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Lover
Rainbow Dash had been in love for several weeks before anypony knew about it, and had she not let her tongue slip it would have no doubt continued as such.
It all began, innocently enough, when Pinkie Pie asked Rainbow if she was free for some evening prank-pulling and general tomfoolery, to which Rainbow said she sadly couldn't, and in fact was getting ready for a date.
"A date?" inquired Pinkie, noticing the word.
Appearing as if she were about to sweat up a storm, Rainbow said quickly, "A what now?"
"You just said you were going on a date!"
"I didn't say that," replied Rainbow, as honest as a politician.
"Nooooooo," cooed Pinkie. "Oh my gosh, you have a special somepony? Tell me!" Her eyes alight with stars, Pinkie took the first opportunity to pester Rainbow about her supposed love life. "Tell me, tell me, tell me—"
But before she could get in another "tell me," Rainbow took off at an impressive speed, even by her standards. Figuring she had let the cat out of the bag and that the cat would not be persuaded to return to its baggy home, she said nothing more on the matter. Of course, this didn't stop Pinkie from being sure of what she heard, and it didn't take long at all for her to spread the word.
First Pinkie and Rainbow's mutual friends—how surprisingly many of them there are. Then the Cakes, then Cheerilee, then Roseluck and her cronies, then Mayor Mare, then practically all of Ponyville in the span of—say—two hours.
By the following day everypony, both living and dead somehow, knew that Rainbow Dash, the most emotionally stunted mare in the whole town, and perhaps for hundreds of kilometers as well, had a special somepony. It was agreed, albeit without words, among the former Elements of Harmony that the very last of them to get a special somepony—supposing that ever happened—would be Rainbow Dash. The assumed fact that Rainbow would take eons to enter the bloodstained arena of romance was not necessarily due to her faults, although it kind of was.
Yet here she was, apparently going out with somepony, except... except nopony knew who this mystery pony was. And if Pinkie Pie didn't know, then it was indeed a complete mystery.
Naturally, just about everypony had his or her own hypothesis as to whom Rainbow's special somepony could be.
Twilight Sparkle thought that maybe Rainbow and Rarity were dating behind everypony's backs, while Rarity thought that it was actually Twilight who was Rainbow's special somepony. Applejack, being the type of mare to not make assumptions about the love lives of others, didn't particularly care about who Rainbow was with, so long as he or she treated her right. Meanwhile, Fluttershy suspected that that Rainbow and Applejack were now an item, since she was still new to the eternal game of pairing one's friends with whomever in a romantic fashion, and she wasn't too creative about possible romantic partners anyhow. Thus, it was easiest for her to think of Rainbow and Applejack as a couple.
Pinkie, being the kind of mare she was, thought that maybe Rainbow had more than one special somepony, and that she was actually part of a harem that had not yet made itself known to Ponyville's gossip world.
When asked about how she came up with such a idea, Pinkie just said, "I saw it in a movie once!"
There were countless other theories being thrown around. Lyra thought that maybe Rainbow was Big Mac's mare on the side, although she was most likely simply projecting in this case. Bon Bon thought that Rainbow being in love was a front, and that she was really a monster from the Everfree Forest in disguise.
Yet none of the gossip mattered to Rainbow herself very much. She never talked about her love life to anypony, and whenever confronted about it she would shoot down the topic in the fastest way possible. Sometimes her cheeks would redden, as if she suddenly thought about something she shouldn't have, but otherwise it was as if she was still single to the world.
On some nights, however, she would make like a thief and meet up with her beloved without anypony seeing her, her heart pounding in the best way imaginable, her mind racing with endless possibilities, her coat aching to be caressed.
Rainbow felt like she could do anything, now that she had a lover, and that her lover was—
It all began, innocently enough, when Pinkie Pie asked Rainbow if she was free for some evening prank-pulling and general tomfoolery, to which Rainbow said she sadly couldn't, and in fact was getting ready for a date.
"A date?" inquired Pinkie, noticing the word.
Appearing as if she were about to sweat up a storm, Rainbow said quickly, "A what now?"
"You just said you were going on a date!"
"I didn't say that," replied Rainbow, as honest as a politician.
"Nooooooo," cooed Pinkie. "Oh my gosh, you have a special somepony? Tell me!" Her eyes alight with stars, Pinkie took the first opportunity to pester Rainbow about her supposed love life. "Tell me, tell me, tell me—"
But before she could get in another "tell me," Rainbow took off at an impressive speed, even by her standards. Figuring she had let the cat out of the bag and that the cat would not be persuaded to return to its baggy home, she said nothing more on the matter. Of course, this didn't stop Pinkie from being sure of what she heard, and it didn't take long at all for her to spread the word.
First Pinkie and Rainbow's mutual friends—how surprisingly many of them there are. Then the Cakes, then Cheerilee, then Roseluck and her cronies, then Mayor Mare, then practically all of Ponyville in the span of—say—two hours.
By the following day everypony, both living and dead somehow, knew that Rainbow Dash, the most emotionally stunted mare in the whole town, and perhaps for hundreds of kilometers as well, had a special somepony. It was agreed, albeit without words, among the former Elements of Harmony that the very last of them to get a special somepony—supposing that ever happened—would be Rainbow Dash. The assumed fact that Rainbow would take eons to enter the bloodstained arena of romance was not necessarily due to her faults, although it kind of was.
Yet here she was, apparently going out with somepony, except... except nopony knew who this mystery pony was. And if Pinkie Pie didn't know, then it was indeed a complete mystery.
Naturally, just about everypony had his or her own hypothesis as to whom Rainbow's special somepony could be.
Twilight Sparkle thought that maybe Rainbow and Rarity were dating behind everypony's backs, while Rarity thought that it was actually Twilight who was Rainbow's special somepony. Applejack, being the type of mare to not make assumptions about the love lives of others, didn't particularly care about who Rainbow was with, so long as he or she treated her right. Meanwhile, Fluttershy suspected that that Rainbow and Applejack were now an item, since she was still new to the eternal game of pairing one's friends with whomever in a romantic fashion, and she wasn't too creative about possible romantic partners anyhow. Thus, it was easiest for her to think of Rainbow and Applejack as a couple.
Pinkie, being the kind of mare she was, thought that maybe Rainbow had more than one special somepony, and that she was actually part of a harem that had not yet made itself known to Ponyville's gossip world.
When asked about how she came up with such a idea, Pinkie just said, "I saw it in a movie once!"
There were countless other theories being thrown around. Lyra thought that maybe Rainbow was Big Mac's mare on the side, although she was most likely simply projecting in this case. Bon Bon thought that Rainbow being in love was a front, and that she was really a monster from the Everfree Forest in disguise.
Yet none of the gossip mattered to Rainbow herself very much. She never talked about her love life to anypony, and whenever confronted about it she would shoot down the topic in the fastest way possible. Sometimes her cheeks would redden, as if she suddenly thought about something she shouldn't have, but otherwise it was as if she was still single to the world.
On some nights, however, she would make like a thief and meet up with her beloved without anypony seeing her, her heart pounding in the best way imaginable, her mind racing with endless possibilities, her coat aching to be caressed.
Rainbow felt like she could do anything, now that she had a lover, and that her lover was—
Author, you are terrible. :ajbemused:
That said, the payoff would be stronger if it were pushed harder as a mystery. I had no reason to wonder who Rainbow was dating, and no clues were provided. Her friends didn't seem to be wondering or trying to figure it out, they just decided on who they thought it was and that was that. You need to make me eager to know the answer in order for the payoff to work, and it's not there yet.
Another problem is that you've eliminated most of the suspects! Since we can see into everypony's minds due to the omniscient way you tell us what they're all thinking, we know it isn't any of her close friends. Having them dialogue over the topic would be much better and less telly.
Either way, you're trying to spin a tale that doesn't fit into 750 words without being extremely telly. I realize the payoff doesn't depend on the telliness, but it would still be better with more horse words and removing some of the explicit qualifications of Dash and the others. Don't tell us what's going on in ponies' minds, show us what they say and provide space for us to come up with our own theories.
Honestly? Despite your intent, I'd like the story much more if you added the word Scootaloo to the end. That's the only right answer, anyway. :scootangel: :dashwild:
(Also, I kind of thought the payoff would be she's in love with herself.)
Loved this.
Now I'm confused, because the time spent on this line suggests I should know what movie she's talking about.
This must be a very unsubtle jab at AppleDash shippers.
It's not clear to me what you mean by this. Is Lyra not with Bon Bon? Does she have somepony on the side? Does she want somepony else? Are you saying she has the hots for Big Mac? For Rainbow Dash? Does she want to cheat on Bon Bon? Does she want Bon Bon to cheat on her? I don't know.
That said, the payoff would be stronger if it were pushed harder as a mystery. I had no reason to wonder who Rainbow was dating, and no clues were provided. Her friends didn't seem to be wondering or trying to figure it out, they just decided on who they thought it was and that was that. You need to make me eager to know the answer in order for the payoff to work, and it's not there yet.
Another problem is that you've eliminated most of the suspects! Since we can see into everypony's minds due to the omniscient way you tell us what they're all thinking, we know it isn't any of her close friends. Having them dialogue over the topic would be much better and less telly.
Either way, you're trying to spin a tale that doesn't fit into 750 words without being extremely telly. I realize the payoff doesn't depend on the telliness, but it would still be better with more horse words and removing some of the explicit qualifications of Dash and the others. Don't tell us what's going on in ponies' minds, show us what they say and provide space for us to come up with our own theories.
Honestly? Despite your intent, I'd like the story much more if you added the word Scootaloo to the end. That's the only right answer, anyway. :scootangel: :dashwild:
(Also, I kind of thought the payoff would be she's in love with herself.)
Pinkie, being the kind of mare she was,
Loved this.
"I saw it in a movie once!"
Now I'm confused, because the time spent on this line suggests I should know what movie she's talking about.
Thus, it was easiest for her to think of Rainbow and Applejack as a couple.
This must be a very unsubtle jab at AppleDash shippers.
...she was most likely simply projecting in this case.
It's not clear to me what you mean by this. Is Lyra not with Bon Bon? Does she have somepony on the side? Does she want somepony else? Are you saying she has the hots for Big Mac? For Rainbow Dash? Does she want to cheat on Bon Bon? Does she want Bon Bon to cheat on her? I don't know.
Somebody's not an AppleDash fan.
Something I liked:
There are several entries this round that are blatant meta-commentaries on shipping, and involve characters shipping other characters, but this one's... kinda weird. I can't tell if the author deliberately downplayed the mystery of Dash's lover, or if they're incredibly inept at developing mysteries, but the sense I get from this is that the mystery doesn't matter. Everyone theorizes over who Dash's lover is, yet the narrative goes out of its way to undermine every one of them, to the point of denying even the reader the lover's identity. I have to respect that. However...
Something I didn't like:
I desperately want to know more about Dash's perspective on all this. We get a few paragraphs about her responses to the gossip, but since the whole thing is told in this very cold, kind of documentary-ish style, we never get much insight into why she's doing what she's doing. It's a shame, because to have Dash be in a relationship and have her be intensely private about it is kind of a neat subversion, but much of it is spent on dry humor and an anticlimactic ending. I don't think it's possible to not feel cheated to some degree here.
Verdict: Fascinating in concept, but the execution leaves something precious to be desired, at least for me.
Something I liked:
There are several entries this round that are blatant meta-commentaries on shipping, and involve characters shipping other characters, but this one's... kinda weird. I can't tell if the author deliberately downplayed the mystery of Dash's lover, or if they're incredibly inept at developing mysteries, but the sense I get from this is that the mystery doesn't matter. Everyone theorizes over who Dash's lover is, yet the narrative goes out of its way to undermine every one of them, to the point of denying even the reader the lover's identity. I have to respect that. However...
Something I didn't like:
I desperately want to know more about Dash's perspective on all this. We get a few paragraphs about her responses to the gossip, but since the whole thing is told in this very cold, kind of documentary-ish style, we never get much insight into why she's doing what she's doing. It's a shame, because to have Dash be in a relationship and have her be intensely private about it is kind of a neat subversion, but much of it is spent on dry humor and an anticlimactic ending. I don't think it's possible to not feel cheated to some degree here.
Verdict: Fascinating in concept, but the execution leaves something precious to be desired, at least for me.
Throwing shade at the AppleDash club here. #ShotsFired
The suspense that tried to come on with the ending didn't really work for me, thanks to the narrator eliminating most suspects before I got to the ending. Reduce the tell factor and let the characters debate it through dialogue and it'd be a much more mysterious read. Still a very neat idea though!
The suspense that tried to come on with the ending didn't really work for me, thanks to the narrator eliminating most suspects before I got to the ending. Reduce the tell factor and let the characters debate it through dialogue and it'd be a much more mysterious read. Still a very neat idea though!
Pinkie (and the whole of Ponyville) seems deeply invested in the mystery identity of Rainbow's interest, but I can't say I ever was; this makes it very easy for me to forget this story.
In-story, I am of two minds about Pinkie, here: on one hoof, she is sufficiently manic when she has a bee in her bonnet that she would just have to know, and would wrangle the entire population to get the answer... on the other, she's also sufficiently empathic that she would show some discretion for her friend who clearly didn't want the cat out of the bag. Clearly the former was chosen, but without the why being given it feels a bit cruel of her.
The curt, precise scenes from the various social clusters mostly worked well enough that it was interesting to see the cross-section of ideas and how they might indicate projection by those ponies. Pinkie suggesting a harem was one of the more bizarre bits, I will admit.
I question how necessary or effective the introduction is -- the focus begins on Dash, but then proceeds to diffuse to all of Ponyville to the exclusion of Dash.
Strikes me as an experiment?
In-story, I am of two minds about Pinkie, here: on one hoof, she is sufficiently manic when she has a bee in her bonnet that she would just have to know, and would wrangle the entire population to get the answer... on the other, she's also sufficiently empathic that she would show some discretion for her friend who clearly didn't want the cat out of the bag. Clearly the former was chosen, but without the why being given it feels a bit cruel of her.
The curt, precise scenes from the various social clusters mostly worked well enough that it was interesting to see the cross-section of ideas and how they might indicate projection by those ponies. Pinkie suggesting a harem was one of the more bizarre bits, I will admit.
I question how necessary or effective the introduction is -- the focus begins on Dash, but then proceeds to diffuse to all of Ponyville to the exclusion of Dash.
Strikes me as an experiment?
I'll just agree:
With everybody. :)
For my money, though, this needs to be goofier than it is--and it's already pretty goofy--for the end to work. I'll suggest keeping the external, omniscient narrator, but giving him--or her--more of a presence, more of a distinct voice. Someone sort of like Discord who knows everything that's going on and is gleefully happy to tell us most of it so that the last line feel more like a character winking at us than the author doing something for effect.
Mike
With everybody. :)
For my money, though, this needs to be goofier than it is--and it's already pretty goofy--for the end to work. I'll suggest keeping the external, omniscient narrator, but giving him--or her--more of a presence, more of a distinct voice. Someone sort of like Discord who knows everything that's going on and is gleefully happy to tell us most of it so that the last line feel more like a character winking at us than the author doing something for effect.
Mike
Genre: Ship Tease
Thoughts: Just when you thought that the Writeoff was immune to the whole Loot Box/DLC menace from the gaming world, you get a shipfic where the identity of Dash’s lover doesn’t actually get revealed in the base story—you’ve gotta wait for at least the first expansion. I for one do not welcome our new paid content overlords.
...I kid, Author, I kid. Although the story does lean very hard on its narration to present the ancillary actions & intrigues floated by the supporting cast, which makes it feel rather on the telly side. That’s not to say it’s a slog, though; the text offers some very strong moments that keep it entertaining and engaging. For instance, the “living and dead” line was funny and very Pinkie, while the “bloodstained arena of romance” line conjures a fantastic mental image.
But candidly, I’m not quite sold on the resolution. I think the concept of the unresolved identity is fun, and we do get some amount of information about what Dash feels for this lover. However, that part feels unbalanced because it’s so short. I think the rest of the story’s telly aspects wouldn’t stand out as much if we could drop into something more tangible (dare I say, perhaps even a bit sensual) at this moment. There are hints of it now, but IMO it just needs more.
Flesh that out a bit, though, and I’ll consider buying the inevitable “season pass.”
Tier: Almost There
Thoughts: Just when you thought that the Writeoff was immune to the whole Loot Box/DLC menace from the gaming world, you get a shipfic where the identity of Dash’s lover doesn’t actually get revealed in the base story—you’ve gotta wait for at least the first expansion. I for one do not welcome our new paid content overlords.
...I kid, Author, I kid. Although the story does lean very hard on its narration to present the ancillary actions & intrigues floated by the supporting cast, which makes it feel rather on the telly side. That’s not to say it’s a slog, though; the text offers some very strong moments that keep it entertaining and engaging. For instance, the “living and dead” line was funny and very Pinkie, while the “bloodstained arena of romance” line conjures a fantastic mental image.
But candidly, I’m not quite sold on the resolution. I think the concept of the unresolved identity is fun, and we do get some amount of information about what Dash feels for this lover. However, that part feels unbalanced because it’s so short. I think the rest of the story’s telly aspects wouldn’t stand out as much if we could drop into something more tangible (dare I say, perhaps even a bit sensual) at this moment. There are hints of it now, but IMO it just needs more.
Flesh that out a bit, though, and I’ll consider buying the inevitable “season pass.”
Tier: Almost There
Clevery, but extremely telly, driven by narration and description rather than character action or dialogue. I don't think that's necessarily a mark against this entry, because I don't think stories like that are inherently bad.
But I also don't think there's a story here, though. Rainbow Dash has a mystery lover, and nobody can guess who it is. That's about all this story has going for it right now; there's no actual plot, nothing to narrate besides the town's gossip.
And it culminates in, well. Nothing. I don't think there's a point to the mystery, because there's no resolution to it, or even breadcrumbs from which the reader can infer an answer.
I could see a really good story coming out of this: Dashie's friends trying to figure out her girlfriend, and the gossip inspiring the town to start prying into her personal affairs. Plot, progression, character work. Right now, it's just an idea. A witty idea, with some funny observations about shipping, and specific ships in particular, but still raw.
But I also don't think there's a story here, though. Rainbow Dash has a mystery lover, and nobody can guess who it is. That's about all this story has going for it right now; there's no actual plot, nothing to narrate besides the town's gossip.
And it culminates in, well. Nothing. I don't think there's a point to the mystery, because there's no resolution to it, or even breadcrumbs from which the reader can infer an answer.
I could see a really good story coming out of this: Dashie's friends trying to figure out her girlfriend, and the gossip inspiring the town to start prying into her personal affairs. Plot, progression, character work. Right now, it's just an idea. A witty idea, with some funny observations about shipping, and specific ships in particular, but still raw.
Interesting, and cute, in its own show-like way. Thank you for writing this.
I really liked the beginning. It’s short, it’s punchy, and it sets up everything you need, except maybe the setting, which may not even be necessary in a story such as this. It does, however, feel slightly disjointed from the bulk of the story, which is more told than shown.
Prose-wise, the story is good. The text flows nicely, and though it is telly, the narrative voice did not feel too 'dry,' or emotionless, to me. I didn't find any typos, though there may be a few spots that could use a touch-up ("make like a thief and meet up with her beloved…" implies that all thieves are hopeless romantics --- though that could just be me nitpicking).
Good work also on Dash's and Pinkie's characterization.
But if I may ask: why exactly is it so bad for Dash that Pinkie, and everypony else, know that she's dating? I could think of a number of reasons (RD being unnecessarily ashamed, or she has to keep her relationships a secret to avoid any undue publicity because she's a Wonderbolt, etc.) but that reason isn’t entirely apparent, or at least it wasn’t for me on the first read-through (especially since it's explicitly said that Dash doesn't care about ponies gossiping about it). As a reader, I would likely be more invested in the story if that reason was physically shown in some manner.
That’s just my thoughts, however. I enjoyed the story as it was, and I want you to know that, author, whatever you choose to do.
Again, thank you for writing!
I really liked the beginning. It’s short, it’s punchy, and it sets up everything you need, except maybe the setting, which may not even be necessary in a story such as this. It does, however, feel slightly disjointed from the bulk of the story, which is more told than shown.
Prose-wise, the story is good. The text flows nicely, and though it is telly, the narrative voice did not feel too 'dry,' or emotionless, to me. I didn't find any typos, though there may be a few spots that could use a touch-up ("make like a thief and meet up with her beloved…" implies that all thieves are hopeless romantics --- though that could just be me nitpicking).
Good work also on Dash's and Pinkie's characterization.
But if I may ask: why exactly is it so bad for Dash that Pinkie, and everypony else, know that she's dating? I could think of a number of reasons (RD being unnecessarily ashamed, or she has to keep her relationships a secret to avoid any undue publicity because she's a Wonderbolt, etc.) but that reason isn’t entirely apparent, or at least it wasn’t for me on the first read-through (especially since it's explicitly said that Dash doesn't care about ponies gossiping about it). As a reader, I would likely be more invested in the story if that reason was physically shown in some manner.
That’s just my thoughts, however. I enjoyed the story as it was, and I want you to know that, author, whatever you choose to do.
Again, thank you for writing!
>>Trick_Question
That would be hilarious.
(Also, I kind of thought the payoff would be she's in love with herself.)
That would be hilarious.
First and foremost, I want to clarify that I can't judge this entry as a story. If I start doing that, the majority of this review is just going to be me restlessly pointing out every singular aspect of this entry and elaborating on why it doesn't work in the typical narrative storytelling format. There's not a story to be had here, Author. Despite that, I think there are some good ideas and decisions at play here. I just wished that these ideas came together in a less rigid and clinical fashion than what's presented here.
I kinda like the idea that the identity of Rainbow Dash's lover, though being the inciting incident of the story, isn't really that important to the story itself. It's nice to see all the speculation going about town personally. Like the others, however, I do wish that we get more of Rainbow's perspective on her lover, especially since she was supposed to be the emotionally-stunted one. If you're telling me this nameless individual could make Rainbow Dash's heart pound, then show me. Convince me that that's the case.
I do like the omniscient narrator approach that this story has going for it. Apart from giving us some funny insights from Ponyville's many residents, it also gives us a variety of names to cross out, which I think heightens our personal suspense more so than the characters in-story. I think it helps invest us in knowing who Rainbow Dash's lover is. It's just that, again, we're never given insight into how and why this nameless individual came to be Rainbow Dash's lover, so the payoff that the suspense had been building up wasn't there. The anticlimactic finale didn't bother me at all for this very reason, in that I was never interested in who this random lover was in the first place.
I think you have some pretty neat ideas here, Author. I just don't think they're as compelling as I think you believe them to be to warrant discarding a more personal approach and letting them hold their own.
Thanks for writing, and good luck!
I kinda like the idea that the identity of Rainbow Dash's lover, though being the inciting incident of the story, isn't really that important to the story itself. It's nice to see all the speculation going about town personally. Like the others, however, I do wish that we get more of Rainbow's perspective on her lover, especially since she was supposed to be the emotionally-stunted one. If you're telling me this nameless individual could make Rainbow Dash's heart pound, then show me. Convince me that that's the case.
I do like the omniscient narrator approach that this story has going for it. Apart from giving us some funny insights from Ponyville's many residents, it also gives us a variety of names to cross out, which I think heightens our personal suspense more so than the characters in-story. I think it helps invest us in knowing who Rainbow Dash's lover is. It's just that, again, we're never given insight into how and why this nameless individual came to be Rainbow Dash's lover, so the payoff that the suspense had been building up wasn't there. The anticlimactic finale didn't bother me at all for this very reason, in that I was never interested in who this random lover was in the first place.
I think you have some pretty neat ideas here, Author. I just don't think they're as compelling as I think you believe them to be to warrant discarding a more personal approach and letting them hold their own.
Thanks for writing, and good luck!
This was a really cool move, to go with the ultra-high-level omniscient narration. To give you a datapoint, it actually worked for me pretty well. I felt engaged, and I got through the piece without feeling like I was being talked at, which is usually the kind of pitfall that can happen with these sorts of arrangements. So, really nice job with crafting your narrative voice, here.
Unfortunately, I think your success that the narration might have been a bit of a double-edged sword, because it did impact my experience with the ending. To be honest, I actually wasn't all that disappointed when the denied reveal came up. I think this has to do with the ultra-high-level prose, which conveys a kind of sense of comfortable detachment from the characters and events of the story, even when—and I'd argue, especially when—it's well done. I kind of just floated through the story in amusement, and in the end, while it was kind of unexpected for Dash's smooch-partner not to be revealed, I didn't have a very profound emotional reaction to this fact, which I suspect you were going for.
So overall, I had fun with this story, no doubt. But I think it couldn't quite pull off its gimmick with me. I'm not sure if this means I'm gonna be rating this higher or lower than I would have if I were pulling my hair out right now, but regardless, thank you for writing!
Unfortunately, I think your success that the narration might have been a bit of a double-edged sword, because it did impact my experience with the ending. To be honest, I actually wasn't all that disappointed when the denied reveal came up. I think this has to do with the ultra-high-level prose, which conveys a kind of sense of comfortable detachment from the characters and events of the story, even when—and I'd argue, especially when—it's well done. I kind of just floated through the story in amusement, and in the end, while it was kind of unexpected for Dash's smooch-partner not to be revealed, I didn't have a very profound emotional reaction to this fact, which I suspect you were going for.
So overall, I had fun with this story, no doubt. But I think it couldn't quite pull off its gimmick with me. I'm not sure if this means I'm gonna be rating this higher or lower than I would have if I were pulling my hair out right now, but regardless, thank you for writing!
I think the strength of the mystery here would be heightened if instead of listing what the mane six thought, you wrote about what they said to others. This leaves it open-ended that one of them is simply lying about the fact that it totally isn't them out of an attempt at modesty or subterfuge. That said, very cute fic, and fantastic job pushing it to 750 words so that you had to cut off the identity.
UwU What's dis?
I guess something had to come in last.
This is the part where I talk about one of the entries I wrote. This is also the part where you go to read what you had written being read back to you. This is the part where...
>>Trick_Question
Yeh.
That was the idea, although, shocking news, readers don't like it when you lie to them.
This is something that can be definitely fixed by having the characters talk about their speculations, as opposed to the narrator telling the reading what these horses are thinking.
I think there's a time and place for "telling" a story, but this was not one of them. There are near-endless possibilities for getting ponies' perspectives on the mystery, and this being a minific greatly limits that.
I regret nothing. RariDash 4 life, my homie.
>>KwirkyJ
It's a tricky thing, because I really want the story (or the humor anyway) to come from characters speculating over Dash's love life, and not Dash's love life itself. How do you make an anti-mystery compelling? How do you simultaneously satisfy and dissatisfy the reader on purpose.
I like to imagine Pinkie as being polyamorous, so if you wanna guess which Pinkie-centered fic is mine in a future round...
The "exclusion of Dash" part was deliberate, although the shift from showing to telling was not. I want to revise this story so as to be consistently showy, ya dig?
>>CoffeeMinion
I've got an idea. Make the story circular so that it starts off with us firmly planted in Dash's shoes, then go back around to us reading from her visceral perspective after the interview sessions with the speculators. Because that's basically what the section with the other ponies would be like.
>>Posh
Kinda reductive, innit? I literally wrote a list for one of my entries once upon a time and Pasco considered that a story, so maybe we just have different definitions for the word.
The problem is that it's an anti-mystery. The reader is discouraged from getting invested in the mystery itself, but not to such a degree that it's obvious that you're not to supposed to take it seriously. It's a comedy, sure, but currently it's dry enough that someone can easily confuse the ultimate joke for failed suspense.
>>Anonymous Potato
The idea that Dash is intensely private about her love life is not so vividly expressed here. My internal reasoning for this is that Dash is one of thosepeople ponies who doesn't like to be affectionate in public, which is kinda true in-show? But of course we've never seen her like that in a romantic context.
>>Flashgen
Yeh.
Well, anyway, I don't feel the need to reply to all these comments. The lads came up some very useful criticisms, so if you're not explicitly mentioned in this retro, don't take it personally. It's just that we can generally agree on what went wrong here, and I already have an idea on how to fix things.
I guess something had to come in last.
This is the part where I talk about one of the entries I wrote. This is also the part where you go to read what you had written being read back to you. This is the part where...
>>Trick_Question
Author, you are terrible.
Yeh.
I had no reason to wonder who Rainbow was dating, and no clues were provided
That was the idea, although, shocking news, readers don't like it when you lie to them.
Her friends didn't seem to be wondering or trying to figure it out, they just decided on who they thought it was and that was that.
This is something that can be definitely fixed by having the characters talk about their speculations, as opposed to the narrator telling the reading what these horses are thinking.
Either way, you're trying to spin a tale that doesn't fit into 750 words without being extremely telly. I realize the payoff doesn't depend on the telliness, but it would still be better with more horse words and removing some of the explicit qualifications of Dash and the others.
I think there's a time and place for "telling" a story, but this was not one of them. There are near-endless possibilities for getting ponies' perspectives on the mystery, and this being a minific greatly limits that.
This must be a very unsubtle jab at AppleDash shippers.
I regret nothing. RariDash 4 life, my homie.
>>KwirkyJ
Pinkie (and the whole of Ponyville) seems deeply invested in the mystery identity of Rainbow's interest, but I can't say I ever was; this makes it very easy for me to forget this story.
It's a tricky thing, because I really want the story (or the humor anyway) to come from characters speculating over Dash's love life, and not Dash's love life itself. How do you make an anti-mystery compelling? How do you simultaneously satisfy and dissatisfy the reader on purpose.
Pinkie suggesting a harem was one of the more bizarre bits, I will admit.
I like to imagine Pinkie as being polyamorous, so if you wanna guess which Pinkie-centered fic is mine in a future round...
I question how necessary or effective the introduction is -- the focus begins on Dash, but then proceeds to diffuse to all of Ponyville to the exclusion of Dash.
The "exclusion of Dash" part was deliberate, although the shift from showing to telling was not. I want to revise this story so as to be consistently showy, ya dig?
>>CoffeeMinion
However, that part feels unbalanced because it’s so short. I think the rest of the story’s telly aspects wouldn’t stand out as much if we could drop into something more tangible (dare I say, perhaps even a bit sensual) at this moment.
I've got an idea. Make the story circular so that it starts off with us firmly planted in Dash's shoes, then go back around to us reading from her visceral perspective after the interview sessions with the speculators. Because that's basically what the section with the other ponies would be like.
>>Posh
But I also don't think there's a story here, though.
Kinda reductive, innit? I literally wrote a list for one of my entries once upon a time and Pasco considered that a story, so maybe we just have different definitions for the word.
I don't think there's a point to the mystery, because there's no resolution to it, or even breadcrumbs from which the reader can infer an answer.
The problem is that it's an anti-mystery. The reader is discouraged from getting invested in the mystery itself, but not to such a degree that it's obvious that you're not to supposed to take it seriously. It's a comedy, sure, but currently it's dry enough that someone can easily confuse the ultimate joke for failed suspense.
>>Anonymous Potato
But if I may ask: why exactly is it so bad for Dash that Pinkie, and everypony else, know that she's dating?
The idea that Dash is intensely private about her love life is not so vividly expressed here. My internal reasoning for this is that Dash is one of those
>>Flashgen
I think the strength of the mystery here would be heightened if instead of listing what the mane six thought, you wrote about what they said to others.
Yeh.
Well, anyway, I don't feel the need to reply to all these comments. The lads came up some very useful criticisms, so if you're not explicitly mentioned in this retro, don't take it personally. It's just that we can generally agree on what went wrong here, and I already have an idea on how to fix things.
>>No_Raisin
No. You're not telling a story. You're giving the backdrop to a story. Calling it as I see it.
Pasc once got into a knife-fight over what color Vinyl was. Let's keep perspective.
Kinda reductive, innit?
No. You're not telling a story. You're giving the backdrop to a story. Calling it as I see it.
Pasc once got into a knife-fight over what color Vinyl was. Let's keep perspective.