This story caused some liquid pride. Not gonna lie. You cover well-trodden ground, both canonical and trope-wise (except for Derpy's vision, which is a nice nod to a recent gut-punch in canon), but the story still packs some powerful feels.

The emotions here might be a tiny bit overwrought. There are three places characters are crying or almost crying, and pulling back on that a little might be more palatable to certain readers. It works for me, but I'm a softy. Maybe somepony else will feel differently.

This is super-minor, but I worry the penultimate sentence gets in the way of connecting the one before it and the last sentence. My concern is that some readers aren't going to get the idea that the letters have been delivered, which I suspect is the critical message of the story.

No one's ever really gone.

Something I liked:

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...

Something I didn't like:

I can see some people getting emotionally invested in this entry, as evidenced by TQ's review. But unfortunately for the author, I'm a heartless bastard who won't be moved by multi-colored horses leaking fluid from their eyeballs. In a way this feels a lot like "Part and Parcel," except this feels a lot more manipulative than that entry. It's hard to justify a character crying in the very limited space of a minific, but to have it happen more than once? That's when I get the feeling that something is amiss, and unfortunately I can't get over how miserable a read this was.

Verdict: In more objective terms it's probably mid-tier stuff, but once again, I have a heart of stone.

The feels man. The feels.

To an extent I agree with TQ's comment that pulling back a bit on the crying instances would help the story overall. Three crying spots in such a short fic dilutes the emotion of each individually, imo.

That said, this was well written and flowed very well. Solid stuff for sure!

Emotional fatigue. That’s all I gotta say.

I like the idea, but bringing in the low hanging fruit- Derpy with the bad luck and disability, the Apple kids with dead parents- makes me want to feel for them even less.

Characters need a happy medium, one where sad stuff can be sad, and happy stuff can be happy.

My favorite part was the derpy scene with her flying and I think it was a little emotional break for me right up until she got to crying.

My only suggestion is to add in happy parts where the characters succeed in their goals only for you to rip them from their podium of pride and beat them to a blood pulp. :)

I like this very honest, subdued approach to discussing mortality and coping.

Having the characters so weepy was to its detriment -- it is possible to be sad without crying, and having it come up at every contact with failure lessened my engagement. While having us see Derpy as she tries (again, clearly) to deliver the letter does help convey that it is a long-standing desire of hers, it also strikes me as being unnecessary, and handled somewhat clumsily. How Dinky excuses herself as "something kept me up" doesn't seem to fit, and I can't really articulate why -- it just feels weird. Another way to approach this story as a whole might be to focus on Derpy and Dinky having a heartfelt discussion about death?

Watching Skydancer accommodate the Apples was very effective -- a point contrary to a thought above. Similarly, Derpy's somewhat fatalistic attitude provides an interesting contrast to the things thad have driven her in the past (and clearly continues to do so, as she sill has both letters).

Genre: Heartstring-tuggin’

Thoughts: Unlike some of my heartless colleagues, I felt that the emotional content here rang true. Skydancer doesn’t get much screen time, but I think she made a strong impression through the physical actions and feelings that she’s given in her introduction. And seeing as how she casts a shadow over the whole rest of the story, that’s important. I could see this being less satisfying if she didn’t, but she does IMO. (Plus she’s basically an OC, so that’s bonus points.)

The scene with Derpy flying was very vivid. I keep being surprised at how short it is when I look back over it, because it leaves an outsized impression. There’s an earnestness in Derpy’s actions in that scene which carries through into her conversation with Dinky.

And during that conversation, both Derpy and Dinky have this pure yearning and sense of determination... maybe I’m overly sentimental, but it moves me. And when Dinky mentions Starlight, I can’t help but think that’s a good choice on the Author’s part. Glimmy is the one pony with the combination of sheer power and questionable decision-making to actually help her peer beyond the veil.

If I’m going to poke at anything, it’s Dinky’s flimsily transparent authorially mandated insomnia. But that’s a quick fix. Literally anything else would work there.

Tier: Strong

As much as I like a good emotional tearjerker, I always find myself needing a bit more to be able to greenlight my want of a good bit of moisture in my irises and some much-needed pangs in my hinterland of a heart. Suffice to say, this story didn't do it for me. Sorry, Author, this is gonna be another dissenting opinion of your entry.

Before that though, I do want to gather up my positives and just lay them out here. I think this story's messaging is nice. The bittersweetness of this story does help with the message a little. The second scene, though looking a bit janky as it is sandwiched between the other two, did showcase something closer to what I wished this story had gone for, which I'll explain later below.

The first thing that really stuck out to me that rubbed me the wrong way, right from my first read, was the dialogue in general. Might just be me, but it came off as very manufactured. The way the dialogue is currently used kinda seems like they're trying to define the story's main idea rather than actually help tell it. I do like the hopeful sentiments that are being echoed in their conversation, but to actually use them as a means of dialogue themselves does make everything look a bit rickety, and that's without adding how the dialogue seems to want to mollycoddle the readers with information they and the characters are already aware of whenever it gets the chance.

The prose that's structured definitely does not help the story one bit. As the dialogue is already driving the emotional crux of the story forward, they're really only there to establish and connect the scenes, perhaps make a few embellishments. It did a bare minimum to give the story some semblance of structure but honestly, I don't think that enough was done to make the story resonate properly. The sentiments used in the dialogue could've been utilized with better effect here. Maybe portrayed with imagery that's closer to home instead of something cosmic and ethereal in nature to ground the story to the characters still alive and kicking instead of those that contextually had long since passed.

What ultimately severed the last of my positives with this story was really the lack of overall focus beyond wanting to hit a series of emotional goalposts. The whole first scene, we're given a look at the mother-daughter relationship between Skydancer and Derpy, then after a small transition, we're given another separate mother-daughter relationship featuring a grown-up Derpy and her own Dinky. Individually, though a bit bare, I don't think either scene collapses unto themselves, but in tandem, they gave off an impression of nonconfidence in the story's ability to keep us emotionally invested.

Say we focus only on the scene with Skydancer and Derpy, discarding the rest. If the focus was narrowed down on two narrative paths, Skydancer's wavering health and Derpy's determination to continue her mother's work, then I think it'll be fine. Instead, with the addition of the second and third scene, we're reminded of the absolute fact that yes, ponies stay dead when they die, and that Derpy's childhood determination just tapered off as if it never mattered in the first place. The former comes across as a reaffirmation of something that never needed affirmation; the latter just malformed that aspect of her character and made it seem like a wasted opportunity of character development, positive or negative.

Conversely, we cut off the first scene and have our lens shifted to Derpy and Dinky. We have Derpy finding her commitments of seeing to those messages getting sent through wavering and Dinky bringing some much-needed boost for her mother. Yet when we put the first scene back into play, I'm just wondering why we even need the knowledge of Skydancer in the first place. It's not like we ever needed confirmation that yes, Skydancer was someone that mattered to Derpy. We never needed the context of all that mattered to Derpy up to that point being told to us in black and white for the story to really stick the landing. In the end, the whole first scene just feels like unnecessary padding for a story already fluffed up and ready for submission.

The second scene does pose an interesting shift in comparison to the rest, however. We're given a look at the aftermath of something, in this case the death of Derpy's mother. We're given a glimpse of how the protagonist handled it. Basically, we're given an inciting action, one that pushes the narrative forward. On top of that, we're given a drastic tonal shift. It's something that I wished was expanded upon because the dramatic shift that Derpy undergoes before and after the fact is crisp and clear, and with how everything is presented, it seems to have taken place in this small snippet of a scene. I just want to know more about how it affected her, how it was consequential to her not being able to fly higher than the stars to deliver those letters anymore. To me, it was a chance at grounding Derpy's character beyond the sentiments of hope and longing, to give us insight and offer us a chance to empathize with what she's going through. Put it another way, it was a missed opportunity to leave that scene as fleeting as it was.

Ultimately, I don't think the message is vaguely presented here, not at all. I just think that with how everything structured, the story is actually trying to drive home several messages all at once, which leads to the story itself being a little noncommittal and sloppy. Toss in the dialogue, I'm convinced this was definitely a rushed entry that wanted to be too many different things, yet could never have them come together as a cohesive whole by the end. I honestly admire the ambition and, again, the sentiment of the story. It's just that the execution leaves a lot more to be desired in my book.

Nevertheless, thanks for writing, and good luck!

I really like the idea of linking together separate tragedies that the audience is already familiar with. I mean, I still consider "I Remember You" as the best episode of Adventure Time, hands down. And I've done this kind of deal myself with some of the stories I've written. Overall, the idea is well-thought-out, IMO.

Now, I'm afraid that in terms of execution, this one didn't quite hit me the way I think you intended it to. I think a lot of this has to do with the way you establish your emotional rhythm. Let me try to explain what I mean.

Whenever a reader goes into a story for the first time, they're at an emotionally neutral point. This is especially true for Writeoff entries, because the reader is going in with no Genre Tags, Descriptions, Cover Art, or anything else that might prime them to be emotionally receptive to what they see. From my experience, the reader will generally read your couple of hundred or so words without emotionally reacting to it at all for the most part, (other than feeling curiosity at a good hook or boredom if they don't understand what's happening).

Now, your hook is great, how you immediately establish that this is dealing with a young Derpy. But what I think might be a problem is that the first scene as a whole is basically already just about as sad as you can get, in tone. Remember, your reader is going to be coming in and seeing all this sadness before they've become invested enough to react to it. It's basically just going to wash over them, and they're going to remain at the same emotional baseline they came in with.

When you follow up the first scene with two other scenes that are also basically as sad as they can get, the reader is also going to react to these the same way they reacted to the first scene, because these scenes don't feel all that different from one another. The story starts at one emotional place (strong sadness) and stays there, which means the reader's reaction will similarly flatline. I strongly think that you need a little bit of emotional contrast to break up this flow. IMO, you need the readers to feel invested and at a relative emotional high with these characters before you can pay off by introducing sadness.

So, I hope that all kind of made sense. I know that I'm spewing a lot of my own personal theory on how to make sad stories work well, because they're pretty much all I write. But I hope it was helpful, at least a little!

Thank you for entering!

Pulling awfully hard at those heartstrings, but it feels a bit manipulative by not giving us room to relax from those emotional gutpunches, especially when you combine one tragedy with another. Consider spacing things out a bit more and adding some extra onto this and I could see the premise having a better execution than it currently does.

It's always dangerous to set the tone for reviews when you're the first one to review your own story.

Special Delivery (retrospective)

This is the worst I've ever done in the Writeoff.

Five readers bottom-slated me, I got comments like "I can't get over how miserable a read this was," and to top it off I didn't think more than a hoofful of stories this round were strong contenders. I even went in thinking I'd written a good story, though maybe a touch glurgey. Horse jesus. :ajsleepy:

Thanks to >>No_Raisin >>GrandMoffPony >>Anon Y Mous >>KwirkyJ >>CoffeeMinion >>WritingSpirit >>Bachiavellian for your kind and thoughtful reviews. Most of them are clear, but >>WritingSpirit confused me in places. You wrote so many words and I really appreciate the time you put into it, but there were a few parts where I didn't understand precisely what you were getting at. But that's okay.

I think there were two mane problems here. One is that is the story I wanted to tell might have been too big to fit into a minific, not in terms of how many words it took, but in terms of the emotional compression. The other is just that I went too far with the glurge. This was a mistake not only in connecting with the reader, but also because I didn't need much angst to express my intended message.

All that said, I'm still surprised by the reaction. I may have overdone it a little with the emotions, but it wasn't that much. I can't imagine that Skydancer (G1 reference) wouldn't choke up a little at the request, or that Derpy wouldn't cry a little after finally admitting failure. Maybe Derpy shouldn't cry at the end of the story, but that's the only place I actually wanted some emotional impact because it's where she has the epiphany that holds the message. I'd intended to publish this, and now I'm really not sure what to do about it.

I found the negative reaction to Dinky staying up a bit unexpected. The intent was that Dinky's wakefulness was coincidental in a way that could have been read as kismet, but wasn't necessarily so. This was intended to reinforce the uncertainty that the characters express over the impossible task. There are just some things in life you can't know, and so we have to define the importance of what we do in terms of the struggle rather than the outcome.

I guess on the bright side, this forced me to read several really amazing stories. I did not rank Shepherdess in the top half, but I mostly agree with the rest of the rankings (and Miller already got my top vote with his other story). Great job everypony. :pinkiesmile:

>>Trick_Question

Five readers bottom-slated me, I got comments like "I can't get over how miserable a read this was," and to top it off I didn't think more than a hoofful of stories this round were strong contenders.

I think you're being ungenerous to your competition. I thought it was one of our strongest minific slates in a while. And I think a lot of people would agree that it was the kind of round where low-ranking stories found their spots more because of a mathematical exigency (something has to find its way to the bottom) than as a sign of quality.

>>Posh
Ugh, that came out all wrong. I'm sorry.

What I mean is that there are usually a lot of stories that knock things right out of the park which I don't expect I have any chance to surpass. I saw rough-draft-ish flaws in most of the stories this time. That doesn't mean I think they weren't high-quality. I liked virtually everything I read.

I'm sorry. I'll be quiet now.

>>Trick_Question
I could try to elaborate on what you don't understand if you want me to. I know I wrote a mouthful — it's kinda becoming a pattern for me to give at least one story a super-lengthy review in each round — but that's usually because the issue I have with that one story is very, very ultra-specific.

Since I got some spare time as I'm typing all this out, I think I can reframe and summarize all my issues with this entry in advance to see if it helps.

---

1) The Dialogue

Sum it all up, it feels unnatural. I reckoned it was because it feels like every line delivered here comes across as a work of someone trying to tie every loose end in the story through the dialogue instead of actually letting the conversation flow. Prime example:

"...and one to your Grandma, who you never got to meet."

It sounds like this line was written to tell the readers specifically that Dinky never met Skydancer. As I'm convinced that Dinky, the pony Derpy is telling this to, should be well aware she never met her Grandmother at any point in time, it kinda feels forced in that regard, not to mention that this information doesn't really add anything substantial to the bigger picture, so I'm wondering why it's there. There are others like it, and I think when you look hard enough, you'll spot them too.

The other issue I have with the dialogue is that you're conveying the hope and yearning that Derpy and Dinky are sharing mostly through the dialogue when I think it could be done better via the prose. Right now, it feels rather blatant and in-your-face, which I don't really enjoy my stories to be like, so it may just be my preferences speaking out here.

---

2) The Prose

It's connected to my issues with the dialogue, in that most of the story that's being told happens more in the dialogue than in the prose. I think what I wanted from the prose is not to just give us actions, like 'Skydancer does this' or 'Derpy does that'. I want the emotions to resonate within the prose itself. I don't think it helps this entry to do just that.

Maybe not as blase as When Snouts Collide. I was thinking something akin to your fellow entrant's Enjoy The Silence with how it weaves the emotions of its characters into the prose.

---

3) The Interplaying of Scenes

I feel like what I've got are two separate stories — Skydancer with Derpy + Derpy with Dinky — that have enough merit on their own, but they kinda cancel each other out when you put them together. Right now, with the way it's structured, it feels like it's done because the scenes individually couldn't carry the emotional weight when in reality, I don't think that's the case.

I think you have two very fine scenes here, but when you put them side by side, the emotions kinda clash with each other, leaving me a little confused as to what I should feel. Basically, the tone of the story is in turmoil and I think just sticking with portraying either one of the mother-daughter relationships would be better instead of going with both.

---

4) Dramatic Shift

I liked what the second scene represents. I think in that scene, there's a change in Derpy emotionally as well as circumstantially that piqued my interest. Personally, I would like to soak into that change taking place. I want to see that car crash in slow motion and I think leaving it as short as it is was a missed opportunity.

---

Hopefully, my re-review helped clarify things a little. If you still have stuff you don't quite get, leave a message!

Thanks for writing!

>>Trick_Question
I’m truly sorry that this was a discouraging experience. I thought this was a good story, and I was also shocked to see it near the bottom. This kept bouncing around my #4 spot for whatever that’s worth.

I’d encourage you to fill this out a little and publish it. I wouldn’t change much. Even if it’s not everyone’s cuppa, I think you’re doing good stuff with it.

>>WritingSpirit
Thank you so much for this. <3 I might not agree with 100% of it, but it's great feedback and your perspective will be very valuable to me if I decide to revise and post the story.

>>CoffeeMinion
I just feel a bit down because it seems like I did several bad things that upset people this Writeoff, even though I know that feeling is probably a gross exaggeration. Writing is always intensely personal for me, so maybe I'm less emotionally stable here than otherwise. I definitely still feel pain from what happened in the Writeoff chat last year, and getting involved in the argument here seems to have hurt my friends yet again as well as furthered the idea that I'm some kind of a rapist or rape-apologist who should never be trusted.

And then I go and insult everypony by saying I thought there were fewer strong entries this time, as if I have any room to talk. It's just been kind of a bad time for me this iteration, and honestly it's all my fault.

However: even though I may feel terrible inside, the Writeoff was still a net positive. I got excellent feedback, prevented myself from publishing trash (well, maybe, as I might end up publishing it and there's no guarantee it won't still suck), and I got to read a lot of amazing stories by talented authors. I intend to continue to participate in the events, hopefully less dramatically next time.

Also, Bachiavellian is a brilliant author. I was confused and dismayed when he wrote something that suggested he felt like I was a much better author than he is. I remain concerned that he doesn't know how awesome he is at writing horse words.