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Folks You Know
Welcome, Dans!
Dan stared at the banner, annoyance on his face.
Bad enough I have to come here, he thought. Didn’t need them to misspell my name.
He took a breath and turned the doorknob. A slight creak emanated from the door as he stepped inside.
The red carpet covered the whole floor, with Bibles and kneeling pillows filling the edges of the room. Wooden crosses hung from the room's sides, their mahogany tones clashing with the wall's bland white color. In the center of the room sat the group, lounging on metal folding chairs that stood in a loose circle. Only one was empty, Dan’s designated spot for the next hour.
The people turned to face him. Dan shifted his head, looking down toward the floor.
“Dan,” a female voice said. A calm warmth filled her words. “Thank you for joining us.”
Dan nodded and made his way forward, face still glued to the floor. He sat in the empty chair as expeditiously as possible.
“Well, now that Dan’s here, we can get started,” the woman said. “Dan, would you like to go first?”
Dan sighed. “Do I have to?”
“Not if you don’t want to. We can come back to you later, when you’re more comfortable.”
“No, I’ll go now.” He sat back in his chair and stared at the ceiling. “Hey. My name is Dan.”
“Hello, Dan,” the group murmured back.
“I’m here because I committed assault while under the influence. I don-“
“Would you mind looking at us, Dan?” the woman said.
He eyes stayed on the ceiling. “I don’t want to.”
“Why not?”
“Well…this is supposed to be anonymous, right? Should I be looking at your faces?”
Light chuckles filled the room.
“I wouldn’t worry about that, Dan. We all live very far away. It’s unlikely you’ll run into us outside of this meeting.”
“Well, still…”
“Alright. I can see you’re a little uncomfortable, so we’ll let everyone else speak, then come back to you, alright?”
Dan nodded.
“Hello, my name is Dan,” another male voice said.
Dan looked to his right. Weird, he sounded just like m-
It was him, Dan, sitting next to himself. The same face, same build. Only the longer hair and blue jeans differentiated him.
Dan sat up. “What the hell?”
“What’s wrong, Dan?” the woman said.
“He…he looks just like me,” Dan said.
“Why shouldn’t he? He’s Dan too, isn’t he?”
He turned his head toward her. “What do you-?”
She was Dan as well. Not exactly, of course; the breasts and feminine curves clashed too much with his own body type. But the facial structure, the hair color...
His eyes darted between the rest of the group.
They were all him. Save a different hairstyle or two and the varying clothes, they’d be mistaken for twins in the street.
Dan shot out of his chair. “What the hell is this?!”
“Dan, calm down,” Female Dan said.
“You’re me!” he cried out.
“Well, of course we’re you,” she said. “That’s the whole point.”
Dan shook his head in disbelief. “I-I just came here for an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting!”
The Dans looked at each other for a moment.
Then they all burst out laughing.
“Oh, Dan!” Female Dan said between guffaws. “This is Alternates Anonymous!”
“What?” Dan said.
“Alternates Anonymous! It’s where all the alternate versions of yourself meet to discuss their issues!”
Dan only stared, dumbstruck. The rest of the group laughed for a few more moments, before subsiding to a few loose giggles.
“But…” Dan's mind raced for an excuse for escape. “…I need to be at Alcoholics Anonymous! I’ll go back to jail if I-“
“Don’t worry, Dan,” Female Dan said with a smile. “We’ve taken care of it. Our meetings will count as the therapy Judge Reinhold ordered.”
“Ah…?” he said, his hands gesticulating in wild motions.
Female Dan gestured toward the seat. “Please, sit back down. You need to get to know yourselves.”
Dan inched back to the chair, glancing at the others in brief spurts. He eased back down into the seat.
“Alright,” Female Dan said. “Let’s start again, with clearer minds and no misconceptions.”
All the Dans nodded in agreement.
“Hello, all. My name’s Dan…” the Dan to Dan’s right began again.
Dan didn’t listen to his introduction, nor anybody else’s. He just stared into the distance, trapped in his own confusion. It was the only thing in this place that was exclusively his.
Another good laugh. Decently paced, good use of the word-space, unexpected use of the prompt, solid enough conclusion. Thanks for the read, author.
Heh.
“Hello, all. My name’s Dan…” the Dan to Dan’s right began again.
Heh.
In a parallel universe, this was another story.
I kid, I kid. But it is hard to not make the comparison since the ideas are reasonably similar. That said, I also think it demonstrates a slightly stronger version of this story. Ultimately there really isn't much here, especially given we the audience know the punchline from line 1. Outside the prompt, you miiiiight get some people, but, on the whole, the reveal is really obvious and not particularly thrown off by the female speaker (who I assumed was a female Dan from the get go).
Basically, you really need to get into the strangeness of the situation and make that the core of the humor. You start approaching, but you should go hard!
Also:
And, in at least one circumstance, different genitalia and curves. :p
I kid, I kid. But it is hard to not make the comparison since the ideas are reasonably similar. That said, I also think it demonstrates a slightly stronger version of this story. Ultimately there really isn't much here, especially given we the audience know the punchline from line 1. Outside the prompt, you miiiiight get some people, but, on the whole, the reveal is really obvious and not particularly thrown off by the female speaker (who I assumed was a female Dan from the get go).
Basically, you really need to get into the strangeness of the situation and make that the core of the humor. You start approaching, but you should go hard!
Also:
They were all him. Save a different hairstyle or two and the varying clothes, they’d be mistaken for twins in the street.
And, in at least one circumstance, different genitalia and curves. :p
Okay, I guess I'm the odd one out in that I didn't really find this laugh-out-loud humorous. Given the prompt, I kinda put two and two together after the first few paragraphs, and the rest was what I sorta expected. This is going to sound harsh, but I'd go as far to say as there aren't really any jokes here, apart from the main twist (which, like I mentioned, was easy for me to see coming). Dan simply reacts to his circumstances in a way that, while reasonable, feels generic to me.
Take this all with a heaping of salt, though--I never agree with other Writeoff-ers on humor pieces. I do think that this premise is ripe for humor, but I'm not convinced it's gotten there yet.
Take this all with a heaping of salt, though--I never agree with other Writeoff-ers on humor pieces. I do think that this premise is ripe for humor, but I'm not convinced it's gotten there yet.
I'm with >>Bachiavellian in not seeing this as particularly humorous. It has a framework like it should be, but there aren't really any actual jokes or punchlines. The piece is just running on the "Alternates Anonymous" conceit and trying to present that concept, without telling a story (either dramatic or comedic) around it. This is not the first entry I'm reviewing this round to present a bare concept, and probably won't be the last. Tis a common issue, especially in mini rounds, and one the author probably already knows, so I won't spend a ton of time harping on it further.
Two things that stood out to me were the Bibles and noting Dan's eyes focused upwards and downwards, both in the early paragraphs. The former is a strange detail given what we later learn, and the latter stands out immediately as a kludge to hide an upcoming visual punchline.
Concentrate on either having really punchy humor, or working in a true narrative arc. The other fundamentals are there - decent prose, good use of the prompt, doesn't trainwreck. Thanks for writing!
Two things that stood out to me were the Bibles and noting Dan's eyes focused upwards and downwards, both in the early paragraphs. The former is a strange detail given what we later learn, and the latter stands out immediately as a kludge to hide an upcoming visual punchline.
Concentrate on either having really punchy humor, or working in a true narrative arc. The other fundamentals are there - decent prose, good use of the prompt, doesn't trainwreck. Thanks for writing!
Hm. I saw the "twist" coming from the very first sentence, and didn't find anything in the fic all that funny. There isn't even a punchline—the ending is just as serious as everything that's come before it. And as >>Ranmilia noted, the Bibles stood out as a detail that never came into play again. I guess it's meant to be a comment on the religious nature of AA, but it's not subtle enough to work as just setting description, IMO.
I think, much like >>Dubs_Rewatcher that you squandered a good idea. That “gathering” of Dans could've been fun, but here too much is spent in the prologue. We don't even know why the others are here, and what's the purpose of the meeting. Also it seems very unlikely someone in that sort of meeting keeps looking at the ceiling and totally ignores the other participants. How would he find his chair?
There's definitely something good to delve into here, but the execution is lacking.
There's definitely something good to delve into here, but the execution is lacking.
This is based on an interesting idea with good execution.
It seems a little too direct for my tastes, though. The fact that this AA meeting exists and somehow the judge is aware of it contrasts with Dan unable to comprehend something like this existing. I can identify with "guy is confused" but there isn't much beyond that for me to latch on to emotionally.
It would have been interesting if we'd had the ability to see why other Dans were there. Maybe the next one committed armed robbery, and the one after that was caught by the fashion police? I think adding some spice to this would help a lot.
It seems a little too direct for my tastes, though. The fact that this AA meeting exists and somehow the judge is aware of it contrasts with Dan unable to comprehend something like this existing. I can identify with "guy is confused" but there isn't much beyond that for me to latch on to emotionally.
It would have been interesting if we'd had the ability to see why other Dans were there. Maybe the next one committed armed robbery, and the one after that was caught by the fashion police? I think adding some spice to this would help a lot.
I sort of like the central idea, where AA meetings hold a (possibly?) more sinister organization than what we usually think. I also give points for giving Dan-Prime a fairly realistic reaction to these folks; he doesn't start whooping and hollering immediately, but he's also not absurdly chill with this arrangement. It makes the story feel a bit more grounded and Dan-Prime relateable.
That being said, I gotta file in with the rest of the reviewers in saying the twist was pretty obvious. This wouldn't be so bad if you hadn't spent pretty much half of the story building up to it (Dan-Prime looking away from them constantly, etc.). I also feel like the story isn't entirely sure what it wants to be: is it a quirky comedy about a goofy interdimensional misunderstanding, or a sinister examination of a normally benevolent group? I got shades of both, and I don't think that was intentional. You really need to figure out what you want to show AA as before you do anything else with this story.
4/10, gotta go on a date with myself now
That being said, I gotta file in with the rest of the reviewers in saying the twist was pretty obvious. This wouldn't be so bad if you hadn't spent pretty much half of the story building up to it (Dan-Prime looking away from them constantly, etc.). I also feel like the story isn't entirely sure what it wants to be: is it a quirky comedy about a goofy interdimensional misunderstanding, or a sinister examination of a normally benevolent group? I got shades of both, and I don't think that was intentional. You really need to figure out what you want to show AA as before you do anything else with this story.
4/10, gotta go on a date with myself now
"Folks You Know" Retrospective
I think the word I'd use to describe this story is "confused". I wrote it with two different ideas: a comedic fic ("The AA is actually Alternates Anonymous?! How wacky!”) and a more serious fic (the idea that a seemingly benevolent organization had a sinister edge to it and that you're a failure no matter what universe you're from). The comedy aspect is clear towards the beginnings and end, while the dramatic part is toward the middle. As many of you pointed out, these tones didn't entirely mesh well, and the story doesn't sit right because of it. Looking back, I started out with the comedic angle, then switched to wanting to do the darker angle halfway through. I should’ve just rewritten it to be more in line with that idea, but I was in a rush and was growing tired of the story, so I just left it as is.
Personally, I think the tone clash was because I hadn’t quite shaken off the tone of the first fic I wrote for this contest. It was a comedic fic about a mentally disturbed man traveling to another universe to defeat a fascist slug overlord, and it was very strange and goofy. I ditched it, however, when I realized that the humor felt too obvious and was more irritating than amusing. Besides, Cassius provided the wacky offbeat story of the round with “Monokeras and Fenton's Whacky French Adventures” far better, so I’m glad I left mine out of this round.
Even though I’m not fond of this story and think it’s rather weak, I have to say that I'm surprised by the reactions to this story. Even though they're not incredibly positive, a lot of you seemed to find it rather mundane instead of unspeakably awful. That's a far warmer reception than I was expecting; I thought this would've been tossed out by the end of the first round. And yet, here it is as a finalist. Huh.
So in the end, this was a failure, but a respectable failure. I probably won’t revisit it, but at least I know what to do with it if I ever do.
Now, for some individual comments:
>>Foehn
Yeah, that's my favorite line in the story too. I wrote it in the first draft and just liked the way it sounded, so I figured it should stay in.
>>GroaningGreyAgony
Glad you got a chuckle. More than I got out of it.
>>AndrewRogue
I never really planned on the twist to be that surprising, but yeah, I kind of regret devoting that much build-up to the ending.
Also, Dan is very androgynous. Maybe she does look like him. :P
>>Bachiavellian
Yeah, the lack of jokes is kind of a symptom of that "two tones problem" I mentioned earlier. Though I will defend Dan's reaction, as I thought it had enough emotion behind it to feel realistic without being over-the-top goofy.
>>Ranmilia
Doesn't trainwreak.
Probably the most generous comment my writing's ever got. XD
The comments about the lack of jokes and Dan not looking at the people are pretty accurate. I was initially going to fix the latter issue by having the meeting in a very dark room, but that felt just as obvious and I thought Dan avoiding looking at the people felt a little bit more natural (he's worried about this new group he doesn't want to be in, after all).
I'm surprised a lot of folks don't get the details about the Bibles. A fair amount of AA meetings are held in churches (my own hometown Methodist church did so a few times), and this was just a way of saying this place was a church without straight-up saying "it's a church".
>>Dubs_Rewatcher
Looking back, I probably should've solidified the more serious tone I wanted the story to go in. It would've fit a lot better. And like I told >>Ranmilia, the Bibles were just to show it was a church that the AA meeting was being held in, not to imply a "religious nature" to the piece.
>>Monokeras
You're right for the most part. The concept of meeting multiple yous is a pretty interesting idea, and I'm kind of disappointed I didn't explore it more fully.
Also, he was looking at the floor when he first came in. He could've seen the chair in his line of vision like that.
>>Trick_Question
In the first draft, it was suggested that the Judge was in on the Alternates Anonymous gig, and I even considered having an alternate-Judge appear as the mediator for the meeting instead of Fem-Dan. But it really inflated the word count and felt too distracting, so I got rid of it. And you’re right: I should’ve featured more of the other Dans tales just so they could get some development. I tried it initially, but like the Judge, it took too many words and I just dropped it.
At the very least, I’m happy that you at least related to Dan’s confusion. That was one of the prime emotions I was trying to tap, so at least I was successful in that regard.
>>libertydude
Given the nature of this round, I should be suspecting you as an imposter. But I pretty much feel this way and I know I wrote this, so I’ll just leave you be. :P