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Return to Sender
"Get married?" Fluttershy blurted, her whole body shaking instead of just her head. "I couldn't. Couldn't."
"Exactly!" Twilight looked around at the others gathered in the back parlor of her castle's west wing. "I mean, it's weird, isn't it?"
"Well," Rarity said, drawing the word out and twisting it in ways Twilight wasn't sure she'd ever heard a word twisted. "I wouldn't call it 'weird' per se."
"Yeah!" Pinkie had somehow folded the rind of her lemon slice into a little boat that was now bobbing up and down on the surface of her tea. "I mean, Mr. and Mrs. Cake got married, and Cranky and Matilda. Not to mention your brother and Cadance." She leaped up onto her chair, her forelegs crooked over her head. "Remember? With the changelings and the running and the fighting and the—"
"Okay, okay!" Blowing out a breath, Twilight waved a hoof. "But Starlight and Trixie? They're no older than we are!"
"So?" Applejack leaned back in her chair. "I've already had a couple suitors come calling. Cute enough fellers, but there weren't any sorta 'click' talking to 'em, and their financials didn't check out." She shrugged. "Taking on a husband's one thing, but taking on debt?"
Twilight tried not to gape.
Rarity made a little clicking noise with her tongue. "And they say romance is dead."
The sound Rainbow made with her tongue was a lot ruder. "Some of us have better things to do with our lives, y'know?" Already hovering above her chair, she flipped into a barrel roll. "There's Wonderbolt records to break and monsters to fight and treasures to find and—"
"And you reckon nopony'd be able to keep up with you?" Applejack smirked.
Rainbow swooped across the table to poked Applejack in the chest. "You know it! Anypony wants this prize—" She spun into a pose, hind legs pointed down, her hip cocked, her chest out, and ran one front hoof along herself from withers to flank. "They've gotta earn it."
"Oh, my." Fluttershy had gone as orange as a pumpkin.
"Indeed." If Rarity had been wearing her glasses, Twilight thought, she would've been looking over the tops of them. "Some of us, however, aren't terribly interested in sponsoring athletic competitions for our affections."
"I dunno, Rares." Pinkie's grin spread over her snout like raspberry jam over fresh-baked bread. "Sweaty can be awfully fun when it comes to affections."
"Ha!" Another spin and swoop brought Rainbow over to Pinkie, and the two smacked front hooves. "Now that's what I'm talking about!"
"You mean—" With some effort, Twilight managed to get out, "Sex?"
A shudder passed through all her friends, and Rainbow dropped heavily into her chair. "Yeah, okay." She pointed at Twilight. "That just sounds wrong when you say it."
Twilight's face went hot.
Fluttershy had practically sunk below the surface of the table. "Can we please change the subject?" she whimpered.
"We shall." Rarity reached over to pat Fluttershy's hoof. "Not that there's anything wrong with having the experience."
Applejack gave a nod. "Most natural thing in the world."
"Nor," Rarity went on, Fluttershy blinking at her from behind a barrier built of tea cups and pink hair, "is there anything wrong with postponing the experience."
"May I—?" Fluttershy rose slightly, her eyes bigger than any of the saucers in Twilight's tea set. "May I please never have to think about it ever, ever, ever again?"
Rainbow's snort was practically delicate. "Good luck with that."
"Unless, y'know—" Pinkie gestured to Twilight. "You're the Princess of Friendzoning or something."
"What?" Twilight 's brain felt like a popcorn popper, so many things exploding in it all at once. "What does that even mean?"
"It means," Applejack said, sitting forward and tapping the table, "that we're changing the subject. Y'all going to Rockhoof's storytelling session tonight?"
Twilight blinked. "Popcorn!" Summoning a quill and a piece of parchment, she made a note. "Last week, it occurred to me that popcorn'd go really well with his stories."
"Hey, yeah!" Rainbow sprang into a hover. "And wouldn't it be awesome to have 'em outside? Like in that clearing behind the school! We could set up a bonfire and everything!"
"Perfect!" Twilight let all her disturbing thoughts go and made another note. "That'll be just perfect!"
"Exactly!" Twilight looked around at the others gathered in the back parlor of her castle's west wing. "I mean, it's weird, isn't it?"
"Well," Rarity said, drawing the word out and twisting it in ways Twilight wasn't sure she'd ever heard a word twisted. "I wouldn't call it 'weird' per se."
"Yeah!" Pinkie had somehow folded the rind of her lemon slice into a little boat that was now bobbing up and down on the surface of her tea. "I mean, Mr. and Mrs. Cake got married, and Cranky and Matilda. Not to mention your brother and Cadance." She leaped up onto her chair, her forelegs crooked over her head. "Remember? With the changelings and the running and the fighting and the—"
"Okay, okay!" Blowing out a breath, Twilight waved a hoof. "But Starlight and Trixie? They're no older than we are!"
"So?" Applejack leaned back in her chair. "I've already had a couple suitors come calling. Cute enough fellers, but there weren't any sorta 'click' talking to 'em, and their financials didn't check out." She shrugged. "Taking on a husband's one thing, but taking on debt?"
Twilight tried not to gape.
Rarity made a little clicking noise with her tongue. "And they say romance is dead."
The sound Rainbow made with her tongue was a lot ruder. "Some of us have better things to do with our lives, y'know?" Already hovering above her chair, she flipped into a barrel roll. "There's Wonderbolt records to break and monsters to fight and treasures to find and—"
"And you reckon nopony'd be able to keep up with you?" Applejack smirked.
Rainbow swooped across the table to poked Applejack in the chest. "You know it! Anypony wants this prize—" She spun into a pose, hind legs pointed down, her hip cocked, her chest out, and ran one front hoof along herself from withers to flank. "They've gotta earn it."
"Oh, my." Fluttershy had gone as orange as a pumpkin.
"Indeed." If Rarity had been wearing her glasses, Twilight thought, she would've been looking over the tops of them. "Some of us, however, aren't terribly interested in sponsoring athletic competitions for our affections."
"I dunno, Rares." Pinkie's grin spread over her snout like raspberry jam over fresh-baked bread. "Sweaty can be awfully fun when it comes to affections."
"Ha!" Another spin and swoop brought Rainbow over to Pinkie, and the two smacked front hooves. "Now that's what I'm talking about!"
"You mean—" With some effort, Twilight managed to get out, "Sex?"
A shudder passed through all her friends, and Rainbow dropped heavily into her chair. "Yeah, okay." She pointed at Twilight. "That just sounds wrong when you say it."
Twilight's face went hot.
Fluttershy had practically sunk below the surface of the table. "Can we please change the subject?" she whimpered.
"We shall." Rarity reached over to pat Fluttershy's hoof. "Not that there's anything wrong with having the experience."
Applejack gave a nod. "Most natural thing in the world."
"Nor," Rarity went on, Fluttershy blinking at her from behind a barrier built of tea cups and pink hair, "is there anything wrong with postponing the experience."
"May I—?" Fluttershy rose slightly, her eyes bigger than any of the saucers in Twilight's tea set. "May I please never have to think about it ever, ever, ever again?"
Rainbow's snort was practically delicate. "Good luck with that."
"Unless, y'know—" Pinkie gestured to Twilight. "You're the Princess of Friendzoning or something."
"What?" Twilight 's brain felt like a popcorn popper, so many things exploding in it all at once. "What does that even mean?"
"It means," Applejack said, sitting forward and tapping the table, "that we're changing the subject. Y'all going to Rockhoof's storytelling session tonight?"
Twilight blinked. "Popcorn!" Summoning a quill and a piece of parchment, she made a note. "Last week, it occurred to me that popcorn'd go really well with his stories."
"Hey, yeah!" Rainbow sprang into a hover. "And wouldn't it be awesome to have 'em outside? Like in that clearing behind the school! We could set up a bonfire and everything!"
"Perfect!" Twilight let all her disturbing thoughts go and made another note. "That'll be just perfect!"
I'm pretty sure the center of the conversation here is an impending marriage between Starlight and Trixie, but I had to re-read it to be confident in that thought. Maybe it's the specific line that starts things off that's leading me astray, but I had a tendency to keep drifting back to Fluttershy as the conversation's subject. Maybe I'm wrong. I guess my point is that joining a scene 'in media res' is a great idea, but I didn't get enough context to get a clear starting point in my head as to what the larger picture (of which this scene is a part) is trying to show.
I mean, at least I know who's being shipped here.
Something I liked:
For the most part, the characterizations of the mane six feel pretty spot-on, if also one-note. I mean, it's a minific, what're you gonna do. Initially I had a problem with the first paragraph being misleading, since Fluttershy sounds like she got a marriage proposal, when in fact she didn't, and the conversation's not about here. But ultimately the conversation is more about the mane six themselves, rather than the couple getting married. Does it make them look selfish and a little catty? Yes, but I can also buy into them having this conversation.
Something I didn't like:
Something about Twilight rubs me the wrong way here. She's basically the butt of the joke for most of the story, on the basis that she's a virginal flower who's out of step with everyone else. Am I supposed to believe that someone who reads as many books as she does gets easily flustered over the mere mention of sex? It's cute, sure, but from a certain angle it's also hard to believe, and Twilight's case sticks out from the others like a sore thumb for this reason.
Verdict: A kind of My Dinner with Andre-type entry that's pleasant enough, if also confusing at times.
Something I liked:
For the most part, the characterizations of the mane six feel pretty spot-on, if also one-note. I mean, it's a minific, what're you gonna do. Initially I had a problem with the first paragraph being misleading, since Fluttershy sounds like she got a marriage proposal, when in fact she didn't, and the conversation's not about here. But ultimately the conversation is more about the mane six themselves, rather than the couple getting married. Does it make them look selfish and a little catty? Yes, but I can also buy into them having this conversation.
Something I didn't like:
Something about Twilight rubs me the wrong way here. She's basically the butt of the joke for most of the story, on the basis that she's a virginal flower who's out of step with everyone else. Am I supposed to believe that someone who reads as many books as she does gets easily flustered over the mere mention of sex? It's cute, sure, but from a certain angle it's also hard to believe, and Twilight's case sticks out from the others like a sore thumb for this reason.
Verdict: A kind of My Dinner with Andre-type entry that's pleasant enough, if also confusing at times.
>>No_Raisin
I’m going to go against your statement for a bit.
Reading books about anatomy and how the process is done is one thing, but to actually talk out loud, with your close friends, about sex is another. I don’t imagine Twilight reads too many smut fics, but apparently everyone else on Fimfic does... so I think she has the right to be flustered.
Altogether, a pretty good fic and I appreciate that the comparisons of ponies’ expressions match with their personalities.
I’m going to go against your statement for a bit.
Reading books about anatomy and how the process is done is one thing, but to actually talk out loud, with your close friends, about sex is another. I don’t imagine Twilight reads too many smut fics, but apparently everyone else on Fimfic does... so I think she has the right to be flustered.
Altogether, a pretty good fic and I appreciate that the comparisons of ponies’ expressions match with their personalities.
This could have been a really interesting story, but I fear I can't figure out what you're going for, author. After a misleading opener that sounds like Fluttershy is being proposed to, the rest of the story features some really strange and contradictory tension between the Mane 6 that doesn't seem to lead anywhere. I get a lot of character, but no strong and lasting dynamic between pairs of characters.
>>No_Raisin
Would you mind telling the rest of us?
TrixGlim's marriage is what they're discussing, but shipping is not just an offhoof mention of a wedding of two off-scene characters. I think there may indeed be shipping going on in this story but I haven't been able to parse it out. I have three theories which I comment on further below.
The strangest thing about this story is how the same characters behave as though they're totally comfortable with sex one minute, then act like rape victims the next:
This is just weird. Twilight merely says the word "sex" and her friends react like they have post-traumatic stress disorder. And Rainbow acts ashamed, which is exceptionally odd. This happened immediately after Pinkie and Dash high-hoof about how much fun sex is, and immediately before Applejack says, stone-faced, that it's the most natural thing in the world.
I'm confused by the rapid-fire emotional shifts, as well as how the characters all react in the same way in places. I was actually excited when I read Rainbow's unusual reaction, because I thought you were going to reveal something bizarre that would account for it: a reason sex should be shameful in Equestria and isn't appropriate to joke casually about. Maybe it's illegal? Maybe the characters share a history of a highly traumatic incident? Those would be interesting to pursue. When this didn't materialize and the emotions shifted yet again, I became confused.
My best guess here is either you intended to draw sexual tension between one or more characters in the story and I failed to pick up on it, or the story is just "Twilight and her friends are embarrassed about sex", or else all six of them are attracted to Rockhoof and you're trying to squeeze in a peek for us at the end.
As a reader, what should my takeaway from this be? If there isn't one, I think it would help if you had a message that you were trying to convey to the reader. Think about what you want us to learn from what we see here.
Less importantly:
Fluttershy turning "orange as a pumpkin": I think you mean to imply that red blush + yellow pelt = orange, which is a little strange visually and not how blush manifests in canon. If you do go with that, I'd say "orange as Applejack" for a tie-in to the rest of the story, and mention it's only her cheeks or face.
I realize you were using "brain popping" to lead into "popcorn", but the brief look into Twilight's thoughts is jarring. Actually, this story might be better if it were grounded in one pony's perspective, and Twilight would be a natural choice for it.
I don't get the title. Are they refusing to attend the wedding?
>>No_Raisin
I mean, at least I know who's being shipped here.
Would you mind telling the rest of us?
TrixGlim's marriage is what they're discussing, but shipping is not just an offhoof mention of a wedding of two off-scene characters. I think there may indeed be shipping going on in this story but I haven't been able to parse it out. I have three theories which I comment on further below.
The strangest thing about this story is how the same characters behave as though they're totally comfortable with sex one minute, then act like rape victims the next:
A shudder passed through all her friends
This is just weird. Twilight merely says the word "sex" and her friends react like they have post-traumatic stress disorder. And Rainbow acts ashamed, which is exceptionally odd. This happened immediately after Pinkie and Dash high-hoof about how much fun sex is, and immediately before Applejack says, stone-faced, that it's the most natural thing in the world.
I'm confused by the rapid-fire emotional shifts, as well as how the characters all react in the same way in places. I was actually excited when I read Rainbow's unusual reaction, because I thought you were going to reveal something bizarre that would account for it: a reason sex should be shameful in Equestria and isn't appropriate to joke casually about. Maybe it's illegal? Maybe the characters share a history of a highly traumatic incident? Those would be interesting to pursue. When this didn't materialize and the emotions shifted yet again, I became confused.
My best guess here is either you intended to draw sexual tension between one or more characters in the story and I failed to pick up on it, or the story is just "Twilight and her friends are embarrassed about sex", or else all six of them are attracted to Rockhoof and you're trying to squeeze in a peek for us at the end.
As a reader, what should my takeaway from this be? If there isn't one, I think it would help if you had a message that you were trying to convey to the reader. Think about what you want us to learn from what we see here.
Less importantly:
Fluttershy turning "orange as a pumpkin": I think you mean to imply that red blush + yellow pelt = orange, which is a little strange visually and not how blush manifests in canon. If you do go with that, I'd say "orange as Applejack" for a tie-in to the rest of the story, and mention it's only her cheeks or face.
I realize you were using "brain popping" to lead into "popcorn", but the brief look into Twilight's thoughts is jarring. Actually, this story might be better if it were grounded in one pony's perspective, and Twilight would be a natural choice for it.
I don't get the title. Are they refusing to attend the wedding?
If I'm being honest, I don't understand the point of this one. Is it addressing sex? Marriage or commitment? Maturing? None of these really come to the fore, but they're all kinda sitting there, vying against one another for attention. The characterization on display here is believable, but… why? What are they all talking about?
Twilight's stressing about a date with somepony?
Genre: PTSD(?)
Thoughts: What is going on with Fluttershy?
No, seriously—I’m getting alarm bells all over her words, tone, actions, et cetera. Forget the uncomfortable moments where everyone else seems to go back and forth about the topic at hand—I’m totally worried about what must’ve happened to Fluttershy to make her so completely fearful of the ultimately very mild discussion that unfolds.
I am distracted by this.
Twilight’s perspective scans fine enough for me. She doesn’t register as the most romantically-minded pony for me anyway, and I can buy the thought that love, marriage, romance, and sex are things she sees as being for “someone else” (at least for the moment). The others have views that feel mostly internally consistent; props for AJ’s hilarious bit about her suitors’ financials, as well as Rarity’s apparent sensitivity to Fluttershy’s discomfort. But again, Flutters is just freaking out here, and I find myself doing so right along with her.
Here’s where I feel this goes from just my personal beef with the story into (hopefully) a more objective criticism, though: the story does an awful lot to set up Fluttershy’s extreme aversion to the topic at hand, including doing a head-fake opening with it. To me, that’s not just a moment of standard-issue “Fluttershy is shy” characterization; it’s an indicator that there’s more going on. It’s the thing the story leads with, and it just keeps popping up over and over again. It’s too persistent to ignore, and it’s expressed in a way that signals to me that it shouldn’t be ignored.
So, bottom line, I think this either needs to pay off Fluttershy’s situation through some kind of direct engagement, or the story has way overplayed its depiction of her, and the Author should consider dialing it back. I think that would also help bolster the substance of the discussion. Right now they each kind of joust at each other’s perspectives, but then walk away after the first pass; instead, it might be more satisfying to let someone’s viewpoint change, if only a little.
However, I realize I’ve been mostly negative here, which means I’m not doing my job very well. I think this is excellent at setting up a moment of believably-characterized discussion that we’d never see in the show. It also successfully hooks my interest and gets me emotionally invested, even if it’s not quite in the thing that might’ve been intended.
Tier: Keep Developing
Thoughts: What is going on with Fluttershy?
No, seriously—I’m getting alarm bells all over her words, tone, actions, et cetera. Forget the uncomfortable moments where everyone else seems to go back and forth about the topic at hand—I’m totally worried about what must’ve happened to Fluttershy to make her so completely fearful of the ultimately very mild discussion that unfolds.
I am distracted by this.
Twilight’s perspective scans fine enough for me. She doesn’t register as the most romantically-minded pony for me anyway, and I can buy the thought that love, marriage, romance, and sex are things she sees as being for “someone else” (at least for the moment). The others have views that feel mostly internally consistent; props for AJ’s hilarious bit about her suitors’ financials, as well as Rarity’s apparent sensitivity to Fluttershy’s discomfort. But again, Flutters is just freaking out here, and I find myself doing so right along with her.
Here’s where I feel this goes from just my personal beef with the story into (hopefully) a more objective criticism, though: the story does an awful lot to set up Fluttershy’s extreme aversion to the topic at hand, including doing a head-fake opening with it. To me, that’s not just a moment of standard-issue “Fluttershy is shy” characterization; it’s an indicator that there’s more going on. It’s the thing the story leads with, and it just keeps popping up over and over again. It’s too persistent to ignore, and it’s expressed in a way that signals to me that it shouldn’t be ignored.
So, bottom line, I think this either needs to pay off Fluttershy’s situation through some kind of direct engagement, or the story has way overplayed its depiction of her, and the Author should consider dialing it back. I think that would also help bolster the substance of the discussion. Right now they each kind of joust at each other’s perspectives, but then walk away after the first pass; instead, it might be more satisfying to let someone’s viewpoint change, if only a little.
However, I realize I’ve been mostly negative here, which means I’m not doing my job very well. I think this is excellent at setting up a moment of believably-characterized discussion that we’d never see in the show. It also successfully hooks my interest and gets me emotionally invested, even if it’s not quite in the thing that might’ve been intended.
Tier: Keep Developing
Seeing >>CoffeeMinion's comment made me realize that I'd rather discarded some of the nuance of Fluttershy here, so I went back and re-read this. Not that I'm completely agreeing with his assessment (I have it on good authority that Coffee is a he), but a reader can definitely find troubling implications without much effort.
Fluttershy's reactions do seem quite vehement if it is a matter of mere discomfort with the idea of sex -- more keeping with the concept being repugnant or paralytic. Given that she recoils from the idea of marriage as much as sex (and, tending to so many animals for so long, she must have had some exposure to sex, if not first-hoof), this might also imply a far deeper issue. Tangential, Rarity is at least aware of Fluttershy's discomfort, but, instead of really being sympathetic, her words taken literally might imply that Fluttershy must at some point in the future have to have sex; this could be no more malicious than Rarity simply misinterpreting Fluttershy's demeanor, but if that's the case why is she the only one to address Fluttershy's concerns at all (I know -- word count).
Tying this back into my original comment, I think it really comes down to the text lacking a distinct purpose -- there is a hodgepodge of well-written but incongruous ideas.
Fluttershy's reactions do seem quite vehement if it is a matter of mere discomfort with the idea of sex -- more keeping with the concept being repugnant or paralytic. Given that she recoils from the idea of marriage as much as sex (and, tending to so many animals for so long, she must have had some exposure to sex, if not first-hoof), this might also imply a far deeper issue. Tangential, Rarity is at least aware of Fluttershy's discomfort, but, instead of really being sympathetic, her words taken literally might imply that Fluttershy must at some point in the future have to have sex; this could be no more malicious than Rarity simply misinterpreting Fluttershy's demeanor, but if that's the case why is she the only one to address Fluttershy's concerns at all (I know -- word count).
Tying this back into my original comment, I think it really comes down to the text lacking a distinct purpose -- there is a hodgepodge of well-written but incongruous ideas.
This story feels more like an excerpt from a larger scene than a proper scene itself, in that it lacks a central plot point tying all the narrative threads together to form a cohesive whole. Now, it's not necessarily a bad thing for a story to do that, though there's not really much I can garner here story-wise. Looking at it like this, I'm clueless as to what lead up to this conversation as well as what happened right after this. It just feels aimless as a story, lacking a great deal of focus in its messaging, perhaps lacking a message even.
Judging it as a scene, the dialogue is pretty fun. I kinda like the exchange between the Mane Six here. As fun as it is, however, I was hoping that it would go beyond just padded girl talk and unfortunately, that doesn't seem to be the case. The conversation doesn't seem to want to lead anywhere beyond the girls giving out their perspectives and prospects on marriage and sex. There's nothing wrong with that, of course, but with how it's contextualized here (or really lacking any context to speak of) it just feels like such a throwaway moment that I struggled to really sympathize with whatever's going on. Simply put, the fact that Applejack can just wholeheartedly dismiss this whole conversation they're having and the rest complying almost immediately basically describes how I feel about this story.
I think ultimately where the story fails is basically at answering the question of why they are having a conversation like this in the first place? What led them to start up this discussion, as brief as it ended up to be? I'm all for seeing the Mane Six banter with each other but there needs to be an attempt made at giving us an idea of the larger picture at play here instead of just tossing out sentences indicating their opinions on a certain topic. Otherwise, every line they'll deliver is going to be tepid, no matter how in-character or comedic or... really, whatever it's supposedly trying to depict.
Thanks for writing, and good luck!
Judging it as a scene, the dialogue is pretty fun. I kinda like the exchange between the Mane Six here. As fun as it is, however, I was hoping that it would go beyond just padded girl talk and unfortunately, that doesn't seem to be the case. The conversation doesn't seem to want to lead anywhere beyond the girls giving out their perspectives and prospects on marriage and sex. There's nothing wrong with that, of course, but with how it's contextualized here (or really lacking any context to speak of) it just feels like such a throwaway moment that I struggled to really sympathize with whatever's going on. Simply put, the fact that Applejack can just wholeheartedly dismiss this whole conversation they're having and the rest complying almost immediately basically describes how I feel about this story.
I think ultimately where the story fails is basically at answering the question of why they are having a conversation like this in the first place? What led them to start up this discussion, as brief as it ended up to be? I'm all for seeing the Mane Six banter with each other but there needs to be an attempt made at giving us an idea of the larger picture at play here instead of just tossing out sentences indicating their opinions on a certain topic. Otherwise, every line they'll deliver is going to be tepid, no matter how in-character or comedic or... really, whatever it's supposedly trying to depict.
Thanks for writing, and good luck!
So if I'm interpreting things correctly, I'm left thinking that this is actually a really cool case of pushing the SoL genre to a very purist form. And honestly, for me, it worked like a charm. The voicing is pretty much on point all around, which is essential when all we're doing is spending time with the six of them talking. The flow of their conversation feels natural, and there are a lot of cool little details that kind of imply some plot threads that feed into and go on from this scene, although we're never meant to really see them develop. Overall, I'm kind of surprised by how much I ended up liking this (quotation marks heavily in use) "pointless" focus of the piece.
Looking over our other reviews, it looks like my reading wasn't the norm, so if you really did mean for the readers to have the experience that I did, there might be room to improve.
I'm seeing that a fair number of reviews mention one or two things that threw them off, and these tend to be elements or motiffs introduced closer to the beginning. I can't help but think that this is kind of natural, given any reader's tendency when going into a minific to try to discern the "point" of the story ASAP. This might be a case of the readers attributing a higher degree of importance to elements that you did not consider to be the central point.
The way I see it, you've kind of got two ways to try to mitigate this kind of misinterpretation. One, would be to give them a perfunctory/distraction hook/conflict, and then have that bit quietly resolved somewhere in the middle when the reader is already in the flow of things. This might still make the readers wonder what the overall point of the story was, but at least they won't be desperately grabbing onto things in the first 1/3 or so of the story, looking for conflicts that won't be resolved.
The other option, would be to somehow convey to the reader that this conversation has no "point". This would be the ideal situation, but is a lot more difficult to pull off. I had a similar problem for a Wake, a story I did a while back with an obvious question that was not meant to be answered. Conveying this kind of information within the story itself might be clumsy, so personally, I think your best bet would be to have a really disarming title that somehow primes the reader to not expect a conflict. IDK, just spitballing at this point.
So anyway, I liked this piece very much, and I really wished more readers had similar experiences to mine. On the chance that I'm entirely wrong about how to interpret this fic as a whole, please accept my embarrassed apologies.
Thanks for writing!
Looking over our other reviews, it looks like my reading wasn't the norm, so if you really did mean for the readers to have the experience that I did, there might be room to improve.
I'm seeing that a fair number of reviews mention one or two things that threw them off, and these tend to be elements or motiffs introduced closer to the beginning. I can't help but think that this is kind of natural, given any reader's tendency when going into a minific to try to discern the "point" of the story ASAP. This might be a case of the readers attributing a higher degree of importance to elements that you did not consider to be the central point.
The way I see it, you've kind of got two ways to try to mitigate this kind of misinterpretation. One, would be to give them a perfunctory/distraction hook/conflict, and then have that bit quietly resolved somewhere in the middle when the reader is already in the flow of things. This might still make the readers wonder what the overall point of the story was, but at least they won't be desperately grabbing onto things in the first 1/3 or so of the story, looking for conflicts that won't be resolved.
The other option, would be to somehow convey to the reader that this conversation has no "point". This would be the ideal situation, but is a lot more difficult to pull off. I had a similar problem for a Wake, a story I did a while back with an obvious question that was not meant to be answered. Conveying this kind of information within the story itself might be clumsy, so personally, I think your best bet would be to have a really disarming title that somehow primes the reader to not expect a conflict. IDK, just spitballing at this point.
So anyway, I liked this piece very much, and I really wished more readers had similar experiences to mine. On the chance that I'm entirely wrong about how to interpret this fic as a whole, please accept my embarrassed apologies.
Thanks for writing!
I'm going to agree with the other commenters praising this story's character work; what sets this apart is just how authentic all the Mane Six feel, how natural their voices are. It's all dialogue, and while I don't think that works entirely in the story's favor (no arc, no real story being told besides the conversation), it's at least entertaining dialogue to read.
I don't think that Prude Twilight works, however. Inexperienced and awkward, I can buy, but you make her sound like a puritanical teenager. Like as soon as this story ends, she's gonna have to run off to Confession and pray for the salvation of her sinful friends' souls.
...Prude Fluttershy, I can give you, however.
I don't think that Prude Twilight works, however. Inexperienced and awkward, I can buy, but you make her sound like a puritanical teenager. Like as soon as this story ends, she's gonna have to run off to Confession and pray for the salvation of her sinful friends' souls.
...Prude Fluttershy, I can give you, however.
This is a nice bit of character work and conversation that we obviously couldn't see in the show. Still, it feels fairly natural, especially given everyone's reaction to actually talking about the horizontal tango (actually, is it naturally more perpendicular for ponies? ... actually lets not get into that.) Solid piece, author.
>>GrandMoffPony
>>No_Raisin
>>Anon Y Mous
>>Trick_Question
>>KwirkyJ
>>CoffeeMinion
>>KwirkyJ
>>WritingSpirit
>>Bachiavellian
>>Posh
>>Flashgen
Congrats to our medalists:
And sorry I didn't get to commenting on all the stories again. Everyone else pretty much brought up what I was gonna say, though.
As for mine, thanks for the comments. I'm determined to earn every spot from first to last during the course of these contests, and I'm still looking to score second-to-last if anyone wants to change their vote... :)
But, yeah, my intention was a straight up "slice of life" scene with all six of Our Heroines reacting to the news of Starlight and Trixie's upcoming nuptials by giving their reasons why they would never be involved in a romantic relationship. That's where the title came from: no shipping here.
The characters wouldn't cooperate with that, though. So I switched to Dash and Pinkie already "on the scene," Rarity and AJ not there but planning on it, and Fluttershy and Twilight never going there, Shy 'cause she shares my asexuality and Twi 'cause she's the Princess of Friendship. And as all "rom-coms" have taught us, romance turns friendship into something else. So not only can Twi never have a romantic relationship, even her talking about the subject creates a magical uneasiness in anypony listening.
I still think I can get that across with some more work--like I always say, Writeoffs are pretty much first-draft contests for me--and it might be fun to take things on from here, maybe have Shy and Twi fall into some sort of non-sexual romantic relationship that they don't understand any more than their friends do. We'll see what happens, I guess.
Thanks again!
Mike
>>No_Raisin
>>Anon Y Mous
>>Trick_Question
>>KwirkyJ
>>CoffeeMinion
>>KwirkyJ
>>WritingSpirit
>>Bachiavellian
>>Posh
>>Flashgen
Congrats to our medalists:
And sorry I didn't get to commenting on all the stories again. Everyone else pretty much brought up what I was gonna say, though.
As for mine, thanks for the comments. I'm determined to earn every spot from first to last during the course of these contests, and I'm still looking to score second-to-last if anyone wants to change their vote... :)
But, yeah, my intention was a straight up "slice of life" scene with all six of Our Heroines reacting to the news of Starlight and Trixie's upcoming nuptials by giving their reasons why they would never be involved in a romantic relationship. That's where the title came from: no shipping here.
The characters wouldn't cooperate with that, though. So I switched to Dash and Pinkie already "on the scene," Rarity and AJ not there but planning on it, and Fluttershy and Twilight never going there, Shy 'cause she shares my asexuality and Twi 'cause she's the Princess of Friendship. And as all "rom-coms" have taught us, romance turns friendship into something else. So not only can Twi never have a romantic relationship, even her talking about the subject creates a magical uneasiness in anypony listening.
I still think I can get that across with some more work--like I always say, Writeoffs are pretty much first-draft contests for me--and it might be fun to take things on from here, maybe have Shy and Twi fall into some sort of non-sexual romantic relationship that they don't understand any more than their friends do. We'll see what happens, I guess.
Thanks again!
Mike