Hey! It looks like you're new here. You might want to check out the introduction.
Show rules for this event
Long Distance Call
Barrett just about had enough. Life went downhill from then on, and it would continue going downhill from then.
He let out a small groan as he shuffled up the grated staircase. Hunched over, he fumbled for the keys in his pockets, finding his efforts fruitless.
In a frustrated and tired sigh, he rummaged through his lunchbox. This time, he found the small and sharp object, almost cutting his hand on the jagged edges. He faced a windowless stained red-orange and white door through the rust seeping from the rooftops overhead.
“Heh… Home Sweet Home…” He remarked sarcastically, wrestling with the lock as his keys caught onto the internal workings. The door gave a long squeal as he pushed it open.
A thick scent of metal hung in the air as he made his way over to the kitchen. A knot formed in his stomach, not from the smell, but the underlying feeling of dread that came over him.
Barrett stared coldly at a landline phone next to the microwave. He had no idea why he bought that thing in the first place… he paid an extra ten dollars a month to keep that thing in order. The only people who called him were those annoying telemarketers, trying to get him to pay extra for something or another. It had caused him nothing but grief.
…He had his own reasons.
“Might as well, I doubt they’ll be up at this late hour,” he grumbled. Madly dialing in the numbers, he held the phone snugly between his neck and head and took a seat on a rickety hardwood chair.
It creaked under his weight.
“Bah. Gotta fix that later,” he reminded himself.
A woman’s voice answered after a few short buzzes. In a somewhat tired and ornery manner, the woman stated “Meyer Household…”
“Hello, can I speak to Mr. Meyer please?” Barrett asked, gritting his teeth.
“Yes, just one sec,” A voice in the background, calling each other by name followed by a slight shuffle.
“Hello?” asked a familiar voice, with a slight guttural yawn.
“Hey dad,” Barrett answered.
A long silence followed. Barrett could picture the man on the other line, with widened eyes.
A calm, soothing voice followed, oddly belonging to the same person. “Well, how goes it champ? It’s been a long time,” He spoke gently “How long has it been?”
“Seven years.” Barrett answered, looking onward to the street light filtering through the blinds of his window.
His father continued “Well, I appreciate that you’ve finally called me… it took seven years… but how goes it?”
“Fine,” Barrett answered “I’m saving for my GED, though that won’t happen for a long time… If I’m lucky, I can get started in another three years,”
“Glad to hear you are doing alright… your mother…” His father paused “I mean, Chloe and I miss you, along with Chris- He really misses his big brother.”
“Tell him I miss you guys too,” Barrett smiled, fiddling with the phone cable “Ya know, I was actually going to call you a year earlier, but…” He paused.
His father gently addressed “I know you’ve had a hard time accepting what happened, I couldn’t really expect you to accept Chloe as I did, but I had to move on from your old mother,”
Barrett eyes watered “She was… she was a good teacher, helping her dyslexic child… ya know, before the… crash,”
“I remember that too, and I will never forget.” he could hear a croak in his father’s voice “How’s your arm doing?”
Barrett studied his trembling limbs “Healed long ago… like the rest of my scars.”
“Healed…” His voice trailed off “Son, can I ask you something?”
“Yes,” Barrett’s stomach churned.
“It’s been a long time since I’ve seen you… can you pay your old man a visit, just once?”
Barrett stood in silence, “It would be a great refresher, but… I’m caught up in work,” He glanced around the room, “Maybe some other time.”
“Take as much as time as you need, Barrett.” His father sighed “Chloe and I are ready to embrace our son back with open arms, it would be nice to have my son back.”
“I will, dad.” Barrett set the phone on the countertop “You guys have a goodnight.”
“Goodnight Barrett,” His father called. “I love you.”
“I love you too, dad,” He carefully replied. After the longest time, he placed the phone back into its holster and sighed in relief.
He let out a small groan as he shuffled up the grated staircase. Hunched over, he fumbled for the keys in his pockets, finding his efforts fruitless.
In a frustrated and tired sigh, he rummaged through his lunchbox. This time, he found the small and sharp object, almost cutting his hand on the jagged edges. He faced a windowless stained red-orange and white door through the rust seeping from the rooftops overhead.
“Heh… Home Sweet Home…” He remarked sarcastically, wrestling with the lock as his keys caught onto the internal workings. The door gave a long squeal as he pushed it open.
A thick scent of metal hung in the air as he made his way over to the kitchen. A knot formed in his stomach, not from the smell, but the underlying feeling of dread that came over him.
Barrett stared coldly at a landline phone next to the microwave. He had no idea why he bought that thing in the first place… he paid an extra ten dollars a month to keep that thing in order. The only people who called him were those annoying telemarketers, trying to get him to pay extra for something or another. It had caused him nothing but grief.
…He had his own reasons.
“Might as well, I doubt they’ll be up at this late hour,” he grumbled. Madly dialing in the numbers, he held the phone snugly between his neck and head and took a seat on a rickety hardwood chair.
It creaked under his weight.
“Bah. Gotta fix that later,” he reminded himself.
A woman’s voice answered after a few short buzzes. In a somewhat tired and ornery manner, the woman stated “Meyer Household…”
“Hello, can I speak to Mr. Meyer please?” Barrett asked, gritting his teeth.
“Yes, just one sec,” A voice in the background, calling each other by name followed by a slight shuffle.
“Hello?” asked a familiar voice, with a slight guttural yawn.
“Hey dad,” Barrett answered.
A long silence followed. Barrett could picture the man on the other line, with widened eyes.
A calm, soothing voice followed, oddly belonging to the same person. “Well, how goes it champ? It’s been a long time,” He spoke gently “How long has it been?”
“Seven years.” Barrett answered, looking onward to the street light filtering through the blinds of his window.
His father continued “Well, I appreciate that you’ve finally called me… it took seven years… but how goes it?”
“Fine,” Barrett answered “I’m saving for my GED, though that won’t happen for a long time… If I’m lucky, I can get started in another three years,”
“Glad to hear you are doing alright… your mother…” His father paused “I mean, Chloe and I miss you, along with Chris- He really misses his big brother.”
“Tell him I miss you guys too,” Barrett smiled, fiddling with the phone cable “Ya know, I was actually going to call you a year earlier, but…” He paused.
His father gently addressed “I know you’ve had a hard time accepting what happened, I couldn’t really expect you to accept Chloe as I did, but I had to move on from your old mother,”
Barrett eyes watered “She was… she was a good teacher, helping her dyslexic child… ya know, before the… crash,”
“I remember that too, and I will never forget.” he could hear a croak in his father’s voice “How’s your arm doing?”
Barrett studied his trembling limbs “Healed long ago… like the rest of my scars.”
“Healed…” His voice trailed off “Son, can I ask you something?”
“Yes,” Barrett’s stomach churned.
“It’s been a long time since I’ve seen you… can you pay your old man a visit, just once?”
Barrett stood in silence, “It would be a great refresher, but… I’m caught up in work,” He glanced around the room, “Maybe some other time.”
“Take as much as time as you need, Barrett.” His father sighed “Chloe and I are ready to embrace our son back with open arms, it would be nice to have my son back.”
“I will, dad.” Barrett set the phone on the countertop “You guys have a goodnight.”
“Goodnight Barrett,” His father called. “I love you.”
“I love you too, dad,” He carefully replied. After the longest time, he placed the phone back into its holster and sighed in relief.
I think this one lacked an emotional punch because it was trying to punch too hard.
On a technical note, the telliness doesn't help. Things like the "sarcastically" in [“Heh… Home Sweet Home…” He remarked sarcastically] and "his voice trailed off" in [“Healed…” His voice trailed off] are unnecessarily telling when they're already showing. The punctuation on dialogue is also incorrect in most places. It might help to look up those rules.
The conversation between Barrett and his dad, mainly the backstory told through it, felt heavy-handed. The best example comes from the line [“She was… she was a good teacher, helping her dyslexic child… ya know, before the… crash,”]. In that sentence, you introduce three new peices of information--that Barrett's mother was a teacher, that Barrett was / is dyslexic, and that Barrett's mother died in a crash. It's a lot of information at once, for one. It's also odd for Barrett to relay to his dad. Doesn't his dad already know that information? It feels like the only reason it was brought up was to inform the audience, and I think there are less overt and clumsy ways of relaying that kind of information. It also doesn't help that there are a few cliched phrases tossed around [Barrett just about had enough. Life went downhill from then on, and it would continue going downhill from then. ] [can you pay your old man a visit, just once?] [After the longest time].
I think it's a case of backstory overload, with lines like [Barrett studied his trembling limbs “Healed long ago… like the rest of my scars.”]. I can certainly tell the characters are feeling things, but the above points make me feel removed from the emotion.
On a technical note, the telliness doesn't help. Things like the "sarcastically" in [“Heh… Home Sweet Home…” He remarked sarcastically] and "his voice trailed off" in [“Healed…” His voice trailed off] are unnecessarily telling when they're already showing. The punctuation on dialogue is also incorrect in most places. It might help to look up those rules.
The conversation between Barrett and his dad, mainly the backstory told through it, felt heavy-handed. The best example comes from the line [“She was… she was a good teacher, helping her dyslexic child… ya know, before the… crash,”]. In that sentence, you introduce three new peices of information--that Barrett's mother was a teacher, that Barrett was / is dyslexic, and that Barrett's mother died in a crash. It's a lot of information at once, for one. It's also odd for Barrett to relay to his dad. Doesn't his dad already know that information? It feels like the only reason it was brought up was to inform the audience, and I think there are less overt and clumsy ways of relaying that kind of information. It also doesn't help that there are a few cliched phrases tossed around [Barrett just about had enough. Life went downhill from then on, and it would continue going downhill from then. ] [can you pay your old man a visit, just once?] [After the longest time].
I think it's a case of backstory overload, with lines like [Barrett studied his trembling limbs “Healed long ago… like the rest of my scars.”]. I can certainly tell the characters are feeling things, but the above points make me feel removed from the emotion.
[This story was read during our fic-reading event in the Discord chat (a recording of which will probably be available soon). This review will be a combination of my own thoughts on the story and what other people in the chat were saying about it.]
I can't recall us saying much about this one though.
I think that FrontSevens summed it up perfectly with the first line in his review. This story is an example of what I like to call "feelmongering." It exists only to give you the feels. To be fair, pretty much all sad stories do that, but this one comes across as just trying too hard to make you feel, so in the end, I had almost no emotional reaction to it.
I will give this story some credit for seeming fairly realistic to me. Though the part where he just randomly decides to call after seven years of avoiding it is pushing it for me. It seems like there should have been something to trigger him finally calling.
I can't recall us saying much about this one though.
I think that FrontSevens summed it up perfectly with the first line in his review. This story is an example of what I like to call "feelmongering." It exists only to give you the feels. To be fair, pretty much all sad stories do that, but this one comes across as just trying too hard to make you feel, so in the end, I had almost no emotional reaction to it.
I will give this story some credit for seeming fairly realistic to me. Though the part where he just randomly decides to call after seven years of avoiding it is pushing it for me. It seems like there should have been something to trigger him finally calling.
There is a core for a potentially interesting story here and the hinted at conflict touches on themes that are relatable. Unfortunately the presentation isn't strong enough to deliver on those premises.
There is at least an open contradiction [spoiler (]the part about the landline)[\spoiler] and the lack of subtlety in delivering the background of the conflict makes the reader feel manipulated, to which most people react badly.
Expanding the story and having an editor should solve most of the problems, but as it stands now it didn't work for me.
There is at least an open contradiction [spoiler (]the part about the landline)[\spoiler] and the lack of subtlety in delivering the background of the conflict makes the reader feel manipulated, to which most people react badly.
Expanding the story and having an editor should solve most of the problems, but as it stands now it didn't work for me.
Long Distance Call - B- — First impression is ‘Chunky’ as in it does not really flow from sentence to sentence. It really fails to grab emotional heartstrings because of the clumsy approach, but there is a spark in here.
Barrett just about had enough. Life went downhill from then on, and it would continue going downhill from then. → “had” should be “had had”; besides, I don't understand the second phrase of the second sentence. Is that a repetition of the first?
He let out a small groan as he shuffled up the grated staircase. Hunched over, he fumbled for the keys in his pockets, finding his efforts fruitless. → I think we have a good example of what the other reviews pointed out as ‘clunkiness’. Why not rephrase this sentence like this: “He groaned as he shuffled up the staircase. Hunching, he fumbled for the keys in his pockets.”
This time, he found the small and sharp object, almost cutting his hand on the jagged edges. → “the small and sharp object”: this did not evoke a key to me. Did you ever cut your finger with a key?
but the underlying feeling of dread that came over him. → Can an overwhelming feeling be underlying?
Barrett could picture the man on the other line → Probably you wanted to write: “the other side of the line”
A thick scent of metal hung in the air as he made his way over to the kitchen. → What of it? I mean, you give us an information that could lead to a potential danger or unexpected situation, but no, you simply don’t act on it. Why is it there in the first place?
Several people pointed out the erratic punctuation throughout the dialogue, so I won’t rub it in.
The story is… disconnected. Why does the guy pick up the phone that night to ring up a father he hasn’t been speaking to for years? That seems a little contrived. And then you provide us with that extra info, namely the stepmother, dyslexia and so on. But you don’t do anything with it, so it has no real value. Did the guy run away? What happened? We’re left with more questions than answers, and the end of the story does not really offer any explanation or resolution.
He let out a small groan as he shuffled up the grated staircase. Hunched over, he fumbled for the keys in his pockets, finding his efforts fruitless. → I think we have a good example of what the other reviews pointed out as ‘clunkiness’. Why not rephrase this sentence like this: “He groaned as he shuffled up the staircase. Hunching, he fumbled for the keys in his pockets.”
This time, he found the small and sharp object, almost cutting his hand on the jagged edges. → “the small and sharp object”: this did not evoke a key to me. Did you ever cut your finger with a key?
but the underlying feeling of dread that came over him. → Can an overwhelming feeling be underlying?
Barrett could picture the man on the other line → Probably you wanted to write: “the other side of the line”
A thick scent of metal hung in the air as he made his way over to the kitchen. → What of it? I mean, you give us an information that could lead to a potential danger or unexpected situation, but no, you simply don’t act on it. Why is it there in the first place?
Several people pointed out the erratic punctuation throughout the dialogue, so I won’t rub it in.
The story is… disconnected. Why does the guy pick up the phone that night to ring up a father he hasn’t been speaking to for years? That seems a little contrived. And then you provide us with that extra info, namely the stepmother, dyslexia and so on. But you don’t do anything with it, so it has no real value. Did the guy run away? What happened? We’re left with more questions than answers, and the end of the story does not really offer any explanation or resolution.
*skips other reviews*
This is... What? I just don't know... It start off strange and disjointed, and stays that way... What kind of keys does he have, that they're sharp enough to almost cut him? Where does he live? What's the relevance of a landline phone as opposed to, well, anything else? What are his reasons for keeping it? How is any of that relevant to anything else that's going on?
He waits seven years, then decides to call his father out of the blue? And he's been saving up to take his GED for all that time? With another three years to go? Is this some sort of dystopian future where, somehow, everyone lives for extended periods of time, but a basic high school education is ridiculously expensive?
And then the conversation.. It's been seven years, but hey, no big deal. Sorry dad, I'm busy at work. Maybe we can meet up again next time. Maybe it'll only be four or five years this time! Just... whaaaat? O.o
This is... What? I just don't know... It start off strange and disjointed, and stays that way... What kind of keys does he have, that they're sharp enough to almost cut him? Where does he live? What's the relevance of a landline phone as opposed to, well, anything else? What are his reasons for keeping it? How is any of that relevant to anything else that's going on?
He waits seven years, then decides to call his father out of the blue? And he's been saving up to take his GED for all that time? With another three years to go? Is this some sort of dystopian future where, somehow, everyone lives for extended periods of time, but a basic high school education is ridiculously expensive?
And then the conversation.. It's been seven years, but hey, no big deal. Sorry dad, I'm busy at work. Maybe we can meet up again next time. Maybe it'll only be four or five years this time! Just... whaaaat? O.o
Most of the first part of the story has nothing to do with the second part, the phone call. None of the setting, the keys, the lunchbox, etc. relate in any way to the conversation that happens. As for that part, I'm not sure what the story is. Son calls dad after far too long, but then nothing happens. Not sure what the takeaway is meant to be.
Since Anonymity is gone, and the author of many stories have been revealed, I figured it would be safe to reply.
>>FrontSevens
>>The_Letter_J
>>Orbiting_kettle
>>georg
>>Monokeras
>>TheCyanRecluse
>>Xepher
Thanks to all that reviewed my story, it is very well appreciated! I ask forgiveness for having you guys read such an amateur-ish fic. My writing is not decent... my apologies. Frankly, the language is so clunky that you could hear it from a mile away... It'll take a while for me to learn how to master flow- but hey, that's what you are here for!
Anyways, I what I got from the reviews were "fix up subtle detail- don't goad the reader into information overload", "create flow- make sure the language isn't clunky", "Iceberg effect- 'sad stories and their cliches'", and "grammar rules- look up the rules on dialogue".
...That's as far as I know... let me know if I'm missing anything.
Again, thank you to all who reviewed, mostly helps to get some candid reviews (without the anonymity, these reviews would be hard to come by). I'll start working on these spots.
>>FrontSevens
>>The_Letter_J
>>Orbiting_kettle
>>georg
>>Monokeras
>>TheCyanRecluse
>>Xepher
Thanks to all that reviewed my story, it is very well appreciated! I ask forgiveness for having you guys read such an amateur-ish fic. My writing is not decent... my apologies. Frankly, the language is so clunky that you could hear it from a mile away... It'll take a while for me to learn how to master flow- but hey, that's what you are here for!
Anyways, I what I got from the reviews were "fix up subtle detail- don't goad the reader into information overload", "create flow- make sure the language isn't clunky", "Iceberg effect- 'sad stories and their cliches'", and "grammar rules- look up the rules on dialogue".
...That's as far as I know... let me know if I'm missing anything.
Again, thank you to all who reviewed, mostly helps to get some candid reviews (without the anonymity, these reviews would be hard to come by). I'll start working on these spots.