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Cold Water · Poetry Minific ·
Organised by Anon Y Mous
Word limit 15–1000
Show rules for this event
Water
Water, liquid breath of life
Water, source of wealth and strife
Water, carving like a knife
Fill my head with hope and dread and fill my soul with life!

Rain, falling from the sky
Rain, manna from en high
Rain, tears the heavens cry
Sate my thirst and reign o’re me and quench the ground parched dry!

Water, flowing through the seas and oceans
Water, liquid poetry in motion
Water, snowing on the trees to freeze on
Hot or cold, throughout the world, throughout the changing seasons

Cascading down mountainous faces
Permeating fountains and vases
Elevating white towers of steam
Condensating in hours we dream

Water, living breath of life
Water, source of wealth and strife
Water, carving like a knife
Fills my head with hope and dread and fills my soul with life!
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#1 · 1
· · >>Super_Trampoline
A few editing mistakes, like "o're" should be "o'er," and it's usually "slake" my thirst and from "on" high.

Your first two stanzas set fairly high expectations. The rhythm and rhymes were very clean. The second stanza used "rain" as the repeated element but didn't accommodate by adding another syllable to get back up to where the first stanza was, yet the fourth line of each still had the same syllable count. I could roll with that, if if was going to be held up consistently throughout the poem, but then the third stanza kind of breaks down. The rhymes are weaker, and there's a significant deviation from the rhythm. Though I will concede these may be deliberate if there's a poetic form that defines it his way?

Then the penultimate stanza is a different form altogether, and the last repeats the first. I just wish that reaffirmation had given more context to everything it says. It's adding emphasis through the repetition, but when I look at each claim it's made about water, the poem only backed up a little of it. The breath of life, a little. Wealth and strife, no. Carving like a knife, sure. Hope and dread, and livening the soul? No.

It kind of reads like an ode to me, where it extols the virtues of the thing, but while it doesn't rely on praise only and provides supporting evidence, it only backs up a little of what it says. Effort-wise, though, I recognize that it took a fair amount of work to write this, so you get a higher difficulty score.
#2 ·
· · >>Super_Trampoline
Coffee, precious cup of joe
Coffee, sets my brain aglow
Coffee, fresh ground ere it's brewed
Fills my heart with stalwart beats and mind with ready mood!
#3 ·
· · >>Light_Striker >>RogerDodger
>>Pascoite
Lol this is a song I wrote when I was like 16 (I'm 28 now). It was easy to find since I've transferred most of my lyrics and chord charts onto Google drive.
#4 ·
·
>>GroaningGreyAgony
You're good at this poetry thing!
#5 ·
·
>>Super_Trampoline
Lol this is a song I wrote when I was like 16 (I'm 28 now).


Er. If you're serious about that, I would like to point out that Writeoffs are for works created during the writing period of the round, as indicated in the event rules. You're not supposed to dig up old stuff to submit. Is that what happened here?