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Nobody Move
All she wanted to do this afternoon was settle down in a window seat at the sandwich shop and read Ta-Nehisi Coates's latest book. She needed a break from Wollstonecraft, because if she were to read another FemLit book this week, she would have to write a newspaper editorial just to get it all out of her system.
The noise of the store door slamming open stunned her in the middle of deciding between olives or green peppers for her sub sandwich, and for a moment, her mind could not make sense of the following words.
"Nobody move!"
Moving was impossible anyway. Her muscles had frozen in place when she caught sight of the gun, a huge lump of black metal much like the massive pistol her father had showed her at the gun shop.
As the young man continued to shout and wave his gun around, some small portion of her frightened mind could not help but draw a contrast between the oppressed minority children who had always been portrayed in her college classes against the muscular young man with the shiny gold chain and wide, dark eyes. Her paralyzed terror broke as he grabbed her purse and backhanded her when she did not give it up fast enough.
"Down, bitch! Everybody, put your wallets in here! Now! Move it!"
He jabbed the open purse at the other customers waiting in line, but swung his gun to point at the terrified cashier. She was the daughter of the owner, and always had a pleasant smile when tipped, but she was completely immobile now, frozen while staring at the gun and the man holding it.
"Gimmie the fucking cash in the register or I'll blow your brains out!"
The sharp tang of metal and blood filled her mouth. This was not the way it was supposed to go. She had given up her purse. He was supposed to go away now, not kill the poor cashier for not moving fast enough.
Her right hand fumbled down to her beltline as she hooked her fingernails under the flap of what looked like a fat cell phone holder or music player attached to her belt. With a snap, the Sneaky Pete holster flap gave way and practiced muscles in her hand dipped inside. It was warm from her body heat and seemed so small compared to the huge pistol in his hand, but days worth of practice and boxes of ammunition had given her the muscle memory which still remained even though her mind was unable to form a coherent thought.
She brought it up and clenched it in a two-handed grip the way her father had trained her.
The first shot was a surprise to the both of them. He did not seem to be hit as he turned ever so slowly, gun in hand. Her eyes were still locked on his huge pistol as the finger of her right hand moved again, first forward, then back. All she could think of was the people at the firing range calling her little revolver tiny and weak, with the scattered holes across the target almost never inside the rings.
But he was much closer.
A red splotch blossomed on his chest with the next shot, even though it did not seem to slow him down. It had only taken one bullet to kill any number of people on television or movies, and she could remember the protests of her teachers about trigger-happy cops or vigilantes filling the corpses of their victims full of bullet holes.
The next two shots blurred together as he finished his turn, stumbling and starting to fall with the deadly black pistol falling out of his hand. She lowered her aim as he dropped and fired again, the last shot passing through his side and blowing a hole in the floor as he landed in a welter of blood.
In the resulting silence, mixed with the screams of the other customers, she could hear a clicking noise which only stopped when she finally quit pulling the trigger. The stunning explosions of gunfire still rang in her ears and the stench of burnt gunpowder made her cough, but she watched as the body of the man she had just killed stopped moving.
He breathed out his last breath in a bubbling froth and just lay there as she sucked in her first breath in what seemed like forever.
I just wanted a sandwich.
I just wanted...
I just...
The noise of the store door slamming open stunned her in the middle of deciding between olives or green peppers for her sub sandwich, and for a moment, her mind could not make sense of the following words.
"Nobody move!"
Moving was impossible anyway. Her muscles had frozen in place when she caught sight of the gun, a huge lump of black metal much like the massive pistol her father had showed her at the gun shop.
As the young man continued to shout and wave his gun around, some small portion of her frightened mind could not help but draw a contrast between the oppressed minority children who had always been portrayed in her college classes against the muscular young man with the shiny gold chain and wide, dark eyes. Her paralyzed terror broke as he grabbed her purse and backhanded her when she did not give it up fast enough.
"Down, bitch! Everybody, put your wallets in here! Now! Move it!"
He jabbed the open purse at the other customers waiting in line, but swung his gun to point at the terrified cashier. She was the daughter of the owner, and always had a pleasant smile when tipped, but she was completely immobile now, frozen while staring at the gun and the man holding it.
"Gimmie the fucking cash in the register or I'll blow your brains out!"
The sharp tang of metal and blood filled her mouth. This was not the way it was supposed to go. She had given up her purse. He was supposed to go away now, not kill the poor cashier for not moving fast enough.
Her right hand fumbled down to her beltline as she hooked her fingernails under the flap of what looked like a fat cell phone holder or music player attached to her belt. With a snap, the Sneaky Pete holster flap gave way and practiced muscles in her hand dipped inside. It was warm from her body heat and seemed so small compared to the huge pistol in his hand, but days worth of practice and boxes of ammunition had given her the muscle memory which still remained even though her mind was unable to form a coherent thought.
She brought it up and clenched it in a two-handed grip the way her father had trained her.
The first shot was a surprise to the both of them. He did not seem to be hit as he turned ever so slowly, gun in hand. Her eyes were still locked on his huge pistol as the finger of her right hand moved again, first forward, then back. All she could think of was the people at the firing range calling her little revolver tiny and weak, with the scattered holes across the target almost never inside the rings.
But he was much closer.
A red splotch blossomed on his chest with the next shot, even though it did not seem to slow him down. It had only taken one bullet to kill any number of people on television or movies, and she could remember the protests of her teachers about trigger-happy cops or vigilantes filling the corpses of their victims full of bullet holes.
The next two shots blurred together as he finished his turn, stumbling and starting to fall with the deadly black pistol falling out of his hand. She lowered her aim as he dropped and fired again, the last shot passing through his side and blowing a hole in the floor as he landed in a welter of blood.
In the resulting silence, mixed with the screams of the other customers, she could hear a clicking noise which only stopped when she finally quit pulling the trigger. The stunning explosions of gunfire still rang in her ears and the stench of burnt gunpowder made her cough, but she watched as the body of the man she had just killed stopped moving.
He breathed out his last breath in a bubbling froth and just lay there as she sucked in her first breath in what seemed like forever.
I just wanted a sandwich.
I just wanted...
I just...
And there was me thinking this round was going to be full of crackfics and comedic nonsense about sandwiches. Two down, and both a little more darker in tone than I was imagining.
This one is also very well written, though it did perhaps feel like a scene from something bigger, rather than a complete story. I felt it needed something more in relation to the protagonist, although I think you almost got there with the memories of the shooting range. The little observations and fragments of memories do a really good job of evoking the numb shock someone might feel being faced suddenly with this type of situation however, and as such the scene never once comes across as anything other than believable. I like that.
The closing lines would have worked more effectively for me if they were framed by a little more post-event action. It's the type of response I could imagine happening a little later on, once the adrenaline had worn off and the protagonist takes stock of what has truly happened, but I appreciate that the word count is working against you here.
Nice job, this. Thanks for sharing.
This one is also very well written, though it did perhaps feel like a scene from something bigger, rather than a complete story. I felt it needed something more in relation to the protagonist, although I think you almost got there with the memories of the shooting range. The little observations and fragments of memories do a really good job of evoking the numb shock someone might feel being faced suddenly with this type of situation however, and as such the scene never once comes across as anything other than believable. I like that.
The closing lines would have worked more effectively for me if they were framed by a little more post-event action. It's the type of response I could imagine happening a little later on, once the adrenaline had worn off and the protagonist takes stock of what has truly happened, but I appreciate that the word count is working against you here.
Nice job, this. Thanks for sharing.
Sometimes, I feel the wordcount is a restrain. I'm glad to see that wasn't the case here.
Yes, the story could have benefitted from exploring the protagonist's feelings a bit more, but the relative simplicity adds to the feel of the story.
Echoing some of the thoughts above, I feel the ending wasn't as strong as it could have been. As I understand it, the protagonist is going into shock after decreasing the number of criminals in town, but I believe you could have crafted a much stronger ending there.
Still, it doesn't change that it was very well written.
Yes, the story could have benefitted from exploring the protagonist's feelings a bit more, but the relative simplicity adds to the feel of the story.
Echoing some of the thoughts above, I feel the ending wasn't as strong as it could have been. As I understand it, the protagonist is going into shock after decreasing the number of criminals in town, but I believe you could have crafted a much stronger ending there.
Still, it doesn't change that it was very well written.
I can't honestly say I was surprised by this story, having myself thought about writing something in the same ballpark. I just happened to lack the time to carry out my project. So thanks for filling in! :P
This makes me think about Pulp Fiction first and final scenes. It's carrying a very American atmosphere, as we wouldn't expect anyone — outside of cops — to carry a gun in their everyday life.
The major standout of this story is, as already discussed, the disconnect between the shooter's mind and her act. I suppose you looked for an extra shock by choosing the shooter to be female.
In all, a solid description of a shooting scene, in a very cinematic way. The only catch would be the unexpected level-mindedness, self-control and skill of the girl.
This makes me think about Pulp Fiction first and final scenes. It's carrying a very American atmosphere, as we wouldn't expect anyone — outside of cops — to carry a gun in their everyday life.
The major standout of this story is, as already discussed, the disconnect between the shooter's mind and her act. I suppose you looked for an extra shock by choosing the shooter to be female.
In all, a solid description of a shooting scene, in a very cinematic way. The only catch would be the unexpected level-mindedness, self-control and skill of the girl.
This line, I think, is what makes this story work for me: This was not the way it was supposed to go. She had given up her purse. He was supposed to go away now, not kill the poor cashier for not moving fast enough.
That line's got a lot of character in it. The stasis of our lives can be very strong, and she's skipping from habit to habit to habit here, in an attempt to survive; and when she does, the world is different.
I liked this one.
That line's got a lot of character in it. The stasis of our lives can be very strong, and she's skipping from habit to habit to habit here, in an attempt to survive; and when she does, the world is different.
I liked this one.
Well, as a firearms enthusiast and staunch supporter of the 2nd amendment, this story automatically get's a few bonus points for catering to my biases. But beyond that, it's well written, and the protagonists reactions, emotions, and behaviors all ring very true. The terror, the disbelief, the muscle memory, the way things don't happen like they do on TV... Very well done and well put together. Definitely high on my slate (bonus points not withstanding. :) )
Well, this certainly comes out swinging with strong emotions. For some reason, this round my reading seems to be getting caught on an awful lot of little nitpicks; I might as well share them as examples of things that pulled from my engagement, and in hopes they're helpful with editing.
I'm just gonna say that you've got a very unique protagonist if she reads Coates for fun and carries a concealed revolver. Not impossible; people break stereotypes all the time. But gun culture is largely conservative culture and TNC is very much not a conservative author. I'm much more curious about how the protagonist bridges that gap than I am about the shooting, honestly. Obviously there are family foundations to her gun ownership, but the tension there is left unexplored.
Uh, what caliber is this gun, exactly? "Blowing a hole in the floor" implies more than just the little dot of a round penetrating.
And I appreciate that this story ends on an ambiguous note (and describes the screams of the customers), so that it's not trying to make some sort of moral statement on her actions. Because, while gun control is a contentious and complex topic, the one fact I hope is beyond debate is that she was the one who escalated the situation from threats to gunfire. I hope to gods she didn't accidentally miss (as she continued to fire, emptying the gun) and kill any bystanders; and it's damn lucky for everyone that she managed to hit with the first shot before the mugger noticed her and started firing back, because nothing gets bystanders killed like crossfire. That she's directly responsible for one death is very nearly the optimal outcome here.
As strong as this is, I feel like it's the prologue to the real story. It's a very tense and vivid scene, but it sets up much bigger fallout.
Despite that and my general reservations about covering such a big story in such a small space, I think this is going near the top of my ballot. Just don't take my vote as an endorsement of this as a complete tale.
Tier: Top Contender
All she wanted to do this afternoon was settle down in a window seat at the sandwich shop and read Ta-Nehisi Coates's latest book.
I'm just gonna say that you've got a very unique protagonist if she reads Coates for fun and carries a concealed revolver. Not impossible; people break stereotypes all the time. But gun culture is largely conservative culture and TNC is very much not a conservative author. I'm much more curious about how the protagonist bridges that gap than I am about the shooting, honestly. Obviously there are family foundations to her gun ownership, but the tension there is left unexplored.
All she could think of was the people at the firing range calling her little revolver tiny and weak…
She lowered her aim as he dropped and fired again, the last shot passing through his side and blowing a hole in the floor as he landed in a welter of blood.
Uh, what caliber is this gun, exactly? "Blowing a hole in the floor" implies more than just the little dot of a round penetrating.
And I appreciate that this story ends on an ambiguous note (and describes the screams of the customers), so that it's not trying to make some sort of moral statement on her actions. Because, while gun control is a contentious and complex topic, the one fact I hope is beyond debate is that she was the one who escalated the situation from threats to gunfire. I hope to gods she didn't accidentally miss (as she continued to fire, emptying the gun) and kill any bystanders; and it's damn lucky for everyone that she managed to hit with the first shot before the mugger noticed her and started firing back, because nothing gets bystanders killed like crossfire. That she's directly responsible for one death is very nearly the optimal outcome here.
As strong as this is, I feel like it's the prologue to the real story. It's a very tense and vivid scene, but it sets up much bigger fallout.
Despite that and my general reservations about covering such a big story in such a small space, I think this is going near the top of my ballot. Just don't take my vote as an endorsement of this as a complete tale.
Tier: Top Contender
Seven Word Review
People kill people with guns, a tragedy
(And done! With five minutes to spare :D)
People kill people with guns, a tragedy
(And done! With five minutes to spare :D)
Nobody Move was mine. (#5 place, yea!) It is based in an incident I’m going to have written into the middle of Farmer Bruner Has Some Ponies, a EiH story in development. It will be based on an incident where Claire (one of the POV characters) is involved in an attempted robbery. Concealed Carry is fairly popular in this area of the country, and armed robbery (for some reason) not so much.
Sometimes, the sheer density of guns in Kansas is a little overwhelming for the anti-gun crowd, particularly in Lawrence (KU). Considering that every rural high school in the state nearly becomes depopulated during the first days of deer/quail/pheasant season, and that the most popular woodworking project in our high school shop is still custom walnut stocks for hunting rifles/shotguns, guns are a normal thing to grow up around. Four or five guns in a household is not an armory, it’s a good starter on a normal collection. Even back in the ‘80s when I went to college, there were several people that I knew of who carried concealed on campus. Illegal, yes. Practical when walking through a dark campus on the way back to the dorms, certainly. Still going on today, absolutely. Kept very quiet by the people who are doing it, certainly.
Something to consider when writing about guns what happens to the bullets after they’re fired. For you technogunnerds, Claire is carrying a 9mm Ruger Lightweight Compact Revolver in a Sneaky Pete holster, but still, even with P+ hollow points, it beats the FBI standard for penetration of 12-15 inches. A non-center of mass shot will blow right through with enough energy to do serious damage to whatever is behind the target. Thankfully for the last round, it was the floor. And the perp. Now the *other* 2-3 shots that hit him were roughly center-of-mass, and if they do exit, they’re not going to kill anybody except in very bad-luck circumstances.
At 15 feet at the gun range, this pistol can turn out five inch groups. Since the robber just pistol-whipped the POV character, then turned his back to point his gun at the cash register attendant, he’s a lot closer BUT a few quick Google searches can give you several Cop/Perp shootouts at roughly the same range where *both* sides emptied their guns and did not lethally hit each other. Between adrenaline, distractions, jerking the shot, the New York mandated police 12 pound pull trigger, and just plain dumb luck, weird stuff happens. Still, getting 3-4 shots out of 5 onto the target in that situation is pretty good, and better than a lot of police shootings.
Link to the Hickock45 review of the LCR9
However… simply carrying a gun is not an answer unless the question is “How can I wind up shooting myself or somebody else by accident?” A responsible gun owner is familiar with their weapons, does NOT treat them casually, follows the four rules of gun safety, and practices with them regularly. A quality gun safe is a must in any house with small (under 21) children. Please don’t store your guns like the elderly couple our 4-H group was doing estate auction assistance with (they had gone into a retirement home) and put them behind the refrigerator and loose under the bed. (looks back) Ok, enough ranting.
Comments:
>>Ceffyl_Dwr - Thank you very much for your kind words.
>>bloons3 - There were a couple darker ones, including #1 Sit-In, which featured global thermonuclear war, but yes, there were a lot of weapons and fatalities in this writeoff.
>>ZaidValRoa - Shock has a way of making you feel about two feet behind and above your body with everything around you being dull and featureless. In police shootings, it can take two days for a witness to remember all of the details (discounting false memories and subtle promptings, of course).
>>Monokeras - It is said a conservative is a liberal who has been mugged. Some of the most ardent concealed carry advocates are members of standard liberal groups who have suffered an assault of some sort, only to discover restraining orders and 911 calls have little influence on a violent offender. Pink Pistols are a good example. Even Bernie Sanders is quite pro-gun.
>>Not_A_Hat - During a sudden unexpected event, people can ‘twig’ on the strangest things because of the adrenaline surge. We watch TV and movies, which gives us a sense of ‘the way things are supposed to go’ whenever something we have not experienced before happens to us. More people have been killed by trains because they just stand there and lock up like a deer in the headlights.
>>TheCyanRecluse - Welcome fellow gun enthusiast. My objective with this *was* to emotionally involve the reader just as deeply into the POV character as possible while still using Third Person Past Tense.
>>billymorph - People killing people with guns is a tragedy. People killing violent criminals, not so much.
>>horizon - Winston Churchill said, “Nothing in life is so exhilarating as to be shot at without result.” I tried my best to start out as normal as I could so the shock of the robbery would be greater. As before, a liberal political point of view does not preclude a person from taking a practical stand when it comes to protecting their own life. The number of women at our gun range is almost at parity with men, because God made man, but Sam Colt made them equal (bad paraphrase, but you get what I’m saying)
And here we hit the lawyers. Ain’t this fun.
Massad Ayoob states it best when he explains, “Deadly force is justified only when undertaken to prevent imminent and otherwise unavoidable danger of death or grave bodily harm to the innocent.”
US gun laws are a patchwork mess. In roughly 20 states, what Claire did is perfectly legal. She used lethal force on a violent criminal who was in the act of committing a crime to prevent somebody else from getting shot. In Texas, for example, the police will most probably nod and comment about her shot placement, and that she should consider getting a larger carry weapon. In some other states, her actions are problematical, as she was not being *directly* threatened at the time of her first shot. In some of those states, she might be charged, possibly even convicted of manslaughter if she gets an aggressive district attorney, a bad lawyer, and a gullible jury.
In a few very select states (New Jersey, for example), she would wind up in court and prosecuted. If she was really smart and got a lawyer before talking to the police, she might get out of it with a warning or probation, but the perp’s family will promptly sue, and might even win since they only need ⅔ of the jury to vote in their favor, and a long string of wailing relatives detailing the poor child’s recent conversion to the priesthood and impending sainthood will certainly line up at the witness stand.
If you’re in *any* state, after identifying yourself to the police by producing identification and complying with their orders to turn over the weapon (probably not in that order), you should promptly demand to speak with your lawyer, and not to speak with the police until the lawyer shows up (and not then either.)
In short, try not to shoot anybody unless you have to. And if you do, get your lawyer immediately.
Sometimes, the sheer density of guns in Kansas is a little overwhelming for the anti-gun crowd, particularly in Lawrence (KU). Considering that every rural high school in the state nearly becomes depopulated during the first days of deer/quail/pheasant season, and that the most popular woodworking project in our high school shop is still custom walnut stocks for hunting rifles/shotguns, guns are a normal thing to grow up around. Four or five guns in a household is not an armory, it’s a good starter on a normal collection. Even back in the ‘80s when I went to college, there were several people that I knew of who carried concealed on campus. Illegal, yes. Practical when walking through a dark campus on the way back to the dorms, certainly. Still going on today, absolutely. Kept very quiet by the people who are doing it, certainly.
Something to consider when writing about guns what happens to the bullets after they’re fired. For you technogunnerds, Claire is carrying a 9mm Ruger Lightweight Compact Revolver in a Sneaky Pete holster, but still, even with P+ hollow points, it beats the FBI standard for penetration of 12-15 inches. A non-center of mass shot will blow right through with enough energy to do serious damage to whatever is behind the target. Thankfully for the last round, it was the floor. And the perp. Now the *other* 2-3 shots that hit him were roughly center-of-mass, and if they do exit, they’re not going to kill anybody except in very bad-luck circumstances.
At 15 feet at the gun range, this pistol can turn out five inch groups. Since the robber just pistol-whipped the POV character, then turned his back to point his gun at the cash register attendant, he’s a lot closer BUT a few quick Google searches can give you several Cop/Perp shootouts at roughly the same range where *both* sides emptied their guns and did not lethally hit each other. Between adrenaline, distractions, jerking the shot, the New York mandated police 12 pound pull trigger, and just plain dumb luck, weird stuff happens. Still, getting 3-4 shots out of 5 onto the target in that situation is pretty good, and better than a lot of police shootings.
Link to the Hickock45 review of the LCR9
However… simply carrying a gun is not an answer unless the question is “How can I wind up shooting myself or somebody else by accident?” A responsible gun owner is familiar with their weapons, does NOT treat them casually, follows the four rules of gun safety, and practices with them regularly. A quality gun safe is a must in any house with small (under 21) children. Please don’t store your guns like the elderly couple our 4-H group was doing estate auction assistance with (they had gone into a retirement home) and put them behind the refrigerator and loose under the bed. (looks back) Ok, enough ranting.
Comments:
>>Ceffyl_Dwr - Thank you very much for your kind words.
>>bloons3 - There were a couple darker ones, including #1 Sit-In, which featured global thermonuclear war, but yes, there were a lot of weapons and fatalities in this writeoff.
>>ZaidValRoa - Shock has a way of making you feel about two feet behind and above your body with everything around you being dull and featureless. In police shootings, it can take two days for a witness to remember all of the details (discounting false memories and subtle promptings, of course).
>>Monokeras - It is said a conservative is a liberal who has been mugged. Some of the most ardent concealed carry advocates are members of standard liberal groups who have suffered an assault of some sort, only to discover restraining orders and 911 calls have little influence on a violent offender. Pink Pistols are a good example. Even Bernie Sanders is quite pro-gun.
>>Not_A_Hat - During a sudden unexpected event, people can ‘twig’ on the strangest things because of the adrenaline surge. We watch TV and movies, which gives us a sense of ‘the way things are supposed to go’ whenever something we have not experienced before happens to us. More people have been killed by trains because they just stand there and lock up like a deer in the headlights.
>>TheCyanRecluse - Welcome fellow gun enthusiast. My objective with this *was* to emotionally involve the reader just as deeply into the POV character as possible while still using Third Person Past Tense.
>>billymorph - People killing people with guns is a tragedy. People killing violent criminals, not so much.
>>horizon - Winston Churchill said, “Nothing in life is so exhilarating as to be shot at without result.” I tried my best to start out as normal as I could so the shock of the robbery would be greater. As before, a liberal political point of view does not preclude a person from taking a practical stand when it comes to protecting their own life. The number of women at our gun range is almost at parity with men, because God made man, but Sam Colt made them equal (bad paraphrase, but you get what I’m saying)
And here we hit the lawyers. Ain’t this fun.
Massad Ayoob states it best when he explains, “Deadly force is justified only when undertaken to prevent imminent and otherwise unavoidable danger of death or grave bodily harm to the innocent.”
US gun laws are a patchwork mess. In roughly 20 states, what Claire did is perfectly legal. She used lethal force on a violent criminal who was in the act of committing a crime to prevent somebody else from getting shot. In Texas, for example, the police will most probably nod and comment about her shot placement, and that she should consider getting a larger carry weapon. In some other states, her actions are problematical, as she was not being *directly* threatened at the time of her first shot. In some of those states, she might be charged, possibly even convicted of manslaughter if she gets an aggressive district attorney, a bad lawyer, and a gullible jury.
In a few very select states (New Jersey, for example), she would wind up in court and prosecuted. If she was really smart and got a lawyer before talking to the police, she might get out of it with a warning or probation, but the perp’s family will promptly sue, and might even win since they only need ⅔ of the jury to vote in their favor, and a long string of wailing relatives detailing the poor child’s recent conversion to the priesthood and impending sainthood will certainly line up at the witness stand.
If you’re in *any* state, after identifying yourself to the police by producing identification and complying with their orders to turn over the weapon (probably not in that order), you should promptly demand to speak with your lawyer, and not to speak with the police until the lawyer shows up (and not then either.)
In short, try not to shoot anybody unless you have to. And if you do, get your lawyer immediately.