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Swan and Albatross
Long ago, Albatross flew over the land, for land was beautiful and the ocean so empty. In his youthful wanderings, Albatross saw many wonderful things: great mountains, herds of buffalo, a deep scar in the desert. He marveled at these things and thought deep thoughts about them.
One day, over a conifer forest, he saw below him a dot of snow-white on a lake. Curious, he spiraled down to see what this thing could be. Swimming there was a lady, who looked up at his shadow.
"Hello," Albatross said. "I have flown far over this land, and never have I seen someone as beautiful or majestic as you. Might I have your name?"
She smiled bashfully. "You are too kind, good sir! If I be beautiful, then you must be handsome. My name is Swan. And what might your name be?"
"Albatross, if it pleases you."
"A fine name. Albatross," she said, tasting the sound. She laughed. "You say you have seen this land. Have you passed over this place before?"
"Yes, indeed," Albatross said, puffing out his chest a little. "Three times, at least. But never before have I seen the likeness of you."
Swan nodded. "This is the first time I have been here. My family showed me the way, is how I know of it. Did your family show you the world?"
"They did not. I have always wandered alone."
"How horrible!" Swan said. "I have seen much the length of this land, if not its breadth, and know that it is indeed a grand place. To have compassed it all with none but yourself seems a terribly lonesome ordeal."
Albatross gave a wan smile. "My thoughts have kept me company, but it is often very lonely. I don't suppose you and I might travel together awhile?"
Swan gasped. "Oh, that sounds wonderful! You can tell me of all the wide world. I cannot stray, you must understand—I am bound northward soon, but how I yearn to hear!"
"I may only linger shortly, then," Albatross said, his wings shivering a little, "for much farther north and I shall freeze. Not even my love for you can keep out the cold. But I will tell you what I might before we part ways."
Swan nodded somberly. "I would like that, my love."
Swan and Albatross traveled together for some time, talking and listening to one another and growing ever fonder of each other. Then, when the bite of cold was too much for Albatross, they parted ways.
"I will see you again," Swan said. "Meet we here again with the changing of the season. I promise you, my wanderer, my Albatross, I will see you again."
"I will wait for you here," Albatross said, "at the changing of the season. I will have new stories to tell to you as we fly together again. I promise you, my Swan, I will see you again."
Albatross flew far and wide, memorizing the landscapes that Swan would never see. Over shivering mountain peaks and to the end of the coast he flew, and back again to wait.
He met not one, but two.
"Husband," Swan said, "this is Albatross, who I told you so much about. He has come as he said he would! I knew he would!" She flew to Albatross. "My wanderer, tell me of the world so wide. I wish to hear it all."
Albatross stared, dumbfounded, between his Swan and her Husband. "I do not understand," Albatross said. "We said we would wait for each other."
Swan pulled away, pained. "We did. But had we ever pledged why for?"
Albatross watched her for a long while before turning in silence to fly far, far away.
Thus, to this day, Albatross soars over the vast, empty blue of the ocean, alone with his thoughts. And Swan tied her tongue, never to speak again.
One day, over a conifer forest, he saw below him a dot of snow-white on a lake. Curious, he spiraled down to see what this thing could be. Swimming there was a lady, who looked up at his shadow.
"Hello," Albatross said. "I have flown far over this land, and never have I seen someone as beautiful or majestic as you. Might I have your name?"
She smiled bashfully. "You are too kind, good sir! If I be beautiful, then you must be handsome. My name is Swan. And what might your name be?"
"Albatross, if it pleases you."
"A fine name. Albatross," she said, tasting the sound. She laughed. "You say you have seen this land. Have you passed over this place before?"
"Yes, indeed," Albatross said, puffing out his chest a little. "Three times, at least. But never before have I seen the likeness of you."
Swan nodded. "This is the first time I have been here. My family showed me the way, is how I know of it. Did your family show you the world?"
"They did not. I have always wandered alone."
"How horrible!" Swan said. "I have seen much the length of this land, if not its breadth, and know that it is indeed a grand place. To have compassed it all with none but yourself seems a terribly lonesome ordeal."
Albatross gave a wan smile. "My thoughts have kept me company, but it is often very lonely. I don't suppose you and I might travel together awhile?"
Swan gasped. "Oh, that sounds wonderful! You can tell me of all the wide world. I cannot stray, you must understand—I am bound northward soon, but how I yearn to hear!"
"I may only linger shortly, then," Albatross said, his wings shivering a little, "for much farther north and I shall freeze. Not even my love for you can keep out the cold. But I will tell you what I might before we part ways."
Swan nodded somberly. "I would like that, my love."
Swan and Albatross traveled together for some time, talking and listening to one another and growing ever fonder of each other. Then, when the bite of cold was too much for Albatross, they parted ways.
"I will see you again," Swan said. "Meet we here again with the changing of the season. I promise you, my wanderer, my Albatross, I will see you again."
"I will wait for you here," Albatross said, "at the changing of the season. I will have new stories to tell to you as we fly together again. I promise you, my Swan, I will see you again."
Albatross flew far and wide, memorizing the landscapes that Swan would never see. Over shivering mountain peaks and to the end of the coast he flew, and back again to wait.
He met not one, but two.
"Husband," Swan said, "this is Albatross, who I told you so much about. He has come as he said he would! I knew he would!" She flew to Albatross. "My wanderer, tell me of the world so wide. I wish to hear it all."
Albatross stared, dumbfounded, between his Swan and her Husband. "I do not understand," Albatross said. "We said we would wait for each other."
Swan pulled away, pained. "We did. But had we ever pledged why for?"
Albatross watched her for a long while before turning in silence to fly far, far away.
Thus, to this day, Albatross soars over the vast, empty blue of the ocean, alone with his thoughts. And Swan tied her tongue, never to speak again.
The sudden professing of love for one another is not believable as written. You need to better-establish the feelings of the birds toward each other, as this is the crux of the story. You can write love at first sight, but you need to sell it to the reader better than this: this came off as "hello there, oops now I suddenly am in love with you".
I'm not convinced at the end that Swan feels guilty enough for her final reaction. More birdwords would help establish her state of mind for the reader. I'm not familiar with swans having been supposed to be silent in legend, though a quick online search turned up that there's a species called "mute swan" which is relatively quiet.
I'm not convinced at the end that Swan feels guilty enough for her final reaction. More birdwords would help establish her state of mind for the reader. I'm not familiar with swans having been supposed to be silent in legend, though a quick online search turned up that there's a species called "mute swan" which is relatively quiet.
[This story was read during our fic-reading event in the Discord chat (a recording of which will probably be available soon). This review will be a combination of my own thoughts on the story and what other people in the chat were saying about it.]
This is probably my favorite story so far. Unfortunately, it's not actually on my slate.
I am a fan of the Brothers Grimm, and this story seems like something that could have come straight out of one of their collections. Well, maybe it would fit in with Brothers Grimm stories if it had ended with Albatross killing Swan's husband before leaving, but I don't think that that's a necessary change.
The others in the chat thought that the relationship between Swan and Albatross needed more time to develop, but I disagree.
Basically, this story might not meet modern storytelling conventions, but if you were trying to emulate old fashioned fairy tales/fables, then I think you did so perfectly. And if you weren't, then you somehow managed to stumble into one anyway.
This is probably my favorite story so far. Unfortunately, it's not actually on my slate.
I am a fan of the Brothers Grimm, and this story seems like something that could have come straight out of one of their collections. Well, maybe it would fit in with Brothers Grimm stories if it had ended with Albatross killing Swan's husband before leaving, but I don't think that that's a necessary change.
The others in the chat thought that the relationship between Swan and Albatross needed more time to develop, but I disagree.
Basically, this story might not meet modern storytelling conventions, but if you were trying to emulate old fashioned fairy tales/fables, then I think you did so perfectly. And if you weren't, then you somehow managed to stumble into one anyway.
Good style; nicely evocative. I'll echo >>The_Letter_J in the fairy tale feel. Pacing was good, and I liked the character voicing. As for what they say, however, I'm joining >>Trick_Question in camp 'romance was too fast.'
Not only did Albatross drop the l-bomb very quickly, but having Swan verbally reciprocate it and then go find someone else seems inconsistent. Are they playing by different social conventions? If so, we are given no indication of this. Had Albatross merely nurtured his own feelings and exchanged less direct signs of affection, then the crossed signals would have been understandable.
As is, the story was prettily written, and I liked how it explained how Albatross no longer flies over land, but the interpersonal logic didn't quite work for me.
Not only did Albatross drop the l-bomb very quickly, but having Swan verbally reciprocate it and then go find someone else seems inconsistent. Are they playing by different social conventions? If so, we are given no indication of this. Had Albatross merely nurtured his own feelings and exchanged less direct signs of affection, then the crossed signals would have been understandable.
As is, the story was prettily written, and I liked how it explained how Albatross no longer flies over land, but the interpersonal logic didn't quite work for me.
>>Ratlab
Your post has reminded me that I explained why I think the relationship didn't move too fast in the chat, but I didn't say much about it in my review. So let me fix that now.
Basically, you hit the nail on the head, but didn't realize it.
Yes, they are, and yes, we are.
They are playing by the social conventions of fairy tales (which may or may not have any correlation with the social conventions of the times when they were written; I really have no idea either way), and the fact that this story is written like a fairy tale should be enough to clue us into that. And in fairy tales, love at first sight is so common as to practically be the norm, and it's certainly perfectly normal for characters to profess their love almost immediately and to call each other things like "my love" before they even know their names. What looks like a declaration of love to us is often just standard flirting by fairy tale standards.
And while I can't think of any examples off the top of my head, I am fairly sure that the whole "We were in love, but then we were apart for so long and I fell in love with and married someone else" thing is something that has happened in fairy tales before. And even if it isn't, it really feels like it could be to me.
Your post has reminded me that I explained why I think the relationship didn't move too fast in the chat, but I didn't say much about it in my review. So let me fix that now.
Basically, you hit the nail on the head, but didn't realize it.
Are they playing by different social conventions? If so, we are given no indication of this.
Yes, they are, and yes, we are.
They are playing by the social conventions of fairy tales (which may or may not have any correlation with the social conventions of the times when they were written; I really have no idea either way), and the fact that this story is written like a fairy tale should be enough to clue us into that. And in fairy tales, love at first sight is so common as to practically be the norm, and it's certainly perfectly normal for characters to profess their love almost immediately and to call each other things like "my love" before they even know their names. What looks like a declaration of love to us is often just standard flirting by fairy tale standards.
And while I can't think of any examples off the top of my head, I am fairly sure that the whole "We were in love, but then we were apart for so long and I fell in love with and married someone else" thing is something that has happened in fairy tales before. And even if it isn't, it really feels like it could be to me.
(Not a review—just a quick point of discussion)
I think >>The_Letter_J has a very good counter to both >>Trick_Question and >>Ratlab's criticisms of bringing the relationship on too fast, and I think that is what the author intended... but I'm not convinced it worked. Funnily enough, I don't think it's because it happens too soon (though I'd have appreciated a line or two more dialogue first) but rather because I think it's introduced indirectly.
The first time it is introduced, the word "love" certainly isn't unexpected (as J points out, it's a fairy-tale style story—though I would argue more akin to Aesop than to the brothers Grimm). But it's introduced using the phrase "Not even my love for you...", which is the kind of wording that fits the theme but to the detriment of focus because it puts the focus less on the love and more on the magnitude thereof (and, more importantly, how insurmountable the coming obstacle is). For that reason, it seems like the kind of sentence you'd use after you'd already introduced the love theme. Also I'm not convinced that was even a complete sentence, which might explain why it felt so weak.
Anyway, yeah. Those are my thoughts on the matter. Overall, quite enjoyable, though for an Aesop-esque tale I'm left floundering a little at the end, trying to find a nice, neat moral to tie it all together.
I think >>The_Letter_J has a very good counter to both >>Trick_Question and >>Ratlab's criticisms of bringing the relationship on too fast, and I think that is what the author intended... but I'm not convinced it worked. Funnily enough, I don't think it's because it happens too soon (though I'd have appreciated a line or two more dialogue first) but rather because I think it's introduced indirectly.
The first time it is introduced, the word "love" certainly isn't unexpected (as J points out, it's a fairy-tale style story—though I would argue more akin to Aesop than to the brothers Grimm). But it's introduced using the phrase "Not even my love for you...", which is the kind of wording that fits the theme but to the detriment of focus because it puts the focus less on the love and more on the magnitude thereof (and, more importantly, how insurmountable the coming obstacle is). For that reason, it seems like the kind of sentence you'd use after you'd already introduced the love theme. Also I'm not convinced that was even a complete sentence, which might explain why it felt so weak.
Anyway, yeah. Those are my thoughts on the matter. Overall, quite enjoyable, though for an Aesop-esque tale I'm left floundering a little at the end, trying to find a nice, neat moral to tie it all together.
Sorry, everyone. Minifics are just killing my desire to review, so I'm probably going to stay silent and limp through my slate silently this round. I will, however, review this because it's the only finalist with less than five reviews (there's four people speaking up above, and Quill didn't review it, so it only has three actual reviews).
Starting off with a fairytale format and I can already tell this is aiming high; that's one of the few formats that has regularly proven strong in a minific format, because it works really well with the word limit. The fairytale genre primes us not to need the deep characterization we don't have the space for, and to accept a certain telliness in the narration which is very economical word-wise. That telliness only gets you so far, though, because "He marveled at these things and thought deep thoughts about them" is a lackluster start. At least tell us specific, intriguing details, not bland generalities.
My take on the above discussion of Twu Birb Wuv (tm) is more on >>QuillScratch's side: love at first sight is very fairy-tale-tropey, and you're clearly setting up a fairy tale here, so that should pass on its own merits. The fact that it's established indirectly is a problem, though, and I think the solution in a piece this short is actually to double down on the fairy-tale tropes: just spend a sentence or two nakedly lampshading that they fell in love at first sight, and move on to your plot.
You do do this, halfway:
But I suspect it would have been more effective if you'd made love an explicit element of your narration rather than beating around the bush with all their flirting. I know the love is central to your story here, but it's also essentially a background element: they have to be deeply in love for your story to work, so you want to just bake that into your setting and move on to the actual conflict.
There, too, this feels like this goes into the weeds: once the two of them start flirting, all that small talk goes into building up the relationship which you could have established with a single-sentence "Their eyes met and they fell in love." And normally that's great! It makes logical sense to focus your story on its central plot element (the romance and the betrayal). But here, you're trying to cram so much plot into the wordcount that other central elements like the fact she's heaidng north for the winter and he can't go with her get crammed in as afterthoughts to the scene. Your characters are sucking the oxygen out of your conflict.
This soft of word-count spending probably contributed to the suddenness of the swan's husband's appearance at the end, too. I really felt like that needed some more foreshadowing, even if it was just some thematic "I will love you forever!" irony; as written, everything's fine for the two birds until suddenly it's not, and that didn't feel satisfying as a twist. Don't get me wrong, I see what you were going for, and you aren't too wide of that mark, but the pacing and focus here are working against you.
If you edit this one, author, I would do something unusual: try keeping it at exactly the same length. It would be easy enough to expand this to add in the context that the word limit forced you to abbreviate, but I think you'll learn more if you try cutting in different places to make this work. By leaning on the assumed tropes of fairy tales and bringing your conflict to the foreground, this could very easily work as a minific, and what you learn will help you hone your future Writeoff entries all the more.
Tier: Almost There
Starting off with a fairytale format and I can already tell this is aiming high; that's one of the few formats that has regularly proven strong in a minific format, because it works really well with the word limit. The fairytale genre primes us not to need the deep characterization we don't have the space for, and to accept a certain telliness in the narration which is very economical word-wise. That telliness only gets you so far, though, because "He marveled at these things and thought deep thoughts about them" is a lackluster start. At least tell us specific, intriguing details, not bland generalities.
My take on the above discussion of Twu Birb Wuv (tm) is more on >>QuillScratch's side: love at first sight is very fairy-tale-tropey, and you're clearly setting up a fairy tale here, so that should pass on its own merits. The fact that it's established indirectly is a problem, though, and I think the solution in a piece this short is actually to double down on the fairy-tale tropes: just spend a sentence or two nakedly lampshading that they fell in love at first sight, and move on to your plot.
You do do this, halfway:
"Hello," Albatross said. "I have flown far over this land, and never have I seen someone as beautiful or majestic as you. Might I have your name?"
She smiled bashfully. "You are too kind, good sir! If I be beautiful, then you must be handsome. My name is Swan. And what might your name be?"
But I suspect it would have been more effective if you'd made love an explicit element of your narration rather than beating around the bush with all their flirting. I know the love is central to your story here, but it's also essentially a background element: they have to be deeply in love for your story to work, so you want to just bake that into your setting and move on to the actual conflict.
There, too, this feels like this goes into the weeds: once the two of them start flirting, all that small talk goes into building up the relationship which you could have established with a single-sentence "Their eyes met and they fell in love." And normally that's great! It makes logical sense to focus your story on its central plot element (the romance and the betrayal). But here, you're trying to cram so much plot into the wordcount that other central elements like the fact she's heaidng north for the winter and he can't go with her get crammed in as afterthoughts to the scene. Your characters are sucking the oxygen out of your conflict.
This soft of word-count spending probably contributed to the suddenness of the swan's husband's appearance at the end, too. I really felt like that needed some more foreshadowing, even if it was just some thematic "I will love you forever!" irony; as written, everything's fine for the two birds until suddenly it's not, and that didn't feel satisfying as a twist. Don't get me wrong, I see what you were going for, and you aren't too wide of that mark, but the pacing and focus here are working against you.
If you edit this one, author, I would do something unusual: try keeping it at exactly the same length. It would be easy enough to expand this to add in the context that the word limit forced you to abbreviate, but I think you'll learn more if you try cutting in different places to make this work. By leaning on the assumed tropes of fairy tales and bringing your conflict to the foreground, this could very easily work as a minific, and what you learn will help you hone your future Writeoff entries all the more.
Tier: Almost There
>>horizon
Yeah, what Horizon said. Fairy Tale romance is such an abrupt thing that a prince/princess/pauper can fall in love with a *description* of another character. On my first reading through, I could have *sworn* I saw a place or two that could have been improved, but the second reading later shows only the spot where Horizon poked. (Hence my habit of trying to read these twice before commenting. Hey, they're short.)
A+ Top tier.
Yeah, what Horizon said. Fairy Tale romance is such an abrupt thing that a prince/princess/pauper can fall in love with a *description* of another character. On my first reading through, I could have *sworn* I saw a place or two that could have been improved, but the second reading later shows only the spot where Horizon poked. (Hence my habit of trying to read these twice before commenting. Hey, they're short.)
A+ Top tier.
This is very fairy tale-y, and I thought it actually did a fairly decent job of emulating that sort of story; while it isn’t perfect, and the characters do fall in love (or the albatross does, at any rate) quite fast, that’s fairly standard for fairy tales. The whole thing ends up feeling a bit shallow due to its length, but it does seem to sort of hit the form, at least, even if it is imperfect.