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Fimfic Writer
Silver medal
Original Minific
2nd
98%
243
The Spoils of War
Ribbon
FiM Short Story
22nd
28%
78
Permission to Land
Original Minific
21st
66%
77
One Step Too Far
#3798 · 6
·
Okay. I can do this. We can do this. This write off... it's on.
#2676 · 4
· on One Step Too Far
>>Ratlab
>>The_Letter_J
>>Icenrose
>>FrontSevens
>>Trick_Question

I regret nothing.

Seriously. This story was a gas to write. Knowing immediately how I wanted to end this story, it made me bite my lip with every line. But, this is drastically cut down. I wanted to make sure there were red herrings in the early parts to make the reader feel like they didn't know what was going on. However, it seems that the build up lasted for too long, thus, the vagueness.

I gambled that there wouldn't be many comedy based entries, so I felt like this would have either been loved or hated. Based on the voting, it pretty much reflects that. Some people -loved- this. One person even marking this the top of their slate. While numerous others kept it at the bottom.

If I were to redo this, I can't say I'd write this premise at all. The Lego stepping joke itself is a bit dated by pop culture. This story won't have a lot of value 5-10 years down the line.

Thank you everyone for the compliments on the technicality of the piece.

Honestly, what place this story took didn't matter to me. As long as I made someone laugh, or broke up the reviewing process of the sad stories, I did exactly what I wanted to do.
#2674 · 3
· on The Spoils of War
>>Monokeras
>>horizon
>>Trick_Question
>>The_Letter_J
>>Not_A_Hat
>>Leo

Thank you everyone for your review.

This was certainly the story I put the most thought into. I prioritized flow and characterization first to ensure that the reader really connected to Chris in this story. Looking back, I probably shouldn't name him "Christopher Walker." I mean, Christopher Walken anyone?

Thanks to Trick for pointing out the technical mistakes in this piece. It's and Its is a constant struggle for me and I didn't send this one to an editor other than me prior to submitting.

In regards to the ending not working, I suppose I don't have anything to comment on. Yeah, Chris could have tried to beat David to the punch regarding the handshake.

I feel like questioning why he's going for a job like this is a bit of a counter-intuitive question. We have been told since children that we should "Follow our dreams" or "Do what we love." In this story, we see Chris go after the job he really wants to do, as any human would, Disability or No. Asking why he didn't give up on his dream is kinda a testament to the character I tried to show. He's trying to rise above his disability and do what he loves. Do we really want to ask people "Why didn't you give up on your dream after your disability?" Perhaps I'm interpreting the question incorrectly, and rather, I didn't properly show off this trait in the character. I was hoping to show this off in the persistence the character has in getting a job.

Through some volunteer work at a Veterans of Foreign Wars, I can attest that this is a real problem some veterans face, and some do give up on their carrier to end up becoming a janitor.etc. I wanted to show that struggle with this story.

Now then, for the social stigma on this disability? Honestly, it's a bit hit or miss. Not every employer would turn away an employee with a disability, because of EEO regulations. But that said, since he has to work with customers, they have to consider how comfortable the customer would be around the worker. We see a person who holds great conversation, is relatible, and seems trustworthy. But, physical appearance throws off the impression. A question I wanted the reader to have was "How would this be different if the handshake was first, rather than at the end?"

Anyway. I think I rambled on for a bit too long. Everyone had great points and it's given me more to think about for when I make the next set of entries for the Original Flash Fiction category. Thank you all so much.
#2117 · 1
·
I gotta say, I'm pretty excited to do this. Can't wait to see what prompt wins. I'm pretty proud of the one I submitted. I can tell this will be some tough competition.
#2167 ·
· on Once Upon a Time
I'm torn about this. I like that the implication is that the whole story is a retelling, through several different timelines/perspectives/viewpoints of what's actually happening. And I really like that it focuses on the two brothers. It focuses on them working together on the course of their lifetimes, and now that Billy's hit, James tells the story. In some ways it makes the story cyclical, and encourages re-reads. That's good.

However, I feel like it wasn't effective as it could have been. I liked the call backs to the other symbolism used in the story, but in some places it just felt like a chore to read through. I wasn't really invested in the story. Perhaps it's a sign that it just wasn't for me, but I couldn't get into it.

Certainly not bad. It's well written. Very well written. It just felt on the dry side.
#2169 ·
· on In Defense of Death
There's a lot of telling here. But that said, the way you told it was humorous.

While I read this, I felt like I was watching a puppet show, two puppets interacting with each other while a narrator told the story. I like the narration style here. I can tell there was some serious thought put into this.

But, there is a serious problem with telling rather than showing here. In fact, you told me the whole story. There was nothing for me to imagine.

I'm also kinda torn on what we are meant to leave the story with. What's the moral? Is there one? Forgive people eventually? Don't fear death?

An enjoyable story, but I'm not sure what else I can say about it.
#4733 ·
· · >>billymorph
Maybe. Maybe? Maybe!