This is a solid mystery with good foreshadowing, where every section adds another puzzle piece. It also reminds me more than a little of a few stories I've written (As Long As You Both Shall Live, for one).

I'm not sure I agree with >>Zaid Val'Roa that the story ends at the wrong place, but the ending does need more horse words. The conclusion feels rushed and somewhat incomplete because it finishes up right as you get into the meat of the moral considerations.

I'd like to see some more details on things that have happened in the past, Twilight's past in particular. Giving her a couple of marriages followed by being single for a century could help to underscore the mystery of Shining Armor's rejuvenation being highly unusual.

Oh, what fun.

I've complained a lot on this site about characters having their personalities painted over with silliness in order to get a few cheap laughs. That's not a problem at all with this story. The Mane 6 et Starlight feel very much like themselves here, even if they're dealing with something much more morbid than they ever will on our television screens. And, like the show, this shit is hilarious.

Trick makes a good point that the tone promised at the beginning isn't comedy, so some revisions to make the funny come earlier (maybe even in the opening sentence?) could go a long way here. But, that said, I didn't have any trouble settling into the comedy once it came.

The only other thing I found strange was the discussion of Twilight's relationship with the concept of taxes. Rarity brings it up out of the blue for some reason I can't discern, it doesn't seem to add much to the conversation, and then we move on rather abruptly to Fluttershy. I'm not sure what it has to do with the task at hand.

But all in all this will rank very high on my slate, so good job, you, and thanks for writing!

This was a cute scene, but the payoff was really weak. This was about the most predictable pun you could have gone with, and it doesn't make any sense that Twilight would be murderously angry for what is at worst a mild inconvenience (flying a few miles?). I'm not sure I understand why Twilight should be upset at all, let alone upset at Flash rather than Discord.

That said, the foreshadowing was done well and the mood (though exaggerated) well established.

Oddly, the newcomer hummed with undue nonchalance. “A few things.”

Was that a giggle? Daring frowned.

No, it was a chuckle. With undue nonchalance. Daring, you're a writer; you must know the difference.

This is... at present, anyway... the best I've read of the stories on my slate. Granted, I haven't gotten through that many, so that's liable to change, but I enjoyed the writing and the solid character work. I can't really comment on the Japanese mythology being incorporated in here, and I think Xeph hit a lot of the technical points pretty well. For my part, I'll say that the story wraps up a little too quickly? And that Daring's arc doesn't feel played to completion; I don't really get the sense that she's resolved her sense of malaise by the end of the story.

Just that she's made a friend.

(Although this version of Mistmane is infinitely more compelling than the one from the cartoon, so, props to the writer for taking a mediocre character and doing something interesting with her)

Genre: The Incredibles 2

Thoughts: This all feels so random to me! We've got straight-playa-Braeburn, and SunBurn, and maybe-ace-but-suddenly-not Applejack, and then a guest appearance by The Underminer! Plus Braeburn gets powers! And Fluttershy can't talk to Moleman until suddenly she can!

Look, I love taking seemingly random concepts and playing them super-straight and building a satisfying story out of that. You could argue that I do a bit too much of that, in fact. :-p But I feel like this swerves a bit too wildly from new thing to new thing right now, which makes it hard for me to distil this down into what I'm supposed to take from it. What is the heart of this story? Help me see that through the story itself. I think maybe there's an underlying angle of Applejack needing to... open up to the concept of teenage sexytime? Is that what I'm getting here? That's kinda what I'm getting here. (Which you could argue is kinda insensitive to her if she's really not interested in that.)

Nevertheless, this is currently sitting at #2 on my slate. For all the stuff it just throws out there and moves on from, It's actually a pretty interesting read. I wouldn't recommend that authors should bank on achieving the X-factor of readability when there are things to shore up from a world- and character-building perspective, but nevertheless, I think this is immensely readable.

Author, please forgive me; I don't want to dump on your work. It's possible that I'm just not in your target audience. But I do feel strongly that a lot more time is spent reminiscing about Braeburn's sexy hijinks than on helping to develop his relationship with Sunset. It's clear enough that they're together, but why? Contrast this with Fluttershy's attraction, which I think you do a much more thorough job of presenting, explaining, and weaving into the fabric of the story.

Tier: Almost There

This is another strong entry among some pretty strong entries. But this one does elevate itself a little through its careful emotion and excellent prose. The ending hit me good, so great job!

I agree with what has been already mentioned, especially with Grandpa's strange withholding of information. One other gripe I had was that the narration to be overly tell-y at times, and I would have preferred to see Goldie's emotions for myself rather than have her explain them all for me.

Also, it would have been nice to have some concrete examples of Grandpa's stellar work before we see the lantern. His introduction, while pleasantly told, is too vague for me to really believe how brilliant he is. If you could wow me with a little more of his background in the opening paragraph, instead of talking about "tools and trinkets", I would have been sold on his prowess a lot faster, and enjoyed the story that little bit more.

But this is overall quite good. Well done and good luck!

P.S. kind of a minor thought that I wouldn't necessarily call a mistake, but is just something I thought of: Does the word "handle" belong in Equestria, given its etymology?

So I've done a little reading and it looks like the first three paragraphs of my first comment are basically me griping about a universe that you, Author, didn't come up with. So feel free to ignore those paragraphs (or all of them, of course). And thanks to Trick for pointing this out to me.

But I do think that writing in fan-universes is risky in this competition due to people like me who have never heard of them. But then this does seem to be a pretty expansive universe, so I could be the only one out of the loop. It wouldn't be the first time.

The big reveal scene at the end reminds me a lot of a similar reveal in The Venture Bros.

I didn't take play-by-play notes on this, as I was reading on a plane, but... this story took only a few minutes to pique my interest, and kept the intrigue going solidly the whole way. The pacing was great, and the variety of little oddities (like Twilight LITERALLY not talking) really fleshed out a version of the world where all this made sense.

My main critique would be that we're not really shown what limitations magic has, so the ending feels a bit frustrating due to the specific solution Cadance found. That she can travel through time, and copy an entire pony, including their memories, multiple times... Yet she can't restore later memories to a younger body, or merely "reverse aging" or similar. I'm not saying that's a dealbreaker for the story, but these seem like they'd be "easier" than what she ended up doing. And, story wise, "solutions" like this need to come from a problem that's been boxed in through other details in the story, otherwise it just feels arbitrary. Deus ex drama, if you will.

Regardless, it's still a great story, and up at the top end of my slate.

I can't help but be reminded of the protagonist from "The Shape of Water" here as I read about our mute White Lightning. Thankfully there were no strange fish-ponies. :-)

This story was an interesting one. Very well written, such that it just flew by as I read it. But at the end, I feel like it was struggling to decide what it was about. First off, the prompt feels quite-literally "tacked on" as it's dropped literally in the last sentence, and nothing else in the story at all seems to connect to it.

Next, the insight into the way White's mind works seemed initially to be one of the story's strong points. The descriptions of lightning in her head, and how her thoughts fell into place and fought each other, etc. All great metaphors for someone that appears to be a bit neuro-atypical and I really wanted to see how that would come into play.

But then the story seems to lose focus on that, and deal with this cliche "over ambitious boss" with Crafty. He's cast a sort of villain in White's personal life. Then he starts making public speeches, and talking about Pegasus Pride and other vaguely racist stuff, making the story feel like its veering into politics. That continues for a while...

Then the story becomes a mystery, as White tries to find out what he's up to. She asks around Ponyville multiple times, and yet nothing is revealed and nothing new is learned. So that "mystery" just kinda goes away.

Then the big storm happens, and we see White throw herself in the path of danger to save people. But she does it just because... There's clear connection to the earlier themes. There's no using her mental tricks to deduce how to safely stop it, there's no finally understanding other ponies enough to talk them about of joining Crafty's petition... She just does it.

Then the last part, with Crafty being somewhat sympathetic... Okay, maybe that could be good character development, but we don't see any of it, beyond that White smells desperation, we don't know what's in his mind. So this scene is just an afterthought. The book gift is a nice gesture, but as we never knew what she was reading before, this doesn't seem particularly interesting as a reveal when the title is shown either.


Overall, there were a lot of interesting pieces in this, but they don't feel like they come together strong enough, or really relate the prompt.

As has been mentioned this felt a little aimless. Both of these characters are basically background in the show, so any/all personality has to come from the story as written here, making it more difficult to sympathize with either of them. Ditzy seems to flip back and forth from adoring psuedo-daughter hanging on every word, lesson, etc. and rebellious teen determined to not care. Moving once from one to the other is fine, but... It just seems to be scattered.

Minuette is easier to grasp, and old mare that just wants to die, and is a bit stubborn at the end.

The ending is a decent hook, and fits nicely with the title and prompt. The problem I think I have is that almost all the rest of the story seems to exist only to drop that one last scene. So many of the descriptions about ponies they met, or other adventures that happened feel like filler. As >>Trick_Question said, it's very much telling and not showing. Any of those adventures sounds like a more interesting story than this talking-heads scene in a field.

Now, all that said, I still somewhat enjoyed this. I like some of the headcanon shown with where Derpy and Dinky came from, though having Doctor NOT be Doctor Who (but just a pony that figured out time travel) feels like a cop-out. At the end, what I really want to see, is that story about them saving Derpy and Dinky, and the emotional impact when they can't save everyone else. THAT sounds like a much stronger story.

I think what I'd like to see more of here is motivations. The story idea is good, and the structure is mostly sound - although, tbh, I'd have started on the day of the festival, since it's a much better hook, then flashed back to the sex/dream, which would also, I think have let you set motivations for why Shining is doing this a lot more cleanly.

I think Zaid's complaint about the ending is also wrapped up in motivations; Shining has had most of the story to work through his motivations for discovering what's happened and how he feels about it, (although I think you could go deeper; the strongest thing here is the 'seeing Flurry grow up' thing, and I think more could help) but Cadence's motivations are really only brought up in the end to any extent, and I think expanding on that with more throughout the story would help. Show how lost she would feel without him, and how she's unwilling/unable to move on, stuff like that.

The motivation stuff especially feels off on the visit to the doctor; it didn't seem clear to my why he was doing it, except for a sense of curiosity. Maybe tying in the 'planned' bit would help - he's offered that tidbit fairly early on, but he doesn't make much of it until the ending. If the gardener came first, then he put some thought into what it meant, then he could go to the doctor...

Anyways, it's a pretty good story. I think the flow could use some work, and that a good way to do that would be to focus on the motivations of the characters, but it's clean and readable and I enjoyed it. Good work.

Right off the bat, I found myself scratching my head with this story, Writer. You switch between past and present tense in the very first sentence, a trend that continues throughout the rest of the story. It also took you six paragraphs to actually name Castellan’s wife after you introduce her.

However, what I found most distracting was the abruptly shifting and often contradictory emotional states of the characters in this story. Take, for example, your second paragraph.

The bed creaked underneath his weight when he sat himself up, watching as the sun crested the distant hills. Like always, he smiled at it through the grimace leaking between his teeth. Like always, his eyelids fluttered in protest. Like always, there was a stir in his back, one fixed with him giving it a light stretch. The sunlight between his windows merely cackled, and though he had half a mind to tell it off, there was nothing to be gained from screaming at the orange-colored sky, especially since his voice didn’t have the rich timbre as it had so effortlessly flaunted before. Casting his daily blasphemies into the wash basin, he freshened himself up and gathered his saddlebags before trotting downstairs, smiling when the savory aroma of pumpkin potage swirls into his snout. “Breakfast smells wonderful!”

Let’s address what you’re trying to convey here. Castellan is being portrayed as someone who hates getting up in the morning, perhaps has trouble sleeping, and generally has an antagonistic relationship with the sun. He’s getting up in his years, and as a curmudgeon is wont to do, he curses into his washbasin as he washes up. This is a reasonably good introduction to the character, if a bit verbose. However, bookending this section, he’s smiling. Smiling at the sun that represents all of his problems, and smiling at the smell of the breakfast we learn in the very next paragraph he has no time to eat (which also doesn’t make sense, because it’s clear a listless Celestia isn’t going anywhere for a good long while once we finally meet her). Why is he smiling? There’s no element of stubborn cheerfulness to his personality anywhere else in the story, so it’s inconsistent to have him vacillate between positive and negative mindsets multiple times in a single paragraph.

This inconsistency is at its worst in the first conversation between Castellan and Celestia. His emotions and actions are all over the map, shifting from his initial apprehension and concern for Celestia’s wellbeing to deference to near obsequiousness to irritation to indignation to oh-silly-me to outrage. I can almost see a throughline for all of these emotional states upon multiple re-readings of this section, but the first time through I was completely baffled.

As a side note, I’m not sure what you’re trying to say when Castellan wants Celestia to stop wallowing in “this fetid slough.” If he’s referring to the study, as written he’s just being a dick, since the room isn’t described as especially filthy - just a little dark, with some extra papers stacked on the desk and extra books stacked in the corner. If he’s referring to the lesser-used definition of slough, “a situation characterized by lack of activity or progress,” you might want to remove the word “fetid” as a descriptor, since that’s usually used in association with the swamp definition for the word. It’s what made me initially think the room was a proper pigsty, and left me wondering if I’d missed something.

Anyways, all that said, I like the core of this story. Like >>Miller Minus, I’m partial towards stories that try to shed some light on the years between Nightmare Moon’s banishment and her millennium-later return, and having a steward to the throne be the one to shake some sense into Celestia is a novel approach. Try to pick a particular tone and make the rest of the story consistent with it, and with some polish this could be a real gem.

Best of luck, Writer!

Man, I'm normally against said-isms, but that "Twilight opined" fits her character and what she's doing so well, I rather liked it.

Overall, this was pretty good; the dialogue was smooth, the characters were well presented, there were strong emotional stakes... however, I feel like the connections between the first half and the second half were a bit tenuous. I'd have liked to see a stronger resolution for Rumble/Thunderlane, and Rumble/Eddy. There's a hint of it there, but the conclusion doesn't feel... well, conclusive enough for me to be really satisfied? That being said, I don't think this story is missing anything, or confused or bored me, I just think it could be stronger with more recursion and conclusion. Thanks for writing!

Hey, Author. I hope you're doing well. I'm, uh... I'm afraid I'm going to be the dissenting opinion here. Based on the comments above, it looks like I might not have been in your target audience. But I still think hearing from someone outside your target audience can be helpful, so I'll leave my thoughts with you anyways for you to interpret as you wish.

I have three main concerns I'd like to get to. First, the writing is kind of plain. There are a lot of sentences that follow the same structure, the dialogue feels flat, and the story rarely appeals to the senses. It started to feel like a report of Ocellus's adventure after awhile. I just didn't find the style engaging, on the whole.

My second concern, which is the big one here, is that the premise you've chosen is one that doesn't have any rules. You have a time-traveller who is not restricted by any paradoxes or any limit to her power (seemingly), and about halfway through the story you establish that she could be literally anyone she meets. Because of this, the story comes across as one scene written after the other in sequence without much outlining beforehand and without any end goal in mind, because you didn't need to have one. Literally anything can happen! There's a reason we have rules like paradoxes—if we ignore them, and let a time-travelling character do literally whatever they want, then the author gets to do literally whatever they want. I'm going to be honest, it feels like you're cheating.

Call me lame, but I like it when a story has rules, because then I can be following along with the plot and even guessing what's going to happen next. And, most importantly to me, I can be checking to see if everything is making sense so far. And when it does make sense, I'm hugely satisfied. I'm in awe at complex plots that set up their rules and then work their way around them. This story simply can't engage me like that.

And both of these points lead me to my third point: the comedy fell sort of flat for me, because the writing is plain and, let's be honest, this is a comedy fic that only has one main joke: X is a changeling Ocellus.

And don't get me wrong—that shit is hysterical, and it's an incredibly clever idea. I really do think it's awesome. But it's been stretched through the entire story and consistently escalated to a point where it's not funny anymore and is kind of predictable.

I'm not surprised the story ended the way it did. It was the escalation of the one core joke as far as it could go (shy of having everyone change into Ocellus, hanging her heads in shame), and then it's done.

Thanks for reading this comment. No matter what I say, there's a lot of people enjoying this story, so like I said, it clearly isn't my jam. At the end of the day I hope I've given you something to think about, even if it is just, "Christ, this Miller guy's a bit of a tosser."

Thanks for writing and best of luck to you!

Amusing in its own right, but the time travel shenanigans and the constant looping paradoxeseseses...seseseseseseses get hard to follow after a time, and not really in a way that suits the story. While I thought that the implication that several, possibly every, canon character was actually Ocellus in disguise was hilarious, the way that the story takes to get to that point feels confusing.

Beyond that, the opening with Chancellor Neighsay seems... of questionable relevance, in hindsight, and the blatant shift from detailed narration to paragraphs of Sparknotes-esque summary doesn't serve the story at all.

I recently finished Neil Gaiman's "Norse Mythology", and after reading the first few paragraphs of this story, I was ready to dive into some delicious campy fable of titanic feats enveloping a nougaty moral message for all ages to enjoy.

It's probably unfair to say that I was hoping to read something more along those lines, with Rockhoof wielding his mighty hammer shovel, carving out entire valleys in a day, only to discover that he can't solve all his problems that way. That's not the kind of story you were aiming for, but that's the kind of story it was shaping up to be with your style of storytelling. And it's certainly a style you have a very solid grasp of, make no mistake! (That I'm comparing you to some of Neil Gaiman's work is definitely a compliment).

I love the style you use, and the message you're aiming to convey is a good one, especially for young foals to learn. But I think young foals would get confused or bored around your boldfaced philosophy. They'd rather be hearing about Rockhoof smashing mountains to bits with his shovel, or some other mythical feats with moral dilemmas worked into them. Since Rockhoof is a canonically real character, you might have been aiming for a more believable story. But I wouldn't be surprised if, over time, stories about him began to include mythical feats after many re-tellings, similar to figures like Paul Bunyan or John Henry. Once again, that's probably not the type of story you were trying to tell, but I personally think the elements of morality+fable work better when you imagine your audience is made up of all ages, especially children.

Overall, I liked the strong storytelling voice and the expanded tale of Rockhoof. I wish there were more exploding mountains, but maybe that's just me.

As others have pointed out, the "comedy" doesn't really come across here. But... I'd argue this isn't really a comedy. Yeah, there's some funny moments, but this is really a pretty genuine and accurate slice-of-life in my opinion. It's just that the lives in question are, by their nature, of the more extraordinary side. Ridiculous danger is part of that.

I really loved the opening and middle parts of this. The way each of the characters was reluctant to deal with the issue, the way Starlight and Twilight had friendly-maybe-more moments, the way Dash wants to be stuffed and mounted and AJ gets the the joke in her head... all fantastic.

What doesn't stick for me is the ending. A second volcano is... a comedic reach I guess, which on its own might work, see as it's lampshaded pretty well. But that none of the others have done their paperwork is basically a "duh" so watching the slow reveal on that, and with Twilight trying to change the plan to keep those that didn't safe... that felt out of place. She knows they didn't do it. When the first one says they didn't, she's smart enough to just assume none of them did right away.

I'm afraid I don't immediately have a suggestion to improve that. But I think, if you can find a way to end with the same realistic reactions the rest of the story does so well, it'd be stronger. Maybe some other sort of similar (but new) type of problem might work.

Anyway, a good read, just needs to stick the landing and it'll be gold.

So, I like the Optimalverse... it's actually the thing that got me into Pony in the first place. The problem is, even with the decent recap at the start for those that aren't familiar... I'm not sure if this works without all the depth of knowledge from that universe. As Miller points out, it feels like a very non-pony story otherwise.

That said, WITH knowledge of the 'verse... This is still a bit of a rough one for me. I like the start, as it jumps in quickly to set up Norrie's version of paradise, but the central problem "you don't know what you really want" has been done a lot in other Optimalverse stories (and in non-pony fic.) This story doesn't really feel like it adds much new there. Most of the exposition doesn't come from the characters self-discovery either, she just marches up to CelestAI and demands answers, and then the computer-goddess just spews them out. While it's not wrong, it just isn't an exciting way to showcase the points being made.

The ending also... yeah, if you have an epilogue like that, it should be to twist it or point at something, not just to make it MORE ambiguous. At least, IMHO.

Still, decently well written, and not a bad read for a quick one-shot.

The start of this story dumps a lot of info and new characters on us, which gets a not confusing. It was hard to remember which name went with what character when they spoke up later. I had to scroll back up to go "is that the kid or the old guy?" Maybe give a little bit of description along with the dialog each time, so it blends in easier.

Beyond the confusion, this reads fairly cleanly, with consistent pacing. It didn't really hook me though as the story is basically the archetypal stage fright tale, and for the most part is rather linear and predictable. To the point where I was originally going to criticize Posey as being a Fluttershy clone, and thus pretty much interchangeable with Moondancer herself. That of was actually Fluttershy could be used to much greater effect. Instead, it feels like Posey could've done the same job with no twist needed.

All that said, the character descriptions are strong, and the interactions feel very realistic for a writer's group. I think I just wanted more of a payoff or to see something new in the archetype.

I like the weirdness in this one. The alien aspects of the Angel, the lack of a defined setting or character names, the vague, strange descriptions; it's all a bit different, and that was fun. Well, at times it does make things hard to follow; I'm still curious about stuff like... what the yellow seed-pod was, or why this pony is a carnivore, but on the whole, I did like the weirdness of it all. And in the end, I think I was mostly able to piece together what was happening.

What I'd like to see more of, personally, is an overall theme or meaning to the narrative. I'm glad it's not a story about immortal ennui, but I also feel like there could be some sort of overarching thought or intent here, and that having one (or having it made clearer - it's entirely possible you intended one and I totally missed it) would make the story stronger as a whole. As-is, it's an interesting narrative, but it doesn't seem that meaningful when all is said and done. Which is a bit of a shame, because there's definitely some evocative scenes in here; the battle where the angel seems to be helping both sides, the MC being forced to choose between living and her daughter, stuff like that.

It's an intriguing narrative, I just think it could be a better story, I guess? Still, good work, thanks for writing!

This is a colorful story, but I think it leaves too many open questions.

A deity so powerful it can destroy universes and move between them uses technology to evolve ponies. Why is it doing this? Why save one pony initially rather than the entire herd?

How are these primitive ponies fighting against heat-seeking warheads? Is there a second deity controlling another pony army? Where did this army come from?

The writing is good and the ideas interesting, but I really don't understand what's happening or why. I think you should focus on this because it's clearly in your head.

I'm also not sure how this story relates to MLP. I don't see any MLP mythos in this, or friendship, or anything to connect the show to the tale.

Also, "it's back" should be "its back".

>>Miller Minus

Does the word "handle" belong in Equestria, given its etymology?

It does. There are limits to how many words you can horsify, even if you're a stickler like me.

For the story, the conflict is very strange. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, but Brae getting magic comes out of left field and feels contrived. I'm not sure the conflict actually adds to the story you're trying to tell. If you want the conflict to fit, you need to add something that it creates that wouldn't have happened had AJ and Fluttershy simply walked through the orchard talking.

Other commenters have mentioned this, but it's worth repeating. You have a problem with accent affectations in your writing. It's a difficult thing to get right (it took me a long time to learn it myself), and you have a lot of work to do to get there.

Here's a tip: if a character wouldn't write something on paper, don't write it for their words. Applejack wouldn't pen "nunna", and when anypony says "none of" it sounds like "nunna" anyway so there's no difference. So she should say "none of" like a normal person. She might write "fixin' to get", but she wouldn't write "afore".

Another thing is you seem to mistaking bad grammar for Southern speech. Nopony from the South says "I's" or "has I".

The real trick to doing affected speech is to rely on word choices, not word substitutions. Southern speech is hospitable: Applejack apologizes and uses more politeness than the other characters in the show. You should let her speech come through in ways that reflect her personality. This requires more effort and results in a more subtle tone, but it's what you should be aiming for.

bookplayer writes some very good Applejack dialogue. I strongly recommend checking her stories out.

This is a cute slice-of-life with decent character development. It also hits me close to home for reasons I'd rather not go into right now. I don't have any real complaints about the story itself, except it might be nice to start at a different point, maybe when Twilight arrives home, so we can see the setting established less chaotically.

The biggest flaw by far here is technical. You need more experience with writing in English, and that's just going to take time and effort—there's no easy fix. You might want to get somepony to go line by line through your work and point out every little detail, because there's a lot you need to learn.

One large thing: put spaces between paragraphs. You either need to indent or line-space paragraphs, and space isn't a premium online so spaces are preferred. The number one thing writing should be is clear and easy to read, and clarity is something you should be pushing for as you learn.

And that's all nineteen, including my own.

Overall, I was pleased by the quality of stories in this round. There were a few standouts that really made me think and feel, which good stories should do. It was hard to rank at the bottom of the slate: most of the stories I ranked low had technical problems (which isn't the main reason why I normally low-rank a story) but the underlying stories were still very interesting and thought-provoking. There wasn't anything I really didn't enjoy.

I hope my feedback has been helpful. Don't take what I write as feedback too seriously if I come off as being condescending. I tend to get carried away in the heat of the moment when I see a minor suggestion.

"Oh wow, okay... Well, ummm... Hello, new paradox! At least that explains why you chose Barnstormer."

"Why is that?"

"Because I did! We both came back and did the same thing, because we're both nearly the same changeling!"

It was right around here that I started to lose the thread of what Ocellus had done and what she still needed to do to actually fix things, back when I thought she still had a chance of doing so. Having just finished the story, though, I realize that this is when Ocellus herself started to lose track, too, so it still works. ^^

I had to go back to the beginning to see if there was any foreshadowing for how things played out, and indeed there was, so subtle I completely overlooked it the first time through. Also, it’s pretty neat in retrospect that the entire story is actually from Ocellus’ perspective, though that opening bit with the Chancellor doesn't seem to do much other than be a sly way to introduce that foreshadowing. Still, brilliant work, Writer!

My two bits on the ending is I suspect that Ocellus is just messing with herself, because the implications of her actually being Princess Celestia are pretty dire. Like, how much of a farce is reality itself if basically everyone in the show is one solitary changeling pantomiming a civilization? And for whose benefit? Though that would explain Discord’s persistently cheeky attitude…

>>Trick_Question

And that's all nineteen, including my own.

That awkward moment when you gotta leave actual feedback on your own submission...

>>MLPmatthewl419
I always use random.org to choose the order in which to add my own story to the list of reviews.

In my potentially biased assessment.. it would seem that the Angel is serving the same figurative role of the monolith in Arthur C Clark's "2001: A Space Odyssey," and the lifetime of the young pony reflects the uplift from mindless apes to intelligent hominids.

The technological progression pointed out earlier is a bit of a misnomer, since the Angel can give the pony certain small bits of technology - knowing that they will be there to serve a simple purpose, and then be lost forever. The ponies level of advancement is still fairly primitive, but obviously encouraged by the Angel. Still, credit where credit is due, the cream colored pony was a fast learner, and a very curious individual.

If you're selectively breeding a crop - you look for the very best one out of the bunch to start the next generation.


The surprising dietary choices of this pony might have been more of a metaphorical progression from her younger days. Where she was previously preyed upon by the creatures of the forest, she is now on a more equal footing. On a physiological note, while horses and ponies are nominally herbivorous, they can eat meat and digest protein. You could compare this to humans before the invention of fire, when our diets consisted mainly of fruits, nuts, and vegetables. Showing this pony how to make fire and cook food was just another leg up on the evolutionary path.


The battle near the end was simply another test. There are many personalities contained within the Angel, and some of them were eager to put forth a worthy opposing force. Guided rockets, automatic cannons, and towering genetic abominations are not even a distant dream for the ponies of this world. They, much like the ill-fated herd that grew around the cream-colored pony, were created on the spot for the purpose of this scenario.

The Angel does like giving her tests. Would she gather others into a herd? Would she teach them ways to cooperate and improve their chances of survival? Would she lead them? Protect them? Ensure survival of the group at the cost of her own life?

It seems almost cruel. But would it have been more so to simply let her die by the lake? Certainly would have been easier.

Now, the story does have a few flaws. I might surmise that the author probably procrastinated up to the very last day, then banged out the last two thousand words somewhere between 1:00 to 8:00 AM. Probably while re-watching Totally Legit Recaps on youtube and videos of a less savory variety on other streaming sites. I bet a lot of cigarette breaks were involved too. This might explain some of small errors that didn't get picked up during the four minute and thirty second final proofreading before the story was submitted.

It feels like some things were hastily cut from the story - such as the history of the angel, how many times the cream colored pony died during some of the tests, and some philosophical musings on how the choices that define our destinies might be viewed from the perspective of an omnipotent jerkass who has known the ennui of cosmic heat death. It was probably for the better, but the story could have used a little more attention to smooth out the voids left by the excised portions.

I'm also not sure how this story relates to MLP. I don't see any MLP mythos in this, or friendship, or anything to connect the show to the tale.

Well, it does have ponies, at least.

And Discord.

“They’re just hunger pangs. They come and go. I’ve been getting them since I cut back on my diet.”

His training regime seems a bit confused. On one hand, he wants to build muscle mass, on the other he starves to the point his body probably burns proteins from muscles, so he won't get any stronger even if he gets lighter.

>>Samey90
I don't think anyone, the narrative included, thinks that he's on the right path with this.

>>Skywriter
Indeed. Guess he'll get better with diets when teaching others.

>>Samey90
One can only hope.

>>Skywriter
I seriously thought the story was going to be about anorexia at that point.

>>TURD FERGURSON
I didn't notice Discord.

>>Trick_Question
I believe he was the other floating morally ambivalent entity with powers that tracscended time and space.

>>Skywriter
>>Trick_Question
Interestingly, I do recall an old fic (S3 or S4 maybe?) about Rainbow Dash bringing herself on the verge of anorexia because she thought that'd make her faster. Iirc, she eventually passed out during training and was then given a short introduction to the biochemical basis of sport performance.

>>Trick_Question

The twist felt unusual and unnecessary.

I wouldn't call it much of a twist. Once you know Posey is G1 equivalent of Fluttershy, you know the author is up to something.

This being said, I kinda liked this one. I felt it was a bit meta, but that's pretty much unavoidable if you write a story about a group of writers. I feel it's a decent setting for a more elaborate story, even if this plot is a bit lacking (and I like Moondancer anyway).

I can confirm that the sudden change of tone from serious action to morbid silliness caught me off guard a bit, but then it rolled pretty smoothly. Also, Dash may be onto something - some famous horses did get stuffed and put on display, including, for example, Roy Rogers' Trigger or Napoleon's Le Vizir (which looks a bit creepy due to being thin, pale, and somewhat damaged).

Only two arts and they're both spoiler alerts! :raritydespair:

...although they're both highly amusing.

Very nice:

But Twilight does know a memory spell of some sort. She uses it at the end of "Return of Harmony" to restore her friends after Discord's zapped them all. Find a way to take that into account, and you'll make a top-notch story even better.

Mike

This is the fewest number of art pieces I've seen in a round so far...

So let’s review the hell outta them. :)

Art reviews commencing!

Though it seems that we have but a pair
Of drawings, yet do not despair.
Whatever their fettle,
They’ll both win a medal,
So compare without care, if you dare.

This is a cute commentary on the story. Ocelluna is well presented, from expressive face to accurate mark to unshorn fetlocks, all are handled with style. Nice hoofwork. Twilight is a bit rougher and it looks as if her mark wants to eat her butt. Background is almost nonexistent.The drawing is rather dark and I am guessing that you took a photo with your phone, Artist; if you don’t have access to a scanner, there are several document-scanning apps for smartphones that should do a better job of capturing your artwork in the future. I may post some links in Discord.

Regardless, your talent is evident and I am sure we will see more good work from you in the future. In other rounds, the unfinished nature of this work might count against you. At present, there is only one place this drawing can occupy on my slate. :) Good work, Artist!

>>GroaningGreyAgony
I like to imagine Lunocellus with derp eyes based on the reflections. Sometimes you need some lingderp.

Sorry, Artist, you don’t get a limerick.

This is a bit rough, scratchy and unpolished. At least it appears to have been scanned cleanly. The centerpiece of this work is Twilight’s expression, as she takes her time in chewing. I like her wings, her slumping ears and her thousand-mile stare. More time spent in polishing this work would have made a big difference were the competition more varied.

Regardless, your talent is evident and I am sure we will see more good work from you in the future. In other rounds, the unfinished nature of this work might count against you. At present, there is only one place this drawing can occupy on my slate. :) Good work, Artist!

Oh geez, I thought I already reviewed this one. Honest I did.


Genre: Flash Sentry Scores A Lot of Weed

Thoughts: In concept, there's a lot here that I want to like. Opening with Pony Flash Sentry barricaded in Princess Celestia's private bathroom portends comedy gold.

Things got kinda drawn out from that point, though. So much of the humor seems to boil down to filling time while emphasizing that the audience doesn't know what happened; but the kicker is that finally gaining the knowledge doesn't really directly change anything. All of the humor ultimately isn't relevant to the incident itself.

Does that make sense? I feel like there's a ton of promise here but the story frustrates me by dancing around everything and then just ending with a big pile of weed. I feel like the payoff of the reveal doesn't quite work as a payoff for the journey that got us there.

This might be personal taste, of course. Something something thyme jokes.

Tier: Almost There

Well.... “anonymous person I don’t know”, if this contest were more varied this picture would DEFINITELY make it to my top slate.

I love the crazed look in Twilight’s eyes and the extreme perspective of Canterlot. The title alone bounces it up my slate. ;)

I like the sketch and the anatomy is otherwise gr8 except nightmare moon’s neck looks a bit too long.

Like GGA said above Twilight’s cutie mark is swallowing up her butt and the picture is too dark. Try to find a LIGHTER spot, huh? Won’t you?? Won’t YOU ANONYMOUS PERSON???? HMMMMMM?????

Top of my preliminary ballot. A lot of that is subjective, though; I don't care for the Pillars of Harmony from the show, and I find stories like this one (and Mistmane and the Tortellini), which add dimensions and flesh to their preexisting canon, very compelling. I love how the main message aligns him with Applejack, too, who also has an issue with stubbornness, honesty, and compromise.

The moral isn't especially original, but the writing makes this something special. Thank you for submitting.

>>Posh
Wrong story, I believe.

>>Posh No, this is the right one. Rockhoof's Dilemma.

Despite the tenuous connection to the prompt, I think this story succeeds. It's a good character piece that establishes and sells an OC whose talents and muteness make her fresh, unique, and compelling. Her friendship with Cloudchaser is also heartwarming; I'm a little disappointed that she vanishes from the narrative by the end in favor of the far less interesting character of Crafy Mac'N'Cheese.

That character is where I think most of my issues with this story lie. His whole thing is incredibly baffling to me; he's a rabble-rouser who wants to basically launch what amounts to a terrorist attack on Ponyville, and is somehow charismatic and talented enough to orchestrate the entire thing and remove any obstacles in ways which the narrative never really explains. His motives are never adequately explained, either; he's able to do things without a good justification for them, and he wants to do them because... uh... Derpy Hooves dropped a piano on Twilight once? I think?

He's a very thinly written character. It's disguised well under some good characterization, but his backstory is vague, his motivations unclear, and his actions difficult to explain.

A quality story that'll probably still rank high on my final ballot, but it's gonna settle below Rockhoof in my prelim, I think.

Pffa. Such a simple pun, yet an amusing one regardless. I dig it.

The "brother" stuff between Shiny and Flash (especially since Shiny seems to imbue the word with a touch more literalness than Flash does?) strikes me as a weird note, I don't love Celly's characterization, and the fact that Discord is mentioned, yet never seen, is a missed opportunity.

I still like it a lot, but I do have a responsibility to pick nits...

I can't believe this one didn't make the final cut.

I was moderately surprised A Timey Nightmare didn't make it either.

Thanks for the comments, folks!

As >>Miller Minus surmised, this is the rough draft of the story I plan on entering in Oroboro's contest. I started three completely different stories after the contest was announced, but I didn't get more than a couple paragraphs done on any of them. Then when the prompt dropped here, I got another idea, threw this story together over the weekend, and submitted what might be the roughest thing I've ever entered in a Writeoff.

I've already rewritten the whole 2nd scene, am well into reworking the mole fight, and have all new plans for the ending. As for AJ's accent, I always overwrite it in my roughs then tone it back in the rewrites, but I've never thought of it as Southern, actually. To my ears, she's always spoken something more Appalachian...

Anyway, thanks again!

Mike

>>Trick_Question
Yeah, what the heck? Is this like the ending to A Chorus Line or something all of a sudden? Those were the top two on my personal slate.

I usually do fairly poorly on predicting how people will react to stories. There will be ones where I tell the author I think they will or won't make finals (I can help clean up what's there, but there are just some story concepts that aren't likely to resonate so well, but so far, nobody asks for help while they're in the planning phase), and I'm wrong about that as often as I'm right. But last round and this one, I hit it right on. Hey, even a blind cow finds a strawberry once in a while.

Anyway, I think this story had an interesting meta point to make, but it can be a little hard to tease it out. First, the title is a reference to The Lathe of Heaven by Ursula K. LeGuin, but spotting that connection didn't do a whole lot for me. The book is about somebody trying to make the world a better place, but every decision turns out wrong in unexpected ways, similar to a genie granting twisted interpretations of wishes. There's kind of a parallel with that theme here, but it's a weak one.

The main point, though, is that this isn't a story that's going to excite anyone. It's one of those stories you kind of have to bear with. I had several objections to how the story handled Norrie's interests, but by the end, they'd all been handled, and in a way that I don't know could have been done to head off those initial objections. The story knows itt doesn't have a bunch of momentum impelling it forward, but it's also kept short enough that readers are probably going to stick with it to the end. And that's the meta point I found. It's almost a mathematical analysis. Knowledge that the beginning seems a little off-putting versus the ending being close enough to see it through sure seems like a probability equation, exactly the kind that CelestAI makes about whether Norrie will ever follow through. The story's an example of its own philosophy, and I found that interesting. I also agree with the decision to make Norrie's gender indeterminate, because it isn't relevant and makes it relatable to a wider audience.

The open ending is kind of underwhelming, because the way open endings usually work is to make the reader and the characters care about all the possible directions. Here, Norrie does, but in a predictable way, and then we end the story with CelestAI, and we can't tell whether she's smugly confirming she was right or spurring Norrie on to achieve her dream. I'm not sure that question needs to be answered, and while CelestAI is very clinical about it, she's designed to be.

So while this isn't an exciting story with a lot of emotional depth to it, I liked that it had that meta aspect.

>>Pascoite
Um... let me get this straight. You think the story is intentionally as annoying as it is short in an attempt to force its readers to reluctantly read through it, and you like that strategy because you think it's making a masterful point?

I think we might be entering Bad Horse levels of lit-crit here...

>>Pascoite

The main point, though, is that this isn't a story that's going to excite anyone. It's one of those stories you kind of have to bear with... The story knows itt doesn't have a bunch of momentum impelling it forward, but it's also kept short enough that readers are probably going to stick with it to the end. And that's the meta point I found.

Personally, I found the story as bearable and interesting as any other (and by my ballot it should've made finals). Even if it wasn't, I find it hard to believe that GGA intended to include this "meta" aspect in the form of a lack of impetus in the opening.

Otherwise, I agree with the others who say that the ending is the weakest point. CelestAI's putdowns seem counterproductive and therefore out of character for her, unless she has some ulterior motive in telling Norrie the "truth." But this isn't even hinted at (in fact, it's hinted by her video game notifications that Norrie will stay addicted to her complacent paradise), so we're kind of left feeling like we only got half the story.

Author, when your username is revealed please publish this on fim fic. I'd love for some editing and perhaps even more insane shenanigans with our favorite changeling kid. ;) (Good job with the fic!!!)

>>Trick_Question
You call the story annoying as if it's an objective fact. There are some characteristics that suit the meta point; whether the reader finds them annoying will be an individual response. I don't think the author intended them to be annoying. In point of fact, I didn't call them annoying. I don't know why you want to read more into that than I said. Besides that, there are classes of stories that do exactly what you're complaining about, like crackfics or some kinds of feghoots. So yes, it is a viable strategy, though one that's likely to appeal to a niche audience.

>>Paracompact
I don't know that GGA did that on purpose. I commented on all this to him already, and his response may have slightly implied he did, but in any case, this is something I saw in the story without his prompting. And I haven't said whether I think that's a good or bad way to write a story. I just found it very interesting that the story seemed to survive, in my experience of reading it anyway, by applying CelestAI's own principles. It's like watching a movie you didn't have strong feelings about one way or the other, but you did get some distinct enjoyment out of spotting Easter eggs in it.

>>Pascoite

I don't know why you want to read more into that than I said.

I was largely being silly.

Is it safe to thank everyone for the reviews yet? I saw Baal Bunny do so without repercussions, so I take it that I'm safe!

First of all, >>Samey90
hit the nail on the head. Concept is extraordinary. Yet, my hubris (am I using that correctly? Eh… Meh) is the inexperienced writing. Have yet to harness voice and emotional arcs (Thank you Coffee Minion and Miller Minus). Now, the hard part, does anypony have pointers? I need a little more practice… a lot of practice. Got it under control. Bad habits I need to correct- provide spacing and make sure I have dialogue correct.

Now, >>CoffeeMinion
discovered my tracks easy. Yes, it was a hurry, with 3 hours to prep it before heading off to work. I mean, I started work two hours before the deadline, just enough fuel to set my rump on fire in the middle of the night. I had a hard time coming up with an idea that sticks to the prompt, yet didn't trap me in a dead end. Every Idea I jotted down missed the mark or ran out of pixie dust. Then, Inspiration! Only, one slight problem: I didn't have all the time in the world! With the Midnight Muse disturbing my beauty sleep, screaming “You want the best Idea? HERE IT IS!” My muse woke me at 11 o’clock in the evening before the premature deadline! Best idea ever! so, yes, TLDR: I submitted an unpolished story in a crucial moment. For sake of time, I didn't have time to sculpt everything… spacing and punctuation included

As for what many of you touched on, but >>Trick_Question
has suggested, “have somepony run with me line by line" I have yet to find a exceptional editor that has the time and patience with all the bad writing habits I have. Any references or pointers that can help me find an editor?

Unfortunately, I'll give a counter-argument to >>Miller Minus
(please don't hurt me!). The reason to why it's a little jotty is that I have taken a long hiatus from writing or view other works of writing. The reason? Killer number one to my fictions is that they are unoriginal. As you can see with a story on this site “Super Secret Mission" copied Calipony’s “Lava Monster" on Fimfiction. You can see more examples if you look for them. But, lets face it- there are rarely any original ideas left in the world. This includes this idea. The more I invest time in looking into other’s works, the more my subconscious copies it. It's real problematic. That's how I got this idea, pure and true. But, along with the upside of ostracizing myself from other ponies’ works, the more rough and flat my writing goes- it loses it’s magic. I'll take your advice in small steps. I need to start finding my voice- without imitating another’s. Balance is key. All in all, Thanks! This comment is super useful!

Thanks again to others who touched on the same topics!
>>Xepher
>>Paracompact
Yes, thank you, I look back, and that part was a very rushed

Thank you for the comments… I was expecting worse since my unpolished story probably aggravated several readers, but the pleasant surprise was that the comments I had were still constructive, yet didn't ram me with a train of long, undying nitpicks and details. Or… my second suspicion is that many saw through the anonymity veil (I try to be sneaky and undetected, but I stick out like a sore thumb). I’m an amateur in the midst of professionals! Nonetheless, I Prefer to believe the first, not the latter. Thanks again! See you in another round!

I don’t think I’ve ever seen sorghum mentioned in an MLP story before. It shouldn’t have reeled me in to the story as much as it did, but, well, I grew up in Nebraska, had friends that were farm kids growing up.

I read this story during some downtime at work, and I wasn’t as successful as I’d hoped at keeping a lid on how hard I was laughing. According to one of my coworkers, I sounded like I was strangling chickens.

Seriously, though, the taxidermy joke had me in stitches. [/rimshot]

Like your other readers, I was led to believe this story was going to be much more serious in tone by the first section in the volcano. I can see where the joke could be, but without more levity for context, the situation feels pretty dire. It’s out of sync with the rest of the story’s lighthearted dark humor.

Also, the slow reveal of the last joke of the story lasts a little too long. I agree with Xepher that Twilight’s smart enough to realize that nopony else had done what needed doing, or at least ask.. I think the joke would still work if you cut straight to Twilight doing everything herself, tell Starlight she’s in charge, etc from there, though. Having Twilight lampshade the second volcano also made me roll my eyes, but I can see the humor there - it’s a great setup for Applejack yanking her back to the present moment.

These are the only critiques I have, though, Writer. This is a great comedy piece that’s right up my alley. I hope to see this published after the competition is over!

This is a tough one for me to grade.

I think it's done well on a technical level. Everyone's well-voiced and in character, the writing is sharp, narration is strong. The storytelling is... I don't want to sound backhanded here -- it's a complete tale from start to finish, but it's paced very awkwardly.

For a mystery like this one, there's not a lot of unpacking going on. By that, I mean there aren't very many moments where Shining Armor stops to smell the narrative roses, reflect on the information he's told, and deduct the direction he's supposed to go in. The plot moves at such a breakneck speed that there's not enough time for either Shiny, or the reader, to digest what's going on before we move briskly toward the next plot point. Shiny doesn't feel like a protagonist unraveling a mystery, but a castaway caught up in a narrative tide that sweeps him along without much input from himself.

Cadance's remark at the end, that he's a dorky genius, feels like an informed attribute rather than something informed by the story.

There are also a lot of elements that I don't think are maximizing their potential. Twilight's role is so very limited, despite being the linchpin to Shining Armor solving the mystery at the end. Shiny's fish-out-of-temporal-water situation isn't given due consideration; we get a line informing us that he's not coping well with the transition, but despite a couple emotional scenes at the start and finish of the story, he takes everything thrown his way in stride, and copes very quickly. Even his existential crisis at the very end of the story just kind of comes and goes in time for the resolution.

(Not to harp on that point too much, but this is a character piece that doesn't feel driven by the characters' actions or emotions, which is my main critique)

And the fact that everybody is in on this conspiracy, and just sort of rolls with it, even aiding and abetting Cadance in lying to Shining Armor, time and time again (lemme pay this story a compliment; on my first readthrough, before I'd quite placed what was going on, I found it very suspicious that Luna deflected Shining Armor's attempt at interpreting the dream), except for Twilight, and by extension Spike...

...We're getting into less severe gripes now. Also, I am cognizant that this is less of a review than it is a loosely organized series of bullet points. I'm sleepy; leave me alone.

Uh. Time travel's function in this story is unclear. The role it plays in Cadance's thing. I don't get it. I don't see its necessity. The library scene seemed superfluous; it's another moment that should contribute to Shining Armor's arc, but isn't given the kind of weight that it should get, given his limited response to it. The "Friendlandia" bit was funny, but placed awkwardly; it disrupts the tone that the author's going for in that part of the story, and would probably go better at the piece's beginning.

...

I'm running out of steam here.

I give this story bagged pizza/10.

Well.. crap

Full disclosure, I had to stop a bit early on to laugh when I saw how meta it was getting. I dig it, don't get me wrong. Just took a moment to process and carry on.

Detracting first of all from some of the above: I did okay keeping the characters straight. Their personalities are sufficiently different that even if I forget their names exactly somewhere down the line, I know there's: youngun, asshole, professor boss lady, oldman lipsmack, yellow quiet, and hermit crab. Easy. And Teaspoon shrinks in front of an angry authority figure exactly like I'd expect, so good job on that.

Anyway, I think you struck a very sensitive vein for newbies in any creative field. When I posted my first story on Fimfic, I ignored the notices for hours, maybe days, because I was so nervous about finally putting something I made out into the public eye. I feel Moondancer's pain. If I didn't have the shield of internet anonymity, I may have not started writing again at all. And if I did, I certainly wouldn't have shared it. So she gets big praise from me for being courageous enough to sit in a room full of strangers face to face and have her life's work-to-date torn to shreds.

I kind of suspected that Posey was Fluttershy. The coloration, the demure personality, the baggy clothing that hides all of her features. So not a huge twist for me in that regard, even ignoring Samey90's catch about the G1 version. It is a bit strange that she'd be doing this, of all things, but the backstory is believable enough that I'm on board still. And I think if anypony is going to understand Moondancer's public anxiety, it's going to be her. She's been there, she's suffered, and she's worked through it one day at a time.

:thumbs up:

This starts off a bit slow, and with what feels like an unrelated scene. The jump to Ocellus as main character feels off there, but is quickly forgotten as the main story sets up.

I like the brief conversation with the other students, as their personalities feel strong, but... I would've liked more of it.

The main impetus of the story feels like it could use a tad more polish. A slight bit of overwork feels like not quite enough of a reason to push Ocellus into a B&E and risky magic.

That said, once things get rolling, this becomes a pretty fun story, reminding me (in a good way) of the Time Turner bits in Harry Potter, though with more of that frantic, mad-science confusion of Doc Brown.

I think there's a weird element here with paradox. On the one hand, Ocellus explicitly mentions it and seems to look for (and avoid) them, yet very clearly paradoxes are happening all the time anyway, and the story never really explains that. I'm reminded (again, in a good way) of how Doctor Who tends to handle that. Very technical reasons why you can't do some things, and then he just does them anyway. There was another story in the contest called "Screw Paradoxes" that almost might've been a better title here.


The middle bits of the story build at a decent pace, and I would've loved to see more character growth, such as at the lake party and the like, but this story seems to be trying to pack a lot in as is, so...

As things progress, the speed of the narrative picks up as well, with scene breaks being larger and larger gaps. Really feels rushed, though maybe that's intentional. By the last bits, with Ocellus taking the place of the (now dead?) original Glimmer I really liked the twists happening. (Nearly) everypony in Our Town actually being Ocellus nicely doubles down on "Equality."

The final twist at the end, with not only Celestia being some future/past version of the protagonist, but her being also her own best friends... Yeah, WTF? That was both really great as a twist (though not a total surprise), but had this sort of fridge horror/sadness to it. Again, reminded really strongly of Heinlein's "—All You Zombies—" where the main character is both his own mother and father, and everything else. Leading, of course, to the final question here... is there any pony in the school (or maybe the world) that is NOT Ocellus? That's the kind of story that leaves me thinking about it the next day, so I love that.

I also loved going back and seeing the way the final resolution explained so many of the nitpicks I'd initially thought of as lazy writing (like Starlight being the opening character, or the door being unlocked, or the first spell being so easy to find and learn, etc.)

Some things I didn't love...

The overall pacing feels rushed. Ocellus "amping up" her powers seems to just be sudden with each jump, and she seems to grow as a character/emotionally disproportionally fast as well. Basically, she doesn't seem to "earn" her progress quite enough, then in later bits, it seems to happen entirely off screen. More character growth in each jump would help a lot (more time in classes or with friends, etc.)

I'd also like to see more explanation for her plan each jump. As it is, she seems to just keep stumbling along backwards in time without really considering other options first. Again, I suspect that's an issue with length at this point (though there was some wordcount to spare.)

Lastly, a few obvious edit mistakes here and there, and some minor typos, but nothing too major on the super low level. As Miller Minus points out though, some of the writing is a bit plain and sentence structures are reused in boring ways that could definitely be improved. Also, there are a few very technical mistakes about the timeline. Ex: Ocellus is in the wrong disguise as an earth pony at one point where she "flitters up" to a window.

Overall though, a really fun read that, paradoxically (hah!) seems at it's best when I'm not entirely sure what's going on.

Well this is a damned strong entry.

Cadance's heritage is a bit of a blurry spot, so I really appreciate the work on it here, particularly as I've briefly jumped in the same puddle. The emotional beats all hit well, from her yearning, to her frustration, to realizing she's not as all alone as she thinks. The ending parallel with Velvet really seals the deal, and I am an absolute sucker for that exact type of narrative bookending.

I'm going to dissent from the bench a bit with the other comments: I don't think Amore's enchantment being able to process new information is a plothole or loose , exactly. She's meant to judge ponies for worthiness, and I would think that necessitates at least a little bit of acceptance of new input into the magical datastream. And Cadance had been down there quite a bit, the story tells us, so it's not unthinkable that the enchantment could stretch maybe just a little bit to dole out her judgement in a more positively constructive manner with so much prodding.

But maybe that's just my brain fanfic-ing the fanfic.

Decent slice of life to open with, though I'm curious what's up with this "Eddy."

Thought for a second Eddy's gender was being kept intentionally vague, but then I guess not. Maybe put some of the description earlier so it's not just disembodied voices for Rumble and Eddy's chat/workout.

The visuals are easy to follow, which is not usually what happens when people describe acrobatics or fight scenes, so that helps. That the crash was as minor was it was in injury seems unrealistic though.

Okay, good use of the titular device, with a stored record in it. “I can’t believe I’m being lectured by two Wonderbolts and a Princess about knowing your limits.” is also a fantastic line.

The end... great idea, but it just comes out of nowhere.

Okay, so... I really liked most of this story. It didn't quite hook me fast, but it built a solid story with great character drama and a very, very realistic take on the subject it faces. The way things go south with Eddy felt deeply emotional and raw too.

That said, the cut-away scene where Thunderlane is talking with Dash and Twilight about his brother feels a bit forced. There's no "discovery" there just a brief bit where we're more or less told what it is Rumble needs to be learning as we all instantly know he's the "friendship problem." So, while having a great line where they all tell him to know his limits is funny, it detracts from the narrow, focused realism otherwise shown. It might play better not to bring the extra characters into things, or at least to introduce them more organically than a fully independent cut-away.

The second problem is, as mentioned, the ending. He's at camp, and sees this filly. And in a matter of seconds (for the reader) goes from all his problems still weighing on him, to seeing what is right to do and "learning his lesson." There really needs to be more transition there, as no one changes their entire attitude so quickly. That said, I suspect the author may have run out of time here, and completely rushed the last part, since it feels entirely unlike the well-paced story until that point.

Overall, this still gets high marks from me, but... had it stuck the landing, it'd be a real gem.

Not a fan of opening with vague, disembodied voices with no real dialog tags.

A couple paragraphs in, and I think this is "Mom" (the computer) from Broken Age.

Yeah, similar I guess. Wanting the simulation to be more of a loved one than it is. Or more real than it is.

Not sure what it says about Cadance's mental stability if she went to a hologram and started insisting it was her Mom.

"Please state the nature of..." the medical emergency? :-)

Very nice reversal and callback at the ending.


So this story is a bit irritating at the start (as I don't like having to puzzle out who is even speaking) but it doesn't drag that on too long. After that, the hook is set, and we're basically dealing with this strange HAL / Doctor (from Voyager) thing, but with a sadness in Cadance's desperation that doesn't quite gel for me.

Let me try putting that in other terms. I think that the way Candance has been there before, and has literally been told over 545 times the same message of purpose implies that she has been desperately trying to call this thing "Mom" for a long time. On the surface, this makes for GREAT storytelling, as we get this ending, with new family taking the place. But it makes for a fridge horror of sorts too. Cadance is married for years, has been more or less part of the Twilight family since she was babysitting Sparkle herself, and has been dating Shiny and been loved by their parents since at least then. That all that was somehow not fulfilling, and left her so desperate she was basically trying to turn a doorlock with a picture of an nth-level grandmare she'd never met into her "Mom" implies horrible things about Twilight Velvet, Nightlight, Shiny, Twilight Sparkle, Celestia, and all the other ponies that loved her for years. It is that which doesn't quite sit right with me.

That said, IF this character didn't have this giant backstory. If she'd just come into this new family by marriage a year ago or something, then it'd work a lot better. The callback at the end, with the reversal in "I'm not certain how to react to that." is great bookending, and a heartwarming scene.

Overall, this gets really high marks, but leaves just a tiny bit of something dark/bitter that I can't quite get past.

Comedy hook set by line one. Let's do this!

"Talky Problem" Nice!

Some of the other, more whimsical turns of phrase are less funny, and start to get distracting. Ex: "Princess Celestia's Private Peeing Spot"

Yeah, the comedy stuff is hit and miss for me, and because a lot of the humor is of the "it's funny because it's a longer way to say something simple" variety, it's really causing the story to drag out. Halfway through, and nothing has actually happened or been shown to happen besides "new mountain."

And yeah, as suspected, long set up for a single, awful pun.


Alright, this one was hit and miss for me. Some phrases, reactions, thoughts, etc. were quite hilarious, and others were honestly irritating. I love good comedy stories, but to me, they need to be story first and comedy second. This one fell victim to trying so hard for comedy that the story was hurt. Mostly it's in pacing, that the whole story has very little happen and just draws out the one pun. That _sometimes_ works, but when it does, the reveal is usually slowly mixed in as the forestory progresses. E.g. we saw a hint about a "mountain" but when done better (or at least when I've enjoyed it more) there are many more similar hints sprinkled throughout.

Complaining aside, this definitely had more positives than negatives for me. The laughs that worked, worked well, and the basic premise is a fun one as well.

>>Shalrath
That's not much of a retro! :derpytongue2:

Competition here is very hard. It's okay not to pass the cut even when you like your story.

You wrote a very interesting story that could maybe use more horse words to clue the reader in to what is happening and why. Hopefully some of the feedback has been useful!

>>PinoyPony

Any references or pointers that can help me find an editor?

Apart from begz0ring for help on the Writeoff Discord chat, I know some ponies offer professional editing services for a fee.

Genre: Silent But Deadly

Thoughts: Author, I'll apologize in advance: I'm going to have to be the dissenting voice here. This didn't work for me at all. :-/

I'm big on flow and readability of prose. I'm also big on "hook." Basically, when I start a story, I'm really looking for the first paragraph or few paragraphs to catch my interest, orient me on the setting (or, alternatively, prime me for some kind of mystery/reveal), and give me a sense of what I can expect in terms of sentence structure, writing style, et cetera. So in that sense, having the flashback and poster thing inserted right after a kinda wordy opening bit made this really rough for me to get into. Past that point, I felt like Lightning's very introverted way of looking at things served as more of an impediment to me building a rapport and interest not only with her as a character, but also with the story itself. Then Cloudchaser was there, and was clearly trying to push her toward signing up for the thing that her jerk ex-boss was trying to advocate for... but why? It's characters moving in space and saying and doing things, but it's all so stylistically herky-jerky that at no point does it build a visceral connection with me.

Let me call out one tidbit that encapsulates this quality:

White Lightning glanced back at the poster. She chewed her lip a few times. She listened to the speech a little longer before she realized Crafty was just recycling the main points over and over, yet everyone seemed mesmerized.

She was already flying away before she realized no one else had done so. Haste and embarrassment sped her onwards.

It's all so telly. :-( And we get the phenomenon of a character doing something "before they realized" what they were doing, or the full context of it. IMO this is something that stories have to approach with caution. If they establish the character and their situation strongly before doing things like this, then it's not a big deal. But otherwise, it can stand out.

Look, I don't want to be unduly discouraging. I should come out and state pretty clearly that I wouldn't go this far unless there wasn't already a pretty strong set of positive views to counterbalance a review like this. It's also worth noting that it's absolutely a higher tier of difficulty to write a shy, introverted, mute character. But there again, it's kind of a high-risk/high-reward thing. It's bound to be possible to tweak and tune this up.

Tier: Keep Developing

Also... does this count as a “starlight saves the world” fic?

Writing something that gets a reader into a story is a hook. That would be your unexpected (some would say "incestuous") choice of a writers workshop. I'm not saying that's bad, but understand that in writing to an expected audience brings benefits and responsibilities.

The responsibility (yours) is to keep your reader interested enough to finish the story. I really wanted to figuratively throw the book down a number of times—and that would have been a shame. The words boring and tortuous come to mind, but please bear with me; I'm being honest, hopefully in a way Cinna was not.

I can safely assert most of your audience has attended a workshop; indeed, this forum serves as one—and all of us recognize the cast of characters, both annoyingly smug Cinna and Moondancer with her highly personal autobiography disguised as a novel. Again, not bad. My stomach aches with the remembered emotions you raised!

But that is my point.

Much of the workshop scene is unnecessary wasteful exposition. Even non-writer readers through having seen a few popular movies would pick up immediately on the dynamics or gut-wrenching nerves you depicted in excruciating detail (in a way, a lot like the reply I am writing now). Your work, which in the end was quite heart-warming, would benefit from radical concision. Telegraph to the reader immediately Moondancer's nerves.. Don't bother introducing the secondary characters until they speak. Their dialog, beautifully written albeit excessive, speaks strongly for the each of them. Just highlight the one character who's required for foreshadowing. I'd start by red-lining most of the setup and maybe start with Cinna's (nicely done) blistering remarks to Moondancer, followed by the reactions of the host and Posey, then have Moondancer run out in tears. I know you can do this based on the second part of the story for which I have nary a quibble. No wasted prose there!

Yeah. Ellipsis and lack of concussion is my personal curse, so it is a bit of the pot calling the kettle black. I need to review my faults constantly. And then, what are workshops for?

>>Trick_Question
I'm interested. But, to keep this brief, can I PM you on Fimfiction?

Yes, Crazy Eyes fit Twilight like a glove.

While the composition is a bit coarse and sketchy, I'm kind of loving the story implied by the drawing. She looks like she's covetously protecting her hoard of thyme like an herbivorous dragon, and the thought of that gave me a laugh.

The background could use a tad bit more detail to clearly convey the scale of the pile. It looks like you have one of the castle's spires back there, but without reading the story, it's a bit unclear what that could be. Twilight certainly has some excellent little details: the feathers in her wings, the fuzz on her hooves. Her muzzle and jawline look a little blobby and dis-proportionate. However, as GroaningGrey mentioned, the rough nature of this drawing is likely due to a short time constraint, and I'm sure with a little more time and polish, this could really shine. Thanks for arting!

>>Trick_Question
That's the first thing I noticed. Seems we've got a theme of wild eyes this round!

Another theme for the art seems to be rough sketches, which is understandable given the time frame.

This is another promising embryo of a drawing, artist! I especially love the form and proportion you've drawn for those pesky horse legs (which I can never seem to get right).

As of writing this, I unfortunately haven't read the fic yet, but this is making me want to read it. Lines look smooth and neat. Looks like you managed to get the form you wanted in only a few passes of the pencil, keeping your drawing clean and easy to understand.

Not much I can say outside what's already been mentioned. It looks fairly sparse, and I'm not too sure what's happening to Twicellus over there. Not sure why she's reacting to Lunocellus that way, which probably means I need to read the fic for more context. Overall, though, a great little sketch!

White Lightning's lightning bending is super cool. She's a neat character for all the reasons stated above, with the addition that she's actively struggling against social anxiety (whether due to her muteness or just by nature), and that makes her all the more commendable. Cloud Chaser and White are patient with each other in a way that speaks to their friendship, and having Chaser translate later in the story is sweet.

That said I agree with CoffeeMinion's take on Crate. He starts off being strong and zealous, which is fine, and ends (nearly consequence free) at attempted domestic terrorism, or at the very least a severe case of reckless endangerment. He starts turning it around in the finale, but I don't quite buy it at cost.

Still really dug the piece as a whole, though.

Echoing the above, mostly. The crazy eyes really sell the whole thing, as far as I'm concerned. The wings are neat and the ear direction tells me she's ready to fight a bitch if someone interrupts her snack time. It's a bit hard to tell exactly where she is, though. I'm not sure I would have picked up that Canterlot was in the back for a while if someone else hadn't pointed it out. I get it, now, but it's not 100% clear at first.

It also kind of looks like she's hoarding herbs on a cloud based on how small the mountain looks in the background, which is an interesting bit of narrative layer to the picture.

Fuzzy fetlocks fill my fetish
Ocellus obviously owns our overarching ovation
Twilight tries and tarries, trodden toward toil

Butts

Slow start, but really picks up as it goes on. I don't necessarily mean the dialogue at the beginning; I'm referring to the somewhat stilted expository way that HoloCandy's role and nature are established. It's... inelegant.

The rest of the story proceeds beautifully, however. Two minor quibbles: First, the way that the scene with HoloCandy ends feels hard parse. We're left with the impression that there might actually be more to her than her programming, whereas the rest of the scene up until that point had hammered home that what you saw was what you got with her. Even her assurance to Candy that she wasn't a bad mom/pony/princess/whatever felt well within the strictures of her programming.

Second, less importantly, I feel like Candy would probably have been comfortable enough to call Velvet "Mom" before she started foisting her granddaughter onto her.

I have no real complaints, otherwise. Well done.

Very funny comedy, if a bit... plotless. The inciting incident is ultimately less important to the narrative than we'd be given to think, despite the way it circles back around at the end, and the stuff in the middle -- though hilarious -- builds to no real resolution or conclusion, although the narrative does its damndest to make the reader think that it has.

It's hard to say what the takeaway here is. Ponies can't deal with volcanoes? The mane six are completely incompetent, except for Twilight?

Starlight enables Twilight's hay fries addiction?

Hayburgers and hay fries... isn't that just the same ingredient, cooked two different ways? It doesn't make much sense to me, sorry.

Great character work. Great character piece. Great dialogue.

Plot feels thin. Twilight and Rainbow Dash cameo, but do little of note; they have two scenes, one of which is outlined, rather than written. And the ending... Rumble's transformation doesn't feel very well informed by the story, and too many threads (his anorexia, and his friendship with Sexy Spitfire Nephew) are left dangling.

In short, the first three quarters or so of this story are great; it fades, unfortunately, in the stretch. Not unlike Rumble himself, I think.

This hit a little close to home for me, since I have a similarly jealous but much less adversarial (now, anyway) relationship with my best friend. He's fit, tall, attractive; though I'm far more charming, I think. Anyway.

The end turn around's a bit quick, but the overall character development beats are spot on. I feel like maybe having Twi and Dash there isn't really necessary, or at the very least having them both there via Map Mission is overboard. Thunderlane and Dash are coworkers, so it's not unthinkable that he'd ask her for help dealing with his brother and maybe she'd tag in the egghead. Even sending Rumble to camp could come from Thunderlane himself and be perfectly sensible. Minor nitpick, though.

A bit quick on the faceturn, but otherwise an emotionally poignant experience.

And a general apology to everyone and anyone I didn't make it to reading this time. I try to read everything when possible, but work has kept me tired basically all month. :(

Altogether, I very much liked this fic. Stories about psychological conflict portrayed in a dramatic but realistic fashion are right up my alley, and I'm a fan of Moonlight, too. I would have to agree with Trick_Question, however, that her character in this could be improved by bringing her closer in alignment with her (albeit reformed) canonically misanthropic personality from the show, or at least differentiating her beyond "shy girl." I still think she came across very organically, though.

As for the other characters, I think there's even more potential left untapped, and that was for me a great disappointment. I was looking forward to seeing Teaspoon's, Ferris's, and Cinna's stories, giving them their moment in the spotlight, but instead I'm left with a great sense of lacking regarding their characters. You really did set them up at the beginning quite wonderfully, but in a way that teased at future possibilities or explanations for them (Teaspoon in particular). Mind, I don't think this would've fully solved the sense of irrelevance the characters besides Moondancer, Posey, and Cinna are saddled with; the best cure for that, I think, would be to give them their own aspirations, insecurities, and growth like Moondancer had, but that of course demands a much larger story to be told.

(I would much appreciate reading one or more sequel stories to this one, where Moondancer returns to the Moonlight Society, and arcs of the other characters are explored. Do let me know if you expand on this!)

I thought it was brilliant, the way you included the (not so?) subtle insinuation that Cinna was a buffoon talking out of his expertise by suggesting that Posey write a page of an epic poem in haiku. "Yeah! Just a page. Or, like, a canto, y'know. Whatever comes first. Mix it up!" It's a good set-up for the unreasonable confrontation he has next with Moondancer.

The choreography was well written, but seemed a bit inefficient at times. For example, what was the point of all those words spent describing Teaspoon almost falling backward out of his chair? Is it really necessary to pad the time between dialogue like this:

Cinna edged forward in his seat, leering. "Is that an open invitation?"

A flicker of shadow from the chandelier transformed Ferris's smile into a grimace. "Cinna."

Cinna sucked his teeth and sat back, his smirk morphing into a scowl.

Clearing her throat again, Ferris began.

just to fully showcase another one of Cinna's perverted jokes? These actions read mellifluously, but I can't help but think they're just well-written filler.

>>PinoyPony
You can, but I don't know anything more than I've just said. I don't have time right now to help you out personally. But PM me if you have questions or something.

It's a travesty that this didn't win.

Er, imagine I said that in a way that didn't insult the other art which was also good.

Wow, okay, that was unexpected. I mean, really, really unexpected. I know I have this self-effacing thing going on, but the sheer quality and polish of some of the other entries should have blown this piece out of the water. "Planning Ahead" and "Mistmane and the Torii of Time" were easily my faves, and "A Timey Nightmare" and "Lesson One" were also strong entries. And "Better Left Unfinished" was sweet, sad, and also near the top of my slate.

I'm not in any way saying anyone's opinion is flawed. I'm tremendously flattered.

Some of the rough spots can be touched up, but the core bitterness that >>Posh and >>Xepher absolutely correctly notice is so inherent to the story concept that I'd call it unfixable. I guess I'm not sure what to do with this thing now, but that's a problem for another time, I guess. Thank you to everyone for reading and writing!

In The Retrospective Light

retrograde?

So, this was not actually the story that I set out to write, first of all. It's two scene from my original outline, and its message and characterization are different from that story's.

The idea I started with was Moondancer trying to get her novel published, and being shot down repeatedly; reasons would have varied, but the common thread would be that it wasn't as good as she thought it was. Moondancer was a stronger, more assertive character in the outline, too, and her arc reflected this. Rather than being a generic wallflower who was afraid of sharing, she was the kind of writer who was self-confident to a fault, and unwilling to accept that there was anything wrong with her (thinly autobiographical) novel.

The tie-in to the prompt was this: During that time she spent alone, she had all the time in the world, and did nothing of value with it -- except write her book, which she considered the one saving grace from that era of her life. And even that turns out to be, in her own mind, worthless, since she can't get it published, and nopony even likes it. What does that say about her?

Problem was, the story was structured in such a way that it essentially started over with every new scene. The first person she approached was Twilight, the second was Twilight Velvet, the third was the writing group. Each time, a new character(s) for Moondancer to interact with was introduced, the book was reintroduced, and the conversations she had with each of them followed a similar pattern. That, plus a shrinking timeframe within which to work, led me to cut the first two thirds of the story, and focus on developing the final scene.

Clearly, with mixed results.

>>Rao picked up on a meta-aspect to this story that was... semi-intentional? As did Dubs, I was shopping the idea around to him. Incidentally, having never attended a real writing workshop, outside of college creative writing classes, his advice was essential to helping me nail down some of the particulars; the happiest moment of my life was when he read Ferris Wheel's dialogue and said "yup, that's a writing workshop." Then he gave me tendies. :3

But back to my point: While I kind of expected people to read this as writeoff meta, I didn't necessarily intend for it to be writeoff meta. None of the characters or their attitudes are supposed to reflect anything in particular about the writeoff, which I generally think is a more positive environment than the Moonlight Society's, which seems to foster lots and lots of douchebags.

Obviously, however, I based Cinnabar on that fucker Not_A_Hat. D:<

Kidding. The side characters were actually, in some cases, based on IRL people. Aubergine and Teaspoon aren't, but Cinna is supposed to reflect a guy from my girlfriend's grad cohort, and Ferris Wheel is directly patterned after one of my favorite professors in college on whom I had a crush. Criticism of them not being developed enough is valid; I feel >>Paracompact's pain, in particular. I had wanted to give each of them their own time in the spotlight, but, time constraints...

(Speaking of, Para, I see your point about the padding between lines of dialogue; that's an old crutch of mine. Although I defend to the death the lengthy descriptions of Teaspoon falling backward in his chair. Face me with sword in hand, thou fiend)

To >>Trick_Question and >>Xepher, I'd like to clarify that Posey being Fluttershy is... not actually supposed to be much of a twist. I'm a little surprised that it ended up being one; I wanted to telegraph, as early as possible, that Posey was Incognitoshy. As >>Samey90 and Rao mention, "Posey" was the G1 equivalent of Flutterbutter, and Faust has said that Fluttershy's original name was Posey, before copyright issues forced a change. The real mystery/twist was supposed to be what the fuck she was doing there in the first place.

...Which I think people felt was explained and justified very thinly.

I might go back to this story; I might not. If I do, I might try playing with the original outline and selling my first concept, returning to Moondancer's characterization as an overconfident, insecure, inexperienced young writer -- still an archetype, but a different archetype. Closer to the "fourteen year old fanfic writer who can't take criticism" model than the "Fluttershy still pees a little when people look directly at her.

>>scifipony

Writing something that gets a reader into a story is a hook. That would be your unexpected (some would say "incestuous") choice of a writers workshop. I'm not saying that's bad, but understand that in writing to an expected audience brings benefits and responsibilities.

The responsibility (yours) is to keep your reader interested enough to finish the story. I really wanted to figuratively throw the book down a number of times—and that would have been a shame. The words boring and tortuous come to mind, but please bear with me; I'm being honest, hopefully in a way Cinna was not.

You're also being unnecessarily condescending.

Nevertheless, your point about the lack of brevity is well taken. I think if I'd paced myself better when writing this, given myself more time to work, I could've/would've/should've revised the paragraphs of expository description, integrated them alongside the dialogue more effectively.

Anyway, thanks to everyone who read and reviewed; I didn't expect this to make finals, but I'm pleasantly surprised that it did. I'm glad it struck a chord with so many. ^^

>>Posh

Fluttershy still pees a little when people look directly at her.

hot

>>Posh

You're also being unnecessarily condescending.

The problem with text is emotion doesn't come across clearly. I don't think scifipony is trying to be condescending here. It's hard to criticize with honesty without sending that impression.

I love how everyone that guessed the art got it right

The Phoenix Festival
a retrospective

First off, thanks to everypony who read and commented! I almost guessed the exact order of the winners (not the same order I voted) except I thought Posh would be eighth (meta is hard) and I figured I'd come in fifth because I thought CiG's obvious story would trump mine.

>>Zaid Val'Roa
I'd like to have the two revelations separated more than they currently are, so I'm tempted for Shining Armor to realize the more disturbing bit in a separate scene. I'm still not certain that I need another scene to make it work, though.

>>Xepher
I'll make it more explicit that bringing a pony back from death is "the one thing magic can't do".

>>Baal Bunny
I'll add a couple lines of dialogue to clarify that (in Cadance's words) whatever the Crystal Heart does literally, physically removes the memories from the brain altogether, and Twilight's spell can only restore memories that were locked away or forgotten. I'd prefer it to make some sense, but not a lot of sense, prior to the revelation (at which point it should make perfect sense).

>>Not_A_Hat
It's vital to the story that the dream lead directly into the waking moment (that seamless transition is the biggest clue the reader is given as to what's actually going on), so I think it would be a mistake to start the story after the dream. I agree it would be a stronger hook but I don't think it should be changed.

I agree that a focus on motivations would improve the story. Most of that missing from this draft was due to time constraints in banging the story out.

>>Posh

By that, I mean there aren't very many moments where Shining Armor stops to smell the narrative roses, reflect on the information he's told, and deduct the direction he's supposed to go in.

I agree a story of this length with as much going on as it has needs more horse words, in particular to focus more on the character motivations that Not A Hat commented on. However, I don't agree that the reader should be treated to Shining Armor's literal thoughts. It would be easy to turn this story into a telly mess. I'd like to find a way to convey Shiny's thoughts and feelings without literally dumping them on the reader. I do that at one point at the end of the library scene, and even that's close to pushing it for my taste. I'll try to come up with a way to show his mindset with some subtlety to it.

As for the breakneck pace you feel, I can try to slow down the narrative but I don't agree that it seems driven by outside forces:

(Not to harp on that point too much, but this is a character piece that doesn't feel driven by the characters' actions or emotions, which is my main critique)

For emotions, this is sort of what Not A Hat was getting at with motivations, which I agree with. But everything in the story is driven by the characters' actions, so you've lost me on that point. The first three sections should feel out of control of the protagonist, which is the whole point: he is literally being swept through circumstances that are out of his control. The rest of the story is Shiny doing detective work (not counting Twilight invading his dreams, but even there I think his focus is on understanding). That work needs to seem more motivated, and perhaps elaborating upon that motivation will make it feel more like the story is under his control.

And the fact that everybody is in on this conspiracy, and just sort of rolls with it, even aiding and abetting Cadance in lying to Shining Armor, time and time again, except for Twilight, and by extension, Spike...

Illuminating motivations will help, but I think Twilight's motivations are intentionally mixed her. Everypony wants Shiny to be happy, but Twilight also misses seeing him. Helping him stems from her weakness to not respond and the hex doesn't prevent her from doing it. I thought the motivations were clear on her part.

Uh. Time travel's function in this story is unclear. The role it plays in Cadance's thing. I don't get it. I don't see its necessity.

I'm not sure how that isn't clear. Cadance needed to make copies of her husband when he was young in order to exact her plan, and to do that she had to travel to the past.

The library scene seemed superfluous

Really? I don't agree at all. It serves multiple purposes in the story: follow-up on the dream to show his obsession, discovery of one of the biggest clues in the mystery, and illustrating how much society has changed in his absence and how fish-out-of-water that must feel to him.

The "Friendlandia" bit was funny, but placed awkwardly; it disrupts the tone that the author's going for in that part of the story, and would probably go better at the piece's beginning.

That dissonance was intentional. The story was getting too grimdark and I needed a reminder that this is still ponies.

Thanks again to all the responses! I'll be mulling over everything y'all have given me and hopefully will produce a really great story this weekend due to your patient assistance. <3

>>Trick_Question
>>Xepher
>>Posh
>>CoffeeMinion
>>Rao
-
>>Trick_Question
>>scifipony
>>Xepher
>>Posh
>>Trick_Question
>>Skywriter
-
>>Trick_Question
>>Xepher
>>Rocket Lawn Chair
>>Posh

---

Speaking with complete honesty, I don't have it in me to go through each and every comment. Given my extreme work-rate during these writeoffs, I expected to stumble sooner or later, but I still disappointed myself. Seeing that I've produced this sort of mixed and muddled result takes the wind out of my sails. My reach exceeded my grasp. So no in-depth responses from me today, I'm afraid.

That said, I really am grateful for every piece of feedback received. Criticism, praise, or a mix of the two: it's all valuable material for future reference. The specific critique about the uncertain style and lack of clarity is a bugbear I've long needed to deal with. I've got the message, don't you worry.

So thank you all for the helpful feedback, and apologies for the disappointment and dissatisfaction incurred along the way (that was absolutely not my intention, believe you me). Maybe next time, I'll be capable enough to up my game, but I'm clearly not quite there yet.

Lastly, many congratulations to >>Skywriter, >>Rocket Lawn Chair, and >>Xepher for knocking it out of the park. I salute your exemplary efforts, and I hope to see you again in future writeoffs.