Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but it kinda struck me as OOC to have Cadance essentially manipulate Shining into liking her. (maybe this is a comic reference?)

That aside, I'm very interested to know who the voice in her head is, and how she puts this skill to use in everyday life. This concept definitely deserves to be a fleshed out story.

I honestly can't say anything on this better than what Posh wrote in their comment. I very much echo the same sentiments, as well as the recommendations to try and tease/develop this out more.

Still, this was a lot of character packed into a tight fic, and it still worked really well. Open it up to more word count though and it'll really sing. Nice job!

Alright, all fics read and ranked. Good stuff all around!

This was highly amusing. I liked how well the story flowed (it really felt much shorter than it actually was), and the more quirky and unconventional actions (blushing as red as the stamp, Luna shaking him, etc. Those were perfect). The prose was pretty much top-notch.

I'm going to echo Bachiavellian's comment, however. I think you could make the story funnier or "punchier" by shortening the beginning. It's not bad; it does a good job at introducing the protagonist, making him compelling, and showing us the setting, but I think it could be more brief, or should have the conflict come in earlier.

Also, though I doubt it was your intention, I got the impression that Celestia is low-key trolling her sister here by not going into specifics of shipping, which I find endlessly amusing.

Thank you for writing this. You're awesome.

Initially I thought this was going to be comedy. It didn't hit feels territory for me until "the years", but that peek ahead packed a big punch for me and recast the entire encounter, which is why I like this story. If there were some way to create that effect earlier, it might change the tone of the piece for the better.

Unlike >>No_Raisin I was fine with you being coy about the names, but I agree that it was a mistake to use the phrase "Twilight's castle" if you're not going to refer to Twilight by name afterwards.

I don't agree with >>Bachiavellian in that I did not read this as Dash trying to smooch Twilight, and in fact I sort of read the opposite: there was some disclarity for me with the line "what she would later calculate was the precise rate of speed needed to ensure that the event happened". The problem is that while "calculate" indicates Twilight, if the rate of speed was precise that suggests intent over coincidence, which implies that maybe Dash was later realizing that Twilight intentionally moved her head at just the right time because Twilight herself wanted the smooch. I'd add "coincidentally" in there to make it clear that you're describing kismet (which is the theme I got from the story).

I somewhat prefer "muzzle" to "snout". The latter is rarely used with horses and sounds a bit piggish. However, the crudeness of "snout" reinforces the brutish and chaotic nature of the piece, so it isn't a bad choice.

Nice:

But it feels incomplete to me since we're only getting Vinyl's side of the story, and she admits that she doesn't know what happened between her and Octavia. There aren't enough clues for me to figure it out, and what's there--Octy's been a year without her cello?--just made things more confusing. I started thinking that maybe Octavia has died, and Vinyl still isn't accepting it even a year later...

One way to approach this sort of thing would be to have Vinyl give us the information we need to piece together what happened even while she herself refuses to add it up. Maybe that's what you've done, in fact, and I'm just too dense to see it. :)

Mike

Excuse me, it's horsepower?

Something I liked:

I really like the tone of this entry, but only on a second reading. Much like with "Lover," this is told in a very dry, kind of Werner-Herzog-esque style (I can imagine the dude narrating it), but unlike that entry this one's style fits its tone pretty well. The ending didn't get a laugh out of me, or even a chuckle, but it did get a knowing smirk, and I think that's the kind of humor this is going for. Very dry, very methodical, but very satisfying in a way. Also, you have to imagine the poor bastard who was given the name "Lug Nut" at a baby; it gets funnier the more I think about it.

Something I didn't like:

When I first read this, I was sort of held back, but I didn't know why. Upon a re-read I think it's because it doesn't feel much like a horse fic. ou could, quite easily, replace the pony words with human words and not have to change anything else. Normally this wouldn't be such a problem, since we'd be focusing on recognizable horse characters, but we're dealing with an OC here. A fairly well-realized one, mind you, but you could just turn this guy into a human and everything would be fine.

Verdict: I can see this being mid-tier, or even in the upper quarter for some people. Good stuff.

Watching me try to sing "Dream Weaver" on karaoke night is embarrassing.

Something I liked:

How about... everything? This might still be my favorite of the bunch, but that does come with a small asterisk (which I'll get to). I love how this starts out with Dash utterly failing at meeting Luna's expectations, complete with making posters of herself in the dream; god, she's such a narcissist. The "in a cloud of dust and complaining" line also made me laugh, which is really hard to do. I like how the text never explicitly says this, but Fluttershy understands something about dreamwalking (and by extension Luna) that Dash and Pinkie don't. I can't get over how serene that ending is; it's pretty much perfect.

Something I didn't like:

The biggest criticism I can think, and this is just echoing previous reviews (which I hate doing), but I do wish we got more insight into why Fluttershy is doing this. Dash and Pinkie seemed to be chosen at random (actually, why were they candidates), and then there's Fluttershy. Luna said that there were three candidates, but we're never given a reason for why not all six of the Elements are applying for the job. It's one of those things that seems more the victim of word count limits than lack of authorial oversight, so I consider it minor.

Verdict: Despite feeling a tad worse on a second reading, this is still an easy pick for my top 3.

>>GrandMoffPony

Post

im posh post

I guess Octavia has to marry Vinyl now. But then what if Vinyl says no?

Something I liked:

This is a very nicely paced read, author. Very compact, yet ambiguous up to a point. One has to wonder what happens after that last sentence. I like how we get this really vivid picture of Octavia's persona with how she perceives music. I'm not a music expert (I can't even read sheet music), but I can imagine the sounds that are generated from this text with my mind's eye. It's weirdly sensual, without every being erotic in the slightest. It does, of course, get pretty romantic, if in a roundabout way. Lovingly written and constructed, for sure.

Something I didn't like:

I do have to wonder, though, why Octavia would want to marry whoever found out her secret chord progression. It seems arbitrary, like something out of a fairy tale, except Octavia doesn't seem like that kind of gal anyway. I get that this is ultimately a VinylTavia shipping vehicle, and god knows those two are shipped all the time, but I can't help but feel like this is more uncalled-for than most. Doesn't help that we don't know what Vinyl's perspective on things really is; you could say it's implied that she reciprocates Octavia's love, but I hesitate to buy it.

Verdict: It's a shame that nobody's talked about this one. It feels professionally done, if anything.

Writing about music:

According to the old saying, is like dancing about architecture, and that's the feeling I came away with here. I've been playing guitar and singing at my local church for more than thirty years, but I never learned most of the technical jargon that goes along with chord structures and harmonics and that sort of thing. So all the terminology here pushes me away from the story, makes a barrier that I can't quite get through.

The only suggestion I can make that would help me, author, would be to add more of how the music in her head makes Octavia feel. You've got some of that now, but the more you can draw me into her experience, the more the story will resonate with me. And while I didn't mean to make a pun by using "resonate" in this context, I'll be more than happy to take credit for having done so.

Mike

Fun:

My only suggestion here would be to pick one of the three as the POV character and let us in on some of her thoughts as the conversation goes along. 'Cause right now, we're sort of floating above the action and just listening in, an external POV that's fine but that I always find a little boring. Anchoring me in somepony's head would bring me into the proceedings more firmly and would add an internal level to the goings-on. But maybe that's just me. :)

Mike

Calm the fuck down, author, there are children here.

Something I liked:

God, talk about hitting the ground running. Despite the fact that not much happens in this entry, that opening line is eye-catching and ballsy and umph, and yet it establishes both this sadness and dissonance that starts and never stops (although there is a speed bump at one point). What it lacks in story it makes up for with a juicy character study that feels both really intimate and existential. I feel like I understood Spitty's plight in so little time, not to mention her thoughts and feelings on such a personal level. In terms of tone and character-building, this is some crazy stuff.

Something I didn't like:

There is, unfortunately, a section of this entry that doesn't hold up as well as the rest. It's only a couple paragraphs, but it's something. Let's talk about exposition. For most of the story, what we find out about Spitfire perspective is through sensual descriptions, along with what she says and thinks, but then the narrative distances itself from the action to provide some exposition that either probably wasn't needed or could've been more smoothly integrated into Spitfire's perspective.

Verdict: Arguably the finest opener of the bunch, and overall one of the finest entries.

Fun:

I'll agree with >>Trick_Question that the giggling and glasses-tapping--isn't that what the kids are calling it these days?--happens mighty quickly here, and I'd welcome more of Pinkie spewing other observations she's made at school or around town that have led her to understand that these two need to be together.

But my biggest concern is the hoagy. Why did Shining have to throw it away? If he was at the station house when he got Pinkie's call, surely they have a refrigerator in the break room or something? And if he was in his car, couldn't he just set it in the passenger seat?

For that matter, don't cops always have partners when they go out on calls? In EQG land, maybe Shiny's got Flash Magnus or cynical old Wind Rider along with him...

Anyway, I definitely would like to see this expanded and posted on FimFiction. Good stuff!

Mike

Bruh.

Something I liked:

I'm gonna diverge from Pish Posh and say that I like how this is structured. Very few minifics have this episodic feel to them, given word count limits, but this pulls it off pretty nicely and without feeling rushed. We learn about Birchbeetle pretty fast, despite her being an OC. Some people love to be surrounded by ocean and the beach and all that, but there's this loneliness to Birchbrother's character that's palpable, yet never goes over the top. I can imagine the author being picky with what words to keep, since this is written in such a refined and economical way. Gotta respect that.

Something I didn't like:

Too many characters. Or rather I think this entry would benefit from just focusing on the budding friendship (maybe even romance) between Birchbitch and Sandbar, or maybe Silverstream. Having three of the student six be here causes Birchbourbon's interactions to be unfocused, and since we're given so few words to work with she only get a few lines with each member. Thus, the relationships feel undeveloped, but this is something that can be fixed for FimFic.

Verdict: A cute, if mildly depressing character study that's mid-tier for me, or maybe upper third.

Let me again:

Agree with >>Trick_Question about that last line. Cadance absolutely has to be shouting it at Rarity and Applejack as the whole "Who are you going to believe? Me or your lying eyes?" crescendo to the piece. All kinds of fun here!

Mike

“Influencing ponies’ intimate lives through magic has frankly shocking ethical implications.”

I like to think Twilight had read "Laissez-Fate."

Something I liked:

Hey, this is pretty zany. I've been begging for a comedy of this sort all round, and I got it. Kind of. I picture this version of Cadance, who for some reason is a goddamn lunatic, trying to solve this "sex shortage" problem. There are several entries this round that discuss sex (you horny bastards), always in a comedic context, and of those I'd say this entry pulls it off the most successfully, if only because of how crazy it is. I was ready to go to town on this entry for like the first three quarters, I was having so much fun. But then...

Something I didn't like:

That last scene was weak. Much like with "Love. Bake. Cupcake," this is mostly a series of funny and promising rapid-fire jokes that unfortunately result in a botched landing. Not in the same way, though. Is it just me, or does Chrysalis just sound wrong here? Granted, nobody's really "in-character" in this entry, and that's the point, but I feel like Chrysalis was written to be almost the sane man to Cadance, when in fact she should've been even crazier. She's supposed to be like a villain, right?

Verdict: Not as hyped about this as some people are, but for the most part I think it succeeds at what it's doing.

This is a nice vignette that seems like it could have gone a little further.

I don't feel like this story has a strong resolution because the change in character is too subtle. If you want us to feel like there's a budding romance, it would help to provide more clues. There needs to be more chemistry between Rose and Lily if that's the aim.

I agree with >>Baal Bunny that having an anchor could help, and I think it should be Daisy for the obvious reason.

The hay fries and sandwich descriptives are a little too detailed for me. The food fight and meal options distract me from the conversation.

This is very interesting. I really like where the story was headed, but I have a couple of issues. One is that I'm not sure I buy Spitfire's lack of involvement in athletics in her forties. There are lots of things she could do if she really enjoyed her time in the Sun, like continuing to be a trainer or serve in some other military role. She was Captain of the Wonderbolts, after all. It feels pretty conclusive that she's uninvolved due in large part to her own lack of initiative, but this feeling isn't supported by the story or her character.

The other is that I'm not sure the resolution rounds out the story well enough. I feel sorry for them both, particularly Soarin' who seems completely clueless as to how messed up in the head his buckbuddy is. I think they both need counseling together, and Spitfire alone. At the end of all this, I'm left feeling unfulfilled in the same way as Spitfire. I enjoyed it, sure, but afterwards I feel uncertain and a little let down.

After trying to make his neck not feel so stiff

This shift into Soarin's mind is a mistake, I feel. We should stay with Spitfire.

Spitefire

I think your subconscious is speaking, author...

>>Bachiavellian

to the point that I'm almost tempted to fill out a Guessing slate

Also not me, for the record.

This could have been a really interesting story, but I fear I can't figure out what you're going for, author. After a misleading opener that sounds like Fluttershy is being proposed to, the rest of the story features some really strange and contradictory tension between the Mane 6 that doesn't seem to lead anywhere. I get a lot of character, but no strong and lasting dynamic between pairs of characters.

>>No_Raisin

I mean, at least I know who's being shipped here.

Would you mind telling the rest of us?

TrixGlim's marriage is what they're discussing, but shipping is not just an offhoof mention of a wedding of two off-scene characters. I think there may indeed be shipping going on in this story but I haven't been able to parse it out. I have three theories which I comment on further below.

The strangest thing about this story is how the same characters behave as though they're totally comfortable with sex one minute, then act like rape victims the next:

A shudder passed through all her friends

This is just weird. Twilight merely says the word "sex" and her friends react like they have post-traumatic stress disorder. And Rainbow acts ashamed, which is exceptionally odd. This happened immediately after Pinkie and Dash high-hoof about how much fun sex is, and immediately before Applejack says, stone-faced, that it's the most natural thing in the world.

I'm confused by the rapid-fire emotional shifts, as well as how the characters all react in the same way in places. I was actually excited when I read Rainbow's unusual reaction, because I thought you were going to reveal something bizarre that would account for it: a reason sex should be shameful in Equestria and isn't appropriate to joke casually about. Maybe it's illegal? Maybe the characters share a history of a highly traumatic incident? Those would be interesting to pursue. When this didn't materialize and the emotions shifted yet again, I became confused.

My best guess here is either you intended to draw sexual tension between one or more characters in the story and I failed to pick up on it, or the story is just "Twilight and her friends are embarrassed about sex", or else all six of them are attracted to Rockhoof and you're trying to squeeze in a peek for us at the end.

As a reader, what should my takeaway from this be? If there isn't one, I think it would help if you had a message that you were trying to convey to the reader. Think about what you want us to learn from what we see here.

Less importantly:

Fluttershy turning "orange as a pumpkin": I think you mean to imply that red blush + yellow pelt = orange, which is a little strange visually and not how blush manifests in canon. If you do go with that, I'd say "orange as Applejack" for a tie-in to the rest of the story, and mention it's only her cheeks or face.

I realize you were using "brain popping" to lead into "popcorn", but the brief look into Twilight's thoughts is jarring. Actually, this story might be better if it were grounded in one pony's perspective, and Twilight would be a natural choice for it.

I don't get the title. Are they refusing to attend the wedding?

I'd like to take this moment to point out that sometimes my reviews seem much harsher than I intend. I am opinionated and passionate and lambasting your story does not mean I didn't enjoy reading it.

This is good. It was difficult for me to read because I was initially certain that it was headed for Cliche Sad End. I think I'd like the story better if her stories were increasingly fantastic or imaginative or inappropriate.

I agree with most of what >>Posh has already written.

The quill glowed orange and rose again, scratching out the last line.

I'd put a comma after "orange" or rephrase. I had to read this three times before I realized her aura didn't have two colors.

Make some friends with the "hr" tag.

the pair of crystal servants whose backs it’d been resting on

Yikes. Okay, this must be a random-level comedy.

"As is her birthright!"

This was the one place I legitimately laughed.

"Hm. That’d impact our tax base."

Cadance agreeing with this logic feels weird. It makes it sound like she doesn't really care about the love, which doesn't mesh with what she expresses in the rest of the story. I'd like to see more focus on a single motivation for her. When she argues for more sex, she's all over the map about why, and it isn't clear what the mane reason is that she's so upset. This means I'm left unclear on the overwhelming motivation that is the centerpiece of the story.

A large hunk of crystal broke off, shattering at Twilight’s hooves.

This is a bit too much for me to find humorous. I think you've crossed the line between comedy and dramatic farce, and it makes me cringe rather than giggle.

The last scene works very well and isn't crazy random, so I liked it, but the ending is a little flat. Cadance isn't backed into a corner here because she hasn't agreed to anything and this is a ridiculous idea in the first place. Chrysalis is desperate and has no hoofing to leverage a bargain. So it sounds like Cadance isn't likely to respond positively to the demand, and I'm left wondering what will happen next. That makes this feel like it ends in an incomplete place rather than on humor. I think it might be funnier to end it with Cadance ordering Shiny to have sex with Chryssi.

>>Trick_Question
And just like magic, the desire to do a Guessing slate has vanished.

Well, at least I got to feel real smart for about a day. :P

>>Bachiavellian
And now I get to feel smart, because I think I know who did it. :raritywink:

But I'm not guessing this round either. I've been away too long.

One way you can tell this one isn't mine is I always have a specific message in mind rather than just a story to tell, and this particular story feels unresolved (to me, at least). If I had written this, I would have given Spitfire an epiphany at the end that allowed her to come to terms with her feelings.

The best part of this story is really all the little descriptions and details. Things like the patio garden and the cello parked on top of Vinyl's sofa are super evocative, and they do an excellent job of summing up the feelings of a long-term relationship without having to spend the time and wordcount to directly go into the matter. Overall, the hurt on Vinyl's end does come across strongly.

I'm a little less convinced of things on Octavia's side, unfortunately. I know that you're going for this idea where Vinyl doesn't fully understand why Octavia left her, but that has the unfortunate side effect of leaving me wondering why Octavia left her. Not being able to understand the central conflict is a little frustrating, and this frustration kind of leaks into my perception of the piece as a whole.

I'll be honest; I'm not exactly sure how to solve this problem while maintaining the central idea of keeping VInyl confused about why Octavia left. Maybe, you need to redirect focus away from this, although I'm also not sure how exactly do pull this off. Sorry, my suggestions are particularly useless this time around... :(

But regardless, like I said earlier, I did enjoy reading this story very much. Thank you for entering!

Emotional fatigue. That’s all I gotta say.

I like the idea, but bringing in the low hanging fruit- Derpy with the bad luck and disability, the Apple kids with dead parents- makes me want to feel for them even less.

Characters need a happy medium, one where sad stuff can be sad, and happy stuff can be happy.

My favorite part was the derpy scene with her flying and I think it was a little emotional break for me right up until she got to crying.

My only suggestion is to add in happy parts where the characters succeed in their goals only for you to rip them from their podium of pride and beat them to a blood pulp. :)

This is some cute Luna naivete, which is a well I have tapped myself on more than one occasion. It doesn't quite reach giggle territory for me, though.

I think the main disconnect I'm having is that it isn't at all clear to me what Luna thinks shipping is. She's obviously confused, but without knowing what she's thinking, so am I. She clearly doesn't think it means actual package shipping, but the story suggests she might because she associates "shipping" with what she already knows the post office does. Does she actually want a date? Then the ending makes no sense, because she wouldn't be announcing it to random strangers, and why would she not hit up the postman himself first?

"Call me Luna, please," she replied, stepping up to the counter and smiling. "Princess if you must."

I like what you're going for, but this feels indecisive for Luna.

This is really fun and cute. All the characters sound off strongly, and the central idea is sugary enough to keep me hooked throughout the length of a minific.

By the end of things, though, I'm a little bit confused about what the actual payoff of this story is supposed to be. It's definitely not seeing the two girls get together, because they say a grand total of six words and aren't even named. I'm not sure that it's Pinkie Pie, because she remains pretty much static throughout the story, and is not involved at all with the resolution. So I'm left with thinking that this must be a story about Shining Armor somehow, but he doesn't really get the spotlight with any joke deliveries or the like. So despite being the perspective character, he comes across as a bit sidelined.

So I think I would say, as a pure vehicle for joke delivery, this piece does a good job. But as an actual story, it never really builds any bones around the jokes it delivers. My suggestion would be to think about how you want to frame Shining Armor's arc throughout this piece (if I'm correct to assume that he is the central point of the story).

I'll just end by reiterating that I thought Pinkie was super fun, here. Thank you for entering!

>>Posh
Oh no! I'm so sorry about that! (fixed it)

This tops my slate. Congratulations, author. Great research. Perfect establishment of mood, and the last line killed me. I only have minor suggestions.

there’s

I think this should be there're or there are. Octavia seems too formal to make that mistake.

anyone

Anypony, especially since you use somepony in the following sentence.

(There’s nothing musical about two ponies haggling each other ... ).

Period goes inside the paren, and I strongly disagree with the statement.

(lots of newlines in a row)

What do y'all ponies have against an hr tag, anyhow? :ajbemused:

This is a solid slice of life, though you chose an easy degree of difficulty with the telly letter format. I enjoyed it and I felt things.

I think >>Bachiavellian precisely sums up my opinions. I'd start to wonder if he and I were the same pony, but I'm pretty sure he's a better writer than I am. Also I'm not exactly a 'he', but fewer people care about such things these days.

>>Trick_Question

I'm pretty sure he's a better writer than I am.

Here it is, folks. The most laughable statement ever made. :P

This one is tough on me for two reasons. For one, my mother is in the incipient stages of dementia. For another, I have real memory problems due to electroconvulsive therapy, ketamine treatments, and a long decade or so of opiate use. I'm starting to worry that I might end up with dementia myself at a younger age than one would expect. Mom's only thirty years past me, and I'm probably worse off now than she was at this age. So I definitely felt the conflict here in two ways.

That said, the lack of clarity about the nature of Derpy's (yes her name is DERPY) disability makes the story lose most of its punch for me. Let me explain.

It seems very likely you chose this character because she's apparently disabled, obviously her eyes, but also potentially her psychology. That's why everypony chooses her, let's face it. So we expect that this story is describing her disability and you're milking it for feels like Special Delivery (although most of the feels in that were unrelated to Derpy's disability). But we identify Derpy with that disability all the time, so it isn't immediate that your take on Derpy here equals dementia.

Adding to that, Derpy is almost certainly relatively young given Dinky's age, so that too makes dementia unlikely. If Dinky were marrying at an older age, that might be different. Then again, the additional disability of her wing (yay let's give her three problems for extra sads) also suggests she's older, which contrasts with the facts, but makes more sense for the feels you're aiming at.

The bottom line is that I don't know how bad I should feel for Dinky and Derpy, and this mutes the power of the piece. She apparently has been doing this for months if not years and she's able to function somehow. There are no hints at her house that there is a routine her daughter helps her with, no notes or anything left for her. A clue about the nature of her illness would go a long way for me, like a doctor's letter left out or something. We just don't know if Derpy is soon to be a total invalid or not, and that's pretty important.

You know, I would like this story about a thousand percent more if you had chosen any character other than Derpy.

>>Bachiavellian
Seriously?

If you don't realize how good of a writer you are, this is a situation that must be remedied.

Okay! I'm all done levying unrequested advice on how to write your stories the way I would have written them, which to be completely honest would not necessarily have made them better.

My two top stories are:

Can You Hear Me?

Laissez-Fate

It was hard ranking stories this round, but those two were pretty much absent of flaws for my read.

Sadly, I thought my story would do better than it almost certainly will. But humbling myself by reading stories much better than mine and getting useful feedback are the reasons the Writeoff continues to be amazing.

I like this very honest, subdued approach to discussing mortality and coping.

Having the characters so weepy was to its detriment -- it is possible to be sad without crying, and having it come up at every contact with failure lessened my engagement. While having us see Derpy as she tries (again, clearly) to deliver the letter does help convey that it is a long-standing desire of hers, it also strikes me as being unnecessary, and handled somewhat clumsily. How Dinky excuses herself as "something kept me up" doesn't seem to fit, and I can't really articulate why -- it just feels weird. Another way to approach this story as a whole might be to focus on Derpy and Dinky having a heartfelt discussion about death?

Watching Skydancer accommodate the Apples was very effective -- a point contrary to a thought above. Similarly, Derpy's somewhat fatalistic attitude provides an interesting contrast to the things thad have driven her in the past (and clearly continues to do so, as she sill has both letters).

Pinkie (and the whole of Ponyville) seems deeply invested in the mystery identity of Rainbow's interest, but I can't say I ever was; this makes it very easy for me to forget this story.

In-story, I am of two minds about Pinkie, here: on one hoof, she is sufficiently manic when she has a bee in her bonnet that she would just have to know, and would wrangle the entire population to get the answer... on the other, she's also sufficiently empathic that she would show some discretion for her friend who clearly didn't want the cat out of the bag. Clearly the former was chosen, but without the why being given it feels a bit cruel of her.

The curt, precise scenes from the various social clusters mostly worked well enough that it was interesting to see the cross-section of ideas and how they might indicate projection by those ponies. Pinkie suggesting a harem was one of the more bizarre bits, I will admit.

I question how necessary or effective the introduction is -- the focus begins on Dash, but then proceeds to diffuse to all of Ponyville to the exclusion of Dash.

Strikes me as an experiment?

So close! So close, but it doesn't quite accomplish everything it could have.

So there is some great work in working on description, and in broad (and medium-thickness) strokes the emotional setup with the characters is well-formed. Nothing can take away from that, and will probably put this medium-high on my slate.

However...

The 'mutual comprehension' line doesn't seem to fit with what was established about Twilight's thoughts on things. Not saying it can't be plausible, but it doesn't align well with the rest of the text. Related, there is the point about lacking consent, and, depending on how the dichotomy above is handled, the fallout could be interesting; it is also something worth being mindful of while writing (even if it is disregarded in-story).

But what really gets my china cracking is that the descriptions aren't milked for all they are worth. Turn the air to syrup! Make the glass fragments actual diamond dandelion seeds! Make the room a party frozen by light! Vault the fornicationceilings! Let the bookcases tower or loom or hush!

Dig into the characters, and make them vibrant and alive in the past as well as the present, painted with vivid nowness on the glacial present and immovable past.

Polish each little scene-moment to a glow. It's waiting.

Gutsy choice for an OC, and for a story that focuses on the tedium of… accounting, basically.

As a story, it's interesting. Lug Nut has to decide whether a product goes out as-is or not, we see some of his thought process, and we see a sample of the results.

The results feel mixed -- there's Twilight apparently ditching the broken brush for her old standby, yet Lug Nut proposed (and got the execs to approve and manufacture) the replacement heads which Twilight does not own or seem to know/care about.

There are similar mixed signals throughout the story. If the unit was designed in such a way that a replacement head can be used with no modification to the unit, yet Lug Nut has the idea after assembly is under way and production lines are in place and release is imminent, why are the heads detachable/replaceable/interchangeable to begin with? If one doesn't understand the details of a thing, how can one make prediction of failure with such specificity? Decisions regarding "profit or loss of hundreds or thousands of bits" would always deal with both figures, not just "right now"... and mere thousands seems a very low figure.

The more I think about it, the more issues I see with this one, though very few of them having to do with the actual writing.

As others have noted, it is not at all obvious why these three were the only 'candidates', nor exactly what they are being tested for. Something else I feel important to add is that the ability to determine what Luna appreciates will not necessarily generalize to what any given pony will appreciate -- the distinction more valuable if they are to replace/supplement Luna as a dream guardian for other ponies, rather than a guardian for Luna exclusively.

That said, this was an enjoyable read. Dash failing horribly was handled fantastically, and the cut around Pinkie left just enough to the imagination. Then the interaction with Fluttershy just felt mwah, below the cerebral plane -- not sure if the butterfly was symbolic of anything in particular, but it was used with an expert hand (or a facsimile of same).

This is a strong character piece about Octavia. We see how she is, in a moderate way, obsessed by these sounds, and how that obsession guides her through life.

I don't know what the chord progression sounds like, and that want and lack kinda hurt my engagement -- perhaps being vague might have been preferable. Declaring that she will marry whomever produces the progression also seems arbitrary and ill-advised, as just anyone could happen upon it by chance. Indeed, though it is implied that Vinyl knows exactly what she's doing at the end, it seems very spontaneous... perhaps Vinyl was watching and waiting, but it's something of a stretch given most characterizations of her I am familiar with, and it is not well-supported in the text here. I sensed a kind of longing on Octavia's part, but the stakes felt very low as it never drove her to do anything except charge across a floor that one time.

D. Up a whole step. Down a major third. Drop an octave. Up a perfect fifth.

Probably the result of a fight with the word ceiling, but that exposition in the latter third is really the weak point of the story, even if it crystalizes everything else we see with Spitfire here. That aside, this is a very ambitious piece with themes of obsolescence, aging, and self-worth, and, for the most part, it does an excellent job of conveying what it needs to through dialogue, descriptions, and tone.

On one hoof, this could be read as being a bit creepy, as those stories comprise a large part of her reality (as opposed to actual reality). On the other hoof, it's endearing, sobering, and/or rather sad to watch a character struggling with herself so much.

Sometimes the break between reality and fiction was blurred such that I had to re-read a section to be certain -- this could be a strength or a weakness of the piece. Similarly, the style of writing strikes me as a bit disjointed and a bit infantile, which could be a deliberate effect (and somewhat effective).

The last question there seems very scary, as, from what we the reader has seen, those stories tend to revolve around those asking, whom Birch doesn't actually know. How she and they handle her response could be a very significant or telling moment in their nascent friendship, and we the reader are deprived of learning how it happens.

Economists: "Our system will expand infinitely forever." Physicists: "AAAAA"

Twilight the straight mare to Cadence (and, to a lesser extent, Shiny) being ridonculous. The first two scenes were hilarious! However, Chrysalis reads as both off from being Chrysalis and not fitting well into the tone of the rest of the story, which tends towards the extremes. Also a very minor nitpick, with the crystal servants, did they go running because the tea was scalding (if so, how did Cadence tolerate it in her mouth), because of the surprise (skittish, much?), or fear reflex (but when I say stand, you stand)? ...none of the options seem to fit the premise, so I'm irked.

As a crack fic, far be it from me to say where things should go or what they should be, but I definitely laughed at this one, so thank you for that at least.

This one clearly doesn't take itself seriously, and is all the better for it. Pinkie is being ridiculous, but she has a very clear objective and will go to nearly any length to get it; Shining is left to deal; as for Pinkie's targets… well, they're just dense as lead, and it works.

The one thing I would voice to change would be a single sentence, where they leave twining fingers -- if it is a romantic gesture, as it would more likely be perceived in the US (where most of the witeoff-ers are, afaik), it is not well-earned in the story... Shining gets them to do enough of the thing that Pinkie was after, and that's all anyone cares about; if it is a platonic gesture, which still might happen in a US-like setting and may be more common elsewhere (South America, Europe), it is probably unnecessary to detail? Being honest, my perception is definitely colored by the former, where by drawing attention to it, especially in such a short form, it's very significant and thus must be close friendship at minimum.

A very fun, light read!

ETA: If the title is supposed to be referencing something, it is lost on me.

Clearly close friends, clearly just shooting the breeze, clearly knowing what barbs are and are not acceptable to one another. Not exactly the pinnacle of subject material, but as slice-of-life feel it is executed well above merely respectable. However, because it is just 'shooting the breeze,' there isn't much to take away from it, which is a bit of a shame. Reminds me of a few pieces I wrote for Thirty Minute Ponies some years ago.

As other have noted, the twist at obviously really establishes this one, and boy does it commit. I find it curious that Flurry, pubescent at best [citaiton needed], can go toe-to-toe with her much more experienced mother in these matters, but it's silly enough that I can't get too excited about that niggle.

I also infer in that last scene, hopefully correctly, that Cadance is, in her mind, emphatically dissuading Applejack and Rarity from a terrible mistake. Had I time to draw, I would have her absolutely Kool-Aid Mare into that line.

ETA: Upon re-reading, I realize that my take on the ending was not based in the text. Cadance is clearly screaming at her daughter in frustration, which takes things way too far to be fun anymore. I like my ending better. Also, different readers seem to have very different perspective on Flurry's age, which can definitely impact how they view the argument with Cady.

The implications regarding Ditzy's memory issues are unsettling, to say the least... however, the heart of this story is unwaveringly positive. The thing about the wing hurting strikes me as something of a red herring, contributing little to the story, but that's about the only other detractor I can think of -- and even then, it helps to emphasize that she is so happy with herself at getting a toy she knows Dinky will love that she will fly despite the pain.

I am very conflicted about how to feel about this one, given the point about memory failure and/or dementia. In our world, it would to easily turn horrific. In Equestria however, most things are… gentler… and maybe she actually is able to get by after a fashion, as we see with Triplicate and her daughter's understanding. As a story about ponies, it's definitely top-tier; as a story about people...

Angst, angst, angst. A very lonely, almost unhinged Vinyl writing things to Octavia that she can't say.

Reading outside the text for once, I am curious whether or not Vinyl mailed this letter. Writing it is one thing, sending it is another.

Back to the text... the nature of the falling out is very skeletal here, to the point that some readers just won't follow. Could be a strength or a weakness -- those who can understand can project themselves into it, but not everyone can relate or will choose to. Because it is light on its own story and tries to hitchhike with the readers' stories, mileage will vary.

Serviceably written, and the epistolary choice is unusual but is rather effective in this case.

If I'm being honest, I don't understand the point of this one. Is it addressing sex? Marriage or commitment? Maturing? None of these really come to the fore, but they're all kinda sitting there, vying against one another for attention. The characterization on display here is believable, but… why? What are they all talking about?

Twilight's stressing about a date with somepony?

I think this just wants to be longer.

Showing each of the mane six (more or less) built up the rhythm (stop that, me) of what was up (seriously) with each one. However, it was rather inconsistent about the nature of this… attraction… being lustful, sexual, agape, or what. There just isn't enough material to clarify how or why our characters responded in the way they did to the same cause. (Take Poison Joke, for example -- its common effect was to subvert the thing that the pony most prized, or something like that; it was expressed differently because it had to be.)

As short-form, this does an excellent job of establishing. We have no idea who this other voice that Cadance hears is, but we nod and say yes, okay, and in the latter half listen to the voice, Cadance, because this sounds really serious. Also the prose never gets in the way, to the point that I didn't notice how effectively it was written until I went looking for things to fix.

Both a strength and a weakness here is the end: the voice asserts in no uncertain terms that what Cadance did was very serious and probably seriously bad, and we have no reason to doubt it... so the reader is left wondering what the consequences might be. If however this is at all meant to connect with the show canon (and it should, or else why are you writing pony fan fiction), we know that things turn out really pretty good for her and Shining in the end so maybe the voice is a lying liar no-face who doesn't know what it's about anyway, which robs that intrigue.

While the opening paragraphs do well to get us interested about Parcel, they really add nothing to the story, which is about Luna having an adorkable misunderstanding. Much of the concept revolves around lack of awareness about 'shipping' in its various contexts, but the real humor comes from the interaction between the two, and stars that last scene I can imagine so vividly. A bit pun-heavy, and a small dose of common sense (or at least direct intrepid, unflinching explanation) would quickly topple the premise, but that aside this will probably be surprisingly high on my slate.

Shinzo Abe approves.

I fought the law, and the law won.

Something I liked:

There's something funny about Shining Armor, who is a goddamn member of royalty in horse world, being kind of your average cop walking the beat in the EqG world. The poor bastard, he can't seem to catch a break. I think it was a good idea to have the perspective of the story be anchored to his side of things. Then there's Pinkie, who for the most part feels right. There some words she uses that seem more fitting for Applejack (it's really weird, this country-flavored Pinkie), but generally she acts about as simultaneously carefree and concerned with the plight of others as she should be.

Something I didn't like:

The ending falls flat for me in a few ways. Once again this is a comedy entry that has pretty good build-up, but can't quite stick the landing, at least imo. For one, the hoagie. It seems like the author thought that planting the seed of Shining throwing out his hoagie (why did he do this) to address Pinkie's call would result in a really funny payoff, and unfortunately it didn't. Then there's the girls (Moondancer and Cherry Jubilee according to TQ, but how the fuck do I know, I'm color blind), who for some reason are never identified, and whose identities are only alluded to in a very coy way. It bugged me.

Verdict: It's cute. It's grounded enough to not be a crackfic. Hillbilly Pinkie Pie is my spirit animal.

Does the author have something against italics...?

Something I liked:

We have another My Dinner with Andre deal where characters talk in one place and nothing really happens, but I like that sort of thing when it's executed well, and boy is it here. We immediately get an impression of the dynamic between the flower ponies, and the sort-of twist at the end, while maybe too subtle for some, is enough to give the impression that this conversation had been building up to something. Besides, it's nice to see a bunch of gossiping flower ponies talk about ship names of all things, not even so much the ships themselves.

Something I didn't like:

You know what would make this story better? If it was told in the first person, from Daisy's perspective. It sounds random at first, but knowing how the ending plays out I think it could make the twist more impactful. Besides, we can learn a thing or two about Daisy's own biases by virtue of staying in her head for a while. Not only that, but you could work to differentiate the flower ponies even more from each other. This is all stuff that can be easily done for FimFic.

Verdict: Regarding the entries that are about shipping, this is probably my favorite.

Flurry Heart clearly thinks she's in a mid-2000s high school comedy.

Something I liked:

Despite not being told in the first person, this entry does a really good job at putting us in the head of this really petty bitch. (I'm sorry, but that's what Flurry is in the context of the story.) It's like almost stream-of-consciousness in how the narrative is constantly interrupted by Flurry's own POV. Apparently she's training to become the Princess of Shipping, and her mother thinks she knows more about shipping than Flurry does. Very obvious meta humor, and kind of veering into crackfic territory, but most of it is silly enough for me to get wrapped up in the hijinks. Up to a point...

Something I didn't like:

What is it with these comedy entries and poorly handled endings? But this one is particularly frustrating because of the perspective change, and, as many have said before, Cadance is yelling at the wrong person. It's not funny, and it feels out-of-character, even by the standard set here. I can see this version of Cadance arguing with this version of Flurry over shipping, but yelling seems too much. The half-assed RariJack ship doesn't help.

Verdict: I mean, it works as a comedy, but it clearly suffers from being a minific.

>>Trick_Question

What do y'all ponies have against an hr tag, anyhow?

It's called a soft or weak scene break, and it's a valid convention, even officially endorsed by this site's style guide.

As you observe, however, the use of the soft break is dubious here, as it is a significant skip and there's no reason not to use a horizontal rule (hard break) to delineate the sections. That said, it might be worth keeping the horizontal rule out, so the flow -- nee, progression -- is not so greatly disturbed.

Genre: Moody Blues

Thoughts: I am contractually obligated to acknowledge this story’s eye-catching first line, which contains at least 20% more semen than the average frontispiece. It takes a lot of spunk to kick a story off like that. I’d call it a master stroke, but it’s already getting deep in here.

However, a story does not live by its first line alone, and that’s where this gets sticky for me. (Okay, sorry, I’m done.) This is clearly aiming at being a melancholy mood piece, which is fine; I’ve written some of those myself. But I think the crux of those kinds of stories lies in building an emotional connection between the reader and the character struggling with melancholy, and right now I don’t feel like this quite achieves that. Spitfire comes off as abrasive not only in her current dissatisfaction, but more importantly, in the tone of her relationship with Soarin. Again: I’ve written abrasive characters in relationships, so I’m not complaining about that kind of dynamic for its own sake. My issue here is more that it’s not getting through to me.

This is where it gets tricky for me as someone not merely sharing impressions about the work, but also as someone voting on it. It’s probable that the Author is aiming at placing Spitfire on the less-likable end of melancholy, in which case, the story is succeeding. But I struggle to find that entirely satisfying without a deeper treatment of Spitfire’s and Soarin’s relationship. I’ll give a +1 to >>Trick_Question’s review as providing some more thoughts on that front. (Missed ya, Trick; glad we’re both back.) Bottom line, it hurts seeing the gulf between these two—but it really hurts not getting enough meat on that relationship’s bones to understand the true depth (or lack thereof) in their shared(?) misery.

But but butt, while I have beef with the execution of the emotional link, I have to say that the stylistic and compositional aspects of this mostly run strong to excellent. This is a smooth read all the way down, and the ending flourish with the music is pretty satisfying. There are a couple of mild typos that stick out as I pore over the work, but that’s probably because I’m actively seeking what else I might take from it. And I find myself poring over it because the material has a generally high level of quality.

Author, please don’t get discouraged here. I bet this will sing with even another 250 words of expansion.

Tier: Keep Developing

Genre: Top Contender

Thoughts: Wait, sorry, I was supposed to make a dad-joke there about the genre. Must’ve been a Freudian slip about the tier I’m putting this in, because it’s amazing and I refuse to stop gushing about it.

I mean, look at this:

For a few moments, they watched the water, as if it might do something other than ripple.

LOOK AT IT. It’s dead perfect considering the situation going on here. It gives actual breathing room between the focal characters, when most minifics feel like they’re four pounds of story crammed into a three-pound tin. It also represents the Author having a bit of fun with us readers while simultaneously sneaking in a deeply relevant bit of world- (or at least setting-) building.

Yes, I get the argument that others have made about the story not fully explaining why Fluttershy is best substitute dreamweaver. Nor does it explain why her, Dash, and Pinkie are the only candidates. However, for me anyway, I feel like that represents the Author taking a calculated risk with trusting the readers to fill in the blanks with our knowledge of canon characters and their characterization. I can totally buy that Dash would be brash enough to try—and fail. Of course Pinkie would gleefully give it a go. And I can buy that Flutters has grown enough in her bravery over the years to be willing to try—and that she has an inner calmness and sense of empathy for others that would be deep enough to give her a chance to succeed.

But that’s just me making peace with the headcanon here. Everything else is beautifully crafted, and presented without the barest hint of haste. This is what the true marriage of concept and execution can look like in a minific.

Which brings me back to where I started.

Tier: Top Contender

>>KwirkyJ
Gordian Knot

I don't think the analogy is strong, but that must be it.

Very nice:

Very dark, yes, but Cadance has always had a touch of squickiness to her ever since we watched her zap a couple arguing ponies till hearts appeared above their heads during Twilight's flashback way back in Part One of "Canterlot Wedding."

Like others, I wondered about the voice in her head, and I'll definitely suggest that the story might be stronger without it. Just give us Cadance, alone in her skull like the rest of us, struggling and failing against her own baser nature when confronted with something she really, really wants.

Mike

>>KwirkyJ

being lustful, sexual, agape, or what.

I think lustful, sexual, and "agape" ;) all mean pretty much the same thing. :trollestia:

>>KwirkyJ
Thanks. I totes didn't know the site encouraged those.

Personally, I don't like soft breaks in a format where every paragraph is already separated by a blank line. It looks more like a mistake, and it distracts me. This is especially true in a minific: do you really need two kinds of scene break if your entire fic is less than 751 words? But a lot of this is just my personal preference.

I'll just agree:

With everybody. :)

For my money, though, this needs to be goofier than it is--and it's already pretty goofy--for the end to work. I'll suggest keeping the external, omniscient narrator, but giving him--or her--more of a presence, more of a distinct voice. Someone sort of like Discord who knows everything that's going on and is gleefully happy to tell us most of it so that the last line feel more like a character winking at us than the author doing something for effect.

Mike

This has a really cute idea, and it's basically perfect in scope and reach for a minific. I think the payoff is basically perfect for what this fic is trying to do.

I will have to note, though, that I think the first section of this story definitely feels the weakest to me. You've done a great job of immediately informing us of Flurry's age and current status, but there's no strong hook or conflict until Cadance walks into the room. So we end up spending about 250 words⁠—which is a very non-trivial amount of time in a minific⁠—kind of spinning our wheels.

Another thing that I'd like to kind of point out from my reading experience, is that while your prose definitely gets the job done, you might want to look into varying your sentence structure a little. There's a tendency in the non-dialogue prose for a lot of shorter, rapid-fire, single-clause sentences to come one right after the other. Short sentences are great for making the statements feel punchy, but when you've got so many of them all together, it can wear on the reader and make it feel like you're reading a shopping list of events, rather than a single cohesive experience. Good news is, this tendency virtually does not exist at all in your dialogue, so the only bits that were really impacted was the first section.

So, in terms of suggestions, I think I'd focus on that opening, if I were you. I really think that finding a way to introduce the conflict a little faster and working on your sentence-to-sentence flow would really make this piece feel a lot more grabbing, from start to finish.

Thank you for submitting!

Genre: Ship Tease

Thoughts: Just when you thought that the Writeoff was immune to the whole Loot Box/DLC menace from the gaming world, you get a shipfic where the identity of Dash’s lover doesn’t actually get revealed in the base story—you’ve gotta wait for at least the first expansion. I for one do not welcome our new paid content overlords.

...I kid, Author, I kid. Although the story does lean very hard on its narration to present the ancillary actions & intrigues floated by the supporting cast, which makes it feel rather on the telly side. That’s not to say it’s a slog, though; the text offers some very strong moments that keep it entertaining and engaging. For instance, the “living and dead” line was funny and very Pinkie, while the “bloodstained arena of romance” line conjures a fantastic mental image.

But candidly, I’m not quite sold on the resolution. I think the concept of the unresolved identity is fun, and we do get some amount of information about what Dash feels for this lover. However, that part feels unbalanced because it’s so short. I think the rest of the story’s telly aspects wouldn’t stand out as much if we could drop into something more tangible (dare I say, perhaps even a bit sensual) at this moment. There are hints of it now, but IMO it just needs more.

Flesh that out a bit, though, and I’ll consider buying the inevitable “season pass.”

Tier: Almost There

Genre: The Voices Made Me Do It

Thoughts: Ah, Writeoff controversy—how I’ve missed you. Today it’s Cadence putting the magic roofie on Shining Armor against the wishes of The Voice. Frankly I’ve seen both worse, and worse-executed. And as a side note, going by the names, my money’s on the opening couple being the parents of Cozy Glow. (Dun dun dunnnn...)

Overall, the text here is very clean. From a storytelling perspective, while it could be dissatisfying not to know who or what The Voice is, I think the story provides enough vague allusions to its purpose, and shows strength in The Voice’s and Cadence’s interactions, to get away with leaving it an unsolved mystery. I think it’s something worth keeping; it adds a lot of intrigue to see another entity speaking into her head.

But while this is a well-written slice-of-mystery, it definitely ends up asking a truckload of interesting questions without answering most of them. Perhaps even bigger than the identity question is the question about the ramifications of our heroine’s mind-screw of Shining Armor. The story acknowledges that potential consequences exist, but it leaves that hanging. IMO that crosses the line from intriguing to maddening.

And yet, I keep coming back to the story’s cleanliness and strong usage of its space. I also see little touches that incline me to nudge it over some other competitors. For instance, the detail of her wings moving involuntarily when she uses her horn makes total sense since she started as a pegasus, not a unicorn. Same with why she spends time with a remedial magic teacher.

While I do wish there were more consequences for her messing with Shining Armor (which, let us be clear, is not cool), the sheer weight of those other little details eventually win me over.

Tier: Strong

>>CoffeeMinion

my money’s on the opening couple being the parents of Cozy Glow

Oh, that's clever... but I doubt it was intentional. If I'd done this (didn't, wish I did though, I ranked it second) I would have provided more. An unnamed earth pony and a unicorn with "Glow" in his name and no other descriptors of either isn't enough to foreshadow this (and Cozy's a pegasus, which makes it even more unexpected).

Genre: Princess Fight

Thoughts: This is one of those stories where I don’t end up feeling personally invested in what’s going on, but I can’t really argue with the structure, execution, or much else. Moody teen(?) Flurry duking it out with shippy mama is kind of a miss for me. But that’s hardly the author’s fault, and I’m not deducting points for it.

So let’s pick at a couple things that I think would help punch this up regardless.

My first bone to pick is about Flurry Heart’s age. Honestly, I thought she was around six or eight until the line where Cadance is likened to being “the teenager.” That was a big swerve for me! I very much felt that she was written younger based on her word choice and overall attitude. Furthermore, it pushes the bounds of plausibility about the M6’s status. Surely by the time Flurry is 13, which might be 15 if not closer to 20 years after the show’s debut, more than just Fluttershy would’ve gotten hitched/attached? I dunno. Props for leaving room for muh Fluttercord, tho. Regardless, some greater clarity here would be helpful.

Let’s also pick a bit on Cadance. IMO it’s rather overly convenient that she just happens to be wandering by at this moment. I think there’s a wasted opportunity for some kind of “call your mother” threat/joke (backed up by Cadance’s ability to teleport down quickly)—like maybe Starlight is tired of Flurry not listening to her, or AJ is tired of Starlight “not dealin’ properly” with the disrespectful filly (of indeterminate age). I do think Cadance’s outburst at the end could work, though I’m with >>KwirkyJ in thinking it’d be vastly funnier to have Cadance Kool-Aid-Mare it into the Rarity/AJ thing rather than yelling at her daughter. I’m not overly offended by the parent-at-child outburst (God knows parenthood is neither easy nor practiced by perfect people/ponies), but again, I feel like it’s it’s not maximizing the available humor potential.

However, bottom line, I think this works very well at being a non-serious bit of meta humor. Yeah there are some things I’d do differently if it was mine, but it’s not, and I can’t deny that it works, even though it’s not entirely my thing.

Tier: Strong Almost There — My apologies, Author, but through no fault of yours I found this ended up shifting tiers when I sat down and went back over my final voting slate in toto. I ended up changing around a couple stories that I had planned to abstain or not abstain on, which threw off a couple of my planned rankings.

Genre: PTSD(?)

Thoughts: What is going on with Fluttershy?

No, seriously—I’m getting alarm bells all over her words, tone, actions, et cetera. Forget the uncomfortable moments where everyone else seems to go back and forth about the topic at hand—I’m totally worried about what must’ve happened to Fluttershy to make her so completely fearful of the ultimately very mild discussion that unfolds.

I am distracted by this.

Twilight’s perspective scans fine enough for me. She doesn’t register as the most romantically-minded pony for me anyway, and I can buy the thought that love, marriage, romance, and sex are things she sees as being for “someone else” (at least for the moment). The others have views that feel mostly internally consistent; props for AJ’s hilarious bit about her suitors’ financials, as well as Rarity’s apparent sensitivity to Fluttershy’s discomfort. But again, Flutters is just freaking out here, and I find myself doing so right along with her.

Here’s where I feel this goes from just my personal beef with the story into (hopefully) a more objective criticism, though: the story does an awful lot to set up Fluttershy’s extreme aversion to the topic at hand, including doing a head-fake opening with it. To me, that’s not just a moment of standard-issue “Fluttershy is shy” characterization; it’s an indicator that there’s more going on. It’s the thing the story leads with, and it just keeps popping up over and over again. It’s too persistent to ignore, and it’s expressed in a way that signals to me that it shouldn’t be ignored.

So, bottom line, I think this either needs to pay off Fluttershy’s situation through some kind of direct engagement, or the story has way overplayed its depiction of her, and the Author should consider dialing it back. I think that would also help bolster the substance of the discussion. Right now they each kind of joust at each other’s perspectives, but then walk away after the first pass; instead, it might be more satisfying to let someone’s viewpoint change, if only a little.

However, I realize I’ve been mostly negative here, which means I’m not doing my job very well. I think this is excellent at setting up a moment of believably-characterized discussion that we’d never see in the show. It also successfully hooks my interest and gets me emotionally invested, even if it’s not quite in the thing that might’ve been intended.

Tier: Keep Developing

After a couple of reads and then some, I came away from this story liking this more than I not. Regarding the positives, I like how simple and straightforward everything is. It's paced rather evenly, and though the structure's a little disjointed for my taste, looking more like a vignette than a steady linear scene, I think the writing is crisp and concise enough to hold on its own. I do think that the prose could be a little smoother at some points, as I find that some of the sentences describing her actions could be discarded in favor of building upon the tone and giving the story in general a bit more focus than I would like. It's a matter of personal preference ultimately, but I think that had the story's narrative crux been any bit weaker, the bare-bones tell-y approach with the prose would fail to make this entry as memorable as it was.

On the issue of making Ditzy have dementia, I'm okay with any depictions of disabilities, both physical and mental— or any heavy-leaning subject matter really, just as long as it's done tastefully. Whether it's done with good intentions, I find, is irrelevant to the conversation, because it'll ultimately lead to a discussion about the author over the entry. For me, as long as the impaired person / pony / princess of power is portrayed with proper nuance, then I can give the story its merits. This story does it rather well, though I chalk it up to it being delivered here with the effort in succinctness and subtlety more than the context of its depiction in of itself.

That being said, I think you did write yourself into an interesting double-edged dilemma here with choosing her as your character. For one, her canonic happy-go-lucky personality definitely helped push this story forward, no question. It definitely is to your story's benefit to choosing someone with her carefreeness to lead your story onward. If I replaced her with almost anyone else, I think it'll tip over the delicate balance of bittersweet that this story has going for it.

On the contrary, Ditzy has almost always been a character defined by her physical impairments, even canonically, so to see another iteration of that does make the entry feel a bit reductive. It's objectively miles better than having it be focused on her clumsiness, I'll say that much, but it still makes me wish that she could be defined beyond 'a mare that has disabilities', as nice as this entry executed on that front. Looking at what you have here, I think you could probably expand upon the aspect of Ditzy as a mother more. You know, highlight how all the things she does for Dinky in spite of her issues, that sorta thing. To put it simply, I want to see more of Ditzy past her disabilities.

Overall, I think this entry did just enough on all fronts to hold itself together without falling apart. I'm definitely looking forward to seeing an expanded version of this if you're planning any.

Thanks for writing, and good luck!

It's not every day that I like a story written in a letter format. Having read this a few times, I definitely came away liking this more than I don't, no question, mostly because I can visualize the very moment that Vinyl was writing this letter as I read it. I really liked how the first few paragraphs seemed to be just her saying whatever that's on her mind before she finally gets to the point later on and even then, it's like a mishmash of everything she's coming up on the spot. It really gives this story the essence that yes, this letter was written for purposes of writing a letter and not sounding like a story formatted as one, so props.

I do agree with the others that the central conflict that Vinyl seems to be having is a bit too vague. Whether or not it affects my experience with my story negatively, however, I'm still on the fence about. On one hand, I do feel frustrated that we never really get a clear idea of what exactly is the rolling stone that kickstarted this whole mess in the first place. We're given a collage that gives a rough semblance but really nothing concrete. On the other hand, it does seem to me that Vinyl has no clue why Octavia behaved the way she did either, which makes her frustration seamlessly translates into our own. Everything seems so incomprehensible on Octavia's part, yet it is exactly why Vinyl's so livid here. In the end, whether or not this works for someone, I think, depends on their mileage. As for my own, I think I can vibe with this.

Definitely interested to see where you might be taking this, should you plan to.

Thanks for writing, and good luck!

Seeing >>CoffeeMinion's comment made me realize that I'd rather discarded some of the nuance of Fluttershy here, so I went back and re-read this. Not that I'm completely agreeing with his assessment (I have it on good authority that Coffee is a he), but a reader can definitely find troubling implications without much effort.

Fluttershy's reactions do seem quite vehement if it is a matter of mere discomfort with the idea of sex -- more keeping with the concept being repugnant or paralytic. Given that she recoils from the idea of marriage as much as sex (and, tending to so many animals for so long, she must have had some exposure to sex, if not first-hoof), this might also imply a far deeper issue. Tangential, Rarity is at least aware of Fluttershy's discomfort, but, instead of really being sympathetic, her words taken literally might imply that Fluttershy must at some point in the future have to have sex; this could be no more malicious than Rarity simply misinterpreting Fluttershy's demeanor, but if that's the case why is she the only one to address Fluttershy's concerns at all (I know -- word count).

Tying this back into my original comment, I think it really comes down to the text lacking a distinct purpose -- there is a hodgepodge of well-written but incongruous ideas.

Very nice:

In some writing course I took during my college days more than three decades ago, the professor talked about pacing with an example very much like this, nothing but plain ol' words thickening time till it crawled like molasses. I enjoyed it then, and I enjoy it here and now, too.

It could use some polishing as other folks have said. I personally would prefer that this be an actual accident, that Dash has resigned herself to doing things slow because she thinks Twilight wants things slow, but one of her usual training spin-outs sends her careening in through the window toward her Meeting with Destiny. I'd also like more of Twilight's thoughts--have her notice how romantic the weather's been lately and have her put everything together in the instant we're observing here. But, hey. you've gotta expand it to at least 1,000 words to post it on FimFiction. right? :)

Mike

This story feels more like an excerpt from a larger scene than a proper scene itself, in that it lacks a central plot point tying all the narrative threads together to form a cohesive whole. Now, it's not necessarily a bad thing for a story to do that, though there's not really much I can garner here story-wise. Looking at it like this, I'm clueless as to what lead up to this conversation as well as what happened right after this. It just feels aimless as a story, lacking a great deal of focus in its messaging, perhaps lacking a message even.

Judging it as a scene, the dialogue is pretty fun. I kinda like the exchange between the Mane Six here. As fun as it is, however, I was hoping that it would go beyond just padded girl talk and unfortunately, that doesn't seem to be the case. The conversation doesn't seem to want to lead anywhere beyond the girls giving out their perspectives and prospects on marriage and sex. There's nothing wrong with that, of course, but with how it's contextualized here (or really lacking any context to speak of) it just feels like such a throwaway moment that I struggled to really sympathize with whatever's going on. Simply put, the fact that Applejack can just wholeheartedly dismiss this whole conversation they're having and the rest complying almost immediately basically describes how I feel about this story.

I think ultimately where the story fails is basically at answering the question of why they are having a conversation like this in the first place? What led them to start up this discussion, as brief as it ended up to be? I'm all for seeing the Mane Six banter with each other but there needs to be an attempt made at giving us an idea of the larger picture at play here instead of just tossing out sentences indicating their opinions on a certain topic. Otherwise, every line they'll deliver is going to be tepid, no matter how in-character or comedic or... really, whatever it's supposedly trying to depict.

Thanks for writing, and good luck!

This is definitely one of the more accomplished stories of the bunch that does an incredible job within the minuscule range. The idea, though familiar, is delivered here with a fresh coat of paint with not a drop wasted. The tone is rather nonchalant and to the point in a way that's almost reflective of Cadance's demeanor, starkly contrasting the horror of what's actually happening. The pacing is frighteningly neat and even. and the dialogue, though a little straightforward, does its job of breathing life into the entry. The fact that it raises so many intriguing questions by the end of it all is a testament to how impactful the story is in general.

I gotta say, I've spent a good chunk of an hour before writing out this pseudo-review mulling over this story and trying to look for even the smallest thing to gripe about and the only thing I can come up with is the possibility that we might not be getting any more from this. Hoping to see an expanded version of this, dear Author.

Thanks for writing, and good luck!

So if I'm interpreting things correctly, I'm left thinking that this is actually a really cool case of pushing the SoL genre to a very purist form. And honestly, for me, it worked like a charm. The voicing is pretty much on point all around, which is essential when all we're doing is spending time with the six of them talking. The flow of their conversation feels natural, and there are a lot of cool little details that kind of imply some plot threads that feed into and go on from this scene, although we're never meant to really see them develop. Overall, I'm kind of surprised by how much I ended up liking this (quotation marks heavily in use) "pointless" focus of the piece.

Looking over our other reviews, it looks like my reading wasn't the norm, so if you really did mean for the readers to have the experience that I did, there might be room to improve.

I'm seeing that a fair number of reviews mention one or two things that threw them off, and these tend to be elements or motiffs introduced closer to the beginning. I can't help but think that this is kind of natural, given any reader's tendency when going into a minific to try to discern the "point" of the story ASAP. This might be a case of the readers attributing a higher degree of importance to elements that you did not consider to be the central point.

The way I see it, you've kind of got two ways to try to mitigate this kind of misinterpretation. One, would be to give them a perfunctory/distraction hook/conflict, and then have that bit quietly resolved somewhere in the middle when the reader is already in the flow of things. This might still make the readers wonder what the overall point of the story was, but at least they won't be desperately grabbing onto things in the first 1/3 or so of the story, looking for conflicts that won't be resolved.

The other option, would be to somehow convey to the reader that this conversation has no "point". This would be the ideal situation, but is a lot more difficult to pull off. I had a similar problem for a Wake, a story I did a while back with an obvious question that was not meant to be answered. Conveying this kind of information within the story itself might be clumsy, so personally, I think your best bet would be to have a really disarming title that somehow primes the reader to not expect a conflict. IDK, just spitballing at this point.

So anyway, I liked this piece very much, and I really wished more readers had similar experiences to mine. On the chance that I'm entirely wrong about how to interpret this fic as a whole, please accept my embarrassed apologies.

Thanks for writing!

I really like the idea behind this. Compartmentalizing the Mane 6 really lets you focus your wordcount on delivering a bunch of jokes without having to worry about transitions or the like, which is a really clever choice. As for the scene-lets themselves, my reactions were kinda mixed, going from a vague amusement (Pinkie) to out-loud laughing (Applejack).

I think the weakest part of this story is the last scene with AB and Zecora. It's the longest by far, but like all the others it only has one joke, which makes it feel dragged-out in a way. While I agree with CoffeeMinion that AB doing potions is a criminally underused aspect of her character, I thought that the ultimate explanation for all these shenanigans felt kind of perfunctory. I almost think it would have been better not to have an explanation at all. After all, this is character deconstruction humor, so it's almost funnier if the story just presented these scenes as what the Mane 6 do on the reg.

So, much like my experience with Love, Death, & Robots, I had a generally mixed reaction to this piece, but I can't deny that I was entertained by it as a whole. Thank you for entering!

>>KwirkyJ

(I have it on good authority that Coffee is a he)

hot

>>WritingSpirit
"Horror" is a great word for this, because I think you can miss it in the subtlety. But I think Cadance doing the voice's bidding is just as much "horror" (if not more!) than making her choice with Shiny.

>>KwirkyJ
>>CoffeeMinion
Just an outside comment now that this has come up a couple of times. I'm not sure how anypony can read this as Flurry Heart being younger than high school age. Her dialogue is markedly adult. Drawing a picture of a wedding dress complete with bows is not something a small child can (or would) do. Applejack only teaches teenagers and adults. Flurry is insolent and perhaps indolent (I don't agree with >>No_Raisin that she's being petty or a bitch, though Cadence is absolutely being both), and she's still beholden to her mother, so she's obviously an older teen. Nothing else fits, and there are no misleading hints that she's some other age. Initially I thought she might be younger than teen, but it doesn't take long for the story to establish it firmly.

Maybe some of this is because we have expectations for the characters. I don't expect Flurry to be a child when she's not clearly a baby, but I've written multiple stories where she's an adult. (And also one where she's ninety-seven years old but still acts like a teenager emotionally due to slow maturation rate for alicorns, which is canon (see JotS).) Perhaps that makes it less likely for me to assume she's going to be very young.

>>Trick_Question
also: "hot Coffee" lol

So this goes for a similar style to that of "Return to Sender", in which the point of the story is the moment-to-moment conversation itself. It's a really cool execution of the SoL concept, and definitely think that by having a very clearly defined topic of conversation, this story does a better job of preventing reader confusion/distraction about the point of the story.

Now, I hate to make this a comparison game, but I'm going to have to note that I didn't quite feel as invested/hooked by this one as I did for "Return to Sender". I think a lot of this has to do with how the conversation here comes across.

An overwhelming majority of the words in this story are spent in dialogue, and what little wordcount that isn't directly being spoken are mostly being spent in "said"-sentences. Combined with the fact that the Flower Trio are not exactly the most distinguishable set of ponies, gives this piece a bit of talking heads syndrome. Nobody's voice comes across extremely strongly, and the result is that I'm left scrolling up multiple times to remind myself who said what, and whose opinion was conflicting with whose.

Exacerbating the problem is the fact that there's just so little significant/meaningful non-dialogue action happening. A lot of sentences are devoted to describing the trio eat, which is not particularly insightful to what they're thinking/feeling. And a lot of the times where we do get an emotional description, it's redundant or reiterating what was already clear in the dialogue. An example would be the sentence that begins with "Daisy looked up at the sky...".

So basically, I think there are a number of things you could do to try to mitigate the talking-heads feeling that personally made it difficult for me to feel invested. I heavily agree with Baal Bunny that having a more grounded perspective might help in this regard.

Like I said earlier, I still really like the idea and concept of this story, and I had fun with it. So, thank you for entering this round!

This one is my favourite.

I've been experimenting with omniscient narration and wondering if it could be done effectively (and to my tastes) in a minific, and I decided that it couldn't and that I shouldn't try. And then you went and did it.

Really my only suggestion is to just use the characters' names. Calling them by their race adds a weird cheekiness to the narrator when they're better suited to being the least opinionated they can be.

Thanks for writing!

>>Trick_Question
I think it depends on the kid. Definitely by 7 or so they can be pretty capable in terms of speech, artistic ability, or whatnot. Of course they’re far from mature or well-rounded by that point, so they might have a surprising capacity for one thing while being entirely average at others. But given that the text establishes quite early on that she’s a prodigy, I guess that’s where my head went.

(Somewhere, somehow, this must surely be my children’s fault.) :-p

Clevery, but extremely telly, driven by narration and description rather than character action or dialogue. I don't think that's necessarily a mark against this entry, because I don't think stories like that are inherently bad.

But I also don't think there's a story here, though. Rainbow Dash has a mystery lover, and nobody can guess who it is. That's about all this story has going for it right now; there's no actual plot, nothing to narrate besides the town's gossip.

And it culminates in, well. Nothing. I don't think there's a point to the mystery, because there's no resolution to it, or even breadcrumbs from which the reader can infer an answer.

I could see a really good story coming out of this: Dashie's friends trying to figure out her girlfriend, and the gossip inspiring the town to start prying into her personal affairs. Plot, progression, character work. Right now, it's just an idea. A witty idea, with some funny observations about shipping, and specific ships in particular, but still raw.

There are some extraordinarily meta entries this round...

I'm battling half a week's worth of fatigue and sleep deprivation as I write these reviews, and my brain is kind of... mushy. So I'm afraid I won't be able to contribute much to the discourse surrounding this story.

But the point I got from this story is that it's less about the metacommentary on Twilight-centric shipping, and more about the friendship, possible attraction, between Lily and Rose. I base that interpretation on the fact that the story ends with a pretty obvious ship-tease between them, not to mention, how many of Lily's barbs toward Roseluck have to do with her love life.

As an old fan of the Ask The Flower Trio blog (now defunct), I approve! And I would suggest leaning more heavily into that for any revisions that you put together. You might consider having Lily and Rose invest some of their own qualities into their descriptions of Twilight's hypothetical romances. For instance, if one ships her with Pinkie and the other with Rarity, what does their choice say about them, and what they want in love?

Or... whatever. I'm tired. Leave me alone.

I'm going to agree with the other commenters praising this story's character work; what sets this apart is just how authentic all the Mane Six feel, how natural their voices are. It's all dialogue, and while I don't think that works entirely in the story's favor (no arc, no real story being told besides the conversation), it's at least entertaining dialogue to read.

I don't think that Prude Twilight works, however. Inexperienced and awkward, I can buy, but you make her sound like a puritanical teenager. Like as soon as this story ends, she's gonna have to run off to Confession and pray for the salvation of her sinful friends' souls.

...Prude Fluttershy, I can give you, however.

Genre: Heartstring-tuggin’

Thoughts: Unlike some of my heartless colleagues, I felt that the emotional content here rang true. Skydancer doesn’t get much screen time, but I think she made a strong impression through the physical actions and feelings that she’s given in her introduction. And seeing as how she casts a shadow over the whole rest of the story, that’s important. I could see this being less satisfying if she didn’t, but she does IMO. (Plus she’s basically an OC, so that’s bonus points.)

The scene with Derpy flying was very vivid. I keep being surprised at how short it is when I look back over it, because it leaves an outsized impression. There’s an earnestness in Derpy’s actions in that scene which carries through into her conversation with Dinky.

And during that conversation, both Derpy and Dinky have this pure yearning and sense of determination... maybe I’m overly sentimental, but it moves me. And when Dinky mentions Starlight, I can’t help but think that’s a good choice on the Author’s part. Glimmy is the one pony with the combination of sheer power and questionable decision-making to actually help her peer beyond the veil.

If I’m going to poke at anything, it’s Dinky’s flimsily transparent authorially mandated insomnia. But that’s a quick fix. Literally anything else would work there.

Tier: Strong

Things I liked:

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...

Things I didn't like:

The seamen.

7/10

>>Miller Minus
Miller, you are to be hung by the neck until dead in the morn.

What will your last meal be, you scoundrel?

>>Anon Y Mous
seeds

>>Miller Minus
Poor choice of words.

>>No_Raisin
seeds is one word

>>Miller Minus
And now it's not. I decree it so.

>>No_Raisin
>>Miller Minus
>>Anon Y Mous
“Seeds-men”

Genre: OKAY JUST STOP YOU’RE THE BETTER WRITER, GOSH

Thoughts: I was going to abstain on this one because I really don’t feel like it earns the “years” line at the end. I came back to it to make sure that I was certain of my decision. Then the overwhelming descriptive writing in the rest of the story made me realize that it’d be unreasonable to not upvote this solely because I had a quibble Pants with the end. So here we are.

Author, I feel that the story’s strength lies in how it takes a frozen moment in time and writes the absolute heck out of it. I also feel that it jeopardizes said strength by suddenly reaching for a “happily ever after” at the end. Others have asked if this is an unwilling kiss; I’m not picking up on that vibe (and its unfortunate implications) myself. But what I do feel is that the ship isn’t adequately built up to justify years of happiness thereafter. Sure, Dash is into Twilight; but Twilight is presented as being uncertain what (or who) she wants. Like, the story spends time establishing that and not establishing even fleeting interest in Dash. If you want to end with happily ever after, I need some help seeing that Twilight is going to be down for this.

But let’s be honest, this is amazing writing, and it should be recognized as such.

Tier: Top Contender