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In Spirit Golden
“I must admit,” Solar Swirl said, the deliberate lightness of his tone coiling like a springtrap, “I find myself curious as to why a young pegasus mare whose name and mark imply textile work knows about confidential research that I have spent decades working on,” he paused, eyes narrowing, “And, for that matter, why she cares.”
If the beautiful mare across from him was intimidated, she did not show it. Her unnaturally white coat gleamed in the lamplight, unmarred by the dirt and dust of the world outside. Her slight smile never wavered. “I did my research.” Above the disarming smile, her sharp green eyes were hard as flint.
“That does not explain,” he said coolly, “why you care about bond magic.”
Gossamer Loom gestured at the parchment lying between them. “We know that the emotional bonds between sapient beings have power. We know that because this country was founded on it, scarcely over a century ago. And yet we haven’t the slightest clue how it works, how to control it.”
His frown tightened. “I am aware—”
“You worked alone,” she interrupted, “This is about bonds, emotional investment is needed. Nopony else had that. But I do.”
He leaned forward. “You still haven’t answered me. Why do you care?”
Silence. The lamplight flickered.
“...I have never understood other ponies,” she spoke at last. “I understand what drives them. I just don’t understand why.” For the first time, her smile vanished. “It’s… frustrating. I can mold ponies however I please with a well-timed word or glance, but I cannot grasp how they connect. It’s unpredictable. Unknowable.” Her eyes bored into him. “I want to know. This ritual will let me. I just need you to cast it.” She slid the parchment across the table.
Solar Swirl contemplated it for a moment, before wordlessly lifting it in his magic, bringing it into the light. After a minute, he set it back down again.
“The ritual is… sound.” He eyed her.
Her smile was all teeth. “I did my research.”
He glanced down again, then gave a sharp nod. “You have yourself a deal.”
Solar Swirl looked out upon the array that might help him complete his life’s work, unlock secrets his vaunted predecessor never could. He breathed deep, lit his horn, and cast.
Instantly, Gossamer stiffened, eyes staring up and out into the darkness.
“Oh,” she said softly.
“What?” he asked urgently, “What do you see?”
“It’s beautiful,” she said distantly. Her lip curled.
“Show me!” he demanded, eyes darting around—and suddenly he could see. He barely noticed as the air left his lungs.
All around them, stretching through the air and on into the horizon, glowing threads of golden light filled the sky and dropped down towards the earth. The small town, dark and empty a moment ago, was lit up even brighter than the heavens. Ropes threaded from house to house, and in each dwelling a shimmering ball of light—he looked down. His body shone.
“Oh Elysium,” he whispered, the long-forgotten feeling of reverence stirring in his chest. “It’s beautiful.”
“Yes,” he turned, blinking in surprise. He’d almost forgotten about his companion, but there she stood; barely visible through the golden glow, surrounded by glowing thread. “It really is, isn’t it.”
And then she reached out a hoof to one of the threads, and pulled.
He blinked, gaping, as with a firm tug the golden light went taut—and then snapped.
“W-what are you doing!?” he cried out, leaping towards her—but fell back as he hit the still active array. He watched in disbelief, and then horror, as one by one the golden threads connected to her vanished—and the shining light of her soul grew dimmer and smaller. Finally, the last thread dissipated, and Gossamer stood alone.
The self-inflicted damage had not been kind to her. Her unnatural beauty was gone, wispy turquoise hair turned a stringy green, alabaster coat a dull grey. And yet he could see her face, in the dull light of her broken soul.
She looked happy.
“Why?” he whispered, legs rooted in place.
She smiled. “I can understand it now. I can control it. And I want no part of it.” And with a terrible wrench, she pulled the light from her soul.
The world twisted around her, and Solar Swirl collapsed.
Dimly, he saw Gossamer approach—she looked withered, pockmarked and burnt, fur gone and skin black. Her smile was all teeth. Her face lowered to his own, and he knew no more.
If the beautiful mare across from him was intimidated, she did not show it. Her unnaturally white coat gleamed in the lamplight, unmarred by the dirt and dust of the world outside. Her slight smile never wavered. “I did my research.” Above the disarming smile, her sharp green eyes were hard as flint.
“That does not explain,” he said coolly, “why you care about bond magic.”
Gossamer Loom gestured at the parchment lying between them. “We know that the emotional bonds between sapient beings have power. We know that because this country was founded on it, scarcely over a century ago. And yet we haven’t the slightest clue how it works, how to control it.”
His frown tightened. “I am aware—”
“You worked alone,” she interrupted, “This is about bonds, emotional investment is needed. Nopony else had that. But I do.”
He leaned forward. “You still haven’t answered me. Why do you care?”
Silence. The lamplight flickered.
“...I have never understood other ponies,” she spoke at last. “I understand what drives them. I just don’t understand why.” For the first time, her smile vanished. “It’s… frustrating. I can mold ponies however I please with a well-timed word or glance, but I cannot grasp how they connect. It’s unpredictable. Unknowable.” Her eyes bored into him. “I want to know. This ritual will let me. I just need you to cast it.” She slid the parchment across the table.
Solar Swirl contemplated it for a moment, before wordlessly lifting it in his magic, bringing it into the light. After a minute, he set it back down again.
“The ritual is… sound.” He eyed her.
Her smile was all teeth. “I did my research.”
He glanced down again, then gave a sharp nod. “You have yourself a deal.”
Solar Swirl looked out upon the array that might help him complete his life’s work, unlock secrets his vaunted predecessor never could. He breathed deep, lit his horn, and cast.
Instantly, Gossamer stiffened, eyes staring up and out into the darkness.
“Oh,” she said softly.
“What?” he asked urgently, “What do you see?”
“It’s beautiful,” she said distantly. Her lip curled.
“Show me!” he demanded, eyes darting around—and suddenly he could see. He barely noticed as the air left his lungs.
All around them, stretching through the air and on into the horizon, glowing threads of golden light filled the sky and dropped down towards the earth. The small town, dark and empty a moment ago, was lit up even brighter than the heavens. Ropes threaded from house to house, and in each dwelling a shimmering ball of light—he looked down. His body shone.
“Oh Elysium,” he whispered, the long-forgotten feeling of reverence stirring in his chest. “It’s beautiful.”
“Yes,” he turned, blinking in surprise. He’d almost forgotten about his companion, but there she stood; barely visible through the golden glow, surrounded by glowing thread. “It really is, isn’t it.”
And then she reached out a hoof to one of the threads, and pulled.
He blinked, gaping, as with a firm tug the golden light went taut—and then snapped.
“W-what are you doing!?” he cried out, leaping towards her—but fell back as he hit the still active array. He watched in disbelief, and then horror, as one by one the golden threads connected to her vanished—and the shining light of her soul grew dimmer and smaller. Finally, the last thread dissipated, and Gossamer stood alone.
The self-inflicted damage had not been kind to her. Her unnatural beauty was gone, wispy turquoise hair turned a stringy green, alabaster coat a dull grey. And yet he could see her face, in the dull light of her broken soul.
She looked happy.
“Why?” he whispered, legs rooted in place.
She smiled. “I can understand it now. I can control it. And I want no part of it.” And with a terrible wrench, she pulled the light from her soul.
The world twisted around her, and Solar Swirl collapsed.
Dimly, he saw Gossamer approach—she looked withered, pockmarked and burnt, fur gone and skin black. Her smile was all teeth. Her face lowered to his own, and he knew no more.
Pics
That's certainly a unique take on the 'brightly' part of the prompt! Not a bad entry, nice and eerie.
I really like the premise here, with the unexpected origin story and all. This executes its last line twist really well, and especially liked the repetition describing her smile. Gossamer herself is also really interesting, with the whole semi-psychopathy thing going on.
One thing that's a bit of a nitpick (and may speak much more to my ability as a reader than yours as a writer) is the fact that I somehow read every instance of "Solar Swirl" as "Star Swirl", until I started my 2nd read-through. It surprised me how easily my eye kind of skipped over the familiar-looking name alliteration, to the point that I actually Ctrl-F'd the story for "Star" just to try to figure out where I went wrong. Now, I'm not saying you should change your protagonist's name just because one doofus somehow managed to misread it five or six times--I'm just offering my reading experience as a data point.
Something that I think might be a little more than a nitpick is the way this story handles its information reveals. The first scene comes off a little like a "As you already know..." speech from both characters, until the paragraph where Gossamer talks about her psychopathy. I can tell you're straining against the wordcount to get all of your ideas in there, and I appreciate the volume of info you're trying to convey (about the characters, setting, mood, and set-up for the magic bits in scene two). But I still can't help but feel that you may have taken the path of least resistance a time or two too many. In the end, the scene is serviceable, but definitely not quite as engrossing as it could have been.
My suggestion would be to focus on making your information dumps feel less like information dumps. It helps a lot when there's some kind of immediate concern or question presented to the reader as a kind of distraction, so I suggest doing something like heightening Solar Swirl's initial distrust of Gossamer, and making that seem like the driving conflict of the story. This'll help the complicated ideas in the first scene go down a bit easier, and would heighten the emotional stakes of the twist in the second scene.
One thing that's a bit of a nitpick (and may speak much more to my ability as a reader than yours as a writer) is the fact that I somehow read every instance of "Solar Swirl" as "Star Swirl", until I started my 2nd read-through. It surprised me how easily my eye kind of skipped over the familiar-looking name alliteration, to the point that I actually Ctrl-F'd the story for "Star" just to try to figure out where I went wrong. Now, I'm not saying you should change your protagonist's name just because one doofus somehow managed to misread it five or six times--I'm just offering my reading experience as a data point.
Something that I think might be a little more than a nitpick is the way this story handles its information reveals. The first scene comes off a little like a "As you already know..." speech from both characters, until the paragraph where Gossamer talks about her psychopathy. I can tell you're straining against the wordcount to get all of your ideas in there, and I appreciate the volume of info you're trying to convey (about the characters, setting, mood, and set-up for the magic bits in scene two). But I still can't help but feel that you may have taken the path of least resistance a time or two too many. In the end, the scene is serviceable, but definitely not quite as engrossing as it could have been.
My suggestion would be to focus on making your information dumps feel less like information dumps. It helps a lot when there's some kind of immediate concern or question presented to the reader as a kind of distraction, so I suggest doing something like heightening Solar Swirl's initial distrust of Gossamer, and making that seem like the driving conflict of the story. This'll help the complicated ideas in the first scene go down a bit easier, and would heighten the emotional stakes of the twist in the second scene.
Also known as: On the Origin of Changelings
Running impressions:
“Solar Swirl”, eh? Any relation?
Punchy early characterization and dialogue, and the argument between the main characters flows well. Loving the driving home that yes, this is very much a friendship-magic-based universe and that affects how everything works.
That sympathetic motivation near the end of the first section… is she really… I'm holding my breath here.
What kind of array is it? (Is this the mirror part? A mirror array? That'd be neat, but it could just as well be explicit.)
That's just how Solar Swirl would act based on his attitude earlier, with the surface arrogance and curtness tempered by a true love of magic and underlying deeply prosocial affinities. And the part where this is the first thing that's made him feel reverence in a long time is great exposition of how momentous this is.
Oh sugarcubes, that's what the textile mark was for.
What is she doing? Okay, so ambiguously sympathetic motivation from earlier gets resolved into a—
Hair and coat and oh my god.
And the true sociopathy, the casualness of it and the unflinching decision to
!!!
Overall: It tastes like a thunderous church organ piece with chromatic counterpoint in cunning cadences, author. Or like a deep, sparklingly bitter, lightly intoxicating juice with the scent of grapefruit and blood. Were I the appropriate one of the main characters, and had I the abilities she has in certain canons, I would devour you to take your ability to write like this. Amazing. Slate: 1st of 13.
Running impressions:
“Solar Swirl”, eh? Any relation?
Punchy early characterization and dialogue, and the argument between the main characters flows well. Loving the driving home that yes, this is very much a friendship-magic-based universe and that affects how everything works.
That sympathetic motivation near the end of the first section… is she really… I'm holding my breath here.
What kind of array is it? (Is this the mirror part? A mirror array? That'd be neat, but it could just as well be explicit.)
That's just how Solar Swirl would act based on his attitude earlier, with the surface arrogance and curtness tempered by a true love of magic and underlying deeply prosocial affinities. And the part where this is the first thing that's made him feel reverence in a long time is great exposition of how momentous this is.
Oh sugarcubes, that's what the textile mark was for.
What is she doing? Okay, so ambiguously sympathetic motivation from earlier gets resolved into a—
Hair and coat and oh my god.
And the true sociopathy, the casualness of it and the unflinching decision to
!!!
Overall: It tastes like a thunderous church organ piece with chromatic counterpoint in cunning cadences, author. Or like a deep, sparklingly bitter, lightly intoxicating juice with the scent of grapefruit and blood. Were I the appropriate one of the main characters, and had I the abilities she has in certain canons, I would devour you to take your ability to write like this. Amazing. Slate: 1st of 13.
Genre: Origin Story
Thoughts: I kinda wondered from the first mention of green eyes if this was going to be a Chrysalis origin. I’m okay with that, and I like what the story did with her.
I think my biggest beef here is with some fridge logic around Solar Swirl. I don’t feel like the story presents a motivation for him going along with Gossamer’s request. She exhibits several behaviors that might telegraph untrustworthiness, including an explicit statement that she wants to gain the power to control the kind of magic that he’s researched. And I’m left wondering why he’d freely give her that power without any kind of compensation or assurances about her intentions for it.
Otherwise, though, this is pretty great. It’s clean from a technical perspective. It wins style points for diving right in with its first line and holding the action firmly out to the last line. And it probably makes the right choice by using its limited wordcount to focus on Gossamer from inside of Solar’s head—that strikes me as not just a choice to help preserve the reveal, but to make the most of the space.
Tier: Strong
Thoughts: I kinda wondered from the first mention of green eyes if this was going to be a Chrysalis origin. I’m okay with that, and I like what the story did with her.
I think my biggest beef here is with some fridge logic around Solar Swirl. I don’t feel like the story presents a motivation for him going along with Gossamer’s request. She exhibits several behaviors that might telegraph untrustworthiness, including an explicit statement that she wants to gain the power to control the kind of magic that he’s researched. And I’m left wondering why he’d freely give her that power without any kind of compensation or assurances about her intentions for it.
Otherwise, though, this is pretty great. It’s clean from a technical perspective. It wins style points for diving right in with its first line and holding the action firmly out to the last line. And it probably makes the right choice by using its limited wordcount to focus on Gossamer from inside of Solar’s head—that strikes me as not just a choice to help preserve the reveal, but to make the most of the space.
Tier: Strong
Stories like this, with lots of potential radiating from the core idea, oft run afoul of the time restraints of an event like this one. You didn't finish or couldn't revise or failed to reread. I am going to assume that happened. If that's the case, don't read any further.
This line is says precisely what I want to say to you as the author. I understand that Gos has a power not unlike Luna's in the Tantabus episode and that she is like some godlike powerplant of the soul. What I don't get is the message you are trying to impart or why I should feel more than detached horror that she basically killed the pony nation. I sense a metaphor, but not its intention.
What caused you the most issues is the totally emotionally-flat writing. Everypony spoke mechanically. Even Gos, in her relief from maintaining the connections should have cried or raged or even moaned. Think of Lord Tirek when he eats alicorn magic. The characters demonstratively didn't care, so I couldn't care. Tell not show.
The choice of no stock characters or MLP situations was fatal. This could have been a mainstream fantasy, though Sturgeon or Bradbury would have found something to kick the reader in the ass.
There was no sense of place to relate to. It wasn't even Equestria based on the 100 year reference in the story. Except for the energy strands and Gos's green eyes, I saw nothing. No houses, trees, grass, ponies... nothing. I didn't even smell horse sweat or the ozone of a spell cast, or have a sour taste when the horror revealed itself. Did he sweat, was it hot or cold when the world ended? Was there a crackle or buzz in the treads? Enough said.
I sense you could do better. Next MLP event, go with a stock or at least background character. Don't make your work so hard.
“That does not explain,” he said coolly, “why you care about bond magic.”
This line is says precisely what I want to say to you as the author. I understand that Gos has a power not unlike Luna's in the Tantabus episode and that she is like some godlike powerplant of the soul. What I don't get is the message you are trying to impart or why I should feel more than detached horror that she basically killed the pony nation. I sense a metaphor, but not its intention.
What caused you the most issues is the totally emotionally-flat writing. Everypony spoke mechanically. Even Gos, in her relief from maintaining the connections should have cried or raged or even moaned. Think of Lord Tirek when he eats alicorn magic. The characters demonstratively didn't care, so I couldn't care. Tell not show.
The choice of no stock characters or MLP situations was fatal. This could have been a mainstream fantasy, though Sturgeon or Bradbury would have found something to kick the reader in the ass.
There was no sense of place to relate to. It wasn't even Equestria based on the 100 year reference in the story. Except for the energy strands and Gos's green eyes, I saw nothing. No houses, trees, grass, ponies... nothing. I didn't even smell horse sweat or the ozone of a spell cast, or have a sour taste when the horror revealed itself. Did he sweat, was it hot or cold when the world ended? Was there a crackle or buzz in the treads? Enough said.
I sense you could do better. Next MLP event, go with a stock or at least background character. Don't make your work so hard.
This is another strong entry. I sense it has a bit of the same problem as I mentioned in another story, where the enjoyment is partly sacrificed for the sake of the twist. It's not a huge deal in this instance, since it's mostly just confusion that we experience when approaching the final reveal. Mainly, confusion as to how the story fits into the universe, and why this story matters in the grand scheme of Equestria, but that's something that with more expansion could be easily filled in, even without changing much of what's above. An added scene with just Solar Swirl so we understand his goals, a little background as to what led Gossamer down this path (that way we like her even before we realize we know her), that kinda stuff.
One thing that might help us understand what 's going on is what "bond" magic is. I got the impression that this was a scientific meeting, so I was thinking about covalent bonds. Just a nitpick, I know that friendships are a "bond" as well, but I recommend revising a touch, just to make sure nobody makes a mistake like that.
My only other real complaint is that Gossamer isn't reminiscent of who she becomes, except for attitude. Unless she has some connection with bugs—oh, threads. Like in a coccoon. Okay... *ahem*.
Carry on.
Now, I've never reviewed other reviews before, but I've also never come across a comment that I've disagreed with on so many levels before. So... here we go.
Hi, >>scifipony. I'm a little confused.
Putting aside the fact that you haven't noticed the twist—that's fine, because it's good for the author to know—your review feels like it's for a different story, and there were a couple things you said that flew in the face of everything I've learned as an author.
I'm curious how you came to this conclusion. I can see the "emotionally flat" impression by the amount of adverbs and narrative italics that the author uses, and their drive to mention every little action and facial expression in the scene, but the dialogue is what you didn't like? To me, it was one of the strongest parts of the story. Every line felt carefully designed, fresh, and the discussion gave us a window into the characters' intentions (SS's fridge logic aside). But okay, that's a personal experience thing, so whatever, the author can review that on their own time.
Clearly there was something that held you back from enjoying the story. That's fine, but I implore you to try and dig deeper than this complaint, because it's kind of odd. The author explained, in great detail: The threads, the glowing orbs, the houses, the links attached to Gossamer that she severs, how she looks before and after her transformation, etc. The author chose to describe these things because they were what mattered to the story. The thermostat setting? Not so much.
Plus, while describing senses can be handy, you talk about them as if they're items on a list that the author must check off in order to have written a Good Story(TM). It's mechanical, unspecific advice. What would the smell of horse sweat add to the scene, anyways? Did the threads not making a sound really damage your reading that much?
A pinch of condescension before the big finish:
This is honestly the main reason why I'm writing this response. That final piece of advice, applied in this context, and in this setting, is madness. Taking on challenges is how you grow as an author; it's how you develop your craft. Telling the author to avoid hard work and just stick with what they know is the same as telling them to stagnate. And who knows what the author's goal is? If it's to improve their writing to a degree that they feel comfortable to start submitting their work to magazines and editors, then attempting original characters is fundamental to achieving that goal.
Alright, that's enough outta me. Thanks for writing this story, Author! I expect it to do well.
Bye!
One thing that might help us understand what 's going on is what "bond" magic is. I got the impression that this was a scientific meeting, so I was thinking about covalent bonds. Just a nitpick, I know that friendships are a "bond" as well, but I recommend revising a touch, just to make sure nobody makes a mistake like that.
My only other real complaint is that Gossamer isn't reminiscent of who she becomes, except for attitude. Unless she has some connection with bugs—oh, threads. Like in a coccoon. Okay... *ahem*.
Carry on.
Now, I've never reviewed other reviews before, but I've also never come across a comment that I've disagreed with on so many levels before. So... here we go.
Hi, >>scifipony. I'm a little confused.
Putting aside the fact that you haven't noticed the twist—that's fine, because it's good for the author to know—your review feels like it's for a different story, and there were a couple things you said that flew in the face of everything I've learned as an author.
What caused you the most issues is the totally emotionally-flat writing. Everypony spoke mechanically.
I'm curious how you came to this conclusion. I can see the "emotionally flat" impression by the amount of adverbs and narrative italics that the author uses, and their drive to mention every little action and facial expression in the scene, but the dialogue is what you didn't like? To me, it was one of the strongest parts of the story. Every line felt carefully designed, fresh, and the discussion gave us a window into the characters' intentions (SS's fridge logic aside). But okay, that's a personal experience thing, so whatever, the author can review that on their own time.
Except for the energy strands and Gos's green eyes, I saw nothing. No houses, trees, grass, ponies... nothing. I didn't even smell horse sweat or the ozone of a spell cast, or have a sour taste when the horror revealed itself. Did he sweat, was it hot or cold when the world ended? Was there a crackle or buzz in the treads? Enough said.
Clearly there was something that held you back from enjoying the story. That's fine, but I implore you to try and dig deeper than this complaint, because it's kind of odd. The author explained, in great detail: The threads, the glowing orbs, the houses, the links attached to Gossamer that she severs, how she looks before and after her transformation, etc. The author chose to describe these things because they were what mattered to the story. The thermostat setting? Not so much.
Plus, while describing senses can be handy, you talk about them as if they're items on a list that the author must check off in order to have written a Good Story(TM). It's mechanical, unspecific advice. What would the smell of horse sweat add to the scene, anyways? Did the threads not making a sound really damage your reading that much?
I sense you could do better.
A pinch of condescension before the big finish:
Next MLP event, go with a stock or at least background character. Don't make your work so hard.
This is honestly the main reason why I'm writing this response. That final piece of advice, applied in this context, and in this setting, is madness. Taking on challenges is how you grow as an author; it's how you develop your craft. Telling the author to avoid hard work and just stick with what they know is the same as telling them to stagnate. And who knows what the author's goal is? If it's to improve their writing to a degree that they feel comfortable to start submitting their work to magazines and editors, then attempting original characters is fundamental to achieving that goal.
Alright, that's enough outta me. Thanks for writing this story, Author! I expect it to do well.
Bye!
My reviews are starting to lose coherence; I'll tackle this one and one more. They'll be short. Sorry for that.
This one: Really good. Highly evocative, creepy origin story. I'm not too sold on the protag's motivation; "I don't understand other ponies" seems a little too thin for what it is she's looking for, what she's after. "I'm know I'm hot, but I want to know why they think I'm hot."
It... doesn't do much for me.
But the action, the story being told, is great. Marvelous, even. Um. The body horror aspect is... weird to me? I guess underneath every pony, there's a bug-horse waiting to happen. But then, Chryssi's not just a charbroiled pony; she's like... an actual other species. Are we overlooking the big gossamer wings that her ponysona draws her name from?
Ugh, not too important to the story you're trying to tell, I'm sure.
Overall, it's good. I think it might get edged out at the top of my ballot, but it's holding pretty steady up there regardless.
This one: Really good. Highly evocative, creepy origin story. I'm not too sold on the protag's motivation; "I don't understand other ponies" seems a little too thin for what it is she's looking for, what she's after. "I'm know I'm hot, but I want to know why they think I'm hot."
It... doesn't do much for me.
But the action, the story being told, is great. Marvelous, even. Um. The body horror aspect is... weird to me? I guess underneath every pony, there's a bug-horse waiting to happen. But then, Chryssi's not just a charbroiled pony; she's like... an actual other species. Are we overlooking the big gossamer wings that her ponysona draws her name from?
Ugh, not too important to the story you're trying to tell, I'm sure.
Overall, it's good. I think it might get edged out at the top of my ballot, but it's holding pretty steady up there regardless.
Aaaand here come the retrospectives. I'm lazy, so rather than pre-writing them all I'm just going to respond comment by comment in chronological order, and post them as I go. First up: >>Bachiavellian (Congrats again on winning!)
Much appreciated! The premise stems from an idea I had back in 2013 I think? So practically forever ago. I'd completely forgotten about it, but the prompt both jogged my memory and made me flesh it out beyond "Chrysalis becomes a bug thing willingly". The smile line was one of the last things I wrote, but I'm pretty chuffed someone pointed it out because it's one of my fave lines. As for Gossamer herself, I found her personality pretty naturally flowing from "who would willingly become a soul-eating bug demon thing?". There are surprisingly few kinds of people like that, haha.
In retrospect, I probably should have ditched Solar Swirl for the writeoff version. Not his character - but his name and specific backstory, which I attempted to cram into one line about his 'vaunted predecessor'. I still like my idea for him, but I can definitely do a lot more with him outside of a 750 word limit. Given this is a FiM fic, I probably should have foreseen the name causing a bit of confusion.
You are 100% correct about me straining against the wordcount. The start of this story was originally past the half way mark. I had to chop the opening 200 words or so three separate times as I was writing, and as it came down to the wire I was definitely having to make a few brutal editorial cuts. Perhaps, as you pointed out, a bit too brutal. Something for me to keep in mind for the next writeoff! Thanks for pointing this out.
This is excellent advice, and as I try and rework this for Fimfiction, I will be coming back to this quote. Thanks again!
I really like the premise here, with the unexpected origin story and all. This executes its last line twist really well, and especially liked the repetition describing her smile. Gossamer herself is also really interesting, with the whole semi-psychopathy thing going on.
Much appreciated! The premise stems from an idea I had back in 2013 I think? So practically forever ago. I'd completely forgotten about it, but the prompt both jogged my memory and made me flesh it out beyond "Chrysalis becomes a bug thing willingly". The smile line was one of the last things I wrote, but I'm pretty chuffed someone pointed it out because it's one of my fave lines. As for Gossamer herself, I found her personality pretty naturally flowing from "who would willingly become a soul-eating bug demon thing?". There are surprisingly few kinds of people like that, haha.
One thing that's a bit of a nitpick (and may speak much more to my ability as a reader than yours as a writer) is the fact that I somehow read every instance of "Solar Swirl" as "Star Swirl", until I started my 2nd read-through. It surprised me how easily my eye kind of skipped over the familiar-looking name alliteration, to the point that I actually Ctrl-F'd the story for "Star" just to try to figure out where I went wrong. Now, I'm not saying you should change your protagonist's name just because one doofus somehow managed to misread it five or six times--I'm just offering my reading experience as a data point.
In retrospect, I probably should have ditched Solar Swirl for the writeoff version. Not his character - but his name and specific backstory, which I attempted to cram into one line about his 'vaunted predecessor'. I still like my idea for him, but I can definitely do a lot more with him outside of a 750 word limit. Given this is a FiM fic, I probably should have foreseen the name causing a bit of confusion.
Something that I think might be a little more than a nitpick is the way this story handles its information reveals. The first scene comes off a little like a "As you already know..." speech from both characters, until the paragraph where Gossamer talks about her psychopathy. I can tell you're straining against the wordcount to get all of your ideas in there, and I appreciate the volume of info you're trying to convey (about the characters, setting, mood, and set-up for the magic bits in scene two). But I still can't help but feel that you may have taken the path of least resistance a time or two too many. In the end, the scene is serviceable, but definitely not quite as engrossing as it could have been.
You are 100% correct about me straining against the wordcount. The start of this story was originally past the half way mark. I had to chop the opening 200 words or so three separate times as I was writing, and as it came down to the wire I was definitely having to make a few brutal editorial cuts. Perhaps, as you pointed out, a bit too brutal. Something for me to keep in mind for the next writeoff! Thanks for pointing this out.
My suggestion would be to focus on making your information dumps feel less like information dumps. It helps a lot when there's some kind of immediate concern or question presented to the reader as a kind of distraction, so I suggest doing something like heightening Solar Swirl's initial distrust of Gossamer, and making that seem like the driving conflict of the story. This'll help the complicated ideas in the first scene go down a bit easier, and would heighten the emotional stakes of the twist in the second scene.
This is excellent advice, and as I try and rework this for Fimfiction, I will be coming back to this quote. Thanks again!
Next up: >>Light_Striker
Man, I live for these kind of comments. :D
Alternatively: A Beginner's Guide to Becoming a Bugpony
Yep! Gonna expand on that in the revamped Fimfic edition.
The dialogue was tricky - hard to strike that balance between short and punchy, and just not having enough content. Good to know it worked! Also great to know I blended the part about 'bond magic' in well too.
*Jaws theme starts to play in the background*
I had in mind the stereotypical anime-esque magic circle, but I wish I'd thought of a mirror array. That would have worked so well!
Given I haven't done OC's before, and Gossamer was more working back from ol' Cheeselegs than creating someone wholesale, it's fantastic to hear I got all this across. Thanks a lot.
Again, something I'll expand on a little, but yes - seeing the threads, and all that implies.
:D
I am blown away by this response. I'm pretty sure I squealed a little when I first read this, and if I was publishing this would be front and centre as the back cover review. In fact I'm pretty sure I'm going to put this in the Fimfic description. Thank you so much!
Man, I live for these kind of comments. :D
Also known as: On the Origin of Changelings
Alternatively: A Beginner's Guide to Becoming a Bugpony
“Solar Swirl”, eh? Any relation?
Yep! Gonna expand on that in the revamped Fimfic edition.
Punchy early characterization and dialogue, and the argument between the main characters flows well. Loving the driving home that yes, this is very much a friendship-magic-based universe and that affects how everything works.
The dialogue was tricky - hard to strike that balance between short and punchy, and just not having enough content. Good to know it worked! Also great to know I blended the part about 'bond magic' in well too.
That sympathetic motivation near the end of the first section… is she really… I'm holding my breath here.
*Jaws theme starts to play in the background*
What kind of array is it? (Is this the mirror part? A mirror array? That'd be neat, but it could just as well be explicit.)
I had in mind the stereotypical anime-esque magic circle, but I wish I'd thought of a mirror array. That would have worked so well!
That's just how Solar Swirl would act based on his attitude earlier, with the surface arrogance and curtness tempered by a true love of magic and underlying deeply prosocial affinities. And the part where this is the first thing that's made him feel reverence in a long time is great exposition of how momentous this is.
Given I haven't done OC's before, and Gossamer was more working back from ol' Cheeselegs than creating someone wholesale, it's fantastic to hear I got all this across. Thanks a lot.
Oh sugarcubes, that's what the textile mark was for.
Again, something I'll expand on a little, but yes - seeing the threads, and all that implies.
What is she doing? Okay, so ambiguously sympathetic motivation from earlier gets resolved into a—
Hair and coat and oh my god.
And the true sociopathy, the casualness of it and the unflinching decision to
!!!
:D
Overall: It tastes like a thunderous church organ piece with chromatic counterpoint in cunning cadences, author. Or like a deep, sparklingly bitter, lightly intoxicating juice with the scent of grapefruit and blood. Were I the appropriate one of the main characters, and had I the abilities she has in certain canons, I would devour you to take your ability to write like this. Amazing. Slate: 1st of 13.
I am blown away by this response. I'm pretty sure I squealed a little when I first read this, and if I was publishing this would be front and centre as the back cover review. In fact I'm pretty sure I'm going to put this in the Fimfic description. Thank you so much!
And now:>>CoffeeMinion
As much as I tried to keep people guessing, I did have to leave breadcrumbs to make it seem believable. Glad you liked it too!
This, right here? One of the biggest things I need to work on for this. You're absolutely right that Solar Swirl is just that little bit too trusting. Part of that was the wordcount limit; I was definitely pushing at the boundaries there. But 'I didn't have enough space' only goes so far as an excuse, and I'd be lying if I said I would have completely compensated for this even with more space. Thanks for pointing this out.
Everything you've mentioned here was indeed a deliberate choice, so it's good to hear that you thought they were the right ones! I had to cut quite a bit of material from this, and that first line was initially about halfway through and not half as punchy. When I had to find a later place to start from, it felt like a strong way to begin. And I originally had some of it kinda from Gossamer's perspective, but yeah, much more efficient to write from Solar's.
Thanks for the comment, especially the criticism.
I kinda wondered from the first mention of green eyes if this was going to be a Chrysalis origin. I’m okay with that, and I like what the story did with her.
As much as I tried to keep people guessing, I did have to leave breadcrumbs to make it seem believable. Glad you liked it too!
I think my biggest beef here is with some fridge logic around Solar Swirl. I don’t feel like the story presents a motivation for him going along with Gossamer’s request. She exhibits several behaviors that might telegraph untrustworthiness, including an explicit statement that she wants to gain the power to control the kind of magic that he’s researched. And I’m left wondering why he’d freely give her that power without any kind of compensation or assurances about her intentions for it.
This, right here? One of the biggest things I need to work on for this. You're absolutely right that Solar Swirl is just that little bit too trusting. Part of that was the wordcount limit; I was definitely pushing at the boundaries there. But 'I didn't have enough space' only goes so far as an excuse, and I'd be lying if I said I would have completely compensated for this even with more space. Thanks for pointing this out.
Otherwise, though, this is pretty great. It’s clean from a technical perspective. It wins style points for diving right in with its first line and holding the action firmly out to the last line. And it probably makes the right choice by using its limited wordcount to focus on Gossamer from inside of Solar’s head—that strikes me as not just a choice to help preserve the reveal, but to make the most of the space.
Everything you've mentioned here was indeed a deliberate choice, so it's good to hear that you thought they were the right ones! I had to cut quite a bit of material from this, and that first line was initially about halfway through and not half as punchy. When I had to find a later place to start from, it felt like a strong way to begin. And I originally had some of it kinda from Gossamer's perspective, but yeah, much more efficient to write from Solar's.
Thanks for the comment, especially the criticism.
>>scifipony
Alright. I'm going to go through yours bit by bit like with everyone else, but I am going to draw a little bit on what >>Miller Minus said below as well. This is only because he makes a few of the points I want to make better than I probably could.
While this story was bursting out the seams a little with all the content I wanted to add, what I submitted was very much what I intended to submit, so let's keep going.
So first off: it's pretty clear that you missed the fact that Gossamer Loom is, in fact, a pre-bugpony version of Chrysalis. That's the main 'point' of the story, so to speak. Now, I could have made this clearer, but I thought making it more explicit might detract a little from the impact. I'll have another look at it as I rework this for Fimfiction, but I suspect I won't change it that much, it seems to have worked for the majority of people.
Gos doesn't actually have any spectacular power in this either, and she is certainly no powerplant of the soul. What I was trying to convey is that the spell Solar and she used was able to make the energy of bond AKA friendship/love magic a visible and tangible thing. The glowing threads are the bonds that ponies share with each other, which feed and sustain the souls of ponies. Gos broke all her bonds, which (this being the FiM verse) had a marked physical impact on her, and finally tore out her very soul, turning her into Ms. Cheeselegs. I'll also say here that I tried to imply that this is why she and the other changelings need to take love - she has no soul or bonds of her own anymore, and must take them from others for power/to survive. This was very, very loosely implied however, honestly more in my head than in the text.
Leading on from this: there is no message, no metaphor. It's an origin story which I thought reflected the prompt in an entertainingly creepy way.
One thing that I don't seem to have made clear is that Gos' soul is not brighter than anyone elses - it's just the only one (other than his own) close enough for Solar to see. Thank you for (slightly inadvertently) pointing that out.
You might be right about the emotionally flat writing. I found myself wringing my hands a little during the final stages of cutting this down to writeoff size, worrying that loosing this or that word would drain the atmosphere of the piece. It's something I'm going to be reviewing as I rework this.
But I do have to disagree, as Miller does, about the dialogue. I think what you said at the end there sums up our difference best: I tried to show emotion through their little actions, a tightened frown here, a curled lip there. Telling the audience that a character did x or y is not, in my opinion, always necessary.
I do think some of your criticism here is valid, and can be put down to word limit. I think I just had different priorities in what I cut than you would have.
Again, not just stock characters. But yes, there were parts that were a little generic; once more, word limit. The last time I tried to write a 3000 word piece it ended up closer to 11,000. Suffice to say, I'm not great at limiting myself, it's not really my style, so this was actually quite a challenge for me. It's part of why I enjoyed doing it so much - the strictures of the writeoff force to me to make narrative and editing choices I would not normally make, forces me out of my comfort zone a bit. It's good practice as a writer. I hate to keep saying this, but I really think you'll find the enhanced version much more your cup of tea. A lot of the world-building elements, even just basic descriptions of the setting, were left on the cutting room floor for this one.
As I mentioned above, in terms of setting you're probably right. The specific place that this was happening felt like one of the things that could be cut to make the story fit.
The stuff later in this paragraph though... Well, I have to again refer to what Miller said. I focused on describing what I thought was important to the narrative, to the story I was trying to tell. I didn't think a description of the wind playing through Solar's coat as he waited for the end was a worthwhile use of my very limited wordcount here. You evidently disagree, which is fine. Again, I think you'd prefer the expanded edition.
This...
This is why I was a little apprehensive to write this retrospective. And, honestly, the main reason I said I'd be referencing Miller's own response to you.
I appreciate the sentiment that you think I can do better, I really do. In a way, it's one of the best things to hear as a writer: if someone tells you that they think something is okay but about the limit of your abilities, it's a lot worse than hearing something was meh, but you have potential.
And it's not necessarily bad to tell me to go with a canon or canon-ish character next time. Going full OC, which is what you evidently thought I'd done, is a pretty difficult thing to pull off in 750 words, while still maintaining that FiM flavour. I didn't get the impression you were criticising the decision to use any OCs, which I'd have more of a problem with.
But I have to fundamentally disagree with the second part of your advice here. Most of the reason I joined the writeoff was to take on challenges, to improve my writing in a setting that wasn't my strength, or at least not my comfort zone. And I do not, and cannot, believe that shying away from those challenges, especially in this context, is a bad thing. Miller also articulated this, much better than I did, but I felt I needed to say it anyway.
This whole response has probably felt pretty harsh, but I really do appreciate you commenting at all. You didn't need to, and while I don't think I agree with all of it, you constructed criticism when you had no obligation to do so. Thank you.
Alright. I'm going to go through yours bit by bit like with everyone else, but I am going to draw a little bit on what >>Miller Minus said below as well. This is only because he makes a few of the points I want to make better than I probably could.
Stories like this, with lots of potential radiating from the core idea, oft run afoul of the time restraints of an event like this one. You didn't finish or couldn't revise or failed to reread. I am going to assume that happened. If that's the case, don't read any further.
While this story was bursting out the seams a little with all the content I wanted to add, what I submitted was very much what I intended to submit, so let's keep going.
“That does not explain,” he said coolly, “why you care about bond magic.”
This line is says precisely what I want to say to you as the author. I understand that Gos has a power not unlike Luna's in the Tantabus episode and that she is like some godlike powerplant of the soul. What I don't get is the message you are trying to impart or why I should feel more than detached horror that she basically killed the pony nation. I sense a metaphor, but not its intention.
So first off: it's pretty clear that you missed the fact that Gossamer Loom is, in fact, a pre-bugpony version of Chrysalis. That's the main 'point' of the story, so to speak. Now, I could have made this clearer, but I thought making it more explicit might detract a little from the impact. I'll have another look at it as I rework this for Fimfiction, but I suspect I won't change it that much, it seems to have worked for the majority of people.
Gos doesn't actually have any spectacular power in this either, and she is certainly no powerplant of the soul. What I was trying to convey is that the spell Solar and she used was able to make the energy of bond AKA friendship/love magic a visible and tangible thing. The glowing threads are the bonds that ponies share with each other, which feed and sustain the souls of ponies. Gos broke all her bonds, which (this being the FiM verse) had a marked physical impact on her, and finally tore out her very soul, turning her into Ms. Cheeselegs. I'll also say here that I tried to imply that this is why she and the other changelings need to take love - she has no soul or bonds of her own anymore, and must take them from others for power/to survive. This was very, very loosely implied however, honestly more in my head than in the text.
Leading on from this: there is no message, no metaphor. It's an origin story which I thought reflected the prompt in an entertainingly creepy way.
One thing that I don't seem to have made clear is that Gos' soul is not brighter than anyone elses - it's just the only one (other than his own) close enough for Solar to see. Thank you for (slightly inadvertently) pointing that out.
What caused you the most issues is the totally emotionally-flat writing. Everypony spoke mechanically. Even Gos, in her relief from maintaining the connections should have cried or raged or even moaned. Think of Lord Tirek when he eats alicorn magic. The characters demonstratively didn't care, so I couldn't care. Tell not show.
You might be right about the emotionally flat writing. I found myself wringing my hands a little during the final stages of cutting this down to writeoff size, worrying that loosing this or that word would drain the atmosphere of the piece. It's something I'm going to be reviewing as I rework this.
But I do have to disagree, as Miller does, about the dialogue. I think what you said at the end there sums up our difference best: I tried to show emotion through their little actions, a tightened frown here, a curled lip there. Telling the audience that a character did x or y is not, in my opinion, always necessary.
I do think some of your criticism here is valid, and can be put down to word limit. I think I just had different priorities in what I cut than you would have.
The choice of no stock characters or MLP situations was fatal. This could have been a mainstream fantasy, though Sturgeon or Bradbury would have found something to kick the reader in the ass.
Again, not just stock characters. But yes, there were parts that were a little generic; once more, word limit. The last time I tried to write a 3000 word piece it ended up closer to 11,000. Suffice to say, I'm not great at limiting myself, it's not really my style, so this was actually quite a challenge for me. It's part of why I enjoyed doing it so much - the strictures of the writeoff force to me to make narrative and editing choices I would not normally make, forces me out of my comfort zone a bit. It's good practice as a writer. I hate to keep saying this, but I really think you'll find the enhanced version much more your cup of tea. A lot of the world-building elements, even just basic descriptions of the setting, were left on the cutting room floor for this one.
There was no sense of place to relate to. It wasn't even Equestria based on the 100 year reference in the story. Except for the energy strands and Gos's green eyes, I saw nothing. No houses, trees, grass, ponies... nothing. I didn't even smell horse sweat or the ozone of a spell cast, or have a sour taste when the horror revealed itself. Did he sweat, was it hot or cold when the world ended? Was there a crackle or buzz in the treads? Enough said.
As I mentioned above, in terms of setting you're probably right. The specific place that this was happening felt like one of the things that could be cut to make the story fit.
The stuff later in this paragraph though... Well, I have to again refer to what Miller said. I focused on describing what I thought was important to the narrative, to the story I was trying to tell. I didn't think a description of the wind playing through Solar's coat as he waited for the end was a worthwhile use of my very limited wordcount here. You evidently disagree, which is fine. Again, I think you'd prefer the expanded edition.
I sense you could do better. Next MLP event, go with a stock or at least background character. Don't make your work so hard.
This...
This is why I was a little apprehensive to write this retrospective. And, honestly, the main reason I said I'd be referencing Miller's own response to you.
I appreciate the sentiment that you think I can do better, I really do. In a way, it's one of the best things to hear as a writer: if someone tells you that they think something is okay but about the limit of your abilities, it's a lot worse than hearing something was meh, but you have potential.
And it's not necessarily bad to tell me to go with a canon or canon-ish character next time. Going full OC, which is what you evidently thought I'd done, is a pretty difficult thing to pull off in 750 words, while still maintaining that FiM flavour. I didn't get the impression you were criticising the decision to use any OCs, which I'd have more of a problem with.
But I have to fundamentally disagree with the second part of your advice here. Most of the reason I joined the writeoff was to take on challenges, to improve my writing in a setting that wasn't my strength, or at least not my comfort zone. And I do not, and cannot, believe that shying away from those challenges, especially in this context, is a bad thing. Miller also articulated this, much better than I did, but I felt I needed to say it anyway.
This whole response has probably felt pretty harsh, but I really do appreciate you commenting at all. You didn't need to, and while I don't think I agree with all of it, you constructed criticism when you had no obligation to do so. Thank you.
And now, it's time for retrospective number five: the >>Miller Minus-Senpai Noticed Me Edition. :p
First off, glad you thought so! As for the criticism...
Um. Yeah. I don't have a huge amount to add here - you're totally right. I did have to sacrifice some content to maintain the reveal, and I definitely had to cut some stuff that would have made things a tad clearer. Expansion is very much on the table, and I'm already planning how I'll add in those Solar Swirl and Gossamer scenes.
A couple of people have touched on this, but you're the first to really highlight it, and I think you're right too. Other than the vague allusion to the founders, I didn't really explain this at all. Need to come up with a way to explain it naturally: I specifically envisioned bond magic as the more technical umbrella term for the study of both friendship and emotional (love, hate, etc.) magic, just so you know.
You obviously picked up on what I meant to connect them, but I'll take a look at maybe adding a few more threads (badum tsh!).
Now, the rest of your comment is mostly a response to scifipony's, which I've already addressed somewhat in his retrospective. There were one or two things I wanted to address though:
Ack! Yeah, you've got a point (as I mentioned to scifipony too). I reaaally abused italics in this, and I definitely was throwing my all into 'show don't tell' via description of every movement the characters make. Something to be tweaked.
First off, thanks! Secondly though, what are you referring to when you mention SS's fridge logic? Anything specific?
Anyways, thanks for the comment Miller!
This is another strong entry. I sense it has a bit of the same problem as I mentioned in another story, where the enjoyment is partly sacrificed for the sake of the twist. It's not a huge deal in this instance, since it's mostly just confusion that we experience when approaching the final reveal. Mainly, confusion as to how the story fits into the universe, and why this story matters in the grand scheme of Equestria, but that's something that with more expansion could be easily filled in, even without changing much of what's above. An added scene with just Solar Swirl so we understand his goals, a little background as to what led Gossamer down this path (that way we like her even before we realize we know her), that kinda stuff.
First off, glad you thought so! As for the criticism...
Um. Yeah. I don't have a huge amount to add here - you're totally right. I did have to sacrifice some content to maintain the reveal, and I definitely had to cut some stuff that would have made things a tad clearer. Expansion is very much on the table, and I'm already planning how I'll add in those Solar Swirl and Gossamer scenes.
One thing that might help us understand what 's going on is what "bond" magic is. I got the impression that this was a scientific meeting, so I was thinking about covalent bonds. Just a nitpick, I know that friendships are a "bond" as well, but I recommend revising a touch, just to make sure nobody makes a mistake like that.
A couple of people have touched on this, but you're the first to really highlight it, and I think you're right too. Other than the vague allusion to the founders, I didn't really explain this at all. Need to come up with a way to explain it naturally: I specifically envisioned bond magic as the more technical umbrella term for the study of both friendship and emotional (love, hate, etc.) magic, just so you know.
My only other real complaint is that Gossamer isn't reminiscent of who she becomes, except for attitude. Unless she has some connection with bugs—oh, threads. Like in a coccoon. Okay... *ahem*.
Carry on.
You obviously picked up on what I meant to connect them, but I'll take a look at maybe adding a few more threads (badum tsh!).
Now, the rest of your comment is mostly a response to scifipony's, which I've already addressed somewhat in his retrospective. There were one or two things I wanted to address though:
I can see the "emotionally flat" impression by the amount of adverbs and narrative italics that the author uses, and their drive to mention every little action and facial expression in the scene
Ack! Yeah, you've got a point (as I mentioned to scifipony too). I reaaally abused italics in this, and I definitely was throwing my all into 'show don't tell' via description of every movement the characters make. Something to be tweaked.
Every line felt carefully designed, fresh, and the discussion gave us a window into the characters' intentions (SS's fridge logic aside)
First off, thanks! Secondly though, what are you referring to when you mention SS's fridge logic? Anything specific?
Anyways, thanks for the comment Miller!
Last but certainly not least: >>Posh
The siren call of sleep is a strong one - no offense taken whatsoever. Thanks for commenting at all!
Well, I'm glad you thought so highly of it! I don't think I've actually seen much of you on Fimfic, but I absolutely loved Half A Pair Short, so this feels like high praise indeed, even if you didn't actually like it that much. Speaking of, that's completely fair. Sometimes a story just doesn't work for you.
As for Gossamer's motivation: I was trying to convey that she is somewhat psychopathic, and that this affected her ability to understand emotions and why ponies are so affected by them. I didn't really have much space to work with in conveying this though, and I can see why it might have fallen short. I'll work on that for the expanded version.
Again, thanks! And yep, the implication is that Chryssie is a normal pony who got anti-friendshipped, and that technically anypony could do the same. They'd just have to get access to a ritual that died with Solar Swirl in order to physically affect their bonds and soul.
Um... Don't think about it too hard? Eheh.
More seriously, this is the universe where ponies can change species by being good enough at the special talent that gives them a magic butt tattoo. And where friendship is quite literally magic, capable of blasting ancient moon demons and chaos gods alike. I don't think it's that much of stretch for the lack of it to give Chryssie fluttery wings and a horn. An anti-alicorn ascension, as it were.
Thanks again! I appreciate the feedback.
My reviews are starting to lose coherence; I'll tackle this one and one more. They'll be short. Sorry for that.
The siren call of sleep is a strong one - no offense taken whatsoever. Thanks for commenting at all!
This one: Really good. Highly evocative, creepy origin story. I'm not too sold on the protag's motivation; "I don't understand other ponies" seems a little too thin for what it is she's looking for, what she's after. "I'm know I'm hot, but I want to know why they think I'm hot."
It... doesn't do much for me.
Well, I'm glad you thought so highly of it! I don't think I've actually seen much of you on Fimfic, but I absolutely loved Half A Pair Short, so this feels like high praise indeed, even if you didn't actually like it that much. Speaking of, that's completely fair. Sometimes a story just doesn't work for you.
As for Gossamer's motivation: I was trying to convey that she is somewhat psychopathic, and that this affected her ability to understand emotions and why ponies are so affected by them. I didn't really have much space to work with in conveying this though, and I can see why it might have fallen short. I'll work on that for the expanded version.
But the action, the story being told, is great. Marvelous, even. Um. The body horror aspect is... weird to me? I guess underneath every pony, there's a bug-horse waiting to happen.
Again, thanks! And yep, the implication is that Chryssie is a normal pony who got anti-friendshipped, and that technically anypony could do the same. They'd just have to get access to a ritual that died with Solar Swirl in order to physically affect their bonds and soul.
But then, Chryssi's not just a charbroiled pony; she's like... an actual other species. Are we overlooking the big gossamer wings that her ponysona draws her name from?
Ugh, not too important to the story you're trying to tell, I'm sure.
Um... Don't think about it too hard? Eheh.
More seriously, this is the universe where ponies can change species by being good enough at the special talent that gives them a magic butt tattoo. And where friendship is quite literally magic, capable of blasting ancient moon demons and chaos gods alike. I don't think it's that much of stretch for the lack of it to give Chryssie fluttery wings and a horn. An anti-alicorn ascension, as it were.
Overall, it's good. I think it might get edged out at the top of my ballot, but it's holding pretty steady up there regardless.
Thanks again! I appreciate the feedback.