>>FrontSevens
I have some low-hanging fruit. :V

EDIT: This post is a celebration of the inability to downthumb.

Hmm. Apologies, author, but I can't see the story here. I get the feeling it references a legend or tale that I'm not aware of, and it would all be clear if I knew; but I don't, alas.

I get the feeling, also, that there's a puzzle in here. I tried collating the footnote references, and they do make a kind of sense (footnote [2], for example, is called for Nordic runes and for a section on demonic summoning, so presumably that footnote talks about runes of all stripes, mundane and arcane), but again, I can't tease out the bigger pattern behind it.

Spelling is good, grammar is solid. A few turns of phrase here and there that could be tweaked - I've listed the ones I caught below for the sake of thoroughness - but they're pretty minor, all told.

TLDR: Fairly solid wordsmithry, but I can't tell what's going on story-wise. If it is referncing something else, try to lean on that a little less next time around (that, of course, depends a lot on what crowd you're rolling with, so if this does reference something well-known to a different circle, then the problem is just with me and not the writing; although you should still try to pick your targets. If it's not referencing anything at all, of course, then ignore me :P).

==
Nitpicks:

"in keeping with similar tomes" is a tautology. It's basically saying 'it's similar to things it's similar to'.

The opening sentence of the second paragraph reads like it's missing a part: " [...] the fact that the writing on the parchment is in no known language means that...".

"this volume makes no illusion to supplying a definitive resource on the matter." - I probably am just being finicky here. You could have "makes no illusion about supplying..." or you could have, which I suspect is the one you were going for, "makes no allusion to supplying..." An advanced mistake, though, and to be honest I might be wrong myself on this. Other grammar nerds! To me!

"The text itself is no more likely the product of demons than it is of a fractured mind..." - this is stating "The text probably wasn't written by demons, and it probably wasn't written by a mad person either." It should be "The text is less likely the product of demons than..."

"disappeared in his death." Minor one: should be 'with', not 'in'.

This violates the rules of the competition (I assume unintentionally): Original Fiction rounds cannot be based upon currently copyrighted materials, and Overwatch would definitely count.

I don't understand how this story would have been generated by the prompt—is the connection that, after 25 years, war persists? If so, is that the message of the story? The message is a bit lost on me, particularly with the last line which seems sarcastic but makes little sense if it is.

The prose is quality, but it isn't much of a story. There hasn't been any resolution, namely. This is a window to part of a story. If you had established background on what was happening and why we should care about the characters, it would have much more impact. At the end of the story, I know something happened, but I don't know exactly what and moreover I have no idea what it means. Even if this is OW fanfiction you need to establish a storyline a bit more than this.

>>MrNumbers
Jesus H, man. You need to buy a lottery ticket, because you are so damn overdue for some good luck. Hope everything's cool.

Heh. I like the voice here - I'm always a fan of deadpan can't-be-arsed narrators, and this pulls it off nicely. And you pulled off a great final blow at the end there, too: when he took the head-wound man to the doctor, and his wound got better, I actually felt warm and happy for him - and then, holy sugar, brain damage. That stung to read. Excellent buildup and punch, sir or ma'am.

Spelling's excellent. Grammar's slightly raw in places - you need an extra helping of commas, in particular - but that's just dealine issues, I suspect; I can see you know what you're doing from all the places it's right.

TLDR: Do a once-through for grammar correction, and you're golden. An excellent read.

If you want to do a story-based allegory, the overlying story needs to make some amount of sense before the allegory is taken into account. I suspect I might understand this story. However, at present it is a very murky allegory riddled with logical contradictions that make it difficult to parse.

The physical nature of the tree and the culture of the creatures are the two most important story elements, and they are presented with numerous inconsistencies. The bark is labeled "invincible", yet the creatures carve into it, and the entire branch (which is presumably composed of invincible bark) is imperiled by the wind. The creatures' beliefs vary widely throughout the story in unpredictable ways. Despite hating the wind (which means they recognize it threatens the branch), they initially believe in the branch's ability to overcome the wind, and they further believe that their belief itself sustains the branch; they also initially believe that this is the only thing needed to sustain the branch. Then they believe the tree is dying, but they lie to themselves about it. Yet immediately after this, they obviously admit it to themselves because they develop strategies to help save the branch. This also suggests they no longer believe that belief is sufficient to sustain the branch. They are said to feel obligated to help the tree, even though this should be superseded by the fact that they depend upon it for their very survival. There is a nice hint of tension between the health of the tree and the survival of the branch at the expense of other branches, but that fails to develop further.

The beliefs (and strategies) of the creatures change over time, but there is no reason provided for these paradigmatic shifts. We don't know how they arrived at any of the conclusions they did, because we are force-fed their beliefs directly with no information about why they believe any of these things. Worse still, the beliefs are contradicted by events in the story (the tree kept growing and didn't die or show any signs of dying, the branch broke off despite the creatures' belief in it), so the reader can't even trust what the creatures believe. Since the beliefs of the creatures are essentially the narrator's voice, the entire story becomes unreliable.

This is a fixable story, but you need to provide more than a bare-bones allegory to make it work. You need to make the story make sense in a way where the reader understands why the creatures believe and act as they do, preferably by painting a picture that allows the reader to figure that out on their own. Currently the story is an inconsistent and confusing mythos with strong themes that aren't well-developed.

For those interested, my best guess is that this story is an allegory to the phylogenetic web, where the creatures represent chains of descendants of species. The branch falling would be a mass extinction event, although an entire branch falling shouldn't happen from competition alone, so that part of the allegory doesn't hold well. It's also a difficult allegory because the "tree" shape of the web stems from the fact that it is a historical record of species. At any given point in time, the species on the Earth don't resemble a tree, but just the very tips of the branches that survived. So time passing in the mythos doesn't quite match up with what the tree is supposed to represent.

A solid read with a full story arc; I know how hard that is, now, having failed to get my own in on time >.>

Watch for redundancies; that is, telling the reader the same thing multiple times. For example:

In truth he was jealous. He should have come up with the idea.

- is followed at the end of the paragraph with:

Damn it, Sasha! Why did you have to be so good!

- which tells us he is jealous a second time, and in a more show-y than tell-y way. So the first quote can be sliced.

A couple others:

"Are you sure?" Sasha looked at him, puzzled.

"Based on your stats the game is just—" he suddenly stopped. He had just realized what Sasha had said.

Slicing these out will concentrate the emotion of your writing without losing any of its meaning. And you get extra wordcount to play with, besides.

Closely related to redundancies, watch for telling, where you just outright state what's going on. That big chunk of exposition about Greg's life, ("He had spent years of his life trying to make it big, taking all sorts of game classes... ") was a particular stone in the road; it would be better served as dialogue as part of their conversation, for example:

"Excuse me, but I didn't spend five years and thousands of pounds learning to code so some jumped-up lit student with a game addiction could tell me how to do my job!"

That exposition jarrs further down, too, because the way it's written suggests that it's what Gregory is thinking during the argument; therefore, it looks like Gregory knows that his problem is a lack of creativity, which makes his sudden am-I-actually-wrong moment at the end seem weird.

I wasn't much a fan of the kiss at the end; is that something a co-worker would do? If they're closer than that, it was never hinted before now; to me they were the picture-perfect model of strictly work-colleagues only.

TLDR: Your spelling is good and your grammar is solid. Slice down the redundancies and incorporate exposition into the scene, and you'll have a heavy-hitter in your hands.

Boy, is it me, or are the comments in this writeoff being way more callous than usual? These are minifics, people. It's about the best thing you can do with 400-700 words. It's not about changing your life, it's about telling a compelling story in the minimum amount of words possible.

I mean, this is about concept, sure, but execution is the key here, yo. Keep that in mind.

TL;DR: Dudes. Fellas. Buddies. Mates. Brosephanies. Chill the fuck out. There are some first-timers here, and while you might mean well by simply stating your opinion, try to ease it into the writers.

Weirdly enough, I'm not talking about the comments for this story in particular, just talking in general.


Now, story itself: yeah this was pretty damn neat. The body language was great, a full-fledged story was told in just a bunch of words, and we get a feeling of everything that's happened in a really showy way, which is commendable as hell given the format. I don't see why Brian's comment is seen as bad -- I saw it as a mixture of him being blunt and him being maybe a little bit dumb... But perfectly realistic.

And, like, one can't expect foreshadowing in here. That would be counterproductive, given the length of the story. It would sound repetitive. As it stays, the story is pretty much as good as it gets -- I wouldn't change a thing. Props, author. This is a go-to guide in good character writing.



>>Monokeras

I am more dubious on the need you had to make the deceased woman a military. There are thousand reasons why someone can die outside being a soldier, so plumping for that particular possibility gives a characteristic tang to your story.

Gotta say, this bit baffled me. It's a story -- details like this one give the story a bit more character. I can't see why one would criticise something like choosing how the dead character died.

I mean, I guess that if she was a truck driver and died in a truck accident, the story would have a weirder ring, but 'unno. This feels a little bit gratuitous a point to make, broski.

Jackie behaves unrealistically for someone with a deep gash, showing no signs or description of pain or bleeding, and even less so for somepony on her deathbed. Then the story becomes a ridiculous series of feghoots, and then you throw a lampshade on the story itself, and now we're suddenly balls-deep in straight-silly humor like Police Squad.

There are several problems with this approach. The transition from serious to silly is much too abrupt and severe. You should have added some silliness or at least a dialogue pun before subjecting us to the terrible feghoots. Think about how Police Squad actually works, which does this breed of humor properly: it doesn't alternately hide the humor with drama then "surprise" the viewer by switching gears. Here, the approach is annoying rather than amusing.

Also, many elements of the story could use more support, even if you're being silly. Her death isn't supported by the rest of the descriptions in the story, for one, and you need some degree of logical entailment or else the story becomes a random jumble of "nothing matters because anything can happen for no reason". Even if you're being silly, basic concepts like "motivation" and "caring about the characters" and "immersion" still apply to the story. You can still use foreshadowing and explain things without relying on hammerspace and flashbacks.

I don't get the ending at all. The jokes stop at "grin", and the rest of the story plods at a completely different pace (it's like we're back to the straight-faced opening). Is Rhett intended to be an allusion to Gone With the Wind? Are you trying to confuse the reader by switching wildly between dramatic and funny? I think you were trying to tune the silliness back down to mid-range, but the pacing doesn't work and I'm left feeling like there must be references or puns I'm missing at the end.

The sudden professing of love for one another is not believable as written. You need to better-establish the feelings of the birds toward each other, as this is the crux of the story. You can write love at first sight, but you need to sell it to the reader better than this: this came off as "hello there, oops now I suddenly am in love with you".

I'm not convinced at the end that Swan feels guilty enough for her final reaction. More birdwords would help establish her state of mind for the reader. I'm not familiar with swans having been supposed to be silent in legend, though a quick online search turned up that there's a species called "mute swan" which is relatively quiet.

>>Aragon
I don't think ponies have been rude or non-constructive in our critiques so far, but I've only read a portion of them because I avoid reading critiques for the stories I haven't read yet. The critiquing is the most valuable thing about the Writeoff, and honest appraisals of what worked and what didn't are important.

Try not to take criticism too literally (it isn't meant to tear down), and if you have issue with a particular critique, please reply to that critique so we can dialogue about it. Saying there's a problem in general isn't helpful if we aren't seeing what you're seeing.

(Of course, if there is somepony out there attacking others and I'm not aware of it, that needs to be dealt with. I just don't know that yet based on what I've seen.)

>>Aragon
More specifically—criticism is often going to be picky because we're struggling to find something to recommend, in case there's something the author was blind to that a comment might reveal. Saying "I liked your story" is great, but it doesn't help improve the story, which is the goal of commenting.

>>Trick_Question

Oh, no, I get that. I don't think that there's a single critique I want to point at and say "this is wrong" tho, because I don't think people are trying to be rude or attack or anything, and it's more a general feeling kinda thing than a particular example.

I'm sure people are trying to be helpful 'n shit, too, but -- there are ways and ways to say stuff.

'unno, not trying to be vague, I just don't think that pointing out people is going to help. Just take my comment as a general warning, I guess. Have in mind that this entry is full of first-timers. One can be helpful (and picky) and still change the general tone of the review to a more positive one, yaddah yaddah.

In other words: the review might be written with constructive criticism in mind, but the tone of it might end up sounding way more destructive than anything. I wouldn't say the reviews for this writeoff are at that point yet, but I get the feeling they're heading there.

I get pointing out the bad stuff. But point out the good stuff too, or else drama will arise, bro. And some people will get their feelings hurt or whatever, 'unno.

(For the sake of the argument, by the way -- not talking about anything that involves me or my stories in particular. I know this comment makes me sound butthurt and annoying, but that ain't the case; I've just been going through my ballot, and reading the reviews in there, and the overal feeling of the comments I saw made me frown. Putting that out there before I start looking delicate.)

>>Aragon
I apologize if anything I write seems harsh or judgmental. I only critique in order to offer something that may or may not help an author improve a work or grow as an author, but I'm socially dense.

Most ponies tend to like more feedback, and I spend a lot of time on my reviews. I tend to jump to "here are things that could be fixed" for expediency. I'd want to know if anypony thought I was being too harsh or not supportive enough, because I can do that easily without realizing it.

I'm done with reviews for the time being, at any rate.

EDIT: Because I have things to do and my slate is finished, not because drama! :twilightsmile:

>>Aragon
I just want to check if it's me. It goes without saying that I can't speak for anyone else, but if I'm the one you see writing callous reviews, personally, I want to be called out on it. That goes for anyone else, not just Aragon. If I'm crossing a line, or if I'm straddling that line, please let me know. I want to be a good reviewer and I don't want to be hurting anyone's feelings with my reviews, and I want to offer constructive criticism wherever I can.

>>Aragon
>>Trick_Question
>>FrontSevens

In regards to how this particular event is treated, it is a bit difficult to substantively evaluate the minifics in a sliding scale of "good vs bad" format simply because there is not that much content to gather evidence to properly balance that scale. These are not full stories: they live and die on the execution of one concept convincingly. Consequently, the point of criticism of a lot of these stories are not their individual components, but whether or not they worked as a coherent product, with suggesting being made towards making the story trend towards a more completely realized idea. This is different from a full story where you can pull individual ideas and scenes and say, "these work well, these doesn't." I think the overall perception of the more harsh tone is the result of the critique being leveled at the story as a whole rather than its components.

Anyways.

I think I'm taking my hat out the ring for reviews on this one. I'm mostly limited to typing on a phone while I'm on vacation, and I think this sort of atmosphere just doesn't suit my sort of critique. I don't want to start any sort of argument here, but personally I don't feel comfortable reviewing at an atmosphere in which people's feelings are on the line if my feedback is not formatted a certain way. I just got back to this, and I don't feel like ruffling any feathers.

This starts and ends on a great note. The middle is choppy and jumpy, but works fairly well like that? The characters seem to have enough illusion of depth to them, and the world hints at it too - although it's never really clear what's going on, that's alright for the most part, since it's not very important to the story.

Anyways, my one suggestion would be to bring that hint about the precog in a bit sooner, so it doesn't twist quite so sharply at the end.

Other than that, good stuff, and I enjoyed reading it!

I had suspicions, but you played the tone quite seriously, and I spent the majority of the story in suspense about just which way the story would fall. Nice to have a comedy in the mix.

The descriptions were good, if a little melodromatic, but that's kind of inherent in the premise. I could ding it for agency or development, but that kind of seems silly. At under 500 words, I'd say it accomplished what it set out to do.

[This story was read during our fic-reading event in the Discord chat (a recording of which will probably be available soon). This review will be a combination of my own thoughts on the story and what other people in the chat were saying about it.]

The general consensus seems to be that this story needs to be expanded a lot, and that it's more of a prologue or pilot than a story of its own. And while I agree that I would like to see this turned into a full story, I think that it stands on its own well enough. At the very least, it tells me enough to get me interested and excited.

The possibility that the guy talking here was actually the one who wanted the woman dead and that everything he said was just a ruse was brought up, but it was ultimately refuted by the fact that his actions don't really make sense if that is the case.

I also speculated on the possibility that the length of this story is fitting because, depending on how time travel works here, the entire timeline that this story takes place in ends when the story ends and she goes back in time.

In summary, I think that this is a good story and is very well done.

I like the tone here, and I think it's what the story succeeds with most. The mood is somber throughout, and that's not nearly as easy to pull off as people might think. It doesn't take much to overdo it. Particularly during the "party", you get a good sense the workers simply don't care about much of anything anymore. They seem too beaten.

However, I feel a lack of clarity keeps the story back. The narrator is experiencing depressing circumstances, but--and perhaps this is just me--I can't determine why. I have guesses, but none seems better than the other. Because of this, I can't take the emotional glum coming off the narrator's tone and attach it to anything concrete. Kinda like seeing somebody cry without knowing why they're crying. You can see their sorrow and in principle empathize, but you can't really connect--does that make sense?

but today it was different. No one felt in a hurry. No one had the guts to speak

welcoming for the last time the stroke of hot water

but they would soon end up on the dole, too.

Going by these clues (and the title), it's the narrator's last day as a coal miner, along with his co-workers, but not because the mine is shutting down. The 3rd line suggests the town runs its workers in shifts--how many times over I don't know.

Are they sad because they've lost work, or a camaraderie they've developed? They'll be hitting up the bar together later, and they all live in the same town. Speaking of which, the town is gated and guarded; this could mean lots of things.

The narrator's hesitation to enter their house is certainly interesting. Have they been away for very long? The last two lines I know are particularly important, but I don't know why. Why is being back home so bad? We're left with no indication (that I picked up, mind you).

I think some extra details would go a long way towards adding clarity and hooks to hang our emotions on. It seems like you're going for a subtle approach, but don't be afraid to loosen the belt a bit. After all, emotional impact and meaning isn't delivered through subtlety, but clear revelation. The revelation may arise from subtle details, but it isn't their subtlety which gives them impact, it's understanding what those details mean. If you can't do that, how do you know what to feel?

Anyhoo, some more information on what's going on and why the narrator feels the way they do about home would be very helpful. ^.^

[This story was read during our fic-reading event in the Discord chat (a recording of which will probably be available soon). This review will be a combination of my own thoughts on the story and what other people in the chat were saying about it.]

This is probably my favorite story so far. Unfortunately, it's not actually on my slate.

I am a fan of the Brothers Grimm, and this story seems like something that could have come straight out of one of their collections. Well, maybe it would fit in with Brothers Grimm stories if it had ended with Albatross killing Swan's husband before leaving, but I don't think that that's a necessary change.

The others in the chat thought that the relationship between Swan and Albatross needed more time to develop, but I disagree.

Basically, this story might not meet modern storytelling conventions, but if you were trying to emulate old fashioned fairy tales/fables, then I think you did so perfectly. And if you weren't, then you somehow managed to stumble into one anyway.

[This story was read during our fic-reading event in the Discord chat (a recording of which will probably be available soon). This review will be a combination of my own thoughts on the story and what other people in the chat were saying about it.]

We all agreed that it was very clear that you were building up to something here, though the opinions of the payoff were a bit varied. I thought that it was amusing, Not_A_Hat was hoping it would be a feghoot, and I think someone might have thought it was a bit disappointing. Perhaps it was a tad anticlimactic, but I think you did what you set out to do. On the whole, it certainly wasn't bad.

With no further ado, the live readings have ended. I was joined by a handful of listeners, and a mysteeeerious reader calling themselves Changelin|mposter, and a good time was had by all.

If I remember correctly, I read:

Cryogenics Anonymous
Owl City
One Day I Shall See a Bird
Birds of a Feather
Swan and Albatross
The Red Forest
Second Chance
Some Food Court Take Out

While the strange and unforeseen man of the hour, our inimitable guest reader Changelin|mposter read:

Long Distance Call
One Step Too Far
A Beautiful Morning
Of Time and Indie Game Design

Perhaps one of these stories was yours! Most of the stream was recorded, (except possibly the last story) by Murmurpunk. If all goes well, I'll do a bit of editing on that and post it to this thread in the next few days.

For now, I'm going to judge this experiment a success.

I don't make promises, but I enjoyed myself and others seemed to be having fun as well, so there's a pretty good chance that this will happen again at some point. Maybe next round. We will see.

J has summarized my feelings here fairly well. I do think the effect of the descriptions was interesting, too; a constant, almost hammering emphasis on the physical sensations of sound? That doesn't make a huge amount of sense, as Trick points out, but the effect was interesting.

This fic is overly ambitious, perhaps, but I appreciate that more than the reverse. Better to reach and fall short, in my opinion, than to settle for banality. Overall, I liked it.

[This story was read during our fic-reading event in the Discord chat (a recording of which will probably be available soon). This review will be a combination of my own thoughts on the story and what other people in the chat were saying about it.]

You pulled off an all-dialogue story very well. Personally, I think that this is a conversation I could imagine some chickens having. I'm not really left with a whole lot more to say, though. Definitely not a bad story, though perhaps not spectacular.

Well, I'll reply if only to emphasize that I'm Not_The_Author here. :P

I read this for the live readings, on J's urging. It was interesting in concept, and it managed to pull off a few twists in a way that wasn't confusing, which is something I appreciated.

The biggest thing holding this back, IMHO, (and I'm not really sure what would best fix this) is that it lacks ooomph. It doesn't seem to reach for any particularly high emotional notes, or depths of despair or what have you; it's overall a fairly mild ride. And that's alright, for the most part, but it does mean it doesn't leave a particularly strong impression at the end. It's a good impression, I'd say, but it's a mild one.

Make of that what you will. I hope it's helpful.

[This story was read during our fic-reading event in the Discord chat (a recording of which will probably be available soon). This review will be a combination of my own thoughts on the story and what other people in the chat were saying about it.]

The only thing better than a feghoot is a double feghoot. About halfway through the story, I had a feeling that one was coming, but I couldn't figure out what it was before the reader reached the end.

My only complaint is that there do not appear to be any references to Owl City, the band, unless they're just too obscure for me to notice.

I enjoyed reading this. In some ways, it makes me think of a "Lost Cities" style fic, with the circumstances shown through the gradual reveal of the background.

And that worked fairly well for me, although I think there were a few missteps. Wisent, in particular, threw me off; I wondered for a moment if I'd stepped into a fantasy story. When I reached the five-legged cicada, that shifted to post-apocalypse, but finding the Russian sign (which really screwed with my live reading, let me tell you what) shifted this to Chernobyl, which was mostly confirmed in my mind by the ferris wheel.

Anyways, I feel wisent was a weak choice, since it's a rather obscure term, IMHO. I had to google it later to find out it's a type of bison. And I'm not sure how many people know that Chernobyl has a ferris wheel, but I'm not sure if there's a better way to signal the ending of the situation.

Other than that, well... that rolling reveal, though nice, is really all there is to the story. Following the actions of the animals works as a placeholder, but it's not particularly compelling? I can't claim I know how to improve this, though.

[This story was read during our fic-reading event in the Discord chat (a recording of which will probably be available soon). This review will be a combination of my own thoughts on the story and what other people in the chat were saying about it.]

Not_A_Hat already left his comments from the chat on here, so I'll probably mostly focus on what I thought of this one.

Both Not_A_Hat and I got the impression that this might be taking place in a video game. The firefight, the bottomless rucksack, and the somewhat detached nature of the story all being apparent hints towards this. I thought that this story was hurt a bit by the fact that we're just kind of thrown in with no clues as to the setting or anything, to the point where I was wondering if this might actually be a fanfic for, or at least set in the world of, a video game that I've never played. It's still a strong story overall though.

I also liked that you didn't end this story with the twist on the prompt. The line you did use at the end makes a much better ending.

For some reason, I found this line:

He sighs and I expect him to start picking me up and shuffling me.

Very effective.

Overall, I have agree with J. Other than a feeling of general melancholy, depression, and listlessness, I didn't get much of anything from this fic. Mood-as-theme is doable, I think, and a high goal to aim for, but it doesn't come across nearly strong enough to justify everything that's going on here to me.

Experimental and interesting for that, but... that's about all, I'd say.

[This story was read during our fic-reading event in the Discord chat (a recording of which will probably be available soon). This review will be a combination of my own thoughts on the story and what other people in the chat were saying about it.]

I thought that the "twist" at the end was incredibly obvious. The part before the break was enough for me to at least consider it, and the second paragraph after the break made me absolutely certain I was right. But some people didn't catch it, so maybe I'm just too used to stories about this.

For the most part, I think this story is rather good. It's biggest problem, in my opinion, is that these stories are pretty much always trying to take a position and tell us a message (and it's almost always "the atom bombs were terrible"), but this one doesn't really do that. Or at least, it's message isn't very strong. Normally, I might say that was a good thing, but in this case, it leaves the story feeling a bit empty to me.

I'm having a hard time reviewing this one. It starts out serious, but then becomes progressively more and more absurd.

I enjoyed some of the jokes but at the end when she's dying, despite the story obviously not being serious, I have a hard time finding humor in the subject. To be honest, I don't see how the jokes require her dying to be funny. It might have required more work, but a scene where the husband and wife were teasing each other in the hospital could have preserved most of the humor, without having such a mood dissonance.

Tone quibbles aside, the writing was solid. You set the scene quickly and the descriptions were vivid. Despite the content, the dialog also flowed well. You've obviously got skill, I mostly have the feeling that this prompt didn't agree with you.

I really liked this. There is something charming and whimsical in the girls' friendship and watching them play hide and seek. Perhaps the story struck a nostalgic cord in me.

However, I feel that a few decisions sacrificed the impact of Leigh's death, by sort of letting the air out of the balloon too early. You want it to pop instead. Namely, this line:

Sometimes, when I’m taking a long shower, or when I’m in bed at night and can’t sleep, I try to piece together the memories of what happened next in my mind, like a fuzzy jigsaw puzzle.

In the paragraph immediately before this, I had the growing sense of dread that this happy chase scene was about to be ruined, probably rather violently (emotionally jarring, I mean). I felt real suspense. But this line unfortunately ruined that, by letting on that disaster was indeed about to occur.

I think you should get rid of it, and carry on straight into the fateful fall. This would allow us to experience it as the narrator does, far enhancing its power. On that same note, you should axe these lines too, I think:

Leigh had done this dozens of times. Maybe she was always lucky before. Maybe she was just unlucky now. Maybe a fly flew into her eye and she misjudged the distance to the cliff. Maybe she was just reckless. But regardless of why it happened, it happened

You could always place them at a later point, like when they're reminiscing over Leigh at the end.

You may disagree, and other readers will supply their own thoughts. But I think you should strive for a sudden, striking effect. Foresight causes me to emotionally distance myself for protection.

As I said though, I really enjoyed the characterizations of the girls, though this being a minific there wasn't to fit in. I particularly liked this line too: "She climbed around me like a monkey up the hillside path and I gave chase."

[This story was read during our fic-reading event in the Discord chat (a recording of which will probably be available soon). This review will be a combination of my own thoughts on the story and what other people in the chat were saying about it.]
I can't recall us saying much about this one though.

I think that FrontSevens summed it up perfectly with the first line in his review. This story is an example of what I like to call "feelmongering." It exists only to give you the feels. To be fair, pretty much all sad stories do that, but this one comes across as just trying too hard to make you feel, so in the end, I had almost no emotional reaction to it.

I will give this story some credit for seeming fairly realistic to me. Though the part where he just randomly decides to call after seven years of avoiding it is pushing it for me. It seems like there should have been something to trigger him finally calling.

[This story was read during our fic-reading event in the Discord chat (a recording of which will probably be available soon). This review will be a combination of my own thoughts on the story and what other people in the chat were saying about it.]

It's a good thing that Hat was there for this one, because I never would have figured out that this is Chernobyl on my own. My first impression was just that the story had some very nice imagery, but I didn't see much of a point to it. But once Hat pointed out the Chernobyl thing, I saw that this story is actually quite good, and I think that it uses the prompt very well.

[This story was read during our fic-reading event in the Discord chat (a recording of which will probably be available soon). This review will be a combination of my own thoughts on the story and what other people in the chat were saying about it.]

There was some discussion about some apparent contradiction in what Greg says about his experiences, and I think that his opinions of the game seem a bit contradictory at times. The kiss also seemed like it might have been a bit much, as we weren't sure if you were trying to imply some sort of present or future relationship between Greg and Sasha.

Still, it's a good story overall, and using indie game design of all things to tell it certainly makes it interesting.

Lots to like here. The opening lines were good and drew me in; the subject matter is hefty (makes it super tricky to deal with in a minific), and I really enjoyed it for the first third, before the father lost his temper. It got a bit rocky after that.

“I want a normal son! I want someone that people won’t point at me behind my back and whisper about,” he roared.
“Why can't you just accept me for who I am, what I like!”
“Why can’t you just be someone I can be proud of?!

Now I have to be careful here, because this could very well have come from direct personal experience. If that's the case it changes things. As witness to lots of conversations like this myself (so I have only my own experience to draw from), the dialogue is too on the nose here. Specifically, the father outright saying his true feelings: why can't you be normal, I'm embarrassed, etc. In my experience, these rarely if ever come out directly, instead masquerading behind arguments that lean on "what's best for you." Instead of "why can't you be normal" it's "lack of sunlight and a social life isn't healthy for you. You spend too much time on this."

I understand the father is drunk, and angry drunk parents are outside my experience. And to your credit, you're obviously spot on with comparisons to "what I did when I was your age."

You'll have to see what other readers say. For me, their conversation felt too unnatural and melodramatic once tempers skyrocketed. I know you didn't have much space to build the emotions, and space is really what this kind of story and its material need. When you don't have that comfort, a more subtle approach is best, I think. What you had going right up until the dad loses his temper is great. I really liked his attempts to bond by suggesting the festival, but of course, the son doesn't see it as such. This is very true to life.

Time travel? I guess I'm about to find out.

Hmm, I know you might really like this bit, but I suggest avoiding it. It sort of undoes any emotional heft, for me at least. Why bother feeling a sense of loss when the narrator is poised to undo it? Plus comes out of nowhere.

I know you probably wanted this to inject a sudden swelling of hope at a happy ending--for us to cheer the narrator on. So maybe it's just me.

Either, nice work. ^.^

Gonna agree:

With everything >>axis_of_rotation says on this. I also wondered what Central refers to at the end: to me, it's an adjective in search of a noun and is an odd little dangling thread at the end of a story that's going right to the top of my ballot.

Mike

What's here:

Is a nice scene, but it's not a story. If, as >>Trick_Question says, it's fanfic for something called Overwatch, that's also a problem 'cause I don't know what Overwatch is. I'd definitely like to see longer and more complete work from you, though, author. :)

Mike

Capitalist shilling in the Writeoff? I don't know how to feel about this.

Well, there seem to be a lot of these kind of comedy stories on my slate, and I heard a few more in the Discord reading session. This one was better than most.

The last video game I played:

Was "Tank" sometime in the early 1980s, but I'm not so entirely out of the pop culture loop that I don't get the basic set-up here. And it's a lot of fun.

My only suggestion would be to let us hear the adventurers reacting when they find the hat--just a line or two about how odd it is with maybe a question about whether it might be cursed or not before they end up taking it anyway.

Mike

>>Aragon

Gotta say, this bit baffled me. It's a story -- details like this one give the story a bit more character. I can't see why one would criticise something like choosing how the dead character died.

I haven't read the rest of this thread so I won't comment on the more general discussion of the WriteOff's callousness (right now at least). About that particular point however, I'd say I've felt the fact that the woman was a military as a bit gushy. There's (to me) a subtext message here, kinda “if you marry a military, then you should expect it to die”, which is true, but is valid also for cops or firefighters or whatever other risky job. So plumping for military felt a bit cliché to me.

This story isn't on my ballot, but >>Baal Bunny's review happened to catch my eye, and then I knew I had to read this one.

This story is great and I love it. The only criticism I can possibly think of is that the connection to the prompt is flimsy to the point that I'm not really sure that it's there. Still, this will end up high on my slate, should it eventually appear there at all.

Poor little skeletons just don't realize that players like grabbing rare items even more than they like grabbing strong and valuable items.

Zn’rgforp the fenestrated’s final bellow of rage echoed throughout the level

fenestrated
adjective
having windows or window-like openings

That is hilarious.

Our narrator really does not have very good luck.

I'm not entirely sure who the medic is supposed to be. I think he's supposed to be a time traveler, based mostly on the prompt and his confusion of tenses, but that just leaves me wondering why he's doing this. I guess he just wants to save people. The only other option I can think of is that he's supposed to be some sort of guardian angel, which would explain most things about him, but then the connection to the prompt and the mistake with tenses don't make as much sense. But that would explain why the people were unbandaged when the other medics arrived, which the time traveler theory doesn't really do.

Anyway, I think that this is a very good story, and I quite enjoyed it. The only thing that I might change is that near the end, he tells the narrator to hold something, but you never say anything about what that something is. It's probably not something important, but because this is the type of story that encourages readers to look at every detail to try to piece everything together, I kept wondering what that thing was and if it was somehow important.

Let's get started with the reviews. Usual disclaimer, I may or may not know what I'm talking about, take my reviews with a grain of salt.

I liked this story, I liked it a lot even if I see a couple of problems here and there.

Let me begin with a couple of generic observations: I don't think that the author intended to have a twist in the story. For those a bit more knowledgeable in history the foreboding is enough to at least suspect time and place, for the others the line at the end gives the missing information explicitly. This is also not a story that tries to tell "The atom bombs were horrible", that is a given and not even discussed (and I will not discuss if those were necessary or not, that is a complex issue that has no place here). What this story wants to communicate (or at least what come through to me) was the far more important "Remember, those people were humans too". Sometimes we forget this. It's not that we are evil or malicious, it's that it's difficult to do it. And this, and other stories like this, try to correct this. I think that this message came through. We are not supposed to care too much for Naoki specifically. There is not enough room in 750 words to build a true connection to someone who grew up and lived in a society that is so alien to our current sensibilities, at least if you haven't already an idea about the cultural framework. We are only asked to recognize his humanity, and at least for me that worked.

Now on the things that could be improved.
The part about the fallen companions and friends sounded unnatural. Adding some kind of trigger that explains why he thinks about them would probably improve the flow. My own knowledge about Shintoism or Buddhism is quite lacking, but maybe letting it flow from a prayer for the fallen or by having him look at a small shrine could make it look a bit less on the nose. Same for the wound. Hint at the wound, then let the thoughts about the surgeon come from some other thread. Difficult considering the space limitation, I know, but worth a try.

As for the rest, beautiful story. The small gestures when he prepares for breakfast helped a lot in defining the tone and the setting.

Well I won't argue with Monokeras when it comes to any part of France but I found this story to flow a lot better than the average it seems. A moment of reflection in the trenches isn't that hard to imagine for me, much of the war was more grinding horror than artillery and big pushes after all, especially on the Western Front.

The idea of nothing ever growing again is a bit far-fetched in hindsight (after all 'in Flanders fields the poppies grow...') but I can see how the boots on the ground could have easily seen it that way and so I liked the message.

As an aside, Iron harvest is the name of the ongoing efforts to render these battlefields safe again (and possibly a few Fallout: Equestria OCs :P). A couple hundred tons of high explosive are recovered from the ground every year, which is just an unimaginable amount.

>>billymorph
I recently talked to someone who leads aerial magnetometric missions. A helicopter equipped with highly sensitive magnetic sensors flies above the area to probe, and the iron contained in the dud’s husk generates a minute anomaly in the overall magnetic field, which is registered and localised. It is then easy to dig exactly at the right place to pull out the shell.

>>Monokeras
Easy is a really strong word when used in association with old, unstable explosives where the fuse may or may not be ready to come late to work and blow the thing up. I admit that it may be a bigger problem with WW2 duds (they still recover a lot of them here in Germany) but even with older stuff I wouldn't really say it's "easy".

I'm not really sure what to make of this one. Is it supposed to be one of those "Lost Cities"-style stories that people around here seem to like so much?

Anyway, your descriptions are nice, but that's really all there is to this story. I don't find anything else about it particularly compelling. It's not a bad story. Just a solid "meh."

>>Orbiting_kettle
Well, the “easy” was about digging at the right place. I didn’t imply the duds would be easy to neutralise after being recovered. That's a field I have no competence in and I agree handling those rusty deadly items is prolly very dangerous. But at least you don't dig haphazardly any more.

>>Monokeras Huh, that's an awesome way to try and find these shells.

It still amazes me that after a hundred years there's still anything down there, but there was just so much metal and death in so little space it boggles the mind. I can imagine particularly clever archaeologists from a thousand years hence pinpointing these battles just by the sheer amount of stuff buried beneath those fields.

Reviewing this story was difficult for me, mainly because I didn't feel any connection. While I usually try to discount such criticism in stories shorter than a thousand words that try to convey some idea, in this case it is a primary requirement for it to work.

I can't say anything about the technical side of the writing. As far as I know it's well written and there aren't any hiccups that break the flow.

I have been thinking for a few hours about what you could have changed to make it connect with me in some way, and I came up only with the idea to have it as a longer story where we can see how and why the MC rose to power, how he lost, if he ever had, any empathy and how his life evolved from there, all intermingled with his current knowledge. But that would have been a completely different story, and I'm not here to tell you how to write.

At the end, it may simply be that I'm not the right audience for it.

Finishing off the first 24 hours with one more story from my slate that currently has no reviews.

I think the ending could use a bit of work. Obviously something went wrong and something terrible happened, but I can't quite figure out what. My first thought was that this John Rothwell guy had some Hulk-like thing going on, and this system to contain/cure him failed and he broke out. But upon closer reading, it looks more like a malfunction led to some sort of explosion. Well, the dented and crumpled cylinder suggests more of an implosion, but chunks of metal missing seems more explosion-like. I suppose the pipes being torn off of the wall could go either way. Maybe I'm just not thinking of this correctly, but I think that clearing up your imagery here could help.

The prompt drop also seemed a bit forced, though I think the variation of it in your last line seemed more forced, but that could just me.

My other problem with this story is that it's actually pretty empty. The first half of the story doesn't really seem to do much besides set the scene and our expectations for how things go here, but I don't think that much would have been lost if those first two scenes had been cut, merged with the third, or better yet, somehow expanded to tell us more about the characters and what's happening here.

On the whole, it's not bad, but it's not quite there, either. You've got the bare bones of your story, now give it some meat.

Yeah, yeah. A bit cynical, but quite superficial. I mean, the ranting harps on for too long, and the succession of events sounds contrived: they stack up one atop the other until they break immersion somehow. It really sounds artificial. I think you went a tiny bit overboard. And the end is a bit meh.

Instead of expanding the ranting for so long, as a final scene you could have shown us the guy materialising on a road by night. A car comes in at full tilt, its headlights pick him out in the middle of the road, the car jinxes and flips. And of course it's his Grandfather's.

Huh, wasn't expecting a superhero story. Actually that's probably my critique in a nutshell, this is an interesting story but it crouches itself as a morality play rather than what it actually ends up being. Because of that the central crux of the story is left unfulfilled by the twist ending and the twist adds far more questions than it resolves. A strong effort and concept, but needed more foreshadowing or a different framework to my mind.

>>billymorph
That’s because you’re not familiar with archaeological discoveries. For example, the second Celtic Bronze Age, La Tène, was named after a Swiss hamlet when a treasure trove of weapons and sundry art objects was found. So, WW1 was no real innovation on that particular aspect. It's just the amount of it that's dumbfounding.

Come back in three weeks Rainbow, you're early.

Seriously though, this was a solid story of a single moment in an athlete's life and a reflection on how much their future pivots on a ballgame. The imagery is strong but I fear this one got a little caught up in the navel gazing and so lacked punch. In many ways this is the prelude to the decisive moment in the character's life, not the moment itself and that saps a lot of my enthusiasm for the piece. Does what it does well, but I'm not convinced its the right point to tell the story, if that makes sense.

>>Ratlab Agreed, couldn't have happened to anyone better.

Still, while I find this story very strong I do find a few things jarring. The anti-semitic rhetoric is a little clunky (that we live in a world where I can make that complaint is a little jarring in and of itself, but modern/Nazi views I understand are far more focused on a more nebulous 'evil' than flat anti-christian rhetoric) and the final paragraph is probably a little too gorey, going out the other side of descriptive and making the effect of the blast harder to wrap your head around. Those are fairly minor complaints however, well done.

I was holding off on this, but It's about time that I should let it out...

(For the Author)

Generally, I liked the detail you put in the story, It paints a clear picture of (as the other reviewers say) "Hanging out with the Bros". It also has the nice touches of the nitpicks and twitches of each character, adding a little more interest. (No one wants to read about a boring character, and you've done well, giving each of them an individual personality, while unifying them).

Now, here is critical part-
It's just me, but the language of the dialogue strikes as a bit uncouth, even for casual talk between buddies. I suggest you turn it down by adding a little more passive side of things (maybe add a little more to peacemaker "Kestrel")... Kestrel seems to be that type, but make her a little more 'Benvolio' (Look it up!) to add depth.
However, keep in mind, this is only my perception, it may be a bad thing to take out the style of language

TL;DR: Detail is amazing, I applaud you on that. You may want to tone it down, the characters come off a bit strong- though that could be just me.

(For the Critics)

To be honest, I need to agree with Aragon, some of the critiques I read can come off as highly offensive.
Trust me, I take everything personally, and it's a really big blow to the spirit when some critics don't give you a second chance.
But what I must touch on the most, to balance these out, is the meaning of 'constructive criticism'

Constructive means to build something... and for the most part, most of these reviews come across as (language is a bit unorthodox, but bear with me) "You're an idiot, there is a mistake here- and here- and here...".
I'm not telling you guys to fluff it up and sugar coat the truth... oh dear Celestia- NO! I actually like it when someone points out an error, I'd give anything to improve my writing! All I'm asking is that you include something to say "here is how you can fix it", and that'll suffice.

It may come across as rude to spell it out to the author like they're a toddler... but if everyone was taught without how to fix their egregious errors, would anyone learn? Some of us cannot look into another's frame of mind, so it's best to point out how to fix it so new writers can learn!

TL;DR: Go through and tell the writer how to fix the problem, any simpleton can point out errors- that is the meaning of constructive criticism. It might come across as extra rude, but we need to learn sometime!

All in all, I'm ranting... here... have some kitten pictures to calm your nerves! (I know it helped me calm down)

Ooo, burn!

Okay, I'm done, sorry for that. So this is a bit of a weird story, falling very much into the 'half a story' sentiment above as there's very little to characterise the characters until the final humanising punch. In a way I like that, we've all met a person willing to blow up the ground beneath them in order to 'win' the conversation, but it's also harshly to its detriment in actually drawing the reader in. Worse still much of the story is repetitive, the back and forth is endless and pointless after a while and there's really no reason not to skip to the end after the first third. The idea is reasonable, but it could be much, much streamlined.

I can appreciate the intent of the story, and I like stories that portray the sweep of time. I'll agree with FrontSevens and Trick_Question that the style is sometimes telly, and that a series of fox-eye viginettes would be more cohesive. (this may be my personal bias showing through, though)

Mechanically sound, though the wording is occasionally clunky. One that stood out for me was

Children had played here, in times that he had not lived through, when the house had not been abandoned.

I did like the imagery, though, I'm always a fan of description.

God, sir or ma'am. Those puns.

Your funny bits are funny, and your pathos bits are pathos-y, but much like steak and custard, I'm not sure they mix well even if they're each done capably.

(I did once have an excellent bacon milkshake. This should not detract in the least from my metaphor.)

Spelling, grammar, flow, and language are all good, though (I particularly liked the bit where Jackie re-folds her arms just to not mirror her husband; that's some good subliminal spite there), and with that, this feels like a quick experiment by a capable author to a tight deadline; much, in fact, like a chef mixing steak and custard in his off-time just to see if it works.

I don't think I've much to add to what've been said by the former reviewers. On the one hand, it's a good, crude, vivid description of an everyday's reality. The story flows well and reads without effort, and the ?numbness? of the senior officer acts as a foil to the naïveté of the younger one. The two play reasonably well off of each other, though the role of the senior officer is limited to somewhat clichéd advice.

I agree that Dave is a bit naive, even for a rookie. It seems like you really want to hammer something into our minds through Dave's reactions. What is the subtext here? Cops and medics are callous? Out-of-touch? Well, as you say, there's no other way.

So it's more a raw scene than a story, which is not a problem per se, but I'm left wondering what the takeaway is.

Short and to the point. The setup was interesting and flowed smoothly. I don't recall any mechanical issues. The intro does a good job of doing what you want it to, I think.

As to the feghoot itself, I had a hard time appreciating it, due to a dumb reason: I don't really see how the second half of the sentence contrasts with the first; it seems more like a non-sequiter, so linking them with 'but' felt off. Silly, I know, but it broke the flow compared to how natural and smooth the rest of your dialog was.

One more here for not realising it was Chernobyl - I figured a general sort of post-apocalyptic setting - but I enjoyed it regardless, and its core message still worked even without me knowing where specifically it was.

The language here brushes right up against the edge of purple without ever quite going over; really, just one single extra fine-wrought descriptor anywhere in here and the whole thing would snap like an overstretched spring, but it never quite crossed that line for me. That's either mastery or sheer luck, and I can't tell which.

Wonderfully evocative, all in all, and a high place on my slate.

First, a few technical details I cannot ignore:

His eyes would wander and I'll catch a glimpse of yours.

You're in present tense though, so it's, "His eyes wander and I catch a glimpse of yours."

it's just that in a year's time, Professor Gwendolyne

Missing comma.

Matthew has died in Flanders fields

Missing period, also past tense would be preferable.

Professor Gwendolyne shadow

Do you mean, "Professor Gwendolyne's shadow?"

I'm not sure whether all of this is correct, but here is is what I understand is going on. The story is set during World War 1. The female narrator, on the side of the allies (quite possibly US or Canadian), has secretly followed someone close to her, and later follows that person's son Matthew, into war. She does that to remain close to him, assuming fake identities (e.g. that of Professor Gwendolyne). Also mentioned is Wendy, Matthew's sister, who is a military nurse. At first I thought these people are the narrator's husband and children, but it seems improbable since Matthew only seems to know her as his teacher and Wendy does not recognise her at all. Maybe she is the father's former lover.

The biggest problem I see with the story is how hard it is to understand. To be fair, hermeticism in not necessarily a bad thing, and in fact it's the story's biggest upside as well, as it demands the reader to look deeper. I just don't enjoy stories that require research and analyzing every paragraph multiple times in order to be remotely understood. To be frank, this was quite confusing and frustrating to me, and I think it would be a better story if it were clearer.

Other than that I cannot find much to comment on. The last paragraph is a promise that the narrator will never succeed in the task of forgetting. It means the conflict is not resolved, but I wouldn't criticize that as it makes sense and fits the tone of the story.

This is definitely all about the tone. Unlike axis_of_rotation, I did think that the mine was shutting down. There still seemed to be coal in it, so I'd guess either an accident, or just that it wasn't economical anymore.

The one thing that caught me off guard was it apparently not being in the US; I had it pegged firmly in Appalachia until that line. It's flimsy, but from the 'comrades,' maybe it's in the USSR? The ending was interesting as well; it seems like the fellow is putting up a front to his family.

>>axis_of_rotation, I think the guards were on the mine, not the town?

It did a good job setting the mood, but the prose was occasionally clunky (or at least I would have worded it differently)

For example,

the more mundane, lighter limestone layers

I'm not sure 'more mundane' really adds much. Also,

Not a word was pronounced

isn't very colloquial. I would have probably phrased it 'No one said a word'

Quibbles aside, I found it atmospheric, and liked a lot of the little details and actions that managed to evoke emotion without being too heavy handed about it. Good show vs tell.

I second >>The_Letter_J. I hadn't even thought of time travel until I read your review, J, but thinking about it now I definitely believe that's it. As for mentioning unbandaged people, I think those are ones the medic hadn't helped, probably because they were going to live anyway. The narrator says he's the fifth one helped by the medic, who when he's finished says there are two more to save, making seven in total. But we know there are dozens wounded.

My biggest critique of this story is possibly unfair: it uses a real atrocity as its framework, and this drew comparisons to the story's emotional accuracy. I guess I should be honest: I don't think it came close. I do not feel it did justice to the trauma of that attack, and that's what irks me.

Now this is unfair because had the story taken place on the titanic, I would be much more forgiving. I am used to tales of that disaster. So it's likely because the Paris attacks occured in my lifetime, and so recently, that I dislike any story touching on it which doesn't strive to respect and truly capture the horror of that night. Not that you meant any disrespect of course. I ought to be careful using that word anyway, because I had no friends or family involved, so perhaps i shouldnt assume indignation concerning an event I wasn't a part of.

Anyway, I like the creative twist on 'time heals wounds' here. ^.^

This one's not on my ballot, but I read it after seeing Baal's review. My views are basically in line with the previous comments. Trim the two lines that >>axis_of_rotation mentions, and then you might want to try slightly extending the first scene, making a little more mention of 'both of them'.

Other than that, though, a solid piece.

The intro paragraph was good, but then Jane's first line threw me for a loop when I read it cold; I thought she was some tour guide or prissy, high-bred customer. I didn't get enough context to understand it until seven or eight lines later.

I can see >>Trick_Question's point, but the disguise was good enough that it didn't particularly bother me when I was reading it. More environment description would be nice. I'm not sure where they are that Willan would have a spade - most of the areas outside of the enclosures are usually paved, in my experience.

I'm a little surprised that a zoo employee would be so cavalier about throwing rocks at the exhibits, as well as Willan referring to him as 'old Khan' when he's a yearling.

Those were minor complaints, though. In general, I found the story interesting and coherent, and I can't help but wonder how much of it is actually true to life.

The story has engaging, very well-done first person narrative and dialogue. My personal highlight is how the scene is set in the beginning:

"Fascinating, George. I'm sure there is a point to all this, but, if you allow me to be direct, why are we in a barn and why is that cow looking at me like there's nothing she wants more than to gut me?"

The premise is of course a little silly but within reason, and I like the worldbuilding.

The conflict between the narrator and George builds up nicely. The only weak point I see is the ending, which sort of breaks the style to basically tell the reader, "and this is how it ends." The author presumably struggled with the limited narration time there (haha), but that doesn't change the fact that it makes the ending feel slightly awkward. But it's still a brilliant story.

This is well-crafted; there's a good voice to it, and it builds up nicely towards the revelation of what Matias could be. I did feel the ending spoiled things, though. When Matias apparently hits his tormentor, and the narrator isn't sure what just happened, there's a sort of haunting, creeping uncertainty about whether Matias is normal or whether there really is something weird going on... and then you hit him with a truck and throw it all out the window. I think it might be much improved by slicing out that final bit, and leaving the uncertainty there. (Though, you know, my opinion, probably bollocks, etc. etc.)

I'm also not sure how this is relevant to the prompt; is it that time hasn't been able to remove this memory from our narrator's mind?

Still, not a bad read.

My overall impression is that this reads like the beginning of a mediocre heroic fantasy novel. While the style is not actually that bad, it could definitely be more vivid, and the whole thing is built out of stereotypes.

What could have been a strong point is the conflict of failing to live up to people's/ your parents' expectations. I think it's a good conflict to have for a young character, and especially someone in a higher social position like a prince. Where it falls apart for me, however, is the resolution in a "it all became clear in a dream" turning point. The reason why I don't like that is, first, it's forced and does not really show the progression of the character, and second, it's really the least interesting thing that could happen. Just to throw in one possible alternative, I would like a story in which the prince decided, screw you all, I will become a baker and bake bread for the rest of my life because I love bread. Something like that would make the story a lot fresher.

Something that threw me off was the character of Tammen. In the brief bit in which he is part of the story, he is inconsistent. The reader does not get much of an introduction of him, granted, but the first impression is that of a mentor who, might he care about Thomas or not, is trying to build him up. Then, in the next moment, he just tosses him away. If he is like that, you should introduce him as cold and neglecting from the start so that it becomes believable.

To mention another thing that I did like, the title "Thomas the Lame" is pretty cool. If he goes on to become a great heroic knight it would definitely make him stand out.

The description here is nice. I feel like this is a clever use of language, though I don't think I'm qualified enough to be able to pinpoint where and why.

It's an interesting delve into this man's perspective on the war he fought in, and some higher themes, like the one brought up when he notices the kids in the park. Gives me something to think about.

It doesn't enthrall me, though. It's good, and I was somewhat engaged, but I guess I'm not particularly inclined to long descriptive paragraphs of narration. I'm thinking it's a matter of taste. Besides that, I think this one was solid.

I like the language here. The specific descriptions, little details like American Idol or blueberries into the canvas or whatever, make this story more vivid. I also like the stream-of-consciousness type narration. I think you do it well. Also, what do you call these things you're using, metaphors? I like the way you do words :v

I do have to complain about the plot, though, because I don't know what's going on >.> I mean, it sounds like this guy did something wrong that caused her to leave, so going off my experience watching movies with romance plots, I have to guess he cheated on her? I don't know if that's the case here. I have a feeling it's not, and that the plot is kinda buried or hidden, and I don't have the energy to play detective and piece together the clues. I don't get the end either, nor do I get what's in the ()s.

Great language, but a plot I couldn't quite decipher. Good work though :>

I think even a casual gamer would find this premise fun (I did, and I’m a very casual gamer). Cromarty’s feelings about his hat rather endeared him to me. If a skeleton can love his hat and mourn its loss, he’s a skeleton I’d like to know.

I would have preferred it without the blatant explanation of the setting in the line:

“Crap. Players.”

But otherwise there’s nothing I dislike here, and unlike the previous reviewer I think the link to the prompt is reasonable. Solid entry.

I agree with my fellow readers on this. All fun with puns aside (I've never been one to groan at them, why pass up a chance to smile?), there are tonal misalignments here, and some logic gaps. For instance, Rhett relenting on getting a doctor makes sense, until we learn she's dying (unless that's a joke too? Or she's not really dying but they're pretending she is).

Anyway clean up shouldn't be too difficult, and I did enjoy the dog's names. Terrible to some, clever to others, that's how puns always go.

>>axis_of_rotation
You're probably right about the unbandaged people.The thing is, that opens up a major plot hole: how did the medics not notice that several people, including the narrator, were all bandaged and stitched up? That's why I thought that the line about the unbandaged people was trying to say that some sort of weird magic thing had happened and the bandages were just stabilizing people until the medics arrived, at which point they magically disappeared, or something.

>>Ratlab
Now that you mention it, there is a bit of a disconnect in that sentence. I think that while feghoots are usually played straight, with the characters not really acknowledging them or anything, in this case, it seems more like Ferdinand knows exactly what he's saying. So it's more of a character making a pun then it is the story making a pun, if that makes sense.

The style is interesting. The major thing I must criticize though is that the narrative perspective is not consistent. You use a rare one that is sometimes referred to as cinematic, since it's like viewing the scene from a camera angle without the knowledge of what goes on in the main character's head (as would be the case in, for example, the all-popular third person limited). That is established in the beginning when you introduce the view on the room - disconnected from the character, who is described as "a man" who enters, without even mentioning a name. You even at one point say "He looked happier - or perhaps it was a trick of the red light," which you could not do in limited since you would know what he felt. However, there are a few instances in which you do jump out of the cinematic and do include his thoughts.

He gazed over the readings. Normal. Good.

You can omit the "Normal. Good" without taking anything from the story - you already show that this is normal, so you don't have to additionally tell it.

It was cold, and he imagined he felt a body.

Also completely gratuitous.

I agree with The_Letter_J on the first half, to an extend. I think that stretching it out a little is justified since it illustrates the long time that the protagonist waits for John to heal, but the first two scenes are too similar. You could rather use a few tells, like,

"Computer, report." He always said that.

Or you could bend the time through the narrative, like,

The man came back every day. "Report for patient Rothwell, John T," The computer would report. "No abnormalities detected. Progress: Thirty-five point three percent."
Then the next day, "Progress: Thirty-five point four percent."
"Progress: Thirty-five point five percent."
"Progress: Thirty-five point six percent."

I understand that the repetition in the beginning of the first three scenes is deliberate, but it's a bit overdone.

I like the dialogue bit in the middle, it really brings across the desperation of the unnamed main character.

As for the ending, I don't think that it's bad that the details are not clear. After all, in cinematic view, the narrative only observes, and I think that's one of the strengths of this story. The part I really don't like though is the last paragraph.

And he felt as if he had been cut up, and a piece had been taken from him. And in that moment, he knew that time could not replace his missing piece.

First of all, it is again gratuitous and breaking the cinematic perspective. And then, the prompt drop, as The_Letter_J has already pointed out, is forced. I would just straight-out cut the paragraph and end on "Computer, -" as the emotional impact on the protagonist is more than clear from the situation.

>>The_Letter_J
Could be. In that case, the author might want to establish that bit of characterization earlier with Ferdinand spouting out some different horrible puns to Moe or the like.

>>Trick_Question

I don't think non-solitary wasps feed on nectar

This. I don't have a problem with the fist-sized wasps, I got that this is in a fantasy setting (though it might still be a good idea to introduce that more obviously in the first scene), but if you want me to suspend my belief over their size it helps to make them like real wasps in other respects.

The way the last two sections are blended together doesn't fit the idea that the initial narratives were stories being told to Billy after the gas attack.

This also confuses me. First I thought that they are really in a battle against the dragon and that it was a historical fantasy setting, WW1 with magic. Then I thought, okay, everything before the soft break is in Billy's delirious mind. But that's obviously not it since it's James's POV. I don't really get the impression from the story that it's the one James is about to tell him in the end, either. So I don't know what to say about this other than that it's not quite clear to me what actually happens.

Up to the confusing end, I did enjoy it, though. The progression from kids to teenagers and finally adults was nice.

Author, your fic is silly, and you should feel silly.

The dialog flowed naturally enough, and the story length felt about right. The descriptions were also basically solid, but they were all visual or aural. You might want to consider working in scent or touch.

>>Astrarian
There were a lot of blatant call outs, Players was mentioned a couple other times, and they were talking about zones and stuff, too. Those didn't really bother me, though, and overall I was amused.

Also, if it gets picked for a reading, Not_A_Hat should be the reader, because irony.

I've always liked the premise of soul/life collectors. I don't feel like this really delivers, though. I feel a bit shallow for admitting it's because technical errors in the writing itself kept yanking me out of my immersion, but there you go. I apologise for my brusqueness.

I actually think it would be much better if it was even shorter, even though it isn't exactly pushing the word limit. That's because there's some redundancy in what we're told, and also because the author absolutely nails certain ideas in very few words - for example:

“Don’t be sad, love. People like me know when their time has come.”

I wasn’t sad for her. “I understand.”

Simple and direct and oof, I think I got more of a sense of the collector's personality from this than the longer segments that tried to give them more depth.

So: could do with another editing run or two, but the bones of an intriguing story are definitely present in here. Good effort.

>>Ratlab
Yeah, I know, but that one in particular bugged me because it felt unnatural. In all the other instances I could buy that they'd say that stuff to each other. Not for that one. Why not, "Here they come," or something? But it's a very minor complaint!

Boy, this Writeoff's like the all-you-can-eat buffet of cynical narrators. The prompt allows little else, really, as was pointed out in the chat. But hey, I love me some cynical narrator goodness, and this delivers. Biting, well-voiced; solid construction; an errant typo or two, but they mean nothing. I enjoyed.

>>Ratlab
Except that would probably give away the end.

>>The_Letter_J
I hadn't thought about it, but it makes sense when considering the title. Also, the medic says "because you matter", so I would assume that the narrator will play an important part in history that he knows about.

I think what happened with the bandaged is just that he just took care about the ones he knew wouldn't otherwise survive, and then, in the chaos of the situation, the real medics probably thought that one of them must have already tended to the bandaged ones.

What I can't stop asking myself is, what is this supposed to tell me? Especially with the ending. Whyever the protagonist is in Japan in the first place, there is no revelation in the last scene, or anything other than the information that the medic apparently got there as well. Why? What does that say? There is no apparent meaning or goal in this story.

>>Ratlab

The descriptions were also basically solid, but they were all visual or aural. You might want to consider working in scent or touch.

Silly Ratlab, skeletons probably don't have a sense of smell. ;P But I suppose that touch could work.

This was dense. We get dropped in the middle of a scene with a lot of moving parts, and I had a hard time getting my bearings.

Also, she's rubbing her arm where a ring used to be? Wouldn't that be a bracelet? Or was there a ring attached to a bracelet?

Lots of asides here. It added depth, but also complexity. There are lots of characters to keep track of, the four present (including 'I' of whom we know neither their gender, nor their relationship with Claire), plus at least two mentioned in flashbacks.

I did like the dialog, and the descriptions were good too, if occasionally exacting.

In the end, it was starting to come together, but this one would've benefited from more words to play with.

I did feel cheated, though. From the title, I was expecting zombies.

>>Trick_Question
And I thought, are all uplifted apes called Winston nowadays?

It's true, the Original Fiction category is for, and I quote from the schedule page, "Fiction not dependent on work under U.S. copyright." Sorry.

>>Baal Bunny
It's an upcoming and currently super hyped class-based tactic shooter/ arena shooter/ moba game hybrid by Blizzard. Not that the reader can be expected to know that.

The real question is, what are we supposed to do with it? Abstain? Not do anything? Vote as lowest?

>>Leo
I interpreted the "because you matter" part as more of a general "everyone matters" thing. Everyone's life is important, and he can save these people's lives, so he does. If he was there just to save the narrator, I would expect him to go to the narrator first, and then take care of those other less important important people who happen to be there afterwards.

It's possible that you're right about the bandages, except that still doesn't really explain the narrator, who was the first person loaded up and had clearly been helped already. Unless that was why they were first. But then I still think it's odd that no one realized that they'd been helped before the medics got there.

I agree with your last paragraph though. I interpreted it as trying to show that the medic appears after lots of disasters to help out, but it is very vague and open to speculation.

The resolution at the end did not really get me, and I think it was not prepared well enough. I know the format is short, but I still feel like there could have been hints, not to menation that, as Trick_Question already said, the reader still doesn't know what is going on at the end. I don't particularly get the feeling that the author knows, either. Other than that I don't have much to say about the story. The ominous man is characterized well through his dialogue, and the descriptions are solid, even though you could have mentioned what the character sees, like the ceiling that I understand she is staring at in the beginning.

>>The_Letter_J
Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

I think I have to disagree with a lot of what >>FrontSevens-senpai said. For me, the technobable is by far the best part of the story. I found it interesting, I understood it, and it taught me something new. And I thought that the quote at the beginning did a decent job of tieing the story into the prompt, though I did think it was a bit odd to put it in a quote box, since it's still just part of the narration.
And I think that the whole thing does tie together. (Front, the problem wasn't that the system was off slightly, it was that they thought the apartment was an ISIS building.)

However, the story is really hurt by Amir and the fact that I have absolutely no sympathy for Amir. Yeah, your family was accidentally killed. Yes, that sucks. A lot. But do you know what? Turning into a terrorist and murdering other innocent people is the wrong response. He is just perpetuating the cycle of death and destruction, and he has become far worse than the people he hates, because while his family was killed by accident, he is intentionally murdering innocents.
So screw you, Amir. I won't say you deserved what happened to you, because it shouldn't happen to anyone, but I also have no sympathy for you.

Sorry, author, but trying to justify the actions of terrorists and make people feel bad for ISIS is just not going to turn out well.
If you wanted to make this a likeable story, you could have had Amir become an advocate for peace, and this entire story could have been a talk he was giving to try to convince people that war is bad. In fact, you probably could have kept everything but the last sentence or two to make us think that Amir was a terrorist, only to then reveal that Amir was just giving a presentation and the detonator was a prop. (That's what I probably would have done, but I like twists.)

The writing here seemed pretty good to me, so I think you know what you're doing, author. I just think that you chose a bad story to tell.

>>Ratlab

from what I understand, Nazi persecution was on a racial, not religious basis

You're right. The NS regime actually didn't like the church because they were in their way at times, and they also identified to an extend with the old germanic paganism (the infamous SS runes for example are taken from the germanic rune alphabet). The reason why they deported and killed jews is that they believed them, among other ethnical groups, to be so-called "Untermenschen", meaning physically and morally inferior (the irony though). There was also the belief in a "jewish-bolshevik world conspiracy" with the plot to destroy germany and take over the world or something like that.

I agree that the ending lost its element of surprise by basically giving away that he has it coming.

There is not really a pay-off to it either. Might be that readers tend to like seeing nazis blowing up, which might justify it, but there's really no character conflict or progression or anything to put it into perspective. It's really just a story about he gets himself blown-up at a random time and place. I shall not be the judge of whether that is a good or bad plot ultimately, but it's nothing that appeals to me personally.

Okay, after talking about this story in the chat a bit, I think I've realized that my biggest problem with this story is that I just don't care much for tragedies. I especially don't care for this sort of tragedy, where the real tragedy isn't that Amir's family was killed, but that he made all the wrong decisions afterwards.
Stories like that tend to leave me feeling like "congratulations, you're life is ruined, and it is completely your fault." And I just can't muster up much sympathy for characters like that.

So maybe the biggest problem with this story is just that it was the wrong genre for me.

Oooh! A discussion on unexploded ordinance! How can I pass this up? ;>

>>Orbiting_kettle
Really, after a hundred years the fuse is really unlikely to show up late to work.. It's far more likely to have retired and then shuffled off it's mortal coil. ;>

I'm not an expert on WWI era weaponry, but I seem to recall the explosives using a lot of stuff like Picric Acid and TNT, which are.... relatively stable? The fuses usually use more volatile chemicals to initiate the main charge, and if they haven't gone boom after a century of rain, rust, freeze and thaw cycles, and Mother Nature generally jumping up and down on them going "Ha Ha!" then I'm guessing they're probably pretty safe.


On the other hand, I do recall an article about a civil war collector being killed when a shell he'd dug up went off. Mind you, it was apparently a naval shell, and thus covered in tar (to protect it from the salty seas), it was filled with black powder, which is not exactly the most insensitive explosive in existence.... And I believe he was polishing it with an angle grinder or some such at the time. O.o

So, the lesson is.. Hundred year old buried bombs are probably perfectly safe... Buuuuuuutt maybe you shouldn't try cutting them open with an angle grinder.

>>Leo
The general consensus would be to vote as one would for a crossover fic: pretend you know nothing about the fandom it's based upon, and vote how it holds up as a story by itself.

A story like that can (and has) won this competition. But in this case, you shouldn't be permitted to vote on the story at all if it is in fact DQ'd. Somepony should inform Roger so we can have a decision. If the DQ was unintentional, the story will stay up in the gallery but it will no longer appear on anypony's slates.

>>RogerDodger
Please see >>Trick_Question regarding whether the fic should be DQ'd.