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Moonbound
Celestia scrutinized Luna, who offered a feeble smile in return. “Are you really prepared to do this, sis? You know—” she said.
Celestia faltered as Luna turned around and walked to one of the many oversized windows of her sister’s bedroom. She opened it and looked out down below. The angry mob, tens of thousands of motley spots shifting and eddying was there, of course, as it was the day before, and the day before that one too. It had been there for over two weeks now, day and night, relentlessly pushing and crashing against the castle’s gates. The thin line of guards that cordoned off the royal palace could hardly keep it at bay.
From that lofty spot Luna could not hear what the mob was yelling. The words were slurred, but the hostile, hateful tone was unmistakable. Squinting her eyes, she thought she could make out a large sign depicting her hanged from the gallows.
Luna slowly spun around to face her sister. Celestia’s expression blended sorrow and resignation. “Do I have any choice?” Luna asked. “Let the situation fester anymore, and the kingdom is doomed. All we have fought for since the beginning swept away. Shall we permit our world to relapse into endless warfare and destruction?”
Celestia did not answer. Tears welled up in her eyes. At last, she shook her head silently.
“The needs of the many,” Luna continued, and her face was stern now, “outweigh the needs of the few, or the one. And it’s only a millennium.”
“Will they buy it?” Celestia asked, softly sobbing.
“They will. They will see you as their savior. You will have rescued them from a peril so much greater than what they protest against now. Their cause will seem petty, vain. They will adore you, worship you like a goddess. Of course, they will hate me more, if that is possible. But then they will forget. Oblivion will shroud my figure in murk, and wipe the slate clean. After a thousand years, the time will be ripe for me to rise again.”
“Why did you have to sign that edict alone?” Celestia asked.
“One of us had to sacrifice herself, sis. The situation could not endure. Tribes’ privileges had to be rescinded, lest we built a society based on inequality, prejudice and resentment. The choice was simple. You can’t vanish. I can. They shan’t miss me.”
“But I shall,” Celestia protested.
Luna walked to her sister and hugged her tight. Celestia’s body was twitching, and her tears were flowing freely now. “Hush, hush,” Luna whispered at her sister’s ear. “It will be hard at first, but then you will get used to it. You will do great. You always did.”
Luna broke the embrace, took a handful of steps back, and sighed. “Now, if you would excuse me,” she said, “it is time for me to part. I still have bits of my role to rehearse. Just to be certain to fit in perfectly, you know?”
She walked to the door, opened it, and went ahead into the corridor.
“Luna?” Celestia’s voice called behind her.
Luna stopped, and turned around once more. Her sister was standing on the threshold, looking at her as if it was the last time they would see each other.
Luna smiled gently. “Luna,” she said, “is dead. My name is Nightmare Moon now.”
Celestia faltered as Luna turned around and walked to one of the many oversized windows of her sister’s bedroom. She opened it and looked out down below. The angry mob, tens of thousands of motley spots shifting and eddying was there, of course, as it was the day before, and the day before that one too. It had been there for over two weeks now, day and night, relentlessly pushing and crashing against the castle’s gates. The thin line of guards that cordoned off the royal palace could hardly keep it at bay.
From that lofty spot Luna could not hear what the mob was yelling. The words were slurred, but the hostile, hateful tone was unmistakable. Squinting her eyes, she thought she could make out a large sign depicting her hanged from the gallows.
Luna slowly spun around to face her sister. Celestia’s expression blended sorrow and resignation. “Do I have any choice?” Luna asked. “Let the situation fester anymore, and the kingdom is doomed. All we have fought for since the beginning swept away. Shall we permit our world to relapse into endless warfare and destruction?”
Celestia did not answer. Tears welled up in her eyes. At last, she shook her head silently.
“The needs of the many,” Luna continued, and her face was stern now, “outweigh the needs of the few, or the one. And it’s only a millennium.”
“Will they buy it?” Celestia asked, softly sobbing.
“They will. They will see you as their savior. You will have rescued them from a peril so much greater than what they protest against now. Their cause will seem petty, vain. They will adore you, worship you like a goddess. Of course, they will hate me more, if that is possible. But then they will forget. Oblivion will shroud my figure in murk, and wipe the slate clean. After a thousand years, the time will be ripe for me to rise again.”
“Why did you have to sign that edict alone?” Celestia asked.
“One of us had to sacrifice herself, sis. The situation could not endure. Tribes’ privileges had to be rescinded, lest we built a society based on inequality, prejudice and resentment. The choice was simple. You can’t vanish. I can. They shan’t miss me.”
“But I shall,” Celestia protested.
Luna walked to her sister and hugged her tight. Celestia’s body was twitching, and her tears were flowing freely now. “Hush, hush,” Luna whispered at her sister’s ear. “It will be hard at first, but then you will get used to it. You will do great. You always did.”
Luna broke the embrace, took a handful of steps back, and sighed. “Now, if you would excuse me,” she said, “it is time for me to part. I still have bits of my role to rehearse. Just to be certain to fit in perfectly, you know?”
She walked to the door, opened it, and went ahead into the corridor.
“Luna?” Celestia’s voice called behind her.
Luna stopped, and turned around once more. Her sister was standing on the threshold, looking at her as if it was the last time they would see each other.
Luna smiled gently. “Luna,” she said, “is dead. My name is Nightmare Moon now.”
She's the princess Equestria deserves, but not the one it needs right now
this comes across as mere headcanon explanation, instead of a story.
this comes across as mere headcanon explanation, instead of a story.
It's cool, in a self-sacrificing, false-flag-gone-right kind of way, but there's not a whole lot of narrative arc or emotion packed into it in spite of the stakes and cause. I feel like just a little taste of the tribal tension that forced Luna's hoof would spice up the beginning, too.
Even a headcannon story, I can buy it, you don't really have to sell it hard to me. Problem is that I don't know how Luna's sacrifice will help Equestria. And having the characters repeating that it's important, that there is no other way etc doesn't help either.
In fact:
Those are awesome lines on one hand, but on the other hand, they feel completely stupid. It's like Luna is hammering the idea in her sister's mind, instead of giving an explanation. Thus, her action seems pointless and stupid. I almost expected a line towards the end explaining that Luna has lied and that she planned the whole thing in order to enjoy a long vacation away from all her responsibilities.
And I understand that explaining a political situation that ends up in a civil war where the only choice the princesses have is for Luna to be banished to the Moon is something hard to fit in 750 words (I'm even wondering if this is possible), but, unfortunately, without that explanation, the story can't work for me.
In fact:
“Will they buy it?” Celestia asked, softly sobbing.
“They will. They will see you as their savior. You will have rescued them from a peril so much greater than what they protest against now. Their cause will seem petty, vain. They will adore you, worship you like a goddess. Of course, they will hate me more, if that is possible. But then they will forget. Oblivion will shroud my figure in murk, and wipe the slate clean. After a thousand years, the time will be ripe for me to rise again.”
Those are awesome lines on one hand, but on the other hand, they feel completely stupid. It's like Luna is hammering the idea in her sister's mind, instead of giving an explanation. Thus, her action seems pointless and stupid. I almost expected a line towards the end explaining that Luna has lied and that she planned the whole thing in order to enjoy a long vacation away from all her responsibilities.
And I understand that explaining a political situation that ends up in a civil war where the only choice the princesses have is for Luna to be banished to the Moon is something hard to fit in 750 words (I'm even wondering if this is possible), but, unfortunately, without that explanation, the story can't work for me.
I both want to like this and actually do like it, but I do have a fairly central point of hesitation. The implication here is that Luna signed the tribal edicts knowing that the tribes would overreact and then she could sacrifice herself to keep Celestia's reputation clean — but then if she turns herself into Nightmare Moon, the edicts will be rejected as the product of a madmare, and her sacrifice will be for nothing. Or else Celestia herself will have to go to the mat for them, which brings them back around to the original problem of dragging Celestia's reputation through the mud.
The premise, in short, doesn't work, which is a shame because I am all about the idea of the lunar banishment as a secret plot.
I think that might be fixable by spacing the events out by a few decades. It's a generational game of Good Cop, Bad Cop, and Luna signs the edicts knowing that ponies will be upset but not quite knowing how long the resentment would linger. So decades later, with her popularity still in the basement, she goes "evil" to give the now-united tribes a common enemy (and because her reputation has caught up with her to the point where she can no longer push ponies forward). After her defeat Celestia gets to point to the edicts and say "Ironically, she's the one who set up her own defeat by bringing you all together," and create Nightmare Night or something as a celebration of unity.
Regardless, top half of slate for me. Thanks for writing!
The premise, in short, doesn't work, which is a shame because I am all about the idea of the lunar banishment as a secret plot.
I think that might be fixable by spacing the events out by a few decades. It's a generational game of Good Cop, Bad Cop, and Luna signs the edicts knowing that ponies will be upset but not quite knowing how long the resentment would linger. So decades later, with her popularity still in the basement, she goes "evil" to give the now-united tribes a common enemy (and because her reputation has caught up with her to the point where she can no longer push ponies forward). After her defeat Celestia gets to point to the edicts and say "Ironically, she's the one who set up her own defeat by bringing you all together," and create Nightmare Night or something as a celebration of unity.
Regardless, top half of slate for me. Thanks for writing!
Not sure this works for me, for the reasons mentioned - it's a little part of a more epic story than there could possibly be space to execute satisfyingly in a minific, and the premise doesn't seem likely to play out very well.
I do, however, think that it's potentially the start of something great, with a little more development and cleverness to Luna's plan.
Those are mostly strategic gripes about the big picture of where this could be headed. The one big stumble with the tactical execution of what's here is Luna's somewhat painful expositing of the plan to Celestia. Revealing information in conversations like this needs to be done such that those conversations are naturally necessary for the characters involved, rather than for the benefit of readers.
I do, however, think that it's potentially the start of something great, with a little more development and cleverness to Luna's plan.
Those are mostly strategic gripes about the big picture of where this could be headed. The one big stumble with the tactical execution of what's here is Luna's somewhat painful expositing of the plan to Celestia. Revealing information in conversations like this needs to be done such that those conversations are naturally necessary for the characters involved, rather than for the benefit of readers.
This feels like another one of those 'here's a neat idea' fics to me. It's neat, yeah, but I'm not seeing a lot of actual... I dunno, conflict? Change? Progression? The decision has been made, the deed is done, all that's left is to wrap things up and put a stinger on it. It's nicely crafted (although the mob both crashing against the gates and also being held back by a cordon seems contradictory to me) but it didn't affect me much emotionally. There's a touch of something at watching Luna sacrifice herself, but I figured out what was going on in the first third or so, and once the surprise was gone, the story didn't seem to do a whole lot else.
Nice work, thanks for writing. I guess this didn't evoke much in the way of emotions for me, because I don't feel like much actually happened here.
Nice work, thanks for writing. I guess this didn't evoke much in the way of emotions for me, because I don't feel like much actually happened here.
Hey!
Grats to the medalists and all entrants alike. Great job, mates! :)
>>Haze
>>Rao
>>Fenton
>>horizon
>>Winston
>>Not_A_Hat
I love you guys! I know this piece had many flaws. It was written on the back of an envelope in a couple of hours, so I wasn’t expecting it to make finals at all, especially given the lukewarm reviews it got. This was a big 'n wonderful surprise! I was, however, convinced from the get-go it would then finish last of the pack (which it did). But I was thrilled to see that short scene being bagged together with the entries of the WriteOff’s greatest writers.
Frankly, the goal here was more to get myself back to writing in English after a long hiatus, because, you know, life has been hectic since my return from the South pole. I‘m super chuffed the English was up to scratch and no one noticed it was written by a non-native guy. That’s awesomely cool.
I can't promise I’ll take part in another event very soon, but at least I’ll do my best to try and rustle up something during an upcoming minific round.
Once again, hail to the winners and ❤️ to all!
Grats to the medalists and all entrants alike. Great job, mates! :)
>>Haze
>>Rao
>>Fenton
>>horizon
>>Winston
>>Not_A_Hat
I love you guys! I know this piece had many flaws. It was written on the back of an envelope in a couple of hours, so I wasn’t expecting it to make finals at all, especially given the lukewarm reviews it got. This was a big 'n wonderful surprise! I was, however, convinced from the get-go it would then finish last of the pack (which it did). But I was thrilled to see that short scene being bagged together with the entries of the WriteOff’s greatest writers.
Frankly, the goal here was more to get myself back to writing in English after a long hiatus, because, you know, life has been hectic since my return from the South pole. I‘m super chuffed the English was up to scratch and no one noticed it was written by a non-native guy. That’s awesomely cool.
I can't promise I’ll take part in another event very soon, but at least I’ll do my best to try and rustle up something during an upcoming minific round.
Once again, hail to the winners and ❤️ to all!