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Right in Front of You
They say that if you live in a big town, you meet at least five psychopaths a day.
I look at that girl and wonder who are the other four.
Right now, she left the store where she works every day, seven to three. I know every place where she can go for there. Lunch, friends, lunch with friends, gym, cafe? Those are about all of the possibilities. Most of people live boring, repetitive lives. Look at me, for example. I’m hanging out, watching that girl. Rinse and repeat, for the last year and a half.
We talked a few times, actually. I often go shopping in this store. A few times we met at the gym. Those are brief talks but still, I know about her more than she thinks I know. To think about it, people are rather careless about what they tell the others. I keep hearing about those morons who share their data on the internet and then suddenly realise that the money from their account is gone. Well, no wonder.
Most of people really are idiots.
I briefly look at her to see what route she took this time. She’s not an idiot. Well, no bigger than the others, including myself. Sometimes I wonder if other four guys also follow her. I look at other pedestrians, wondering which of them is also a psychopath. It’s not like it’s written on their foreheads or else my life would be a lot harder.
Maybe I don’t realise that, but one of those people is stalking me.
Maybe for every normal person, there’s another stalking them.
Maybe we all stalk each other?
Hell only knows. Why’d they even do that? Why do I do that? I don’t want to hurt her, no. I don’t really feel the need to protect her from the other four guys she may be meeting every day. Maybe I’m that second bomb on a plane? As in, you’re afraid there’s a bomb on your plane, but you’ve heard the probability of two bombs sitting in the cargo bay of a plane is infinitely smaller than if it was just one bomb.
Solution? Bring your own bomb.
No, I don’t really feel like that second bomb. My watching of her seems to have no purpose; it’s just a hobby. If she ever moves out of town or gets hit by a bus, I guess I’ll find another person to watch.
The thought of it is kinda entertaining. Goddamn guardian angel with a ten-inch thick medical history.
Maybe one day I’ll push her in front of the bus myself. That is, if I get really bored. For now, I’m not. I may be following that girl everywhere, look through her trash, break into her house every once in a while, but pushing her in front of a bus would be too much. I’d probably get caught. And let me tell you, I learned to appreciate freedom. You’d learn to appreciate it too if you went through the same stuff as me.
Thus, for now, I’m only watching. Always there. Always watching.
Always there.
Always watching.
I look at that girl and wonder who are the other four.
Right now, she left the store where she works every day, seven to three. I know every place where she can go for there. Lunch, friends, lunch with friends, gym, cafe? Those are about all of the possibilities. Most of people live boring, repetitive lives. Look at me, for example. I’m hanging out, watching that girl. Rinse and repeat, for the last year and a half.
We talked a few times, actually. I often go shopping in this store. A few times we met at the gym. Those are brief talks but still, I know about her more than she thinks I know. To think about it, people are rather careless about what they tell the others. I keep hearing about those morons who share their data on the internet and then suddenly realise that the money from their account is gone. Well, no wonder.
Most of people really are idiots.
I briefly look at her to see what route she took this time. She’s not an idiot. Well, no bigger than the others, including myself. Sometimes I wonder if other four guys also follow her. I look at other pedestrians, wondering which of them is also a psychopath. It’s not like it’s written on their foreheads or else my life would be a lot harder.
Maybe I don’t realise that, but one of those people is stalking me.
Maybe for every normal person, there’s another stalking them.
Maybe we all stalk each other?
Hell only knows. Why’d they even do that? Why do I do that? I don’t want to hurt her, no. I don’t really feel the need to protect her from the other four guys she may be meeting every day. Maybe I’m that second bomb on a plane? As in, you’re afraid there’s a bomb on your plane, but you’ve heard the probability of two bombs sitting in the cargo bay of a plane is infinitely smaller than if it was just one bomb.
Solution? Bring your own bomb.
No, I don’t really feel like that second bomb. My watching of her seems to have no purpose; it’s just a hobby. If she ever moves out of town or gets hit by a bus, I guess I’ll find another person to watch.
The thought of it is kinda entertaining. Goddamn guardian angel with a ten-inch thick medical history.
Maybe one day I’ll push her in front of the bus myself. That is, if I get really bored. For now, I’m not. I may be following that girl everywhere, look through her trash, break into her house every once in a while, but pushing her in front of a bus would be too much. I’d probably get caught. And let me tell you, I learned to appreciate freedom. You’d learn to appreciate it too if you went through the same stuff as me.
Thus, for now, I’m only watching. Always there. Always watching.
Always there.
Always watching.
Very nice:
The story and the main character's voice work quite well, though the writing's got a few hitches. In English, for instance, we say "Most people", not "Most of people", a phrase that occurs a couple times here, and the verbs get a little shaky between tenses and aspects, but that's all mechanical stuff and easily fixed. But the story and the character are solid--it makes me think of Edgar Allan Poe's "The Man of the Crowd" in some ways, and that's wunna my favorite weird little stories.
Also, the first three stories I've read in the contest have had the word "café" in them. I wonder if that'll be a trend?
Mike
The story and the main character's voice work quite well, though the writing's got a few hitches. In English, for instance, we say "Most people", not "Most of people", a phrase that occurs a couple times here, and the verbs get a little shaky between tenses and aspects, but that's all mechanical stuff and easily fixed. But the story and the character are solid--it makes me think of Edgar Allan Poe's "The Man of the Crowd" in some ways, and that's wunna my favorite weird little stories.
Also, the first three stories I've read in the contest have had the word "café" in them. I wonder if that'll be a trend?
Mike
Good Stuff: The misdirection in the opening was a good surprise, the creepiness of the character came out at a good pace to give me the chills, and similar to Song of Rain and Thunder, this explored a dark POV in a good "That's so wrong" kind of way. There's also the interesting talk on how easy it is to stalk, and I liked the speculation about psychopaths operating in society right under people's noses, including each other's. This is very subtle horror, competently executed.
Bad Stuff: The characterization feels incomplete. You convey very well that he's a psychopath, but I otherwise can't get much of a read on him, which makes this seem very by-the-numbers in some respects. I guess it would have risen higher in my estimation if it had given him some quirks that made him stand out. It's good for what it is. It's just not knock-it-out-of-the-park good, if you see what I'm trying to say. Also, some of the phrasing, like >>Baal Bunny points out, are awkward.
Verdict: Solid Entry. This one is also tending to Mid Tier for me, but it's mostly because, insights and competence aside, it also felt needlessly bland and unremarkable, like I've come across this idea before and there's little to shake things up this time. Still, well done for doing such a good job!
Bad Stuff: The characterization feels incomplete. You convey very well that he's a psychopath, but I otherwise can't get much of a read on him, which makes this seem very by-the-numbers in some respects. I guess it would have risen higher in my estimation if it had given him some quirks that made him stand out. It's good for what it is. It's just not knock-it-out-of-the-park good, if you see what I'm trying to say. Also, some of the phrasing, like >>Baal Bunny points out, are awkward.
Verdict: Solid Entry. This one is also tending to Mid Tier for me, but it's mostly because, insights and competence aside, it also felt needlessly bland and unremarkable, like I've come across this idea before and there's little to shake things up this time. Still, well done for doing such a good job!
My review:
Characters and Dialogue: Once I realized the story was about a stalker, I had high hopes for it. There's a lot you can do with that kind of character, and I'm even a sucker for the trope. Unfortunately, he seems content to just muse about seemingly random topics, and we never learn much about his particular flavor of nutty. We also learn nothing about the girl (the stalker states, of course, that she's ultimately just a thing to watch for him, nothing more nothing less, but we as the reader should like to learn something about her), which was a big disappointment, having been introduced with a line like "I look at that girl and wonder who are the other four [psychopaths]." I can't tell if that line is meant to throw you off and make you think he's referring to the girl as a psychopath when in fact he's referring to himself (and if so, that just sort of confuses my interpretation until the very end for no good reason), or there's something I'm missing.
Plot and Pacing: Still, this story gets a decent amount of musing done for a mere 520 words. It's just that the musing is uninteresting to me, and having already heard that airplane-on-a-bomb joke a couple times before, it just came off as cheesy here. The line "I keep hearing about those morons who share their data on the internet and then suddenly realise that the money from their account is gone" also sounds like the sort of thing you'd hear that series-of-tubes guy say.
Style, Flow, and Grammar: Ditto what was said about "most of people" needing to be "most people."
Final: Overall, this fic will be somewhere on the lower end of my ballot.
Characters and Dialogue: Once I realized the story was about a stalker, I had high hopes for it. There's a lot you can do with that kind of character, and I'm even a sucker for the trope. Unfortunately, he seems content to just muse about seemingly random topics, and we never learn much about his particular flavor of nutty. We also learn nothing about the girl (the stalker states, of course, that she's ultimately just a thing to watch for him, nothing more nothing less, but we as the reader should like to learn something about her), which was a big disappointment, having been introduced with a line like "I look at that girl and wonder who are the other four [psychopaths]." I can't tell if that line is meant to throw you off and make you think he's referring to the girl as a psychopath when in fact he's referring to himself (and if so, that just sort of confuses my interpretation until the very end for no good reason), or there's something I'm missing.
Plot and Pacing: Still, this story gets a decent amount of musing done for a mere 520 words. It's just that the musing is uninteresting to me, and having already heard that airplane-on-a-bomb joke a couple times before, it just came off as cheesy here. The line "I keep hearing about those morons who share their data on the internet and then suddenly realise that the money from their account is gone" also sounds like the sort of thing you'd hear that series-of-tubes guy say.
Style, Flow, and Grammar: Ditto what was said about "most of people" needing to be "most people."
Final: Overall, this fic will be somewhere on the lower end of my ballot.
Well, okay, the concept this one is based on is like an old hat. It’s been done a lot of times, and this story doesn’t really add anything new to this overused trope. Sure, it has its moments, with tinges of humour and such, but it doesn’t leave a noticeable aftertaste. TBH, I think it is too much on the nose. It would have benefitted from being a little more mysterious, like, let the reader think the narrator is sane up to the very latest sentence, which casts a doubt over all we have been assuming so far. Late recontextualization would help, even a little lampshading. But here, it’s way too obvious and it kills the fun.
