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Cutting the Pinkiean Knot
Shining pulls his cruiser into the diner's parking lot, kills the engine, and takes a deep breath.
"If anyone's listening up there, please, give me strength."
"Officer Shiny! Thank goodness you're here." Pinkie Pie zips across the diner and skids to a halt, her roller skates leaving long streaks against the diner's tiles. "I tell you what, Johnny Law, we got us a real doozy of a problem on our hands. A couple'a no-goodniks stinkin' up the joint!"
Shining Armor glances around the mostly empty diner. "And where might I find these, um, 'no-goodniks?'"
Pinkie cracks her arm like a whip, pointing at the only two patrons: two girls, seated back-to-back at adjoining booths. They're around Pinkie's age; one's sipping a cup of coffee, while the other enjoys an omelette.
Shining thinks of the hoagie he had to toss to make this call. His stomach rumbles. "What, exactly, are they doing?"
"It's not what they're doing, it's what they're not doing that they should be doing."
"And that is?"
"Each other!" Her screech startles both girls into taking notice. In as close to a quiet voice as she can approximate, Pinkie continues. "Naturally, after leaving the premises and getting a room."
"You want me to arrest these two girls for... not acting indecently in public?" Shining raises an eyebrow. "Do they even know each other?"
"No, and they never will unless one of them makes a move." Pinkie pulls in close and drops her voice. "Believe me, I've tried everything to make that happen. I tipped the tap and zipped the zap; I clinged the clang and shook my thang; I served and shoved and pushed and pulled and willed it to happen, but those two refuse to dink the ol' coinky."
"'Scuse me," one of the girls interrupts, adjusting a pair of taped-up glasses. "Could I get some fries."
"Fries? Fries?! I've been trying to plate you the meal of true love for thirty minutes, and you ask for fries?!"
"Pinkie." Shining takes Pinkie by the shoulders as the hapless patron slumps in her seat. "You called the police for a reason. What reason would that be?"
"Simple. Those two are perfect for one another; it'd be criminal for 'em not to walk out of here together." Pinkie folds her arms. "Either make 'em make with the smooches, or cuff 'em and book 'em in a low-security prison. Where, if my knowledge of adult cinema holds, they will make with the smooches anyway."
I threw away a hoagie for this.
"Okay, Pinkie. Just..." Shining twirls Pinkie (simple, thanks to her skates) and lightly nudges her toward the kitchen. "Go in the back and count jellybeans, or something."
"Ooh. Candy-math. Best kinda math there is." Pinkie rolls, never losing momentum somehow. "Next to cake-ulus."
Grumbling, Shining approaches the two girls, reaching for his wallet. They watch him warily; the second girl, a curvy redhead with a beauty mark, has long since forgotten her omelette.
Shining fishes out a pair of twenties and drops one on each table. "Here's forty bucks. Go see a movie."
The girls look quizzically at him.
"Look, you don't have to talk to each other again after today if you don't want to," Shining blurts. "That girl's friends with my sister, and if I don't do something to shut her up, she'll give my sister an earful, who'll give my fiancée an earful, and then I'll never hear the end of it. So go see a movie, on me. Please don't sue this place. Okay?"
The girls look quizzically at each other. At the money. At each other.
Glasses shrugs. "Yeah, alright."
"Reckon that'd be fun," says Redhead.
They get up from their tables and make for the exit, giggling. Redhead's fingertips play lightly with Glasses's as they leave the diner behind.
Shining Armor doffs his hat and sighs.
A shrill note shrieked from his right makes him spin – Pinkie Pie is standing there, a chocolate malt in her hand.
"Oh, Officer Shiny, thankyouthankyouthankyou so much; I couldn'ta done it without you." She shoves the malt into Shining's arms, almost splashing whipped cream against his uniform. "Here. On me."
She zips away, whistling.
Shining Armor sits in the booth formerly occupied by Glasses. There's an unused straw on the table. He opens it, dips it in the cup, and morosely takes a chocolatey sip. He may have lost forty bucks, but at least he's gained four hundred calories.
"I would've rather had the hoagie."
"If anyone's listening up there, please, give me strength."
"Officer Shiny! Thank goodness you're here." Pinkie Pie zips across the diner and skids to a halt, her roller skates leaving long streaks against the diner's tiles. "I tell you what, Johnny Law, we got us a real doozy of a problem on our hands. A couple'a no-goodniks stinkin' up the joint!"
Shining Armor glances around the mostly empty diner. "And where might I find these, um, 'no-goodniks?'"
Pinkie cracks her arm like a whip, pointing at the only two patrons: two girls, seated back-to-back at adjoining booths. They're around Pinkie's age; one's sipping a cup of coffee, while the other enjoys an omelette.
Shining thinks of the hoagie he had to toss to make this call. His stomach rumbles. "What, exactly, are they doing?"
"It's not what they're doing, it's what they're not doing that they should be doing."
"And that is?"
"Each other!" Her screech startles both girls into taking notice. In as close to a quiet voice as she can approximate, Pinkie continues. "Naturally, after leaving the premises and getting a room."
"You want me to arrest these two girls for... not acting indecently in public?" Shining raises an eyebrow. "Do they even know each other?"
"No, and they never will unless one of them makes a move." Pinkie pulls in close and drops her voice. "Believe me, I've tried everything to make that happen. I tipped the tap and zipped the zap; I clinged the clang and shook my thang; I served and shoved and pushed and pulled and willed it to happen, but those two refuse to dink the ol' coinky."
"'Scuse me," one of the girls interrupts, adjusting a pair of taped-up glasses. "Could I get some fries."
"Fries? Fries?! I've been trying to plate you the meal of true love for thirty minutes, and you ask for fries?!"
"Pinkie." Shining takes Pinkie by the shoulders as the hapless patron slumps in her seat. "You called the police for a reason. What reason would that be?"
"Simple. Those two are perfect for one another; it'd be criminal for 'em not to walk out of here together." Pinkie folds her arms. "Either make 'em make with the smooches, or cuff 'em and book 'em in a low-security prison. Where, if my knowledge of adult cinema holds, they will make with the smooches anyway."
I threw away a hoagie for this.
"Okay, Pinkie. Just..." Shining twirls Pinkie (simple, thanks to her skates) and lightly nudges her toward the kitchen. "Go in the back and count jellybeans, or something."
"Ooh. Candy-math. Best kinda math there is." Pinkie rolls, never losing momentum somehow. "Next to cake-ulus."
Grumbling, Shining approaches the two girls, reaching for his wallet. They watch him warily; the second girl, a curvy redhead with a beauty mark, has long since forgotten her omelette.
Shining fishes out a pair of twenties and drops one on each table. "Here's forty bucks. Go see a movie."
The girls look quizzically at him.
"Look, you don't have to talk to each other again after today if you don't want to," Shining blurts. "That girl's friends with my sister, and if I don't do something to shut her up, she'll give my sister an earful, who'll give my fiancée an earful, and then I'll never hear the end of it. So go see a movie, on me. Please don't sue this place. Okay?"
The girls look quizzically at each other. At the money. At each other.
Glasses shrugs. "Yeah, alright."
"Reckon that'd be fun," says Redhead.
They get up from their tables and make for the exit, giggling. Redhead's fingertips play lightly with Glasses's as they leave the diner behind.
Shining Armor doffs his hat and sighs.
A shrill note shrieked from his right makes him spin – Pinkie Pie is standing there, a chocolate malt in her hand.
"Oh, Officer Shiny, thankyouthankyouthankyou so much; I couldn'ta done it without you." She shoves the malt into Shining's arms, almost splashing whipped cream against his uniform. "Here. On me."
She zips away, whistling.
Shining Armor sits in the booth formerly occupied by Glasses. There's an unused straw on the table. He opens it, dips it in the cup, and morosely takes a chocolatey sip. He may have lost forty bucks, but at least he's gained four hundred calories.
"I would've rather had the hoagie."
This vignette is cute and visually entertaining, but I think the shipping could use more support in the story.
The biggest thing that would help this story is a stronger characterization of Cherries Jubilee and Moondancer. Nothing is gained by being catty about who you're referring to, and we see almost nothing of their feelings and reactions. I realize this is a story about Shining Armor and to a lesser extent Pinkie Pie rather than the ship, but the shipping activity is the central theme so those characters need some development.
It's tempting to write Pinkie being random and nuts, but she still needs motivation. We're provided with no clue why she saw potential romance in these two patrons, and random matchmaking isn't something she typically does (though I'm behind on EQG so maybe that's not the case). We're not shown why Pinkie is so adamant that this pair needs to be together.
It feels very strange that the two girls suddenly have chemistry when no previous relationship between them was established. They weren't even sitting together, and suddenly they're getting handsy.
Overall, the interactions here were sweet and fun. If you can show us what Pinkie sees in the girls, I think this would make for a nice minific.
The biggest thing that would help this story is a stronger characterization of Cherries Jubilee and Moondancer. Nothing is gained by being catty about who you're referring to, and we see almost nothing of their feelings and reactions. I realize this is a story about Shining Armor and to a lesser extent Pinkie Pie rather than the ship, but the shipping activity is the central theme so those characters need some development.
It's tempting to write Pinkie being random and nuts, but she still needs motivation. We're provided with no clue why she saw potential romance in these two patrons, and random matchmaking isn't something she typically does (though I'm behind on EQG so maybe that's not the case). We're not shown why Pinkie is so adamant that this pair needs to be together.
It feels very strange that the two girls suddenly have chemistry when no previous relationship between them was established. They weren't even sitting together, and suddenly they're getting handsy.
Overall, the interactions here were sweet and fun. If you can show us what Pinkie sees in the girls, I think this would make for a nice minific.
Fun:
I'll agree with >>Trick_Question that the giggling and glasses-tapping--isn't that what the kids are calling it these days?--happens mighty quickly here, and I'd welcome more of Pinkie spewing other observations she's made at school or around town that have led her to understand that these two need to be together.
But my biggest concern is the hoagy. Why did Shining have to throw it away? If he was at the station house when he got Pinkie's call, surely they have a refrigerator in the break room or something? And if he was in his car, couldn't he just set it in the passenger seat?
For that matter, don't cops always have partners when they go out on calls? In EQG land, maybe Shiny's got Flash Magnus or cynical old Wind Rider along with him...
Anyway, I definitely would like to see this expanded and posted on FimFiction. Good stuff!
Mike
I'll agree with >>Trick_Question that the giggling and glasses-tapping--isn't that what the kids are calling it these days?--happens mighty quickly here, and I'd welcome more of Pinkie spewing other observations she's made at school or around town that have led her to understand that these two need to be together.
But my biggest concern is the hoagy. Why did Shining have to throw it away? If he was at the station house when he got Pinkie's call, surely they have a refrigerator in the break room or something? And if he was in his car, couldn't he just set it in the passenger seat?
For that matter, don't cops always have partners when they go out on calls? In EQG land, maybe Shiny's got Flash Magnus or cynical old Wind Rider along with him...
Anyway, I definitely would like to see this expanded and posted on FimFiction. Good stuff!
Mike
This is really fun and cute. All the characters sound off strongly, and the central idea is sugary enough to keep me hooked throughout the length of a minific.
By the end of things, though, I'm a little bit confused about what the actual payoff of this story is supposed to be. It's definitely not seeing the two girls get together, because they say a grand total of six words and aren't even named. I'm not sure that it's Pinkie Pie, because she remains pretty much static throughout the story, and is not involved at all with the resolution. So I'm left with thinking that this must be a story about Shining Armor somehow, but he doesn't really get the spotlight with any joke deliveries or the like. So despite being the perspective character, he comes across as a bit sidelined.
So I think I would say, as a pure vehicle for joke delivery, this piece does a good job. But as an actual story, it never really builds any bones around the jokes it delivers. My suggestion would be to think about how you want to frame Shining Armor's arc throughout this piece (if I'm correct to assume that he is the central point of the story).
I'll just end by reiterating that I thought Pinkie was super fun, here. Thank you for entering!
By the end of things, though, I'm a little bit confused about what the actual payoff of this story is supposed to be. It's definitely not seeing the two girls get together, because they say a grand total of six words and aren't even named. I'm not sure that it's Pinkie Pie, because she remains pretty much static throughout the story, and is not involved at all with the resolution. So I'm left with thinking that this must be a story about Shining Armor somehow, but he doesn't really get the spotlight with any joke deliveries or the like. So despite being the perspective character, he comes across as a bit sidelined.
So I think I would say, as a pure vehicle for joke delivery, this piece does a good job. But as an actual story, it never really builds any bones around the jokes it delivers. My suggestion would be to think about how you want to frame Shining Armor's arc throughout this piece (if I'm correct to assume that he is the central point of the story).
I'll just end by reiterating that I thought Pinkie was super fun, here. Thank you for entering!
This one clearly doesn't take itself seriously, and is all the better for it. Pinkie is being ridiculous, but she has a very clear objective and will go to nearly any length to get it; Shining is left to deal; as for Pinkie's targets… well, they're just dense as lead, and it works.
The one thing I would voice to change would be a single sentence, where they leave twining fingers -- if it is a romantic gesture, as it would more likely be perceived in the US (where most of the witeoff-ers are, afaik), it is not well-earned in the story... Shining gets them to do enough of the thing that Pinkie was after, and that's all anyone cares about; if it is a platonic gesture, which still might happen in a US-like setting and may be more common elsewhere (South America, Europe), it is probably unnecessary to detail? Being honest, my perception is definitely colored by the former, where by drawing attention to it, especially in such a short form, it's very significant and thus must be close friendship at minimum.
A very fun, light read!
ETA: If the title is supposed to be referencing something, it is lost on me.
The one thing I would voice to change would be a single sentence, where they leave twining fingers -- if it is a romantic gesture, as it would more likely be perceived in the US (where most of the witeoff-ers are, afaik), it is not well-earned in the story... Shining gets them to do enough of the thing that Pinkie was after, and that's all anyone cares about; if it is a platonic gesture, which still might happen in a US-like setting and may be more common elsewhere (South America, Europe), it is probably unnecessary to detail? Being honest, my perception is definitely colored by the former, where by drawing attention to it, especially in such a short form, it's very significant and thus must be close friendship at minimum.
A very fun, light read!
ETA: If the title is supposed to be referencing something, it is lost on me.
I fought the law, and the law won.
Something I liked:
There's something funny about Shining Armor, who is a goddamn member of royalty in horse world, being kind of your average cop walking the beat in the EqG world. The poor bastard, he can't seem to catch a break. I think it was a good idea to have the perspective of the story be anchored to his side of things. Then there's Pinkie, who for the most part feels right. There some words she uses that seem more fitting for Applejack (it's really weird, this country-flavored Pinkie), but generally she acts about as simultaneously carefree and concerned with the plight of others as she should be.
Something I didn't like:
The ending falls flat for me in a few ways. Once again this is a comedy entry that has pretty good build-up, but can't quite stick the landing, at least imo. For one, the hoagie. It seems like the author thought that planting the seed of Shining throwing out his hoagie (why did he do this) to address Pinkie's call would result in a really funny payoff, and unfortunately it didn't. Then there's the girls (Moondancer and Cherry Jubilee according to TQ, but how the fuck do I know, I'm color blind), who for some reason are never identified, and whose identities are only alluded to in a very coy way. It bugged me.
Verdict: It's cute. It's grounded enough to not be a crackfic. Hillbilly Pinkie Pie is my spirit animal.
Something I liked:
There's something funny about Shining Armor, who is a goddamn member of royalty in horse world, being kind of your average cop walking the beat in the EqG world. The poor bastard, he can't seem to catch a break. I think it was a good idea to have the perspective of the story be anchored to his side of things. Then there's Pinkie, who for the most part feels right. There some words she uses that seem more fitting for Applejack (it's really weird, this country-flavored Pinkie), but generally she acts about as simultaneously carefree and concerned with the plight of others as she should be.
Something I didn't like:
The ending falls flat for me in a few ways. Once again this is a comedy entry that has pretty good build-up, but can't quite stick the landing, at least imo. For one, the hoagie. It seems like the author thought that planting the seed of Shining throwing out his hoagie (why did he do this) to address Pinkie's call would result in a really funny payoff, and unfortunately it didn't. Then there's the girls (Moondancer and Cherry Jubilee according to TQ, but how the fuck do I know, I'm color blind), who for some reason are never identified, and whose identities are only alluded to in a very coy way. It bugged me.
Verdict: It's cute. It's grounded enough to not be a crackfic. Hillbilly Pinkie Pie is my spirit animal.
>>Bachiavellian stole my review. I had it all ready to go in my head and then I got to the comments and there were all my thoughts, exactly in the order I was going to say them.
Officer Shiny, arrest this man.
Officer Shiny, arrest this man.
>>Miller Minus
No, Officer. Arrest this man for giving me a red bell and making me think my story was reviewed!
No, Officer. Arrest this man for giving me a red bell and making me think my story was reviewed!
I like the comedy on display here, and funny enough I watched the EqG shorts that dealt with Pinkie working at a diner and shipping up guests on the regular after my initial reading, so I get a bit more enjoyment on the re-read. That said, I will agree the resolution of the actual people being shipped here is a bit quick, and seeing them walk away simply amicable would be a bit stronger, providing some juxtaposition between their neutral attitude about things with Pinkie's rather bold certainty that they'll end up romantically involved somewhere down the line.
Perhaps a series of scenes where they keep coming back, still not together, and Pinkie gets more insistent and serious than she already was? Just a thought.
Anyhow, loved Pinkie's dialogue and mannerisms contrasted with Shining's reaction to the whole thing.
Perhaps a series of scenes where they keep coming back, still not together, and Pinkie gets more insistent and serious than she already was? Just a thought.
Anyhow, loved Pinkie's dialogue and mannerisms contrasted with Shining's reaction to the whole thing.
The dialogue here is well-paced, and Pinkie's voice comes through clearly--it's always good when I can easily hear the character in my head delivering the lines.
That said, her voice doesn't need to be quite as dominant as it is here. Maybe there could be a bit where Pinkie asks Shining to just *watch* the interactions of the two girls (because, y'know, more extreme awkwardness is exactly what Shining needs in this story.) There are lots of good suggestions here for how you might show the potential for romance between the two. Unless this is really about Pinkie just forming wild unfounded schemes. Which is also fine.
Shining makes a good straight man with comedic value of his own. All in all, a solid effort!
That said, her voice doesn't need to be quite as dominant as it is here. Maybe there could be a bit where Pinkie asks Shining to just *watch* the interactions of the two girls (because, y'know, more extreme awkwardness is exactly what Shining needs in this story.) There are lots of good suggestions here for how you might show the potential for romance between the two. Unless this is really about Pinkie just forming wild unfounded schemes. Which is also fine.
Shining makes a good straight man with comedic value of his own. All in all, a solid effort!
>>Baal Bunny
>>Bachiavellian
>>KwirkyJ
>>No_Raisin
>>Miller Minus
>>Flashgen
>>WillowWren
>>Trick_Question
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EKGydWrGEjc
That was the joke.
>>Bachiavellian
>>KwirkyJ
>>No_Raisin
>>Miller Minus
>>Flashgen
>>WillowWren
>>Trick_Question
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EKGydWrGEjc
That was the joke.