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A Beautiful Morning
Naoki rolled the blinds up and opened the window of his bedroom. A waft of crisp air rushed in from outside, bearing with it the scent of dew spiked with freshly blossoming flowers. He inhaled deeply and grinned. It was so wonderful to live on the edge of a park: when you woke up – at least in summer – the first things you saw were trees, green leaves and grass. The days always began with the wistful songs, or the merry chirping, of the birds. That was sweet, and it seemed to him that there would never be enough sweetness in this world.
He turned around, picked up his cane, which had fallen onto the floor, and, leaning on it, limped to the kitchen, wincing. His wound was slow to heal. The shrapnel that had butchered his right leg had broken the bones in several places and lacerated the flesh. It was a miracle that the surgeon had been able to mend and stitch all the shreds together, and that no bacteria had chosen to feast on his bruised tissues. His two other companions had not had the same fortune: the first one’s skull had been crushed, and he had died on the spot; the other one had had one arm severed and his belly ripped open. He had lived his last minutes twitching in agonising pain before the eyes of his powerless comrades.
Naoki yelped and almost dropped his bowl of steamed rice. It was hotter than he had thought. He grabbed a dishcloth in which he wrapped the bowl, a masterpiece made of delicate china. Could it be a piece of booty? He didn’t know, but it was precious to him. He delicately carried it to his table, hopping all the way – he could not hold it with both his hands and use his cane. He put it amid the dishes he had already prepared for his breakfast, miso soup and tamagoyaki, sat and considered his chopsticks.
The silence was almost total, but in his head the din always raged, even in the stillest hours of the night: explosions, screams, orders brayed, the crackle of the machine-guns, the panting of the solders under the sweltering heat. It was ingrained in him now, and no scalpel would ever be able to excise that.
Naoki closed the front door and walked along the street to the entrance of the park. The weather was perfect, the sky blue and cloudless.
The war was lost, of course. The Emperor would never admit it, but it was inevitable now. His thoughts soared over uncountable miles to the remote archipelagos of the Pacific where the Japanese soldiers, his brothers in arms, were holding an ultime barrage against the American juggernaut. A whole generation sacrificed on the altar of madness in the name of a lost cause. Japan, the invincible country. How could it not be? We were the ruler race. But mercifully the mother soil had remained unspoiled. In the midst of hate and death, there was still a home, a place where to seek peace of mind, away from the carnage.
Naoki meandered along the paths to his preferred spot: a glade where boulders and mossy rocks had been stacked up into a miniature mountain. Slinking through the cracks, a perky cascade sang. At the foot of the lowest stone, the water traipsed into a pool where three or four red carps wallowed, oblivious to their surroundings. Around the pool, benches had been installed, tucked away from the wrath of the sun by the leaves of the paulownias. It was Naoki’s private little paradise, where he often mused for hours, gazing at the fish, listening to the babbling of the cascade, the buzzing of insects, or, sometimes, bantering with a passer-by.
But that morning, Naoki had a task to complete: write to his sister. He rummaged in his bag and pulled out an inkwell, a quill and a postcard. Dunking the tip of the quill into the inkwell, he wrote:
Beloved sister,
He stopped. His ears had registered an unusual sound, like the bumbling of a hornet. He looked around, then lifted his head and made out, high above, a plane.
Turning back to his postcard, he realised that he had forgotten to write the date. So, he hastily scribbled at the top of the card:
Hiroshima, August 6th, 1945
He turned around, picked up his cane, which had fallen onto the floor, and, leaning on it, limped to the kitchen, wincing. His wound was slow to heal. The shrapnel that had butchered his right leg had broken the bones in several places and lacerated the flesh. It was a miracle that the surgeon had been able to mend and stitch all the shreds together, and that no bacteria had chosen to feast on his bruised tissues. His two other companions had not had the same fortune: the first one’s skull had been crushed, and he had died on the spot; the other one had had one arm severed and his belly ripped open. He had lived his last minutes twitching in agonising pain before the eyes of his powerless comrades.
Naoki yelped and almost dropped his bowl of steamed rice. It was hotter than he had thought. He grabbed a dishcloth in which he wrapped the bowl, a masterpiece made of delicate china. Could it be a piece of booty? He didn’t know, but it was precious to him. He delicately carried it to his table, hopping all the way – he could not hold it with both his hands and use his cane. He put it amid the dishes he had already prepared for his breakfast, miso soup and tamagoyaki, sat and considered his chopsticks.
The silence was almost total, but in his head the din always raged, even in the stillest hours of the night: explosions, screams, orders brayed, the crackle of the machine-guns, the panting of the solders under the sweltering heat. It was ingrained in him now, and no scalpel would ever be able to excise that.
Naoki closed the front door and walked along the street to the entrance of the park. The weather was perfect, the sky blue and cloudless.
The war was lost, of course. The Emperor would never admit it, but it was inevitable now. His thoughts soared over uncountable miles to the remote archipelagos of the Pacific where the Japanese soldiers, his brothers in arms, were holding an ultime barrage against the American juggernaut. A whole generation sacrificed on the altar of madness in the name of a lost cause. Japan, the invincible country. How could it not be? We were the ruler race. But mercifully the mother soil had remained unspoiled. In the midst of hate and death, there was still a home, a place where to seek peace of mind, away from the carnage.
Naoki meandered along the paths to his preferred spot: a glade where boulders and mossy rocks had been stacked up into a miniature mountain. Slinking through the cracks, a perky cascade sang. At the foot of the lowest stone, the water traipsed into a pool where three or four red carps wallowed, oblivious to their surroundings. Around the pool, benches had been installed, tucked away from the wrath of the sun by the leaves of the paulownias. It was Naoki’s private little paradise, where he often mused for hours, gazing at the fish, listening to the babbling of the cascade, the buzzing of insects, or, sometimes, bantering with a passer-by.
But that morning, Naoki had a task to complete: write to his sister. He rummaged in his bag and pulled out an inkwell, a quill and a postcard. Dunking the tip of the quill into the inkwell, he wrote:
Beloved sister,
He stopped. His ears had registered an unusual sound, like the bumbling of a hornet. He looked around, then lifted his head and made out, high above, a plane.
Turning back to his postcard, he realised that he had forgotten to write the date. So, he hastily scribbled at the top of the card:
Hiroshima, August 6th, 1945
Hiroshima, August 6th, 1945
Welp, I don't know much about history, but I know enough to know how this ends :|
Overall it was okay. I mean, yes, it's sort of a clever twist at the end, but I didn't feel invested enough to care about Naoki.
I think that part of it is the telliness--stopping the story to tell me about the details of Naoki's wounding experience, and his PTSD-like dreams, and the war against America. It might also be how not-unique Naoki feels to me. Naoki really only has a few personality traits, most of which have to do with being a war vet, but others like enjoying the outdoors are sort of generic.
I'm not going to say "dialogue would've engaged me", because I can't say it's exclusive to making me feel more intimately for a character, but it might've helped me, I don't know. I think maybe more personality in the narrative would've helped, since you're already going for 3rd person limited, and at that, personality that doesn't feel generic.
Again, this one was just one I couldn't get into.
[This story was read during our fic-reading event in the Discord chat (a recording of which will probably be available soon). This review will be a combination of my own thoughts on the story and what other people in the chat were saying about it.]
I thought that the "twist" at the end was incredibly obvious. The part before the break was enough for me to at least consider it, and the second paragraph after the break made me absolutely certain I was right. But some people didn't catch it, so maybe I'm just too used to stories about this.
For the most part, I think this story is rather good. It's biggest problem, in my opinion, is that these stories are pretty much always trying to take a position and tell us a message (and it's almost always "the atom bombs were terrible"), but this one doesn't really do that. Or at least, it's message isn't very strong. Normally, I might say that was a good thing, but in this case, it leaves the story feeling a bit empty to me.
I thought that the "twist" at the end was incredibly obvious. The part before the break was enough for me to at least consider it, and the second paragraph after the break made me absolutely certain I was right. But some people didn't catch it, so maybe I'm just too used to stories about this.
For the most part, I think this story is rather good. It's biggest problem, in my opinion, is that these stories are pretty much always trying to take a position and tell us a message (and it's almost always "the atom bombs were terrible"), but this one doesn't really do that. Or at least, it's message isn't very strong. Normally, I might say that was a good thing, but in this case, it leaves the story feeling a bit empty to me.
Let's get started with the reviews. Usual disclaimer, I may or may not know what I'm talking about, take my reviews with a grain of salt.
I liked this story, I liked it a lot even if I see a couple of problems here and there.
Let me begin with a couple of generic observations: I don't think that the author intended to have a twist in the story. For those a bit more knowledgeable in history the foreboding is enough to at least suspect time and place, for the others the line at the end gives the missing information explicitly. This is also not a story that tries to tell "The atom bombs were horrible", that is a given and not even discussed (and I will not discuss if those were necessary or not, that is a complex issue that has no place here). What this story wants to communicate (or at least what come through to me) was the far more important "Remember, those people were humans too". Sometimes we forget this. It's not that we are evil or malicious, it's that it's difficult to do it. And this, and other stories like this, try to correct this. I think that this message came through. We are not supposed to care too much for Naoki specifically. There is not enough room in 750 words to build a true connection to someone who grew up and lived in a society that is so alien to our current sensibilities, at least if you haven't already an idea about the cultural framework. We are only asked to recognize his humanity, and at least for me that worked.
Now on the things that could be improved.
The part about the fallen companions and friends sounded unnatural. Adding some kind of trigger that explains why he thinks about them would probably improve the flow. My own knowledge about Shintoism or Buddhism is quite lacking, but maybe letting it flow from a prayer for the fallen or by having him look at a small shrine could make it look a bit less on the nose. Same for the wound. Hint at the wound, then let the thoughts about the surgeon come from some other thread. Difficult considering the space limitation, I know, but worth a try.
As for the rest, beautiful story. The small gestures when he prepares for breakfast helped a lot in defining the tone and the setting.
I liked this story, I liked it a lot even if I see a couple of problems here and there.
Let me begin with a couple of generic observations: I don't think that the author intended to have a twist in the story. For those a bit more knowledgeable in history the foreboding is enough to at least suspect time and place, for the others the line at the end gives the missing information explicitly. This is also not a story that tries to tell "The atom bombs were horrible", that is a given and not even discussed (and I will not discuss if those were necessary or not, that is a complex issue that has no place here). What this story wants to communicate (or at least what come through to me) was the far more important "Remember, those people were humans too". Sometimes we forget this. It's not that we are evil or malicious, it's that it's difficult to do it. And this, and other stories like this, try to correct this. I think that this message came through. We are not supposed to care too much for Naoki specifically. There is not enough room in 750 words to build a true connection to someone who grew up and lived in a society that is so alien to our current sensibilities, at least if you haven't already an idea about the cultural framework. We are only asked to recognize his humanity, and at least for me that worked.
Now on the things that could be improved.
The part about the fallen companions and friends sounded unnatural. Adding some kind of trigger that explains why he thinks about them would probably improve the flow. My own knowledge about Shintoism or Buddhism is quite lacking, but maybe letting it flow from a prayer for the fallen or by having him look at a small shrine could make it look a bit less on the nose. Same for the wound. Hint at the wound, then let the thoughts about the surgeon come from some other thread. Difficult considering the space limitation, I know, but worth a try.
As for the rest, beautiful story. The small gestures when he prepares for breakfast helped a lot in defining the tone and the setting.
A Beautiful Morning - A — For, starters, fewer, commas, please. Other than that, fairly high quality, with a few things I feel like poking. In the second section, there is a little more passive voice than expected, his cane seems to have vanished, and wouldn’t he be writing with a brush, not a quill? Also top tier.
>>FrontSevens
>>The_Letter_J
>>Orbiting_kettle
>>georg
There's little to explain here. So just a big thanks to everyone who commented, thanks to O.K. and Georg for liking it, and see you in two weeks! :P
>>The_Letter_J
>>Orbiting_kettle
>>georg
There's little to explain here. So just a big thanks to everyone who commented, thanks to O.K. and Georg for liking it, and see you in two weeks! :P