Until the "Why?" I felt this was a really tense and interesting scene. I mean, good obedient citizen #4284383 being confronted with the big bad ghost? How cool is that? And even though he knows he should run and call the government, there's a person in front of him. He can't help but wonder why any person would choose to be so evil, so he asks: "Why?"

And the huge, intimidating ghost puts on a smile and pulls out his flip chart. "Boy am I glad you asked."
At least that's what it felt like to me.

Winner, winner, chicken dinner sandwich!

An excellent read, and one that improves with each return. As has already been said, I think the (necessary) withholding of information trips up some of the prose, and for me the last two lines aren't as effective as I was perhaps hoping for, but they are minor quibbles. A few typos too, but this has just made the top of my list, and I have a sneaking suspicion it might be staying there.

Thanks for sharing your work.

Oh sorry, didn't mean to interrupt. I'm just going to step back out the door and leave you to... well, whatever it is that you're doing.



Okay, so it was pretty amusing overall, and the ending made me laugh, but yeah... basically, what >>bloons3 said.

Thanks for sharing!

Ahhh:

"The Cold Sandwich Equations," is it? Though Reubens are usually served warm, I believe...

Mike

This was a fun, well-written interaction between a genie (?) and someone too genre savvy for their own good. It's mostly dialogue, which can be risky; in this case it mostly works, though it's a bit jarring for the lack of scene-setting at the beginning. The punch of regret at the end was effective.

I dunno, this would be top shelf but for the minimally-interrupted talking heads vibe.

Tier: Solid

I'll agree with >>ZaidValRoa:

There are more than a few run-on sentences, some verb tense mix-ups, and that sort of thing, but I'd guess the word limit's mostly the problem here. Maybe Our Narrator's a rebellious teenager who's been warned all his/her life not to mix food with magic. Maybe this experiment causes all the food to glom together into some sort of Lovecraftian food monster that Our Narrator then hasta defeat. Something more, at any rate.

Mike

>>Not_A_Hat
No, that's a lie!

</badjokes>

>>horizon

Well, I've now got two stories in [...] and I'm contemplating a third with my remaining couple of hours.

I eat sandwiches like that.

That canned laughter got awfully distracting.

Oh wait, that was me.

Top stuff. Thanks for sharing.

I'm not sure what to say about this one. It didn't feel like a story, but as the very beginning of one. There wasn't anything really there, just... the first steps of a meeting, and it feels like the real essence of the story takes place right after.

I gotta agree with everything the others said. This put a smile on my face as I read.

>>billymorph
That's... comprehensive, and you have my gratitude in explaining it. I'll... uh, have my homework reading ready to report on next week. Honest.

Also, that website is pretty fantastic. Especially for someone like me with a poor grasp of those particular realms of science. Thanks for the flag.

I'm not sure about the hodgepodge of references in this story, Writer. I caught allusions to the Simpsons, Family Guy, XCOM, Overwatch, Captain Harlock... You're all over the place with the material you're pulling from, and I soured on the story because of it. I'd suggest picking one universe to pull from so that the story feels more grounded.

That said, I think it's cute that you've got a duo of hapless thieves tooling about the galaxy for the ingredients for a PB&J, and the mentor figure dying (at least, I think he's dying) adds a nice touch to the passing on of knowledge to a younger generation. There's some subtlety to be found between the hamfisted references, which I appreciated.

While I'm ordinarily not a fan of second person, this didn't grate on my nerves as much as it usually does, so well done for that.

Wow. That just happened. I can relate with this story in several ways. One being in service of others can really bring out the negativity in a person. Especially when it is marinated in constant service of a people looking to take advantage of your hospitality. Two when your effort and time goes to waste because of the position you’re brought into. I feel for the young man, but this could have gone on much longer to make an interesting story about a very unlikely relationship between the counter clerk and the older gentleman, who in fact just got a free eclair.

NEGATIVES
Length-I’m really just putting this here because this story was built very well. I could follow along with it well enough and took in the meaning of the scene with great enough descriptions that it flowed so easily in and out of mind. Now length is only a problem in terms that this ended so quickly. It was heart-warming and very funny when the conning elderly man twists the story around for his own benefit. Not that it’s funny to watch a person get abused, but because it granted the conflict and twist really needed to make this pop out. I only wish there was more to be read. Such as if the old man tries to pull this number again or if the young clerk ever got fired.

Description-One thing that bothered me was lacking of descriptions. Some of the dialogue is cut to make way for other things. There also could have been a bit more interaction between the characters. Such as the old man not just staring but more of “tapping his toe” or huffing out in impatience. Maybe a little of fidgeting from the clerk to make this more authentic. All in all the dialogue covers most of this by explaining what is going on while hinting at the smaller actions taking place, that are assumed to be obvious. Just typical nature of a person to be waiting in line or when trying to ignore someone. This is excused by the low word limit and the very strange prompt given to us.

POSITIVES
Dialogue-Whew! The conversations was quite a ride! I could read about these two talking all day and never once losing an ounce of attention on them. In fact I wanted to see more material about these two interacting with one another. Or in fact what they might say to their family and friends about one another behind their backs. You even held the story twist in the dialogue itself. Granting a more subtle climax moment rather than a typical struggle between two elements. Using a lie to turn the tables, was a simple and brilliant way to surprise everyone. Using the old man’s senile nature to show that he was nothing more than a man conning a poor boy in a store for a free donut.

Topic-You really hit the nail on this one. No complaints on trying to sprinkle some sugar on the prompt or overly ice the top with thick fluff. You did the prompt. You wrote the prompt! You really did it! You didn’t take another idea and somehow throw some deli meat and some bread into the mix. You took the natural idea of the “Desire of a Sandwich” and made it into a story. My hat’s off to you, sir for a job well done. You played the card of a senile old man in the wrong place and turned it into a very well written piece that never even presented a sandwich during the whole story! Very well done. My only peeve is that I didn’t think the clerk played his part well. He surrendered too easily when he could have offered up something else. Even given out samples to appease his customer. Most pastries shops even hold buns filled with meat and other filling delicacies that could have sate this poor man’s hunger. It was never stated that this man was so stubbornly set on just having his sandwich. Which is implied and what I’ll continue to believe in.

This was a real fun one to read. Nothing overly dramatic or complex. Nothing that had a hidden meaning. Just the basic concept of a shortfic being what it is and presenting itself in a simple humble manner. It stayed on point without straying from the prompt and gave way to more content while also ending on a good note without leaving much of a cliffhanger. Now while majority of the story was great I found the title to be a bit strange. I understand it is noting the simple plot twist without revealing it, but it could have actually fit the story better. My ideas for a title for this would have been “Sour Dough” or “Bittersweet Sentiments” . Something like that. The title for it right now seems to be a mouth full and I can hardly remember or make out the real title exactly word for word. Right now this story was so well done it’ll stick to my brain for a while, just not it’s title.

Okay. I don’t think I should butter this at all, but I can’t help it. Alright! It was a read. Did I enjoy it? Was it entertaining for me? Did it even pique my interest. Certain parts yes. As a whole not really. I’m not really sure I actually understood what I read or even can at this point. I even love Sci-fi genres, but can’t really make a lick of sense if this is a comedy or just a strange dimensional shifting story.

POSITIVES
Description-Your piece focused more along the lines of what your character here was experiencing and for that I applaud you. Too many stories run pass my eyes that don’t give a definitive image for me to create a life in my head. Which in my opinion is the most immersive a reader can be. Thank you for bringing me into this world and thank you for allowing me to see what was in your head while you wrote. This effort can deepen the bond between reader and writer and is my biggest pet peeve out of any read. Now, the only problem here is that everything was so complex there is literally unlimited ways to interpret the background and current environment your character was in. Things also shifts so suddenly with how much time has passed that I found myself drifting off like one of followers that had found our traveling hero. The good point here is that you placed effort, and this will continue to make you improve beyond your own limits. So keep pushing it.

Premise-A godly traveler seeking out vengeance amongst beings that live outside of our very existence and scientific understanding? A man who is practically lost but knows where he is going with unlimited time on his hands to reach his destination? Not only that, he had a treasured item in which he is risking life, limb, and sanity for just for the comfort of having it back in his possession? Okay you had me hooked from the get go. You had a basic outline that should have done good. The intro was interesting and made way for explaining what exactly was going on within giving away the story. Which is what more rift series do. Giving readers the desire to continue with the read to find out what exactly with happen to this strange man. Now this was all hashed out fine and dandy. I just didn’t think the sandwich worked. And this script was just so epic to begin with that I think the comedy part broke it. You were weaving something really good here but based on what we’re given as far as the prompt and word limit I can see why it was difficult making this work.

NEGATIVES
Topic-You really got off topic here. I was wondering when the sandwich would come out, Only to find myself predicting that eventually it would pop out at a very inappropriate time. I can see why you wanted to make it a conflict but at it’s best it just turned your high point of the story into a disappointment for me. There could have been an epic conclusion and an excellent or smart way of trapping the infinite creature, but it was literally just to have a small talk and grab a sandwich that had been sitting out for eons passed its expiration date. You could have incorporated more luncheon items to make this funny and keep it as you intend it to be, which is a comedy. You could have mentioned a sacred sword (which is secretly a butterknife) and this man was searching for some godly essence (Which could have been butter to butter his toast.) Then after reaching the end of the multi-verse he would need to walk all the way to the other side of the multi-verse just to get the bread, meat, or some other condiment/addition to the sandwich. It could have been something really fun here.

Conflict-There was absolutely challenging for our hero in this story. Other than having patience and a hungry that last for universes at a time. There is no conflict or struggle to look forward to. Reaching the pinnacle of his journey and three sentences end up ending any hope of a sort of bad side to the story. The lack of emotion and drive just made this feel bland. There was no connection in trying to keep me locked on with why this man was even taking his journey in the first place. Why was it so important to deal with “they” who took his item? Right at the point of the confrontation the ball is dropped to where it was just a mistake that turned into a bigger mistake. I just hope you see where you lost me and why I’m only asking questions now? I just don’t understand, and that could be my fault. I may not be the right audience for you. And this is only my opinion.

So another review down. This one wasn’t half bad. Once again I wish this was a no limits event so I could see what this author can muster without incorporating sandwiches and comedy. In fact I can see this easily becoming an original sci-fi series for this author if it’s gets more work. It was kinda fun following along a god-like being that just had a shroud of mystery to him. I actually expected a little bit of a backstory to him, to really make him shine like a true hero. I wanted so badly to know his purpose. And I wish it just wasn’t this nasty thing of bread and roots to be it.

I have a:

Rather fraught relationship with free verse. I mean, when horizon held his whole big free verse contest last year, I couldn't do it: I ended up putting together a whole bunch of chain linked fourteeners instead. In fact, I've only ever managed to write one piece of free verse because I needed something from Maud Pie in my Ponyville poetry collection, and it was one of the hardest things I've ever tried to write.

Still, my comments all focus around one thing: bring out the setting more. Ground the piece more firmly in the physical world for one thing. I like the sounds, the creaks and the snaps and all, but what does it smell like outside the gates? What color is the sky? Are there mountains along the horizon or a ruined city or something like that? But also, give us more about what the situation is. Why can't they set up phone lines, for instance? Does the Cloud dissolve them the way it does couriers? Is this post-collapse civilization doing so well that it can afford to lose people to the Cloud whenever a message needs to be sent? Why doesn't Our Narrator stay in Spencer's settlement till a message needs to come back? Are these messages really that important? Oh, and the ending confused me: I thought Our Narrator had delivered his messages to Spencer, but there they are, we're told, discarded upon the ground.

Maybe I'm too literal minded for poetry... :)

Mike

Echoing Orbiting_kettle, The intro was definitely a high point. Lots of funny and character, ex: "her peanut butter and breathing." I am left wondering at this fire he's supposed to handle, though; does he just leave it hanging?

The middle bit would probably have benefited from being expanded; word count, I know. Just sayin'

Johnson is set up as being quite significant: 'his one failure,' but given what the problem ends up being, I'm surprised it hasn't happened before. It also seems kind of straightforward. While the ending is funny, it's not gut busting. Unfortunately, I'm not really sure what would need to be tweaked.

Some amusing phrasing, and this "ad" (or pieces of it) would fit well in a larger work, as it reminds me of the cheeky sarcasm in the Hitchhiker's Guide. My problem here is that this isn't a story/narrative in itself, and I also see no connection to the prompt.

Interesting hook here to be sure. That one man single-handedly destroyed the entire country though, that seems a pretty big thing to just ask the reader to accept. I agree with tPg as well, the explanation is a bit of a prepared political diatribe. There's basically two big things we're being asked to believe in a very short word count, and I think it flops a bit because of that. Would probably work a lot better in a longer form.

Hmm, an interesting attempt at folding the prompt into a romantic "pick up" story, but... why would she do it in the middle of the night when she wakes him up? She said she's seen him around, so there are at least some times where she's awake/home at the same time he is, so why not do this then? I think the story also tries too hard to leave us "guessing" at what will happen. The door-closed-in-face thing (when really he's just undoing the chain) is a rather old trope, and it feels tedious to have her panic there. Lastly, is it Franz or Frank? He's called both at points.

Negatives said, I think this one would do better with more length. We need to understand Alice a little better before we see her in this situation. She's doing something extremely out of character for her it seems, yet we have no basis for her character to start with. So you've made it extra difficult on yourself to show us who she is. It's a bit like introducing a famous musician with a scene where they're throwing out the opening pitch at a baseball game. An interesting/key point in their career, sure, but not the best example of it.

Really well written comedic scenes to start with, but the ending ruined it for me. We all knew escalation was happening, but as this is (or was) a comedy, the finale needed to be something hilarious. Instead, it just goes for over-the-topic tragic. It also cuts from the pattern of close, 3rd person, and zooms out to a news-like report. The zoom-out ending works better in a visual medium I think. The classic cut to a city-wide view and a lone voice screaming in the distance, or a small mushroom cloud going up on the horizon. Written, it's harder to pull off.

The pattern breaking is the bigger problem I think. Comedy relies on patterns, and this could've been a great example of subverting the expectation at the ending. You've set up the "go for new option, find each cook has poor sanitation practices" pattern. For the best comedy, the last element in the pattern would then be the same thing, but with a twist. For example, I honestly thought Russel would end up trying to make a sandwich on his own, then somehow sneeze or otherwise "contaminate" it himself. But then he'd eat it anyway, like it was no big deal, leaving his roommate to then be the one to freak out. Maybe ending on a line like "What? Everyone else is does it." or "At least I know where _my_ snot has been."

Lastly... the Trump thing. Completely unnecessary insertion of politics into something it has nothing to do with. As much as I despise Trump myself, dropping authorial opinions into a story like that really bothers me, probably more than it should.

Clever and a bit of a feat to do an entire poem here. But... I fear that while there were a few genuinely clever lines ("...It's a guy! That's insane!"), the majority of it felt like filler. I also wondered the whole time when a sandwich would be involved. As it was only for a single line at the end, I can't shake the suspicion this was something the author may have already had prepared, and simply substituted the word "sandwich" for whatever word or food was there before ("a water", or maybe "just the check is fine") Perhaps I'm wrong on that count, but if so, then I would expect something more sandwich focused. If I can swap out one word and remove all connection to the prompt, then it feels like it doesn't qualify as on prompt to me in any case.

Still, props for the effort to make a poem like this.

Agreeing with the previous comments here. We don't see any evidence of what changed in this characters life, other than degradation by sloth I guess. That he would curl up on the floor and cry until a manager said something seems weird. Usually people don't do that at work, but at home. Now it's not clear where this is, or what stories from Mississippi have to do with his happiness or lack thereof. It feels like there should be some connections (is he originally from there? Is he remembering family life before something tragic?) but we're not given it. As such... yeah, nihilism. Well written nihilism, but... meh.

I'm assuming this is an apartment building, but the description was sparse. A few grammar glitches, but nothing too egregious for a writeoff.

The dialog and body language worked fairly well, but I did get mixed signals sometimes. His jaw clenched? The ending had a fun little twist, but as others have noted, nothing really earth shaking.

Overall, it was a pleasant read.

I guess this didn't really work for me. It was just a loquacious and nihilistic description of a minimum wage job. I mean, it's clever enough in the fantastical lens it casts on the "horror" of such a job, but stories need to entertain or at least make me think. This didn't really do either. The skill in the writing seems at odds to the simplicity of the message. "Fast food work sucks." But we all knew that already. If the fact that this was a fast food job was a twist or some reveal, then, maybe it'd work, but I fear the earlier descriptions would have to be even more abstract for that to work.

>>Not_A_Hat makes good points here. The little details of what is or is not in the fridge vs. what he wants (and why that'd be at a gas station) need to be sorted out just for the sake of consistency. Honestly, I'd drop the fridge entirely, and have Aiden explain they'll have some fancy dinner later that evening or something. Give him a stronger motivation for just wanting something simple.

Overall though, I quite enjoyed this one. I think there's a really strong message in the way power can become its own prison in ways. The character interactions reminded me a lot (in a good way) of the movie "The American President" which shows a president who is trapped in many ways by the appearance he has to project to the public, and can't do even the most simple of things without it being a potential problem/incident.

Yeah, this is a little over the top on the abuse, but... I think that's justification for the step she's about to take. I think this might possibly work better in first person though, from Cindy's own voice. That would justify the focus being wherever it was because that's what the character (imperfect narrator) was thinking about.

I do have to say I knew from like line three that she was going to kill her husband. Of course, as she was making a sandwich, I really, really thought it'd be poison, as the irony is more fitting. The close-focus on each of the ingredients made me think this as well, as I expected something like rat poison to be mentioned just as casually as the mustard. Having her use a gun instead makes me want more explanation for why it was important to her to get the sandwich just right.

Overall, a decently crafted bit of revenge-porn (as in, we, the audience are supposed to take a puerile joy in her revenge.) The bit about how he "never, ever touched Timmy... (until now)" was brilliant touch I really enjoyed and made me root for a violent death. But with how cliche the subject matter itself is, I think it could use a little tweaking to be less anvilicious.

The effort I put into commentary is proportional to the effort I feel the author put into the story, and I've already exceeded that budget with this very explanation.

This is a very interesting hook, and made me want to read the story that it goes to. Unfortunately, as is, it's just the hook. There's a lot of curious and intriguing things I want to know more about, but learn none of them. Definitely feels unfinished in this form. Points for the Irish/Gaelic references, including (I imagine) Rowan being "little red one." I hope in whatever larger story this belongs to, that name is important.

Do we still not have a spoiler tag button? Alas, then I'll be open about my hunch that this is Oroboro's doing.

I'll echo the thoughts of others that this raises big questions about how this world works, what its culture looks like, etc. I don't think the ending gives us quite enough information to fill in enough blanks to get us to a true suspension of disbelief that all of this should be making sense.

Nevertheless, the picture painted by the story is quite vivid, and it manages to be emotionally evocative.

Tier: Almost There (but could be revised upward)

Definitely required a second read to understand some things. On the first time through, a lot of the things like "I omitted the here" make zero sense, as we've not been told where we are at all. As she's expecting a sandwich, it seems almost certain its a restaurant of some kind. Having that unclear until near the end makes my brain's "movie" of most of the story completely invalid until a second reading. There's also some confusion with the pronoun "he." As we see the narrator chuckle thinking of what "he would might have said to lighten the mood' and then Jaime shows up and she thinks "There was a part of me that was happy to see him," using the pronoun before we're given a name, and so it absolutely feels like this is the same "he."

I appreciate stories that are worth a re-read, but I also feel all stories should make sense on the first read, and not REQUIRE a second reading to understand at all.

That said, the confusion is really my only complaint on this story. It's otherwise a great use of the prompt and has some well written emotions in it.

I liked the lighthearted take on a "simple" task, especially with the off-camera hints as stuff went wrong. Nails in the dutch oven, microwave on fire, etc. The bit about a tablespoon of each beer (rather than a bottle of one) and "I'll take care of the extra" definitely shows this to be an expert cook. :-)

It is a bit fragmented though. I know a lot of that is intentional, but my hope for stories of this style are always that the little parts will come together into some larger whole by the end. I wanted to see the PB&J somehow solve a bigger problem. Without some coherent finish, it was still a fun romp, but isn't enough to make it into my top contenders.

The "try to go to prison to get food and shelter" thing happens in quite a few stories. That he goes for murder here straight up, instead of just some shoplifting or more minor crimes is odd. We need to see his hate for Steve more clearly, and to do that, Steve needs to be there sooner. Introduction to murder in like three lines is too fast I think. The desperation builds nicely throughout most of the story though, which is good pacing until the very end.

I was a bit confused by the setting though. The comment about the grocery store being one of the few that "survived" implies a dystopia of some form (I'm guessing "Brexit" here), yet if Escape from New York taught us anything, prisoners are the first to get screwed in a dystopia, not the ones last to starve. Honestly, the story works just fine without any hints of dystopia.

Overall, not too shabby!

Back to my slate tonight for round 2!

Now that's how to set a hook. Nice historical nod in your prompt interpretation, too, though the civil rights angle gets somewhat overshadowed by the Cold War angle here.

There are some great lines here, too (like Franklin's bit about America). Which, I think, makes it a shame that Billy doesn't get any. The story seems like it's trying very hard to humanize both its characters, to each other and to us, but as others have already suggested, Billy ended up feeling sort of cardboard-cutout racist. I mean, yes, he has that moment when he suggests Franklin should leave and try to survive, but the contrast in motives we see is pretty stark: Franklin is talking about holding America to its ideals while Billy just tries to blame everything on Franklin. That's remarkably flat and shallow given the stuff in spoilertext, and especially his charity with the whiskey. Maybe that's there to illustrate an inner conflict (or a change of heart), but it's very hard to pin down any emotional resonance from this distance. I think, as >>Not_A_Hat said, this would benefit a lot from getting inside the character's heads (or at least Billy's).

Don't get me wrong, author: I already like this. It's very atmospheric and evocative. But in the character department it's not at its full potential yet.

Tier: Solid

Well, you win "least googleable title" for sure. :-) Almost as bad as that band named "The The" (though still less egotistical than the band who named themselves "The Band".) I joke, but it's actually an issue for the story. As soon as I saw it was a texting-format story, the title gave away the ending. As such, we knew there'd be no resolution, and we (the readers) would be left hanging mid-conversation.

The second issue I have is just that... we're left hanging without a resolution. Before that, we're given some very strong emotions, and realistic views of a relationship falling apart. It's shown well, especially considering the format, but that's the problem. It's exactly what we expect it to look like. There's nothing to take away from the story... no "lesson learned," no new perspective on things. I have to ask "What's the message?" and find I can't give an answer beyond "don't cheat on your SO", which is already kind of known wisdom.

Lastly... sandwich? If it wasn't for the prompt, the way he states that as the thing he wants from the house would seem ridiculous, and as such, needs to be explained. But it's not really, so it feels forced in.

tl;dr Good use of a format I (typically) dislike, but needs a resolution.

In addition to all the stuff Horizon said, I'd also add that the "Home for the holidays" thing is an odd thing to end on if it's not foreshadowed earlier in the story. Have her be thinking about going to visit or something at least.

Secondly... the narrator has no self-description at all. That she was female only entered my thought at the last line where she uses the name Jenny. Is she not Simmic? Also, we're told acaedmy of junior gods, not goddesses, so that (in addition to my standard western biases) lead me to think the narrator was male too. On top of that, we're shown her thinking really gritty, swear-filled things of violence that feel like a hard-boiled killer, like Snake Pliskin. Having her be a young(?) girl at the end, calling home about missing the holidays, seems very out of place.

Overall, a lot of stuff here to hook my interest, but I need the whole story, not just this odd glimpse.

Ironic I should talk about another story's Lovecraftian prose blowing out my purple-o-meter (cf. >>horizon) when this one appears to be literally inspired by Lovecraft. >>ZaidValRoa's Necronomicon name-drop is not unfounded, and the title appears to be a direct reference.

I'm honestly not sure I can talk about this without directly comparing and contrasting with Just Another Shift, because both hit my same prose pet peeve and (more importantly) because both are telling the same joke: a long, deliberate purple-prose wind-up into a subversion of expectations.

Here, though, I don't think the style imitation was as engaging, because there are a number of times when it engaged in vague hand-waving rather than doubling down on details:

The effect on the rest of my senses I have not the words to describe. I can say only that it was detrimental.

And some descriptions feel awfully anticlimactic:

Its very existence battered at what remained of my sanity. ... Its form was horrible: a horrific conglomerate of every conceivable evil arranged haphazardly into a bestial mockery of reality.... The mere observation of the thing threatened gastrointestinal distress.

With occasional word salad:

futile in its attempts to rationalize its continuation

On the other tentacle, I think this does hit the Lovecraftian patter a little more on the nose with the various narrator lamentations, whereas JAS confines the purple to its descriptions. And this does take some care to align its descriptions with the actual situation as revealed, which is a nice touch.

Spoilers for both Call Of The Kitchen and Just Another Shift:
As to the punchlines, JAS feels like a punchier execution to me: it confines its reveal to two paragraphs rather than four, despite being 1.5x the length. And I found JAS's core joke funnier — that all of the bombast used to evoke hellish torment literally was describing Hell, justifying it in hindsight. COTK was an equal reversal of expectations, but the subversion that this is merely a scenery-chewing reaction to a normal sandwich turns all the language into a head-fake, making it windup-windup-windup-anticlimax rather than windup-windup-windup-recontextualization.

It's always hard to know how to fairly score a story that uses a literary device I don't like. On one hand, the scoring should reflect my actual reaction as a reader to the story; on the other, my tastes will not always perfectly align to "is this a good story", and I believe the Writeoff should reward good stories. So what I try to do is look around the edges of the things I don't like and evaluate what's going on with the rest of the story. Here, this felt like a miss, and I hope I've explained some ways which it feels like it falls actually short, because "too purple for me" is unhelpful feedback for what you're trying to do here but the other things I've pointed out might offer you opportunities for editing. And even if I didn't like it, as >>Ceffyl_Dwr says, thank you for sharing.

Tier: Misaimed

>>Xepher
I'm going to have to disagree that this is a zero-effort story. I can't read the author's mind (unless I wrote it), of course, but at the very least I'm picking up what looks like a string of references to either famous fanfics (Dashie) or famous storytelling tropes. While you see it as lazy storytelling, it also might be intended as callout satire, going over the top in a similar way to the Lovecraftian-prose stories I just reviewed.

Oh hey I hit 400 words.

On the other hand. :\

I can see how that was intended as a joke, but fourth-wall breaks are risky humor, and in this context you're definitely gonna lose readers by saying that even you don't respect your material.

I think you're trying here, author. I really do. That doesn't stop me from feeling like this is a swing and a miss, but the Writeoff is a good place for experiments like the narrative device you use here, and even if this one failed I think you've got better stories in you.

Tier: Needs Work

Man, my slate is being almost creepy about pairing stories up that feel very similar in intent or execution. ... Or maybe the entire round's going to be like that, with the prompt so limiting. :\

Either way, this felt at first blush a lot like (the story) Look, I Just Want My Sandwich, with its abstracted narration ... though the similarities actually end there. This really doubles down on its emotional distance, almost like we're reading an alien archaeologist trying to describe a DVD dug up in an expedition on a ruined Earth. It's a disorienting effect, but it does add some real interest to what otherwise would be a pedestrian plot. The overall effect shades way closer to creepy than funny, which feels very deliberate, so this gets some points on execution.

I'm ultimately not sure how to feel about this, though. That creepiness just sort of builds and lingers, but the actual story it frames tries to play itself straight, with the actors screwing up and recovering and ad-libbing, and that bit of humanization really feels at odds with the deliberate distance you're trying to set. Then there's the odd interjections about things like post-production which imply a familarity/intimacy with the process of the production, which again cuts against that distance.

About the only solid thing I took away from this was that it seems to be going for "hamming it up" as its prompt interpretation, since the actors certainly and consistently are. I've never heard of ham sandwiches specifically in an acting context, though, and even if I had that would feel like a stretch. Author, I hope you explain after anonymity ends how you got to this from the prompt, because this is one of those rare stories that I'm having trouble squaring with it.

Anyway, I think this is trying to do a few too many contradictory things at once. The first editing goal should be to figure out which of the multiple stories you've got here you most want to tell, and then align everything else behind that.

Tier: Needs Work

Every street is awash
In a flood of ganache,
And the custard is standing in pools.

This was the specific line that elevated this little tale-in-limericks from high on my slate to my top-so-far spot.

This is a silly format for a silly story, but the text is cleverly constructed, the meter feels comfortable, and the rhymes (while initially a bit pedestrian) deepen as the piece goes on and the author warms up. The story is surprisingly coherent, and by the time we hit the prompt drop at the end, I no longer can work up any umbrage over it, because I was just so thoroughly charmed by the rest. Thank you for this.

Horizon leaned back, judgment rendered,
And poured out a drink from his blender.
Then, deciding to find
Some response back in kind:
"Tier, colon," he said, "Top Contender."

This is currently atop my slate. I like the symbolism and the shambolic picture where people reverse to their animal counterparts. This reminds me of some Enki Bilal's strips, especially in Froid Équateur. I wish you'd gone further and regressed the decor and the dialogues too.

The plot itself is meagre, but it's all about being atmospheric, and I think this fic succeeded perfectly within that scope. At least in my POV.

Yeah, Hell might be an endless repetition of clichés spoken out by beastly demons. As Garfield once stated: I hate Mondays.

Admittedly, I was taken aback by the plot, since I expected it to be about coffee or something of the same ilk.

Interesting take on the prompt, though I get this is hinting at the last Ghostbusters instalment I didn't watch — and don't have any intention to. The story leaves some open questions, though. I'm not sure I understood what they were looking for: the leftovers of the sandwich? Was it supposed to be poisoned? Otherwise, if the driver died of a heart attack, what unfinished business are both protagonists alluding to? Let's sum this up saying it reads more like a scene than a (very) short story.

But the introduction of the ghost rat and the ghost sandwich, as well as the mixed team was fun, and that, combined with a great execution, boosted up this fic right above my slate. Well done.

Ouch.

I tip my helm to you, Author. A lot of this felt very real, and that's no easy feat with a word limit this restrictive. Top work there. I commented on another fic (Housewife) how the depictions of abuse felt like a checklist, and became melodramatic as a result. For a while I was feeling that this might go the same way, but there's a deftness and variety in these moments of a family unit that isn't quite dysfunctional (though I dislike using that word in this context), but not quite complete, that manages to avoid the same pitfalls.

I think the use of the prompt is fine. Granted, it's noticeable in its absence for (most of) the rest of the fic, purely because it's so relevant to that opening scene, but I didn't take particular issue with that.

The ending paragraph was decent, but I'm not sure it wholly worked for me in the context of the wider piece. The reference to forgetting, the willingness to allow that occasional unity to convince them that they're decent people is potent, but felt like it railed too much against the detailed reflections early on. I do get that we struggle to kept that veil on outside of those moments of togetherness, but maybe a reference to how they almost know that's the case would have given a more powerful conclusion to the story. As it is, it packs a punch, but it doesn't feel as satisfyingly connected as perhaps it could be. I accept that might just be my own preference though, rather than a valid flaw with your story. Other feedback will decide that, I imagine.

I'm also not sure if I'm just interpreting things that aren't there/intended, but I liked how one could read the piece backwards, particularly from the corpuscular paragraph. As a chronology, it still made sense.

Anyway, I enjoyed this. Thanks very much for sharing.

Shouldn't have read the other comments before commenting myself. Thanks to >>ZaidValRoa, I now just have an image of a small koala with a big imagination. "What? These aren't eucalyptus leaves, they're humans, and I'm a huge, terrifying monster. Rawr!"

This was an interesting read, but not one that I personally found rewarding come the conclusion. I think my take on it was similar to that of >>Not_A_Hat (I wonder if that's how Godzilla keeps his atomic breath at full strength), but there were a few instances (like its depiction of itself as 'drunk', and swooning) that kind of threw me from completely embracing that viewpoint.

Intriguing though, definitely intriguing. I'd be interested in hearing your reveal on this, Author, should you later choose to provide one. Thanks very much for sharing.

I'm going to echo the comments regarding formatting and the defined voice of the narrator. There's a strong scene here, but I didn't personally feel much was made of it, because I just couldn't get a sense of any kind of motivation or satisfying resolution. There are a lot of potential motivations invoked by the set-up, but if they existed then they were too hidden in the narrative for me to connect with.

Something of a miss for me, I'm afraid, but thanks very much for sharing your work.

I guess I recognise Horizon’s hand here.

Interesting plot and take on the prompt. The pacing is great, at least until the final section where the two guys discuss the ‘merits’ — or rather lack of – of homeopathy. I suppose your goal wasn't to relaunch a flame war about the effectiveness of homeopathy, but the way the last section is thrown in almost makes me think it was an aside of your plot.

The setup was rather intriguing: a society whose business is to dispatch escrow funds in tax heavens countries and a sort of SJW as the personal assistant to the boss. Did the Panama papers stroke you that much? Is that a self-insert fic?

Quite high on my slate because of the execution, fast pacing and vocabulary, but could've been higher without the final rambling that comes somewhat out of left field.

This is definitely a good piece, featuring fine execution and pacing, but it leaves some questions unanswered. First of all, is the protagonist suffering of some sort of (mental) illness? Or is he simply too young to fully understand what's going on? The story hints at the former but doesn't rule out the latter either. So maybe both.

To be honest, without the explicit allusion to 'mom', I'd have thought the story was told from the PoV of a dog or similar pet.

In all, the forte of this story is unquestionably the descriptions and the vocabulary use. The foible would be the end, that felt disjointed to me. We're left with what appears as a family in shambles, then all of a sudden we jump in time and find the same having — more or less — made up. What happened? Did they have a big argument and decided to wipe the slate as clean as possible? That's a big question the story leaves open, and that somewhat lessened its impact on me. Also the connection to the prompt is rather flimsy (but I don't think anyone will bear you a grudge for this!).

The idea behind this story is rather silly and funny. I think you could've gotten it more plot-conforming if the guy had wished for a sandwich rather than a tin of Coke. However, the pseudo-philosophical rambling about every wish having a catch is original, and the characters play well off each other — emphasising the offputtingly logic rationale of the guy and the blasé/cunning countenance of the wish-granter.

A “tinful” of regrets would've made for a great Pink Floyd song at the time (much like a saucerful of secrets).

There isn't much to say beyond that, as this is more a scene rather than a full-fledged story, which is perfectly acceptable for a minific.

I must agree with Mike here. I don't mind free verses, but poetry is all about images, feelings, sensations, precisely what's lacking there. Show us a post-apocalyptic decor, with a leaden sky, massive dark clouds billowing in the sky and blotting out the Sun, deserted places, barren landscape, ramshackle buildings, silhouettes of stumped trees, etc.

Also, there are PoV shifts, especially at the beginning and the end, and while I understand this is meant as a sort of Aesop, it ends up as a little jarring.

But I liked the dark message underpinning it, so, despite its flaws, it landed pretty high on my slate.

It's a pretty nice take on the prompt, the whole setup is fine and, as others pointed out, endearing. I'm afraid there's not much to say beyond this, as the piece is meant to be a cute scene rather than a whole story. A bit fluffy and silly, but still in the first half of my slate.

Watch out for fridge monsters.

I must agree with all that has been said before. The constant hammering ended up being predictable and thus counterproductive. The passage pointed out by Ceffyl came across as telly: describe the face of the guy instead, a face suggestive of a mix between surprise, incomprehension and fear. That would've worked better than bluntly telling us how he feels.

That being said, it's a fairly written story about domestic abuse, but there's no strain of originality I can detect. It's not a particularly creative way to broach the problem, and I'm sure I've read it before. I mean, the story holds its own, it's not even tired, but even with the final twist, it's hard to really get involved in it.

I can't honestly say I was surprised by this story, having myself thought about writing something in the same ballpark. I just happened to lack the time to carry out my project. So thanks for filling in! :P

This makes me think about Pulp Fiction first and final scenes. It's carrying a very American atmosphere, as we wouldn't expect anyone — outside of cops — to carry a gun in their everyday life.

The major standout of this story is, as already discussed, the disconnect between the shooter's mind and her act. I suppose you looked for an extra shock by choosing the shooter to be female.

In all, a solid description of a shooting scene, in a very cinematic way. The only catch would be the unexpected level-mindedness, self-control and skill of the girl.

A culinary retelling of The Sorcerer's Apprentice, then. As a short scene, it delivers, but for me it's badly in need of some character development (voice, motivation) to really elevate it to where it needs to be. That last line doesn't really work for me, because the rest of the scene already implies as much, and there isn't really a setup to make referencing it worthwhile (say, as oppose to having the protagonist be told as much at the start, only to disregard it and learn the hard way... or something). There are a lot of words spent on the food, and though it makes for a reasonably amusing fic, I do feel that they could have been more efficiently used to bulk up the theme and message of the story. Would be interested in reading again with some revision/removal of word count restrictions.

Thanks for sharing your work!

It's even more important than usual to ensure that your characters have strong, defined voices when going for a dialogue-only approach, and I think you manage this pretty well, particularly in relation to the elderly man and his manner of speech. Nice work there. The style managed to carry the rest of the story well too, although the "...?" line kind of broke the spell weaved by the rest of the text. I can see why you used it, but I think there were perhaps other ways the response could have been captured that would have been more effective.

I think I also would have liked to have seen the final scene tie the two narratives together more strongly. As it is, the elderly man's story doesn't really mean anything. Maybe that's meant to be the point, but it didn't feel like a satisfying resolution.

A nice, fun read though. Thanks for sharing.

Ah, Sultan’s Maze.

It was an early Amsoft release, and one of many games that came with the Amstrad CPC 464 home bundle pack, but I didn't play it as often as some of the other titles at the time, and that was due to one reason.

The game bloody terrified me.

Yep, behind a charming (for then) opening screen and a (again, for then) comprehensive back-story lay a little slice of 8-bit horror.

In summary: you are tasked with entering Hampton Court Maze where, in the 14th century, the Sultan of Baghdad was robbed of the rubies that comprised his daughter’s dowry. He was on a state visit, so I'm not entirely sure why he was carrying them about with him, but at any rate the Sultan’s bodyguard went into the maze to retrieve the rubies, and was murdered for his troubles. I can only presume that after killing the bodyguard, the robbers all got lost in the maze and died too, as the rubies are still there to this day (well, as of 1984). Your quest is to avoid the ghost of the bodyguard, find all six rubies, and escape the maze.

Simplistic graphics and programming aside, I was always quite impressed with this game. It played in a pseudo-3D style (this was pre-Freescape engine, which brought us titles like Driller and Castle Master) where the maze draws around you as you enter numbers corresponding to text-based adventure commands – e.g. 6=turn left, 2=pick up ruby. As you move, so does the ghost of the bodyguard, and the process makes Sultan’s Maze reminiscent of a very slow-moving Pacman game. Only Pacman couldn't jump through the walls...


Oh wait... You mean this maze? Eh, this maze is okay, I guess. I mean, it doesn't have ghosts or rubies... but I suppose it does have a sandwich, and that's quite nice.

This is an obvious send-up of a Lovecraft story, and I think it succeeds fairly well in its comedic attempt. I suppose your model here was The Dream Quest of Unknown Kadath.

However, I think there are some flaws in the execution: first the repetitions, especially ‘eons’, which might be intentional but is not representative of Lovecraft's prose. In general, the style is alien to any Lovecraft story, and that doesn't fit well with the primary intent.

The lack or scarcity of explicit references was another downer. I mean, you could've used names like Yog-Sothoth or Chthulu, or even threaten the thousand-mouthed figure to send him spend a millenium with Azatoth.

Or on the Moon with Luna.

Sorry, I digress.

Finally it felt really disjointed, and doesn't achieve much besides its blatant jocular scope (but the last lines were fun).

This is hardly interesting besides the formatting effort. Which is, however, quite a clever move, since it dispenses you from writing. I mean, there's a plot, but no real style or even sentence. The story comes across as very choppy, which is inevitable given the choice you made. It also smacks of teenage or very young adulthood, and that doesn't help in building a sense of strong drama. I mean, it seems what you describe is just a (lackadaisical) breakup between two 20 year old or so lovers.

At that, I'd say it's not very original. I'm sure I've read almost the same story in a former WriteOff. Can't remember exactly which one though.

So while it's not bad, it's not a whopper either.

Considering the briefing and the prompt I kind of expected the punchline by the end of the second paragraph, and that kinda killed my interest in the story considering the rest didn't really work for me.

I appreciate the tongue in cheek tone you used in the first part of the story, it flowed well, but I don't think it worked for the kind of joke you wanted to write.

If I had to suggest changes I think that maybe going to the extremes in one of two directions could fix the story for me. Either down the path of clichè gritty realism by toning down the jokes in the briefing and making it clear that everyone involved is dead serious and sees nothing bizarre or strange in the mission, or by going over-the-top and making the briefing a grotesque exaggeration of the worst gung-ho attitude found in b-movies. The first way enhances the contrast of between the mission and the objective and doesn't give away the punchline too soon, the second would make it coherent and be more a build-up to the punchline, working by escalating the situation and making it less disjointed.

Thank you for writing this story. Despite what my comment seems to imply, I'm quite happy for every entry in the write-off, even if they don't work for me specifically.

This is basically the same story as Nobody Moves except it is told from the perp's POV rather than of the patrons.

I haven't much to add to what has already been said. I will just tack on that the end feels rushed. You take a lot of care describing us how the personnel reacts to the threatening thug, but then suddenly when the manager pitches in all gets resolved in a snap. That creates another break in the flow of a story which is already quite jerky.

This is a very simple story with a basic arc. I don't know much about Transformers So I was left at arm's length. It's not badly written, but it reads more like the synopsis for a comic strip than a story.

Yet, fret not, it didn't end up at the bottom of my slate.

This is just strange. I mean, the demeanour of the guy is just desultory. The final twist is not foreshadowed in any way — though maybe the cooter wants to get even because the girls were waited on before him?

It was hard for me to get over this big roadblock because I felt that the whole story was about that last twist. Problem with that kind of stories is that you shoot in the dark. Either the end works and the story ditto, or it doesn't and the story falls flat, which was unfortunately the case here.

Well, as the other pointed out, what sticks out like a sore thumb in this story is its weirdness. The premise is weird, the execution is weird, and the resolution — given that we may consider the last lines of this story as a resolution — is weird too. There are several plot holes that ruin the reader's experience: why is the captain still alive? Why has the ‘creature‘ – for want of a better word – gone inside the cabin, then exited taking great pain to not be able to re-enter again? We might even ask how come the plane is still flying.

And the final solution… well. In the event of a terrorist hijacking, the cockpit door stayed closed and the pilots kept control, no matter the cost. Really? Is the personnel more important than the pax? I wonder

Nothing much to add. It’s a nice kitchen tailspin description, but it’s hardly anything else.
You’re right, though. Good cuisine is already magic, no need to pepper it more! ;)

...who designed a harness that lets you smack your head on the windscreen while you're still wearing it?

I think my biggest problem with this story is that I wasn't really sure what part I was supposed to be paying attention to. Should I be worried about his friend? No, he's dead. Should I be worried about crashing? Apparently not, because it's never mentioned. Should I be worried about how horrible a decision he's making? Perhaps, but he seems to rationalize it fairly well, so maybe not? Should I be worried about the thing getting in? Maybe, but depressurizing might have taken care of it as well. Should I be worried about what happened to the sandwich? I dunno.

I guess, overall, this story feels remarkably unfocused to me. More words might help with that.

...eeehhh...

I guess my biggest critique here is that they're all one-liners, except the last bit with the sentient sandwich. Some brick jokes would be nice, or jokes that build on other jokes, or even some puns or something.

Vaguely remembers me of the famous classical SciFi short story called The Leech, but an (obviously) much more condensed version.

This one suffers from the fact we never really know what the creature looks like, and, most of all, it's a “Mary Sue”. It never really faces any challenge: it just springs up from the deep, gets its food destroying what we assume is an atomic power plant, and goes back whence he came (Horizon I want a point for using ‘whence’ :P).

Consequently, there's hardly any conflict here. It's like you standing up, opening a cabinet to fetch a biscuit, sweeping some ants by the way, and getting back to your chair nibbling it… Not really exciting.

This feels experimental, and as far as that goes, I think it works. The thing is, if you had a specific goal for experimenting in the way you did, I didn't catch that. And if you didn't, then... I think you should, since as it is, this story doesn't really seem to have much of a point. There's some plot here, weird though it is, and that's good. But I didn't see any theme.

My only quibble:

Is that the child seems to be older in the earlier section than in the later section. The child at the beginning seems to understand all the things in italics as well as understanding the idea of crushing your enemies, but the child at the end seems too young to form a complete sentence.

My suggestion would be to show us the italicized stuff at the beginning in scenes and dialogue. That way, we can see and hear things through the child's POV without you having to make the child old enough to understand them and the child can be as young as you need him to be for the ending to work. Still, this one goes to the top of my ballot. Very nicely done.

Mike

What'd make this:

Work for me would be more asides to the reader. I mean, if you're gonna do it twice, jump right in and keep doing it. Have the narrator acknowledge and agree with the reader that, yes, this whole situation is absurd, but it's the story we're stuck with, so let's try to make the best of it till we get to the ending and can all get back to our lives.

Something like that, any way... :)

Mike

...huh.

Saw that one coming.

Is this, like, transformers... as in the toys, transformers? If that was important to the story at all, I missed it. If it's not important to the story at all, perhaps you should use something else? Interesting, I guess, but not super compelling.

That heavenly scent, that would drive a real chef mad with desire and inspiration. For me, it just…

… so the narrator is telling us up front that they're not a real chef?

As it turns out, my ex-wife is a real chef (trained at culinary school early in our marriage and still works in the field), so I ran this by her:

h: Reviewing a story in which someone builds a sausage sandwich with Hollandaise sauce. And then drizzles on balsamic vinaigrette. I did a double take, but want a pro opinion. How wack is that?
h: Like, could it work or are the flavors just gonna clash too hard?
K: It's not so much a clash as the balsamic would kill the Hollandaise. And sausage is usually kind of spicy.
K: Plus, that would be a very wet sandwich.
h: They did toast the bread first so I'll spot them that. "Kill" how?
K: Hollandaise tastes like lemon butter. It's a very light sauce that is typically served over poached eggs or asparagus. Balsamic vin is a dark, heavier flavor profile. You can use it as a marinade or reduce it down to a glaze.
K: What I mean by "kill" is that once you put them together on the same dish, you will end up with eggy balsamic - it's like it's not even there.
K: If someone wanted the creaminess of hollandaise but the tangy of balsamic, I would make mayo with a shot of balsamic. Same mouth feel, much more coherent flavor.
h: Ah, gotcha.
h: Actually at the end they also add in pesto mayo
K: Ew.
K: Pesto mayo and a drizzle of balsamic on a sandwich is pretty classic Italian. Hollandaise is a French sauce, it can't get in the middle of all that.
K: I suspect the writer threw a cooking dictionary at this description and picked what sounded fanciest.
h: I'm gonna have to try balsamic + pesto mayo sometime then — I'm curious how that works. Thank you. :)

Beyond that … as others have noted, the entirety of this appears to be the content of the recipe itself (of questionable authenticity; I'm not the food expert my ex is, but I lived with her for years and so I know enough to find the recipe here odd) and the little scraps of characterization of the narrator (which feels pretty thin). This was certainly a noble experiment, and I think the idea of using the recipe description as a narrative device has a lot of potential, but right now neither half lands for me. I think a great direction to take this would be to have the narrator reveal little bits about his opinions or preferences or past as he walks through step by step, psychologically unloading layer by layer as if peeling an onion. Or maybe treat the recipe as an extended metaphor. Right now the food porn just feels too empty to connect with me.

I hope the expert opinion helps you revise the food parts of this! I really do need to try the balsamic + pesto mayo thing. I've got some balsamic vinegar at home and should be able to whip the rest up with stuff from our local organic market.

Tier: Needs Work

About the only complaint I can level here is that the exposition about the wishing device seems end-loaded, and it might have been nice to sneak in some minimal description of the individual that the narrator is talking to. But otherwise my main reaction is frustration, because now I have to figure out whether to put this or Fifty Foot Doughnut on top of my slate, and they both deserve it.

Also, thank you for being willing to take a risk with the prompt and handwave the "sandwich" away while retaining the "Look, I Just Want My" part. By the time this round ends I'm going to be sick of sandwiches for months.

Tier: Top Contender

Another ironic pairing -- thank you, slate. From a story about a Coca-Cola to a story that's the narrative equivalent of sugary empty calories.

... That's a little unfair, because there's no real problems here bigger than some scattered typoes. This is just very firmly in the fluffy-slice-of-life camp. I keep returning to the word "cute". And clever, a little, but mostly cute. What little hooks of character we get (the narrator's last summer at home and their presumed emotions about their change in life) are drowned in the cute. It's undeniably effective but heart attacks from textual diabetes aren't my thing.

So, not at the top of my slate, but it's certainly effective at what it sets out to do and I'll nudge it upward accordingly. And MrNumbers, if this is you out to prove a point again after your high placement last round with a super-cliche sadfic, I hope that this medals just to spite you. :V

Tier: Solid

This line, I think, is what makes this story work for me: This was not the way it was supposed to go. She had given up her purse. He was supposed to go away now, not kill the poor cashier for not moving fast enough.

That line's got a lot of character in it. The stasis of our lives can be very strong, and she's skipping from habit to habit to habit here, in an attempt to survive; and when she does, the world is different.

I liked this one.

That bit with the king came across as... I dunno. I want to say unsubtle, but I'm not certain that's it. I did like this, although a bit of tuning might help as well; things like repeating floor close together, and since this has some fantasy flavor, not really being sure what they mean about monsters in the dark.

This does do a good job of being economical, and it feels like it's longer than its wordcount would suggest, which is good.

...I feel like the wall he's leaning on should have crumbled as he spoke. You know, broken?

:/

Anyways, you've got a few mistyped words.

Does this count as a feghoot, I wonder?

The ending was cute, in my opinion, but a bit... fast? I think it could have benefited from more buildup, foreshadowing, something. Still, this was interesting and evocative of the characters, and I enjoyed that.

It took me a re-read or two to get the image of the first paragraph clear in my head -- that they were passing a motorist services sign on the road, and the 3 was the distance. It might simply be because of that disorientation that I feel the opening is kinda weak, but the other half of that is that I don't feel like there's much emotional resonance to it -- you're just establishing scene/place before zooming inward later to your character. That does reinforce your theme of emotional distance and isolation, but it also makes the opening feel muted. You might want to try playing around with opening closer to John, establishing him along with the scene, and see if that works with what you're going for.

I think this meets its storytelling goals, though some central questions gnaw at me, in a they-would-be-nitpicks-if-they-didn't-strike-so-close-to-your-premise way. Mainly: I'm having a lot of trouble with the idea that John literally can become the Prime Minister before running into these sorts of behavior constraints. Before that, they would be the leader of their political party, and go through a lot of election cycles along the way; you don't just flip a switch one day and become forced to eat BLTs. Of course, if >>ZaidValRoa is correct and "Aidan" is a meaningful signal here (AI Dan?), then this is sufficiently sci-fi that the solution may be to roll your own government, where suddenly relatively normal people do get thrust into that sort of spotlight. It would require a lot more exposition than we're currently seeing, though. In fact, if this is meant to be more than immediate-future-buzzword sci-fi, I think it needs more exposition in general; I never would have caught the Aidan thing if Zaid hadn't pointed it out.

I also share the concerns elaborated above about the fridge and the class consciousness of the food.

On the whole, though, this paints a good verbal picture; while a lot of the side elements feel underexplained, that does help create a welcome feeling of depth to the world outside, and this does a strong job with theme and tone. Just get John sorted out.

Tier: Strong

Do not attempt to stay in any hotel named after a State.

Is this a "Hotel California" reference? That's awfully oblique.

The grammar here could use an editing pass, and not every joke landed, but this certainly gave me its share of grins. "Founded in 1968 by Dr. Narcola as a planned community for his race of mutant super-gerbils" was a good early line to set the tone of straight-faced ridiculousness you're going for here (and possibly a nod to the webcomic Narbonic?), and I think that delivery reaches peak hilarity in the hotels on scenic Crater Bay. I definitely want to commend this for walking that tightrope between silly and earnest.

Unfortunately, I do have to join the chorus noting 1) there's really no larger story here and 2) I cannot detect any hint of the prompt whatsoever. #1 doesn't need fixing, because this is an entertaining comic travelogue with some interesting worldbuilding seeping in around the edges, but given its competition I do have to factor that in; and with #2 I try to be very liberal in prompt latitude but there is a point beyond which even I have to make adjustments. The cumulative effect of that and the rough editing is going to drag this down in my scoring to below my actual level of enjoyment. I hope you give it an edit pass after the competition.

Tier: Almost There

There's an interesting premise here, and I like the idea of taking the sandwich as a paradigm of the constant strive for improvement and technological prowess so characteristic of the Human mind.

However this premise is somewhat buried under a shallow execution and too much grammar mistakes to shine, which is a pity. My advice would be to rewrite this story once the round is over, taking your time to proofread/edit and explore the teacher's psychology more in depth.

(And I apologise if I sound curt.)

I'd echo the earlier comments regarding the story needing a good spit and polish. Aside from the punctuation and grammar mistakes, there are quite a few clunky and run-on sentences present throughout. Absolutely nothing that wouldn't be treated by a good (deadline-free) edit session, however, and I feel pretty convinced that timing just got the better of you on this occasion.

The piece itself is interesting, though the fact that it tries to sit on two shelves and ends up getting stuck between them weakens it, in my opinion. The history lesson, and its implications/reflections, make for an good read, and would have stood strongly on its own. The fact that it's presented through a narrative frame of a professor imparting wisdom and knowledge to his charges, though, makes me want more actual story, and as that's not forthcoming the final product feels somewhat lacking.

Might be a stretch for the professor to call the trencher (during its earlier occurances) a sandwich outright, too. Certainly, when placing it in the context of the evolution of the sandwich we might consider it to be an open top one, but that's more of a contemporary label being reactively applied, and they would make for pretty horrible (stale) sandwiches. They were plates, first and foremost.

Still, this was trying something a little different, and I like that. Thanks for sharing.

Sorry, Author, but I'm not sure I have anything to add here that hasn't already been said already. The formatting and style is decent, but the conflict didn't feel very alive to me, and I'm not sure that the content did a good enough job of rounding out these characters enough for me to care what happens to them and their relationship. As a short piece I'm not sure it works for me, but as a scene in a larger narrative it would probably fair much better.

Thanks for sharing your work.

I suppose “gleaning” is for “gleaming”.

You should be word-thrifty in such rounds.
He convulsed, the amount of pain bringing him into shock. is way too long-winded for “He convulsed under the pain.”

I agree with the previous reviewers that this has a lot of potential but doesn't live up to its expectations. We have that goddess, Jenny. I can guess she probably wants to eat something incognito, and those two cops (?) recognise her and want her to take a hike. Fine, but why? I mean, not only there are assholes because the girl didn't mingle in any way, but they also are morons shooting at what appears to be an immortal demigod capable of instant regeneration (makes me thinks of a Terminator more than a deity, by the way).

If the scene is to make sense, it must be plunged into a wider context we completely lack. What’s this academy? Why has she chosen to eat her sandwich here? Why are the cops so snarky — and thus suicidal? What happens next?

Badly needs an expansion to unleash its full potential. In the present state, it ended up right in the middle of my slate.

I suppose the (implied) dystopian setting doesn't allow for hostels, soup kitchens and outreach services?

This is another attempt to do something different with a prompt that lends itself easily to comedy, and I can definitely appreciate that. It's also a subject matter close to my heart. It's a nicely descriptive piece, but I'm going to have to level the same criticism that I gave to Housewife, namely that the checklist approach to the subject matter made things feel too heavy and melodramatic.

The thing that really killed it for me though was Steve. Elements of Serge's situation are, sadly, very real for a great number of people, and each of those will have that one trigger event which started them down this road. However, Serge's feels too much like an attempt at to safeguard him from becoming distasteful/unrelatable to the reader upon him committing the act, and not only that, but it's a pretty trite and convenient scenario to boot. Like, it's a bit more okay, because he killed the guy who (I assume, even though it's not really stated) cost him his job through brown-nosing, and who was horrible to him during their re-acquaintance. The final line then gives the impression (to me) that the act might have been Serge's motivation all along. Now, that's fair enough, but if you really wanted to highlight the desperate reality of Serge's situation, why not instead have him attack a random member of the public, or have him decide and plan to target Steve during an earlier point of the narrative. As it is, it feels like you want to have your karma-flavoured cake and eat it, and I don't think it works as a result.

tl;dr
Interesting and descriptive slant, but this needs more work around character development and motivation, or some greater clarity, for it to really shine the way it could.

And don't get me wrong, I think it could shine. I'd be interested in seeing a revised version, should you ever decide to produce one. Thanks for sharing your work.

Good lord....I don't have much to even go about from here thanks to the format alone. Um....So it was a read. Um....enjoyable....that would be adding too much sugar on top of it. I didn't enjoy it. In fact the sandwich part came in and I groaned out loud in real life. Um...so it's a not a story. It's a wall of texting. Angry texting about a broken up relationship that could have been explored through a good story plot even. Um, I don't know what to do at this point besides stick to what I've been doing.

NEGATIVES
Story?-It just didn't feel like a story at all. You're given lines from the characters that hint at certain actions and events taking place without much of an explanation to them.

Tension-The fact that this story hits you hard with a struggle from the get go makes it feel old real fast. The way the story never seems to break off from it's usual conflict of "he said, she said" moments. I see enough of this in real life to be entertained by it. So it was actually saddening.

POSITIVES
Topic-The Sandwich part of the story came out as a line to smite the other character and that's all we really get from the topic you were handed to write about.

Variety-Loved the fact you took a spin on a different angle here. Not giving us a normal story but something else to enjoy. The fact that's it's not a story in itself is what's really hurting it, but still a fun read nonetheless.

This piece reminded me of a game. A simple series of "let''s play" videos on Youtube already spoiled the ending for me on this Though the purpose of the game being played through nothing but a series of texting and typing in answers made way for opening up thought process into the whole equation. Yes it was a good effort but we alreayd know the ending to deal with some sandwich and someone just getting even angrier. What's even worse is that the story seems to falling deeper into that angry to the point where it becomes cringe-like to it's onlookers/witnesses. I wanna say it's a good try and a lovely piece but it just fell far from the points I'm looking at towards my own voting list.

Well, I’ve read it twice but I’m still unable to make head or tail of it. It might be what CIG once said: “Don’t try to be too subtle with WriteOff folks”. There’s a lot of good things here, the dialogue feels snappy and natural, but, even beating my brains out, I fail to see what the underpinning plot is.

O Wow. Nevermind. This is a burial, I didn't catch the word “casket” at the first read (sorry for expecting the British “coffin” instead). Okay.

Well, it’s a bit melodramatic: the girl who breaks up with her family but comes back at the burial because she regrets it. Good execution, but I can’t deny I had that knee-jerk reaction “Oh! It’s that”. It’s not bad, just a bit trite.

But don’t fret: the obvious qualities push this up my slate.

>>Xepher got the measure of this, in my opinion. I'm not a fan of this style of prose, although I can put my preferences to one side enough to appreciate when a story is well written and atmospheric. Nice job there. I guess the only thing worse than working in the fast food industry is working in the fast food industry in hell. I mean, must be a terrible commute.

As always, thanks for sharing your work.

Clever and creative, and you manage to bury the occasional forced line under a greater number of interesting and witty ones, so top marks there. Like >>Xepher though, I can't help feel that the one reference to sandwich could be wholly superfluous to the piece, and it's frustrating that the final line doesn't really feel like it relates, other than to contain the aforementioned reference.

Still, I do like a good limerick, and there was a lot to enjoy here. Thanks for sharing.

Okay. Another one that losing out on the pretenses of story structure. This one wasn't half bad. I quite enjoy the hidden conflict here. Even though I found that it in no way comes out to a satisfying ending to it. So summary short two robbers get away with stealing nothing but wine and snacks from a small town Sandwich shop. Robbers end up cursing and fool an old gentleman.

Soooo um. Traits? I don't have many to go form here.

NEAGTIVES
Description-This piece vaguely even uses describing the characters scenery or actions. It leaves me with a blank slate to even make a picture on.

Plot-I'm not really getting much form the plot here. Except the bad guys running into a snag and actually getting away with it, yet getting away with nothing. Though Wine bottles can go for 20-2000 dollars depending on what type of wine you buy. I'll admit that I'm sure that the bottles those two grabbed were of the cheaper variety.

POSITIVES
Entertainment-It's was pretty entertaining seeing the robbers go "OH S#$%!" and turning it all around. Though it would have been more fun if they had trouble in the kitchen. Or a couple of incidents with the customer asking what is going on. I swear that the time difference also seems to make this um...strangely ungenuine. The old man should have been sleeping and they could have easily said they were closed due to "door maintenance".

Intro-The introduction of two robbers and one older man getting in the way reminded me of "Home Alone" where the robbers would constantly find themselves in a nutshell thanks to one little annoyance. Now this story really didn't have that but it was a nice though and the hook really got to me. Now the ending though just didn't feel like it quite fit into. Becuase what you offer us is "bad" guys doing "bad" things and trying to get away with. The ending leaves us with no morals or lessons to go on making this feel very different from that of the movie.

I know my reviews have been getting shorter but only because the content I'm getting is rather strange. It's not bad just not what I've been expecting. Also I wanted to kick out more reviews anyway and see about helping people. Um I'm not gonna say it needs work because I see the potential here. you had a really good interesting idea that just needs hashing out. Keep the dialogue and focus on making a good structure around it.

It doesn’t render correctly even with monospaced fonts. Why didn’t you use the [ code ] tag?

[code]
Like this
[/code]

Oh, it doesn’t work :(

Whatever. That’s a cheat. Your maze leaks. Go back to your school of architecture you rookie! Dedalus should give you good advice. :)

PS: Abstention :P

There's a lot:

That's fun here, but it's not till the very end that we find out we're in the kitchen. So I wasn't able to visualize the scene throughout its entire length: it was just figures floating in empty space for most of the story. Also, Theo's worried about his parents finding out, but if we're in the kitchen rather than his room, I have to wonder where the parents are? Have they gone out for dinner and he's expecting them back any minute? That adds a ticking clock to the scene and gives it more tension.

How did the entity get there? Is there a bottle on the table in front of Theo or something similar? Did the witch conjure up the sandwiches with her magic? Or is she familiar enough with the modern kitchen to make them the regular mundane way? If it's this second one, you could have her interrupting Theo and the entity's discussion with questions as to where the various ingredients are located.

Like I said, it's fun. But try to think as you're writing, "What questions will the reader have about all this?" And then find a way to answer those questions in a sentence or a couple words.

Mike

Going to a funeral just for the food? That's cold.

This really, really suffers from lack of context, though; >>Xepher already noted the core of this but I want to go further. Aside from the one cue of the "shared air of sadness" at the beginning, which I initially didn't assign enough importance to, this really felt like some sort of dinner party or reunion. Especially with her being there just for the food. And her complaint about "talking to people", using the vague and generic "people" instead of something like "the rest of the family".

Strongly agreed with Xepher that "he" is overloaded. Until less than 100 words from the end, we are shown exactly one male character. But it was even worse than that for me, since our first text about Jamie is:

There was a part of me that was happy to see him, I suppose, but there was another, larger part of me that wished he hadn’t noticed me. Still, he did, so there was no point in trying to blend in anymore.

He is, basically, introduced in a way that strongly implies some sort of failed relationship even though the reveal tells us that he's her brother. It's not just that one line:

“I won’t be staying much longer, I have plans,” I said back. I didn’t say will but he knew.

He looked away. He tried to keep smiling, but I knew better. I didn’t mean to hurt him …

So for the vast majority of the story I was reading about a woman confronting the ex who still loves her at some event like a class reunion. Seriously, reread the story and chop off the final 100 words, everything lines up perfectly with that. And then the reveal just pulled the rug out from underneath all that, and the surprise ending does your emotional impact no favors here — the new context has no bearing on the weight of the actual tragedy (her father's death), and in fact distracts from that tragedy by making Jamie's identity look more central to your story than it actually is. In between that and the general sense of frustrating vagueness, I can see from a distance the moments that do land (like the focus on the chill or the whole thing about avocadoes and the ending), but I just can't feel like this comes together. Sorry, author. I think it'll improve very quickly with editing if you attack that central problem.

Tier: Needs Work

I'm going to go further than >>Orbiting_kettle, because I read the first two sentences:

“This is it, the biggest job anyone has ever taken on. We will be up against the most rigorous security ever designed by man. …

And I thought to myself, "This is building up to a punchline in which they are breaking into a maximum-security vault for a mere sandwich," and I was exactly right, and so 450 of your 480 words felt basically wasted.

Here's the thing about that. (I'm going to spoiler-text it as a story courtesy, but this is a discussion of general storytelling principle, so I'd recommend everyone either skim this story real quick, or just spoil yourself if you don't think you're going to end up reading it.)
Prompt drops are inherently risky (see >>horizon), but using a prompt drop as a punchline is pretty much a guaranteed path to an underwhelming story — because comedy is about subverting expectations, and in the context of a competition like this, using the prompt is literally the least unexpected thing you can do. It's right there in the rules that you have to relate the story to the prompt somehow, and if you've gotten to the last paragraph without doing so, where else is it gonna be? That's magnified by this round's prompt being so unambiguous (and therefore limiting) — you don't even get the wiggle room of "how is the author going to interpret the prompt to work this in?"

The way to make a limiting prompt work for you in a comedy is to realize that absolutely everyone is going to see the prompt coming — and then to get it out of the way as quickly as possible, so that you can spring fresh surprises on your readers, liberated from predictability. If this had been about a Mission Impossible break-in, but right in the second paragraph one of the crucial team members couldn't be arsed to do the job because they've got a lunch date at the deli, then the story from there is wide open and you can crack fresh jokes. Even if you'd played the raid straight and simply told us up front that the target was a sandwich, suddenly we have no clue where the story's actually going to end up. (And neither will you! That can be a little intimidating, because you're going to have to come up with a better punchline. But putting in the effort to do so will get your work a better reception anyhow.)

Beyond that, well, eh. The text here all serves as build-up, so there's not much to appreciate beyond the core premise that didn't land for me. I had some mild interest in the gender roles digression, though that also weirdly clashes with the "fellow man" and "brothers" call-and-response which immediately follows it. Effort clearly went into this story, and I don't want to discount that, but in my particular case it was doomed from the start. Sorry.

Tier: Misaimed

Like >>Chryssi, the font for this wouldn't align the maze on either my Mac or my iPhone. It did pull together on my desktop PC.

I feel obligated by the purpose of the Writeoffs to score this at the bottom of my slate, since I can't even tell what the text is that I'm supposed to be judging it by. (I suspect the author did that undocumented thing where they hide words within a <div style="hidden text here"> tag, which Roger's wordcounter decides is legitimate but his display code strips out so that it doesn't even show up in the page source.) And ASCII art is a really tough proposition without monospaced fonts.

But that should not detract from the cleverness nor effort here. Thank you for spicing up the Writeoffs by bending the rules for some on-topic and amusing silliness.

[img]http://www.reactiongifs.us/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/slow_clap_citizen_kane.gif[/img]

Tier: N/A

Words I never thought I'd read too often #392: Piquant

A nice, enjoyable read, this. I think you manage to imply just about enough to not leave me questioning the setup, which is no mean feat given the word limit restrictions and the amount you've got going on here. I think some explanation as to the particular rules of this story's supernatural world would assist in giving the plot even greater clarity, though: Why, for instance, can the ghost of the driver who presumably tracked them down not go and retrieve his sandwich ghost himself? We can establish through Anna's interactions and nature that this would be feasible. It might also have been nice to see the client directly, but I don't feel that his absence weakens the fic. There's only so much you can fit in, and it feels pretty complete as it stands.

Not that I wouldn't read the pants off an expanded version, of course. Just saying.

Great stuff. In and around the top spot for me. Thanks for sharing.

Oh, John. Don't you go listening to that Aidan fellow. He obviously didn't learn anything from pasty-gate.

Plus, like, you can get salmon sandwiches in most supermarkets these days... I don't think people would make judgement on your class leanings from that alone. I'm pretty sure they're cheaper than a BLT in some places. Well, in the UK, at least.

I quite liked the tone of this story, and felt the characters slotted in well to the general sense of isolation and distance underpinning it. Nice work there. One or two nitpicks with some word choices (I'm not sure 'important' was the right word to use in relation to the caviar, etc. Importance doesn't necessarily infer a taste/need for the finer things).

But yeah... pretty decent, this. Thanks for sharing.

2 days before the prelims end. As it stands, the following fics have just three comments each:

18. Years Ago
21. Rain
30. Seven O'Clock Sharper
37. You'd Think She'd Have Seen This Coming
42. A Case of Sandwiches

Just in case anyone who has read them hasn't yet chipped in with some helpful feedback, and feels like doing so.

Hopefully not stamping on anyone's hooves here, but I thought these posts helpful last time I entered.

This was a nice story, though, to be frank, the wilful girl sticking to her guns and chasing her dream (wait, wait. Didn’t Twilight Sparkle said something like “one must follow one’s dream” as someone recently pointed out? ;) )

The “sand-witch” pun was equally mentioned in the chat (besides being obvious) So That wasn’t very original either.

But, like the house built of common materials, this story is still nicely done. The cement and putty are neatly applied and the result is smooth and enjoyable to read. It doesn’t reach for the stars, but does well within its own purview.

Tl;dr: A solid journeyman’s work.

I'm enjoying the fics about sand witches (or variants thereof) so far. Granted, it's not an hugely original interpretation of the prompt at face value, but I think you can still do quite original things with it, and that's what counts...

... and I really liked the concept here, even if the execution didn't completely work for me. I'm a big fan of cute fluff, but even given that I struggled with the 0-100MPH blushing and nervous stammering and stuttering of Rowan and Tiffany. I fully appreciate the limitations of the round are working against you here, but it just felt too much too fast for me to really enjoy it.

As a scene of something larger I think I could become invested pretty quickly in this world of yours. As a minific however, and despite the above, it just didn't feel like it really went anywhere. Which is a shame; I hope you give some consideration to expanding this.

Thanks very much for sharing your work.

I'm going to be strapped for time after this evening, so I'm going to try and whip through the rest of my reviews pretty briefly.

As has already been said, this painted a lot of detail as to the world, and the people within it, with very few words, and did so evocatively and thoughtfully. I would echo the point that Billy seems little more than a foil for Franklin and his thoughts which, as a character study between two individuals, weakens the piece as a whole. But this is still going to rank highly on my ever-increasing slate. Thanks for sharing.