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Trictrics
0543D43E was in his squad car on a routine mission when the red light of the dashboard flashed.
Red light. Serious threat detected. Your presence is urgently required.
0543D43E took a glance at the coordinates which showed up on the auxiliary display. Place was near, but the other way round. He jerked the wheel. The tyres screeched as his car slewed, until the vehicle had made a complete U-turn. Then he floored it, and his car peeled off flat out.
He skidded to a halt at the designated place. An officer was already here, and other soldiers were on their way. He jumped out of his car, slammed the door and rushed to the officer.
“0543D43E, at your orders. What is it, sir? What can I do?”
The officer gave him a concerned look. “Trictrics, soldier.”
0543D43E’s eyes widened. “Again? I thought we’d exterminated them last time?”
“They must’ve mutated. Developed some form of immunity to our previous compound.”
“Fucking little bastards,” 0543D43E whispered.
The officer nodded.
“So what do we do, sir?”
“Lab has developed a few other – Fuck, look!” The officer pointed his finger at something behind 0543D43E’s back.
0543D43E spun around. On the other side of the road, a structural conapt was bulging. Trictrics for sure. Those freaks were able to gnaw minute burrows into the bricks, then multiply using the energy lines embedded in the walls. It was a matter of minutes before an attacked structure would fail and crumble, freeing the bugs which would immediately set off for other walls to prey on.
“Go get your gun, soldier. NOW!” he officer shouted.
0543D43E dashed to the boot of his car, opened it and grabbed the bazooka that was stowed inside. He loaded it with a shell filled with the standard compound — hoping against hope those trictrics were not of a mutated strand — and strode along back to his former place alongside the officer. The infected conapt’s walls were clearly swollen now, as if violently pushed from inside. At any moment —
The conapt collapsed.
Reflexively, 0543D43E put his hand over his eyes to avoid the cloud of dust that rose out of the rubble. He coughed repeatedly. When the dust cleared over, the conapt was but ruins, and spattered all round the street were tiny black motes. Trictrics, stunned by the blow.
“Quick!” the officier yelled. “Fire!”
“Range’s too close, sir,” 0543D43E replied.
“For fuck’s sake, FIRE! That’s an order!”
0543D43E pulled the trigger. The shell shot from the muzzle and crashed right in the middle of the debris heap. A greenish, viscous liquid splashed every which way, covering everything within twenty metres in a oozy and fetid topping. Splotches of the repugnant mix landed on 0543D43E’s uniform, and on the officer’s legs too.
“I told you it was too close, sir,” 0543D43E said, repressing a sudden sickness.
“Shut up, soldier, and watch.”
At first, there was nothing but silence and stock-stillness. Maybe the compound had killed them, after all?
But then the jelly began to jiggle in many places. Slightly at first, then more evidently. A first trictric emerged from under with a pop. Then another. Then another. Within seconds the place was swarming with squeaking trictrics which skittered away to the nearest walls, and started to nibble their way in.
“Shhhiiit,” the officer hissed.
“What do we do now, sir?” 0543D43E asked, perplexed. “Another shell would be as useless as this one.”
“We wait for the lab to send us that new compound they formulated, soldier. There is little else we can do. We’ll fuck those pests, believe me.” The officer’s eyes were looking in the distance, powerlessly contemplating the trictrics’ ruthless work of destruction.
0543D43E knelt down to put his bazooka on the ground and fished into his pockets for a smoke or a chewing-gum, that he didn’t find. He grunted in dissatisfaction.
The noise of an approaching engine made him look up.
He gasped.
“SIR! WATCH OUT!” he screamed as he leaped on to the officer, pinning him to the ground.
The nearest conapt collapsed with a rumble.
James woke up sneezing. “Shit!” he thought. “That cold is back!” His nose was plugged, he felt feverish. He sighed and sat up in his bed. He groped for a Kleenex discarded on the nightstand, blew his nose noisily.
He gawped at the snot for a few seconds. Okay. The world wouldn’t stop spinning because of this. He had to kick his arse.
Red light. Serious threat detected. Your presence is urgently required.
0543D43E took a glance at the coordinates which showed up on the auxiliary display. Place was near, but the other way round. He jerked the wheel. The tyres screeched as his car slewed, until the vehicle had made a complete U-turn. Then he floored it, and his car peeled off flat out.
He skidded to a halt at the designated place. An officer was already here, and other soldiers were on their way. He jumped out of his car, slammed the door and rushed to the officer.
“0543D43E, at your orders. What is it, sir? What can I do?”
The officer gave him a concerned look. “Trictrics, soldier.”
0543D43E’s eyes widened. “Again? I thought we’d exterminated them last time?”
“They must’ve mutated. Developed some form of immunity to our previous compound.”
“Fucking little bastards,” 0543D43E whispered.
The officer nodded.
“So what do we do, sir?”
“Lab has developed a few other – Fuck, look!” The officer pointed his finger at something behind 0543D43E’s back.
0543D43E spun around. On the other side of the road, a structural conapt was bulging. Trictrics for sure. Those freaks were able to gnaw minute burrows into the bricks, then multiply using the energy lines embedded in the walls. It was a matter of minutes before an attacked structure would fail and crumble, freeing the bugs which would immediately set off for other walls to prey on.
“Go get your gun, soldier. NOW!” he officer shouted.
0543D43E dashed to the boot of his car, opened it and grabbed the bazooka that was stowed inside. He loaded it with a shell filled with the standard compound — hoping against hope those trictrics were not of a mutated strand — and strode along back to his former place alongside the officer. The infected conapt’s walls were clearly swollen now, as if violently pushed from inside. At any moment —
The conapt collapsed.
Reflexively, 0543D43E put his hand over his eyes to avoid the cloud of dust that rose out of the rubble. He coughed repeatedly. When the dust cleared over, the conapt was but ruins, and spattered all round the street were tiny black motes. Trictrics, stunned by the blow.
“Quick!” the officier yelled. “Fire!”
“Range’s too close, sir,” 0543D43E replied.
“For fuck’s sake, FIRE! That’s an order!”
0543D43E pulled the trigger. The shell shot from the muzzle and crashed right in the middle of the debris heap. A greenish, viscous liquid splashed every which way, covering everything within twenty metres in a oozy and fetid topping. Splotches of the repugnant mix landed on 0543D43E’s uniform, and on the officer’s legs too.
“I told you it was too close, sir,” 0543D43E said, repressing a sudden sickness.
“Shut up, soldier, and watch.”
At first, there was nothing but silence and stock-stillness. Maybe the compound had killed them, after all?
But then the jelly began to jiggle in many places. Slightly at first, then more evidently. A first trictric emerged from under with a pop. Then another. Then another. Within seconds the place was swarming with squeaking trictrics which skittered away to the nearest walls, and started to nibble their way in.
“Shhhiiit,” the officer hissed.
“What do we do now, sir?” 0543D43E asked, perplexed. “Another shell would be as useless as this one.”
“We wait for the lab to send us that new compound they formulated, soldier. There is little else we can do. We’ll fuck those pests, believe me.” The officer’s eyes were looking in the distance, powerlessly contemplating the trictrics’ ruthless work of destruction.
0543D43E knelt down to put his bazooka on the ground and fished into his pockets for a smoke or a chewing-gum, that he didn’t find. He grunted in dissatisfaction.
The noise of an approaching engine made him look up.
He gasped.
“SIR! WATCH OUT!” he screamed as he leaped on to the officer, pinning him to the ground.
The nearest conapt collapsed with a rumble.
James woke up sneezing. “Shit!” he thought. “That cold is back!” His nose was plugged, he felt feverish. He sighed and sat up in his bed. He groped for a Kleenex discarded on the nightstand, blew his nose noisily.
He gawped at the snot for a few seconds. Okay. The world wouldn’t stop spinning because of this. He had to kick his arse.
Once Upon a Time... Life
Did I really to say anything else than the title of the wonderful, amazing show? Yes, probably.
You pretty much lived up to the show, even if it's only with the twist that I got what was the setting. Speaking of the twist, I would say it was well handled. It actually made me reread the whole story in order to get every comparison with the human body, just like I've rewatched some episodes now that I know more about it.
As a nitpick, (ctrl+c, ctrl+v) 0543D43E's name is repeated too many times. I think you could have stick with 'he' more.
A solid story that made me smile with nostalgia. Thank you for that!
Did I really to say anything else than the title of the wonderful, amazing show? Yes, probably.
You pretty much lived up to the show, even if it's only with the twist that I got what was the setting. Speaking of the twist, I would say it was well handled. It actually made me reread the whole story in order to get every comparison with the human body, just like I've rewatched some episodes now that I know more about it.
As a nitpick, (ctrl+c, ctrl+v) 0543D43E's name is repeated too many times. I think you could have stick with 'he' more.
A solid story that made me smile with nostalgia. Thank you for that!
0543D43E – guessing that’s a robot name? Some technobabble like conapt, but I like the idea of critters that attack buildings like emerald pine borers attack trees.
Ending left me scratching my head for a while, until I hypothesized that the first bit was an anthropomorphic immune system.. Not too hard to follow, aside from the twist at the end; generally got the job done.
Ending left me scratching my head for a while, until I hypothesized that the first bit was an anthropomorphic immune system.. Not too hard to follow, aside from the twist at the end; generally got the job done.
Mmmmmmmmm.
"Surreal light humor/action with a twist ending" is kind of a Writeoff staple. I think there was one extremely similar to this in a recent round where it turned out the characters were sperm swimming to an egg? And at least one other this round with a gimmick end, and maybe more, and more in the past that I don't explicitly remember.
So this is, unfortunately, a pretty stock format. The twist ending is just a punchline in and of itself, and doesn't contribute much to a narrative arc. The main story doesn't contain much humor, nor does it have much of an arc, just some things that happen in the battle against whatever "trictrics" are. (In story, they're rhinovirus particles, but as far as I can determine "trictric" is not an actual word.)
I don't see any use of the prompt whatsoever. I also don't know what the last sentence is referring to.
>>Fenton makes me curious if this is a riff on something in particular. A French/EU children's show, apparently? I can't find any specific references or comparisons, though.
So... the prose is okay, if a little basic (and rather profanity-laden, if this is a children's show deal). The basic action in the main body works. It's not the worst thing ever, and completing a mini is commendable by itself. Thank you for writing, author! Keep reading and challenging yourself!
"Surreal light humor/action with a twist ending" is kind of a Writeoff staple. I think there was one extremely similar to this in a recent round where it turned out the characters were sperm swimming to an egg? And at least one other this round with a gimmick end, and maybe more, and more in the past that I don't explicitly remember.
So this is, unfortunately, a pretty stock format. The twist ending is just a punchline in and of itself, and doesn't contribute much to a narrative arc. The main story doesn't contain much humor, nor does it have much of an arc, just some things that happen in the battle against whatever "trictrics" are. (In story, they're rhinovirus particles, but as far as I can determine "trictric" is not an actual word.)
I don't see any use of the prompt whatsoever. I also don't know what the last sentence is referring to.
>>Fenton makes me curious if this is a riff on something in particular. A French/EU children's show, apparently? I can't find any specific references or comparisons, though.
So... the prose is okay, if a little basic (and rather profanity-laden, if this is a children's show deal). The basic action in the main body works. It's not the worst thing ever, and completing a mini is commendable by itself. Thank you for writing, author! Keep reading and challenging yourself!
Egh... this is... fine.
The main problem here is that this immediately puts me in mind of Osmosis Jones, which is... not a thing I particular want to recall. Moreover, this fic doesn't really do anything with it to really push me beyond that comparison. Solid prose (although I feel there are a few too many X Xed lines I feel?), but yeah, needed a stronger punch.
The main problem here is that this immediately puts me in mind of Osmosis Jones, which is... not a thing I particular want to recall. Moreover, this fic doesn't really do anything with it to really push me beyond that comparison. Solid prose (although I feel there are a few too many X Xed lines I feel?), but yeah, needed a stronger punch.
>>Ranmilia
Here, take this :)
So no, it's not French nor EU, it's French-Japanese-Swiss-Italian. Dunno how is the English dub is, but it's definitely a show worth to watch for children.
Here, take this :)
So no, it's not French nor EU, it's French-Japanese-Swiss-Italian. Dunno how is the English dub is, but it's definitely a show worth to watch for children.
Hm.... I'm not exactly sure what some of the stuff in the first part are supposed to represent. I get the general gist (trictrics are viruses, the soldiers are immune cells), but I'm not 100% sure what the green liquid (snot?) or the buildings (tissue?) are supposed to represent. As for the story itself, it came across as a little bare-bones to me. Our two main characters feel a bit generic, and the rapid-fire dialogue/exposition/action doesn't quite mesh in a way that makes me all that invested. It's easy reading, and I think it definitely accomplishes its goals, but I had trouble with how thin it felt in a lot of places.
Eh, I don't really care for this one. The sci-fi stuff was pretty decent, and the trictrics were kind of interesting to see. But the characters didn't really jump out at me, and that ending felt like it was trying a bit too hard to be clever. Fit your ending to your story, not the other way around.
3/10, darn critters got in my walls again
3/10, darn critters got in my walls again
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Monokeras
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