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Walp, this one's my favorite. I don't know nearly enough about art to understand how the shading works, but it works. The colors feel textured without being washed out, and I love the little borderless red "glow" that silhouettes the entire piece. I'm not sure if this was your intention, but it did take me a moment or two to find her eyes, but otherwise I think your lineart is really clear and expressive. Thank you for entering!
Out of all the entries, this one took me the longest to figure out. Possibly because I'm a blind bat, but also maybe because the magnifying glass is really out of focus. I know it was probably a tradeoff you had to take, photographing items on two different focal planes so close to the camera, but it unfortunately took my brain a long time to recognize it. At first, I thought it was a sun, or a drop of water, or something. Maybe showing a bit more of the handle will present a more recognizable silhouette to the viewer? Thanks for entering!
I like the composition of this piece very much, and I love how you took the effort to make all the Twilights very visually distinct. In the end, think that what holds the piece back most for me is a perceived inconsistency between how the faces look to me. On one end of the scale, I absolutely love how Princess Twilight looks. Her eyes are cute, but her smile is just a little creepy, which is perfect! But on the other hand, Human Twilight is giving me some uncanny valley vibes, and I'm honestly not sure why, because there's nothing majorly stylistically different between the two to me. Everypony else kinda falls on the spectrum between these two. Sorry I couldn't be more clear! But thank you very much for entering!
[For the curious but unadventurous, online translation says that the title is Swedish for “Hidden Connections.”]
This piece is, at bottom, well drawn. The houses are simple but dimensional, and the Mare in the Moon is well defined.
But it doesn’t pop (grab the eye), and there are a few separate reasons.
1) When you’re using a marker or crayon for coloring, it’s easy to arrive at a scribbly appearance. This can be avoided by varying the direction of the strokes between sections, giving a different texture to different areas, and by using hatching techniques to fill space in a harmonious manner. In general, since we are used to seeing horizontal lines in the sky and in landscapes, using horizontal instead of diagonal or vertical coloring strokes would have helped to give a more natural appearance.
2) The impact of the golden lines is undone and darkened because they are blending in with the background color. They should have been drawn first, with the background added around them, or been applied with opaque color.
3) The biggest factor here is presentation, Artist. No matter how good your drawing looks to you, you also need to make it look good to the viewing audience. And here we have a low contrast, low resolution image that I am sure is not how you intended your piece to look. It’s difficult to see the golden lines at all unless you look closely; they at first appeared to me to be patches of green grass.
If you can’t scan the image yourself, or take a decent pic with a smartphone, you may want to see if a local copy center can make a scan for you. As I’ve mentioned repeatedly, learning to use digital adjustment tools to enhance your images will help immensely with your presentation quality.
So, points for composition, minus points for appearance. I’ll rank this as a low-to-mid slater. Thanks for participating, Artist! It’s clear that you have drawing skill, and taking more care in the execution will help your work immensely.
This piece is, at bottom, well drawn. The houses are simple but dimensional, and the Mare in the Moon is well defined.
But it doesn’t pop (grab the eye), and there are a few separate reasons.
1) When you’re using a marker or crayon for coloring, it’s easy to arrive at a scribbly appearance. This can be avoided by varying the direction of the strokes between sections, giving a different texture to different areas, and by using hatching techniques to fill space in a harmonious manner. In general, since we are used to seeing horizontal lines in the sky and in landscapes, using horizontal instead of diagonal or vertical coloring strokes would have helped to give a more natural appearance.
2) The impact of the golden lines is undone and darkened because they are blending in with the background color. They should have been drawn first, with the background added around them, or been applied with opaque color.
3) The biggest factor here is presentation, Artist. No matter how good your drawing looks to you, you also need to make it look good to the viewing audience. And here we have a low contrast, low resolution image that I am sure is not how you intended your piece to look. It’s difficult to see the golden lines at all unless you look closely; they at first appeared to me to be patches of green grass.
If you can’t scan the image yourself, or take a decent pic with a smartphone, you may want to see if a local copy center can make a scan for you. As I’ve mentioned repeatedly, learning to use digital adjustment tools to enhance your images will help immensely with your presentation quality.
So, points for composition, minus points for appearance. I’ll rank this as a low-to-mid slater. Thanks for participating, Artist! It’s clear that you have drawing skill, and taking more care in the execution will help your work immensely.
Oh, snap! This one pops!
Artist, you have a knack for drawing attractive, dimensional curves, full of character. (Have you ever done caricature? If not, I will bet you’d be good at it.) Her eyes are darkly shaded and easily lost in her face, but those menacing fangs preserve the tension. Good use of hatching overall; Dolda’s artist could use it as an example.
This is a top tier piece, Artist. Thanks for creating it!
Artist, you have a knack for drawing attractive, dimensional curves, full of character. (Have you ever done caricature? If not, I will bet you’d be good at it.) Her eyes are darkly shaded and easily lost in her face, but those menacing fangs preserve the tension. Good use of hatching overall; Dolda’s artist could use it as an example.
This is a top tier piece, Artist. Thanks for creating it!
Personally, I took no time realizing what this was. I think this is a very well photoshopped piece. (or so I hope. RIP the entirety of equestria)
The out of piece magnifying glass is very well blurred- not too much or too little. I often have trouble with blurring things. :/
Love it!
The out of piece magnifying glass is very well blurred- not too much or too little. I often have trouble with blurring things. :/
Love it!
Every now and again, we get stories like these in the writeoff: excerpts from, say, instructional texts, manuals, etc. They tend to be done well, and they also tend to be written in such dense, scientific terms that my brain dribbles out my ear (this isn't a criticism of such texts, merely an acknowledgement that I am a Dumb-Dumb).
This one is... a mixed bag. It's much more accessible than some of the other stories that fit this trend, but it's also not as well done on a technical level. The grammatical issues and misspellings, I can forgive, however. As other people have noticed, they're in line with what you'd expect from a handwritten journal entry, and they fit the style of this piece.
And while I recognize that it isn't a story, per se... I still think it has something interesting to say about Pinkie Pie, given that she has to practice her smiles in front of the mirror constantly, and especially given that her reflection doesn't always cooperate. The implications of that are twofold: That Pinkie Pie is an eldritch abomination that stretches beyond time's demense, and that Pinkie Pie... in a more personal sense... just isn't as happy as she lets on.
And it's the latter interpretation that I think makes this story stand out. It's not a technical masterpiece, but it has something interesting to say about Pinkie Pie, and it uses her own characterization/status as a fourth-wall breaker to say it.
The argument here isn't "lol, Pinkie Pie's so random XD," it's "being so wacky and random and out-there is not as natural to Pinkie as she lets on, and she's probably hurting someplace, deep down."
That's what makes this interesting, to me.
This one is... a mixed bag. It's much more accessible than some of the other stories that fit this trend, but it's also not as well done on a technical level. The grammatical issues and misspellings, I can forgive, however. As other people have noticed, they're in line with what you'd expect from a handwritten journal entry, and they fit the style of this piece.
And while I recognize that it isn't a story, per se... I still think it has something interesting to say about Pinkie Pie, given that she has to practice her smiles in front of the mirror constantly, and especially given that her reflection doesn't always cooperate. The implications of that are twofold: That Pinkie Pie is an eldritch abomination that stretches beyond time's demense, and that Pinkie Pie... in a more personal sense... just isn't as happy as she lets on.
And it's the latter interpretation that I think makes this story stand out. It's not a technical masterpiece, but it has something interesting to say about Pinkie Pie, and it uses her own characterization/status as a fourth-wall breaker to say it.
The argument here isn't "lol, Pinkie Pie's so random XD," it's "being so wacky and random and out-there is not as natural to Pinkie as she lets on, and she's probably hurting someplace, deep down."
That's what makes this interesting, to me.
"That’s not poetry. It didn’t even rhyme.”
I don't know if this is just me, but I don't understand the significance of this star, or what it even is. I also don't understand why either character would care in the first place. It's not completely out of character for Dashie and/or Rarity to show an interest in astronomy, but it's not necessarily the first thing that comes to mind with either.
I don't think the romantic nature of this relationship is very well established, either. Up until the end, I would have bought that these were just two good friends chilling out on a cloud and looking at stars. I grant that the activity itself has an inherent sort of romance, but they don't talk, or act, like lovers. Yet the final paragraph (which is, as previously noted, not a strength when considering the full body of the work) indicates that they're in love.
Which I just don't feel from them, I'm sorry.
It's fluff, with some decent characterization and dialogue, but the message and scenario feel like a jumble. Author, I recommend that you think back to what you're trying to say about these two characters, and ask yourself how you might express that more clearly. Consider the dialogue as a starting point.
I'm not saying that Starlight doesn't have a good reason to beat the crap out of Tempest, but her stated motivation seems very, very thin to me. I'm pretty sure she's just using the pretense of a friendship lesson as an excuse to beat the crap out of Tempest, in an environment where Tempest would be naturally handicapped.
On that note, I don't buy that Tempest could naturally adjust to the dimensions and use of her human body as quickly as the story indicates; it took Twilight and Starlight a while just to get properly coordinated, and neither of them seem to have fully mastered the human body. She is badly handicapped; Starlight may as well have challenged a paraplegic to a tap-dancing competition.
Who am I supposed to root for here?
Following up what >>Miller Minus and >>CoffeeMinion have already said, I don't think there's a resolution here, either. There's the beginning of some common ground being found, but no concrete direction for these characters to take from there. Tempest poses a question that Starlight never gets to answer, or even reflect upon, because Sunset and Twilight come along to steal the limelight. Nobody's arc comes to a close, and for all we know, Starlight's still going to find an excuse to kick the shit out of--
Wait, why didn't they just stay in the pony world and kickbox? Is Starlight just a more proficient fighter in a human body? Then she comes across as even douchier, because she's more proficient in this form that Tempest has literally zero experience--
I'm going off topic. My thoughts are no longer focusing. I'm just going to make one last observation and leave it at that: I do not like the embedded hyperlink. I like multimodality, but consider the way the reader's taking in the information here. They're going to click the link (their first instinct upon seeing a hyperlink is to click the link before finishing the paragraph), open a new tab, see a picture from the movie that provides them a frame of reference for what you're talking about, and then return to this page to pick up where they left off. It disrupts the flow of the story.
And it's a clumsy way of integrating exposition, besides. If your audience has seen the film, then you can assume they know that Tempest had two friends whom she accidentally alienated (if they hadn't, then they can infer based on context). It's a little patronizing to assume that they need to be shown who you're talking about.
On that note, I don't buy that Tempest could naturally adjust to the dimensions and use of her human body as quickly as the story indicates; it took Twilight and Starlight a while just to get properly coordinated, and neither of them seem to have fully mastered the human body. She is badly handicapped; Starlight may as well have challenged a paraplegic to a tap-dancing competition.
Who am I supposed to root for here?
Following up what >>Miller Minus and >>CoffeeMinion have already said, I don't think there's a resolution here, either. There's the beginning of some common ground being found, but no concrete direction for these characters to take from there. Tempest poses a question that Starlight never gets to answer, or even reflect upon, because Sunset and Twilight come along to steal the limelight. Nobody's arc comes to a close, and for all we know, Starlight's still going to find an excuse to kick the shit out of--
Wait, why didn't they just stay in the pony world and kickbox? Is Starlight just a more proficient fighter in a human body? Then she comes across as even douchier, because she's more proficient in this form that Tempest has literally zero experience--
I'm going off topic. My thoughts are no longer focusing. I'm just going to make one last observation and leave it at that: I do not like the embedded hyperlink. I like multimodality, but consider the way the reader's taking in the information here. They're going to click the link (their first instinct upon seeing a hyperlink is to click the link before finishing the paragraph), open a new tab, see a picture from the movie that provides them a frame of reference for what you're talking about, and then return to this page to pick up where they left off. It disrupts the flow of the story.
And it's a clumsy way of integrating exposition, besides. If your audience has seen the film, then you can assume they know that Tempest had two friends whom she accidentally alienated (if they hadn't, then they can infer based on context). It's a little patronizing to assume that they need to be shown who you're talking about.
I am not... entirely sure what's going on. My baseline assumption is that Twilight's panic over heliocentrism is accurate; the Earth revolves around the sun, and Luna/Celestia have been hiding that reality for their entire existence.
In which case... why the smoke? In the moment, it might help hide that fact, but unless Luna plans to kick off the Industrial Revolution and turn Equestria into Smogquestria, someone is going to notice something, sooner or later.
(Assuming my interpretation is accurate, anyway)
I liked a lot of the narrative elements, and the dialogue, too. The exchange between Luna and Twilight, especially, gave me sympathy twinges. But I'm lost on the premise here. And if my interpretation is right, then it just raises further questions.
In which case... why the smoke? In the moment, it might help hide that fact, but unless Luna plans to kick off the Industrial Revolution and turn Equestria into Smogquestria, someone is going to notice something, sooner or later.
(Assuming my interpretation is accurate, anyway)
I liked a lot of the narrative elements, and the dialogue, too. The exchange between Luna and Twilight, especially, gave me sympathy twinges. But I'm lost on the premise here. And if my interpretation is right, then it just raises further questions.
A very plausible way of looking at how Daybreaker could come to life someday. Conceptually, I love it. Narratively...
Sell Celestia's jealousy a little bit more. I don't think it needs much, as her actions express it well enough. A bit more self-reflection, maybe?
I dunno. I'm tired. Leave me alone.
Sell Celestia's jealousy a little bit more. I don't think it needs much, as her actions express it well enough. A bit more self-reflection, maybe?
I dunno. I'm tired. Leave me alone.
“What in Equestria are you thinking of, Twilight! That is the only way to get out of this blasted wasteland!”
then why are you still there?
Did you... did you lose the map table?
Oh. Oh, that's what happened, isn't it?
...
Ah... um... gosh, okay, I literally just figured out what was going on as I was typing this. I was going to just kind of leave my feedback at that plothole and move on with my life. But now that I see the other reason for the premise... does my opinion of the story change at all?
...
maybe a little?
Wait. Where's Spike?
My reviews are starting to lose coherence; I'll tackle this one and one more. They'll be short. Sorry for that.
This one: Really good. Highly evocative, creepy origin story. I'm not too sold on the protag's motivation; "I don't understand other ponies" seems a little too thin for what it is she's looking for, what she's after. "I'm know I'm hot, but I want to know why they think I'm hot."
It... doesn't do much for me.
But the action, the story being told, is great. Marvelous, even. Um. The body horror aspect is... weird to me? I guess underneath every pony, there's a bug-horse waiting to happen. But then, Chryssi's not just a charbroiled pony; she's like... an actual other species. Are we overlooking the big gossamer wings that her ponysona draws her name from?
Ugh, not too important to the story you're trying to tell, I'm sure.
Overall, it's good. I think it might get edged out at the top of my ballot, but it's holding pretty steady up there regardless.
This one: Really good. Highly evocative, creepy origin story. I'm not too sold on the protag's motivation; "I don't understand other ponies" seems a little too thin for what it is she's looking for, what she's after. "I'm know I'm hot, but I want to know why they think I'm hot."
It... doesn't do much for me.
But the action, the story being told, is great. Marvelous, even. Um. The body horror aspect is... weird to me? I guess underneath every pony, there's a bug-horse waiting to happen. But then, Chryssi's not just a charbroiled pony; she's like... an actual other species. Are we overlooking the big gossamer wings that her ponysona draws her name from?
Ugh, not too important to the story you're trying to tell, I'm sure.
Overall, it's good. I think it might get edged out at the top of my ballot, but it's holding pretty steady up there regardless.
Top shelf; not afraid to say it. I'm not Poetry Guy, normally, but this is the rare exception that I not only get interested in, but that I fall in love with. The voice, personality, concerns, fears, that this character expresses, are so uniquely Applejack that I can almost overlook how unlikely it is that someone who pronounces her apostrophes could write a complete sentence.
Oh, that was mean. I apologize.
In all seriousness... I'm keeping this at the top of my ballot. Best of luck to you, author, and thank you for playing.
Oh, that was mean. I apologize.
In all seriousness... I'm keeping this at the top of my ballot. Best of luck to you, author, and thank you for playing.
Now for the obligatory retrospect
Disclaimer- I feel it is starting to aggravate other writers. If it is, just tell me and I'll shut my yapper (or fingers, since it is typing).
>>Meridian_Prime
:facehoof: gah! It's errors like these that chop down my anonymity. I'll get right to fixing that.
Thanks for participating and welcome to the Writeoff! (I haven't seen you around before. If I read past comment correctly, you are new to the Writeoff. If I am wrong, forgive me.)
>>Miller Minus
Good Point. Maybe she should hoof it off to Twilight who is having a bad day, or somepony in bad circumstance. That may be the key to make this one better, and as a standalone, it is out of context and barren.
>>Light_Striker
Upon reviewing your review, I'd say it is best out of the bunch. I guess it is better to have more info than very little. That is just preference.
Like I said to Meridian, typos and more that chop down the veil of anonymity. I'll be working on being more careful. I do agree that “abstract idea of confidence” is a little too technical for Pinkie. Sounds more like Twilight.
The way this is arranged is very in-character, but the digression doesn't do it any service. ‘Burnt Popcorn’, as you say.
Thanks for the review!
>>scifipony
>>CoffeeMinion
You're absolutely right when it comes to non-story material. It's just my way of spicing things up. Since my actual story writing is crap, I resort to something I feel a little more confident about- observation/informative. But, I should really quit doing that. There is a time that I must sit down and learn how to actually write.
>>Posh
Now, this comment was unexpected. Your interpretation might be a better route to take to give this piece a little more depth.
It's interesting you bring this up, because after the fact, I watched a clip of Yakety-Sax. Ultimately, that clip challenged my view of Pinkie as she is, and I couldn't help but think to myself “That's strange… she is usually not like that…”
Maybe it was on a subconscious level that the interpretation holds true :pinkiecrazy:
Final Words-
Unfortunately, this will be scrapped. I don't know what I was thinking sending this one through. Bad judgement on my part.
I guess sometimes you have to learn the hard way.
Genre: How my 2019 is going so far
Disclaimer- I feel it is starting to aggravate other writers. If it is, just tell me and I'll shut my yapper (or fingers, since it is typing).
>>Meridian_Prime
:facehoof: gah! It's errors like these that chop down my anonymity. I'll get right to fixing that.
Thanks for participating and welcome to the Writeoff! (I haven't seen you around before. If I read past comment correctly, you are new to the Writeoff. If I am wrong, forgive me.)
>>Miller Minus
Good Point. Maybe she should hoof it off to Twilight who is having a bad day, or somepony in bad circumstance. That may be the key to make this one better, and as a standalone, it is out of context and barren.
>>Light_Striker
Upon reviewing your review, I'd say it is best out of the bunch. I guess it is better to have more info than very little. That is just preference.
Like I said to Meridian, typos and more that chop down the veil of anonymity. I'll be working on being more careful. I do agree that “abstract idea of confidence” is a little too technical for Pinkie. Sounds more like Twilight.
The way this is arranged is very in-character, but the digression doesn't do it any service. ‘Burnt Popcorn’, as you say.
Thanks for the review!
>>scifipony
>>CoffeeMinion
You're absolutely right when it comes to non-story material. It's just my way of spicing things up. Since my actual story writing is crap, I resort to something I feel a little more confident about- observation/informative. But, I should really quit doing that. There is a time that I must sit down and learn how to actually write.
>>Posh
Now, this comment was unexpected. Your interpretation might be a better route to take to give this piece a little more depth.
It's interesting you bring this up, because after the fact, I watched a clip of Yakety-Sax. Ultimately, that clip challenged my view of Pinkie as she is, and I couldn't help but think to myself “That's strange… she is usually not like that…”
Maybe it was on a subconscious level that the interpretation holds true :pinkiecrazy:
Final Words-
Unfortunately, this will be scrapped. I don't know what I was thinking sending this one through. Bad judgement on my part.
I guess sometimes you have to learn the hard way.
Genre: How my 2019 is going so far
Aaaand here come the retrospectives. I'm lazy, so rather than pre-writing them all I'm just going to respond comment by comment in chronological order, and post them as I go. First up: >>Bachiavellian (Congrats again on winning!)
Much appreciated! The premise stems from an idea I had back in 2013 I think? So practically forever ago. I'd completely forgotten about it, but the prompt both jogged my memory and made me flesh it out beyond "Chrysalis becomes a bug thing willingly". The smile line was one of the last things I wrote, but I'm pretty chuffed someone pointed it out because it's one of my fave lines. As for Gossamer herself, I found her personality pretty naturally flowing from "who would willingly become a soul-eating bug demon thing?". There are surprisingly few kinds of people like that, haha.
In retrospect, I probably should have ditched Solar Swirl for the writeoff version. Not his character - but his name and specific backstory, which I attempted to cram into one line about his 'vaunted predecessor'. I still like my idea for him, but I can definitely do a lot more with him outside of a 750 word limit. Given this is a FiM fic, I probably should have foreseen the name causing a bit of confusion.
You are 100% correct about me straining against the wordcount. The start of this story was originally past the half way mark. I had to chop the opening 200 words or so three separate times as I was writing, and as it came down to the wire I was definitely having to make a few brutal editorial cuts. Perhaps, as you pointed out, a bit too brutal. Something for me to keep in mind for the next writeoff! Thanks for pointing this out.
This is excellent advice, and as I try and rework this for Fimfiction, I will be coming back to this quote. Thanks again!
I really like the premise here, with the unexpected origin story and all. This executes its last line twist really well, and especially liked the repetition describing her smile. Gossamer herself is also really interesting, with the whole semi-psychopathy thing going on.
Much appreciated! The premise stems from an idea I had back in 2013 I think? So practically forever ago. I'd completely forgotten about it, but the prompt both jogged my memory and made me flesh it out beyond "Chrysalis becomes a bug thing willingly". The smile line was one of the last things I wrote, but I'm pretty chuffed someone pointed it out because it's one of my fave lines. As for Gossamer herself, I found her personality pretty naturally flowing from "who would willingly become a soul-eating bug demon thing?". There are surprisingly few kinds of people like that, haha.
One thing that's a bit of a nitpick (and may speak much more to my ability as a reader than yours as a writer) is the fact that I somehow read every instance of "Solar Swirl" as "Star Swirl", until I started my 2nd read-through. It surprised me how easily my eye kind of skipped over the familiar-looking name alliteration, to the point that I actually Ctrl-F'd the story for "Star" just to try to figure out where I went wrong. Now, I'm not saying you should change your protagonist's name just because one doofus somehow managed to misread it five or six times--I'm just offering my reading experience as a data point.
In retrospect, I probably should have ditched Solar Swirl for the writeoff version. Not his character - but his name and specific backstory, which I attempted to cram into one line about his 'vaunted predecessor'. I still like my idea for him, but I can definitely do a lot more with him outside of a 750 word limit. Given this is a FiM fic, I probably should have foreseen the name causing a bit of confusion.
Something that I think might be a little more than a nitpick is the way this story handles its information reveals. The first scene comes off a little like a "As you already know..." speech from both characters, until the paragraph where Gossamer talks about her psychopathy. I can tell you're straining against the wordcount to get all of your ideas in there, and I appreciate the volume of info you're trying to convey (about the characters, setting, mood, and set-up for the magic bits in scene two). But I still can't help but feel that you may have taken the path of least resistance a time or two too many. In the end, the scene is serviceable, but definitely not quite as engrossing as it could have been.
You are 100% correct about me straining against the wordcount. The start of this story was originally past the half way mark. I had to chop the opening 200 words or so three separate times as I was writing, and as it came down to the wire I was definitely having to make a few brutal editorial cuts. Perhaps, as you pointed out, a bit too brutal. Something for me to keep in mind for the next writeoff! Thanks for pointing this out.
My suggestion would be to focus on making your information dumps feel less like information dumps. It helps a lot when there's some kind of immediate concern or question presented to the reader as a kind of distraction, so I suggest doing something like heightening Solar Swirl's initial distrust of Gossamer, and making that seem like the driving conflict of the story. This'll help the complicated ideas in the first scene go down a bit easier, and would heighten the emotional stakes of the twist in the second scene.
This is excellent advice, and as I try and rework this for Fimfiction, I will be coming back to this quote. Thanks again!
>>PinoyPony
You are indeed correct, and thank you! I'll definitely be sticking around for future ones, this was fun.
You are indeed correct, and thank you! I'll definitely be sticking around for future ones, this was fun.
I am, frankly, not much of an artist. Or an art critic. My brother seems to have got all those genes, while I got all the write-y ones. But while I think others have given this the appropriate critiques, and I don't have much to add, given this is inspired by my entry I feel the need to comment anyway.
First up: thanks so much! I've never had anyone make art for me in any way, shape or form, so seeing this and Snap was immensely cool. Secondly, I like the title! Very snazzy, and fits the idea I had for the environment. Was definitely imagining a small, misty Scandinavian type town when I was writing. Thirdly, while I can see where the others were coming from vis a vis technique and such, you very clearly had the same mental image I did for the town stretched out below them. You captured the scene damn near perfectly in that sense.
First up: thanks so much! I've never had anyone make art for me in any way, shape or form, so seeing this and Snap was immensely cool. Secondly, I like the title! Very snazzy, and fits the idea I had for the environment. Was definitely imagining a small, misty Scandinavian type town when I was writing. Thirdly, while I can see where the others were coming from vis a vis technique and such, you very clearly had the same mental image I did for the town stretched out below them. You captured the scene damn near perfectly in that sense.
First of all: thank you. I've said it on Dolda Anslutningar, but it's really cool to be getting art for something I wrote.
Second of all: wow. This is incredibly evocative, and the feral glee in Chryssie's expression is just great. My only (very, very minor) critique is that a few of the lines on the face combine to give her a vaguely catlike look? I think it's the ones around the snout area, they give that cat nose impression. But the colours, the little bits of motion blur, the threads, the eyes - there is a lot to like about this. I'm glad I could help inspire you so!
Second of all: wow. This is incredibly evocative, and the feral glee in Chryssie's expression is just great. My only (very, very minor) critique is that a few of the lines on the face combine to give her a vaguely catlike look? I think it's the ones around the snout area, they give that cat nose impression. But the colours, the little bits of motion blur, the threads, the eyes - there is a lot to like about this. I'm glad I could help inspire you so!
Not much for me to say about this piece, but I do like it a lot. The idea is cool, and functions as a very believable followup to source material too. Artistically, frankly, it looks pretty much flawless - but that is very much coming from a position of "Photoshop? Yeah there's one just up the road!", sooo take it with a pinch of salt.
>>Meridian_Prime >>Miller Minus >>Light_Striker >>scifipony >>Posh >>CoffeeMinion
I must confess, I wrote this for only two reasons. First, to finally be able to say I entered a Writeoff again. Second, to practice my dialogue. Nope, that's it. All I wanted. And, given the general response, I think I nailed it on both counts. The fact the story didn't do so well this Writeoff is of no consequence, because everyone seems to agree that the one area I cared about did well. That being said...
This was the third idea I had when I saw the prompt, but all my ideas stemmed from one source. That source was Pinkie popping up in a mirror and saying "And you were doing so well." One must ask: how did she do that? Obviously, nobody questions Pinkie Pie. But for this story, I operated under the idea that as a filly she accidentally slipped into a 'mirror realm' where a poor, unfortunate soul (so sad, so true) was trapped but able to open portals throughout the world via mirrors, thus providing its only friend the method.
Was this vague? Absolutely, and I certainly could have done a better job of translating my intentions. Perhaps when/if I transfer this to FIMFiction I'll expand upon it a little. I fully acknowledge all the problems pointed out and am knocking myself upside the head for missing them, because they're pretty obvious.
Still, I am happy with this, because it achieved my primary goals. My thanks to those who commented and congratulations to the winners! And a good luck to the artists, too.
I must confess, I wrote this for only two reasons. First, to finally be able to say I entered a Writeoff again. Second, to practice my dialogue. Nope, that's it. All I wanted. And, given the general response, I think I nailed it on both counts. The fact the story didn't do so well this Writeoff is of no consequence, because everyone seems to agree that the one area I cared about did well. That being said...
This was the third idea I had when I saw the prompt, but all my ideas stemmed from one source. That source was Pinkie popping up in a mirror and saying "And you were doing so well." One must ask: how did she do that? Obviously, nobody questions Pinkie Pie. But for this story, I operated under the idea that as a filly she accidentally slipped into a 'mirror realm' where a poor, unfortunate soul (so sad, so true) was trapped but able to open portals throughout the world via mirrors, thus providing its only friend the method.
Was this vague? Absolutely, and I certainly could have done a better job of translating my intentions. Perhaps when/if I transfer this to FIMFiction I'll expand upon it a little. I fully acknowledge all the problems pointed out and am knocking myself upside the head for missing them, because they're pretty obvious.
Still, I am happy with this, because it achieved my primary goals. My thanks to those who commented and congratulations to the winners! And a good luck to the artists, too.
Next up: >>Light_Striker
Man, I live for these kind of comments. :D
Alternatively: A Beginner's Guide to Becoming a Bugpony
Yep! Gonna expand on that in the revamped Fimfic edition.
The dialogue was tricky - hard to strike that balance between short and punchy, and just not having enough content. Good to know it worked! Also great to know I blended the part about 'bond magic' in well too.
*Jaws theme starts to play in the background*
I had in mind the stereotypical anime-esque magic circle, but I wish I'd thought of a mirror array. That would have worked so well!
Given I haven't done OC's before, and Gossamer was more working back from ol' Cheeselegs than creating someone wholesale, it's fantastic to hear I got all this across. Thanks a lot.
Again, something I'll expand on a little, but yes - seeing the threads, and all that implies.
:D
I am blown away by this response. I'm pretty sure I squealed a little when I first read this, and if I was publishing this would be front and centre as the back cover review. In fact I'm pretty sure I'm going to put this in the Fimfic description. Thank you so much!
Man, I live for these kind of comments. :D
Also known as: On the Origin of Changelings
Alternatively: A Beginner's Guide to Becoming a Bugpony
“Solar Swirl”, eh? Any relation?
Yep! Gonna expand on that in the revamped Fimfic edition.
Punchy early characterization and dialogue, and the argument between the main characters flows well. Loving the driving home that yes, this is very much a friendship-magic-based universe and that affects how everything works.
The dialogue was tricky - hard to strike that balance between short and punchy, and just not having enough content. Good to know it worked! Also great to know I blended the part about 'bond magic' in well too.
That sympathetic motivation near the end of the first section… is she really… I'm holding my breath here.
*Jaws theme starts to play in the background*
What kind of array is it? (Is this the mirror part? A mirror array? That'd be neat, but it could just as well be explicit.)
I had in mind the stereotypical anime-esque magic circle, but I wish I'd thought of a mirror array. That would have worked so well!
That's just how Solar Swirl would act based on his attitude earlier, with the surface arrogance and curtness tempered by a true love of magic and underlying deeply prosocial affinities. And the part where this is the first thing that's made him feel reverence in a long time is great exposition of how momentous this is.
Given I haven't done OC's before, and Gossamer was more working back from ol' Cheeselegs than creating someone wholesale, it's fantastic to hear I got all this across. Thanks a lot.
Oh sugarcubes, that's what the textile mark was for.
Again, something I'll expand on a little, but yes - seeing the threads, and all that implies.
What is she doing? Okay, so ambiguously sympathetic motivation from earlier gets resolved into a—
Hair and coat and oh my god.
And the true sociopathy, the casualness of it and the unflinching decision to
!!!
:D
Overall: It tastes like a thunderous church organ piece with chromatic counterpoint in cunning cadences, author. Or like a deep, sparklingly bitter, lightly intoxicating juice with the scent of grapefruit and blood. Were I the appropriate one of the main characters, and had I the abilities she has in certain canons, I would devour you to take your ability to write like this. Amazing. Slate: 1st of 13.
I am blown away by this response. I'm pretty sure I squealed a little when I first read this, and if I was publishing this would be front and centre as the back cover review. In fact I'm pretty sure I'm going to put this in the Fimfic description. Thank you so much!
And now:>>CoffeeMinion
As much as I tried to keep people guessing, I did have to leave breadcrumbs to make it seem believable. Glad you liked it too!
This, right here? One of the biggest things I need to work on for this. You're absolutely right that Solar Swirl is just that little bit too trusting. Part of that was the wordcount limit; I was definitely pushing at the boundaries there. But 'I didn't have enough space' only goes so far as an excuse, and I'd be lying if I said I would have completely compensated for this even with more space. Thanks for pointing this out.
Everything you've mentioned here was indeed a deliberate choice, so it's good to hear that you thought they were the right ones! I had to cut quite a bit of material from this, and that first line was initially about halfway through and not half as punchy. When I had to find a later place to start from, it felt like a strong way to begin. And I originally had some of it kinda from Gossamer's perspective, but yeah, much more efficient to write from Solar's.
Thanks for the comment, especially the criticism.
I kinda wondered from the first mention of green eyes if this was going to be a Chrysalis origin. I’m okay with that, and I like what the story did with her.
As much as I tried to keep people guessing, I did have to leave breadcrumbs to make it seem believable. Glad you liked it too!
I think my biggest beef here is with some fridge logic around Solar Swirl. I don’t feel like the story presents a motivation for him going along with Gossamer’s request. She exhibits several behaviors that might telegraph untrustworthiness, including an explicit statement that she wants to gain the power to control the kind of magic that he’s researched. And I’m left wondering why he’d freely give her that power without any kind of compensation or assurances about her intentions for it.
This, right here? One of the biggest things I need to work on for this. You're absolutely right that Solar Swirl is just that little bit too trusting. Part of that was the wordcount limit; I was definitely pushing at the boundaries there. But 'I didn't have enough space' only goes so far as an excuse, and I'd be lying if I said I would have completely compensated for this even with more space. Thanks for pointing this out.
Otherwise, though, this is pretty great. It’s clean from a technical perspective. It wins style points for diving right in with its first line and holding the action firmly out to the last line. And it probably makes the right choice by using its limited wordcount to focus on Gossamer from inside of Solar’s head—that strikes me as not just a choice to help preserve the reveal, but to make the most of the space.
Everything you've mentioned here was indeed a deliberate choice, so it's good to hear that you thought they were the right ones! I had to cut quite a bit of material from this, and that first line was initially about halfway through and not half as punchy. When I had to find a later place to start from, it felt like a strong way to begin. And I originally had some of it kinda from Gossamer's perspective, but yeah, much more efficient to write from Solar's.
Thanks for the comment, especially the criticism.
>>scifipony
Alright. I'm going to go through yours bit by bit like with everyone else, but I am going to draw a little bit on what >>Miller Minus said below as well. This is only because he makes a few of the points I want to make better than I probably could.
While this story was bursting out the seams a little with all the content I wanted to add, what I submitted was very much what I intended to submit, so let's keep going.
So first off: it's pretty clear that you missed the fact that Gossamer Loom is, in fact, a pre-bugpony version of Chrysalis. That's the main 'point' of the story, so to speak. Now, I could have made this clearer, but I thought making it more explicit might detract a little from the impact. I'll have another look at it as I rework this for Fimfiction, but I suspect I won't change it that much, it seems to have worked for the majority of people.
Gos doesn't actually have any spectacular power in this either, and she is certainly no powerplant of the soul. What I was trying to convey is that the spell Solar and she used was able to make the energy of bond AKA friendship/love magic a visible and tangible thing. The glowing threads are the bonds that ponies share with each other, which feed and sustain the souls of ponies. Gos broke all her bonds, which (this being the FiM verse) had a marked physical impact on her, and finally tore out her very soul, turning her into Ms. Cheeselegs. I'll also say here that I tried to imply that this is why she and the other changelings need to take love - she has no soul or bonds of her own anymore, and must take them from others for power/to survive. This was very, very loosely implied however, honestly more in my head than in the text.
Leading on from this: there is no message, no metaphor. It's an origin story which I thought reflected the prompt in an entertainingly creepy way.
One thing that I don't seem to have made clear is that Gos' soul is not brighter than anyone elses - it's just the only one (other than his own) close enough for Solar to see. Thank you for (slightly inadvertently) pointing that out.
You might be right about the emotionally flat writing. I found myself wringing my hands a little during the final stages of cutting this down to writeoff size, worrying that loosing this or that word would drain the atmosphere of the piece. It's something I'm going to be reviewing as I rework this.
But I do have to disagree, as Miller does, about the dialogue. I think what you said at the end there sums up our difference best: I tried to show emotion through their little actions, a tightened frown here, a curled lip there. Telling the audience that a character did x or y is not, in my opinion, always necessary.
I do think some of your criticism here is valid, and can be put down to word limit. I think I just had different priorities in what I cut than you would have.
Again, not just stock characters. But yes, there were parts that were a little generic; once more, word limit. The last time I tried to write a 3000 word piece it ended up closer to 11,000. Suffice to say, I'm not great at limiting myself, it's not really my style, so this was actually quite a challenge for me. It's part of why I enjoyed doing it so much - the strictures of the writeoff force to me to make narrative and editing choices I would not normally make, forces me out of my comfort zone a bit. It's good practice as a writer. I hate to keep saying this, but I really think you'll find the enhanced version much more your cup of tea. A lot of the world-building elements, even just basic descriptions of the setting, were left on the cutting room floor for this one.
As I mentioned above, in terms of setting you're probably right. The specific place that this was happening felt like one of the things that could be cut to make the story fit.
The stuff later in this paragraph though... Well, I have to again refer to what Miller said. I focused on describing what I thought was important to the narrative, to the story I was trying to tell. I didn't think a description of the wind playing through Solar's coat as he waited for the end was a worthwhile use of my very limited wordcount here. You evidently disagree, which is fine. Again, I think you'd prefer the expanded edition.
This...
This is why I was a little apprehensive to write this retrospective. And, honestly, the main reason I said I'd be referencing Miller's own response to you.
I appreciate the sentiment that you think I can do better, I really do. In a way, it's one of the best things to hear as a writer: if someone tells you that they think something is okay but about the limit of your abilities, it's a lot worse than hearing something was meh, but you have potential.
And it's not necessarily bad to tell me to go with a canon or canon-ish character next time. Going full OC, which is what you evidently thought I'd done, is a pretty difficult thing to pull off in 750 words, while still maintaining that FiM flavour. I didn't get the impression you were criticising the decision to use any OCs, which I'd have more of a problem with.
But I have to fundamentally disagree with the second part of your advice here. Most of the reason I joined the writeoff was to take on challenges, to improve my writing in a setting that wasn't my strength, or at least not my comfort zone. And I do not, and cannot, believe that shying away from those challenges, especially in this context, is a bad thing. Miller also articulated this, much better than I did, but I felt I needed to say it anyway.
This whole response has probably felt pretty harsh, but I really do appreciate you commenting at all. You didn't need to, and while I don't think I agree with all of it, you constructed criticism when you had no obligation to do so. Thank you.
Alright. I'm going to go through yours bit by bit like with everyone else, but I am going to draw a little bit on what >>Miller Minus said below as well. This is only because he makes a few of the points I want to make better than I probably could.
Stories like this, with lots of potential radiating from the core idea, oft run afoul of the time restraints of an event like this one. You didn't finish or couldn't revise or failed to reread. I am going to assume that happened. If that's the case, don't read any further.
While this story was bursting out the seams a little with all the content I wanted to add, what I submitted was very much what I intended to submit, so let's keep going.
“That does not explain,” he said coolly, “why you care about bond magic.”
This line is says precisely what I want to say to you as the author. I understand that Gos has a power not unlike Luna's in the Tantabus episode and that she is like some godlike powerplant of the soul. What I don't get is the message you are trying to impart or why I should feel more than detached horror that she basically killed the pony nation. I sense a metaphor, but not its intention.
So first off: it's pretty clear that you missed the fact that Gossamer Loom is, in fact, a pre-bugpony version of Chrysalis. That's the main 'point' of the story, so to speak. Now, I could have made this clearer, but I thought making it more explicit might detract a little from the impact. I'll have another look at it as I rework this for Fimfiction, but I suspect I won't change it that much, it seems to have worked for the majority of people.
Gos doesn't actually have any spectacular power in this either, and she is certainly no powerplant of the soul. What I was trying to convey is that the spell Solar and she used was able to make the energy of bond AKA friendship/love magic a visible and tangible thing. The glowing threads are the bonds that ponies share with each other, which feed and sustain the souls of ponies. Gos broke all her bonds, which (this being the FiM verse) had a marked physical impact on her, and finally tore out her very soul, turning her into Ms. Cheeselegs. I'll also say here that I tried to imply that this is why she and the other changelings need to take love - she has no soul or bonds of her own anymore, and must take them from others for power/to survive. This was very, very loosely implied however, honestly more in my head than in the text.
Leading on from this: there is no message, no metaphor. It's an origin story which I thought reflected the prompt in an entertainingly creepy way.
One thing that I don't seem to have made clear is that Gos' soul is not brighter than anyone elses - it's just the only one (other than his own) close enough for Solar to see. Thank you for (slightly inadvertently) pointing that out.
What caused you the most issues is the totally emotionally-flat writing. Everypony spoke mechanically. Even Gos, in her relief from maintaining the connections should have cried or raged or even moaned. Think of Lord Tirek when he eats alicorn magic. The characters demonstratively didn't care, so I couldn't care. Tell not show.
You might be right about the emotionally flat writing. I found myself wringing my hands a little during the final stages of cutting this down to writeoff size, worrying that loosing this or that word would drain the atmosphere of the piece. It's something I'm going to be reviewing as I rework this.
But I do have to disagree, as Miller does, about the dialogue. I think what you said at the end there sums up our difference best: I tried to show emotion through their little actions, a tightened frown here, a curled lip there. Telling the audience that a character did x or y is not, in my opinion, always necessary.
I do think some of your criticism here is valid, and can be put down to word limit. I think I just had different priorities in what I cut than you would have.
The choice of no stock characters or MLP situations was fatal. This could have been a mainstream fantasy, though Sturgeon or Bradbury would have found something to kick the reader in the ass.
Again, not just stock characters. But yes, there were parts that were a little generic; once more, word limit. The last time I tried to write a 3000 word piece it ended up closer to 11,000. Suffice to say, I'm not great at limiting myself, it's not really my style, so this was actually quite a challenge for me. It's part of why I enjoyed doing it so much - the strictures of the writeoff force to me to make narrative and editing choices I would not normally make, forces me out of my comfort zone a bit. It's good practice as a writer. I hate to keep saying this, but I really think you'll find the enhanced version much more your cup of tea. A lot of the world-building elements, even just basic descriptions of the setting, were left on the cutting room floor for this one.
There was no sense of place to relate to. It wasn't even Equestria based on the 100 year reference in the story. Except for the energy strands and Gos's green eyes, I saw nothing. No houses, trees, grass, ponies... nothing. I didn't even smell horse sweat or the ozone of a spell cast, or have a sour taste when the horror revealed itself. Did he sweat, was it hot or cold when the world ended? Was there a crackle or buzz in the treads? Enough said.
As I mentioned above, in terms of setting you're probably right. The specific place that this was happening felt like one of the things that could be cut to make the story fit.
The stuff later in this paragraph though... Well, I have to again refer to what Miller said. I focused on describing what I thought was important to the narrative, to the story I was trying to tell. I didn't think a description of the wind playing through Solar's coat as he waited for the end was a worthwhile use of my very limited wordcount here. You evidently disagree, which is fine. Again, I think you'd prefer the expanded edition.
I sense you could do better. Next MLP event, go with a stock or at least background character. Don't make your work so hard.
This...
This is why I was a little apprehensive to write this retrospective. And, honestly, the main reason I said I'd be referencing Miller's own response to you.
I appreciate the sentiment that you think I can do better, I really do. In a way, it's one of the best things to hear as a writer: if someone tells you that they think something is okay but about the limit of your abilities, it's a lot worse than hearing something was meh, but you have potential.
And it's not necessarily bad to tell me to go with a canon or canon-ish character next time. Going full OC, which is what you evidently thought I'd done, is a pretty difficult thing to pull off in 750 words, while still maintaining that FiM flavour. I didn't get the impression you were criticising the decision to use any OCs, which I'd have more of a problem with.
But I have to fundamentally disagree with the second part of your advice here. Most of the reason I joined the writeoff was to take on challenges, to improve my writing in a setting that wasn't my strength, or at least not my comfort zone. And I do not, and cannot, believe that shying away from those challenges, especially in this context, is a bad thing. Miller also articulated this, much better than I did, but I felt I needed to say it anyway.
This whole response has probably felt pretty harsh, but I really do appreciate you commenting at all. You didn't need to, and while I don't think I agree with all of it, you constructed criticism when you had no obligation to do so. Thank you.
And now, it's time for retrospective number five: the >>Miller Minus-Senpai Noticed Me Edition. :p
First off, glad you thought so! As for the criticism...
Um. Yeah. I don't have a huge amount to add here - you're totally right. I did have to sacrifice some content to maintain the reveal, and I definitely had to cut some stuff that would have made things a tad clearer. Expansion is very much on the table, and I'm already planning how I'll add in those Solar Swirl and Gossamer scenes.
A couple of people have touched on this, but you're the first to really highlight it, and I think you're right too. Other than the vague allusion to the founders, I didn't really explain this at all. Need to come up with a way to explain it naturally: I specifically envisioned bond magic as the more technical umbrella term for the study of both friendship and emotional (love, hate, etc.) magic, just so you know.
You obviously picked up on what I meant to connect them, but I'll take a look at maybe adding a few more threads (badum tsh!).
Now, the rest of your comment is mostly a response to scifipony's, which I've already addressed somewhat in his retrospective. There were one or two things I wanted to address though:
Ack! Yeah, you've got a point (as I mentioned to scifipony too). I reaaally abused italics in this, and I definitely was throwing my all into 'show don't tell' via description of every movement the characters make. Something to be tweaked.
First off, thanks! Secondly though, what are you referring to when you mention SS's fridge logic? Anything specific?
Anyways, thanks for the comment Miller!
This is another strong entry. I sense it has a bit of the same problem as I mentioned in another story, where the enjoyment is partly sacrificed for the sake of the twist. It's not a huge deal in this instance, since it's mostly just confusion that we experience when approaching the final reveal. Mainly, confusion as to how the story fits into the universe, and why this story matters in the grand scheme of Equestria, but that's something that with more expansion could be easily filled in, even without changing much of what's above. An added scene with just Solar Swirl so we understand his goals, a little background as to what led Gossamer down this path (that way we like her even before we realize we know her), that kinda stuff.
First off, glad you thought so! As for the criticism...
Um. Yeah. I don't have a huge amount to add here - you're totally right. I did have to sacrifice some content to maintain the reveal, and I definitely had to cut some stuff that would have made things a tad clearer. Expansion is very much on the table, and I'm already planning how I'll add in those Solar Swirl and Gossamer scenes.
One thing that might help us understand what 's going on is what "bond" magic is. I got the impression that this was a scientific meeting, so I was thinking about covalent bonds. Just a nitpick, I know that friendships are a "bond" as well, but I recommend revising a touch, just to make sure nobody makes a mistake like that.
A couple of people have touched on this, but you're the first to really highlight it, and I think you're right too. Other than the vague allusion to the founders, I didn't really explain this at all. Need to come up with a way to explain it naturally: I specifically envisioned bond magic as the more technical umbrella term for the study of both friendship and emotional (love, hate, etc.) magic, just so you know.
My only other real complaint is that Gossamer isn't reminiscent of who she becomes, except for attitude. Unless she has some connection with bugs—oh, threads. Like in a coccoon. Okay... *ahem*.
Carry on.
You obviously picked up on what I meant to connect them, but I'll take a look at maybe adding a few more threads (badum tsh!).
Now, the rest of your comment is mostly a response to scifipony's, which I've already addressed somewhat in his retrospective. There were one or two things I wanted to address though:
I can see the "emotionally flat" impression by the amount of adverbs and narrative italics that the author uses, and their drive to mention every little action and facial expression in the scene
Ack! Yeah, you've got a point (as I mentioned to scifipony too). I reaaally abused italics in this, and I definitely was throwing my all into 'show don't tell' via description of every movement the characters make. Something to be tweaked.
Every line felt carefully designed, fresh, and the discussion gave us a window into the characters' intentions (SS's fridge logic aside)
First off, thanks! Secondly though, what are you referring to when you mention SS's fridge logic? Anything specific?
Anyways, thanks for the comment Miller!
Last but certainly not least: >>Posh
The siren call of sleep is a strong one - no offense taken whatsoever. Thanks for commenting at all!
Well, I'm glad you thought so highly of it! I don't think I've actually seen much of you on Fimfic, but I absolutely loved Half A Pair Short, so this feels like high praise indeed, even if you didn't actually like it that much. Speaking of, that's completely fair. Sometimes a story just doesn't work for you.
As for Gossamer's motivation: I was trying to convey that she is somewhat psychopathic, and that this affected her ability to understand emotions and why ponies are so affected by them. I didn't really have much space to work with in conveying this though, and I can see why it might have fallen short. I'll work on that for the expanded version.
Again, thanks! And yep, the implication is that Chryssie is a normal pony who got anti-friendshipped, and that technically anypony could do the same. They'd just have to get access to a ritual that died with Solar Swirl in order to physically affect their bonds and soul.
Um... Don't think about it too hard? Eheh.
More seriously, this is the universe where ponies can change species by being good enough at the special talent that gives them a magic butt tattoo. And where friendship is quite literally magic, capable of blasting ancient moon demons and chaos gods alike. I don't think it's that much of stretch for the lack of it to give Chryssie fluttery wings and a horn. An anti-alicorn ascension, as it were.
Thanks again! I appreciate the feedback.
My reviews are starting to lose coherence; I'll tackle this one and one more. They'll be short. Sorry for that.
The siren call of sleep is a strong one - no offense taken whatsoever. Thanks for commenting at all!
This one: Really good. Highly evocative, creepy origin story. I'm not too sold on the protag's motivation; "I don't understand other ponies" seems a little too thin for what it is she's looking for, what she's after. "I'm know I'm hot, but I want to know why they think I'm hot."
It... doesn't do much for me.
Well, I'm glad you thought so highly of it! I don't think I've actually seen much of you on Fimfic, but I absolutely loved Half A Pair Short, so this feels like high praise indeed, even if you didn't actually like it that much. Speaking of, that's completely fair. Sometimes a story just doesn't work for you.
As for Gossamer's motivation: I was trying to convey that she is somewhat psychopathic, and that this affected her ability to understand emotions and why ponies are so affected by them. I didn't really have much space to work with in conveying this though, and I can see why it might have fallen short. I'll work on that for the expanded version.
But the action, the story being told, is great. Marvelous, even. Um. The body horror aspect is... weird to me? I guess underneath every pony, there's a bug-horse waiting to happen.
Again, thanks! And yep, the implication is that Chryssie is a normal pony who got anti-friendshipped, and that technically anypony could do the same. They'd just have to get access to a ritual that died with Solar Swirl in order to physically affect their bonds and soul.
But then, Chryssi's not just a charbroiled pony; she's like... an actual other species. Are we overlooking the big gossamer wings that her ponysona draws her name from?
Ugh, not too important to the story you're trying to tell, I'm sure.
Um... Don't think about it too hard? Eheh.
More seriously, this is the universe where ponies can change species by being good enough at the special talent that gives them a magic butt tattoo. And where friendship is quite literally magic, capable of blasting ancient moon demons and chaos gods alike. I don't think it's that much of stretch for the lack of it to give Chryssie fluttery wings and a horn. An anti-alicorn ascension, as it were.
Overall, it's good. I think it might get edged out at the top of my ballot, but it's holding pretty steady up there regardless.
Thanks again! I appreciate the feedback.
Congratulations to the winners, and thanks to everyone who gave me interesting feedback! Story retrospective and feedback retrospective are hopefully incoming once I feel up to writing them.
I was considering doing pic this round too, but I didn't wind up having time. I've voted on the pics and am planning on giving pic feedback, even though I don't think I'm much of a visual art critic, because I think the pics often don't get as much attention as they should.
I was considering doing pic this round too, but I didn't wind up having time. I've voted on the pics and am planning on giving pic feedback, even though I don't think I'm much of a visual art critic, because I think the pics often don't get as much attention as they should.
Who would have thought that after almost 5 years of Writeoff-ing, I'd win my first minific medal and my first gold with fucking free verse. Seriously, I'm so happy that people liked this as much as I hoped they would!
Retrospective: The Other One About Applejack
Okay, so a few months ago, Cass posted a bit of Charles Bukowski's "Bluebird" in the Discord Chat, and I thought it was really swell. It kind of lodged the idea to do free verse in my head, and since I usually try to do a bit of experimentation in FIM Mini Rounds, I thought I'd just get it out of my system.
One of the first things that I wanted to address when doing a poetry entry was the hook. From past Writeoffs, I realized that at least for me, it was really difficult to start reading a poetry entry, even if I knew that the reception for it was already really good. Because poetry demands high-effort reading, and it's sometimes hard to figure out what the point of a poem is, especially early on. So, after a lot of thought, I decided that the hook would be the title, and I think that a lot of this piece's success comes from it. It's my attempt to simultaneously intrigue the reader and give the piece of a bit of a "story". It was, like every other part of this entry, a bit of a gamble, but I'm happy it seemed to pay off!
I've always thought that the well-read farmer trope is great (I've wanted to write an introspective Big Mac piece for forever) so getting to express a bit of that was also really fun.
Okay, onward to review responses!
>>Meridian_Prime
As a resident of the Deep South, I can confirm that that's a typo. In the second flipping line of my poem. Why do I even bother proof reading at this point?
Seriously, though, glad you liked it! Thanks for your thoughts!
>>Miller Minus
Okay, this might be a symptom of growing up in an ESL household, but I grew up my entire life calling pieces of furniture with many drawers in them as a singular "drawers", kinda like "pants". Have I been doing it wrong my entire life.....?
Still, happy you liked it, Miller-san!
>>Light_Striker
Really glad you liked it!! I actually had a tough time for a little while with how I wanted to order the stanzas. At first, the "death" stanza was the first one of the poem, but I eventually moved things around to try to pace out the "reveal" and tension. I'm glad it seemed to have worked!
>>scifipony
TBH, it was actually supposed to read as a single poem that Applejack wrote in one sitting. But yeah, I can see why I'd come off like separate entries, and I can definitely see what you mean by it having no conflict. That was actually one of my bigger concerns, submitting it.
Yep, I wrote this just for the Writeoff community, because I knew that people who usually don't like poetry would still "have to" read it all. (I'm an awful person who takes advantage of people's reading obligations :P. ) I've got no plans to publish it elsewhere at the moment.
That's a spot where we're gonna have to disagree, I think. But I still really appreciate you saying so! It's always good to hear how/why an Writeoff entry doesn't work for somebody.
This is a really cool way to interpret the story. To my embarrassment, I have to admit that I didn't even put half of that kind of thought into the prompt. I actually mainly took inspiration from 1 Corinthians 13:12, the Bible verse from which the prompt comes from. "Now we see as through a mirror, darkly; then we will see face to face." It's about how death changes one's spiritual relationship, and this poem is about how death has changed Applejack's relationship with her parents.
Thank you so much for your detailed thoughts!
>>CoffeeMinion
I actually completely forgot that Peach-fics were a thing. Originally, the fruit I used was a pear, then I remembered that at this point, AJ knows that her mom was a Pear. So, it became an orange, but then I remembered that AJ has an "Auntie Orange" all the way back in Season 1. I think peaches were just about the only stereotypically American fruit left at that point.
For an explanation about "drawers", please sees my response to Miller. :P
I'm very happy it won you over! Thank you for your thoughts.
>>Posh
"Someone who pronounces their apostrophes" is my new favorite insult.
Thank you so much for your review, and I'm glad that you liked it!!
Retrospective: The Other One About Applejack
Okay, so a few months ago, Cass posted a bit of Charles Bukowski's "Bluebird" in the Discord Chat, and I thought it was really swell. It kind of lodged the idea to do free verse in my head, and since I usually try to do a bit of experimentation in FIM Mini Rounds, I thought I'd just get it out of my system.
One of the first things that I wanted to address when doing a poetry entry was the hook. From past Writeoffs, I realized that at least for me, it was really difficult to start reading a poetry entry, even if I knew that the reception for it was already really good. Because poetry demands high-effort reading, and it's sometimes hard to figure out what the point of a poem is, especially early on. So, after a lot of thought, I decided that the hook would be the title, and I think that a lot of this piece's success comes from it. It's my attempt to simultaneously intrigue the reader and give the piece of a bit of a "story". It was, like every other part of this entry, a bit of a gamble, but I'm happy it seemed to pay off!
I've always thought that the well-read farmer trope is great (I've wanted to write an introspective Big Mac piece for forever) so getting to express a bit of that was also really fun.
Okay, onward to review responses!
>>Meridian_Prime
As a resident of the Deep South, I can confirm that that's a typo. In the second flipping line of my poem. Why do I even bother proof reading at this point?
Seriously, though, glad you liked it! Thanks for your thoughts!
>>Miller Minus
My only complaint is the title. Either this single piece of paper has been torn up and put in several different drawers... or AJ has it stuffed inside her underwear. I recommend losing the 's' at the end.
Okay, this might be a symptom of growing up in an ESL household, but I grew up my entire life calling pieces of furniture with many drawers in them as a singular "drawers", kinda like "pants". Have I been doing it wrong my entire life.....?
Still, happy you liked it, Miller-san!
>>Light_Striker
Really glad you liked it!! I actually had a tough time for a little while with how I wanted to order the stanzas. At first, the "death" stanza was the first one of the poem, but I eventually moved things around to try to pace out the "reveal" and tension. I'm glad it seemed to have worked!
>>scifipony
It is a list of diary entries presented as blank verse. Yes, the sum total does tell a story, but not via plot, and in a secret way not intended to be read but by its fictional writer, which has its attraction even if you must intuit it. It has no conflict, unless you count recounted problems.
TBH, it was actually supposed to read as a single poem that Applejack wrote in one sitting. But yeah, I can see why I'd come off like separate entries, and I can definitely see what you mean by it having no conflict. That was actually one of my bigger concerns, submitting it.
Depending on what venue it was published in, with what type of introduction, that could mean no one would read it in its entirety. (I'm thinking but not limiting it to FimFiction.) Keep that in mind.
Yep, I wrote this just for the Writeoff community, because I knew that people who usually don't like poetry would still "have to" read it all. (I'm an awful person who takes advantage of people's reading obligations :P. ) I've got no plans to publish it elsewhere at the moment.
I can see no reason to have chosen verse formatting when regular paragraphing would have worked perfectly well and made it easier to read.
That's a spot where we're gonna have to disagree, I think. But I still really appreciate you saying so! It's always good to hear how/why an Writeoff entry doesn't work for somebody.
This meta story is very meta as to how it fits the prompt. To me, the diary entries are a reflection of AJ in a non-mirror medium. I'll ignore the brightly clause.
This is a really cool way to interpret the story. To my embarrassment, I have to admit that I didn't even put half of that kind of thought into the prompt. I actually mainly took inspiration from 1 Corinthians 13:12, the Bible verse from which the prompt comes from. "Now we see as through a mirror, darkly; then we will see face to face." It's about how death changes one's spiritual relationship, and this poem is about how death has changed Applejack's relationship with her parents.
Thank you so much for your detailed thoughts!
>>CoffeeMinion
I actually completely forgot that Peach-fics were a thing. Originally, the fruit I used was a pear, then I remembered that at this point, AJ knows that her mom was a Pear. So, it became an orange, but then I remembered that AJ has an "Auntie Orange" all the way back in Season 1. I think peaches were just about the only stereotypically American fruit left at that point.
For an explanation about "drawers", please sees my response to Miller. :P
I'm very happy it won you over! Thank you for your thoughts.
>>Posh
"Someone who pronounces their apostrophes" is my new favorite insult.
Thank you so much for your review, and I'm glad that you liked it!!
Half a Retrosp
yay, silver #2, at last
Like I said on page one, this was a rare occasion where I not only thought of an idea early on, but a fully formed idea, and where I gave myself enough time to write. Revisiting one of my favorite episodes from the series, and putting a spin on the tired old Applejack-centric "my parents are dead" premise at the same time, was a pleasure. I hope I was able to say something fresh with this particular take on the Apple family's dynamics. I've never quite seen deadbeat dads associated with the Apple family.
Anyway, not too much to say about the background or premise of this story. Let's get to answering reviews.
>>Shattered_Starlight
Agreed. I wanted to have some kind of narrative beat there, but I wasn't sure how to phrase it. Preferring something to nothing, I kept it as-is, but it stuck out to me as a rough patch.
>>Light_Striker
The way I had it in my mind when I was writing it, I decided that Mac left before Apple Bloom had a chance to say goodbye to him, assuming that she wasn't coming out any time soon, and unwilling to go back in.
Maybe that's cheap and needlessly cruel to the characters. But, drawing on my own knowledge and experience with deadbeat dads, it's... not altogether outside the realm of possibility.
I'm... not sure if we've communicated properly. Twilight's lying to spare Applejack's feelings.
Which brings me nicely to...
>>Miller Minus
So, clearly, lying to Applejack (which is an act so ironic that it should be punishable by a thousand year trip to the moon) is the most controversial element to this story. First of all, I agree. Let's get that out of the way.
But if I could explain my reasoning here for a moment... both AJs grew up without fathers, for one reason or another. While this Applejack clearly resents hers, considering him dead, the pony Applejack grew up loving and idealizing her late father. It's that emotional disconnect that Twilight's worried about, and which leads her to weigh the costs/benefits of telling the truth. Would it hurt Applejack to know that there's another version of herself whose father wasn't a lout? That there's a universe out there where she loves, rather than loathes, her father? Or would it only embitter her further, knowing that someone else lived the same life she did, with that one critical difference?
She chooses to lie, thinking that she's sparing this Applejack's feelings. "When all the truth does is make your heart ache," and so forth. I don't think it was the right decision for her, and the truth may have, as you put it, given Applejack some perspective.
In hindsight... I think you could argue that it's out of character. Which is what you did. And I kind of agree?
I quite prefer this, actually. I have a rewritten ending in mind where Twilight returns to the ponyworld, and has an exchange with Applejack, which ends with her lying about the human Bright Mac being dead. You're right; that would suit Twilight's character a little bit better (and make for more of a dramatic punch).
>>scifipony
I think I understand this criticism, but all the same, it would help me understand better if you would explain your meaning.
>>Meridian_Prime First comment I got, and I had a real "aw, shucks" feeling upon reading it. <3 Thanks.
Like I said on page one, this was a rare occasion where I not only thought of an idea early on, but a fully formed idea, and where I gave myself enough time to write. Revisiting one of my favorite episodes from the series, and putting a spin on the tired old Applejack-centric "my parents are dead" premise at the same time, was a pleasure. I hope I was able to say something fresh with this particular take on the Apple family's dynamics. I've never quite seen deadbeat dads associated with the Apple family.
Anyway, not too much to say about the background or premise of this story. Let's get to answering reviews.
>>Shattered_Starlight
However, Twilight's thoughts on "So then what was eating Applejack?" was most probably unnecessary; it was well evident in thr other descriptions of Applejack's sour attitude. Just a minor issue, and it doesn't detract from the story by a notable margin.
Agreed. I wanted to have some kind of narrative beat there, but I wasn't sure how to phrase it. Preferring something to nothing, I kept it as-is, but it stuck out to me as a rough patch.
>>Light_Striker
Possible inconsistency: when's Apple Bloom going to get time to say bye if Bright's already starting the truck by the end of the story? That could just be him making a mistake or assuming Applejack will say something sooner, but that feels a bit off.
The way I had it in my mind when I was writing it, I decided that Mac left before Apple Bloom had a chance to say goodbye to him, assuming that she wasn't coming out any time soon, and unwilling to go back in.
Maybe that's cheap and needlessly cruel to the characters. But, drawing on my own knowledge and experience with deadbeat dads, it's... not altogether outside the realm of possibility.
The things being the same way for pony Applejack in the ending feels underjustified, and I'm not sure where it was supposed to lead; that could maybe use another sentence or two to link it up and round it off. I like ending on the imagery of the truck crunching, though, and the emotional tone of that image reflects the broken family well.
I'm... not sure if we've communicated properly. Twilight's lying to spare Applejack's feelings.
Which brings me nicely to...
>>Miller Minus
It's really not, Twilight. It's not the same at all.
I first thought this story was building up to a reveal—not for us, but for Human AJ. I was genuinely curious how she would react to the fact that Pony AJ lost her father. Would she re-evaluate her position? Would she bitterly say that Pony AJ is lucky to not have seen what her father would turn into? Something else? I don't know.
So, clearly, lying to Applejack (which is an act so ironic that it should be punishable by a thousand year trip to the moon) is the most controversial element to this story. First of all, I agree. Let's get that out of the way.
But if I could explain my reasoning here for a moment... both AJs grew up without fathers, for one reason or another. While this Applejack clearly resents hers, considering him dead, the pony Applejack grew up loving and idealizing her late father. It's that emotional disconnect that Twilight's worried about, and which leads her to weigh the costs/benefits of telling the truth. Would it hurt Applejack to know that there's another version of herself whose father wasn't a lout? That there's a universe out there where she loves, rather than loathes, her father? Or would it only embitter her further, knowing that someone else lived the same life she did, with that one critical difference?
She chooses to lie, thinking that she's sparing this Applejack's feelings. "When all the truth does is make your heart ache," and so forth. I don't think it was the right decision for her, and the truth may have, as you put it, given Applejack some perspective.
In hindsight... I think you could argue that it's out of character. Which is what you did. And I kind of agree?
I also felt like it didn't make sense for Twilight's character? Let me put it this way: If the roles had been reversed, and Twilight had lied to Pony AJ about there being an alive father out there, that would fit her character a whole lot better, because Pony AJ stands to be protected by being lied to, whereas Human AJ might actually gain a little perspective. Or not! Again, I don't know.
I quite prefer this, actually. I have a rewritten ending in mind where Twilight returns to the ponyworld, and has an exchange with Applejack, which ends with her lying about the human Bright Mac being dead. You're right; that would suit Twilight's character a little bit better (and make for more of a dramatic punch).
>>scifipony
Nope. Pony Princess Twilight wouldn't say that. My opinion: change that.
I think I understand this criticism, but all the same, it would help me understand better if you would explain your meaning.
>>Meridian_Prime First comment I got, and I had a real "aw, shucks" feeling upon reading it. <3 Thanks.
>>Bachiavellian
Congrats! This was a treat. If you can get it to FimFiction, please do so; it deserves more attention!
Congrats! This was a treat. If you can get it to FimFiction, please do so; it deserves more attention!
>>CoffeeMinion
...Well, maybe as a blog post or a part of an anthology. I don't think artificially lengthening it is a good idea.
>>Dubs_Rewatcher
Thank you! I'm glad it worked for you. :)
...Well, maybe as a blog post or a part of an anthology. I don't think artificially lengthening it is a good idea.
>>Dubs_Rewatcher
Thank you! I'm glad it worked for you. :)
I like the variety of Twilights. It's a good representation of the story! I assume the tiny winged one is a Breezie? The composition and facial expressions work well with the “target” in the center. Bunch of nice details: the clipboard and tape measure, the fangs on changeling!Twilight. Not as sure about the look of the human, but the intent is clear enough. Pretty solid hatching and linework, though I think the scan may have eaten some of it.
Why does lab unicorn Twilight have both a modern-style pen and a feather quill?
Slate: 1st of 4.
Why does lab unicorn Twilight have both a modern-style pen and a feather quill?
Slate: 1st of 4.
I really like the use of shape in this one to represent the golden threads. I'm less convinced by the color and texture: the red scallopy hatching isn't really doing it for me, and I think the golden glow in the middle needs some more contrast (shadow or outline) to stand out from the page-background that's being used for her coat. The facial form is what really throws me off. The curves are dynamic and bold, but overall it could use to be more controlled and have less of the chaos of the scene leaking into the medium. I still appreciate it a lot, though; pics are kinda second-class around here, a bold try is worth quite a bit, and I can see a lot of work went into trying to represent the changeling transformation well.
Slate: 2nd of 4.
Slate: 2nd of 4.
The depth of field works for me; so does the lighting. The use of the stock background is appropriate to the story (which was mine; I'm glad it inspired someone!), and the magnifying glass is a lot easier to represent as a stock trope than the original story element.
Which I guess relates to the big downside of this pic, for me. In terms of total surface impressions, I'd be more likely to use something like this for (for instance) a story cover image than something like Snap, but I still ranked Snap higher than this because I think it pushed the boundaries more and is more to the purpose of a workshop. I have some idea that even basic-looking compositions like this are harder than they look, but this is a bit too cheap for me to rank it highly in its own right, even if the result coheres—especially since it leans so heavily on its source image.
I'm still glad you put something in, though!
Slate: 4th of 4.
Which I guess relates to the big downside of this pic, for me. In terms of total surface impressions, I'd be more likely to use something like this for (for instance) a story cover image than something like Snap, but I still ranked Snap higher than this because I think it pushed the boundaries more and is more to the purpose of a workshop. I have some idea that even basic-looking compositions like this are harder than they look, but this is a bit too cheap for me to rank it highly in its own right, even if the result coheres—especially since it leans so heavily on its source image.
I'm still glad you put something in, though!
Slate: 4th of 4.
It's a refrigerator drawing? It's not a bad refrigerator drawing. It's a step toward better drawings?
The Nightmare Moon works for me, in and of itself, and I think is the best-rendered part of the pic. The perspective on the houses, not so much. The yellow I can see the purpose of when I look at the fic connection, though at first glance I originally thought this was supposed to be a representation of the burning from “My Sister Loved You”.
The yellow strands really need more clarity and contrast versus their background, especially since they're the main event, so to speak. The background textures are passable if you can get the foreground to work better and (figuratively) overshadow them. The scanning quality also hurts this a bunch: the resolution and contrast are both too low, so I have to squint to see anything.
This could have a better connection to the story if it had more dynamism or emotion to it, some in-pic reason for me to see the “ponies who can see it see it as this sacred thing” that was described in the text. To be fair, that's a really hard bar to try to meet: you picked something to draw that was described as the kind of otherworldly beauty that means any actual rendition is going to look disappointing when compared to the nonexistent one behind the curtain. So you get some points for ambition there.
Looking up, GGA seems to have some actually useful advice for you, as opposed to my mostly-non-artist tail trying to talk about technique, so I'll just point to that!
Slate: 3rd of 4.
The Nightmare Moon works for me, in and of itself, and I think is the best-rendered part of the pic. The perspective on the houses, not so much. The yellow I can see the purpose of when I look at the fic connection, though at first glance I originally thought this was supposed to be a representation of the burning from “My Sister Loved You”.
The yellow strands really need more clarity and contrast versus their background, especially since they're the main event, so to speak. The background textures are passable if you can get the foreground to work better and (figuratively) overshadow them. The scanning quality also hurts this a bunch: the resolution and contrast are both too low, so I have to squint to see anything.
This could have a better connection to the story if it had more dynamism or emotion to it, some in-pic reason for me to see the “ponies who can see it see it as this sacred thing” that was described in the text. To be fair, that's a really hard bar to try to meet: you picked something to draw that was described as the kind of otherworldly beauty that means any actual rendition is going to look disappointing when compared to the nonexistent one behind the curtain. So you get some points for ambition there.
Looking up, GGA seems to have some actually useful advice for you, as opposed to my mostly-non-artist tail trying to talk about technique, so I'll just point to that!
Slate: 3rd of 4.
Next time, folks. Got my calendar marked and everything.
NEXT TIME. :rainbowdetermined2:
NEXT TIME. :rainbowdetermined2:
>>Bachiavellian
>>GroaningGreyAgony
>>Meridian_Prime
>>Light_Striker
Thank you guys for first! I was really inspired by Meridian's story and wanted to make a picture for it, but I was running out of time so I whipped out three pens and a highlighter and got to work.
As soon as I wanted to make the eyes mildly realistic I immediately regretted it because, as you guys have also seemed to notice, the eyes blended into the background.
The only thing I'm proud of is her hair and the hatching done with the red. (I might have gotten a bit carried away lol)
Also! Prime, I don't think you noticed yet but if you let your mouse hover over the picture you might get a surprise caption ;3.
Thanks for the feedback!!! <3
>>GroaningGreyAgony
>>Meridian_Prime
>>Light_Striker
Thank you guys for first! I was really inspired by Meridian's story and wanted to make a picture for it, but I was running out of time so I whipped out three pens and a highlighter and got to work.
As soon as I wanted to make the eyes mildly realistic I immediately regretted it because, as you guys have also seemed to notice, the eyes blended into the background.
The only thing I'm proud of is her hair and the hatching done with the red. (I might have gotten a bit carried away lol)
Also! Prime, I don't think you noticed yet but if you let your mouse hover over the picture you might get a surprise caption ;3.
Thanks for the feedback!!! <3
So first up, thanks a whole buncho for taking the time to review my piece. You all had incredibly useful things to say about this one, and honestly coming on to the writeoff site and seeing the notification alert made my day every time. I do have a few things I want to address though.
1. I have absolutely no idea why the resolution is so low, in fact, I didn't even notice it was until mid-evening the day voting started. By then... all I could do was cry, and hope for the best.
2. I normally do the sky with slightly off vertical lines as I did here, and then the ground with horizontal lines. Why didn't I in this piece? I have absolutely no idea. As GGA pointed out, that certainly would have helped had I done that.
>>Bachiavellian
Yeah, the low resolution really killed me here. The yellow lines are from a yellow highlighter because I colored in the green ground, then went to do lines in yellow... note to self, don't try and see yellow on green, it doesn't work.
>>GroaningGreyAgony
They colored pencil approach really didn't transfer well to image in this case, primarily because of the two things I addressed earlier. Seriously though, thanks a lot for writing all that for me. It was really great receiving that level of feedback.
>>Meridian_Prime
You're welcome for the art! I'm just sorry I couldn't do your story justice with this piece. As for the title, I'm super happy I got the same image you did, and I feel like I should praise you for communicating that so well. While I was browsing Google Translate for the title, nothing felt right except for Swedish.
>>Light_Striker
Huge thanks for your thoughts. I'm not sure what you mean by refrigerator drawing, so that probably means it isn't that xD. And yeah, the low resolution was murderous.
>>CoffeeMinion
(\ Oh hey, thanks dude <3
~~~~~~~
I boosted up the resolution digitally, so not the best image quality, but hopefully this works for y'all to view it at least a bit better...
https://imgur.com/9JPQqKt
1. I have absolutely no idea why the resolution is so low, in fact, I didn't even notice it was until mid-evening the day voting started. By then... all I could do was cry, and hope for the best.
2. I normally do the sky with slightly off vertical lines as I did here, and then the ground with horizontal lines. Why didn't I in this piece? I have absolutely no idea. As GGA pointed out, that certainly would have helped had I done that.
>>Bachiavellian
Yeah, the low resolution really killed me here. The yellow lines are from a yellow highlighter because I colored in the green ground, then went to do lines in yellow... note to self, don't try and see yellow on green, it doesn't work.
>>GroaningGreyAgony
They colored pencil approach really didn't transfer well to image in this case, primarily because of the two things I addressed earlier. Seriously though, thanks a lot for writing all that for me. It was really great receiving that level of feedback.
>>Meridian_Prime
You're welcome for the art! I'm just sorry I couldn't do your story justice with this piece. As for the title, I'm super happy I got the same image you did, and I feel like I should praise you for communicating that so well. While I was browsing Google Translate for the title, nothing felt right except for Swedish.
>>Light_Striker
Huge thanks for your thoughts. I'm not sure what you mean by refrigerator drawing, so that probably means it isn't that xD. And yeah, the low resolution was murderous.
>>CoffeeMinion
(\ Oh hey, thanks dude <3
~~~~~~~
I boosted up the resolution digitally, so not the best image quality, but hopefully this works for y'all to view it at least a bit better...
https://imgur.com/9JPQqKt
Neighton's Cradle, the retrospective:
This came out in the results just about where I thought it might! It's even in the same place in the results as it is on my slate.
This came out of a weird burst of inspiration, but it also went through only one major editing pass when it really needed two or three, and it shows. It was a difficult premise to fit into a minific, but I thought I could make it work by cutting the implications at the right point. From what the reviewers said, it seems like I didn't really get there, but apparently I generated some non-terrible prose in the process. I'm considering whether I should try to rework this, fix the issues, and maybe expand it into a full short story. I'm leaning toward yes if I have time and energy, but that's always the big uncertain part with me.
Onto the review responses:
>>Meridian_Prime
I'm glad you liked it! And I am proud of the prompt interpretation I got in.
>>Light_Striker
Past me, did you even notice the suspicious similarity between the structure of this one and the structure of our last Writeoff entry, in which a main character gradually spirals, ending in a big mistake that shortly cuts to everything burning? We might want to make sure not to do that next time, if only to extend our range.
Oh, wait, you can't make sure of it anymore because you're past me and you don't exist anymore; only present me exists now. Also, present me isn't doing next time, because future me is responsible for that. Okay, well, I'll try to get the message to future me, though I hope you'd forgive me if it got lost somewhere along the way.
>>Miller Minus
I definitely agree that the characterization arc is too flat, and I think past me was right about both the internal monologue getting bogged down and wallow-y.
I will disagree with one specific point, which is your idea that “playing perfect for my subjects” is not in character for Normal Good Celestia. While NGC might not resent it the same way, being affected by having to do an awful lot of smiling and nodding along with things is attested in canon and forms one of the main conflict points in S7E10, and I think this is close enough to be implied. I could see disagreement that those are the same thing, though. And I don't think this detracts from your surrounding point that it forms part of the change not being adequately depicted in text, because it's in-character for both; it's just a minor thing I felt the need to pick at.
>>Bachiavellian
Your point about hook is well-taken. It may take me a while to unpack how to turn that into something better, though. I appreciate how thoroughly you tried to explain this.
I think to condense another part of what you said (and what I thought after reading the reviews in general): the lack of “little hooks” is also a big deal—the main text is too heavily focused on a single aspect and doesn't tie it into motivation and effect enough in the surrounding world. I'm guessing this is what past me meant by stilted narration that might be mimicking the viewpoint character's emotional state. “self-absorbed” might actually describe it well.
Does that sound about right to you? (You don't have to answer, but you're invited to.)
>>scifipony
Similar appreciation of the point on lack of the emotional arc being carried through all the way in the buildup.
>>CoffeeMinion
This take I'm not sure I agree with; I think there's more potential in the “slice of a larger arc” than that, even if this story didn't do the implications right. I do think expanding it would make it better, and I can see a place for a story that tracks a much longer arc than this, but that story isn't necessarily this one. I appreciate that you liked the currently-standing prose though.
By the way, may I (re-)ask what your tier system looks like overall? “Keep Developing” feels like a “side tier” of “this looks incomplete” but I don't have quite enough context from your other reviews to interpret it.
>>Posh
:-( I'm sorry? Would you like some tea and a quiet place to nap? Thanks for reading?
I'm glad you liked the concept though, and yes, it needs to be sold better.
Thanks again to all the reviewers, and to everyone else participating in this round. If my weird burst of inspiration winds up carrying through at all, I'll be looking into participating in the next few rounds too (Original Short Story and FiM Short Story); I hope I make it, and if you want to, then I hope you do too. See you then!
This came out in the results just about where I thought it might! It's even in the same place in the results as it is on my slate.
This came out of a weird burst of inspiration, but it also went through only one major editing pass when it really needed two or three, and it shows. It was a difficult premise to fit into a minific, but I thought I could make it work by cutting the implications at the right point. From what the reviewers said, it seems like I didn't really get there, but apparently I generated some non-terrible prose in the process. I'm considering whether I should try to rework this, fix the issues, and maybe expand it into a full short story. I'm leaning toward yes if I have time and energy, but that's always the big uncertain part with me.
Onto the review responses:
>>Meridian_Prime
I'm glad you liked it! And I am proud of the prompt interpretation I got in.
>>Light_Striker
Past me, did you even notice the suspicious similarity between the structure of this one and the structure of our last Writeoff entry, in which a main character gradually spirals, ending in a big mistake that shortly cuts to everything burning? We might want to make sure not to do that next time, if only to extend our range.
Oh, wait, you can't make sure of it anymore because you're past me and you don't exist anymore; only present me exists now. Also, present me isn't doing next time, because future me is responsible for that. Okay, well, I'll try to get the message to future me, though I hope you'd forgive me if it got lost somewhere along the way.
>>Miller Minus
I definitely agree that the characterization arc is too flat, and I think past me was right about both the internal monologue getting bogged down and wallow-y.
I will disagree with one specific point, which is your idea that “playing perfect for my subjects” is not in character for Normal Good Celestia. While NGC might not resent it the same way, being affected by having to do an awful lot of smiling and nodding along with things is attested in canon and forms one of the main conflict points in S7E10, and I think this is close enough to be implied. I could see disagreement that those are the same thing, though. And I don't think this detracts from your surrounding point that it forms part of the change not being adequately depicted in text, because it's in-character for both; it's just a minor thing I felt the need to pick at.
>>Bachiavellian
Your point about hook is well-taken. It may take me a while to unpack how to turn that into something better, though. I appreciate how thoroughly you tried to explain this.
I think to condense another part of what you said (and what I thought after reading the reviews in general): the lack of “little hooks” is also a big deal—the main text is too heavily focused on a single aspect and doesn't tie it into motivation and effect enough in the surrounding world. I'm guessing this is what past me meant by stilted narration that might be mimicking the viewpoint character's emotional state. “self-absorbed” might actually describe it well.
Does that sound about right to you? (You don't have to answer, but you're invited to.)
>>scifipony
Similar appreciation of the point on lack of the emotional arc being carried through all the way in the buildup.
>>CoffeeMinion
This take I'm not sure I agree with; I think there's more potential in the “slice of a larger arc” than that, even if this story didn't do the implications right. I do think expanding it would make it better, and I can see a place for a story that tracks a much longer arc than this, but that story isn't necessarily this one. I appreciate that you liked the currently-standing prose though.
By the way, may I (re-)ask what your tier system looks like overall? “Keep Developing” feels like a “side tier” of “this looks incomplete” but I don't have quite enough context from your other reviews to interpret it.
>>Posh
:-( I'm sorry? Would you like some tea and a quiet place to nap? Thanks for reading?
I'm glad you liked the concept though, and yes, it needs to be sold better.
Thanks again to all the reviewers, and to everyone else participating in this round. If my weird burst of inspiration winds up carrying through at all, I'll be looking into participating in the next few rounds too (Original Short Story and FiM Short Story); I hope I make it, and if you want to, then I hope you do too. See you then!
>>Bachiavellian, >>Light_Striker
U Gonna Get Silvered!
‘Grats to Anon and Matt, and thanks for the silver and positive comments!
This was the strongest visual idea I got from this round, but my lazy brain did nothing with it until the last day. I then had the choice of trying to execute some polished art that was much restricted in scope, or just taking my rough draft sketch and running with it; I chose the latter. I’m happiest with the expressions on Princess Twi and Lab Twi, though I acknowledge that the whole piece is rough. This is also the first time I’ve tried to draw EqG Twi; perhaps her apparent lack of enthusiasm is also mine.
The mouseover is a reference to a filk song written by the late great Randall Garrett, which is sung here by the late great Isaac Asimov.
That’s a lollipop she’s saving for later.
(Also, none of you mentioned the Twilight at the bottom. This is probably just as well.)
U Gonna Get Silvered!
‘Grats to Anon and Matt, and thanks for the silver and positive comments!
This was the strongest visual idea I got from this round, but my lazy brain did nothing with it until the last day. I then had the choice of trying to execute some polished art that was much restricted in scope, or just taking my rough draft sketch and running with it; I chose the latter. I’m happiest with the expressions on Princess Twi and Lab Twi, though I acknowledge that the whole piece is rough. This is also the first time I’ve tried to draw EqG Twi; perhaps her apparent lack of enthusiasm is also mine.
The mouseover is a reference to a filk song written by the late great Randall Garrett, which is sung here by the late great Isaac Asimov.
Why does lab unicorn Twilight have both a modern-style pen and a feather quill?
That’s a lollipop she’s saving for later.
(Also, none of you mentioned the Twilight at the bottom. This is probably just as well.)
>>Light_Striker
Yo, absolutely. It’s a system* that I purloined from Horizon a while back. In ascending order, the tiers are:
Abstain
Keep Developing
Almost There
Strong
Top Contender
*: I don’t practice the system anywhere near as systematically as it was originally put forth by Horizon. However, I find it super helpful to have these kinds of tiered groupings when I’ve got a whole bunch of fics that I’ve gotta rank against each other—I can give an overall finger-in-the-wind guesstimate of how I’m going to vote on a given fic while retaining the flexibility to move it around within its tier on my slate.
I think this might be of decreasing overall value if Writeoffs continue attracting fewer fics, though. It’s also prone to occasional weirdness because of my subjective fleshbrain—like if the first story I pull seems like an instant Top Contender, I know from past experience that I’m almost always better off calling it Strong and trying to make sure I’ve worked myself into a sufficiently critical headspace. But then again, every so often we truly end up with a Writeoff where it’s just Strongs and/or TCs all the way down and trying to rank them is agony.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Yo, absolutely. It’s a system* that I purloined from Horizon a while back. In ascending order, the tiers are:
Abstain
Keep Developing
Almost There
Strong
Top Contender
*: I don’t practice the system anywhere near as systematically as it was originally put forth by Horizon. However, I find it super helpful to have these kinds of tiered groupings when I’ve got a whole bunch of fics that I’ve gotta rank against each other—I can give an overall finger-in-the-wind guesstimate of how I’m going to vote on a given fic while retaining the flexibility to move it around within its tier on my slate.
I think this might be of decreasing overall value if Writeoffs continue attracting fewer fics, though. It’s also prone to occasional weirdness because of my subjective fleshbrain—like if the first story I pull seems like an instant Top Contender, I know from past experience that I’m almost always better off calling it Strong and trying to make sure I’ve worked myself into a sufficiently critical headspace. But then again, every so often we truly end up with a Writeoff where it’s just Strongs and/or TCs all the way down and trying to rank them is agony.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Gonna comment on this one real quick-like. You did a really good job with this piece. I immediately recognized it for what it was, and have no complaint about it at all. Like, honestly, you did a wonderful job. I could only ever dream of having the skill to pull this off. So don't take the 4th place as a sign of failure. It's just this medium didn't work out so well this round.
>>GroaningGreyAgony
Sorry I didn’t comment yet mr grey...
Wait.
Anyway, I really loved your picture with all of the twilights encircling the mane twilight. I didn’t even notice the Twilight down there before. 0-0 My favorite part about the whole thing is that Twilight’s staff is staring at Twilight Sparkle’s face, too.
Sorry I didn’t comment yet mr grey...
Wait.
Anyway, I really loved your picture with all of the twilights encircling the mane twilight. I didn’t even notice the Twilight down there before. 0-0 My favorite part about the whole thing is that Twilight’s staff is staring at Twilight Sparkle’s face, too.
>>GroaningGreyAgony
Yes, well, I kind of half-consciously carefully avoided mentioning that one…
Yes, well, I kind of half-consciously carefully avoided mentioning that one…
>>Light_Striker
I wouldn't quite call it "self-absorbed" as I would say it might be overly-focused on its reveal in some ways. To try to clarify my earlier rambles, I think you need to give your reader an immediate concern—something interesting to focus on. This shouldn't be completely unrelated to the twist/reveal, or else people will feel like the twist came out of the blue. But there should be a degree of surprise, when the reader gets to the twist. Like, for an example, maybe have Celestia arguing with Luna over Twilight spending more time with Luna nowadays or something?
Honestly, I'm just spitballing right now. :P As long as it's immediately interesting/engaging, I think it'll do the trick. What I'm trying to say is, hooking your reader is important.
I wouldn't quite call it "self-absorbed" as I would say it might be overly-focused on its reveal in some ways. To try to clarify my earlier rambles, I think you need to give your reader an immediate concern—something interesting to focus on. This shouldn't be completely unrelated to the twist/reveal, or else people will feel like the twist came out of the blue. But there should be a degree of surprise, when the reader gets to the twist. Like, for an example, maybe have Celestia arguing with Luna over Twilight spending more time with Luna nowadays or something?
Honestly, I'm just spitballing right now. :P As long as it's immediately interesting/engaging, I think it'll do the trick. What I'm trying to say is, hooking your reader is important.
>>Anon Y Mous
:O
Wow, I didn't notice that at all. Anyway, you absolutely deserved first, and I'm glad you liked the story! Thanks again.
:O
Wow, I didn't notice that at all. Anyway, you absolutely deserved first, and I'm glad you liked the story! Thanks again.