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“I'm sorry, I got all distracted. I keep thinking about that stupid argument I had with Sarah. I keep going back over it, how I could've handled it differently.”
The story would have more impact if it began with that daydream described to us and transitioned into the conflict, rather than beginning with the conflict, then telling us about the daydream after-the-fact.
The double feghoot at the end seemed very forced, and it just wasn't funny for me. Furthermore, it didn't seem like natural dialogue that could come up in a real conversation. I would have enjoyed the story more if you'd have struck the last line from it entirely: the format of story you chose lends itself to creativity (like poetry does), and that shines through more than your ultimate intent.
[This story was read during our fic-reading event in the Discord chat (a recording of which will probably be available soon). This review will be a combination of my own thoughts on the story and what other people in the chat were saying about it.]
The only thing better than a feghoot is a double feghoot. About halfway through the story, I had a feeling that one was coming, but I couldn't figure out what it was before the reader reached the end.
My only complaint is that there do not appear to be any references to Owl City, the band, unless they're just too obscure for me to notice.
The only thing better than a feghoot is a double feghoot. About halfway through the story, I had a feeling that one was coming, but I couldn't figure out what it was before the reader reached the end.
My only complaint is that there do not appear to be any references to Owl City, the band, unless they're just too obscure for me to notice.
Short and to the point. The setup was interesting and flowed smoothly. I don't recall any mechanical issues. The intro does a good job of doing what you want it to, I think.
As to the feghoot itself, I had a hard time appreciating it, due to a dumb reason: I don't really see how the second half of the sentence contrasts with the first; it seems more like a non-sequiter, so linking them with 'but' felt off. Silly, I know, but it broke the flow compared to how natural and smooth the rest of your dialog was.
As to the feghoot itself, I had a hard time appreciating it, due to a dumb reason: I don't really see how the second half of the sentence contrasts with the first; it seems more like a non-sequiter, so linking them with 'but' felt off. Silly, I know, but it broke the flow compared to how natural and smooth the rest of your dialog was.
>>Ratlab
Now that you mention it, there is a bit of a disconnect in that sentence. I think that while feghoots are usually played straight, with the characters not really acknowledging them or anything, in this case, it seems more like Ferdinand knows exactly what he's saying. So it's more of a character making a pun then it is the story making a pun, if that makes sense.
Now that you mention it, there is a bit of a disconnect in that sentence. I think that while feghoots are usually played straight, with the characters not really acknowledging them or anything, in this case, it seems more like Ferdinand knows exactly what he's saying. So it's more of a character making a pun then it is the story making a pun, if that makes sense.
>>The_Letter_J
Could be. In that case, the author might want to establish that bit of characterization earlier with Ferdinand spouting out some different horrible puns to Moe or the like.
Could be. In that case, the author might want to establish that bit of characterization earlier with Ferdinand spouting out some different horrible puns to Moe or the like.
Building the story on a pun feels like a weak premise to me. The reader doesn't get any context for the implied conflict with Sarah or the relationship of the main characters, which could otherwise be an interesting aspect, so stripping away the pun really leaves this bare any meaning.
At least it was a funny one (the first one that is, the second is just silly). I chuckled briefly. However, that's the entirety of my reaction.
At least it was a funny one (the first one that is, the second is just silly). I chuckled briefly. However, that's the entirety of my reaction.