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Time Heals Most Wounds · Original Minific ·
Organised by RogerDodger
Word limit 400–750
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The Neighbor's Son
I grew up on the outskirts of Mexico City—my life was framed by the arid heat of summer days and crisscrossed by dusty roads that took the occasional smoke-belching pickup truck to more important places.

Back in those days—the late sixties, it was—everyone you’d meet would be Catholic. A lot of people didn’t even know you could be atheist, or Buddhist, or anything else at all. It made perfect sense, therefore, that the rumors about the Gabriella’s son were almost entirely religious in nature.

Gabriella was several years older than me. Enough that we never really spent time together; I only knew her because her house was next to mine. But the difference in age was small enough for me to consider her as also a child—as not an adult.

When news spread, as it eventually did, of her pregnancy, I thought it strange at first. I was only ten or eleven, and pregnancy, in my mind, was something that happened to grown-ups, not children like us.

There were very few rumors about it at first, because nobody could even imagine who the father might be. Gabriella was a very quiet girl. Nobody knew what kind of men she liked or who she might have possibly been seeing, since she spent all her time at home. People got bored of guessing and speculating and making up charming male suitors very quickly.

The rumors began after her child was born.

For several years there were wild stories about strange things that happened around the child, who Gabriella named Matias. But these were not just playful fantasies told by children to their friends, who would pretend to believe them for the fun of it. Even the adults began to tell them to each other, and with geniuine graveness in their voices.

We children thought it odd for adults to be telling each other crazy stories, and even odder that they would believe them. My friends and I would laugh about it and say “Perhaps Matias is the son of the devil. Perhaps Gabriella named him ‘Matias’ as a joke.” We never gave it much thought—certainly not as much thought as our parents were.

That changed when Matias was three or four.

All the boys near my age (six or seven of us) were playing soccer on the seldom-used streets. We were using buckets and jackets to mark goals and corners of the field.

Matias came outside and watched us. He had little, fat fingers, and a little bit of saliva leaking from the side of his mouth. This was one of the first times we saw him without his mother, but we paid him little mind.

After several minutes, Matias declared in his limited vocabulary that he wanted to play with us.

Reno, the oldest of us, found this funny. He knelt down and shoved the ball at Matias.

“Could you kick a ball this big?” he teased. “Would it even move if you pushed it?”

Reno kept it up even as Matias’ little fists balled up, and his face became flushed in anger. We all thought it was even more hilarious. “Look,” we said, “he’s going to snap! He’s going to hit somebody!”

Then he did.

It all took us a moment to realize that when Reno toppled over from Matias’ punch, it was no joke on Reno’s part. He scrambled to sit up, wide-eyed and panting. The mark on his cheek were Matias had struck him was already becoming dark and swollen, and there was blood around his teeth.

Even then, a part of our minds were trying to rationalize what we just saw. As we helped Reno to his feet and gave him a towel to wipe away the blood, I knew from the looks in everyone’s eyes that we were thinking the same thing. “Perhaps a toddler could hit a fifteen year old boy hard enough to knock him flat on his ass,” we thought. “Reno was crouching very precariously, after all.”

In the commotion of it all, nobody heard the truck approaching. We only heard the terrible sound of tons and tons of moving metal coming to a sudden stop.

When we looked, I saw something that to this day I have not been able to forget.

The driver of the truck was struggling to exit the twisted wreckage of his vehicle, while Matias had a disinterested or perhaps a confused expression on his face, as he studied the toddler-sized dent in the truck’s heavy front grill.
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#1 ·
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Huh, wasn't expecting a superhero story. Actually that's probably my critique in a nutshell, this is an interesting story but it crouches itself as a morality play rather than what it actually ends up being. Because of that the central crux of the story is left unfulfilled by the twist ending and the twist adds far more questions than it resolves. A strong effort and concept, but needed more foreshadowing or a different framework to my mind.
#2 · 1
· · >>PinoyPony >>The_Letter_J
This is well-crafted; there's a good voice to it, and it builds up nicely towards the revelation of what Matias could be. I did feel the ending spoiled things, though. When Matias apparently hits his tormentor, and the narrator isn't sure what just happened, there's a sort of haunting, creeping uncertainty about whether Matias is normal or whether there really is something weird going on... and then you hit him with a truck and throw it all out the window. I think it might be much improved by slicing out that final bit, and leaving the uncertainty there. (Though, you know, my opinion, probably bollocks, etc. etc.)

I'm also not sure how this is relevant to the prompt; is it that time hasn't been able to remove this memory from our narrator's mind?

Still, not a bad read.
#3 ·
· · >>Bachiavellian
Some English clunkiness throughout: for me to consider her as also a child—as not an adult. is a good example.

Also: There were very few rumors about it at first […] The rumors began after her child was born. is a bit jarring. Either there were, or they weren't but the way you write it is like you shilly-shally.

So mmm… The boy's a robot? Is that another take on *Rosemary's baby*? Left me wondering. As it is, it poses more questions than it solves, so it feels a bit shallow.
#4 · 1
· · >>The_Letter_J
Really good prelude and a way to hint at Matias' 'super strength'. You add a bit of imagery and a personality to each and every character. Besides... I always do love a kid beating a bully to a pulp... nice touch.

But, what I have to address is how you leave the ending in reckless abandonment. Like >>MonarchDodora said, your flow is shattered by the fact that you straightaway dispose the subtle hints and go for the kill. By doing that, you give the story a little bit a black eye. there is so many questions unanswered by the last three lines. (Maybe excluding the truck, and having Matias scoff and toddle away, as if nothing had happened)... but then again, What do I know?

Final Concern- (Maybe I'm blind and can see it), but how does this story fit for the prompt "Time Heals Most Wounds"? Maybe it's the passing of time in the village, with the Matias being the scourge of the village brought on by time? That's my best guess.

Anyways, good story... easy to follow.
#5 ·
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Anything I could say about this story would just be echoing >>MonarchDodora and >>PinoyPony.

I'm not entirely sure what you were aiming for with this story, but I think that you missed your mark.
#6 ·
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I was really hooked at the start, as the setting was realistic and the problem, teenage pregnancy in a 60s-era Mexico city could have some real weight to it. Then... devil baby? What? Sorry, you lost me. Then a toddler is hit by a truck and I have no idea what this story was even supposed to be about, much less how it fits the prompt.
#7 · 2
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Congrats to our finalists! And sorry, again, guys for the general lack of reviews on my part. I don't plan on making it a habit. Anyways, get some thoughts on my own entry below!

Retrospective: The Neighbor's Son

Well, can't say that I'm not disappointed, but I kinda figured that I wouldn't make the cut, with the direction the reviews were taking. And I totally agree with all of them. Definitely an oversight on my part not to let the reader in on the nature of the piece earlier on. And definitely a bad move to ruin the mystery with an overly flagrant ending.

To address the other big question (which was how the heck this related to the prompt), my brain kinda went to weird places for this one. Originally I had this idea of an old man who still had a supernatural wound he received from childhood, and it kinda evolved from there. I've always used prompts more like idea springboards rather than thematic guidelines, but I guess I could have made things a bit more overt.

This entry actually continues the trend of me using minific rounds to experiment with my style a little. Some of you might remember my last MLP minific entry, Cold Case, in which the gimmick was that the entire narration was Pinkie Pie talking out loud to herself. Likewise, I really wanted The Neighbor's Son to have this spoken feeling to it, so I played around with grammatical repetition and embedded clauses. >>Monokeras points out a couple of places where it doesn't quite do the job, so I definitely have a lot to learn.

Well, thank you all for your feedback, and for another fun Writeoff! I'll see you guys for the next one.