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I had suspicions, but you played the tone quite seriously, and I spent the majority of the story in suspense about just which way the story would fall. Nice to have a comedy in the mix.
The descriptions were good, if a little melodromatic, but that's kind of inherent in the premise. I could ding it for agency or development, but that kind of seems silly. At under 500 words, I'd say it accomplished what it set out to do.
The descriptions were good, if a little melodromatic, but that's kind of inherent in the premise. I could ding it for agency or development, but that kind of seems silly. At under 500 words, I'd say it accomplished what it set out to do.
[This story was read during our fic-reading event in the Discord chat (a recording of which will probably be available soon). This review will be a combination of my own thoughts on the story and what other people in the chat were saying about it.]
We all agreed that it was very clear that you were building up to something here, though the opinions of the payoff were a bit varied. I thought that it was amusing, Not_A_Hat was hoping it would be a feghoot, and I think someone might have thought it was a bit disappointing. Perhaps it was a tad anticlimactic, but I think you did what you set out to do. On the whole, it certainly wasn't bad.
We all agreed that it was very clear that you were building up to something here, though the opinions of the payoff were a bit varied. I thought that it was amusing, Not_A_Hat was hoping it would be a feghoot, and I think someone might have thought it was a bit disappointing. Perhaps it was a tad anticlimactic, but I think you did what you set out to do. On the whole, it certainly wasn't bad.
This fic made me smile, and I fully agree with the base premise - LEGOs can be used as caltrops, don't let anybody tell you different. The only real criticism I have is that one of the best lines in your description:
is spent towards the beginning of the story. The story would flow a bit better if you built towards that line, crafting a narrative of escalating agony until he is trapped on an existential plane of pain and suffering. As it's written, though, this is still a neat little scene, and a relatable one at that. Well done, Writer.
My soul passed from the house that I worked so hard to build and moved to somewhere far away and out of reach.
is spent towards the beginning of the story. The story would flow a bit better if you built towards that line, crafting a narrative of escalating agony until he is trapped on an existential plane of pain and suffering. As it's written, though, this is still a neat little scene, and a relatable one at that. Well done, Writer.
Hmm. Not sure about this one.
I like the premise. It's ridiculous enough to be funny. However, I think it was overplayed, and I think it was too dodgy.
It's fine to be overdramatic about a little thing for comedic effect. It's fine to keep the reader in suspense. But for me, it was just annoying. Halfway through, I was thinking, "Just tell me already." So much of the narrative talked about the event that the narrator did, and I felt that the narrator was so dodgy about it, that I just couldn't keep my eyes from skipping down to the end of the page for the end. It's the difference between, "Oh, so that was it all along" vs. "Great, fine, I finally know what it is now."
I don't know why I got frustrated. It might've been the vagueness in the narration, and I don't just mean about the event--just the general vagueness of "My wife", "My son", no physical descriptions, etc. It might just be the story was too long for the punchline. It didn't help that "the bomb dropped" made me wonder if an actual bomb actually dropped, and that confused me for a bit before I realized it might be metaphorical.
I like stories in this vein, but this particular story didn't do it for me.
I like the premise. It's ridiculous enough to be funny. However, I think it was overplayed, and I think it was too dodgy.
It's fine to be overdramatic about a little thing for comedic effect. It's fine to keep the reader in suspense. But for me, it was just annoying. Halfway through, I was thinking, "Just tell me already." So much of the narrative talked about the event that the narrator did, and I felt that the narrator was so dodgy about it, that I just couldn't keep my eyes from skipping down to the end of the page for the end. It's the difference between, "Oh, so that was it all along" vs. "Great, fine, I finally know what it is now."
I don't know why I got frustrated. It might've been the vagueness in the narration, and I don't just mean about the event--just the general vagueness of "My wife", "My son", no physical descriptions, etc. It might just be the story was too long for the punchline. It didn't help that "the bomb dropped" made me wonder if an actual bomb actually dropped, and that confused me for a bit before I realized it might be metaphorical.
I like stories in this vein, but this particular story didn't do it for me.
I was convinced this was a fart from line one, and I'm not sure your version is any better. I'm not sure what it says about me, but a silliness payoff needs something more than irony for me to chuckle. It was expertly written, though.
>>Ratlab
>>The_Letter_J
>>Icenrose
>>FrontSevens
>>Trick_Question
I regret nothing.
Seriously. This story was a gas to write. Knowing immediately how I wanted to end this story, it made me bite my lip with every line. But, this is drastically cut down. I wanted to make sure there were red herrings in the early parts to make the reader feel like they didn't know what was going on. However, it seems that the build up lasted for too long, thus, the vagueness.
I gambled that there wouldn't be many comedy based entries, so I felt like this would have either been loved or hated. Based on the voting, it pretty much reflects that. Some people -loved- this. One person even marking this the top of their slate. While numerous others kept it at the bottom.
If I were to redo this, I can't say I'd write this premise at all. The Lego stepping joke itself is a bit dated by pop culture. This story won't have a lot of value 5-10 years down the line.
Thank you everyone for the compliments on the technicality of the piece.
Honestly, what place this story took didn't matter to me. As long as I made someone laugh, or broke up the reviewing process of the sad stories, I did exactly what I wanted to do.
>>The_Letter_J
>>Icenrose
>>FrontSevens
>>Trick_Question
I regret nothing.
Seriously. This story was a gas to write. Knowing immediately how I wanted to end this story, it made me bite my lip with every line. But, this is drastically cut down. I wanted to make sure there were red herrings in the early parts to make the reader feel like they didn't know what was going on. However, it seems that the build up lasted for too long, thus, the vagueness.
I gambled that there wouldn't be many comedy based entries, so I felt like this would have either been loved or hated. Based on the voting, it pretty much reflects that. Some people -loved- this. One person even marking this the top of their slate. While numerous others kept it at the bottom.
If I were to redo this, I can't say I'd write this premise at all. The Lego stepping joke itself is a bit dated by pop culture. This story won't have a lot of value 5-10 years down the line.
Thank you everyone for the compliments on the technicality of the piece.
Honestly, what place this story took didn't matter to me. As long as I made someone laugh, or broke up the reviewing process of the sad stories, I did exactly what I wanted to do.