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Why, hello, Background Person. I don't suppose you play the lyre and are haunted by a particular melody from deep within your soul?
This one suffers from the same shortcoming than 70% of the other stories I read this round: it is *not* a story, it is a scene from a bigger story. There’s no world building, we’re confronted with characters who disappear as soon as they’ve appeared (travel mates of the captain), and we’re thrown in at the deep end by a beginning in media res. I understand this type of hook saves you from the burden of world building, but the net result is that you leave the reader slogging through the text to find pieces that at the end they can assemble to form a coherent background. I’m not sure what disease they fight against, where it did appear, what exactly they’re looking for or what a Lyramire is. You tried to pack too much info into a very short space, and a lot of what you put in the recipe is left dangling and unexplained.
a quiet town in rural Belarus: that’s an outstanding example of a double pleonasm in four words: quiet/rural and rural/Belarus. Kudos for that!
Review to come tomorrow. I need sleep
Review to come tomorrow. I need sleep
I would think:
That going to explore an alien planet where you can't detect anything that's actually there is an invitiation to get eaten by the local equivalent of a bear, poisoned by alien pollen, crushed in a landslide, or washed away in a flashflood.
Letting the newcomers sense the world around them would also give the story more conflict, author. The newcomers could be working for the society that our narrator and the others have all left behind, but they're explorers because they also don't much care for the artificial bubble that society lives in. The narrator can then give the newcomers the choice of tearing their antennae out and staying or being killed. That would also give you a chance to present the infodump in the middle as dialogue when our narrator explains to the newcomers why the settlers are there. Just a thought.
Mike
That going to explore an alien planet where you can't detect anything that's actually there is an invitiation to get eaten by the local equivalent of a bear, poisoned by alien pollen, crushed in a landslide, or washed away in a flashflood.
Letting the newcomers sense the world around them would also give the story more conflict, author. The newcomers could be working for the society that our narrator and the others have all left behind, but they're explorers because they also don't much care for the artificial bubble that society lives in. The narrator can then give the newcomers the choice of tearing their antennae out and staying or being killed. That would also give you a chance to present the infodump in the middle as dialogue when our narrator explains to the newcomers why the settlers are there. Just a thought.
Mike
>>Monokeras
You wouldn’t jump off a bridge if Cassius did, would you?
I’m going to comment on this later.
You wouldn’t jump off a bridge if Cassius did, would you?
I’m going to comment on this later.
My review:
Characters and Dialogue: Altogether, I think the main think lacking from this story is more information on the main character (narrator), and also a little bit more consistency from her; her cocky narration doesn't sound much like her dialogue. We don't even know what exactly her situation is, other than that she appears to have leaked some vital documents and gotten her contact killed. Not only am I not rooting for her as a reader, but it's left ambiguous as to why the soothsayer considers her a "friend to people with strange abilities."
Other than that, the dialogue is interesting enough. Some lines are still a little confusing to me, though ("I only joined for the credit" / "It's not my fault the flag does nothing for me" / "I’m one of me. Trite, I know, but it’s the truth"). Some of these could possibly be clearer, if we knew more of the background.
Plot and Pacing: The overall layout is a bit weird in retrospect. Too many words, in my opinion, are spent explaining something that turns out to be irrelevant to the story—namely, the crowd-searching abilities (or lack thereof) of psychics. I'd rather have more action, dialogue, or elaboration of the relevant events that led up to this point.
Style, Flow, and Grammar: I've already mentioned that I'm not a fan of the condescending attitude of the narration, but the flow and sentence construction itself seems fine. It was convincingly and consistently casual, while not being too dry.
Final: Altogether, this story had a lot of potential, but it's understandable if it would require more than 24 hours to perfectly present it. This will go somewhere in the middle of my ballot.
Characters and Dialogue: Altogether, I think the main think lacking from this story is more information on the main character (narrator), and also a little bit more consistency from her; her cocky narration doesn't sound much like her dialogue. We don't even know what exactly her situation is, other than that she appears to have leaked some vital documents and gotten her contact killed. Not only am I not rooting for her as a reader, but it's left ambiguous as to why the soothsayer considers her a "friend to people with strange abilities."
Other than that, the dialogue is interesting enough. Some lines are still a little confusing to me, though ("I only joined for the credit" / "It's not my fault the flag does nothing for me" / "I’m one of me. Trite, I know, but it’s the truth"). Some of these could possibly be clearer, if we knew more of the background.
Plot and Pacing: The overall layout is a bit weird in retrospect. Too many words, in my opinion, are spent explaining something that turns out to be irrelevant to the story—namely, the crowd-searching abilities (or lack thereof) of psychics. I'd rather have more action, dialogue, or elaboration of the relevant events that led up to this point.
Style, Flow, and Grammar: I've already mentioned that I'm not a fan of the condescending attitude of the narration, but the flow and sentence construction itself seems fine. It was convincingly and consistently casual, while not being too dry.
Final: Altogether, this story had a lot of potential, but it's understandable if it would require more than 24 hours to perfectly present it. This will go somewhere in the middle of my ballot.
My review:
Style, Form, and Grammar: This story, out of all of them that I've read so far, stands head and shoulders above the rest in terms of quality wordsmithing. I'm not much one for poetry, but I can tell that this is quality stuff, both in how the actual lines are written, as well as how it tells the story. The only thing that sort of confused me, is how there's a consistent ABAB rhyme scheme, but the stanzas are only three lines each.
If I had to pick a weakest part, though, I'd probably say part I (for its mundane subject matter, and my repeated inability to find the right meter for speaking it aloud), which as I'm sure you know, is the most unfortunate part to be the weak link. I was definitely hooked by the later parts, though.
Plot and Pacing: The plot is novel, not too much and not too little for a flash poem like this. It also suits Medusa's "ancient epic" vibe nicely; we naturally get the impression that she wrote it herself.
Pacing is also superior, and the flashback to the bit with her sisters fits perfectly and gives just the right amount of detail.
Characters and Dialogue: I find myself torn (in maybe 90% a good way, and only 10% a confusing way) whether to view Medusa as an antihero, or villain-turned-good, or essentially-good-all-along. Because while she's cleverer and/or more peaceful than her sisters, she also seemed to give up the habit of petrifying people for selfish reasons, at least originally. But hey, the epics of old were like that, weren't they?
Final: With only a few contestants left for me to read, this story will usurp the top of my ballot.
Style, Form, and Grammar: This story, out of all of them that I've read so far, stands head and shoulders above the rest in terms of quality wordsmithing. I'm not much one for poetry, but I can tell that this is quality stuff, both in how the actual lines are written, as well as how it tells the story. The only thing that sort of confused me, is how there's a consistent ABAB rhyme scheme, but the stanzas are only three lines each.
If I had to pick a weakest part, though, I'd probably say part I (for its mundane subject matter, and my repeated inability to find the right meter for speaking it aloud), which as I'm sure you know, is the most unfortunate part to be the weak link. I was definitely hooked by the later parts, though.
Plot and Pacing: The plot is novel, not too much and not too little for a flash poem like this. It also suits Medusa's "ancient epic" vibe nicely; we naturally get the impression that she wrote it herself.
Pacing is also superior, and the flashback to the bit with her sisters fits perfectly and gives just the right amount of detail.
Characters and Dialogue: I find myself torn (in maybe 90% a good way, and only 10% a confusing way) whether to view Medusa as an antihero, or villain-turned-good, or essentially-good-all-along. Because while she's cleverer and/or more peaceful than her sisters, she also seemed to give up the habit of petrifying people for selfish reasons, at least originally. But hey, the epics of old were like that, weren't they?
Final: With only a few contestants left for me to read, this story will usurp the top of my ballot.
Was this meant to be "Bulls-eye"? If not, whatever it was going for has gone over my head. Wiktionary defines "seye" as an obsolete form of "say", and I can't imagine what "Bull-say" could mean in the context of this story.
The opening starts off with a lot of tension--the main character is staring down the barrel of a gu--err, crossbow. But from there, it goes onto conversation, a bit of light-heartedness, and then some more conversation. So I agree with Mono's sentiment that "the opening line is like a promise you never keep"--with a story this short, the opening sets the tone for the rest of the story, and the tones here and later are quite different.
Near the end of the story, it's revealed that the crossbow's sight is actually the ring of a king, but without any build up to this reveal, it comes off less as a dramatic reveal and more like new information in an introduction. It raises questions in the second act--Was the main character the one who put it there? If so, what is his goal? With the story ending immediately after, this makes the story feel incomplete--instead of tying up loose ends, it introduces some. I want to say that someone else put it there after stealing it and he's picking it up, with the guard as an unknowing middleman, but then he puts the ring back in the crossbow, which seems to shoot down that theory.
I feel like I'm missing some important clues. (I also have no idea what "will" means at the very end.)
11th hour edit: Addendum to previous theory; the ring thief is the duke that the guard is setting out with, and the guard is in on it. (Thanks to Paracompact's review for some information I'd missed before.) In light of that, I like this story more now, but I stand by what I said before about tension and tone.
The opening starts off with a lot of tension--the main character is staring down the barrel of a gu--err, crossbow. But from there, it goes onto conversation, a bit of light-heartedness, and then some more conversation. So I agree with Mono's sentiment that "the opening line is like a promise you never keep"--with a story this short, the opening sets the tone for the rest of the story, and the tones here and later are quite different.
Near the end of the story, it's revealed that the crossbow's sight is actually the ring of a king, but without any build up to this reveal, it comes off less as a dramatic reveal and more like new information in an introduction. It raises questions in the second act--Was the main character the one who put it there? If so, what is his goal? With the story ending immediately after, this makes the story feel incomplete--instead of tying up loose ends, it introduces some. I want to say that someone else put it there after stealing it and he's picking it up, with the guard as an unknowing middleman, but then he puts the ring back in the crossbow, which seems to shoot down that theory.
I feel like I'm missing some important clues. (I also have no idea what "will" means at the very end.)
11th hour edit: Addendum to previous theory; the ring thief is the duke that the guard is setting out with, and the guard is in on it. (Thanks to Paracompact's review for some information I'd missed before.) In light of that, I like this story more now, but I stand by what I said before about tension and tone.
"Ronald Baloney" is a pretty interesting name, though I feel like its inclusion here detracts more than it adds to the story.
The story itself is solid, though I didn't know the source material without HiTime providing its name. And after reading its Wikipedia summary, it feels uncomfortably close to that--I feel like the author is going for homage, with the "Baloney" reference, but with little difference in story progression, it also feels more like... well, more than that. In addition, these days, the spouse is always the first suspect--this is a kind of story from the days before DNA evidence and cell phones.
Other Dahlia's dialog blocks feel sort of... well, blocky. They feel more like their own thing than speech that's integrated with the normal flow of narration. It might be good to break it up with actions or other narration, like normal dialog. In addition, Other Dahlia's voice feels kind of chuuni and cartoonish, like in Paracompact's review.
Some minor quibbles:
- Why "Little" Dahlia? For a while, I thought the main character was some kind of abused child bride.
- When she "filled a bucket from the pump", I thought this was referring to gasoline and she was going to torch the house.
- Pouring rain seems like a setting detail that's better introduced earlier in the scene. Also, it sounds like the bucket was also outside since it's mentioned after she leaves the house, so wouldn't it be full of rain water?
- Dahlia's romantic interest in the policeman seems to be brought up and then immediately brushed aside, which feels like it also detracts more than it adds to the story.
The story itself is solid, though I didn't know the source material without HiTime providing its name. And after reading its Wikipedia summary, it feels uncomfortably close to that--I feel like the author is going for homage, with the "Baloney" reference, but with little difference in story progression, it also feels more like... well, more than that. In addition, these days, the spouse is always the first suspect--this is a kind of story from the days before DNA evidence and cell phones.
Other Dahlia's dialog blocks feel sort of... well, blocky. They feel more like their own thing than speech that's integrated with the normal flow of narration. It might be good to break it up with actions or other narration, like normal dialog. In addition, Other Dahlia's voice feels kind of chuuni and cartoonish, like in Paracompact's review.
Some minor quibbles:
- Why "Little" Dahlia? For a while, I thought the main character was some kind of abused child bride.
- When she "filled a bucket from the pump", I thought this was referring to gasoline and she was going to torch the house.
- Pouring rain seems like a setting detail that's better introduced earlier in the scene. Also, it sounds like the bucket was also outside since it's mentioned after she leaves the house, so wouldn't it be full of rain water?
- Dahlia's romantic interest in the policeman seems to be brought up and then immediately brushed aside, which feels like it also detracts more than it adds to the story.
I'm sure there's lots of symbolism here, but as I have little to no knowledge on Greco-Roman mythology past watching Disney's Hercules nearly twenty years ago and what I read on Wikipedia just now, it flies over my head. It's a bit odd to see Hercule(s?) and the Grim Reaper together, though.
The story feels pretty fantastic, in the fantasy sense of the word--rooted in realism, but with touches of myth and magic. I liked that quite a bit. Felt kind of like Fables.
Hercule steals the crown of the King of Death, but it feels like the crown is merely there to give Death a reason to come after Hercule. Without giving it any inherent importance, the crown seems a bit played up--it was "less convincingly shiny and bejeweled" than the fake crowns, after all. Not that there's anything wrong with MacGuffins, but it could use some fleshing out, I think.
On that note, Hercule's motive for stealing the crown in the first place feels rather hand-waved.
The phrase "robbed the King of Death blind" appears twice, but the "blind" part of it doesn't seem to come into play during the story.
> Grimly, the figure turned.
This was cute.
The story feels pretty fantastic, in the fantasy sense of the word--rooted in realism, but with touches of myth and magic. I liked that quite a bit. Felt kind of like Fables.
Hercule steals the crown of the King of Death, but it feels like the crown is merely there to give Death a reason to come after Hercule. Without giving it any inherent importance, the crown seems a bit played up--it was "less convincingly shiny and bejeweled" than the fake crowns, after all. Not that there's anything wrong with MacGuffins, but it could use some fleshing out, I think.
On that note, Hercule's motive for stealing the crown in the first place feels rather hand-waved.
The phrase "robbed the King of Death blind" appears twice, but the "blind" part of it doesn't seem to come into play during the story.
> Grimly, the figure turned.
This was cute.
Okie dokie, I've submitted some art for this event. That was fun! Can't wait to see what other people have created for the art round. :D
I like the idea here a lot:
But a couple things sort of nag at me. First, Asher is kind of a generic character. Give him a little more individuality. I mean, if he's never been to a beach, how does he know that a bucket and shovel are appropriate gear? How does he know what a sand castle is? Do these come from his father's stories? Make us see this specific kid, and we'll care about him even more than we do. And second, the yeoman's line at the end seems way too heavy-handed. The author's job isn't to tell the readers how they should feel. The author's job is to show the readers why they should feel what the author wants them to feel.
Mike
But a couple things sort of nag at me. First, Asher is kind of a generic character. Give him a little more individuality. I mean, if he's never been to a beach, how does he know that a bucket and shovel are appropriate gear? How does he know what a sand castle is? Do these come from his father's stories? Make us see this specific kid, and we'll care about him even more than we do. And second, the yeoman's line at the end seems way too heavy-handed. The author's job isn't to tell the readers how they should feel. The author's job is to show the readers why they should feel what the author wants them to feel.
Mike
I cannot really rank this entry knowing that it leans heavily on another author’s previous work, especially since I didn’t read that other work. I found the name Baloney a bit odd too, I wonder if that has anything to do with the famous Italian sauce.
Beyond that, I won’t offer more and will abstain.
Beyond that, I won’t offer more and will abstain.
I’m not sure I get it. The writing here is more like stream of conciousness. The setup in a fantasy world didn’t help me get involved, all the more than we know the protagonists are not humans (who would chew tarmac?) but their identity is kept secret. I mean, we have two conflicting signals here: a story which unfolds, and we expect a conclusion to it; but instead, we get the reveal of the guy’s race, which means the story was intended to be built around that teveal, but it is not, it’s a story of its own. So, I’m confused and left wondering because I don’t really find any satisfaction in the ending.
I really liked this story personally. I absolutely love the disgusting imagery in the beginning of the tar and cigarettes. I also like the more down to earth feel of the dialogue.
The biggest problem this had was like what hiTime said up there. ^^^ It was a story that led up to a big ending joke. Although, I can’t blame you too much—you had to make a story within 900 words, and make it good.
Also, my city is never under construction and our potholes are always magically fixed so it’s not often that I see traffic cones. After reading this story, however, I have seen at least three in all separate locations just randomly thrown about.
I don’t like this coincidence...
The biggest problem this had was like what hiTime said up there. ^^^ It was a story that led up to a big ending joke. Although, I can’t blame you too much—you had to make a story within 900 words, and make it good.
Also, my city is never under construction and our potholes are always magically fixed so it’s not often that I see traffic cones. After reading this story, however, I have seen at least three in all separate locations just randomly thrown about.
I don’t like this coincidence...
This is a:
Lovely piece of writing, but I'm not sure I can bring myself to call it a story. I mean, when >>Cassius says, "the narrator is an embittered man trapped in an attic with a rotting corpse," I hafta disagree. To my eye, the narrator's someone who's read Lovecraft's story and is using it as the springboard to write a guided mediation on the concept of romantic love. It's a marvelous meditation, but when the author says, "If I wrote the story...", it strikes me as a tacit confession: the author isn't writing a story. I really, really like this, but I think I might hafta abstain in the voting...
Mike
Lovely piece of writing, but I'm not sure I can bring myself to call it a story. I mean, when >>Cassius says, "the narrator is an embittered man trapped in an attic with a rotting corpse," I hafta disagree. To my eye, the narrator's someone who's read Lovecraft's story and is using it as the springboard to write a guided mediation on the concept of romantic love. It's a marvelous meditation, but when the author says, "If I wrote the story...", it strikes me as a tacit confession: the author isn't writing a story. I really, really like this, but I think I might hafta abstain in the voting...
Mike
I'm seeing some really neat ideas in here, author; I'm a recent newcomer to the epic fantasy genre, but for what little ground I've covered, these ideas seem new to me. The tribe searching for a mythical saviour as their only hope from a disease, while the clues seem intent on not allowing this to happen (e.g., scrolls disintegrating). The only thing that felt somewhat reminiscent was the changes happening to Asteria, because it reminded me of Jeff Vandermeer's Annihilation (book or movie, both are great), which uses this concept in an incredibly thrilling way. You have the basis for something like that here, but it's just a few hundred words so it's hard to sink my teeth into the coolness.
Which, as you've seen in the other comments, is sort of the problem. Epic fantasy novels are several hundred thousand words long, and an individual chapter in one of these novels is several thousand on its own. In such a short contest, stripping out all those other chapters and cramming a single chapter into 900 words is, well, it might be good practice, but it won't satisfy a lot of us readers. I recommend starting a lot smaller if you choose to do another minific round. It'll give you more room to write an ending and take us out of the in media res.
By the way, one mistake I've seen in themirror past is trying to shove a bunch of tones into a short span and creating a mess. Comedy, mystery, horror, blah, blah, so forth... So kudos to you for keeping a consistent tone.
I can't rank this highly in the contest, but that doesn't mean this couldn't be turned into a page-turner someday. It would just have to be about 50 times longer!
Which, as you've seen in the other comments, is sort of the problem. Epic fantasy novels are several hundred thousand words long, and an individual chapter in one of these novels is several thousand on its own. In such a short contest, stripping out all those other chapters and cramming a single chapter into 900 words is, well, it might be good practice, but it won't satisfy a lot of us readers. I recommend starting a lot smaller if you choose to do another minific round. It'll give you more room to write an ending and take us out of the in media res.
By the way, one mistake I've seen in the
I can't rank this highly in the contest, but that doesn't mean this couldn't be turned into a page-turner someday. It would just have to be about 50 times longer!
This is excellently done. But I'm a total simpleton when it comes to poetry so I won't dare critique it. Just wanted to stop by and say Hi, and thanks for letting me read this.
I've been thinking more about these original contests and what constitutes "original". Obviously this story fits the rules as nobody owns Medusa (she's her own woman), but is it in the spirit, as Cassius asked of the Asenath story? I'm not sure. It only relies a little bit on us knowing Medusa (she has snakes and petrifies people), so I think it's quite safe in that regard. But still, in this upcoming writeoff meeting, I wonder if a conversation about the extent of originality required in these contests wouldn't be worthwhile. This would be a good example to discuss, among others.
I've been thinking more about these original contests and what constitutes "original". Obviously this story fits the rules as nobody owns Medusa (she's her own woman), but is it in the spirit, as Cassius asked of the Asenath story? I'm not sure. It only relies a little bit on us knowing Medusa (she has snakes and petrifies people), so I think it's quite safe in that regard. But still, in this upcoming writeoff meeting, I wonder if a conversation about the extent of originality required in these contests wouldn't be worthwhile. This would be a good example to discuss, among others.
This concept is a great idea, and I love thinking about all the different things you could do with something like this. Maybe more about how they all came to be, and what happened to the original and her professor. Or more about how they differ from one another (C'mon, surely when they were created they would have split off into a million different paths? Where's Astrophysicist Kimura? President Kimura and Supreme Leader Kimura? That Bartender Kimura down the lane with the overbite who's planning on writing a novel some day?) There's just so many avenues, so many genres, so much fun that could be had with a clone planet, that I want more.
But unfortunately that's what's left me feeling disappointed. I'm not saying I wish you had included more ideas—that wouldn't be fair for a minific round—but I'm more of the feeling that the idea you chose was disappointing. Part of it is because half of your comedy wasn't my style (I liked Zero's curmudgeonly bits; the cute and bashful girls, not so much), but I think it could be boiled down further to Zero himself. He's built up as a straight edge guy, but he does cave pretty easily in the circumstances, so he feels less like he made the transition and more like the narration isn't being honest. We would need more of his iron fist in the scene itself, as has been pointed out.
And he was also an opportunity to have a character who learns about these clones along with us, but instead this story is about him doing his job like any other day.
...Oh my god that's it.
This story didn't need to be about clones. That's what's really bothering me. It could very easily be a story about a policeman interviewing some girls on our planet after an altercation with his subordinates. True, the privates not knowing exactly who the clones are is part of the conflict, but that could happen in our world too. Maybe it was just a group of girls that they didn't get a good look at. Maybe it was nighttime. Hell, they are lying, so maybe their stories are changing and this interview is necessary for Zero to figure out what's really going on. And suddenly clones are no longer necessary in the story.
So yes, that's the crux of this. The potential feels unexplored with the chosen idea.
Anyway, sorry for the stream of consciousness critique but it's pretty much the thought process I just went through. I hope that's helpful anyways. Either way, best of luck, and well done on a great core concept!
But unfortunately that's what's left me feeling disappointed. I'm not saying I wish you had included more ideas—that wouldn't be fair for a minific round—but I'm more of the feeling that the idea you chose was disappointing. Part of it is because half of your comedy wasn't my style (I liked Zero's curmudgeonly bits; the cute and bashful girls, not so much), but I think it could be boiled down further to Zero himself. He's built up as a straight edge guy, but he does cave pretty easily in the circumstances, so he feels less like he made the transition and more like the narration isn't being honest. We would need more of his iron fist in the scene itself, as has been pointed out.
And he was also an opportunity to have a character who learns about these clones along with us, but instead this story is about him doing his job like any other day.
...Oh my god that's it.
This story didn't need to be about clones. That's what's really bothering me. It could very easily be a story about a policeman interviewing some girls on our planet after an altercation with his subordinates. True, the privates not knowing exactly who the clones are is part of the conflict, but that could happen in our world too. Maybe it was just a group of girls that they didn't get a good look at. Maybe it was nighttime. Hell, they are lying, so maybe their stories are changing and this interview is necessary for Zero to figure out what's really going on. And suddenly clones are no longer necessary in the story.
So yes, that's the crux of this. The potential feels unexplored with the chosen idea.
Anyway, sorry for the stream of consciousness critique but it's pretty much the thought process I just went through. I hope that's helpful anyways. Either way, best of luck, and well done on a great core concept!
Everything that >>Baal Bunny said!
But for real, I like what you're trying to do here. The idea of picking a friend/lover and just absolutely disconnecting from fucking everything is something that really hits home with me. Sorry, fellow humans. Sometimes we suck.
But the foolish vulnerability of the newcomers, and the reduction in conflict that this creates makes it harder for me to enjoy it all. But, to go ahead and dispel the notion that I have original thoughts, I'll also agree with what >>HiTime said about the craftmanship on display. It all comes together in a way that's paced well—both in terms of the pace of the action, and the pace at which we receive information—but the whole picture just feels a little short-sighted when we get to it.
But that's all from me. Good luck in the contest!
Edit: Wait, before I go, I just realized that Baal's suggestion would remove the prompt from the story. Not that that matters anymore, but I had another thought—maybe the narrator has the option of being hidden and just killing them as above, but makes the decision to show himself so as to give them a real chance. It might add something to his character?
I'm rambling, and this isn't my story, but I just thought I'd pipe up. I'll go now.
But for real, I like what you're trying to do here. The idea of picking a friend/lover and just absolutely disconnecting from fucking everything is something that really hits home with me. Sorry, fellow humans. Sometimes we suck.
But the foolish vulnerability of the newcomers, and the reduction in conflict that this creates makes it harder for me to enjoy it all. But, to go ahead and dispel the notion that I have original thoughts, I'll also agree with what >>HiTime said about the craftmanship on display. It all comes together in a way that's paced well—both in terms of the pace of the action, and the pace at which we receive information—but the whole picture just feels a little short-sighted when we get to it.
But that's all from me. Good luck in the contest!
Edit: Wait, before I go, I just realized that Baal's suggestion would remove the prompt from the story. Not that that matters anymore, but I had another thought—maybe the narrator has the option of being hidden and just killing them as above, but makes the decision to show himself so as to give them a real chance. It might add something to his character?
I'm rambling, and this isn't my story, but I just thought I'd pipe up. I'll go now.
This is my favourite so far by a lot.
I just, I love shit like this. And I say 'shit' in the most endearing of ways. Subtlety, intrigue, and an open-ended ending, count me all the way the fuck in. But after first and second reading of this story, I still struggled to find out what it was trying to say. Mystery for the sake of mystery just feels like withholding of information, instead of anything worthwhile.
After I've read the third time, though, it's starting to click a little bit. In fact, it all seems so simple now, so maybe I'm about to blab about things already known, but I don't care I'm all excited now. I'm going to spoiler tag this, because people should read the story first and get their own idea before seeing mine.
The title is obviously a clue—it's religious, despite the story not appearing so on first glance. But then I noticed that the visions that each person saw seemed to match their personalities, or more accurately, they give us a window into their personalities. The drunkard begs for forgiveness from what he saw. The political figure sees something invoking a poignant and bloody battle. The children saw something silly. The miscellaneous patients simply saw a great and powerful being.
They're all seeing God, but not the "real" one, so to speak, but their own interpretation of what he might be. What made all this click was when I re-read the ending and understood what had happened. At first I thought the doctor was speaking to the teenager, who walked away mysteriously, but it's the doctor who walks away, and he didn't ask them who they were. He asked the statue. The doctor's just seen his version of God. And he didn't know what to make of him. The doctor represents the intellectuals who are adamant that they don't believe in the notion of God, yet are unable to truly let the big question go. Or, perhaps he's looking at the regular statue, but understanding what's just happened, asked a simple question about what the big idea was, giving everyone visions like that.
One of my favourite things about stories like these is that I could be completely mistaken, and the author might be scratching their heads or laughing at this comment right now. But that doesn't mean my interpretation, or anyone else's, is wrong. And that's kind of what art is. It doesn't have to spout a message at you and shove it in your face, it just has to make you want to find a message, and you can do the rest of the work yourself.
When all this clicked, this story rocketed from a tepid mid-tier story to an easy top-slater. I'm not done all my stories but I think this will safely stay there for feeling the most original, and the most artistic, of the lot.
Thanks for writing!
I just, I love shit like this. And I say 'shit' in the most endearing of ways. Subtlety, intrigue, and an open-ended ending, count me all the way the fuck in. But after first and second reading of this story, I still struggled to find out what it was trying to say. Mystery for the sake of mystery just feels like withholding of information, instead of anything worthwhile.
After I've read the third time, though, it's starting to click a little bit. In fact, it all seems so simple now, so maybe I'm about to blab about things already known, but I don't care I'm all excited now. I'm going to spoiler tag this, because people should read the story first and get their own idea before seeing mine.
The title is obviously a clue—it's religious, despite the story not appearing so on first glance. But then I noticed that the visions that each person saw seemed to match their personalities, or more accurately, they give us a window into their personalities. The drunkard begs for forgiveness from what he saw. The political figure sees something invoking a poignant and bloody battle. The children saw something silly. The miscellaneous patients simply saw a great and powerful being.
They're all seeing God, but not the "real" one, so to speak, but their own interpretation of what he might be. What made all this click was when I re-read the ending and understood what had happened. At first I thought the doctor was speaking to the teenager, who walked away mysteriously, but it's the doctor who walks away, and he didn't ask them who they were. He asked the statue. The doctor's just seen his version of God. And he didn't know what to make of him. The doctor represents the intellectuals who are adamant that they don't believe in the notion of God, yet are unable to truly let the big question go. Or, perhaps he's looking at the regular statue, but understanding what's just happened, asked a simple question about what the big idea was, giving everyone visions like that.
One of my favourite things about stories like these is that I could be completely mistaken, and the author might be scratching their heads or laughing at this comment right now. But that doesn't mean my interpretation, or anyone else's, is wrong. And that's kind of what art is. It doesn't have to spout a message at you and shove it in your face, it just has to make you want to find a message, and you can do the rest of the work yourself.
When all this clicked, this story rocketed from a tepid mid-tier story to an easy top-slater. I'm not done all my stories but I think this will safely stay there for feeling the most original, and the most artistic, of the lot.
Thanks for writing!
My review:
Characters and Dialogue: Apologies, but our MC here wins my "least likable character" award for this contest, and by a landslide. He's condescending and rude to everyone, thinks he's the absolute bomb, and swears in a style that can only be described as disdainful and constantly ticked off. E.g. comedians get away with it, because their swearing is creative, and/or directed at specific targets of frustration that their audience can sympathize with. I just can't think of any redeeming qualities for him (we don't even see any particular skills from him, either; just aiming and shooting once). This is compounded by the fact that the werewolf's /one line/ of dialogue makes him sound like the same person, giving me the impression you never really thought about what his personality might be.
Pretty much every other character besides Garou doesn't even need to be named. What time is spent developing them never goes to use, and only serves to reinforce our MC's pessimistic worldview.
Plot and Pacing: This is another big issue I had. Nothing of relevance occurs besides the shooting of the werewolf (a scene which induced no tension anyway for how short and spontaneous it was); there's just some of the MC's irritating gossip, and him talking to random locals. "A hunter. A rare attack. A meatie. Now it adds up." I could've maybe guessed that Garou shot and killed someone important to the werewolf, but the MC's focus flits around so fast I didn't make the extra effort to figure out what exactly was going on. Even after the werewolf mentions "Lucy," it took a lot of back-reading for me to figure out what exactly he was on about.
Style, Form, and Grammar: I've already touched on the gratuitous profanity and the MC's edgy personality, but everything else pertaining to the narration is kind of eclipsed by it. At the least, there are no grammatical mistakes, and I could mostly follow the train of events the MC was describing.
Final: All in all, this will be near the bottom of my ballot.
Characters and Dialogue: Apologies, but our MC here wins my "least likable character" award for this contest, and by a landslide. He's condescending and rude to everyone, thinks he's the absolute bomb, and swears in a style that can only be described as disdainful and constantly ticked off. E.g. comedians get away with it, because their swearing is creative, and/or directed at specific targets of frustration that their audience can sympathize with. I just can't think of any redeeming qualities for him (we don't even see any particular skills from him, either; just aiming and shooting once). This is compounded by the fact that the werewolf's /one line/ of dialogue makes him sound like the same person, giving me the impression you never really thought about what his personality might be.
Pretty much every other character besides Garou doesn't even need to be named. What time is spent developing them never goes to use, and only serves to reinforce our MC's pessimistic worldview.
Plot and Pacing: This is another big issue I had. Nothing of relevance occurs besides the shooting of the werewolf (a scene which induced no tension anyway for how short and spontaneous it was); there's just some of the MC's irritating gossip, and him talking to random locals. "A hunter. A rare attack. A meatie. Now it adds up." I could've maybe guessed that Garou shot and killed someone important to the werewolf, but the MC's focus flits around so fast I didn't make the extra effort to figure out what exactly was going on. Even after the werewolf mentions "Lucy," it took a lot of back-reading for me to figure out what exactly he was on about.
Style, Form, and Grammar: I've already touched on the gratuitous profanity and the MC's edgy personality, but everything else pertaining to the narration is kind of eclipsed by it. At the least, there are no grammatical mistakes, and I could mostly follow the train of events the MC was describing.
Final: All in all, this will be near the bottom of my ballot.
My review:
Characters and Dialogue: The end of this fic gave us a real look at the characters' personalities in a funny, lighthearted way. It's just a shame that it had to occur then, as the previous events of the story feel kind of unmotivated, when I have no idea who this Hercule Nottingham is or what his motivations were for the theft (or even how the theft occurred).
It felt a little off, that Hercule so unbelievably couldn't take a hint that the "replacement actor" was bad news for him. But I guess that's just comedy writing; and if that was truly the goal, I might recommend changing Hercule's suspicion level from "on the fence" to "almost totally clueless," since the latter is how I'm going to interpret him anyway.
I'm also not sure what mixing of classical mythology and modern sensibilities Daphne is guilty of.
Plot and Pacing: I liked the plot, though the introduction of Hercule as an actor was sort of confusing at first. "Hercule nodded to the other stagehands and smiled and charmed and waved and generally was Hercule Nottingham, the Errol Flynn of modern theatre—so Daphne liked to think of him." This is the first definitive reference we have to him being an actor and being on a set, but it's done vaguely, so we don't even know if it's before or after a show, whether he really is a bigshot, etc. This is compounded slightly by the fact that we don't even know Daphne is his lover (my first theory was that she was simply his thief-cohort).
Pretty good pacing overall, but some details (although interesting) were superfluous. Like: "Oddly, the real crown somehow seemed less convincingly shiny and bejeweled than the fake ones. Perhaps it was because the fakes were made with paper and glue. There was a tendency towards overcompensation, when one had the merest materials." EDIT: Actually, never mind, this is a subtle introduction later on to the fact that Hercule was wearing a paper crown, and not a real one, right? That Death must've switched it at some point?
Final: This fic will likely land in the middle of my ballot. At first, it was nearer the bottom, but giving it a re-read or two, I've been convinced there's more purpose in how you wrote it than I originally gave credit.
Characters and Dialogue: The end of this fic gave us a real look at the characters' personalities in a funny, lighthearted way. It's just a shame that it had to occur then, as the previous events of the story feel kind of unmotivated, when I have no idea who this Hercule Nottingham is or what his motivations were for the theft (or even how the theft occurred).
It felt a little off, that Hercule so unbelievably couldn't take a hint that the "replacement actor" was bad news for him. But I guess that's just comedy writing; and if that was truly the goal, I might recommend changing Hercule's suspicion level from "on the fence" to "almost totally clueless," since the latter is how I'm going to interpret him anyway.
I'm also not sure what mixing of classical mythology and modern sensibilities Daphne is guilty of.
Plot and Pacing: I liked the plot, though the introduction of Hercule as an actor was sort of confusing at first. "Hercule nodded to the other stagehands and smiled and charmed and waved and generally was Hercule Nottingham, the Errol Flynn of modern theatre—so Daphne liked to think of him." This is the first definitive reference we have to him being an actor and being on a set, but it's done vaguely, so we don't even know if it's before or after a show, whether he really is a bigshot, etc. This is compounded slightly by the fact that we don't even know Daphne is his lover (my first theory was that she was simply his thief-cohort).
Pretty good pacing overall, but some details (although interesting) were superfluous. Like: "Oddly, the real crown somehow seemed less convincingly shiny and bejeweled than the fake ones. Perhaps it was because the fakes were made with paper and glue. There was a tendency towards overcompensation, when one had the merest materials." EDIT: Actually, never mind, this is a subtle introduction later on to the fact that Hercule was wearing a paper crown, and not a real one, right? That Death must've switched it at some point?
Final: This fic will likely land in the middle of my ballot. At first, it was nearer the bottom, but giving it a re-read or two, I've been convinced there's more purpose in how you wrote it than I originally gave credit.
Ah well, you heard about the Occam’s razor, didn’t you? Everything that does not have a measurable effect can be safely ignored.
So your girl is dispensable.
Seriously, even for a horror/fantasy/uncanny fic, this has a lot of plot holes. The girl seems quite fine despite her sudden tranformation? No freaking out? She seems to have become a ghost and… she just accepts it :P
EDIT: Interesting interpretation by Kettle just under my review
How does she eat? How does she drink?
Why does that particular typewriter allow her to type her testimony while she seems to glide through every other object? Etc.
So, yeah, as Baal mentioned, you’ve barely introduced the conflict to us when the text draws to a close. And even that conflict is pretty much hard to swallow.
So your girl is dispensable.
Seriously, even for a horror/fantasy/uncanny fic, this has a lot of plot holes. The girl seems quite fine despite her sudden tranformation? No freaking out? She seems to have become a ghost and… she just accepts it :P
EDIT: Interesting interpretation by Kettle just under my review
How does she eat? How does she drink?
Why does that particular typewriter allow her to type her testimony while she seems to glide through every other object? Etc.
So, yeah, as Baal mentioned, you’ve barely introduced the conflict to us when the text draws to a close. And even that conflict is pretty much hard to swallow.
My review:
Style, Form, and Grammar: The main issue I had first going into this fic was the fact that the title is misspelled. That's, like, a cardinal sin. Just to give the benefit of the doubt, I checked multiple dictionaries to verify that "bull's-eye" and "bullseye" are the only acceptable spellings, I checked Google ngrams to make sure it wasn't a historical spelling or anything, and I even checked Wiktionary in the off-chance that "seye" was Latin for "shit" or something to give a pun via "bullshit" (which would've been an amazing play on words, given the guard's actions in the story), but no. Just a garden-variety typo.
The writing within the story itself was functional, if choppy at points. Common are sentences like "The tongue-lashing he'd been about to unleash tangled incoherently in his throat, and even the stinging pain of the slap he'd awoken to vanished in the face of his sudden fear" that verge on purple and an overuse of colorful adjectives and adverbs. Constructions like "force down a shuddering swallow" are awkward, and even if you insist on doubling down with both "force" and "shudder," I at least recommend writing it like "force down a swallow with a shudder."
Plot and Pacing: Of all the cryptic entries we've had this round, yours wins perhaps second prize (after The Altar) for having an interesting resolution. Although, I really would include just a little bit more of a hint at the end; my best guess, and one that I'm fairly confident with, is that the king's guard stole the king's signet ring, and intends to have the crafter John disguise it (but doesn't tell John; but the smart cookie figures it out anyway) as the sight on his crossbow. He also appears to be fleeing the domain in two days, hence his insistence that it be fixed by then. I like the simple ingenuity.
The only thing that seemed off about the events, is how very inquisitive John is, before he has any reason to be suspicious. It smells distinctly of a plot-induced sixth sense.
Characters and Dialogue: I think you did a good job developing the guard's personality. John's personality was serviceable, too, but could benefit from more. If I were to rewrite the story, I would choose a circumstance for the first part which allows that to shine through better; as it stands, with a 400+ word budget, a lot more could be done to serve the same function.
Final: Overall, this fic will go in the middle of my ballot.
Style, Form, and Grammar: The main issue I had first going into this fic was the fact that the title is misspelled. That's, like, a cardinal sin. Just to give the benefit of the doubt, I checked multiple dictionaries to verify that "bull's-eye" and "bullseye" are the only acceptable spellings, I checked Google ngrams to make sure it wasn't a historical spelling or anything, and I even checked Wiktionary in the off-chance that "seye" was Latin for "shit" or something to give a pun via "bullshit" (which would've been an amazing play on words, given the guard's actions in the story), but no. Just a garden-variety typo.
The writing within the story itself was functional, if choppy at points. Common are sentences like "The tongue-lashing he'd been about to unleash tangled incoherently in his throat, and even the stinging pain of the slap he'd awoken to vanished in the face of his sudden fear" that verge on purple and an overuse of colorful adjectives and adverbs. Constructions like "force down a shuddering swallow" are awkward, and even if you insist on doubling down with both "force" and "shudder," I at least recommend writing it like "force down a swallow with a shudder."
Plot and Pacing: Of all the cryptic entries we've had this round, yours wins perhaps second prize (after The Altar) for having an interesting resolution. Although, I really would include just a little bit more of a hint at the end; my best guess, and one that I'm fairly confident with, is that the king's guard stole the king's signet ring, and intends to have the crafter John disguise it (but doesn't tell John; but the smart cookie figures it out anyway) as the sight on his crossbow. He also appears to be fleeing the domain in two days, hence his insistence that it be fixed by then. I like the simple ingenuity.
The only thing that seemed off about the events, is how very inquisitive John is, before he has any reason to be suspicious. It smells distinctly of a plot-induced sixth sense.
Characters and Dialogue: I think you did a good job developing the guard's personality. John's personality was serviceable, too, but could benefit from more. If I were to rewrite the story, I would choose a circumstance for the first part which allows that to shine through better; as it stands, with a 400+ word budget, a lot more could be done to serve the same function.
Final: Overall, this fic will go in the middle of my ballot.
I should begin writing some in depth commentary tonight, but I think I should just point out my brief interpretation of this story.
It's a metaphorical story about depression and how it feels.
It's a metaphorical story about depression and how it feels.
>>Paracompact
Cacare is the Latin for "shit" (Italian cagare, Spanish/Occitan cagar, French chier with a change of vowel (one would expect *cheer) probably influenced by Old German *schiten > Eng. shit, German scheißen, Swedish skit).
Cacare is the Latin for "shit" (Italian cagare, Spanish/Occitan cagar, French chier with a change of vowel (one would expect *cheer) probably influenced by Old German *schiten > Eng. shit, German scheißen, Swedish skit).
>>Filler
Thanks; should've figured there was a basis to it. Same probably goes for my comment about the meter; I'm just not familiar enough with poetry to discern it.
Thanks; should've figured there was a basis to it. Same probably goes for my comment about the meter; I'm just not familiar enough with poetry to discern it.
>>Monokeras
That's an alarmingly comprehensive etymology for that particular piece of profanity... At any rate, I stand more convinced than ever that there is no magic in the title.
That's an alarmingly comprehensive etymology for that particular piece of profanity... At any rate, I stand more convinced than ever that there is no magic in the title.
Hmmm… The pic holds its own, but I agree it’s difficult to wrap one's mind around it. It’s probably trying to describe a collective alcoholic hallucination case, where each one sees something different, somehow interprets their own way what the others are seeing?
Over all not bad, but still you’ll have to explain me why you chose such an exotic place, or if this is somehow related to a true story.
Over all not bad, but still you’ll have to explain me why you chose such an exotic place, or if this is somehow related to a true story.
>>Paracompact
The profanity aspect came later in English. In Old English, scittan was perfectly neutral.
The profanity aspect came later in English. In Old English, scittan was perfectly neutral.
This is a somewhat hectic entry. There's definitely an interesting story in here, but it juggles too many things at once to really hit home. In and of themselves, the individual components are executed well, but tossed together, it doesn't flow very smoothly.
The narration itself already tries to depict a somewhat zany protagonist, which is fine on its own, works well with the exposition (being a psychic spy, if I read that right, must not be a very comfortable life), but then we get to the quick back-and-forth dialogue which only offers scraps of information and moves at a rather fast pace. To me, it feels like it should have been one or the other, with more time devoted to fleshing out a single component.
The narration itself already tries to depict a somewhat zany protagonist, which is fine on its own, works well with the exposition (being a psychic spy, if I read that right, must not be a very comfortable life), but then we get to the quick back-and-forth dialogue which only offers scraps of information and moves at a rather fast pace. To me, it feels like it should have been one or the other, with more time devoted to fleshing out a single component.
At the risk of sounding redundant, I'll join the others of saying that this indeed reads like the first two-three pages of a fantasy novel. But in my opinion, length was not the issue. There's no reason why one cannot write short one-shots about imaginary worlds, trying to compress as much information into a few words as possible, and then leaving the reader to wonder what else might be going on in that universe.
However, in this particular entry, we barely got a few hints at a plot, as well as its relation to the prompt. To your credit, it was exchanged for proper prose and exposition (there's a few grammar mistakes, but I don't get worked up about those), which is vital to immersing the reader, so it's not a lack of skill we are seeing, merely incorrect focus. The exposition is great, but it pushes the story closer to what the others pointed out above, namely "this is the start of a whole novel".
However, in this particular entry, we barely got a few hints at a plot, as well as its relation to the prompt. To your credit, it was exchanged for proper prose and exposition (there's a few grammar mistakes, but I don't get worked up about those), which is vital to immersing the reader, so it's not a lack of skill we are seeing, merely incorrect focus. The exposition is great, but it pushes the story closer to what the others pointed out above, namely "this is the start of a whole novel".
Love this poem. The quality of the rhyme and rhythm goes up and down a lot, at times it feels like it bends the rules just to squeeze a line in, but the overall vibe I get from it is fantastic, outweighing any "structural" issues I see in it (in fact, considering the short deadline, even this is amazing). It's a whole story, it's emotional, no "punchline ending", and it's all told in a format that is much harder to pull off well than in simple prose.
Well done, definitely my favorite so far!
Well done, definitely my favorite so far!
Mostly echoing what the other comments have said--this feels like the beginning of a story. It's ambitious, but unfortunately, our 900-word cap isn't well suited for it.
Stories told through letters/diary entries/other documents are awkward for the writer in that they need to both convey information to the reader and sound natural for whatever format they're being written in. Who is Bree's message addressed to, in this case? The laptop owner? A mall passerby? With the second-to-last paragraph, it feels like neither--both of them would immediately know where the laptop is and that the laptop isn't plugged in, since they can see it. This information is only pertinent to us, the readers of the story. HiTime said it quite well in their Verdict section--this story can benefit greatly with more measured execution.
(I'm assuming the laptop isn't connected to the internet, or else she'd just post something on Facemessage or Snapgram or whatever it is kids use these days.)
Laptop in a left food court also feels like it's highly unlikely to stick around. If the owner doesn't come back for it, it might just get stolen.
>>Monokeras
That's not quite what Occam's Razor is, is it? Also, her being ignored seems to be the plot itself. ^^ But yes, I agree that her response to her new condition seems too calm, even if some time has passed between when it started and when she wrote her message.
Stories told through letters/diary entries/other documents are awkward for the writer in that they need to both convey information to the reader and sound natural for whatever format they're being written in. Who is Bree's message addressed to, in this case? The laptop owner? A mall passerby? With the second-to-last paragraph, it feels like neither--both of them would immediately know where the laptop is and that the laptop isn't plugged in, since they can see it. This information is only pertinent to us, the readers of the story. HiTime said it quite well in their Verdict section--this story can benefit greatly with more measured execution.
(I'm assuming the laptop isn't connected to the internet, or else she'd just post something on Facemessage or Snapgram or whatever it is kids use these days.)
Laptop in a left food court also feels like it's highly unlikely to stick around. If the owner doesn't come back for it, it might just get stolen.
>>Monokeras
That's not quite what Occam's Razor is, is it? Also, her being ignored seems to be the plot itself. ^^ But yes, I agree that her response to her new condition seems too calm, even if some time has passed between when it started and when she wrote her message.
This one is also a bit difficult to comment on, as there seems to be a lot going on, yet nothing at the same time. In many ways, it feels like the story took the easy way out, so to speak. Mysteries easily catch one's attention, and they avoid the trouble of an ending that can please everyone, but it exchanges that for the problem of leaving the reader wanting more, which is probably the main issue of this entry.
The "small town" setting is always good for such mysteries (especially if they're supernatural), but the setting must also justify its use. We need to know why this particular place was chosen, and how the characters contrast with the events. While we do get some good glimpses here and there, it's not quite enough for the story to have the real punch it's going for. Rather than go deeper into these details, it hides behind more "mysteries".
That aside, it's still a good and rather puzzling (in a good way) read. While I'm harsh on the "mystery" aspect, the details do still give the reader plenty of hints to construct their image of the place and the truth of what happened. My guess is that the doctor thought the whole thing was bogus, but after one late night binge, he went to check the statue for himself and did not see anything out of the ordinary, yet was still wondering what could have possessed the others.
The "small town" setting is always good for such mysteries (especially if they're supernatural), but the setting must also justify its use. We need to know why this particular place was chosen, and how the characters contrast with the events. While we do get some good glimpses here and there, it's not quite enough for the story to have the real punch it's going for. Rather than go deeper into these details, it hides behind more "mysteries".
That aside, it's still a good and rather puzzling (in a good way) read. While I'm harsh on the "mystery" aspect, the details do still give the reader plenty of hints to construct their image of the place and the truth of what happened. My guess is that the doctor thought the whole thing was bogus, but after one late night binge, he went to check the statue for himself and did not see anything out of the ordinary, yet was still wondering what could have possessed the others.
>>Filler
Well, the Occam’s razor is about privileging the hypothesis that makes the fewest assumptions. In other words, you can assume:
1.the world is full of spirits who watch us but are unable to interact with us ;
2. there are no spirits.
Occam's razor will say: pick 2. because 1. assumes something which is unproven and unprovable. Here it’s the same: if the girl is unable to interact with the real word, then the real word can safely assume she doesn’t exist.
Well, the Occam’s razor is about privileging the hypothesis that makes the fewest assumptions. In other words, you can assume:
1.the world is full of spirits who watch us but are unable to interact with us ;
2. there are no spirits.
Occam's razor will say: pick 2. because 1. assumes something which is unproven and unprovable. Here it’s the same: if the girl is unable to interact with the real word, then the real word can safely assume she doesn’t exist.
>>Monokeras
If this really is a story about depression, then that's the most depressing application of Occam's Razor I've ever seen.
If this really is a story about depression, then that's the most depressing application of Occam's Razor I've ever seen.
>>Miller Minus
No, the most depressing story about Occam’s razor is the guy who used it to slash his wrists. :P
No, the most depressing story about Occam’s razor is the guy who used it to slash his wrists. :P
My review:
Characters and Dialogue: Willowby is a very interesting character, whose casual criminality comes across to me as that of a "gentleman thief." If this was your intention, I might tone down the irritation he shows toward Rufus; it's not becoming of such a character. If this was not your intention, then more needs to be indicated e.g. in the first part as to what exactly his feelings toward society are, with respect to his condition.
Plot and Pacing: The fic appears to be split into two parts; one being the exposition/internal monologue on Willowby's condition, and the other being the talk with Rufus. Both of them are overall written quite well, but seem to have some extraneous bits, if I were being picky. The reader ought to be able to piece together the "gimmick" on his own without quite so much example, and might be more satisfied to read a longer second section, which could explain in more detail the plan that he and Rufus executed. Indeed, my only larger grievance with the story is that not much really happens; it's just a character description, and a minor encounter to add to said character description.
As well, it was a little unclear to me how Willowby managed to walk out with both his money and Rufus's; once he had vanished, I was more worried that he wouldn't be able to convince Rufus to give him either.
Style, Form, and Grammar: All very top notch. Thoughts were conveyed very lucidly, and despite the obvious time limits, appear to be polished quite well. Well-balanced, grammatically rich sentences like "A snappily dressed old man eased his weight onto a chair opposite, and confident as a lion ordered a coffee in passing" reminds me a fair bit of good French writing, but now I'm just rambling.
Final: This will rank fairly high on my ballot.
Characters and Dialogue: Willowby is a very interesting character, whose casual criminality comes across to me as that of a "gentleman thief." If this was your intention, I might tone down the irritation he shows toward Rufus; it's not becoming of such a character. If this was not your intention, then more needs to be indicated e.g. in the first part as to what exactly his feelings toward society are, with respect to his condition.
Plot and Pacing: The fic appears to be split into two parts; one being the exposition/internal monologue on Willowby's condition, and the other being the talk with Rufus. Both of them are overall written quite well, but seem to have some extraneous bits, if I were being picky. The reader ought to be able to piece together the "gimmick" on his own without quite so much example, and might be more satisfied to read a longer second section, which could explain in more detail the plan that he and Rufus executed. Indeed, my only larger grievance with the story is that not much really happens; it's just a character description, and a minor encounter to add to said character description.
As well, it was a little unclear to me how Willowby managed to walk out with both his money and Rufus's; once he had vanished, I was more worried that he wouldn't be able to convince Rufus to give him either.
Style, Form, and Grammar: All very top notch. Thoughts were conveyed very lucidly, and despite the obvious time limits, appear to be polished quite well. Well-balanced, grammatically rich sentences like "A snappily dressed old man eased his weight onto a chair opposite, and confident as a lion ordered a coffee in passing" reminds me a fair bit of good French writing, but now I'm just rambling.
Final: This will rank fairly high on my ballot.
My review:
Plot and Pacing: Another story that starts off with a strong hook. The idea is very original, I think that goes without saying, and the lore behind it gives the impression of a bigger, more well-thought-out universe than you had the space to describe. The downside, however, is that this reads a lot like the first chapter to a multi-character novel, or maybe the script to a filler plot in an episodic series, and not a flash fiction in its own right. Instead of a self-contained combustive reaction of characters and plot, we just get a small glimpse of interstellar politics, Zero's character, and what a world of clones is really like (and in a rather mundane situation, compared to what could be imagined).
Pacing verges on sluggish, but I'm usually pretty impatient. The bigger problem, I think, concerns paragraphs like the one starting with "The original Kimura..." As I see it, that paragraph could effectively be deleted, and replaced by some one-liner about the clones being the result of a utopian nut's fascination with a young prodigy. Everything counts so much when you have so few words to work with.
Character and Dialogue: The dialogue is done excellently. The character of Zero is kind of a lighthearted tough guy, and tangents about e.g. his leg are a decent way of conveying that, but I think it could be delivered in a more relevant way, if you found a way to express it through the dialogue with the clones.
Style, Form, and Grammar: Great form overall, with a particular talent for comedic flourish, like "Suddenly, he had an urge to look over his spectacles, which was worrying because he didn’t wear any." It certainly adds to the readability. If I were make a couple random nitpicks, I might question whether it is more a matter of "regenerating" than "curing" a lost leg, or whether "flimsy as paper" is really an accurate metaphor.
Final: Overall, this fic will rank in the upper mid-tier of my ballot.
Plot and Pacing: Another story that starts off with a strong hook. The idea is very original, I think that goes without saying, and the lore behind it gives the impression of a bigger, more well-thought-out universe than you had the space to describe. The downside, however, is that this reads a lot like the first chapter to a multi-character novel, or maybe the script to a filler plot in an episodic series, and not a flash fiction in its own right. Instead of a self-contained combustive reaction of characters and plot, we just get a small glimpse of interstellar politics, Zero's character, and what a world of clones is really like (and in a rather mundane situation, compared to what could be imagined).
Pacing verges on sluggish, but I'm usually pretty impatient. The bigger problem, I think, concerns paragraphs like the one starting with "The original Kimura..." As I see it, that paragraph could effectively be deleted, and replaced by some one-liner about the clones being the result of a utopian nut's fascination with a young prodigy. Everything counts so much when you have so few words to work with.
Character and Dialogue: The dialogue is done excellently. The character of Zero is kind of a lighthearted tough guy, and tangents about e.g. his leg are a decent way of conveying that, but I think it could be delivered in a more relevant way, if you found a way to express it through the dialogue with the clones.
Style, Form, and Grammar: Great form overall, with a particular talent for comedic flourish, like "Suddenly, he had an urge to look over his spectacles, which was worrying because he didn’t wear any." It certainly adds to the readability. If I were make a couple random nitpicks, I might question whether it is more a matter of "regenerating" than "curing" a lost leg, or whether "flimsy as paper" is really an accurate metaphor.
Final: Overall, this fic will rank in the upper mid-tier of my ballot.
I am in LOVE with this picture.
I laughed at the snake eating the rat lmao. I like how she has modern day clothes (especially her jeans omg) Even the background is so well done. The way you made it out of play dough/ clay just adds marvelously to the picture.
My only minor complaint is that she doesn’t have more snakes on her head. She looks kind of odd with only a few snakes rather than a lot.
I laughed at the snake eating the rat lmao. I like how she has modern day clothes (especially her jeans omg) Even the background is so well done. The way you made it out of play dough/ clay just adds marvelously to the picture.
My only minor complaint is that she doesn’t have more snakes on her head. She looks kind of odd with only a few snakes rather than a lot.
The first part of the story feels very dream-like--objects do not appear to exist until they are observed, and the narrator asks himself many rhetorical questions.
As the reader, we know nothing of the main character in terms of physical description except that he's wearing some yellow briefs and nothing else. (They are referred to as "his usual yellow briefs", which makes me wonder if he never changes out of them, and why they are yellow.) We don't really get a sense of his age until after he moves around and digs a hole on the beach. It'd seem reasonable that Ashur is a child, but he "chuckled" at "another one of dad’s proverbial fancy stories", which sounds like a grown man remembering his childhood through rose-tinted lenses.
By the end of the second paragraph, there have been three rhetorical questions. Rhetorical questions are meant to make some point instead of getting an answer, as the one being asked is expected to already know the answer. But without any background, these questions don't really have a point to make. "Had he ever been to a beach anyway?" We, the reader, don't know--we only met Ashur two sentences ago. "Had he ever known anything else than scorchers since he’d been born anyway?" "Wasn’t that another one of dad’s proverbial fancy stories?" No one's better suited to answer these questions than the narrator himself. The middle of the story eases up on them, but at the end, Gianfranco asks himself how many dead kids he'd seen so far. I think it'd be easier and better--for both author and reader--to state the number outright (with the incidental bonus of conserving word count).
The first part of the story, for the most part, sets a stage--there's a beach, there's a kid, he plays in the sand and water and takes a nap with his parents. These are, however, mostly normal things that I'd imagine a kid to do on a beach. As such, this account of his actions on the beach doesn't seem to meaningfully contribute towards the story, so it makes me wonder what purpose the first scene serves. (Of course, this is my own opinion, and it may be based on missing information.)
What happened to his parents at the end of part one? Did they just ditch him? Granted, all I know about tsunamis comes from that one time I watched Ponyo years ago, but tsunamis seem difficult to sleep through and don't really happen suddenly. It's also hard to imagine his parents getting swept away without the tsunami taking him too.
The connection between the first and second scenes also seems missing. I imagine the tsunami swept him into another ship's wreckage?
For a story under 900 words, it feels like there are two distinct stories being told--one about Ashur's day on the beach, and one about Gianfranco's recovery efforts. Given the events at the end of the first part, it's difficult to tell this story without a sudden perspective shift--but still, the shift is too sudden and throws the story off balance.
Agreed with >>Baal Bunny on the second scene's dialog.
As the reader, we know nothing of the main character in terms of physical description except that he's wearing some yellow briefs and nothing else. (They are referred to as "his usual yellow briefs", which makes me wonder if he never changes out of them, and why they are yellow.) We don't really get a sense of his age until after he moves around and digs a hole on the beach. It'd seem reasonable that Ashur is a child, but he "chuckled" at "another one of dad’s proverbial fancy stories", which sounds like a grown man remembering his childhood through rose-tinted lenses.
By the end of the second paragraph, there have been three rhetorical questions. Rhetorical questions are meant to make some point instead of getting an answer, as the one being asked is expected to already know the answer. But without any background, these questions don't really have a point to make. "Had he ever been to a beach anyway?" We, the reader, don't know--we only met Ashur two sentences ago. "Had he ever known anything else than scorchers since he’d been born anyway?" "Wasn’t that another one of dad’s proverbial fancy stories?" No one's better suited to answer these questions than the narrator himself. The middle of the story eases up on them, but at the end, Gianfranco asks himself how many dead kids he'd seen so far. I think it'd be easier and better--for both author and reader--to state the number outright (with the incidental bonus of conserving word count).
The first part of the story, for the most part, sets a stage--there's a beach, there's a kid, he plays in the sand and water and takes a nap with his parents. These are, however, mostly normal things that I'd imagine a kid to do on a beach. As such, this account of his actions on the beach doesn't seem to meaningfully contribute towards the story, so it makes me wonder what purpose the first scene serves. (Of course, this is my own opinion, and it may be based on missing information.)
What happened to his parents at the end of part one? Did they just ditch him? Granted, all I know about tsunamis comes from that one time I watched Ponyo years ago, but tsunamis seem difficult to sleep through and don't really happen suddenly. It's also hard to imagine his parents getting swept away without the tsunami taking him too.
The connection between the first and second scenes also seems missing. I imagine the tsunami swept him into another ship's wreckage?
For a story under 900 words, it feels like there are two distinct stories being told--one about Ashur's day on the beach, and one about Gianfranco's recovery efforts. Given the events at the end of the first part, it's difficult to tell this story without a sudden perspective shift--but still, the shift is too sudden and throws the story off balance.
Agreed with >>Baal Bunny on the second scene's dialog.
Ah, what a nice cartoon this is. This is the kind of thing that makes drawing look easy and fun, though it takes talent and experience to make lines convey expression so cleanly. The visual echo of past and present is very well presented. This is an easy top-tier piece.
I'm very not surprised this made it into the finals ! This is easily a stand-out favorite from this round !
I'm with a few others though sometimes it feels a little rule-bendy and some word choices are strange but still the story and emotion are strong. I really appreciate this interpretation of Medusa as a character !
I'm with a few others though sometimes it feels a little rule-bendy and some word choices are strange but still the story and emotion are strong. I really appreciate this interpretation of Medusa as a character !
>>Monokeras
Word of advice for the future: unless you're the editor, or if the story is chock full of glaring mistakes, only point out things like this if you can contextualize it in a useful way (e.g "it ruins the flow of the narration and does not help with immersion") Doing it just for a cheap laugh is bad form, to put it mildly. "Hey, I know you wrote a whole story, but GUESS WHAT, I only noticed that (debatable) mistake in the first sentence!"
Word of advice for the future: unless you're the editor, or if the story is chock full of glaring mistakes, only point out things like this if you can contextualize it in a useful way (e.g "it ruins the flow of the narration and does not help with immersion") Doing it just for a cheap laugh is bad form, to put it mildly. "Hey, I know you wrote a whole story, but GUESS WHAT, I only noticed that (debatable) mistake in the first sentence!"
This is my fav piece out of the art comp! I love the cool purple tones you added to compliment the warmness of the rest of the piece and the emotion overall is serene and reserved. The hints of sculpting on the face are also very nice, I quite like the softness of her expression.
My only gripes come from anatomy that doesn't feel intentional, mainly in the shoulders and pelvis. The arm under her has no imaginable connection point to her body and the other is fighting to have the shape you gave it. My advice is to think of the shoulders as a line or V and remember that they are connected. The thigh gap also comes across as awkward to me, in this kind of pose it's unlikely one would be present. ( If its meant to be hair, sorry ! It reads as a gap ! )
Human figures are hard and you did a nice job !
My only gripes come from anatomy that doesn't feel intentional, mainly in the shoulders and pelvis. The arm under her has no imaginable connection point to her body and the other is fighting to have the shape you gave it. My advice is to think of the shoulders as a line or V and remember that they are connected. The thigh gap also comes across as awkward to me, in this kind of pose it's unlikely one would be present. ( If its meant to be hair, sorry ! It reads as a gap ! )
Human figures are hard and you did a nice job !
A cute comic. You have an elegant drawing style that is pleasant to look at and great at conveying emotions. The coloring, linework and composition are all clean and professional.
Nits: Why’d you color in the cuticles, of all things? Why would anyone hold a gun like that? (A pro who was hesitating about shooting someone might point the gun in the air or at the ground, but wouldn’t change their grip from one that could fire at a moment’s notice. In the current position, it looks like the shooter’s hand is growing from his neck.) And why does your werewolf look like a rat? (I think it’s mainly the overlarge ears, grey fur and pink nose. Also, those look more like rat feet than doggie paws, and I think it’s partly due to the long thin nails.)
This is an upper tier piece. I’m not sure exactly where it will land on my slate yet; there’s a lot of good art this round and it will be hard to choose.
Nits: Why’d you color in the cuticles, of all things? Why would anyone hold a gun like that? (A pro who was hesitating about shooting someone might point the gun in the air or at the ground, but wouldn’t change their grip from one that could fire at a moment’s notice. In the current position, it looks like the shooter’s hand is growing from his neck.) And why does your werewolf look like a rat? (I think it’s mainly the overlarge ears, grey fur and pink nose. Also, those look more like rat feet than doggie paws, and I think it’s partly due to the long thin nails.)
This is an upper tier piece. I’m not sure exactly where it will land on my slate yet; there’s a lot of good art this round and it will be hard to choose.
>>DumpsterDweller
You mean the quiet town in Belarus thing? It was a joke, mate. I’m sorry it didn’t come across as such, but take it easy! :P
You mean the quiet town in Belarus thing? It was a joke, mate. I’m sorry it didn’t come across as such, but take it easy! :P
I'm quite surprised, in a good way, that someone decided to take on this subject. I always approve of an author not pulling their punches when picking what they will show their readers, especially when they pull it off without cheap forms of "shocking content" (such as profanity or violence). The story itself sets up the tragedy quite well, and shows us the humanity of those involved.
I partially agree with the other commenters, the reader is left wanting more, though I chalk that up to the word limit more than anything else. You can't really squeeze much more in and also keep the flow of the prose.
Well done, sorry you didn't make the cut. Between you and me, I think this was far better than most other entries.
I partially agree with the other commenters, the reader is left wanting more, though I chalk that up to the word limit more than anything else. You can't really squeeze much more in and also keep the flow of the prose.
Well done, sorry you didn't make the cut. Between you and me, I think this was far better than most other entries.
>>DumpsterDweller
Thanks ❤️ The story had defects, though, as people pointed out. Maybe too symbolic (the first part was a dream the boy was making aboard the dinghy, before and when it capsized), or too shambolic. :P
It was experimental anyway, so no big deal it failed.
Thanks ❤️ The story had defects, though, as people pointed out. Maybe too symbolic (the first part was a dream the boy was making aboard the dinghy, before and when it capsized), or too shambolic. :P
It was experimental anyway, so no big deal it failed.
Thanks, all, for the two cents. I will address, above all, the big issue:
>>Anon Y Mous
>>HiTime
>>Filler
>>Monokeras
Yeah, fair's fair: this leaned waaaaaaay too heavily on the original. Thinking about the prompt, the old favourite popped up in my head as an example, so I thought "Hey, I should do something like that!" Then, I started playing around with the original concepts. Then, I just lifted them wholesale as placeholders to be replaced later. Then, I realized I couldn't match the original's brilliance. Then, I changed the names in a half-hearted attempt to pre-empt any "plagiarism" accusations and convey I was reimagining or taking inspiration from it (hint: anyone notice the "Ronald and Dahlia" connection?). Then, I noticed I was struggling even with the new ideas I introduced -
Long story short, it was a complete mess and a complete miss. Frankly, I'm not surprised it didn't make it to finals. Given its copycat nature and general sense of muddle, I'm not putting up any defences for it.
Next time, I'm going to delete something like this. The only reason I didn't this time was sheer fascinated reluctance.
I'm especially disappointed the characters were only so-so, but someone like Dahlia in particular needed more of a twist to make the old double-personality thing feel novel. As-is, the lack of inspiration and the word limit kick it while it's down.
>>Anon Y Mous
>>HiTime
>>Filler
>>Monokeras
Yeah, fair's fair: this leaned waaaaaaay too heavily on the original. Thinking about the prompt, the old favourite popped up in my head as an example, so I thought "Hey, I should do something like that!" Then, I started playing around with the original concepts. Then, I just lifted them wholesale as placeholders to be replaced later. Then, I realized I couldn't match the original's brilliance. Then, I changed the names in a half-hearted attempt to pre-empt any "plagiarism" accusations and convey I was reimagining or taking inspiration from it (hint: anyone notice the "Ronald and Dahlia" connection?). Then, I noticed I was struggling even with the new ideas I introduced -
Long story short, it was a complete mess and a complete miss. Frankly, I'm not surprised it didn't make it to finals. Given its copycat nature and general sense of muddle, I'm not putting up any defences for it.
Next time, I'm going to delete something like this. The only reason I didn't this time was sheer fascinated reluctance.
I'm especially disappointed the characters were only so-so, but someone like Dahlia in particular needed more of a twist to make the old double-personality thing feel novel. As-is, the lack of inspiration and the word limit kick it while it's down.
>>Monokeras
In my defence, the clues are there in the text as to what Jackson's doing.
- She's been studying psychics for five years
- She only joined the project for the credit, not for patriotism
- She knows the DIA et al lie about it to the public
- She leaked documents to the press
- Her contact ended up dead
- She's currently urgently trying to get onto a boat, and it's her neck on the line if she misses it
- She talks a lot in the present about how easy it is to thwart psychics trying to find a specific mind in a crowd, and how hard it is to read minds even when a psychic has found the one it wants
- The stranger mentions police and agents tracking her
- She's described by the stranger as a "friend to people with strange abilities"
- The stranger describes them both as people not wanting to see "people with strange abilities" weaponized
I'll admit these details might come across as lacking connective tissue as-is, but I do think the clues were there for all to see. It adds up to "she's a whistleblower".
Also, at the risk of being funny: how can you not tell the PoV? I use "I" all the time here, from the first paragraph onwards. You coming the raw prawn with me, boi? (I kid, I kid, but this criticism does seem weird to me).
>>HiTime
>>Paracompact
>>DumpsterDweller
You've all hit the nail on the head with this one: it was trying way too much and basically kills itself with that big bit in the middle that doesn't really contribute a thing. There, I was mainly trying to dispel an old pop culture stereotype about psychics reading minds so easily, and I went overboard trying to emphasize just how hard it would be in real life. That was also where the brunt of the "Hidden in Plain Sight" theme came into play; she was hiding from psychics just by standing in a crowd. Especially when everything else lost useful words to that big description, the story does feel lopsided and hectic as a result.
I think next time I'll cut the exposition and try to focus on the dialogue's development. Also I might be playing coy with information here, so that's a take-away for next time. But yeah, this is another one I'm not surprised didn't make it to finals.
As for one other criticism: The cocky narration and dialogue mismatch was intentional; in the exposition, she's in her element, happily throwing out details like an expert. In the present situation with the stranger, she's barely keeping a panic attack down. I think I'll have to invoke "it's a feature not a bug" here. And "my bread is your mould", I guess, since I kinda like her character, but that's just me.
Can't think of much else to add at the mo. That seems to cover the main stuff.
In my defence, the clues are there in the text as to what Jackson's doing.
- She's been studying psychics for five years
- She only joined the project for the credit, not for patriotism
- She knows the DIA et al lie about it to the public
- She leaked documents to the press
- Her contact ended up dead
- She's currently urgently trying to get onto a boat, and it's her neck on the line if she misses it
- She talks a lot in the present about how easy it is to thwart psychics trying to find a specific mind in a crowd, and how hard it is to read minds even when a psychic has found the one it wants
- The stranger mentions police and agents tracking her
- She's described by the stranger as a "friend to people with strange abilities"
- The stranger describes them both as people not wanting to see "people with strange abilities" weaponized
I'll admit these details might come across as lacking connective tissue as-is, but I do think the clues were there for all to see. It adds up to "she's a whistleblower".
Also, at the risk of being funny: how can you not tell the PoV? I use "I" all the time here, from the first paragraph onwards. You coming the raw prawn with me, boi? (I kid, I kid, but this criticism does seem weird to me).
>>HiTime
>>Paracompact
>>DumpsterDweller
You've all hit the nail on the head with this one: it was trying way too much and basically kills itself with that big bit in the middle that doesn't really contribute a thing. There, I was mainly trying to dispel an old pop culture stereotype about psychics reading minds so easily, and I went overboard trying to emphasize just how hard it would be in real life. That was also where the brunt of the "Hidden in Plain Sight" theme came into play; she was hiding from psychics just by standing in a crowd. Especially when everything else lost useful words to that big description, the story does feel lopsided and hectic as a result.
I think next time I'll cut the exposition and try to focus on the dialogue's development. Also I might be playing coy with information here, so that's a take-away for next time. But yeah, this is another one I'm not surprised didn't make it to finals.
As for one other criticism: The cocky narration and dialogue mismatch was intentional; in the exposition, she's in her element, happily throwing out details like an expert. In the present situation with the stranger, she's barely keeping a panic attack down. I think I'll have to invoke "it's a feature not a bug" here. And "my bread is your mould", I guess, since I kinda like her character, but that's just me.
Can't think of much else to add at the mo. That seems to cover the main stuff.
See, those of you folks who are complaining about the swearing, this is the line that gets me:
He (or she, dunno) cusses like a sailor. There's any number of foul-mouthed descriptors that could have been used here. But no. That makes this line stand out more than the italics does.
I also don't understand how folks are confused about what's happening. In a minific you have to be very thrifty with words, and this author was. I will concede that the writeoff is absolutely great practice for the dime store paperback market.
I will say that there was one thing that confused me as I was reading through it: the guy named Lou P. Garou was not, in fact the werewolf. In a contest about hiding in plain sight, a guy whose name is basically Were W. Olf is kind of the obvious choice for the werewolf. This was too big for a red herring that wasn't called out. I get that he's set up as a person of interest from the beginning, and you wanted the reader to think he was the werewolf until the reveal at the end, but there could bemore subtle less confusing ways to do that.
For most of the story, I was wondering more about the meta than about the content of the story. It's one thing for readers to call out a Chekhov's Gun and eagerly await to see how it is fired. This was just plain distracting.
Overall a good story. 24 hours and 900 words isn't much to work with but you managed to make a story with a beginning, a middle, and an end, which puts it above most of the entries.
This was gonna be hard.
He (or she, dunno) cusses like a sailor. There's any number of foul-mouthed descriptors that could have been used here. But no. That makes this line stand out more than the italics does.
I also don't understand how folks are confused about what's happening. In a minific you have to be very thrifty with words, and this author was. I will concede that the writeoff is absolutely great practice for the dime store paperback market.
I will say that there was one thing that confused me as I was reading through it: the guy named Lou P. Garou was not, in fact the werewolf. In a contest about hiding in plain sight, a guy whose name is basically Were W. Olf is kind of the obvious choice for the werewolf. This was too big for a red herring that wasn't called out. I get that he's set up as a person of interest from the beginning, and you wanted the reader to think he was the werewolf until the reveal at the end, but there could be
For most of the story, I was wondering more about the meta than about the content of the story. It's one thing for readers to call out a Chekhov's Gun and eagerly await to see how it is fired. This was just plain distracting.
Overall a good story. 24 hours and 900 words isn't much to work with but you managed to make a story with a beginning, a middle, and an end, which puts it above most of the entries.
>>Hap
If I could stand up for us softies -- making one line stand out isn't worth writing an unendearing main character. But we can agree to disagree; clearly the protagonist is tracking differently for everyone.
He (or she, dunno) cusses like a sailor. There's any number of foul-mouthed descriptors that could have been used here. But no. That makes this line stand out more than the italics does.
If I could stand up for us softies -- making one line stand out isn't worth writing an unendearing main character. But we can agree to disagree; clearly the protagonist is tracking differently for everyone.
A simple doodle, but one that still has life and characterization. I like her polka-dot PJs, and that one of the snakes shares her morning eyes.
This isn’t a last-placer on its own merits, but I fear that it will be surpassed by the other art in this round. Still, Artist, I thank you for participating!
This isn’t a last-placer on its own merits, but I fear that it will be surpassed by the other art in this round. Still, Artist, I thank you for participating!
>>Miller Minus
I love main characters that you just can't like.
I also love unreliable narrators, and bad guys as the main character.
I love main characters that you just can't like.
I also love unreliable narrators, and bad guys as the main character.
This image is rather shocking, in line with its source fic. It’s not pleasant to see something with childlike proportions being wounded in the head, and the cartoony style clashes with the realistic blood. On the plus side, it is competently composed and executed.
I feel that this image, like its source fic, is not destined to reach a high rank. Still, I am not willing to say that experiments like this should never be undertaken. Thanks for having a go, Artist.
I feel that this image, like its source fic, is not destined to reach a high rank. Still, I am not willing to say that experiments like this should never be undertaken. Thanks for having a go, Artist.
A lotta fun:
But I've got a little problem with the set-up. It's just that we're told both that the young woman is suspected of being a feral child abandoned in the wilderness and that she may have suffered the loss of her nearest relatives to the war. But if her relatives abandoned her, how would she even know that they'd died? Also, the difference between a child and a young woman is fairly great in my mind: I need a better idea of how old Peasblossom seems to be, especially since she apparently speaks perfect English when she's brought to the hospital. I'd recommend just going with the idea that she's a trauma victim--maybe mention the "feral child" thing just to have the authorities dismiss it as not likely since she speaks so well.
I'd also like the villagers to threw her the festival while she's still in the hospital, and then she vanishes. This would answer the question "Why didn't she leave before?" by implying that it was the locals' belief that gave her the power she needed to finally hie herself outta there.
Mike
But I've got a little problem with the set-up. It's just that we're told both that the young woman is suspected of being a feral child abandoned in the wilderness and that she may have suffered the loss of her nearest relatives to the war. But if her relatives abandoned her, how would she even know that they'd died? Also, the difference between a child and a young woman is fairly great in my mind: I need a better idea of how old Peasblossom seems to be, especially since she apparently speaks perfect English when she's brought to the hospital. I'd recommend just going with the idea that she's a trauma victim--maybe mention the "feral child" thing just to have the authorities dismiss it as not likely since she speaks so well.
I'd also like the villagers to threw her the festival while she's still in the hospital, and then she vanishes. This would answer the question "Why didn't she leave before?" by implying that it was the locals' belief that gave her the power she needed to finally hie herself outta there.
Mike
>>GroaningGreyAgony
Ew. It was bad enough before I remembered that this guy sucked dick. Without unambiguous consent.
Ew.
Ew. It was bad enough before I remembered that this guy sucked dick. Without unambiguous consent.
Ew.
I'll just:
Agree with everyone, I guess. Beginnings are always tricky and especially in poems, author, so take a look at making that first section as smooth as possible. And maybe add another section in the middle so we can see Medusa reacting to the news of her sisters being caught and killed--though in actual mythology, weren't her sisters immortal and she was the one who got killed? :)
Mike
Agree with everyone, I guess. Beginnings are always tricky and especially in poems, author, so take a look at making that first section as smooth as possible. And maybe add another section in the middle so we can see Medusa reacting to the news of her sisters being caught and killed--though in actual mythology, weren't her sisters immortal and she was the one who got killed? :)
Mike
Very nice:
But the characters strike me as maybe a little too old to be having this conversation--we're told that Sparky's last modification was when Jordan was ten and that that was thirteen years ago. I'd suggest, author, making the guys seventeen or eighteen instead, just on the cusp of legality. I also wondered if our unnamed narrator ever saw Jordan again or if this was the end of their friendship as well as the end of their imaginary friend.
You could increase the poignancy, too, by revealing at the end that our narrator, now 23, is standing beside Jordan's freshly dug grave--or even better, by showing our narrator reading about Jordan divorcing his third wife on the same day that he sells his start-up to Google for forty-four million dollars. Something to show that this is the moment that their paths diverged and never came back together again...
Mike
But the characters strike me as maybe a little too old to be having this conversation--we're told that Sparky's last modification was when Jordan was ten and that that was thirteen years ago. I'd suggest, author, making the guys seventeen or eighteen instead, just on the cusp of legality. I also wondered if our unnamed narrator ever saw Jordan again or if this was the end of their friendship as well as the end of their imaginary friend.
You could increase the poignancy, too, by revealing at the end that our narrator, now 23, is standing beside Jordan's freshly dug grave--or even better, by showing our narrator reading about Jordan divorcing his third wife on the same day that he sells his start-up to Google for forty-four million dollars. Something to show that this is the moment that their paths diverged and never came back together again...
Mike
Heh. As a New York native, I appreciated this. Definitely got an atmosphere—but if you're trying to really evoke New York City, why is everything so nonspecific?
This takes place in a hospital—which hospital? Sloan Kettering? Mount Sinai? Bellevue? What neighborhood are our characters from? What bus line does Morgan take where he finds the cranky drivers? There's so many. What stores does he see from the window? You're taking great steps to turn New York from just a setting into a character of its own, but we need more to ground us and make the city come alive.
And I'm going to agree with 2/3rds of the above commenters that the phonetic accent didn't work for me, and very quickly dove from realistic into caricature. And in a story like this, toeing that line between "realistic" and "uncanny valley" (it exists in literature too!) is going to be your biggest challenge.
Loved that last line. Despite my misgivings about her accent, Ma is a lovely character—harsh, but loving in her own sharp way. Morgan could stand to be fleshed out more, but even this snippet gives me a good idea of his personality.
I like this. I want to see it grow.
This takes place in a hospital—which hospital? Sloan Kettering? Mount Sinai? Bellevue? What neighborhood are our characters from? What bus line does Morgan take where he finds the cranky drivers? There's so many. What stores does he see from the window? You're taking great steps to turn New York from just a setting into a character of its own, but we need more to ground us and make the city come alive.
And I'm going to agree with 2/3rds of the above commenters that the phonetic accent didn't work for me, and very quickly dove from realistic into caricature. And in a story like this, toeing that line between "realistic" and "uncanny valley" (it exists in literature too!) is going to be your biggest challenge.
Loved that last line. Despite my misgivings about her accent, Ma is a lovely character—harsh, but loving in her own sharp way. Morgan could stand to be fleshed out more, but even this snippet gives me a good idea of his personality.
I like this. I want to see it grow.
(note: I haven't read the story this is linked with, so I'm just taking the picture as is)
JESUS CHRIST HOW HORRIFYING
Legit, when this loads the only word that comes to mind is "ugly."
Misshapen mouth, deformed ears, covered in hair, stink lines coming off him... yeugh. I don't like looking at this man.
But, to be fair, I'm pretty sure that's what you were going for? I hope? So, high marks. Just keep this guy away from me.
JESUS CHRIST HOW HORRIFYING
Legit, when this loads the only word that comes to mind is "ugly."
Misshapen mouth, deformed ears, covered in hair, stink lines coming off him... yeugh. I don't like looking at this man.
But, to be fair, I'm pretty sure that's what you were going for? I hope? So, high marks. Just keep this guy away from me.
The longer I stare at this piece, the more I find to like, Artist.
I think it's neat how each of her snakes has it's own thing going on, from having a snack to taking a nap on her shoulder (adorable, btw). They do look a little sparse on her head, as >>Anon Y Mous pointed out, but I think adding any more might be a detriment to the piece, distracting the eye from what each snake is up to and making the piece a bit more muddled. I never progressed farther than "misshapen ashtray" in the medium, though, so y'know, grain of salt and all that.
I'm impressed with the level of detail on display here, particularly her jeans. Her eye is cool, too - it's super hard to make an eye in clay (from what I've seen, anyways) that looks like it's actually focused on something, rather than just a vacant stare, so major props for this.
I think it's neat how each of her snakes has it's own thing going on, from having a snack to taking a nap on her shoulder (adorable, btw). They do look a little sparse on her head, as >>Anon Y Mous pointed out, but I think adding any more might be a detriment to the piece, distracting the eye from what each snake is up to and making the piece a bit more muddled. I never progressed farther than "misshapen ashtray" in the medium, though, so y'know, grain of salt and all that.
I'm impressed with the level of detail on display here, particularly her jeans. Her eye is cool, too - it's super hard to make an eye in clay (from what I've seen, anyways) that looks like it's actually focused on something, rather than just a vacant stare, so major props for this.
Forced perspective is a tricky thing, but I think you pulled it off, Artist. I've always been a fan of the sketchy style.
I had to pause to think for a bit as to how this metaphor gelled with the story, but then it hit me - most people wouldn't have any clue what to do when faced with a blank page like this, and would be content to leave it empty, and thus forgettable. Perhaps our Mr. Hopkin-Hawkes would do well to spend more time around artists. ^^
I thought the interdictory circle on the tie clip was a nice touch, too.
I had to pause to think for a bit as to how this metaphor gelled with the story, but then it hit me - most people wouldn't have any clue what to do when faced with a blank page like this, and would be content to leave it empty, and thus forgettable. Perhaps our Mr. Hopkin-Hawkes would do well to spend more time around artists. ^^
I thought the interdictory circle on the tie clip was a nice touch, too.
>>GroaningGreyAgony has said most of what I would have said: this is a simple drawing that does an excellent job of conveying feels I know all too well. I like this piece, Artist, and I look forward to more art from you down the line!
I'm having trouble parsing some of these sentences. Not a native english speaker, I'm guessing?
Unless the author is trying to give us the impression that the narrator is not a native english speaker, in which case it's working, at the cost of too much labor for the reader.
Unless the author is trying to give us the impression that the narrator is not a native english speaker, in which case it's working, at the cost of too much labor for the reader.
>>HiTime >>PaulAsaran >>Monokeras >>Filler >>Paracompact
Sorry for the somewhat late reply, everyone. Given the delay, I'll try to keep this response at least sort of brief.
First and foremost, the version of the story posted here ended up suffering from a very important omission – specifically, the last line ought to say "disguising the stolen ring". That "stolen" wouldn't fix everything, but it'd at least get rid of some of the accidentally-way-too-excessive vagueness, and in theory make it possible for the reader to actually interpret the doublespeak conversations properly. (If nothing else, I am tempted to take all the confusion as something of a half-win, since if the readers couldn't figure things out any eavesdroppers would presumably have an even harder time of things.)
>>PaulAsaran >>Filler >>Paracompact >>Monokeras >>Paracompact >>Monokeras
As for the title, that can pretty much be chalked up to the fact that it was literally a last-minute thing, since I totally forgot I was going to need one until I copied the story over for final proofing and submission. With about 55 seconds left I remembered the things the pope uses their signet ring to seal are called papal bulls, so I submitted the first play on that I came up with and then did the fastest search I could to see if there were any problems with it. Turns out that's a yes – the relevant part from which the edicts take that name, the seal itself, is actually called a bulla – but at that point I only had 11 seconds left, so I couldn't think of anything better to edit the title to before time ran out. (Incidentally, the reason the word "stolen" ended up omitted is that I thought of the title in the middle of reverting from trying out "pilfered", and in my haste to submit and double-check the title I neglected to actually restore the deleted "stolen".)
Also, is it possible to use proper formatting (italics/bold/size/color/smallcaps) in titles? I would've preferred to set off the "bull" with pretty much anything subtler than a dash, but I really did not want to risk it with virtually no time left.
>>Monokeras >>Filler
Do you think this is a case where a weaker hook would have made the story better? The usual advice is of course to make the hook as strong as possible, but obviously it's not good to set the reader up with an impression that's doomed to crash and burn.
>>Filler
Think "he set to it with a will".
Sorry for the somewhat late reply, everyone. Given the delay, I'll try to keep this response at least sort of brief.
First and foremost, the version of the story posted here ended up suffering from a very important omission – specifically, the last line ought to say "disguising the stolen ring". That "stolen" wouldn't fix everything, but it'd at least get rid of some of the accidentally-way-too-excessive vagueness, and in theory make it possible for the reader to actually interpret the doublespeak conversations properly. (If nothing else, I am tempted to take all the confusion as something of a half-win, since if the readers couldn't figure things out any eavesdroppers would presumably have an even harder time of things.)
>>PaulAsaran >>Filler >>Paracompact >>Monokeras >>Paracompact >>Monokeras
As for the title, that can pretty much be chalked up to the fact that it was literally a last-minute thing, since I totally forgot I was going to need one until I copied the story over for final proofing and submission. With about 55 seconds left I remembered the things the pope uses their signet ring to seal are called papal bulls, so I submitted the first play on that I came up with and then did the fastest search I could to see if there were any problems with it. Turns out that's a yes – the relevant part from which the edicts take that name, the seal itself, is actually called a bulla – but at that point I only had 11 seconds left, so I couldn't think of anything better to edit the title to before time ran out. (Incidentally, the reason the word "stolen" ended up omitted is that I thought of the title in the middle of reverting from trying out "pilfered", and in my haste to submit and double-check the title I neglected to actually restore the deleted "stolen".)
Also, is it possible to use proper formatting (italics/bold/size/color/smallcaps) in titles? I would've preferred to set off the "bull" with pretty much anything subtler than a dash, but I really did not want to risk it with virtually no time left.
>>Monokeras >>Filler
Do you think this is a case where a weaker hook would have made the story better? The usual advice is of course to make the hook as strong as possible, but obviously it's not good to set the reader up with an impression that's doomed to crash and burn.
>>Filler
(I also have no idea what "will" means at the very end.)
Think "he set to it with a will".
>>Dubs_Rewatcher
Finally someone gets style choice.
I laughed when I saw the second line. Thanks for the feedback ;)
Finally someone gets style choice.
I laughed when I saw the second line. Thanks for the feedback ;)
>>Anon Y Mous, >>Icenrose
The Gorgon was a maiden bold
Who turned to stone the Greeks of old
That looked upon her awful brow.
We dig them out of ruins now,
And swear that workmanship so bad
Proves all the ancient sculptors mad.
–Ambrose Bierce, The Devil’s Dictionary
Ode on a Grecian Urn, Retrospective:
Thanks for the silver! High-five to TheRiverSings and HiTime for medaling! Thanks and congrats to Baal Bunny for the inspiration!
This was done in Sculpey modeling clay. The hammer handle is a wooden dowel and the chisel is a bit from a precision screwdriver set. I got the flecks of stone dust on her shirt by baking some of the sculpey and sanding it with an emery board.
I sculpted the figures on parchment paper and then carefully slid them onto a piece of black paper for the photo. The number of snakes is fewer than I had first intended, but 1) they came out thicker than I originally meant, and 2) deadline was approaching. :) I wish I’d had another night to work on it, but I am pleased with how it turned out.
I didn’t notice the visual pun (that her position matches that of the marble statue) until after I’d finished it, but I will probably accentuate this by putting a spear in his hand.
I intend to refine this piece a bit, then “fire” it and frame it for hanging.
The Gorgon was a maiden bold
Who turned to stone the Greeks of old
That looked upon her awful brow.
We dig them out of ruins now,
And swear that workmanship so bad
Proves all the ancient sculptors mad.
–Ambrose Bierce, The Devil’s Dictionary
Ode on a Grecian Urn, Retrospective:
Thanks for the silver! High-five to TheRiverSings and HiTime for medaling! Thanks and congrats to Baal Bunny for the inspiration!
This was done in Sculpey modeling clay. The hammer handle is a wooden dowel and the chisel is a bit from a precision screwdriver set. I got the flecks of stone dust on her shirt by baking some of the sculpey and sanding it with an emery board.
I sculpted the figures on parchment paper and then carefully slid them onto a piece of black paper for the photo. The number of snakes is fewer than I had first intended, but 1) they came out thicker than I originally meant, and 2) deadline was approaching. :) I wish I’d had another night to work on it, but I am pleased with how it turned out.
I didn’t notice the visual pun (that her position matches that of the marble statue) until after I’d finished it, but I will probably accentuate this by putting a spear in his hand.
I intend to refine this piece a bit, then “fire” it and frame it for hanging.
I'll be honest: out of all the stories you submitted, this might be my least favorite (and I did really like some of the others). Which is strange, because in terms of flow and attention to detail, it does rate quite high, but the overall experience just left me with a bad taste in my mouth. The quirky style and the profanities feel like such a massive "vote-bait", where any lack of substance is covered up by the character doing a stand up comedy routine of complaining about annoying people. It got old very fast, had no real relevance to the story, and it refused to go away.
Sorry for being so blunt, but I would much rather have seen your other submissions take this one's place on the scoreboard. This one just drags them down, acting like further proof that one can either write something that challenges the reader (and be ignored) or just play to the crowd.
Sorry for being so blunt, but I would much rather have seen your other submissions take this one's place on the scoreboard. This one just drags them down, acting like further proof that one can either write something that challenges the reader (and be ignored) or just play to the crowd.
Wow, never expected you to do this sort of thing. This fic nearly slipped past my radar (even the title felt like I should probably skip it), and the phonetic spelling in the dialogues was a bit awkward for me too, but the overall experience was nice. A little generic, tug-at-the-heartstrings sort of thing, but not bad at all.
For me, what really makes it stand out is the setting, rather than the plot. Most authors make things "comfortable" for the reader with this type of story, choosing nice, clean, well-spoken people who we are expected to instantly feel sorry for when their life goes astray. Meanwhile, the more realistic and less "refined" people of the world are ignored, perhaps even looked down upon, which is why it's nice to see a story try to inspire some much needed sympathy for them. Of course, in this fic, the characters are still rather "tame", so I feel like you could have gone much further to challenge the reader, making the two even harder to like at first before showing their humanity.
For me, what really makes it stand out is the setting, rather than the plot. Most authors make things "comfortable" for the reader with this type of story, choosing nice, clean, well-spoken people who we are expected to instantly feel sorry for when their life goes astray. Meanwhile, the more realistic and less "refined" people of the world are ignored, perhaps even looked down upon, which is why it's nice to see a story try to inspire some much needed sympathy for them. Of course, in this fic, the characters are still rather "tame", so I feel like you could have gone much further to challenge the reader, making the two even harder to like at first before showing their humanity.
Loved this story, wish it had been in the top 3, but 4th place is close enough. The ending paragraph is abrupt and rather awkwardly worded compared to the rest of the story, making me feel like you should have just left it out. The story itself kind of reminds me of the style SCPs are written in -- minus the quirky [REDACTED] and other elements that have since been done to death -- which added an eerie, almost creepy atmosphere to the whole thing, especially since the setting is in the middle of the Great War (so perhaps the immense destruction and suffering can create supernatural things?) At the same time, the setting also has very sad undertone, with a clear implication that we are just dealing with a broken spirit rather than a real "fairy", to say nothing of the children.
This story is a shining example of how one can squeeze a ton of detail into just a few words. Could have used a bit more polish, but these are mere surface blemishes, while the foundations are rock solid. Well done!
This story is a shining example of how one can squeeze a ton of detail into just a few words. Could have used a bit more polish, but these are mere surface blemishes, while the foundations are rock solid. Well done!
>>Icenrose
Razed, Retro:
Thanks to the prolific BlueChameleonVI for the inspiration!
My thought process took a different path than >>Icenrose found. I think at first my visual imagination was caught by the story, and I wanted to avoid the literal “hole through the head” interpretation. Then I had the idea of the blank pad of paper for the head, with the spiral binding resembling hair, and it all fell together. The sketch was done quickly, and as should be evident I had the most trouble with the hand in the foreground; to me it doesn’t look like it quite fits. The tieclip decoration was meant to be a null symbol–∅.
We can imagine that the protagonist of the story is always seeking to take a role in life, desperate to be imprinted with a memorable identity, and thus he is offering you the pencil, its eraser almost worn away. Maybe when the eraser is all gone and the last page is drawn, he can continue to be something in the minds of others.
Razed, Retro:
Thanks to the prolific BlueChameleonVI for the inspiration!
My thought process took a different path than >>Icenrose found. I think at first my visual imagination was caught by the story, and I wanted to avoid the literal “hole through the head” interpretation. Then I had the idea of the blank pad of paper for the head, with the spiral binding resembling hair, and it all fell together. The sketch was done quickly, and as should be evident I had the most trouble with the hand in the foreground; to me it doesn’t look like it quite fits. The tieclip decoration was meant to be a null symbol–∅.
We can imagine that the protagonist of the story is always seeking to take a role in life, desperate to be imprinted with a memorable identity, and thus he is offering you the pencil, its eraser almost worn away. Maybe when the eraser is all gone and the last page is drawn, he can continue to be something in the minds of others.
Thanks, folks!
Congrats to the other medalists and a special big happy grin to Groaning, HiTime, and Anonymous for making the lovely artwork!
As soon as I saw it was a minific round, I got the itch to do some poetry. Sonnets average about 100 words apiece, so five of those in a sequence would do it. But I'm always writing sonnets, so I thought I'd try something different. I remembered somebody somewhere talking about odes written in terza rima and saying that each of the sections--strophes, they call 'em--has 14 lines and is kind of like a sonnet. So there it was.
When the prompt dropped, the idea that odes originated in ancient Greece made me think of Greek gods hiding among us in modern society, and I immediately thought of Medusa heading downtown to a pet store run by Pan to get mice for her hair. The thing changed as I wrote it and will change more before I send it out to a couple poetry venues.
Thanks again!
Mike
Congrats to the other medalists and a special big happy grin to Groaning, HiTime, and Anonymous for making the lovely artwork!
As soon as I saw it was a minific round, I got the itch to do some poetry. Sonnets average about 100 words apiece, so five of those in a sequence would do it. But I'm always writing sonnets, so I thought I'd try something different. I remembered somebody somewhere talking about odes written in terza rima and saying that each of the sections--strophes, they call 'em--has 14 lines and is kind of like a sonnet. So there it was.
When the prompt dropped, the idea that odes originated in ancient Greece made me think of Greek gods hiding among us in modern society, and I immediately thought of Medusa heading downtown to a pet store run by Pan to get mice for her hair. The thing changed as I wrote it and will change more before I send it out to a couple poetry venues.
Thanks again!
Mike
>>Hap
>>HiTime
>>Monokeras
It amuses me that someone saw this as "wordsmithed" considering I slapped it together in about 30 minutes.
Many thanks for the comments! It was interesting getting the different interpretations, but it appears my vagueness has foiled me again. The concept for this story was of a man witnessing the funeral of his father from a distance (specifically across a lake), unable to attend for being blacklisted by the rest of his family. I don't know when it became a devil analogy, but the moment that started I ran with it. I did have a few spots that specifically identified the man being buried as the narrator's father, but cut them out at the last minute thinking they were too direct. Silly me.
But really, for this contest my entire process was: See prompt > get concept > write stream of thoughts > minor cleanup > submit. If I had taken the time to stop and review the story again an hour or two later this might have been better, but I think it went well all things considered.
>>HiTime
>>Monokeras
It amuses me that someone saw this as "wordsmithed" considering I slapped it together in about 30 minutes.
Many thanks for the comments! It was interesting getting the different interpretations, but it appears my vagueness has foiled me again. The concept for this story was of a man witnessing the funeral of his father from a distance (specifically across a lake), unable to attend for being blacklisted by the rest of his family. I don't know when it became a devil analogy, but the moment that started I ran with it. I did have a few spots that specifically identified the man being buried as the narrator's father, but cut them out at the last minute thinking they were too direct. Silly me.
But really, for this contest my entire process was: See prompt > get concept > write stream of thoughts > minor cleanup > submit. If I had taken the time to stop and review the story again an hour or two later this might have been better, but I think it went well all things considered.
>>Anon Y Mous
>>Cassius
>>Rocket Lawn Chair
>>Miller Minus
>>Monokeras
>>Baal Bunny
>>HiTime
>>Paracompact
>>Hap
>>DumpsterDweller
Ah, this one. The experimental one that went closer to the edge than the other six. Totally not surprised it got a "controversial" reward, though can't say I'm totally happy with that either.
Oddly enough, it's also the only one I consider an actual full story with beginning-middle-end. Chance can be funny like that.
Firstly, ta for the comments! A real treat to garner so many voices, even if only to learn this was definitely not everyone's mug of Darjeeling. I accept my lumps. It was a likely consequence of using this style, and I knew it. But hey, I had six others to fall back on, so I felt I could give it a go.
Anyways... to address the two biggest issues, controversial one first: The swearing. Yeah, this is what happens when someone who usually doesn't swear ends up trying to cover their tracks by swearing a lot. Judging from the correct guesses anyway, it was totally unsuccessful on that front. Not to mention I actually felt uncomfortable doing it so wildly; don't expect a repeat performance anytime soon (sorry if you like this sort of flavour). I'm now wondering how it would read if the profanity were 100% expunged; perhaps the narrator would come off as less abrasive for some of you?
The other issue was figuring out what just happened. I think the main problem there is that, even in the werewolf's only line, I never said it explicitly, so the developing mystery was left hanging. For those who never figured it out: Garou did shoot Lucy, who was the werewolf's wife, simply because he shoots everything that moves. And since the werewolf had tamed himself by going meatie, the werewolf saw it as totally unjust (and also there's the obvious motive that she's his wife), therefore he tried to get revenge for her death. The other problem is that, in all the clues, there's no hint of a body; I guess I could next time chuck in something like a little memorial or burial mound in the forest, to hint more strongly at that.
Lastly, "Lou P. Garou" was just a joke. It wasn't a red herring; I thought throwing in the reference would be a laugh, and I'm actually kinda impressed some of you got it. I thought it was pretty obscure. Or else I can blame t'internet.
>>Cassius
>>Rocket Lawn Chair
>>Miller Minus
>>Monokeras
>>Baal Bunny
>>HiTime
>>Paracompact
>>Hap
>>DumpsterDweller
Ah, this one. The experimental one that went closer to the edge than the other six. Totally not surprised it got a "controversial" reward, though can't say I'm totally happy with that either.
Oddly enough, it's also the only one I consider an actual full story with beginning-middle-end. Chance can be funny like that.
Firstly, ta for the comments! A real treat to garner so many voices, even if only to learn this was definitely not everyone's mug of Darjeeling. I accept my lumps. It was a likely consequence of using this style, and I knew it. But hey, I had six others to fall back on, so I felt I could give it a go.
Anyways... to address the two biggest issues, controversial one first: The swearing. Yeah, this is what happens when someone who usually doesn't swear ends up trying to cover their tracks by swearing a lot. Judging from the correct guesses anyway, it was totally unsuccessful on that front. Not to mention I actually felt uncomfortable doing it so wildly; don't expect a repeat performance anytime soon (sorry if you like this sort of flavour). I'm now wondering how it would read if the profanity were 100% expunged; perhaps the narrator would come off as less abrasive for some of you?
The other issue was figuring out what just happened. I think the main problem there is that, even in the werewolf's only line, I never said it explicitly, so the developing mystery was left hanging. For those who never figured it out: Garou did shoot Lucy, who was the werewolf's wife, simply because he shoots everything that moves. And since the werewolf had tamed himself by going meatie, the werewolf saw it as totally unjust (and also there's the obvious motive that she's his wife), therefore he tried to get revenge for her death. The other problem is that, in all the clues, there's no hint of a body; I guess I could next time chuck in something like a little memorial or burial mound in the forest, to hint more strongly at that.
Lastly, "Lou P. Garou" was just a joke. It wasn't a red herring; I thought throwing in the reference would be a laugh, and I'm actually kinda impressed some of you got it. I thought it was pretty obscure. Or else I can blame t'internet.
>>PaulAsaran
Even with the devil analogy, the father bit still works. Within the story's (possibly) pseudo-Judeo-Christian theology, the devil is every bit as much God's son as any of the worshipers; perhaps more, as he was created directly at the beginning of the world.
I was talking to someone last night and mentioned that everyone has parental issues. Different ones, to be sure, but everyone has them.
Even mythical supernatural beings.
Even with the devil analogy, the father bit still works. Within the story's (possibly) pseudo-Judeo-Christian theology, the devil is every bit as much God's son as any of the worshipers; perhaps more, as he was created directly at the beginning of the world.
I was talking to someone last night and mentioned that everyone has parental issues. Different ones, to be sure, but everyone has them.
Even mythical supernatural beings.
>>MSPiper
Hey there, sorry this story didn't do so well, I thought it was very clever and deserved more.
With regards to your question of having a weaker hook, it isn't so much that your hook needs to be weaker, just different. The story itself is filled with what a lot of people call "intrigue", which is kind of the opposite of action in a way. That is to say, the reader isn't interested in what's exploding in the scene, but more in what the characters are saying, and what they're hiding from each other. If I could think of a contemporary example of Intrigue I would point to the new Westworld TV adaptation, or at least the first season, where the action takes a backseat to the interactions between the characters.
Westworld doesn't start with a character with a gun in their face, although that does happen sometimes. The intro is subdued, creepy, and intriguing. Which is what the rest of the show is, even if there are a few action scenes here and there.
But enough about that. The point is that if you want your story to be intriguing, then the hook should be intriguing too. The hook sets the tone of the story, which doesn't have to be weaker than an action story's hook, but it should be different if no more action is coming.
Hell, you can even start this story in the same scene, but point the reader away from the danger, and more at the fact that John has noticed the ring, and thought he was seeing it too early. Point out that he isn't too worried about the crossbow, but more about what it implies.
Hope that all makes sense. Thanks again for submitting your story!
Hey there, sorry this story didn't do so well, I thought it was very clever and deserved more.
With regards to your question of having a weaker hook, it isn't so much that your hook needs to be weaker, just different. The story itself is filled with what a lot of people call "intrigue", which is kind of the opposite of action in a way. That is to say, the reader isn't interested in what's exploding in the scene, but more in what the characters are saying, and what they're hiding from each other. If I could think of a contemporary example of Intrigue I would point to the new Westworld TV adaptation, or at least the first season, where the action takes a backseat to the interactions between the characters.
Westworld doesn't start with a character with a gun in their face, although that does happen sometimes. The intro is subdued, creepy, and intriguing. Which is what the rest of the show is, even if there are a few action scenes here and there.
But enough about that. The point is that if you want your story to be intriguing, then the hook should be intriguing too. The hook sets the tone of the story, which doesn't have to be weaker than an action story's hook, but it should be different if no more action is coming.
Hell, you can even start this story in the same scene, but point the reader away from the danger, and more at the fact that John has noticed the ring, and thought he was seeing it too early. Point out that he isn't too worried about the crossbow, but more about what it implies.
Hope that all makes sense. Thanks again for submitting your story!
>>Hap
I was thinking along similar lines as I wrote the story. In fact, I thought the common image of God as a loving father, which is alluded to in the story, would be enough to make the analogy clear. Seems that was not so, at least for some.
I was thinking along similar lines as I wrote the story. In fact, I thought the common image of God as a loving father, which is alluded to in the story, would be enough to make the analogy clear. Seems that was not so, at least for some.
>>GroaningGreyAgony
Thank you!!
The only thing I have to clear up is the way he holds the gun. It was supposed to be comedic, the way he holds it. No one sane would hold a gun that way lol.
Ummmm.
I also have absolutely no reasoning why I colored in the cuticles.
I think they didn’t look right and blended into the picture??? Past me has no idea.
Thank you!!
The only thing I have to clear up is the way he holds the gun. It was supposed to be comedic, the way he holds it. No one sane would hold a gun that way lol.
Ummmm.
I also have absolutely no reasoning why I colored in the cuticles.
I think they didn’t look right and blended into the picture??? Past me has no idea.
>>teacorgi
>>Filler
>>CoffeeMinion
Thanks so much for the feedback.
Proportions are the bane of my existence.. I really need to work on them!
It feels good to be back in 'draw-off' again
>>Filler
>>CoffeeMinion
Thanks so much for the feedback.
Proportions are the bane of my existence.. I really need to work on them!
It feels good to be back in 'draw-off' again
Reminder to everyone that there will be a meeting tomorrow to discuss changes to the schedule (among other things). See >>RogerDodger for details.
If you're unable to make the meeting time but want a particular issue discussed, say so in the #meta Discord channel beforehand.
If you're unable to make the meeting time but want a particular issue discussed, say so in the #meta Discord channel beforehand.
In case folks:
Wanna read the final version of this--and even hear me reading it--it just got posted on the Silver Blade website. :)
Mike
Wanna read the final version of this--and even hear me reading it--it just got posted on the Silver Blade website. :)
Mike