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Pocketful of Time
"Hey, mister, want a pocketful of time?" the girl asked cheerfully.
The man, a respectable middle aged gentleman, narrowed his eyes and hmmed thoughtfully. This was the first time anyone had offered to sell him time, and ,strictly speaking, he had no idea what that was.
"Time, you say?" He forced a polite smile, trying to hide his confusion. Maybe it was some new product he hadn't heard of? Energy drinks nowadays came with all sorts of names. Or could it be... he gasped. Was she trying to sell him an illegal substance?
"You know"—the girl laughed and took out a handful of light from her pocket—"Time. Reds are years, yellows are months, and greens are weeks."
The man scratched his head. This was most peculiar. Carefully, he removed his spectacles, took his handkerchief out, and rubbed his eyes. Surely he had to be mistaken. One couldn't keep light in one's pocket. It had to be his imagination, the roast he had had yesterday evening, or maybe the result of stress?
Yes, that should be it. The man nodded to himself, then put the handkerchief away. Yet, the pieces of light were still there, sparkling in the girl's hand. They looked like jelly beans, if one could make light in the kitchen, that is.
"Come on, they're fresh!" The girl insisted. "Picked them myself from the sky this morning."
"From the sky?" This was too much. The man scratched his head, then cautiously bent down to get a better look, until his nose was almost touching them.
"You get the best ones from the sky," the girl explained. "Some get them from clouds or mountains, but not me!" She seemed extremely proud of the fact.
"Err, hmm." The man straightened up again. He had no idea what to do. Should he buy one? Should he buy them all? He could put one of those in a jar and show it to his friends. That would be a laugh. Or he could take it home. His wife was always complaining that it was too dark in the cellar, and the twins would love to play with them. Were they safe, though? "What exactly does time do?"
"You don't know?" The girl looked at him with such sadness that the man instantly felt uncomfortable. "They heal."
"Heal?" He asked, arching a brow.
"Yes. Time heals. Here, let me show you." Before the man could protest, the girl took a yellow light and put it on the scar of the back of his hand. It was an extremely annoying scar, he had received a week ago while fixing the car.
As the light touched his skin, it melted away vanishing from sight. Moments later the scar was gone.
"My word!" The man managed to say. "This is remarkable." Actually, he wanted to say Impossible, but manners prevented him from doing so. Surely this had to be a trick. There was no other explanation. Slowly, he slid his fingers along the back of his hand. No trick, no scar, and even less of an explanation. "And I could heal everything with time?"
"Most things." The girl nodded. "Wounds, aches, grey hairs. Not sadness, though."
"Grey hairs?" Now this was intriguing. The man had been starting to fret about grey hairs the last few years. It would be nice to get rid of them with this time thing. And if it worked on that he could try it on a few spots where his hair was getting thin. "Right!" He reached for his wallet. This definitely seemed quite the stroke of luck. He had to keep it quiet, though. If the neighbors found out they'd want some too. "How much?"
"Just a smile," the girl replied.
"A smile?" The man felt uneasy again. "You're giving me all this just for a smile?"
"That's the easiest way to get a smile," she explained. "And I can pick more time any day."
So very curious. "I'll still be able to smile afterwards, right?" The man asked. He rarely smiled, but he definitely didn't want to lose his smile forever. The girl nodded. "Very well then."
His lips stretched slightly more, forming what he hoped would be enough. It was. The girl heaped the time in his hand, then hopped away, happy as could be.
"Wait!" The man said, putting the time in his pocket. "Why do you need smiles?"
"Silly mister," the girl laughed. "Smiles heal sadness."
The man, a respectable middle aged gentleman, narrowed his eyes and hmmed thoughtfully. This was the first time anyone had offered to sell him time, and ,strictly speaking, he had no idea what that was.
"Time, you say?" He forced a polite smile, trying to hide his confusion. Maybe it was some new product he hadn't heard of? Energy drinks nowadays came with all sorts of names. Or could it be... he gasped. Was she trying to sell him an illegal substance?
"You know"—the girl laughed and took out a handful of light from her pocket—"Time. Reds are years, yellows are months, and greens are weeks."
The man scratched his head. This was most peculiar. Carefully, he removed his spectacles, took his handkerchief out, and rubbed his eyes. Surely he had to be mistaken. One couldn't keep light in one's pocket. It had to be his imagination, the roast he had had yesterday evening, or maybe the result of stress?
Yes, that should be it. The man nodded to himself, then put the handkerchief away. Yet, the pieces of light were still there, sparkling in the girl's hand. They looked like jelly beans, if one could make light in the kitchen, that is.
"Come on, they're fresh!" The girl insisted. "Picked them myself from the sky this morning."
"From the sky?" This was too much. The man scratched his head, then cautiously bent down to get a better look, until his nose was almost touching them.
"You get the best ones from the sky," the girl explained. "Some get them from clouds or mountains, but not me!" She seemed extremely proud of the fact.
"Err, hmm." The man straightened up again. He had no idea what to do. Should he buy one? Should he buy them all? He could put one of those in a jar and show it to his friends. That would be a laugh. Or he could take it home. His wife was always complaining that it was too dark in the cellar, and the twins would love to play with them. Were they safe, though? "What exactly does time do?"
"You don't know?" The girl looked at him with such sadness that the man instantly felt uncomfortable. "They heal."
"Heal?" He asked, arching a brow.
"Yes. Time heals. Here, let me show you." Before the man could protest, the girl took a yellow light and put it on the scar of the back of his hand. It was an extremely annoying scar, he had received a week ago while fixing the car.
As the light touched his skin, it melted away vanishing from sight. Moments later the scar was gone.
"My word!" The man managed to say. "This is remarkable." Actually, he wanted to say Impossible, but manners prevented him from doing so. Surely this had to be a trick. There was no other explanation. Slowly, he slid his fingers along the back of his hand. No trick, no scar, and even less of an explanation. "And I could heal everything with time?"
"Most things." The girl nodded. "Wounds, aches, grey hairs. Not sadness, though."
"Grey hairs?" Now this was intriguing. The man had been starting to fret about grey hairs the last few years. It would be nice to get rid of them with this time thing. And if it worked on that he could try it on a few spots where his hair was getting thin. "Right!" He reached for his wallet. This definitely seemed quite the stroke of luck. He had to keep it quiet, though. If the neighbors found out they'd want some too. "How much?"
"Just a smile," the girl replied.
"A smile?" The man felt uneasy again. "You're giving me all this just for a smile?"
"That's the easiest way to get a smile," she explained. "And I can pick more time any day."
So very curious. "I'll still be able to smile afterwards, right?" The man asked. He rarely smiled, but he definitely didn't want to lose his smile forever. The girl nodded. "Very well then."
His lips stretched slightly more, forming what he hoped would be enough. It was. The girl heaped the time in his hand, then hopped away, happy as could be.
"Wait!" The man said, putting the time in his pocket. "Why do you need smiles?"
"Silly mister," the girl laughed. "Smiles heal sadness."
This is a perfect fit for the minific format, with a great message and ending.
I think it would be more impactful with foreshadowing. For example, you might try to show that although the girl appears to be energetic, she isn't smiling, even when she laughs. Currently the ending lacks meaning because it isn't clear why the girl needs smiles if she could make them herself.
I think the inner dialogue of the protagonist is a little overdone. I'd put more of the text into observations he makes of the other character.
I think it would be more impactful with foreshadowing. For example, you might try to show that although the girl appears to be energetic, she isn't smiling, even when she laughs. Currently the ending lacks meaning because it isn't clear why the girl needs smiles if she could make them herself.
I think the inner dialogue of the protagonist is a little overdone. I'd put more of the text into observations he makes of the other character.
This is all around a very good story. I have no major complaints about it. I'm not really sure how time can heal grey hairs, since you just have more showing up over time. Unless the time is basically making the hair younger, I suppose. But it's basically magic, so it doesn't really matter how it works, I guess.
>>Trick_Question
I thought that the idea was that when you're sad, having other people smile at you will cheer you up more than forcing yourself to smile will.
>>Trick_Question
Currently the ending lacks meaning because it isn't clear why the girl needs smiles if she could make them herself.
I thought that the idea was that when you're sad, having other people smile at you will cheer you up more than forcing yourself to smile will.
This is a fun story, and I think the fun comes from the sort of noncynical innocence of it all. Whimsy might be another word for it, or silly. Point is, I enjoyed it. Good message too.
Like >>The_Letter_J , I'm not sure how time could heal grey hairs--perhaps as you get older, you care less about the grey hairs you have?
I'm not sure what the significance of having time come from the sky is. The only reason I can think of is that it's a quirky detail that adds just that much more whimsy to it (specifically in ["You get the best ones from the sky," the girl explained. "Some get them from clouds or mountains, but not me!"]). Logically it doesn't make much sense, but I guess that might be the point.
Otherwise, great fic, I enjoyed it. :>
Like >>The_Letter_J , I'm not sure how time could heal grey hairs--perhaps as you get older, you care less about the grey hairs you have?
I'm not sure what the significance of having time come from the sky is. The only reason I can think of is that it's a quirky detail that adds just that much more whimsy to it (specifically in ["You get the best ones from the sky," the girl explained. "Some get them from clouds or mountains, but not me!"]). Logically it doesn't make much sense, but I guess that might be the point.
Otherwise, great fic, I enjoyed it. :>
>>FrontSevens Well this one was on my slate anyway...
"There's more of gravy than grave about you!"
Okay, obscure movie references aside this fic's a weird one. Actually, I almost want to call it psychedelic as the crux of the story is more or less nonsensical (and I say that as a person who's last Write-off story was about a reality warping monster trying to acquire a cake). This isn't really a bad thing, the story flows well despite this and I was never left questioning what was going on. I don't feel the story really did much to explain its ending, however, and it didn't really come to any kind of climax.
Overall, it's a great set of ideas but I don't think they came together to form a fully fledged story.
Oh, and as an aside, anyone else find the idea of time healing grey hairs weird? I would have thought it causes them, not removes them.
the roast he had had yesterday
"There's more of gravy than grave about you!"
Okay, obscure movie references aside this fic's a weird one. Actually, I almost want to call it psychedelic as the crux of the story is more or less nonsensical (and I say that as a person who's last Write-off story was about a reality warping monster trying to acquire a cake). This isn't really a bad thing, the story flows well despite this and I was never left questioning what was going on. I don't feel the story really did much to explain its ending, however, and it didn't really come to any kind of climax.
Overall, it's a great set of ideas but I don't think they came together to form a fully fledged story.
Oh, and as an aside, anyone else find the idea of time healing grey hairs weird? I would have thought it causes them, not removes them.
>>billymorph
I saw that as time viewed as a resource rather than an effect. You spend time, so if you get more of it, you're younger (or have longer to live, rather).
I saw that as time viewed as a resource rather than an effect. You spend time, so if you get more of it, you're younger (or have longer to live, rather).
The writing itself does read very easily, and the story itself feels really conformable nestled inside the minific word limit. Still, I'm not really sure how to feel about this one. It seems to set itself up to read like a fantasy allegory, but I can't really seem to get a grasp on what kind of message it's trying to tell.
The closest I can come up with is that happiness fixes what time cannot, but this leaves a few things unanswered. What's the significance of trading happiness for time? What does it mean to gather time from mountains, skies, or clouds? Why can't the girl smile for herself, and why does she need a cure for sadness? It definitely doesn't seem like she's sad, herself.
In the end, what's holding me back from really enjoying this is the conceptual ambiguity. If I'm not mistaken in that this is supposed read like a fable, you should really make sure that all of the story's details (especially the really concrete ones) have a clear meaning associated with them.
The closest I can come up with is that happiness fixes what time cannot, but this leaves a few things unanswered. What's the significance of trading happiness for time? What does it mean to gather time from mountains, skies, or clouds? Why can't the girl smile for herself, and why does she need a cure for sadness? It definitely doesn't seem like she's sad, herself.
In the end, what's holding me back from really enjoying this is the conceptual ambiguity. If I'm not mistaken in that this is supposed read like a fable, you should really make sure that all of the story's details (especially the really concrete ones) have a clear meaning associated with them.
*skips other reviews*
Okay, now THAT was interesting and clever. And why do I feal as if, in another universe (or competition) the little girl would instead be a pink pony with balloons for a cutey mark? ;>
This was cute and cheerful and uplifting, with an amusing little twist at the end. Not really sure what else to say about it, but it definitely gets two thumbs up. :)
Okay, now THAT was interesting and clever. And why do I feal as if, in another universe (or competition) the little girl would instead be a pink pony with balloons for a cutey mark? ;>
This was cute and cheerful and uplifting, with an amusing little twist at the end. Not really sure what else to say about it, but it definitely gets two thumbs up. :)
Nice hook for the opening sentence! Not sure how a wound from only a week ago is a "scar." Likewise, how would time "heal" grey hair? Wouldn't time just make more hairs turn grey?
Overall, doesn't really hold together for me, but I do appreciate the twist at the end, as the girl just wants a smile for her own sadness.
Overall, doesn't really hold together for me, but I do appreciate the twist at the end, as the girl just wants a smile for her own sadness.
I'll just jump in here because so many people have been asking the same questions. Here are my theories.
"How does time heal grey hair? Won't that just cause more?" There's a difference between adding time and giving time. Consider the scar. Simpy adding more time might make it fade, but it wouldn't disappear completely. However, if the scar is a week old, and he is given a week's time, then his hand would return to the state it was in a week ago: scar-free. The same principle would apply to the grey hair. (This does raise questions about potentially having eternal youth, but maybe there's a reason the girl is so young yet so precocious.)
"Why does the girl need smiles?" I think she's collecting them, in the same way she's collecting time. That way she can share them with people who need healing that time alone can't provide.
"How does time heal grey hair? Won't that just cause more?" There's a difference between adding time and giving time. Consider the scar. Simpy adding more time might make it fade, but it wouldn't disappear completely. However, if the scar is a week old, and he is given a week's time, then his hand would return to the state it was in a week ago: scar-free. The same principle would apply to the grey hair. (This does raise questions about potentially having eternal youth, but maybe there's a reason the girl is so young yet so precocious.)
"Why does the girl need smiles?" I think she's collecting them, in the same way she's collecting time. That way she can share them with people who need healing that time alone can't provide.
Huh!
I seem to have read all the finalists before the deadline. How did that happen?
This is the one currently at the top of my list. It could use a little scene setting--for some reason, I saw the gentleman sitting at an outdoor cafe with the young girl on the sidewalk beside him--but that's just 'cause I always hafta picture something when I'm reading a story. Other than that and the oddness of a scar being only a week old, quite a nice piece.
Mike
I seem to have read all the finalists before the deadline. How did that happen?
This is the one currently at the top of my list. It could use a little scene setting--for some reason, I saw the gentleman sitting at an outdoor cafe with the young girl on the sidewalk beside him--but that's just 'cause I always hafta picture something when I'm reading a story. Other than that and the oddness of a scar being only a week old, quite a nice piece.
Mike
I hate to break the opposition streak >>Trick_Question mentioned, but I pretty much agree with >>Trick_Question: great story on the whole, needs touch-up in the details. There are a few places where the girl's sadness is a key point, but given that our very first description of her is the adverb "cheerfully", we're getting mixed messages that whittle away at your core theme. And this does feel a little too blunt at times.
Regardless, this is near the top of my slate and (based on general comments) probably the odds-on favorite for this round's gold.
Tier: Top Contender
Regardless, this is near the top of my slate and (based on general comments) probably the odds-on favorite for this round's gold.
Tier: Top Contender
I’m with >>Trick_Question; I liked this story, but the girl’s sadness/false cheer didn’t come through strongly enough to make the ending make sense.
>>Trick_Question
>>The_Letter_J
>>FrontSevens
>>billymorph
>>Trick_Question
>>Bachiavellian
>>TheCyanRecluse
>>Xepher
>>Everyday
>>Baal Bunny
>>horizon
>>TitaniumDragon
Wow! Thanks for the reviews and enjoying the story so much :)
Trick and Everyday got it right — time as a resource was (intended to be) used to move things back.
Also, sorry for the confusion: while the message was that smiles cure sadness, the girl wasn't sad, she just collected smiles to help those that were (and use herself, when needed as she used time.) I'll try to use better means to express the message in future.
>>The_Letter_J
>>FrontSevens
>>billymorph
>>Trick_Question
>>Bachiavellian
>>TheCyanRecluse
>>Xepher
>>Everyday
>>Baal Bunny
>>horizon
>>TitaniumDragon
Wow! Thanks for the reviews and enjoying the story so much :)
Trick and Everyday got it right — time as a resource was (intended to be) used to move things back.
Also, sorry for the confusion: while the message was that smiles cure sadness, the girl wasn't sad, she just collected smiles to help those that were (and use herself, when needed as she used time.) I'll try to use better means to express the message in future.