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First Sight
Buoying myself with a little liquid courage, I ask, "Do you believe in love at first sight?"
He glances up through his emo fringe— looking a little startled, as if he doesn't know he's the hottest thing at this room party— and gives me a smile I can't quite read. Lifts a black-fishnet-clad arm to sip his own drink. "Yes," he says softly, "but that's irrelevant."
Huh.
"How come?" I ask, drawn in like a moth to his odd answer's flame, and his response is—
— to hold up his other hand, adorned by a plain silver band dammit that's just anticlimactic
That line was just too good for the truth. I'm left wondering what might have been—
— to lift his glass to me, a gesture I return with a tapping of plastic rims before we both drink. "You look awesome," he says. "I love the tattoos. And I'm definitely flattered by the attention. But I don't bat for your team."
I laugh, my failure cushioned by the compliment. "Oh, man, and I just got my gaydar back from the shop, too. I'd better find a new mechanic—"
— to fish a business card from the inside pocket of his sharp black vest. "Right now, anyway," he says, eyes zeroing in on the pack of partiers entering the room. "I don't do love on the clock."
I accept the card automatically, and as I'm opening my mouth to ask for clarification, he says "'Scuse me" and slips past me, one hand levering dark shades over his eyes and the other reaching inside his vest again. A popped-collar dude from the new group glances at him, freezes, and backs into the hallway.
My mystery man pauses for a moment, glancing back over his shoulder with a rakish smile. "But I wouldn't mind a chance to take my first look at you after our team finishes the extraction. Say, over drinks at the 139 Lounge? My treat—"
— another smile, more wry and guarded. "I'm asexual," he says. "I don't do flirting."
"Huh," I echo. I've heard of aces before, but never met one, especially not dressed to kill on the party floor of a convention. "That's a shame."
The humor leaves his face. "No, it's really not. It's not some disability. It's how I'm happy living my life."
I can feel my face flush. "Uh. I'm sorry. I didn't mean it that way. Just, you look so amazing— if you [i]did[i] do sex I would be so into you."
He sighs. "I appreciate the compliment. It's just … everyone does that. Treats me like I'm broken somehow. It gets old."
"I really am sorry. You seem like an awesome guy and you didn't deserve that."
"Thanks." He drains the last of his drink.
The awkwardness of my accidental insult hangs silently between us. He makes no effort to move from his spot by the snack table. I want to slink away, but one thing nags at me.
"Why yes?" I ask.
He refocuses on me. "Hm?"
"You said yes to my question."
"Oh!" He chuckles. "I do. Just for people who aren't me. In fact, I've seen it firsthand."
He's happy enough talking about other people's relationships, and a great storyteller, and he seems to relish making me laugh, and they have to kick us out when the party hosts close down the room. We wander down to the streets for a smoke and end up talking till nearly dawn. I never find my soulmate that night but fall asleep without regrets—
— "We've met, so this isn't a 'first'."
I fall into his stare. His luscious hazel-brown eyes aren't familiar.
"You'll have to refresh my memory," I say.
He laughs, enigmatic and alluring. "Oh, not here. Maybe not even you and me, depending on how you look at it."
I laugh back, intoxicated by his voice. "So, what? Some sort of Fringe deal? Other us-es in parallel universes?"
"Well, when you put it that way," he says, eyes drinking me in, "it sounds kind of crazy."
"It sounds utterly crazy," I say, and lean in. "Tell me more."
He glances up through his emo fringe— looking a little startled, as if he doesn't know he's the hottest thing at this room party— and gives me a smile I can't quite read. Lifts a black-fishnet-clad arm to sip his own drink. "Yes," he says softly, "but that's irrelevant."
Huh.
"How come?" I ask, drawn in like a moth to his odd answer's flame, and his response is—
— to hold up his other hand, adorned by a plain silver band dammit that's just anticlimactic
That line was just too good for the truth. I'm left wondering what might have been—
— to lift his glass to me, a gesture I return with a tapping of plastic rims before we both drink. "You look awesome," he says. "I love the tattoos. And I'm definitely flattered by the attention. But I don't bat for your team."
I laugh, my failure cushioned by the compliment. "Oh, man, and I just got my gaydar back from the shop, too. I'd better find a new mechanic—"
— to fish a business card from the inside pocket of his sharp black vest. "Right now, anyway," he says, eyes zeroing in on the pack of partiers entering the room. "I don't do love on the clock."
I accept the card automatically, and as I'm opening my mouth to ask for clarification, he says "'Scuse me" and slips past me, one hand levering dark shades over his eyes and the other reaching inside his vest again. A popped-collar dude from the new group glances at him, freezes, and backs into the hallway.
My mystery man pauses for a moment, glancing back over his shoulder with a rakish smile. "But I wouldn't mind a chance to take my first look at you after our team finishes the extraction. Say, over drinks at the 139 Lounge? My treat—"
— another smile, more wry and guarded. "I'm asexual," he says. "I don't do flirting."
"Huh," I echo. I've heard of aces before, but never met one, especially not dressed to kill on the party floor of a convention. "That's a shame."
The humor leaves his face. "No, it's really not. It's not some disability. It's how I'm happy living my life."
I can feel my face flush. "Uh. I'm sorry. I didn't mean it that way. Just, you look so amazing— if you [i]did[i] do sex I would be so into you."
He sighs. "I appreciate the compliment. It's just … everyone does that. Treats me like I'm broken somehow. It gets old."
"I really am sorry. You seem like an awesome guy and you didn't deserve that."
"Thanks." He drains the last of his drink.
The awkwardness of my accidental insult hangs silently between us. He makes no effort to move from his spot by the snack table. I want to slink away, but one thing nags at me.
"Why yes?" I ask.
He refocuses on me. "Hm?"
"You said yes to my question."
"Oh!" He chuckles. "I do. Just for people who aren't me. In fact, I've seen it firsthand."
He's happy enough talking about other people's relationships, and a great storyteller, and he seems to relish making me laugh, and they have to kick us out when the party hosts close down the room. We wander down to the streets for a smoke and end up talking till nearly dawn. I never find my soulmate that night but fall asleep without regrets—
— "We've met, so this isn't a 'first'."
I fall into his stare. His luscious hazel-brown eyes aren't familiar.
"You'll have to refresh my memory," I say.
He laughs, enigmatic and alluring. "Oh, not here. Maybe not even you and me, depending on how you look at it."
I laugh back, intoxicated by his voice. "So, what? Some sort of Fringe deal? Other us-es in parallel universes?"
"Well, when you put it that way," he says, eyes drinking me in, "it sounds kind of crazy."
"It sounds utterly crazy," I say, and lean in. "Tell me more."
perfect!
almost perfect!
it's difficult to explain why this struck a chord with me. I've read all the entries, and this one picks up the pins that most other fics fumbled with, and manages to juggle them all. it doesn't even seem that ambitious compared to a lot of the grand metaphysical ideas this round, no technobabble (yay!), but this one's appreciation for a small mundane moment fits its scope perfectly. Because of that, it has plenty of room to fit in repeated variations across the universes, and all of them are interesting and full of little surprises. And then it finishes it all off with one more variation that's..... not an explanation, not a twist, but one more alternate universe that builds off all the others while tying them together.
and hey, it's just a romance story. after serving up all those courses of regret and disappointment, it ends with a dessert made of warmth and intrigue. I don't know how it works, but I can't see this story ending any other way.
First Sight? First Place.
[i]did[i]
almost perfect!
it's difficult to explain why this struck a chord with me. I've read all the entries, and this one picks up the pins that most other fics fumbled with, and manages to juggle them all. it doesn't even seem that ambitious compared to a lot of the grand metaphysical ideas this round, no technobabble (yay!), but this one's appreciation for a small mundane moment fits its scope perfectly. Because of that, it has plenty of room to fit in repeated variations across the universes, and all of them are interesting and full of little surprises. And then it finishes it all off with one more variation that's..... not an explanation, not a twist, but one more alternate universe that builds off all the others while tying them together.
and hey, it's just a romance story. after serving up all those courses of regret and disappointment, it ends with a dessert made of warmth and intrigue. I don't know how it works, but I can't see this story ending any other way.
First Sight? First Place.
Cassius oriented me to that story (notw on my slate).
I won't be as emphatic or ecstatic as Haze. It’s a good story, I like the small instants carefully cherry-picked, and it’s glued in a way that is not without recalling Philip K. Dick’s famous Ubik.
It doesn’t shoot for the stars, but it certainly does well what it does, and bears the brand of an experienced writer. There is certainly talent here, slightly gimped by the format, but it clearly stands out.
Think this could be a good candidate for the podcast, if podcast be.
I won't be as emphatic or ecstatic as Haze. It’s a good story, I like the small instants carefully cherry-picked, and it’s glued in a way that is not without recalling Philip K. Dick’s famous Ubik.
It doesn’t shoot for the stars, but it certainly does well what it does, and bears the brand of an experienced writer. There is certainly talent here, slightly gimped by the format, but it clearly stands out.
Think this could be a good candidate for the podcast, if podcast be.
This is definitely solid. You get a lot of work done with the main character in a very short amount of time, which goes a long way to making the reader invested. One thing, though, that I think was an odd choice is how unrelated each of the scenarios are from each other. It kind of makes most of them feel like filler, and it really makes it difficult to care about the narrator's crush, since he's essentially becoming a different character every hundred or so words. If I had to make a suggestion, I'd like to see some sort of common thread between all the realities we're presented with, because when they're so detached from one another, the sum of the whole starts to feel less like a story arc and more like a thought experiment.
Hrrrrrrrrrm. Yes, I'm afraid I'm siding with >>Bachiavellian on this one, it didn't do much for me.
On the technical end, a series of repeated vignettes with little tying them together is a style I'm not fond of for Writeoff entries. Since there's no particular glue between them, the series could easily expand to fill an arbitrary length and number of vignettes, or conversely could cut an entire vignette or two and still remain essentially the same story. So I can't give this piece very much credit for working effectively within the minific format limitations, and that's unfortunately an area I consider quite important when voting.
On the emotional end, I found it difficult to immerse myself like I wanted to, because the narrator themselves is a total blank slate. We know they have tattoos, are looking for love, and that's it. We don't even learn their gender, which inserts a distracting layer of confusion into the team batting/gaydar section.
In fact, I'm not even certain if these vignettes share the same party setting, or even the same (parallel universe'd) characters - the ending might even imply they switched places, or were multiple incarnations of the same person all along? Is the guy in the last section somehow aware of parallel universe shenanigans? I don't know, there just isn't very much to go on.
So in the end, I came out feeling little except confusion. And that's a shame, because I'd certainly like to see some of these snips expanded to full scenes. The extraction agent bit is fairly compelling even in its short space, and the ace section, while a little hamfisted in current form, certainly holds potential.
To reiterate Bachiavellian again, I'd have liked to see this piece with a bit more focus. Some stronger thread running through the scenes, possibly one or two of them done more elaborately and bringing in the parallel universe concept in a different way, or a clearer ending - several ways could work.
In a few other entries this round I've talked about stories being written using top-down design: >>Ranmilia
This is the opposite: a bottom-up design piece that has strong prose and small scale execution, and a number of interesting concepts, but struggles with assembling them into a single coherent vision. That's rare to see in a mini, and I do think people can learn a lot from studying this piece despite its shortcomings. Thanks for writing, author!
On the technical end, a series of repeated vignettes with little tying them together is a style I'm not fond of for Writeoff entries. Since there's no particular glue between them, the series could easily expand to fill an arbitrary length and number of vignettes, or conversely could cut an entire vignette or two and still remain essentially the same story. So I can't give this piece very much credit for working effectively within the minific format limitations, and that's unfortunately an area I consider quite important when voting.
On the emotional end, I found it difficult to immerse myself like I wanted to, because the narrator themselves is a total blank slate. We know they have tattoos, are looking for love, and that's it. We don't even learn their gender, which inserts a distracting layer of confusion into the team batting/gaydar section.
In fact, I'm not even certain if these vignettes share the same party setting, or even the same (parallel universe'd) characters - the ending might even imply they switched places, or were multiple incarnations of the same person all along? Is the guy in the last section somehow aware of parallel universe shenanigans? I don't know, there just isn't very much to go on.
So in the end, I came out feeling little except confusion. And that's a shame, because I'd certainly like to see some of these snips expanded to full scenes. The extraction agent bit is fairly compelling even in its short space, and the ace section, while a little hamfisted in current form, certainly holds potential.
To reiterate Bachiavellian again, I'd have liked to see this piece with a bit more focus. Some stronger thread running through the scenes, possibly one or two of them done more elaborately and bringing in the parallel universe concept in a different way, or a clearer ending - several ways could work.
In a few other entries this round I've talked about stories being written using top-down design: >>Ranmilia
This is the opposite: a bottom-up design piece that has strong prose and small scale execution, and a number of interesting concepts, but struggles with assembling them into a single coherent vision. That's rare to see in a mini, and I do think people can learn a lot from studying this piece despite its shortcomings. Thanks for writing, author!
See >>Bachiavellian. Really nothing more that I can add here, beyond mentioning the biggest difference between this and Villainy, I think, is the lack of a repeating block of text and stronger (and ultimately more unique) individual scenarios, which makes the repetition a bit less grinding.
Actually I do have one more thing! The asexual scene. To be honest, while I get the thrust of the scene, it honestly comes off (to me) as the guy being hella abrasive, which I am not sure is intentional? This might just be a case of not really knowing too much about the general societal reaction to that announcement, but the "That's a shame" doesn't really reflect on him. She wants to fuck him. It sucks (for her) that he is not into it.
It just really reads as him looking to pick a fight.
Actually I do have one more thing! The asexual scene. To be honest, while I get the thrust of the scene, it honestly comes off (to me) as the guy being hella abrasive, which I am not sure is intentional? This might just be a case of not really knowing too much about the general societal reaction to that announcement, but the "That's a shame" doesn't really reflect on him. She wants to fuck him. It sucks (for her) that he is not into it.
It just really reads as him looking to pick a fight.
This is one of those stories that I don't really like, per se, but definitely consider to be well-written. The protagonist's interaction with the other fellow was interesting to watch, and I liked the easygoing nature of the piece. The atmosphere was also nice, and I thought it caught the party feeling pretty well.
As for what I didn't like, I thought the constant breaks (-) were a little too prominent. I get that it's to symbolize the possible shifts in reality and work as a paragraph separator, but it felt a bit unnecessary, given that the ending justifies the usage of the prompt regardless. I also didn't think the main character was that fleshed out. The other guy at least came off as snarky and a tad abrasive, so it really highlighted the main character's blandness.
6/10, this turned me into an asexual
As for what I didn't like, I thought the constant breaks (-) were a little too prominent. I get that it's to symbolize the possible shifts in reality and work as a paragraph separator, but it felt a bit unnecessary, given that the ending justifies the usage of the prompt regardless. I also didn't think the main character was that fleshed out. The other guy at least came off as snarky and a tad abrasive, so it really highlighted the main character's blandness.
6/10, this turned me into an asexual
Well, this is fantastic.
The only advice I can offer: "hand, adorned by a plain silver band" totally confused me until the second read-through. Since the 'hand' was 'adorned', I was thinking he had a silver bracelet, and I was wondering what that signified. I don't think there's anything wrong with it, but I'm suspicious others might be equally confused.
Anyway... Tell me more. :raritywink:
The only advice I can offer: "hand, adorned by a plain silver band" totally confused me until the second read-through. Since the 'hand' was 'adorned', I was thinking he had a silver bracelet, and I was wondering what that signified. I don't think there's anything wrong with it, but I'm suspicious others might be equally confused.
Anyway... Tell me more. :raritywink: