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You Get an F in Shipping
Flurry did not like school. Easily the most boring thing ever invented. Between being as smart as she was and Princess Twilight Sparkle's own niece, she could just breeze through everything anypony else had to "teach" her. So she could spend her lectures doing much more important things. Her notebook was not full of useless notes, but things befitting a princess.
Her professors tried so hard too. At least they were cute—especially in pairs. They were all friends, so there was plenty of compatibility in personality. Even the colors of their coats went well together. Ponies underestimated how important that was. How could you be comfortable with a pony if you didn't look good standing next to them?
And honesty was important because blah blah blah. She was starting to get pretty good at drawing. One more bow on Applejack's dress, and it was a perfect little wedding scene on her page. She smiled.
When she looked up, Applejack was not smiling. She loomed over her with a stern expression. "That's enough. If you're not going to take me seriously, maybe it's time I find somepony who you will. And give me that." She snatched her notebook up, and carried it with her out of the room.
Welp, she was getting detention. The bell rang, and her classmates all filed out. They weren't going to wait She stayed in her seat. If Applejack was going to the headmare as she almost certainly was, there was no point in trying to run. She simply sat and awaited her fate.
Sure enough, she soon came back. But it wasn't with headmare Starlight. It was with a wicked grin and her mother. "Thank you, I'll talk with her," Cadance said. She walked in and closed the door behind her; Applejack waved as it shut. She sat down next to her, holding Flurry's notebook.
"Mom!? What are you doing here?" Flurry gaped.
"Unlucky for you, I happened to feel like visiting Ponyville today. Now, what is this?" She asked, flatly, with a hint of disappointment.
"Uh, my notebook?" Sass worked with her professors, why not her mom.
"You know what I mean," her mother hissed. She flipped it open. "This is a drawing of Applejack and Rarity getting married! Do you have any idea how inappropriate that is?"
"Do you have any idea how litt—"
"Applejack is obviously meant to be with Fluttershy. I thought I raised you better than this."
Flurry got along with her mother most of the time. But she could not let that stand. "She's cuter with Rarity, and besides, Fluttershy's taken."
"She can have more than one special somepony!" Cadance was starting to raise her voice.
Flurry stared her mother down. "She can, but do you think a traditional pony like Applejack is interested in that? Please."
Cadance was standing again, wings flared. "Well you're the crazy one if you think Rarity wants to be stuck on a farm for the rest of her life."
"And I suppose you have a better idea?"
"Twilight, obviously. It would be everything she ever wanted. And she would make Twily so happy."
Flurry gagged. "Are you serious? You'd put Twilight with her when Rainbow Dash is around? You must be getting senile."
"Everypony and their dog has put those two together. Sorry for trying to be original." Cadance rolled her eyes like she was the teenager.
"It's a classic!..."
Applejack stepped back from the door, trying to rub the soreness out of the ear that had been pressed against it. "I can't say that's what I had in mind when I ran into her ma. Don't really know what to think about all that."
Her other friends and a fair few students kept up the eavesdropping for a few moments more. Rarity turned and responded to her. "I agree; I was also hoping for more... chastisement. Though I am not terribly surprised, considering who those two are."
Applejack nodded. She realized that the students were all staring at her and Rarity. "What're y'all looking at?"
"You know, Applejack," Rarity said, "it occurs to me that our unruly little princess may have a few decent ideas. How would you like to get dinner sometime?"
"Really, Rarity?"
"Yes, of course. You're not a bad looking mare, you know."
"I... guess—"
There was a loud crash from inside the classroom. "I AM THE PRINCESS OF LOVE," Cadance screamed, "I THINK I KNOW MORE ABOUT THIS THAN YOU!"
Her professors tried so hard too. At least they were cute—especially in pairs. They were all friends, so there was plenty of compatibility in personality. Even the colors of their coats went well together. Ponies underestimated how important that was. How could you be comfortable with a pony if you didn't look good standing next to them?
And honesty was important because blah blah blah. She was starting to get pretty good at drawing. One more bow on Applejack's dress, and it was a perfect little wedding scene on her page. She smiled.
When she looked up, Applejack was not smiling. She loomed over her with a stern expression. "That's enough. If you're not going to take me seriously, maybe it's time I find somepony who you will. And give me that." She snatched her notebook up, and carried it with her out of the room.
Welp, she was getting detention. The bell rang, and her classmates all filed out. They weren't going to wait She stayed in her seat. If Applejack was going to the headmare as she almost certainly was, there was no point in trying to run. She simply sat and awaited her fate.
Sure enough, she soon came back. But it wasn't with headmare Starlight. It was with a wicked grin and her mother. "Thank you, I'll talk with her," Cadance said. She walked in and closed the door behind her; Applejack waved as it shut. She sat down next to her, holding Flurry's notebook.
"Mom!? What are you doing here?" Flurry gaped.
"Unlucky for you, I happened to feel like visiting Ponyville today. Now, what is this?" She asked, flatly, with a hint of disappointment.
"Uh, my notebook?" Sass worked with her professors, why not her mom.
"You know what I mean," her mother hissed. She flipped it open. "This is a drawing of Applejack and Rarity getting married! Do you have any idea how inappropriate that is?"
"Do you have any idea how litt—"
"Applejack is obviously meant to be with Fluttershy. I thought I raised you better than this."
Flurry got along with her mother most of the time. But she could not let that stand. "She's cuter with Rarity, and besides, Fluttershy's taken."
"She can have more than one special somepony!" Cadance was starting to raise her voice.
Flurry stared her mother down. "She can, but do you think a traditional pony like Applejack is interested in that? Please."
Cadance was standing again, wings flared. "Well you're the crazy one if you think Rarity wants to be stuck on a farm for the rest of her life."
"And I suppose you have a better idea?"
"Twilight, obviously. It would be everything she ever wanted. And she would make Twily so happy."
Flurry gagged. "Are you serious? You'd put Twilight with her when Rainbow Dash is around? You must be getting senile."
"Everypony and their dog has put those two together. Sorry for trying to be original." Cadance rolled her eyes like she was the teenager.
"It's a classic!..."
Applejack stepped back from the door, trying to rub the soreness out of the ear that had been pressed against it. "I can't say that's what I had in mind when I ran into her ma. Don't really know what to think about all that."
Her other friends and a fair few students kept up the eavesdropping for a few moments more. Rarity turned and responded to her. "I agree; I was also hoping for more... chastisement. Though I am not terribly surprised, considering who those two are."
Applejack nodded. She realized that the students were all staring at her and Rarity. "What're y'all looking at?"
"You know, Applejack," Rarity said, "it occurs to me that our unruly little princess may have a few decent ideas. How would you like to get dinner sometime?"
"Really, Rarity?"
"Yes, of course. You're not a bad looking mare, you know."
"I... guess—"
There was a loud crash from inside the classroom. "I AM THE PRINCESS OF LOVE," Cadance screamed, "I THINK I KNOW MORE ABOUT THIS THAN YOU!"
The story here is great. I laughed out loud at the obviously line. I legitimately didn't see it coming, so you did a great job of setting tone. That said, the story could use some proofing for grammar and other errors.
The last line is cringe-inducing rather than humorous because Cadance is literally screaming at her daughter, which I feel is a little too much for comedy. It would be much more amusing for me if she threw open the door and screamed it at Rarity and Applejack, because she'd be asserting she knows better than the ponies themselves.
The last line is cringe-inducing rather than humorous because Cadance is literally screaming at her daughter, which I feel is a little too much for comedy. It would be much more amusing for me if she threw open the door and screamed it at Rarity and Applejack, because she'd be asserting she knows better than the ponies themselves.
Two fics in a row now that have specifically name dropped RariTwi. I sense a Monochromatic fan club in our midst. :D
Anyway, this was pretty enjoyable. A few grammar glitches here and there, but easily polished. The second scene seemed rather abrupt, but tight word counts do that to all of us. Could benefit from some expansion though.
Speaking of that, I would enjoy an expanded version of this for sure. The idea of 'Cadance and Flurry Heart arguing over who has the better Shipping Eye' could be quite fun.
Anyway, this was pretty enjoyable. A few grammar glitches here and there, but easily polished. The second scene seemed rather abrupt, but tight word counts do that to all of us. Could benefit from some expansion though.
Speaking of that, I would enjoy an expanded version of this for sure. The idea of 'Cadance and Flurry Heart arguing over who has the better Shipping Eye' could be quite fun.
Let me again:
Agree with >>Trick_Question about that last line. Cadance absolutely has to be shouting it at Rarity and Applejack as the whole "Who are you going to believe? Me or your lying eyes?" crescendo to the piece. All kinds of fun here!
Mike
Agree with >>Trick_Question about that last line. Cadance absolutely has to be shouting it at Rarity and Applejack as the whole "Who are you going to believe? Me or your lying eyes?" crescendo to the piece. All kinds of fun here!
Mike
As other have noted, the twist at obviously really establishes this one, and boy does it commit. I find it curious that Flurry, pubescent at best [citaiton needed], can go toe-to-toe with her much more experienced mother in these matters, but it's silly enough that I can't get too excited about that niggle.
I also infer in that last scene, hopefully correctly, that Cadance is, in her mind, emphatically dissuading Applejack and Rarity from a terrible mistake. Had I time to draw, I would have her absolutely Kool-Aid Mare into that line.
ETA: Upon re-reading, I realize that my take on the ending was not based in the text. Cadance is clearly screaming at her daughter in frustration, which takes things way too far to be fun anymore. I like my ending better. Also, different readers seem to have very different perspective on Flurry's age, which can definitely impact how they view the argument with Cady.
ETA: Upon re-reading, I realize that my take on the ending was not based in the text. Cadance is clearly screaming at her daughter in frustration, which takes things way too far to be fun anymore. I like my ending better. Also, different readers seem to have very different perspective on Flurry's age, which can definitely impact how they view the argument with Cady.
Flurry Heart clearly thinks she's in a mid-2000s high school comedy.
Something I liked:
Despite not being told in the first person, this entry does a really good job at putting us in the head of this really petty bitch. (I'm sorry, but that's what Flurry is in the context of the story.) It's like almost stream-of-consciousness in how the narrative is constantly interrupted by Flurry's own POV. Apparently she's training to become the Princess of Shipping, and her mother thinks she knows more about shipping than Flurry does. Very obvious meta humor, and kind of veering into crackfic territory, but most of it is silly enough for me to get wrapped up in the hijinks. Up to a point...
Something I didn't like:
What is it with these comedy entries and poorly handled endings? But this one is particularly frustrating because of the perspective change, and, as many have said before, Cadance is yelling at the wrong person. It's not funny, and it feels out-of-character, even by the standard set here. I can see this version of Cadance arguing with this version of Flurry over shipping, but yelling seems too much. The half-assed RariJack ship doesn't help.
Verdict: I mean, it works as a comedy, but it clearly suffers from being a minific.
Something I liked:
Despite not being told in the first person, this entry does a really good job at putting us in the head of this really petty bitch. (I'm sorry, but that's what Flurry is in the context of the story.) It's like almost stream-of-consciousness in how the narrative is constantly interrupted by Flurry's own POV. Apparently she's training to become the Princess of Shipping, and her mother thinks she knows more about shipping than Flurry does. Very obvious meta humor, and kind of veering into crackfic territory, but most of it is silly enough for me to get wrapped up in the hijinks. Up to a point...
Something I didn't like:
What is it with these comedy entries and poorly handled endings? But this one is particularly frustrating because of the perspective change, and, as many have said before, Cadance is yelling at the wrong person. It's not funny, and it feels out-of-character, even by the standard set here. I can see this version of Cadance arguing with this version of Flurry over shipping, but yelling seems too much. The half-assed RariJack ship doesn't help.
Verdict: I mean, it works as a comedy, but it clearly suffers from being a minific.
This has a really cute idea, and it's basically perfect in scope and reach for a minific. I think the payoff is basically perfect for what this fic is trying to do.
I will have to note, though, that I think the first section of this story definitely feels the weakest to me. You've done a great job of immediately informing us of Flurry's age and current status, but there's no strong hook or conflict until Cadance walks into the room. So we end up spending about 250 words—which is a very non-trivial amount of time in a minific—kind of spinning our wheels.
Another thing that I'd like to kind of point out from my reading experience, is that while your prose definitely gets the job done, you might want to look into varying your sentence structure a little. There's a tendency in the non-dialogue prose for a lot of shorter, rapid-fire, single-clause sentences to come one right after the other. Short sentences are great for making the statements feel punchy, but when you've got so many of them all together, it can wear on the reader and make it feel like you're reading a shopping list of events, rather than a single cohesive experience. Good news is, this tendency virtually does not exist at all in your dialogue, so the only bits that were really impacted was the first section.
So, in terms of suggestions, I think I'd focus on that opening, if I were you. I really think that finding a way to introduce the conflict a little faster and working on your sentence-to-sentence flow would really make this piece feel a lot more grabbing, from start to finish.
Thank you for submitting!
I will have to note, though, that I think the first section of this story definitely feels the weakest to me. You've done a great job of immediately informing us of Flurry's age and current status, but there's no strong hook or conflict until Cadance walks into the room. So we end up spending about 250 words—which is a very non-trivial amount of time in a minific—kind of spinning our wheels.
Another thing that I'd like to kind of point out from my reading experience, is that while your prose definitely gets the job done, you might want to look into varying your sentence structure a little. There's a tendency in the non-dialogue prose for a lot of shorter, rapid-fire, single-clause sentences to come one right after the other. Short sentences are great for making the statements feel punchy, but when you've got so many of them all together, it can wear on the reader and make it feel like you're reading a shopping list of events, rather than a single cohesive experience. Good news is, this tendency virtually does not exist at all in your dialogue, so the only bits that were really impacted was the first section.
So, in terms of suggestions, I think I'd focus on that opening, if I were you. I really think that finding a way to introduce the conflict a little faster and working on your sentence-to-sentence flow would really make this piece feel a lot more grabbing, from start to finish.
Thank you for submitting!
Genre: Princess Fight
Thoughts: This is one of those stories where I don’t end up feeling personally invested in what’s going on, but I can’t really argue with the structure, execution, or much else. Moody teen(?) Flurry duking it out with shippy mama is kind of a miss for me. But that’s hardly the author’s fault, and I’m not deducting points for it.
So let’s pick at a couple things that I think would help punch this up regardless.
My first bone to pick is about Flurry Heart’s age. Honestly, I thought she was around six or eight until the line where Cadance is likened to being “the teenager.” That was a big swerve for me! I very much felt that she was written younger based on her word choice and overall attitude. Furthermore, it pushes the bounds of plausibility about the M6’s status. Surely by the time Flurry is 13, which might be 15 if not closer to 20 years after the show’s debut, more than just Fluttershy would’ve gotten hitched/attached? I dunno.Props for leaving room for muh Fluttercord, tho. Regardless, some greater clarity here would be helpful.
Let’s also pick a bit on Cadance. IMO it’s rather overly convenient that she just happens to be wandering by at this moment. I think there’s a wasted opportunity for some kind of “call your mother” threat/joke (backed up by Cadance’s ability to teleport down quickly)—like maybe Starlight is tired of Flurry not listening to her, or AJ is tired of Starlight “not dealin’ properly” with the disrespectful filly (of indeterminate age). I do think Cadance’s outburst at the end could work, though I’m with >>KwirkyJ in thinking it’d be vastly funnier to have Cadance Kool-Aid-Mare it into the Rarity/AJ thing rather than yelling at her daughter. I’m not overly offended by the parent-at-child outburst (God knows parenthood is neither easy nor practiced by perfect people/ponies), but again, I feel like it’s it’s not maximizing the available humor potential.
However, bottom line, I think this works very well at being a non-serious bit of meta humor. Yeah there are some things I’d do differently if it was mine, but it’s not, and I can’t deny that it works, even though it’s not entirely my thing.
Tier:Strong Almost There — My apologies, Author, but through no fault of yours I found this ended up shifting tiers when I sat down and went back over my final voting slate in toto. I ended up changing around a couple stories that I had planned to abstain or not abstain on, which threw off a couple of my planned rankings.
Thoughts: This is one of those stories where I don’t end up feeling personally invested in what’s going on, but I can’t really argue with the structure, execution, or much else. Moody teen(?) Flurry duking it out with shippy mama is kind of a miss for me. But that’s hardly the author’s fault, and I’m not deducting points for it.
So let’s pick at a couple things that I think would help punch this up regardless.
My first bone to pick is about Flurry Heart’s age. Honestly, I thought she was around six or eight until the line where Cadance is likened to being “the teenager.” That was a big swerve for me! I very much felt that she was written younger based on her word choice and overall attitude. Furthermore, it pushes the bounds of plausibility about the M6’s status. Surely by the time Flurry is 13, which might be 15 if not closer to 20 years after the show’s debut, more than just Fluttershy would’ve gotten hitched/attached? I dunno.
Let’s also pick a bit on Cadance. IMO it’s rather overly convenient that she just happens to be wandering by at this moment. I think there’s a wasted opportunity for some kind of “call your mother” threat/joke (backed up by Cadance’s ability to teleport down quickly)—like maybe Starlight is tired of Flurry not listening to her, or AJ is tired of Starlight “not dealin’ properly” with the disrespectful filly (of indeterminate age). I do think Cadance’s outburst at the end could work, though I’m with >>KwirkyJ in thinking it’d be vastly funnier to have Cadance Kool-Aid-Mare it into the Rarity/AJ thing rather than yelling at her daughter. I’m not overly offended by the parent-at-child outburst (God knows parenthood is neither easy nor practiced by perfect people/ponies), but again, I feel like it’s it’s not maximizing the available humor potential.
However, bottom line, I think this works very well at being a non-serious bit of meta humor. Yeah there are some things I’d do differently if it was mine, but it’s not, and I can’t deny that it works, even though it’s not entirely my thing.
Tier:
>>KwirkyJ
>>CoffeeMinion
Just an outside comment now that this has come up a couple of times. I'm not sure how anypony can read this as Flurry Heart being younger than high school age. Her dialogue is markedly adult. Drawing a picture of a wedding dress complete with bows is not something a small child can (or would) do. Applejack only teaches teenagers and adults. Flurry is insolent and perhaps indolent (I don't agree with >>No_Raisin that she's being petty or a bitch, though Cadence is absolutely being both), and she's still beholden to her mother, so she's obviously an older teen. Nothing else fits, and there are no misleading hints that she's some other age. Initially I thought she might be younger than teen, but it doesn't take long for the story to establish it firmly.
Maybe some of this is because we have expectations for the characters. I don't expect Flurry to be a child when she's not clearly a baby, but I've written multiple stories where she's an adult. (And also one where she's ninety-seven years old but still acts like a teenager emotionally due to slow maturation rate for alicorns, which is canon (see JotS).) Perhaps that makes it less likely for me to assume she's going to be very young.
>>CoffeeMinion
Just an outside comment now that this has come up a couple of times. I'm not sure how anypony can read this as Flurry Heart being younger than high school age. Her dialogue is markedly adult. Drawing a picture of a wedding dress complete with bows is not something a small child can (or would) do. Applejack only teaches teenagers and adults. Flurry is insolent and perhaps indolent (I don't agree with >>No_Raisin that she's being petty or a bitch, though Cadence is absolutely being both), and she's still beholden to her mother, so she's obviously an older teen. Nothing else fits, and there are no misleading hints that she's some other age. Initially I thought she might be younger than teen, but it doesn't take long for the story to establish it firmly.
Maybe some of this is because we have expectations for the characters. I don't expect Flurry to be a child when she's not clearly a baby, but I've written multiple stories where she's an adult. (And also one where she's ninety-seven years old but still acts like a teenager emotionally due to slow maturation rate for alicorns, which is canon (see JotS).) Perhaps that makes it less likely for me to assume she's going to be very young.
>>Trick_Question
I think it depends on the kid. Definitely by 7 or so they can be pretty capable in terms of speech, artistic ability, or whatnot. Of course they’re far from mature or well-rounded by that point, so they might have a surprising capacity for one thing while being entirely average at others. But given that the text establishes quite early on that she’s a prodigy, I guess that’s where my head went.
(Somewhere, somehow, this must surely be my children’s fault.) :-p
I think it depends on the kid. Definitely by 7 or so they can be pretty capable in terms of speech, artistic ability, or whatnot. Of course they’re far from mature or well-rounded by that point, so they might have a surprising capacity for one thing while being entirely average at others. But given that the text establishes quite early on that she’s a prodigy, I guess that’s where my head went.
(Somewhere, somehow, this must surely be my children’s fault.) :-p
