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R&D
“Ed, this had better be important.” My boss followed me down the hall, glowering eyes over starched suit.
“I wouldn’t have called you if it wasn’t,” I said, opening the door to the testbed, and stepping inside. Equipment covered nearly every available surface, with wires and tubing converging on a central workbench. I had purposely left the lights off, which made the red glow emanating from the prototype more obvious. The coiled shadows from the tubing almost seeming to dance to the rhythmic hum of the pump in the background.
“There some sort of problem with the new chip?” He sniffed the air, where the faint scent of sulfur lingered. “I smell something, but everything looks okay.”
I shook my head. “There haven’t been any more problems with the equipment. It’s just that I’m not sure about the new engineer.”
“Naber?”
I nodded.
He frowned. “Because he’s black, or because he’s foreign?”
I’m pretty much socially inept, but even I recognized this land mine. “Neither. It’s not that at all. It’s this design. It doesn’t make any sense,” I said, gesturing to the schematic. And it’s not the black skin that bothers me so much as the red eyes.
“You and all the other engineers. You all need to get over him figuring out this quantum thing, when none of the rest of you could.”
“It’s not that we don’t understand it. We don’t have to get all the details to realize that what we’re seeing shouldn’t be possible. Light physically can’t move fast enough to achieve that frequency, and just saying it’s quantum doesn’t change that. It’s like the design is pulling in information from somewhere else.”
Isn’t that basically what quantum is? Calculating all the possible outcomes at once?”
I shook my head. “It’s not that simple. Look, do we really trust something that we don’t fully understand? Have you even looked at the lithograph plates?” A shudder ran down my spine at the memory. Even not understanding those twisted lines, something about them made my skin crawl.
“It’s passed all the diagnostics.”
“Not counting the two test kits that spontaneously combusted.”
He shrugged. “We’ve already reached out to the manufacturers to have them replaced.”
“It’s not about that. Doesn’t it just feel wrong to you?” I pointed back at the schematics. “What about the diagrams. They give me a headache just looking over there.”
He snorted. “Then take an aspirin”
“And the red light from the testbed?”
“If the mass production models do it, then call it a feature. Look. It’s passed all our tests and we’re scheduled to ramp up production. In ten months, it’ll be everywhere, and we’ll be back on top. Now, unless you have some actual concrete issues to discuss, I have some marketing plans that I need to look over.”
I gritted my teeth and shook my head as he turned and left. There was just no convincing him. I reached into my backpack and pulled out a canteen, frowning at the embossed crucifix. Father Brown and I didn’t see eye to eye, but money still talked. I glanced over at the, my eyes lingering on the tubing. Let’s see how this thing likes a different cooling medium.
“I wouldn’t have called you if it wasn’t,” I said, opening the door to the testbed, and stepping inside. Equipment covered nearly every available surface, with wires and tubing converging on a central workbench. I had purposely left the lights off, which made the red glow emanating from the prototype more obvious. The coiled shadows from the tubing almost seeming to dance to the rhythmic hum of the pump in the background.
“There some sort of problem with the new chip?” He sniffed the air, where the faint scent of sulfur lingered. “I smell something, but everything looks okay.”
I shook my head. “There haven’t been any more problems with the equipment. It’s just that I’m not sure about the new engineer.”
“Naber?”
I nodded.
He frowned. “Because he’s black, or because he’s foreign?”
I’m pretty much socially inept, but even I recognized this land mine. “Neither. It’s not that at all. It’s this design. It doesn’t make any sense,” I said, gesturing to the schematic. And it’s not the black skin that bothers me so much as the red eyes.
“You and all the other engineers. You all need to get over him figuring out this quantum thing, when none of the rest of you could.”
“It’s not that we don’t understand it. We don’t have to get all the details to realize that what we’re seeing shouldn’t be possible. Light physically can’t move fast enough to achieve that frequency, and just saying it’s quantum doesn’t change that. It’s like the design is pulling in information from somewhere else.”
Isn’t that basically what quantum is? Calculating all the possible outcomes at once?”
I shook my head. “It’s not that simple. Look, do we really trust something that we don’t fully understand? Have you even looked at the lithograph plates?” A shudder ran down my spine at the memory. Even not understanding those twisted lines, something about them made my skin crawl.
“It’s passed all the diagnostics.”
“Not counting the two test kits that spontaneously combusted.”
He shrugged. “We’ve already reached out to the manufacturers to have them replaced.”
“It’s not about that. Doesn’t it just feel wrong to you?” I pointed back at the schematics. “What about the diagrams. They give me a headache just looking over there.”
He snorted. “Then take an aspirin”
“And the red light from the testbed?”
“If the mass production models do it, then call it a feature. Look. It’s passed all our tests and we’re scheduled to ramp up production. In ten months, it’ll be everywhere, and we’ll be back on top. Now, unless you have some actual concrete issues to discuss, I have some marketing plans that I need to look over.”
I gritted my teeth and shook my head as he turned and left. There was just no convincing him. I reached into my backpack and pulled out a canteen, frowning at the embossed crucifix. Father Brown and I didn’t see eye to eye, but money still talked. I glanced over at the, my eyes lingering on the tubing. Let’s see how this thing likes a different cooling medium.
“It’s passed all the diagnostics.”
“Not counting the two test kits that spontaneously combusted.”
He shrugged. “We’ve already reached out to the manufacturers to have them replaced.”
QA nightmare fuel right there.
"Isn’t that basically what quantum is? Calculating all the possible outcomes at once?"
Somewhere in London, Quill died inside a little.
I think that the biggest thing this story lacks, author, is some sort of narrative arc for it's persona. The story boils down to "Person A raises an objection, person B says not to worry about it, person A accepts that." There are hints of a greater narrative - is the chip meant to be pulling information from some sort of hell dimension? We've got hints of some sort of religious-militaristic power; but why would they need a marketing division? The problem is that these things are all window dressing, and the actual core of the story is one of mild acceptance of a superior's orders. And, given the way in which the persona throws away his concerns, we're given to think that those concerns aren't of a great order of magnitude anyway.
What I'm trying to say is that we need a reason to care; we need an emotional journey for the persona; we need some sort of tension, or drive. You've got an interesting framework, but you need something to drive it.
I'd be interested to see what you end up doing with it.
>>Foehn
I think you're missing the implication at the end that Ed (Person A) is planning on pouring the canteen into the machinery, ruining the project. I don't feel like I totally understand the details with the canteen - possibly that Father Brown is paying Ed to sabotage it too?
That gives this slightly more of an arc, but it still feels like it's missing impact. A lot of setup, not a lot of payoff.
I think you're missing the implication at the end that Ed (Person A) is planning on pouring the canteen into the machinery, ruining the project. I don't feel like I totally understand the details with the canteen - possibly that Father Brown is paying Ed to sabotage it too?
That gives this slightly more of an arc, but it still feels like it's missing impact. A lot of setup, not a lot of payoff.
>>Ferd Threstle
Yep, totally missed that. Also totally missed that Father Brown and the manager were separate people.Whoops. I redact my statement about a lack of an arc, then. Cheers for pointing that one out.
Apologies, author.
That raises it a couple of spots on my slate, though
is still an adequate summary of the story's problems.
Yep, totally missed that. Also totally missed that Father Brown and the manager were separate people.Whoops. I redact my statement about a lack of an arc, then. Cheers for pointing that one out.
Apologies, author.
That raises it a couple of spots on my slate, though
A lot of setup, not a lot of payoff.
is still an adequate summary of the story's problems.
That story seems pointlessly opaque to me. We clearly have a religious dimension, with the engineer being discussed alluding to some sort of demon (red eyes, black skin?). Then we have a hogwash of quantum jargon that doesn't mean anything. It's curious how many people recourse to the quantum mechanics gimmick when they want to discuss something intricate enough to be unpredictable. Quantum mechanics (at least the non relativist form) is simple, and gives crystal clear answers. That those answers turn out to be probabilities of realisation doesn't mean the quantum world escapes our grasp.
So what I get is that this some sort of demoniac machine (wherefore the red glow) and the guy at the end wants to cool it with holy water. That could've been a fun scenario, but it's too obfuscated to really pay off, as the previous comments demonstrate. Be clearer, and you'll get a much punchier story – comedies like this need to be straightforward, not obscure, because if the reader has to scratch his head at the end wondering for the meaning of what he read, the effect is lost.
Also, the fact that you forgot to write a word at the end doesn't ease the comprehension.
So what I get is that this some sort of demoniac machine (wherefore the red glow) and the guy at the end wants to cool it with holy water. That could've been a fun scenario, but it's too obfuscated to really pay off, as the previous comments demonstrate. Be clearer, and you'll get a much punchier story – comedies like this need to be straightforward, not obscure, because if the reader has to scratch his head at the end wondering for the meaning of what he read, the effect is lost.
Also, the fact that you forgot to write a word at the end doesn't ease the comprehension.
?????? (the only reaction I got from this)
I've probably missed some things while reading it. I wish I had the time to reread it and to try to grasp what is going on here. Unfortunately, I don't have that luxury, and the story felt opaque,like >>Monokeras said.
Sorry author, I wish I had more to say.
I've probably missed some things while reading it. I wish I had the time to reread it and to try to grasp what is going on here. Unfortunately, I don't have that luxury, and the story felt opaque,like >>Monokeras said.
Sorry author, I wish I had more to say.
Interesting comments thread for this one! I didn't have any trouble figuring out the plot, but the author should definitely keep the above feedback in mind. Even with understanding everything, though, I agree that the arc here is tenuous at best. I'd really like to know what happens next!
The biggest dealbreaker for me is that the core conflict, the manager's opposition, feels forced and weak. Why can't the protagonist talk to someone higher up? Why is the company not listening to the actual engineers they hired and paid? Why is there no security stopping Ed from replacing the coolant?
>>Ranmilia Citing myself here talking about top-down design in another entry this round. This story goes even further in that direction. It's very transparent that the manager's opposition is only happening for its own sake, so that this story can have a conflict and present its ideas. That might be a sign that this isn't the right part of the story to show?
Doom 4 is a pretty good game with a decent story! I like the concepts here, and the dynamics all seem workable - this just isn't quite the right snapshot of it. Good effort, though, and thank you for writing!
The biggest dealbreaker for me is that the core conflict, the manager's opposition, feels forced and weak. Why can't the protagonist talk to someone higher up? Why is the company not listening to the actual engineers they hired and paid? Why is there no security stopping Ed from replacing the coolant?
>>Ranmilia Citing myself here talking about top-down design in another entry this round. This story goes even further in that direction. It's very transparent that the manager's opposition is only happening for its own sake, so that this story can have a conflict and present its ideas. That might be a sign that this isn't the right part of the story to show?
Doom 4 is a pretty good game with a decent story! I like the concepts here, and the dynamics all seem workable - this just isn't quite the right snapshot of it. Good effort, though, and thank you for writing!
I feel like this is a bit of a tonal misfire. As structured, this actually feels more like a comedy where an employee brings to his boss' attention that the new engineer is pretty obviously a demon from the pits of hell and the boss doesn't really care. It just seems too clearly evil, demonic magic at work here to read as a more serious action/drama piece. If you want things to be more serious, you either need to establish at the beginning that the protag has a reason to notice the evil way better than the boss, or you need to make the wrongness more subtle.
Also obligatory "turns out the black guy is evil!" here.
Also obligatory "turns out the black guy is evil!" here.
>>Foehn, >>Ferd Threstle, >>Monokeras, >>Fenton, >>Ranmilia, and >>AndrewRogue, thank you all for taking the time and effort in your reviews; I know this wasn't my best work, but it's what I had, and I do appreciate the feedback.
In hindsight, I should've called it 'parallel processing.' The background idea was basically a processor that 'cheated' by shunting a parallel 'hell' dimension instead of actually doing the quantum processing that it was supposed to be doing. The protagonist knows that the design doesn't make sense, but the boss doesn't care, because it seems to work. Aggressive corporate stupidity, perhaps overaggressive. As >>AndrewRogue says, I had aimed to play it for laughs, such as sabotaging a demonic processor by running holy water through it.
As it was, though, it never quite gelled.
In hindsight, I should've called it 'parallel processing.' The background idea was basically a processor that 'cheated' by shunting a parallel 'hell' dimension instead of actually doing the quantum processing that it was supposed to be doing. The protagonist knows that the design doesn't make sense, but the boss doesn't care, because it seems to work. Aggressive corporate stupidity, perhaps overaggressive. As >>AndrewRogue says, I had aimed to play it for laughs, such as sabotaging a demonic processor by running holy water through it.
As it was, though, it never quite gelled.