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Time Heals Most Wounds · Original Minific ·
Organised by RogerDodger
Word limit 400–750
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The Spoils of War
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#1 · 1
· · >>Flutterpriest
Except for “it’s” instead of “its”, the English is perfect. Characterisation is strong throughout, the characters have as much depth as such a format allows. The story is simple, yet efficient, and the end is… well, divisive.
On the one hand, we feel disgusted by Dave Wand's reaction. On the other hand, if everyone reacts like him… then the future of the guy as a peddler is doomed…

Good job anyway, right stop my slate right now.
#2 ·
· · >>Flutterpriest
Inconveniently, I don't have a lot of knowledge about this subject. I have to wonder whether this is really a struggle that veterans (or people in general) go through.

What I can say is that the story works on the technical side. The reader can see how a respectful relationship develops, up to the turning point. The characterizations are also well-done, and I'm particularly impressed by the character voices.
#3 · 3
· · >>horizon >>Flutterpriest
Man, I dunno...

I definitely felt some empathy for your character here.

However... and I hesitate to comment on this, because I don't really know how all this works, but I'd like to put down my feelings... is there really that strong a stigma against people who are wounded like that? As far as people with prosthetics go, I can only work from my own feelings, which would mostly be pity, and perhaps a bit of nervousness in how to relate to them. And even that I'm a bit uneasy with; I think a lot of people don't need or even want my pity, but that's... hard to judge. I dunno. I'd definitely have some respect for a guy who went through something like that and made it out alive. Are Dave or the other interviewers really stupid enough to not see that if this guy can charm them, and make it through the entire interview without drawing attention to the prosthetic, that it's probably not going to cause issues anyway?

More than that, if Chris realizes this is going to be a problem - and I feel like he should, from his suggested experience with the matter - does he really just shake the man's hand like that? Beat him to the punch and offer your left. Give him a salute and just leave. Show him earlier, so it doesn't drop at the end like that, and reverse everything. Sure, it would be an uphill battle, but that's better than if the guy thinks you're trying to deceive him.

Anyways, I liked this for what it was, but I couldn't help but feel that something's off about that ending. And that might be my personal misunderstanding, but... it's what I've got to go on.

Oh... and I've been told there's no such thing as a 'former marine'. :P
#4 · 1
· · >>Flutterpriest
I think this one is really good. I think you made me feel for your character more than any other story in this writeoff has so far.
There were a few things in the story that did seem a little odd to me—like Chris being seemingly very overqualified—but the ending did explain everything.

Now other commenters have been questioning the realism of this story. I don't have any real experience with this sort of thing either, but it does seem pretty believable to me. Based on things I've heard and those disability forms I kept on having to fill out when I was applying for jobs, I'm pretty sure that it is illegal for Dave to deny Chris the job just because of his disability. But I'm also pretty sure that there's nothing Chris could really do about it, because I'm sure that Dave could come up with some other justification for not hiring him, if he really had to.
#5 · 1
· · >>Flutterpriest
I think you went a little too far selling the connection between the man and his prospective employer, because I didn't quite buy the ending. Not from somepony with a Marine in the family, and especially not for a job working remotely rather than on-site.

EDIT: In retrospect I can guess that the guy wouldn't hire him because the people he talks to would be put off which actually makes perfect sense. But then if he's had this string of failures and everypony he works with treats him crappy because of his disability, then why would he be so gung-ho on a job like this that has the same problem as his interviews?

Christopher Walker is the tiniest jot away from becoming Christopher Walken, which threw me. Especially since that was in the middle of the story, which is where Christopher Walken would show up, and this is a character, so he'd play it.

It's horn-rimmed, it's spelled cubicle, and it should be "its cold touch".
#6 ·
· · >>Flutterpriest
The core of this one just didn't work for me, and I can't explain why any better than pointing to >>Not_A_Hat. Up until the ending, though, the banter was nice and the reading was smooth. That puts this in about the same boat for me as Six Candles and it'll probably end up in the same medium-low slate position.

Tier: Almost There
#7 · 3
·
>>Monokeras
>>horizon
>>Trick_Question
>>The_Letter_J
>>Not_A_Hat
>>Leo

Thank you everyone for your review.

This was certainly the story I put the most thought into. I prioritized flow and characterization first to ensure that the reader really connected to Chris in this story. Looking back, I probably shouldn't name him "Christopher Walker." I mean, Christopher Walken anyone?

Thanks to Trick for pointing out the technical mistakes in this piece. It's and Its is a constant struggle for me and I didn't send this one to an editor other than me prior to submitting.

In regards to the ending not working, I suppose I don't have anything to comment on. Yeah, Chris could have tried to beat David to the punch regarding the handshake.

I feel like questioning why he's going for a job like this is a bit of a counter-intuitive question. We have been told since children that we should "Follow our dreams" or "Do what we love." In this story, we see Chris go after the job he really wants to do, as any human would, Disability or No. Asking why he didn't give up on his dream is kinda a testament to the character I tried to show. He's trying to rise above his disability and do what he loves. Do we really want to ask people "Why didn't you give up on your dream after your disability?" Perhaps I'm interpreting the question incorrectly, and rather, I didn't properly show off this trait in the character. I was hoping to show this off in the persistence the character has in getting a job.

Through some volunteer work at a Veterans of Foreign Wars, I can attest that this is a real problem some veterans face, and some do give up on their carrier to end up becoming a janitor.etc. I wanted to show that struggle with this story.

Now then, for the social stigma on this disability? Honestly, it's a bit hit or miss. Not every employer would turn away an employee with a disability, because of EEO regulations. But that said, since he has to work with customers, they have to consider how comfortable the customer would be around the worker. We see a person who holds great conversation, is relatible, and seems trustworthy. But, physical appearance throws off the impression. A question I wanted the reader to have was "How would this be different if the handshake was first, rather than at the end?"

Anyway. I think I rambled on for a bit too long. Everyone had great points and it's given me more to think about for when I make the next set of entries for the Original Flash Fiction category. Thank you all so much.