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Forgotten Lessons Remembered
Through a mirror, brightly
I saw a pone prance proudly
and though we both thought darkly
her intentions, unlike mine, shone knightly
I saw a pone prance proudly
and though we both thought darkly
her intentions, unlike mine, shone knightly
"No. No, no, no!"
A frazzled Twilight said, "Starlight, you're the most reformed pony I know, even compared to Luna, and you're also available! Give her a friendship lesson."
"Which?"
"Any!"
"Any?"
She teleported outside with a double pop. Running after, Spike yelled, "You forgot me!"
I turned. Framed in the door to the dining room stood a red-maned purple pony in a black leotard. Mint-green eyes blinked at me, then looked at the floor. "Yes, I heard that."
Tempest Shadow—no, Fizzlepop Berrytwist—had returned with Twilight after repatriating the yeti and recommissioning the Stormking's fleet. Twilight saw a reformed new friend of Equestria. Her invasion of Canterlot left me seeing her more darkly. As I pictured Trixie's unhappy face and remembered Sunset's words, an idea condensed.
Trying my mane into the bouffant I used to wear, I whispered, "Any lesson?"
Fizzlepop asked, "So what makes you Equestria's most reformed?"
I pointed a hoof. She followed. "Consider yourself privileged. Only Twilight and Spike know I destroyed Equestria six times before Twilight deconstructed my evil personality."
"Only six times?"
As we entered the auxiliary library, a ray of afternoon sun glinted off the portal. I shot a pulse of green magic into the mirror surface, making the framework pulse and the surface hypnotically swirl.
"Time spells."
Her broken horn fizzed. Her scar darkened as she studied me. "What do you wish to teach me?"
"A lesson. Follow me."
I jumped into the quicksilver pane, felt myself spaghettified and spun through the trans-dimensional plane, to step out two-legged and upright in front of Canterlot High, lit by an orange westering sun. Friday evening. Students had dispersed; moderate traffic and a bus rumbled by. I bounced away on the balls of my feet, flexing my versatile human fists, air boxing. In this world, I was a gangly wisp, but had reach. And I couldn't use magic, so I could argue I was being fair.
The portal fountained silver horizontally as Fizzlepop slipped through, immediately planting herself on one knee with one hand flat on the pavement to steady herself and another on her upright knee. Her eyes widened. She tracked a pedestrian reading a phone as she walked by, then took in the buildings and cars before narrowing her eyes upon me.
Bouncing, jabbing the air, I said, "Twilight and I used to start our days with a magic duel; you and I can't do that. Sunset, another of our reformed evildoers club, once confided that it's sometimes easier to make a friend after you've beaten the crap out of one another. I want to find out."
"I sense you're angry." Fizzlepop levered herself up, took a step, another, and didn't wobble. She slowly windmilled her arms, then bounced in-place. "I get that a lot."
Her crooked smile belied her words.
"Angry? When I defended us against your soldiers, my magic splashed off those cursed shields and knocked me senseless. My friend Trixie hauled me around Canterlot, dodging capture, sneaking bandages and food, hiding us in a coal-chute. She's become sober-thinking and less spontaneous since. I can't forgive that."
Fizzlepop's neck and back popped as she stretched. I looked up at the inexplicably-adult her compared to the teen-sized me, taking in grey-streaked red hair cut into a buzz-sided Mohawk. Black chamois leather sheathed her muscular body. The red scar that slit through her eye completed her ominous grizzled-biker look.
"I didn't forgive my foal friends Lime or Montage after the Ursa attacked me. I excused myself to become Tempest Shadow. When I told Princess Twilight she'd failed at friendship, I'd described myself.
"I can only apologize for the guilt I carry for my choices. I've apologized to Lime and Montage, but beating you bloody, which I'd do even here, won't fix a thing."
I stopped bouncing and glanced away.
Her words drained the fire from my blood.
"After Sunburst got his cutie mark—" My voice caught. "I ran away. I'd thought he'd abandoned me, but I was wrong. I'd never checked! I'd excused myself to steal cutie marks and ravage time itself—"
"How many ponies have you yet to apologize to?"
Someone shouted, "Starlight!" I saw Sunset running up with Twilight who carried her magic detector. "Why are you here, and... who's this?"
"A new inductee to our reformed evildoers club... with a lesson to teach."
The opening lines are a little odd in their phrasing, but it works well enough. There aren't many stories pairing these two particular characters (not like that, get your head out of the gutter shipping chart), and I like what you did with them! The ending in particular feels very FiM in a good way, the kind of moral that we could all use every once in a while.
Also known as: What a Twist! (sorry)
Running impressions:
Oh good, it's frazzled Twilight! Yep! That's how that would go, all right. Nice punchy way of introducing the slower meat of the story while getting her out of the way.
“Trying my mane” → “Tying my mane”. Also, who's Starlight whispering to in that paragraph? Herself, I assume.
The banter between the two reformed villains plays out nicely to reflect them in each other's eyes to the reader, even if it's only a glimpse.
How does a scar darken in a perceptible amount of time like that?
I hope a quicksilver pane isn't a mercury poisoning risk, and spaghettification, owww—I can see what you're going for there, but the first thing that comes to mind for me (via the usage of the term for black holes) is really gory. “trans-dimensional plane” also feels odd here given that it's depicted in the movies as more like a fantasy wormhole, and “plane” usually implies a more solid sense of place. I like that you tried to describe this, but the terminology might need some massaging.
Then: “moderate traffic andZoidbergKnucklesa bus”, “fountained silver horizontally”… It doesn't throw me out of the story, but it's a bit disorienting.
Oh, that's very nicely kinetic of humanized Starlight. You're paying attention to the body-feel of things for the whole rest of the story and it makes it so much more grounded. Starlight's “I want to find out” is appropriate for her as a curious mage, too.
Link feels unnecessary. If the reader hasn't seen the movie, they should be able to look this up already.
I'm not quite sure I understand the lesson at the end. Is it supposed to be that Starlight's still stuck in her old combative habits? Maybe it's just weird for me because I've been around people who very likely would find it easier to make friends after beating the crap out of each other, and aside from the increased distance between those who have that trait and those who don't, it doesn't seem to inherently work out badly. Is Starlight conflicted about whether she means it or not?
Added later: I think that must be it, on further thought: she was going into it with the wrong intentions and the wrong unresolved emotions, and it ties back into the poem at the beginning, which I didn't catch the cue to remember when I got there.
Overall: It's very FiM in tone, and I love the environment descriptions and the characterization, plus the way it pulls in movie-adjacent backstory and the way the characters get translated into the EqG world. The lesson arc could use a little more grounding, but overall I really liked this one. Slate: 4th of 13.
Running impressions:
Oh good, it's frazzled Twilight! Yep! That's how that would go, all right. Nice punchy way of introducing the slower meat of the story while getting her out of the way.
“Trying my mane” → “Tying my mane”. Also, who's Starlight whispering to in that paragraph? Herself, I assume.
The banter between the two reformed villains plays out nicely to reflect them in each other's eyes to the reader, even if it's only a glimpse.
How does a scar darken in a perceptible amount of time like that?
I hope a quicksilver pane isn't a mercury poisoning risk, and spaghettification, owww—I can see what you're going for there, but the first thing that comes to mind for me (via the usage of the term for black holes) is really gory. “trans-dimensional plane” also feels odd here given that it's depicted in the movies as more like a fantasy wormhole, and “plane” usually implies a more solid sense of place. I like that you tried to describe this, but the terminology might need some massaging.
Then: “moderate traffic and
Oh, that's very nicely kinetic of humanized Starlight. You're paying attention to the body-feel of things for the whole rest of the story and it makes it so much more grounded. Starlight's “I want to find out” is appropriate for her as a curious mage, too.
Link feels unnecessary. If the reader hasn't seen the movie, they should be able to look this up already.
I'm not quite sure I understand the lesson at the end. Is it supposed to be that Starlight's still stuck in her old combative habits? Maybe it's just weird for me because I've been around people who very likely would find it easier to make friends after beating the crap out of each other, and aside from the increased distance between those who have that trait and those who don't, it doesn't seem to inherently work out badly. Is Starlight conflicted about whether she means it or not?
Added later: I think that must be it, on further thought: she was going into it with the wrong intentions and the wrong unresolved emotions, and it ties back into the poem at the beginning, which I didn't catch the cue to remember when I got there.
Overall: It's very FiM in tone, and I love the environment descriptions and the characterization, plus the way it pulls in movie-adjacent backstory and the way the characters get translated into the EqG world. The lesson arc could use a little more grounding, but overall I really liked this one. Slate: 4th of 13.
I feel like... the only one who didn't find this very FiM. The dialogue felt very clunky—specifically in that the characters are using more words than they need to—and a lot of the word choices are not very FiM at all (spaghettification, beating each other bloody, etc.). And what is this about mlp characters beating the shit out of each other to become friends? I'm certain that's never been a lesson.
I mean, the story certainly referenced FiM a lot—the characters spent a long time talking about stuff that happened in the show and the movie (or hyperlinking to it). And that's one of my complaints, Author. You can assume we've seen all this stuff. Because we have.
But okay, let's talk about the lesson. I'm with >>Light_Striker, I'm lost about what anyone has learned, let alone what anyone has taught. Perhaps I'm a doofus. But the whole story is predicated on people learning something here, and without knowing what that is, I just see characters taking a tour through some random environments, referencing stuff that's happened to them in the past, and pointing out that Tempest is a reformed villain just like them.
I'm certain the lesson exists in your head, Author. But I haven't caught a single thread of it. Sorry about that.
Perhaps someone else can set me straight?
I mean, the story certainly referenced FiM a lot—the characters spent a long time talking about stuff that happened in the show and the movie (or hyperlinking to it). And that's one of my complaints, Author. You can assume we've seen all this stuff. Because we have.
But okay, let's talk about the lesson. I'm with >>Light_Striker, I'm lost about what anyone has learned, let alone what anyone has taught. Perhaps I'm a doofus. But the whole story is predicated on people learning something here, and without knowing what that is, I just see characters taking a tour through some random environments, referencing stuff that's happened to them in the past, and pointing out that Tempest is a reformed villain just like them.
I'm certain the lesson exists in your head, Author. But I haven't caught a single thread of it. Sorry about that.
Perhaps someone else can set me straight?
Out of all the entries, this probably left the biggest impression on me when I first read it. I mean, I'm already stupidly predisposed to like Tempest stories, and this does have what I think is a really fun premise. But I have to be honest and say that on the second and third reads, I'm not quite getting as coherent a message as I thought I did. I don't usually do this, but let's break it down from the top.
The poem is a little bit of an odd choice to start things off. I mean, it wasn't distracting, but it didn't really hook me either. I'm not sure what your intentions are with it, other than maybe how it references the prompt? The poem also gave off the impression a somber tone to my first read-through that turned out to not be correct, considering that the actual fic starts off with two snappy jokes in a row.
I liked the slapstick intro to the conflict, and the little coda of Spike having to physically run away. I also like that you jump straight into character-developing dialogue between Tempest and Glimmy, to keep the pacing rolling.
I'm a little less on-board with the character voicing. In the film, Tempest is definitely stoic in her speech, but I don't think she's ever outright formal. Phrases like "what do you wish" struck me on the odd side, as a result. I find myself liking Glammy's dialogue a bit more, but I'm not sure that you're taking full advantage of the first person perspective you've chosen. Outside of a few sentences describing using the mirror, I don't feel like we're getting much of her perspective.
Speaking of the mirror, the more I think about it, the more I don't see why they had to go to Human-land to fight, other than to possibly call back to the prompt? You spend a lot of words describing the portal and Human-Tempest's appearance that I think could have gone into emphasizing the message,
The message itself, about apology and forgiveness, is just about perfect in scope for a minific. I like that you've left a degree of it up to interpretation--this feels very appropriate. But at the same time, I can tell you're hitting the word cap, here. The entire resolution plays out in about 140 words, and it definitely feels like only 140 words. I can't help but feel that if you trimmed some fat (like human-land, or maybe the poem) you might be able to do some more work here, where it really counts.
In the end, I definitely enjoyed what I think you were trying to do, but a handful of execution choices did bother me. So even though this was one of the entries that I enjoyed reading the most this round, I also think that it's one of the entries that could benefit most from a top-down rework.
The poem is a little bit of an odd choice to start things off. I mean, it wasn't distracting, but it didn't really hook me either. I'm not sure what your intentions are with it, other than maybe how it references the prompt? The poem also gave off the impression a somber tone to my first read-through that turned out to not be correct, considering that the actual fic starts off with two snappy jokes in a row.
I liked the slapstick intro to the conflict, and the little coda of Spike having to physically run away. I also like that you jump straight into character-developing dialogue between Tempest and Glimmy, to keep the pacing rolling.
I'm a little less on-board with the character voicing. In the film, Tempest is definitely stoic in her speech, but I don't think she's ever outright formal. Phrases like "what do you wish" struck me on the odd side, as a result. I find myself liking Glammy's dialogue a bit more, but I'm not sure that you're taking full advantage of the first person perspective you've chosen. Outside of a few sentences describing using the mirror, I don't feel like we're getting much of her perspective.
Speaking of the mirror, the more I think about it, the more I don't see why they had to go to Human-land to fight, other than to possibly call back to the prompt? You spend a lot of words describing the portal and Human-Tempest's appearance that I think could have gone into emphasizing the message,
The message itself, about apology and forgiveness, is just about perfect in scope for a minific. I like that you've left a degree of it up to interpretation--this feels very appropriate. But at the same time, I can tell you're hitting the word cap, here. The entire resolution plays out in about 140 words, and it definitely feels like only 140 words. I can't help but feel that if you trimmed some fat (like human-land, or maybe the poem) you might be able to do some more work here, where it really counts.
In the end, I definitely enjoyed what I think you were trying to do, but a handful of execution choices did bother me. So even though this was one of the entries that I enjoyed reading the most this round, I also think that it's one of the entries that could benefit most from a top-down rework.
Genre: Shadow Boxing
Thoughts: WOW was the beginning rough. I’m totally on-board with the potential value of an opening accent poem and dropping in in media res, but I got pretty significant whiplash from trying to figure out who was talking and what was going on.
Similarly, I felt like the end got really jumbled with Starlight’s very brief mention of Sunburst, and then having Sunset and Twilight run in. It’s a lot of new elements and moving parts to drop in right as you’re delivering the core emotional moment & message of the fic. Like I was with it up through “—won't fix a thing,” but it got muddled afterwards.
Here’s the thing, though: the story has some really good bits in the middle. I like Starlight’s internal struggle about facing Tempest given what happened during the invasion & its impact on Trixie. There’s a wonderful bit of character exploration that happens by having Starlight literally want to beat the crap out of Tempest for what she’s done. It delivers a proper balance of MLP friendshippy-lessony stuff and a visceral reaction to trauma to show Starlight’s head going here. And couching it in a lesson given by Sunset is even better. Tempest’s point is true and gets delivered well as well.
Tier: Keep Developing
Thoughts: WOW was the beginning rough. I’m totally on-board with the potential value of an opening accent poem and dropping in in media res, but I got pretty significant whiplash from trying to figure out who was talking and what was going on.
Similarly, I felt like the end got really jumbled with Starlight’s very brief mention of Sunburst, and then having Sunset and Twilight run in. It’s a lot of new elements and moving parts to drop in right as you’re delivering the core emotional moment & message of the fic. Like I was with it up through “—won't fix a thing,” but it got muddled afterwards.
Here’s the thing, though: the story has some really good bits in the middle. I like Starlight’s internal struggle about facing Tempest given what happened during the invasion & its impact on Trixie. There’s a wonderful bit of character exploration that happens by having Starlight literally want to beat the crap out of Tempest for what she’s done. It delivers a proper balance of MLP friendshippy-lessony stuff and a visceral reaction to trauma to show Starlight’s head going here. And couching it in a lesson given by Sunset is even better. Tempest’s point is true and gets delivered well as well.
Tier: Keep Developing
I'm not saying that Starlight doesn't have a good reason to beat the crap out of Tempest, but her stated motivation seems very, very thin to me. I'm pretty sure she's just using the pretense of a friendship lesson as an excuse to beat the crap out of Tempest, in an environment where Tempest would be naturally handicapped.
On that note, I don't buy that Tempest could naturally adjust to the dimensions and use of her human body as quickly as the story indicates; it took Twilight and Starlight a while just to get properly coordinated, and neither of them seem to have fully mastered the human body. She is badly handicapped; Starlight may as well have challenged a paraplegic to a tap-dancing competition.
Who am I supposed to root for here?
Following up what >>Miller Minus and >>CoffeeMinion have already said, I don't think there's a resolution here, either. There's the beginning of some common ground being found, but no concrete direction for these characters to take from there. Tempest poses a question that Starlight never gets to answer, or even reflect upon, because Sunset and Twilight come along to steal the limelight. Nobody's arc comes to a close, and for all we know, Starlight's still going to find an excuse to kick the shit out of--
Wait, why didn't they just stay in the pony world and kickbox? Is Starlight just a more proficient fighter in a human body? Then she comes across as even douchier, because she's more proficient in this form that Tempest has literally zero experience--
I'm going off topic. My thoughts are no longer focusing. I'm just going to make one last observation and leave it at that: I do not like the embedded hyperlink. I like multimodality, but consider the way the reader's taking in the information here. They're going to click the link (their first instinct upon seeing a hyperlink is to click the link before finishing the paragraph), open a new tab, see a picture from the movie that provides them a frame of reference for what you're talking about, and then return to this page to pick up where they left off. It disrupts the flow of the story.
And it's a clumsy way of integrating exposition, besides. If your audience has seen the film, then you can assume they know that Tempest had two friends whom she accidentally alienated (if they hadn't, then they can infer based on context). It's a little patronizing to assume that they need to be shown who you're talking about.
On that note, I don't buy that Tempest could naturally adjust to the dimensions and use of her human body as quickly as the story indicates; it took Twilight and Starlight a while just to get properly coordinated, and neither of them seem to have fully mastered the human body. She is badly handicapped; Starlight may as well have challenged a paraplegic to a tap-dancing competition.
Who am I supposed to root for here?
Following up what >>Miller Minus and >>CoffeeMinion have already said, I don't think there's a resolution here, either. There's the beginning of some common ground being found, but no concrete direction for these characters to take from there. Tempest poses a question that Starlight never gets to answer, or even reflect upon, because Sunset and Twilight come along to steal the limelight. Nobody's arc comes to a close, and for all we know, Starlight's still going to find an excuse to kick the shit out of--
Wait, why didn't they just stay in the pony world and kickbox? Is Starlight just a more proficient fighter in a human body? Then she comes across as even douchier, because she's more proficient in this form that Tempest has literally zero experience--
I'm going off topic. My thoughts are no longer focusing. I'm just going to make one last observation and leave it at that: I do not like the embedded hyperlink. I like multimodality, but consider the way the reader's taking in the information here. They're going to click the link (their first instinct upon seeing a hyperlink is to click the link before finishing the paragraph), open a new tab, see a picture from the movie that provides them a frame of reference for what you're talking about, and then return to this page to pick up where they left off. It disrupts the flow of the story.
And it's a clumsy way of integrating exposition, besides. If your audience has seen the film, then you can assume they know that Tempest had two friends whom she accidentally alienated (if they hadn't, then they can infer based on context). It's a little patronizing to assume that they need to be shown who you're talking about.