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Eh, I really wasn't feeling it with this one. The idea of being late to your girlfriend's dinner because of alternate universes is amusing, but the story makes the fatal error of telling us this instead of showing it. That's the major problem with stories like this, where one character tells another a wacky story: they need to have interesting enough personalities to keep us invested in them. With this, it's just two stereotypes (the cold girlfriend and the wacky free spirit) talking to each other, with nothing else to keep us interested. It can certainly be done, but I don't think this story succeeded in doing it.
3/10, not enough Oreo milkshakes
3/10, not enough Oreo milkshakes
This is one of those stories that I don't really like, per se, but definitely consider to be well-written. The protagonist's interaction with the other fellow was interesting to watch, and I liked the easygoing nature of the piece. The atmosphere was also nice, and I thought it caught the party feeling pretty well.
As for what I didn't like, I thought the constant breaks (-) were a little too prominent. I get that it's to symbolize the possible shifts in reality and work as a paragraph separator, but it felt a bit unnecessary, given that the ending justifies the usage of the prompt regardless. I also didn't think the main character was that fleshed out. The other guy at least came off as snarky and a tad abrasive, so it really highlighted the main character's blandness.
6/10, this turned me into an asexual
As for what I didn't like, I thought the constant breaks (-) were a little too prominent. I get that it's to symbolize the possible shifts in reality and work as a paragraph separator, but it felt a bit unnecessary, given that the ending justifies the usage of the prompt regardless. I also didn't think the main character was that fleshed out. The other guy at least came off as snarky and a tad abrasive, so it really highlighted the main character's blandness.
6/10, this turned me into an asexual
Well, that's certainly an interesting direction to take. Norse mythology isn't really my forte, but it was intriguing to see what the story did with it. The style of only having Hela talk was also pretty interesting, given that it helped play into the second-person perspective the story is in. The atmosphere of this place was pretty nice as well.
But in the end, this story didn't really seem to have much of a "direction". Was it about accepting death? The risks of growing old? I bring this up because, while it's certainly a nice experience, I don't think it's much more than that. It's fine if stories don't have morals or any real message, but there needs to be a little more emotional push behind this if it's to succeed as a purely emotional experience.
7/10, Loki will pay for his treachery
But in the end, this story didn't really seem to have much of a "direction". Was it about accepting death? The risks of growing old? I bring this up because, while it's certainly a nice experience, I don't think it's much more than that. It's fine if stories don't have morals or any real message, but there needs to be a little more emotional push behind this if it's to succeed as a purely emotional experience.
7/10, Loki will pay for his treachery
On the whole, this was a sweet little story. Dealing with disapproving guardians is definitely relatable, and the dialogue felt fairly down-to-earth. The only things that bugged me was that the daughter seemed a little too bland, and that the opening was a bit too over-the-top. From that description, I thought she was a literal human supercomputer and was doing all of these things simultaneously. I get that the story's doing a childish exaggeration (because the narrator's, well, a child), but I still think it could've been toned down just a little.
7/10, now off to astronaut school
7/10, now off to astronaut school
For a story that's a set-up to just one joke, that was actually pretty decent. Though personally, I think the courtroom invader should've been a little more heightened body details, like being purple-skinned or having some bizarre alien anatomy. But other than that, it was a pretty good punchline.
7/10, best day in court since the Scopes Monkey Trial
7/10, best day in court since the Scopes Monkey Trial
On the one hand, I like what's going on here. The idea of the interdimensional bureaucracy dooming a man is a universal theme (pun unintended), and I like that the bureaucrat remains undescribed. It gives the story an extra sense of unease.
However, I also think the story itself is a bit too flimsy. Other than being a bit flippant and having wife troubles, the main character doesn't come across as all that interesting. I also think that the "sentience form" explanation makes no sense. If this guy had traveled between dimensions before, wouldn't he know about such forms already? Unless they're a new implement (which, since the story doesn't specify this, I assume they're not), this conflict shouldn't even exist.
5/10, fill out this paperwork if you want to see a more in-depth review
However, I also think the story itself is a bit too flimsy. Other than being a bit flippant and having wife troubles, the main character doesn't come across as all that interesting. I also think that the "sentience form" explanation makes no sense. If this guy had traveled between dimensions before, wouldn't he know about such forms already? Unless they're a new implement (which, since the story doesn't specify this, I assume they're not), this conflict shouldn't even exist.
5/10, fill out this paperwork if you want to see a more in-depth review
With all the explanations of the analogy above, I feel a little sheepish about saying I didn't really care for this one. But I'm sorry, I don't really think it works. While I admire making the story focus on drag racing in a unique way, I feel like this story does a lot more telling than showing. I know, I know, limited word prompt and all the details won't be able to be fully fleshed out, but if the double's going to tell me a story right in the middle of this story, it better be one that holds my attention. That's the problem with stories-within-stories: they need to try even harder to keep the narrative focused. The drag racing tale was almost there, but it got a bit too longwinded for my taste. Call me a pleb, but I just didn't care for this one.
4/10, gotta go fast
4/10, gotta go fast
This is... a solidly well written little vignette, but yeah, even with my far extended tolerance for low prompt connections, this is pushing it. In a a different round, this would be an upper end story. This round? Unfortunately not.
Eh, I don't really care for this one. The sci-fi stuff was pretty decent, and the trictrics were kind of interesting to see. But the characters didn't really jump out at me, and that ending felt like it was trying a bit too hard to be clever. Fit your ending to your story, not the other way around.
3/10, darn critters got in my walls again
3/10, darn critters got in my walls again
Instead of going out with a bang for my final review, I will instead go out with a whimper and just say >>horizon nailed my thoughts pretty well.
I could tell where the joke was going pretty quickly, but it was still entertaining to read. Only thing I wish would be Alec wearing even more ridiculous get-up (like some obscure TV show or those abnormally large-framed glasses), just to accentuate the comedy. But as is, it's serviceable enough.
7/10, don't even ask me about the "We Bare Bears" season finale
7/10, don't even ask me about the "We Bare Bears" season finale
It's an interesting idea, dimensional traveling ports. However, as many others have said, the execution felt a bit too simplistic and predictable. I wouldn't have minded that much if it the story hadn't spent so much build-up on it. This just needs a little bit of tinkering for it to really work.
5/10, going out for a drink with myself
5/10, going out for a drink with myself
Speaking as someone who's never read The Canterbury Tales, I thought this story was pretty middle-of-the-road. The twist is executed fine, but with all the technobabble, it made it a bit of a chore to read. Given the story's trying to be comedic, it kind of shoots itself in the foot when you make the reading experience more irritating than amusing.
4/10, don't push the "reply" button if you like this universe
4/10, don't push the "reply" button if you like this universe
There's an interesting idea here, I don't doubt it. The problem is that the vagueness makes it a bit too unclear what's going on, so it's hard to get invested in this guy's journey. With another draft, maybe something more interesting could be obtained, but as is, it's not really clear what this story was aiming at.
2/10, gotta go climb up this mountain
2/10, gotta go climb up this mountain
Chiming in with ’Drew: point docked for dropping the prompt, and not very cleverly either.
Chiming in with Horizon: what's the point of the Dean scene if mind-readers/telepaths exist in this world?
Chiming in with Trick: There's a lot of vocabulary to guzzle down.
The ending drew a smile from me, but still, it looks like you were trying to shoot two birds with the same stone, but your stone was barely large enough to even stun one. As a result, we're left with the second arc dangling, and… that's unsatisfactory.
Chiming in with Horizon: what's the point of the Dean scene if mind-readers/telepaths exist in this world?
Chiming in with Trick: There's a lot of vocabulary to guzzle down.
The ending drew a smile from me, but still, it looks like you were trying to shoot two birds with the same stone, but your stone was barely large enough to even stun one. As a result, we're left with the second arc dangling, and… that's unsatisfactory.
Okay, I give this story points for being the most bonkers story by far in this contest. Whereas a lot of other writers would've tried to tone it down, this one just went full-stop on the crazy train.
That being said, the humor didn't really tickle my fancy. Having the loud and obnoxious "Ronald Crump" was pretty cliche, and I knew exactly what the punchline was going to be with that final joke. It's such an old and well-known ribtickler that you'd have to tell it in such a unique way to get me to chuckle over it, which this story really didn't. Points for trying, but sorry.
3/10, Ronald Crump 2020
That being said, the humor didn't really tickle my fancy. Having the loud and obnoxious "Ronald Crump" was pretty cliche, and I knew exactly what the punchline was going to be with that final joke. It's such an old and well-known ribtickler that you'd have to tell it in such a unique way to get me to chuckle over it, which this story really didn't. Points for trying, but sorry.
3/10, Ronald Crump 2020
I'm not going to be original here. You begin by what seems to be a lighthearted comedy with a pair of non-standard wizards conjuring up a non-standard demon, then out of left field the story veers towards the unforeshadowed conflict between the two "lovers" and ends. As others noted, it's a bit blunt.
At least you could've hinted before the spell casting that something was wrong. Like, you could've made the spell a sort of love spell meant to patch up their relation, but the girl picks up the wrong spell and conjures that demon instead, and then the guy is so furious he catches the opportunity of the spell to sneak away…
At least you could've hinted before the spell casting that something was wrong. Like, you could've made the spell a sort of love spell meant to patch up their relation, but the girl picks up the wrong spell and conjures that demon instead, and then the guy is so furious he catches the opportunity of the spell to sneak away…
Hmm the concept is interesting but is not really exploited in depth. I mean you could've established a setup like the cartoon Whacky Races and all Dr Jacob's copies could be competing to find the right dimension in which the Earth is habitable and sustains life. Suddenly the snotty Jacobs appears and calls the other dumbass or something for not having thought about using the multiverse finder.
Here, the story is insubstantial, because we don't really know why the guy is looking for a habitable Earth. Also, weak hook.
Here, the story is insubstantial, because we don't really know why the guy is looking for a habitable Earth. Also, weak hook.
You mean "Sinistro" like in sinister? Oh I get it that's a proper name. I'm unfamiliar with the backdrop.
Sinistrus in Latin meant left, and was the direction of ill omens. Thereby the modern sense.
Some vignettes were fun, other less so. I like the whacky, nonsensical humour here, very much in line with my own. I found the ending a bit weak though, as if you suddenly baulked at carrying the story to its logical conclusion. Like you sanitised the end for the sake… of what? As a result, it feels half backed to me.
Sinistrus in Latin meant left, and was the direction of ill omens. Thereby the modern sense.
Some vignettes were fun, other less so. I like the whacky, nonsensical humour here, very much in line with my own. I found the ending a bit weak though, as if you suddenly baulked at carrying the story to its logical conclusion. Like you sanitised the end for the sake… of what? As a result, it feels half backed to me.
Mmpf. The idea is interesting and depressing at the same time. If everything is predetermined, what liberty still exists? I'm a way, quantum mechanics has buoyed up the idea of free will that had been scuppered by the 17th century mechanistic approach: if we function like machines, then knowing enough of our initial variables and of the laws we are subjected to leads to the prediction of all future states.
Anyways.
What I do not understand is why that disappointing result is kept hidden and even concealed under false math. The machine works but points to non divergent universes. Right, so be it. Admit that and move on. But why should that be hushed up? I mean, just for other students to bang their heads and find the elephant in the room? What's the point of all this swindle? That's what I don't get, and it ruins the story in part, because finally that's a big question I care about and which is never answered.
Anyways.
What I do not understand is why that disappointing result is kept hidden and even concealed under false math. The machine works but points to non divergent universes. Right, so be it. Admit that and move on. But why should that be hushed up? I mean, just for other students to bang their heads and find the elephant in the room? What's the point of all this swindle? That's what I don't get, and it ruins the story in part, because finally that's a big question I care about and which is never answered.
I'll comment a bit more on this. I ranked high, but there are still three things that bugs me:
1. The reaction of the grandmother doesn't sound right to me. If I were an immigrant in a foreign country, having my daughter become professor in a major university would be a huge accomplishment. I don't understand the feeling of disappointment she expresses.
2. The multiple universes passage seems forced, yanked into the story just to connect it to the prompt. It doesn't really relates to the rest, and doesn't really add anything meaningful either.
3. What's the father's role in this? He's pretty much absent. And that's rather strange, since boys are usually more sensible to what their dads do, rather than their mothers.
On the whole, I liked it though, and found it less maudlin and cliché than *Trucks*.
1. The reaction of the grandmother doesn't sound right to me. If I were an immigrant in a foreign country, having my daughter become professor in a major university would be a huge accomplishment. I don't understand the feeling of disappointment she expresses.
2. The multiple universes passage seems forced, yanked into the story just to connect it to the prompt. It doesn't really relates to the rest, and doesn't really add anything meaningful either.
3. What's the father's role in this? He's pretty much absent. And that's rather strange, since boys are usually more sensible to what their dads do, rather than their mothers.
On the whole, I liked it though, and found it less maudlin and cliché than *Trucks*.
I think, much like >>Dubs_Rewatcher that you squandered a good idea. That “gathering” of Dans could've been fun, but here too much is spent in the prologue. We don't even know why the others are here, and what's the purpose of the meeting. Also it seems very unlikely someone in that sort of meeting keeps looking at the ceiling and totally ignores the other participants. How would he find his chair?
There's definitely something good to delve into here, but the execution is lacking.
There's definitely something good to delve into here, but the execution is lacking.
Post by
Monokeras
, deleted
Finishing with my two own stories… 34 reviews, done!
Good luck to finalists, especially Mono & Fen's adventures! 😜
So I'll keep that short because no one cares anyway —
Toothsome Armageddon
>>Haze
>>Ratlab
>>AndrewRogue
>>Ranmilia
>>Cassius
>>Bachiavellian
>>Dubs_Rewatcher
>>libertydude
Thanks to Haze for liking this. Yeah, that was random. When I wrote it I had misread the prompt, thinking it was dimensions rather than universes. So yeah, dimensions like kilometres and miles.
Trictrics
>>Fenton
>>libertydude
>>Bachiavellian
>>AndrewRogue
>>Ratlab
>>Ranmilia
Found the name amusing. Characters are basic because T-lymphocytes aren't supposed to be boffins but efficient sharpshooters.
Didn't think of the show Fenton mentioned (excellent by the way).
Idea here was that even in our universe, things live in very different realities that can be considered parallel: atoms, cells, living beings and celestial bodies. All exist together, but they hardly interact one another. Like they lay in separate universes.
Thanks Andrew for the "solid prose". Made my day.
See you next round maybe!
Good luck to finalists, especially Mono & Fen's adventures! 😜
So I'll keep that short because no one cares anyway —
Toothsome Armageddon
>>Haze
>>Ratlab
>>AndrewRogue
>>Ranmilia
>>Cassius
>>Bachiavellian
>>Dubs_Rewatcher
>>libertydude
Thanks to Haze for liking this. Yeah, that was random. When I wrote it I had misread the prompt, thinking it was dimensions rather than universes. So yeah, dimensions like kilometres and miles.
Trictrics
>>Fenton
>>libertydude
>>Bachiavellian
>>AndrewRogue
>>Ratlab
>>Ranmilia
Found the name amusing. Characters are basic because T-lymphocytes aren't supposed to be boffins but efficient sharpshooters.
Didn't think of the show Fenton mentioned (excellent by the way).
Idea here was that even in our universe, things live in very different realities that can be considered parallel: atoms, cells, living beings and celestial bodies. All exist together, but they hardly interact one another. Like they lay in separate universes.
Thanks Andrew for the "solid prose". Made my day.
See you next round maybe!
>>Trick_Question
>>horizon
>>Not_A_Hat
>>Ranmilia
>>Cassius
>>AndrewRogue
>>Dubs_Rewatcher
>>Monokeras
You convinced me. I'll write the full adventure and force you to give feedback! Seriously, though, I'll try to start thus soonish and see how it goes :D
Yep about the mind readers. I just thought if them as anti cheat monitors, not full mind readers. Would have been better to skip that O:)
Huge thanks for all your feedback!
>>horizon
>>Not_A_Hat
>>Ranmilia
>>Cassius
>>AndrewRogue
>>Dubs_Rewatcher
>>Monokeras
You convinced me. I'll write the full adventure and force you to give feedback! Seriously, though, I'll try to start thus soonish and see how it goes :D
Yep about the mind readers. I just thought if them as anti cheat monitors, not full mind readers. Would have been better to skip that O:)
Huge thanks for all your feedback!
>>GroaningGreyAgony
>>Ratlab
>>Fenton
>>Ranmilia
>>AndrewRogue
>>Foehn
>>Dubs_Rewatcher
>>Monokeras
So this is story's lack of success I think is a cautionary tale of putting all your eggs in one basket and hiding the basket in a place only >>AndrewRogue and >>Foehn could find. Or rather, if you're going to write a joke story, make sure the joke that makes the entire story function is visible.
So I hear you asking, Cassius, what is joke? Why would you write a story that's played 90% straight and try to tonally whiplash the entire mood in the last 100 words? Are you made of dumb?
So >>Dubs_Rewatcher and >>Ranmilia both mention that the story has a lot of "filler" where I painstakingly detail every minute step of Dr. Jacob's dimension travelling process. That is there for a reason, and it is not just there to waste your time, although wasting your time is part of the overall effect. It is to establish the tedium of the process, which is later undercut by the alt!Jacobs just jumping out the portal with the greatest of ease and berating him for being too stupid to figure out a better method to travel. It's basically the story of the Gordian Knot retold in sci-fi form, except you have an alternative you mocking you for being too stupid to just cut the damn knot and the added insult of knowing that you are the dumbest idiot version of you across the multiverse for not thinking of that to begin with. That was the joke. Please clap.
The overall intention of the story was to take the piss out of "hard" science fiction, which always seems to focus on these excessive details of how something functions rather than just have it function. Dimensional travel would in any practical sense be a lot more like examining into a billion empty vacuums from afar to make sure it doesn't kill you, but that is fucking boring.
protip don't have contempt for the conventions of the genre you're writing in
>>GroaningGreyAgony
>>Ratlab
Why is Jacobs so rude to himself? Basically because the alt!Jacobs recognizes that prime!Jacob is a hack failure and being so terrible at his job that he had to actually intervene to find him, rather than him just discover how to travel on his own. He's not helping him to be nice, he's helping him to be patronizing.
As always, thanks everyone for commenting.
>>Ratlab
>>Fenton
>>Ranmilia
>>AndrewRogue
>>Foehn
>>Dubs_Rewatcher
>>Monokeras
So this is story's lack of success I think is a cautionary tale of putting all your eggs in one basket and hiding the basket in a place only >>AndrewRogue and >>Foehn could find. Or rather, if you're going to write a joke story, make sure the joke that makes the entire story function is visible.
So I hear you asking, Cassius, what is joke? Why would you write a story that's played 90% straight and try to tonally whiplash the entire mood in the last 100 words? Are you made of dumb?
So >>Dubs_Rewatcher and >>Ranmilia both mention that the story has a lot of "filler" where I painstakingly detail every minute step of Dr. Jacob's dimension travelling process. That is there for a reason, and it is not just there to waste your time, although wasting your time is part of the overall effect. It is to establish the tedium of the process, which is later undercut by the alt!Jacobs just jumping out the portal with the greatest of ease and berating him for being too stupid to figure out a better method to travel. It's basically the story of the Gordian Knot retold in sci-fi form, except you have an alternative you mocking you for being too stupid to just cut the damn knot and the added insult of knowing that you are the dumbest idiot version of you across the multiverse for not thinking of that to begin with. That was the joke. Please clap.
The overall intention of the story was to take the piss out of "hard" science fiction, which always seems to focus on these excessive details of how something functions rather than just have it function. Dimensional travel would in any practical sense be a lot more like examining into a billion empty vacuums from afar to make sure it doesn't kill you, but that is fucking boring.
protip don't have contempt for the conventions of the genre you're writing in
>>GroaningGreyAgony
>>Ratlab
Why is Jacobs so rude to himself? Basically because the alt!Jacobs recognizes that prime!Jacob is a hack failure and being so terrible at his job that he had to actually intervene to find him, rather than him just discover how to travel on his own. He's not helping him to be nice, he's helping him to be patronizing.
As always, thanks everyone for commenting.
RETROSPECTIVE:
I should've focused more on establishing a horror tone, and taken out the boring parts.
I should've focused more on establishing a horror tone, and taken out the boring parts.
Sorry I haven't been more involved, but Trotcon is currently ongoing. :derpytongue2:
Retrospective
So, okay! There's no way I made the cut because everypony hated my story, and clearly I made the mistake of—
...
WAT :rainbowhuh:
Retrospective
So, okay! There's no way I made the cut because everypony hated my story, and clearly I made the mistake of—
...
WAT :rainbowhuh:
>>Haze
I love you Mayor Mare! :heart:
I would say I were sorry for what I did to you two chapters ago but I'm not :twilightblush:
I love you Mayor Mare! :heart:
I would say I were sorry for what I did to you two chapters ago but I'm not :twilightblush:
Thanks for the comments, all! Will definitely keep feedback in mind with further works. A few notes:
The piece was basically just a character piece between Xian and Rosa, specifically Rosa; It was intentionally a character piece rather than a story piece thing because I wanted to play with the two different versions rather than pose one over the other, though
second!Rosa got the better end of the stick it seems, and Xian's assholery was both built from people I've known and meant to play off the overly eager, way too invested individual as sort of an... analysis of how people can get that way even if they didn't start there?
Xian is multiple jokes/references all in one: Xian Sheng -> Xiansheng, which is MIster. He's Mr. Mister, which is meant to be a play off of Mario Mario. http://nintendoeverything.com/miyamoto-says-marios-full-name-is-mario-mario/ If in the traditional form of family name then first name, he's Shengxian, which is one term for a sage or wise man (which he deliberately isn't).
Rosa is named for Rosalina of the Mario series. They're pulling matter out of stars because Mario is supposed to collect stars, and QPUs are referencing the video the prompt comes from. It was all basically an long form bad joke on that element of the games; after all, wouldn't Mario like to have something grab the stars for him?
That's about all the minor jokes/hidden stuff I didn't see people comment on. Again, thanks for feedback, all.
The piece was basically just a character piece between Xian and Rosa, specifically Rosa; It was intentionally a character piece rather than a story piece thing because I wanted to play with the two different versions rather than pose one over the other, though
second!Rosa got the better end of the stick it seems, and Xian's assholery was both built from people I've known and meant to play off the overly eager, way too invested individual as sort of an... analysis of how people can get that way even if they didn't start there?
Xian is multiple jokes/references all in one: Xian Sheng -> Xiansheng, which is MIster. He's Mr. Mister, which is meant to be a play off of Mario Mario. http://nintendoeverything.com/miyamoto-says-marios-full-name-is-mario-mario/ If in the traditional form of family name then first name, he's Shengxian, which is one term for a sage or wise man (which he deliberately isn't).
Rosa is named for Rosalina of the Mario series. They're pulling matter out of stars because Mario is supposed to collect stars, and QPUs are referencing the video the prompt comes from. It was all basically an long form bad joke on that element of the games; after all, wouldn't Mario like to have something grab the stars for him?
That's about all the minor jokes/hidden stuff I didn't see people comment on. Again, thanks for feedback, all.
I get the sense that this story fell victim to the minimal word count requirement. If you had another thousand words or so to expand on the dynamic between characters and the circumstances that go into the boyfriend's alternate universe travels, I'll bet you could make the story feel much more robust than its current state.
That all said, I found it an enjoyable piece that, though it didn't take me to any unexpected places, was still really fun to read!
That all said, I found it an enjoyable piece that, though it didn't take me to any unexpected places, was still really fun to read!
Your dialogue is really impressive here! Smooth and realistic, while also revealing character personality. Though I feel like this story fell victim to the word-count requirement, I still had fun reading it and delving into the world you made--what precious little we got, anyway.
Oh, right. That was sort of an off-hand reference to one case in the Tales where Chaucer interrupted halfway through one of their tales and so he switched to a totally different story. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sir_Thopas
(And "dimensional interval analyzer" is also a reference to the meme source, specifically the need to determine how far you need to/can go into the QPU stuff with any given motion.)
(And "dimensional interval analyzer" is also a reference to the meme source, specifically the need to determine how far you need to/can go into the QPU stuff with any given motion.)
>>Foehn, >>Ferd Threstle, >>Monokeras, >>Fenton, >>Ranmilia, and >>AndrewRogue, thank you all for taking the time and effort in your reviews; I know this wasn't my best work, but it's what I had, and I do appreciate the feedback.
In hindsight, I should've called it 'parallel processing.' The background idea was basically a processor that 'cheated' by shunting a parallel 'hell' dimension instead of actually doing the quantum processing that it was supposed to be doing. The protagonist knows that the design doesn't make sense, but the boss doesn't care, because it seems to work. Aggressive corporate stupidity, perhaps overaggressive. As >>AndrewRogue says, I had aimed to play it for laughs, such as sabotaging a demonic processor by running holy water through it.
As it was, though, it never quite gelled.
In hindsight, I should've called it 'parallel processing.' The background idea was basically a processor that 'cheated' by shunting a parallel 'hell' dimension instead of actually doing the quantum processing that it was supposed to be doing. The protagonist knows that the design doesn't make sense, but the boss doesn't care, because it seems to work. Aggressive corporate stupidity, perhaps overaggressive. As >>AndrewRogue says, I had aimed to play it for laughs, such as sabotaging a demonic processor by running holy water through it.
As it was, though, it never quite gelled.
Cassius suggested me to write a review of this one in French. So here it is:
Cette histoire est très mauvaise, pour plusieurs raisons. Premièrement, elle exagère grossièrement l'espace disponible dans la chambre de ma fille, même compte tenu de la mezzanine.
Deuxièmement il est strictement interdit de fumer chez moi, Fenton ou pas. Pas de fumée ni dans la cuisine, ni ailleurs.
Ma fille n'est pas aussi polie que l'auteur de cette fiction semble le suggérer. Ça fait bien longtemps qu'elle aurait dit à Fenton : « Tu fais chier, dégage et laisse-moi bosser ! » Bon okay, elle ne bosse pas vraiment, mais quand même.
Cette fiction ignore totalement la figurine de Fluttershy qu'elle stocke quelque part dans sa piaule.
Mon fils ne mange pas de sandwich mais des croque-monsieurs, et sans fromage, parce qu'il n'aime pas ça.
Fenton fait des études de lettres, comment voulez-vous qu'il comprenne quoi que ce soit à ce genre de machine ?
La blague du design en forme de vagin est de mauvais goût.
Il y a trop de fois le mot français dans cette histoire. Une fois, deux, trois… mais onze ? L'auteur nous prend pour des demeurés ?
Je n'ai jamais touché à une arme à feu et n'ai pas l'intention de le faire.
Voilà.
Bref cette histoire est NULLE !
UN VRAI NAVET !
REMBOURSEZ !
Cette histoire est très mauvaise, pour plusieurs raisons. Premièrement, elle exagère grossièrement l'espace disponible dans la chambre de ma fille, même compte tenu de la mezzanine.
Deuxièmement il est strictement interdit de fumer chez moi, Fenton ou pas. Pas de fumée ni dans la cuisine, ni ailleurs.
Ma fille n'est pas aussi polie que l'auteur de cette fiction semble le suggérer. Ça fait bien longtemps qu'elle aurait dit à Fenton : « Tu fais chier, dégage et laisse-moi bosser ! » Bon okay, elle ne bosse pas vraiment, mais quand même.
Cette fiction ignore totalement la figurine de Fluttershy qu'elle stocke quelque part dans sa piaule.
Mon fils ne mange pas de sandwich mais des croque-monsieurs, et sans fromage, parce qu'il n'aime pas ça.
Fenton fait des études de lettres, comment voulez-vous qu'il comprenne quoi que ce soit à ce genre de machine ?
La blague du design en forme de vagin est de mauvais goût.
Il y a trop de fois le mot français dans cette histoire. Une fois, deux, trois… mais onze ? L'auteur nous prend pour des demeurés ?
Je n'ai jamais touché à une arme à feu et n'ai pas l'intention de le faire.
Voilà.
Bref cette histoire est NULLE !
UN VRAI NAVET !
REMBOURSEZ !
Doing this review on a phone. Ambitious project, but I think this sort of story would lend itself better to a more long form narrative where the story has space to breath. A lot of the finer details that are required for the story to function can be lost here if you're not carefully reading this. The explanation of the rules is ultimately sort of out of the room when considering what is going on in the scene proper. Bogs down the narrative a bit when the majority of these interesting details are ultimately irrelevant. Interesting concept and the ideas themselves are good for potential further exploration.
This was very well-written, so much so that it radically limits which author you could be. (I don't know which of those authors would start the story with a title drop, however, unless it's somepony doing it cynically, in which case I have a guess—but I'm not guessing this round.)
Despite the excellent writing, I'm sorry to say that my internal reaction after finishing this was 'meh'. Although the tale is well-told and has interesting dialogue and great visuals, the underlying story behind it isn't very interesting to me (particularly given the nature of the prompt). Not much really happens here, and even in a minific I feel like there should be more plot development. "Breaking up with a scrub" is an old topic and nothing about the characters here gives me reason to feel emotionally invested in what they're doing. I don't really feel like I know who they are or why I should care about their relationship.
Ironically, the most novel part of this story is the explanation being offered, yet it gets completely glossed over the moment it starts getting interesting. This was frustrating.
I don't understand why the narrator bothered to stick around for twenty minutes when she was angry with the man at the beginning of the story and had no intention to listen to him. Would you sit around not paying attention to somepony for twenty minutes, pretending to listen to them, just so you could dump them afterwards? The narrator's reactions don't seem to match their personality.
Were it me, I'd definitely expand the man's defense and provide more detail. Put something in there that makes sense and either leaves some ambiguity in interpretation, or else forces the reader to think a little.
EDIT: I'm confused about the mood ring. Originally I thought the loss of color indicated that it worked rather than being a cheap toy and the protagonist was numb or something, but now I think it's some kind of subtext I totally misinterpreted. The color loss seems a strange detail to leave slightly ambiguous.
Despite the excellent writing, I'm sorry to say that my internal reaction after finishing this was 'meh'. Although the tale is well-told and has interesting dialogue and great visuals, the underlying story behind it isn't very interesting to me (particularly given the nature of the prompt). Not much really happens here, and even in a minific I feel like there should be more plot development. "Breaking up with a scrub" is an old topic and nothing about the characters here gives me reason to feel emotionally invested in what they're doing. I don't really feel like I know who they are or why I should care about their relationship.
Ironically, the most novel part of this story is the explanation being offered, yet it gets completely glossed over the moment it starts getting interesting. This was frustrating.
I don't understand why the narrator bothered to stick around for twenty minutes when she was angry with the man at the beginning of the story and had no intention to listen to him. Would you sit around not paying attention to somepony for twenty minutes, pretending to listen to them, just so you could dump them afterwards? The narrator's reactions don't seem to match their personality.
Were it me, I'd definitely expand the man's defense and provide more detail. Put something in there that makes sense and either leaves some ambiguity in interpretation, or else forces the reader to think a little.
EDIT: I'm confused about the mood ring. Originally I thought the loss of color indicated that it worked rather than being a cheap toy and the protagonist was numb or something, but now I think it's some kind of subtext I totally misinterpreted. The color loss seems a strange detail to leave slightly ambiguous.
It has been suggested by myself and few others in the Discord that there was a huge missed potential to end the story by some sort of alt!universe version of the protagonist swing by at the end and confirm everything the boyfriend had been saying, along with a punchline of the author's choosing.
I like this story.
The one issue I have is that the fact that Dell doesn't want to be in a relationship with Rachel has no foreshadowing, and I think it needs some. It seems strange she'd want to perform such an intimate ceremony if she feels that way toward her partner.
Also, the description of the demon is incorrect. It should be:
:pinkiehappy:
The one issue I have is that the fact that Dell doesn't want to be in a relationship with Rachel has no foreshadowing, and I think it needs some. It seems strange she'd want to perform such an intimate ceremony if she feels that way toward her partner.
Also, the description of the demon is incorrect. It should be:
Yep. Definitely, unmistakeably, a demon. Bouncing on four legs, the pink-colored equine figure with curly magenta mane and tail giggled through her adorable booplesnoot, wearing a passionate smile from ear to flicking ear. "I've already lost my soul, haven't I?" said Dell, though oddly enough, she didn't seem to mind anymore.
:pinkiehappy:
Great story. I only have nitpicks (apart from some already listed above which I won't repeat).
You appear to be a native English speaker, but in English the phrase "his Tobias" definitely implies that Tobias is his significant other. This doesn't make sense in context.
I don't think it's a problem in the story, but many readers may be bothered by the fact that they never get to know what species the date actually is. I don't play 40k, but when I look up Warhammer online it doesn't appear that any of the common races have ears that can lay back. The fact that there are no other visual cues makes the one you do use stand out. I agree that her race isn't important, but you should be careful about teasing the reader.
The "stared at him for a long time" feels rather awkward, like you're trying to say something about her mindset, but not fully clueing the reader in on what she's thinking or why she hesitates (she doesn't seem hesitant anywhere else in the story).
Also, >>Ranmilia makes a good point. I think this barely passes, primarily because of the meta: you're talking about people who play 40k more than you're talking about 40k itself, so the story doesn't rely specifically on that universe (to me).
You appear to be a native English speaker, but in English the phrase "his Tobias" definitely implies that Tobias is his significant other. This doesn't make sense in context.
I don't think it's a problem in the story, but many readers may be bothered by the fact that they never get to know what species the date actually is. I don't play 40k, but when I look up Warhammer online it doesn't appear that any of the common races have ears that can lay back. The fact that there are no other visual cues makes the one you do use stand out. I agree that her race isn't important, but you should be careful about teasing the reader.
The "stared at him for a long time" feels rather awkward, like you're trying to say something about her mindset, but not fully clueing the reader in on what she's thinking or why she hesitates (she doesn't seem hesitant anywhere else in the story).
Also, >>Ranmilia makes a good point. I think this barely passes, primarily because of the meta: you're talking about people who play 40k more than you're talking about 40k itself, so the story doesn't rely specifically on that universe (to me).
Mostly nitpicks follow, because the story is solid.
I was confused by the blonde hair. It isn't clear that we're looking at alternate versions of the same villain, and the motif of mustache and goatee is always black. If you started with 'goatee' and then the second one was 'bald chin', that would have worked perfectly. As-is, it seems like he has all of those characteristics at the same time (mustache, goatee, cape, blonde hair, etc.) because they're compatible, and so the blonde hair seems oddly out of place.
As indicated by somepony else above, the penultimate 'He' should be lowercase. You might even want to change the initial motif to: ", said Doctor Sinestro. He cackled maniacally..."
You should put something creative other than [censored] into your censored bits to make it more amusing.
Also, I refuse to believe that Twilight Sparkle would act that naively—even though it's adorable. Pinkie Pie would have been a better choice, because Pinkie is always best. :pinkiehappy:
I was confused by the blonde hair. It isn't clear that we're looking at alternate versions of the same villain, and the motif of mustache and goatee is always black. If you started with 'goatee' and then the second one was 'bald chin', that would have worked perfectly. As-is, it seems like he has all of those characteristics at the same time (mustache, goatee, cape, blonde hair, etc.) because they're compatible, and so the blonde hair seems oddly out of place.
As indicated by somepony else above, the penultimate 'He' should be lowercase. You might even want to change the initial motif to: ", said Doctor Sinestro. He cackled maniacally..."
You should put something creative other than [censored] into your censored bits to make it more amusing.
Also, I refuse to believe that Twilight Sparkle would act that naively—even though it's adorable. Pinkie Pie would have been a better choice, because Pinkie is always best. :pinkiehappy:
This is well put-together, and I can't really fault anything specific. So I'll try to be harsh. :derpytongue2:
The story isn't as interesting to me as most of the others I've read. I think if you want to do something simple, you need to do more than write it beautifully (which you did): you need to provide something striking that forces me to connect with the characters and feel things for them emotionally. That's hard to do in a minific, and I'm not quite there. The protagonist here is interesting and colorful, but it's hard to step into his shoes, and the child doesn't have much personality. I'm left with a story that seems realistic, but leaves me feeling very little.
The story isn't as interesting to me as most of the others I've read. I think if you want to do something simple, you need to do more than write it beautifully (which you did): you need to provide something striking that forces me to connect with the characters and feel things for them emotionally. That's hard to do in a minific, and I'm not quite there. The protagonist here is interesting and colorful, but it's hard to step into his shoes, and the child doesn't have much personality. I'm left with a story that seems realistic, but leaves me feeling very little.
I love the underlying idea and the concept here is right up my alley, but there's simply no way you can write this story in 750 words. Kudos for trying, but you had to cut so much that it's incomplete for anypony who doesn't coincidentally have your headspace on what's happening. I'm not as bothered by the narration as some of the reviewers, but I agree that the action portion of the story needs more detail to make sense.
If you expand this into a complete story, you'll need to show at least one battle in detail—by which I mean "battle aftermath" because I get the idea about the "battle" portion being invisible. You also need to provide more depth to the "fat man" character. As it is, it's a twist without much depth to it. I suspect (and rather hope) you're going for a self-loathing message at the end, but if you are, it isn't very strong. Adding strain to the relationship at the end of the story would really help to hit that home for me.
If you expand this into a complete story, you'll need to show at least one battle in detail—by which I mean "battle aftermath" because I get the idea about the "battle" portion being invisible. You also need to provide more depth to the "fat man" character. As it is, it's a twist without much depth to it. I suspect (and rather hope) you're going for a self-loathing message at the end, but if you are, it isn't very strong. Adding strain to the relationship at the end of the story would really help to hit that home for me.
Well, this is fantastic.
The only advice I can offer: "hand, adorned by a plain silver band" totally confused me until the second read-through. Since the 'hand' was 'adorned', I was thinking he had a silver bracelet, and I was wondering what that signified. I don't think there's anything wrong with it, but I'm suspicious others might be equally confused.
Anyway... Tell me more. :raritywink:
The only advice I can offer: "hand, adorned by a plain silver band" totally confused me until the second read-through. Since the 'hand' was 'adorned', I was thinking he had a silver bracelet, and I was wondering what that signified. I don't think there's anything wrong with it, but I'm suspicious others might be equally confused.
Anyway... Tell me more. :raritywink:
Oh my Moon this is just completely incredible! To the top of the list you go. You'd better win this contest, whoever you might be. I've never enjoyed poring over one of the entries in the nonpony contests quite like this one. Your story is simply perfect.
(Yes, I tried to be mindful in this review, but it's not like I could outdo the writer without going on forever.)
(Yes, I tried to be mindful in this review, but it's not like I could outdo the writer without going on forever.)
This is an example of a simple story whose characters are developed enough in 750 words that I can actually feel deep things for them.... and that's not an easy thing to do.
No suggestions.
No suggestions.
This is well-written and easy to relate to. The prompt connection is pretty weak, but it's there, so I don't mind.
I could definitely see the ending coming the moment the last section began. That's not a bad thing, but still worthy of note. I'm not sure the "Don't look down." motif worked for me; it seemed a touch heavy-hoofed.
The italic emphasis on 'is' seems strange to me. Are you contrasting it with thinking the ground isn't far away? I don't understand. I'd feel the 'very' would be more appropriate.
I think "leash around their necks" would be more evocative, given the analogy you're using. I also think it would be a good callback if you continued the analogy in the last section. I suspect you may have been trying to with the 'lost dog' thing, which was a clever touch but could be made a bit more overt.
Connecting the second and third fears more explicitly would provide a nice contrast.
I could definitely see the ending coming the moment the last section began. That's not a bad thing, but still worthy of note. I'm not sure the "Don't look down." motif worked for me; it seemed a touch heavy-hoofed.
The italic emphasis on 'is' seems strange to me. Are you contrasting it with thinking the ground isn't far away? I don't understand. I'd feel the 'very' would be more appropriate.
I think "leash around their necks" would be more evocative, given the analogy you're using. I also think it would be a good callback if you continued the analogy in the last section. I suspect you may have been trying to with the 'lost dog' thing, which was a clever touch but could be made a bit more overt.
Connecting the second and third fears more explicitly would provide a nice contrast.
You win 'most title drops in a 750-word story', author! Seriously, though, the drops actually worked. I was going to complain after the second one (even the first one to be totally fair) but you ran with it, and it was an interesting ride. Nice job.
One issue I had was the twist in the story itself. I assumed "star" meant "Star vs." because nopony calls the series "Star Trek" by "star" any more than they do "Star Wars". It's a nice idea, but the ambiguity is unrealistic and feels forced. I also felt like I wasn't understanding the story because I don't know "Star vs." well enough to follow the initial conversation.
The fact that the antagonist has godlike powers despite being something of a loser, and that the protagonist simply accepts this as fact, is strange and not addressed.
One issue I had was the twist in the story itself. I assumed "star" meant "Star vs." because nopony calls the series "Star Trek" by "star" any more than they do "Star Wars". It's a nice idea, but the ambiguity is unrealistic and feels forced. I also felt like I wasn't understanding the story because I don't know "Star vs." well enough to follow the initial conversation.
The fact that the antagonist has godlike powers despite being something of a loser, and that the protagonist simply accepts this as fact, is strange and not addressed.
Nice story.
I follow the ending but I think many readers may be confused about which path happened. It doesn't seem like walking through the door should indicate the protagonist not entering the sim, even though I'm neigh-certain that's what your intent was. It's confusing because the action represents inaction. I think this needs some fixing, no matter what you mean.
I didn't mind the arbitrary deadline as horizon did, but I don't understand why there can be no communication between the sim and the world. If they can communicate with a brain in a sim-like environment, why can't the sim keep in touch with the outside world? And if they can't communicate with the outside world, why even bother, from the perspective of those on the outside?
I follow the ending but I think many readers may be confused about which path happened. It doesn't seem like walking through the door should indicate the protagonist not entering the sim, even though I'm neigh-certain that's what your intent was. It's confusing because the action represents inaction. I think this needs some fixing, no matter what you mean.
I didn't mind the arbitrary deadline as horizon did, but I don't understand why there can be no communication between the sim and the world. If they can communicate with a brain in a sim-like environment, why can't the sim keep in touch with the outside world? And if they can't communicate with the outside world, why even bother, from the perspective of those on the outside?
Wait, "Star vs" is a real thing? Huh. I, uh, thought that was a throwaway fictional work invented for this story. Time to shuffle to the shame corner. (Doesn't change my read, though.)
I'm not ejaculating as hard as ( >>horizon ) is, but this is a well-written and interesting minific.
The hook was amazing, but unfortunately it was the high point of the story. The rest was largely internal monologue, and something—anything—hinting about potential dangers or possible solutions would have made this more worth reading for me. I think this actually works better as a microfic: just lose everything after the words "gun inside".
I struggle to identify with the narrator's logic. He thinks he's smarter than Laius, yet he fails to realize that having the fated confrontation would be more dangerous in a campus environment (not to mention adding peril to all the other students who could get hurt). He also runs the risk of getting in trouble with the law, which he even points out, whereas using the gun in his apartment against an intruder wouldn't affect him at all. Even if he did do something illegal with it, the gun will vanish tomorrow, presumably; otherwise this backpack would be generating free stuff every day and thus be worth waaaaaay more than five grand.
Going to class makes no sense at all, not because the protagonist is trying to avoid fate, but because they fail to consider how much more dangerous they're making their day. A truly intelligent protagonist would engineer a safe situation where a gun would be helpful, and that would have made for a much more interesting read.
All that said, this kind of falls into the "very well written, but great idea squandered" bin for me. But wow, everything before the break was perfect.
Also, the break serves no purpose whatsoever except to add weight to the hook. It's a cheap gimmick, or else I don't understand why it's there. There is no break in the action or train of thought of the main character whatsoever, so why is there a literary pause?
The hook was amazing, but unfortunately it was the high point of the story. The rest was largely internal monologue, and something—anything—hinting about potential dangers or possible solutions would have made this more worth reading for me. I think this actually works better as a microfic: just lose everything after the words "gun inside".
I struggle to identify with the narrator's logic. He thinks he's smarter than Laius, yet he fails to realize that having the fated confrontation would be more dangerous in a campus environment (not to mention adding peril to all the other students who could get hurt). He also runs the risk of getting in trouble with the law, which he even points out, whereas using the gun in his apartment against an intruder wouldn't affect him at all. Even if he did do something illegal with it, the gun will vanish tomorrow, presumably; otherwise this backpack would be generating free stuff every day and thus be worth waaaaaay more than five grand.
Going to class makes no sense at all, not because the protagonist is trying to avoid fate, but because they fail to consider how much more dangerous they're making their day. A truly intelligent protagonist would engineer a safe situation where a gun would be helpful, and that would have made for a much more interesting read.
All that said, this kind of falls into the "very well written, but great idea squandered" bin for me. But wow, everything before the break was perfect.
Also, the break serves no purpose whatsoever except to add weight to the hook. It's a cheap gimmick, or else I don't understand why it's there. There is no break in the action or train of thought of the main character whatsoever, so why is there a literary pause?
This is based on an interesting idea with good execution.
It seems a little too direct for my tastes, though. The fact that this AA meeting exists and somehow the judge is aware of it contrasts with Dan unable to comprehend something like this existing. I can identify with "guy is confused" but there isn't much beyond that for me to latch on to emotionally.
It would have been interesting if we'd had the ability to see why other Dans were there. Maybe the next one committed armed robbery, and the one after that was caught by the fashion police? I think adding some spice to this would help a lot.
It seems a little too direct for my tastes, though. The fact that this AA meeting exists and somehow the judge is aware of it contrasts with Dan unable to comprehend something like this existing. I can identify with "guy is confused" but there isn't much beyond that for me to latch on to emotionally.
It would have been interesting if we'd had the ability to see why other Dans were there. Maybe the next one committed armed robbery, and the one after that was caught by the fashion police? I think adding some spice to this would help a lot.
This story is cute enough that the overdone meta doesn't become a handicap. I didn't know Fenton was French, but I should have guessed that from the expression of contempt in his user icon.
I need to point out that "frenchly" should be "Frenchly". In general, everything that has 'french' in it should be 'French' instead. (If you're writing in English, anyway.) The reason "french fries" is sometimes not capitalized is that it describes the style of fry rather than where it comes from or who makes it, but you rarely see a country or city name not capitalized if it isn't a food or product (and even then, most of the time it will be).
Some portions of the French translations should be marked <untranslatable> for additional laughs. Also because I'm pretty sure that would be accurate.
Monokeras has children? Really? At least tell me you can date your own children in France. I'm pretty sure that's the case, last I heard. They're open-minded about that sort of thing. Hot.
I refuse to believe somepony in France would complain about a vaginal engineering design. I mean, look at the Tower.
The story is adorable, but the comedy is killed for me when it becomes violent (seriously, it does actually ruin it for me). Murdering a man in front of his children is a hard sell, because I can't envision it without the tragedy. It's hard enough for me to not envision tragedy when I'm reading a typical comedy. Plus, even with an infinite number of realities, there's no universe where these guys aren't French.
I need to point out that "frenchly" should be "Frenchly". In general, everything that has 'french' in it should be 'French' instead. (If you're writing in English, anyway.) The reason "french fries" is sometimes not capitalized is that it describes the style of fry rather than where it comes from or who makes it, but you rarely see a country or city name not capitalized if it isn't a food or product (and even then, most of the time it will be).
Some portions of the French translations should be marked <untranslatable> for additional laughs. Also because I'm pretty sure that would be accurate.
Monokeras has children? Really? At least tell me you can date your own children in France. I'm pretty sure that's the case, last I heard. They're open-minded about that sort of thing. Hot.
I refuse to believe somepony in France would complain about a vaginal engineering design. I mean, look at the Tower.
The story is adorable, but the comedy is killed for me when it becomes violent (seriously, it does actually ruin it for me). Murdering a man in front of his children is a hard sell, because I can't envision it without the tragedy. It's hard enough for me to not envision tragedy when I'm reading a typical comedy. Plus, even with an infinite number of realities, there's no universe where these guys aren't French.
Final verdict.
The finalist stories were great. Which is heartening, seeing as almost all the ones I had in the prelim round were iffy even though I sincerely enjoyed reading them—most of them just had trouble developing the idea in too short a space. Now that I've read all the finalists, I'm even more surprised my story made the cut.
Ultimately, it comes down to the idea and its fleshedoutness. My top five, starting from the top:
Letters...
Memento
Villainy
King Laius
...This One.
Good luck everypony! :twilightsmile:
The finalist stories were great. Which is heartening, seeing as almost all the ones I had in the prelim round were iffy even though I sincerely enjoyed reading them—most of them just had trouble developing the idea in too short a space. Now that I've read all the finalists, I'm even more surprised my story made the cut.
Ultimately, it comes down to the idea and its fleshedoutness. My top five, starting from the top:
Letters...
Memento
Villainy
King Laius
...This One.
Good luck everypony! :twilightsmile:
>>Trick_Question
Yup. Two.
Unless you’re implying France was founded by Oedipus, not that I’m aware of. And frankly, knowing how a pain in the ass my daughter is, I wish good luck to her future BFs. :P
You’re right. We had that giant plastic sculpture or something sitting in the Place Vendôme for a while last year. The artist claimed it was a fake fir tree (or spruce, whatever) but we all knew it was a big anal plug.
Monokeras has children? Really?
Yup. Two.
At least tell me you can date your own children in France.
Unless you’re implying France was founded by Oedipus, not that I’m aware of. And frankly, knowing how a pain in the ass my daughter is, I wish good luck to her future BFs. :P
I refuse to believe somepony in France would complain about a vaginal engineering design. I mean, look at the Tower.
You’re right. We had that giant plastic sculpture or something sitting in the Place Vendôme for a while last year. The artist claimed it was a fake fir tree (or spruce, whatever) but we all knew it was a big anal plug.
>>Monokeras
I'm going to choose to interpret that literally. (Don't ruin this for me, Mono.)
And frankly, knowing how a pain in the ass my daughter is, I wish good luck to her future BFs. :P
I'm going to choose to interpret that literally. (Don't ruin this for me, Mono.)
>>Trick_Question
Did you check out the last part of my previous message? The one I added after your answer?
Did you check out the last part of my previous message? The one I added after your answer?
>>Monokeras
I just did, and laughed. That's something I'd expect more from Germany, tbh.
I just did, and laughed. That's something I'd expect more from Germany, tbh.
>>Trick_Question
Well, I mean, don’t get so elated. Google translate is bad. Sometimes what you get out of it is just the opposite of what was written in the first place…
Well, I mean, don’t get so elated. Google translate is bad. Sometimes what you get out of it is just the opposite of what was written in the first place…
>>Cassius
Except that we learn about the mother being dead from the son's second line of dialogue broaching it directly. The idea of them finally circling around to a painful topic is undercut by the fact that it just gets laid out, clear and obvious, with that early cake line.
(And if you want to argue that one of the strengths of the story is the way it explores the norms of masculine emotional repressions, you can't simultaneously argue that Jason's first line has no emotional nuance. Pivoting from "my day was good" to "like mom used to make" says volumes, in man-speak. Blandly mentioning a painful subject out of the blue is the hypermasculine equivalent of huddling on the floor, weeping and hyperventilating.)
So, yeah, I'm with >>Ranmilia. This sets out some compelling premises and then feels like for over half its length it's just stomping back over and over the same ground. The bit about private school? We were told in the first paragraph how smart Jason is. The dad not knowing the word "universe" (except that he immediately proceeds to define it; and he casually throws the word "theoretical" into his next line, so I am really not buying that he's that dumb)? Again, the first paragraph makes a point of how much smarter Jason is. The climactic moment in which we learn the shocking twist of Jason missing his mom? Uh, yeah, I picked that up from the first cake reference.
The interpretation that Dad is in a denial that's only cleared away by the final cake line, too, is undercut by the foreshadowing:
Yet this is his narration a little over halfway through:
(In fact, that's the line where we learn dead-mom's name.)
I will acknowledge that the story does deepen the father/son relationship in the back half — notably, the "Let's not stretch things" joke. And while the mud was introduced in the front half, it's only at the end that it's really reinforced sufficiently to support the metaphorical link. So the second half of the story does have some value; it's not fair to say that it reads exactly the same if you look only at the minific which ends with “Dark chocolate, like mom used to make." But it does still seriously stall out after the first cake line. It revisits a lot of its earlier themes, which is definitely not the same as recontextualizing (that requires new context, and I don't see any even with the specific argument of Cassius' comment) — and it feels to me like what modest deepening of the premise we get still isn't enough to pull its weight.
I do agree with earlier reviewers that the prose itself is largely solid (though bits like the universe vocabulary fault and the warhammer-subtle telling of "sometimes you just know when something’s wrong with your kid" really broke me out of my reading). The joke, the mud analogy, the undercurrents of emotions in body language and narrative focus: there's definitely skill on display here. But the foreshadowing problem is so ubiquitous that the story isn't pulling me along to where it wants its emotions to be. I'm left with a number of great moments inside a half-collapsed structure, which are going to require some editing to re-assemble.
I do want to briefly also mention the genre thing Ranmilia brought up. It's entirely possible that this is meant to be in the Literary Fiction genre, whose conventions run counter to pretty much every other traditional genre in that litfic is supposed to lack coherent meaning [*]. If so, this may well be a litfic masterwork which I (and most authors here) are unequipped to critique. If so, all I can offer is that I am a mass-market reader (and this is a mass-market crowd), and it's going to be difficult to get coherent appreciation and/or critique out of readers whose default genre assumption is that this is in one of the 90% of genres that try to make a point. I'm scoring this accordingly — because without the context of the artist's statement of their goals for the piece, all I can do is evaluate it based on how effective it is at making me react (and the quality of its prose/construction), and good art whose goal is to be meaningless will by definition not have any larger themes to which I can react.
On that metric, largely pretty prose with some significant stumbles + lack of meaning = near the bottom of my finals slate. Thank you for writing, regardless.
Tier: Needs Work
[*] This sounds on its face like an insult, but from everything I've read, that is what literary analysts say distinguishes the genre.
The son ultimately wants to vocalize his feelings about his lost mother, but as kids (and adults) can be with discussing emotions, the topic is difficult to broach directly.
Except that we learn about the mother being dead from the son's second line of dialogue broaching it directly. The idea of them finally circling around to a painful topic is undercut by the fact that it just gets laid out, clear and obvious, with that early cake line.
(And if you want to argue that one of the strengths of the story is the way it explores the norms of masculine emotional repressions, you can't simultaneously argue that Jason's first line has no emotional nuance. Pivoting from "my day was good" to "like mom used to make" says volumes, in man-speak. Blandly mentioning a painful subject out of the blue is the hypermasculine equivalent of huddling on the floor, weeping and hyperventilating.)
So, yeah, I'm with >>Ranmilia. This sets out some compelling premises and then feels like for over half its length it's just stomping back over and over the same ground. The bit about private school? We were told in the first paragraph how smart Jason is. The dad not knowing the word "universe" (except that he immediately proceeds to define it; and he casually throws the word "theoretical" into his next line, so I am really not buying that he's that dumb)? Again, the first paragraph makes a point of how much smarter Jason is. The climactic moment in which we learn the shocking twist of Jason missing his mom? Uh, yeah, I picked that up from the first cake reference.
The interpretation that Dad is in a denial that's only cleared away by the final cake line, too, is undercut by the foreshadowing:
“I don’t know,” he says. “I was just thinking… maybe if I could go to parallel universes, I’d go to one where I could have mom’s chocolate cake again.”
And just like that, I’m thinking about my Jessica again.
Yet this is his narration a little over halfway through:
The school’s a bit of a drive from home. It’s private, and I’m damn proud that Jason’s been doing great there. Costs a buck, but nothing that I can’t give up. Jessica wouldn’t have wanted him at a public school. She was always picky like that.
(In fact, that's the line where we learn dead-mom's name.)
I will acknowledge that the story does deepen the father/son relationship in the back half — notably, the "Let's not stretch things" joke. And while the mud was introduced in the front half, it's only at the end that it's really reinforced sufficiently to support the metaphorical link. So the second half of the story does have some value; it's not fair to say that it reads exactly the same if you look only at the minific which ends with “Dark chocolate, like mom used to make." But it does still seriously stall out after the first cake line. It revisits a lot of its earlier themes, which is definitely not the same as recontextualizing (that requires new context, and I don't see any even with the specific argument of Cassius' comment) — and it feels to me like what modest deepening of the premise we get still isn't enough to pull its weight.
I do agree with earlier reviewers that the prose itself is largely solid (though bits like the universe vocabulary fault and the warhammer-subtle telling of "sometimes you just know when something’s wrong with your kid" really broke me out of my reading). The joke, the mud analogy, the undercurrents of emotions in body language and narrative focus: there's definitely skill on display here. But the foreshadowing problem is so ubiquitous that the story isn't pulling me along to where it wants its emotions to be. I'm left with a number of great moments inside a half-collapsed structure, which are going to require some editing to re-assemble.
I do want to briefly also mention the genre thing Ranmilia brought up. It's entirely possible that this is meant to be in the Literary Fiction genre, whose conventions run counter to pretty much every other traditional genre in that litfic is supposed to lack coherent meaning [*]. If so, this may well be a litfic masterwork which I (and most authors here) are unequipped to critique. If so, all I can offer is that I am a mass-market reader (and this is a mass-market crowd), and it's going to be difficult to get coherent appreciation and/or critique out of readers whose default genre assumption is that this is in one of the 90% of genres that try to make a point. I'm scoring this accordingly — because without the context of the artist's statement of their goals for the piece, all I can do is evaluate it based on how effective it is at making me react (and the quality of its prose/construction), and good art whose goal is to be meaningless will by definition not have any larger themes to which I can react.
On that metric, largely pretty prose with some significant stumbles + lack of meaning = near the bottom of my finals slate. Thank you for writing, regardless.
Tier: Needs Work
[*] This sounds on its face like an insult, but from everything I've read, that is what literary analysts say distinguishes the genre.
It's been a little odd seeing (here and on Discord) people's top slates, and comparing it with the comments; I don't think we've got any stories which were unanimously agreed to be high-tier, and I'm not seeing nearly the usual level of overlap on top-slate lists. (I want to say that this suggests every story this round, certainly including my own, was flawed in some significant way. I further want to say that 90% of those problems could be fixed with a word limit adjustment, but I've already ranted that rant.) The narrowness of the prompt also feels like a contributing factor — there were a few stories which I thought had some good momentum going until suddenly parallel universes came out of nowhere Because Prompt™.
For completeness' sake, here's my own top-five-plus-one (which, more so than usual, were "stories which hooked me and whose flaws didn't bother me as much"):
King Laius
Blind Dating in a W.G.M.
Fears Are Like Dogs
Letters from the Unknown
You’d Better Skip This 1.
The Burden She Bore
I'll try to get some mash-ups started if I get time tonight after tabletop RPG prep for tomorrow's campaign.
For completeness' sake, here's my own top-five-plus-one (which, more so than usual, were "stories which hooked me and whose flaws didn't bother me as much"):
King Laius
Blind Dating in a W.G.M.
Fears Are Like Dogs
Letters from the Unknown
You’d Better Skip This 1.
The Burden She Bore
I'll try to get some mash-ups started if I get time tonight after tabletop RPG prep for tomorrow's campaign.
Man I am never going to get past being the sole bulwark of this entry, am I guys?
>>horizon
This isn't really incapable with what I was saying. Join me below, and I'll explain further.
Perhaps I didn't adequately explain what I find to be significant about this interaction because this was not what I was intending to say. What I mean to convey is this: the earlier acknowledgement of the mother's death / disappearance are fact. They are recitations void of emotion. When the kid remarks, "Cake like mom used to make", the author doesn't add some sort of adverb or description to indicate that he is feeling emotion with that delivery. It's an off-the-cuff comment. Same with the father talking about his wife not wanting to have the kid in school. These are facts. It's not so much that Dad and son are in denial or skirting around the topic itself (the kid's remark I think is more an indirect lede into talking about it than anything), no, it is that they are putting up a front. Emotionally skirting, if you will.
These things don't exist in the story as far as my read goes.
>>horizon
Except that we learn about the mother being dead from the son's second line of dialogue broaching it directly. The idea of them finally circling around to a painful topic is undercut by the fact that it just gets laid out, clear and obvious, with that early cake line.
This isn't really incapable with what I was saying. Join me below, and I'll explain further.
The interpretation that Dad is in a denial that's only cleared away by the final cake line, too, is undercut by the foreshadowing:
Perhaps I didn't adequately explain what I find to be significant about this interaction because this was not what I was intending to say. What I mean to convey is this: the earlier acknowledgement of the mother's death / disappearance are fact. They are recitations void of emotion. When the kid remarks, "Cake like mom used to make", the author doesn't add some sort of adverb or description to indicate that he is feeling emotion with that delivery. It's an off-the-cuff comment. Same with the father talking about his wife not wanting to have the kid in school. These are facts. It's not so much that Dad and son are in denial or skirting around the topic itself (the kid's remark I think is more an indirect lede into talking about it than anything), no, it is that they are putting up a front. Emotionally skirting, if you will.
foreshading
twist
These things don't exist in the story as far as my read goes.
>>horizon
I've long since concluded that anypony who writes on "literary analysis", with the notable exception of Bad Horse, is completely out of their bucking mind.
I've long since concluded that anypony who writes on "literary analysis", with the notable exception of Bad Horse, is completely out of their bucking mind.
Did someone say meshups?
Every World We Visit Is a World Gone Mad
One mad scientist has a problem. All his alternate versions are even madder than he is, and that kobold version from the alternate fantasy reality really has it in for him. But why?
You’d Better Skip Roy’s Diner
It’s the very worst place to talk about parallel universes. You might wind up on a higher being’s menu…
Outsmarting Dogs
When you fake the throw, your dog perceives that the stick went into an alternate world. It pauses and waits for its alternate self (D2) to bring you the stick, while looking for the stick thrown by the alternate you (Y2) so it can bring the stick back to Y2 instead while D2 brings a stick to you. But unbeknownst to D1 or D2, D3 has intercepted the stick and brought it to Y3, leaving D3’s stick abandoned on the ground to be retrieved by D4. Cross dimensional interference contagion multiplies the confusion until all dogs (Dא) lack all sticks (Sא) in every possible configurational space, triggering a function collapse in which every possible alternate universe resolves to one in which you faked the throw with a ball instead. This is why your dog spends most of the day staring at the wall or sleeping.
Monokeras and Fenton’s Bureaucratic Welcome
The wacky duo take over the Office Français de l’Immigration et de l’Intégration and fill the whole country with their alternate counterparts. Ça va chier des bulles!
King Laius Is Not Bulletproof
Oedipus opens a magic sack guaranteed to reach through time to obtain the one thing that can help him to avoid a horrible prophecy. It’s a strange metal device that smells like oil. He sets off for Thebes, hoping to find more information on how to use it.
Every World We Visit Is a World Gone Mad
One mad scientist has a problem. All his alternate versions are even madder than he is, and that kobold version from the alternate fantasy reality really has it in for him. But why?
You’d Better Skip Roy’s Diner
It’s the very worst place to talk about parallel universes. You might wind up on a higher being’s menu…
Outsmarting Dogs
When you fake the throw, your dog perceives that the stick went into an alternate world. It pauses and waits for its alternate self (D2) to bring you the stick, while looking for the stick thrown by the alternate you (Y2) so it can bring the stick back to Y2 instead while D2 brings a stick to you. But unbeknownst to D1 or D2, D3 has intercepted the stick and brought it to Y3, leaving D3’s stick abandoned on the ground to be retrieved by D4. Cross dimensional interference contagion multiplies the confusion until all dogs (Dא) lack all sticks (Sא) in every possible configurational space, triggering a function collapse in which every possible alternate universe resolves to one in which you faked the throw with a ball instead. This is why your dog spends most of the day staring at the wall or sleeping.
Monokeras and Fenton’s Bureaucratic Welcome
The wacky duo take over the Office Français de l’Immigration et de l’Intégration and fill the whole country with their alternate counterparts. Ça va chier des bulles!
King Laius Is Not Bulletproof
Oedipus opens a magic sack guaranteed to reach through time to obtain the one thing that can help him to avoid a horrible prophecy. It’s a strange metal device that smells like oil. He sets off for Thebes, hoping to find more information on how to use it.
>>GroaningGreyAgony
Optimism Is Wrong in The Multiverse
A particularly nihilistic demon interrupts a young couple's evening by telling them how wrong they were about believing in the good of the universe. The couple decides to fuck off to another dimension to avoid his lecturing.
Fears Are Like Roy's Diner, 3 A.M.
Boy takes his girlfriend to out to eat, but unfortunately, their waiter has severe social anxiety and continuously screws up their order. Boy tells the inept waiter that he would have gotten their order right in a parallel universe.
Even Monokeras Is Not Bulletproof
Title self explanatory.
This Story Is a Metaphor for Chewbacca
Courtroom drama where the judged and accused constantly switch place due to dimensional experiment shenanigans. Chewbacca is somehow tangentially involved.
High School Armageddon, Played Straight
When Baron Crump fails to secure a prom date, he asks his powerful father, Ronald Crump, to end the world, since life no long has any meaning. Ronald Crump, not wanting to disappoint his son and look like a bad father in front of Badimir Screwtin, obliges him, and fires a billion tons of fresh Arby's at Baron's school.
Skip Walking With a Goddess
Valhalla sucks.
Optimism Is Wrong in The Multiverse
A particularly nihilistic demon interrupts a young couple's evening by telling them how wrong they were about believing in the good of the universe. The couple decides to fuck off to another dimension to avoid his lecturing.
Fears Are Like Roy's Diner, 3 A.M.
Boy takes his girlfriend to out to eat, but unfortunately, their waiter has severe social anxiety and continuously screws up their order. Boy tells the inept waiter that he would have gotten their order right in a parallel universe.
Even Monokeras Is Not Bulletproof
Title self explanatory.
This Story Is a Metaphor for Chewbacca
Courtroom drama where the judged and accused constantly switch place due to dimensional experiment shenanigans. Chewbacca is somehow tangentially involved.
High School Armageddon, Played Straight
When Baron Crump fails to secure a prom date, he asks his powerful father, Ronald Crump, to end the world, since life no long has any meaning. Ronald Crump, not wanting to disappoint his son and look like a bad father in front of Badimir Screwtin, obliges him, and fires a billion tons of fresh Arby's at Baron's school.
Skip Walking With a Goddess
Valhalla sucks.
I'm with everyone else here: this was actually pretty entertaining. The meta nature of the narrative, instead of usually being driven into the ground (like most stories), was just one aspect of the comedy. The kids, the vaginal portal, and the smoking all played into the story's humor without becoming too overdone. The one thing I didn't care for was the ending, mostly because it was pretty easy to see coming and didn't feel as well executed as the rest of the story. Other than that, a fun little romp.
8/10, would learn French to become Mono's son again
8/10, would learn French to become Mono's son again
This was actually pretty decent. There's a lot of sad emotions underlying this piece, and they were used to good effect. I also liked the doctor's constant verbal tick ("ah"); it made him feel a bit more unique in such a short story. The one problem I have is that it's a bit hard to determine exactly what the nature of the story is: Is it a computer simulation, or a life after death? I get that it's supposed to be ambiguous to a degree, but the ambiguity here didn't feel like a natural part of the story. On the whole, however, this was a very strong story.
8/10, I hope I shall wake up soon
8/10, I hope I shall wake up soon
I feel that the central idea of this story is pretty interesting: fighting matches that utilize time travel. And to the author's credit, they really do flesh out how the fighters dispatch each other through rather creative ways.
That being said, I feel like too much of the story is constrained to talking about the actual process of the fighting to really let the story shine. Instead of really getting to know the main character, we have to listen to him explain a fictional sport in a way that isn't informative to him as a character and gets rather dull quickly. I also feel like the ending was trying too hard to escape the consequences of the narrative ("Oh, he killed himself and he was the main better all along! So now he's safe and sound!"). If you're going to display a difficult situation, don't make a happy ending come too easily.
4/10, I wrote all of the stories for this write-off round; you are all just my doubles
That being said, I feel like too much of the story is constrained to talking about the actual process of the fighting to really let the story shine. Instead of really getting to know the main character, we have to listen to him explain a fictional sport in a way that isn't informative to him as a character and gets rather dull quickly. I also feel like the ending was trying too hard to escape the consequences of the narrative ("Oh, he killed himself and he was the main better all along! So now he's safe and sound!"). If you're going to display a difficult situation, don't make a happy ending come too easily.
4/10, I wrote all of the stories for this write-off round; you are all just my doubles
I haven't left a longform text comment on this, but I'd like to say that I really do appreciate the attempt by the author to introduce more litfic into the Writeoff. When it comes to original fiction, I really don't like most genre works—and while this isn't my favorite story in the competition, its tone, concept, and plot totally gel with me. Thanks for writing.
>>horizon
I've never heard this before, and unless I'm misunderstanding you, I'm gonna say outright that it's false.
>>horizon
It's entirely possible that this is meant to be in the Literary Fiction genre, whose conventions run counter to pretty much every other traditional genre in that litfic is supposed to lack coherent meaning
I've never heard this before, and unless I'm misunderstanding you, I'm gonna say outright that it's false.
While I could tell where this story was going after a little while, I thought it was fairly effective in getting there. Having a kid being depressed over his mother's death and wanting to find a parallel universe where she's still around isn't the most original idea, but I thought the story handled it with a surprising amount of grace. I also enjoyed the father as a character; he really emulated that working-class ruffian that used to be more prominent. The fact the author made him that clear of a character in such a short story is pretty impressive.
The only thing that bugs me is that the kid seems a bit too old mentally for his own good. Just because he's really smart doesn't mean he's suddenly a Pungeon Master ("Let's not take it too far.") and can be more competent than his father. Even prodigies are immature and childish; they just have a bit more education than the average child. Other than that, I actually enjoyed this story.
8/10, give me that dark chocolate cake
The only thing that bugs me is that the kid seems a bit too old mentally for his own good. Just because he's really smart doesn't mean he's suddenly a Pungeon Master ("Let's not take it too far.") and can be more competent than his father. Even prodigies are immature and childish; they just have a bit more education than the average child. Other than that, I actually enjoyed this story.
8/10, give me that dark chocolate cake
The sudden shift from comedic to dramatic at the end doesn't sit well with me. I hesitate to use the phrase 'emotional whiplash,' but it's the best I can think of.
This was actually a pretty intriguing fic. The idea of a very genre-savvy character realizing that he can't fight fate provides an interesting mental conflict (all to prepare for a physical conflict). I also liked how the story focuses more on the result of one of these wormholes than taking too much time to set up the story. Just give 'em the MacGuffin and get going, that's my motto!
There were a few downsides, though. For starters, do you really have to explain the entire concept of Oedipus Rex? I get it's to illustrate the conflict the narrator has, but the amount of detail feels gratuitous. Oedipus Rex is one of the most popular tragedies of all time; I doubt you need to explain it in full to people who are known readers. Also, if the narrator is so savvy, why didn't he check the magazine? If the gun had no bullets in it, that could drastically affect his interpretation of the coming events. I know this is a nitpick, but it's frustrating to see such a competent character fail to do something so obvious.
7/10, fire your deans, not your guns
There were a few downsides, though. For starters, do you really have to explain the entire concept of Oedipus Rex? I get it's to illustrate the conflict the narrator has, but the amount of detail feels gratuitous. Oedipus Rex is one of the most popular tragedies of all time; I doubt you need to explain it in full to people who are known readers. Also, if the narrator is so savvy, why didn't he check the magazine? If the gun had no bullets in it, that could drastically affect his interpretation of the coming events. I know this is a nitpick, but it's frustrating to see such a competent character fail to do something so obvious.
7/10, fire your deans, not your guns
This is ANOTHER great example of litfic that I can't believe I'm just reading now. How come no one told me this was so good?
Love, love, love this. In all honesty—and this is going to sound a bit rude, so I apologize in advance—this feels like it's doing the same thing as "You'd Better Skip This One" (using poetic imagery and personification to describe depression and sadness), but better.
Top slater.
Love, love, love this. In all honesty—and this is going to sound a bit rude, so I apologize in advance—this feels like it's doing the same thing as "You'd Better Skip This One" (using poetic imagery and personification to describe depression and sadness), but better.
Top slater.
I feel like this is an interesting concept that just isn't executed successfully. While the story is pretty consistent in its tone and second-person perspective, there's just not much to grasp here. Alternate yous are discovering a truth, then killed? Intriguing, but does it really hold up a whole story? I give it points for playing it for creepiness, but other than this tone, it just doesn't feel like there's much to this story.
3/10, doesn't this review feel somewhat...familiar?
3/10, doesn't this review feel somewhat...familiar?
I sort of like the central idea, where AA meetings hold a (possibly?) more sinister organization than what we usually think. I also give points for giving Dan-Prime a fairly realistic reaction to these folks; he doesn't start whooping and hollering immediately, but he's also not absurdly chill with this arrangement. It makes the story feel a bit more grounded and Dan-Prime relateable.
That being said, I gotta file in with the rest of the reviewers in saying the twist was pretty obvious. This wouldn't be so bad if you hadn't spent pretty much half of the story building up to it (Dan-Prime looking away from them constantly, etc.). I also feel like the story isn't entirely sure what it wants to be: is it a quirky comedy about a goofy interdimensional misunderstanding, or a sinister examination of a normally benevolent group? I got shades of both, and I don't think that was intentional. You really need to figure out what you want to show AA as before you do anything else with this story.
4/10, gotta go on a date with myself now
That being said, I gotta file in with the rest of the reviewers in saying the twist was pretty obvious. This wouldn't be so bad if you hadn't spent pretty much half of the story building up to it (Dan-Prime looking away from them constantly, etc.). I also feel like the story isn't entirely sure what it wants to be: is it a quirky comedy about a goofy interdimensional misunderstanding, or a sinister examination of a normally benevolent group? I got shades of both, and I don't think that was intentional. You really need to figure out what you want to show AA as before you do anything else with this story.
4/10, gotta go on a date with myself now
The opening of this story was really good. Starting out all dramatic and then pulling a goofy twist halfway through was really funny, as it made this story feel unique (instead of a funny twist at the end, it's toward the middle). I also liked how this focused on (sort of) magic instead of the usual sci-fi perspectives that have largely filled this round.
However, the ending is kind of hard for me to enjoy. While the beginning used tone shifts effectively, the ending felt like the author had a sudden change of mood and just shoehorned in a depressing ending for some reason. I'm not saying that a shift like that can't work, but the way this was written didn't really sell me on the switchback to a dramatic story.
6/10, demons use Facebook just like you
However, the ending is kind of hard for me to enjoy. While the beginning used tone shifts effectively, the ending felt like the author had a sudden change of mood and just shoehorned in a depressing ending for some reason. I'm not saying that a shift like that can't work, but the way this was written didn't really sell me on the switchback to a dramatic story.
6/10, demons use Facebook just like you
I'll admit, this was actually pretty amusing. The different ways Doctor Sinestro got foiled by the newly summoned being were all entertaining, and I liked the ending that showed Sinestro was at least smart enough to have Viewing Portal before he tried his idea. It's a funny subversion of the supervillain just haphazardly leaping into this plot without much foresight.
However, I found the story only really good for a chuckle. Sinestro and Ultra-Man don't have much to them, so the story's not really interesting from a character point of view. That's a bummer, because if they had been more fleshed out, the humor would've carried a little more weight. You tend to have bigger emotions for bigger individuals, whether in comedy or drama.
7/10, Japan will soon file a lawsuit for illegal Ultraman usage
However, I found the story only really good for a chuckle. Sinestro and Ultra-Man don't have much to them, so the story's not really interesting from a character point of view. That's a bummer, because if they had been more fleshed out, the humor would've carried a little more weight. You tend to have bigger emotions for bigger individuals, whether in comedy or drama.
7/10, Japan will soon file a lawsuit for illegal Ultraman usage
Okay, I was a little confused, but when I re-read it, I suddenly figured it out. Kudos to the author for writing an entire section without a certain letter; that must have been killer to do and still make it seem natural. I also liked the idea that something so simple can drive a person to madness. I guess what we say really does have power.
The only gripe I have is that maybe the build-up was a bit too long. I think jumping into the world should've happened a bit sooner, if only so that the story doesn't drag too much. Other than that, this was a fun read.
8/10, now go review your vowels one final time
The only gripe I have is that maybe the build-up was a bit too long. I think jumping into the world should've happened a bit sooner, if only so that the story doesn't drag too much. Other than that, this was a fun read.
8/10, now go review your vowels one final time
Yes! I finally completed reviewing all of the finalists! (I know you guys would've been really broken up if I hadn't... :P)
Outsmarting Myself Oops
This one's at the bottom of the cut, right where it belongs. I'm surprised it made it there to be honest.
My story's not bad, it just can't be told in 750 words. I did this in the previous contest too! I should go on an idea diet. :derpytongue2:
Thanks to all y'all who commented!
>>Monokeras >>Dubs_Rewatcher >>Ferd Threstle >>AndrewRogue >>Ranmilia >>Cassius >>libertydude
Peace out. :dashcool:
This one's at the bottom of the cut, right where it belongs. I'm surprised it made it there to be honest.
My story's not bad, it just can't be told in 750 words. I did this in the previous contest too! I should go on an idea diet. :derpytongue2:
Thanks to all y'all who commented!
>>Monokeras >>Dubs_Rewatcher >>Ferd Threstle >>AndrewRogue >>Ranmilia >>Cassius >>libertydude
Peace out. :dashcool:
>>GroaningGreyAgony
:heart:
(I actually kept several authors I know through this competition awake until 2am at Trotcon trying to explain the Church-Kleene ordinal.) :facehoof:
... until all dogs (Dא) lack all sticks (Sא) ...
:heart:
(I actually kept several authors I know through this competition awake until 2am at Trotcon trying to explain the Church-Kleene ordinal.) :facehoof:
Congratulations to AndrewRogue, Cold in Gardez, and Fahrenheit for their medals! :twilightsmile:
>>horizon
Reviewing the voting on the results page, this was indeed a crazy voting round. For the first time I can remember, nobody put the gold-medal winner in first place on their slate! (Contrarily, three people top-slated Whacky French Adventures, and it came in ninth place. Being less polarizing is certainly a positive factor toward medaling, but it seems like everything this round was love-it-or-hate-it — avoiding polarization was a massive deal this time around.)
So it's worth leaving everyone with a few caveats that apply more than usual:
• As far as I'm concerned, Original Fiction rounds are Writeoff in hard mode. The challenge of minifics is to cram your ideas into a cramped space, and that's made even worse by the fact that in Original Fiction you have to start from a blank slate instead of being able to use an established setting and characters with well-established canon characterization. Be proud of your story, regardless of the feedback it received or the votes it got!
• Be proud of your story, regardless of the feedback it received or the votes it got! (I just said that, but it's worth repeating.) Even if this version of it fell short, every story contains the kernel of greatness, and the goal of pulling out the knives and ripping stories apart with constructive criticism is to talk about ways in which it could be better. The tight time limit of Writeoffs forces you to submit an early draft; your default expectation (especially with original fiction…) should be that your story has flaws which can be polished out with later editing to reach its full potential.
• The long knives of constructive criticism are about ways which your fellow authors think your story could be better. However: Your fellow authors are not inside your head. The structure of the Writeoffs means they don't know your goals for the story, only the output. And sometimes they are going to give you advice that is brilliant, detailed, analytic, and wrong.
Take all advice with a grain of salt: Would this change help me tell the story I want to tell better, or would it take the story further away from what I'm trying to accomplish with it? (If you don't know what you're trying to accomplish with your story, that's okay too! But you should probably figure that out before you start editing.)
This grain of salt goes double for anything I say, because the thought of "This dude has a lot of medals, he knows what he's talking about" is a dangerous one. Uncritically accept everything I say and your writing turns out a lot like mine — which works for me because I'm me. Your results may vary.
Y'all enjoy the next minific round without me. See you in a month!
>>horizon
It's been a little odd seeing (here and on Discord) people's top slates, and comparing it with the comments; I don't think we've got any stories which were unanimously agreed to be high-tier, and I'm not seeing nearly the usual level of overlap on top-slate lists.
Reviewing the voting on the results page, this was indeed a crazy voting round. For the first time I can remember, nobody put the gold-medal winner in first place on their slate! (Contrarily, three people top-slated Whacky French Adventures, and it came in ninth place. Being less polarizing is certainly a positive factor toward medaling, but it seems like everything this round was love-it-or-hate-it — avoiding polarization was a massive deal this time around.)
So it's worth leaving everyone with a few caveats that apply more than usual:
• As far as I'm concerned, Original Fiction rounds are Writeoff in hard mode. The challenge of minifics is to cram your ideas into a cramped space, and that's made even worse by the fact that in Original Fiction you have to start from a blank slate instead of being able to use an established setting and characters with well-established canon characterization. Be proud of your story, regardless of the feedback it received or the votes it got!
• Be proud of your story, regardless of the feedback it received or the votes it got! (I just said that, but it's worth repeating.) Even if this version of it fell short, every story contains the kernel of greatness, and the goal of pulling out the knives and ripping stories apart with constructive criticism is to talk about ways in which it could be better. The tight time limit of Writeoffs forces you to submit an early draft; your default expectation (especially with original fiction…) should be that your story has flaws which can be polished out with later editing to reach its full potential.
• The long knives of constructive criticism are about ways which your fellow authors think your story could be better. However: Your fellow authors are not inside your head. The structure of the Writeoffs means they don't know your goals for the story, only the output. And sometimes they are going to give you advice that is brilliant, detailed, analytic, and wrong.
Take all advice with a grain of salt: Would this change help me tell the story I want to tell better, or would it take the story further away from what I'm trying to accomplish with it? (If you don't know what you're trying to accomplish with your story, that's okay too! But you should probably figure that out before you start editing.)
This grain of salt goes double for anything I say, because the thought of "This dude has a lot of medals, he knows what he's talking about" is a dangerous one. Uncritically accept everything I say and your writing turns out a lot like mine — which works for me because I'm me. Your results may vary.
Y'all enjoy the next minific round without me. See you in a month!
>>Monokeras
>>CoffeeMinion
>>Fenton
>>Dubs_Rewatcher
>>AndrewRogue
>>Ranmilia
>>Trick_Question
>>libertydude
AHA IT WAS ME ALL ALONG. NOBODY KNEW THAT, RIGHT?
Thank you to everyone who read and supported this story. I wrote this story with the intention of delivering quality Monokeras and Fenton related content to you folks at the write off without relying on the meta aspect to carry the story itself. As I told Mono before I entered, I didn't want to "phone in" my content just because I was making an in-joke with the write off. A big inspiration for me in particular to write this story was The Ballad of Roger Wilco, and perhaps I will write more stories in that sort of vein in the future. I find them very enjoyable to craft, and I love the response that they get, but I hope to also not wear out the appeal.
I am truly blown away by the level of support that this story got (three top slates!). Early on, I figured that this story probably wouldn't make it out of finals because it would be typecast as an insubstantial story (despite my efforts to make it have some meat to it).
The overabundance of French jokes was actually not in my original draft (I only had 4) and the additional French tags were the result of a suggestion by Corejo. Please send all your hate mail to him.
>>CoffeeMinion
>>Trick_Question
I regret killing Mono. Next time I will only kill Fenton.
>>CoffeeMinion
>>Fenton
>>Dubs_Rewatcher
>>AndrewRogue
>>Ranmilia
>>Trick_Question
>>libertydude
AHA IT WAS ME ALL ALONG. NOBODY KNEW THAT, RIGHT?
Thank you to everyone who read and supported this story. I wrote this story with the intention of delivering quality Monokeras and Fenton related content to you folks at the write off without relying on the meta aspect to carry the story itself. As I told Mono before I entered, I didn't want to "phone in" my content just because I was making an in-joke with the write off. A big inspiration for me in particular to write this story was The Ballad of Roger Wilco, and perhaps I will write more stories in that sort of vein in the future. I find them very enjoyable to craft, and I love the response that they get, but I hope to also not wear out the appeal.
I am truly blown away by the level of support that this story got (three top slates!). Early on, I figured that this story probably wouldn't make it out of finals because it would be typecast as an insubstantial story (despite my efforts to make it have some meat to it).
The overabundance of French jokes was actually not in my original draft (I only had 4) and the additional French tags were the result of a suggestion by Corejo. Please send all your hate mail to him.
>>CoffeeMinion
>>Trick_Question
I regret killing Mono. Next time I will only kill Fenton.
>>Dubs_Rewatcher
I linked a source representative of what I've read about modern literary fiction (in which Bad Horse provides multiple quote citations). Granted, BH is a serious hater of postmodernism and pomo-adjacent. Would be happy to read disagreeing views and definitions.
I linked a source representative of what I've read about modern literary fiction (in which Bad Horse provides multiple quote citations). Granted, BH is a serious hater of postmodernism and pomo-adjacent. Would be happy to read disagreeing views and definitions.
Late to the party, but:
I felt like this could be nicely rounded out with a punchline. I mean it obviously wasn't trying for comedy as-is, and a longer wordcount would allow for some great drama and intrigue, but when I finished reading I just had this image of his college professor beginning the lecture with "Today we're having a surprise show-and-tell on guns!"
(I mean obviously use a punchline that's actually funny but you know what I mean)
I felt like this could be nicely rounded out with a punchline. I mean it obviously wasn't trying for comedy as-is, and a longer wordcount would allow for some great drama and intrigue, but when I finished reading I just had this image of his college professor beginning the lecture with "Today we're having a surprise show-and-tell on guns!"
(I mean obviously use a punchline that's actually funny but you know what I mean)
Congrats to our winners!
Just got back from work. Also, I realized a couple of days ago that ever since I started working full-time last year, I have submitted zero short story entries.
...That's just depressing. I think I'm going to do my best to get into the next FIM one.
Anyways, retrospective.
Pickup Trucks and Comic Books
Most controversial? Dang, I'm pretty surprised, though in hindsight I guess it makes sense, with the whole love-it-or-hate-it thing going on in the comments. Shout out to >>Cassius who pretty much nailed exactly what I was going for, but I know for a fact that I could have done a much better job. Still, really happy someone liked the story enough to so stubbornly defend it. :P
Okay, time to get real; this story's a little about my own dad. (My mom is fine, btw, before anyone asks). Ages and ages ago, I mentioned that my parents aren't native speakers. My dad (who's one of the biggest extroverts I know) sometimes has trouble expressing himself in English, especially on abstract or emotional topics. And I kinda wanted to capture that sense of this wordless barrier that can exist between two people, even when they understand what the other one is thinking.
There are a lot of ways I could have made this clearer, starting with our narrator's characterization. I'll be honest, I was pretty disappointed that no one figured out that the narrator was supposed to be a pretty smart guy who only thinks he's dumb. While I was writing, I honestly thought I did a good job showing that, but I must have been way off my mark. As for the self-deprecating humor, I thought it would give the story a more spoken feel, but everyone who mentioned it didn't like it, so I guess I over-did it.
RE: the ending, this is where I'm really fucking disappointed in myself. Because it's the exact same mistake I keep making, with these endings that feel like vague, unsatisfying twists. See: pretty much every minific I've ever written, and a lot of my short stories too. I don't know; I thought I took care of it this time, but I obviously didn't. It's very frustrating and it makes me feel like I'm not improving as a writer, but I'm very determined to kill this Bachiavellian-shitty-ending curse.
Thanks for the reviews, everyone; they were all an absolute pleasure to read. I hope to see you guys next time.
Just got back from work. Also, I realized a couple of days ago that ever since I started working full-time last year, I have submitted zero short story entries.
...That's just depressing. I think I'm going to do my best to get into the next FIM one.
Anyways, retrospective.
Pickup Trucks and Comic Books
Most controversial? Dang, I'm pretty surprised, though in hindsight I guess it makes sense, with the whole love-it-or-hate-it thing going on in the comments. Shout out to >>Cassius who pretty much nailed exactly what I was going for, but I know for a fact that I could have done a much better job. Still, really happy someone liked the story enough to so stubbornly defend it. :P
Okay, time to get real; this story's a little about my own dad. (My mom is fine, btw, before anyone asks). Ages and ages ago, I mentioned that my parents aren't native speakers. My dad (who's one of the biggest extroverts I know) sometimes has trouble expressing himself in English, especially on abstract or emotional topics. And I kinda wanted to capture that sense of this wordless barrier that can exist between two people, even when they understand what the other one is thinking.
There are a lot of ways I could have made this clearer, starting with our narrator's characterization. I'll be honest, I was pretty disappointed that no one figured out that the narrator was supposed to be a pretty smart guy who only thinks he's dumb. While I was writing, I honestly thought I did a good job showing that, but I must have been way off my mark. As for the self-deprecating humor, I thought it would give the story a more spoken feel, but everyone who mentioned it didn't like it, so I guess I over-did it.
RE: the ending, this is where I'm really fucking disappointed in myself. Because it's the exact same mistake I keep making, with these endings that feel like vague, unsatisfying twists. See: pretty much every minific I've ever written, and a lot of my short stories too. I don't know; I thought I took care of it this time, but I obviously didn't. It's very frustrating and it makes me feel like I'm not improving as a writer, but I'm very determined to kill this Bachiavellian-shitty-ending curse.
Thanks for the reviews, everyone; they were all an absolute pleasure to read. I hope to see you guys next time.
Memento Retro
I think this is the highest I've ever placed. New PB! Congratulations to all involved, especially ye medalists.
Thanks for the reviews, everyone. Reviews in general seemed to be a lot...friendlier than other rounds? Lots of solid encouragement. The story was pretty much as >>AndrewRogue described it:
I definitely could've done the voicing of the perspective character a lot better, as a lot of you noted. I think the short stories reach their peak when they explore interesting ideas not to explore the ideas themselves, but to explore them in the context of human relationships; that's something that this piece failed to do. I'll probably convert this to ponyfic, and use the extra word space to flesh it out and develop the persona a little better.
>>Not_A_Hat
Thanks for taking the time to leave a voice review! The shift from horizontal to vertical clicks was meant to highlight the man's realization that there's only a single pair of footsteps despite there being two people walking; at the end, when the 'doctor' vanishes, the pattern doesn't change. In retrospect, it probably doesn't add much to the piece.
>>Ranmilia
Fair enough.
Also fair. Thanks for leaving a detailed review in spite of that! I'll definitely try and shift the focus away from the setting in the rewrite, and focus more on exploring the issues surrounding the simulation.
>>horizon
Can confirm, gaping plot hole that I just sort of left there.
More good points that definitely need to be addressed in the rewrite - cheers for the comprehensive feedback.
>>Trick_Question
The idea was that walking through the door was him exiting the sim. Hopefully that'll be clearer once I clean up the internal logic.
>>libertydude
Glad you enjoyed it. Cheers for the review.
>>Haze >>Monokeras
Having these as the first two reviews was mind-numbingly frustrating :P
I think this is the highest I've ever placed. New PB! Congratulations to all involved, especially ye medalists.
Thanks for the reviews, everyone. Reviews in general seemed to be a lot...friendlier than other rounds? Lots of solid encouragement. The story was pretty much as >>AndrewRogue described it:
I'm pretty sure the idea here is that HE is being temporarily preserved in the sim and they just use the comment about the wife to judge whether or not he wants to live like that, since informing him directly would be a problem. He chooses to die at the end.
I definitely could've done the voicing of the perspective character a lot better, as a lot of you noted. I think the short stories reach their peak when they explore interesting ideas not to explore the ideas themselves, but to explore them in the context of human relationships; that's something that this piece failed to do. I'll probably convert this to ponyfic, and use the extra word space to flesh it out and develop the persona a little better.
>>Not_A_Hat
Thanks for taking the time to leave a voice review! The shift from horizontal to vertical clicks was meant to highlight the man's realization that there's only a single pair of footsteps despite there being two people walking; at the end, when the 'doctor' vanishes, the pattern doesn't change. In retrospect, it probably doesn't add much to the piece.
>>Ranmilia
Going click click click through a featureless hallway just doesn't do much for me with this presentation.
Fair enough.
Also, maudlin minis about justifying or exploring reasons for suicide are suuuuuuuuper duper played out as a Writeoff motif. It's like the Sad Sunbutt of Original Mini.
Also fair. Thanks for leaving a detailed review in spite of that! I'll definitely try and shift the focus away from the setting in the rewrite, and focus more on exploring the issues surrounding the simulation.
>>horizon
So they have an ethical issue with informing simulated people of their sim-ness ... which we learn by them bringing up the concept of simulation to a simulated being, in a way that causes him to realize he's simulated? :P
Can confirm, gaping plot hole that I just sort of left there.
Surely any simulated reality constructible via modern technical principles would have some sort of interconnection capabilities.
Why is the man being asked if he wants to remain in the sim if death is two minutes out no matter what he does? And why, if they have the capability to indefinitely extend his life, is he not being given the ability to schedule his own death? Putting a deadline on this is extremely disorienting, regardless of which scenario above is true.
More good points that definitely need to be addressed in the rewrite - cheers for the comprehensive feedback.
>>Trick_Question
It doesn't seem like walking through the door should indicate the protagonist not entering the sim, even though I'm neigh-certain that's what your intent was.
The idea was that walking through the door was him exiting the sim. Hopefully that'll be clearer once I clean up the internal logic.
>>libertydude
Glad you enjoyed it. Cheers for the review.
>>Haze >>Monokeras
I think the hints aren't subtle enough, it spells it out a little too cleanly.
I can't really make head and tails of this.
Having these as the first two reviews was mind-numbingly frustrating :P
"Folks You Know" Retrospective
I think the word I'd use to describe this story is "confused". I wrote it with two different ideas: a comedic fic ("The AA is actually Alternates Anonymous?! How wacky!”) and a more serious fic (the idea that a seemingly benevolent organization had a sinister edge to it and that you're a failure no matter what universe you're from). The comedy aspect is clear towards the beginnings and end, while the dramatic part is toward the middle. As many of you pointed out, these tones didn't entirely mesh well, and the story doesn't sit right because of it. Looking back, I started out with the comedic angle, then switched to wanting to do the darker angle halfway through. I should’ve just rewritten it to be more in line with that idea, but I was in a rush and was growing tired of the story, so I just left it as is.
Personally, I think the tone clash was because I hadn’t quite shaken off the tone of the first fic I wrote for this contest. It was a comedic fic about a mentally disturbed man traveling to another universe to defeat a fascist slug overlord, and it was very strange and goofy. I ditched it, however, when I realized that the humor felt too obvious and was more irritating than amusing. Besides, Cassius provided the wacky offbeat story of the round with “Monokeras and Fenton's Whacky French Adventures” far better, so I’m glad I left mine out of this round.
Even though I’m not fond of this story and think it’s rather weak, I have to say that I'm surprised by the reactions to this story. Even though they're not incredibly positive, a lot of you seemed to find it rather mundane instead of unspeakably awful. That's a far warmer reception than I was expecting; I thought this would've been tossed out by the end of the first round. And yet, here it is as a finalist. Huh.
So in the end, this was a failure, but a respectable failure. I probably won’t revisit it, but at least I know what to do with it if I ever do.
Now, for some individual comments:
>>Foehn
Yeah, that's my favorite line in the story too. I wrote it in the first draft and just liked the way it sounded, so I figured it should stay in.
>>GroaningGreyAgony
Glad you got a chuckle. More than I got out of it.
>>AndrewRogue
I never really planned on the twist to be that surprising, but yeah, I kind of regret devoting that much build-up to the ending.
Also, Dan is very androgynous. Maybe she does look like him. :P
>>Bachiavellian
Yeah, the lack of jokes is kind of a symptom of that "two tones problem" I mentioned earlier. Though I will defend Dan's reaction, as I thought it had enough emotion behind it to feel realistic without being over-the-top goofy.
>>Ranmilia
Doesn't trainwreak.
Probably the most generous comment my writing's ever got. XD
The comments about the lack of jokes and Dan not looking at the people are pretty accurate. I was initially going to fix the latter issue by having the meeting in a very dark room, but that felt just as obvious and I thought Dan avoiding looking at the people felt a little bit more natural (he's worried about this new group he doesn't want to be in, after all).
I'm surprised a lot of folks don't get the details about the Bibles. A fair amount of AA meetings are held in churches (my own hometown Methodist church did so a few times), and this was just a way of saying this place was a church without straight-up saying "it's a church".
>>Dubs_Rewatcher
Looking back, I probably should've solidified the more serious tone I wanted the story to go in. It would've fit a lot better. And like I told >>Ranmilia, the Bibles were just to show it was a church that the AA meeting was being held in, not to imply a "religious nature" to the piece.
>>Monokeras
You're right for the most part. The concept of meeting multiple yous is a pretty interesting idea, and I'm kind of disappointed I didn't explore it more fully.
Also, he was looking at the floor when he first came in. He could've seen the chair in his line of vision like that.
>>Trick_Question
In the first draft, it was suggested that the Judge was in on the Alternates Anonymous gig, and I even considered having an alternate-Judge appear as the mediator for the meeting instead of Fem-Dan. But it really inflated the word count and felt too distracting, so I got rid of it. And you’re right: I should’ve featured more of the other Dans tales just so they could get some development. I tried it initially, but like the Judge, it took too many words and I just dropped it.
At the very least, I’m happy that you at least related to Dan’s confusion. That was one of the prime emotions I was trying to tap, so at least I was successful in that regard.
>>libertydude
Given the nature of this round, I should be suspecting you as an imposter. But I pretty much feel this way and I know I wrote this, so I’ll just leave you be. :P
THE BURDEN SHE BORE
This isn't the story I originally meant to write. Originally, I had the idea to write a comedy about movie executives trying to come up with a concept for their own cinematic universe, ala Marvel or DC. When that didn't pan out—I couldn't think of any way to give the story substance—I came up with an idea sort of similar to the one you see here... except that the conflict was going to come from Delilah (the mom) being fired from her job, and losing her motivation.
But as I was writing the actual story—starting at one in the morning, mind you, barely able to keep myself awake—I had some realization that caused me to dislike that plotline. So with that in mind, I decided to introduce a new conflict, based around the grandmother.
Unfortunately, this also caused my conflict to become a bit scrambled. As some noted, it's hard to tell whether the story is trying to posit Mama's feelings of inadequacy as the main conflict, or Judy's desire to become like her mother, or Judy's inability to imagine life outside the city. In reality, it's meant to have aspects all of those. Oops.
Other small changes that were made over time:
Judy originally had a little sister. But I couldn't decide what age to make her, and I couldn't find a place in the wordcount to give her any sort of appreciable character, so she got cut.
The family's ethnicity changed once or twice, from Chinese to Korean and then back again. In my flash fiction, I like to explore cultures that aren't my own... maybe it's a Freudian way of expressing my displeasure with my own upbringing. :P
>>Fenton
I'm not sure I agree with your first point—personally, when writing kids, I think it's important to establish age up front, since they grow up so fast. I agree with the second. And as I already told you, I very much disagree with your last point.
Thanks for reading!
>>Haze
I already responded to you on this, but I'd like to add that I agree Mama bringing up the multiverse theory is abrupt. Thanks for confirming my suspicions, and thanks for reading.
>>Dubs_Rewatcher
You're very cute.
>>AndrewRogue
I have no idea what you mean here.
Thanks for reading!
>>Haze
As already admitted, I totally agree with your complaint about the lofty status of Mama's job, as well as Ma's flatness.
>>Ranmilia
Thank you for the note on the title! I really didn't like this title when I submitted it, and you've justified my distaste for it.
Thanks for reading!
>>Not_A_Hat
"Deliuh Wolfe-Chon"
You gotta work on your names, dude
Thanks for reading!
>>Monokeras
*wanking motions*
Thanks for reading!
>>Monokeras
The narrator, Judy, is a girl. Also I didn't do much with Papa because it's Mama's conflict, not his. As is, he's mostly there to be the clueless white outsider to Mama and Ma's family struggles.
>>Trick_Question
Thank you, and thanks for reading!
This isn't the story I originally meant to write. Originally, I had the idea to write a comedy about movie executives trying to come up with a concept for their own cinematic universe, ala Marvel or DC. When that didn't pan out—I couldn't think of any way to give the story substance—I came up with an idea sort of similar to the one you see here... except that the conflict was going to come from Delilah (the mom) being fired from her job, and losing her motivation.
But as I was writing the actual story—starting at one in the morning, mind you, barely able to keep myself awake—I had some realization that caused me to dislike that plotline. So with that in mind, I decided to introduce a new conflict, based around the grandmother.
Unfortunately, this also caused my conflict to become a bit scrambled. As some noted, it's hard to tell whether the story is trying to posit Mama's feelings of inadequacy as the main conflict, or Judy's desire to become like her mother, or Judy's inability to imagine life outside the city. In reality, it's meant to have aspects all of those. Oops.
Other small changes that were made over time:
Judy originally had a little sister. But I couldn't decide what age to make her, and I couldn't find a place in the wordcount to give her any sort of appreciable character, so she got cut.
The family's ethnicity changed once or twice, from Chinese to Korean and then back again. In my flash fiction, I like to explore cultures that aren't my own... maybe it's a Freudian way of expressing my displeasure with my own upbringing. :P
>>Fenton
I'm not sure I agree with your first point—personally, when writing kids, I think it's important to establish age up front, since they grow up so fast. I agree with the second. And as I already told you, I very much disagree with your last point.
Thanks for reading!
>>Haze
I already responded to you on this, but I'd like to add that I agree Mama bringing up the multiverse theory is abrupt. Thanks for confirming my suspicions, and thanks for reading.
>>Dubs_Rewatcher
You're very cute.
>>AndrewRogue
I have no idea what you mean here.
Thanks for reading!
>>Haze
As already admitted, I totally agree with your complaint about the lofty status of Mama's job, as well as Ma's flatness.
>>Ranmilia
Thank you for the note on the title! I really didn't like this title when I submitted it, and you've justified my distaste for it.
Thanks for reading!
>>Not_A_Hat
"Deliuh Wolfe-Chon"
You gotta work on your names, dude
Thanks for reading!
>>Monokeras
*wanking motions*
Thanks for reading!
>>Monokeras
The narrator, Judy, is a girl. Also I didn't do much with Papa because it's Mama's conflict, not his. As is, he's mostly there to be the clueless white outsider to Mama and Ma's family struggles.
>>Trick_Question
Thank you, and thanks for reading!
