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Monokeras and Fenton's Whacky French Adventures
Fenton mentally readied himself to kill Hitler. He brainstormed the pre-mortem one-liners at his disposal: “Bet you did Nazi this coming!” No, that was terrible. Perhaps something simpler and without the stupid puns: “Should have stayed in art school.” Or maybe some pop culture reference like—

“Fenton! I need your help over here with this flux capacitor!” Monokeras yelled, in French.

Fenton made a note to revisit this topic before finishing the time machine.

“I’m coming!” he responded, frenchly. Fenton lit what was probably his ninth cigarette of the day and stumbled through the littered interior of their makeshift “laboratory” that had once been Mono’s apartment. Countless tangled cords, screws, scraps of sheet metal, and of course Mono’s children obstructed Fenton’s path.

“Mr. Fenton, when am I going to get my room back? It’s been like a year and a half now,” Mono’s daughter asked in her native tongue which of course was French.

“Soon.” Fenton shot a winning grin, exhaling a thick puff of smoke into room.

Mono’s daughter coughed.

“Mr. Fenton, can you make me a sandwich? Dad said he was busy.” Mono’s son tugged on his ankle.

Fenton rolled his eyes and trudged to kitchen to retrieve some bread and meat from the pantry.

“Fenton, where are you?!” Mono’s voice boomed from his daughter’s room. “I’d really like your help operating this highly unstable nuclear fission reactor that could, you know, possibly break and leak radiation everywhere. I mean if you’re not too busy that is. I know I can be a bother, but I would really appreciate your help here.” The urgency of Mono’s words was only exceeded by how French they were.

There was a pause. “I’m sorry, Fenton, I don’t mean to be too demanding. I’m sure whatever you’re doing is important too. Feel free to help me whenever.”

Another pause. Then, in a much softer voice, “Although, I hope it’s soon.”

Fenton lit another cigarette and sighed, again exhaling a large cloud of smoke into the room.

Mono’s kids coughed.

Who would have guessed such a neurotic guy made such an amazing engineer? Fenton still couldn’t believe it. He also couldn’t believe he was cutting the crusts off a sandwich while there was a very real potential of radiation leaking into the room and killing everyone.

Fenton finished up the sandwich and ran to Mono.

Mono precariously held the flux capacitor over his head, trying to jiggle it into place between the narrow arches that would hopefully project an oval-shaped time portal.

“Fenton, what have I told you about smoking?” Mono spoke in his scolding French father voice he usually reserved for his kids.

Fenton ignored this line of inquiry as he had for the last year and half, simply deciding to help Mono adjust the flux capacitor into place. An audible buzz could be heard as the machine slowly whirred to life. The twin arches of the time gate generated a shimmering, phosphorescent, and slightly transparent pink aura.

“We’ve done it Mono!”

“Yes, but did you have to make the design so, uh—“ Mono hesitated to complete his French thought.



“IT WAS FOR EFFICIENCY PURPOSES!” Fenton said, frenchingly flustered. “Just set the time to 1937 and the place to Germany so we can get this over with.”

“Can do.” Mono went behind the machine to adjust the input settings.

The moment Mono stepped out of view, another pink time portal came into existence directly next to the original.

“You know, I always feel very uncomfortable going through this thing, Fenton. It just seems so Freudian, you know?” It was Mono’s voice. But something was very very wrong. He was speaking English without an accent.

“Mono?” Fenton squeaked out. He could see another figure faintly moving through the pink aether.

“Yes?” Two Monos said in stereo French and English.

Fenton didn’t even see the gun. A bullet blew off the top of his scalp, sending a debris of skull bits, blood, and brain tissue onto the floor.

Fenton and Mono stepped out from the portal. “Well that’s one down.” Fenton noted, in perfect English.

“Wait! Don’t shoot, I have a family!” Mono stepped out from behind the machine.

“I know,” Mono retorted, before firing an unnecessary number of rounds into the other Mono.

“There can be only one!" Fenton playfully jabbed an elbow into Mono. "Highlander. Pretty good, eh?”

“That was terrible, Fenton,” Mono replied. “That is why we can't kill Hitler. Maybe you'll get the right one-liner this time.”
« Prev   34   Next »
#1 · 5
· · >>Cassius
Whoever wrote that ❤️❤️
Sadly not on my slate… 😫
#2 ·
· · >>Cassius
You know what, I was with this 100% until the end. I mean, that opening line is how you get attention, and the various "frenchly" references were absurd but solid well-meaning nudges at our heroes. But to me the thing at the end crossed the line from "well-meaning nudge" to something less pleasant. It's a fine line, granted; but I'm reminded of the illustrious Mr. Trampoline's onetime story about a trippin' Andrea Libman talking to Pinkie Pie as a similar example of walking-and-sometimes-crossing said line. IMO it fails to reward the audience for the interest it's otherwise built in these characters.
#3 · 2
· · >>Cassius
Thank you, whoever you are.

#4 · 1
A triumph.
#5 · 3
· · >>Cassius
This was lovely. Mono's kids were definitely the best characters.

That said, I'm not sure that the author completely got Mono's voicing down... and I'm serious about that. Study the chat logs a bit more, come to the next DubsCon. You'll learn. 😉

inb4 it turns out mono wrote this himself
#6 ·
· · >>Ranmilia >>Cassius
Generally speaking, this is a pretty solid example of how to do crack comedy that resonates with me. Just sharp, punchy, and everything sort of connecting into everything else. I think the ending works, because time travel resolution requires body counts. That said, this story would obviously have no appeal outside the immediate group, but honestly, there is nothing wrong with writing for an audience.

That said, I do agree that you don't have Mono's voice down.
#7 · 2
· · >>Monokeras >>Cassius
Ah. This. I've been waiting for this, and will probably make it my last review for the day.

So I went in knowing it was crack, obviously, and with very low expectations.

.... It's surprisingly good?!

It could use less repetition (of "French" particularly) and better voices for the characters, but the jokes do land, the transitions are sharp, and it's just plain fun to read. There's even a narrative arc and conflict! The black humor end will likely be divisive, but worked very well for me. Basically see >>AndrewRogue on all counts.

Needs more self-deprecation from Mono, though. Some deadpan commentary as they work about how obviously this is the worst designed time machine in the multiverse, and apologizing to his own dead self for wasting his own time after killing him. (<3 u mono)

I... is this actually my first place vote so far?! Yes. Could be more polished, but... it works, hits all its absurdist comedy notes well, I can't really think of substantial critical improvements.

Thanks for writing... I think?! Have you brought the Doom of Sarnath upon us all?!
#8 · 2
❤️ to you too 😉
#9 · 3
My audio review here
#10 · 4
Fenton lit what was probably his ninth cigarette of the day

You'd have a better count by doubling it.

Also, I'm surprised no one has already said it, so I guess I have to:
I ship it.
#11 · 3
· · >>Trick_Question
Cassius suggested me to write a review of this one in French. So here it is:

Cette histoire est très mauvaise, pour plusieurs raisons. Premièrement, elle exagère grossièrement l'espace disponible dans la chambre de ma fille, même compte tenu de la mezzanine.

Deuxièmement il est strictement interdit de fumer chez moi, Fenton ou pas. Pas de fumée ni dans la cuisine, ni ailleurs.

Ma fille n'est pas aussi polie que l'auteur de cette fiction semble le suggérer. Ça fait bien longtemps qu'elle aurait dit à Fenton : « Tu fais chier, dégage et laisse-moi bosser ! » Bon okay, elle ne bosse pas vraiment, mais quand même.

Cette fiction ignore totalement la figurine de Fluttershy qu'elle stocke quelque part dans sa piaule.

Mon fils ne mange pas de sandwich mais des croque-monsieurs, et sans fromage, parce qu'il n'aime pas ça.

Fenton fait des études de lettres, comment voulez-vous qu'il comprenne quoi que ce soit à ce genre de machine ?

La blague du design en forme de vagin est de mauvais goût.

Il y a trop de fois le mot français dans cette histoire. Une fois, deux, trois… mais onze ? L'auteur nous prend pour des demeurés ?

Je n'ai jamais touché à une arme à feu et n'ai pas l'intention de le faire.


Bref cette histoire est NULLE !


#12 · 1
· · >>Monokeras >>Cassius
This story is cute enough that the overdone meta doesn't become a handicap. I didn't know Fenton was French, but I should have guessed that from the expression of contempt in his user icon.

I need to point out that "frenchly" should be "Frenchly". In general, everything that has 'french' in it should be 'French' instead. (If you're writing in English, anyway.) The reason "french fries" is sometimes not capitalized is that it describes the style of fry rather than where it comes from or who makes it, but you rarely see a country or city name not capitalized if it isn't a food or product (and even then, most of the time it will be).

Some portions of the French translations should be marked <untranslatable> for additional laughs. Also because I'm pretty sure that would be accurate.

Monokeras has children? Really? At least tell me you can date your own children in France. I'm pretty sure that's the case, last I heard. They're open-minded about that sort of thing. Hot.

I refuse to believe somepony in France would complain about a vaginal engineering design. I mean, look at the Tower.

The story is adorable, but the comedy is killed for me when it becomes violent (seriously, it does actually ruin it for me). Murdering a man in front of his children is a hard sell, because I can't envision it without the tragedy. It's hard enough for me to not envision tragedy when I'm reading a typical comedy. Plus, even with an infinite number of realities, there's no universe where these guys aren't French.
#13 · 1
· · >>Trick_Question
Monokeras has children? Really?

Yup. Two.

At least tell me you can date your own children in France.

Unless you’re implying France was founded by Oedipus, not that I’m aware of. And frankly, knowing how a pain in the ass my daughter is, I wish good luck to her future BFs. :P

I refuse to believe somepony in France would complain about a vaginal engineering design. I mean, look at the Tower.

You’re right. We had that giant plastic sculpture or something sitting in the Place Vendôme for a while last year. The artist claimed it was a fake fir tree (or spruce, whatever) but we all knew it was a big anal plug.
#14 ·
· · >>Monokeras
And frankly, knowing how a pain in the ass my daughter is, I wish good luck to her future BFs. :P

I'm going to choose to interpret that literally. (Don't ruin this for me, Mono.)
#15 ·
· · >>Trick_Question
Did you check out the last part of my previous message? The one I added after your answer?
#16 ·
I just did, and laughed. That's something I'd expect more from Germany, tbh.
#17 ·
· · >>Monokeras
Thanks the Stars for Google Translate. :rainbowlaugh:
#18 ·
Well, I mean, don’t get so elated. Google translate is bad. Sometimes what you get out of it is just the opposite of what was written in the first place…
#19 ·
· · >>Cassius
I'm with everyone else here: this was actually pretty entertaining. The meta nature of the narrative, instead of usually being driven into the ground (like most stories), was just one aspect of the comedy. The kids, the vaginal portal, and the smoking all played into the story's humor without becoming too overdone. The one thing I didn't care for was the ending, mostly because it was pretty easy to see coming and didn't feel as well executed as the rest of the story. Other than that, a fun little romp.

8/10, would learn French to become Mono's son again
#20 · 8


Thank you to everyone who read and supported this story. I wrote this story with the intention of delivering quality Monokeras and Fenton related content to you folks at the write off without relying on the meta aspect to carry the story itself. As I told Mono before I entered, I didn't want to "phone in" my content just because I was making an in-joke with the write off. A big inspiration for me in particular to write this story was The Ballad of Roger Wilco, and perhaps I will write more stories in that sort of vein in the future. I find them very enjoyable to craft, and I love the response that they get, but I hope to also not wear out the appeal.

I am truly blown away by the level of support that this story got (three top slates!). Early on, I figured that this story probably wouldn't make it out of finals because it would be typecast as an insubstantial story (despite my efforts to make it have some meat to it).

The overabundance of French jokes was actually not in my original draft (I only had 4) and the additional French tags were the result of a suggestion by Corejo. Please send all your hate mail to him.


I regret killing Mono. Next time I will only kill Fenton.
#21 ·
I enjoyed this.