I can always get behind a Daybreaker fic, and this is an unsual take on it too. I've never seen someone try to write Celestia falling into the same trap her sister did, but this is a believable way that she could - and I love how you tied the prompt into it. 'Through A Glass Brightly' indeed!

Also known as: The “Princess” Text (sorry)

Post-competition note: This was a review-by-author for anonymity reasons. (This is visible in the names, but I'm adding it to the top of the post just to make it extra-clear.)

Running impressions:

So this is… what, at the beginning? At first it looks like dialogue, but then it's clearly news, but what time period is this supposed to be set in where Luna's just reappeared but Twilight's also just been crowned? Is this AU?

Okay, jump to first person. Viewpoint character's established well. Callback to that one episode with the breakfast.

Oh, I get it. I think. Was the introduction supposed to be a time lapse? That was pretty jarring at first.

Narration feels… a bit stilted. Or maybe bland? Raw? “mechanically” sounds about right. If that's supposed to be the viewpoint character's emotions… why, though?

“Square Measure” sounds like somepony who would specialize in bar chocolate if they're working for Cocoa Swirl.

The news article tone is just perfect. Also I love “Lecturer Princess Twilight Sparkle”.

Two scene breaks in a minific. That's ambitious. But I'm not sure about the time jump in the second break. The transition sentence makes it clear enough, I guess, it just feels rushed.

The inner monologue is laying it on pretty thick here. I don't know if that's realistic for someone who's used to keeping such equipoise in canon (and earlier in the story, for that matter). “Or maybe that would be for the best”, really? “I can barely breathe”? Also, wouldn't she proactively have learned about the nature of the stars a long time ago? Or was that kept secret from her for some reason? It sounds like that's the tipping point here and it's not quite justified.

“terrifying energy surges from my fearful heart” clangs rhythmically due to the almost-doubled adjective, which is a shame because the rest of that paragraph unfolds pretty nicely.

Ending is punchy. Maybe a bit rushed, but I think it's more the gap between that and what came before. Or maybe the middle part is just too repetitive and it leaves a bit of a sour taste.

Overall: It's a straightforward take on a theme that's been around pony fandom for a while. That means it's probably been done a bunch before, but that doesn't make it bad. The use of news to present backstory works well with the characters involved, and the overall story arc has a good feel. There's some stilted narration, and the buildup before the climax is marred by the viewpoint character's reactions not feeling well-justified. Showing more of the development of her state of mind might help, if it's possible to fit that in earlier. Not bad as a whole, though. Slate: 6th of 13.

Disclaimer: The first sentence of this review sounds harsh. I'm sorry but I'm unable to think of a better way to start it just now. Don't worry, I get nicer.

This is one of those stories that sacrifices the reader's enjoyment of the story in order to facilitate a twist at the end. I've seen this a lot before, actually. See, as I was reading, I was all ready to complain that Celestia sounds absolutely nothing like herself. Disdainful, petulant, a big ol' baby with shiny hair. It really took me out of the story.

But okay, so she's changing* into Daybreaker. True, that technically explains what was happening with her throughout the story, but that doesn't change the fact that I didn't enjoy it. A little more reader empathy would have gone a long way here.

Now, you see that little asterisk up there, next to the word changing? It's there because, if I'm being totally honest, I don't think this story shows her changing into Daybreaker at all. She seems to already be Daybreaker right from the start. The first line that Celestia delivers in your story includes "playing perfect for my subjects". That isn't a Celestia line; that's a Daybreaker line. I wonder if this story would have been more impactful if Celestia had started off as the Princess we all know, and finished doing something slightly Daybreaker-esque, such as what she does here. That way we actually experience the internal changes with her, instead of just the external changes. You can even keep the same ending line (which I loved).

Luckily, (and you may have already noticed this), the first issue I discussed would also be solved by adding the full arc.Two birds with one stone, look'a that.

That's all for complaints though. On the positive side, this story has great prose. Some of the best this round, if you ask me. It's fresh, yet unobtrusive. So kudos on that front!

Aaaaand that's all I got. Thanks for writing, Author, and good luck in the voting!

I like the idea you're going for here, and I like that you used a tight, thought-by-thought level of first-person narration here, which was definitely the right choice.

I'm going to be brutally honest and say that when I got to the twist, it just didn't feel as impactful to me as I suspect you wanted it to be. I've done some thinking on why this didn't work for me as well as the twist in In Spirit Golden, and I hope my thoughts make sense.

I think a lot of my let-down might have to do with the fact that outside of the twist, there is actually very little else, if anything else, happening in the story. I think one of the most important parts of executing a twist is to actually distract the audience from the mechanics of the reveal. In this story, the first third of the story with the newspaper headlines sets Celestia's mood, then the middle third sets the physical scene of the twist event, and the last third is the epiphany playing out. It's about as barebones as you can get. In contrast, In Spirit Golden had a lot of little things happening in the foreground, like Gossamer's psychopathy, and the dynamic between her and Solar. All of these little things helped me get invested in the setting, before the story executed on its premise.

I think what >>Light_Striker is picking up as "rushed" might be because the twist itself ends up feeling small in comparison to all of the word count and lengthy bulk that was spent building up to it. I know that sounds odd to say about a minific (which is by nature short), but you need to take into account how readers read minifics. We're going into this knowing that there's only 750 words before we get our payoff. So, almost every sentence, we're asking ourselves, "Okay, where is this story going? What is the central point?" just because we know it's going to end soon. If you look at historic winners of minific competitions, the vast majority of them establish settings and characters within the first couple of sentences. They almost invariably telegraph their theme/arc/message/conflict within the first 100-200 words. It's important to hook your audience as quickly as humanly possible.

With this story, we open up with the news headlines, which while mood-setting, doesn't really hook the reader immediately. As readers, we're still asking ourselves, "Where is this story going?". During the breakfast scene and the telescope foreshadowing, we're still asking ourselves "Where is this story going?". And when we finally get the answer at the end, the story is already over. It's a bit of an anti-climax, since we don't have anything to latch onto until we're already done with the whole thing. I think this has a lot to do with >>Miller Minus's point about sacrificing the reading experience for the sake of the twist.

In my opinion, you need to give the audience some kind of answer to "What is this story about?" as darn fast as you can, even if it's just a distraction. With In Spirit Golden, the hook was the mystery of Gossamer's motivation and the intrigue of her psychopathy. These both play into the twist, but they do not directly set the twist up. They're there for the reader to become interested, first and foremost. I feel like you need something like that here—something demands my investment. Otherwise, when the twist is all there is to the story, it can feel bare-bones, and it becomes limited in how much of a reaction it elicits.

I can see what you're doing here, and I think that while it's a good story, I think length constraints do make it hard to achieve. Telegraphy of snippets is a good choice, and it really does set up the situation, but it has its limitations. While the news articles stage the transition to C's cognition and decision, and each communicates an passion of its own, the whole chain (the definition of C's existential crisis) is devoid of emotion. You created a clockwork of logic, but what it lacks—and this is only one reader stating broadly and telegraphically—is pony tears. It's the missing pendulum to make it tick. Totally. Add that and enough verbiage to make us see and feel C's sense of isolation, and the story might be publishable. Except for the burning paper, it's all tell and no show.

Genre: Sunbutt Sunbutt Burning Bright

Thoughts: I think there’s a valid and interesting subgenre of Celestia’s Fall fics. I think this could even be the beginning of one. My beef with this, though, is that it’s only a beginning.

Now I’ve done this too with past minifics, so I can hardly throw stones. But it’s ultimately just not as satisfying for the reader to be taken through the buildup and “first disaster” of a logical plot arc without getting to experience the rest of it. Celestia’s fall has earth-shattering implications that don’t scan as well with just a fade to black and a trailing “Dunn dunn dunnnnn...”

But I feel like that’s more of an issue with topic selection and story structure rather than a knock against what we get here. What’s on the page is pretty good! But it’s more like an intro or a trailer than the full thing. Keep working on the rest of it, and it’s bound to be a worthwhile journey.

Tier: Keep Developing

A very plausible way of looking at how Daybreaker could come to life someday. Conceptually, I love it. Narratively...

Sell Celestia's jealousy a little bit more. I don't think it needs much, as her actions express it well enough. A bit more self-reflection, maybe?

I dunno. I'm tired. Leave me alone.

Neighton's Cradle, the retrospective:

This came out in the results just about where I thought it might! It's even in the same place in the results as it is on my slate.

This came out of a weird burst of inspiration, but it also went through only one major editing pass when it really needed two or three, and it shows. It was a difficult premise to fit into a minific, but I thought I could make it work by cutting the implications at the right point. From what the reviewers said, it seems like I didn't really get there, but apparently I generated some non-terrible prose in the process. I'm considering whether I should try to rework this, fix the issues, and maybe expand it into a full short story. I'm leaning toward yes if I have time and energy, but that's always the big uncertain part with me.

Onto the review responses:

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>>Meridian_Prime

I'm glad you liked it! And I am proud of the prompt interpretation I got in.

>>Light_Striker

Past me, did you even notice the suspicious similarity between the structure of this one and the structure of our last Writeoff entry, in which a main character gradually spirals, ending in a big mistake that shortly cuts to everything burning? We might want to make sure not to do that next time, if only to extend our range.

Oh, wait, you can't make sure of it anymore because you're past me and you don't exist anymore; only present me exists now. Also, present me isn't doing next time, because future me is responsible for that. Okay, well, I'll try to get the message to future me, though I hope you'd forgive me if it got lost somewhere along the way.

>>Miller Minus

I definitely agree that the characterization arc is too flat, and I think past me was right about both the internal monologue getting bogged down and wallow-y.

I will disagree with one specific point, which is your idea that “playing perfect for my subjects” is not in character for Normal Good Celestia. While NGC might not resent it the same way, being affected by having to do an awful lot of smiling and nodding along with things is attested in canon and forms one of the main conflict points in S7E10, and I think this is close enough to be implied. I could see disagreement that those are the same thing, though. And I don't think this detracts from your surrounding point that it forms part of the change not being adequately depicted in text, because it's in-character for both; it's just a minor thing I felt the need to pick at.

>>Bachiavellian

Your point about hook is well-taken. It may take me a while to unpack how to turn that into something better, though. I appreciate how thoroughly you tried to explain this.

I think to condense another part of what you said (and what I thought after reading the reviews in general): the lack of “little hooks” is also a big deal—the main text is too heavily focused on a single aspect and doesn't tie it into motivation and effect enough in the surrounding world. I'm guessing this is what past me meant by stilted narration that might be mimicking the viewpoint character's emotional state. “self-absorbed” might actually describe it well.

Does that sound about right to you? (You don't have to answer, but you're invited to.)

>>scifipony

Similar appreciation of the point on lack of the emotional arc being carried through all the way in the buildup.

>>CoffeeMinion

This take I'm not sure I agree with; I think there's more potential in the “slice of a larger arc” than that, even if this story didn't do the implications right. I do think expanding it would make it better, and I can see a place for a story that tracks a much longer arc than this, but that story isn't necessarily this one. I appreciate that you liked the currently-standing prose though.

By the way, may I (re-)ask what your tier system looks like overall? “Keep Developing” feels like a “side tier” of “this looks incomplete” but I don't have quite enough context from your other reviews to interpret it.

>>Posh

:-( I'm sorry? Would you like some tea and a quiet place to nap? Thanks for reading?

I'm glad you liked the concept though, and yes, it needs to be sold better.

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Thanks again to all the reviewers, and to everyone else participating in this round. If my weird burst of inspiration winds up carrying through at all, I'll be looking into participating in the next few rounds too (Original Short Story and FiM Short Story); I hope I make it, and if you want to, then I hope you do too. See you then!

>>Light_Striker
Yo, absolutely. It’s a system* that I purloined from Horizon a while back. In ascending order, the tiers are:

Abstain
Keep Developing
Almost There
Strong
Top Contender

*: I don’t practice the system anywhere near as systematically as it was originally put forth by Horizon. However, I find it super helpful to have these kinds of tiered groupings when I’ve got a whole bunch of fics that I’ve gotta rank against each other—I can give an overall finger-in-the-wind guesstimate of how I’m going to vote on a given fic while retaining the flexibility to move it around within its tier on my slate.

I think this might be of decreasing overall value if Writeoffs continue attracting fewer fics, though. It’s also prone to occasional weirdness because of my subjective fleshbrain—like if the first story I pull seems like an instant Top Contender, I know from past experience that I’m almost always better off calling it Strong and trying to make sure I’ve worked myself into a sufficiently critical headspace. But then again, every so often we truly end up with a Writeoff where it’s just Strongs and/or TCs all the way down and trying to rank them is agony.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

>>Light_Striker
I wouldn't quite call it "self-absorbed" as I would say it might be overly-focused on its reveal in some ways. To try to clarify my earlier rambles, I think you need to give your reader an immediate concern—something interesting to focus on. This shouldn't be completely unrelated to the twist/reveal, or else people will feel like the twist came out of the blue. But there should be a degree of surprise, when the reader gets to the twist. Like, for an example, maybe have Celestia arguing with Luna over Twilight spending more time with Luna nowadays or something?

Honestly, I'm just spitballing right now. :P As long as it's immediately interesting/engaging, I think it'll do the trick. What I'm trying to say is, hooking your reader is important.