Hey! It looks like you're new here. You might want to check out the introduction.
Show rules for this event
candy bar with relish
I will pass, thanks. :) Pinkie would probably just shrug and scarf it.
This story is a pleasant heartwarmer, a oven-warm cookie with chocolate chunks of Friendship power and macadamia nuts of sleep-disorder advice. It treads no fresh or exciting ground, but is comforting on a cold day. I’m placing it in my mid-tier.
This reads like the Cliff's Notes version of an amazing adventure fic full of twists, turns and shocking revelations. Not so much as a standalone story.
Don't take it personally, author. I genuinely like what I see here, but it's not a full story. It's the pitch of a great one. I'll be the first to admit time constraints and real life can put a damper on one's efforts, so I won't fault you for that. The concepts and plot pints you have in here are interesting and I want to see them developed into a full fledged story where I can be at the edge of my seat wondering what will happen next and if Equestria can be saved.
Right now, though, I can't in good conscience give this full marks.
Don't take it personally, author. I genuinely like what I see here, but it's not a full story. It's the pitch of a great one. I'll be the first to admit time constraints and real life can put a damper on one's efforts, so I won't fault you for that. The concepts and plot pints you have in here are interesting and I want to see them developed into a full fledged story where I can be at the edge of my seat wondering what will happen next and if Equestria can be saved.
Right now, though, I can't in good conscience give this full marks.
Weird question for the art round. Is graphic design/photomanipulation allowed?
For example, if someone submitted something like this:
https://img00.deviantart.net/ce2a/i/2013/037/4/3/discord_in_the_metro__pirl__by_colorfulbrony-d5tqc1b.jpg
And the caption included a link back to the main resources used like this:
Would that be acceptable? Or is the focus more on painting/sketching and stuff?
For example, if someone submitted something like this:
https://img00.deviantart.net/ce2a/i/2013/037/4/3/discord_in_the_metro__pirl__by_colorfulbrony-d5tqc1b.jpg
And the caption included a link back to the main resources used like this:
Src: https://c-h-loboguerrero-c.deviantart.com/art/discord-vector-278942900
Would that be acceptable? Or is the focus more on painting/sketching and stuff?
>>Chinchillax
Look through some previous rounds. I think there's some stuff like that in there.
Look through some previous rounds. I think there's some stuff like that in there.
I agree with Twilight, Rarity is kind of a bitch for most of the story. Where does that come from? I can understand wanting to get a taste of finer things, but she comes of as entitled for the first half of the story. It got better as the story went on, but that was a jarring first impression.
I liked seeing their night out, and the little scenes were fun, right up until the end. Luna comes in, they talk for a while, and then the story stops. There's no real resolution here, no closure, no end realisation. Twilight and Rarity patch things up, yes, but that comes almost one thousand words before the end.
I'd suggest tightening the narrative here, focus on the story you want to tell and build your scenes around that. Right now it just reads as a series of barely connected--yet definitely entertaining--vignettes.
I liked seeing their night out, and the little scenes were fun, right up until the end. Luna comes in, they talk for a while, and then the story stops. There's no real resolution here, no closure, no end realisation. Twilight and Rarity patch things up, yes, but that comes almost one thousand words before the end.
I'd suggest tightening the narrative here, focus on the story you want to tell and build your scenes around that. Right now it just reads as a series of barely connected--yet definitely entertaining--vignettes.
>>Pascoite
I suppose this piece answers my question and gives an "A-Okay" to graphic design/photomanipulation.
Good to know!
I suppose this piece answers my question and gives an "A-Okay" to graphic design/photomanipulation.
Good to know!
Part of me feels disappointed that Twilight didn't name the spaceship Harmony I. You've got to think ahead Twiggles. Also, that is one slow count-down.
This was entertaining. Though I don't think Twilight's fears come across that clearly in the opening scene. I mean, for a moment I thought she was getting ready for something bad happening, so once it finally became clear, I was left a bit confused.
I would've liked to see a bit more of Twilight's thoughts regarding the space program. Seeing how its success is Twilight's main source of conflict. I want to know how hard it was for Twilight to make this a reality, what sacrifices she made, what this means for Equestria, then I can be as invested as she is into it.
Oh, well. I liked the story, but I would've preferred a more fleshed out motivation.
This was entertaining. Though I don't think Twilight's fears come across that clearly in the opening scene. I mean, for a moment I thought she was getting ready for something bad happening, so once it finally became clear, I was left a bit confused.
I would've liked to see a bit more of Twilight's thoughts regarding the space program. Seeing how its success is Twilight's main source of conflict. I want to know how hard it was for Twilight to make this a reality, what sacrifices she made, what this means for Equestria, then I can be as invested as she is into it.
Oh, well. I liked the story, but I would've preferred a more fleshed out motivation.
I'm trying to put my finger on what threw me with this story. It might be that Twilight and Celestia are acting unlike I've ever seen them before—the former very mopey in an abstract way, and the latter remarkably casual considering the circumstances—but this is clearly set a long time from the show, so it's not unbelievable. Maybe it was just the few typos here and there, but they can be forgiven for such a tight turnaround. Maybe it's the fact that Twilight and Celestia both independently acknowledged their relationship when they were child and adult, before swooping into a kiss. But I am pretty biased against romance, so it may just be me.
I think it may be the title. It's used seven times in the story, but I don't understand why you're drawing so much attention to it. This feels like a story about the hardship of letting go, about the terrible weight that leaders face, and about the daunting yet thrilling task of designing the future. So where do the words "another lifetime" fit in? Here, they're used to dwell on a past that's barely pertinent to the mission at hand, or to mention that Twilight has habits from who she used to be. But these threads seem unimportant to the main plot line, at least to me. These two words definitely fit into the themes of the story—take the last titledrop as an example—but I think it needs more thought as to how it fits. Because when it's the title of your story, the reader's going to notice it, and they should notice it for a reason, right?
But the more I think on it, the more this story is growing on me. I like how the prompt has been inverted, from the end of all things to the start of everything yet to come. I like the pacing. It didn't overstay its welcome or disappear before I got to know it, and the information trickled out at a good rate. I like the characterization of Star Chaser, too.
Overall, it's something worth reading; I just think it could be more impactful with a little bit more of a solid theme/framework. Thanks for submitting and good luck!
I think it may be the title. It's used seven times in the story, but I don't understand why you're drawing so much attention to it. This feels like a story about the hardship of letting go, about the terrible weight that leaders face, and about the daunting yet thrilling task of designing the future. So where do the words "another lifetime" fit in? Here, they're used to dwell on a past that's barely pertinent to the mission at hand, or to mention that Twilight has habits from who she used to be. But these threads seem unimportant to the main plot line, at least to me. These two words definitely fit into the themes of the story—take the last titledrop as an example—but I think it needs more thought as to how it fits. Because when it's the title of your story, the reader's going to notice it, and they should notice it for a reason, right?
But the more I think on it, the more this story is growing on me. I like how the prompt has been inverted, from the end of all things to the start of everything yet to come. I like the pacing. It didn't overstay its welcome or disappear before I got to know it, and the information trickled out at a good rate. I like the characterization of Star Chaser, too.
Overall, it's something worth reading; I just think it could be more impactful with a little bit more of a solid theme/framework. Thanks for submitting and good luck!
>>Chinchillax
Yes, graphic manipulation is fine, but you should take care with your sources. I knew that Michelangelo was unlikely to complain about misappropriation when I made that. If you’re making use of non-PD art, that’s a touchy subject, even if you credit the artist. I suggest that if you have any doubts, run what you intend to do past Roger in email or PM.
Yes, graphic manipulation is fine, but you should take care with your sources. I knew that Michelangelo was unlikely to complain about misappropriation when I made that. If you’re making use of non-PD art, that’s a touchy subject, even if you credit the artist. I suggest that if you have any doubts, run what you intend to do past Roger in email or PM.
This is a really, really tough story to attempt, and I'm sorry to say that I'm not sure it's even possible.
See, this story only makes sense to someone who has already watched the movie, and the problem that they're going to have is that they've already watched the movie. There's no tension—which I'm sure you're aware—because the reader knows what's going to happen. So all that you can rely on is that we want to know exactly what Tempest was thinking when she sacrificed herself.
But here's the thing: This scene played out in just a few moments—it was compact, it contained almost no words, and most importantly, the decision Tempest made was something that had been built up to, so the audience could figure it out for themselves. Heck, some would say it was even too predictable!
This plays into the tired, but important, old critique of show vs tell narration. The movie showed Tempest's decision, while this story told it. In fairness, it's a lot easier to show things in TV shows and movies than it is in a written story, but isn't that part of what makes them so enthralling?
I think this story is a good exercise in exploring Tempest's thought process and dissecting something from the film. But as an actual story, it's hard to really get into.
But those are just my thoughts. Thanks a lot for submitting, and good luck!
P.S. I'm also not sure what the title is referring to...?
See, this story only makes sense to someone who has already watched the movie, and the problem that they're going to have is that they've already watched the movie. There's no tension—which I'm sure you're aware—because the reader knows what's going to happen. So all that you can rely on is that we want to know exactly what Tempest was thinking when she sacrificed herself.
But here's the thing: This scene played out in just a few moments—it was compact, it contained almost no words, and most importantly, the decision Tempest made was something that had been built up to, so the audience could figure it out for themselves. Heck, some would say it was even too predictable!
This plays into the tired, but important, old critique of show vs tell narration. The movie showed Tempest's decision, while this story told it. In fairness, it's a lot easier to show things in TV shows and movies than it is in a written story, but isn't that part of what makes them so enthralling?
I think this story is a good exercise in exploring Tempest's thought process and dissecting something from the film. But as an actual story, it's hard to really get into.
But those are just my thoughts. Thanks a lot for submitting, and good luck!
P.S. I'm also not sure what the title is referring to...?
Genre: VH1’s Behind the Villain
Thoughts: For me, this story’s strength lies in the structural solidity of its prose, and in the intimacy of Chrysalis’ perspective. There’s good and competent writing going on in here, which is not to be discounted! However, from a plot perspective, I kept waiting for a storytelling hook beyond those things. And this might be an example of what Horizon said about authors and readers sometimes having different goals; however, I would rather see some broader scope to the narrative, even if it meant having less tightness from a technical perspective.
Consider the question of how we the audience are meant to feel at the end of a given story. Sometimes the most relevant question isn’t if we understand how a given character feels at the end (though hopefully that’s clear and contributes to the rest of the work), but if the work helps lead the reader to a new or different feeling and/or understanding about the characters and situation. In this case I think the main narrative goal is getting to see Chrysalis’ badness up close and personal, but IMO we see enough of that in-show to blunt some of its novelty.
Sorry Author! Keep writing, and—
Tier: Keep Developing
Thoughts: For me, this story’s strength lies in the structural solidity of its prose, and in the intimacy of Chrysalis’ perspective. There’s good and competent writing going on in here, which is not to be discounted! However, from a plot perspective, I kept waiting for a storytelling hook beyond those things. And this might be an example of what Horizon said about authors and readers sometimes having different goals; however, I would rather see some broader scope to the narrative, even if it meant having less tightness from a technical perspective.
Consider the question of how we the audience are meant to feel at the end of a given story. Sometimes the most relevant question isn’t if we understand how a given character feels at the end (though hopefully that’s clear and contributes to the rest of the work), but if the work helps lead the reader to a new or different feeling and/or understanding about the characters and situation. In this case I think the main narrative goal is getting to see Chrysalis’ badness up close and personal, but IMO we see enough of that in-show to blunt some of its novelty.
Sorry Author! Keep writing, and—
Tier: Keep Developing
It took me a second to realise the "Next" didn't mean "Next Chapter".
As a first chapter of a story, this is pretty good. You've got an interesting set up with Human World Shimmer and Bob. The idea of an unspecified trial to earn her pass to The Good Place is intriguing, and your characterisation is solid. On those aspects, I give you full marks.
As a standalone story, though, I can't say the same. All these questions are raised and then it ends before we get an inkling of what's really going on. Hell, we still don't know what the trial is supposed to be. Also, The Shimmers agree to work together a bit too easily to feel realistic.
If you do intend to turn this into a complete story, sign me up. Until then, I can't say this story stands on its own.
As a first chapter of a story, this is pretty good. You've got an interesting set up with Human World Shimmer and Bob. The idea of an unspecified trial to earn her pass to The Good Place is intriguing, and your characterisation is solid. On those aspects, I give you full marks.
As a standalone story, though, I can't say the same. All these questions are raised and then it ends before we get an inkling of what's really going on. Hell, we still don't know what the trial is supposed to be. Also, The Shimmers agree to work together a bit too easily to feel realistic.
If you do intend to turn this into a complete story, sign me up. Until then, I can't say this story stands on its own.
Maybe it's the masochist in me, but there are few things in life I like more than a tale about romantic loss.
From the begining I found myself pulled into the atmosphere you built here. Going through Sunset's routine in that mechanical way while getting little hints about something kept me intrigued. Here I'll say that I wished you would've weaved more of Sunset's thoughts into the narrative so we could get a firmer grasp on her mindset and make that sense of grief pack more of a punch.
Nevertheless, I really liked this story, and it's amongst my favourites so far.
From the begining I found myself pulled into the atmosphere you built here. Going through Sunset's routine in that mechanical way while getting little hints about something kept me intrigued. Here I'll say that I wished you would've weaved more of Sunset's thoughts into the narrative so we could get a firmer grasp on her mindset and make that sense of grief pack more of a punch.
Nevertheless, I really liked this story, and it's amongst my favourites so far.
My initial read I was going back and forth on the first section as to whether this was a parting or reunion, as it had shades of both, and her actions didn't quite fit. Everything makes much more sense on the re-read, of course.
I did feel like I was getting mixed messages throughout, but not to the point where I saw the twist coming. Overall it was solid, and impressive that the narrative worked on both levels. It dug up a number of questions, though, as we're left to infer just who this is, and how they've had their hoof in past events; as >>horizon pointed out - it's still up for interpretation.
The ending definitely unwound the tension as compared to the meeting with Celestia, though with hints at further depths left unexplained. Overall, I found it intriguing and well written, but I'm left without any firm conclusions.
I did feel like I was getting mixed messages throughout, but not to the point where I saw the twist coming. Overall it was solid, and impressive that the narrative worked on both levels. It dug up a number of questions, though, as we're left to infer just who this is, and how they've had their hoof in past events; as >>horizon pointed out - it's still up for interpretation.
The ending definitely unwound the tension as compared to the meeting with Celestia, though with hints at further depths left unexplained. Overall, I found it intriguing and well written, but I'm left without any firm conclusions.
Something about the way the first sentence is structured made me think that the story wasn't about Dash; that it was some other pony discussing Dash's perspective. It gets cleared up relatively quickly, but still started me off wrongfooted.
The getting caught bit was unsettling, as was the near rape - in real-unsexy way which is actually somewhat surprising to get from Dash's reactions, given what's revealed later.
I liked Dash's logic in extricating herself from the situation, which made it all the more surprising later on.
I started to think that Dash was monologuing to the Dr for an awfully long time without him making notes or commenting, only for that to be undermined when it was revealed that she was his regular patient, and the reasons behind it.
If nothing else, this story was unafraid to take risks. Both in terms of subject and the aggressive twists. Multiple times it took a direction that caught me off guard, though part of that was from me not seeing much foreshadowing. It also made it harder for me to empathize with the characters, as a twist would catch me cold and toss me out of alignment.
The ending worked reasonably well, as it finally settled down and started to delve into some deeper themes, but the start was rockier, as it felt a bit like a roller coaster and didn't really sell me on the relationship. I know it's hard to have a light touch when dropping bombshells, though, so this is by no means a bad result.
The getting caught bit was unsettling, as was the near rape - in real-unsexy way which is actually somewhat surprising to get from Dash's reactions, given what's revealed later.
I liked Dash's logic in extricating herself from the situation, which made it all the more surprising later on.
I started to think that Dash was monologuing to the Dr for an awfully long time without him making notes or commenting, only for that to be undermined when it was revealed that she was his regular patient, and the reasons behind it.
If nothing else, this story was unafraid to take risks. Both in terms of subject and the aggressive twists. Multiple times it took a direction that caught me off guard, though part of that was from me not seeing much foreshadowing. It also made it harder for me to empathize with the characters, as a twist would catch me cold and toss me out of alignment.
The ending worked reasonably well, as it finally settled down and started to delve into some deeper themes, but the start was rockier, as it felt a bit like a roller coaster and didn't really sell me on the relationship. I know it's hard to have a light touch when dropping bombshells, though, so this is by no means a bad result.
I did not expect to come across a thriller, yet here we are. Not that I complain, this was a great read.
Not a single moment passed when I didn't feel engaged, kudos for that. Regarding criticism, I'll mostly echo >>Baal Bunny in that getting to know a bit more about the conspiracy would help the reader get more invested, if not in their success, but perhaps in the conspirators themselves.
This leads into my second issue, the characters themselves. You did a good job in fleshing them out, but I wish we could have gotten to know more of their motivations, how Lazulite swayed each of the to ther cause, what they're putting in the line and what they hope to achieve in the future.
Still, this was one of the most enjoyable stories so far, and I can't wait to see it polished and maybe expanded.
Not a single moment passed when I didn't feel engaged, kudos for that. Regarding criticism, I'll mostly echo >>Baal Bunny in that getting to know a bit more about the conspiracy would help the reader get more invested, if not in their success, but perhaps in the conspirators themselves.
This leads into my second issue, the characters themselves. You did a good job in fleshing them out, but I wish we could have gotten to know more of their motivations, how Lazulite swayed each of the to ther cause, what they're putting in the line and what they hope to achieve in the future.
Still, this was one of the most enjoyable stories so far, and I can't wait to see it polished and maybe expanded.
I see a fresh cake and I want it at half price
One mug of cider and I will be coming twice
I see a filly pass by dressed in fancy attire
One more complain and I'll set them on fire
I see a line of ponies, frenzy in their eyes
With pockets full of bits, the tension's on the rise
I see them flock inside and quickly lose control
Like a writhing mass of instinct with no heart nor soul
Ah, Black Friday. Tell me, US friends, is it as hilariously horrible as the rest of the world perceives it? Either way, unlike >>Trick_Question I did enjoy the story. However, I do have an issue with comedies relying on everyone's brains flatlining to get the plot rolling, and there's definitely a case of that happening here with Twilight. Why is she acting like that at the begining? Why is she declaring a week long sales bender without making sure the town can take it? Why hasn't she spent a whole month carefully planning this? We are talking about Twilight, right?
Nevertheless, once I got over that, I found the rest of the story to be quite enjoyable. The way each of the girls dealt with Big Friends-day Sale was funny, and I laughed at several parts. The ending, I believe, was also nice. Just straight up giving up and running away from the crass consumerism of the holidays.
I hope you don't get discouraged, and polish this story so it doesn't rely in ooc-ness to get itself going. Cheers!
One mug of cider and I will be coming twice
I see a filly pass by dressed in fancy attire
One more complain and I'll set them on fire
I see a line of ponies, frenzy in their eyes
With pockets full of bits, the tension's on the rise
I see them flock inside and quickly lose control
Like a writhing mass of instinct with no heart nor soul
Ah, Black Friday. Tell me, US friends, is it as hilariously horrible as the rest of the world perceives it? Either way, unlike >>Trick_Question I did enjoy the story. However, I do have an issue with comedies relying on everyone's brains flatlining to get the plot rolling, and there's definitely a case of that happening here with Twilight. Why is she acting like that at the begining? Why is she declaring a week long sales bender without making sure the town can take it? Why hasn't she spent a whole month carefully planning this? We are talking about Twilight, right?
Nevertheless, once I got over that, I found the rest of the story to be quite enjoyable. The way each of the girls dealt with Big Friends-day Sale was funny, and I laughed at several parts. The ending, I believe, was also nice. Just straight up giving up and running away from the crass consumerism of the holidays.
I hope you don't get discouraged, and polish this story so it doesn't rely in ooc-ness to get itself going. Cheers!
>>Pascoite
-gulps-
I, I guess I can try to leave it up. Good to know there is a way out if I really lose it though. Panic attacks aren't fun >_<
-gulps-
I, I guess I can try to leave it up. Good to know there is a way out if I really lose it though. Panic attacks aren't fun >_<
>>Zaid Val'Roa
Black Friday isn't anything like the stories.
The US has a third of a billion people. There are rare stories of crowd fights and people trampled once a decade and somehow this means everything is crazy everywhere. It's not even as much of a thing now that most shopping gets done online.
Black Friday isn't anything like the stories.
The US has a third of a billion people. There are rare stories of crowd fights and people trampled once a decade and somehow this means everything is crazy everywhere. It's not even as much of a thing now that most shopping gets done online.
>>Kitcat36
Panic attacks definitely aren't fun. Take care of your mental health and do what you need to do for yourself.
That said, please do consider leaving your story up, even if you think it's bad and/or it scores poorly. Thank you for putting it out there. You can learn a lot from examining your work, even the old and/or "bad" stuff, and others can learn from you as well. As >>Pascoite said, nobody out here is judging you as a person for your writing, or judging your writing harshly. We like writing, we like your writing and we want to help you. Relax, enjoy, come back and keep at it. I'll look forward to seeing you in the Original rounds too!
Sincerely,
A fellow panic attack sufferer and perceived "harsh critic"
Panic attacks definitely aren't fun. Take care of your mental health and do what you need to do for yourself.
That said, please do consider leaving your story up, even if you think it's bad and/or it scores poorly. Thank you for putting it out there. You can learn a lot from examining your work, even the old and/or "bad" stuff, and others can learn from you as well. As >>Pascoite said, nobody out here is judging you as a person for your writing, or judging your writing harshly. We like writing, we like your writing and we want to help you. Relax, enjoy, come back and keep at it. I'll look forward to seeing you in the Original rounds too!
Sincerely,
A fellow panic attack sufferer and perceived "harsh critic"
My synopsis:
Twilight wonders what it would be like to die.
Overall thoughts:
I thought this was boring, with flickers of warmth and a tiny gem of brightness in the closing paragraphs.
+
Some of the imagery works nicely, when you're setting the scene at the start.
Celestia's paragraph feels like Celestia: wise but not omniscient, with a motherly tone.
I liked the ending: from where Spike turns up onwards. More is conveyed here about Twilight, who she is and how she feels, than in the entire rest of the text. It's short but it seems genuine.
-
I found the whole thing quite dull and dry. I think that's because it's mostly distant-past exposition; worse, it's mostly expositing things that we outright know (Twi was Celestia's student) or can very easily presume (Twi was precocious) instead of giving new insight into Twi's past or current feelings.
It dumps this: "Twilight had a boyfriend but things didn't work out" on the reader with very little tact. No leadup, not much explanation. Not much thought seemed to be put in; I think this was just to set up her having a kid and it was sloppily done.
There are technical problems with the writing in places. Things like: "was soon followed later", which really makes no sense – pick one or the other.
--
The piece spends a lot of time trying to tell the reader: "Twilight Sparkle is Twilight Sparkle, she thinks Twilight Sparkle things" but the things she has done didn't always ring very true to Twi to me, and you didn't explore anything in enough depth for it to have much impact.
Getting frustrated at honest "we don't know" answers doesn't seem like her. Take it from a precocious child: people pretending to know and lying is ten times worse than "I don't know". You learn to appreciate "I don't know".
We don't know how she felt or coped with the death of her grandmother – was she sad? scared? indifferent? You never say.
Being embarrassed post-hoc about getting into a relationship, well after the end of that relationship (I think?), doesn't seem like her.
When I got to this line: "her mind traveled back to when she was nine years old." I literally threw my hands up. Because I understood that you were trying to set things up, but I thought you finally ready to go somewhere! And then you plunged into another vaguely-retold experience. If you had a scene break here, you could tell the events of that night in real-time. You could have Twilight actually experience the funeral; we could be with her as she deals with loss. Instead there's yet more exposition. I was so frustrated with you.
Rating:
Needs a lot of work.
I'm sorry to have to be so harsh. You could certainly hammer the concept into something. It reads like an outline rather than a story in it's own right.
Twilight wonders what it would be like to die.
Overall thoughts:
I thought this was boring, with flickers of warmth and a tiny gem of brightness in the closing paragraphs.
+
Some of the imagery works nicely, when you're setting the scene at the start.
Celestia's paragraph feels like Celestia: wise but not omniscient, with a motherly tone.
I liked the ending: from where Spike turns up onwards. More is conveyed here about Twilight, who she is and how she feels, than in the entire rest of the text. It's short but it seems genuine.
-
I found the whole thing quite dull and dry. I think that's because it's mostly distant-past exposition; worse, it's mostly expositing things that we outright know (Twi was Celestia's student) or can very easily presume (Twi was precocious) instead of giving new insight into Twi's past or current feelings.
It dumps this: "Twilight had a boyfriend but things didn't work out" on the reader with very little tact. No leadup, not much explanation. Not much thought seemed to be put in; I think this was just to set up her having a kid and it was sloppily done.
There are technical problems with the writing in places. Things like: "was soon followed later", which really makes no sense – pick one or the other.
--
The piece spends a lot of time trying to tell the reader: "Twilight Sparkle is Twilight Sparkle, she thinks Twilight Sparkle things" but the things she has done didn't always ring very true to Twi to me, and you didn't explore anything in enough depth for it to have much impact.
Getting frustrated at honest "we don't know" answers doesn't seem like her. Take it from a precocious child: people pretending to know and lying is ten times worse than "I don't know". You learn to appreciate "I don't know".
We don't know how she felt or coped with the death of her grandmother – was she sad? scared? indifferent? You never say.
Being embarrassed post-hoc about getting into a relationship, well after the end of that relationship (I think?), doesn't seem like her.
When I got to this line: "her mind traveled back to when she was nine years old." I literally threw my hands up. Because I understood that you were trying to set things up, but I thought you finally ready to go somewhere! And then you plunged into another vaguely-retold experience. If you had a scene break here, you could tell the events of that night in real-time. You could have Twilight actually experience the funeral; we could be with her as she deals with loss. Instead there's yet more exposition. I was so frustrated with you.
Rating:
Needs a lot of work.
I'm sorry to have to be so harsh. You could certainly hammer the concept into something. It reads like an outline rather than a story in it's own right.
My synopsis:
Rainbow Dash's ongoing struggle with her inner daemons intensifies when Scootaloo tries to rape her
Overall thoughts:
I didn't like this. I also thought it had problems, as a story.
"Rainbow's" struggle seems to have something to it. I just didn't care.
+
Treats a delicate and scary subject matter with a surprising amount of respect, once it gets to the second scene. Just as in real life, there are no easy answers here.
I think there's a moral, and I think it's: "Don't touch kids. Seek medical help if you need it", and I think I approve.
The opening, pre-Scootarape, did engage me. I just didn't like where the story took me: I thought Scoots might have been possessed and I was down with that happening. The lurch was sudden and not unwelcome, but it went left instead of right. Finding out that she's just a deeply troubled kid isn't as fun or rewarding, especially since she's given no closure whatsoever.
The whole thing is uncomfortable reading, but not in the "sledgehammer to the face" way that I would have expected, given the subject.
Technically it's not badly written, on the whole: my problems are more deeply seated.
-
I thought the first scene floundered about at the end, failing to resolve the conflict convincingly. It doesn't add much to the rest of the story either, we never go back to "Scootaloo" and her problems. Cutting (or at least re-working) the entire opening would strengthen the work as a whole.
I think I want to see Dr. Pineal's medical license, I'm not convinced it's genuine.
This doesn't feel very true to the show. I don't mean "ooh, it's so dark": I mean it seems only tangentially related to the world of Equestria and the characters that live there.
The plot needs a rapist so it casts "Scootaloo" without bringing any of her character with it. And then it basically abandons her at the end of the first scene. I don't think it's Scoots, but I do feel bad for whoever this is.
Then it turns "Rainbow Dash" into a high-functioning self-restrained paedophile, when half of Dash's character is: "I have no real impulse control". I struggled to make anything fit. Her dialogue doesn't sound like the Rainbow I know.
It brings in a boring OC doctor, because really who else could you have "Rainbow" confess to? Twilight? Celestia? Luna? Cadance? Fluttershy? Iron Will?
Is this how Equestria deals with mental health? You just see a therapist? How is that special? It seems a bit flat and unfeeling.
There are a couple of technical problems where things are not right in a few spots: some over-long sentences and some tense mismatches etc.
--
"Scootaloo" is so crazed with lust that she literally ensnares "Rainbow Dash". With a snare. Or a net – same difference. But then simply lets her go, just because "Dash" says: "Hey, how's about you don't rape me, it's not nice". My suspension of disbelief did not survive. A shame: the second half of the piece is better than this. More interesting.
Rating:
Take this elsewhere.
The characters felt too far removed from the show and setting, not much like the characters I know. I think this would stand better as a piece of original fiction, without having pony names stamped into it.
I'm not sure I'd rate this as "Teen" because the subject matter is so adult and heavy.
I think it strayed a long way from the prompt: it very much seems to be about "continuation" and "struggle" rather than having much to do with anything "ending". A mean criticism to make, perhaps.
I don't think this was terrible, although there are certainly things I thought were huge problems. I think the concept is interesting at the least, and given some thought and time this would make a creepy and unnerving little commentary piece on society, mental health and the assumptions you make about people. But I want no further part of it, thanks all the same!
Rainbow Dash's ongoing struggle with her inner daemons intensifies when Scootaloo tries to rape her
Overall thoughts:
I didn't like this. I also thought it had problems, as a story.
"Rainbow's" struggle seems to have something to it. I just didn't care.
+
Treats a delicate and scary subject matter with a surprising amount of respect, once it gets to the second scene. Just as in real life, there are no easy answers here.
I think there's a moral, and I think it's: "Don't touch kids. Seek medical help if you need it", and I think I approve.
The opening, pre-Scootarape, did engage me. I just didn't like where the story took me: I thought Scoots might have been possessed and I was down with that happening. The lurch was sudden and not unwelcome, but it went left instead of right. Finding out that she's just a deeply troubled kid isn't as fun or rewarding, especially since she's given no closure whatsoever.
The whole thing is uncomfortable reading, but not in the "sledgehammer to the face" way that I would have expected, given the subject.
Technically it's not badly written, on the whole: my problems are more deeply seated.
-
I thought the first scene floundered about at the end, failing to resolve the conflict convincingly. It doesn't add much to the rest of the story either, we never go back to "Scootaloo" and her problems. Cutting (or at least re-working) the entire opening would strengthen the work as a whole.
I think I want to see Dr. Pineal's medical license, I'm not convinced it's genuine.
This doesn't feel very true to the show. I don't mean "ooh, it's so dark": I mean it seems only tangentially related to the world of Equestria and the characters that live there.
The plot needs a rapist so it casts "Scootaloo" without bringing any of her character with it. And then it basically abandons her at the end of the first scene. I don't think it's Scoots, but I do feel bad for whoever this is.
Then it turns "Rainbow Dash" into a high-functioning self-restrained paedophile, when half of Dash's character is: "I have no real impulse control". I struggled to make anything fit. Her dialogue doesn't sound like the Rainbow I know.
It brings in a boring OC doctor, because really who else could you have "Rainbow" confess to? Twilight? Celestia? Luna? Cadance? Fluttershy? Iron Will?
Is this how Equestria deals with mental health? You just see a therapist? How is that special? It seems a bit flat and unfeeling.
There are a couple of technical problems where things are not right in a few spots: some over-long sentences and some tense mismatches etc.
--
"Scootaloo" is so crazed with lust that she literally ensnares "Rainbow Dash". With a snare. Or a net – same difference. But then simply lets her go, just because "Dash" says: "Hey, how's about you don't rape me, it's not nice". My suspension of disbelief did not survive. A shame: the second half of the piece is better than this. More interesting.
Rating:
Take this elsewhere.
The characters felt too far removed from the show and setting, not much like the characters I know. I think this would stand better as a piece of original fiction, without having pony names stamped into it.
I'm not sure I'd rate this as "Teen" because the subject matter is so adult and heavy.
I think it strayed a long way from the prompt: it very much seems to be about "continuation" and "struggle" rather than having much to do with anything "ending". A mean criticism to make, perhaps.
I don't think this was terrible, although there are certainly things I thought were huge problems. I think the concept is interesting at the least, and given some thought and time this would make a creepy and unnerving little commentary piece on society, mental health and the assumptions you make about people. But I want no further part of it, thanks all the same!
My synopsis:
Fluttershy is an eldritch horror now. It’s Discord’s fault, and Celestia has mixed feelings on the matter.
Overall thoughts:
A lovecraftian mood piece? Not normally my thing.
It reads well enough, but it only nominally held my attention. I wouldn't have been overly disappointed if I had to stop partway and never finish it. I think the teen rating hampers this from getting properly creepy enough.
A simple premise with – not a veneer but perhaps timber cladding – of depth stretched over it.
+
Celestia comes across as appropriately sympathetic-but-sadly-detached as an immortal. Ineffable, I think.
Discord has committed an unforgivable sin, but in his place I might easily do the same. His mistake is so relatable, a very human crime for a very inhuman entity.
It avoids being too maudlin, too overblown or purple. This is greater praise than I feel it sounds. It would have been easy to over-do things and sink the whole thing into quagmire, but that never happens.
I was dragged through the entire thing, even though I suspected immediately – was told, frankly – the central concept and only had those suspicions confirmed. Morbid fascination? I think that's probably the correct tone for this sort of story, but nothing surprised me at all.
Technically it's pretty good. Nice and smooth, excepting your use of parentheses: which I hated. The gross bits are pretty gross, perhaps it's impossible to do this sort of thing any real justice without breaking the rating.
-
It’s a sad piece, but it’s a restrained sadness. Because it’s told from Celestia’s point of view, we see it as she does; somewhat faintly, almost resigned.
I think I would have liked more-purple prose at times. Eldritch horror should make my skin crawl and my stomach twist. I read most of this thinking “oh, yeah, of course” and sighing almost apathetically at the mess they're in. But I never really thought "my gods, how terrible, I think I need a bucket". I think this can be done without just slapping gore around.
Some phrase choices didn’t ring true to me.
I really didn’t like the use of parentheses. Try italics?
I think the opening phrases somewhat spoil the premise. Nothing terribly unexpected happened after the first horizontal break. You may have sabotaged the work by telling me what's happening so early.
Rating:
Go big or go home.
I do wish this were more acutely bittersweet. But it plays like this: Discord has done something stupid, Celestia spends the entire story faintly thinking ‘I told you so, idiot’. Because of the way it's told, I never feel all that sorry for Discord. I never feel all that sorry for Fluttershy either, and frankly that's a little tragic in it's own right. Maybe the fault here is with me?
It wasn't bad. I don't have much else to say. I wanted to feel worse for Flutters. And maybe Discord. Or better, if they'd scraped a happier ending out of this – somehow. This seemed to sit in a terrible middle-ground where I just sort of glossed over it and nothing really stuck. It provides an interesting insight into the way Celestia thinks, perhaps, but she comes off as a bit cold and so intentionally-detached that I end up feeling the same way. Perhaps that's a triumph of the writing, if a pyrrhic one?
Fluttershy is an eldritch horror now. It’s Discord’s fault, and Celestia has mixed feelings on the matter.
Overall thoughts:
A lovecraftian mood piece? Not normally my thing.
It reads well enough, but it only nominally held my attention. I wouldn't have been overly disappointed if I had to stop partway and never finish it. I think the teen rating hampers this from getting properly creepy enough.
A simple premise with – not a veneer but perhaps timber cladding – of depth stretched over it.
+
Celestia comes across as appropriately sympathetic-but-sadly-detached as an immortal. Ineffable, I think.
Discord has committed an unforgivable sin, but in his place I might easily do the same. His mistake is so relatable, a very human crime for a very inhuman entity.
It avoids being too maudlin, too overblown or purple. This is greater praise than I feel it sounds. It would have been easy to over-do things and sink the whole thing into quagmire, but that never happens.
I was dragged through the entire thing, even though I suspected immediately – was told, frankly – the central concept and only had those suspicions confirmed. Morbid fascination? I think that's probably the correct tone for this sort of story, but nothing surprised me at all.
Technically it's pretty good. Nice and smooth, excepting your use of parentheses: which I hated. The gross bits are pretty gross, perhaps it's impossible to do this sort of thing any real justice without breaking the rating.
-
It’s a sad piece, but it’s a restrained sadness. Because it’s told from Celestia’s point of view, we see it as she does; somewhat faintly, almost resigned.
I think I would have liked more-purple prose at times. Eldritch horror should make my skin crawl and my stomach twist. I read most of this thinking “oh, yeah, of course” and sighing almost apathetically at the mess they're in. But I never really thought "my gods, how terrible, I think I need a bucket". I think this can be done without just slapping gore around.
Some phrase choices didn’t ring true to me.
I really didn’t like the use of parentheses. Try italics?
I think the opening phrases somewhat spoil the premise. Nothing terribly unexpected happened after the first horizontal break. You may have sabotaged the work by telling me what's happening so early.
Rating:
Go big or go home.
I do wish this were more acutely bittersweet. But it plays like this: Discord has done something stupid, Celestia spends the entire story faintly thinking ‘I told you so, idiot’. Because of the way it's told, I never feel all that sorry for Discord. I never feel all that sorry for Fluttershy either, and frankly that's a little tragic in it's own right. Maybe the fault here is with me?
It wasn't bad. I don't have much else to say. I wanted to feel worse for Flutters. And maybe Discord. Or better, if they'd scraped a happier ending out of this – somehow. This seemed to sit in a terrible middle-ground where I just sort of glossed over it and nothing really stuck. It provides an interesting insight into the way Celestia thinks, perhaps, but she comes off as a bit cold and so intentionally-detached that I end up feeling the same way. Perhaps that's a triumph of the writing, if a pyrrhic one?
Learning to write fiction has taught me how much it shares with nonfiction: you have to do your homework. Your research definitely shows in this piece, and the result is outstanding.
I like the story a lot, and I love the depth and setting. I think it could use a little more oomph, though. It's straightforward with no interesting twists or turns to it—the one epiphany Octy needs to have comes very quickly, and it doesn't provide a payoff that the audience can directly connect with. This is also true of the resolution: we see a bunch of musicbabble near the end that tells us the piece was hard to play, but little else about its significance. It would be nice if our protagonist had some deeper struggles before hitting an epiphanic moment, and for that epiphany to be of a more personal nature (one that anypony could understand and appreciate). You went there early with the 'connecting old and new' idea, but something relevant in that same way really needs to be the product of struggle.
To do this, you'd need to extend the story length. But I think you should, because this is a great story—it just needs more passion given the inherently emotional subject matter you're conveying. Add some drama and spice.
I like the story a lot, and I love the depth and setting. I think it could use a little more oomph, though. It's straightforward with no interesting twists or turns to it—the one epiphany Octy needs to have comes very quickly, and it doesn't provide a payoff that the audience can directly connect with. This is also true of the resolution: we see a bunch of musicbabble near the end that tells us the piece was hard to play, but little else about its significance. It would be nice if our protagonist had some deeper struggles before hitting an epiphanic moment, and for that epiphany to be of a more personal nature (one that anypony could understand and appreciate). You went there early with the 'connecting old and new' idea, but something relevant in that same way really needs to be the product of struggle.
To do this, you'd need to extend the story length. But I think you should, because this is a great story—it just needs more passion given the inherently emotional subject matter you're conveying. Add some drama and spice.
>>Kitcat36
That's something I experience every round.
You have to wait for the end of the prelims, or the end of the round if your story makes it to final.
Then, in the FIC SUBMISSION page, you can tick both square off, and that will do the trick.
I do that for all my stories. I delete them when the round is over.
<3
That's something I experience every round.
You have to wait for the end of the prelims, or the end of the round if your story makes it to final.
Then, in the FIC SUBMISSION page, you can tick both square off, and that will do the trick.
I do that for all my stories. I delete them when the round is over.
<3
My synopsis:
Ponyville hosts a Black Friday Sale. Out-of-town ponies swamp the town, and cause predictable problems.
Overall thoughts:
I liked this, though it never really made me laugh out loud.
I think this would have worked better had it been told with more background ponies. Using all of (and really, only) the mane 6 seemed quite a poor fit for the story.
Could you go back and make it about 20% more ridiculous?
+
Steadily paced, the story kept well on course and was easy and pleasant to follow.
Very nice, technically. Polished already. Straight and smooth to read.
Graaaains!
++
Twilight having to deal with morons is a laugh.
Twilight is just great here generally.
-
Steadily paced comedy: The ramp-up to disaster was kinda slow and easy to spot coming, and the final tip-over was quite underwhelming.
It really felt like it was trying to find places for all the characters to be, at times. Especially Fluttershy – at least before she gets sold.
The mane 6 are (mostly) not sales ponies, so while Rarity & The Apples seemed to have somewhat appropriate problems, Twilight selling books was weird. Which was a shame, because Twilight's customers were easily the funniest.
I don't think you should use an interrobang (‽) unironically. It doesn't actually carry as much weight as separate glyphs (!?).
--
The narrative for Pinkie got too lengthy. She's energetic and changes directions; the text of her parts got long and plodding.
Rating:
Comedy is subjective.
I didn't think this was funny enough. It was quite predictable, but where it wasn't predictable was often good.
The Apples are boring, Dash lightens things a little but not enough.
While Pinkie finding herself suddenly looking after tens of babies should be funny, the narrative tries to take her style for a bit and I really think it missed.
We don't see Rarity get offended when her shop empties, and then have to fight a weird tug-of-war between "making sales" and "having integrity". We don't see any of that, she just gets swamped and then she "does what Cnut couldn't" on the crowd. (I'm not being vulgar, that's a thing, look it up. I've given you the link.)
I think that, if you're going to use a slightly-tired premise, you need to do something more interesting with it. More outlandish. Drop some characters, focus on who's left, sprinkle in some more jokes. Dial it up a bit.
Ponyville hosts a Black Friday Sale. Out-of-town ponies swamp the town, and cause predictable problems.
Overall thoughts:
I liked this, though it never really made me laugh out loud.
I think this would have worked better had it been told with more background ponies. Using all of (and really, only) the mane 6 seemed quite a poor fit for the story.
Could you go back and make it about 20% more ridiculous?
+
Steadily paced, the story kept well on course and was easy and pleasant to follow.
Very nice, technically. Polished already. Straight and smooth to read.
Graaaains!
++
Twilight having to deal with morons is a laugh.
Twilight is just great here generally.
-
Steadily paced comedy: The ramp-up to disaster was kinda slow and easy to spot coming, and the final tip-over was quite underwhelming.
It really felt like it was trying to find places for all the characters to be, at times. Especially Fluttershy – at least before she gets sold.
The mane 6 are (mostly) not sales ponies, so while Rarity & The Apples seemed to have somewhat appropriate problems, Twilight selling books was weird. Which was a shame, because Twilight's customers were easily the funniest.
I don't think you should use an interrobang (‽) unironically. It doesn't actually carry as much weight as separate glyphs (!?).
--
The narrative for Pinkie got too lengthy. She's energetic and changes directions; the text of her parts got long and plodding.
Rating:
Comedy is subjective.
I didn't think this was funny enough. It was quite predictable, but where it wasn't predictable was often good.
The Apples are boring, Dash lightens things a little but not enough.
While Pinkie finding herself suddenly looking after tens of babies should be funny, the narrative tries to take her style for a bit and I really think it missed.
We don't see Rarity get offended when her shop empties, and then have to fight a weird tug-of-war between "making sales" and "having integrity". We don't see any of that, she just gets swamped and then she "does what Cnut couldn't" on the crowd. (I'm not being vulgar, that's a thing, look it up. I've given you the link.)
I think that, if you're going to use a slightly-tired premise, you need to do something more interesting with it. More outlandish. Drop some characters, focus on who's left, sprinkle in some more jokes. Dial it up a bit.
You're a good writer (and I think I know who you are), but I have a lot to critique here. Apologies if any of this seems harsh but it needs to be said. There are two issues I had with the story: the conflict not being well-defined or matching the resolution, and (to a lesser extent) the character voicing.
I feel like the conflict that the story resolved never fully materialized at the outset. I would have preferred if the conflict Sunset was having was not entirely internal, because this isn't supposed to be a story about overcoming insomnia; it's supposed to be a story about overcoming personal demons—and those should affect your ability to handle significant issues in the real world in a larger way than simple fatigue.
There's a bigger problem here, though: the dreams don't match what you're trying to use them to convey. The sexuality of the initial dream was a non sequitur red herring: the next day, the story informs us that everypony gets sexual dreams from melatonin, and the reader will expect that to be the primary focus of the story. Then that focus shifts abruptly and the romantic subtext never returns. More generally, I don't feel like the main dreams in any way resemble the conflict resolved in the final dream. Sunset isn't avoiding or ignoring help from her friends in the main dreams: if anything, her reliance on her friends is the problem in those dreams, because her friends aren't reliable. If you want "you're not alone" to be the message, she should be doing something in those dreams to illustrate her mental hangup. Currently, the final dream is resolving a conflict we never get to see play out in the story.
There are some small problems with character voicing. I think you're trying too hard to overtly voice the characters when you should be paying more attention to subtler things that would make their personalities come across. Rarity says "darling" three times in the short story, and she doesn't need to say it once to be Rarity. Applejack says "sugarcube" even though Sunset has never met Pony!AJ. On the other hoof, Rarity mentions having a serious mental illness in an excited tone, without any grace; Applejack casually says "fucked up" even though excessive politeness is a major part of her Southern character; Fluttershy responds to embarrassment with "also, shut up", when embarrassment is never what triggers her rage; Sunset laughs at Fluttershy being emotionally hurt by her friends when she criticized Dash for doing the same thing two days prior.
I guess my message is try to work on more subtlety in character voicing. The choices characters make (including word choice) are what evoke their personalities to the reader, and you can't actually be too subtle in characterization. For example, even when readers don't consciously notice it, AJ's politeness when she says, "beggin' your pardon" or "may" or "might" will still give them the feeling of her character. That's one of the great things about mood and characterization—you're appealing to the reader's subconscious, which gives you a lot more latitude to reach them.
Aside, I'm not sure I get Fluttershy's argument about werewolves, andI am a werewolves aren't real and we don't exist, but vampires are seen at least as contagious in fiction. Maybe it's supposed to be a frail argument because she's reacting out of shame, though.
I feel like the conflict that the story resolved never fully materialized at the outset. I would have preferred if the conflict Sunset was having was not entirely internal, because this isn't supposed to be a story about overcoming insomnia; it's supposed to be a story about overcoming personal demons—and those should affect your ability to handle significant issues in the real world in a larger way than simple fatigue.
There's a bigger problem here, though: the dreams don't match what you're trying to use them to convey. The sexuality of the initial dream was a non sequitur red herring: the next day, the story informs us that everypony gets sexual dreams from melatonin, and the reader will expect that to be the primary focus of the story. Then that focus shifts abruptly and the romantic subtext never returns. More generally, I don't feel like the main dreams in any way resemble the conflict resolved in the final dream. Sunset isn't avoiding or ignoring help from her friends in the main dreams: if anything, her reliance on her friends is the problem in those dreams, because her friends aren't reliable. If you want "you're not alone" to be the message, she should be doing something in those dreams to illustrate her mental hangup. Currently, the final dream is resolving a conflict we never get to see play out in the story.
There are some small problems with character voicing. I think you're trying too hard to overtly voice the characters when you should be paying more attention to subtler things that would make their personalities come across. Rarity says "darling" three times in the short story, and she doesn't need to say it once to be Rarity. Applejack says "sugarcube" even though Sunset has never met Pony!AJ. On the other hoof, Rarity mentions having a serious mental illness in an excited tone, without any grace; Applejack casually says "fucked up" even though excessive politeness is a major part of her Southern character; Fluttershy responds to embarrassment with "also, shut up", when embarrassment is never what triggers her rage; Sunset laughs at Fluttershy being emotionally hurt by her friends when she criticized Dash for doing the same thing two days prior.
I guess my message is try to work on more subtlety in character voicing. The choices characters make (including word choice) are what evoke their personalities to the reader, and you can't actually be too subtle in characterization. For example, even when readers don't consciously notice it, AJ's politeness when she says, "beggin' your pardon" or "may" or "might" will still give them the feeling of her character. That's one of the great things about mood and characterization—you're appealing to the reader's subconscious, which gives you a lot more latitude to reach them.
Aside, I'm not sure I get Fluttershy's argument about werewolves, and
My synopsis:
Octavia's family and friends don't approve of her love life.
Overall thoughts:
This is glorious in its simplicity.
It's just characters talking, but I like that – when the characters seem real and their conversations seem genuine.
I thought it had literally one spelling error: a kind of "last-brick at Jiayu pass" thing, but then I found a second one.
+
Octavia's friends and relatives all come off as real douche ponies, vain and shallow, without seeming over-the-top villainous.
Very natural back-and-forth conversation.
I thought there was a nice progression / slide of Octavia's mood as the piece progressed. It could have just been the same thing told 3 times and it was not.
Vinyl: an earnest port in a sea of phony ponies.
Octavia: I don't know why she loves Vinyl but I know she does.
++
The text must flow!
Seriously, this is just so smooth and flowy. It has the perfect amount of "set dressing" for this kind of writing.
-
I have nothing really bad to say!
Oh, wait, you used an Oxford comma that one time. I'm afraid you're dead to me now. That's a shame.
Hey, other readers? Did you want action? Well, tough. It's just Octy getting emotionally thwacked repeatedly.
Rating:
The lesser of two evils.
It's straightforward and simple and maybe it is a bit weird that nopony Octy knows thinks she should go through with it. But as a concept I'm fine with all her friends being dicks and her ditching them for love. It's kinda sweet. They might all be right, marrying Vinyl might be a terrible idea. I don't care. Not everything has to be complex.
And I'm a sucker for nice prose.
Except that comma.
Fuck that comma.
Octavia's family and friends don't approve of her love life.
Overall thoughts:
This is glorious in its simplicity.
It's just characters talking, but I like that – when the characters seem real and their conversations seem genuine.
I thought it had literally one spelling error: a kind of "last-brick at Jiayu pass" thing, but then I found a second one.
+
Octavia's friends and relatives all come off as real douche ponies, vain and shallow, without seeming over-the-top villainous.
Very natural back-and-forth conversation.
I thought there was a nice progression / slide of Octavia's mood as the piece progressed. It could have just been the same thing told 3 times and it was not.
Vinyl: an earnest port in a sea of phony ponies.
Octavia: I don't know why she loves Vinyl but I know she does.
++
The text must flow!
Seriously, this is just so smooth and flowy. It has the perfect amount of "set dressing" for this kind of writing.
-
I have nothing really bad to say!
Oh, wait, you used an Oxford comma that one time. I'm afraid you're dead to me now. That's a shame.
Hey, other readers? Did you want action? Well, tough. It's just Octy getting emotionally thwacked repeatedly.
Rating:
The lesser of two evils.
It's straightforward and simple and maybe it is a bit weird that nopony Octy knows thinks she should go through with it. But as a concept I'm fine with all her friends being dicks and her ditching them for love. It's kinda sweet. They might all be right, marrying Vinyl might be a terrible idea. I don't care. Not everything has to be complex.
And I'm a sucker for nice prose.
Except that comma.
Fuck that comma.
Another nice one:
I like what you do with the perspective and the POV here, author, but I'd like to suggest taking it a step further. Right now, it's all very external, and that works because to my eyes, this isn't a story about Octavia and her composition anymore than The Maltese Falcon is about that weird bird statue. This is a story about the Double Bar and the ponies who make it the special place that it is.
So let's see more of those ponies. Right now, the four internal scenes have Brindisi as the POV for the first two, Bar Line for the third, and Octavia for the fourth. I'll suggest giving the second scene to another employee and giving the fourth scene, the actual performance, to the bar's owner, whoever that is. I mean, how do the ponies who work there feel knowing that the returned princess of Equestria is coming to their place to hear the world premiere of a piece she commissioned from one of their regulars? Get more into the heads of the POV characters, and that'll deepen the emotional impact the way >>Trick_Question suggests.
.
Mike
I like what you do with the perspective and the POV here, author, but I'd like to suggest taking it a step further. Right now, it's all very external, and that works because to my eyes, this isn't a story about Octavia and her composition anymore than The Maltese Falcon is about that weird bird statue. This is a story about the Double Bar and the ponies who make it the special place that it is.
So let's see more of those ponies. Right now, the four internal scenes have Brindisi as the POV for the first two, Bar Line for the third, and Octavia for the fourth. I'll suggest giving the second scene to another employee and giving the fourth scene, the actual performance, to the bar's owner, whoever that is. I mean, how do the ponies who work there feel knowing that the returned princess of Equestria is coming to their place to hear the world premiere of a piece she commissioned from one of their regulars? Get more into the heads of the POV characters, and that'll deepen the emotional impact the way >>Trick_Question suggests.
.
Mike
My synopsis:
Sunset Shimmer has to deal with her morning routine while also dealing with something bigger.
Overall thoughts:
This is sad and faintly tragic, in just the right way for me.
I spent the whole thing going: "Aaaw, poor Sunset!"
The plot of the story drags itself around aimlessly like a moping teenager, without getting too bogged down. It's the perfect way to have things, I think, since Sunset is also aimless.
+
I genuinely feel for Sunset here. You've conveyed her emotional state without needing to smash me with it. Nicely done.
I like it when I read a story that actually tells another story entirely, it's tricky to do right and I think you succeeded.
The narrative gives a nice insight into Sunset, what she feels and how she's coping, without dipping too far, or revealing her too starkly.
Physically very nice to read. It's all descriptions and simple actions but it stays engaging.
++
You allude to things like a boss, author. Like a boss.
-
There are a few places I got caught by wording that seemed off, a few line edits I'd make to improve the flow: they stood out because the rest was terribly well written.
I have no idea how Twilight feels in this. I know that we're in Sunset's head, and Sunset clearly has no idea what to feel, but I would have liked if you'd given me, as the reader, a hint.
Rating:
Sunset needs a cuddle.
It's strange what a story can do without doing. We get to learn and experience things without ever leaving Sunset's apartment. Nothing happens here: this is about the consequences of an event that's already happened. That's not for everyone but I like quiet character pieces when they're done well, as I think this is.
Sunset Shimmer has to deal with her morning routine while also dealing with something bigger.
Overall thoughts:
This is sad and faintly tragic, in just the right way for me.
I spent the whole thing going: "Aaaw, poor Sunset!"
The plot of the story drags itself around aimlessly like a moping teenager, without getting too bogged down. It's the perfect way to have things, I think, since Sunset is also aimless.
+
I genuinely feel for Sunset here. You've conveyed her emotional state without needing to smash me with it. Nicely done.
I like it when I read a story that actually tells another story entirely, it's tricky to do right and I think you succeeded.
The narrative gives a nice insight into Sunset, what she feels and how she's coping, without dipping too far, or revealing her too starkly.
Physically very nice to read. It's all descriptions and simple actions but it stays engaging.
++
You allude to things like a boss, author. Like a boss.
-
There are a few places I got caught by wording that seemed off, a few line edits I'd make to improve the flow: they stood out because the rest was terribly well written.
I have no idea how Twilight feels in this. I know that we're in Sunset's head, and Sunset clearly has no idea what to feel, but I would have liked if you'd given me, as the reader, a hint.
Rating:
Sunset needs a cuddle.
It's strange what a story can do without doing. We get to learn and experience things without ever leaving Sunset's apartment. Nothing happens here: this is about the consequences of an event that's already happened. That's not for everyone but I like quiet character pieces when they're done well, as I think this is.
>>Monokeras
>>Kitcat36
Monokeras is correct, but perhaps not right.
You can delete your stories if you need to, but nopony here is judging you, despite the critique (which is only intended to help). Nopony will even remember your story by the time the next competition rolls around unless it's awesomazing, as Dash might say. (I remember many of Mono's stories because I liked them a lot, like Seesaw.)
We've all written bad things before, so you have nothing to be ashamed about. It's part of the process of getting better. I minored in visual arts when I got my first degree. One of my favorite quotes is from an art teacher who taught me the only way to get better is to be 'comfortably uncomfortable'. You have to feel discomfort to improve. If you're not agonizing a tiny bit, you aren't growing. This is true for all of the arts: writing, painting, even creative rollerskating—which I'm rather good at, but you have to take risks or you don't grow so I've injured myself many times.
You need to injure yourself with writing, too, but not so badly you can't go on. Aim for comfortably uncomfortable, and know we love you and want you to succeed.
>>Kitcat36
Monokeras is correct, but perhaps not right.
You can delete your stories if you need to, but nopony here is judging you, despite the critique (which is only intended to help). Nopony will even remember your story by the time the next competition rolls around unless it's awesomazing, as Dash might say. (I remember many of Mono's stories because I liked them a lot, like Seesaw.)
We've all written bad things before, so you have nothing to be ashamed about. It's part of the process of getting better. I minored in visual arts when I got my first degree. One of my favorite quotes is from an art teacher who taught me the only way to get better is to be 'comfortably uncomfortable'. You have to feel discomfort to improve. If you're not agonizing a tiny bit, you aren't growing. This is true for all of the arts: writing, painting, even creative rollerskating—which I'm rather good at, but you have to take risks or you don't grow so I've injured myself many times.
You need to injure yourself with writing, too, but not so badly you can't go on. Aim for comfortably uncomfortable, and know we love you and want you to succeed.
My synopsis:
Twilight Sparkle has a problem with entropy. Twilight Sparkle finds solutions to problems.
Overall thoughts:
This is a lovely, slightly Sci-Fi, journey.
It does exactly what it sets out to do, and it doesn't waste time in going about it.
Twilight masterminds literally the greatest victory of all time; I was rooting for her and was happy when she won.
+
Smooth and gentle to read – I slightly spoiled it for myself by noting tiny technical errors as I went.
Twilight and Celestia seem very much themselves.
I want to know where Discord fits in this.
Consistent pace, not rushed, not slow, but right in the goldilocks zone.
++
This is written, barring a couple of tiny line edits, at proper "I fave this" level. The characters are themselves, the description is effective and the action is engaging.
It's not trying too hard. It's filling its space and time with just what needs to be.
-
A bit of the "maths and distances" is too specific – when you get specific you can be wrong (and I think you might be)
I want to know where Discord fits in this! I feel like he wouldn't just do nothing.
I did catch a couple technical errors – easy fixes though.
Rating:
Second star on the left, then straight on till Twilight.
Twilight going on a Sci-Fi crusade to save all of existence from itself is just a wonderful thing. I'm glad I read this.
I really don't have much I can say in detail. When you do nothing I don't like, all I can say is "I liked it".
Twilight Sparkle has a problem with entropy. Twilight Sparkle finds solutions to problems.
Overall thoughts:
This is a lovely, slightly Sci-Fi, journey.
It does exactly what it sets out to do, and it doesn't waste time in going about it.
Twilight masterminds literally the greatest victory of all time; I was rooting for her and was happy when she won.
+
Smooth and gentle to read – I slightly spoiled it for myself by noting tiny technical errors as I went.
Twilight and Celestia seem very much themselves.
I want to know where Discord fits in this.
Consistent pace, not rushed, not slow, but right in the goldilocks zone.
++
This is written, barring a couple of tiny line edits, at proper "I fave this" level. The characters are themselves, the description is effective and the action is engaging.
It's not trying too hard. It's filling its space and time with just what needs to be.
-
A bit of the "maths and distances" is too specific – when you get specific you can be wrong (and I think you might be)
I want to know where Discord fits in this! I feel like he wouldn't just do nothing.
I did catch a couple technical errors – easy fixes though.
Rating:
Second star on the left, then straight on till Twilight.
Twilight going on a Sci-Fi crusade to save all of existence from itself is just a wonderful thing. I'm glad I read this.
I really don't have much I can say in detail. When you do nothing I don't like, all I can say is "I liked it".
The last stand of the Crystal Ponies. You've fought with honour. Except you, Teal Jester, go to Tartarus
>>2Merr captures some of my biggest complaints. I'd only add that the tonal shift from 'tense and serious pre-battle" moments to "Imma kill more Guards than you!" was too abrupt for me. Also, the lack of spacing threw me off. As much as I prefer indentation, double spacing is the standard for online publication.
Other than that, I'd just be repeating what 2Merr said. With a bit of work, this can be more enjoyable tale. For the time being, it's still a bit rough around the edges.
>>2Merr captures some of my biggest complaints. I'd only add that the tonal shift from 'tense and serious pre-battle" moments to "Imma kill more Guards than you!" was too abrupt for me. Also, the lack of spacing threw me off. As much as I prefer indentation, double spacing is the standard for online publication.
Other than that, I'd just be repeating what 2Merr said. With a bit of work, this can be more enjoyable tale. For the time being, it's still a bit rough around the edges.
My synopsis:
Twilight has been avoiding dealing with the end of her world for very long time.
Overall thoughts:
This is great.
It quickly frames itself as a mystery that doesn’t try to hide too hard, or be so oblique with its clues that they’re meaningless.
Wonderfully bittersweet, funny in places without detracting from the subject.
+
The characterisation for Twi’s friends is almost spot on, which is ironically just right!
Twilight is exactly this neurotic.
The clues that something is horribly wrong have perfect balance, tantalising us and giving us a pretty good idea what Twi is up to without spoiling exactly what’s going on too soon.
Patch notes for the "universe".
++
That ending. D'aw.
Twilight’s friends are a magnificent blend of self-aware and oblivious.
-
It’s almost too slow in a couple of places. One or two judicious line edits would improve things.
Flurry doesn’t have a terribly strong character voice.
Angry Twilight (vs Flurry) sounds a little off.
You made me look up the word "charmeuse"
Rating:
Patch 1.3.1.493b (build 18750)
Top tier for sure. It reveals new clues to the truth at just the right pace, adding snippets of detail here and there. I wrote a list of possibilities in my head (well, actually in my review notes) at the end of the second scene and then got to cross them off as the story went along. It was my second guess that turned out correct, if you're wondering.
One thing I'd try: I would opt to use Cadance here instead of Flurry. Not because Flurry is a bad idea (and she shows the passage of time well) but because getting Cadance’s characterisation right would be more straightforward, and possibly more interesting. We don't know anything about Flurry and we don't have time to learn here. Cadance is a character already.
Twilight has been avoiding dealing with the end of her world for very long time.
Overall thoughts:
This is great.
It quickly frames itself as a mystery that doesn’t try to hide too hard, or be so oblique with its clues that they’re meaningless.
Wonderfully bittersweet, funny in places without detracting from the subject.
+
The characterisation for Twi’s friends is almost spot on, which is ironically just right!
Twilight is exactly this neurotic.
The clues that something is horribly wrong have perfect balance, tantalising us and giving us a pretty good idea what Twi is up to without spoiling exactly what’s going on too soon.
Patch notes for the "universe".
++
That ending. D'aw.
Twilight’s friends are a magnificent blend of self-aware and oblivious.
-
It’s almost too slow in a couple of places. One or two judicious line edits would improve things.
Flurry doesn’t have a terribly strong character voice.
Angry Twilight (vs Flurry) sounds a little off.
You made me look up the word "charmeuse"
Rating:
Patch 1.3.1.493b (build 18750)
Top tier for sure. It reveals new clues to the truth at just the right pace, adding snippets of detail here and there. I wrote a list of possibilities in my head (well, actually in my review notes) at the end of the second scene and then got to cross them off as the story went along. It was my second guess that turned out correct, if you're wondering.
One thing I'd try: I would opt to use Cadance here instead of Flurry. Not because Flurry is a bad idea (and she shows the passage of time well) but because getting Cadance’s characterisation right would be more straightforward, and possibly more interesting. We don't know anything about Flurry and we don't have time to learn here. Cadance is a character already.
>>Ranmilia
-hugs-
Thanks. I really appreciate the support. It's helping to see such kind and positive messages.
>>Monokeras
The heads up is much, much appreciated. It's kind of a relief knowing it's an option, even if I do leave it up.
>>Trick_Question
Thank you, Trick Question. The support from you is very much appreciated. I'm...a little bit scared of you, I think, so it means a whole lot. Don't ask me to explain why, though, because I'm not sure I can.
Thank you to all of you for caring so much. I can't tell you how touched I am. I'll leave the story up. Hopefully I WILL improve as a writer after this. Thank you.
-hugs-
Thanks. I really appreciate the support. It's helping to see such kind and positive messages.
>>Monokeras
The heads up is much, much appreciated. It's kind of a relief knowing it's an option, even if I do leave it up.
>>Trick_Question
Thank you, Trick Question. The support from you is very much appreciated. I'm...a little bit scared of you, I think, so it means a whole lot. Don't ask me to explain why, though, because I'm not sure I can.
Thank you to all of you for caring so much. I can't tell you how touched I am. I'll leave the story up. Hopefully I WILL improve as a writer after this. Thank you.
My synopsis:
Calling them 'gods' is wrong. You can't truly understand what they are, but maybe you can understand what they're doing.
Overall thoughts:
First class. You win.
A surprisingly straightforward little tale of how the universe was made and ends.
So tightly written: there's a little mystery but it's playful, it doesn't stray into overblown nonsense, it doesn't concern itself with irrelevancies.
The opening paragraph tapped me on the shoulder and kissed me unexpectedly; I was scared but excited.
+
You made up one word where you needed to and then avoided falling into the 'hoopy froods' and 'droogs' I was expecting.
Very "pony": the 'makers of makers' are but thin veils over the mane 6 and I felt smart for catching it 'early', even though I don't think I caught it especially early.
Similies all the way down. How else would one write about dimensions beyond understanding?
Discord shows up with a grin and a wink and I was happy to see him.
This is an Equestrian story of Equestria: both how it was made and how it ends. It was bright and fun and joyful, from a prompt which almost encourages the opposite.
++
Good gods the prose is wonderful. The words practically disappear as the story shines through them.
I played a game working out who was who as I went. I didn't need to; but I could so I did and it was fun. I don't think I'm especially smart in working out what's happening but you made me feel smart.
-
I feel quite inadequate as a writer. And as a human being.
I want to make a couple of slight line edits, just to tweak the metre of the occasional sentence.
There's a very unfortunate typo/inconsitency in one of the names.
Rating:
You don't get a rating.
My review notes arebasically literally figuratively literally a love-letter to you.
The thing I want to suggest most is this: Absence of order abhors the order of absence
Calling them 'gods' is wrong. You can't truly understand what they are, but maybe you can understand what they're doing.
Overall thoughts:
First class. You win.
A surprisingly straightforward little tale of how the universe was made and ends.
So tightly written: there's a little mystery but it's playful, it doesn't stray into overblown nonsense, it doesn't concern itself with irrelevancies.
The opening paragraph tapped me on the shoulder and kissed me unexpectedly; I was scared but excited.
+
You made up one word where you needed to and then avoided falling into the 'hoopy froods' and 'droogs' I was expecting.
Very "pony": the 'makers of makers' are but thin veils over the mane 6 and I felt smart for catching it 'early', even though I don't think I caught it especially early.
Similies all the way down. How else would one write about dimensions beyond understanding?
Discord shows up with a grin and a wink and I was happy to see him.
This is an Equestrian story of Equestria: both how it was made and how it ends. It was bright and fun and joyful, from a prompt which almost encourages the opposite.
++
Good gods the prose is wonderful. The words practically disappear as the story shines through them.
I played a game working out who was who as I went. I didn't need to; but I could so I did and it was fun. I don't think I'm especially smart in working out what's happening but you made me feel smart.
-
I feel quite inadequate as a writer. And as a human being.
I want to make a couple of slight line edits, just to tweak the metre of the occasional sentence.
There's a very unfortunate typo/inconsitency in one of the names.
Rating:
You don't get a rating.
My review notes are
The thing I want to suggest most is this: Absence of order abhors the order of absence
Genre: Personal Growth
Thoughts: I should've realized sooner that the middle section was a dream. I liked its moody/creepy vibe, and the transition to it was smooth enough that I thought it was actually happening for a while there. I also thought the magnitude of Tiara's freakout in the earlier section was delivered with some great energy.
My biggest complaint is that I felt like Tiara's reform and reconciliation with Rosehip felt overly fast and convenient. There's a hint in the middle section about some new and cool worldbuilding lore with theIsland of Misfit Toys dream-realm of emotionally significant knick-knacks, but doing more to set that up earlier would make it come less out of left field. And isn't Rosehip taking a bit of a risk by being so frank about Spoiled with her "you only get one mother" thing? I think it feels right as part of the conclusion of Tiara's personal growth arc, but again, it's kinda sudden for such a big change.
Tier: Almost There
Thoughts: I should've realized sooner that the middle section was a dream. I liked its moody/creepy vibe, and the transition to it was smooth enough that I thought it was actually happening for a while there. I also thought the magnitude of Tiara's freakout in the earlier section was delivered with some great energy.
My biggest complaint is that I felt like Tiara's reform and reconciliation with Rosehip felt overly fast and convenient. There's a hint in the middle section about some new and cool worldbuilding lore with the
Tier: Almost There
I greatly enjoyed this one. I only had two main concerns: one was that the lesson was very spelled out, sometimes in the narration but more often in the dialogue. My other concern was that characters seemed to stray just a touch outside of what I was used to from the show, both in terms of Diamond Tiara's willingness to change and her ability to construct complex sentences, as well as in Filthy's derision when she scoffs at what I'm assuming is his mother's tiara. From the show, his parenting strategy seems to be a lot more like gentle coaxing as opposed to overt impatience. His freakout does make sense though. Mirrors are muy expensivo.
For what it's worth, I think both of these concerns could be resolved hand-in-hand.
Other than that, I thought the flow and pacing were great, and Luna's message to be worthwhile. Thanks for the great read, and good luck in the contest!
For what it's worth, I think both of these concerns could be resolved hand-in-hand.
Other than that, I thought the flow and pacing were great, and Luna's message to be worthwhile. Thanks for the great read, and good luck in the contest!
I liked the writing in this story. It fit elegant Octavia, and the emphasis on tastes of food added, if you can forgive the pun, spice to the story and caught my interest. I really enjoyed the story, but I would have enjoyed seeing more of Vinyl and their relationship. All we have at this point is Vinyl welcoming Tavi (and the warmth and genuineness of that welcome emphasized the difference between Vinyl and the other ponies Tavi has interacted with, so I do approve of that. I liked this line particularly: "“Tavi, love, its fine. What kind of marefriend would I be if I didn’t welcome you into my bed whenever you wanted?”' unfortunately it's only a few lines though), apologizing for the mess and lack of food, then getting kissed and proposed to by Octavia. The welcome made me lean towards liking the relationship; the mess and lack of food and general habits of Vinyl (they come across as general habits at least to me when we know they have a distance relationship and she was planning on cleaning before Tavi came, and we have no other information as to her habits) made me worried that she was different enough from Octavia that it was going to make things really rough. Could Octavia be comfortable in a mess, as prim and controlled as she was through the rest of the story?
To gather my thoughts and summarize the awkward blurb above:
I liked the story, I liked the prose, I really enjoyed the events, but I wish we'd seen more of Vinyl and her relationship with Octavia, because it would have made the story the stronger for it. Even if the scene we had was extended, with more clues to their relationship added in like the welcome Vinyl gave Octavia.
To gather my thoughts and summarize the awkward blurb above:
I liked the story, I liked the prose, I really enjoyed the events, but I wish we'd seen more of Vinyl and her relationship with Octavia, because it would have made the story the stronger for it. Even if the scene we had was extended, with more clues to their relationship added in like the welcome Vinyl gave Octavia.
>>CoffeeMinion
Also I wanted to +1 Coffee's comment about Rosehip being careless with her words, specifically "I know maybe you think you got the wrong [mother]". I half expected Diamond Tiara's eyes to grow wide, her mouth to drop open, and for her to whisper, "I'm going to get you fired, Rosehip."
Also I wanted to +1 Coffee's comment about Rosehip being careless with her words, specifically "I know maybe you think you got the wrong [mother]". I half expected Diamond Tiara's eyes to grow wide, her mouth to drop open, and for her to whisper, "I'm going to get you fired, Rosehip."
Genre: Le Feels Punch
Thoughts: I can't help but compare this to the Chrysalis story, much as I know it can be gauche to do direct comparisons. Like that story, this is basically a recap of some moments from theshow movie. But what this does with those moments is steep them in an internal view of a character who is going through a critical moment of personal growth and change. The end result is almost more like a character study than a story per se, but I feel it delivers some amount of satisfaction in its (limited) arc by carrying us all the way through that character's change. So while this isn't the most ambitious story from a plot perspective, I ended up enjoying it for what it is. I will even award some bonus points for the threat of tears that I felt at one point.
Tier: Almost There
Thoughts: I can't help but compare this to the Chrysalis story, much as I know it can be gauche to do direct comparisons. Like that story, this is basically a recap of some moments from the
Tier: Almost There
>>Trick_Question
Quoted for truth.
One of my favorite quotes is from an art teacher who taught me the only way to get better is to be 'comfortably uncomfortable'. You have to feel discomfort to improve. If you're not agonizing a tiny bit, you aren't growing. This is true for all of the arts: writing, painting, even creative rollerskating—which I'm rather good at, but you have to take risks or you don't grow so I've injured myself many times.
You need to injure yourself with writing, too, but not so badly you can't go on. Aim for comfortably uncomfortable, and know we love you and want you to succeed.
Quoted for truth.
>>Kitcat36
If it's the fact I have D-cup breasts and fully functional male genitalia, that's totally understandable. :trollestia:
I'm...a little bit scared of you, I think, so it means a whole lot. Don't ask me to explain why, though, because I'm not sure I can.
If it's the fact I have D-cup breasts and fully functional male genitalia, that's totally understandable. :trollestia:
>>Trick_Question already mentioned the vagueness of the conflict and the characters, so I'll skip most of that. I just expected Sci-Twi to have a significant part in the story, but nothing came out of it. Same with the events of the Friendship Games. They're brought up at the start, made to seem important, then dropped.
My biggest criticism overall is the dialogue. The scene in the restaurant stands out as a point where the dialogue simply doesn't flow well. The insistence to try some food feels forced, honestly. The conversation could have seamlessly shifted away from dreams without explicitly telling the reader that's what happened. Fluttershy getting excited about bats and echolocation actually was relevant, even if tangentially. However, you forced the subject back to dreams, going against the natural flow of the conversation. The best fix for this would be to extend the conversation. Let it flow from dreams to bats, to Rainbow Dash, to Fluttershy's dreams, back to Sunset's dreams. A few extra paragraphs might seem like a lot for a conversation that has only a minor impact, but the readers won't notice at all. In my experience, reading dialogue that only lasts a few sentences feels empty, even if the necessary information is provided.
Some of the word choices are questionable, particularly the adjectives. You don't need to use fancy words to convey a feeling. Overuse of them can actually do the opposite, or make the story seem purple-ish. Since this story is from Sunset's perspective, try to stick to words she would use, with sentences structured in the way she would say them.
Also: I think you were trying to go with a motif of heat, but it didn't appear to serve any obvious purpose. I kept looking for a deeper meaning that either wasn't there or was too vague to see. Or maybe I'm dumb, that's always a possibility.
Also Also: It doesn't really fit the prompt, now that I think about it. If I'm wrong, someone please tell me.
My biggest criticism overall is the dialogue. The scene in the restaurant stands out as a point where the dialogue simply doesn't flow well. The insistence to try some food feels forced, honestly. The conversation could have seamlessly shifted away from dreams without explicitly telling the reader that's what happened. Fluttershy getting excited about bats and echolocation actually was relevant, even if tangentially. However, you forced the subject back to dreams, going against the natural flow of the conversation. The best fix for this would be to extend the conversation. Let it flow from dreams to bats, to Rainbow Dash, to Fluttershy's dreams, back to Sunset's dreams. A few extra paragraphs might seem like a lot for a conversation that has only a minor impact, but the readers won't notice at all. In my experience, reading dialogue that only lasts a few sentences feels empty, even if the necessary information is provided.
Some of the word choices are questionable, particularly the adjectives. You don't need to use fancy words to convey a feeling. Overuse of them can actually do the opposite, or make the story seem purple-ish. Since this story is from Sunset's perspective, try to stick to words she would use, with sentences structured in the way she would say them.
Also: I think you were trying to go with a motif of heat, but it didn't appear to serve any obvious purpose. I kept looking for a deeper meaning that either wasn't there or was too vague to see. Or maybe I'm dumb, that's always a possibility.
Also Also: It doesn't really fit the prompt, now that I think about it. If I'm wrong, someone please tell me.
I see what you did with the title. +10 points for prompt interpretation.
And what a wonderful direction to take this! It fleshes that sideways prompt out into an insightful, rich, and occasionally funny look at Rarity (and, to a lesser extent, Twilight and Luna). Her passive-aggressiveness in the early scenes is a thing of beauty; with little more than slightly snipey dialogue you've managed to communicate the multiple layers of emotion running through her, and watching the story unearth her core frustration piece by piece kept me highly engaged.
Maybe it's just that I've been reading through Monochromatic's The Enchanted Library lately (a piece of fantastic longform Raritwi), and you kind of caught me at peak favorability for the ship, but I also felt like this did a fantastic job of selling Rarity and Twilight as being in an existing relationship. They've got that blend of banter and insight and genuinely-being-good-to-each-other-through-their-frustrations that just rings true to me.
I could cite a number of beautifully done individual scenes, but I think what tops the list is everything in the lobby leading up to Rarity's attempt to swap tickets with their fans being unintentionally wrecked by Twilight's preparedness. There are so many golden lines of dialogue throughout that, and the fact that she never even realizes Rarity's plan and Rarity just bites it back and moves on is *kisses fingers* mwah.
Elephant in the room: Yeah, this is incomplete. Those are the Writeoff breaks. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I really look forward to seeing the entirety of the story on FIMFic so I can insta-fave it. For here, I'll have to score accordingly, but what is here does so much right that I have a feeling it's gonna land near the top of my prelim slate regardless.
(If I had to try to steer this to an ending myself, I think I'd try returning to that core theme of Rarity's discontent:
They're sorta talking about that to Luna, but what would be really glorious to see would be Rarity getting some princessly perspective on that note that hits her between the eyes, crystallizing that longing into some decision that closes out her character arc. And/or possibly her having one of those tastes and setting it aside for Twilight? This is hitting enough rom-com beats that it wants to close out with a heartwarming ending in the same style.)
A few nitpicks to help refine the last few impurities out:
– I was initially very confused why they were pushing through the row of patrons if they had end seats. Nearly every theater I've ever been in has far-left and far-right aisles.
– I think you'd be better off here deleting the suspect line and having Rarity deliver the dresses line as a p-a rejoinder — because it seems far more likely she'd be focused on it than Twilight, and it fits with her simmering resentment throughout the scene.
– I'm not sure what the "discretion" thing after Rarity's toffy-swirl line is about. (Or what the toffy-swirl in-joke is.)
– Similarly, I was thrown a little by the segue from trust to the "kind-of a bitch" bit, which didn't feel like it followed.
Overall, though, this was clever and a joy to read.
Tier: Strong
And what a wonderful direction to take this! It fleshes that sideways prompt out into an insightful, rich, and occasionally funny look at Rarity (and, to a lesser extent, Twilight and Luna). Her passive-aggressiveness in the early scenes is a thing of beauty; with little more than slightly snipey dialogue you've managed to communicate the multiple layers of emotion running through her, and watching the story unearth her core frustration piece by piece kept me highly engaged.
Maybe it's just that I've been reading through Monochromatic's The Enchanted Library lately (a piece of fantastic longform Raritwi), and you kind of caught me at peak favorability for the ship, but I also felt like this did a fantastic job of selling Rarity and Twilight as being in an existing relationship. They've got that blend of banter and insight and genuinely-being-good-to-each-other-through-their-frustrations that just rings true to me.
I could cite a number of beautifully done individual scenes, but I think what tops the list is everything in the lobby leading up to Rarity's attempt to swap tickets with their fans being unintentionally wrecked by Twilight's preparedness. There are so many golden lines of dialogue throughout that, and the fact that she never even realizes Rarity's plan and Rarity just bites it back and moves on is *kisses fingers* mwah.
Elephant in the room: Yeah, this is incomplete. Those are the Writeoff breaks. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I really look forward to seeing the entirety of the story on FIMFic so I can insta-fave it. For here, I'll have to score accordingly, but what is here does so much right that I have a feeling it's gonna land near the top of my prelim slate regardless.
(If I had to try to steer this to an ending myself, I think I'd try returning to that core theme of Rarity's discontent:
I just want a taste of that life, you understand? The one where ponies look at you and try to guess what you want so they can give it to you.
They're sorta talking about that to Luna, but what would be really glorious to see would be Rarity getting some princessly perspective on that note that hits her between the eyes, crystallizing that longing into some decision that closes out her character arc. And/or possibly her having one of those tastes and setting it aside for Twilight? This is hitting enough rom-com beats that it wants to close out with a heartwarming ending in the same style.)
A few nitpicks to help refine the last few impurities out:
– I was initially very confused why they were pushing through the row of patrons if they had end seats. Nearly every theater I've ever been in has far-left and far-right aisles.
[T] “This seating wasn't built with wings in mind.”
[R] “I suspect not.”
[T] “Or fancy dresses.”
– I think you'd be better off here deleting the suspect line and having Rarity deliver the dresses line as a p-a rejoinder — because it seems far more likely she'd be focused on it than Twilight, and it fits with her simmering resentment throughout the scene.
– I'm not sure what the "discretion" thing after Rarity's toffy-swirl line is about. (Or what the toffy-swirl in-joke is.)
– Similarly, I was thrown a little by the segue from trust to the "kind-of a bitch" bit, which didn't feel like it followed.
Overall, though, this was clever and a joy to read.
Tier: Strong
>>Trick_Question
Trick is right of course. Don’t delete your stories! Remember no one can pen down a perfect piece in so little time. There will ample time for improvement afterwards.
Enjoy! ❤️
Trick is right of course. Don’t delete your stories! Remember no one can pen down a perfect piece in so little time. There will ample time for improvement afterwards.
Enjoy! ❤️
I'm honestly not sure what to say about this one. It's too much of a rough draft for me to say anything beyond that it needs more work before any sense can be made of it. But I feel like the author already knows that.
Ho hum.
I suppose I can say I didn't like Glitter's character very much; she seems to flip-flop between many different characters throughout the story. She was introspective and curious, she was angry at the world despite nothing really triggering it, she was frightened, and then bratty, and then frightened again, and then ridiculously happy for reasons I can't explain. I know the story is told non-linearly, but even after rearranging the pieces in order I can't seem to follow her trail.
Overall, the story doesn't make sense to me (yet), but—on the understanding that some editing needs to be done—very well written.
Also, I recommend using italics when somebody is reading something. The fact that the book and the dialogue both got quotation marks really threw me for a loop. Like what is even happening in that 5th paragraph...
Thanks for writing and good luck!
Ho hum.
I suppose I can say I didn't like Glitter's character very much; she seems to flip-flop between many different characters throughout the story. She was introspective and curious, she was angry at the world despite nothing really triggering it, she was frightened, and then bratty, and then frightened again, and then ridiculously happy for reasons I can't explain. I know the story is told non-linearly, but even after rearranging the pieces in order I can't seem to follow her trail.
Overall, the story doesn't make sense to me (yet), but—on the understanding that some editing needs to be done—very well written.
Also, I recommend using italics when somebody is reading something. The fact that the book and the dialogue both got quotation marks really threw me for a loop. Like what is even happening in that 5th paragraph...
Thanks for writing and good luck!
Ditto to the positives and negatives above.
I'd also like to point out that I'm not sure the prompt has been applied very effectively here.
I'd also like to point out that I'm not sure the prompt has been applied very effectively here.
On a first read, I liked this. You did a good job of delivering just enough detail to keep us interested and wanting to know more, and you handled Celestia's emotions as they related to Discord and Fluttershy well.
On contemplation, however, there are a few things that don't quite hold up as well as you might have intended.
The first of these: You're trying to make this story a tragedy, but you haven't quite done the work to establish it. It's sad, but it's not tragic.
The thing that defines a tragedy, as opposed to a sad story, is that in a tragedy, the bad things that happen are the result of the characters' own mistakes, and they make those mistakes because of their particular flaws. Pride is a common flaw for tragic characters, but far from universal; the one you seem to have gone for is impulsiveness, which works for Discord — but I'm not sure I buy it as much from Fluttershy, and you need both to really make it work. (I might accept passivity for Fluttershy, except that doesn't quite square with her being the first one to say "I love you". Which means I'm not clear on her flaw. And she was part of the decision to have sex, so she has to have had one.)
With that in mind, "Childbirth is enough to kill a mother" isn't tragic, unless they should have known ahead of time that it would happen, and you haven't indicated that they did. It's a dark form of situational irony, in that the act of bringing life into the world can also take it out, but that's not the same thing.
Another problem comes from the line, "Because mortals are not to meddle with immortals." It's a good line on its own, but it doesn't fit the specific context you're putting it in: You've set your story after Twilight's ascension, so you're implying that being an alicorn is not a sufficient condition for immortality. This is an uncommon position to take, and there's not really any evidence to support it (certainly less than the alternative).
The line would work better in reference to Celestia and just about anypony else, even pre-ascension Twilight (though that runs into a different problem, namely, fitting it into the timeline — Fluttershy and Discord's relationship isn't that far along by the time Twilight gets her wings). As is, though, it's not a good justification for why Celestia won't reciprocate Twilight's desires. If you want Twilight to still be mortal after becoming an alicorn, make that clearer.
I still like this, and it'll likely be towards the top of my slate, but I think there are ways to make it closer to what you intended.
On contemplation, however, there are a few things that don't quite hold up as well as you might have intended.
The first of these: You're trying to make this story a tragedy, but you haven't quite done the work to establish it. It's sad, but it's not tragic.
The thing that defines a tragedy, as opposed to a sad story, is that in a tragedy, the bad things that happen are the result of the characters' own mistakes, and they make those mistakes because of their particular flaws. Pride is a common flaw for tragic characters, but far from universal; the one you seem to have gone for is impulsiveness, which works for Discord — but I'm not sure I buy it as much from Fluttershy, and you need both to really make it work. (I might accept passivity for Fluttershy, except that doesn't quite square with her being the first one to say "I love you". Which means I'm not clear on her flaw. And she was part of the decision to have sex, so she has to have had one.)
With that in mind, "Childbirth is enough to kill a mother" isn't tragic, unless they should have known ahead of time that it would happen, and you haven't indicated that they did. It's a dark form of situational irony, in that the act of bringing life into the world can also take it out, but that's not the same thing.
Another problem comes from the line, "Because mortals are not to meddle with immortals." It's a good line on its own, but it doesn't fit the specific context you're putting it in: You've set your story after Twilight's ascension, so you're implying that being an alicorn is not a sufficient condition for immortality. This is an uncommon position to take, and there's not really any evidence to support it (certainly less than the alternative).
The line would work better in reference to Celestia and just about anypony else, even pre-ascension Twilight (though that runs into a different problem, namely, fitting it into the timeline — Fluttershy and Discord's relationship isn't that far along by the time Twilight gets her wings). As is, though, it's not a good justification for why Celestia won't reciprocate Twilight's desires. If you want Twilight to still be mortal after becoming an alicorn, make that clearer.
I still like this, and it'll likely be towards the top of my slate, but I think there are ways to make it closer to what you intended.
>>Trick_Question
I'm...not sure I knew that before now, but that only adds to what I think is the actual problem, which is that I can't anticipate you, ever. And you go dark places sometimes, or suggestive places, very quickly. That's just you, I suppose. If I get to actually know you I'm sure I'll be a little more at ease.
I'm...not sure I knew that before now, but that only adds to what I think is the actual problem, which is that I can't anticipate you, ever. And you go dark places sometimes, or suggestive places, very quickly. That's just you, I suppose. If I get to actually know you I'm sure I'll be a little more at ease.
>>ToXikyogHurt
You know, it could work to use Flurry--like you said, she shows the passage of time extremely well--if the author works on her lines a bit. Sometimes just a few words can reveal a LOT about a personality, and there might be a way to apply that here. Maybe even just giving her a good distinctive trait would do it.
You know, it could work to use Flurry--like you said, she shows the passage of time extremely well--if the author works on her lines a bit. Sometimes just a few words can reveal a LOT about a personality, and there might be a way to apply that here. Maybe even just giving her a good distinctive trait would do it.
> s/Indica/Indicia/g;
To be honest, author, I wasn't a fan of this story most of the way through, although it did recover right at the end. I spent most of the story feeling like Prompt demanding Indicia to come along actually was hazing rather than being required by the delivery method, which made it challenging for me to care about her as the apparent protagonist. I was really grateful to see the end explain her behavior, and in hindsight the story largely makes sense, but that still left a fairly sizeable bad taste in my mouth for having had to sit through most of the story under the wrong impression.
This is certainly fixable! A couple of ideas that might help with it:
– Make Indicia the narrator throughout. We would see her as a hapless protagonist putting up with the harassment of a coworker until the reveal explained things; that way we can be rooting for the viewpoint character throughout (at first against Prompt). This would also address the perspective shift >>Trick_Question mentions.
– Do more lampshading for the reader that Indicia is needed, if we're staying in Prompt's perspective. Whether or not Indicia is told why she's there, as a reader I never felt like there was a requirement for her to be around. The fact that Indicia never asks "What do you need me for?" feels to me like a pretty significant idiot ball. For a moment when the magic circle got cast I felt my concerns ease (oh, Prompt just needed a unicorn to cast the spell!) only to get as confused as Indicia when she continued to get dragged along.
(This confusion isn't necessarily a bad thing — but I was frustrated by it here. The problem came from me being expected to sympathize with Prompt while being just as confused as Indicia was.)
– In particular, if you're keeping the existing perspective structure, try showing Prompt feeling guilty for dragging her in — show us her thoughts as she rejects her more experienced coworkers for various reasons and realizes to her horror she's going to have to bring the newbie. (You do note "all the others she got along pretty well with" early on, but if anything that by itself makes it worse: that shows us that she knows something bad is going to happen, and she seems fine with casually dumping it on the intern, which really does not endear me to her.)
… On further thought, though, you may have some fridge logic problems to deal with on that score, too. Unless it's impossible to have the argument that makes Discord appear if both parties know about the trigger, it feels straight-up unethical to me to spring that duty on the newbie without full disclosure — that kind of is hazing despite her protestations, isn't it? And if it requires someone unaware that an argument is needed, I'd imagine the boss should have made both assignments up front, and Prompt should have been disoriented enough at being sent solo to ask. (Unless you exposit somewhere that she made an assumption up front: her partner was obvious because of the new hire? … Yeah, that could work.)
Anyway.
Strongly agreed with >>Zaid Val'Roa that another major revision target here should be to dig deeper into the two characters' personalities as you go. My major issue was lack of connection; the alienation from Prompt already discussed was a major facet of that, but not the whole of it. Right now, the only other big hook (the adventure of the journey) doesn't feel compelling to me — Prompt never reacts to the various threats like they're significant (partially because they're not threatening, as you note at the end; and partially because she wants Indicia to get upset at her callousness. But that doesn't mitigate the issue of muting the stakes of the threats in the middle). It requires doubt about the outcome to make their challenges feel like an actual threat. The protagonists were never fearful enough to communicate that doubt to me.
I also agree with Trick that you should remove the red herrings — or explicitly return to them later. As cool as the early characterization was that the horoscope provides (and that really was an excellent touch right at the start! Nice job), it never ties back to the core plot. This might be as simple as discussing the fortune near the end and discussing which particular act of too-promptness caused (or was avoided to forestall) the disaster you foreshadow.
(On further thought, maybe you could double down on the horoscope and turn it into even more character moments — such as by having Prompt and Indicia discuss their respective horoscopes during the delivery, and then again in hindsight at the end.)
And yes, careful with "row". It's a specifically British colloquialism, and the word means enough other things that American readers unfamiliar with the slang might not pick it up from context.
On the bright side, I do like your eye for details — I've already mentioned the characterization right at the start, and the little bits of the portal ritual were also lovely. Setting aside the stakes issue, the actual descriptions of the trip were solid. Dialogue and writing felt smooth. The main thing that I think will improve this is getting all those details in line with the way you want readers to react: sympathize with your characters and get invested in the outcome their trials. There might be a fair amount of editing ahead of you toward that end, but it's really the only problem in an otherwise complete-feeling piece.
Thanks for writing!
Tier: Almost There
To be honest, author, I wasn't a fan of this story most of the way through, although it did recover right at the end. I spent most of the story feeling like Prompt demanding Indicia to come along actually was hazing rather than being required by the delivery method, which made it challenging for me to care about her as the apparent protagonist. I was really grateful to see the end explain her behavior, and in hindsight the story largely makes sense, but that still left a fairly sizeable bad taste in my mouth for having had to sit through most of the story under the wrong impression.
This is certainly fixable! A couple of ideas that might help with it:
– Make Indicia the narrator throughout. We would see her as a hapless protagonist putting up with the harassment of a coworker until the reveal explained things; that way we can be rooting for the viewpoint character throughout (at first against Prompt). This would also address the perspective shift >>Trick_Question mentions.
– Do more lampshading for the reader that Indicia is needed, if we're staying in Prompt's perspective. Whether or not Indicia is told why she's there, as a reader I never felt like there was a requirement for her to be around. The fact that Indicia never asks "What do you need me for?" feels to me like a pretty significant idiot ball. For a moment when the magic circle got cast I felt my concerns ease (oh, Prompt just needed a unicorn to cast the spell!) only to get as confused as Indicia when she continued to get dragged along.
(This confusion isn't necessarily a bad thing — but I was frustrated by it here. The problem came from me being expected to sympathize with Prompt while being just as confused as Indicia was.)
– In particular, if you're keeping the existing perspective structure, try showing Prompt feeling guilty for dragging her in — show us her thoughts as she rejects her more experienced coworkers for various reasons and realizes to her horror she's going to have to bring the newbie. (You do note "all the others she got along pretty well with" early on, but if anything that by itself makes it worse: that shows us that she knows something bad is going to happen, and she seems fine with casually dumping it on the intern, which really does not endear me to her.)
… On further thought, though, you may have some fridge logic problems to deal with on that score, too. Unless it's impossible to have the argument that makes Discord appear if both parties know about the trigger, it feels straight-up unethical to me to spring that duty on the newbie without full disclosure — that kind of is hazing despite her protestations, isn't it? And if it requires someone unaware that an argument is needed, I'd imagine the boss should have made both assignments up front, and Prompt should have been disoriented enough at being sent solo to ask. (Unless you exposit somewhere that she made an assumption up front: her partner was obvious because of the new hire? … Yeah, that could work.)
Anyway.
Strongly agreed with >>Zaid Val'Roa that another major revision target here should be to dig deeper into the two characters' personalities as you go. My major issue was lack of connection; the alienation from Prompt already discussed was a major facet of that, but not the whole of it. Right now, the only other big hook (the adventure of the journey) doesn't feel compelling to me — Prompt never reacts to the various threats like they're significant (partially because they're not threatening, as you note at the end; and partially because she wants Indicia to get upset at her callousness. But that doesn't mitigate the issue of muting the stakes of the threats in the middle). It requires doubt about the outcome to make their challenges feel like an actual threat. The protagonists were never fearful enough to communicate that doubt to me.
I also agree with Trick that you should remove the red herrings — or explicitly return to them later. As cool as the early characterization was that the horoscope provides (and that really was an excellent touch right at the start! Nice job), it never ties back to the core plot. This might be as simple as discussing the fortune near the end and discussing which particular act of too-promptness caused (or was avoided to forestall) the disaster you foreshadow.
(On further thought, maybe you could double down on the horoscope and turn it into even more character moments — such as by having Prompt and Indicia discuss their respective horoscopes during the delivery, and then again in hindsight at the end.)
And yes, careful with "row". It's a specifically British colloquialism, and the word means enough other things that American readers unfamiliar with the slang might not pick it up from context.
On the bright side, I do like your eye for details — I've already mentioned the characterization right at the start, and the little bits of the portal ritual were also lovely. Setting aside the stakes issue, the actual descriptions of the trip were solid. Dialogue and writing felt smooth. The main thing that I think will improve this is getting all those details in line with the way you want readers to react: sympathize with your characters and get invested in the outcome their trials. There might be a fair amount of editing ahead of you toward that end, but it's really the only problem in an otherwise complete-feeling piece.
Thanks for writing!
Tier: Almost There
I'll echo >>Cyrano:
And wonder why Luna goes in disguise. What she does here sounds like it could be a regular part of her duties: the hospitals send notice to the palace, and Luna keeps a certain number of hours a week available to see to these patients.
I also had some problems with the POV, the way we start in Luna's head, then drift away from her to follow Summer Breeze for a while, then slip back and forth between the two at the end. I'll suggest keeping the whole story in Summer's POV: have her wake up in bed alone and miserable to find Luna there ready to make her dreams come true. You can keep the same sequence of events, just focus on how they play to Summer and her impressions of Luna throughout. It'll ground us in the one character and make us feel more of what she's feeling.
Mike
And wonder why Luna goes in disguise. What she does here sounds like it could be a regular part of her duties: the hospitals send notice to the palace, and Luna keeps a certain number of hours a week available to see to these patients.
I also had some problems with the POV, the way we start in Luna's head, then drift away from her to follow Summer Breeze for a while, then slip back and forth between the two at the end. I'll suggest keeping the whole story in Summer's POV: have her wake up in bed alone and miserable to find Luna there ready to make her dreams come true. You can keep the same sequence of events, just focus on how they play to Summer and her impressions of Luna throughout. It'll ground us in the one character and make us feel more of what she's feeling.
Mike
This story relies a lot on the comedy of Discord's realm, which unfortunately fell flat for me. Not that any of it made me groan, it was just sort of inneffective, I guess. If you ask me, working jokes into a setting is already really hard to do without basing the bulk of the comedy on it—it's usually done very well as "supporting comedy" to the rest of the comedy... if that makes any sense. Basically, things like characterization, dialogue, and the plot are where the best comedians work their magic—the setting, not so much.
Trick and Zaid (edit: and horizon!) have touched on things that the story itself needs a bit more of to be more engaging, and these are areas that can be written in a funny way too—the personalities of the two protagonists, their relationship with each other, and what exactly happened at the end there.
Thanks for submitting your story, author! and good luck in the contest!
Trick and Zaid (edit: and horizon!) have touched on things that the story itself needs a bit more of to be more engaging, and these are areas that can be written in a funny way too—the personalities of the two protagonists, their relationship with each other, and what exactly happened at the end there.
Thanks for submitting your story, author! and good luck in the contest!
>>Zaid Val'Roa
I don't have much to add because you already said most of my potential critiques. This story had some fantastic dialogue writing, but the whole sudden possession thing feels a bit of a Deus Ex Machina.
Well done as a whole, though! B+
I don't have much to add because you already said most of my potential critiques. This story had some fantastic dialogue writing, but the whole sudden possession thing feels a bit of a Deus Ex Machina.
Well done as a whole, though! B+
This sort of story:
Always works, from "The Velveteen Rabbit" to "Toy Story 3". So let me suggest making it more specifically Pony. After all, Equestria is a world where magic is literally an every day phenomenon--one might even say an everyday phenomenon. How is the sort of magic we see here different from the sort that Twilight does or the sort that Celestia does? Is it different? Do toys gain sapience regularly.
Like folks say, this is nicely done. But maybe try digging a little deeper into the concept and see what bubbles up.
Mike
Always works, from "The Velveteen Rabbit" to "Toy Story 3". So let me suggest making it more specifically Pony. After all, Equestria is a world where magic is literally an every day phenomenon--one might even say an everyday phenomenon. How is the sort of magic we see here different from the sort that Twilight does or the sort that Celestia does? Is it different? Do toys gain sapience regularly.
Like folks say, this is nicely done. But maybe try digging a little deeper into the concept and see what bubbles up.
Mike
This is my favorite story so far. There's not much else I can say. I was on the edge of my seat from the beginning to the very end, and I'm still on that edge as I write this.
Discord's voice sounds remarkably off, and I don't think it should. That's all I got. Nice work.
Discord's voice sounds remarkably off, and I don't think it should. That's all I got. Nice work.
A very clever take on the prompt.
All in all, I enjoyed this. Other folks have already mentioned that it's a bit abrupt, I think it even maybe feels a bit like it was rushed, but it shows clear outside-the-box thinking and creative potential.
Thumbs up!
All in all, I enjoyed this. Other folks have already mentioned that it's a bit abrupt, I think it even maybe feels a bit like it was rushed, but it shows clear outside-the-box thinking and creative potential.
Thumbs up!
Well, people have already hit the major points for this one, so I don't have much to add in that regard.
I just wanted to let you know, mysterious author, that I found this quite funny. Good job! Thumbs up!
I just wanted to let you know, mysterious author, that I found this quite funny. Good job! Thumbs up!
Genre: Chapter 1
Thoughts: One of my firmer criteria when ranking stories is to favor “complete” stories over incomplete ones. Part of that comes from having written incomplete Writeoff stories myself (sometimes even “teaser-trailers” during minific rounds) and seeing the divide between my excitement over the partial treatment of an idea, and how others feel when left unable to consider the full story. Either way though, as a reader, there’s something fundamentally dissatisfying about being left with piqued interest but no resolution. There’s certainly good writing advice about “start late/end early,” as well as “always leave the audience wanting more,” but telling enough of the story to leave the audience satisfied should be part of the deal.
This does well with the time and length that it has. I would’ve liked to see more background on Bob and his realm, though I can take that section on face value as a way to set the story up. Overall I ended up liking the characterization of the 2 Sunsets, and Pinkie, and even a bit of Bob. And that’s both the good and the frustrating thing for me as a reader: what’s here is good, but it makes me wonder what else it could grow into.
Tier: Keep Developing
Thoughts: One of my firmer criteria when ranking stories is to favor “complete” stories over incomplete ones. Part of that comes from having written incomplete Writeoff stories myself (sometimes even “teaser-trailers” during minific rounds) and seeing the divide between my excitement over the partial treatment of an idea, and how others feel when left unable to consider the full story. Either way though, as a reader, there’s something fundamentally dissatisfying about being left with piqued interest but no resolution. There’s certainly good writing advice about “start late/end early,” as well as “always leave the audience wanting more,” but telling enough of the story to leave the audience satisfied should be part of the deal.
This does well with the time and length that it has. I would’ve liked to see more background on Bob and his realm, though I can take that section on face value as a way to set the story up. Overall I ended up liking the characterization of the 2 Sunsets, and Pinkie, and even a bit of Bob. And that’s both the good and the frustrating thing for me as a reader: what’s here is good, but it makes me wonder what else it could grow into.
Tier: Keep Developing
WriteOff Reviews 12/5/17
Solacing Dreams:
You immediately press my “Alicorns/Princesses in disguise” button. You have my interest.
I’m not sure if it’s an intentional thing, but “Sol” being the shorthand for Luna’s mundane/disguise name is funny, what with Sol being the name of a star and usually more closely associated with Celestia. Related: Given her choice of name, I’m expecting a Kavorkian angle with this piece.
The thing that kind of strikes me is Luna/Sol using “Good night” as a greeting. It makes a degree of sense, since it’s nighttime, but in regular speech, reading, or writing I (almost?) never see it used as a greeting. “Good evening,” yes, quite often, but not “good night.” Which doesn’t make it wrong, at all. Could very easily just be one of Luna’s little quirks.
Aaaand scene. Hey I wasn't quite wrong. Look at me being a good guesser. Or you, author, being good at choosing a name that delivers proper thematic shading. I'll go against >>Cyrano (and Baal) on the point of Luna performing her service in disguise. I think the primary reason for that is to let everypony involved be more relaxed about what's going on. Where Princesses go, commotion tends to follow, and the "Make A Dream Foundation" is, rightfully, all about the soon-to-be departed.
Solacing Dreams:
You immediately press my “Alicorns/Princesses in disguise” button. You have my interest.
I’m not sure if it’s an intentional thing, but “Sol” being the shorthand for Luna’s mundane/disguise name is funny, what with Sol being the name of a star and usually more closely associated with Celestia. Related: Given her choice of name, I’m expecting a Kavorkian angle with this piece.
The thing that kind of strikes me is Luna/Sol using “Good night” as a greeting. It makes a degree of sense, since it’s nighttime, but in regular speech, reading, or writing I (almost?) never see it used as a greeting. “Good evening,” yes, quite often, but not “good night.” Which doesn’t make it wrong, at all. Could very easily just be one of Luna’s little quirks.
Aaaand scene. Hey I wasn't quite wrong. Look at me being a good guesser. Or you, author, being good at choosing a name that delivers proper thematic shading. I'll go against >>Cyrano (and Baal) on the point of Luna performing her service in disguise. I think the primary reason for that is to let everypony involved be more relaxed about what's going on. Where Princesses go, commotion tends to follow, and the "Make A Dream Foundation" is, rightfully, all about the soon-to-be departed.
>>Kitcat36
I have no strong objection to Flurry, she does work nicely in the role as she is. I just wouldn't have picked her myself. Not if I could squeeze a different princess for some pathos: one the reader knows better.
Her lines aren't bad, I just can't tell if they're right. If she had a bit more space to work with a lot could be done with her to make her a fuller character, but I think it's unfair to expect too much from her as a bit-part in <8k words. She's not the focus of the piece.
She could be: if the story had her repeatedly and persistantly appearing. Causing trouble. That sounds fun too, but that's probably an idea to help expand this out to a longer story, if that's something the author is interested in. Some stories are better short, after all. I think this one actually has plenty of room to grow. I would happily read an expanded version.
I have no strong objection to Flurry, she does work nicely in the role as she is. I just wouldn't have picked her myself. Not if I could squeeze a different princess for some pathos: one the reader knows better.
Her lines aren't bad, I just can't tell if they're right. If she had a bit more space to work with a lot could be done with her to make her a fuller character, but I think it's unfair to expect too much from her as a bit-part in <8k words. She's not the focus of the piece.
She could be: if the story had her repeatedly and persistantly appearing. Causing trouble. That sounds fun too, but that's probably an idea to help expand this out to a longer story, if that's something the author is interested in. Some stories are better short, after all. I think this one actually has plenty of room to grow. I would happily read an expanded version.
Genre: StarTrix shenanigans as force for good
Thoughts: YESSSSSSSSSS!!! Now this is the story I’ve been waiting for. We get a great mix of humor, sadness, suspense, and the friendship-magic core of what makes MLP be MLP. Top marks for the portrayal of Trixie, who is consistently well-written and entertaining here. I liked how the sound in the wind was used to build tension. The resolution was great as well; perhaps a bit cheesy on the one hoof, but very heartfelt on the other. The only real weaknesses I spotted were typographical in nature, and it’s the sort of thing where the rest of the goods were strong enough to make the typos feel that much more out of place.
Tier: Top Contender
Thoughts: YESSSSSSSSSS!!! Now this is the story I’ve been waiting for. We get a great mix of humor, sadness, suspense, and the friendship-magic core of what makes MLP be MLP. Top marks for the portrayal of Trixie, who is consistently well-written and entertaining here. I liked how the sound in the wind was used to build tension. The resolution was great as well; perhaps a bit cheesy on the one hoof, but very heartfelt on the other. The only real weaknesses I spotted were typographical in nature, and it’s the sort of thing where the rest of the goods were strong enough to make the typos feel that much more out of place.
Tier: Top Contender
>>horizon
Thanks, I did read that guidance. It seemed like good advice and I tried to take it to heart when writing my reviews, hopefully they're all somewhat-helpful to people. I haven't spoilered anything, let me know if I should.
My assigned stories are all done now, but once the contest is over I'll be happy to read and make similar comments on the other stories posted – just ask.
I also have a whole lot of recommended line-edits written down: misspellings, incorrect tense use, awkward phrasing, grammar problems, etc. Anyone who wants those is also welcome to them, or just a straight-up editing/proofing pass (on gdocs). Again, after the contest, and by request.
Thanks, I did read that guidance. It seemed like good advice and I tried to take it to heart when writing my reviews, hopefully they're all somewhat-helpful to people. I haven't spoilered anything, let me know if I should.
My assigned stories are all done now, but once the contest is over I'll be happy to read and make similar comments on the other stories posted – just ask.
I also have a whole lot of recommended line-edits written down: misspellings, incorrect tense use, awkward phrasing, grammar problems, etc. Anyone who wants those is also welcome to them, or just a straight-up editing/proofing pass (on gdocs). Again, after the contest, and by request.
Genre: Flaming Row
Thoughts: There’s a really strong set of moving parts of a story here. I fear they don’t quite gel into an equally strong overall package right now though. I’m unlikely to top the analyses provided by >>Trick_Question and >>horizon, so I’m posting “me too”like a brain-dead AOLer. I’ll specifically call out Trick’s point about the words “flaming row” having an outsized importance in understanding the story; I actually didn’t pick up on that the first time though, which made the whole thing seem even more random. That combination of words just isn’t something I ever run into, so the cleverness of needing to sate Discord’s desire for, well, discord before they could deliver the mail, was easy to lose track of.
Tier: Almost There
Thoughts: There’s a really strong set of moving parts of a story here. I fear they don’t quite gel into an equally strong overall package right now though. I’m unlikely to top the analyses provided by >>Trick_Question and >>horizon, so I’m posting “me too”
Tier: Almost There
Took me a few paragraphs before I figured out what was going on, but good lord... It’s simple and straightforward while also being complex and vague. Bootiful. Simply bootiful. 11/10.
My only tiny issue: Celestia and Luna are “created” on the same plane(?) as Twilight, except they’re more powerful. When Twilight become an alicorn, she’s essentially rising to their level, magically and physically, but here she also ascends to a higher plane of existence while they’re still stuck in their silly third dimension. I don’t know, maybe I’m just stretching for anything to criticize.
My only tiny issue: Celestia and Luna are “created” on the same plane(?) as Twilight, except they’re more powerful. When Twilight become an alicorn, she’s essentially rising to their level, magically and physically, but here she also ascends to a higher plane of existence while they’re still stuck in their silly third dimension. I don’t know, maybe I’m just stretching for anything to criticize.
Genre: Coffee's triumph over tea
Thoughts: This was subtle, stealthy, and downright atmospheric. I loved the way it didn't make the details of the situation clear until the end; and even then, it doesn't spell them out, yet they seem clear enough. Da's gud, Author.
Now, unfortunately, I must be a singularly unhelpful reviewer: I felt that the gestalt of the work was such that it landed in my Strong tier rather than my Top Competitor tier, but I'm fuzzy as to why. Maybe the few but visible typos got to me; or maybe the story felt a bit limited in its MLP-ness. To some extent a story like this could be written about any couple of characters; while the depiction of Sunset hews to what I'd term the Soufriere interpretation of her character (to which I'm partial), I didn't see much of Twilight being unique and distinctive unto herself.
Tier: Strong
Thoughts: This was subtle, stealthy, and downright atmospheric. I loved the way it didn't make the details of the situation clear until the end; and even then, it doesn't spell them out, yet they seem clear enough. Da's gud, Author.
Now, unfortunately, I must be a singularly unhelpful reviewer: I felt that the gestalt of the work was such that it landed in my Strong tier rather than my Top Competitor tier, but I'm fuzzy as to why. Maybe the few but visible typos got to me; or maybe the story felt a bit limited in its MLP-ness. To some extent a story like this could be written about any couple of characters; while the depiction of Sunset hews to what I'd term the Soufriere interpretation of her character (to which I'm partial), I didn't see much of Twilight being unique and distinctive unto herself.
Tier: Strong
This made me think back to Okkusenman and, fuck me, I'm having a melancholy trip. The next story better be a comedy or a light-hearted romance.
This was great, really, the way a seemingly normal day in Ponyville starts showing signs of oddness until the facade comes crumbling down once Twilight's actions come to light. I don't have any big criticism against the story itself, just a few minor issues regarding pacing which others have brought up.
If anything, I would've liked the reveal to come more slowly, showing Twilight on her seemingly usual routine with more of those little hints of what's really going on. Also, I would've liked to know more about what went down with Twilight and Discord, what is it that made her turn him to stone.
Otherwise, this is an excellent story. Well done.
And, hey, Twilight. Don't worry. It gets better.
This was great, really, the way a seemingly normal day in Ponyville starts showing signs of oddness until the facade comes crumbling down once Twilight's actions come to light. I don't have any big criticism against the story itself, just a few minor issues regarding pacing which others have brought up.
If anything, I would've liked the reveal to come more slowly, showing Twilight on her seemingly usual routine with more of those little hints of what's really going on. Also, I would've liked to know more about what went down with Twilight and Discord, what is it that made her turn him to stone.
Otherwise, this is an excellent story. Well done.
And, hey, Twilight. Don't worry. It gets better.
Immediately earned points by Discord’s middle initial being ‘Q,’ so be proud of that one. Using the prompt as part of his address was unexpected and clever, as well.
Ah, haha, I see. The mailmare chasing the dog inverts the trope, which is doubtlessly pleasing toSlaneesh Discord. Very clever way to open a door.
On the whole, a clever and a bit funny, but could use a little polish. The other commenters have sound advice already, so do defer to their expertise.
Here do a useful unicorn thing,That’s racist +1 sin
Ah, haha, I see. The mailmare chasing the dog inverts the trope, which is doubtlessly pleasing to
On the whole, a clever and a bit funny, but could use a little polish. The other commenters have sound advice already, so do defer to their expertise.
Cute!
I'm going to save you a whole paragraph of me gushing over how sweet this was because nobody wants to read that, and I'll go straight to the meat. While I think the story was superbly executed, I wish we could've gotten a bit more of Molly's time with Sparkling Dreams and Ordered Rank to better get a grip on Molly's feelngs, because that doesn't really shine until she's at the orphanage.
Also, why can Molly interact with other toys when in Kringle's workshop, but has never been shown to do that before?
Regardless, despite being a bit cliché, it remained thoroughly enjoyable. Pat yourself on the back for me.
Now to the storage room and dig out my old dolls.
I'm going to save you a whole paragraph of me gushing over how sweet this was because nobody wants to read that, and I'll go straight to the meat. While I think the story was superbly executed, I wish we could've gotten a bit more of Molly's time with Sparkling Dreams and Ordered Rank to better get a grip on Molly's feelngs, because that doesn't really shine until she's at the orphanage.
Also, why can Molly interact with other toys when in Kringle's workshop, but has never been shown to do that before?
Regardless, despite being a bit cliché, it remained thoroughly enjoyable. Pat yourself on the back for me.
Now to the storage room and dig out my old dolls.
It's never easy to deal with the loss of a loved one.
I enjoyed the story, despite its shortcomings, I think there's a solid concept in here that can be perfected with a little bit of work. As >>Trick_Question said, that last scene could benefit from being more than just dialogue. Show us Dash's thoughts, her body language, how is she feeling? Is she behaving differently now that she's returned? This is something that permeates the whole story, at several moments, the narrative would've been much richer had we gotten to see Dash's thoughts.
I can't deny that I liked it, though, and with an adequate expansion, this could be a moving piece.
I enjoyed the story, despite its shortcomings, I think there's a solid concept in here that can be perfected with a little bit of work. As >>Trick_Question said, that last scene could benefit from being more than just dialogue. Show us Dash's thoughts, her body language, how is she feeling? Is she behaving differently now that she's returned? This is something that permeates the whole story, at several moments, the narrative would've been much richer had we gotten to see Dash's thoughts.
I can't deny that I liked it, though, and with an adequate expansion, this could be a moving piece.
>>ToXikyogHurt
You can:
Read, rank, and comment on more stories than just the seven on your initial ballot, you know, by clicking the little "Add another" phrase under your ranking grid. You can do the whole three dozen of 'em if you wanna!
Mike
You can:
Read, rank, and comment on more stories than just the seven on your initial ballot, you know, by clicking the little "Add another" phrase under your ranking grid. You can do the whole three dozen of 'em if you wanna!
Mike
Nice evocative piece. I want to believe we're all currently in Rainbow's mane, like some sort of cosmic lice.
I really liked this. I'm not sure what I'd do to improve it save for fleshing out each encounter a bit more. An additional line of dialogue or two would do wonders, I feel.
I really liked this. I'm not sure what I'd do to improve it save for fleshing out each encounter a bit more. An additional line of dialogue or two would do wonders, I feel.
I agree with >>CoffeeMinion on a lot about this story. I like how it portrayed the idea of emptiness after a big break-up like this. And I'm guessing that you chose not to show a lot of how Sunset was feeling about this to try and keep up a sense of mystery about what was going on, choosing to let us guess by showing us a morning routine bereft of Twilight. The only problem for me was that there wasn't a super big emotional payoff because I'd guessed where this was going from the opening paragraphs. Vary well written though I must say, Far better then I could do to be honest, so take anything I say with a grain of salt.
I love the "mysterious shop of untold wonders" trope. Couldn't say exactly why but I do, and so I started reading with a smile on my face. I'm happy to report I kept smiling 'til the end.
As others have said, kudos on the creative take on the prompt. I also liked the interactions between Moondancer and the shopkeeper, and only wish they could've kept talking a bit more. Besides that, I'll just agree with >>Fenton's take on how her inner dialogue could've been better integrated into the narrative. And, yeah, the ending felt too abrupt. A paragraph or two would've help wrap up the story and end on a stronger note.
Otherwise, I really liked this story and can't wait to see it expnded.
As others have said, kudos on the creative take on the prompt. I also liked the interactions between Moondancer and the shopkeeper, and only wish they could've kept talking a bit more. Besides that, I'll just agree with >>Fenton's take on how her inner dialogue could've been better integrated into the narrative. And, yeah, the ending felt too abrupt. A paragraph or two would've help wrap up the story and end on a stronger note.
Otherwise, I really liked this story and can't wait to see it expnded.
This is a really great idea for a story, and given more time to expand upon that idea and flesh out the telling, I'm sure I'd love to add it to my favorites. But as it is right now, it feels a little weak in the storytelling department. I'm particularly bugged by the narrative short cut of someone bringing up a hitherto unheard of, non-cannon parental or historical figure by simple name dropping them, and having someone else respond with said person's canonical connection as a question.
It just feels like a cop out, and whenever I see it done, I instantly and unreasonably hate the new character through association.
I will tell you what Princess Fyreflye told me so long ago."
"Mother?" the sisters gasped at once.
It just feels like a cop out, and whenever I see it done, I instantly and unreasonably hate the new character through association.
>>Baal Bunny
I've done nine. There is a second round of voting, yes? I'll do a few more then. It takes me quite some time to read, review and comment. I have other things that need doing this week. I'm behind my schedule already.
I got fairly lucky too, I think, in that I didn't have to read anything that I outright hated. If I had, I would not have been kind; I'd like to give people some way to avoid my public savaging of their work. Now that they can see what it would entail. I can't imagine it's entirely pleasant. Even the 'nice' review I left – I suspect that one is creepy. If it doesn't seem so, then I haven't properly conveyed my desire to have that author's babies.
Plus, if I reviewied many more than half, I'd feel obliged to fake my own review – because on average it would have showed up. I'm not sure I could seem convincingly objective enough. I can't win, but there's no need to DQ myself by leaving a review that's just the word "trash" five-hundred times. I'm already hiding from the comments on mine entirely until I work up the nerve to read them. Sometime in January, probably. Yay for anxiety :/
I've done nine. There is a second round of voting, yes? I'll do a few more then. It takes me quite some time to read, review and comment. I have other things that need doing this week. I'm behind my schedule already.
I got fairly lucky too, I think, in that I didn't have to read anything that I outright hated. If I had, I would not have been kind; I'd like to give people some way to avoid my public savaging of their work. Now that they can see what it would entail. I can't imagine it's entirely pleasant. Even the 'nice' review I left – I suspect that one is creepy. If it doesn't seem so, then I haven't properly conveyed my desire to have that author's babies.
Plus, if I reviewied many more than half, I'd feel obliged to fake my own review – because on average it would have showed up. I'm not sure I could seem convincingly objective enough. I can't win, but there's no need to DQ myself by leaving a review that's just the word "trash" five-hundred times. I'm already hiding from the comments on mine entirely until I work up the nerve to read them. Sometime in January, probably. Yay for anxiety :/
This is an interesting entry, which gave me a sense of poetic beauty, epic awesomeness and a few touching moments.
The author managed to concile the mortal and Deity aspects of all characters, with the exception of the Fluttershy-Discord swap that felt off. I agree with Zaid that having longer interactions would be very interesting.
However, the abstract and metaphysical nature of the story was a bit hard to digest. Several descriptions felt meaningless instead of being evocative of a cosmic state of existence.
Overall, a solid mid-upper tier.
The author managed to concile the mortal and Deity aspects of all characters, with the exception of the Fluttershy-Discord swap that felt off. I agree with Zaid that having longer interactions would be very interesting.
However, the abstract and metaphysical nature of the story was a bit hard to digest. Several descriptions felt meaningless instead of being evocative of a cosmic state of existence.
Overall, a solid mid-upper tier.
I won't waste too much time echoing what everyone else said. Cool idea, rushed pacing, needs to be fleshed out.
With that out of the way I just wanted to say how much I really hope you flesh this out into a full story after the writeoff. I've always loved stories that manage to mix a tragic forgone-conclusion with a semi-hopeful or at least non-depressing plot. So far this is the first 'End of All Things' fic I've come across that's really managed to nail that Seeking a Friend at the End of the World feel, and I would love to read it on fimfic in fuller form someday.
With that out of the way I just wanted to say how much I really hope you flesh this out into a full story after the writeoff. I've always loved stories that manage to mix a tragic forgone-conclusion with a semi-hopeful or at least non-depressing plot. So far this is the first 'End of All Things' fic I've come across that's really managed to nail that Seeking a Friend at the End of the World feel, and I would love to read it on fimfic in fuller form someday.
I'm going to be the bad guy here, I'm afraid?
Look, before we even start -- this is well-written. The dialogue flows, the prose is good, this is a well-constructed story. From a technical point of view I legit have nothing to say, which is a damn good thing. I don't know how many stories you've written, author, but this clearly shows that you know how to write one. If you've written a lot, hoo boy, does it show, congrats. If you haven't, hoo boy, it doesn't show, congrats too. Really good writing here.
But, story-wise? Eeeeeh?
I mean, this is just -- snotty ponies are snotty. Vinyl isn't snotty. Hell, she's portrayed in the least snotty way possible, with an added "gee what kind of girlfriend I wouldn't be if I didn't [ACT OF KINDNESS HERE] let's have mac and cheese" moment on top of it all. This a really, really predictable story, told in a really, really obvious way.
I'm not gonna call for subtlety because this story doesn't need subtlety. Vinyl being inconditionally supportive and outright explaining how she's the polar opposite of every other pony in the story to date is as subtle as a hammer to the face, because subtlety would make the story worse. Maybe something a bit less heavy-handed would've been slightly less jarring, but the idea is solid.
However, I do think this needs some more originality. Within three seconds of starting this story I knew exactly what was going to happen. The conflict is one I've seen, read, and heard a million times already -- both outside of ponyfic and in ponyfic alone. Especially regarding these two.
"Octavia's family/friends don't approve of Vinyl" tends to be a cliché subplot in most stories about these two, so as a main plot?
Eeeh. Again: really well-written. This is not a bad story at all. It is, however, really unoriginal. I say that if you added something to the story to make it stand out it would be pretty damn good, because the technical level is absolutely there and -- usually -- that is by far the hardest thing to get right.
But, as-is, this is more of an exercise in writing than a story per se. It adds nothing new to the table; it's readable but pretty forgettable, and we know what's going to happen within three seconds of the story. Those are pretty big flaws, sadly, so I'd say to me it's a definite mid-tier. Won't go to the bottom of the list any time soon because it's well written, but not to the top either.
I'm kinda feeling guilty about writing this? I don't want you to be bummed out, author, 'cause obviously a lot of effort (or a lot of skill) went into the story. The scenes flow well, the characters are well-defined, the prose is good, etc. It's just the storytelling, the plot, that's lacking. So, hey, you've pretty much almost there -- you just need to add some more flavor, something to surprise the reader, and you'll have a knock-out.
Look, before we even start -- this is well-written. The dialogue flows, the prose is good, this is a well-constructed story. From a technical point of view I legit have nothing to say, which is a damn good thing. I don't know how many stories you've written, author, but this clearly shows that you know how to write one. If you've written a lot, hoo boy, does it show, congrats. If you haven't, hoo boy, it doesn't show, congrats too. Really good writing here.
But, story-wise? Eeeeeh?
I mean, this is just -- snotty ponies are snotty. Vinyl isn't snotty. Hell, she's portrayed in the least snotty way possible, with an added "gee what kind of girlfriend I wouldn't be if I didn't [ACT OF KINDNESS HERE] let's have mac and cheese" moment on top of it all. This a really, really predictable story, told in a really, really obvious way.
I'm not gonna call for subtlety because this story doesn't need subtlety. Vinyl being inconditionally supportive and outright explaining how she's the polar opposite of every other pony in the story to date is as subtle as a hammer to the face, because subtlety would make the story worse. Maybe something a bit less heavy-handed would've been slightly less jarring, but the idea is solid.
However, I do think this needs some more originality. Within three seconds of starting this story I knew exactly what was going to happen. The conflict is one I've seen, read, and heard a million times already -- both outside of ponyfic and in ponyfic alone. Especially regarding these two.
"Octavia's family/friends don't approve of Vinyl" tends to be a cliché subplot in most stories about these two, so as a main plot?
Eeeh. Again: really well-written. This is not a bad story at all. It is, however, really unoriginal. I say that if you added something to the story to make it stand out it would be pretty damn good, because the technical level is absolutely there and -- usually -- that is by far the hardest thing to get right.
But, as-is, this is more of an exercise in writing than a story per se. It adds nothing new to the table; it's readable but pretty forgettable, and we know what's going to happen within three seconds of the story. Those are pretty big flaws, sadly, so I'd say to me it's a definite mid-tier. Won't go to the bottom of the list any time soon because it's well written, but not to the top either.
I'm kinda feeling guilty about writing this? I don't want you to be bummed out, author, 'cause obviously a lot of effort (or a lot of skill) went into the story. The scenes flow well, the characters are well-defined, the prose is good, etc. It's just the storytelling, the plot, that's lacking. So, hey, you've pretty much almost there -- you just need to add some more flavor, something to surprise the reader, and you'll have a knock-out.
Did I write this? No. But I wish I had. This is right up my alley, except that I don't usually go the Singularity route with my sci-fi (I'm certainly not keen on the idea of living forever). Excellent story with a perfect ending.
The only flaw here is your quantumbabble is off in several places. The biggest one is microTwis made of neutronium, which is beyond ridiculous—that is not how neutronium works, and it makes about as much sense as making her out of a continual meter-sized supernova... it just isn't a thing. You could, however have made her out of strange matter, in which case each microTwi would be a strangelet.
That's the only flaw that absolutely begs correction. You can always come to me for help if you want to be technically accurate on mathbabble or sciencebabble. :twilightsmile:
The only flaw here is your quantumbabble is off in several places. The biggest one is microTwis made of neutronium, which is beyond ridiculous—that is not how neutronium works, and it makes about as much sense as making her out of a continual meter-sized supernova... it just isn't a thing. You could, however have made her out of strange matter, in which case each microTwi would be a strangelet.
That's the only flaw that absolutely begs correction. You can always come to me for help if you want to be technically accurate on mathbabble or sciencebabble. :twilightsmile:
>>Trick_Question
Apparently, ∃ A ⊂ {stories} s.t. A={shipping story about Ember and Thorax, story about Moondancer}. Furthermore, cardinality of {stories} = cardinality of {authors}.
Either Trick Question entered a second story under an alias, or this will break my brain. And that's before I even begin considering the implications of sci-fi stories.
Apparently, ∃ A ⊂ {stories} s.t. A={shipping story about Ember and Thorax, story about Moondancer}. Furthermore, cardinality of {stories} = cardinality of {authors}.
Either Trick Question entered a second story under an alias, or this will break my brain. And that's before I even begin considering the implications of sci-fi stories.
>>Pascoite
Keep reading. There's more than those two stories with my signature all over them. Although I think a lot of people are into Embrax.
And no, I didn't use an alias. I'm all about personal honesty :pinkiehappy:
Keep reading. There's more than those two stories with my signature all over them. Although I think a lot of people are into Embrax.
And no, I didn't use an alias. I'm all about personal honesty :pinkiehappy:
I loved this. My only complaint is that I think AJ and Dash need a stronger foundation than "thought about each other for years but never dated" in order to sell the romance. It doesn't make sense that AJ would be ready to marry somepony she's never dated, especially given her character.
I think if you made them former lovers that drifted apart because of Dash's schedule with the Bolts, it would work much better. That's all I have to offer.
I think if you made them former lovers that drifted apart because of Dash's schedule with the Bolts, it would work much better. That's all I have to offer.
Absolutely delightful, Writer.
It’s interesting that Ember isn’t even willing to try the activities that Thorax had planned for them in the hive (though, she’s probably right, meditation circles don’t seem like a dragon sort of thing), but it’s her idea to take Thorax (several hundred miles away) to a place where they might have a shot at finding common ground. This is actually pretty reasonable! It’s a shame she’s still wrong, and they have effectively nothing in terms of shared interests, but it’s nice that she thought to go to such lengths to try to find some common ground. I also like that both of them are kind of in the wrong - Ember could be less obstinate, and Thorax could be less of a wet blanket. There's a good balance here.
But my gosh, do I love the city of Telos. Everything from the reek of the docks to the noisy market square feel fleshed out and alive, and I particularly liked everything that transpired in the bar. The sparkling mineral water gag in particular got a great guffaw out of me. ^^
I do have a quibble - if I’m doing my math correctly, Bellicose is accusing Ember of (indirectly) killing three thousand members of his crew. While the pirates are clearly unsavory folk (buying and selling sentient beings, clipping wings, etc), the wholesale slaughter of so many tiger folk (rakshasa?) should probably elicit some sort of response from Thorax, rather than have him take it so well in stride.
Something else tickled my brain in the bar scene - what’s the deal with the pegasus, the thestral, and the bird with the big hat? It feels a little too specific for stage dressing is all, as though it’s ringing the faintest of bells in my memory. Maybe not, though.
I thoroughly enjoyed reading this story, Writer. Well done, indeed.
Final Thought: WE’RE ALL ALRIGHT! WE’RE ALL ALRIGHT!
It’s interesting that Ember isn’t even willing to try the activities that Thorax had planned for them in the hive (though, she’s probably right, meditation circles don’t seem like a dragon sort of thing), but it’s her idea to take Thorax (several hundred miles away) to a place where they might have a shot at finding common ground. This is actually pretty reasonable! It’s a shame she’s still wrong, and they have effectively nothing in terms of shared interests, but it’s nice that she thought to go to such lengths to try to find some common ground. I also like that both of them are kind of in the wrong - Ember could be less obstinate, and Thorax could be less of a wet blanket. There's a good balance here.
But my gosh, do I love the city of Telos. Everything from the reek of the docks to the noisy market square feel fleshed out and alive, and I particularly liked everything that transpired in the bar. The sparkling mineral water gag in particular got a great guffaw out of me. ^^
I do have a quibble - if I’m doing my math correctly, Bellicose is accusing Ember of (indirectly) killing three thousand members of his crew. While the pirates are clearly unsavory folk (buying and selling sentient beings, clipping wings, etc), the wholesale slaughter of so many tiger folk (rakshasa?) should probably elicit some sort of response from Thorax, rather than have him take it so well in stride.
Something else tickled my brain in the bar scene - what’s the deal with the pegasus, the thestral, and the bird with the big hat? It feels a little too specific for stage dressing is all, as though it’s ringing the faintest of bells in my memory. Maybe not, though.
I thoroughly enjoyed reading this story, Writer. Well done, indeed.
Final Thought: WE’RE ALL ALRIGHT! WE’RE ALL ALRIGHT!
>>Trick_Question
I haven't read anything. I'm just going by what I've seen in the comments. Your subtle influence is seeping into other writers!
I haven't read anything. I'm just going by what I've seen in the comments. Your subtle influence is seeping into other writers!
I started not liking this concept-wise because I'm an ass and 'Sunset reconciliates with Celestia', on its own, is kind of boring a thing to do -- been there done that. Then I went on reading and I really started to like it, 'cause the writing was pretty strong. I haven't finished my entire ballot, but this was going on top contender on that alone.
Then I got to the ending! And yeah, screw the initial complain -- which is extremely biased, so it's not like it was gonna affect my voting anyway; I'm just saying it so you know you won me over -- I like the prompt in this one. Good job!
Spoilers now, I guess.
I find myself disagreeing with >>horizon a bit here. On the one hand, at no point did I think that this was meant to be a "Sunset has been a changeling all along" story -- the moment I picked up that she was one of those I immediately jumped to the conclusion that this was a completely different character.
So, yeah, I disagree with the idea that this would be better if the changeling was the Sunset we all know and love. Her interaction with Silver Spear, and the constant commentary on Celestia's misjudgement of ponies -- fancy foreshadowing, that one, by the way -- make the story much stronger if this ISN'T Sunset, I believe.
Plus, why does the changeling care if Celestia finds out it was all a lie at one point? They've already fed. There's no reason for the changeling to return; let them know the truth if they want to. As long as Celestia doesn't realize this in the moment they're safe.
Mind you: I have only read this once, and I'll admit that I might have missed some details. I'll re-read later today when I have the time, to see how it stands up.
As it is, though? I liked it! And I really like the ending. Good job, author. Top of the ballot for you so far.
Then I got to the ending! And yeah, screw the initial complain -- which is extremely biased, so it's not like it was gonna affect my voting anyway; I'm just saying it so you know you won me over -- I like the prompt in this one. Good job!
Spoilers now, I guess.
I find myself disagreeing with >>horizon a bit here. On the one hand, at no point did I think that this was meant to be a "Sunset has been a changeling all along" story -- the moment I picked up that she was one of those I immediately jumped to the conclusion that this was a completely different character.
So, yeah, I disagree with the idea that this would be better if the changeling was the Sunset we all know and love. Her interaction with Silver Spear, and the constant commentary on Celestia's misjudgement of ponies -- fancy foreshadowing, that one, by the way -- make the story much stronger if this ISN'T Sunset, I believe.
Plus, why does the changeling care if Celestia finds out it was all a lie at one point? They've already fed. There's no reason for the changeling to return; let them know the truth if they want to. As long as Celestia doesn't realize this in the moment they're safe.
Mind you: I have only read this once, and I'll admit that I might have missed some details. I'll re-read later today when I have the time, to see how it stands up.
As it is, though? I liked it! And I really like the ending. Good job, author. Top of the ballot for you so far.
>>Zaid Val'Roa
Black Friday may have been closer to insanity at one point, but it isn't now. Those stories of people getting trampled and such? Like Trick Question said, there aren't THAT many of them, and salespeople learn from it. Like, giving a number to everyone waiting in line overnight, at some places, to stop disputes and give their employees a way to know who was actually first. Also appreciated by line-standers when it's cold and having a number for when they showed up allows waiting in cars or breaks to fetch coffee. I don't go out on Black Friday because I have a hard time with crowds and big lines, but I was out once and it wasn't awful. Crowded, merchandise running low, a bit hard to maneuver and to find your size and such (I wasn't there first thing when it opened) and a bit messy from all the people who'd been through, but not like this. The people running the sales work hard to keep things orderly, and you generally find a lot of people in a store on Black Friday and extremely long lines but not active trampling or fighting.
Now, about this story.
I've read a "ponies have Black Friday and it's a disaster" story before, written by Estee, so I have to admit I found the setup in that story to make much more sense. I'm sorry to compare your story directly with another, but it was going on in my head through much of it. Anyways, a lot of the Black Friday--I'm sorry, Big Friends Day--antics were silly, but possibly a bit too over the top. My favorite parts were Twilight's customers (I've done some customer service, of a sort, and sometimes the things people say/ask....) and the bit with Fluttershy and the mug. That over-the-topness I found amusing. Maybe find a balance between wildly, blatantly over the top and something we could actually imagine happening? I don't know. The beginning of the story just seemed ridiculous--let's have a sale so everyone can be convinced to try this new tradition of Hearth's Warming gifts! That many people jump on board a new thing like that, to make it crazy? (Twilight's NOT from Canterlot? Or is it just her parents who aren't?). The Princess of Friendship going on about the wonderful-ness of material giving? Her way-too-far distractedness by books? Hearth's Warming presents aren't a thing already?
Anyways, I just can't point to all the things that threw it off for me. >>ToXikyogHurt nailed why Pinkie's section didn't make me laugh or want to, and what I feel we should have seen from Rarity. Also, Rarity said she was participating in the sale, but didn't put anything on sale? That was weird. And it skipped to her crying at the end of the day. Not much of her at all.
It's not a very new concept, and while I liked a few things, and the Apples actually managing (up until they run out) was one I forgot to mention above, I can't say I'm a huge fan of this. Sorry, Author. I appreciate the effort you put in. You did try to come up with unique ways for it to go sideways--Rarity doesn't have a sale, Twilight has stupid customers, Pinkie becomes a daycare, the Apples manage until running out--but not all of them landed for me, and the overall plot wasn't terribly new. You did a good job with the prose, I hope this review helps, and good luck with whatever you work on next!
Black Friday may have been closer to insanity at one point, but it isn't now. Those stories of people getting trampled and such? Like Trick Question said, there aren't THAT many of them, and salespeople learn from it. Like, giving a number to everyone waiting in line overnight, at some places, to stop disputes and give their employees a way to know who was actually first. Also appreciated by line-standers when it's cold and having a number for when they showed up allows waiting in cars or breaks to fetch coffee. I don't go out on Black Friday because I have a hard time with crowds and big lines, but I was out once and it wasn't awful. Crowded, merchandise running low, a bit hard to maneuver and to find your size and such (I wasn't there first thing when it opened) and a bit messy from all the people who'd been through, but not like this. The people running the sales work hard to keep things orderly, and you generally find a lot of people in a store on Black Friday and extremely long lines but not active trampling or fighting.
Now, about this story.
I've read a "ponies have Black Friday and it's a disaster" story before, written by Estee, so I have to admit I found the setup in that story to make much more sense. I'm sorry to compare your story directly with another, but it was going on in my head through much of it. Anyways, a lot of the Black Friday--I'm sorry, Big Friends Day--antics were silly, but possibly a bit too over the top. My favorite parts were Twilight's customers (I've done some customer service, of a sort, and sometimes the things people say/ask....) and the bit with Fluttershy and the mug. That over-the-topness I found amusing. Maybe find a balance between wildly, blatantly over the top and something we could actually imagine happening? I don't know. The beginning of the story just seemed ridiculous--let's have a sale so everyone can be convinced to try this new tradition of Hearth's Warming gifts! That many people jump on board a new thing like that, to make it crazy? (Twilight's NOT from Canterlot? Or is it just her parents who aren't?). The Princess of Friendship going on about the wonderful-ness of material giving? Her way-too-far distractedness by books? Hearth's Warming presents aren't a thing already?
Anyways, I just can't point to all the things that threw it off for me. >>ToXikyogHurt nailed why Pinkie's section didn't make me laugh or want to, and what I feel we should have seen from Rarity. Also, Rarity said she was participating in the sale, but didn't put anything on sale? That was weird. And it skipped to her crying at the end of the day. Not much of her at all.
It's not a very new concept, and while I liked a few things, and the Apples actually managing (up until they run out) was one I forgot to mention above, I can't say I'm a huge fan of this. Sorry, Author. I appreciate the effort you put in. You did try to come up with unique ways for it to go sideways--Rarity doesn't have a sale, Twilight has stupid customers, Pinkie becomes a daycare, the Apples manage until running out--but not all of them landed for me, and the overall plot wasn't terribly new. You did a good job with the prose, I hope this review helps, and good luck with whatever you work on next!
Sorry, author, but this story rubbed me the wrong way. I think Horizon addressed the reasons best, though I was struggling to put my finger on it before reading his review. Was bothered by the one character's behavior, and the turnaround was so abrupt that I had to reevaluate everything and that it read unrealistically. I like to think I forgive quickly but there's no way I wouldn't have still been kinda huffy after all that.
I do really like your use of the prompt. That was clever. Take the previous commenter's advice and you'll be good.
Edit: One other small thing--what does Indicia's name mean? Every single other named character has a name that has to do with mail and/or mail delivery, while "Indicia" sounds more like a normal human name.
I do really like your use of the prompt. That was clever. Take the previous commenter's advice and you'll be good.
Edit: One other small thing--what does Indicia's name mean? Every single other named character has a name that has to do with mail and/or mail delivery, while "Indicia" sounds more like a normal human name.
Pascoite seems to think since I wrote a whopping 150 words about Embrax that I must be the author of this one (or another Embrax fic; statistically it's as likely that there are two than this is the one Pascoite read).
But I know hydrochloric acid is HCl (lowercase L), not HCI (uppercase i, and there's an H3CI called methyl iodide but that's as close as that comes to a chemical), and I'd never call a nightwing a thestral. So this ain't me.
I do, however, like it! But the problem here is the romance needs a stronger foundation. We don't get any clue as to why Ember and Thorax like each other; we only see the reasons why they shouldn't. They're both regents thrust into lordships at a young age and in an unexpected way, which is something they could bond over more than they're doing here. Maybe the literacy thing could be a place to start, too.
If these two don't show at least some chemistry at the beginning of the story, for some logical reason, the romance doesn't make sense or seem realistic. Work on that and you'll have a great story.
But I know hydrochloric acid is HCl (lowercase L), not HCI (uppercase i, and there's an H3CI called methyl iodide but that's as close as that comes to a chemical), and I'd never call a nightwing a thestral. So this ain't me.
I do, however, like it! But the problem here is the romance needs a stronger foundation. We don't get any clue as to why Ember and Thorax like each other; we only see the reasons why they shouldn't. They're both regents thrust into lordships at a young age and in an unexpected way, which is something they could bond over more than they're doing here. Maybe the literacy thing could be a place to start, too.
If these two don't show at least some chemistry at the beginning of the story, for some logical reason, the romance doesn't make sense or seem realistic. Work on that and you'll have a great story.
Yeah I have little to add, as >>Trick_Question pretty much said everything there was to say. It's well-written, sure, and it was a cute story? But it lacked originality, the pony setting was -- if anything -- a drawback, and the lack of foreshadowing on the doll being 'special' made it less powerful emotionally.
Technically, though, really good story. Pat yourself on the back for that. However, from a purely storytelling perspective, this was both something we've all seen before and something extremely predictable -- and together, those two things can weigh a story down a lot, sadly.
Technically, though, really good story. Pat yourself on the back for that. However, from a purely storytelling perspective, this was both something we've all seen before and something extremely predictable -- and together, those two things can weigh a story down a lot, sadly.
>>Kitcat36
You know I wasn't really thinking about Indicia's name while reading it, but now that you mention it it does look out of place for the postal service. So, I looked it up and lo and behold, it's actually clever:
So good eye to you for noticing the strangeness, and retroactive props to the author for sticking to the naming convention without being overly repetitive.
You know I wasn't really thinking about Indicia's name while reading it, but now that you mention it it does look out of place for the postal service. So, I looked it up and lo and behold, it's actually clever:
Definition of indicia
1 : distinctive marks : indications
2 : postal markings often imprinted on mail or on labels to be affixed to mail
So good eye to you for noticing the strangeness, and retroactive props to the author for sticking to the naming convention without being overly repetitive.
Did I like it? Yes. Did I understand "row" only because I've read Narnia? Yes again. I can't add anything to what the mass of reviews said, so yeah...
Tier: Keep Developing!
Tier: Keep Developing!
I like the idea behind this. It does away with the melodrama that usually comes with stories like this. It felt like one of the more realistic depictions of losing a loved one that I've read in fanfic. So that's good!
As for the... less good, I'd say the description was a bit bare throughout. As those above me mentioned, the entire last scene has virtually no description in it whatsoever. I feel like the heart of this story is good, but it needs to be fleshed out with some meat on the bones before I'd call it great.
A valiant effort!
As for the... less good, I'd say the description was a bit bare throughout. As those above me mentioned, the entire last scene has virtually no description in it whatsoever. I feel like the heart of this story is good, but it needs to be fleshed out with some meat on the bones before I'd call it great.
A valiant effort!
Oh, what a joy, what a joy.
I loved the dynamic between dragon girl and bugboy, Seeing their personalities clash and how they still tried to have a good time was a lot of fun. The island was also interesting, I wish we could've seen more of the town, too, but the few glimpses we got painted an alluring picture.
I'd suggest trimming down the scene at the hive because, as nice as it is, it has little relevancy to what will happen later, and ends up feeling like an overblown prologue to Ember and Thorax's journey.
Still, I genuinely enjoyed the story, and I agree with >>regidar, how Ember's illiteracy came up from time to time was chuckle-worthy and a sign of a solidly crafted story.
>>Trick_Question
Huh, y'know while I did read this expecting romance (because, like Icenrose, years in this fandom has conditioned me to do so) this felt more of a friendship tale than a romantic one. Ember and Thorax are buddies who want to hang out sometimes, especially because their respective circle of friends is rather small, and they now have this new friend and want to make the best out of it, they're just having a bit of trouble figuring things out.
I mean, it could become romance later on, but I liked this story because it has a nice message about how you can be friends with people who are radically different from you if you try.
I loved the dynamic between dragon girl and bugboy, Seeing their personalities clash and how they still tried to have a good time was a lot of fun. The island was also interesting, I wish we could've seen more of the town, too, but the few glimpses we got painted an alluring picture.
I'd suggest trimming down the scene at the hive because, as nice as it is, it has little relevancy to what will happen later, and ends up feeling like an overblown prologue to Ember and Thorax's journey.
Still, I genuinely enjoyed the story, and I agree with >>regidar, how Ember's illiteracy came up from time to time was chuckle-worthy and a sign of a solidly crafted story.
>>Trick_Question
Huh, y'know while I did read this expecting romance (because, like Icenrose, years in this fandom has conditioned me to do so) this felt more of a friendship tale than a romantic one. Ember and Thorax are buddies who want to hang out sometimes, especially because their respective circle of friends is rather small, and they now have this new friend and want to make the best out of it, they're just having a bit of trouble figuring things out.
I mean, it could become romance later on, but I liked this story because it has a nice message about how you can be friends with people who are radically different from you if you try.
>>Zaid Val'Roa
Even for friendship, I'm not seeing it. And going to so much trouble to see a friend is strange if there's nothing underlying the relationship—which is why this feels shippy to me. I think romance was the intent here.
Even for friendship, I'm not seeing it. And going to so much trouble to see a friend is strange if there's nothing underlying the relationship—which is why this feels shippy to me. I think romance was the intent here.
>>MLPmatthewl419
I got 'row' from the Phantom Tollbooth, but it was misspelled intentionally.
It's not a common definition in American English, and easily confused with any of the other dozen meanings of the word 'row'.
I got 'row' from the Phantom Tollbooth, but it was misspelled intentionally.
It's not a common definition in American English, and easily confused with any of the other dozen meanings of the word 'row'.
Huh, interesting. It took a while for the story to grow on me, but by the time Lily and the protagonist were running around Canterlot, I was fully immersed. The prose helped a lot, there are vey clever wordplays in here which I liked a lot.
Ultimately, though, I have to agree with >>Trick_Question, in that we haven't really gotten to see what makes the protagonist dislike nobility so much. A few lines here and there to explain it through dialogue and inner monologues would've sufficed, but right now it just feels like drama fuel.
I suppose Lily is against the idea of meeting the protagonist ever again because she's starting her new life and that means shedding Lily Flower's persona away, previous ties included.
Also, this just a minor gripe, but if you're changing your name, why change it to something so similar to your original name?
Anyway, despite it's shortcomings, this was quite interesting.
Ultimately, though, I have to agree with >>Trick_Question, in that we haven't really gotten to see what makes the protagonist dislike nobility so much. A few lines here and there to explain it through dialogue and inner monologues would've sufficed, but right now it just feels like drama fuel.
I suppose Lily is against the idea of meeting the protagonist ever again because she's starting her new life and that means shedding Lily Flower's persona away, previous ties included.
Also, this just a minor gripe, but if you're changing your name, why change it to something so similar to your original name?
Anyway, despite it's shortcomings, this was quite interesting.