Hey! It looks like you're new here. You might want to check out the introduction.
Show rules for this event
Parmesan
"Hi," Alice smiled from the hallway.
"Hi?" Franz looked at her through the crack of the door. From what she could see he was in his pajamas, probably on his way to bed. The thought made her slightly uncomfortable, but all the more eager.
"Really sorry for waking you up, but I was wondering if I could borrow some Parmesan?" She shivered as she asked the question. Worst icebreaker in the history of the world. Great job, Alice. All those public speaking classes sure went to good use.
"Parmesan?" The man asked in a level voice. His accent was showing. Definitely Austrian. Or maybe German? "You want Parmesan?"
"It's embarrassing, but I ran out and—" The door closed shut mid-sentence.
Well, that takes care of that. Her shoulders relaxed slightly as she shifted her weight to her left leg. Not what she had hoped, but not surprising either. He must think I'm an idiot. Or a maniac. Shitty ten to ten work schedule! I bet—
A sliding metallic sound broke the night's quiet. Moments later the door opened halfway.
"What do you need Parmesan for?" Franz asked. He looked a bit shorter than Alice expected him to. Of course, this was the first time she had actually seen him up close.
"Just to make a sandwich," Alice replied casually, surprising even herself. Her calm demeanor was capable of convincing anyone anything, even if the words made no sense whatsoever. And now he probably thinks I'm crazy too.
"Is that before or after your midnight jog?" He smirked.
"Huh?" Alice looked down at her clothes, as if someone had magically transformed them into something new. Just the average blue and white set she always wore at home—nothing to look at, but divinely comfortable. Again, nice work, Alice! Thinking you could win this one with charm, sloppy clothes, and a Battlestar Galactica T-shirt. "Oh, this isn't for jogging. Just something I wear."
"I see." He leaned on the wall. "And it's normal for you to wake someone up in the middle of the night and ask for Parmesan cheese?" His English was way too formal, in a sweet, yet slightly weird sort of way.
"Well, yea?" She shifted her weight again. This was a bad idea. I can't believe I'm actually going on with it!
"What's your name?" Frank crossed his arms. Bad sign. Based on Alice's books on body language that meant he was defensive and closed to any suggestions.
"Alice. Alice Greene." I noticed you around. I find you very attractive. The lyrics of the stupid song popped into her mind. At this point she might as well use them. It wasn't like she'd do much worse. "I've noticed y—"
"Alice," he repeated her name, as if it were a medical condition. "You came here at this late hour, woke me up, and asked for Parmesan cheese?" His jaw clenched slightly at every word.
So much for that plan. Alice bit on the corner of her lip, while maintaining a guilty smile. Not sure if he's stupid or I am...
"And you didn't even check I'm a vegan." He shook his head twice, lips pursed.
"A vegan?" What the what? Franz opened the door a bit more, then tapped loudly on a large green sticker put in its center. The words Vegan is a state of mind! stared back at Alice, mocking her. "Oh..." It's official. I'm an idiot. And so is he! "I guess I'll go now..."
She took a step back, shoulders all tensed up again. Of all her bad ideas, this had to be in the top fifty, though worthy of a special mention. Parmesan indeed! Alice expected the door to slam in her face. That's what she would do if the situation was reversed. Instead, Franz just laughed.
"Next time, just please ask for a cup of coffee," he moved aside leaving enough space for her to pass. "There'll be much less confusion that way."
"Hi?" Franz looked at her through the crack of the door. From what she could see he was in his pajamas, probably on his way to bed. The thought made her slightly uncomfortable, but all the more eager.
"Really sorry for waking you up, but I was wondering if I could borrow some Parmesan?" She shivered as she asked the question. Worst icebreaker in the history of the world. Great job, Alice. All those public speaking classes sure went to good use.
"Parmesan?" The man asked in a level voice. His accent was showing. Definitely Austrian. Or maybe German? "You want Parmesan?"
"It's embarrassing, but I ran out and—" The door closed shut mid-sentence.
Well, that takes care of that. Her shoulders relaxed slightly as she shifted her weight to her left leg. Not what she had hoped, but not surprising either. He must think I'm an idiot. Or a maniac. Shitty ten to ten work schedule! I bet—
A sliding metallic sound broke the night's quiet. Moments later the door opened halfway.
"What do you need Parmesan for?" Franz asked. He looked a bit shorter than Alice expected him to. Of course, this was the first time she had actually seen him up close.
"Just to make a sandwich," Alice replied casually, surprising even herself. Her calm demeanor was capable of convincing anyone anything, even if the words made no sense whatsoever. And now he probably thinks I'm crazy too.
"Is that before or after your midnight jog?" He smirked.
"Huh?" Alice looked down at her clothes, as if someone had magically transformed them into something new. Just the average blue and white set she always wore at home—nothing to look at, but divinely comfortable. Again, nice work, Alice! Thinking you could win this one with charm, sloppy clothes, and a Battlestar Galactica T-shirt. "Oh, this isn't for jogging. Just something I wear."
"I see." He leaned on the wall. "And it's normal for you to wake someone up in the middle of the night and ask for Parmesan cheese?" His English was way too formal, in a sweet, yet slightly weird sort of way.
"Well, yea?" She shifted her weight again. This was a bad idea. I can't believe I'm actually going on with it!
"What's your name?" Frank crossed his arms. Bad sign. Based on Alice's books on body language that meant he was defensive and closed to any suggestions.
"Alice. Alice Greene." I noticed you around. I find you very attractive. The lyrics of the stupid song popped into her mind. At this point she might as well use them. It wasn't like she'd do much worse. "I've noticed y—"
"Alice," he repeated her name, as if it were a medical condition. "You came here at this late hour, woke me up, and asked for Parmesan cheese?" His jaw clenched slightly at every word.
So much for that plan. Alice bit on the corner of her lip, while maintaining a guilty smile. Not sure if he's stupid or I am...
"And you didn't even check I'm a vegan." He shook his head twice, lips pursed.
"A vegan?" What the what? Franz opened the door a bit more, then tapped loudly on a large green sticker put in its center. The words Vegan is a state of mind! stared back at Alice, mocking her. "Oh..." It's official. I'm an idiot. And so is he! "I guess I'll go now..."
She took a step back, shoulders all tensed up again. Of all her bad ideas, this had to be in the top fifty, though worthy of a special mention. Parmesan indeed! Alice expected the door to slam in her face. That's what she would do if the situation was reversed. Instead, Franz just laughed.
"Next time, just please ask for a cup of coffee," he moved aside leaving enough space for her to pass. "There'll be much less confusion that way."
Off to a bit of a rocky start here. I don't know if you intended 'Alice smiled' in the first line as an action tag or a saidism, but it reads like a saidism, which I dislike.
Second paragraph, you have actor confusion; it starts out as Frank's paragraph, but then moves to what Alice is doing, which makes things a bit confusing.
The ending felt like something of a subversion, which I liked. This story could, perhaps, be better if it was a little more information-dense; you have lines like "His accent was showing. Definitely Austrian. Or maybe German?" which work just fine, but also don't do a whole lot to advance your plot. The more meaning you can cram into fewer words, the more room you'll have to work with in short wordcount pieces.
Second paragraph, you have actor confusion; it starts out as Frank's paragraph, but then moves to what Alice is doing, which makes things a bit confusing.
The ending felt like something of a subversion, which I liked. This story could, perhaps, be better if it was a little more information-dense; you have lines like "His accent was showing. Definitely Austrian. Or maybe German?" which work just fine, but also don't do a whole lot to advance your plot. The more meaning you can cram into fewer words, the more room you'll have to work with in short wordcount pieces.
Franz must be a prime übermensch if it leads to ignore some glaring signs. Good on Alice, you go get some, girl!
As it has been said, that's an interesting twist at the end, and while it closes all in a nice bow I can't help but wish there was more to the story, so we could better sympathise with Alice.
It was an entertaining little story, but nothing to write home about.
As it has been said, that's an interesting twist at the end, and while it closes all in a nice bow I can't help but wish there was more to the story, so we could better sympathise with Alice.
It was an entertaining little story, but nothing to write home about.
Hmm, an interesting attempt at folding the prompt into a romantic "pick up" story, but... why would she do it in the middle of the night when she wakes him up? She said she's seen him around, so there are at least some times where she's awake/home at the same time he is, so why not do this then? I think the story also tries too hard to leave us "guessing" at what will happen. The door-closed-in-face thing (when really he's just undoing the chain) is a rather old trope, and it feels tedious to have her panic there. Lastly, is it Franz or Frank? He's called both at points.
Negatives said, I think this one would do better with more length. We need to understand Alice a little better before we see her in this situation. She's doing something extremely out of character for her it seems, yet we have no basis for her character to start with. So you've made it extra difficult on yourself to show us who she is. It's a bit like introducing a famous musician with a scene where they're throwing out the opening pitch at a baseball game. An interesting/key point in their career, sure, but not the best example of it.
Negatives said, I think this one would do better with more length. We need to understand Alice a little better before we see her in this situation. She's doing something extremely out of character for her it seems, yet we have no basis for her character to start with. So you've made it extra difficult on yourself to show us who she is. It's a bit like introducing a famous musician with a scene where they're throwing out the opening pitch at a baseball game. An interesting/key point in their career, sure, but not the best example of it.
I'm assuming this is an apartment building, but the description was sparse. A few grammar glitches, but nothing too egregious for a writeoff.
The dialog and body language worked fairly well, but I did get mixed signals sometimes. His jaw clenched? The ending had a fun little twist, but as others have noted, nothing really earth shaking.
Overall, it was a pleasant read.
The dialog and body language worked fairly well, but I did get mixed signals sometimes. His jaw clenched? The ending had a fun little twist, but as others have noted, nothing really earth shaking.
Overall, it was a pleasant read.
Another fic trying to attempt something a little different with the prompt; I approve. The opening two lines are pretty weak, though, and didn't really hook me in the way they perhaps should. I also don't think that Alice showed enough signs for Franz-Frank to really interpret the situation the way he does... I think because her motivations and feelings were mainly delivered through her internal dialogue and the parts of her body language we do get didn't feel strong enough to sell the idea.
A decent read though, despite these issues, and Alice felt alive as a character. Thanks for sharing your work.
A decent read though, despite these issues, and Alice felt alive as a character. Thanks for sharing your work.
The awkwardness made me think of The Big Bang theory. It's a fun read, but the fic is overly telly, because you deliver the same information twice: once describing Alice's body language and once more by explicitly telling us what she thinks, which is pointless. We should infer that from the dialogue and the body language alone.
Otherwise I agree that knocking at one's neighbour's door at night to ask for parmeggiano is one of the stupidest idea to break the ice, even if said neighbour is a hunk/dish.
Otherwise I agree that knocking at one's neighbour's door at night to ask for parmeggiano is one of the stupidest idea to break the ice, even if said neighbour is a hunk/dish.
