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From Curiosity to Confusion, From Confusion to Horror
“I’d love to go golfing with you, Steve, but first, we need to talk about alternate universes.”
“Alternate universes?”
“Yeah, Steve. Alternate universes.”
“Why?” asked Steve.
“Because some of them are quite interesting. Like this one where under Cheyenne Mountain, we have this weird circle-gate that let’s us travel around the galaxy.”
“Oh really? How does that work?” Steve asked excitedly.
“It’s simple, Steve. Aliens.”
“Oh. Any others you know of?” Steve questioned curiously.
“Of course! There’s one where the world is full of superheroes, and when aliens from another realm threatened the earth, they banded together to form a team called the Retaliators or something.”
“Why were they called that?” asked Steve innocently.
“I don’t know, Steve, but I think it had something to do with the overwhelming odds against them.”
“So what else is there?” Steve asked, an intrigued grin on his face.
“Let’s see, there’s one where this guy called Alabama James or something goes on adventures to ancient ruins, takes an artifact from it, fights some Nazis after they steal the artifact, then puts said artifact into a museum. He really likes using whips, too.”
“That’s odd,” Steve commented, a furrow appearing in his brow.
“Yes, yes it is Steve. Moving on, though. I know of one where instead of humans, it's a bunch of colorful horses with names like ‘Sunrise Dazzle,’ and they have pictures of their destiny on their butts.”
“On their butts?” Steve asked, his mouth twisting as he struggled to comprehend all that was being said to him.
“Yes, Steve, on their butts. But if you think that’s weird, they have a gateway to an alternate dimension where they are colorful humans.”
“Wait, wait, wait,” Steve began, “an alternate dimension inside an alternate dimension!”
“Precisely. Oh, and that reminds me of another one where they had this technology that let them create dreams, and in these dreams they had access to the same technology letting them create dreams within dreams within dreams within dreams, and so on.”
“Whoa,” Steve interjected, obviously amazed.
“That was my reaction too, Steve. And if you think that’s bad, wait till you hear this next one… right after the break.
This confusion brought to you in part by me, doing nothing since forever.
“Dude, what are you doing…”
“Commercial break, Steve. You can’t have a talk like this without a commercial break.
“Whatever. You said you had a big universe to talk about?”
“Indeed I do. For you see, this one suspends all belief that we are real. To them, we are nothing but words on a page, doing and saying only what the plot and the writer demand."
“What? No, that’s impossible!” yelled Steve in denial, but he knew in his heart what his friend said was true.
“No, Steve, it is very possible. Even now the reader is just as confused as you and I.”
“Leave me alone, you reader. Get away from me!”
“Don’t worry Steve, this reader will. But only if we go and play golf now.”
"Ok..."
“Alternate universes?”
“Yeah, Steve. Alternate universes.”
“Why?” asked Steve.
“Because some of them are quite interesting. Like this one where under Cheyenne Mountain, we have this weird circle-gate that let’s us travel around the galaxy.”
“Oh really? How does that work?” Steve asked excitedly.
“It’s simple, Steve. Aliens.”
“Oh. Any others you know of?” Steve questioned curiously.
“Of course! There’s one where the world is full of superheroes, and when aliens from another realm threatened the earth, they banded together to form a team called the Retaliators or something.”
“Why were they called that?” asked Steve innocently.
“I don’t know, Steve, but I think it had something to do with the overwhelming odds against them.”
“So what else is there?” Steve asked, an intrigued grin on his face.
“Let’s see, there’s one where this guy called Alabama James or something goes on adventures to ancient ruins, takes an artifact from it, fights some Nazis after they steal the artifact, then puts said artifact into a museum. He really likes using whips, too.”
“That’s odd,” Steve commented, a furrow appearing in his brow.
“Yes, yes it is Steve. Moving on, though. I know of one where instead of humans, it's a bunch of colorful horses with names like ‘Sunrise Dazzle,’ and they have pictures of their destiny on their butts.”
“On their butts?” Steve asked, his mouth twisting as he struggled to comprehend all that was being said to him.
“Yes, Steve, on their butts. But if you think that’s weird, they have a gateway to an alternate dimension where they are colorful humans.”
“Wait, wait, wait,” Steve began, “an alternate dimension inside an alternate dimension!”
“Precisely. Oh, and that reminds me of another one where they had this technology that let them create dreams, and in these dreams they had access to the same technology letting them create dreams within dreams within dreams within dreams, and so on.”
“Whoa,” Steve interjected, obviously amazed.
“That was my reaction too, Steve. And if you think that’s bad, wait till you hear this next one… right after the break.
This confusion brought to you in part by me, doing nothing since forever.
“Dude, what are you doing…”
“Commercial break, Steve. You can’t have a talk like this without a commercial break.
“Whatever. You said you had a big universe to talk about?”
“Indeed I do. For you see, this one suspends all belief that we are real. To them, we are nothing but words on a page, doing and saying only what the plot and the writer demand."
“What? No, that’s impossible!” yelled Steve in denial, but he knew in his heart what his friend said was true.
“No, Steve, it is very possible. Even now the reader is just as confused as you and I.”
“Leave me alone, you reader. Get away from me!”
“Don’t worry Steve, this reader will. But only if we go and play golf now.”
"Ok..."
A pair of floating faces discuss tropes and cliches of alternate realities, and the big reveal is that they're both just characters in a story! And the author just had to mention ponies. This one doesn't go much of anywhere or do much of anything, so I'm calling it a lower tier effort. Sorry, Author.
See the same comment I made on Roy's Diner re: opening line.
Anyhow, yeah, there isn't much of a story here, unfortunately. It's basically two guys reference stuff I know, then things get meta briefly. I think there is something to the meta elements that could make for a pretty workable piece if you wanted to expand on it, but, as presented, there really isn't anything to hook or interest me. Honestly, I kinda thought the punchline was gonna be something about confusing movies with parallel dimensions.
Anyhow, yeah, there isn't much of a story here, unfortunately. It's basically two guys reference stuff I know, then things get meta briefly. I think there is something to the meta elements that could make for a pretty workable piece if you wanted to expand on it, but, as presented, there really isn't anything to hook or interest me. Honestly, I kinda thought the punchline was gonna be something about confusing movies with parallel dimensions.
the one part of the humor I liked: talking about how an alternate universe (with the ponies) has its own private alternate universe within itself. and then going on about the dreams-within-dreams-within-dreams universe. those might be good starting points to build a comedy around, the absurdities of recursion. gotta go deeper!
humor can be hit or miss, but I think the first thing this needs is story structure. without that, you can't even keep the attention of the audience. it currently feels "random", but not because of the references used or because it's all dialogue or whatever. it's simply non-sequential. it's just a list of different parody ideas with nothing connecting them, so they could go in any order. you want one topic to lead to the next, so there's a clear path the conversation is following, a specific order that can't be broken.
if you do this, maybe the audience still won't find it funny, but at least they'll pay attention. they'll remember the connections between the beats. and it just might turn out funnier anyway, because instead of 8 smaller gags, it'll appear like 1 grand joke.
humor can be hit or miss, but I think the first thing this needs is story structure. without that, you can't even keep the attention of the audience. it currently feels "random", but not because of the references used or because it's all dialogue or whatever. it's simply non-sequential. it's just a list of different parody ideas with nothing connecting them, so they could go in any order. you want one topic to lead to the next, so there's a clear path the conversation is following, a specific order that can't be broken.
if you do this, maybe the audience still won't find it funny, but at least they'll pay attention. they'll remember the connections between the beats. and it just might turn out funnier anyway, because instead of 8 smaller gags, it'll appear like 1 grand joke.
Trying to go meta. I see what you tried to do here author. Unfortunately, this doesn't work for me, I'm afraid.
You spend too many words on making too many references. We have Stargate, Avengers, Indiana Jones, MLP and Inceptions. We get it. All these universes are fictionnal universes. Three would have been enough. Three is often perfection.
By wasting words, you don't have much left to actually play on the eta angle. We end with the joke: the characters are aware they are fictionnal characters. That's not funny. However, the fact they will be left alone if they start playing golf made me smile. But that's not enough. That should be the beginning of the joke, not its payoff.
And what does the commercial break have to do with the rest? I mean, the characters know they are in a written a story - BTW, I would have liked them to know the full details but I can guess why you didn't go that way, and I undersand - so where does it come from?
There is no such things as commercial breaks in written story. Adding one feels pointless. The characters don't really react to it, and it doesn't say anything on written story.
And that's my major point. The whole story, while taking the meta 4th wall breaking approach, doesn't say anything on its genre, its medium or anything related (maybe it was going for what >>Haze mentionned). The only comment is that golf is boring. Like I said, good beginning but bad payoff.
So I'm afraid to say this doesn't work for me at all, for the reasons I mentionned. I suggest you to work on these points for the next time, because I know this can be turned into an hilarious story.
You spend too many words on making too many references. We have Stargate, Avengers, Indiana Jones, MLP and Inceptions. We get it. All these universes are fictionnal universes. Three would have been enough. Three is often perfection.
By wasting words, you don't have much left to actually play on the eta angle. We end with the joke: the characters are aware they are fictionnal characters. That's not funny. However, the fact they will be left alone if they start playing golf made me smile. But that's not enough. That should be the beginning of the joke, not its payoff.
And what does the commercial break have to do with the rest? I mean, the characters know they are in a written a story - BTW, I would have liked them to know the full details but I can guess why you didn't go that way, and I undersand - so where does it come from?
There is no such things as commercial breaks in written story. Adding one feels pointless. The characters don't really react to it, and it doesn't say anything on written story.
And that's my major point. The whole story, while taking the meta 4th wall breaking approach, doesn't say anything on its genre, its medium or anything related (maybe it was going for what >>Haze mentionned). The only comment is that golf is boring. Like I said, good beginning but bad payoff.
So I'm afraid to say this doesn't work for me at all, for the reasons I mentionned. I suggest you to work on these points for the next time, because I know this can be turned into an hilarious story.
>>Fenton
Basically this. The piece has a setup like it's a comedy, but then doesn't tell jokes. The meat of the material instead goes for a "wonders of the multiverse" referential adventure angle, but then pulls back from that to absurdist meta comedy again, but then doesn't tell jokes again... you get the picture. It feels confused and doesn't end up accomplishing much in any direction.
I'd say this all comes down to an extremely common issue: trying to do too much for the mini format. The ideas on display aren't inherently bad, but attempting to do all of them in 24 hours and 400-750 words is extremely difficult if not impossible. That's why we have mini rounds, though - learning these lessons is part of the challenge, and the fun, of mastering different formats. Learn and grow, and thanks for writing!
Basically this. The piece has a setup like it's a comedy, but then doesn't tell jokes. The meat of the material instead goes for a "wonders of the multiverse" referential adventure angle, but then pulls back from that to absurdist meta comedy again, but then doesn't tell jokes again... you get the picture. It feels confused and doesn't end up accomplishing much in any direction.
I'd say this all comes down to an extremely common issue: trying to do too much for the mini format. The ideas on display aren't inherently bad, but attempting to do all of them in 24 hours and 400-750 words is extremely difficult if not impossible. That's why we have mini rounds, though - learning these lessons is part of the challenge, and the fun, of mastering different formats. Learn and grow, and thanks for writing!
