Ah. This. I've been waiting for this, and will probably make it my last review for the day.

So I went in knowing it was crack, obviously, and with very low expectations.

.... It's surprisingly good?!

It could use less repetition (of "French" particularly) and better voices for the characters, but the jokes do land, the transitions are sharp, and it's just plain fun to read. There's even a narrative arc and conflict! The black humor end will likely be divisive, but worked very well for me. Basically see >>AndrewRogue on all counts.

Needs more self-deprecation from Mono, though. Some deadpan commentary as they work about how obviously this is the worst designed time machine in the multiverse, and apologizing to his own dead self for wasting his own time after killing him. (<3 u mono)

I... is this actually my first place vote so far?! Yes. Could be more polished, but... it works, hits all its absurdist comedy notes well, I can't really think of substantial critical improvements.

Thanks for writing... I think?! Have you brought the Doom of Sarnath upon us all?!

>>Ranmilia
❤️ to you too 😉

This is a rarity, a comedy fic where I really like it compared to everyone else.

>>Ranmilia's post made me stop and think about why I consider this stronger than something like Roy's Diner (which I similarly stated had a mostly filler body), and the conclusion I came to was the following: the beginning of this story ties directly into the later punchline, in that the punchline is an inversion of the drama. That particular setup (which also plays a bit against type with how parallels are presented - I'm sure it isn't fully unique, but it is a pretty good take in this field and explores a logical area that isn't happening).

So yeah, I found it amusing.

Egh... this is... fine.

The main problem here is that this immediately puts me in mind of Osmosis Jones, which is... not a thing I particular want to recall. Moreover, this fic doesn't really do anything with it to really push me beyond that comparison. Solid prose (although I feel there are a few too many X Xed lines I feel?), but yeah, needed a stronger punch.

I think I finally realized the meaning of the last line (the one I tagged as #4 in >>horizon). Alt-Ingrid is making a distinction between parallel universes, and perpendicular universes — back to the racing analogy, where two racers are headed in the same direction (parallel to each other) they're not a danger to each other, but people who wander in from a different direction ("crossing the intersection against us") cause collisions. It's not a reference to any particular Ingrid, but about the relative orientations of the Ingrids that are meeting.

That's more clever than I gave it credit for, but it doesn't really change my complaint about alt-Ingrid's behavior not being consistent; and given how long it took me to pick up on it, could really use some stronger lampshading. The idea of non-"parallel" universes isn't an intuitive one to drag in as outside context, because you're talking about dimensions that are very nearly metaphorical. Especially since the very first meeting of the two Ingrids describes them as remarkably similar — reinforcing the idea that this is a parallel, when it actually isn't.

(I briefly considered the idea that protagonist-Ingrid is the second racer, but she's lampshaded in the text as not having raced before, and she doesn't know what she's doing. Alt-Ingrid specifically talks about the close races being the fun ones, which strongly implies equal skills and/or knowledge. As a total newcomer, protagonist-Ingrid logically has to be the obstacle.)

Oh god, that ending. Love it. Although I wonder how many people here are missing the joke...

I also love the moment with the store names--but really, you don't need that

So when she read them all across the top...

line. It's just explaining the joke.

In all, very amusing.

See >>Bachiavellian. Really nothing more that I can add here, beyond mentioning the biggest difference between this and Villainy, I think, is the lack of a repeating block of text and stronger (and ultimately more unique) individual scenarios, which makes the repetition a bit less grinding.

Actually I do have one more thing! The asexual scene. To be honest, while I get the thrust of the scene, it honestly comes off (to me) as the guy being hella abrasive, which I am not sure is intentional? This might just be a case of not really knowing too much about the general societal reaction to that announcement, but the "That's a shame" doesn't really reflect on him. She wants to fuck him. It sucks (for her) that he is not into it.

It just really reads as him looking to pick a fight.

Chalk me up with the lost. The description works well enough, and the actions are in, but I don't know what he sees behind the door, and so I can't interpret his actions.

>>Ranmilia
Here, take this :)

So no, it's not French nor EU, it's French-Japanese-Swiss-Italian. Dunno how is the English dub is, but it's definitely a show worth to watch for children.

Hmmm.

I'm going to have to agree with >>AndrewRogue >>Dubs_Rewatcher >>Ranmilia here; there's no real story here. The absurdity of the guy's actions generates humor, to be fair, but outside of that, the story doesn't do much.

Part of the problem is that we start by establishing that this date is going terribly:

"But first, we need to talk about parallel universes."

Oh my god, I thought, he's starting with that? "I hate you so much," I whispered as my head thudded softly against the laminate of the table.

...and we finish with the natural conclusion thereto, with no twist, or change, or subversion, or subthread, or progress, other than the mounting stupidity of her date:

"That means that somewhere out there in the innumerable universes there's a version of me that's stupid enough to forgive you." I dumped the glass of water out all over his pile of straw wrappers and stood to leave. "Good luck finding it."

There's no arc - the narrator's conclusion merely re-affirms her opening position. I feel as if this could be a good scene as part of a comedy - it is genuinely funny at times - but it lacks the breadth to stand as a comedy in-and-of itself.

Part of the problem of late reviews is that it's difficult to speak without repeating others. I'm in agreement with >>Ranmilia here; I thought the concept was interesting, the execution was good, and the analogy was clever; nonetheless, the ending fell flat for me, as I wasn't sure what exactly I was meant to be taking away from this. The story started as mildly absurdist; veered into comedy; and finished with the out-of-the-blue death of the narrative persona. Which was funny, in the sense that it's dead-pan delivery successfully shocked me the first time, and tied up a clever story conceit; nonetheless, it didn't do particularly much for me, which leaves me conflicted; in a purely narrative sense, it's a strong ending. In terms of emotional engagement, it's not.

Nonetheless, the story was a good read. Thanks for the entry, author.

I hurt my arm, so I'm recording reviews instead of typing them.

Listen at this link.

I hurt my arm, so I'm recording reviews instead of typing them.

Listen at this link.

I hurt my arm, so I'm recording reviews instead of typing them.

Listen at this link.

I hurt my arm, so I'm recording reviews instead of typing them.

Listen at this link.

I hurt my arm, so I'm recording reviews instead of typing them.

Listen at this link.

I hurt my arm, so I'm recording reviews instead of typing them.

Listen at this link.

I hurt my arm, so I'm recording reviews instead of typing them.

Listen at this link.

I hurt my arm, so I'm recording reviews instead of typing them.

Listen at this link.

I hurt my arm, so I'm recording reviews instead of typing them.

Listen at this link.

I hurt my arm, so I'm recording reviews instead of typing them.

Listen at this link.

I wanted to do one of these because of Hat

Review found here.

“Tom. What does the Everett Device do?” I asked, staring at him across the desk.

Tom scowled. “You know what it does.”

“Humor me.” I leaned back in my chair, folding my hands behind my head.

"Well, as you know, Bob…"

As much as I'd like to see smoother exposition, the real problem here is, once again, a confusion over what you actually want your core premise to be, and what the implications of that core are, which results in you inserting contradictory details:

“Yes. And it doesn’t work. There’s no such thing as parallel dimensions,” I said, nodding my head.

“We all know [parallel dimensions exist], Tom. It’s not like we don’t [all make the same mistake on the published math] on purpose.”

Both of these are, I should point out, after they retreat to the professor's office. The denial in the first line isn't trying to paper over the conspiracy in public so he can reveal the truth in private. The denial is, apparently, just leading Tom on. If the twist ending is correct and there's a huge science-wide conspiracy to cover up deliberately fudged math (itself a bit of a stretch, but whatever), then basically the professor is just lying to Tom's face — for, as far as I can tell, no good reason, because he casually volunteers the truth two paragraphs later!

Tom's goal is pretty clear here (he's onto a discovery he earnestly believes is a breakthrough), but it doesn't look like the professor was written with your overall story structure in mind. So there's a huge conspiracy to suppress this invention which actually accesses parallel universes (even though the story claims that they're all identical, which I'll get to in a bit). What does the professor get out of suppressing this knowledge? What is his goal here (and the goal of the conspiracy)? If the actual operation of the device is so demonstrably pointless, why lie about the math in the first place? (I'm not saying there's not a good answer to that question, but we don't hear it here. And I don't feel like whatever answer exists is adequate to explain why he would take Tom behind closed doors to lie to him, only to volunteer the truth five seconds later.) If you decide before you write/edit that "the professor's goal is to protect the conspiracy", it becomes quickly obvious that he's got an incentive to lie in public and then level with Tom in private. You can drop the hammer blow of your twist as soon as they get behind closed doors, and then you're setting up a juicy conflict about what Tom does with this new knowledge.

Right now, rather than that conflict, it seems like you're doubling down on the all universes are identical bit, which leads to your final line about predestination. I think that's a mistake. It seems like your contention here is that, just because all universes are identical to this one, predestination is a necessary conclusion. Those are orthogonal problems, though! The only way to prove predestination is to have a mechanism of prediction for future actions, and unless the Everett Device has some sort of time component (which it doesn't seem to), it can't address that. More importantly, the professor isn't acting like he has future knowledge: he didn't anticipate the topic of Tom's visit, for instance. Tom's objection is valid: what is the actual barrier to him publishing? If he decides to publish, a million professors in a million dimensions will do the same thing, but all of their lives will continue with publication having happened. The Professor seems to be assuming that he can't publish because he assumes he can't publish; worse, every single member of the conspiracy seems to be uniformly assuming that as well — which is dubious on its face given the fact that Tom knows the truth and doesn't agree!

So, yeah, you've got an interesting core idea here, but I don't feel like the story came together around it. Fixing some of the issues noted above can be done fairly trivially, but if you follow where the implications of your story lead (big conspiracies, etc) it'll take some deeper tinkering to really get everything aligning. Thanks for submitting, regardless, and good wishes for your editing!

Tier: Needs Work

Not much to say that others haven't said already. You've got a solid core here, but it doesn't achieve its full potential.

Though their actions were clear, neither of the characters were very distinct, possibly due to having little time in the limelight to develop. You might want to consider starting it a little earlier to give them more depth and deliver some foreshadowing of the conflict.

Have I talked about the MICE quotient? I think I have. Here is some people who are better than me talking about it:

http://www.writingexcuses.com/2011/08/07/writing-excuses-6-10-scott-cards-m-i-c-e-quotient/

To keep it short, since I'm sure I've talked about this before, the MICE quotient is a sort of breakdown of story concept: milieu (a story about your world), idea (a story about a concept/question), character (about a character changing), and event (a story about a thing happening).

So why do I bring this up? Because satisfying stories are constructed with this in mind, starting and ending with the same element. This isn't to say that you can't include multiple elements, it is just often that you nest them, such that things resolve in a satisfying order.

So why am I bringing this up here? Because I think that's where this otherwise solid story goes wrong. You start us out with an idea or event story (depending on how you take the information), but you end on a character story, which creates a rather unsatisfying arc. You have set it up so that we, the readers, expect payoff for the gun story, but instead we are hard swung into a very personal character story at the halfway point. Which is really unsatisfying, because that's not the story you prepped us to expect.

Had you led with the character stuff, the conclusion being his decision to face things down would be much more satisfying, but instead we're left wanting you to actually resolve the story you presented at the beginning. The nested character story resolves fine, but you still leave the event/idea story hanging.

I'm also a bit unsure of the allegorical Laius comparison. I mean, in part, the difference is that our lead here goes off to face his fate rather than try to avoid it... but that's kind of the issue of fate here. Neither of their decisions really matter. What they do is guided by fate regardless. That's kind of the issue: once fate exists, it doesn't matter because you aren't really choosing anymore. Going to meet whatever he needs the gun for is the same as Laius choice to try and avert his fate, because ultimately choice doesn't exist.

They say a picture's worth 1000 words, which is unfortunate, because that's about 250 more than you got to work with.

Which is a problem, because you are trying to both paint a picture here AND have a tiny little narrative arc, which leads to you getting neither. While your initial stuff starts to convey the idea of something akin to Hellsalem's Lot in Blood Blockade Battlefront, it is pretty quickly lost because you don't quite manage to keep up the weird touches through the date. They are two, normal people there. Which isn't bad per se, but you need

I'm not saying you need to throw something bizarre out every line, but you do need to keep mixing in the fantasy and the mundane in little ways to get the image solid in the reader's mind.

Beyond that, while the narrative arc functions, I just don't think the punch is really big enough to make for a really engaging story. His reluctance is a little too understated at the beginning for this "let's keep the date going" thing to really feel like a triumph/change.

It's not bad but it doesn't stand out either. The context is hard to figure out outside of North America, since – at least in France – we don't have all those prom things and so on. No social events organised by high schools.

So anyways –

I wonder what's exactly is going on here. The guy wants to ask this girl out but gets friend zoned. Then his friend says he’s bordering gay. Then suddenly he gives up and admits that a good video game is maybe more important.

I mean okay, that's a pretty realistic dialogue between teens, but the stakes are so low and the situation is so easily solved that you cannot really call that neither a drama nor a comedy. As it stands, it's a slice of life.

I'm going to have to agree with >>AndrewRogue here; I enjoyed this one. Nice use of bookends. If not an original concept, then a solid execution thereof.

My largest issue here is how jarringly different the persona's counterparts' personalities are compared to his own sans-explanation; I suppose it's played for comedic effect vis-a-vis the bookends, so it's not entirely unjustified, but it feels a little off.

Nonetheless - a fun read. Cheers, author.

>>Fenton
+1
>>devas
+2

This piece doesn't quite succeed at forming a full story based on the prompt, so I don't have much more to add. It's headed in the right direction, though, and holds itself together better than many other pieces with a similar experience level. Thanks for writing - keep practicing, and I hope to see you back for future rounds!

Ok, ok, actual review now.

This is a pretty good three act comedy piece! I like most of the first and third acts, their jokes landed well, and I like the idea of the second act. However, I think the execution flounders a bit there and ends up relying on repetition and overexplanation to cover for holes in the substance of the story. (For example, why doesn't Charlie call the police? What do you mean by work "not being there" and why isn't that played up more?)

That's about all I've got. A solid package with some visible seams and patches. Someone clearly got hit by time pressure, in a mini round?! Unpossible!! Thanks for writing!

>>Fenton
Basically this. The piece has a setup like it's a comedy, but then doesn't tell jokes. The meat of the material instead goes for a "wonders of the multiverse" referential adventure angle, but then pulls back from that to absurdist meta comedy again, but then doesn't tell jokes again... you get the picture. It feels confused and doesn't end up accomplishing much in any direction.

I'd say this all comes down to an extremely common issue: trying to do too much for the mini format. The ideas on display aren't inherently bad, but attempting to do all of them in 24 hours and 400-750 words is extremely difficult if not impossible. That's why we have mini rounds, though - learning these lessons is part of the challenge, and the fun, of mastering different formats. Learn and grow, and thanks for writing!

>>horizon
*vague upwards arm gestures* Yeah, all that.

This story hits another one of my own pet peeves, though: it's barely a story on its own. Instead, it's a story about a much more interesting story, reliant on secondhand details for the bulk of its appeal.

“To summarize,” the dean said. “You—a recently joined scholarship student—noticed a Scarsnatcher on campus on your first day. You knew what she was, thanks to the stories your grandfather, a war hero, used to tell you when you were young, and instead of choosing to inform me or the authorities set off to stop her on your own.” She paused for a moment to increase the tension. I felt as if the true weight of the black hole was on my back. “Not only that, but you broke into one of our lab facilities, helped yourself to a singularity box, and released a colony of inquats from our xenomorphic study rooms, and set a cafeteria fountain on fire?”

That sounds amazing! I'd love to read that story! But I'm not reading that story. I'm reading an expository conversation that's trying to trick me into imagining that much cooler story and make me believe I read that instead.

This story, here, on the page, earns zero points from me for any of those referenced Cool Things and Events, because the story we actually get is all tell and no show. Maybe if we at least saw the Singularity Box in action, or got to see even a minor flashback, something, anything, I'd be able to extend some credit. But we don't get anything on the page.

Now, that probably sounds like I'm being a big meanyhead. Here's why it bothers me, though:

Q: Why didn't we get the full story of all these cool things happening?
A: That story couldn't fit in 750 words.

That's the real rub, and why I referred to it as a trick. An expository reduction of a longer work isn't a very good use of the mini format to me (even if said work doesn't actually exist). When I Imagine changing those fantasy details and exciting descriptions to something more mundane, refocusing the reader's lens on this conversation between Pangelica and the Dean, it becomes clear how little meat there really is here. As Trick Question pointed out, we don't even learn Pangie's real motivations, or how she feels about any of this beyond hoping she doesn't get expelled.

Harshness time over, though. The prose is great! Fantastic job at working in the details and unfamiliar terms in ways that read well and appear to make sense, even if they fall apart on examination. When I call it a trick, I don't mean that as an entirely negative thing. Tricking readers into thinking they read something much more exciting than they did is a very valuable skill, and this is quite a nice demonstration of it! There is definitely a school of thought that would hold that "cheating" format limitations is great and this style of story is a great way to do a mini - it's just not what I'm looking for in my own judging criteria. And even with all that, I think this is still making the top half of my slate so far. So, indeed, thanks for writing!

So this story was a bit of fresh air in a lot of respects. There's a moral here that has somewhat fallen out of favor in today's blithely positive society that shuns personal improvement and accountability. Although I think perhaps the overall message here was a bit heavy-handed, and the protagonist (the one that holds the perspective) comes across as a bit too quick to be hostile with her alternative self. Part of the the latter problem is the result of how the scene is structure: from the onset, the protagonist is hostile, without the reader being informed as to why she is having this reaction outside a reference to her being tired. If she really is so tired to the point that she can't be bothered at all, there needed to be more attention to this detail. If she is having the hostile reaction in part due the squalid state of her alternative self, that detail should be established before the reader sees the behavior.

I think also the scene is not set up satisfactorily because of the details the protagonist initially hones in on: her appearance, which again makes it seem that she is making a judgment call based on how she looks rather than her demeanor (which is ultimately the more substantial problem for her), and it would have been better to have that established earlier in the dialogue. I'm aware there the line where she talks about all the stuff they will do and how they will move in together, but it frankly is not enough to establish the sentiment the author was going for.

It took me a while to figure out LHC stood for Large Hadron Collider, and I'm still not exactly sure why that detail was included.

>>AndrewRogue makes a good point, which is that perhaps this story would be better served from the perspective of the socially inept scientist version of the protagonist instead of the more well-adjusted although somewhat arrogant protagonist that holds the perspective. Our sympathies are supposed to be with her anyways.

The lines about comparing the situation to a one-night stand are the best the story, and I feel their impact is somewhat dulled by the surrounding prose. Three rapid-fire similes make it seem as if the author was brainstorming ideas when writing the paragraph but couldn't commit to just one.

Exposition a little rough. Needs to be tighter. More attention to details needed. You had space to work, one or two elongated descriptions would have went a long way.

Better than average work. Would come close to topping my hypothetical slate which it currently is not on but probably will be on come finals if it were a just a bit tighter and the scene composition was more straightforward.

Sorry if I sound a bit harsh on this one:

I can’t explain it, but when you’re a dad, sometimes you just know when something’s wrong with your kid.

Sounds cheesy and generic. Like something you quoted verbatim from books instead of something you experienced. If it's seat-of-the-pants, then it doesn't come across as it should.

Hmmpf. He remembers his wife because of her cooking? Come on! That's a bit of pigeonholing, no?

I mean the characters here are very stereotypical. Dad is a dumb construction worker. Son is a boy wonder. Mum was a good cook. Not precisely subtle in the characters' choice.

So yeah, this has a sort of sappy appeal because of dead mother and caboodle, but to me it comes across as a collection of stock cliches.

I have little to add to what hasn't already been said. If your idea was to tackle the inclination some people have to doctor their results to please the people who fund their research, you're bang on. But the story's arc is somewhat awkward and the general mishandling of grammar/typography compounds that impression.

As others say, don't let yourself feel discouraged or downbeat. Continue stubbornly, and in a few rounds I'm sure you'll be able to catch up with the pack.

Good luck!

>>Haze
>>Not_A_Hat
>>Monokeras


All right you chumps, now you've gone and done it. I'm gonna have to write a second opinion. A lot of people have been inevitably comparing this to the story "The Burden She Bore", which makes sense because the both use the same basic framework, but I think this story does the same shtick but better in two big ways:

1. It is not direct, preachy, or proselytizing. Whoever wrote this gets what it is like to be a father, but also remembers what it is like to be a child. The interactions between the two lead characters are genuine interactions without the need of an artifice or a cloyingly sweet interaction to sell that. The moment where the son remarks, "Let's not stretch things" to banter with his father is a more legitimate father-son interaction than I've seen in a mountain of write-off stories.

2. The details (by that I don't just mean description, I mean actions that communicate character) here are frankly better. >>Haze mentions not getting the point of a small (yet important!) detail of the mud. I am being straight-faced with no pretentious hyperbole here when I say the mud is a very important metaphor, while somehow also doing double duty as being a character-establishing detail. What the mud on the hand communicates immediately about the father is that he is a rustic, homey sort of man who is a bit messy and easy-going all without a single line of expository information . On the other hand, the mud is also representative of the situation itself.

3. It's a story about a father which I am a sucker for.

Here I am going to sound like a jackass. The mud is symbolic of the dead mother, or rather, the father's grief of losing her. It's something that's caked to the father, a detail that is uncomfortably and passively lingering underneath the surface. It's something that's brushed off in small amounts, not all at once.

That's dealing with grief. You don't grieve all at once and get over it. It sticks to you, and you cast a little bit off of it from you little by little. At the end, the father lets a little more of that grieve out while simultaneously casting out more mud. His hands still aren't clean, but there's less mud.

I disagree with >>Ranmilia that there is no narrative arc. There is one. It is very small-scale, but it is definitely present. As I've mentioned, both characters are dealing with grief, but they are contextualizing it differently. The son ultimately wants to vocalize his feelings about his lost mother, but as kids (and adults) can be with discussing emotions, the topic is difficult to broach directly. So the boy uses the topic of parallel universes that he's presumably read in the comic book as a vehicle to discuss it. If you want me to directly state what the arc is, it's very much that there is an undercurrent of a problem (i.e. the presumably dead mother) that both characters are still dealing with, but neither of which can vocalize, and they have a small moment where they assuage a little bit of that grief together.

And what is nice about this is that it doesn't resolve things completely, and it doesn't overindulge the moment. The kid doesn't say something completely on the nose like, "I wish I was in the universe mom was still here" or something overtly direct because that wouldn't make sense with how things were established. He's still struggling to deal with that emotion, so he mentions a tertiary detail he fondly remembers about her, the chocolate cake. The mom is still (assumed) dead, and that still sucks. But things are getting better. They are dealing with that emotion. They together as father and son are moving forward.

There's an essay to be written here about the significance of this opening up in the context of the story particularly because of the traditionally masculine father and decidedly feminine mother that is established, and the general stereotype that men have difficulty with emotional communication with other men, especially their fathers but I'm not really going to get into all that business other than to mention that it drives up the significance of the interaction.

>>Monokeras

See above spoiler paragraph about why we have the gruff and tumble father with the more soft-spoken and intellectual boy.It's not sad because the mother is dead. The story is sad because two people miss her.

Also you smell like excess cologne.

>>Ranmilia

So what does this re-contextualize? The emotionality of the characters. When Jason first mentions the chocolate cake, there are two interesting factors at work:

1. There's no indication to his inflection. He's basically stating a fact. He makes the remark as if nothing is bothering him. Jason continues this trend right up until the line about his wanting his mother's chocolate cake again.

2. The dad checks in, wondering if Jason is feeling moody about his mother, but he doesn't know how to talk about it either. Jason continues for more lines to act as if nothing is amiss. Dad has made a lot of allusions to his wife being dead, but he never seems to dwell on his grief, and he himself is struggling to communicate. That is, until Jason makes his comment about wanting the cake.

What is "revealed" is that both these characters are still very much affected by the death of the mother, but they just struggle to talk about it openly, only letting it slip through in these little moments.

Who cares about the mom? This story isn't about her, you guys. If it were, it'd be titled: "My Dead Mom: an Adventure in Alternative Realities." It's a father and son story.

>>Cassius
"There's a moral here that has somewhat fallen out of favor in today's blithely positive society that shuns personal improvement and accountability."

I see. So spending years of your life becoming a brilliant physicist who does something truly, incredibly amazing doesn't involve any personal improvement or accountability. Good to know!

I think this is maybe another one of Horizon's examples where pieces of the story run completely counter what the author is trying to do. This whole story I found the 'pauper' character to be far more interesting, vibrant, and even happy than the 'princess' character, details about smell aside (because uh... a geeky t-shirt and frizzy hair are not exactly killer character flaws). I think there's an interesting story here, but it's actually the opposite of the one the author seems to be wanting to tell. Because from my perception of the interactions, the Princess is the one who seems kind of miserable and misanthropic; it feels like all the things she's doing to 'improve herself' and 'fit in' aren't making her a particularly fulfilled or satisfied person, they're just pushing her into the box that society expects her to conform to. Even in the little details--I have no doubt economics can be fascinating and fulfilling but without any further context it really feels like the major you pick for utility rather than interest. And 'this is why boys aren't interested in us' sounds like a super misguided way to frame your life around the wrong things.

So this is a story I wish was told from the Pauper's perspective, yes. And I also wish she'd tell the Princess to go fuck off, and instead have an awesome science adventure with people willing to value her for being herself.

(Given the minor points I cite, I am not totally convinced that the author wasn't trying to sneak in the message that the Princess is in the wrong, but if so, I don't think it came through exactly clearly enough. In a writeoff I think clarity is more important than subtlety)

Well the impression I get, besides the reasoning about infinite parallel universes leading to certainty, is that Luke has given up somehow, and he stands there waiting for a miracle to happen, but instead the die rolls away to the same side. So the guy with the tacky Hawaiian T-Shirt always appears then disappears.

What is Luke exactly waiting for? I mean, he has a ticket and waits to be called? He has no ticket and just comes over here to witness the way the thing goes? That's unclear.

The idea potentially is a good one, it's a bit of a bummer the execution does not serve it fully.

>>Ferd Threstle

I see. So spending years of your life becoming a brilliant physicist who does something truly, incredibly amazing doesn't involve any personal improvement or accountability. Good to know!

You're putting words in my mouth.

Forgive my irritation, but you seem to be deliberately missing the point by bringing up something that is completely outside the issue. She is a physicist who is miserable and lonely because she fails to take care of herself and puts all her passion into a project to make herself the emotional baggage of another person. Her occupation and accomplishments as a physicist are not the topic of criticism, as I'm sure you're well aware, but her behavior of persistent escapism and refusal to acknowledge her own social shortcomings. Her plot essentially boils down to: "Well if nobody likes me, I'm going to open up a portal to another dimension where I'll meet another me, and that me will like me." As the Princess notes, that is a crazy plot. She is fleeing her fears rather than deal with them. If she wants people to like her, she is going to have to try and improve her social skills and take responsibility for making a positive impression instead of expecting people to accept her carte blanche. As the Princess herself demonstrates by virtue of existing, it is certainly possible for the Pauper to do this if she puts in the effort to .

Hmmm. I am of two minds here. First of all, I acknowledge the original angle and a good prose. On the other hand, I don't see much of an arc or conflict here, and all that you put in the mouth of the goddess seems more a pretext to give us a quick overview of Norse mythology than a real story. Plethora of names, concepts, etc. It could be like a Norse mythology primer.

I won't hide I wasn't really enthralled by the reading. It is a sturdily built story, but it lacks somehow the audacity to reach higher than the purgatory it so well describes.

Nothing much to add to the others already said. I don't wish to pile on. And dream within a dream is at least as old as Poe, no?

Eesh, perilous waters here. What to say, what to say. This is a very sociopolitically charged speech disguised as a story. Unfortunately I'm not sure the meat of the piece backs the assertions it's trying to make, either factually or tonally, and so for me it falls flat. Essentially what >>Ferd Threstle said. The piece rests on the assertion that the Pauper has all of these supposed flaws and shortcomings, but they aren't actually shown in the text, just asserted and nodded to, so... ehn.

Romantic histories in real life are often complicated and hard to sum up - but just because they can't easily be shown isn't a license for authors to skip straight to "telling" and using them as purely informed shortcuts for characterization to save space in minis. Just in what I've read of this round, that's been a major issue in this piece, Roy's Diner, Optimism, and arguably also in First Sight and Cheap Easy Portalfare.

No need to get all acrimonious though. Thanks for writing!

Neat piece here. I can certainly see how it would be confusing, but didn't have trouble following it myself. >>AndrewRogue and I have the same read on it. I liked the implication that the wife set up this situation using the same logic the husband does. I might be reading into the piece a bit, but I think even the suggestion works to emphasize the closeness of their relationship.

The downside here is that once the gimmick is successfully communicated, and the reader's looking past that, the piece isn't very emotionally compelling. (At least, not to me, and the other comments all mention similar sentiments.) Going click click click through a featureless hallway just doesn't do much for me with this presentation. It's a life or death situation, but there isn't much sense of drama.

I think the protagonist's nihilism is largely responsible for that. Right from the start, he's completely dismissed the doctor, isn't listening, obviously doesn't believe life in a sim is worth anything, and never seriously considers any other course of action. That last bit is a killer, the ending has no tension because the piece never seriously suggests that he might consider the sim as an option. He's never conflicted, and thus, the story arc lacks conflict.

Also, maudlin minis about justifying or exploring reasons for suicide are suuuuuuuuper duper played out as a Writeoff motif. It's like the Sad Sunbutt of Original Mini. Of course, there's no way to know if this author was aware of that or not, it might well be their first round here, but unfortunately the overplayed genre colors my reaction to the piece nonetheless. I really wish the piece had concentrated more on the sim aspect, since that's what sets this apart from any number of other psychopomp stories.

Pacing and prose are good, though, and as mentioned I did like some of the subtler characterization devices. You're on the right path, author. Work on more explicit characterization and a punchier take on themes, don't be afraid to take a few more risks, and you'll go far. Thanks for writing!

>>Fenton
>>Monokeras
Listen to the wisdom of the Frenchmen. They know what's up here.

It's a nice character piece, but there isn't enough story going on to elevate it above mid-tier "that happened" territory. As with some other entries this round (and every round, to be honest, but see >>Ranmilia in particular) there's an overreliance on infodumping offscreen events and talking about them, rather than actually having interesting things happen in the story at hand.

The characters and their friendship do resonate pretty well with me, though, and I get the feeling that was the primary aim, so well done there. Thanks for writing!

>>AndrewRogue
These are my thoughts nearly word for word.

Pretty clearly a low experience entry, but certainly not a bad one. I could follow this easily, despite the weak arc and shaky technical execution, and wasn't turned off. Keep at it, and thanks for writing!

>>Ranmilia
😜

I'd bet this is Dubs's story

Okay. But why'd the protagonist need the gun? I really want to write "Thanks for writing!" and end there, because the other comments hit all the obvious points, but let's see.

Is this really the strangest thing the magic backpack has ever provided? Did the protagonist not forsee something like this as a possibility when purchasing? Why so much fuss about a simple Beretta? (Guns mean different things to different cultures, but Arizona State University, USA is specified here. That's right in the heartland of American gun culture. Most people in Arizona have probably learned firearm safety and fired a gun at some point in their lives.) Is it even loaded? What eventually happens?

These are all things I would have liked to see answered, instead of the Laius stuff. I realize the author was probably intending to center the piece on the backpack, and the whole philosophical fate avoidance thing, but, well, that just isn't very compelling compared to the immediate realities of the gun and the life of the character holding it. It's hard to step back from a concept once you've started writing, but sometimes it's worthwhile to step back and think "am I really approaching this from the most interesting direction? Do I have a strong story arc?"

The writing's vivid enough, and the author clearly has technical chops. Probably enough to take this reasonably high in the "concept but not quite a story" tier. Just apply a bit of work on direction, and we'll be in there. Thanks for writing!

>>Ranmilia

I just noticed that "Arizona State University" is USA backwards. COINCIDENCE? I THINK NOT.

>>horizon
>>Monokeras
See these for my feelings. This is... well, it's pretty and atmospheric, but I struggle to call it a story. It's primarily an exposition dump, and the setting being exposed isn't even original. The second person voice is, I think, better executed than last round's example... but why? What purpose does it serve? Second person is usually angled at getting the reader into the addressed protagonist's headspace, but there's so little presented about who we are and what we're doing here that I couldn't achieve that insertion.

I do not blame you for your mood at hearing the name. I care not for this place myself, but it is not my fate to be anywhere but here. Nor is it yours, I'm sorry to say.

This line here in particular sent danger signals to me. Stripping both active characters of agency (and so early in the story!) is like a big neon sign shouting "you can stop caring now, because these characters aren't going to do anything interesting!" And they don't. (I imagine some people would reply to that with "but Ran, do characters need to 'do something' for a piece to be good?" My answer would be yes, they do.)

I didn't particularly mind the ending, but the same question rises again: why? Why female Hel? Why the leprosy angle? What's the significance, what am I supposed to take away? This is clearly a bottom-up story design, but those still need to build to some overall theme. I'd really like to find some vision or purpose going on in this piece (beyond "pretty and evocative for the sake of being pretty and evocative") but try as I might, none seems forthcoming.

It's pretty, though. Definitely playing to the atmosphere and emotion fans, and not really even trying to be a story. The particular ambitions here are not quite what I'm looking for to score above midtier, but well done on getting close to where I think you were aiming for. Thanks for writing!

Yeah, I have, indeed, read stuff along these lines before.

Props for ambition and a creative take on the prompt! I reviewed another second person piece, Walking with a Goddess, right before this one, and noted there that second person voice is good for directly engaging the reader. This here is the sort of use I was talking about! Great stuff. Drew me in immediately, even though I was feeling pushed away by the text.

The push away is a problem, though. Ironic and edgy it may be, it doesn't put the reader into a good headspace for enjoying what comes afterwards. Is the ironic flavor really worth the risk of poisoning the well before you've even started?

As to the actual material... ehn, fairly basic presentation. It overshot the typical parallel universe yard, but landed in the well manicured Forbidden Knowledge yard across the street. A creepypasta format is better than no format, but I still would have preferred some sort of stronger framing device to obscure the feeling of "I had a cool idea, here let me directly tell you about it" that pervades so many rushed minis.

I also noticed frequent use of hypotheticals: "maybe" this, "perhaps" that, "maybe it's because of this". I'd advise trying to avoid those, especially in creepypasta/horror work. That might seem contradictory, given that one of the principles of good horror is to leave some ambiguity, but the reader needs to come to the ambiguity on their own. When the author/narrative voice of a piece outright says "maybe X," it tends to mean "X is true but weakly presented" in people's minds, until and unless X is directly contradicted. So whenever you're tempted to use "maybe" or "perhaps," try and find a way to do it differently: metaphor, suggestion, parallel meanings, get creative!

I'll have to think about where exactly to rank this one. There's a narrative arc, but it's on a different axis than most... probably slightly above average, low top third somewhere, for me. Very unique angle, some holes, but also some very strong technique on the second person and a good fit to the mini format. Yeah, sounds about right. Thanks for writing!

But too bad you just lost The Game...

So I already rambled some about the multiple repeated vignette format: >>Ranmilia

This piece executes the form better than First Sight, thanks to having more development for each subsection, solid jokes building a comedy foundation, and (most importantly) a strong frame device pulling the subsections together into a whole. However, the drawbacks of the form still apply. The subsections themselves are not important, and could be expanded or contracted without affecting the essence of the story. Four, as the other comments note, might be one of the worst numbers of subsections to choose to include, because it passes up the processing patterns available at three and to a lesser extent at five.

The jokes themselves are fine, not gut busting, but not bad. I chuckled here and there and walked away from the end smiling.

Overall a bit on the stock side, and not a great use of the mini format, but a solid effort that I didn't dislike. Thanks for writing!

It's probably vague enough to count as parallel (universes) evolution, but dang does this happen to run close to the No Fanfiction rule. Good show though.

Hello, yes, I have an urban fantasy bias similar to >>horizon and therefore guiltily enjoyed reading this. The prose is quite strong, dialogue feels natural, character interactions are great and they're the focus of the piece so that's fantastic.

However, the narrative arc is weak and it's not a great fit to the mini format overall. What can we say the main conflict here is? Whether or not Gavin will land the girl without embarrassing himself? A. That's a little chauvinistic, don't you think, presenting dating in such a one sided way? and B. Is there ever any doubt? The worst thing he does is assuming her profession, which is a small faux pas that isn't even explained to the reader as being awkward until after it's come and gone. Definitely feels like an intro, not a complete story.

>>Monokeras also comes in and drops the hammer on the content. As he says, this is super easy low stakes writing mode. It aims to please and not much more. The middle section, full of 40k filler fluff, exemplifies what we're talking about.

Overall execution level is high, though. Quite high. Augh, where do I put a piece like this? Considering how few I have left and how the round's shaped up so far... somewhere in top 10. Definitely flawed, not #1, but the fundamentals are a big plus, and since voting is all head to head comparisons I can't claim to be unbiased. Thanks for writing!

I'm glad >>AndrewRogue offered his interpretation, because my interpretation of the story (which the text also seems to support, though not as cleanly) was that they had both been fatally injured and that the man was posthumously being given control over his dying wife's fate, which is creepier, in not a good way.

I'm still struggling to follow the story's logic, though:

I think for a moment. "You can ask her, can’t you? Put her in a sim, ask her there, switch her off if she refuses?"

"We, ah, could, yes. But I’m afraid that would involve informing her that she is, in fact, in a sim, the knowledge of which we wouldn’t be able to, ah, redact, so to speak." The man licks his lips, words dancing on the edge of something.

... So they have an ethical issue with informing simulated people of their sim-ness ... which we learn by them bringing up the concept of simulation to a simulated being, in a way that causes him to realize he's simulated? :P

I mean, ultimately, he doesn't have a problem with it (as he says next line), so it ends up being a somewhat gentle prod into the concept, and it ends up working out. But if it's being up in the context of consent being a concern, it's also being brought up in such a way as to blow through to the topic before consent is obtained.

Honestly, the more I think about this, the more the fridge logic is gnawing at me. What sort of simulation is this where the simulated individual is "the only, ah, real person in the world, hmm"? Is this set in a parallel Earth where they've created insanely powerful computers but have never heard of the Internet? Surely any simulated reality constructible via modern technical principles would have some sort of interconnection capabilities.

"How long now?"

The man in the white coat – if he is, in fact, a man – stares off into space, his eyes distance, listening for something. To something. "Two or three minutes, give or take."

Why is the man being asked if he wants to remain in the sim if death is two minutes out no matter what he does? And why, if they have the capability to indefinitely extend his life, is he not being given the ability to schedule his own death? Putting a deadline on this is extremely disorienting, regardless of which scenario above is true.

I do have to give the story credit: it does seem to hold up under its own internal logic. I'm just left wondering how that internal logic would work in the real world, and awfully dissatisfied with the answer. That seems like a different class of problem from the issues I've been complaining about with most of the other stories.

I do also, in the abstract, like how the style here (the abstract, clipped feeling of the sparse prose and short sentences) supports the tone of the piece. It does give it something of a haunting feel. That's a bit of a two-edged sword; it makes it harder to connect emotionally with the piece's core thrust, as well (as other readers have noted). Still, despite all my complaints, I think this at least meets its storytelling goals, so while I'm not particularly satisfied with my read, I'm going to bump it up my slate accordingly.

Tier: Strong

Truth be told, I didn't read any of the above reviews because holy god are they long. However, I did CTRL-F for the word "title." No results. So, in order to be the least helpful person in the comment thread, I figure I should inform you, the author, the importance of making sure your title capitalization is correct. Now, this could be a situation where the author is knowingly disregarding the rules of proper title capitalization, but even if that is the case, I think it is a poor idea. When I first see the glorious write-off gallery at 7:05AM Central Standard Time, I always take note of which stories interest me the most based on their titles, but I also habitually scan the titles for mistakes, because there is always someone who fails to render their title correctly. Wrong capitalization is a kiss of death for my first impressions in any given story, and I always feel, "Wow if the author didn't capitalize the title right, what hope is there for the story?"

I also frequently yell at Mono to confirm that the improperly capitalized story isn't his, because he has made that mistake several times. Spare the Frenchman this agony by capitalizing your stories correctly.

So now that I've rambled on something that's probably of no interest to anyone, what did I think of the story proper?

Well, it builds to a punchline, and a pretty decent one at that, which is the contrast of all this fantastical magical shit that it is going on, the dean is more interested something that is completely mundane. I think it takes a bit too much time to get there, and as a result, the focus shifts from setting up a joke to relaying a story that the reader doesn't get to see, only hear about.

at this point Cassius goes back and reads other reviews to see if anyone mentions this punchline

Huh... Well author, tell me if I'm getting the right read here, because if so I guess the joke just went everyone's head... That seems unlikely. Perhaps it is because I am of a different demeanor from >>Ranmilia, >>horizon, and >>Trick_Question that I just sort of had my eyes glaze over a lot of these fantastical details as >>Not_A_Hat mentions in his audio review. I'm more a "big picture" kind of guy.

If this is played completely straight, I can't say it is particularly interesting as is. It simply doesn't function as a 750 word story. It's like reading a news report in the form of dialogue. Very expository, with very long paragraphs of dialogue informing the reader of events that already transpired in a pretty straightforward manner. Puts me to sleep. I do appreciate the small details the author works into the prose in order to establish character with the protagonist as a reprobate. It gives a little bit of flavor to what would otherwise be a pretty boring scene.

Hm, there were a lot of comments about the prose here, but I didn't really think of it as too standout. Sorry! There are some good lines, and as I said, the narrative voice that establishes characterization does do wonders for the overall story, but dialogue mostly crowds out description here, and I'm not really left with much prose to mull over and think about. You're pretty much maxed on the word limit, and while I would have preferred a more balanced story in terms of dialogue vs. description, I think you were stuck in between a rock and a hard place here, since you chose a story in which you had to explain a ton of details.

I can't say I was as bothered by the lack of internal congruence of the characterization of the setting as the others, although I do think some details, particularly the comment about the mind reader, do detract from the piece and really indicate that the author probably needed to chill out with how many fantastical things they were throwing in the story. Kind of like fantasy sci-fi gumbo.

I think the end saves the story for me.

Honestly, I feel like the prompt connection is the weakest part of this. It doesn't really build on the strong character drama established by the opening; I reached that part and thought, "Welp, this is where the story tries to show how it's meeting this round's prompt." The ending is an admirable attempt to square that circle, and does make a strong point, but I was kind of checked out of my reading by then.

No other critique that above commenters haven't covered. This does meet its goals, and on the basis of all its pieces fitting together better than anything else I've read so far, is probably going to end up high in my slate despite my indifference to its second half. Good job!

Tier: Strong

I might come back and review this thing in its entirety, but I feel this story is sadly underappreciated both for its technical chops and premise, and while it doesn't undergo the most interesting arc that it could have, it still blows a lot of the competition out of the water in terms of presentation.

>>Ranmilia
* ARE WE POSTING HOT "PICS???" HERE IS ME AND MY COOL FRIEND

* (It's a picture of Poorly Disguised Alt flexing in front of a mirror.)
* (His muscles also have moustache glasses.)

Well, since I'm showing up in this thread for the first time ever, I should offer a review.

This is certainly amusing random escalation comedy, and meets its goals. Good job! Though I've got to say, personally speaking, up until the punchline this feels almost more like existential horror than comedy -- the first escalation takes this beyond harassment into straight-up stalking, and takes off from there; it's basically some sort of ultimate nightmare scenario for anyone (especially a woman) who has undergone this sort of online harassment.

The refuge in exaggeration serves you well here, since this is so over-the-top it manages to be funny regardless, but I can't escape a little cognitive dissonance from the fact that Alex is so amazingly insistent to be proven right that he breaks reality itself, and yet his apparent goal is to have an actual conversation. Consider making the build-up to the final twist a scene of Alex gloating rather than a mutual exchange -- especially since your punchline relies on him being a cardboard-cutout mansplainer.

>>Dubs_Rewatcher

but really, you don't need that "So when she read them all across the top..." line

Disagree. See: the endless regrets about trying to be subtle in the Writeoffs.

Tier: Strong

With the winning prompt being a gaming meme, I had some high hopes for what this title could be riffing on. Alas, twas not to be...

Litfic, take three! >>Cassius is along the lines I'm going in here. Experienced author, good writing chops, can spin a word, and all that jazz. But what about the story arc?

Unfortunately, when it comes to storytelling and elements I'm looking for in Writeoffs, this is not on the level of the other two dramatic emotional litfics I've read this round (Pickup Trucks and Burden). I was already dinging those two for barely having narrative arcs, and this goes a few levels beyond "barely." If you squint hard, you can read some narrative arcs into it, but for me they just aren't there on the page.

This is not a story, or even a vignette, it's an essay. An evocative essay, to be sure! But not a story, not reasonably or discernably based on the round prompt, and honestly, not even unambiguously fictional. Because of these factors, I'm going to have to rank it below everything that is a story written to the prompt and following the competition rules.

As always when this sort of thing happens, please do not take my vote as an indication of any ill will, hurt feelings, or condemnation of the author or their work, or representative of anything but my own opinion! It's a very nice piece, and I certainly don't believe it was submitted with any but the best of intentions. It's just drifted a ways across the line of what I can consider fair to judge alongside other entries, under my interpretation of the rules. Other people will certainly have their own interpretations (in particular, I am interpreting "fiction" in the ruleset to mean "narrative prose fiction") and that's fine.

With that out of the way, some comments on the content. The dog metaphor seems a little strained to me. The opening talks about a capability to support a certain number, and other passages allude to some sort of system for managing dogfears, but as the piece proceeds these concepts get dropped. By the end, the dog metaphor seems to have been thoroughly overtaken by "don't look down." Given how separate the first fear is from the others, I wonder if it might not have been better to drop the dog aspect entirely and instead structure the piece around flight/falling/height metaphors.

As others have noted, the third fear is not very well described. I very much liked the second fear's presentation of what, precisely the writer was afraid of (being ignored/forgotten), and so I expected a similar climax for the third fear, but received an anticlimax instead. That's disappointing, because it isn't very difficult to figure out some possibilities (rejection, embarrassment, exposure) and the more specific they are, the more doors they would open to land some grand slam wordplay.

Also, the specific nature of the fears can make the piece hard to relate to. I'm not sure if this is a flaw so much as an unavoidable consequence, but I think it could be mitigated more than it currently is, and the piece made more accessible overall, if the effects of the fears on the writer were more clearly outlined. Why is it a problem if the first fear "whines," what does that mean, how does it change their life and mentality? Again, the third fear especially could benefit from some more concrete illustration in this regard.

Even if I did squint and not pseudo-DQ-vote this, I'm afraid it wouldn't rise to the absolute top for me, because I value strong narrative construction over emotionally evocative language in general. But that's me, and clearly this is pleasing many other readers. Thank you for writing, author! Turn your talents to constructing narratives (and meeting prompts) as well as you construct prose, and you'll win me over with ease! (I mean, you're probably already a regular and know that, but anyway, <3)

aw man, an innocent man got convicted.
I mean, I assume he's innocent, because the ending happened. but could just be a coincidence. demonstrating that it's possible doesn't mean he's innocent.
however, the defense doesn't have to prove he's innocent, but the prosecution has to prove he's guilty beyond reasonable doubt. unless this is playing by crazy Phoenix Wright rules, but at least in that world you're rooting for the underdog.

I think this is pretending to be a comedy, but went so far into anti-humor for the "subversive" punchline that it actually feels like a tragedy in logic and tone. nobody was wrong, turns out they were both right about the parallel universes, but none of it matters and a bad result happened all because one guy was late. ehhh. bummer.

Nothing to add to the above, so I'll make a few concrete suggestions that might help you with cleaning up your prose:

"This doesn't look too promising." the voice of the chairman sounded from across the room.

"No it doesn't, our results seem rather conclusive." he turned from the projected image displaying the results from the last two years of experiments.

Typically, when "he" or "she" is used without any context, it is meant to refer to the previous character of that gender that has been introduced. When I first read your opening, I was confused as to why the chairman was answering his own question.

I would strongly suggest naming the protagonist. I don't think your story gains anything from leaving him a blank slate which is important enough to justify the pronoun confusion that litters the text.

"I agree," the secretary said turning a few pages in her copy of the report. "This simply will not do."

The secretary has an oddly major role in this story. Typically the duty of an organization's secretary is to be the individual who makes certain all of the discussion is documented. (The term "secretary" is overloaded in politics, because the "Secretary of State" etc. are political offices in charge of departments, but in a corporate context a secretary is a stenographic job.)

"You will write the report as per our instructions..." the secretary said. "Or we will find someone who will. Perhaps that assistant that you keep asking us to fire." she smirked.

This definitely should not be the end of your story. This is the line which introduces the conflict -- our unnamed protagonist now is faced with a choice, and dealing with the consequences of his decision!

What happens next? That should be the story you tell. Three-act structure is definitely not the only way to write a story, but it's a very common one, and for many stories it's a good model to follow.

Here -- where you're very specifically introducing a conflict -- the reason everyone above is saying that the ending feels hollow is that you're using this very well-established model and cutting it off at the end of the first act. We've all been conditioned (by the thousands upon thousands of stories that we've been told) to expect that, when a conflict is introduced, we will also follow the character through their choices and the resolution. I'd recommend doing some basic reading on that story structure and seeing where it suggests to you that your story should go.

Author, I hope you pick this back up, do some editing, and add more to the end so that you can get a complete (three-act) story out of it. It'll be a much more compelling tale in its second version, and it'll be great practice in advance for the short-story rounds (where you get more words to play with). Thanks for writing, and I hope to see how you grow from here!

Tier: Needs Work

>>Ranmilia
I'm afraid you've been misled, Frenchmen don't speak wisdom, they speak love.
"La beauté sibylline d'une grâce angélique"

a science fiction story where it turns out the science doesn't work, so nothing happens, and everyone goes to bed. the end.

I mean the idea isn't bad. following the scientists testing the device and coming to this conclusion could've been fun. exploring the ramifications of why they keep this knowledge secret could've been thought-provoking. but standing around explaining how it works was dull.

Fenton lit what was probably his ninth cigarette of the day

You'd have a better count by doubling it.

Also, I'm surprised no one has already said it, so I guess I have to:
I ship it.

Oh. I still had this one in queue. Uh... don't actually have a lot to offer here. Just a solidly executed, sweet little slice of life.

Another comedy that I bounced off of. I mean, I can't help but feel that for these jokes to work, there needs to be some kind of reason behind swapping out random letters in their names and having the nukes be filled with food. IMO, there needs to be some kind of contrast in effective comedy. Off-beat characters need straight-men, and dumb puns need a connection between the two words. Without anything to ground the craziness, the story went straight past "ridiculous" and far into "aimlessly random" territory for me. Which may have been your goal all along, I guess, but it definitely hurts my enjoyment of the piece.

See the aboves for some very good thoughts re: structure and plot issues.

I do have something else to address here... that prompt drop is really, really, really bad. There are two big problems with it, the first being that it really draws attention to what I feel is relatively tenuous prompt connection. Now, after being in the WO for so many rounds? I've made my peace with tenuous prompt connections. I do it too. But actively calling attention to it is not a very good idea, in my opinion.

More importantly, the line really just kinda thuds into place, particularly because we do not actually talk about parallel univereses. I get that scarsnatchers may have some affiliation with them, but that, in and of itself, is not talking about parallel universes. If I said, "Let's talk about lizards" and proceeded to discuss cricket breeding, I think the listener would feel put out. Cricket breeding is related to lizard keeping, admittedly, but it is not really a "lizard" subject.

Real talk, this was a little frustrating for me to read, because the pacing is seriously unbalanced. The story spends more than 600 words circling around the reveal, and the entire time I didn't feel like I was being given any important information or clues. The time spent describing the function of the device does not feel like unpeeling the layers of a mystery, because the reader needs to know this information to even know what the mystery is. Without context, I was not intrigued by the lack of information; I was stuck waiting for the story to get to the point. And then, five lines from the bottom, the story just drops the reveal. And the reveal is: nothing that you just read about actually matters. I'm afraid that it was very hard for me to come away from this one feeling satisfied.

You ever spend $5,000 on a backpack? I have. Worth every penny.

OH GODS SOMEONE FINALLY UNDERSTANDS MY BACKCOUNTRY HIKING OBSESSION--

It’s also the local anchor point for a semi-sentient, multi-dimensional wormhole...

... oh

Hot damn, this is a fantastic hook though. Only two-thirds through my initial slate but I'm confident I won't read a better one this round.

And after reading through, this is rocketing to the top of my slate and I suspect it will be hard to dislodge. Well done, author!

That's not to say that this story doesn't have its flaws. The digression into the titular king, for example, cuts away from the immediate and gripping problem in a way that feels far too abstract and distant. The tension of the story comes from the narrator's panic about the consequences of the gun. Him stopping to explain the analogy undercuts that tension significantly. Consider reframing that section explicitly as the narrator's attempt to distract himself from the problem at hand -- and have it come up naturally in the context of thinking about ways to circumvent whatever the gun will be useful for, rather than out of nowhere. (i.e., have it follow the analysis begun beneath it.)

I do feel like I have to comment, as well, on the "not quite a story" complaint that >>Ranmilia offers. I just passed my three-year Writeoffversary, and after extensive study of the minific format I would like to offer a modest opinion that you are wrong forever and all your opinions are invalid at this wordcount length, using "is this a complete story with a full narrative arc?" as one of your primary metrics for minific ranking is an exercise doomed to frustration [1]. I think there's a lot of babies that get thrown out in that bathwater.

I've talked a lot in previous rounds about splitting entries into three loose classes: stories, scenes that want to be stories, and scenes that want to be scenes.

My personal ranking of Writeoff minifics is based on what impression the entry leaves as a standalone reading experience, arc or no. If an entry introduces and resolves an arc, it's great that the author managed to complete a full story in 750 words, but at that length resolving a narrative arc is basically the only thing you can do well. (See e.g. medalist Cold Comfort, whose exposition and characterization were slashed to the bone to squeeze into 750.)

Stories can be great for reasons that don't have anything to do with their arcs, and if a minific spends its words on those other factors, the arc is necessarily gonna be shortchanged (and vice versa). If a poor narrative arc is a dealbreaker for you, it's perfectly legitimate to vote accordingly -- but I would suggest that minifics just aren't ever going to make you happy and you might want to save yourself the ongoing disappointment. (I've largely stepped away from minifics myself; I'm mostly doing deep reviews this round out of guilt that I didn't do so in the short-story rounds last month.)

Other entries abandon the idea of exploring an arc in favor of exploring a moment in time, and exploring the emotional resonance of that moment -- this is what I mean by "scenes that want to be scenes". There's no ambition of giving you a three-act conflict, because that's not the punch they're throwing. I think the most famous, and well-realized, of these moment-stories would be Cold in Gardez's "Lost Cities", which started life as a Writeoff minific. ("The Red Forest" was my own experiment in the genre, though with a specific message grounded in a real-world context, and probably one of the OF minifics I'm proudest of: among other things, it's quite possibly the first medalist under 500 words.) And then there are the experiments: If we grade primarily on narrative arc, where does that leave acclaimed stories like the runaway gold-medalist 4th District Court, Canterlot, 11:35 a.m.?

(n.b.: I was looking for more examples, including other people's medalists, but there's something weird about the scoreboard story listings and I just filed a bug report on the Writeoff github)

If a minific provides a self-contained reading experience which makes me feel things, I think it has done its job as a (complete) story -- completed narrative arc or not.

That said, this fic does somewhat straddle the line of "self-contained", in that it's sort of have-cake-and-eat-it-too-ing with the gun bit. (That was >>AndrewRogue's bait-and-switch complaint.) I want to know more about what happens! (If the story is otherwise strong, which it is, then that's a pretty good problem to have.)

I disagree that it's a dealbreaker problem like Andrew makes it out to be, because as good as the MICE advice is, I think the problem isn't a MICE issue. The gun thing establishes tension, and the core of the story is about exploring that tension, which is fundamentally a Character core; the first scene is there to set the hook and all of the story's meat comes after the wham line which ends it. That said, I think there is a sense of gear-switching, if not the one he identifies: there's definitely some emotional gears which flip in scene two. First gear is tension and freak-out. Second gear is the calm resignation with which the piece ends, and I don't think we really get to follow the narrator smoothly across that gap.

All that said, it's great to see some informed critiques on this story which which I can vehemently disagree with their wrongness engage in dialogue, and I'm excited that I've got a story on my slate which is both an entertaining read and robust enough to launch those debates.

Tier: Top Contender

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[1] However, I am 100% with you on the complaint that 750 words is insufficient to write robust stories with full narrative arcs, and I hope you will join in my longstanding crusade to get a minific round implemented with a 500-1000 word limit rather than 400-750. That allows enough breathing room to add depth to a story which manages to cram a narrative arc into 750, but isn't enough of an expansion that authors can afford to waste words. (Seeing what can be cut and what's essential is a really valuable skill that the minific rounds have taught me, but as a reader I feel like even winning stories from consistently strong authors feel too aggressively constrained.)

Hm. I saw the "twist" coming from the very first sentence, and didn't find anything in the fic all that funny. There isn't even a punchline—the ending is just as serious as everything that's come before it. And as >>Ranmilia noted, the Bibles stood out as a detail that never came into play again. I guess it's meant to be a comment on the religious nature of AA, but it's not subtle enough to work as just setting description, IMO.

I'm afraid I don't really understand what you're going for, here. The premise (and title) kind of style this piece as a comedy about bureaucracy gone wild, but honestly, the questions on the form actually seem pretty darn reasonable to me, as does the immigration officer's responses to the MC's questions. The only thing that seemed interesting enough to warrant some exploration was the whole "sentience license" bit, which naturally made me wonder what they do to people who don't have one. But unless I'm missing something huge, the story treats this potential conflict perfectly reasonably as well, before it quickly ends. I feel like I've just watched some guy's day at the office. I mean, I guess the point of the story could be that inter-dimensional travel will also have to deal with boring customs work, but that's just an idea. I don't feel like that could be a story in and of itself.

>>AndrewRogue

I meant to mention the prompt drop, I just forgot.

I'd rather see Pangelica's scarsnatcher hunt than just hear about it second-hand, after the fact.

I'd bet this is Mono's story

Honestly, I'd like to point you at my critique of King Laius (>>AndrewRogue) as most of what I said regarding the MICE quotient applies here too.

Long story short, you start telling us one story, but you swerve pretty hard into another story at the end, leading to a relatively unsatisfying feel. Honestly, Dell ends up looking like an asshole because we are just suddenly informed about this apparent dissatisfaction and choice to utterly abandon her GF out of the blue.

Establish the actual conflict you're aiming for early, and close it out. Don't do a long lead in on minis, there just isn't space.

I feel like this is a bit of a tonal misfire. As structured, this actually feels more like a comedy where an employee brings to his boss' attention that the new engineer is pretty obviously a demon from the pits of hell and the boss doesn't really care. It just seems too clearly evil, demonic magic at work here to read as a more serious action/drama piece. If you want things to be more serious, you either need to establish at the beginning that the protag has a reason to notice the evil way better than the boss, or you need to make the wrongness more subtle.

Also obligatory "turns out the black guy is evil!" here.

>>horizon nails it for me. Nothing to add, there.

Writer, we need to discuss universes side-by-side with ours.

Much of the excellence in this is embedded in the gimmick. Luckily for my voting, it's quite the gimmick. Writing text free of specific given symbols is no minor chore — doubled by keeping it well hidden before the twist, despite dodging one highly common letter! I do quite like the skill shown in it; it's definitely unique! But then, I've long been supportive of experiments in the Writeoffs. This extends the string of such stories ... admirably.

Tier: Strong

Well the core concept is good, but the form it is presented under is somewhat boring. I can't get away from the feeling that this is 100% infodump and nothing else.

The prose is good but I can't really say I was engaged. It read to me like, you know, a primer or a children version of a science book.

I acknowledge the prose and the idea, but the execution was a no-go for me.

This is a technically competent story, but not a very compelling one, for all the reasons that have already been pointed out. It relies on math that we can't see, and assertions about how parallel universes work that we can't do anything about, so... I'm just not sure what the takeaway here is supposed to be. "Things work like this, Tom gets his dream crushed, because the author says so. The end, no moral." That's the story, and it leaves me asking "Okay? But so what?"

There are some subtle suggestions of a conspiracy, and I found those the the most interesting part of the piece. As soon as Tom was invited into the office, I was thinking he would leave it either dead or convinced to cover up the truth because the device opens a hell dimension or something. Just about anything would be more interesting than the actual (non-)reveal that yes, it works, but it doesn't do anything.

Solid execution, good prose, reads well. Just needs a spark of life to give the reader a reason to care about what's being presented. See horizon for more detailed advice if you wanted to rework it into a conspiracy story! Thanks for writing!

So this whole piece is setup for one joke.
It's a good joke! I laughed!

Then I thought about it, and gosh, that was a mistake. See >>Haze for why. And also: how can you arrive late when traveling through space and time? A time traveler is never late. And also: any sort of questioning about what was going on with the crime, or how this was set up, or how this setting actually works.

It's a simple piece and I don't see a ton to go into otherwise. Good title, good setup, good landing, good fit to format, you got what you were going for, except the curtains aren't quite pulled all the way down and the audience can see into backstage. Looks like this is ending up right around average for me, a little above since I like the competent skeleton here. Thanks for writing!

What everyone else said. I don't get it. I can think of a few possible explanations, but they all feel like projecting and reading in things that don't really have textual support. Something about death... maybe? But also maybe time travel? There's a Matrix reference?

If this is about some sort of death choice, it unfortunately runs headlong into Memento doing the same idea in the same round but substantially better.

There's so little to go on, though. Give the readers information! Don't be afraid to be direct with your concepts! Name your characters!

Congrats on finishing an entry, though. It doesn't not make sense, it just doesn't make sense, if you get what I mean. Thanks for writing!

Re: the horizon megapost, I responded mainly in Discord; might put something in the general discussion thread later. I did want to note here, though, that it's a little odd that was sparked about this story, and that's my fault for being unclear in my initial comments on this and apparently coming off much more negatively than I actually felt.

When I say "not a story" I'm being slightly imprecise, there are actually several sublevels of that, and King Laius here is only a minor offender at most. Now that I've finished the entire field and am moving final votes around, this makes my top 5, so uh, don't think I didn't like it!

Sorry, you got lazy!Cassius this time around. Sorry for that. Sort of a muted comedy that manages stick the landing in the final note (although the initial misunderstanding is pretty weak). Alex is basically the comic book guy from The Simpsons as an inexplicable reality warper, which are two ideas together I feel are an acquired taste. Agree with,>>Dubs_Rewatcher, disagree with >>horizon, the pacing of the joke already is a bit drawn out so the subsequent line really feels like an insult to my intelligence and stifles the impact of the punchline. Some paragraphs, particularly the opener, have sleek construction, but the mid-section really gets bogged down. Average marks for this one.

Random observation:

I detach the camera probe from the underside of my wrist and feed it through the rift. Always good to be cautious. Wouldn’t want to stick your head through and suddenly get hit by a passing asteroid or something.

As I was reading, this paragraph really stuck out to me as a inane, pointless detail. It's not serving a comedic purpose or a thematic purpose, so I don't know why it's here. Others have mentioned that the fic feels like it has a lot of filler... lines like this, where you plainly describe the process of examining a universe (the mechanics of which aren't very interesting) don't help that problem.

Nice title, though.

The prose here needs a lot of work. And our Princess feels like a supreme jerk.

(no rhyme intended)

>>horizon

Disagree. See: the endless regrets about trying to be subtle in the Writeoffs.

Amen.

Hm.... I'm not exactly sure what some of the stuff in the first part are supposed to represent. I get the general gist (trictrics are viruses, the soldiers are immune cells), but I'm not 100% sure what the green liquid (snot?) or the buildings (tissue?) are supposed to represent. As for the story itself, it came across as a little bare-bones to me. Our two main characters feel a bit generic, and the rapid-fire dialogue/exposition/action doesn't quite mesh in a way that makes me all that invested. It's easy reading, and I think it definitely accomplishes its goals, but I had trouble with how thin it felt in a lot of places.

>>horizon
>>Foehn
There's a difference between being clear and being redundant.

Also: an issue in a story for the sake of the Writeoff is still an issue in a story. When I make my comments, I don't make them with the thought in mind that we should be making the story better for the Writeoff... this story will never be submitted in another Writeoff, so what's the point in editing them using Writeoff criteria?

wait, there was a joke in that line?

I don't get it.

>>Dubs_Rewatcher
To be clear, I was not commenting on your review; rather, I'm terrible at balancing subtlety when it comes to Write-offs. Normally over-do it, occasionally spectacularly under-do it. So, personally, I agree with the sentiment therein expressed; I've found it better to err on the side of bluntness.

Re. this story specifically; yeah, it's probably not necessary. That being said, I totally missed it the first time.

>>Cassius claims that this story is a bit of an acquired taste, and I must agree. Fortunately that taste is one I love.

This is a story that really just builds on itself nicely, taking a somewhat relatable bit of annoyance (many nerds have trash social skills) and takes it to utterly absurd levels, and then caps it off with a fairly solid punchline (that landed in an additionally funny way because I -also- assumed she meant Star Vs).

That said, this story actually carries with it a bit of risk in that it is a bit of a time and culture locked story. These are not necessarily bad things (see the shit I keep writing), but they do carry risks in that they might just bounce off people who aren't. Of course, it also means they may well land even harder with people who do like them.

I also want to take a brief moment to point out that this is a good example of how a good title can help. Basically, you created a set of expectations for me (this is gonna be about nerdery and people being wrong), something that excited me, and then built on that. Basically, you already had my good will going into the story, so building on it just enhanced my enjoyment.

I agree with Dubs about cutting the last joke line. It's better to let doofuses miss the joke than bog down an otherwise solid delivery, IMO.

>>Foehn
It's okay, Foehn. You're perpetually lovely.

All in all, this was pretty decent. It kept the metaphor going in a pretty plausible way, and the ending was actually effective. The only thing I'd criticize is that maybe the metaphor became a bit too stretched toward that final part, but that's more or less a nitpick.

7/10, would get scared again.

On the one hand, I kind've like the tonal shift halfway through. Going from a goofy "me meets me" situation to a crippling realization that you hate yourself is a pretty interesting idea. I also liked the explanation about parallel worlds, if only because it was somewhat convincing technobabble.

That being said, I feel like the situation doesn't entirely sustain the narrative. Realizing your own self-loathing doesn't really work when you already hate yourself at the start of the story. Without any real transition, the story feels rather listless. Also, I think Me-Prime is acting a little too blase about meeting her alternate self. It's almost as if she's met another alternate self, but since the story doesn't imply that, it makes it seem as if she came around to her realization a little too quickly.

5/10, needs more character development and build-up.

On the whole, I actually liked this. The dialogue felt natural, the two main characters had some good chemistry with each other, and there was just enough world-building to get me interested. Oh, and that wyrm was great.

The one downside for me is that the setting felt a bit extraneous. While certainly interesting to see the human world merging with the magic world, the story is so down-to-earth and similar to our world that it makes the magic part feel a little unneeded. I could see Gavin and Viveanne hanging out without the demi aspect, and I don't think that's a good thing. A story with this kind of fantasy idea needs to accentuate the fantasy a bit more, if only to feel a little more unique.

7/10, would play Warhammer with cute cat girl again

Ho hrm. Cute gimmick, but it, unfortunately, is not a gimmick that does much for me (and I will fully yield I had to read the comments to get it - problem with Writeoff reading sometimes). All in all, it is definitely clever and the dedication to the trick is good, but yeah, I just don't overly care for it.