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Power Metal fan, Epic fantasy writer. The two go hand in hand!
Thank you everyone for the critiques! The vast majority of the problems came down to the simple fact that it was rushed. I finished most of this on the final day, and had to heavily abridge most of what I had initially wanted to do.
>>Trick_Question The primary point to this fic was to be a heroic last stand, inspired by the real life Warsaw Uprising. There was never intended to be a deeper message, other than to entertain through a war story and empathize with the characters.
>>CoffeeMinion Power Metal is my biggest influence in writing big action set piece fics. So yeah, the movie version of 300 definitely had an influence on the tone of the story, as did several songs by the Power Metal band Sabaton. There is always an element of shlock to my stories, though I do intend for it to be serious enough for the drama to be real and impactful.
>>TrumpetofDoom The formatting issue was, again, due to it being rushed. I was at college at the time of publishing, with a few minutes on the clock left,and *bam*, Internet goes down. So I had to copy/paste ASAP an hope that the indentation worked. By the time I notice it didn't, it was too late to edit. I originally wanted this to be a middle chapter of three, but time constraints meant it was cut short.
>>Zaid Val'Roa I often have banter between characters in my stories for some levity, but I understand how the close proximity to the dramatic sudden ending made it more than a little jarring. That's something I'll change for the re-edit.
>>2Merr My intention was for Scarlet to be fed up with Jester and wanting to get on with the fight, so he ignores the annoying pony in favor of more important stuff. Silver and Midnight were supposed to get more screen time, but yet again, time constraints killed that. I wanted one of them to be trans because if gender is irrelevant in a war situation, then why not have more characters who *aren't* cisgender by default? As for Jester's betrayal, it was supposed to be sudden and unexpected, but oddly enough, when I showed my editor this fic, he enjoyed the subtlety of said betrayal. How would you change it to make it less of a face-heel-turn without being too obviously foreshadowed?
Thanks again to all who commented! I plan on making an expanded and properly edited version of this in the new year. Follow me on FimFiction under the username "Mystic Mind" to see what else I do. This story is intended to be a spiritual prequel to my fic, "Siege of the Crystal Empire", which I think you will all enjoy due to its longer and more polished nature than this one!
>>Trick_Question The primary point to this fic was to be a heroic last stand, inspired by the real life Warsaw Uprising. There was never intended to be a deeper message, other than to entertain through a war story and empathize with the characters.
>>CoffeeMinion Power Metal is my biggest influence in writing big action set piece fics. So yeah, the movie version of 300 definitely had an influence on the tone of the story, as did several songs by the Power Metal band Sabaton. There is always an element of shlock to my stories, though I do intend for it to be serious enough for the drama to be real and impactful.
>>TrumpetofDoom The formatting issue was, again, due to it being rushed. I was at college at the time of publishing, with a few minutes on the clock left,and *bam*, Internet goes down. So I had to copy/paste ASAP an hope that the indentation worked. By the time I notice it didn't, it was too late to edit. I originally wanted this to be a middle chapter of three, but time constraints meant it was cut short.
>>Zaid Val'Roa I often have banter between characters in my stories for some levity, but I understand how the close proximity to the dramatic sudden ending made it more than a little jarring. That's something I'll change for the re-edit.
>>2Merr My intention was for Scarlet to be fed up with Jester and wanting to get on with the fight, so he ignores the annoying pony in favor of more important stuff. Silver and Midnight were supposed to get more screen time, but yet again, time constraints killed that. I wanted one of them to be trans because if gender is irrelevant in a war situation, then why not have more characters who *aren't* cisgender by default? As for Jester's betrayal, it was supposed to be sudden and unexpected, but oddly enough, when I showed my editor this fic, he enjoyed the subtlety of said betrayal. How would you change it to make it less of a face-heel-turn without being too obviously foreshadowed?
Thanks again to all who commented! I plan on making an expanded and properly edited version of this in the new year. Follow me on FimFiction under the username "Mystic Mind" to see what else I do. This story is intended to be a spiritual prequel to my fic, "Siege of the Crystal Empire", which I think you will all enjoy due to its longer and more polished nature than this one!
Well this was certainly a powerful piece to start off with! Considering that this is the literal end of the universe, I'm kind of surprised at your chosen representations of each character. The descriptions and the differing emotional reactions to the end of all things work so well in how they are presented, even if they don't quite reflect the corresponding elements of harmony.
The abstract nature of the prose made this a bit tricky to follow early on, and I'm still not entirely sure how it all came about. However, this reminds me so much of countless mythological tales of the apocalypse, I can't say I didn't enjoy it! I give this fic a solid B+.
The abstract nature of the prose made this a bit tricky to follow early on, and I'm still not entirely sure how it all came about. However, this reminds me so much of countless mythological tales of the apocalypse, I can't say I didn't enjoy it! I give this fic a solid B+.
>>Zaid Val'Roa
I don't have much to add because you already said most of my potential critiques. This story had some fantastic dialogue writing, but the whole sudden possession thing feels a bit of a Deus Ex Machina.
Well done as a whole, though! B+
I don't have much to add because you already said most of my potential critiques. This story had some fantastic dialogue writing, but the whole sudden possession thing feels a bit of a Deus Ex Machina.
Well done as a whole, though! B+
I generally agree with the other critics, but just to summarise; the second half felt like a different story to the first half, with the two ideas mashed together. I was expecting something more in the way of a magical ascension, in accordance with the show. Perhaps having a better established sci-fi theme in the first half would help join the two concepts together.
This was an emotional ride which absolutely got me invested. It's just the ending feeling like it came out of left field!
This was an emotional ride which absolutely got me invested. It's just the ending feeling like it came out of left field!
I'm not going to get this edited in time. Can I submit the first draft then add the second when it's done?
>>horizon
I submitted it, but I think the Timer ran out just as my Internet cut out! Did you get it?
I submitted it, but I think the Timer ran out just as my Internet cut out! Did you get it?