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The poetry round makes me cringe
Do I rhyme “tangerine” or “orange”
Or impulsively write
Something crude and uptight
Feebly hoping it doesn't impinge
Do I rhyme “tangerine” or “orange”
Or impulsively write
Something crude and uptight
Feebly hoping it doesn't impinge
It’s going to be interesting doing reviews of these since [an unspecified number] are my own stories.
Decided to try to review half of these rounded down, this time, including their positions on a partial-slate of just those ones. We'll see how it turns out.
Free verse
is
14% word choice
and
86% rhythm.
Well, sort of.
You got it right
this work
it works
for me
and flows like the prompt.
The description
builds up to
a climax
and
I hope you realize
As slow and buoyant
as this shape might be
(A zero-foot
floating text?)
My like for it
is
Louder Than It Seems.
And
of some entries
(I'm only reviewing half)
it comes
three
out of
eight.
is
14% word choice
and
86% rhythm.
Well, sort of.
You got it right
this work
it works
for me
and flows like the prompt.
The description
builds up to
a climax
and
I hope you realize
As slow and buoyant
as this shape might be
(A zero-foot
floating text?)
My like for it
is
Louder Than It Seems.
And
of some entries
(I'm only reviewing half)
it comes
three
out of
eight.
I think this is about various great and proud things, including the narrator, reduced to low standing by external and internal circumstances. I dig it.
You know, some of my friends tell me that “88” gets used as a neo-Nazi symbol. I'm not actually a neo-Nazi. Far from it.
But I actually like watered-down soda a lot
And the coincidence feels weird.
That's not really the point though.
It's not that I couldn't take a joke about that.
But you know who I bet wrote edgy comparisons out of nowhere?
Hitler.
… wait a minute.
Whatever.
Eighth out of eight.
But I actually like watered-down soda a lot
And the coincidence feels weird.
That's not really the point though.
It's not that I couldn't take a joke about that.
But you know who I bet wrote edgy comparisons out of nowhere?
Hitler.
… wait a minute.
Whatever.
Eighth out of eight.
Man, I have no clue what's going on here. Regional Indicators according to Wikipedia are used for encoding flag emojis or something. So, ?????
Man, this just makes me miss Hawaii. I need to get my shit together so I can afford to go back there since my mom has a timeshare there.
“I Thought She Was…” is my favorite entrant out of the bunch that had this style.
It has a cool rhythm and title, and is one of the few poems of that bunch I can think of with a nice twist to it.
You know, unlike the other one I joked at in its review.
Though I don't think I was actually funny.
Anyway:
Fourth of eight.
It has a cool rhythm and title, and is one of the few poems of that bunch I can think of with a nice twist to it.
You know, unlike the other one I joked at in its review.
Though I don't think I was actually funny.
Anyway:
Fourth of eight.
Flow broken for me
“poem” is two syllables.
Though meta is nice.
Play on form: a way to turn
Uninspired into clever?
Second Half
English “haiku” need
Indirectness and more depth
To work well for me.
The topic's still pretty thin…
Thanks for writing. Sixth of eight.
“poem” is two syllables.
Though meta is nice.
Play on form: a way to turn
Uninspired into clever?
Second Half
English “haiku” need
Indirectness and more depth
To work well for me.
The topic's still pretty thin…
Thanks for writing. Sixth of eight.
Given that this is the only poem in this round of the Writeoff that has an expletive, and Super Trampoline explicitly asked about expletives in the Writeoff Discord server, I'm guessing he wrote this.
Wait.
Oh.
Oops.
Wait.
Oh.
Oops.
>>Super_Trampoline
I believe it's about ice used for refrigeration. Edited to add: Though it could be ice-as-ground, a frozen-over body of water.
I believe it's about ice used for refrigeration. Edited to add: Though it could be ice-as-ground, a frozen-over body of water.
Boy, it's been a hot minute since I've read an Italian sonnet. Or been to the beach for that matter. I live near the beach, after Covid I should try to go more often.
Anyway, other than the hella awkward overhanging transition sentence, a nice little poem.
Anyway, other than the hella awkward overhanging transition sentence, a nice little poem.
clear and amorphous this work
gauging its topic from angles
hard-packed yet evocative
choice of words strengthens this
wall of lowercase letters
lines are beats for the
ease of purposeful reading
it keeps the sound fresh
for that: top of the octave
gauging its topic from angles
hard-packed yet evocative
choice of words strengthens this
wall of lowercase letters
lines are beats for the
ease of purposeful reading
it keeps the sound fresh
for that: top of the octave
Muse turns out fleeting
Flies across the riverbank
Like leaves in autumn
Better luck next time
Good that you wrote something though!
Seventh out of eight.
Flies across the riverbank
Like leaves in autumn
Better luck next time
Good that you wrote something though!
Seventh out of eight.
Interesting. B.
So am-big-uous…
One a Blood.
Two not-A blood type.
Bosnia/Herzegovina?
Nuclear war?
Circled Ideograph Five
So am-big-uous…
One a Blood.
Two not-A blood type.
Bosnia/Herzegovina?
Nuclear war?
Circled Ideograph Five
Hey Entry, this might sound animist
But I'm writing this comment
'Cause your name's on my list
Hey Author, this one sounds like a song
Maybe seventies folk rock
Is where it would belong
Hey Author, I really dig this style
It goes on a while,
But it's got some guile
Makes me want to put taper
To some manuscript paper
Scritchy scratchin' a scraper
Because it wants a real melody.
But hey, Author, I think I'll cut this one short
Don't have that much I'm sayin'
Not that much to report
Hey Entry, wonder who wrote you
Got a lovely hue
Three-part story too
Would you go well concisely?
I'm just asking you nicely—
Thinkin' so imprecisely,
But of eight, you're number two.
But I'm writing this comment
'Cause your name's on my list
Hey Author, this one sounds like a song
Maybe seventies folk rock
Is where it would belong
Hey Author, I really dig this style
It goes on a while,
But it's got some guile
Makes me want to put taper
To some manuscript paper
Scritchy scratchin' a scraper
Because it wants a real melody.
But hey, Author, I think I'll cut this one short
Don't have that much I'm sayin'
Not that much to report
Hey Entry, wonder who wrote you
Got a lovely hue
Three-part story too
Would you go well concisely?
I'm just asking you nicely—
Thinkin' so imprecisely,
But of eight, you're number two.
This reminds me of that sonnet where Shakespeare says how ridiculous it is to compare people or abstract concepts to things, then illustrate by saying the lady's hair is like black wires sprouting from her head. I don't know if that's the angle you were taking on this, but it's reminiscent, by just choosing something oddball because it's not going to be an apt comparison in any case. I only know of Habakkuk as a minor prophet, so I don't know if I'm supposed to be getting something from that title. Or maybe that was the name of the actual shipbuilding project?
Normally, I don't get much of of free verse structure, as it just seems arbitrary, since the author's reasons for building it the way they did aren't going to be apparent or inferred by the reader. But I do think this one hits a nice rhythm.
I do wonder about the object of the speaker's affection, because that would add some context about how sincere he is. Like a middle-school student professing love to his first crush (what are the chances that'll last) versus someone saying it to a long-time spouse, or a respected master, or a deity or something. It's nice that it works on both levels, that the speaker is accurate in what they say, or that they're ironically and naively making a claim they can't back up.
Normally, I don't get much of of free verse structure, as it just seems arbitrary, since the author's reasons for building it the way they did aren't going to be apparent or inferred by the reader. But I do think this one hits a nice rhythm.
I do wonder about the object of the speaker's affection, because that would add some context about how sincere he is. Like a middle-school student professing love to his first crush (what are the chances that'll last) versus someone saying it to a long-time spouse, or a respected master, or a deity or something. It's nice that it works on both levels, that the speaker is accurate in what they say, or that they're ironically and naively making a claim they can't back up.
I've never been to Hawaii. Never been to the central or western part of the country much at all.
Anyway, that's not relevant. I'm trying to decide what this reminds me of, and I can't put my finger on it, but maybe it's the poem about the man who leaves a note to apologize for eating some of his neighbor's fruit? It's a fun little window on life that's surprisingly informative about the speaker's character for its length.
This has a more logical structure than most free-verse, where it just has line breaks where there are natural pauses in the sentences, so I don't have to strain my mind figuring out if there's any significance to it.
Anyway, that's not relevant. I'm trying to decide what this reminds me of, and I can't put my finger on it, but maybe it's the poem about the man who leaves a note to apologize for eating some of his neighbor's fruit? It's a fun little window on life that's surprisingly informative about the speaker's character for its length.
This has a more logical structure than most free-verse, where it just has line breaks where there are natural pauses in the sentences, so I don't have to strain my mind figuring out if there's any significance to it.
I did in fact know he voiced that character!
I don't get a lot out of this. I suppose it's trying to say people aren't very tolerant of interracial relationships? Or that the age difference is too great? (Put me in that second camp, unless it was handled very well.) The rhymes come irregularly enough that you have to look for them to find them, but it's subtle enough that I still came away from my first reading noticing that there were rhymes. I don't know if there's any other significance to why you picked these specific characters.
Not bad.
I don't get a lot out of this. I suppose it's trying to say people aren't very tolerant of interracial relationships? Or that the age difference is too great? (Put me in that second camp, unless it was handled very well.) The rhymes come irregularly enough that you have to look for them to find them, but it's subtle enough that I still came away from my first reading noticing that there were rhymes. I don't know if there's any other significance to why you picked these specific characters.
Not bad.
We've seen a couple of these "bad break-up" vignettes in the poetry rounds that they're pretty generic now, unless we have some more context as to what makes them unique. Not a bad example of one, but I'm kind of jaded to them by now.
I also don't like ice in my soda, for both of the same reasons, plus one: I have sensitive teeth, and having the ice all up top is painful, unless I have a straw to get below the ice. But then I still have the problems you cite. If the soda is warm, I might put a little ice in it.
I should have just put that in as an entry.
This doesn't have the feeling of giving a bigger picture on the speaker than the shaved ice one, and then it degenerates into a typical internet Hitler accusation, so. Eh, it was okay.
I should have just put that in as an entry.
This doesn't have the feeling of giving a bigger picture on the speaker than the shaved ice one, and then it degenerates into a typical internet Hitler accusation, so. Eh, it was okay.
A few editing mistakes, like "o're" should be "o'er," and it's usually "slake" my thirst and from "on" high.
Your first two stanzas set fairly high expectations. The rhythm and rhymes were very clean. The second stanza used "rain" as the repeated element but didn't accommodate by adding another syllable to get back up to where the first stanza was, yet the fourth line of each still had the same syllable count. I could roll with that, if if was going to be held up consistently throughout the poem, but then the third stanza kind of breaks down. The rhymes are weaker, and there's a significant deviation from the rhythm. Though I will concede these may be deliberate if there's a poetic form that defines it his way?
Then the penultimate stanza is a different form altogether, and the last repeats the first. I just wish that reaffirmation had given more context to everything it says. It's adding emphasis through the repetition, but when I look at each claim it's made about water, the poem only backed up a little of it. The breath of life, a little. Wealth and strife, no. Carving like a knife, sure. Hope and dread, and livening the soul? No.
It kind of reads like an ode to me, where it extols the virtues of the thing, but while it doesn't rely on praise only and provides supporting evidence, it only backs up a little of what it says. Effort-wise, though, I recognize that it took a fair amount of work to write this, so you get a higher difficulty score.
Your first two stanzas set fairly high expectations. The rhythm and rhymes were very clean. The second stanza used "rain" as the repeated element but didn't accommodate by adding another syllable to get back up to where the first stanza was, yet the fourth line of each still had the same syllable count. I could roll with that, if if was going to be held up consistently throughout the poem, but then the third stanza kind of breaks down. The rhymes are weaker, and there's a significant deviation from the rhythm. Though I will concede these may be deliberate if there's a poetic form that defines it his way?
Then the penultimate stanza is a different form altogether, and the last repeats the first. I just wish that reaffirmation had given more context to everything it says. It's adding emphasis through the repetition, but when I look at each claim it's made about water, the poem only backed up a little of it. The breath of life, a little. Wealth and strife, no. Carving like a knife, sure. Hope and dread, and livening the soul? No.
It kind of reads like an ode to me, where it extols the virtues of the thing, but while it doesn't rely on praise only and provides supporting evidence, it only backs up a little of what it says. Effort-wise, though, I recognize that it took a fair amount of work to write this, so you get a higher difficulty score.
A few of the metric feet are forced into place (the first one I see is that "onto" doesn't normally have that stress pattern), but the rhymes and syllable counts are perfect.
This is one of my favorite poetic forms, a villanelle, and the only requirements are the rhyme and structural schemes. Many poets use a meter as well, but they don't have to, so even with the few blips in stress pattern, that doesn't violate the form. I like seeing how the meaning of the repeated lines can evolve through one of these, but the imagery you've chosen has possibly led me to interpret it a way you didn't intend.
On the surface, it's clear this is someone who's been knocked down a peg, finally realizing he's not so great as he thinks he is, and on that alone, it's done well. I'm not sure why you chose a poppy in particular though. I have to think the choice is meaningful, as there are many other things you could have used that would have still worked with the "cut down" theme. That made me think this person was brought low by drug use specifically, but there's no other language in there to connote addiction, withdrawal, or whatever else would be associated, so I don't know if that was intended. If it wasn't, I think it wasn't a good idea to use an image so suggestive of that, and if it was, then I don't think the poem goes into it enough, since I can only see it referring to his own hubris as causing his downfall, other than maybe that "draped about" line.
High level of difficulty, and you hit the structure on the nose.
This is one of my favorite poetic forms, a villanelle, and the only requirements are the rhyme and structural schemes. Many poets use a meter as well, but they don't have to, so even with the few blips in stress pattern, that doesn't violate the form. I like seeing how the meaning of the repeated lines can evolve through one of these, but the imagery you've chosen has possibly led me to interpret it a way you didn't intend.
On the surface, it's clear this is someone who's been knocked down a peg, finally realizing he's not so great as he thinks he is, and on that alone, it's done well. I'm not sure why you chose a poppy in particular though. I have to think the choice is meaningful, as there are many other things you could have used that would have still worked with the "cut down" theme. That made me think this person was brought low by drug use specifically, but there's no other language in there to connote addiction, withdrawal, or whatever else would be associated, so I don't know if that was intended. If it wasn't, I think it wasn't a good idea to use an image so suggestive of that, and if it was, then I don't think the poem goes into it enough, since I can only see it referring to his own hubris as causing his downfall, other than maybe that "draped about" line.
High level of difficulty, and you hit the structure on the nose.
I drink tap water as well.
This is another one that's a bit biographical without giving me that much of a broader view of the speaker. I think the shaved ice one was more successful at it. This is closer to the Kissinger one for me.
I think it's that the fear of death comes in at the end, and then it's stated so matter-of-factly that it's not explored, so the poem's really focused on water consumption. A little more at the end would sell it better.
This is another one that's a bit biographical without giving me that much of a broader view of the speaker. I think the shaved ice one was more successful at it. This is closer to the Kissinger one for me.
I think it's that the fear of death comes in at the end, and then it's stated so matter-of-factly that it's not explored, so the poem's really focused on water consumption. A little more at the end would sell it better.
I'm not sure she meant that to actually be funny? She might have been just taking a dig at him.
There's a little something to this, about finding hidden meaning in unexpected places. There's a bit here, where you go off about the keyboard parts, that's extraneous. It doesn't have anything to do with the poem's point. Yet it's nice, because it creates this more conversational mood, like it's not trying to have laser focus on hammering its point.
There's a little something to this, about finding hidden meaning in unexpected places. There's a bit here, where you go off about the keyboard parts, that's extraneous. It doesn't have anything to do with the poem's point. Yet it's nice, because it creates this more conversational mood, like it's not trying to have laser focus on hammering its point.
Expletives are fine, unless they're excessive and gratuitous.
A limerick, and one that doesn't keep to the rhythm of one, though it's one of the more commonly abused poetic forms in that regard anyway. Some of the rhymes are a bit forced as well, but as a piece focused on exactly what it says in the title, it does its job. It's not the first time someone's done a meta piece about the write-offs, and I'm pretty sure I've even seen a similar sentiment before. Not bad.
A limerick, and one that doesn't keep to the rhythm of one, though it's one of the more commonly abused poetic forms in that regard anyway. Some of the rhymes are a bit forced as well, but as a piece focused on exactly what it says in the title, it does its job. It's not the first time someone's done a meta piece about the write-offs, and I'm pretty sure I've even seen a similar sentiment before. Not bad.
Ah, the eternal argument over whether certain words are one syllable or two. I pronounce "poem" as two, but there are plenty of people who say it's one. I had a similar argument over "squirrel."
Anyway, this is an odd little piece of metapoetry, but I rather like it. It almost has an Ogden Nash feel to me.
Anyway, this is an odd little piece of metapoetry, but I rather like it. It almost has an Ogden Nash feel to me.
I like this, and I wonder if it's a pony reference, with the name of Ashleigh Ball's band.
This has a similar progression to "Pumpkinhead" to me, where the speaker gradually learns his own limitations. Some of the word choices ended up being kind of odd, like debut and indenture. I'm split on whether this is someone's internal conflict or whether it's an allegory for a failed romance, but it works either way.
This has a similar progression to "Pumpkinhead" to me, where the speaker gradually learns his own limitations. Some of the word choices ended up being kind of odd, like debut and indenture. I'm split on whether this is someone's internal conflict or whether it's an allegory for a failed romance, but it works either way.
They would play in hockey rinks, of course.
A little observational thing, but there's no deeper meaning here. It's fine for what it is.
A little observational thing, but there's no deeper meaning here. It's fine for what it is.
I'm afraid this went over my head. I don't know what the "sleeping life's mother" is. The rest kind of seemed to be reaching for something existential, but if the other commenters are right, then it's just listing functions of ice, similar to "Water." Not bad. Maybe it just doesn't click with me.
I wonder if anyone will still get this after something else takes over from Discord as the chat software of choice. The only thing I know about regional indicators is people like to use them to post cutesy things in chat, and if you don't leave space between them, it can screw up and give you flags instead.
No idea what this is supposed to mean, though.
No idea what this is supposed to mean, though.
Nice sonnet, and only a couple of semi-forced stresses. I like the theme that all that makes you up has been here a long time and will be a long time after. I've heard it expressed another way, that there's a decent chance some of the atoms that make you up once belonged to someone famous. I also like it when metered poetry doesn't feel obligated to put the rhymes in natural pausing places in the sentences. I enjoyed this one.
>>Pascoite
Given the mention of fanfiction.net, a site infamous for the low quality of its content, this might be more referencing the often amateurish nature of cross-franchise crackships written by inexperienced authors in general.
Given the mention of fanfiction.net, a site infamous for the low quality of its content, this might be more referencing the often amateurish nature of cross-franchise crackships written by inexperienced authors in general.
>>Pascoite
If you ever get a chance to see Hey Ocean live, definitely do; they’ve got a cool sound and Ashley also plays rock flute!
If you ever get a chance to see Hey Ocean live, definitely do; they’ve got a cool sound and Ashley also plays rock flute!
A curl of childhood memories
The crunch of airy ice
And the red syrup sinking
Into the cup below,
Making me slowly
As round as the sno-cone.
The crunch of airy ice
And the red syrup sinking
Into the cup below,
Making me slowly
As round as the sno-cone.
icy path divides,
sun warmed surface slick
leading in its own directions
you may wind up elsewhere
with a single footstep
sun warmed surface slick
leading in its own directions
you may wind up elsewhere
with a single footstep
And there's a song by ELO
That I can't get out of my head,
And one by the Eagles too,
But I can't tell you why.
We remake ourselves
Around the music we have in common.
That I can't get out of my head,
And one by the Eagles too,
But I can't tell you why.
We remake ourselves
Around the music we have in common.
Convivial versification
Can spur our distraught congregation
To fight to unite
As we strive to write tight
Within times of excessive truncation.
Can spur our distraught congregation
To fight to unite
As we strive to write tight
Within times of excessive truncation.
The surging coils of the great blue deeps
Entwine the world with life and lend their power
To mighty storms, destructive in their sweeps
And flooding waves that rise, the lands to scour.
Yet how more terrible we are, who tower
Over beasts, and rend atomic keeps;
How fearsome we shall be in our great hour!
Entwine the world with life and lend their power
To mighty storms, destructive in their sweeps
And flooding waves that rise, the lands to scour.
Yet how more terrible we are, who tower
Over beasts, and rend atomic keeps;
How fearsome we shall be in our great hour!
Operation Mincemeat
was the audacious plan
to plant "official" documents
upon a "drowned" man
and float him to the Spanish coast
where German spies could pry,
and keep the Nazis soundly fooled
right out through next July.
And so ideas not complete
in one time-pressured round,
may be brought out and dressed again
to find more fruitful ground.
was the audacious plan
to plant "official" documents
upon a "drowned" man
and float him to the Spanish coast
where German spies could pry,
and keep the Nazis soundly fooled
right out through next July.
And so ideas not complete
in one time-pressured round,
may be brought out and dressed again
to find more fruitful ground.
Coffee, precious cup of joe
Coffee, sets my brain aglow
Coffee, fresh ground ere it's brewed
Fills my heart with stalwart beats and mind with ready mood!
Coffee, sets my brain aglow
Coffee, fresh ground ere it's brewed
Fills my heart with stalwart beats and mind with ready mood!
Conveniently, ice floats. We say
A higher form made it that way,
A theme more pleasing in its pull
Than the anthropic principle.
A higher form made it that way,
A theme more pleasing in its pull
Than the anthropic principle.
Out through the grounds hot water soon will press,
The crema pearly, rich brown liquid dear
Deep-fills the cup with rolling brew expressed.
I inhale, and right through the tangled mess
Of thoughts my inspiration makes all clear;
Out through the grounds hot water soon will press.
The crema pearly, rich brown liquid dear
Deep-fills the cup with rolling brew expressed.
I inhale, and right through the tangled mess
Of thoughts my inspiration makes all clear;
Out through the grounds hot water soon will press.
You came and you did something more than those
Who passed on this event for one of prose.
We come to heed the callings of our curse,
And clap our musings in the jail of verse.
Who passed on this event for one of prose.
We come to heed the callings of our curse,
And clap our musings in the jail of verse.
Author, if this is autobiographical, there's hope. I've been to the brink of the abyss and pulled back. PM me if you want to talk.
Some things must run deeper than one's mere speech,
So let's watch as the sand is cast up on the beach,
And wavedrift is written out line upon line,
From the sea which, like Homer's, is dark as the wine.
So let's watch as the sand is cast up on the beach,
And wavedrift is written out line upon line,
From the sea which, like Homer's, is dark as the wine.
>>Light_Striker
Glad you enjoyed
>>Pascoite Honestly, I mostly just wanted to write about how badass pykrete is. And yes, Project Habakkuk is what the shipbuilding project was called. They never built more than a 70-foot long proof of concept on a lake in Canada, but even that still took three years to melt completely.
>>GroaningGreyAgony
Yeah, WWII was filled with crazy schemes. Of course, the craziest of them all ended up taking a major part in finally ending it. (The USSR invading Manchuria was the other big motivation)
Glad you enjoyed
>>Pascoite Honestly, I mostly just wanted to write about how badass pykrete is. And yes, Project Habakkuk is what the shipbuilding project was called. They never built more than a 70-foot long proof of concept on a lake in Canada, but even that still took three years to melt completely.
>>GroaningGreyAgony
Yeah, WWII was filled with crazy schemes. Of course, the craziest of them all ended up taking a major part in finally ending it. (The USSR invading Manchuria was the other big motivation)
>>Light_Striker yeah, as an anti-fascist, I know all about the whole 1488 thing. I'm really glad this poem didn't have seven more words because that would have been unintentionally awkward. Anyway yeah this one isn't meant to be taken too seriously.
But still, fuck Henry Kissinger.
>>Pascoite
Yeah, not my best entry, but it was fun to write.
>>GroaningGreyAgony
exactly.
But still, fuck Henry Kissinger.
>>Pascoite
Yeah, not my best entry, but it was fun to write.
>>GroaningGreyAgony
exactly.
>>GroaningGreyAgony
As evidenced by the fecundity of my entries, I found this way easier to write than longer prose entries.
As evidenced by the fecundity of my entries, I found this way easier to write than longer prose entries.
>>Light_Striker
>>Pascoite
Everything in this poem is 100% true, by the way.
>>GroaningGreyAgony
lol nice lyrics drop. There's also of course the Classic IV song "Spooky" as well.
>>Pascoite
Everything in this poem is 100% true, by the way.
>>GroaningGreyAgony
lol nice lyrics drop. There's also of course the Classic IV song "Spooky" as well.
>>Light_Striker
Indeed, this was planned as a haiku, but restrictions often breed creativity, as happened here!
>>GroaningGreyAgony
A 4 6 4 haiku? Truly you are a mad lad!
Indeed, this was planned as a haiku, but restrictions often breed creativity, as happened here!
>>GroaningGreyAgony
A 4 6 4 haiku? Truly you are a mad lad!
>>Light_Striker
Boy do I have good news for you! (I really should rerecord a better version)
>>Pascoite
Yeah, it's about coming back to an old romance and trying to make things work out this time, but in the end it just isn't meant to be.
Boy do I have good news for you! (I really should rerecord a better version)
>>Pascoite
Yeah, it's about coming back to an old romance and trying to make things work out this time, but in the end it just isn't meant to be.
>>Pascoite
This was directly inspired by CrispySparrow's spiraling descent into shittyness this which directly led to my friend having to give away her dog.
This was directly inspired by CrispySparrow's spiraling descent into shittyness this which directly led to my friend having to give away her dog.
>>Pascoite
Lol this is a song I wrote when I was like 16 (I'm 28 now). It was easy to find since I've transferred most of my lyrics and chord charts onto Google drive.
Lol this is a song I wrote when I was like 16 (I'm 28 now). It was easy to find since I've transferred most of my lyrics and chord charts onto Google drive.
>>Pascoite
Now you know why I'm always carrying a water bottle around at pony conventions you see me at.
>>GroaningGreyAgony
Thanks. I don't think I'm actually prediabetic, but I certainly do need to lose more weight still. And I'm super glad you're doing better now!
Now you know why I'm always carrying a water bottle around at pony conventions you see me at.
>>GroaningGreyAgony
Thanks. I don't think I'm actually prediabetic, but I certainly do need to lose more weight still. And I'm super glad you're doing better now!
>>Pascoite
Lol, do you live near Pittsburgh? I know you're east coast. If you do, have you been to Kennywood?
>>GroaningGreyAgony
This gives me flashbacks to when I was super into Christian apologetics.
Lol, do you live near Pittsburgh? I know you're east coast. If you do, have you been to Kennywood?
>>GroaningGreyAgony
This gives me flashbacks to when I was super into Christian apologetics.
>>Super_Trampoline
Er. If you're serious about that, I would like to point out that Writeoffs are for works created during the writing period of the round, as indicated in the event rules. You're not supposed to dig up old stuff to submit. Is that what happened here?
Lol this is a song I wrote when I was like 16 (I'm 28 now).
Er. If you're serious about that, I would like to point out that Writeoffs are for works created during the writing period of the round, as indicated in the event rules. You're not supposed to dig up old stuff to submit. Is that what happened here?
Wake up blearily
Scored as first? That can't be right.
What the… ? What happened‽
But seriously, thank you all. Actual retrospective incoming when I'm more awake, I think!
Scored as first? That can't be right.
What the… ? What happened‽
But seriously, thank you all. Actual retrospective incoming when I'm more awake, I think!
>>Super_Trampoline
>>Super_Trampoline
As Light_Striker noted, what you've done is against the rules.
Given you submitted a lot of entries this round, I suspect you may have broken this rule even more than you cared to admit.
Since it's difficult to disqualify entries after the event is over, I probably won't bother to do it this time. But I'm issuing you a warning not to do it again.
>>Super_Trampoline
As Light_Striker noted, what you've done is against the rules.
Participants—may not start creating their work(s) until the prompt has been selected
Given you submitted a lot of entries this round, I suspect you may have broken this rule even more than you cared to admit.
Since it's difficult to disqualify entries after the event is over, I probably won't bother to do it this time. But I'm issuing you a warning not to do it again.
Pumpkinhead, the retrospective:
Somehow my entry made gold this round! Thank you all. I'm not sure how much to take from it, given that I don't know how much attendance the poetry rounds get, and given the unusual makeup of the rest of the entries. Still!
This was about as impulsive as about all my other entries have been. While it wasn't intended as related to any other work during writing, in retrospect it is arguably a spiritual adjunct, or maybe even first-person sequel, to “Material Fuckup”, the protagonist of which I can imagine writing this in therapy a few years later. (As with that story, therefore, I will be addressing the viewpoint character as male even though the viewpoint character is not gendered in the text.)
The motivation very much comes from the unbalanced, pedestaling “gifted kid treatment” that can sabotage the recipient's ability to truly learn how to learn in a way that will serve them later in life. The protagonist laments that he was praised so much early in life, by people who were both intimidated by him and more concerned with propping him up as a controllable showpiece than being honest with him about his limitations, that he never became humble enough to truly develop himself. In the moment, he realizes he's spent too much of his life burying himself in delusional aftereffects and in reality might as well be all the way back at the beginning—and yet even now he remains suffocated by his own pride. Quite similar in attitude to the other work, then, but with a very different form of expression.
The interpretation-evolution aspect of the villanelle form is weaker here than it could be. The “poppy” line shifts the most from anticipation to resolution between the third and fifth stanzas, as explained more below, but the “blaze” line acts more as a plain ostinato.
The title is mainly a reference to jack-o'-lanterns, which flicker brightly but are hollow inside, but I was also side-eyeing Donatello's Zuccone (“pumpkin”) in the process.
I am quite pleased with how I managed to work the alliteration into the B-lines.
Review responses:
>>Super_Trampoline
It is mainly the personal case, but yes, something like that.
>>Pascoite
I'm glad you liked the scheme and scansion of it! I do think those are the strongest parts.
I hadn't anticipated the potential interpretation of “poppy” as referring to drug use, in fact. Drugs were not the intended means of downfall, though you might be able to make it fit.
What “poppy” is mainly intended to refer to is Tall Poppy Syndrome, though I don't think this came through very well. The viewpoint character is lamenting himself first and foremost—but in the third stanza, there's a foreboding that other people might have hated him for being the one on the pedestal, and in the fifth, there's a more direct acknowledgment that the cutting-down has actually happened. How much of it is directly because he overplayed his own hand, and how much of it was made worse by his peers crushing him into the mud preemptively (and how much did he deserve it)? The tension between the individual and social aspects of this responsibility was the intended allusion. But like I said at the beginning of the paragraph, I'm not sure that was well-represented enough in the text to work.
>>GroaningGreyAgony
I like it! I bet the viewpoint character could use some coffee after this. Though stereotypically he'd probably be breaking out the vodka right now instead.
>>Light_Striker
Self. Self.
Now listen, self. You know that retrospective you did on “Neighton's Cradle”, right? The one where you pointed out that both that story and “Material Fuckup” involved their protagonists spiraling into fire. Well, you subsequently threw in some art which involved a rifled firearm which no doubt imparts its spiral onto its projectile, and then this, which despite the prompt being “Cold Water” of all things, interprets it as water being poured onto a metaphorical fire in relation to a long downward spiral. At least it is a metaphorical fire rather than a literal one.
I'm not sure about the viability of establishing a “no fire” rule for your next entry or two, based on your track record thus far, but at least think about it a little, okay? Okay, self? You with me?
I mean, you're always supposed to be with me, since you're me, but sometimes I wonder, you know?
Thanks to the readers for reading, to the commenters for commenting, and to the other authors for writing. See you all again in future events, I hope!
Somehow my entry made gold this round! Thank you all. I'm not sure how much to take from it, given that I don't know how much attendance the poetry rounds get, and given the unusual makeup of the rest of the entries. Still!
This was about as impulsive as about all my other entries have been. While it wasn't intended as related to any other work during writing, in retrospect it is arguably a spiritual adjunct, or maybe even first-person sequel, to “Material Fuckup”, the protagonist of which I can imagine writing this in therapy a few years later. (As with that story, therefore, I will be addressing the viewpoint character as male even though the viewpoint character is not gendered in the text.)
The motivation very much comes from the unbalanced, pedestaling “gifted kid treatment” that can sabotage the recipient's ability to truly learn how to learn in a way that will serve them later in life. The protagonist laments that he was praised so much early in life, by people who were both intimidated by him and more concerned with propping him up as a controllable showpiece than being honest with him about his limitations, that he never became humble enough to truly develop himself. In the moment, he realizes he's spent too much of his life burying himself in delusional aftereffects and in reality might as well be all the way back at the beginning—and yet even now he remains suffocated by his own pride. Quite similar in attitude to the other work, then, but with a very different form of expression.
The interpretation-evolution aspect of the villanelle form is weaker here than it could be. The “poppy” line shifts the most from anticipation to resolution between the third and fifth stanzas, as explained more below, but the “blaze” line acts more as a plain ostinato.
The title is mainly a reference to jack-o'-lanterns, which flicker brightly but are hollow inside, but I was also side-eyeing Donatello's Zuccone (“pumpkin”) in the process.
I am quite pleased with how I managed to work the alliteration into the B-lines.
Review responses:
>>Super_Trampoline
It is mainly the personal case, but yes, something like that.
>>Pascoite
I'm glad you liked the scheme and scansion of it! I do think those are the strongest parts.
I hadn't anticipated the potential interpretation of “poppy” as referring to drug use, in fact. Drugs were not the intended means of downfall, though you might be able to make it fit.
What “poppy” is mainly intended to refer to is Tall Poppy Syndrome, though I don't think this came through very well. The viewpoint character is lamenting himself first and foremost—but in the third stanza, there's a foreboding that other people might have hated him for being the one on the pedestal, and in the fifth, there's a more direct acknowledgment that the cutting-down has actually happened. How much of it is directly because he overplayed his own hand, and how much of it was made worse by his peers crushing him into the mud preemptively (and how much did he deserve it)? The tension between the individual and social aspects of this responsibility was the intended allusion. But like I said at the beginning of the paragraph, I'm not sure that was well-represented enough in the text to work.
>>GroaningGreyAgony
I like it! I bet the viewpoint character could use some coffee after this. Though stereotypically he'd probably be breaking out the vodka right now instead.
>>Light_Striker
Self. Self.
Now listen, self. You know that retrospective you did on “Neighton's Cradle”, right? The one where you pointed out that both that story and “Material Fuckup” involved their protagonists spiraling into fire. Well, you subsequently threw in some art which involved a rifled firearm which no doubt imparts its spiral onto its projectile, and then this, which despite the prompt being “Cold Water” of all things, interprets it as water being poured onto a metaphorical fire in relation to a long downward spiral. At least it is a metaphorical fire rather than a literal one.
I'm not sure about the viability of establishing a “no fire” rule for your next entry or two, based on your track record thus far, but at least think about it a little, okay? Okay, self? You with me?
I mean, you're always supposed to be with me, since you're me, but sometimes I wonder, you know?
Thanks to the readers for reading, to the commenters for commenting, and to the other authors for writing. See you all again in future events, I hope!
>>Super_Trampoline
Nah, I wasn't even thinking about the Pittsburgh team, just a convenient place they could go. Haven't even heard of Kennywood, though I live only about a 2 1/2 hour drive from Pennsylvania.
Nah, I wasn't even thinking about the Pittsburgh team, just a convenient place they could go. Haven't even heard of Kennywood, though I live only about a 2 1/2 hour drive from Pennsylvania.
>>RogerDodger
Hey Ocean and Water were both written years ago. Everything else I wrote in one frenzied night where I rediscovered my love of poetry. As evidenced by my asking you where the rules were, I didn't notice that until after I had submitted all my entries. I won't do it again, and if you want to disqualify those two entries I completely understand. Project Habbakuk would move up from 4th to 3rd place then, so it doesn't really change anything.
Hey Ocean and Water were both written years ago. Everything else I wrote in one frenzied night where I rediscovered my love of poetry. As evidenced by my asking you where the rules were, I didn't notice that until after I had submitted all my entries. I won't do it again, and if you want to disqualify those two entries I completely understand. Project Habbakuk would move up from 4th to 3rd place then, so it doesn't really change anything.