>>Baal Bunny
>>Bachiavellian
>>KwirkyJ
>>No_Raisin
>>Miller Minus
>>Flashgen
>>WillowWren
>>Trick_Question

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EKGydWrGEjc

That was the joke.

It's always dangerous to set the tone for reviews when you're the first one to review your own story.

Special Delivery (retrospective)

This is the worst I've ever done in the Writeoff.

Five readers bottom-slated me, I got comments like "I can't get over how miserable a read this was," and to top it off I didn't think more than a hoofful of stories this round were strong contenders. I even went in thinking I'd written a good story, though maybe a touch glurgey. Horse jesus. :ajsleepy:

Thanks to >>No_Raisin >>GrandMoffPony >>Anon Y Mous >>KwirkyJ >>CoffeeMinion >>WritingSpirit >>Bachiavellian for your kind and thoughtful reviews. Most of them are clear, but >>WritingSpirit confused me in places. You wrote so many words and I really appreciate the time you put into it, but there were a few parts where I didn't understand precisely what you were getting at. But that's okay.

I think there were two mane problems here. One is that is the story I wanted to tell might have been too big to fit into a minific, not in terms of how many words it took, but in terms of the emotional compression. The other is just that I went too far with the glurge. This was a mistake not only in connecting with the reader, but also because I didn't need much angst to express my intended message.

All that said, I'm still surprised by the reaction. I may have overdone it a little with the emotions, but it wasn't that much. I can't imagine that Skydancer (G1 reference) wouldn't choke up a little at the request, or that Derpy wouldn't cry a little after finally admitting failure. Maybe Derpy shouldn't cry at the end of the story, but that's the only place I actually wanted some emotional impact because it's where she has the epiphany that holds the message. I'd intended to publish this, and now I'm really not sure what to do about it.

I found the negative reaction to Dinky staying up a bit unexpected. The intent was that Dinky's wakefulness was coincidental in a way that could have been read as kismet, but wasn't necessarily so. This was intended to reinforce the uncertainty that the characters express over the impossible task. There are just some things in life you can't know, and so we have to define the importance of what we do in terms of the struggle rather than the outcome.

I guess on the bright side, this forced me to read several really amazing stories. I did not rank Shepherdess in the top half, but I mostly agree with the rest of the rankings (and Miller already got my top vote with his other story). Great job everypony. :pinkiesmile:

>>CoffeeMinion

I can respect that this might not be everyone’s cup of tea. However, I enjoyed writing this too much to not write it, so boo. ^^

I think you may misread me. I enjoyed this story a lot, I just reacted with cringe a couple times when it went over-the-top. I ranked this fifth (third was Seashore, fourth was Snouts).

>>GrandMoffPony
The main issue I had was that I was confused about what was going on in Luna's head. For me, I think this could be a fine story if that were a little clearer.

I feel it deserved to come in higher than third-to-last place, but comedies are often hit-or-miss with readers.

>>Posh
I need to catch up on EQG.

>>Trick_Question

Five readers bottom-slated me, I got comments like "I can't get over how miserable a read this was," and to top it off I didn't think more than a hoofful of stories this round were strong contenders.

I think you're being ungenerous to your competition. I thought it was one of our strongest minific slates in a while. And I think a lot of people would agree that it was the kind of round where low-ranking stories found their spots more because of a mathematical exigency (something has to find its way to the bottom) than as a sign of quality.

>>Trick_Question
Gotcha. And thanks for your feedback. :)

>>Posh
Ugh, that came out all wrong. I'm sorry.

What I mean is that there are usually a lot of stories that knock things right out of the park which I don't expect I have any chance to surpass. I saw rough-draft-ish flaws in most of the stories this time. That doesn't mean I think they weren't high-quality. I liked virtually everything I read.

I'm sorry. I'll be quiet now.

>>Trick_Question
I could try to elaborate on what you don't understand if you want me to. I know I wrote a mouthful — it's kinda becoming a pattern for me to give at least one story a super-lengthy review in each round — but that's usually because the issue I have with that one story is very, very ultra-specific.

Since I got some spare time as I'm typing all this out, I think I can reframe and summarize all my issues with this entry in advance to see if it helps.

---

1) The Dialogue

Sum it all up, it feels unnatural. I reckoned it was because it feels like every line delivered here comes across as a work of someone trying to tie every loose end in the story through the dialogue instead of actually letting the conversation flow. Prime example:

"...and one to your Grandma, who you never got to meet."

It sounds like this line was written to tell the readers specifically that Dinky never met Skydancer. As I'm convinced that Dinky, the pony Derpy is telling this to, should be well aware she never met her Grandmother at any point in time, it kinda feels forced in that regard, not to mention that this information doesn't really add anything substantial to the bigger picture, so I'm wondering why it's there. There are others like it, and I think when you look hard enough, you'll spot them too.

The other issue I have with the dialogue is that you're conveying the hope and yearning that Derpy and Dinky are sharing mostly through the dialogue when I think it could be done better via the prose. Right now, it feels rather blatant and in-your-face, which I don't really enjoy my stories to be like, so it may just be my preferences speaking out here.

---

2) The Prose

It's connected to my issues with the dialogue, in that most of the story that's being told happens more in the dialogue than in the prose. I think what I wanted from the prose is not to just give us actions, like 'Skydancer does this' or 'Derpy does that'. I want the emotions to resonate within the prose itself. I don't think it helps this entry to do just that.

Maybe not as blase as When Snouts Collide. I was thinking something akin to your fellow entrant's Enjoy The Silence with how it weaves the emotions of its characters into the prose.

---

3) The Interplaying of Scenes

I feel like what I've got are two separate stories — Skydancer with Derpy + Derpy with Dinky — that have enough merit on their own, but they kinda cancel each other out when you put them together. Right now, with the way it's structured, it feels like it's done because the scenes individually couldn't carry the emotional weight when in reality, I don't think that's the case.

I think you have two very fine scenes here, but when you put them side by side, the emotions kinda clash with each other, leaving me a little confused as to what I should feel. Basically, the tone of the story is in turmoil and I think just sticking with portraying either one of the mother-daughter relationships would be better instead of going with both.

---

4) Dramatic Shift

I liked what the second scene represents. I think in that scene, there's a change in Derpy emotionally as well as circumstantially that piqued my interest. Personally, I would like to soak into that change taking place. I want to see that car crash in slow motion and I think leaving it as short as it is was a missed opportunity.

---

Hopefully, my re-review helped clarify things a little. If you still have stuff you don't quite get, leave a message!

Thanks for writing!

>>Trick_Question
I’m truly sorry that this was a discouraging experience. I thought this was a good story, and I was also shocked to see it near the bottom. This kept bouncing around my #4 spot for whatever that’s worth.

I’d encourage you to fill this out a little and publish it. I wouldn’t change much. Even if it’s not everyone’s cuppa, I think you’re doing good stuff with it.

So there I was, promising to vote on everybody's story for the last MLP minific round to be done while the show is still airing. I was certain, absolutely positive I would be able to participate in this group consistently for the first time in years.

Then the first week of school happened. Then the FimFic story I needed to submit before I get in trouble. Then the giant category 5 hurricane currently bearing down on my location.

Bottom line, the line "Man plans, God laughs" is pretty accurate for a reason. Sorry I couldn't contribute to this round, but I voted on the pictures at least, and I'm going to try reading all the entries before Dorian cuts off my power. Thank you all for letting me lurk around this group, even if my critical input has been pretty minimal and my authorial output not the greatest.

>>Trick_Question
My bad! :derpytongue2:

>>WritingSpirit
Thank you so much for this. <3 I might not agree with 100% of it, but it's great feedback and your perspective will be very valuable to me if I decide to revise and post the story.

>>CoffeeMinion
I just feel a bit down because it seems like I did several bad things that upset people this Writeoff, even though I know that feeling is probably a gross exaggeration. Writing is always intensely personal for me, so maybe I'm less emotionally stable here than otherwise. I definitely still feel pain from what happened in the Writeoff chat last year, and getting involved in the argument here seems to have hurt my friends yet again as well as furthered the idea that I'm some kind of a rapist or rape-apologist who should never be trusted.

And then I go and insult everypony by saying I thought there were fewer strong entries this time, as if I have any room to talk. It's just been kind of a bad time for me this iteration, and honestly it's all my fault.

However: even though I may feel terrible inside, the Writeoff was still a net positive. I got excellent feedback, prevented myself from publishing trash (well, maybe, as I might end up publishing it and there's no guarantee it won't still suck), and I got to read a lot of amazing stories by talented authors. I intend to continue to participate in the events, hopefully less dramatically next time.

Also, Bachiavellian is a brilliant author. I was confused and dismayed when he wrote something that suggested he felt like I was a much better author than he is. I remain concerned that he doesn't know how awesome he is at writing horse words.

I like the use of the fuzzy blue outline to give the impression that the butterfly is glowing. And I thought the way you integrated the crescent moon shapes into the wings was neat.

In terms of critique, I'd say that the piece as a whole does seem a little static, despite the little tilt that you gave it. But I know a lot of this is kind of coming out of the style you're going for, so I'm not going to bag on it too much.

Overall, really cool piece. Thank you for arting!

I like the idea you're going for, with the simple sihouettes in the background and the multi-layered foreground. That kind of composition has a lot of thought to it, and it shows.

I was a little confused about the background, though. At first, I thought it was the sunset sky, so it struck me as funny that Sandbar was sticking up into the air like that. After a few minutes, I realized that the tan background is probably supposed to be the beach bank, and things made a little more sense. My suggestion would be to find a way to break up the line between the water and the sand a bit, so it looks less like a horizon and more like a shoreline. Unless I'm mistaken about the whole thing, in which case you can go ahead and ignore me :P.

Thank you for submitting!

I kind of found myself in the same camp as>>GroaningGreyAgony, with seeing shoulders instead of wings at a first glace. It's basically only her sihouette--once I actually registered the linework in her wings and neck, the illusion went away. So I think my suggestion would be to make her body linework a bit more clear, the way the outlines in her hair or Luna's hoof are. There's a lot of contrast in this piece so the fact that Fluttershy's shading and her outlines are so similar to one another makes them hard to pick up.

Okay, with all of that nitpicking out of the way, let's address the obvious. This piece looks absolutely fantastic.The aforementioned contrasts are used to great effect, and I particularly like how the blue of Flutter's eye almost matches the blue of the clouds behind her. It does an excellent job of making her pinks and yellows really pop out. Really, really neat stuff, all around!

Thank you for submitting it!

Okay, so. This was a thing that happened, and it really happened all over the place. I'm wildly flattered that my little do-a-diddy got so much attention. I'm really not used to it, so if I miss any big questions just yell at me. I usually try to screengrab the Discord discourse but there was just too much this time.

Now let's talk about r o o f i e h o r s e !

---

Pretty sure somebody call it out in the chat, so yes, the seed for all this mess was Lovecraft. I was watching a video by hbomberguy and thought to myself, "what if the Old Ones/Outer Gods/etc weren't completely incomprehensible, but still kinda dicks?" So, yes, >>CoffeeMinion and >>Trick_Question, the two ponies Cadance is nudging together are indeed meant to be Cozy Glow's parents (I made the mare an Earth Pony because I like when tiny Catra bumps into giant Scorpia and that fit better than her being a Pegasus, but that'll probably change back). My first impulse was to have The Voice be using Cadance to bring about its own eventual release/domination/full awakening/whatever by selectively breeding specific ponies over generations and manipulating events, eventually breaking Cadance’s mind with the full horror of what she’s done with her life, but the scope of that was way, way too big for a mini fic round. So, it got demoted to be more of a True Neutral voice/aspect/shard of Fate and I swapped to a more character focused angle. A bit boring by comparison, but it fit the limit even if it came out half done like >>Bachiavellian notes. I thought about ending on a joke about Flurry Heart and how much giving birth sucks, but that felt really tonally dissonant so I scrapped it and just let it hang on the “loose thread” bit.

Also it’s not Grogar, but that’s a wonderful idea, >>Miller Minus.

Cadance has reminded me of a powered up Confessor since her first use of lovey-dovey magic in her debut, which as >>Baal Bunny points out has some really squicky possibilities. It was cool being able to explore the horror side of that a little bit.



Let me reiterate that I am deeply flattered by all the conversation not just about the story, but also the surrounding ethical implications. I got people talking about things and I feel like that’s an enormous accomplishment by itself, even though I wasn’t expecting anything of this magnitude, and the dissenting opinions were just as welcome and loved as the affirmative ones.

Good thing Cadance had that book nearby to ignore.

Quiet, you.

In regards to the long discussion about “forcing” and “will directly changed” I’d like to offer a computer based parallel that hopefully illustrates how I picture it after having a week to really think on it (though >>No_Raisin’s Inception callback is also great):

Programs often have bugs that can cause unintended effects when triggered. Certain inputs or outputs not being accounted for causing shutdowns or unintended data access, Y2k, yada yada. Brainwashing and drugging are like bug exploits, I think. What Cady does in scene 1 is akin to finding hidden, but intended, input-output patterns, or a debug mode in a game that lets you see hidden variables. “These two are meant to be together, here’s the “nudge” (incidentally, I had her use almost completely mundane means in scene 1 deliberately) that gets them there.”

Scene 2 with Shining Armor is her patching his source code directly without asking or bothering to run a beta test to see how other functions are affected. Of course, Cadance can’t run those tests because she can’t see the complete tapestry of Fate (or the Threads at all, in the beginning, hence her questioning), whereas The Voice can and warns her accordingly.

And yes, I hear you all when you say the negative repercussions need to be clearly displayed and I already have several ideas that aren’t a throwaway childbirth joke.

I want to thank >>Trick_Question in particular for her unique perspective on the goings on in and around my story. I know things got kind of heated up there—still bringing the gasoline and matches—but I appreciate everything. In particular, this bit:

[...]one of the things that eases my conscience is the fact that Cadance also made herself fall in love with him by virtue of her action.

It was apparently also mentioned in the Discord channel, but golly if I didn’t think of this at all while writing, so thumbs up to you and Cass for thinking outside my box.

>>Bachiavellian For what it’s worth, the consequences I have in mind thus far all tie directly into show canon and I’m angling for a “yes it’s fine, for now, but no thanks to you” feel at the very least. Also you’re 100% correct that I bit off more than I could chew from the outset, as described above.

>>Flashgen To quote the single greatest musician of our time, Taylor Swift: “who you are is not what you did.” I’m being cheeky, of course. Sometimes ponies do bad things for bad reasons and… I’m finding it harder and harder to defend her as a person overall the longer I carry this on, especially in light of you referencing the casualness of the last line contrasted with the horror so… Hmm. Thanks for reading and pointing that out.

I think that covers most of the burning issues that were brought up, so big thanks to everyone again for reading and commenting and discussing and keeping me on my toes all damned week.

I need a burger or something now.

Okay, so I have no fucking idea how this story ended up in the top 1/3 of this super competitive round. Especially since it sounded like basically everyone had mixed reactions to it.

.... Thanks, I guess? :P

Retrospective: Part and Parcel

Okay, elephant in the room, like I said in my fake review, I don't have experience with dealing with dementia in myself or my loved ones. That being said, this may come as a surprise to a lot of you, but Ditzy in this story wasn't supposed to have been a depiction of dementia.

I sound crazy, I know.

Canon has already depicted Ditzy multiple times as forgetful, clumsy, and easily distracted. So that's kind of what I was going for here. In my head, her situation isn't deteriorating—it's always been like this. She and her family and her coworkers just know how to deal with it. So basically, what I meant to convey is that it sometimes just slips Ditzy's mind that her daughter isn't 6 anymore, just like how she forgot to go south instead of north in Winter Wrap Up. She slips up sometimes, but she knows how to deal with it.

Well, that was what I was going for. And I probably totally failed on that point, yikes.

Regardless, special thanks must go to >>Pascoite, who will be sorely missed in his mentoring role by at least one.

---

>>No_Raisin

Although with that said, I'm highly skeptical of physically impaired characters being used for easy emotional points, resulting in your typical "sad bastard" narrative where someone's persona is defined by struggles with things that out of their control.

This wasn't my intention at all. Unbelievably, this was the opposite of my intention. Like I said above, I was trying to depict a Ditzy who was firmly in control of her life, despite her poor memory. My apologies that it came out the wrong way.

That's a really sadistic choice, author, and I can't say I appreciate it too much.

I don't blame you; that's exactly how I'd feel if I had just read the story that did what you described. All I can say is, this really wasn't what I had envisioned. Thanks for leaving your thoughts!

>>CoffeeMinion

Genre: Slice-of-OHGOSHNO

I laughed at this, out loud.

The reveal is like a claw hammer to the face. It’s not even feels in the traditional sense; it just feels bad, man.

I know this probably sounds insane, but one of the things I actually told Pasco during the editing process was that I didn't intend this to be a sad-twist fic. And yet, I guess it kind of turned out that way anyway. I'm happy that it sounds like you liked it, but I will admit that it was a little disappointing to see that you had precisely the reaction that I was trying to avoid.

Thank you for reviewing!

>>GrandMoffPony
I'm really sorry that I forced you to make that comparison. Like I said earlier, I wasn't even thinking about dementia/Alzheimer's when I planned this, which probably makes this the most inconsiderate story I've written. I'm glad you appreciated it on a technical level, but I don't blame you at all if you struggled with voting on it. Thank you for leaving your thoughts.

>>Trick_Question
I want to apologize for the implications you received from this story. All I can say is that I sincerely did not mean to milk sadness from a disabled character. My goal was to depict a character whose difficulties still did not impact the quality or fullness of her life. But I was not thinking about how people who actually have loved ones with memory impairments would react to this. That was foolhardy and rude of me. I really appreciate your review.

>>KwirkyJ
I think you may have come closest to having the reading experience I was going for, but yeah, as I said earlier, dementia wasn't supposed to be a part of that equation. So, while I'm glad that the intended positive spirit did come through in your reading, I totally get your mixed feelings. Thank you for for your review!

>>WritingSpirit
Thank you so much for leaving such a thorough review!

Whether it's done with good intentions, I find, is irrelevant to the conversation, because it'll ultimately lead to a discussion about the author over the entry.

This is a really good point. I wasn't thinking about dementia at all when I wrote this, which was unbelievably stupid of me, and I do deserve criticism for it.

To put it simply, I want to see more of Ditzy past her disabilities.

I know I must sound crazy, but really, that was what I was trying to do from the start. The whole point of the story in my head was to show that being forgetful doesn't stop Ditzy from being the loving, considerate, and thoughtful pony that she is. I really dropped the ball like crazy, for you to have received the opposite impression.

Again, I really appreciate all of your detailed thoughts.

>>Miller Minus
Yeah, the idea that I was going for was that Ditzy has always been at this level of forgetful, and that her condition isn't getting any worse. It's just supposed to be something that she already knows how to deal with.

The fact that basically no one had this interpretation really highlights how this piece failed to do the one goddamn thing I wanted it to. Blugh!

Thank you for your comment! Really appreciate it.

>>Rao
Thank you for leaving your thoughts! Yeah, I wanted to depict Derpy as perfectly capable of taking care of herself, so I'm glad some of those vibes made it through to you. Like I said earlier, this wasn't supposed to be a degenerative/worsening deal. So she herself and everyone around her just know how to handle it. Shame that I dropped the ball with that idea so hard.

>>Flashgen
I'm very glad that you liked the story, despite the flaws that I myself (and a lot of others) had with it. I'm happy that the simple prose worked for you, since it was something that I deliberately decided to go with not just for the sake of the story, but to also kind of push myself out of the invisible prose comfort zone I've entrenched myself into. Thank you for your comment!

>>CoffeeMinion
>>Trick_Question
>>Rao

Derpy Ditzy

(yes her name is DERPY)

While I am absolutely on board the "don't take my Derpy, you villains" train...

Yeah, I know her name's officially and unquestionably "Derpy". It's just that, even after 7 years, "Derpy" still sounds like a bad meme-joke to me, and I struggle to take it seriously. No need to apologize, Rao, I should have made the switch fucking years ago, honestly.

---

Okay cool, retro's finally done.

>>Bachiavellian
You have nothing to apologize for. It was a story, and it wasn't rude or disrespectful.

Wait, I take it back: you should apologize for not realizing how good of a writer you are. Because you are good.

>>Bachiavellian

Like I said above, I was trying to depict a Ditzy who was firmly in control of her life, despite her poor memory.

I think this is the reason why your entry ended up creeping up my slate over time, despite my visceral reaction to it. Derpy always tries to make the best of a bad situation, to the point where she never confronts her condition in the conventional sense within the story. I think this is what separates it from other "Derpy suffers, reader cries" stories, and ultimately why it was built to last. I ended up rooting for this story pretty hard by the end of the round.

I don't blame you; that's exactly how I'd feel if I had just read the story that did what you described. All I can say is, this really wasn't what I had envisioned.

I have to wonder if, had I written an entry about Derpy's disabilities, I would've handled it any differently. The answer is probably no. I can't be too mad about that.

>>Bachiavellian

This is a really good point. I wasn't thinking about dementia at all when I wrote this, which was unbelievably stupid of me, and I do deserve criticism for it.

Maybe as a person, sure, but as an author, it's not really a point of criticism relevant to the conversation. For me, I think even if the reasoning behind an author writing a character with dementia was something along the lines of "think of all the sympathy my protagonist could get and how high the stakes are right away!", it really all depends on how the piece handled that sticking issue in the end.

My point with saying this was really directed more towards the other reviewers in that authorial intent shouldn't fully define your personal experience with the story. Now, I personally didn't have anyone who had dementia. Had a grandma (bless her) who remembered the names of all 13 of her children, the names of her grandchildren and her grandchildren's children to the very end at a ripe age of 95, so I guess you could say the exact opposite is true. Nevertheless, even if I knew someone who had dementia, I think this particular entry does an incredible job of depicting it without making it seem derogatory, unintended or otherwise.

I know I must sound crazy, but really, that was what I was trying to do from the start

Now that you mentioned it, yeah, it does come across somewhat. I think it wasn't clear for me initially because we're given two separate aspects of Ditzy's life — her work life and her daughter — so the focus did seem to scurry about a little. Part of me maybe feels that way because we know who Ditzy was already as a character collectively before going into this, so to highlight her having memory loss on top of her well-known physical one just seems to amplify the idea that, yes, Ditzy is disabled.

I personally think I wouldn't have this problem if it were another character, even a completely different one from scratch. However, I think that my preconceptions of Ditzy's personality do help make the story feel more heartwarming and wholesome, which was why I said it's a double-edged sword to have her as your protag. Nevertheless, I think this story ultimately fares better to have Ditzy as a main character. Just had some concerns moving forward that I thought would be nice to point out.

Thanks a bunch for writing this!

>>GrandMoffPony
>>No_Raisin
>>Baal Bunny
>>Trick_Question
>>KwirkyJ
>>Posh
>>Bachiavellian
>>Flashgen
>>Rao
>>Light_Striker

Thank you to everyone who commented on this story. It was an exercise that I've never been fully comfortable to try, but I'm really happy I went through with it.

Before the round started I said something about having an issue with both of my entries, but while this story was up, and before anyone commented, I decided the only thing I "didn't like" about it was that it might not be to everyone's taste. But I likes it. And, lucky for me, some of you liked it too. Thanks for lending me your thoughts and reactions; I will probably only expand this a little before posting to fimfiction.

If you're interested, you can find the chord progression here. Like Light Striker pointed out, it's quite basic. I think I'll lean on the fact that it's not finished in the final version.

And, if you liked this, and you're interested in reading an actual published novel, the style of which I was trying to imitate, I can't recommend Richard Powers' Orfeo enough. I think it strikes the perfect balance of character passion and a subject that not everyone is familiar with (music and science, in this case). It's super great.

As are all of you.

See you next round!

Nopony will read this since I can't reply to axxuy, but I wanted him(?) to know I liked his art compositionally. I actually voted for the art in the reverse order of what won. :derpytongue2:

However, all the arts were very nice. Thanks to y'all for submitting. :twilightsmile:

Folder for this round has been created in our FIMFiction group:

https://www.fimfiction.net/group/200535/folder/68640/2019-08-ship-it

Standard disclaimer: As an anti-spam measure it requires group permissions of "Contributor" to post stories to the folder. Everyone who has joined the FIMFic group and has written at least one Writeoff story ever is eligible for Contributor status. If you don't have it, PM/DM/otherwise bug me and I'll get you fixed up.

>>Posh
>>KwirkyJ
>>GrandMoffPony

Sorry it took me so long to get around to replying here. Just been busy with editing something else I suppose.

So, I saw the prompt and after a lot of time fussing over an idea, I just decided to try doing something cute and funny and a little meta. At first I was thinking two members of the Mane six discussing relationships between their friends, but then I realized it would probably be a bit easier to just do it from the outside with another group of friends, and I ended up settling on the flower trio. I was pretty surprised with how easily the actual writing came considering I've spent the majority of five years with my writing just doing non-prose work.

I have a really poor track record of not realizing the implications of some things that I write. One was listing a journal in a FiM fic as being "leather bound" and not thinking what that would mean in the world of talking animals until someone pointed it out very far down the line. I guess one here is that there's an actual seeming attempt by Daisy to get Lily and Rose together, or that the two are doing more than trading barbs as friends. It's not that I don't appreciate the fact that Lily and Rose could have a thing for each other and they aren't saying it, it's just that I'm not sure I can really write that all too convincingly.

Still, I'll take it under advisement for if this ends up getting reworked into something post-able down the road, because I do think it'll add a bit more of a point to everything, and a bit more opportunity for comedy if Lily and Rose are projecting themselves into their ships and possibly letting things slip.

>>Baal Bunny
>>No_Raisin
>>Bachiavellian
>>Trick_Question

I'll have to keep the change in perspective in mind. I do think it's something that could strengthen the story a lot like you all said.

>>No_Raisin

The author keeps forgetting that you should just stick with italics for emphasis. I swear it's a case of me thinking too much about things, and I'll do my best to not forget going forward.

>>WillowWren
>>Bachiavellian
>>Baal Bunny
>>Rao
>>KwirkyJ
>>No_Raisin
>>CoffeeMinion
>>GrandMoffPony
>>Trick_Question

More late replies to reviews!

So, after spending a lot of my time writing Gosship for this round, I had just the most random spot of inspiration. I think I was just reminiscing about my work week that involved a sudden surge of work on Friday afternoon, and working for an aerospace company, I decided to just write about some pony working at a company dealing with some product.

I'll admit the prose was probably dry, and without anyone to interact with or talk to, Lug Nut probably didn't come across the best. That said, I'm still really happy that some people got some enjoyment. Like Gosship, I think if this gets expanded, I'll consider a switch to first-person POV along with tightening up the language.

On a random tangent, the story didn't have the very last line at first, and just ended with Twilight using her electric toothbrush despite it's lack of a working motor, but part of me just felt it was comedic? I dunno, I think like >>GrandMoffPony said, it would help to have a stroke of inspiration come to the character and then run the punchline.

Also, I just randomly pulled Lug Nut's name to get to writing, but on later thought, I'd want to include a joke about it, considering his job was to keep things moving, like keeping a wheel in place. Just funny little coincidence.

I know the round's over, but I just gotta mention what a dang pleasure this story was to read. Wonderful example of what is possible in the tight word economy. I really wanted to make a drawing for this, but I've just been so busy lately.

Nice job on gold, Miller. You scoundrel.

>>Miller Minus

Miller, that line about Fluttershy not having it when she created this perfect dream is fucking hilarious.

“It has no reflection.”

“What?”

“In my shoe. See?”

Fluttershy leaned closer. Her mane drifted onto Luna’s leg. It tickled.

“What the hell, Luna? This is my first time doing this shit, give me a little wiggle room. You think I popped out of the womb dreaming of the day I would take over for your lazy ass? Goddamn,” she squeaked out. “A little ‘good job’ would suffice.”

>>Anon Y Mous
How did you get a hold of the final draft???