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Pumpkinhead
Onto the blaze cold water soon will fall
The ash is acrid, oily its veneer
And cut down is the poppy standing tall
A youth with smarts but terrifying squall
But peals of praise perversely I would hear
Onto the blaze cold water soon will fall
They'd kept me like a showhorse in a stall
To laud with lies and light with chandeliers
And cut down is the poppy standing tall
For years in vain I sank in vitriol
To find my fire was false, and fed on fear
Onto the blaze cold water soon will fall
For years I draped about, a useless doll
All drunk with dammed-up dreams and dabblings dear
And cut down is the poppy standing tall
There's nothing special of me after all.
And holding on has held me helpless here;
Onto the blaze cold water soon will fall,
And cut down is the poppy standing tall.
The ash is acrid, oily its veneer
And cut down is the poppy standing tall
A youth with smarts but terrifying squall
But peals of praise perversely I would hear
Onto the blaze cold water soon will fall
They'd kept me like a showhorse in a stall
To laud with lies and light with chandeliers
And cut down is the poppy standing tall
For years in vain I sank in vitriol
To find my fire was false, and fed on fear
Onto the blaze cold water soon will fall
For years I draped about, a useless doll
All drunk with dammed-up dreams and dabblings dear
And cut down is the poppy standing tall
There's nothing special of me after all.
And holding on has held me helpless here;
Onto the blaze cold water soon will fall,
And cut down is the poppy standing tall.
I think this is about various great and proud things, including the narrator, reduced to low standing by external and internal circumstances. I dig it.
A few of the metric feet are forced into place (the first one I see is that "onto" doesn't normally have that stress pattern), but the rhymes and syllable counts are perfect.
This is one of my favorite poetic forms, a villanelle, and the only requirements are the rhyme and structural schemes. Many poets use a meter as well, but they don't have to, so even with the few blips in stress pattern, that doesn't violate the form. I like seeing how the meaning of the repeated lines can evolve through one of these, but the imagery you've chosen has possibly led me to interpret it a way you didn't intend.
On the surface, it's clear this is someone who's been knocked down a peg, finally realizing he's not so great as he thinks he is, and on that alone, it's done well. I'm not sure why you chose a poppy in particular though. I have to think the choice is meaningful, as there are many other things you could have used that would have still worked with the "cut down" theme. That made me think this person was brought low by drug use specifically, but there's no other language in there to connote addiction, withdrawal, or whatever else would be associated, so I don't know if that was intended. If it wasn't, I think it wasn't a good idea to use an image so suggestive of that, and if it was, then I don't think the poem goes into it enough, since I can only see it referring to his own hubris as causing his downfall, other than maybe that "draped about" line.
High level of difficulty, and you hit the structure on the nose.
This is one of my favorite poetic forms, a villanelle, and the only requirements are the rhyme and structural schemes. Many poets use a meter as well, but they don't have to, so even with the few blips in stress pattern, that doesn't violate the form. I like seeing how the meaning of the repeated lines can evolve through one of these, but the imagery you've chosen has possibly led me to interpret it a way you didn't intend.
On the surface, it's clear this is someone who's been knocked down a peg, finally realizing he's not so great as he thinks he is, and on that alone, it's done well. I'm not sure why you chose a poppy in particular though. I have to think the choice is meaningful, as there are many other things you could have used that would have still worked with the "cut down" theme. That made me think this person was brought low by drug use specifically, but there's no other language in there to connote addiction, withdrawal, or whatever else would be associated, so I don't know if that was intended. If it wasn't, I think it wasn't a good idea to use an image so suggestive of that, and if it was, then I don't think the poem goes into it enough, since I can only see it referring to his own hubris as causing his downfall, other than maybe that "draped about" line.
High level of difficulty, and you hit the structure on the nose.
Out through the grounds hot water soon will press,
The crema pearly, rich brown liquid dear
Deep-fills the cup with rolling brew expressed.
I inhale, and right through the tangled mess
Of thoughts my inspiration makes all clear;
Out through the grounds hot water soon will press.
The crema pearly, rich brown liquid dear
Deep-fills the cup with rolling brew expressed.
I inhale, and right through the tangled mess
Of thoughts my inspiration makes all clear;
Out through the grounds hot water soon will press.
Wake up blearily
Scored as first? That can't be right.
What the… ? What happened‽
But seriously, thank you all. Actual retrospective incoming when I'm more awake, I think!
Scored as first? That can't be right.
What the… ? What happened‽
But seriously, thank you all. Actual retrospective incoming when I'm more awake, I think!
Pumpkinhead, the retrospective:
Somehow my entry made gold this round! Thank you all. I'm not sure how much to take from it, given that I don't know how much attendance the poetry rounds get, and given the unusual makeup of the rest of the entries. Still!
This was about as impulsive as about all my other entries have been. While it wasn't intended as related to any other work during writing, in retrospect it is arguably a spiritual adjunct, or maybe even first-person sequel, to “Material Fuckup”, the protagonist of which I can imagine writing this in therapy a few years later. (As with that story, therefore, I will be addressing the viewpoint character as male even though the viewpoint character is not gendered in the text.)
The motivation very much comes from the unbalanced, pedestaling “gifted kid treatment” that can sabotage the recipient's ability to truly learn how to learn in a way that will serve them later in life. The protagonist laments that he was praised so much early in life, by people who were both intimidated by him and more concerned with propping him up as a controllable showpiece than being honest with him about his limitations, that he never became humble enough to truly develop himself. In the moment, he realizes he's spent too much of his life burying himself in delusional aftereffects and in reality might as well be all the way back at the beginning—and yet even now he remains suffocated by his own pride. Quite similar in attitude to the other work, then, but with a very different form of expression.
The interpretation-evolution aspect of the villanelle form is weaker here than it could be. The “poppy” line shifts the most from anticipation to resolution between the third and fifth stanzas, as explained more below, but the “blaze” line acts more as a plain ostinato.
The title is mainly a reference to jack-o'-lanterns, which flicker brightly but are hollow inside, but I was also side-eyeing Donatello's Zuccone (“pumpkin”) in the process.
I am quite pleased with how I managed to work the alliteration into the B-lines.
Review responses:
>>Super_Trampoline
It is mainly the personal case, but yes, something like that.
>>Pascoite
I'm glad you liked the scheme and scansion of it! I do think those are the strongest parts.
I hadn't anticipated the potential interpretation of “poppy” as referring to drug use, in fact. Drugs were not the intended means of downfall, though you might be able to make it fit.
What “poppy” is mainly intended to refer to is Tall Poppy Syndrome, though I don't think this came through very well. The viewpoint character is lamenting himself first and foremost—but in the third stanza, there's a foreboding that other people might have hated him for being the one on the pedestal, and in the fifth, there's a more direct acknowledgment that the cutting-down has actually happened. How much of it is directly because he overplayed his own hand, and how much of it was made worse by his peers crushing him into the mud preemptively (and how much did he deserve it)? The tension between the individual and social aspects of this responsibility was the intended allusion. But like I said at the beginning of the paragraph, I'm not sure that was well-represented enough in the text to work.
>>GroaningGreyAgony
I like it! I bet the viewpoint character could use some coffee after this. Though stereotypically he'd probably be breaking out the vodka right now instead.
>>Light_Striker
Self. Self.
Now listen, self. You know that retrospective you did on “Neighton's Cradle”, right? The one where you pointed out that both that story and “Material Fuckup” involved their protagonists spiraling into fire. Well, you subsequently threw in some art which involved a rifled firearm which no doubt imparts its spiral onto its projectile, and then this, which despite the prompt being “Cold Water” of all things, interprets it as water being poured onto a metaphorical fire in relation to a long downward spiral. At least it is a metaphorical fire rather than a literal one.
I'm not sure about the viability of establishing a “no fire” rule for your next entry or two, based on your track record thus far, but at least think about it a little, okay? Okay, self? You with me?
I mean, you're always supposed to be with me, since you're me, but sometimes I wonder, you know?
Thanks to the readers for reading, to the commenters for commenting, and to the other authors for writing. See you all again in future events, I hope!
Somehow my entry made gold this round! Thank you all. I'm not sure how much to take from it, given that I don't know how much attendance the poetry rounds get, and given the unusual makeup of the rest of the entries. Still!
This was about as impulsive as about all my other entries have been. While it wasn't intended as related to any other work during writing, in retrospect it is arguably a spiritual adjunct, or maybe even first-person sequel, to “Material Fuckup”, the protagonist of which I can imagine writing this in therapy a few years later. (As with that story, therefore, I will be addressing the viewpoint character as male even though the viewpoint character is not gendered in the text.)
The motivation very much comes from the unbalanced, pedestaling “gifted kid treatment” that can sabotage the recipient's ability to truly learn how to learn in a way that will serve them later in life. The protagonist laments that he was praised so much early in life, by people who were both intimidated by him and more concerned with propping him up as a controllable showpiece than being honest with him about his limitations, that he never became humble enough to truly develop himself. In the moment, he realizes he's spent too much of his life burying himself in delusional aftereffects and in reality might as well be all the way back at the beginning—and yet even now he remains suffocated by his own pride. Quite similar in attitude to the other work, then, but with a very different form of expression.
The interpretation-evolution aspect of the villanelle form is weaker here than it could be. The “poppy” line shifts the most from anticipation to resolution between the third and fifth stanzas, as explained more below, but the “blaze” line acts more as a plain ostinato.
The title is mainly a reference to jack-o'-lanterns, which flicker brightly but are hollow inside, but I was also side-eyeing Donatello's Zuccone (“pumpkin”) in the process.
I am quite pleased with how I managed to work the alliteration into the B-lines.
Review responses:
>>Super_Trampoline
It is mainly the personal case, but yes, something like that.
>>Pascoite
I'm glad you liked the scheme and scansion of it! I do think those are the strongest parts.
I hadn't anticipated the potential interpretation of “poppy” as referring to drug use, in fact. Drugs were not the intended means of downfall, though you might be able to make it fit.
What “poppy” is mainly intended to refer to is Tall Poppy Syndrome, though I don't think this came through very well. The viewpoint character is lamenting himself first and foremost—but in the third stanza, there's a foreboding that other people might have hated him for being the one on the pedestal, and in the fifth, there's a more direct acknowledgment that the cutting-down has actually happened. How much of it is directly because he overplayed his own hand, and how much of it was made worse by his peers crushing him into the mud preemptively (and how much did he deserve it)? The tension between the individual and social aspects of this responsibility was the intended allusion. But like I said at the beginning of the paragraph, I'm not sure that was well-represented enough in the text to work.
>>GroaningGreyAgony
I like it! I bet the viewpoint character could use some coffee after this. Though stereotypically he'd probably be breaking out the vodka right now instead.
>>Light_Striker
Self. Self.
Now listen, self. You know that retrospective you did on “Neighton's Cradle”, right? The one where you pointed out that both that story and “Material Fuckup” involved their protagonists spiraling into fire. Well, you subsequently threw in some art which involved a rifled firearm which no doubt imparts its spiral onto its projectile, and then this, which despite the prompt being “Cold Water” of all things, interprets it as water being poured onto a metaphorical fire in relation to a long downward spiral. At least it is a metaphorical fire rather than a literal one.
I'm not sure about the viability of establishing a “no fire” rule for your next entry or two, based on your track record thus far, but at least think about it a little, okay? Okay, self? You with me?
I mean, you're always supposed to be with me, since you're me, but sometimes I wonder, you know?
Thanks to the readers for reading, to the commenters for commenting, and to the other authors for writing. See you all again in future events, I hope!