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Here at the End of all Things. · FiM Short Story ·
Organised by RogerDodger
Word limit 2000–8000
Show rules for this event
Second Chances
She opened her eyes, her mind blissfully blank.

She was sitting on a couch in what seemed to be a waiting room. She didn’t know how or why she was there, or what she was waiting for, if anything. She was about to get up and run for it when she noticed the opposite wall. Large green letters greeted her: Welcome! Everything is fine.

“Sunset Shimmer?” said a voice to her left. A greying, bespectacled man stood by the door. He was wearing a pink bow tie and a pleasant smile. “Come on in.”

Sunset followed him into an office that was painfully plain. Off-white walls, drab curtains, a few potted plants on the corners. She plopped down on the seat in front of a desk littered with paperwork, and she couldn’t shake the feeling that she’d been called into the principal’s office.

“I’m sure you have a lot of questions, Sunset. And I believe I have the answers.” The man took a seat on the opposite side of the desk, still smiling pleasantly. “You can call me Bob.”

She raised an eyebrow and scoffed. “Bob? Really?”

If possible, his smile grew even wider. “Yes. But please do not say my name in vain.”

“Okay, Bob or whatever. What is this place? What’s going on? And why am I here?”

Bob’s smile faltered, but only a little. He laid his elbows on the desk and interlaced his fingers under his chin. “You, Sunset Shimmer, are dead.”

“Oh.” She frowned. That explained why she couldn’t remember how she got there.

“And just as all things come to an end, death is merely the start of something new.” Bob spread his arms wide, as if inviting the world to a big warm hug. “Welcome to the afterlife!”

Sunset could only stare at him. “How... How did I die?”

“You don’t remember? It’s quite the exciting tale. Legendary, really. People would be talking about it for ages.”

“Whoa, seriously?” Sunset leaned forward, grinning. “Did I get into an epic showdown with a rival gang? Wiped out doing an epic motocross stunt? Crashed in a high stakes epic game of chicken? Or maybe I got so drunk I drowned in my own puke?”

“You got smooshed under a bus.”

Her face fell. “That’s... thrilling...”

“Yes, well, the really fascinating part is what happened just before that. Caused a lot of problems on our end, to be honest, but it also made you quite popular.”

That perked her up again. “Popular, huh?”

”You’re a bit of an outlier case, you see.” Bob waved a hand, and numerous charts and graphs appeared behind him. “Every action a person does in their life and the motivation behind each of those actions earns a corresponding number of positive or negative Points. A highly positive number means you get into The Good Place, and a highly negative number... well you get the idea.”

Sunset watched one of the line graphs progress up or down for every new action entered into the equation. The numbers constantly changed, never still for more than a split second. “Seems simple enough. But forget that. Tell me why I’m popular.”

“I’m getting there.” Bob waved his hand again. A new line appeared on the line graph Sunset was staring at. “Besides the Point Total, we also take into account recent patterns of behavior. For example, if you’ve perhaps decided to turn over a new leaf, or if you suddenly went on a hateful troll rampage online just before your death. Based on those patterns, we project how you would most probably live out your next few years if you hadn’t died when you did, to determine if the path you were on would ultimately alter your raw numbers. This Behavior Projection and the Point Total you’ve accumulated during your life would determine what will happen to your soul in this afterlife.”

“Yeah, yeah. Numbers and junk. I get it.” Sunset leaned forward again, excitedly slapping the desk. “C’mon and get to the good part already! Tell me what made me so special. Is it because I’m so good that everyone was shocked at how high my Point Total is?”

Bob nodded emphatically. “Actually, you were kinda terrible during your life.”

“You’re just saying that ‘cause you don’t know me!” Slamming her hands on the desk, Sunset jumped to her feet and scowled down at the still seated man.

Bob coolly eyed her display, his once pleasant smile curling into a smirk. “Oh, I know all about you, Sunset Shimmer. I know about that time you swiped Strawberry Sunrise’s credit card to buy all those dirty magazines under her name, to get her in trouble with her parents because she said you were a bad influence. I know that you pretended to be Coco Pommel’s friend throughout eighth and ninth grade so you could make her to do your homework for you. I know about every single time you kicked a stray cat to the curb, used a fake ID for cigarettes, and stole candy from a baby.”

“Hey, I was just saving babies from choking on Chewy Fruities! It’s not like they could appreciate its sweet orangey goodness anyhow.” Huffing, she crossed her arms over her chest. “And in my defense, cats should know better than getting within two feet of my awesome boots. They’re allergic to those hellions.”

“Sunset Shimmer. Throughout your life, you have been arrogant, self-absorbed, and believed the whole world should revolve around you. You have a knack for getting yourself and others into trouble, and you have made a lot of your peers miserable throughout your life. You are such a... teenager.”

“Yeah, yeah. Like I never heard that before.” Sunset sat back down, putting her arms behind her head and her feet up on the desk. She pushed off just enough so that her seat tilted on an angle balancing on its two rear legs. “So what now? Gonna throw me to Hell or whatever it’s called, for being a pest all my life?”

“Normally, yes.” Bob peered at her over his glasses, his smile finally dropping altogether. “But be that as it may, your actions were mostly petty than downright evil, and the circumstances of your death had surprisingly made up for a lot of your terribleness.”

“I thought you said a bus ran over me.”

“But you were not on our schedule of predicted deaths that day. None of our Behavior Projections could have anticipated that you would push five-year-old Crepuscular Flash out of harm’s way.”

“I what?” Sunset startled, her seat rocking back and forth before falling backwards. She crashed into a heap on the floor, clutching her head as memories flooded in: A kid who barely reached her waist. A ball bouncing across the road. A loud honk, followed by screeching tires. An excruciating pain all over her sticky body. And then everything went black.

When she opened her eyes again, Bob was standing over her, looking worried. “Are you alright?”

Sitting up, she spat out, “I just re-lived the moment I died for some kid. What do you think?”

“You say it like that’s a bad thing.”

“Whatever. I don’t even know why I would ever do something like that.”

“Neither do we.” Bob went back to his seat and waited for Sunset to do the same. He interlaced his fingers under his chin again, saying, “The fact of the matter is, we are not sure what to do with your soul.”

“I sacrifices my life to save a little kid, and it’s not like I was a monster the rest of the time. Shouldn’t I deserve to go to Heaven or The Good Place or something?”

“No. You don’t have enough Points for that, even with your sacrifice. But then, that same action earned you enough last minute Points that sending you to The Bad Place wouldn’t be right either.”

“Aha!” Sunset snapped her fingers and pointed at herself. “I belong in a Medium Place!”

“There is no Medium Place. It doesn’t work that way.”

“Well this system is stupid!”

Bob raised an eyebrow at her. “Anyway, the Higher-Ups have talked about your case earlier and decided to cut you a deal: You are to undergo a quest, a Trial that will last for an indeterminate amount of time. At the end of the Trial, we’ll reevaluate your Points and Projections to see if the results have been swayed enough towards one way or the other.”

“And if nothing’s changed?”

“You’ll default to The Bad Place, because no matter how great an example of goodness it was to give your life for another, it’s still merely one action against a lifetime of pettiness. Plus, that means you’ve wasted your one chance to turn the situation to your favor.” Bob stood up and snapped his fingers. “Your trial starts now. Good luck!”

“Wait, what? How am I supposed to do anything when I’m--”

Sunset felt like the ground disappeared from under her and she was free-falling. She flailed around and tried to scream, but just as suddenly, she collapsed on what seemed to be a tile floor.

“--already dead,” she finished lamely. “He didn’t even tell me what this trial thing is supposed to be.”

Sighing, she picked herself up and looked around: hallways lined with lockers and closed doors that led to various rooms. She was in a school lobby, its walls decorated with trophies and other awards. A large clock above the main entrance said it was a little past two in the afternoon.

Just then, the bell rang and students spilled into the halls. Sunset tried to dodge the incoming crowd, but soon realized that it was pointless. She was non-corporeal, so anyone bumping into her would simply pass through. Shrugging, she literally went through the crowd to approach one of the larger trophies. Its nameplate read: Interstate Soccer Competition, Canterlot High School Wondercolts, First Place.

Sunset frowned. “This isn’t my high school. Where the frack did that Bob-guy send me?”

She explored the campus and its surroundings, not even bothering with doors, instead opting to walk straight through the walls. She checked out the school library, the playing fields, and the gymnasium. She learned that the school was located in Canterlot City, and not her hometown of Manehattan. Further snooping around led her to seeing a school rock band’s music video, the one with girls sprouting wings. She decided that either the Canterlot kids had mad costume and video editing skills, or Bob had sent her into a weird alternate reality for a laugh. At this point, she wouldn’t put it past him.

“I feel like Dorothy got yanked out of Kansas and thrown straight into Wonderland,” Sunset muttered to herself. “Ugh, I need a break from all this craziness.”

She had learned to float sometime during her two hours of exploration, but only a few inches off ground. At the moment, she was lying on her back just above the grass near the horse statue. It seemed to be the perfect spot for cloud watching, not that it mattered since she was planning to take a nice long nap. She closed her eyes and relished the peaceful atmosphere.

“Hi there! You look kinda lost earlier, so I was wondering if you need some help? I could show you around the school if you want!” A chipper voice broke Sunset’s peace and quiet. Sunset scowled and tried to ignore the voice, but it just kept talking one-sidedly. “But I guess you already went around on your own, huh? Oooh, do you have a favorite place on campus? If not, I could help you find one! My favorite place is right here in front of the Wondercolts statue! Me and my friends meet there all the time because that’s where our other friend Twilight comes into this world from--”

“Ugh, will you shut up? I’m trying to sleep!” Sunset growled, springing to her feet. She had half a mind to wallop the interloper, despite knowing it would be a fruitless endeavor given her non-corporeal state. Instead, she gaped at what she saw.

The girl had wild, poofy hair reaching down her waist and a smile so wide it was almost manic. She bounced in place next to where Sunset was floating. Nothing seemed strange about the girl, except for the fact that she was staring directly at Sunset.

“No need to be such a meanie pants,” the girl said.

“You... You’re talking to me?” At the girl’s nod, Sunset’s jaw dropped even further. “You can see me?”

“Uh-huh! Why? Am I not supposed to see you?” The girl seemed to ponder that for a moment, before gasping loudly, “Ohmigosh! Are you the ghost who haunts the chemistry lab?”

“No. I don’t even know how I got to this school.”

“So you are lost! But don’t you worry, Detective Pinkie Pie is on the case!” The girl whipped out a deerstalker hat and a bubble pipe out of nowhere, donning both. “Now, what was the last thing you remember before coming here?”

Forget strange. This girl is downright ridiculous.’ Sunset opened her mouth for a scathing remark, but the words never left her lips. Another girl was coming up to them. She had a fiery mane of red and yellow, and wore a leather jacket over a sun print shirt. She crossed her arms over her chest and couldn’t decide if she wanted to scowl or smile at the bouncy girl Pinkie Pie.

Sunset thought it was like looking into a mirror.

She started laughing hysterically. “Ahahaha, no way! Is this my trial, Bob? My evil clone or a long lost twin or whatever is my ticket to Heaven? Ahahaha! This is impossible!”

“Uh, are you okay?” Pinkie Pie asked Sunset.

“Who are you talking to, Pinkie?” the other girl asked in Sunset’s voice. That put a stopper to Sunset’s hysterics as she gawked at her double.

“The ghost haunting the chemistry lab,” Pinkie Pie replied without missing a beat.

“This is officially getting too weird for me,” Sunset said.

The girl who looked like Sunset narrowed her eyes at Pinkie, but didn’t say anything besides, “...Okay?” She backed away from the scene to join the rush of students heading home.

“Sunset Shimmer, wait!” Pinkie Pie bounded after Sunset, the living one, but the dead Sunset wasn’t far behind. “Me and the girls are having a sleepover at my place tonight. If you wanna, you could join us in the fun?”

“I dunno...” Living Sunset looked away, her hand rubbing the back of her neck. “It’s probably too soon.”

“Is it because you’re still worried about how everyone thinks of you because of what happened in the Fall Formal?”

“Well, duh. It’s only been two days.”

“Yeah, but we’ve already forgiven you, silly! We’re friends now and the sleepover’s gonna be so much better with you there. And I’m sure the girls would love to get to know you better. I know I do!”

“I...” Living Sunset seemed unsure, but gave a small nod anyway. “I’ll think about it, okay?”

“Great! Feel free to drop by whenever. You know where to find me, right?” Pinkie Pie beamed at the two Sunsets, seemingly addressing the both of them.

“Yeah, I’ll see ya around, Pinkie,” Living Sunset said, before heading back to join the go-home crowd.

“Don’t be a stranger, Sunset Shimmer! Oh hey, that rhymes!” Pinkie waved her goodbye, with both arms over head. Once the living Sunset had turned at a corner, Pinkie squinted at the remaining Sunset. “You know, you and Sunset Shimmer look so much alike.”

Sunset rolled her eyes so hard, she floated out of balance and rolled in midair.

Pinkie Pie giggled. “Oooh, that’s so cool! Do it again! Do it again!”

“No,” Sunset said flatly.

Once she was right side up again, she drifted away from Pinkie, not even bothering to tell her that she was going to follow the other Sunset home.

It didn’t take long to find her double tromping down the street like she had the whole world on her shoulders. Sunset floated right in front of her, moving in time with her strides so that she was always about two feet ahead. She peered at the other Sunset’s face closely, studying the knit between her brows, the twitch in her eye, the tightness at the corner of her lips.

The other Sunset looked like she was in pain.

“Well that makes sense. Living life was such a pain, I’m sorta glad I’m dead,” Sunset said out loud before she could stop herself. The living Sunset didn’t even seem to notice she was there at all. “So that Pinkie girl can see and hear me but you can’t, can you? That’s weird. But then again, this whole thing is weird. I’m a ghost and you’re an awkward biker girl clone of me. How does that even work? We can’t both be Sunset Shimmer, and I’m not about to let anyone call me Shimmer. You can have that name.”

Sunset didn’t realize she’d stopped moving throughout her rant until her living doppelganger-- Shimmer-- walked right through her body. Unlike all the other times before, Sunset shuddered at the contact, and saw flashes of a winged, demonic version of herself getting blasted by a rainbow. It could’ve easily been another doppelganger, but somehow Sunset knew the demon and Shimmer were the same person.

“What the hell?” Sunset asked loudly. “What's up with that?”

Shimmer stopped walking. Sunset perked up, thinking her double had finally heard her. But Shimmer simply fished out a key from her pocket to open a door, still oblivious to her non-corporeal self.

Shimmer’s apartment was rundown and sparsely decorated. There was a bed, a couch, a coffee table, a fridge, and nothing much else. Sunset would’ve mistaken it for one of those transient room-for-rent spaces, if it weren’t for the school books scattered on the coffee table.

Sunset felt like a creep watching Shimmer go about the rest of her day, but curiosity got the better of her. She wanted to know what her earlier vision meant, what the demon had to do with anything. More importantly, she wanted to know more about her doppelganger.

Shimmer’s afternoon was mostly spent on studying thermodynamics while punk rock and classical music played on her phone. Afterwards, she prepared her dinner, comprised of vegetables with a side of more vegetables.

“I can’t believe how boring this other me is!” Sunset cried, pulling and tearing at her hair. “If you don’t have enough cash, you could just eat-and-run at the nearest steakhouse. That’s what I would do. But this is... You’re just so... Blah!”

Once done with dinner, Shimmer headed to the bed area and stripped down to her underwear. She rummaged through the drawers, cursed under her breath, then went about the apartment dressed like that. Sunset figured she either misplaced her change of clothes or forgot everything was in the laundry.

Sunset wasn’t surprised her double was smoking hot, and spent a moment admiring her double’s body-- the toned muscles, the soft curves, the dip of her spine on her lower back. She frowned when she glimpsed scar tissue on her double’s back, hidden under hair. She floated over for a closer look and saw two deep lines running along between her double’s shoulder blades. She was about to touch one of the scars, when her non-corporeal body seized up. The world twisted around and she felt like she was being sucked in through a straw. Everything exploded into a rainbow of colors and there was a deafening screech in her ears.

When Sunset came to, she could no longer see Shimmer. Someone was screaming and it chilled her to the bone.

It took a moment to realize the one screaming was herself.

She patted herself down, inspecting her body. But there was no mistaking it. Somehow she was in Shimmer’s underwear-clad and very much alive body.

She tried to scream some more but she was out of air and ended up coughing instead.

“Oh crap! Oh crap! I'm so sorry!” she cried between coughs. “I didn’t mean to possess you!”

“You better be! Where do you get off on taking somepony else’s body?”

“Somepony?” Sunset looked around for the voice that spoke, but she couldn’t find its source.

“Somebody! I meant-- You know what? Buck this. Yes, I’m a magical pony-turned-human. You’re in my body and I want you out.”

“You’re... Sunset Shimmer?”

“You don’t even know the name of the person you body-snatched?” the voice sounded exasperated. “That’s low.”

“Yes. I mean, no. I mean, I know you’re Sunset Shimmer because I’m Sunset Shimmer too.”

“...What?”

“My name is Sunset Shimmer. I’m human. And I’m dead.”

“Great. Just great. I got body-snatched by this world’s version of me.”

“Hey, I already said I didn’t mean to. And I’m not exactly thrilled to find out there’s another me running around either.”

“What are you even doing here? If you’re dead, shouldn’t you be, well, dead?”

“The afterlife committee had some trouble deciding where to put my soul, so they gave me a second chance.”

“Second chance to what? Come back to life with my body?”

“I said that was an accident!”

“Whatever. Just give my body back so I could get on with my life, while you go back to... wherever dead people go.”

“Even if I want to, I can’t! I don’t even know how I got into your body in the first place.”

“So you’re saying we’re stuck like this?”

“Yes!”

"Well that's just fan-fucking-tastic!"

They both fell silent, save for the heavy breaths leaving Sunset Shimmer’s mouth as she shivered from the cold.

“So... what now?” human Sunset asked.

The voice-- pony Sunset-- sighed. “I know I’m gonna regret saying this, but if we’re stuck like this... I guess we have no choice but work together.”

“That’s it then?”

“What more do you want from me?”

“Nothing, nothing. I’m just...” Sunset shrugged. “Thanks, I guess.”

“Whatever.” The voice huffed. “Now let’s get some clothes before my body catches a cold. We have a lot to talk about if we’re gonna do this right.”

“Right." Sunset nodded. "Alright, let’s do this.”
« Prev   18   Next »
#1 · 3
· · >>The Power Wolf >>writeratnight
It took me a second to realise the "Next" didn't mean "Next Chapter".

As a first chapter of a story, this is pretty good. You've got an interesting set up with Human World Shimmer and Bob. The idea of an unspecified trial to earn her pass to The Good Place is intriguing, and your characterisation is solid. On those aspects, I give you full marks.

As a standalone story, though, I can't say the same. All these questions are raised and then it ends before we get an inkling of what's really going on. Hell, we still don't know what the trial is supposed to be. Also, The Shimmers agree to work together a bit too easily to feel realistic.

If you do intend to turn this into a complete story, sign me up. Until then, I can't say this story stands on its own.
#2 · 1
· · >>writeratnight
>>Zaid Val'Roa
I don't have much to add because you already said most of my potential critiques. This story had some fantastic dialogue writing, but the whole sudden possession thing feels a bit of a Deus Ex Machina.

Well done as a whole, though! B+
#3 · 2
· · >>writeratnight
Genre: Chapter 1

Thoughts: One of my firmer criteria when ranking stories is to favor “complete” stories over incomplete ones. Part of that comes from having written incomplete Writeoff stories myself (sometimes even “teaser-trailers” during minific rounds) and seeing the divide between my excitement over the partial treatment of an idea, and how others feel when left unable to consider the full story. Either way though, as a reader, there’s something fundamentally dissatisfying about being left with piqued interest but no resolution. There’s certainly good writing advice about “start late/end early,” as well as “always leave the audience wanting more,” but telling enough of the story to leave the audience satisfied should be part of the deal.

This does well with the time and length that it has. I would’ve liked to see more background on Bob and his realm, though I can take that section on face value as a way to set the story up. Overall I ended up liking the characterization of the 2 Sunsets, and Pinkie, and even a bit of Bob. And that’s both the good and the frustrating thing for me as a reader: what’s here is good, but it makes me wonder what else it could grow into.

Tier: Keep Developing
#4 ·
· · >>writeratnight
This story bugged me while I was reading it, the whole premise reminded me so much of the first part of Yu-Yu-hakusho, simple without the likable protagonist.. I felt like it was just missing being a story I'd like, it just kept hitting little bumps that nudged me the wrong way.

I didn't like this version of Sunset in the slightest. Not that she was a character written to have an unlikable personality, she was more like that stupid coworker that you have to be around at work, but wouldn't give the time of day in passing. Just unpleasant andself-absorbed in the worst kind of way. I mean, you would think that Dying and being told that she had a chance not to go to hell be be a bit of a humbling experience, but no. She might as well be Lumpy Space Princess/Ponyhead for all the F's she gives. When you make a character in a story that you want to be the protagonist of the work, while also being unpleasant, try to give them some kind of redeeming trait, or at least don't make it painful to read them.

I found that any detail I was hoping would be expounded on, was instead ignored, skipped over or rushed so that the story could get to where it was going.

Sorry to be so abrupt, this story just sorta rubbed me the wrong way I guess. The writing itself was well done, and I don't think enough people write about Human Sunset. It's a good idea for a story, I just think it could be better executed.
#5 ·
· · >>writeratnight
Quick review because I need to finish my slate while organising the podcast and reading other entries.

I won't add much than the others. You have an engaging and solid chapter one but like many others, I tend to judge an entry on its ability to stand out on its own. Here, you start a lot of things but not so many are resolved. As a hook for a longer fic, it works quite well, but as a Writeoff entry, it unfortunately loses points because of that.
That's a shame because the rest is strong.
#6 ·
· · >>writeratnight
This is a great first chapter to a full story. It loses a little for not being complete, but not too much.

I really don't like Christian afterlife mythos, however. It's incredibly stale. You could have—neigh, should have—gone with something creative and different. As is, the 'rules' seem arbitrary and unfair, and this makes me care less about the outcome of Sunset's quest.
#7 · 4
· · >>CoffeeMinion
>>Zaid Val'Roa
>>The Power Wolf
>>CoffeeMinion
>>Lamplighter
>>Fenton
>>Trick_Question

Thank you very much for all the feedback and constructive criticism. I'll consider them carefully as I develop this story further, and in any future stories I may work on. This is my first writeoff and it has been quite the learning experience.

To be honest, when I started developing the idea I had for the prompt, I'd totally underestimated how long the story was going to be. When the deadline neared, I rushed an ending just to submit something on time. I don't regret it, but I wasn't very happy with it either. Hopefully I'll do better the next time I participate.

Again, thanks very much for taking the time to read and review my story. :)
#8 · 1
·
>>writeratnight
Being able to gauge the length of a story idea up-front is definitely a skill that takes development like any other!

For what it's worth, I'm currently dealing with a story that I started as a fun little lark that's mushroomed into a 100K-word monstrosity...