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Shepherdess
Luna wasn’t surprised that the roof of her bedroom was missing. But she certainly was perplexed—just as she was perplexed by the full moon that had no craters, the eerie waviness of every surface, and the posters of Rainbow Dash covering every wall.
“Okay,” Luna said once she’d taken it all in. “I have some notes.”
Rainbow Dash burst into the room shoulder-first, sending the door flying off its hinges. It slowed to a stop in mid-air, a few inches from Luna’s face.
“Uh.” Rainbow Dash pointed to the door. “That was like that when I got here.”
“You created here.”
“Oh. Right.” Rainbow Dash gulped. “So, how’d I do?”
“Disastrously.” Luna enjoyed watching Rainbow Dash flinch. “But we can work on the fabric later. Have you determined what frightens me?”
Rainbow Dash blinked. “Uh. I dunno. You never told me.”
“You can’t sense it?”
“No. Is that bad?”
Luna narrowed her gaze. “It’s disqualifying.”
“What?!”
“Give the amulet to the next candidate when you wake up.”
Before she could protest further, Luna placed her hoof on Rainbow Dash’s forehead, and pushed. She vanished, gradually, in a cloud of dust and complaining.
“And thank you for applying.”
Luna stomped her hoof, and her bedroom fixed itself. The roof appeared—one rafter at a time—the posters burned to ashes, the door gently glided back into place, and all the wavy lines in the room straightened themselves out like soldiers standing to attention.
Luna sat on her bed and tried to relax. So Rainbow Dash hadn’t panned out. No big deal. Maybe the next candidate would allay all of her fears.
The room turned pink. Balloons inflated out of nowhere and floated to the ceiling. The walls turned to gingerbread.
Luna whimpered.
Pinkie Pie disappeared in a cloud of dust and giggles. At least she was taking it well.
Luna, meanwhile, was taking none of this well. Two down, one to go. And if the last one fared no better, Luna might have to tell her sister to retire without her. It was either that, or leave the dreamers in the hooves of an amateur dreamwalker.
Speaking of walks, Luna needed one. She shut her eyes and stepped through her bedroom door to the hallway. The grass outside brushed her hooves—
Grass?
Grass. Luna, and her bedroom, stood in the middle of a large clearing, surrounded on all sides by an oak forest. She spun back to the door and admired the interface of grass and stone.
“Seamless…”
A breeze convinced her to turn around. Did it smell like lavender?
Across the field was a small, empty pond. The moon’s face—complete with craters—reflected in the water. Next to it sat Fluttershy. The last candidate. Her face was hidden behind her mane.
Luna approached. “Hello,” she said.
“Oh.” Fluttershy turned, but only held eye contact for a second before looking back at the water. “You’re here.”
“I am.” Luna sniffed the air. “Lavender?”
Fluttershy bit her lip. “I heard it… helps ponies relax.”
“It does.” Luna sat down. For a few moments, they watched the water, as if it might do something other than ripple.
Luna cleared her throat. “I’m surprised you didn’t create any animals.”
“Oh. Well, I wasn’t sure if you liked animals.”
“Want to give it a try?”
Fluttershy nearly looked at her. “Okay. Which one would you like?”
“Guess.”
Fluttershy furrowed her brow. Luna’s chest felt warm, watching her work.
Six touches on her shoulder; Luna could feel every one. She peered at the glowing blue butterfly. It hopped off her shoulder and fluttered in midair.
“I’m sorry,” Fluttershy said. “I don’t think that’s the one you wanted.”
“No. It is.” Luna extended a hoof and let the butterfly rest on the tip of her shoe. The night sky reflected in the silver, but…
“It has no reflection.”
“What?”
“In my shoe. See?”
Fluttershy leaned closer. Her mane drifted onto Luna’s leg. It tickled.
“Oh… Shoot.”
“It’s alright.”
The butterfly’s wings fell, and rose, at its own pace.
“So, um.” Fluttershy combed her mane with a hoof. “I wanted to say something, and I know you might choose somepony else. But, if you’re okay with me, um…”
“Yes?”
“I’ll look after them for you.” Fluttershy made eye contact and held it. “You don’t have to worry.”
Luna exhaled. “I don’t doubt it.”
She pushed her hoof into the air, and the butterfly set out over the pond. It flapped in an unsure, crooked line. Just like the real thing.
“Okay,” Luna said once she’d taken it all in. “I have some notes.”
Rainbow Dash burst into the room shoulder-first, sending the door flying off its hinges. It slowed to a stop in mid-air, a few inches from Luna’s face.
“Uh.” Rainbow Dash pointed to the door. “That was like that when I got here.”
“You created here.”
“Oh. Right.” Rainbow Dash gulped. “So, how’d I do?”
“Disastrously.” Luna enjoyed watching Rainbow Dash flinch. “But we can work on the fabric later. Have you determined what frightens me?”
Rainbow Dash blinked. “Uh. I dunno. You never told me.”
“You can’t sense it?”
“No. Is that bad?”
Luna narrowed her gaze. “It’s disqualifying.”
“What?!”
“Give the amulet to the next candidate when you wake up.”
Before she could protest further, Luna placed her hoof on Rainbow Dash’s forehead, and pushed. She vanished, gradually, in a cloud of dust and complaining.
“And thank you for applying.”
Luna stomped her hoof, and her bedroom fixed itself. The roof appeared—one rafter at a time—the posters burned to ashes, the door gently glided back into place, and all the wavy lines in the room straightened themselves out like soldiers standing to attention.
Luna sat on her bed and tried to relax. So Rainbow Dash hadn’t panned out. No big deal. Maybe the next candidate would allay all of her fears.
The room turned pink. Balloons inflated out of nowhere and floated to the ceiling. The walls turned to gingerbread.
Luna whimpered.
Pinkie Pie disappeared in a cloud of dust and giggles. At least she was taking it well.
Luna, meanwhile, was taking none of this well. Two down, one to go. And if the last one fared no better, Luna might have to tell her sister to retire without her. It was either that, or leave the dreamers in the hooves of an amateur dreamwalker.
Speaking of walks, Luna needed one. She shut her eyes and stepped through her bedroom door to the hallway. The grass outside brushed her hooves—
Grass?
Grass. Luna, and her bedroom, stood in the middle of a large clearing, surrounded on all sides by an oak forest. She spun back to the door and admired the interface of grass and stone.
“Seamless…”
A breeze convinced her to turn around. Did it smell like lavender?
Across the field was a small, empty pond. The moon’s face—complete with craters—reflected in the water. Next to it sat Fluttershy. The last candidate. Her face was hidden behind her mane.
Luna approached. “Hello,” she said.
“Oh.” Fluttershy turned, but only held eye contact for a second before looking back at the water. “You’re here.”
“I am.” Luna sniffed the air. “Lavender?”
Fluttershy bit her lip. “I heard it… helps ponies relax.”
“It does.” Luna sat down. For a few moments, they watched the water, as if it might do something other than ripple.
Luna cleared her throat. “I’m surprised you didn’t create any animals.”
“Oh. Well, I wasn’t sure if you liked animals.”
“Want to give it a try?”
Fluttershy nearly looked at her. “Okay. Which one would you like?”
“Guess.”
Fluttershy furrowed her brow. Luna’s chest felt warm, watching her work.
Six touches on her shoulder; Luna could feel every one. She peered at the glowing blue butterfly. It hopped off her shoulder and fluttered in midair.
“I’m sorry,” Fluttershy said. “I don’t think that’s the one you wanted.”
“No. It is.” Luna extended a hoof and let the butterfly rest on the tip of her shoe. The night sky reflected in the silver, but…
“It has no reflection.”
“What?”
“In my shoe. See?”
Fluttershy leaned closer. Her mane drifted onto Luna’s leg. It tickled.
“Oh… Shoot.”
“It’s alright.”
The butterfly’s wings fell, and rose, at its own pace.
“So, um.” Fluttershy combed her mane with a hoof. “I wanted to say something, and I know you might choose somepony else. But, if you’re okay with me, um…”
“Yes?”
“I’ll look after them for you.” Fluttershy made eye contact and held it. “You don’t have to worry.”
Luna exhaled. “I don’t doubt it.”
She pushed her hoof into the air, and the butterfly set out over the pond. It flapped in an unsure, crooked line. Just like the real thing.
Pics
This is beautifully written (as you are no doubt aware), and the story is good. I have a few concerns, though.
I'm disappointed that you built up excellent suspense, then wasted it entirely. If failure to sense Luna's fear is disqualifying, and Rainbow Dash entered the dream with instructions to do so, I expected Fluttershy to have the same instructions. The buildup with the eerily realistic dream realm and Fluttershy's face hidden by her forelock had me waiting for you to reveal what Luna's true fear is, and I was very much let down when it never manifested. You're clearly a top writer, and that reveal would have been a powerful moment to develop both Luna and Fluttershy as characters beyond their stereotypes. It would also have grounded the test in something concrete: managing fears seems more critical to quelling nightmares than manipulation of tiny visual details.
It's obvious why Dash and Pinkie are interested, but I'm uncertain why Fluttershy would want to do this apart from general altruism toward ponies. I'd expect her to be the least willing pony to confront nightmares because she's the most fearful. Understanding her motivation to take this up as a fourth career (after the sanctuary, the school, and adventuring) would help me to buy your premise. Without some hint at her interest, it feels out of character. Perhaps she wants to do it because she knows what suffering from fear is like?
I'm also left wondering why Fluttershy is nearly perfect at what is obviously a very difficult task. Show canon has Pinkie as the strongest dreamsmith, which isn't surprising, but Fluttershy could benefit from some additional support here. It might help to reference her calm demeanor and attention to detail as a naturalist, and thus give her a reason to excel at what is clearly a test of talent rather than training. You may also have gone a little over-the-top with her abilities. If this is a show of raw talent, I wouldn't expect a talented prospective student to already have perfect command of the ability she needs to learn. Why make that union seamless when it can be pretty good instead?
I'm disappointed that you built up excellent suspense, then wasted it entirely. If failure to sense Luna's fear is disqualifying, and Rainbow Dash entered the dream with instructions to do so, I expected Fluttershy to have the same instructions. The buildup with the eerily realistic dream realm and Fluttershy's face hidden by her forelock had me waiting for you to reveal what Luna's true fear is, and I was very much let down when it never manifested. You're clearly a top writer, and that reveal would have been a powerful moment to develop both Luna and Fluttershy as characters beyond their stereotypes. It would also have grounded the test in something concrete: managing fears seems more critical to quelling nightmares than manipulation of tiny visual details.
It's obvious why Dash and Pinkie are interested, but I'm uncertain why Fluttershy would want to do this apart from general altruism toward ponies. I'd expect her to be the least willing pony to confront nightmares because she's the most fearful. Understanding her motivation to take this up as a fourth career (after the sanctuary, the school, and adventuring) would help me to buy your premise. Without some hint at her interest, it feels out of character. Perhaps she wants to do it because she knows what suffering from fear is like?
I'm also left wondering why Fluttershy is nearly perfect at what is obviously a very difficult task. Show canon has Pinkie as the strongest dreamsmith, which isn't surprising, but Fluttershy could benefit from some additional support here. It might help to reference her calm demeanor and attention to detail as a naturalist, and thus give her a reason to excel at what is clearly a test of talent rather than training. You may also have gone a little over-the-top with her abilities. If this is a show of raw talent, I wouldn't expect a talented prospective student to already have perfect command of the ability she needs to learn. Why make that union seamless when it can be pretty good instead?
Off the top: This needs to be expanded and posted to Fimfic yesterday. 'If Luna retires who watches dreams next?' is an AMAZING question, and one author seems very well prepared to answer.
That said, I agree with TQ here that Fluttershy's performance was too good for an amatuer. Seeing RD and Pinkie fail in their own ways makes sense. And I can imagine a good argument for Shy here, but there's not enough backstory to support it right now. (word limit didn't help I'm sure) With some expansion though, this really could work well.
I really hope to see this evolve into a full story!
That said, I agree with TQ here that Fluttershy's performance was too good for an amatuer. Seeing RD and Pinkie fail in their own ways makes sense. And I can imagine a good argument for Shy here, but there's not enough backstory to support it right now. (word limit didn't help I'm sure) With some expansion though, this really could work well.
I really hope to see this evolve into a full story!
Watching me try to sing "Dream Weaver" on karaoke night is embarrassing.
Something I liked:
How about... everything? This might still be my favorite of the bunch, but that does come with a small asterisk (which I'll get to). I love how this starts out with Dash utterly failing at meeting Luna's expectations, complete with making posters of herself in the dream; god, she's such a narcissist. The "in a cloud of dust and complaining" line also made me laugh, which is really hard to do. I like how the text never explicitly says this, but Fluttershy understands something about dreamwalking (and by extension Luna) that Dash and Pinkie don't. I can't get over how serene that ending is; it's pretty much perfect.
Something I didn't like:
The biggest criticism I can think, and this is just echoing previous reviews (which I hate doing), but I do wish we got more insight into why Fluttershy is doing this. Dash and Pinkie seemed to be chosen at random (actually, why were they candidates), and then there's Fluttershy. Luna said that there were three candidates, but we're never given a reason for why not all six of the Elements are applying for the job. It's one of those things that seems more the victim of word count limits than lack of authorial oversight, so I consider it minor.
Verdict: Despite feeling a tad worse on a second reading, this is still an easy pick for my top 3.
Something I liked:
How about... everything? This might still be my favorite of the bunch, but that does come with a small asterisk (which I'll get to). I love how this starts out with Dash utterly failing at meeting Luna's expectations, complete with making posters of herself in the dream; god, she's such a narcissist. The "in a cloud of dust and complaining" line also made me laugh, which is really hard to do. I like how the text never explicitly says this, but Fluttershy understands something about dreamwalking (and by extension Luna) that Dash and Pinkie don't. I can't get over how serene that ending is; it's pretty much perfect.
Something I didn't like:
The biggest criticism I can think, and this is just echoing previous reviews (which I hate doing), but I do wish we got more insight into why Fluttershy is doing this. Dash and Pinkie seemed to be chosen at random (actually, why were they candidates), and then there's Fluttershy. Luna said that there were three candidates, but we're never given a reason for why not all six of the Elements are applying for the job. It's one of those things that seems more the victim of word count limits than lack of authorial oversight, so I consider it minor.
Verdict: Despite feeling a tad worse on a second reading, this is still an easy pick for my top 3.
As others have noted, it is not at all obvious why these three were the only 'candidates', nor exactly what they are being tested for. Something else I feel important to add is that the ability to determine what Luna appreciates will not necessarily generalize to what any given pony will appreciate -- the distinction more valuable if they are to replace/supplement Luna as a dream guardian for other ponies, rather than a guardian for Luna exclusively.
That said, this was an enjoyable read. Dash failing horribly was handled fantastically, and the cut around Pinkie left just enough to the imagination. Then the interaction with Fluttershy just felt mwah, below the cerebral plane -- not sure if the butterfly was symbolic of anything in particular, but it was used with an expert hand (or a facsimile of same).
That said, this was an enjoyable read. Dash failing horribly was handled fantastically, and the cut around Pinkie left just enough to the imagination. Then the interaction with Fluttershy just felt mwah, below the cerebral plane -- not sure if the butterfly was symbolic of anything in particular, but it was used with an expert hand (or a facsimile of same).
Genre: Top Contender
Thoughts: Wait, sorry, I was supposed to make a dad-joke there about the genre. Must’ve been a Freudian slip about the tier I’m putting this in, because it’s amazing and I refuse to stop gushing about it.
I mean, look at this:
LOOK AT IT. It’s dead perfect considering the situation going on here. It gives actual breathing room between the focal characters, when most minifics feel like they’re four pounds of story crammed into a three-pound tin. It also represents the Author having a bit of fun with us readers while simultaneously sneaking in a deeply relevant bit of world- (or at least setting-) building.
Yes, I get the argument that others have made about the story not fully explaining why Fluttershy is best substitute dreamweaver. Nor does it explain why her, Dash, and Pinkie are the only candidates. However, for me anyway, I feel like that represents the Author taking a calculated risk with trusting the readers to fill in the blanks with our knowledge of canon characters and their characterization. I can totally buy that Dash would be brash enough to try—and fail. Of course Pinkie would gleefully give it a go. And I can buy that Flutters has grown enough in her bravery over the years to be willing to try—and that she has an inner calmness and sense of empathy for others that would be deep enough to give her a chance to succeed.
But that’s just me making peace with the headcanon here. Everything else is beautifully crafted, and presented without the barest hint of haste. This is what the true marriage of concept and execution can look like in a minific.
Which brings me back to where I started.
Tier: Top Contender
Thoughts: Wait, sorry, I was supposed to make a dad-joke there about the genre. Must’ve been a Freudian slip about the tier I’m putting this in, because it’s amazing and I refuse to stop gushing about it.
I mean, look at this:
For a few moments, they watched the water, as if it might do something other than ripple.
LOOK AT IT. It’s dead perfect considering the situation going on here. It gives actual breathing room between the focal characters, when most minifics feel like they’re four pounds of story crammed into a three-pound tin. It also represents the Author having a bit of fun with us readers while simultaneously sneaking in a deeply relevant bit of world- (or at least setting-) building.
Yes, I get the argument that others have made about the story not fully explaining why Fluttershy is best substitute dreamweaver. Nor does it explain why her, Dash, and Pinkie are the only candidates. However, for me anyway, I feel like that represents the Author taking a calculated risk with trusting the readers to fill in the blanks with our knowledge of canon characters and their characterization. I can totally buy that Dash would be brash enough to try—and fail. Of course Pinkie would gleefully give it a go. And I can buy that Flutters has grown enough in her bravery over the years to be willing to try—and that she has an inner calmness and sense of empathy for others that would be deep enough to give her a chance to succeed.
But that’s just me making peace with the headcanon here. Everything else is beautifully crafted, and presented without the barest hint of haste. This is what the true marriage of concept and execution can look like in a minific.
Which brings me back to where I started.
Tier: Top Contender
There are really a lot of:
Good stories this round! I love how this expands on that one line of Rainbow's from the Season Nine opener when she calls dibs on taking over as Dreamwalker after Luna retires. That's always been one of my favorite things to do with fanfiction: take something the show brushes against in passing and explore it further.
My only quibbles concern the parameters of the test--Luna disqualifies Dash when Dash can't find what frightens her, but then also disqualifies Pinkie even though just the first moment of Pinkie's attempt makes Luna whimper. I'd suggest adding more to the middle when expanding this for FimFic by having Rarity and AJ audition as well and gradually show us that the real problem of the story is that Luna doesn't want to retire. Fluttershy then comes in and allays those fears. But that's me: always with the suggestions.
I'll also mention that I don't really see a connection to the prompt here, but then I had the same problem with a story last round, and that story ended up winning 2nd place... :)
Mike
Good stories this round! I love how this expands on that one line of Rainbow's from the Season Nine opener when she calls dibs on taking over as Dreamwalker after Luna retires. That's always been one of my favorite things to do with fanfiction: take something the show brushes against in passing and explore it further.
My only quibbles concern the parameters of the test--Luna disqualifies Dash when Dash can't find what frightens her, but then also disqualifies Pinkie even though just the first moment of Pinkie's attempt makes Luna whimper. I'd suggest adding more to the middle when expanding this for FimFic by having Rarity and AJ audition as well and gradually show us that the real problem of the story is that Luna doesn't want to retire. Fluttershy then comes in and allays those fears. But that's me: always with the suggestions.
I'll also mention that I don't really see a connection to the prompt here, but then I had the same problem with a story last round, and that story ended up winning 2nd place... :)
Mike
I really like how you handle pacing and flow, here. You start and end each scene exactly where they need, and you deliver information at exactly the right places to develop the stakes of the story. I have to admit, that my own reading experience did hiccup at the hard scene break, but I reoriented myself pretty quickly, and it didn't really impact my overall perception of the story. Overall, this is just very well-constructed at both the high-level and the micro-level.
My only qualms with this story are minor, and they're ones that were already brought up by our other reviewers. I would like some more expansion on what makes Fluttershy in particular more suited to dream-crafting than Pinkie and Dash. At the moment, my interpretation is that it is because she has an attentiveness and a caring nature that the other two candidates don't have, but some more development on this idea would be nice, if it is what you were going for.
So overall, I thought this piece was excellent. Thank you very much for submitting it!
My only qualms with this story are minor, and they're ones that were already brought up by our other reviewers. I would like some more expansion on what makes Fluttershy in particular more suited to dream-crafting than Pinkie and Dash. At the moment, my interpretation is that it is because she has an attentiveness and a caring nature that the other two candidates don't have, but some more development on this idea would be nice, if it is what you were going for.
So overall, I thought this piece was excellent. Thank you very much for submitting it!
This is a fantastic premise that I'm curious if the show plans to cover in the coming episodes. I think the pacing here is very good, and the descriptions of dreamlike sequences and imperfections is well-done. It takes a lot to create something someone can get lost in while asleep, and sometimes hold on to when they awake, so it makes sense that it would need to be perfect. That said, I do think there is some fogginess on what it is that Luna's criteria are. My assumption is a willingness to learn, a natural aptitude and empathy. Fluttershy certainly has the former and latter in spades, and you do a good job of showcasing the third in the fic proper.
All of that said, the connection to the prompt is fairly weak, but that certainly didn't harm my enjoyment of it.
All of that said, the connection to the prompt is fairly weak, but that certainly didn't harm my enjoyment of it.
I really dig this, in no small part because I feel a kinship with the use of "Fluttershy is good at dreams" concept, but mostly because it's extraordinarily well composed. I was interested at the very first line and absolutely hooked by the time Dash got dusted; that description evoked a bit of Douglas Adams imagery in my mind, so extra credit for that, too.
Even in a round full of strong, emotionally charged contenders, this stands out as a top-tier entry. It's clean and tight through and through.
Even in a round full of strong, emotionally charged contenders, this stands out as a top-tier entry. It's clean and tight through and through.
Thanks so much, everyone. This round has always been the toughest for me, so it's wonderful to finally achieve what I was going for, and have people enjoy what I submitted.
I have some replies, but as a tl;dr: Yes, I cut out pretty much everything that would have solved everybody's issues.
Oops.
>>Trick_Question
Thank you! I promise you I am not aware
Well, "wasted entirely" assumes a lot about what I was going for. It's more-so that the payoff just wasn't clear enough. I didn't set it up for nothing.
Luna's fear isn't hidden from the reader. She's terrified that whoever will replace her won't be a good fit, and that the dreamers of Equestria will suffer. Fluttershy's final line is her relaxing these fears, thus completing the exam.
I'll make it better dw.
Is that such a disappointment? The final version of this story will lean on it harder, so don't worry, but her being caring and kind is intended to be the whole reason. It's her whole M.O. and why she cares for animals, and it's what the title was alluding to.
This is a great point, and I'll definitely be expanding on this.
I mentioned in the discord that I wasn't super happy about either of my entries going into the round, and this was the big hang-up for me in this one. It was really just a factor of wordcount. Funnily enough, though, I don't think she was really all that amazing, though I understand why people got that idea. I totally get the suggestion to have her struggle more in the build-up, but when I expand this I'll be taking it in a different direction...
Thanks for all your comments, Trick! Really happy to see you back here.
>>GrandMoffPony
I've just had a look at my calendar and I can't quite swing yesterday. But hopefully over the next couple of weeks.
I'll respond here and send you a red bell when it's all finished :).
And thanks for participating! I hope we see you again in the coming rounds.
>>No_Raisin
It's funny, I was worried people were gonna think that was stereotypical with no actual back-up. Because I deleted the back-up. Honestly, the stuff I edited out could well be another 750 words.
Thanks for mentioning this; I'll have to be careful not to ruin it.
I've already said this in the discord, but yes, this was cut, and will all be reinstated in the full version. I like the part a lot, but to give it any wordcount would have robbed some of the final scene, and it would have been kind of jarring to shove it in since it takes place outside of the dreamworld.
>>KwirkyJ
Hey, something that I can't say was answered in the director's cut! This is a very good point, and something I'll be keeping in mind. Thanks for commenting!
>>CoffeeMinion
This is the most accurate take in the entire thread. There were so many calculated risks going on that I was worried it would be too many. Thanks for leaving this comment, Coffee; I'm so glad you enjoyed. And it's great to have you back!
>>Baal Bunny
Right?? :D A few people seemed to be giving me credit for coming up with this idea when it was introduced in the show. Silly bronies not being caught up and such! Next short story round maybe I'll just submit a written re-telling of a Season Nine episode and watch as people tell me how brilliant and creative I am. Why, I should submit my resume to Hasbro.
This is a great suggestion and I hope it's okay that I'm not going to take it. :) I have a story to tell with their absences that I hope will give more stakes to Luna's mission.
Stop me if you've heard this before, but this got cut for length. I wanted more of the story to be some very light shipping of these two (I only really go light, anyways), and it encouraged me to make the final scene as tender as possible. But yeah, it's obviously not as strong a connection as any of the other stories.
Also, I don't think I would have come up with the title if it didn't sound similar to the prompt. So there's that?
Thanks for your thoughts, Mike! Appreciated as always.
>>Bachiavellian
It's funny, when you cut so much out of a story, you read it and all you can see is what's missing, And that makes it read way too goddamn fast. I'm glad to hear the pacing worked for you, because I can't read it without feeling like I should be easing on the brakes.
Hopefully the pacing is still good in the final product. Thanks, Bachi!
>>Flashgen
I've looked ahead at the synopses for the remaining episodes and it looks like they're only planning on answering this, if at all, during the finale(s).
So I'd better step on it.
Thank you for your comment!
>>Rao
Real talk, I was going for Thanos.
You're the best, Rao. And again, I hope the kerfuffle surrounding your entry didn't hinder your experience this round (or maybe it was even helpful in some way). Congrats on the bronze!!
Thanks again and bye bye!
I have some replies, but as a tl;dr: Yes, I cut out pretty much everything that would have solved everybody's issues.
Oops.
>>Trick_Question
This is beautifully written (as you are no doubt aware), and the story is good.
Thank you! I promise you I am not aware
I'm disappointed that you built up excellent suspense, then wasted it entirely. If failure to sense Luna's fear is disqualifying, and Rainbow Dash entered the dream with instructions to do so, I expected Fluttershy to have the same instructions.
Well, "wasted entirely" assumes a lot about what I was going for. It's more-so that the payoff just wasn't clear enough. I didn't set it up for nothing.
Luna's fear isn't hidden from the reader. She's terrified that whoever will replace her won't be a good fit, and that the dreamers of Equestria will suffer. Fluttershy's final line is her relaxing these fears, thus completing the exam.
I'll make it better dw.
It's obvious why Dash and Pinkie are interested, but I'm uncertain why Fluttershy would want to do this apart from general altruism toward ponies
Is that such a disappointment? The final version of this story will lean on it harder, so don't worry, but her being caring and kind is intended to be the whole reason. It's her whole M.O. and why she cares for animals, and it's what the title was alluding to.
I'd expect her to be the least willing pony to confront nightmares because she's the most fearful.
This is a great point, and I'll definitely be expanding on this.
I'm also left wondering why Fluttershy is nearly perfect at what is obviously a very difficult task.
I mentioned in the discord that I wasn't super happy about either of my entries going into the round, and this was the big hang-up for me in this one. It was really just a factor of wordcount. Funnily enough, though, I don't think she was really all that amazing, though I understand why people got that idea. I totally get the suggestion to have her struggle more in the build-up, but when I expand this I'll be taking it in a different direction...
Thanks for all your comments, Trick! Really happy to see you back here.
>>GrandMoffPony
This needs to be expanded and posted to Fimfic yesterday.
I've just had a look at my calendar and I can't quite swing yesterday. But hopefully over the next couple of weeks.
I'll respond here and send you a red bell when it's all finished :).
And thanks for participating! I hope we see you again in the coming rounds.
>>No_Raisin
I love how this starts out with Dash utterly failing at meeting Luna's expectations, complete with making posters of herself in the dream; god, she's such a narcissist.
It's funny, I was worried people were gonna think that was stereotypical with no actual back-up. Because I deleted the back-up. Honestly, the stuff I edited out could well be another 750 words.
I like how the text never explicitly says this, but Fluttershy understands something about dreamwalking (and by extension Luna) that Dash and Pinkie don't.
Thanks for mentioning this; I'll have to be careful not to ruin it.
Dash and Pinkie seemed to be chosen at random (actually, why were they candidates), and then there's Fluttershy. Luna said that there were three candidates, but we're never given a reason for why not all six of the Elements are applying for the job.
I've already said this in the discord, but yes, this was cut, and will all be reinstated in the full version. I like the part a lot, but to give it any wordcount would have robbed some of the final scene, and it would have been kind of jarring to shove it in since it takes place outside of the dreamworld.
>>KwirkyJ
the distinction more valuable if they are to replace/supplement Luna as a dream guardian for other ponies, rather than a guardian for Luna exclusively.
Hey, something that I can't say was answered in the director's cut! This is a very good point, and something I'll be keeping in mind. Thanks for commenting!
>>CoffeeMinion
However, for me anyway, I feel like that represents the Author taking a calculated risk with trusting the readers to fill in the blanks with our knowledge of canon characters and their characterization.
This is the most accurate take in the entire thread. There were so many calculated risks going on that I was worried it would be too many. Thanks for leaving this comment, Coffee; I'm so glad you enjoyed. And it's great to have you back!
>>Baal Bunny
I love how this expands on that one line of Rainbow's from the Season Nine opener when she calls dibs on taking over as Dreamwalker after Luna retires.
Right?? :D A few people seemed to be giving me credit for coming up with this idea when it was introduced in the show. Silly bronies not being caught up and such! Next short story round maybe I'll just submit a written re-telling of a Season Nine episode and watch as people tell me how brilliant and creative I am. Why, I should submit my resume to Hasbro.
I'd suggest adding more to the middle when expanding this for FimFic by having Rarity and AJ audition as well and gradually show us that the real problem of the story is that Luna doesn't want to retire.
This is a great suggestion and I hope it's okay that I'm not going to take it. :) I have a story to tell with their absences that I hope will give more stakes to Luna's mission.
I'll also mention that I don't really see a connection to the prompt here
Stop me if you've heard this before, but this got cut for length. I wanted more of the story to be some very light shipping of these two (I only really go light, anyways), and it encouraged me to make the final scene as tender as possible. But yeah, it's obviously not as strong a connection as any of the other stories.
Also, I don't think I would have come up with the title if it didn't sound similar to the prompt. So there's that?
Thanks for your thoughts, Mike! Appreciated as always.
>>Bachiavellian
I really like how you handle pacing and flow, here. You start and end each scene exactly where they need, and you deliver information at exactly the right places to develop the stakes of the story.
It's funny, when you cut so much out of a story, you read it and all you can see is what's missing, And that makes it read way too goddamn fast. I'm glad to hear the pacing worked for you, because I can't read it without feeling like I should be easing on the brakes.
Hopefully the pacing is still good in the final product. Thanks, Bachi!
>>Flashgen
This is a fantastic premise that I'm curious if the show plans to cover in the coming episodes.
I've looked ahead at the synopses for the remaining episodes and it looks like they're only planning on answering this, if at all, during the finale(s).
So I'd better step on it.
Thank you for your comment!
>>Rao
the time Dash got dusted; that description evoked a bit of Douglas Adams imagery in my mind, so extra credit for that, too.
Real talk, I was going for Thanos.
Even in a round full of strong, emotionally charged contenders, this stands out as a top-tier entry. It's clean and tight through and through.
You're the best, Rao. And again, I hope the kerfuffle surrounding your entry didn't hinder your experience this round (or maybe it was even helpful in some way). Congrats on the bronze!!
Thanks again and bye bye!
>>Miller Minus
My suggestions:
Are as ubiquitous and useful as kudzu... :)
I don't know how other people feel, but I always like it when folks give suggestions on my stuff. If it's something I've thought of and decided not to use, I can just nod and move on, and if it's something I haven't thought of, it gives me something to think about. If anyone finds it annoying, though, please let me know!
Mike
My suggestions:
Are as ubiquitous and useful as kudzu... :)
I don't know how other people feel, but I always like it when folks give suggestions on my stuff. If it's something I've thought of and decided not to use, I can just nod and move on, and if it's something I haven't thought of, it gives me something to think about. If anyone finds it annoying, though, please let me know!
Mike
>>Baal Bunny
No, no, suggest away. I have the exact same mindset as you; I just wanted to let you know that I still think the suggestion is great. Again, thank you for lending me your thoughts.
No, no, suggest away. I have the exact same mindset as you; I just wanted to let you know that I still think the suggestion is great. Again, thank you for lending me your thoughts.
I know the round's over, but I just gotta mention what a dang pleasure this story was to read. Wonderful example of what is possible in the tight word economy. I really wanted to make a drawing for this, but I've just been so busy lately.
Nice job on gold, Miller. You scoundrel.
Nice job on gold, Miller. You scoundrel.