Hey! It looks like you're new here. You might want to check out the introduction.
Show rules for this event
>>Posh
I've come here to defend my stance on pizza in bags.
Applejack shall not be mocked for such a want in her life. Leftover pizza shall, and will always, be shoved into bags of her liking. Cannibal or not, please respect her decision to do so.
Thank you.
I've come here to defend my stance on pizza in bags.
Applejack shall not be mocked for such a want in her life. Leftover pizza shall, and will always, be shoved into bags of her liking. Cannibal or not, please respect her decision to do so.
Thank you.
While a brilliant opening and the generally high quality of the execution will keep this near the top of my slate, the story's lack of development and its ultimately lackluster ending prevent this story from being truly great. I am in awe of your prose, but a lot of the scenario presented doesn't hold up.
So yes. This is more stream of consciousness of my mood at the time than anything else, hence no story, because it wans't so much a story as a brief essay on a set of feelings. Apologies on that aspet, but also not really sorry since it was more a 'Sunny, make something' project than anything else. Just ...yea. It got melancholy fast.
>>Astrarian
The title is 'Glass' as in a combination of 'Feeling fragile as glass' and also like, walking through a field of broken glass in which any action is pain, but so is inaction.
>>Astrarian
The title is 'Glass' as in a combination of 'Feeling fragile as glass' and also like, walking through a field of broken glass in which any action is pain, but so is inaction.
Like a couple pieces this round:
This one struck me as all set-up with no punchline. The set-up's got some funny stuff in it, but I was waiting for a bigger wallop at the end than I got. From all the talk of outrage among the citizenry, I was expected to learn at the end that the whole town had been swept off the map by a flood, but I'm left not quite sure what everypony's supposed to be so mad about...
Mike
This one struck me as all set-up with no punchline. The set-up's got some funny stuff in it, but I was waiting for a bigger wallop at the end than I got. From all the talk of outrage among the citizenry, I was expected to learn at the end that the whole town had been swept off the map by a flood, but I'm left not quite sure what everypony's supposed to be so mad about...
Mike
Not sure this works for me, for the reasons mentioned - it's a little part of a more epic story than there could possibly be space to execute satisfyingly in a minific, and the premise doesn't seem likely to play out very well.
I do, however, think that it's potentially the start of something great, with a little more development and cleverness to Luna's plan.
Those are mostly strategic gripes about the big picture of where this could be headed. The one big stumble with the tactical execution of what's here is Luna's somewhat painful expositing of the plan to Celestia. Revealing information in conversations like this needs to be done such that those conversations are naturally necessary for the characters involved, rather than for the benefit of readers.
I do, however, think that it's potentially the start of something great, with a little more development and cleverness to Luna's plan.
Those are mostly strategic gripes about the big picture of where this could be headed. The one big stumble with the tactical execution of what's here is Luna's somewhat painful expositing of the plan to Celestia. Revealing information in conversations like this needs to be done such that those conversations are naturally necessary for the characters involved, rather than for the benefit of readers.
The end with Iggy really sells the whole piece. At first, I thought that foul taste was a poorly baked final cupcake or something, but I quit being daft and realized he just lied to his daughter. But, it was what she needed to hear, and sometimes parents have to do things they don't like for the benefit of their children.
That said, I'll echo some of the above in that the dialogue could use some character polish, and perhaps some more focus on Igneous's emotional state leading up to his decision to bite his tongue. Otherwise, pretty good work.
That said, I'll echo some of the above in that the dialogue could use some character polish, and perhaps some more focus on Igneous's emotional state leading up to his decision to bite his tongue. Otherwise, pretty good work.
I think it's the character work that really makes this one shine; deadpan Cadence is wonderfully snarky and melodramatic Rarity is just exactly enough - but not quite too much - over the top.
Some bits felt slightly stilted - 'restful sleeps' and 'thinly cracked' especially felt off to me for some reason - but this was mostly a fun romp. It's comedy, which tends to lag a bit behind drama for me, but it has several good jokes in there, and the pacing is great.
Nice work!
Some bits felt slightly stilted - 'restful sleeps' and 'thinly cracked' especially felt off to me for some reason - but this was mostly a fun romp. It's comedy, which tends to lag a bit behind drama for me, but it has several good jokes in there, and the pacing is great.
Nice work!
This feels like another one of those 'here's a neat idea' fics to me. It's neat, yeah, but I'm not seeing a lot of actual... I dunno, conflict? Change? Progression? The decision has been made, the deed is done, all that's left is to wrap things up and put a stinger on it. It's nicely crafted (although the mob both crashing against the gates and also being held back by a cordon seems contradictory to me) but it didn't affect me much emotionally. There's a touch of something at watching Luna sacrifice herself, but I figured out what was going on in the first third or so, and once the surprise was gone, the story didn't seem to do a whole lot else.
Nice work, thanks for writing. I guess this didn't evoke much in the way of emotions for me, because I don't feel like much actually happened here.
Nice work, thanks for writing. I guess this didn't evoke much in the way of emotions for me, because I don't feel like much actually happened here.
Huh. You really packed a lot into here.
Not really sure what to say on this one. It seems like it should be firing on all cylinders; three act structure, framing device, even strong ties between the pieces, but... I'm just not feeling it. Maybe it's because it's all in the past? Hearing about something that's 'happened' doesn't quite have the same impact as something that's going on, and because it's all summary, it's not very immersive... maybe? I dunno.
Anyways. this is alright I guess. Uh, calling Shining Armor 'Shiny' in narration struck me as odd. Also, I was never quite sure what the great thing Spike is talking about in the first sentence is supposed to be. I guess it's just getting together with friends? I originally thought it was just being outside, which seemed a bit odd.
Sorry if I'm not much help here. Thanks for writing!
Not really sure what to say on this one. It seems like it should be firing on all cylinders; three act structure, framing device, even strong ties between the pieces, but... I'm just not feeling it. Maybe it's because it's all in the past? Hearing about something that's 'happened' doesn't quite have the same impact as something that's going on, and because it's all summary, it's not very immersive... maybe? I dunno.
Anyways. this is alright I guess. Uh, calling Shining Armor 'Shiny' in narration struck me as odd. Also, I was never quite sure what the great thing Spike is talking about in the first sentence is supposed to be. I guess it's just getting together with friends? I originally thought it was just being outside, which seemed a bit odd.
Sorry if I'm not much help here. Thanks for writing!
This is an excellent comedy, with some sharp set-ups and punchlines, delivered by two characters playing off one another with some delightful (and surprisingly in character, given the direction that the piece takes!) dialogue. That said, I think that Rarity's played a bit too over the top with her melodrama, but the exaggeration doesn't feel like it's completely out of character for her.
Yeah, between this and Sugarcoated (which I just realized I have yet to review :V), it's gonna be tough to decide what takes the top spot on my finals ballot.
Yeah, between this and Sugarcoated (which I just realized I have yet to review :V), it's gonna be tough to decide what takes the top spot on my finals ballot.
Not a bad premise, if one that's sort of recycled from an episode or two of the show. The most significant complaint I think I came away with was feeling like the foreshadowing was a little heavy-hoofed. That's hard to avoid when it's Discord doing Discordy things (because who else is going to be the culprit?), so I can't give the story too big a knock for it, but it does leave the reveal sort of flat.
Something this story was very strong at was covering a lot of ground in the available space - I think many authors would have been hard-pressed to relay three different people's rough weeks and then manage a tie-together conclusion in the word limit and have it feel like it wasn't crowded or unnaturally clipped off at points, so good job with that.
Something this story was very strong at was covering a lot of ground in the available space - I think many authors would have been hard-pressed to relay three different people's rough weeks and then manage a tie-together conclusion in the word limit and have it feel like it wasn't crowded or unnaturally clipped off at points, so good job with that.
I think, if I had to sum up my biggest problem with this story...
...this line would serve to encapsulate it. This whole set-up feels so stilted and unnatural, like it's forcing a discussion on these world-building elements by omitting crucial elements of it. How did Twilight find out about Lilith? What, exactly, did Lilith do? Stuff that could, and should, be built up and explored as part of a larger mystery, is just fed to the reader straight out the gate, with dialogue and interactions that simply do not feel natural.
That's probably at least due to the constraints of the minific round. I'm willing to cut it some slack for that (and, for the record, I think this piece is splendidly written, in a technical sense), but in my opinion, it sacrifices too much of its potential to ultimately work as a story.
"Twilight somehow found out about Lilith."
...this line would serve to encapsulate it. This whole set-up feels so stilted and unnatural, like it's forcing a discussion on these world-building elements by omitting crucial elements of it. How did Twilight find out about Lilith? What, exactly, did Lilith do? Stuff that could, and should, be built up and explored as part of a larger mystery, is just fed to the reader straight out the gate, with dialogue and interactions that simply do not feel natural.
That's probably at least due to the constraints of the minific round. I'm willing to cut it some slack for that (and, for the record, I think this piece is splendidly written, in a technical sense), but in my opinion, it sacrifices too much of its potential to ultimately work as a story.
The linchpin to this story, I think, is that horses bare their teeth at other horses as a threat - usually a prelude to biting or sometimes kicking. It might be a bit inside baseball, but I'd see it from time to time back when I was a roustabout at a stable, especially if I was a little late around feeding time and the horses were impatient. I think you understand this, Writer, since you go out of your way to differentiate between the smiling ponies and what the horse is doing, and it gels with the general unsettledness of your perspective character.
>>Icenrose
Horses don’t bare their teeth as a warning in the same way dogs do. They usually only show their teeth either immediately before biting, or as something called the flehmen response (the silly hoers faec with a flipped upper lip). The flehmen response most often occurs when a stallion smells a mare in heat, or when a horse smells something interesting/unfamiliar in general.
The author intentionally references the corners of the mouth jerking up, not the upper lip, harking back to the feeling of a bit and reigns. I 100% agree that it helps the overall unsettled nature of the story, but I just wanted to point out that a “natural” reaction would be slightly different from what we see here. However, it’s possible that your explanation is the one the author was going for, just skewed a little by tiny biological inaccuracies.
Horses don’t bare their teeth as a warning in the same way dogs do. They usually only show their teeth either immediately before biting, or as something called the flehmen response (the silly hoers faec with a flipped upper lip). The flehmen response most often occurs when a stallion smells a mare in heat, or when a horse smells something interesting/unfamiliar in general.
The author intentionally references the corners of the mouth jerking up, not the upper lip, harking back to the feeling of a bit and reigns. I 100% agree that it helps the overall unsettled nature of the story, but I just wanted to point out that a “natural” reaction would be slightly different from what we see here. However, it’s possible that your explanation is the one the author was going for, just skewed a little by tiny biological inaccuracies.
Writeoff Mash-Ups: Finals Edition
Sugardelta: "I just don't know what to do with him, Princess Cadance; I talk, and all he does is make that, that... that face at me! With the teeth! You know the one, right? Ugh, I thought he was going to be exotic, and thrilling, but we have nothing in common and -- Cadance, dear, how much crystal vodka have you consumed today?"
"Not... enough..."
The Dog Ate My Gameday: Discord's latest plan to lure his chums together for a night of Ogres and Oubliettes backfires when Thorax, the lynchpin of it all, steals and consumes everypony's lovingly crafted character sheets.
The River of Hatred Gazes Back: In desperation over her wings, Twilight decides to follow in Lilith's hoofsteps, ending her life by disseminating herself in the River of Dreams and making everypony in Equestria feel very passive-aggressive and depressed. Scootaloo intervenes before she can end it all, however, her angst inspiring Twilight to just hand the damn things over to her. Problem solved!
Fear of Dam You: Twilight, consummate politician, finally finds herself at a loss when somepony asks how she plans to evict Chrysalis, who is draped languorously atop the hydroelectric dam and refuses to leave.
The Price She Changed: "Mom, how come you and Dad don't look each other in the eye anymore?"
"Well, I can't speak for him, exactly. But as for myself, I sacrificed all the love I felt for him in order to make you such a sweetheart."
"Mom, that doesn't make a whole lot of sense."
"Don't think too hard about it. Now, I think I hear Rarity coming, so I'm gonna camp out in my shoe closet. If she asks, tell her I, uh. Died."
"But you're immortal."
"Well, actually... mm, no, I don't think we're ready for that talk yet."
Sugardelta: "I just don't know what to do with him, Princess Cadance; I talk, and all he does is make that, that... that face at me! With the teeth! You know the one, right? Ugh, I thought he was going to be exotic, and thrilling, but we have nothing in common and -- Cadance, dear, how much crystal vodka have you consumed today?"
"Not... enough..."
The Dog Ate My Gameday: Discord's latest plan to lure his chums together for a night of Ogres and Oubliettes backfires when Thorax, the lynchpin of it all, steals and consumes everypony's lovingly crafted character sheets.
The River of Hatred Gazes Back: In desperation over her wings, Twilight decides to follow in Lilith's hoofsteps, ending her life by disseminating herself in the River of Dreams and making everypony in Equestria feel very passive-aggressive and depressed. Scootaloo intervenes before she can end it all, however, her angst inspiring Twilight to just hand the damn things over to her. Problem solved!
Fear of Dam You: Twilight, consummate politician, finally finds herself at a loss when somepony asks how she plans to evict Chrysalis, who is draped languorously atop the hydroelectric dam and refuses to leave.
The Price She Changed: "Mom, how come you and Dad don't look each other in the eye anymore?"
"Well, I can't speak for him, exactly. But as for myself, I sacrificed all the love I felt for him in order to make you such a sweetheart."
"Mom, that doesn't make a whole lot of sense."
"Don't think too hard about it. Now, I think I hear Rarity coming, so I'm gonna camp out in my shoe closet. If she asks, tell her I, uh. Died."
"But you're immortal."
"Well, actually... mm, no, I don't think we're ready for that talk yet."
I love this.
I probably would still love it if it wasn't the Pies, but they make me love it even more. Thus far I've found that doing right by my kids is a horribly messy business, and oversimplifying interactions with them tends to come at a cost to their confidence or development. Maybe that's on me to Git Gud at it, but I could easily see being in Igneous' horseshoes, having lost a child from "the way"--but being presented with the opportunity to leave them with some confidence and the willingness to come home again. This could be a bit cleaner and tighter but I think it packs a wallop by laying bare that tension in a way that feels true to all the characters.
That is all.
I probably would still love it if it wasn't the Pies, but they make me love it even more. Thus far I've found that doing right by my kids is a horribly messy business, and oversimplifying interactions with them tends to come at a cost to their confidence or development. Maybe that's on me to Git Gud at it, but I could easily see being in Igneous' horseshoes, having lost a child from "the way"--but being presented with the opportunity to leave them with some confidence and the willingness to come home again. This could be a bit cleaner and tighter but I think it packs a wallop by laying bare that tension in a way that feels true to all the characters.
That is all.
Hey!
Grats to the medalists and all entrants alike. Great job, mates! :)
>>Haze
>>Rao
>>Fenton
>>horizon
>>Winston
>>Not_A_Hat
I love you guys! I know this piece had many flaws. It was written on the back of an envelope in a couple of hours, so I wasn’t expecting it to make finals at all, especially given the lukewarm reviews it got. This was a big 'n wonderful surprise! I was, however, convinced from the get-go it would then finish last of the pack (which it did). But I was thrilled to see that short scene being bagged together with the entries of the WriteOff’s greatest writers.
Frankly, the goal here was more to get myself back to writing in English after a long hiatus, because, you know, life has been hectic since my return from the South pole. I‘m super chuffed the English was up to scratch and no one noticed it was written by a non-native guy. That’s awesomely cool.
I can't promise I’ll take part in another event very soon, but at least I’ll do my best to try and rustle up something during an upcoming minific round.
Once again, hail to the winners and ❤️ to all!
Grats to the medalists and all entrants alike. Great job, mates! :)
>>Haze
>>Rao
>>Fenton
>>horizon
>>Winston
>>Not_A_Hat
I love you guys! I know this piece had many flaws. It was written on the back of an envelope in a couple of hours, so I wasn’t expecting it to make finals at all, especially given the lukewarm reviews it got. This was a big 'n wonderful surprise! I was, however, convinced from the get-go it would then finish last of the pack (which it did). But I was thrilled to see that short scene being bagged together with the entries of the WriteOff’s greatest writers.
Frankly, the goal here was more to get myself back to writing in English after a long hiatus, because, you know, life has been hectic since my return from the South pole. I‘m super chuffed the English was up to scratch and no one noticed it was written by a non-native guy. That’s awesomely cool.
I can't promise I’ll take part in another event very soon, but at least I’ll do my best to try and rustle up something during an upcoming minific round.
Once again, hail to the winners and ❤️ to all!
Build me a bridge - retrospective
So this story idea came to me pretty quickly; I saw the prompt and thought "what pony would make a good character in a story about lies? Applejack. What sort of lie would it make sense for Applejack to tell? A lie that showed how much she loved somepony. Who's most likely to put her in a situation where she would lie? Rarity."
Anyways, that was enough to frame up the story for me. The structure just kinda happened. I wrote it in a few hours at the library, then edited it heavily when I got home.
It's rare that I get a workable idea so clearly or so early. It wasn't quite as nice as when you feel really inspired, with the words just flowing onto the page, but it was nice to have something concrete to work from, without having to struggle for who's doing what and what's going on.
>>GaPJaxie
>>Rao
>>Posh
Thanks for all the kind words, guys. I don't enter the writeoff in expectation of compliments, but they sure are nice to get. :)
>>Winston
Thanks for the feedback! So, I did think about this while I was writing, and what I intended was that, when Applejack tells Rarity she had a wonderful time, it was a lie - but when Rarity smiles back, it makes her evening, and tips the balance over to it being true.
I guess that didn't come across super strongly, but yeah. I kinda wanted a duality thing going on. By being said, the lie becomes the truth, shades of gray sort of thing.
>>Baal Bunny
Thanks for the criticism! I gotta admit, I didn't consider the tone of her narration when writing. I was careful to add AJ's quirks to her spoken lines, because I wanted it to be immediately clear who was talking, but I guess I just figured third-person was a 'distant' enough narrator it would be alright. Maybe I made it too personal for that.
On the other hand, I do find writing in her voice to be somewhat tiresome... I'm not sure how well I would have done even if I did try. Still, I definitely should have considered it.
Thanks to everyone who read and voted, and congrats to dear, sweet Posh and GroaningGreyAgony on their medals!
I'm glad I entered this round (and not just because I did well - every time I write, I wonder why I don't write more...) and I hope to see you all next time.
So this story idea came to me pretty quickly; I saw the prompt and thought "what pony would make a good character in a story about lies? Applejack. What sort of lie would it make sense for Applejack to tell? A lie that showed how much she loved somepony. Who's most likely to put her in a situation where she would lie? Rarity."
Anyways, that was enough to frame up the story for me. The structure just kinda happened. I wrote it in a few hours at the library, then edited it heavily when I got home.
It's rare that I get a workable idea so clearly or so early. It wasn't quite as nice as when you feel really inspired, with the words just flowing onto the page, but it was nice to have something concrete to work from, without having to struggle for who's doing what and what's going on.
>>GaPJaxie
>>Rao
>>Posh
Thanks for all the kind words, guys. I don't enter the writeoff in expectation of compliments, but they sure are nice to get. :)
>>Winston
Thanks for the feedback! So, I did think about this while I was writing, and what I intended was that, when Applejack tells Rarity she had a wonderful time, it was a lie - but when Rarity smiles back, it makes her evening, and tips the balance over to it being true.
I guess that didn't come across super strongly, but yeah. I kinda wanted a duality thing going on. By being said, the lie becomes the truth, shades of gray sort of thing.
>>Baal Bunny
Thanks for the criticism! I gotta admit, I didn't consider the tone of her narration when writing. I was careful to add AJ's quirks to her spoken lines, because I wanted it to be immediately clear who was talking, but I guess I just figured third-person was a 'distant' enough narrator it would be alright. Maybe I made it too personal for that.
On the other hand, I do find writing in her voice to be somewhat tiresome... I'm not sure how well I would have done even if I did try. Still, I definitely should have considered it.
Thanks to everyone who read and voted, and congrats to dear, sweet Posh and GroaningGreyAgony on their medals!
I'm glad I entered this round (and not just because I did well - every time I write, I wonder why I don't write more...) and I hope to see you all next time.
Congrats to our winners:
And thanks for the comments, folks! As the twenty-four hour writing period was wrapping up, I still had no idea how to end this, so I figured I'd "crowdsource" the problem, post it here, and see if anyone had any suggestions. So thanks especially to >>GaPJaxie for pointing me toward the punchline--Spike asking, "Why do we play this game again?" and the others reacting to that. Now to polish it up over the next week and enter it in Aragon's Comedy is Serious Business contest!
Mike
And thanks for the comments, folks! As the twenty-four hour writing period was wrapping up, I still had no idea how to end this, so I figured I'd "crowdsource" the problem, post it here, and see if anyone had any suggestions. So thanks especially to >>GaPJaxie for pointing me toward the punchline--Spike asking, "Why do we play this game again?" and the others reacting to that. Now to polish it up over the next week and enter it in Aragon's Comedy is Serious Business contest!
Mike
>>Haze
I accept this "crackfic" description. A first for me! I'm sorry to see it didn't place better (or, I should say, I'm sorry the humor didn't land well since I agree with the ranking), but I had a ton of fun writing it. The concept was just silly. ^_^
>>Rao
I'm glad you liked it! Hopefully the polished version (when it eventually becomes FiMFic ready) will be just as funny.
>>Not_A_Hat
>>Winston
>>Astrarian
>>Baal Bunny
Thanks for the feedback everyone! It's pretty clear that the humor didn't quite land across the board. I'd go a little further and say that it doesn't need an edit, it needs a heavy rewrite due to structural issues. I think a lot of that is due to the length, so getting to expand it out for FiMFic will hopefully resolve a lot of these problems.
I accept this "crackfic" description. A first for me! I'm sorry to see it didn't place better (or, I should say, I'm sorry the humor didn't land well since I agree with the ranking), but I had a ton of fun writing it. The concept was just silly. ^_^
>>Rao
I'm glad you liked it! Hopefully the polished version (when it eventually becomes FiMFic ready) will be just as funny.
>>Not_A_Hat
>>Winston
>>Astrarian
>>Baal Bunny
Thanks for the feedback everyone! It's pretty clear that the humor didn't quite land across the board. I'd go a little further and say that it doesn't need an edit, it needs a heavy rewrite due to structural issues. I think a lot of that is due to the length, so getting to expand it out for FiMFic will hopefully resolve a lot of these problems.
The Sky Retrospects Back
Quick shout-out to Andrew Rogue for pre-reading, and a big word of thanks to everyone for reading, critiquing, and helping me get a shiny yellow icon next to my name on the score screen.
So.
You know, whenever I sit down to brainstorm for a writeoff, there's always a great deal of hand-wringing and hyperventilating as I go through idea after idea after idea, rejecting most of them and finally landing on something that's, more or less, workable. Something similar happened with this round, where I tossed the original idea I had, but kept the structure and scenario more or less intact.
The first version of this story, which I partially wrote, was about Starlight and Trixie in their love-wagon. Trixie asked Starlight "you'd tell me if you stopped loving me, right?" and Starlight hemmed and hawed for a while before giving Trixie some tepid, non-committal reassurance. There may or may not have been a river, too.
I realized I wasn't really feeling the idea after getting about halfway into it, and went back to the drawing board. Went through a couple more (including one which was similar to The Dog Ate My Homework) before going back to basics, and recasting the story with Scootaloo and Dashie.
...And re-conceptualizing the conversation, naturally.
>>Not_A_Hat
>>GaPJaxie
>>Baal Bunny
>>Cold in Gardez
>>CoffeeMinion
>>Astrarian
I think the primary critique I got on this piece was that it was very... straightforward, let's say. Didn't really experiment, or even fully embrace the core ideas behind it. On both counts, I agree. For the first, it hasn't escaped my notice that my minifics all tend to be about two characters having a conversation (except for Starlight Glimmer's Brand New Boinger, which was about three characters having a conversation), often while something wacky happens in the background.
For the second... I mean, there's supposed to be a darker undercurrent to the conversation between Scoots and Dashie. Dashie's nakedly honest at the start of the story when she says she'd rather die than live without flight, backpedals to reassure Scootaloo, but is left unsettled at the end of the story, regardless. The idea's in her mind now, and it's not something she can really shake. That's really what the story's supposed to be driving at, but it's not a message that I think I really commit to. Y'know? That was a criticism that Andrew had when prereading, and it's one that I think I'd like to address if/when this makes the transition to FiMfic.
I'm not entirely sure how I'd do that, exactly. I was thinking some additional narration in the second half of the story, but... I dunno. What do you all think?
Anyway, thanks again, glad you enjoyed.
Oh, re: Baal Bunny
This... actually occurred to me upon rereading it, post-submission. Heh.
Quick shout-out to Andrew Rogue for pre-reading, and a big word of thanks to everyone for reading, critiquing, and helping me get a shiny yellow icon next to my name on the score screen.
So.
You know, whenever I sit down to brainstorm for a writeoff, there's always a great deal of hand-wringing and hyperventilating as I go through idea after idea after idea, rejecting most of them and finally landing on something that's, more or less, workable. Something similar happened with this round, where I tossed the original idea I had, but kept the structure and scenario more or less intact.
The first version of this story, which I partially wrote, was about Starlight and Trixie in their love-wagon. Trixie asked Starlight "you'd tell me if you stopped loving me, right?" and Starlight hemmed and hawed for a while before giving Trixie some tepid, non-committal reassurance. There may or may not have been a river, too.
I realized I wasn't really feeling the idea after getting about halfway into it, and went back to the drawing board. Went through a couple more (including one which was similar to The Dog Ate My Homework) before going back to basics, and recasting the story with Scootaloo and Dashie.
...And re-conceptualizing the conversation, naturally.
>>Not_A_Hat
>>GaPJaxie
>>Baal Bunny
>>Cold in Gardez
>>CoffeeMinion
>>Astrarian
I think the primary critique I got on this piece was that it was very... straightforward, let's say. Didn't really experiment, or even fully embrace the core ideas behind it. On both counts, I agree. For the first, it hasn't escaped my notice that my minifics all tend to be about two characters having a conversation (except for Starlight Glimmer's Brand New Boinger, which was about three characters having a conversation), often while something wacky happens in the background.
For the second... I mean, there's supposed to be a darker undercurrent to the conversation between Scoots and Dashie. Dashie's nakedly honest at the start of the story when she says she'd rather die than live without flight, backpedals to reassure Scootaloo, but is left unsettled at the end of the story, regardless. The idea's in her mind now, and it's not something she can really shake. That's really what the story's supposed to be driving at, but it's not a message that I think I really commit to. Y'know? That was a criticism that Andrew had when prereading, and it's one that I think I'd like to address if/when this makes the transition to FiMfic.
I'm not entirely sure how I'd do that, exactly. I was thinking some additional narration in the second half of the story, but... I dunno. What do you all think?
Anyway, thanks again, glad you enjoyed.
Oh, re: Baal Bunny
The only suggestion I could make would be to have Dash at the end acknowledge in her own mind that bringing a kid who can't fly up onto a high cloud and then falling asleep maybe isn't the best idea in the world.
This... actually occurred to me upon rereading it, post-submission. Heh.
>>Caliaponia
>>GaPJaxie
>>Not_A_Hat
>>Rao
>>Posh
>>horizon
\o/ Woo! Got to the finals! It's more than I was hoping for, so I'm happy with that.
I'm not gonna lie, I rushed to submit this as fast as possible once it was exactly long enough. I panicked about time, despite having multiple hours to spare. Because of this, I didn't give myself the chance to use my logic gland, resulting in some pretty glaring flaws, namely communication. I have no idea how this slipped by me. I could have simply let them talk around the subject, with Shining lying to protect her in his mind, and Cadance unwilling to call him out on it because she's extremely insecure and afraid of losing him after just getting him back (this was supposed to be set shortly after the wedding, less than a month later). This would more easily show how both were scarred by the invasion in different ways, which is what I was trying to go for. Looking back, Cadance's section doesn't do the best job of portraying that.
Perhaps there are other fixes for this, but that's the first thing that came to mind.
Posh:
I was experimentingwith my college friends with telling a story through the aftermath. There's no story happening because it already happened, if that makes sense. I wanted the reader to put the pieces together about what happened. I can clarify in detail if you want, since I seem to have missed the mark in that regard.
Horizon: I think I can make it more clear that it's Cadance by having her think about how she nearly lost Shining once to a mere bug, and now she might lose him again because she isn't good enough. It would play more on the idea that Cadance is insecure and thinks that Shining wouldn't have fallen if he really loved her, or if she were worth loving at all. However, now you've put it in my mind to turn this into Chrysalis's POV, or maybe an intentionally vague POV that could have either her or Cadance as the first part, with Shining oblivious to the possible ruse. That'd be pretty neat.
Anywho, thank you all for the feedback! I will use it wisely. o7
>>GaPJaxie
>>Not_A_Hat
>>Rao
>>Posh
>>horizon
\o/ Woo! Got to the finals! It's more than I was hoping for, so I'm happy with that.
I'm not gonna lie, I rushed to submit this as fast as possible once it was exactly long enough. I panicked about time, despite having multiple hours to spare. Because of this, I didn't give myself the chance to use my logic gland, resulting in some pretty glaring flaws, namely communication. I have no idea how this slipped by me. I could have simply let them talk around the subject, with Shining lying to protect her in his mind, and Cadance unwilling to call him out on it because she's extremely insecure and afraid of losing him after just getting him back (this was supposed to be set shortly after the wedding, less than a month later). This would more easily show how both were scarred by the invasion in different ways, which is what I was trying to go for. Looking back, Cadance's section doesn't do the best job of portraying that.
Perhaps there are other fixes for this, but that's the first thing that came to mind.
Posh:
the lack of an actual narrative (as opposed to these two segments of introspection) make it difficult for me to invest anything in the piece itself.
I was experimenting
Horizon: I think I can make it more clear that it's Cadance by having her think about how she nearly lost Shining once to a mere bug, and now she might lose him again because she isn't good enough. It would play more on the idea that Cadance is insecure and thinks that Shining wouldn't have fallen if he really loved her, or if she were worth loving at all. However, now you've put it in my mind to turn this into Chrysalis's POV, or maybe an intentionally vague POV that could have either her or Cadance as the first part, with Shining oblivious to the possible ruse. That'd be pretty neat.
Anywho, thank you all for the feedback! I will use it wisely. o7
>>Posh
Doing super creative and original stuff is cool, but the classics are classics because they resonate with people. There's (almost) always room for a fresh take that's well-executed, but the difficulty lies in being fresh enough to not just feel like another me-too.
(Something something highbrow cromulence) :-p
Doing super creative and original stuff is cool, but the classics are classics because they resonate with people. There's (almost) always room for a fresh take that's well-executed, but the difficulty lies in being fresh enough to not just feel like another me-too.
(Something something highbrow cromulence) :-p
>>Not_A_Hat
It occurs to me:
That you could add another level to the whole "truth vs. white lies" thing by having this formal sort of narrative be Applejack's actual internal voice. We saw in "Cutie Mark Chronicles" that she spoke quite eruditely when she was living in Manehattan with the Oranges: maybe she's kept that up in her inner thoughts even after resuming her countryfied way of speaking.
Or maybe I just think about ponies too much... :)
Mike
It occurs to me:
That you could add another level to the whole "truth vs. white lies" thing by having this formal sort of narrative be Applejack's actual internal voice. We saw in "Cutie Mark Chronicles" that she spoke quite eruditely when she was living in Manehattan with the Oranges: maybe she's kept that up in her inner thoughts even after resuming her countryfied way of speaking.
Or maybe I just think about ponies too much... :)
Mike
>>Baal Bunny
Huh. That's a pretty good idea, and it wouldn't take more than a few lines to set up...
If I revisit this, I'll be sure to consider that. Thanks for the suggestion. :)
Huh. That's a pretty good idea, and it wouldn't take more than a few lines to set up...
If I revisit this, I'll be sure to consider that. Thanks for the suggestion. :)
Oops. 😬 I completely forgot to create the FIMFiction folder for this round's competition at the end of the round. Thanks to a prod from Mr. Demon Bunny, I've rectified that.
If you've expanded your story to 1000 words and published it to FIMFiction, go ahead and add it to the group folder!
(If not, feel free to get on the "make minifics 500-1000 words" bandwagon so that we can publish more of these stories once we're done with them here.)
And please, always feel free to poke me here, on Discord, or on FIMFiction PM if you want to add a story to the group folders and I've forgotten to do my job. :derpyderp2:
If you've expanded your story to 1000 words and published it to FIMFiction, go ahead and add it to the group folder!
(If not, feel free to get on the "make minifics 500-1000 words" bandwagon so that we can publish more of these stories once we're done with them here.)
And please, always feel free to poke me here, on Discord, or on FIMFiction PM if you want to add a story to the group folders and I've forgotten to do my job. :derpyderp2:
>>Not_A_Hat, >>dragon discord, >>2Merr, >>Caliaponia, >>horizon, >>GaPJaxie, >>Icenrose, >>2Merr
Sugarcoated
Okay, I have to break this non-retrospective streak. Thanks for the bronze, and the thoughtful reviews!
Here’s what I had in mind as I developed this:
The protagonist is a horse aware of her situation, and the plight of her whole species. They were once free herds, making the plains shake with their hooves, until the demons came down out of the trees, the ones that make fire and metal bars and strip the skin from corpses to make reins and saddles. The enslavers of free races, stealers and warpers of destiny, shackling and culling and breeding and reshaping, dignifying their crimes with the name of ‘domestication’.
But this isn’t the worst part. That comes when the enslavers eradicate the identity of the race they enslaved, miscasting them in their stories, letting the ancient truths die unsung as things like horses are shown as unironically assuming the manners and behaviors of their conquerors. The protagonist, seeking refuge amid other like her but faced with this betrayal, is not even permitted the dignity of her own honest reactions, but must join them in a final false smile. The bit and reins may be metaphoric here, but they are still present.
Thanks again for the comments and praise, congrats and condolences to all as appropriate, and I’ll see you next round!
Sugarcoated
Okay, I have to break this non-retrospective streak. Thanks for the bronze, and the thoughtful reviews!
Here’s what I had in mind as I developed this:
The protagonist is a horse aware of her situation, and the plight of her whole species. They were once free herds, making the plains shake with their hooves, until the demons came down out of the trees, the ones that make fire and metal bars and strip the skin from corpses to make reins and saddles. The enslavers of free races, stealers and warpers of destiny, shackling and culling and breeding and reshaping, dignifying their crimes with the name of ‘domestication’.
But this isn’t the worst part. That comes when the enslavers eradicate the identity of the race they enslaved, miscasting them in their stories, letting the ancient truths die unsung as things like horses are shown as unironically assuming the manners and behaviors of their conquerors. The protagonist, seeking refuge amid other like her but faced with this betrayal, is not even permitted the dignity of her own honest reactions, but must join them in a final false smile. The bit and reins may be metaphoric here, but they are still present.
Thanks again for the comments and praise, congrats and condolences to all as appropriate, and I’ll see you next round!
>>horizon
(I am down for bandwagoning on this 500-1000 thing but am uncertain how best to make it happen)
EDIT: I have posted a request to the FimFiction group.
(I am down for bandwagoning on this 500-1000 thing but am uncertain how best to make it happen)
EDIT: I have posted a request to the FimFiction group.
>>Haze
>>GaPJaxie
>>Anon Y Mous
>>2Merr
>>Not_A_Hat
>>Posh
LIVE only on FIMFICTION.
More words!
More jokes!
A better title!
Click here for this exclusive offer!
Also P.S. I may have quoted some of you in the description hope that's coolio if it's not send all grievances to my P.O. Box.
Thanks again for all your help!
>>GaPJaxie
>>Anon Y Mous
>>2Merr
>>Not_A_Hat
>>Posh
LIVE only on FIMFICTION.
More words!
More jokes!
A better title!
Click here for this exclusive offer!
Also P.S. I may have quoted some of you in the description hope that's coolio if it's not send all grievances to my P.O. Box.
Thanks again for all your help!