I know this isn't on the template anymore (a shame, like >>Cold in Gardez said; it might've been interesting to reread it a few more times), but I feel that I should comment on the T.S. Eliot connections a lot of others have mentioned. While I can certainly see the similarities in style, I think the author missed one important aspect of Eliot's style: the wandering mind. If you read "The Hollow Men" or "The Waste Land", there's lots of points where the narrator abruptly changes subjects, or goes off on a tangent before coming back to the original topic. This story didn't really have that: there's a pretty straightforward subject being talked about, and the poem more or less stays on it.

This isn't necessarily a bad thing (it's probably better the story focuses on something instead of going off the rails), but I just wanted to point out a small difference in the style.

I thought there was a strong idea driving this story: Twilight trying to come to terms with her relationship with Sunset, all while trying to help her find a blackmailer. The problem is that the story focuses a bit too much on the mystery than the relationship, and even the relationship isn't that interesting. It's mostly just Twilight fawning over Sunset, which is certainly cute, but not the most intriguing material. It doesn't help that the mystery itself is pretty easy to solve, and came off more as an excuse to get Sunset and Twilight together than a natural story progression. I wouldn't have minded this so much if the relationship with Twilight and Sunset picked up the slack, but as I mentioned before, it wasn't very substantial itself.

I don't know, maybe it's fine as some light shipping, but as a fully rounded story, I think it needs a little more polishing.

Genre: Best Crankiest Pony Human

Thoughts: Okay, look, how can I do anything but love this? It's got Limestone, and not just Limestone but EqG Limestone. My only wish is that this had popped up on my prelims slate so I could've gotten to it sooner. I'm telling you people, if you're ever looking for an underutilized character to write a story about, look no further.

Also, Platinum's Secret? I wonder where that came from. :trollestia: ...Which actually does a lot to reduce the possible set of finalist authors I could guess among. Don't get me wrong though, I love seeing it pop up here.

But I digress. I'm going to cut to the chase with my criticism because I'm willing to bet that the Author already knows how much I love this based on the sheer fact that they wrote it. And I'll try to keep my personal spin on the Pie family dynamics as minimal as I can in saying this.

My #1 criticism is that Cloudy is not really written as a character. As-presented, she is much more of a plot device and/or cardboard cutout. She manages to do what she needs to do to further the story, but I feel like there are brobdingnagian depths of missed potential in terms of the substance of Limestone's conflict with Cloudy. The opening scene seems like it's setting up not just the titular (hee, hee) quest but also a more drama-oriented intra-family aspect to the story, but that almost randomly gets tossed aside when the purse gets snatched. Which brings me to:

My #2 thing is that there's such a huge and overt pivot to the story when the purse gets snatched. It's like the feel and focus change entirely, and the tonal whiplash is really hard for me to get past. Suddenly we have an action story--and a good one! But dang I didn't see that coming.

Thing is, though, I think this ultimately sticks the landing. It comes close to not sticking it, hence the confusion some readers have felt. But I agree with the prevailing interpretation of what's happening there, and I think it works overall, even if it could be tuned up a little for maximum clarity.

I give this at least an 8/10. :trollestia:

Tier: Strong

>>Monokeras
This story wasn't nearly as bad as you're making it out to be. The story was solid for the most part and it was the really the transitions and the ending made people not like it so much.

And if it wasn't perfect, so what?! This is The Writeoff. Stories aren't expected to be perfect. My story was a full blown piece of shit as it's posted. It wasn't even done, not nearly! But they can get better. With a few tweaks and maybe some transition points rather than cuts I think this story would easily rise far above where it placed.

What is dead may never die, but rises again harder and stronger.

Fuck, fuck, fuck my pc. I wrote a complete retrospective, but my navigator crashed and I lost everything. Fucky this shit.
So apologies, I don't have the energy to do it all again. You'll have a shorter version.

So basically, I'm the one who committed that, and I owe an apology to the authors who had pretty much done the same in the past.
This story was suppose to emulate a French author from the 19th century, writing stories within stories, with people full of vices and happy to indulge them.

Some said the frame story was the weakest. At first, I wanted Fleur to not be disgusted by Blueblood ans his tale, but instead fascinated and even enthralled. The idea was to have women being depicted "as bad" as Blueblood in their own way. Superficial, hypocrit, and vain (be aware that this is absolutely NOT what I think of women). However, I feared that if I didn't give any character to root for to the audience, people would have been even more pissed by my entry. Also, I wanted to be more gentle with my readers for the kind of dark story I've submitted here.

Anyway, some people thought that Blueblood has raped and impregnated Sweetie Belle, willingly or by masturbating on the chair. I may not be the sanest person you could find, but I tell you guys, you are worst than me :p
The rape is symbolic. Blueblood invades Sweetie Belle's house, and if you consider that she is telling the truth when she claims she's pregnant, she hasn't been impregnated in the way you're thinking. The piano scene was a strong hint in that direction. Blueblood is compared to Satan with the very first sentence, he is a corrupter, and he is good at that that only his eyes are powerful enough to make Sweetie Belle pregant.
Now if you consider that Sweetie Belle is lying, her reason is either she is lying to try to get rid of an invader, or she has actually fallen in love with Blueblood, in her own twisted way, and lying is a mean to "steal" the Prince from her older sister.

That being said, that doesn't make Blueblood a better character. It's simply that, despite what he says, he isn't much worst than everyone else. But as I said, I chose to have Fleur reacting to Blueblood's story by being shocked and disgusted, so this idea disappeared.

Anyway, I still thank you for the time spent on your review, and on the critics you raised. I intend to polish it and submit it to FimFic, even though I don't know how many people could be interested in that kind of dark story. I also apology if you've felt uncomfortable (at best) before my entry. I'll probably never do that again.

(And fuck that fucking pc)

>>Zaid Val'Roa
>>GaPJaxie
>>MLPmatthewl419
>>Posh
>>CoffeeMinion

PS: If you want a longer explanation, find me on the Discord chat, and I'll be happy to explain everything.

>>Monokeras
Hey, man. I still greatly enjoyed it. Just get a prereader or something, and this one will go from good to great.

>>Cold in Gardez
Thank you for your confidence and kind words but the truth is... It is incomplete. I underestimated this round and let myself take some social time. As a matter of fact I wrote the last word 'warm' at 5am and frantically published it. So this wasn't the intended ending, it was the first glimmer of that ending that I could find.

I realize that the grandfather's story was a bit of an info dump, but honestly my skill is low enough that don't know how to put it in otherwise and I think the backstory is necessary. And I know that the story lacks proper conflict and that is something I'm very week with. A lot of the stories I write seem to just be a recounting of events without challenges or obstacles jumping up at the characters outside of, possibly, the main conflict. Any advice anyone has for how I could work on that would be a godsend.

>>CoffeeMinion
Oh my god, you don't know how much your comment made me laugh. Originally 'Pol' was intended to be short for 'Polaris' as a nod to her being the 'guiding light', and 'Sis' was short for 'replace with older sister's name'. For the life of me I couldn't come up with a name that fit and when I ran out of time I just left it in.

And I'm glad that the language worked for you. While writing I was worrying that I was falling into the 'character takes half an hour to cross the room' trap. Honestly, I was really worried about how many times I could say 'It's really cold' before it got tired.

>>Posh
Pol was supposed to have some insight that she couldn't possibly have had otherwise, but she did have some help and I'm surprised that no one seems to have picked up on the source. I didn't really see her as knowing who the statues were so much as knowing that they weren't always made of stone. I was trying to build a contrast between Pol and Sis. Pol was acting on faith, while Sis was resignation and practicality while desperately needing not to be left behind. In a kinda tsundere way. Maybe I needed to make their characteristics a bit more stark.

I really meant to add a lot more to this story, and I would have if not for reasons (ie. Running out of time because I was stupid). I'm pretty sure I'm gonna end up adding another 2k words to this before it's done. And as for Pol's insight? Let's just say she found those shards in a tree someplace.

>>Zaid Val'Roa
>>MLPmatthewl419
Thanks for the Comments everyone! And I hope to have this up on Fimfic as a complete story, rather than the half baked lump of dough that it is. Maybe Pinkie can help. Think it needs more yeast?

A couple general things before I get to the comments. The picture I took is terrible. I used the camera on my 10 year old Mac. So, colors and stuff got a little weird. It's also a little crooked. Furthermore, I have never been able to art. Like, I actually surprised myself with how well this turned out, considering.

>>DuskPhoenix
So here's a story for you, I did base this very heavily off of Twilight. In fact, if you look carefully, you can see the remains of the wing lines. But then I thought to myself, "Twilight is so overused." So I did a quick think, and remembered Moondancer is a recolor of Twilight. So I made her. The proportions? Well, I'll get to that with GGA.

>>Zaid Val'Roa
I wasn't really sure how to make a good fire signalling where it 1. Didn't cover the cutie mark too much, 2. Didn't cover the entire body, and 3. Could still be seen with dark-ish green on black.

>>MLPmatthewl419
I mean, I voiced my actual complaints. I realized I forgot the glasses when it was too late to do anything.

>>GroaningGreyAgony
I tried doing geometric shapes once. It failed. And then I took my artless self (I've never been able to art) and went to do other stuff. This one I just freehanded. And yeah, I'll certainly practise stuff when I have time/ motivation again.

>>Dubs_Rewatcher
Yeah... I kinda sorta based her colors on a fan drawing that didn't have them. Also, I really hate them. So my excuse is they sorta faded away like the eyes.

>>CoffeeMinion
#3? Yay! I feel so special. Now go and try to draw better than this.

>>MrExtra
I kinda like the ending, actually. Just fix some of the info dump, and you'll have a great story.

Just to resolve my own personal drama with this one: I ended up tossing this back up into my Strong tier. The Radio Writeoff discussion (and especially Quill's points about appropriating TP themes for non-TP thematic reasons) ultimately brought me back around to my original position. With that said, I think >>horizon's points about not being able to rely on properties other than MLP remain valid, and doing this kind of crossover represents a very high-risk approach to the Writeoff.

But hey man, you made it into finals, so what do any of us know? :-p

>>Orbiting_kettle You know, I just googled 'anthracite coat' and got all sorts of results for dark gray colored coats.

So it's entirely possible that it is a widely used word for the color, at least in the fashion industry. And in that sense, it would be perfectly normal for Rarity to see it as 'anthracite'. Sure, it reads weird to me, but maybe it's the sort of weird you should keep, instead of removing.

>>CoffeeMinion
I hope you know that I've already put you down as writing this story. We both know why.

>>GroaningGreyAgony
> Blind Wishes

That was terrible. I legit lol'ed. :D

>>Dubs_Rewatcher
Y'know what I think? Mr. Fraud, sir? I think, he who smelt it dealt it.

...

Er. That one kinda got away from me. Anyway, I've got my own theory but time's gonna tell.

>>Light_Striker
nanometers, son!

https://i.imgur.com/dZjevS8.png

>>horizon
I realized that I had the perfect data to work colors with, and so I had to.

Hi! So yes, this was me. The short version was me wanting to play around with another character voice who is not Pinkie Pie in Sweet and Sour.

And after being bereft of ideas - I had a few silly shipping ideas and one I may use in the future, I just said 'Fuck it', sat down, and let Luna narrate.

This is what came out. It's not so much a story, exactly, yet at the same time it is. Nonstandard narrative structure, yes, but - well, unless one contends that it is non-fictional than it must be fiction. Who knows?

>>Zaid Val'Roa
The Hasbro being the Hero we all need is an amusing concept.

>>Dubs_Rewatcher
I sort of...let whatever the character voice wanted to say get said. When it stopped going narrative, I just sorta shrugged and went with it.

>>CoffeeMinion
Thanks for this one and glad it sort of worked for you in an odd way! And yea. It's just..a thing. I don't know how to explain it! It is, and I'm content with it.

I really don't have much to say other than reiterating >>QuillScratch, though I was fond of Fluttershy's scenes. My biggest critique would be that Rainbow's fear seemed to be somewhat lackluster and that outside of pony-magic-coup-de-grace they didn't seem to be able to 'fight' the monster, in which case Rainbow just came along for moral support and as another target.

All in all though, very strong. It hooked me from the beginning and held on all the way through. GJ.

Damn! Of the two stories I entered, this is the one I thought would make the finals. Thanks @ everyone for your comments. This was a really fun writeoff round. :)

>>MLPmatthewl419

Lols were the intended effect, yes.

>>Zaid Val'Roa

Ay, Dios mío. I think I love this.

This was subjectively beautiful. I had this huge grin plastered over my face as I read and I can't even explain why. I couldn't have imagined that seeing Equestria devolve into an objectively ideallistic dystopia due to Rarity discovering Pantone® would bring me so much fun.

Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it. ^_^

The story had its fair share of issues, of course. It quickly changes into expository retelling of how Equestria has changed, and only reverts to more traditional narration once the revolution comes and goes. Even though I don't know the effects of expanding these concepts could have on the flow of the story, I'd like to see it done.

I agree. This story needs to be expanded to contain less exposition and more exploration of the concepts involved through characters. I'm thinking that's the next step. To FiMFiction!

>>Fenton

Both funny and scary. A world where everything is measurable isn't something I want to see happenning. Thankfully, we're not there yet, and will probably never be.

As for the story, I don't have much to say. It was funny enough to score some points, it has a solid structure and complete arc to add some more, but I'm afraid there isn't much to take out from it.
Still, a strong story I'll probably rank pretty high.

Thanks man! And again, yes, the story was too short for its concept. There's room to expand on this and take it further while keeping the comedic tone.

>>Cynewulf

I'm torn between my general Kierkegaardian distaste for the idea that certainty is a thing we can have and chuckling about "no gods, no masters". This was pretty enjoyable.

Ponies make the most adorable anarchists.

>>horizon

Hey there, you. I see your review! A most excellent analysis.

When the story here is on, it's on. The first scene does some lovely character work to sneak in the establishing exposition. The sequence about Applejack's denial was great, and the subdued narration on the revolution (and Black Bloc Dinky) was beautiful. My main hesitation is that, well, in the last scene I think you kind of broke your moral.

So, I did break the moral, but not in the way I think you highlighted here. The intended moral of the story is the moral expressed in the last scene -- that given a choice between free expression and doing things correctly, doing things correctly is almost always better.

The intended recurring joke is that all the characters who are outraged about being weighed and measure are outraged not because the measurements are misjudging them, but because they object to being judged. Applejack isn't mad because she's open to change and the machine has misread her, nor is she mad because she thinks change is bad -- she's mad because she objects to the idea that anypony can tell her how well she's raising her sister.

Just like ponies with terrible taste in clothes object to being told they look hideous and uncoordinated, but they do.

In short, this story was meant to be a pro-objective-measurement little aesop, but the early sections evidently didn't build that up well enough, so the last scene comes across as disjointed. This is, I think, something to fix in the final version.

I'm... sorry. I like that you've gotten a lot of positive reviews! But I've got to be the odd man out here. This story really didn't connect with me, and I see it as having a lot of structural flaws, both in the framing and in the characters.

First, the story has no conflict -- at least, not any conflict that it succeeded in making me care about. Sure, nominally the conflict is that Palette Glaze needs to realize he fell in love with the benefits of painting and not painting itself, but... frankly, so what? I'm not in love with writing C++ code, but I enjoy the benefits software brings to me and others, and I don't regret my choice of tech career. Looking for the results and not the thing itself isn't inherently bad. There are people who would feel differently of course, but the story needs to establish why this character feels differently so that we understand why it's a big deal to him, and I just don't see that here.

Second, Du Hoc. Put bluntly, he's an ass. Yes, Palette Glaze learns his lesson over the course of the story, but when he says, "What do you think you know about me?" he's not unjustified. At that point, they've known each other for all of a few hours, and Du Hoc is already presuming to know everything about him. Maybe Du Hoc is some great font of profound personal insight, but if so, the story doesn't establish that in a way that Palette Glaze or I as the reader can find meaningful. We're told he's wise, and later he turns out to be right, so that justifies it -- but if I were in Palette Glaze's place, I'd be feeling just as much anger and resentment at the presumption as he did.

Third, the entire lesson essentially happens off screen. He chats with a mare, he has a few drinks in a bar, he laughs, and... suddenly he has some big life revelation? Why? That needs to be explained, and the story really gives us nothing to work with here. Yes, it's warm, and yes, it's fuzzy, and yes we can be glad he learned how to have friends, but we only know that because we've read that story before and we're filling in the (large) blanks. The text certainly doesn't tell us what happened, which is a shame, because that's the meat of this sort of character-driven slice of life.

Phew. Sorry for the long rant -- and yeah, please don't take the negativity as discouragement. It's obvious a lot of people liked it! But this really didn't work for me.

>>bloons3
I mean, that was my second choice, but it seemed to come out making slightly spectral sense in wavelengths than in frequencies, and neither was clear, so…

So was there a coherent plot to this beyond “friendship is silver nanoparticles”, or… ?

>>libertydude
>>Cold in Gardez
>>horizon
Hi! I did this one. Had I not done it high as balls in a single sitting, and had the site not absolutely destroyed my clever formatting, it would have been a bit better.

Few things: Yeah, it's not like Eliot at all. I didn't really want to be like him.

Setabos: I would blame it on the intoxication, but truthfully I just really liked the line and the title. I actually don't like the poem as much. also the moon line and the opening one.


"I" yeah had I do to do it again I would have removed the storyteller voice thing


As for enjambment, I offer a great and mighty shrug. I break lines as I say them. I guess that would be easier to demonstrate with a recording of myself reading it.


>>QuillScratch
I don't really know why I did that with the punctuation.

Genre: Head Trip

Thoughts: I hope the Author will forgive me, but this didn't quite resonate with me and I am struggling to articulate my thoughts without engaging in the gauche act of directly comparing this with two other fics that did. Hopefully the more positive reviews (and the accomplishment of making finals) will limit any sting here.

The central portion of this story features a dive into Sunset's mind. Instantly I find myself thinking about Garmonbozia's journey into whatever alternate dimension that the weird little dudes and "damn good coffee" occupy. This story does at least go to the effort of providing a plausible in-world explanation for the mindscape shenanigans on offer, and I think ultimately that's good both for the audience's sake and for the story's ability to stand on its own. Yet, I feel markedly less satisfied with the result. Perhaps this story's mindscape all makes too much sense, with the extremely unambiguous Library Of Eidetic Memory and the accompanying Halls Of Shame. I think the story is trying to build tension through depicting the oddity of those settings, but the relative stability of the settings as Rainbow explores them blunts their effect on me. Yes, Rainbow encounters a spooky book and an unsettling moment of shame, but I almost feel like the humor of some of the surrounding bits makes the darker stuff feel more out-of-place than impactful. Recall that this is a story that establishes an early tone of jocularity by having Rainbow fantasize about rescuing babies from an alien invasion, and that comes back to said tone via the birdhouse, and Fluttershy playing dress-up, and the shipping shampoo. I feel it's ultimately not a predominantly visceral and head-trippy fic despite the apparent effort to make it one such--and that's fine, or it could be, except that it seems very much like it's trying to go there when it presents the characters' greatest fears and the monster-horror of the jello demon thingie. But those bits feel more like the exception than the rule.

The other comparison I can't help but draw is to >>QuillScratch's shoulda-finaled How To Blackmail An Ex-She-Demon, for the sake of the shipping stuff that sits off to the side of the main plot but that has an influence on the overall direction. It's clear that the characters have romantic aspects and aspirations that are (presumably) affecting how they approach their circumstances. However, instead of using that to help shape this depiction of these characters, that aspect stays completely opaque for me. All we really get is a deep-enough glimpse into those portions of the characters to establish that there's more we're not seeing. Maybe the single most succinct way I can express my feeling is to ask, where's Sci-Twi amid all this? Maybe I can take on faith the story's assertion that Sunset and Rainbow are BFFs, but even so, why doesn't Sunset bring in her (presumed) SO on something this important or life changing/threatening?

I dunno. There are lots of good pieces to this, but right now I don't feel like they're quite adding up to a whole. On the plus side, there are at least lots of good pieces!

Tier: Keep Developing

Genre: Thun-DA!! nana-na-na-nana-na-na Thun-DA!!

Thoughts: When this fic is on, It! Is! On!! It possesses an arresting quality of magnetism that pulls me through the onset of the titular week. Its descriptions are a pleasure to read, and its comedic bits (most consistently delivered via RD's run-on introspection) are as good and funny as I could hope for.

My problem comes with trying to assemble all this sound and fury into something that it might signify. The other characters ask about it often enough, and RD introspects about it plenty too. Yet none of their efforts leave me with a strong takeaway. "Pegasi get passionate over crazy weather and sometimes you gotta tolerate letting passionate people get as crazy as they want to be" feels like the most likely message that I can glean out of this... and that's okay? I guess? But for me it doesn't do enough to dispel the funk of uncertainty that I feel, and that RD herself still seems to be feeling by the end.

Yet I feel like it's close--perhaps very close indeed--to coalescing. Fortunately, there's an app a tier for that...

Tier: Almost There

>>RogerDodger
Wait. There are rules? Oh, dear. My bad. I wasn't aware. I promise not to do this again. Also--since I already got your attention--I second the motion of having quick format buttons when submitting a story. Going back and forth between the edit page and the story page to see if the formatting was coming out right was gruelling.

Anyway... Unintended rule-breaking aside, I had a good time this round. As it's been made clear, this is a complete expansion upon a story idea I had earlier this year about Twilight trying to solve the Nightmare Moon issue by herself with undesired side effects. I was aiming for a different style of storytelling where I wouldn't risk ending up with an overwrought narrative. Then the idea developed into making this story be comprised entirely out of letters, reports and other type of notes.

Now, to tackle specific criticisms!

>>GaPJaxie

I did figure out where this was going by the fourth text block, which is not that far into the story. [...] the reference to Predictions and Prophesies gave it away, and after that it was just a matter of getting us to the reveal, which could drag a little.

While writing this, I was being pulled apart by two trains of thought: Keeping the underlying story a mystery, slowly teasing the reader with new information with every new letter; and mantaining a logical order to how the letters and reports would be composed and the chronological order in which they would be written.

You can guess which won.

Buyt yeah, I think if I make Spike too indisposed to be interviewed that early into the story, I can keep the mystery going for a bit longer.

A lot of the information in the various reports is redundant or obviously irrelevant, and I spent a lot of time googling obscure medical terminology in case it turned out to be important (it didn't).

I will admit that a few details were there purely to round up the narrative and to make the reports as legitimate as possible. However there is an even bigger reason for why a lot of those details feel superfluous: I ran out of time and was too close to the word limit.

There are a few letters and reports that I didn't get around writing. One of them was Twilight's transfer form, referenced in the ER report, which would explain in layman terms what is it that happened to her, which would tie in with the memo from the archmage court and basically say that the dark magic banished Twilight's mind/soul to the moon while her body remained in Equestria.

Speaking of the archmages. Their final memo mentions an attachement which I didn't get to write, either. This would be a reconstruction of the Summer Sun Incident, meaning how exactly Twilight blew up her tower and got into the state mentioned in the ER report. This would've been mentioned in the Guard's summary report.

There is also mention of a meeting between the Guard and the Archmages, I planned to include a rundown of their meeting, but that one was scrapped because it would repeat information from their final summaries.

One I got around writing but didn't include because wordcount and time was an official statement by Princess Celestia to the rest of Equestria about the explosion. It would've been heavily revised and obviously a cover up for Twilight's sake.

Again, time and word limits prevented me from giving this a more thorough revision, but I'm still glad it was enjoyable.

>>Light_Striker
Why, I don't know what you could possibly be talking about.

>>Not_A_Hat

it seemed like a lot of the details here really aren't building towards the ending, or are just kinda there-to-be-there, without properly adding to the world or situation.

A few, yes. Though others just feel like that because I wasn't able to deliver a proper resolution to those subplots.

>>MLPmatthewl419
>>Rao
I'm glad you enjoyed it. I'll do my best to polish it further before publishing it.

>>Baal Bunny
Ah, yes. Poor Shining... I really did him a disservice here. I already mentioned a lot of bits and pieces which had to be cut due to time and length, and the one which hurt most was his. Aside from his letter to Cadænce--which, as you mentioned, would be better placed later in the timeline--and the hints about him disregarding his duties as captain, I never dwelled on his side of the story. Mainly due to the aforementioned limits, but also because I wasn't sure how to convey his story with just letters and reports. That doesn't mean I won't keep trying, thought!

As for Moon Dancer, her interview was a way for Copper Wing to discover that Princess Celestia was the one who gave that assignment to Twilight, since she had no other way of talking with the Princess since she's being so reclusive.

The condolence letters have a more nebulous purpose. One is to introduce the Point of View of Twilight's parents. Other is to bring up the fact that everyone has heard about what happened to Twilight in the Summer Sun night, except I ended up cutting the official announcement, so the responses do not feel as reactionary nor are they tethered to that plot point anymore.

Whoops!

---

Thanks to everybody for your feedback! I'll be sure to keep working hard on the future not to make the same mistakes--or accidentally break the rules! Sorry for that one, again.

What? DQd? Gosh darn it.

Anyway, this is gonna end up on fimfic, right? I didn't read your responses very carefully, so basically just confirming.
>>Zaid Val'Roa

>>MLPmatthewl419
Definitely.

Genre: "Wheat Stain"(?)

Thoughts: My feelings fall somewhere between >>Not_A_Hat and >>GaPJaxie here. On the one hand, I like the idea of the wise old dude imparting unexpected wisdom on the young buck who's obsessed with the thing and not the reasons behind the thing--it brings to mind Stephen King's line about art being a support system for life and not the other way around (presuming I haven't butchered the line too badly). That's a good lesson, and I can see room for Palette to need to learn it, and I can see that Du Hoc would want to teach it.

But on the other hand, I feel like the depths of revelation and change in Palette happen way too fast considering where he starts. Granted, Twilight learned a lot of core lessons about the magic of friendship after just a single two-part episode, so it's not like Palette couldn't learn things somewhat quickly. But ultimately this isn't even a two-parter's volume of adventure. I'm going to just quote >>GaPJaxie and be done with it:

He chats with a mare, he has a few drinks in a bar, he laughs, and... suddenly he has some big life revelation?

Again, it's not a bad concept but I feel like the progression is just way too fast.

I liked the interactions between Palette and Du Hoc for the most part. The flirting with Silver was good too. I didn't like the happy-slappy green pegasus guy though... just something about his dialogue wore out its welcome right quick. Maybe it's a bit of Wacky Sidekick -syndrome. But I think if we'd had more time following Palette and Du Hoc on their brief road trip, it could've given the story more breathing room to learn about the characters and their pasts without having to pony up that information quite as quickly.

Tier: Keep Developing

I liked it. Limestone gave me the impression that she was a real teenage girl dealing with relatable problems. She was unquestionably my favorite part of the story, followed by Sunset. I did have a few quips though, regarding Limestone's money and Cloudy's voice.

I don't see any reason why Limestone would agree to hand over the money, or why Cloudy would even suggest such a thing, and that lead to the whole conflict feeling a little contrived. Was Cloudy afraid that Limestone would spend it all on ball gags and condoms while she was standing next to her? It was Limestone's money anyway and she'd kept it safe thus far, why mess with a good thing just to make yourself feel a little more in control?

I also think that there was a missed opportunity for Cloudy here. When the purse was stolen Limestone had a very prominent moment of "mom just wants her stuff back", setting up for the subversion of Limestone's expectations with a moment of "Mom is more worried about your things than hers" that we never got. That also would have given Cloudy more character development by pointing out that, although she is severe, she does care for her children more than things or her own ideals. This could have been solved by Cloudy looking through her purse and, finding the money gone, freaking out about it and demanding that she be allowed to pay for the bra wherever it came from.

Cloudy's voice is kind of a personal nit-pick of mine. I couldn't find a sound that fit her in my head and I kept defaulting to Luna's, which just sounded wrong. Again, minor nit-pick but it had a tendency to annoy me throughout the story. Maybe something that could be more clearly defined.

>>Dubs_Rewatcher
As for how the Pie family knew Limestone was... unfettered by the usual attire, when the assets are significant enough it's hard not to notice (she was also holding a snapped bra). Once one sibling notices the others tend to zero in on things.

In addition, I've seen several instances of nipples poking through shirts that I really wish I hadn't, but it's impossible not to notice sometimes. They also tend to be much more mobile when unrestrained, and given Limestone's supposed size I have to wonder how she was able to bolt around the mall like that. If nothing else I'd think that'd hurt and slow her down. Maybe she clamped down on them like I see some girls do when they run, but again that slows you down and Sunset sounded fast.

Genre: Season 1

Thoughts: I think the story succeeds in its aim of being a cute and pastoral slice-of-d'aww. It also seems to be evoking feelings of nostalgia from the audience, which makes sense; my perception is that the early-early fandom was a special time the likes of which hasn't been seen since, what with our newfangled Starlight Glimmers and Applejack's Parentses and our MTV.

But I wasn't around for the early fandom; I rolled in during the long lag between seasons 4&5. As such, I can appreciate the feel of those early episodes, but pressing this hard on the nostalgia button doesn't quite do it for me. I recognize that the story is succeeding at its goals in doing so, but it's going all-in on something that doesn't make a strong connection with me, if that makes sense.

The one other thing I want to mention is the recurring thing about saving some berries for the princess. I liked how this was woven in as a thematic/background element; it did a good and interesting job of establishing the expectation that we'd eventually get an explanation. I was slightly disappointed when the explanation ended up being the straightest possible answer to the mystery, though. It was in keeping with the cute-for-cute's-sake tone of the piece--and maybe the fault lies with me for expecting something that this just wasn't. But I dunno, I thought this could've gone bigger in that moment.

With all that said, I'll tier this highly because it really is a strong piece. But at this point the competition in that tier is pretty stiff, and the advantage may go to fics with larger ambitions, even if their execution isn't quite this crisp.

Tier: Strong

And here goes my last finalist review. :bulkbicepsyeah: Keep reviewing, y'all!

---

Genre: Civic Engagement

Thoughts: Ultimately this is a pretty simple tale, as CiG notes. I'll risk being gauche again and comparing it to Friendship Is Strawberries, which could similarly be broken down into the simple message of: "Downtime with friends is the best, amirite?" In this case it's even simpler, though; Mayor is lonely because she doesn't think she can open up and still be accepted, and Pinkie breaks through her defenses as only Pinkie can, allowing her to reach the soul trapped beneath the veneer.

One reason why this works for me is that the message, simple as it is, hits me right in the heart. Another reason is that the delivery is fun and really well-done, especially in how Pinkie is written--she's so easy to overdo, and it's a delight when she's done but not overdone. A third is character selection, I'll confess; beyond my fondness for Pinkie, I wrote a similar kind of strong-but-vulnerable Mayor in the last Writeoff, and I really enjoy seeing this kind of portrayal of her pop up again here. Mayor and Pinkie are great choices to let us follow the theme of "becoming the mask."

Maybe this one isn't terribly ambitious, but there's something to be said for a simple, well-aimed, high-caliber shot of feels.

Two things, though: don't forget your [ hr ] tags, and right now the interview section goes on a bit longer than it would strictly need to.

Tier: Strong

So... I appear to be the only one who had this problem, but the beginning sequence with the aliens does not actually read clearly as "fantasy" to me. I might be overly tired or just partially primed for magical girl adventures due to the direction EqG seems to be taking or something, but yeah, I feel its worth noting.

Beyond that this is a fun adventure story that I feel lacks focus.

Beyond the "beat the Marabunta" plot (which honestly is not really much the focus of the fic, but rather a tool to simply move the characters to their character based conflicts), the narrative through line is kind of unclear. Which is unfortunate, because those conflicts are the real meat of the story. But yeah, it feels like where we end up is that Sunset and Rainbow are friends... and that's kind of it. You could possibly argue that Sunset, at least, overcomes her fear, but I'm not fully convinced of that, and as a result, the story kinda lacks impact to me in the end.

Two emotional character arcs is actually tough to deal with in a short. The majority of the story focuses on Rainbow being a shitty person, which makes the emotional memory pulling with Sunset a bit lackluster with how little build up there is to it. Basically, the story would feel a lot more satisfying if dealing with RAINBOW's issues were what gave them the means to bust the Marabunta, as her issues are what the story is shaped around.

Speaking of, Rainbow herself is a bit hard to like, as she is... honestly pretty obnoxious. Like, really obnoxious. I get that Sunset is ALSO being a bit of a problem, but seriously, poking around in Sunset's private memories (memories she wants to keep private for -really- obvious reasons) after specifically being asked not to is amazingly shitty, and she doesn't really seem to learn anything from it. Her fears don't really seem to teach her anything, as it were, and her issues have no real consequences. Sunset's forgiveness is rather unconditional. Like, I'm not saying she should let Rainbow die or anything, but the debt should be squared.

The Fluttershy scene is very cute and amusing, but it is also the literal definition of extraneous fluff.

My only problem here:

Is chronological. At first, I thought this must be taking place early in Season One because there's no mention of the big storm that takes place during "Look Before You Sleep" and Dash keeps thinking of the Wonderbolts as if they're something she's still working toward. But then we see that Twilight's a princess and that Dash has been a Wonderbolt for some time now...

I'd suggest setting this squarely during Season One. Make the storm mentioned above the catalyst that sparks this idea in Dash's mind. Or better yet, set it just after "Sonic Rainboom" where Dash has experienced this enormous emotional high and wants to bring a similar feeling to her regular daily life. A real nice story, though.

Mike

My only problem here:

Is structural. Right now, this is a story about Paint's reaction to Luna, how he misinterprets everything, and how it goes horribly wrong for the entire world. But that one scene from Luna's POV hits me as a massive sidetrack, flinging the whole story off center and quite literally wrenching us out of Paint's head right when we should be most firmly attached to him.

It's a gorgeous scene, though, so I'd suggest changing the story's aim to make it be about both Paint and Luna: put in a couple more scenes from Luna's POV. I'd even go so far as to suggest that you make those scenes from Luna's POV show us her real feelings long before Paint learns them so we can get a "dramatic irony" thing going on. We the readers will know more about the situation than the characters do, so we can get that gut clench as we watch Paint misinterpreting things. I think that'll make it even more of a two by four to the head when he introduces himself to Luna as Sombra: we'll think, "Oh, she's just gonna shoot him down 'cause he doesn't know what's really going on with her," but the reality of who he becomes because of all this is so much more wrenching than that...

Anyway, another good story!

Mike

I think it's worth mentioning that we see a somewhat more mature Pinkie here. Back in the Cranky Doodle days, she'd probably just keep hounding Mayor until she yielded. Here instead, we see her actually pause for a moment when her usual cheering up tactics don't work to consider if there might be another solution. Indeed, she even goes beyond "pony sad, must make happy" and digs to the root of the Mayor Mare's pervasive sadness and finds a solution that is well beneath her usual levels of exuberance, yet far more effective.

Good job.

It’s always a weird feeling to dislike a story that many others seem to enjoy. Sadly, this is exactly how I feel when reading this. The story has a plethora of problems that make me more frustrated than fulfilled, and given how many of the reviews here don’t specifically point them out, I feel I’d be amiss if I didn’t mention them.

For starters, Rainbow Dash’s morality here is…dubious, at best. I can understand the obsession with stormy weather, as well as her trying to do this “Appreciation Week”, but the idea that she’d be so callous to discard the other townsponies feelings toward it (the “everything turns into soup if you add enough rain” being the most dickish line to me) just feels really out-of-character. I get that the author is trying to portray her loyalty as being to her fellow Pegasi, but I don’t buy for a moment that her loyalty to the rest of the Mane 6 would be overruled by her own people (she was willing to give up her Wonderbolts position, a group with extremely high cultural significance to pegasi, when it almost led to her friends being hurt). I could buy it if she started doing the more intense things like the tornado, then began to realize how she was affecting the ponies. Here, though, her more-or-less destruction of the town is treated as a triumph for the pegasi and a stepping stone in her relationship with Flitter.

There’s also the question of why they have to do the severe weather in Ponyville. The story suggests that the Pegasi just like the sensation of the severe weather, but there’s nothing there that really says the other two tribes have to experience them. If that’s the case, then why not just do this severe weather somewhere abandoned, or maybe between towns where it wouldn’t inconvenience anypony? I find this so egregious because so much of the first half of the story is spent justifying why this Severe Weather Appreciation Week has to happen, yet nopony points out that they could just do this somewhere else. It doesn’t help that her resulting confrontations with Twilight are treated as Dash standing up for herself and her people, while ignoring those wimpy whiners who didn’t want to see their town demolished. I’m particularly grumpy about this because I just got hit by Hurricane Irma, and I sympathize more with the townponies who don’t want their houses damaged and livelihoods affected (especially when said damage can be completely averted, unlike here in real-life) than a bunch of pegasi who caused a devastating tornado and hurricane out of some vague boredom.

But even outside of these factors, there’s the fact that the story’s structure becomes needlessly repetitive. Repetition isn’t an inherently bad thing, and it would make sense to do a Weather Appreciation Week day by day. Here, though, the repetition is a bit too close to really make the story work. The severe weather starts, the other ponies react, Rainbow Dash flirts with Flitter, some ponies complain, start again. It’s a repetition that makes the story feel like it’s just eating up time instead of being a natural progression. The middle and the ending feel the same instead of being a transition.

The ending itself is one of the biggest things that really hinders the story, in that I’m not sure what it’s trying to convey. Is it about Rainbow learning why she should or shouldn’t follow the compact? No, because she doesn’t bring this up. The week is just over, with Dash only briefly reflecting on it before zooming off with Flitter. Going by this, the Week must not have mattered that much if she just sort of shrugs it off after it’s done. Is it about Dash growing to understand herself? No, because she ends the story more-or-less how she started it: she feels right for causing all this severe weather. Is it about advancing her relationship with Flitter? Probably, given that the story ends with her, but if that’s the case, the romance feels rather surface-level, so I really don’t know what it is about Flitter that’s really attracting Dash to her. If it’s just the severe weather, then that’s a pretty shallow reason. Granted, I could see Dash getting involved in somepony for relatively simplistic reasons (initially, at least), but the story tries to sell me this idea of them being soulmates so hard. Given how much of their interactions can be boiled down to “I like this thing that you like; that’s pretty hot”, I really don’t buy it.

I know I’m really sounding like a Negative Nancy here, so I just want to clarify that I don’t think the idea of the story is bad. Having the different tribes come into conflict over one tribe’s past traditions is a really interesting concept, and I feel the story starts very strongly. Having Dash question her personal feelings over the weather and being motivated to change it briefly is an interesting character arc; we can tell how passionate she is about this, and the story does a great job at showing her winning the other pegasi over. Going by the beginning part, I thought the story was going to be great.

But the problem is that the story doesn’t really examine how this affects other ponies. We get brief glimpses of the non-Pegasi reacting to the storm, then Dash blowing off their concerns before going onto the next big storm. Other than the relationship with Flitter, what did the story really reveal? Is the severe weather really necessary for the pegasi as they initially believed? Did the non-pegasi ever come to appreciate the severe weather? Does anypony like the Princesses or other outside parties comment on this? I don’t know, because there’s more focus on the actual weather and Dash’s dalliances with Flitter than exploring the consequences of this event. The situation overcomes the story, and it makes the final result seem underwhelming.

In the end, this is a story that I don’t particularly care for. Not because it has a bad concept, but because the execution is very lacking. There’s complex ideas on display here, but the story either ignores or trivializes them to where they can’t be examined. In some ways, that’s even worse than a simply bad story. There’s definitely something here, but it’s masked by a moral simplicity that doesn’t fit the story. Rainbow Dash can tell herself that this is simply “passion”, but even in a seemingly cut-and-dry place in Equestria, that’s not going to fly. When something affects all the ponies around you, your own passion isn’t going to fix their broken world.

(Also, as a personal note, I have to say that there’s a big difference between understanding severe weather and appreciating it. I understand why hurricanes come to my town, but I sure as hell don’t appreciate them destroying my house and ruining people’s homes & lives. If there’s anything in this story I would appreciate, it’d be the Ponyville residents having the ability to never worry about their roofs being ripped off or windows being blown out by the wind, unlike what my family went through last week.)

On the whole, I thought this story worked fairly well. It provided an interesting science-fiction setting, and really showed a complex relationship fairly maturely. Ponies and robots have a weird balance in this story, and it gives the story a weird tension that makes the emotions feel really heightened. I also thought the way it utilized sexual situations was rather competent, using it as a demonstration of Dash’s emotion deadness instead of simple titillation. It could’ve been easy to make the sex scenes extraneous, but they surprisingly gave the story a bit more emotional weight. In a story that involves Rainbow Dash losing her virginity to a robot and partaking in an orgy, there’s a lot that could’ve gone wrong.

But in fairness, there were a few things that did go wrong. For starters, I thought having Twilight Sparkle as the concurrent robot was an unneeded addition. Nothing about the robot screamed “this has to be Twilight for the story work”; any other background character/OC could’ve stood in and the story would’ve functioned just fine. There’s also the fact that some details about the world seemed a bit too vague. Do ponies still have jobs if the technology have reached this level? Is the flesh Celestia gone forever, or has the metal Celestia just temporarily taken over? I know these seem like really inane questions, but the answers would really affect my perception of this world.

These are relatively minor issues, though. On the whole, the story was quite interesting and the strange emotions Dash felt were handled well. Definitely one of the top contenders of this round for me.

Personally, it’s always hard for me to write stories that involve a different origin for a character than what’s already established (unless said canon origin is terrible, of course). Even though I know a lot of people don’t follow the IDW canon much, the Sombra origin is one of my favorite issues in the series. It showed the tragedy in his creation and showed just how messed up we can become through our life circumstances that we can’t control. In that way, this story had to really work to make me accept its portrayals of the characters.

But the thing is…it did work (for the most part).

One of the reasons why is that it doesn’t even make it a Sombra story until the very end. For most of the story, Drying Paint is the hero, and it’s only toward the end that we get a taste of the evil to come. It’s a clever misdirection, and it definitely worked at making me care about these characters more than I would have in a straight Sombra story. Luna was similarly a lot of fun to watch, being the epitome of every edgy teenager ever. But there’s enough of a softness to her that I enjoyed watching her act out without getting too annoyed. I also enjoyed the setting of the Loveless, which embodied those places that seem to be filled with people that don’t have a lot of goodness in their lives. It definitely seems like a place where your life can change in dark ways.

There were a few peeves I had with the story, however. For one, I don’t really buy Luna suddenly being A-O.K. with Celestia after one talk. If she had that much disdain for her, I think it would take more than a few days to get over those feelings. On top of that, she’s still going to become Nightmare Moon, so the story acting like the hostility is gone forever takes a bit too much artistic license for my taste, and makes Sombra’s creation feel a bit too contrived. Drying Paint also seems a bit too bland for my taste. I get he’s supposed to be an average joe, but even average people have character traits. Frankly, I felt Pot had more characterization, being a snarky smart-aleck who had some drive to help his friend. Finally, the stuff about the fur and mane dye being permanent just felt a bit too goofy. A story that was fairly grounded suddenly having a wacky dye emergency wasn’t comic relief, it was a distraction. Besides, if he’s gaining dark powers at the end from Changelings, couldn’t he just simply have gotten a color change from their magic?

In the end, though, this was an interesting experiment in characterization. This isn’t quite as good as the IDW comic, but it did enough of its own thing to satisfy me. A strong story that just needs a few touch-ups in some places.

>>libertydude
So I think there are some lines in there about the Pegasi minimizing actual damage to the town, as well as being willing to help clean up after the storms because Ponyville is their town too.

However, I was compelled to post "me too" because I feel like you've otherwise hit the nail on the head. There's excellent writing on offer here, but there are gaps in the logic and empathy that don't add up for me--especially in a Pony context.

>>CoffeeMinion
Yeah, I know the lines you're talking about, and I recognize that it makes the pegasi's actions a little more excusable. But I still stand by my criticisms, simply because the fact that they try to minimize damage and help the other ponies shows that they're well aware that the severe storm is adversely affecting other ponies. It's nice that they'll help their neighbors, but the ponies that clearly didn't want to participate are still going to get their homes damaged, and that's going to be a pain regardless of whether the pegasi help them or not.

Probably the best prose in the round, with excellent voicing and character writing all around. Like, I can't emphasize this enough. Absolutely great writing.

That said, I hate this story.

One of the core issues for me is that Rainbow Dash is insufferable. Flawed protagonists are great. Everyone should have flaws. Flaws make characters interesting. The problem is that when a character is so obnoxious that you wish they'd get struck by a bolt of lightning, it doesn't make for an enjoyable reading experience.

The core complaint is understandable. I like rough weather too! But her knowing air of superiority (which frankly feels unearned given I have trouble imagining both that all pegasi like storms and all ground ponies hate them) rubs the wrong way, as does her relatively smug introspection.

And of course, this ignores the question of why not have the bad weather like, 5 miles west of town. You can fly. You mostly live on clouds. There is a compromise to be had here. Honestly, everyone kinda needlessly kowtows to Rainbow Dash's considerations here. I mean, yes, they are great at controlling weather. It is still -really- hard to overlook the stupidity of running a tornado through town. Just because I'm a great shot doesn't mean it is a great idea for me to shoot around people I know. And yes, you do try to ease it up with them helping with town cleanup, but honestly, if my neighbor pisses on my front door, him cleaning it up is not a particularly great comfort to me.

And, of course, since Rainbow Dash is not lazy (unless it concerns things not her hobbies) I'm sure she was a great help.

Again. I get that the core conceit here is that the pegasi have excellent control, etc. I just find myself not caring, especially since Rainbow Dash seems amazingly indignant given ponies also let her do this, despite much of this stuff relying on the idea of "Oh don't worry, there is 0 chance we will fuck this up" which really abuses my suspension of disbelief.

Beyond that, the actual narrative throughline seems to be more about her relationship with Flitter (boy her friends are fast to assume that she is dtf the pony she's working with) which... kinda goes nowhere. I mean, the story is 8K words, Rainbow Dash faces like, no actual obstacles to her goal, and everything goes smoothly. That's a lot of words for... honestly not much happening. And I know this is more a character piece than anything, but it isn't as if RD particularly discovers anything new. We get the implications of stuff with Flitter and self vs outer motivation, but it all just kinda floats out there.

This is the longest fic in the WO, and it is frustrating that the only real source of tension I found was "would a lightning bolt strike RD for being such a pain in the ass." This fic feels like it is dying for some actual meat that I can sink my teeth into. There are no real stakes, no real challenges, no real obstacles, and we end barely two steps away from where we started.

Since you're doing very tight 3rd person, you should actually introduce the POV way earlier in the opening scene.

Anyhow, to reiterate. Actual writing quality seriously is super great, and obviously my opinions on content are just my opinions.

It's mashup time!

Familiar Appreciation Week -> Ponyville throws a special celebration to appreciate all its robots. They are ordered to be grateful.

Don't Leave Me With My Bra -> Rainbow Dash gets into Sunset Shimmer's head, and is forced to live through all her memories of learning to use a bra after she arrived in the human world.

The Summer Solitaire Incident -> After banishing herself to the moon, Twilight makes friends with Luna. She decides this banishment thing worked out for the best, and hopes that nopony at home is sad or anything.

The Pink Beneath Le Solitaire -> A painter arrives in a mountain town with his wise mentor, only to find they have brought only pink paint. Fortuitously, the ponies in town are mostly pink as well.

Hee hee. I saw the twist coming... as soon as I read that this story had a twist. Nevertheless, it still put a grin on my face.

Also, Luna geeking out over slam poetry? I'm all in.

The ending—the last line in particular—doesn't sit well with me. It seems like too much of a tone shift away from the rest of the fic.

A part of my brain:

Wanted to get all grouchy at this story for not being "Pony enough." But it was a small and easily stifled part because this story is Pony through and through. The only thing that might make it more Pony would be for Twilight in her role as Robot Princess of Friendship to ask Dash at the very end when she last talked to Fluttershy. Twilight's there, after all, to guide Dash back out into the world--so she can make some friends, maybe?--and Dash has already mentioned knowing Fluttershy...

Another small detail: I'd kinda like to know how they ended up getting in to see Iea. Did Dash become a Wonderbolt? Did some other part of the appeal process work? Did it take longer or shorter than usual? Answers to these questions would tell us a lot about Iea's relationship to Dash and to Twilight and could give us info about how this world works, too, how much attention Iea is able to give to the individuals who are her nominal bosses.

Anyway, a fine, fine story.

Mike

Most of my thoughts have already been expressed by others, so I'll be brief. This story was nice, but some scenes seemed out of place. They seem to be important, but there is no follow-up. Especially the dream and the wind scene are very confusing.

About the number of characters, it may be a bit cramped but personally it didn't bother me too much. On the contrary, I appreciated that you hint at a larger family and a more developed family history.

>>MrExtra
About Scootaloo, it feels like she should be the point of view of the story. It's like having Sherlock and Watson, but a Watson that doesn't narrate.
It would be interesting to have the story told from the point of view of Scootaloo, and it would make sense. She's close enough to participate in family scenes, she'd follow Rainbow Dash anywhere, but she doesn't want to intrude so she stays quiet and observes. Plus, she doesn't have any more knowledge about family history than the reader.
Just a thought.

A cute little WAFF (we still say that, right?) fic that will leave absolutely no impact after reading besides maybe a slightly better mood.

Like, I honestly keep trying to come up with anything better than >>Cold in Gardez's post to say, and I can't, so yeah. Read that one again and pretend I wrote it. This is definitely a cute fic, but it's not something I'm going to remember in a week or two. If you want to do more, you really need to dig a bit deeper into both the nature of the pathos, pulling MM out of it, and the nature of their relationship from this point forward.

I think this story’s greatest strength is that it feels very natural. Every line of dialogue the three characters have seem to flow easily from one line to the next, and it actually seems like something they’d say. This goes a long way to making the story more engrossing. I also thought that the conflict between Sunset and Rainbow was intriguing, highlighting just how different they are from one another and showing just how they might get each other’s goats. Sunset’s mind similarly provided a solid setting, even if it was a tad uninspired (libraries and hallways are not unusual in ‘journey to the mind’ stories). At the very least, the Marabunta was a unique creation, and it certainly provided a decent threat to the duo.

However, one of the major issues with this story is that it moves a tad too fast. Things are described very straightforwardly, then the story simply proceeds onward. It keeps the story’s pace from dragging, but it also doesn’t really allow us to really get involved in these environments. The places are simply described as a library and a hallway, and that’s pretty much it. Efficient, but not very engrossing. Similarly, the writing feels a tad unpolished, as if the author zipped from paragraph to paragraph, writing down only the essentials before moving on. The writing is so basic that it feels off, as if there were details and actions missing or cut for word count. Simplistic sentence structure and word choice can work, but it feels more like incompleteness than an artistic choice here. There’s also a bit too much fluff with Fluttershy, with her involvement becoming largely superfluous by the story’s end. It was amusing at some points, but mostly just distracting.

All in all, I think this story has a good foundation with its storyline and dialogue. It just needs another edit or two, as well as some expansion with its details. Either way, this story is going in the right direction, and I’m sure the author can make something great out of it with a little more time.

Out of all the stories in this round, this is the most “laid back” I’ve read, and I mean that in a good way. This is a simple story about an artist going on a personal journey, and it definitely hits all the right beats for that kind of story. I also enjoyed how the characters were mostly down-to-earth (save for the flamboyant Sycamore), having unique character traits without becoming too over-the-top. It can be difficult to show this much restraint when it comes to character portraits, especially since the limited word count often calls for more extravagant characters. Another thing I enjoyed was how the plot was rather thin, mostly just focusing on Palette’s emotional growth. In fact, I think the story would’ve been stronger if the driving situation (the Du Hoc apprenticeship) was downplayed even more. This is a character piece, not a plot piece, and the parts that focus on Palette as a character really let the story shine.

That being said, the story doesn’t always click in the right ways. For one, the talk about Palette’s painting talent largely feels like an informed attribute. Other than the Silver Song painting, there’s not much demonstration of his ability, and that’s a problem when the whole point of the story is that his paintings are affecting his life. I also thought the opening description of Du Hoc went on a bit too long. I get that it’s meant to establish his legendary status and show Palette’s worship of him, but it ate up enough paragraphs that I thought could’ve been more effective if it was spread out through the story. And finally, I’m not really sure what the final message is supposed to be. Don’t get into art if you’re not fully committed to it? Realize your limitations as an artist? Talk about your art to gain different perspectives on it? I don’t know, the message on the end feels vague enough that I think the story might be better without it. Sometimes, what you learn isn’t always clear, and a confused stallion like Palette probably needs more than one night at a bar to figure things out.

But in the end, this was a relaxing and introspective story. It really felt like a character study of Palette instead of a plot-driven story, which was rather refreshing from a lot of the other stories done this round. Tinker with it a little more, and I’ll bet this’ll turn out grand.

I've read and ranked all the finalists, but I haven't had the time or the energy to give them in-depth, critical reviews as I have in previous rounds. I feel bad, in general, for being less active this round than in the past.

I'm happy that I got to participate, but disappointed in myself for how little substance my participation actually had.

Why, I haven't even done a single mash-up

One of the great risks of stories like this is the tendency to dip into melodrama. Granted, melodrama isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but it becomes harder for the story to be effective when things become too expressive. Fortunately, this story managed to avoid that, portraying Mayor Mare and Pinkie’s plight in a very low-key manner. It’s a fitting depiction, given how the story is all about an internal sadness and two characters trying to come to terms with it. I also liked how the story used a lot of canon characters to great effect, showing us their respective personalities even with the low word count (Dr. Hooves and his time tubes were my favorite). It’s fitting that we know a lot about these ponies from just a glance, while the Mayor requires a whole story to understand her. But the thing that I most enjoyed was how restrained Pinkie was (relatively speaking, of course). She’s certainly as bouncy and talkative as ever, but there’s an aura of wisdom to Pinkie’s actions, as if she’s trying to figure out the best way to approach this situation. It keeps her from getting too obnoxious, and that goes a long way to making her bond with the Mayor feel real.

If there’s one thing I feel the story could’ve developed a bit more, it’s the Mayor’s depression. As is, it’s just her being tired from the constant charade she feels a mayor has to do. A good starting point, for sure, but I think there needs to be a little more to it than that for this story to work. Having a period of moroseness this long makes me think that a deeper reason for her depression would make more sense. I don’t know, maybe that’d go against the story’s style of simplicity, but I think there could be a little more elaboration.

But that’s a relatively minor gripe with a largely solid story. It didn’t do anything groundbreaking, but it did what it set out to do: tell a heartwarming and cute story. Not every story this round has succeeded in conveying their main ideas, and it’s good to see a story that can convey its main idea (as simple as it is). It’s definitely one of the top stories of this round for me.

I think what I appreciated the most about this story was how it juggled all these story threads rather seamlessly. There’s a goofy plot about Limestone getting a bra, a half-serious plot about finding some kind of common ground with her ultra-religious mother, and a glimpse into Sunset’s first days in the human world. That’s a lot to present to the reader, but this story managed to make it fairly digestible. I think one of the main reasons is the rather quick pace. In another story, the breakneck speed of the plot would’ve made details zoom by too fast for us to appreciate them. Here, however, Limestone’s emotions are the main subject, and the action of the story keeps the plot from getting too bogged down in introspection. It’s a risky tactic, but I think it paid off here.

The one thing that I think doesn’t entirely work is the parents’ antiquated speaking. I understand why they have it: it allows them to easily be distinguished as characters and provides a lot of comedy through the sheer odd choice of words. However, there’s a few inconsistencies that stand out, and they ruin the immersion of said speaking styles. The most obvious is when Sunset steals the purse and Cloudy remarks “That girl stole my purse!” Given how she’s inserted antiquated language in every sentence she’s said, it feels odd to hear her say this relatively normal line. There are a few other examples throughout the story (“Got it!” when they chase after Sunset being another prime demonstration), and they really stick out when they occur. If you’re going to give them such odd diction, make sure that diction is consistent.

Other than that, this was a surprisingly effective little story. Limestone is an interesting character, and I’m happy that the Equestria Girls setting allowed her to be examined so intimately. I’m definitely putting this high in my final vote.

My reviews are complete! Huzzah!

Hope at least one of the stories I voted highly gets in the top three.

I have (somewhat belatedly) created a "True Colors" folder in the FIMFiction Writeoff group, for stories which were written to this round's prompt. (thanks CoffeeMinion for the prod)

This is your regular reminder that folders are locked against changes from the public-at-large, but everyone who has ever participated in a Writeoff should have permissions to add stories. If you are not marked as a "Contributor" in the FIMFic group, then tag me in this forum thread or PM me on FIMFiction and I'll fix your status.

>>horizon
Wait, where does it tell me if I'm a contributer? I looked under members, but I don't do much with groups.

Also, I realize you said tag you or PM on FimFic, but meh. I'm a rule breaker.

>>MLPmatthewl419
If you're a contributor, in the members list you should have a little book rather than a little person-silhouette next to your username.

I've contributor'd you so you're good to go.

This was a fun story that sucked me in from the beginning, but it lost that power as it approached the halfway point and petered off from there. I also believe that the weakest part of this story was the technical execution.

Similarly to >>GaPJaxie, I think this story felt truncated. Especially near the end things started to get really telly. Sycamore jumps up on a table and starts going on an epic rant and just as it starts to build..! We get told it was good. I WANTED TO HEAR THAT STORY! Sycamore is probably the least developed or consistent character (besides the 'friendly townsponies') in the story and cutting off the interactions here really hurt him. We get told he's 'roguish' and kinda wild, but his personality bounces around for a little bit before he settles on what I dubbed 'Shakespearean Actor'. The most roguish thing about him is his bottomless supply of winks that he passes out like confetti and the fact that he likes to have a good time at the bar. Never once do we see him steal a kiss or cheat at cards. He needs more development.

Du Hoc knew that he was no longer the only one who sensed things such as this.

This line is a great example of how telly this story got in the second half and was to a minor extent in the first. How do we know that Du Hoc sensed this other than you spelling it out? Did he notice Pallet's thousand mile stare out the door? Did Pallet's nose follow a sent across the room? Was he rubbing a hoof along the grain of the wood? Words are cheep, but visceral descriptions leave an impact. We have Five Senses: Sight, sound, taste, touch, smell. Everything we perceive is a combination of these so use them to build out the setting for the readers, and have the characters perceive and react to them. Then they can react to another's reaction to build the next perception. Like salt you don't need much, but it makes everything 'pop'.

Finally, the technical side. This at least is concrete and easy to fix. Things like put thoughts in italics, try not to use parenthesis, and watch where you break and join thoughts. A good proofreader and a text-to-speech program should fix that.

Overall, I think this story has a lot of heart. I liked Du Hoc and Pallet and their story has potential. You just need to let the story stretch out it's legs, try to show rather than tell, and do a little editing. Good job. Keep it up!

P.S. - Sorry if it seems like I'm dumping on your story, but I think a little bit of criticism does more good than a thousand 'good jobs' when working to make a story better.

I'm really rather partial to the 'colored narrator' thing. Love it. Do you think you could make it a bit more Pink?

I really liked this. It was cute, and heart warming, and you nailed Pinkie. Mayor Mare had a relatable conflict and her resolution came in a wonderfully believable way. Double thumbs up!

The last couple of comments have hated on Dash and the pegasi for their irresponsibility. Which ... well, is legitimate in some limited ways, but never occurred to me as a reader. I especially disagree with the idea that, as >>CoffeeMinion puts it, it "doesn't add up ... in a Pony context", because I think that the logic of the story requires a Pony context.

I have a set of assumptions about pony which, when I read this, made Dash's position seem entirely unremarkable. They apparently aren't broadly shared, so it seems worthwhile to outline what they are:

1) A society which has perfect control of the weather will eliminate inconveniencing and/or unpleasant weather events. (The story takes pains to set this up, but it fit my existing headcanon.)
2) Ponyville gets destroyed, like, once a week. (Come on, we see this in the show.)
3) Equestria is a quasi-socialist utopia in which having your home destroyed is an inconvenience rather than a life-altering tragedy.

Point three is a potentially significant one, because if any destruction had happened, it's the difference between Dash's request being monstrous and merely bizarre. So, author, it's worth considering to possibly add some early exposition making that explicit, or otherwise lampshading (more than you already do) that there's some sort of universal insurance or rebuilding budget or something.

Though ... that said, I'm dubious that even that is necessary. On closer examination, it seems to me like the anti-severe-weather comments here are reading too many Earth experiences into the story. We're talking about hurricanes, towns being laid waste to, people homeless, threats to life and limb ... and not only did that never happen in the story, it was never close to the intention.

The first day of "severe" weather appreciation week is fog. Literally nothing damaging happens (or could happen, unless someone had planned a high-speed go-kart race or something). Ponies, after being initially intimidated, enjoy it. And yet it would never have happened without Dash going out on a limb to expose the town to it. I mean, when fog is a marvel to ponies, and requires them to adjust to their initial fear, it's hard to argue that Dash doesn't have some kind of point.

And the worst that the weather gets is remarkably tame by our standards:

It was over in minutes. The funnel passed over the town, leaving it battered and waterlogged. Ponies emerged from their basements to assess the damage and found it generally to be light. Rarity, who had forgotten to remove the pennants from atop the Carousel Boutique, cursed under her breath and went hunting for them. Twilight Sparkle spent the day scraping mud from the highest crystal panes of her castle.

As evening fell, the pegasi returned to town. They were a mess – manes ruined, feathers all afluff, and coated in grime. The dryest one was like a wet sponge. They were exhausted. And still they helped the rest of the town clean up their mess, because this was Ponyville, and they were all neighbors here.

What's actually happening here — if we remove the context of Earth's recent hurricanes, and focus on the text — is pegasi being given permission to cut loose for a short period in order to get in touch with something that is normally suppressed for the convenience of mainstream society. It's little different from, say, pride marches or Burning Man — or, perhaps, grown men going to a convention celebrating a cartoon for little girls, instead of staying at home and being stoic and Masculine and emotionally repressed.

And that's part of what pushed this story to the top of my slate: the central metaphor here is powerful, deceptively broad, and easy to relate to if you (can) put yourself in the horseshoes of the pegasi.

I wish I could offer better advice on how to draw more readers to that reading. Maybe wider-world context is a problem here: the "too soon" effect of the recent hurricanes is probably gonna linger for a while. (Let's be clear: those were a tragedy, and should not be made light of, and I'm sorry for any loss/damage/anguish they caused to anyone here. But I can't read this story as making light of that — it has nothing to do with those tragedies, except for the surface storm theme.) What I can say is that I think it would be a mistake to walk back this story's themes in an effort to satisfy the "Dash-is-an-asshole" portion of your audience.

Tier: Top Contender

>>horizon

3) Equestria is a quasi-socialist utopia in which having your home destroyed is an inconvenience rather than a life-altering tragedy.

WELL NOT EVERYONE GETS A SPARKLY CRYSTAL FRIENDSHIP CASTLE WHEN THEIR HOUSE BURNS DOWN, HORIZON, OKAY

I thought this deserved to win and never expected it to actually win.

Congratulations to the winners! Familiar was just a really good story, the Moon one had strong ideas going for it, and Severe Weather had beautiful writing.

Still peeved that Blackmail got knocked out early, though. 👺

>>Posh
FWIW I had Gmodbozia in my #1 spot in prelims and #2 in finals, so clearly I thought your participation was pretty good. ^^ Also, what you thought was a shout-out in mine was totally a shout-out. At some point it dawned on me that "Posh Pantsuit" was a decent pony name and I've been trying to find a place to use it ever since.

>>MLPmatthewl419
>>MrExtra
>>libertydude
>>horizon
Well no. Finally that won’t happen. This story finished too low in the rankings. RIP. Sorry guys.

Well, the rankings were about what I expected them to be. Kind of wished "Bra Quest!" was a little higher, but I can't complain that it landed in 5th. I'm still scratching my head over "Severe Weather Appreciation Week", but at the very least, I can understand why people liked it.

All in all, a solid round.

>>Zaid Val'Roa
>>MLPmatthewl419
>>Fenton
>>GaPJaxie
>>Rao
>>WillowWren
>>CoffeeMinion

By the way, this will go up on Fimfiction within the next week.

Twilight Sparkle has learned many lessons about Friendship in Ponyville. On this beautiful spring day, she learns a very special lesson that she never anticipated.

Friendship is Strawberries placed seventh in the True Colors writeoff, placing just beneath six very good stories that I encourage you to read. It came from a story that has been floating around in the back of my head for years, and is based in my farm upbringing. In spring, my family always used to go to the one pond that had wild strawberries growing all around it (and how they spread there is a mystery) to snarf down as many of the tasty little bits of sugar as we could find. Wild strawberries are far sweeter and tastier than the ones you grow at home, and way better than whatever you find in the stores. Some of that is the outside environment, I suppose. Some of that is who you are with.

Comments:
Zaid/MLPMatthew: There’s a lot of internal depth in the first few seasons that you don’t get later. Twilight is growing into her position and learning all about the town and her new friends. The winter turtle… um… I mean tortoise episode is a good example. The first time something happens is special. The second or third, not so much.

Fenton/GAPJaxie: That’s what you get with a slice of life episode. No great conflicts, no giant villains. Just strawberries and ice cream. Yum.

Rao: The dark tragedy is the next day when Rarity finds out the strawberry stains do not wash out! Oh, the agony!

WillowWren: Thank you. That’s exactly the state of mind I was looking to promote.

Coffee: Yep, I’m getting better at interweaving threads, and I love disrupting people’s expectations by simply *not* making some wild twist in the middle of the story. By the way, did you notice where I put Trixie?

>>georg
I didn't comment on this story when I read it last night, but the line 'first day of strawberry season' had me picturing ponies in camouflage, stalking through the woods in hunt for the wild strawberry, which they would then subdue and drag back to their house to mount on the wall.

Anyways, my theory on why they taste so much better is that there's only so much strawberry flavor to go around, so breeding for larger berries simply dilutes it.

>>Monokeras
Aw :(. *stifles sniffles

Oh well, it's up to you what you do with your stuff. And hey, at least ya tried!

Oh. I won. Well then. Time to accept this victory in a calm and dignified manner.

Seriously, that's amazing. I never thought this story would place, much less win. And I believe that's my first gold medal in the writeoffs ever! Thanks to everyone who voted and left comments. I am just irrationally happy right now.

However, I do feel the need to make one minor author-intent clarification about the story. Many readers seem to be under the impression that this is a story about Rainbow coping with grief, learning to be a good person, and ultimately emerging better for the experience. Which was not my intention at all. Rainbow starts a selfish asshole and remains a selfish asshole.

This is a story about Cloudchaser, a slave to an abusive master and an untreated rape victim, finally deciding she can't take it any more and ending her own life to escape.

The explanation that Iea gives Rainbow at the end, "She killed herself because that's what was best for you," is false. Throughout the story, it is established that familiars have the power to refuse an order they're convinced would harm their master. If Cloudchaser really thought that being a worshipful lackey was bad for Rainbow, she could stop doing it. But that wasn't it at all. She didn't kill herself because Rainbow was in pain. She killed herself because she was in pain. And she rationally believed it would never end.

As we see throughout her dialogue, Rainbow considers Cloudchaser an object. She can order Cloudchaser to love her. She can order Cloudchaser to sleep with her. And when that relationship gets real enough she starts to have actual feelings she's not comfortable with, she can order Cloudchaser to change her physical form and never speak of it again. In the early scenes before Rainbow realizes what's wrong, the second Cloudchaser doesn't appear to serve her whims, she gets angry, and later in the scene, she shows that anger through violence.

The disturbing undertones of the story (which were entirely intentional), as well as the unemotional narration, were to build a sense of dissonance between Rainbow's point of view and the reader. The reader knows these characters are people, but Rainbow doesn't, and she refuses to learn.

Twilight gets treated no better. In the breakfast scene where Twilight and Rainbow are talking, Twilight admits that most familiars commit suicide, because they're programmed to love their masters so much, the thought of going on without them hurts too much for them to live. She confesses a fear of "the long dark." She says that she doesn't know how she feels about Rainbow or what her place is in the world. It is a deeply emotional confession of her worries and her existential fears.

And how does Rainbow reply? By going back to talking about herself. Because Twilight is a robot, and why would she ask a robot more about how they're doing? She doesn't ask her chair how it feels about being her chair.

Iea is, as she admits, First Among Slaves. No matter how grand or powerful she appears, she is chained to the masters just as much as her children. And at the moment Rainbow stood before her, nothing she could have said would make Cloudchaser suffer less. The only thing that was up to her is if she wanted to make Rainbow sad and angry by telling her the truth. And so she suggested something that fits well enough. If you don't think about it too much.

And Rainbow fell for it. Because it makes it all about her.


>>MLPmatthewl419
>>AndrewRogue
>>Fenton
>>Zaid Val'Roa
>>Rao
>>CoffeeMinion
>>libertydude

Tag for the above section on author intent. Thanks for your insight. This story will need a lot of rework and polishing before it's ready for FiMFic, so this was super helpful.

I also think it's going to need a lot added. Quite a few scenes were cut for length (the first draft was 10,000 words), and I think it suffered for some of that worldbuilding being removed. There seems to be a need for more detailed worldbuilding, and with only a few more scenes I think that can all be added quite well.

>>Not_A_Hat

To me, this reads like some sort of... redemption story, or coming-of-age thing, with Rainbow growing out of being a selfish asshole into a somewhat better person. The arc there is pretty strong, and I like that you're going for emotional depths, but... the opening really grated on me.

Rest of excellent comment snipped for length...

Yeah, I see what you're getting at here. While this wasn't the author intent (see above) on a rereading, all the stuff you pointed out is a totally valid interpretation of what's there. I think the execution needs to be reworked a bit before this can be published to make the intended point a bit more clear.

Thanks for the insight! Was much helpful. ^_^

>>Zaid Val'Roa

I can see >>Not_A_Hat's issues with Cloudchaser's suicide, but I think it worked well enough. Within her autonomy, she fell in love--or familiar's equivalent of falling in love--with Dash, and when she realised she was no longer the best for Dash, she couldn't cope with going on without her, and, perhaps in a way to ensure Dash's privacy, decided to end her life. It worked for me, but I won't oppose if it gets fleshed out (Hah!) a bit more in the future.

See above for Dash's "character growth," but yeah, I think I'm going to apply a fine layer of polish to this and then put it up on FiMFic. It needs some work, but the feedback was great.


>>Posh

IT IS TIME FOR YOU TO CONSUME THE HAT.

>>Cassius

I also did not expect this to place, much less win!

>>GaPJaxie

Might need:

Less "a fine layer of polish" than "a thick coating of spackle" to make your intent come through to most of us readers... :)

Mike

>>Not_A_Hat. My Little Far Side?

Hmm, okay, yes, Familiar in first place, not surprised. Weather Week a medalist, naturally. And also —

— WHAT THE EVERLOVING FREAKING FLIPPING F▉CK

How did this medal. How did this medal. It's literally the story of how gothic clubbing destroyed the Crystal Empire. One of its major emotional beats is Alice Cooper Eyeliner Luna screaming at an audience about how being dragged to her sister's parties makes her feel like she's bleeding. It veers from borderline mockery of its main characters to a straight-faced tragic ending. It deliberately mutes the climax of its main character arc. If it hadn't been mine, I would have put it 12th out of 16 on my prelims slate.

I was actually kinda onboard for the weird gothic romance ... I just didn't end up liking what you did with it

Mixed feelings about this one.

I feel both extremes with this one ... I don't feel like this coheres ... Tier: Keep Developing

You lose me towards the end

There's a lot of good stuff here! It just didn't quite clinch it for me

these are not things that reviewers say about medalists

And yes, I'm selectively quoting the poorer reviews — but 3/4 of the praise for this came after the prelims, by which point I was pretty convinced that it had scraped by at 9th place and was going to stay there; the later positivity just made me revise my "bottom of finalist tier" prior to "might creep to middle-finalist-pack". I'm pretty much just speechless right now. Made a confident declaration that it would wash out in prelims in Radio Writeoff chat; gonna have to find some crow to eat.

... Anyway.

So yeah. There are things I did love about this, flawed as it was. Agreed that Loveless is one of the major high points here — she kind of snuck into the story around the edges and then demanded a central role, and it was sort of a surprise in hindsight how easily the old-school fae aesthetic meshed with her role (and the gothic tone).

Speaking of Loveless, I can finally reveal the 14 words I was despairing about not including in >>horizon:

"You mentioned a friend," Loveless said. "If you want someone to walk through the darkness with you —" her hoof swept around the room —"this is your best chance to find them."

Paint's eyes strayed back to where Luna was swaying along with the music.

"Just be warned," Loveless added almost casually. "Everyone walks into the darkness alone."

And then changing the final dialogue as they return to the Crystal Empire:

"But I can't —" Pot winced as the wind screamed and nearly took the cloaks from their shoulders —"can't go back there with you. That place is wrong, Paint."

The wind vanished mid-step as they stepped through the barrier of the Crystal Empire. Pot staggered several steps before catching his balance. Paint squinted against the soft glow of the streetlights, lifting a leg to shield his eyes while they readjusted.

"Well," he said quietly, his ears still ringing with the storm outside. "Everyone walks into the darkness alone."

That arrogant misunderstanding of the sacrifices required, plus a steadier transition of Paint accepting his new path (rather than flipping the switch all at once after he gets blackout love-drunk), really helps the story hammer in the currently-incoherent pathos, I think.

And you'll be seeing this one on FIMFiction soon, because I want to enter the final draft in the Lunbra competition. I'll have to figure out how to beat this into shape based on the wide-ranging and very divergent critique above. I'm still not certain how I'll fix the problems many reviewers rightly pointed out, but I'll take a stab at it and hope it doesn't sink whatever's currently working.

ANYWAY.

Congratulations to GaPJaxie for gold — and for, as far as I know, being the first author ever to complete the FIM medal hat-trick (gold, silver, and bronze) without scoring a single ribbon. Holy smokes! There's an achievement for you! Congratulations also to Cold in Gardez for finally completing his set, and becoming only the second author ever to have one of each medal on both OF and pony scoreboards!

Congratulations also to CoffeeMinion for a well-deserved mortarboard, and to everyone for a hard-fought round filled with quality writing. A large part of my medal-less certainty was due to the widespread writing quality, reading fic after fic and saying "this one's better-constructed than the best I could do with a full weekend of work". I was perfectly prepared to say that there's no shame in losing to this competition, which just makes the win all the more meaningful.

But seriously, the vote was clearly rigged. 🤔

I ended up with silver despite Cold's silver-medal curse, and Cold ended up with bronze despite my bronze-medal curse. :-p

>>horizon

I have no idea:

How to read the information Roger supplies to us on the results page, but it occurs to me that, if I'd listened to the little voice in my head that kept telling me Jaxie's story wasn't "Pony enough"--the little voice that I ignored even though it may well have been picking up on the dark and dismal "author's intent" stuff >>GaPJaxie talks about--if I'd paid attention, in other words, I would never have put "Familiar" at the top of my ballot the way I did. Which might've been enough of a change to switch the two stories' placements...

Mike

>>Baal Bunny
Yeah, I'm gonna echo this...

First off, congratulations on a well deserved win! But wow, reading your retrospective, this is one of the most acute "death of the author" moments I've run into. I fell firmly in the camp who believed what CelestAI was saying and who thought Dash had learned some small measure of empathy by the end. I thought there was deep tragedy and horror in Cloudchaser believing she was holding Dash back, and in Dash starting to see how monstrous that whole thought process was... but if that was all just a smokescreen to make Dash GTFO so she could learn nothing, I feel rather differently. :/ I mean, why grant Dash the audience with CelestAI at all if not to show the machines being more human than the person who's lost touch with her humanity?

(Er, insert appropriate pone-versions of the above.)

I guess if you want the audience to take the opposite of that from the story, that's your choice, but the current version IMO doesn't point that way at all.

>>horizon
I think you bring up several good points, particularly in terms of looking at this more from a pony perspective than a real-world context. Your three assumptions are more-or-less sound, and the observation about the weather patterns does certainly does mitigate the idea of the town being totally annihilated.

That being said, it’s what you said about this story relating to culture that really solidified my dislike for this story:

What's actually happening here — if we remove the context of Earth's recent hurricanes, and focus on the text — is pegasi being given permission to cut loose for a short period in order to get in touch with something that is normally suppressed for the convenience of mainstream society. It's little different from, say, pride marches or Burning Man — or, perhaps, grown men going to a convention celebrating a cartoon for little girls, instead of staying at home and being stoic and Masculine and emotionally repressed.

That’s actually a pretty interesting way of looking at it. Trying to express one’s cultural identity in an oppressive atmosphere is definitely a good story idea, and this story does seem to suggest that cultural identity is important.

However, there’s one central problem with the metaphor you provide. What’s the difference between a pride parade or Brony Convention to this story’s situation?

Willing participation. With a convention or parade, one has the explicit choice to participate or not participate. They’re in public locations, and people have the ability to go to or avoid them at their own discretion. In this story, the ponies that live in this town are pretty much stuck with this cultural presentation, even if they didn’t want it. I don’t like the music of Lady Gaga, and I’d be pissed if my town passed a provision that said the entire town must play her songs on repeat for a week. It’s this reason that really makes me find the pegasi unsympathetic, as their cultural presentation forces everypony to participate in it, whether they want to or not.

As for my invoking of Hurricane Irma, it wasn’t so much that I was offended the author was using the subject matter as much as it was using a real-world event that I had experience with to point out why the pegasi were coming across as jerks. As you said, we do need to look at the story from a pony-world perspective, but my point with Irma was that it’s a universal feeling to not want your home damaged, especially when said damage can be completely prevented (as it could be in this universe). Even if your assumption that their houses get wreaked every week is correct, that doesn’t mean they want it to happen every week.

In the end, though, I agree with you that the story has more admirable qualities than I gave in my first posting. I still can’t say I like it, but I can at least understand why others enjoy it.

>>Monokeras
I respect your decision, but wholeheartedly disagree. It only finished low because the execution of the ending rattled people.

Imagine if you will an orchestra. It can play beautifully, with wide climbs and sharp twists, and the audience can be enraptured throughout. But if at the end it ends on a sour note then that will be all people talk about. "It ruined the performance," they will say, "I can't believe I payed money for that." That's not to say that they didn't enjoy the rest of it, only that their final impression was a negative one.

That's what happened with your story. The final note struck sour for a lot of people and that's all they remembered. That's not to say that the rest of the story was bad. I still think you should make a go of it, but the choice is yours in the end. Just know that I'm sad to see it go.

Well of course I wrote this one!




5th place! Thank you guys! The mortarboard doesn't make sense though... isn't that for best new entrant? I'm a lot of things, but not really new…

So yeah, I wrote the Limestone story. Grumpy pone is best pone. Or human, as the case may be. Now I just need other people to start writing her too so I can maintain plausible deniability. :-P

I tend to write the Limestone/Igneous relationship as a semi-idealized version of my relationship with my Oldest, which has its good elements, but to be honest, isn’t always as strong as I wish it was. As such, the Limestone/Cloudy relationship usually gets short shrift in my writing, because the Pie family clearly has some issues, and it’s really easy to make “the other parent” be the more obvious person driving those when you’re (semi-) idealizing the one parent. But that’s not really fair to Cloudy as a character, nor is it a realistic depiction of family dynamics. So with this I wanted to explore Cloudy’s side of things in a deeper way. I tentatively thought that might look like a rather less-idealized version of my relationship with Oldest. Either way, it would let us get to see Cloudy as a person and understand why she influences her family to be the way it is.

...Which, of course, wasn’t what the story ended up like at all. D:

I decided I was going to spend Sunday night writing come (metaphorical) hell or high water. Unfortunately I’d only been able to write the opening by that point, and I knew I didn’t have enough time left to develop both the Lime/Cloudy plot and the action plot. So as I noted in my self-review, there’s a moment where you can see the story pivot as I made the choice to go all-in on the action plot. It's where Limestone hands over the money. And it's painfully contrived, but it let me glue the opener to the rest of the action, which was the best I could realistically hope for at that point.

I did at least manage to work in some things that might’ve been explored more fully in the Lime/Cloudy plot. Employing the show’s virtues of “Harmony” as a quasi-religious concept offers some headcanon for why the Pie family might end up looking like a (stereotypical) insular super-religious IRL family. But more importantly, it lets Limestone demonstrate how a sincere belief in those virtues might lead her to act very differently than Cloudy does because she believes it’s the better way to live the virtues. All of this is more IRL stuff for me, but where Cloudy enforces order in the name of virtue, Limestone instead seeks to apply her virtues to the world she lives in, which is far from orderly. And Limestone doesn’t come away from that unscathed… she doesn’t know that Sunset will eventually get acclimated to the world, and later redeemed, and later will become a hero of the multiverse. Nope, all Limestone knows is that she blew her chance to get a decent bra while maybe helping someone in need.

>>MLPmatthewl419
Glad you liked it. I confess I didn't fully understand your first sentence, though. Was it just about the mix of action and slice-of-life stuff?

>>Not_A_Hat
The Limestone/Cloudy grin moment was supposed to convey that they both feel an urge to fight when pushed. That shared tendency could've been used to explore why they don't always get along--once a spark is lit, neither one of them wants to back down. In this case, they would find mutual purpose in wanting to catch and deal with the thief. But IMO this totally failed to get that across and it just ended up looking weird.

>>Zaid Val'Roa
Yep, it was definitely some: "oh crap I have no time for supporting characters, only Limestone and the action plot."

>>QuillScratch
Thank you for the kind words. ^^ Yep, see above; this was trying to be two things at once but one of those things had to be cut for time and there were still pointers from the other one out into null space.

>>Dubs_Rewatcher

unless her breasts are rocket powered

headcanon accepted

No, seriously, thank you. Given that you helped with my last foray into EqG Limestone, I was glad to see so much of this working for you. I also had a moment of not-mild panic when you replied to my self-review and called me out as the author. :-P To be honest, I've come to hate doing self-reviews, but with only 8 other finalists I figured it'd be possible to review all of them, and at that point it would look pretty obvious that I'd written it if I didn't do one. Maybe I should go back to self-reviewing during prelims when the stakes are lower…

>>Fenton
The mention of her age is definitely something I'd rather get across in a long description on FimFiction rather than embedding it in the story. But I thought it was important to establish that detail because I wanted to help make it clear that we're dealing with a younger Sunset. I'll take this under advisement as I edit this, though.

Also, that Pinkie is ridiculously cute. ^^

>>Posh
What you say makes sense. Also, your reading of the end is dead-on. (Which >>QuillScratch and >>Rao also picked up on… >>Dubs_Rewatcher, she didn’t exactly send Limestone in there, she just realized that Limestone might go in there and decided to let it slide at the time. It’s different though, at least in her head, now that she can see Limestone actually did go in there.)

Also, yes, the pandering. I regret nothing.

>>Rao
I hadn't actually meant the elbows thing to be that, but I love the idea and might steal it. I was going more for Limestone being kind of emotionally ragged and seeking comfort through touch after giving up her money, and Cloudy going "WTF mate?" because she and Limestone just don't have that kind of closeness in their relationship under normal circumstances. Like there are times when I’d just like to give my Oldest a hug because… parenthood, I dunno… but Oldest’s reaction is pretty much, “WTF dad?”

>>MrExtra
Lotsa good feedback and suggestions in here. ^^

>>libertydude
You are clearly a person who knows a good story when they see one. :-P On that note, if you enjoyed EqG Limestone, may I recommend some further reading? :trollestia: :derpytongue2:

>>CoffeeMinion
Ugh, Flash Sentry is in this? I must automatically dislike this story, because a character I don't like in canon can obviously never be improved on in another written work. /s

But in all seriousness, I might sneak a peek. Anything with old Limestone piques my interest.

>>CoffeeMinion
Hrmm... Random thought, so take it or leave it however you like, but if Cloudy asked Limestone to count her money then she would need to take it out, exposing it and the purse to grabbing hands.

I look forward to seeing this again!

The idea of writing a full-length retrospective on this story is, frankly, exhausting. So I'm going to keep this short.

The idea for this story came about after the end of Twin Peaks's recent third season. Given the media hype that's surrounded the show over the last few months, I assumed that there'd be a broader audience for a crossover story between these two properties. I was mistaken, and ended up alienating a large number of my readers. Similarly, readers who were familiar with Twin Peaks were, understandably, disappointed in how I handled that end of things.

I appreciate the positive comments that Garmonbozia garnered, particularly Quill's defense of it in the podcast (in which I learned that nobody knows how to pronounce "garmonbozia" :P), but to be honest, this story just feels like a failure to me. I was not in the best state of mind when I wrote it, and, like I said, cobbled it together in a series of fervent, disjointed writing sessions over the course of the last day before the deadline. I made virtually no edits or changes to the rough draft, and it shows through in how poorly proofread and formatted it is (also, at one point, Adagio is referred to as Aria; did nobody catch that? I was mortified when I caught that). And the dialogue and narration could certainly have benefited from at least one thorough pass.

Further, my use of the Twin Peaks property feels disingenuous. As noted in the podcast, Twin Peaks is a show which leans heavily on symbolism, and on the viewer's interpretation of that symbolism; David Lynch leaves things very open-ended so that his viewers can draw their own connections and read their own meanings into things. By contrast, the elements from Twin Peaks which I use in this story are prescriptive; the symbolic meaning is absent.

It's Lynchian imagery, without Lynch's subtlety, or the freedom for the reader to assign their own meaning to the symbols. And that's why, I think, this story is a failure. I don't believe I'll revisit it for FiMfiction, at any point. I'm gonna just leave it where it lies.

A couple of responses:

>>Rao

The bit with the unicorn does confuse me a bit still, but on second reading I think maybe she's a trap for Sunset. My case:
1) The unicorn glows in the same manner described by the vagrant in the beginning, meaning it's probably something from that mirror[1] world
2) It follows (heh) her around, its hoofbeats tempting her attention away from the mission at hand
3) Dale makes it very clear that the ring isn't for her, so it's clearly not some projection or manifestation from herself.

Case against: The Fireman asked Dale to help, and for what reason I can't quite say why. Also doesn't make sense in the context of Aria receiving a vision of how to find Adagio in the first place, but... so maybe not. I'm stumped. Still cool and weird.

I'm just gonna go whole-hog with this and explain what's going on here:

Adagio was captured by the inhabitants of this netherrealm (the Black Lodge, in the show), who intend to feed on her ongoing pain and suffering. The Fireman is a benevolent spirit who appears to be opposed to the Lodge's spirits; in the show, he's known as the Giant, and helps Agent Cooper (Dale) with his investigation into the murder of Laura Palmer. He contacts Aria, and gives her the means to enter the Lodge and find Adagio. Knowing, however, that the Lodge has a tendency of swallowing mortals' souls if they face it with "imperfect courage," he gets Agent Cooper to act as a guide for them. Without his guidance, Sunset would have been overtaken by her doppelganger, and would have been trapped in the Lodge indefinitely while her doppelganger roamed free in the real world. (**TWIN PEAKS SPOILER**which happens to Coop at the end of the series' first run**TWIN PEAKS SPOILER**). That may, in fact, have been the Lodge spirits' plan from the get-go. The Fireman, and Coop, upended their plans by ensuring that Aria, Sunset, and Adagio made it out in one piece.

>>AndrewRogue

Coffee line is too on the nose.

Yes. Yes, it is.

>>Not_A_Hat's and >>horizon's reviews, I think, are pretty much spot-on, and Hat's, in particular, I ended up agreeing with the most out of all the comments.

Thanks to everyone who read, enjoyed, and pushed this into the finals.

.elihwneaM .sraey evif-ytnewt ni niaga uoy ees ll'I

>>Monokeras
I don't think the ending has to change per say, so much as it needs to avoid such a hard right turn tonal wise. Make the turn, sure, but give us a little time to digest one sudden shift before the next.

In service to that, it might be useful to think about who Death was trying to fool with his display. Twilight was already on board so I feel like it would be strange to hoodwink her, unless it's in service of hoodwinking another.

Twilight gets thrown out, that's all well and good. Let her mope for a bit before Death shows up again. Have him give her a half truth/fiction explanation/performance, let Twilight rail on him for a moment while giving credence to Celestia's negative impression of Death, and then boot Twilight into that nearby hole so she lands back in time. Give Twilight a moment to orient herself and realize that, yes that did actually just happen and wasn't a dream. Maybe give her some physical proof, like an 'IOU' from Death that burns up in front of her and a scar as a reminder of her promise, and let her do her thing. Then the whole moment of resolution with sappy "I can't believe you're still alive"s while everyone else is confused.

Give that ample time to play out while remembering that Twilight doesn't feel victorious at the end. Death got Twilight's hopes up only to basically kill Fluttershy a second time. Twilight just went through a roller coaster ride of hope, despair, anger, confusion, panic, and relief. She. Is. A. Mess. And now that Fluttershy and Rainbow are safe there's nothing holding those emotions in check. It's gonna get on everyone and nobody knows why this unicorn, who was so happy a second ago, is now panicked out of her mind. And she can't tell anyone.

For the final scene after the spelling mistake, maybe have Death look up at a lens? "Smile and wave for the camera." Some sort of nod as to why he needed to enact the subterfuge other than just for laughs, cause that's how it kind of came off as the first time.

Like I said. The bones of the story are good and you did a good job seeding lots of little tidbits throughout. Now is the time for the pay off. Leaving them unresolved invites a storm of "But... but why?!"s from the audience, and leaving too many is dangerous for a story. It might have a happy ending, but beatings still apply and everyone has an angle.

Also: This is only my interpretation of how I would have had things play out. The story is, in the end, yours. My suggestions are only that, and I look forward to seeing what you do with the story.

P.S. - Rainbow is definitely gonna be pissed at Twilight for messing up her trick, and then confused and guilty with Twilight's reaction.

P.P.S. - I think of the moment Twilight catches Rainbow as the climax, so you might think of beefing that up some. It was really thin in the original.

P.P.P.s - I wonder... Did Celestia call in a favor for her student?

>>GaPJaxie
Yeah. Finally got around to reading this. Took too long for a story this good. I can't believe it didn't end up on my slate. I don't really have too much to say about this though. It hit a bit close to home for me and that made it almost a little too visceral. Good job.

I will say that the last line was really good. It struck a note of dissonance with me that was really galvanized by your explanation in the comments. "I'll be fine" isn't something you say about your friend dying, but you might say about your dog. Or your car.

I look forward to reading the entire piece, although with some trepidation.

>>CoffeeMinion
The reveal part was because of Sunset, and I was a little tired and couldn't think straight when I wrote it. Needless to say, it's confusing. Even I'm confused a little about my own comment.

The rest was just the slice of life and action mix.

>>MrExtra
Thanks a bunch!

>>Garzeel Naw, there's nothing about your style that took anything away from my enjoyment of the overall story. I really like many things about your writing, and I think the style suits the subjects and setting here. You did a good job with descriptive passages illustrating each scene. And I get the sense that you truly care about these characters, which helps me to care about them too! I *love* the paragraphs that describe Silver's laughter and voice and appearance when Palette first meets her. I found it one of the most beautiful and evocative passages among so many that I've read this round.

I'm working on refining my style, too, and trying to get better at editing myself. Lifelong struggle. :) I wish you the best in finding the voice that works best for you.

Two of these in a row. Let's go.

Uh. So this one another one where I got the idea pretty quick (though I did hem and haw on doing a changeling story about the background changeling who wasn't sure what color they wanted to be - I just figured a lot of other people might take that tact, so that'll show me, eh).

But yeah. I've been wanting to do something with Mayor Mare and her pink hair, so this was a real good chance.

That said, what I ended up actually writing was different.

So, originally, the idea was a story told from MM's perspective about dealing with a sense of sacrifice and being trapped by her need to present herself as she does (and originally also included elements of doubt and regret regarding how Twilight and her friends have displaced her in many ways), and then resolve it the way I always do: with SHIPPING.

Yeah, I was gonna do a bit of random shipping. I actually randomed it initially (and landed on Rarity), but as I thought more I decided that Pinkie was actually a really solid choice. And then I got the awesome and stupid double entendre title for shipping. Easy, right?

Turns out not so easy. So I specifically angled for a shorter story this go round so I would have less trouble regarding time. That caused some trouble as I wrote though, realizing I didn't quite like how the story was arcing content-wise to cover the more complicated elements of MM's current position and mixing that with developing a relationship with Pinkie and... and...

So, taking a look at what I had and how the story was arcing, I made a last minute swerve and opted to make Pinkie the main character and slice a lot of the meat (including the heavier shipping) out. It let me get things done, but not without a cost.

>>Zaid Val'Roa Yep, see above. That was my plan and I ran like a coward.

>>Fenton I'm a bit surprised I did decent Pinkie voicing apparently, because I found her a royal pain in the ass to voice (and I'm generally not great at imitation - its why I tend to stick to background ponies or secondary ponies).

>>WillowWren Thank you kindly!

>>GaPJaxie Yeah, I don't really disagree that, with the story as is, needed to be shorter.

>>MLPmatthewl419 Thank you kindly!

>>Cold in Gardez No disagreements here. This ended up being pure, WAFF fluff. There was a little more meat in the version I didn't write, but c'est la vie!

>>CoffeeMinion Lack of

---

tags was actually intentional in that section, as, ostensibly, that is all still from a Pinkie POV so we haven't had a hard scene change. And yeah, I should have stuck with 3 beats.

>>Rao So I tend to watch episodes with the relevant characters in them while writing, and that was indeed one of the episodes I watched, which meant it was very much on my mind to not just duplicate Pinkie's actions there.

>>libertydude See far above re: MM's depression. Totally was my intent, but I wussed out. Maybe in V2 of this fic.

>>MrExtra Free Indirect Speech is fun! Not sure I could have managed more Pinkie though.

>>GaPJaxie
>>Light_Striker
>>Not_A_Hat
>>Baal Bunny
>>Rao
That took some time, but the slightly polished, reworked, and rearranged version of this story is now up on FiMFic. It'll be updating daily until Halloween.

https://www.fimfiction.net/story/344929/the-summer-sun-incident

I hope you'll give it a look. ^ ^