the prompt connection feels kinda forced, and it's a little distracting when it comes up again at the end as a metaphor. but whatever, this story's so hilarious, none of that brings it down. great fun.

This story had no real payoff -- it doesn't conclude so much as just end. That said, the journey was pretty funny! Rarity's antics are well realized, and Cadence's dull reaction to them is equally well portrayed by the narrator.

Good job!

"I'm drowning in a river of LIES!"

roll credits!

I think I should be completely honest here. On my first read, I thought this was about average, maybe even a bit below. I guess the humor just didn’t land for the most part. That may have been the product of my lack of coffee at the time, but I think I should bring it up anyway because why not. Read number two brought some very bright spots to my attention, though.



You did a good job with Rarity’s natural overacting, plus Cadance’s dialogue felt dead and sluggish (as it should in her state). You don’t stretch any of the jokes out, leaving just enough to make a funny before moving to the next bit. However, the thing that I absolutely love is the setup at the beginning. Cadance hears wails approaching while she laments her sleepless nights. The reader expects the wails to be Flurry, but those expectations are subverted when it turns out to be Rarity, who almost immediately asks about Flurry Heart. That was golden, in my opinion.

Aside from that, the whole river motif is forced, but gold star for making the attempt. Better to shoot and miss than to not shoot at all. Unless you hit a kid or something. Then it’s bad.

I think it's the character work that really makes this one shine; deadpan Cadence is wonderfully snarky and melodramatic Rarity is just exactly enough - but not quite too much - over the top.

Some bits felt slightly stilted - 'restful sleeps' and 'thinly cracked' especially felt off to me for some reason - but this was mostly a fun romp. It's comedy, which tends to lag a bit behind drama for me, but it has several good jokes in there, and the pacing is great.

Nice work!

This is an excellent comedy, with some sharp set-ups and punchlines, delivered by two characters playing off one another with some delightful (and surprisingly in character, given the direction that the piece takes!) dialogue. That said, I think that Rarity's played a bit too over the top with her melodrama, but the exaggeration doesn't feel like it's completely out of character for her.

Yeah, between this and Sugarcoated (which I just realized I have yet to review :V), it's gonna be tough to decide what takes the top spot on my finals ballot.

>>Haze
>>GaPJaxie
>>Anon Y Mous
>>2Merr
>>Not_A_Hat
>>Posh

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Also P.S. I may have quoted some of you in the description hope that's coolio if it's not send all grievances to my P.O. Box.

Thanks again for all your help!