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The Forever Friend
"Wow, this place is neato! So shiny and blue and echo-y. Echo!"
"Not another one."
"Oh, hello!"
"Who are you?"
"Hi, I'm Pinkie Pie! Who are you?"
"You mean you don't know?"
"Huh. No offense, but that's a strange name."
"No, I... How can you not know who I am? How did you come to be here without that most basic of information?"
"I dunno. I was just testing smiles in the mirror. I didn't know smiles were so amazing until yesterday. They really are! I just found out my special talent is making ponies smile, and that's amazing too. Soon I'm gonna leave the farm and spread smiles to all—!"
"Yes, yes, fascinating. Again, how did you get here? I don't see a horn."
"Well, I don't see a horn either! Or legs. Or eyes. Or a mouth. Hey, how are you talking without a mouth?"
"You can't tell me you got into my realm on accident."
"Oh. Okay, I won't. I think I'm gonna call you Blue, because this place is blue. Like, sunny skies blue. Hey, Blue, let's be friends!"
"I... You... What?"
"You know, friends. I don't have any. There's nopony on the farm to make friends with. Except my parents and sisters. But I want friends outside of family, and you're the first pony I've met who isn't in my family, which makes you my first friend! And now I've gotta throw a New Best Friend Party. Do you know how to throw one of those? I've never tried before."
"I am not a pony! And I don't make friends. We are not friends. If you didn't come here to abuse my realm and powers, then I suggest you leave."
"Oh. Are you sure?"
"Yes."
"O-okay. Well, um, it was nice meeting you, Blue. I'm sorry you don't want to be my friend."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"Um, Blue? I don't know how to get out."
"Oh, for the love of Harmony. Just do the same thing you did to get here in reverse!"
"B-but I don't know how I got here. You don't have to yell."
"..."
"..."
"You're just a child, aren't you?"
"I, um, just got my cutie mark. Wanna see?"
"I can see it fine. I don't understand how a foal, and an earth pony no less, could get into my realm on accident."
"I don't understand why you don't want friends. I'll leave you alone if you want me to, though."
"No one ever comes here to be friends with me."
"Really? That's terrible. Are you sure you don't want to be friends?"
"I am sure that no one wants to be my friend."
"I do."
"You just want me to help you get out of here. Well, here, go that way."
"Hey, that's neat! It's like a big window or something, only all sparkly and stuff. Except, um, that's not my house."
"I'm not inclined to care."
"How will I get home if that's not home? Come on, Blue, please?"
"Ugh, fine! Try this one."
"Oh, I know that place. I can get home from there. Thanks, Blue!"
"..."
"..."
"You're not leaving."
"You didn't say 'You're welcome.'"
"Seriously?"
"And I don't think I want to leave yet."
"Yes, you do!"
"Nu-uh."
"Yes!"
"Nu-uh."
"Yes-huh."
"Nu-uh."
"Yes—What am I doing?"
"Being silly. You sure you don't want a friend?"
"..."
"Could I come back later?"
"Why?"
"This place feels lonely. I don't want you to be lonely. And I'd like you to be my friend."
"..."
"Blue?"
"I don't understand. Do you have any idea what I am?"
"Does that matter?"
"..."
"I'm sorry all the other ponies who visited you were mean and didn't want to be your friend. Do you wanna talk about it?"
"No."
"Okay, then. Do you have a face?"
"What?"
"If you have a face, then I could see if you're smiling. If you're smiling, then I guess it's okay for me to leave. Are you smiling, Blue?"
"..."
"I hope you're smiling."
"I don't remember how."
"Wow. I remember what that's like."
"You... do?"
"You could always come with me."
"No, I can't leave this place. That is my curse."
"Then can I come back? Please?"
"..."
"With whip cream on top?"
"I suppose a future visit wouldn't hurt."
"Yay! Thanks, Blue! I'd hug but I can't see you, so I'll just hug the air here and pretend I'm hugging you. See you later, new best friend!"
"..."
"..."
"A friend, huh?"
"Not another one."
"Oh, hello!"
"Who are you?"
"Hi, I'm Pinkie Pie! Who are you?"
"You mean you don't know?"
"Huh. No offense, but that's a strange name."
"No, I... How can you not know who I am? How did you come to be here without that most basic of information?"
"I dunno. I was just testing smiles in the mirror. I didn't know smiles were so amazing until yesterday. They really are! I just found out my special talent is making ponies smile, and that's amazing too. Soon I'm gonna leave the farm and spread smiles to all—!"
"Yes, yes, fascinating. Again, how did you get here? I don't see a horn."
"Well, I don't see a horn either! Or legs. Or eyes. Or a mouth. Hey, how are you talking without a mouth?"
"You can't tell me you got into my realm on accident."
"Oh. Okay, I won't. I think I'm gonna call you Blue, because this place is blue. Like, sunny skies blue. Hey, Blue, let's be friends!"
"I... You... What?"
"You know, friends. I don't have any. There's nopony on the farm to make friends with. Except my parents and sisters. But I want friends outside of family, and you're the first pony I've met who isn't in my family, which makes you my first friend! And now I've gotta throw a New Best Friend Party. Do you know how to throw one of those? I've never tried before."
"I am not a pony! And I don't make friends. We are not friends. If you didn't come here to abuse my realm and powers, then I suggest you leave."
"Oh. Are you sure?"
"Yes."
"O-okay. Well, um, it was nice meeting you, Blue. I'm sorry you don't want to be my friend."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"Um, Blue? I don't know how to get out."
"Oh, for the love of Harmony. Just do the same thing you did to get here in reverse!"
"B-but I don't know how I got here. You don't have to yell."
"..."
"..."
"You're just a child, aren't you?"
"I, um, just got my cutie mark. Wanna see?"
"I can see it fine. I don't understand how a foal, and an earth pony no less, could get into my realm on accident."
"I don't understand why you don't want friends. I'll leave you alone if you want me to, though."
"No one ever comes here to be friends with me."
"Really? That's terrible. Are you sure you don't want to be friends?"
"I am sure that no one wants to be my friend."
"I do."
"You just want me to help you get out of here. Well, here, go that way."
"Hey, that's neat! It's like a big window or something, only all sparkly and stuff. Except, um, that's not my house."
"I'm not inclined to care."
"How will I get home if that's not home? Come on, Blue, please?"
"Ugh, fine! Try this one."
"Oh, I know that place. I can get home from there. Thanks, Blue!"
"..."
"..."
"You're not leaving."
"You didn't say 'You're welcome.'"
"Seriously?"
"And I don't think I want to leave yet."
"Yes, you do!"
"Nu-uh."
"Yes!"
"Nu-uh."
"Yes-huh."
"Nu-uh."
"Yes—What am I doing?"
"Being silly. You sure you don't want a friend?"
"..."
"Could I come back later?"
"Why?"
"This place feels lonely. I don't want you to be lonely. And I'd like you to be my friend."
"..."
"Blue?"
"I don't understand. Do you have any idea what I am?"
"Does that matter?"
"..."
"I'm sorry all the other ponies who visited you were mean and didn't want to be your friend. Do you wanna talk about it?"
"No."
"Okay, then. Do you have a face?"
"What?"
"If you have a face, then I could see if you're smiling. If you're smiling, then I guess it's okay for me to leave. Are you smiling, Blue?"
"..."
"I hope you're smiling."
"I don't remember how."
"Wow. I remember what that's like."
"You... do?"
"You could always come with me."
"No, I can't leave this place. That is my curse."
"Then can I come back? Please?"
"..."
"With whip cream on top?"
"I suppose a future visit wouldn't hurt."
"Yay! Thanks, Blue! I'd hug but I can't see you, so I'll just hug the air here and pretend I'm hugging you. See you later, new best friend!"
"..."
"..."
"A friend, huh?"
Pinkie Pie and dialogue only fics are a tried and tested formula, and it works here too. I like the ambigousness of who, exactly, Pinkie is speaking to, and her dialogue feels like it could have come from a (good) show script. Good job!
I am going to have to detract from my main man >>Meridian_Prime here 'cause I had no idea what was going on.
I mean, it's talking heads, and I could go on about how it's not very immersive, yadda yadda, so on and so forth, but I've decided I'm not going to harp on that anymore because it's not like it's ever an accident. I don't like it, but let's talk about the story instead.
So what happened in this story? There is an abstract concept being applied here, and there's the story of Pinkie making her first ever friend. I don't know if we're supposed to know who Blue is, and since I don't know him, I can't really say anything about the abstract stuff. The friend-making aspect of the story is nicer, and the conclusion did feel earned with the whole "I remember what not being able to smile feels like" approach. But it would have been a lot stronger if I knew the first thing about Blue.
Sorry, Author, if this comes off harsh. I think your first step is letting us know more about who Blue is. Abstract mysteries are really tough in fiction, especially when the answers we're looking for aren't there for us to grab hold of. Plus, when writing about a relationship, we need to know who both parties are.
But still, you did a good thing submitting, and I hope I've been helpful. Good luck in the contest!
I mean, it's talking heads, and I could go on about how it's not very immersive, yadda yadda, so on and so forth, but I've decided I'm not going to harp on that anymore because it's not like it's ever an accident. I don't like it, but let's talk about the story instead.
So what happened in this story? There is an abstract concept being applied here, and there's the story of Pinkie making her first ever friend. I don't know if we're supposed to know who Blue is, and since I don't know him, I can't really say anything about the abstract stuff. The friend-making aspect of the story is nicer, and the conclusion did feel earned with the whole "I remember what not being able to smile feels like" approach. But it would have been a lot stronger if I knew the first thing about Blue.
Sorry, Author, if this comes off harsh. I think your first step is letting us know more about who Blue is. Abstract mysteries are really tough in fiction, especially when the answers we're looking for aren't there for us to grab hold of. Plus, when writing about a relationship, we need to know who both parties are.
But still, you did a good thing submitting, and I hope I've been helpful. Good luck in the contest!
Also known as: Where's Blue's Clues?
Running impressions:
So the talking heads with no direct dialogue attribution actually works great here. Nitpick: disappointed that there's no textual echo of the echo in the first line. :-P
Good Pinkie voicing! Good revelation of this being young Pinkie.
She doesn't see a horn, or legs, or eyes, or a mouth… does she see anything else? Should I be imagining a strange body with none of those things, or more of an incorporeal space? I was leaning toward the latter until that line, and I think my leaning is confirmed later… yeah, looks like it. Leaving that ambiguous is probably okay.
“I am not a pony”, but still uses “for the love of Harmony” as an intensifier? Huh.
Even the “…” beats work pretty well.
The big problem here is I still have no idea at the end of the story who Blue is, and it seems like it's supposed to be someone specific, with the whole evil-magic shtick going on.
Overall: It's got a nice arc, it's got good voicing, and the minimalism works for me. But who the heck is Blue? I wanted to like it, but that was glaring, and I can't quite get past it. It might work if it were clearer on the meta-level that it's meant to be ambiguous, or it might work if there's enough more textual clues that it's easier to puzzle out who the mysterious interlocutor is. As it is, that part leaves me way hanging. Slate: 11th of 13 (though to be honest I was pretty unsure about how to rank this one and I'm not certain that's fair).
Running impressions:
So the talking heads with no direct dialogue attribution actually works great here. Nitpick: disappointed that there's no textual echo of the echo in the first line. :-P
Good Pinkie voicing! Good revelation of this being young Pinkie.
She doesn't see a horn, or legs, or eyes, or a mouth… does she see anything else? Should I be imagining a strange body with none of those things, or more of an incorporeal space? I was leaning toward the latter until that line, and I think my leaning is confirmed later… yeah, looks like it. Leaving that ambiguous is probably okay.
“I am not a pony”, but still uses “for the love of Harmony” as an intensifier? Huh.
Even the “…” beats work pretty well.
The big problem here is I still have no idea at the end of the story who Blue is, and it seems like it's supposed to be someone specific, with the whole evil-magic shtick going on.
Overall: It's got a nice arc, it's got good voicing, and the minimalism works for me. But who the heck is Blue? I wanted to like it, but that was glaring, and I can't quite get past it. It might work if it were clearer on the meta-level that it's meant to be ambiguous, or it might work if there's enough more textual clues that it's easier to puzzle out who the mysterious interlocutor is. As it is, that part leaves me way hanging. Slate: 11th of 13 (though to be honest I was pretty unsure about how to rank this one and I'm not certain that's fair).
Well, bam! I am speechless! Luckily, I'm writing.
I'd say, off-hand, that you aced this prompt, both the mirror and the "brightly" part. Your choice of Pinkie works perfectly for her history and for her distinctive voice, the latter especially because it allows you to utilize a very spare and sparse prose style that lacks attribution or decoration. The latter works into the story because she's in a cursed mirror so we don't and shouldn't see. The former, her voice, never leaves me (a reader) unsure who's speaking. Altogether, it maximizes the way-too-few words available to tell a story, and you do. You tell a uniquely Pinkie Pie story that could possibly only work with her. And you use her history to make your little story emotionally affective and kind while deeply exploring character.
I can't think of one thing I think is obviously wrong, nor can I think of anything to do to improve the story, though frankly, a little more time would probably marginally improve the dialog as the point of this type of writing is to rush. Perhaps, the use of the HR tag instead of three ellipsis lines might have netted you a dozen more words, but that's a stretch.
Overall, fabulous. I will point out that you may never be able to use this style again, because where else would it apply, but it demonstrates your capabilities. Good work.
I'd say, off-hand, that you aced this prompt, both the mirror and the "brightly" part. Your choice of Pinkie works perfectly for her history and for her distinctive voice, the latter especially because it allows you to utilize a very spare and sparse prose style that lacks attribution or decoration. The latter works into the story because she's in a cursed mirror so we don't and shouldn't see. The former, her voice, never leaves me (a reader) unsure who's speaking. Altogether, it maximizes the way-too-few words available to tell a story, and you do. You tell a uniquely Pinkie Pie story that could possibly only work with her. And you use her history to make your little story emotionally affective and kind while deeply exploring character.
I can't think of one thing I think is obviously wrong, nor can I think of anything to do to improve the story, though frankly, a little more time would probably marginally improve the dialog as the point of this type of writing is to rush. Perhaps, the use of the HR tag instead of three ellipsis lines might have netted you a dozen more words, but that's a stretch.
Overall, fabulous. I will point out that you may never be able to use this style again, because where else would it apply, but it demonstrates your capabilities. Good work.
guys, it's. It's Filly Pinkie meeting Nightmare Moon while she's still sealed away.
So I get the premise, and I understand the story well enough. I don't especially care for the format, however. Credit where it's due, you manage to keep the characters distinct enough that's I didn't really feel lost when reading it, but telling a story that relies, to some degree, on action, and using exclusively dialogue to do so, seems self-defeating.
Its placement in the series timeline and lore is iffy, too, but I'm willing to cut you some slack on that'll.
Overall, an interesting experiment, but I'm not sure it's entirely successful.
So I get the premise, and I understand the story well enough. I don't especially care for the format, however. Credit where it's due, you manage to keep the characters distinct enough that's I didn't really feel lost when reading it, but telling a story that relies, to some degree, on action, and using exclusively dialogue to do so, seems self-defeating.
Its placement in the series timeline and lore is iffy, too, but I'm willing to cut you some slack on that'll.
Overall, an interesting experiment, but I'm not sure it's entirely successful.
>>Posh
But… “I am not a pony!”? And why would the blue be “sunny skies blue”?
I considered that as the thesis, but I didn't think it held up to the text. Maybe I'm wrong though.
But… “I am not a pony!”? And why would the blue be “sunny skies blue”?
I considered that as the thesis, but I didn't think it held up to the text. Maybe I'm wrong though.
Genre: Max Headroom
Thoughts: Talking heads is another high-risk design choice for a story. It economizes word count by keeping the focus purely on the characters’ dialogue, but it also requires everything to come across through that dialogue. The only exceptions are things like the verbal pauses that this story uses, which again don’t chew up any words, but which can’t convey any other details either.
In this case, I think the story comes close to being effective even though it’s rendered in a more challenging format. It does a good job of portraying Pinkie’s character in the wake of a pivotal moment of her personal development. It also does a good job of building tension around whether she’ll be able to escape wherever she’s ended up. I think it also does a fair job of conveying enough detail about the setting to start to build a mental picture.
However, I still find myself uncertain who this mysterious entity is, and what the full meaning and implications of Pinkie befriending it might be. With respect to >>Posh-Chan, I think it can’t be Nightmare Moon because it explicitly states that it’s not a pony. Without that knowledge, the story hamstrings some of the impact that it could’ve had. I also feel that the pauses were a bit obtrusive, and really would’ve been more effective if rendered through showing Pinkie’s (and the entity’s) body language (if applicable).
Still, it’s not a “miss.” It’s actually one of the better such stories that I’ve encountered. And I think it has more potential that could be unlocked by adding a nominal amount of narration beyond just the dialogue.
Tier: Almost There
Thoughts: Talking heads is another high-risk design choice for a story. It economizes word count by keeping the focus purely on the characters’ dialogue, but it also requires everything to come across through that dialogue. The only exceptions are things like the verbal pauses that this story uses, which again don’t chew up any words, but which can’t convey any other details either.
In this case, I think the story comes close to being effective even though it’s rendered in a more challenging format. It does a good job of portraying Pinkie’s character in the wake of a pivotal moment of her personal development. It also does a good job of building tension around whether she’ll be able to escape wherever she’s ended up. I think it also does a fair job of conveying enough detail about the setting to start to build a mental picture.
However, I still find myself uncertain who this mysterious entity is, and what the full meaning and implications of Pinkie befriending it might be. With respect to >>Posh-Chan, I think it can’t be Nightmare Moon because it explicitly states that it’s not a pony. Without that knowledge, the story hamstrings some of the impact that it could’ve had. I also feel that the pauses were a bit obtrusive, and really would’ve been more effective if rendered through showing Pinkie’s (and the entity’s) body language (if applicable).
Still, it’s not a “miss.” It’s actually one of the better such stories that I’ve encountered. And I think it has more potential that could be unlocked by adding a nominal amount of narration beyond just the dialogue.
Tier: Almost There
>>Meridian_Prime >>Miller Minus >>Light_Striker >>scifipony >>Posh >>CoffeeMinion
I must confess, I wrote this for only two reasons. First, to finally be able to say I entered a Writeoff again. Second, to practice my dialogue. Nope, that's it. All I wanted. And, given the general response, I think I nailed it on both counts. The fact the story didn't do so well this Writeoff is of no consequence, because everyone seems to agree that the one area I cared about did well. That being said...
This was the third idea I had when I saw the prompt, but all my ideas stemmed from one source. That source was Pinkie popping up in a mirror and saying "And you were doing so well." One must ask: how did she do that? Obviously, nobody questions Pinkie Pie. But for this story, I operated under the idea that as a filly she accidentally slipped into a 'mirror realm' where a poor, unfortunate soul (so sad, so true) was trapped but able to open portals throughout the world via mirrors, thus providing its only friend the method.
Was this vague? Absolutely, and I certainly could have done a better job of translating my intentions. Perhaps when/if I transfer this to FIMFiction I'll expand upon it a little. I fully acknowledge all the problems pointed out and am knocking myself upside the head for missing them, because they're pretty obvious.
Still, I am happy with this, because it achieved my primary goals. My thanks to those who commented and congratulations to the winners! And a good luck to the artists, too.
I must confess, I wrote this for only two reasons. First, to finally be able to say I entered a Writeoff again. Second, to practice my dialogue. Nope, that's it. All I wanted. And, given the general response, I think I nailed it on both counts. The fact the story didn't do so well this Writeoff is of no consequence, because everyone seems to agree that the one area I cared about did well. That being said...
This was the third idea I had when I saw the prompt, but all my ideas stemmed from one source. That source was Pinkie popping up in a mirror and saying "And you were doing so well." One must ask: how did she do that? Obviously, nobody questions Pinkie Pie. But for this story, I operated under the idea that as a filly she accidentally slipped into a 'mirror realm' where a poor, unfortunate soul (so sad, so true) was trapped but able to open portals throughout the world via mirrors, thus providing its only friend the method.
Was this vague? Absolutely, and I certainly could have done a better job of translating my intentions. Perhaps when/if I transfer this to FIMFiction I'll expand upon it a little. I fully acknowledge all the problems pointed out and am knocking myself upside the head for missing them, because they're pretty obvious.
Still, I am happy with this, because it achieved my primary goals. My thanks to those who commented and congratulations to the winners! And a good luck to the artists, too.