The title made me afraid this was going to be a story-length Hitchhiker's Guide reference, but evidently not.

I liked this story. I really enjoyed the ending; Petunia's joy at the ship was especially well-described and heartwarming.

I ended up enjoying this far more than I thought I would.

Events happened perhaps a bit too quickly, though that added to the fable-esque charm the story has. However, this could benefit from ironing out those scenes a little bit. Most of the criticisms I had have already been addressing, so I won't go into detail

The bold text became distracting after using it so much. Perhaps italics could've worked better? An the resolution came out of left field. Since Zebrica was mentioned early on, I figured Zecora would appear eventually, though perhaps a better build up to that could've helped.

Still, this was a very entertaining read and it left me with a smile on my face.

>>Feris
It's funny, my mind also went to time travel. "If what you need is time, then I'll make time!"

Cue Petunia building a time machine and going back in time to hang out with Coelacanths back in the Devonian Period.

Genre: L-lewd headcanon sex-ploration.

Thoughts: I was hooked by the prose style and the unfolding mystery of what was going on. This has masterful writing, and it did a good enough job of making me like New Guy to carry me through once the extent of his sex-capades started coming (sorry) to light. I mean, there's so much surface polish here, it's hard not to get sucked (sorry again, geez) into it. And for what it's worth, I greatly appreciated the author's note; it gave me a safe and comfortable foundation as the story delved into less comfortable territory.

My main nitpick is that the mystery could have been stronger. While it was appropriate for New Guy to put the pieces together when he did, it detracted from the impact somewhat, because from that point on it was just a question of the details of how his new role would work out. There also weren't any hints about who the whole thing ultimately benefited until they showed up, which is weird for a mystery; I would've liked to see clues, especially considering where it ends up.

And speaking of which... I mean, this is kind of ultimately just a masterfully written headcanon assertion that Celestia once was secretly super-kinky for her actual nephew and now just keeps that going with a couple fresh dudes every century, right? Which... I mean, looking past the surface discomfort I get from it... I would honestly much rather see that explored a lot more thoroughly than being hinted at with the "complicated" line and being left at that. Because it's a big headcanon leap, and it has potentially big implications for the world and the character... and New Guy teases us that he can get to the bottom of that, and maybe he actually has a shot at doing so, considering he made it as far as he did.

Hmm. I just talked myself back around from picking at this to saying it makes me want more, didn't I.

Well played, author. Well played.

Tier: Top Contender Strong (sorry... as I went back and ranked some other stories against this one, there were a few Strongs that I couldn't justify putting below it)

Existential Thriller? Ooooh... Sign me up.

>>CoffeeMinion

I think this is a wonderfully ambitious story that succeeds far more than not.

Yeah, that's more or less how I'd define this. Its shortcomings aren't enough to drag the rest of the story down.

I think we all know what the biggest problem of this story is, it was constrained by the word limit. I mean, it's 8k words right now, you're not cutting it any closer than that. As a result, a few plot points aren't properly set up while others are resolved too quickly. Mainly the changeling invasion. I saw it coming, but it was spotty in a few parts.

Probably the biggest issue I found within the narrative is how quickly Celestia ignores Cadence's worries about the contents of the Princess Platinum Wing of the Royal Libray. I mean, one moment she's frozen in fear about that, the next one she ushers Cadance back to the Crystal Empire withouth nary a line of thought or narration to hint that it just may be her influence that is veering them away from the topic.

Something that also rubbed me the wrong way was how quickly most of the central conflict of the story is explained away when Shining and Cadence confront Discord. Sure, a scene like that was necessary both for the plot and for the readers who may not have caught all the hints, but still, it's a somewhat abrupt way of delivering the answers. But, I understand this as a necessity to keep the story within the limits of the Write-Off.

Therefore, since I can't in good faith bring myself to judge this story on the basis of what it didn't get to do without going over the word limit, I must wonder what could have been taken from it in order to deliver a solid short story with a tighter and more cohesive narrative.

The initial encounter between Cadance and Discord could be streamlined. While I think it works well, it is considerably slower paced than the rest of the story, and I think some of it could have been sacrificed for the sake of fleshing out other parts of the story.

I could go on, but the truth is part of me just wants to gush over how entertaining this story was. Honestly. Author, if you ever turn this into a longer fic, where you can give yourself time to properly explore every aspect of her reality bending power, I'd read every word of it.

Now, to debate whether or not to give this the top spot in my slate...

So, kind of:

A pony version of "The Rake's Progress," but with a happy ending--yeesh, you're right, >>CoffeeMinion, the double entendre's just write themselves, don't they?

I'll suggest actually putting a second challenge in here, author. Right now, there's a first one and a final one, but we don't get one in the middle. Have Old Blueblood send New Guy and his challenger out into Canterlot with some petty crime they have to commit, and have New Guy fail in a way that shows us the sort of pony he really is. Something like that, anyway.

Mike

I don't agree with any of the criticism of this story. The story is perfect as it is: please don't change a thing.

The only flaws in this work are the grammatical errors. From the early part of the story, it's obvious you fell victim to the time limit, because there are half-completed sentences and other obvious errors. There are also a lot of Engrishy errors, so you might want somepony else to proof it before you publish it on Fimfiction.

Seriously, I don't understand what everypony else is complaining about. It's like you guys read a totally different story. The story isn't about Blackstone, so she doesn't need more character development, nor should she have more. The motivations of all the characters are very clear and rational. The decisions made by each character are rational. There's nothing wrong here, period.

At present, this is easily the best story I've read in the competition.

>>KwirkyJ
Kwirky, I regret only being able to make it for the first few minutes of San Palomino before my evening took me elsewhere. You have a great voice for reading, and it would be cool to catch a recording if one exists.

OTOH, my evening included Baby Wubs saying "Da-da, hi" to me, clear as day. So I'm gonna call it a win. ^^

I'm just gonna ask. Why is Celestia personally involving herself in war games instead of delegating the task to one of her subordinates? Why not Shining Armor, or Spitfire, or one of the other high-ranking members of whatever military body Equestria has in this universe?

Because while her interactions with the rank-and-file Americans are kinda fun, the story is asking me to stretch my suspension of disbelief to justify her presence there at all, and said suspension is already strained by the story's mere premise.

Nitpicks aside, this story's comic punches didn't really land with me. I agree that the final scene feels like a weak note to end on, but the only line that actually got me to laugh was the recycled bit from the show about her hair doing that fwooshy-shimmery thing.

Although I do agree with the Catch-22-yness of the bit with the medic.

>>Feris

I admit the twist was quite a shock, but mostly in a sense of relief that I wouldn't be reading any more about a messy war.

Yeah, same, although for different reasons. I just found it really unpleasant to read about. It's similar to Starlight's and Spike's Romantic Dilemma in that it takes way too long to get to the joke and kinda loses me along the way.

Eh, but it's alright, I guess. 8/10.

Pony politics? This round is spoiling me.

As mentioned before, when we started following Twilight through her Bateman~esque morning ritual, I figured we would be in for some comfy Slice of Life about Twi's quirks. Then the Crystal Empire delegates came around and I thought we'd see her obsessive attention to detail and zealous attachment to order would play into the negotiations for the castle somehow, but that ended up not happening.

There were some nice moments here and there. I liked the bits with Starlight, though they don't have an impact on the story, I almost half-expected her and Trixie to crash the meeting and cause an incident.

Overall, this feels incomplete. Sorry.

>>Trick_Question

I'm pretty sure that's how Rainbow Dash was born, and the placenta made a nice parachute.

Headcanon acquired.

Well, this one black marked on me repeatedly, I fear. I really, really do not like Second Person, first off - I can't recall a single second person story I've read that I liked. The only place I think it ever worked was Welcome to Nightvale''s A story About You, or whatever the episode was called, but that was a podcast and part of the meta was it was a voice talking to 'you' on the radio.

Mark two was it was a downer of a story, and mark three was it went into tell-ey meta-narrative to push an odd philosophical view. I mean, it's one I kind of like some of the merits of of some singular universal consciousness (And why I have suspicion as to the author), but not enough for me to feel the experiment worked here.

Sorry, author! I really want to like it more - the writing itself is fine, but oh, second person is the writing equivalent of rubbing salt into an open wound for me.

This is something of a shaggy dog, but a short one and a pleasant one for me. I agree it's rather Tell-Ey, but I didn't grow bored - which is a major plus from me. Definite room for improvement, but speculation (based on the title) is this was like what I often do : Have my initial ideas not quite work, say 'Screw it' and write what comes out, and accept the results, as it were!

I think Twilight needs to take some lessons from Iron Will!

And Cadance needs to take some lessons in communicating.

I was really into this up until the end, and maybe that's because I need to learn the lesson being taught here, but Twilight is being a total pushover. What does she get out of the deal? Twilight letting foreign officials push her around like can't be good politics. Would her acquiescence not just embolden them to push for more from her? Especially because they now live with her! She's solved today's problem but created more in future.

It doesn't help that the summit's conclusion was glossed over. All that build up and you skip the grand finale?

As a matter of fact, business was doing well enough that they could probably afford to move into a larger storefront. It was doing well enough that they probably should move into a bigger storefront!

But while they discussed the idea occasionally, neither of them were really pushing for it. He just felt that they'd lose… something if they moved.

this right here would be a good point to write something going wrong in their lives. they gotta fall in love because they're important to each other, not because it'd be kinda-sorta convenient.

I don't have much to say here, because one flaw stands out beyond everything else.

This story drags on for too long to make its premise believable. It's already a bit of a stretch that Sweetie Belle wouldn't talk to her friends about her cutie mark from the outset, and her interactions with the other characters seem to take a long time relative to what she learns from them.

Less relevant but still noteworthy: Sweetie Belle not wanting to be a monster hunter is out of character. She's the only Crusader who literally tried to get her mark in monster hunting.

>>Haze
I think the clear implication here is that the stallion still doesn't realize he's attracted to the mare, but he knows he likes working in close quarters with her (just not why). It isn't referring to the convenience of their working relationship.

Critiques appear in decreasing order of importance.

I can appreciate the issues with Sunburst's sexuality in his youth, but you need to intro that factor before the dream thing. I strongly suggest having Cadance or Shining comment on, in response to a same-sex letter, how despite being 1,000 years behind the times crystal ponies are more progressive about sexuality than Equestria used to be in the recent past. That kind of foreshadowing is necessary because the letters directly contradict the diorama, and the diorama already doesn't align with reader expectations about Equestria.

I don't buy Cadance's anger. She would have more sympathy than this, regardless of the outside circumstances. You've portrayed her as uncharacteristically mean-spirited. It would be much better if you could have her try to reason in an unrealistic manner, using cold logic, then realize she needs a softer approach. Attacking the situation from anger isn't something Cadance would do: it's antithetical to her character, even here.

The identification part of the premise is obvious early on, which is a little unfortunate even though the secret fortunately does not dominate the story. If you added an introduction with more characters and activity (maids delivering letters or breakfast or such and suspiciously eyeing Shining Armor, even just one), that would make the beginning of the story much more interesting to me.

I don't understand why they didn't simply wake Sunburst up. You need to explain that.

I can't believe that Cadance's citizens, especially when she's married, would send her dick pics en masse. It's very funny, but not believable—even for the Princess of Love. It just doesn't make any sense, but it's really funny, so there's an easy solution: you need Shining or Cadance in dialogue to mention that Cadance's love magic is so strong, her presence around the Crystal Heart forces everypony to feel amorous toward her. That would also provide you with an excellent way to foreshadow the importance of the Crystal Heart later.

The ending seems unresolved. You-know-who is left in a bad situation, and we don't have confidence they will be okay. It leaves me feeling sad, which isn't what you seem to be aiming for.

I wasn't immediately sure which pony said, "I'm afraid so.", because it makes more sense for that to come from Cadance given that Luna likely doesn't know that much about Cadance's daily life. Plus, Luna would likely say, "I am afraid so.", instead. Either way, it's odd for Luna to respond with that, and it needs slight clarity. Maybe, "you don't think" by Cadance, then Luna nodding, or something like that.

I don't think "snickering" is the right description of what Luna would do. She might giggle.

A massage doesn't work well on a bed, and the palace certainly has massage tables.

I love the horse gestation reference. /)^3^(\

>>Trick_Question
I might have missed a line, but I thought the mailbag was from all over Equestria, not just the Crystal Empire, so dick picks could come from Manehattan.

I couldn't help myself. I had to read this out of turn.

I could joke about this not following the prompt and how I hate to accuse somepony of that, but this isn't a serious submission for a short story round. The humor people are getting out of it does not excuse its submission. This story shouldn't have been entered in the competition.

I'd be much more forgiving if this were a minific round. Forcing the reader to scroll down for ten to twenty pages isn't acceptable, and joke submissions that don't meet the minimum standards of the competition—you need to try to write a story—aren't acceptable.

The writing here is very good, but there are some things that make the story seem awkward to me.

I found the beginning so unpalatable that I almost didn't get to the twist. Since the story doesn't revolve around the twist, withholding that information doesn't serve much of a purpose but to split the story in twain.

I find Celestia giving a sultry wink to a human soldier to be completely out of character. That's way too far, especially during a political event. It also doesn't match her slightly-cold exterior in the following scene.

The title doesn't match what you wrote about. Shouldn't you have provided that scene?

I don't understand why Princess Luna wasn't part of the exercise. That makes no sense.

The ending is non sequitur. I realize this is a character piece about Celestia, but I don't think that adds anything to her character, nor does it make much sense that Luna would tolerate it.

Either way, there is too much redundancy in the last two paragraphs, and you really need to foreshadow the strained relationship of the Sisters if you want to end the story with it.

There's too much irrelevant exposition, even for first-pony perspective. Nopony wants to read about you reminiscing in a step-by-step recollection of what happened to you that one time at the doctor's office, especially not the very moment you've been transported to Equestria. You should have done that as an actual scene immediately before the pork. Then the confusion would make perfect sense, the initial scene would be a great opportunity for foreshadowing, and it wouldn't be heavy exposition. You could also use that scene to develop the description of future Earth through dialogue instead of clumsily expositing all that information as well.

It's also confusing how you do the doctor's office exposition, because "they'd strapped a device to my forehead" sounds like you're talking about ponies. That behavior makes no sense for humans. Why would humans of the future strap a device to your forehead? Is that common? Do they not have cell phones in the future? Are forehead devices all the rage?

Ah. It's one of those stories. The AU I've heard so much about, because everypony tells me it's right up my alley, but I haven't read the base story yet because I only read during the Writeoffs. :derpytongue2:

Even though I very much like this story (horsefeathers, maybe I will have to read the base story now), there's no way for me to know how much of your idea is original and how much comes from the other stories already written for that AU. I'll try to assume the massive splitting thing is all you, but that might be giving you too much credit.

At least you do a good job of making the story self-contained so it isn't reliant on the AU. But you don't do a perfect job of that. I don't know what Gran'Ma'Pa or Rocks or Risen mean. The first of the three was completely unnecessary, and the latter two could have been explicitly described instead. Those kind of dependencies are mistakes in a competition where the only assumptions are supposed to be Friendship is Magic episodes and EQG movies.

I've never encountered the word 'skeeve' before.

EDIT: It makes no sense that the protagonist has clear access to his memories, given the fact that he was restored from a much older copy of himself. You could remedy this by having his recollection be very cloudy, where he can barely remember the pork even though we just saw the scene in clear detail moments prior, and that would work with the narrative as long as you made the other scene change I suggested above. It would also foreshadow the truth which he is about to learn.

>>Morning Sun
That makes even less sense. Who sends love letters to a head of state in another country!?

I think the Crystal Heart needs to play a role in the mail, because that would solidly explain the dick pics. It would also add foreshadowing for the role of the Heart later in the story.

>>Trick_Question
Are you implying is isn't normal to send dick pics to your representatives?


...That would explain the restraining orders.

>>Syeekoh
Your representatives are in another country?! :rainbowhuh:

>>Trick_Question
I'll have you know that I consider myself a world citizen, thank you very much.

>>Syeekoh
That makes a lot of sense. I've never known you to respect boundaries.

:trollestia:

The mystique of this story lust its lustre as soon as this being a San Junipero crossover became clear. The drip-fed exposition and elaborate descriptions then became less intriguing and more exhausting.

I feel similarly about this as I do So Be Prepared to Precede Me. Only this time, twice as many words were spent describing science heaven.

>>Feris Petition to make "science heaven" an official write off genre

A mother truly knows best, huh?

I really enjoyed reading this, it had a nice flow, and several moments made me chuckle. But, while I think it's a fine story, there are still some things that could be improved.

First of all, Velvet's attitude towards Princess Celestia... Is something with which I have no problem. I know some have raised the concern of why is she addressing the Princess so bluntly, but I don't think this is out of character for a concerned mother to do (then again, my mom was and still is a very confrontational person, so maybe that's why I don't find it odd). She identifies something her daughter needs and will do her damned best to make sure she gets it, even if she does get a bit overboard at some moments.

That being said, she's still addressing the ruler of the nation, so while I understand her actions, perhaps you could have fleshed it out a bit more by spending some time within Twilight Velvet's mind so we've the chance to see what she's thinking, how she's feeling when asking Princess Celestia a favour. All of these could have helped the scene have more depth and feel more real.

Afterwards, I don't think the party scene was developed to its fullest. I was almost expecting Celestia to bring some other students as well, so Twilight would get to know her classmates, thus showing the first signs of the Princess setting her on a quest for friendship.

What we got felt a bit... I'unno. Off, I'd say. I still greatly enjoyed it, but makes me want more than what we got.


>>Posh

Oh god, it's another take on Time Enough for Love, in which Twilight Velvet learns the magic of adultery from Starswirl.

Imagine that. Starswirl travelled forward in time to impregnate Twilight Velvet, thus assuring lil' Miss Sparkle would be born.
Poor, poor Night Light...

>>Feris
If the premise here is heavily based upon another story, that weakens it significantly.

Author, I don't think you should have done a homage with the name of the story. You should have personalized this to the point that the other story is mere inspiration, at which point the allusion is no longer necessary.

>>Trick_Question
I know that. I say "convenience" in that there's nothing stopping him, no pressure. Business is doing great and she's not planning on going anywhere.

Destiny brought them together, but THIS should be the big important moment that makes him understand his feelings. As it is, it seems like his emotions are controlled by destiny too, he just suddenly realizes for no reason. Too convenient, not exciting to read.

>>Zaid Val'Roa

">>Posh
Oh god, it's another take on Time Enough for Love, in which Twilight Velvet learns the magic of adultery from Starswirl."
Imagine that. Starswirl travelled forward in time to impregnate Twilight Velvet, thus assuring lil' Miss Sparkle would be born.
Poor, poor Night Light...

*scribbles notes for next Writeoff*

:trollestia:

>>Posh
Seconded!

I can't be the only one here who would rather this not become clop. Imo, that would actually cheapen what could be a unique character study of Blueblood Celestia.

I'll get this out of the way: The underlying headcanon about Blueblood being a generational title is fine, but I don't like the way you're handling Blueblood, and I think the story's actually better if you assume that this is not the Blueblood we wind up with in the show, but an earlier incarnation of him. There is zero difference between the character he's portraying in bed with Celestia, and the character we get glimpses of via inner monologue (with the exception that the character probably doesn't rape chambermaids).

The idea that Blueblood could be some sort of dashing sex god has always confused me, since Rarity basically did everything but bend over a kitchen sink for him (because apparently having a faucet in front of your face during sex is convenient? I read that somewhere) and he still managed to blow his chances with her by being a big snoot. If you accept the idea that Blueblood is just a mask worn by a different character that changes every fifty to sixty years, then shouldn't he, you know, behave differently than the character portraying him when the mask is dropped?

But there is zero difference - zero - between Blueblood and New Blueblood (Newblood?). I find that difficult to reconcile.

Now, I did enjoy this story quite a bit, enough to put it high on my slate, but I think distinguishing the two sides to this character (and in the process making him far less of a Gary Stu/wish fulfillment fantasy) should be a major part of whatever rewrites you do.

>>BlazzingInferno pointed out that there's no reason he should be as erudite as he is when he's of such humble birth and station. Maybe you could kill two birds with one stone by having him be a voracious reader. Imagine this guy reading copious horse-literature, and trying to model himself after his heroes in the kinds of books he reads - a suave, sexy, confident rogue who never wants for pleasant female company. And, in the process, he develops a keen wit, a sharp tongue, and the kind of vocabulary to justify him being so well-spoken.

And yet, ironically, he completely fails to seduce a single mare with his "charms" until he, by winging it, manages to bed Celestia. Who takes his virginity. And Oldblood teases him about it before they go off to get drunk or whatever.

Before I wrap up this critique, I want to return to the first point that I made. The most interesting thing here, to me, was Celestia's need to recreate a lost figure from her early life so that she could make pretend that she's fucking him over and over again throughout the centuries. It's even more interesting because Oldblood hints that there's some kind of underlying issue beneath it all, and that maybe Newblood could be "good" for her. In which case, in an... *cough* expanded version of this story, the stuff that would drive it and make it worth reading would be whatever pillow talk they have after they drop their characters, and Newblood learning more about the person he's recreating, and Celestia herself.

Personally, I think you could accomplish that without turning it into straight-up pony porn, but that's just me. I still say you're all weirdos.

8/10.

>>Feris
>>Trick_Question
Ohhhh, this is a crossover. That probably explains a lot!*

Genre: Crossover!

Thoughts: I regret to say that this didn't work for me. I spent much of the story trying to figure out what was going on with the world, and what genre this ultimately was (I swear there's an early head-fake toward Twilestia which made me keep expecting it to turn out that way). The good news is that there were some beautiful descriptive passages (e.g., the beginning) and some cool characters (e.g., the bat pony guy), so I was reasonably interested in continuing to read. The bad news was that I didn't think it ever coalesced into a story per se. It got close, in that it presented Celestia with a choice of sorts, and she headed into the belly of the proverbial beast to make that choice. But then Luna suddenly appeared out of nowhere with an olive branch, and... I guess it just ends? How did Luna even know she was there? What is Celestia going to choose? And why does it matter?

An ambiguous ending can be a valid choice, but I felt like there were a few too many unclear elements throughout. I think that could be fixed in revision, but for now I gotta rate what I see here.

Tier: Needs Work

*Being uncultured swine, I haven't seen the original

>>Posh
I agree 9001% (that's over 9000) with your suggestions. I don't think an *extended* version would add as much as an extended version would. I.e., use the power of *after* scenes to let New Guy tug at the loose threads on the ugly Christmas sweater of the mystery of how you-know-who became so insistent on recreating you-know-what. I also think the idea of him being a heretofore unsuccessful lech would in some ways be more fun, and would open up some interesting directions that the story could go in.

Genre/Thoughts: I fear this isn't the story for me. I'm not partial to either black comedy or ultra-sociopath Starlight. The finale also felt very arbitrary... despite being a person of faith myself, I want a little more than just hand-waving about how Starlight could pull off what she did.

The fun fork thing was funny though, as was the moment where Celestia casts the first spell.

Tier: Misaimed

Some things >>Posh said made me look back at the story, and now I'm unsure if I'm reading something correctly.

Multiple times Celestia reacts bitterly to praise: "If you insist on extolling my imaginary virtues or rhapsodizing upon the alleged wonders of being in my presence" and I interpreted this as she's some ancient cynical being (like a chain-smoking hag) who's sick of everyone worshipping her. Fascinating! But now I'm wondering if this is merely the roleplaying she requires specifically from Blueblood for her sexual fantasy, nothing more.

I liked the potential of a Celestia who secretly hates the world, and this hobby is her only escape to let out her true self. So it's a dangerous gambit Blueblood is playing here, flying too close to the sun (it's not a pun it's a metaphor, ok). That's why I wanted more risk and tension out of the ending, but maybe I'm reading way too deep into all this. If the given ending is not a mistake, then it possibly supports that this is merely fantasy fun-times for Celestia, and the only danger here is no more sex & money.

I like my version better, but I can see now why Posh read this as basically a wish-fulfillment story with the clop scenes edited out.

I was probably completely off. I won't know the author's intention until the end of the competition, but I'm wondering if anyone else read this the same way I did? Just curious.

>>Haze
I read this as perhaps suggesting your interpretation. I don't think it's fully fleshed out, but exploring that is part of what I might expect an expanded version could do. Conversely, if this is just how someone unwinds... there's probably a story to be told there, too. I mean, the whole thing doesn't seem particularly healthy, so what causes it to be there, and could it present an opportunity for character growth?

I didn't really read this as wish fulfillment, but then I'm not partial to the genre, so I could be missing the tells. I guess the first moment when the guy was like, "And then I spent the whole thing on hookers and blow pretty baubles and I shagged a bunch" was probably it, wasn't it? :derpytongue2:

"Oh, fine. Looks like I have to take Princess Killjoy back home."

Brevet Captain, actually, but who's keeping track? Besides me, of course.

>>Trick_Question and >>JudgeDeadd have already said my piece for me (thanks for that; it saves me a lot of time). All I can do is agree with them. Hate to say it, author, but... a title really isn't the biggest thing this story's in need of. Still gets an 8/10 though.

>>Feris

Why are the human characters using pony terminology?

What, like "hoof" and stuff? They're anthros, not humans. Or so I assumed.

That would be something to make more explicit at the beginning, author. At the very least, juxtapose "hand" and "hoof" and, like, mention Twilight's tufty, pointy ears, or have her whinny into her hand, or something.

Oh, sidebar. I've been done with my slate for a while now, and I'm gonna start being that guy and pestering people to read the stories that haven't gotten a great deal of love just yet (for which I blame Froggy! and its wicked author, whom I can only assume was either Lucifer himself, or Oroboro).

The Eye That Floats Unblinking in Sunset Shimmer's Kitchen has only two reviews thus far, and Walk With Me, Twilight Sparkle only three (although I'll be bumping Eye up to three in a little bit; we read it together in the chat, and fun was had by all). So Be Prepared to Precede Me, What You Wish For, and Friendship 101 only have four unique reviewers each.

There are a couple days left in the prelims, so it's not like it's an immediately pressing concern, but time iiiiis kinda winding down. It'd be nice to see all the entries get a turn before the finals roll around.

Genre: Children's story

Thoughts: As others have noted, the casting here is a little bit suspect. Twilight comes across as wooden, and the CMCs are mentioned enough to be problematic given that they don't have any lines... and yeah, this is basically a Deus Ex Machina as-written right now (with probably unintentional unfortunate implications about the purported virtues of drugging your children). Honestly I wonder if Rainbow Dash and Luna would've made better choices for the third and fourth encounters, as they would tie to Daring Do and would let the end sequence happen while avoiding the whole drugging issue.

Still, I think this does far more right than not. It's a complete story, it puts forward a consistent structure that lends itself to a children's book format, and it has some good messages about dreams and hard work and being careful not to discourage the young. Also, bonus points for starring a woefully underutilized canon character.

Tier: Strong

>>Posh
Does Eye seriously...?

Guys. Go read/review it. It's gold. I'm not even kidding.

>>Trick_Question
I would argue the Empire isn't its own country since the Princesses keep collectively being called 'The Princesses of Equestria'. I mean it's certainly a fair headcanon but the show hasn't gone ahead and ever outlined 'Yes, it is its own fully independent nation'; it seems more to be part of a closely knit commonwealth akin to say, Canada & the UK prior to Canadian full independence.

Right, read this! The biggest weakness as exhaustively said so far is 'Suddenly, Luna! Suddenly, Forgiveness!'. There's a big piece missing to justify that and you need to put it in there.

I like the rest. It's obvious there's a world here that's been built up, but we don't see enough to put it together. I'd blame wordcount except you're not at 8k yet so you had more room to work with.

>>Trick_Question
>>CoffeeMinion
I don't know I'd call it a crossover. It's clearly an homage - the title makes that blindingly obvious. But the actual story itself as presented doesn't crossover in a way that say The Iridescent Iron Rat did. Rat took the old characters/idea and rewrote it as Equestria; in this I don't see anyone who resembles Yorkie or Kelly whatsoever.

The part that's straight out of Black Mirror appears to be in the sim itself, but even there it's at least been twisted. Junipero was computers for everything after all and our glimpse of the real world seems to be primitive, if anything, rather than futuristic - the only thing 'techy' is the vaults but those too appear equal parts science and magic.

In the end :
Story is on the right path, but falls shy of coming together - add that and it's golden.

(I understand your pause, but I think the disclaimer was unnecessary.)

You have an excellent deconstruction story here, but there are noteworthy issues with the writing. There are also a few places I was slightly confused by the events.

General issues come first, because there are three problems in your writing you desperately need to fix: sentence length, telly exposition, and overuse of rare syntactic elements. I'll start with sentence length because it is one cause of the other two.

You write enormous run-on sentences. You need to learn how not to do this. I think this issue is so important for you to address that I'm giving a metric buckton of advice about it here, and I may end up writing more text for this review than all my previous reviews combined. Long sentences can be fine, but what you're doing here goes way outside reasonable bounds. It is a consistent flaw in your writing, and it is the most glaring one.

Here are two examples of long sentences I selected quickly from random places in the story, so I'm certain there are even worse examples out there:

Through this same door, after all, lay the promise of another thousand bits, the first thousand of which I'd already spent on the blue and white silk blazer I was wearing and a variety of the bejeweled accessories that looked so very pretty when adorning the mares who consented to join me for a delicious bit of a tryst in the lounge I'd set up in a disused janitor's closet down one of the Music Center's back hallways.

Horse Jesus, author. You shouldn't be able to write a sentence unless you have the ability to diagram it, and if you can diagram that you're much better than I. The one above is 78 words, and the one below is 83 words:

I stopped by my dingy flat long enough to change into my usher's uniform and grab a few of the brooches left over from the first thousand this little venture had so far brought my way, and I managed to make two new friends that evening, one a maiden attending her very first opera and the other a matron whom I'd noticed noticing me all season long but whose curvaceous figure and sweet face I'd been wanting to save for a special occasion.

This length doesn't serve any purpose. It makes what you write less enjoyable and more confusing to read. You're squashing a long string of normal sentences together into a single ungainly ultrasentence. For an example of how to fix this, I suggest the following changes below. I'm also editing your words a little because I figure if I'm giving you this much unsolicited advice, I might as well go all in:

I stopped by my flat to change into my usher's uniform and grab a few of the brooches I'd purchased with my first thousand. Then I went to the opera, where I made two new friends. One was a pretty maiden attending her very first show, and the other was a matron who had been watching me all season long. I had reserved her curvaceous figure and sweet face for a special occasion, and this was it.

Your ultrasentences compound the telliness problem of the narrator's exposition (which I will elaborate upon in a few paragraphs). Work on breaking your thoughts into pieces more manageable than this. I challenge you to write your next story using only sentences 25 words long or shorter.

I admit that sometimes, really long sentences can be appropriate. If you want to describe something breathtaking that would make somepony's very thoughts ramble to witness, a long sentence can add flavor. One example where you do this almost-properly is when you introduce the pony who appears near the end of the story. However, that long sentence contains a colon, an emdash, and three semicolons. That is not good.

Try to limit your use of emdashes, semicolons, and colons. Those are rare spices, and too much spice ruins a narrative. Colons should ideally appear only before a list, or when introducing a description so exacting it could be called a definition; emdashes for rare cases when you need a break that a comma won't do; and semicolons almost never. The only place semicolons are appropriate is when you have a list of items where the items must include commas, as I just illustrated above. That shouldn't happen often, because most of the time you shouldn't be listing things with commas. I only wrote the above sentence to illustrate how to use them. In practice, I would have written three separate sentences, especially since I want to emphasize each point and each point stands on its own. I can't actually remember the last time I used a semicolon in my writing. They're that bad. Fortunately, I think this issue will disappear if you shorten your sentences. You're mainly using all this crazy punctuation to extend your sentences to insane lengths. :derpytongue2:

As for the telliness I mentioned, you have too much exposition of the speaker's past. There's even some exposition where the speaker takes back the previous exposition, and then replaces it with more exposition. If the events are really important, you should either show them to us, or tell us in small pieces mixed in with the action of the story. If they aren't important, they don't belong in the story. In this case, I have a solution that should help. I mention it in the next section where I talk about four's upbringing.

---

Now, on to the story.

The foreshadowing with the cutie marks is excellent. Unfortunately, you revealed too much too soon, which ruins the surprise. I did some web searching the moment you mentioned the leaf cutie mark, and then I quickly connected it with the other one which gave away the plot. I advise you to wait much longer before mentioning the compass rose, because that surprise should probably be kept until the second meeting (or just before it). That will also break up some of the exposition, which you also need to do.

It's very difficult to believe that the five of them wouldn't start talking the moment number one left, especially considering four's upbringing. I realize you're aiming for a particular mindset, but I don't think that mindset would lead to total reticence. These are playcolts, not spies. This is a missed opportunity for you as a writer, as well. You could have turned four's telly exposition into actual dialogue, which would improve the story. He could even tell the sob story, while privately thinking about the truth. Also, dialogue would help to develop the characters' motivations, so they're not all faceless. Let's see what's good or bad about each of them! That will give the protagonist a big hint at what he should be doing.

It's hard to believe somepony faced with a royal guard in an establishment where they expect to be watched at all times would seriously consider stealing anything from the establishment, especially when they're this nervous.

I don't buy the change of heart in number four just before he enters for the second time. Immediately before this, he is playing the game all-in as though somepony may be watching him, and now he has second thoughts? What prompted this?

When the protagonist "declined the offer" I misinterpreted it initially as its opposite, and I thought this was part of the game. If you had explicitly had you-know-who say, "Your first offer is to go with Jonquil. He will provide you with another bank draft...", then it would be clearer on what is being declined.

Why did the offer suddenly switch from one hundred thousand bits to two hundred thousand bits? I don't understand why Celestia would give one offer and change it immediately, before the protagonist has said or done anything. All the other switches make sense.

You have a great story here. It will get downvotes on Fimfiction because of your portrayal of you-know-who, but I hope you fix this up and publish it.

I also hope this analysis has been some assistance to you, because it took me three or four bucking hours to complete it. :facehoof:

>>Morning Sun
Canonically, the Crystal Empire is not within the bounds of Equestria. I'm 85% certain, and I'm not exaggerating so that's very certain.

>>Morning Sun
It can be a homage, I don't care what you call it. It just shouldn't have mimicked the name of another work. If it's original enough to stand on its own, as you suggest, it should have an original name. Otherwise the name is a spoiler, and it belies the originality of the piece.

For Rat, given how much ponies say it copied a similar work, the neigh-identical name is an appropriate admission. (Although I would feel like a plagiarist if I didn't mention the work I was copying in the description.)

I have a problem. My slate has five stories on it that I haven't read, and I don't know if I'll have time to read them or not before the cut. I have two abstentions and no way to remove the other five stories from my slate.

The reason for this is that I wanted to rank all of the stories I've read and reviewed, which I selected randomly, so I put those stories into the mix until I had pulled all of the stories from the pool. I thought I would be able to abstain after-the-fact like we used to be able to do, but I can't. In retrospect this is probably because the shuffling of the stories is done in order to ensure an even mix, and I'm an idiot for not reading and reviewing those stories first before I started selecting random ones. I am sorry for this thing. :facehoof:

I'll try to read those stories, of course, but honestly I have a party to prepare for tomorrow and the next day is the party itself. This is a potential burden for me. It may be a burden of my own making, because maybe I was doing something I wasn't supposed to do without realizing it, but I don't want to misrank stories because of it. Is there anything I can do?

Currently, the bottom five stories on my slate are the unread stories.

EDIT: I also can't access Discord at the moment because of, well, my blog explains. Can somepony ask Roger?

>>Morning Sun

This is probably going to fall middle of the road for me, because what I have here feels more like the setup to a larger plot, rather than something self-contained with an ending of We can't fight fate, so just lay down and hope we don't get stepped on like bugs and that's quite, uh, Lovecraftian a moral.

I am, amazingly enough, okay with that as a moral.

I'm having trouble formulating a coherent critique of this piece, because I'm still floored by just how WELL WRITTEN it is. Everything really comes together with this story; the author nails the narration and dialogue and characterization, and it's paced as expertly as something that's paced very well. As dark and fridge-horrifying as the subject matter may be, it's somehow kept tonally consistent with the show (I mean, besides the allusion to Shining's and Cadance's BDSM-y sex life. If I had to nitpick, I'd say that took me just slightly out of the story). And what really impresses me about the story are the little details that the author wove into it, meta and otherwise.

It didn't occur to me until I read some of the other reviews above me that the map of Equestria is constantly being redrawn as the writers create new locales for the cast to visit, hence Yakyakistan being north of the Empire until it wasn't. The party Moondancer's diary mentions is the one thrown for her in the pilot, and Twilight is conspicuously unmentioned - only for Amending Fences to come along and reveal that Twilight's absence from the party was the defining moment of Moondancer's adult life. And the changeling attack occurs immediately after Cadance makes the mistake of not only reading, but thinking, Twilight's name.

I'm inclined to agree that the story is too constrained by the word limit to fully explore its premise, however. I also agree that Shining's presence and explanation of the plot feels too pat (in hindsight, that might be another bit of metanarrative?), and begs the question of why Discord didn't bring him into things in the beginning, or why a previous incarnation of Cadance (perhaps this mysterious Cadence that people occasionally reference on FiMfic) didn't suggest it. Discord's awareness of the changing nature of reality isn't very clearly explained, imo, and Celestia's isn't explained at all. Nor is her move of sending Cadance home with a platoon of guards to keep her safe; if she knows what's going on, then surely she realizes that no army in the world could prevent Twilight from rewriting history. It's an odd decision on her part.

I also really have to question the logic regarding Flurry Heart's birth and Starlight's existence. Whether or not she's his legal guardian might depend on headcanon, but Twilight's functionally acted as Spike's mother/mother figure since the show began. Possibly from his birth onward, depending on whether you take Lauren Faust's word over the comics', or vice-versa. Either way, my point is that she's his sole caretaker and behaves very much like a mother to him. She has a baby without having to get knocked up by an icky colt. It seems odd that this escaped everyone's notice. Maybe she just wanted a daughter? Maybe she wanted to experience motherhood at different stages, and Spike wasn't growing fast enough? Or maybe Starlight's existence fulfills some other subconscious desire of hers, a desire for an equal, or a sister, or to just be a mentor figure to someone.

Or, idea... maybe Starlight, who is basically season one Twilight, exists out of some phantom nostalgia for the early seasons of the show. Maybe Twilight, on some level, wants to revisit former versions of her life, but can't. So she invented Starlight so that she could vicariously relive her early explorations of friendship. It'd be ~meta as fuck~.

Alright, yeah, that's about all I have to say about this one. Fantastically crafted from start to finish, especially when you take into accounts the constraints of the competition. 8/10.

EDIT Like everyone else, I got a very strong Haruhi Suzumiya vibe from the story, and I figure that's what's going on too. Twilight is god, but doesn't know she is. I personally think that Haruhi wastes its own premise, and that this story succeeds where Haruhi failed.

>>Trick_Question

Horse Jesus, author. You shouldn't be able to write a sentence unless you have the ability to diagram it, and if you can diagram that you're much better than I. The one above is 78 words, and the one below is 83 words:

Do you teach English/writing/composition, or are you just a hardcore grammarian? Sentence diagramming is enough of a dying art that I feel the need to ask.

>>Trick_Question
It didn't prime me immediately, at least, because San Palomino is an actual location on the Equestrian Map - it's south of Los Pegasus; specifically, the San Palomino desert. Now since I've seen what it's referencing it became clear enough once the reveal hit, but before then? I don't think it's as big a giveaway as you're believing.

>>Trick_Question
There's no lines on the map shown in the map of Equestria where the Empire appears. There's evidence it is part of Equestria - like that Twilight's Kingdom begins with all 4 princesses hosting a summit in the Empire, and that we routinely see Cadance popping down to help out; plus, Cadance is a Princess of Equestria prior to that. She may hold dual citizenship, yes, but I can't recall anything firmly establishing it is independent in the way that Yakyakistan is.

If you can cite otherwise go for it, but I'm seeing it as 'You can go either way'.

Something that occurred to me: Perhaps Celestia knew about the changes to reality, and Twilight's culpability, because she'd already gone through the same thing that Cadance did, and came to the same conclusion that Cadance did at the end of the story. Perhaps she's there to foreshadow the resolution.

That changes my reading a bit, but I can't be sure it's intentional. If so, author, be more clear about that.

>>Trick_Question
I send Roger a fimfic PM with a link to your comment. I'm not sure what the best way to contact him is

>>Trick_Question

As much as I love short, direct sentences, I have to disagree that long sentences like the ones you mention are necessarily bad. Sentences that are long simply for the sake of being long should be avoided, but that doesn't mean long sentences should be avoided -- they should just be used carefully.

Fuck it, this is getting a thumbs up from me. Starlight's attitude toward accidentally killing Twilight feels perversely in character, and the way the story treats its subject matter kept me chortling along throughout.

Rethink your approach in the ways outlined above, though, because there are some issues with tone and perspective that you could stand to address.

EDIT: Forgot to give this its well-deserved score of 8/10

I'm not too sure what to think about this story. Starlight was completely OOC (although reformed!Starlight is one of the lamest characters in the show anyway, so it's hardly a loss), and everyone's reactions to Twilight's death were strangely understated, but I kinda liked the humor. And Celestia's confrontation with Starlight was a pleasure to read.

Still, I don't think there's much to this story at all. Starlight is confronted with a problem, sits down, makes a plan (EDIT: a plan which isn't hidden from the audience at all), plan goes off without a hitch. There's the sole speed bump of Starlight needing to swallow her pride (?) and ask for Celestia's help, but it doesn't feel like enough.

>>Posh
I'm mainly using hyperbole.

>>Cold in Gardez
Do you seriously think those two sentences are well-written?

I agree with you, and I mentioned exactly that in my review. I never said sentences were bad solely for being long.

>>RogerDodger
It's for convenience. Since the stories you're given are not provided as a chunk in numerical order, you have to go back and forth between two tabs (or three pages on the same tab) in order to read through them. If the stories are consecutive (e.g. starting at 17 and moving forward until you reach 16), then you can use the arrows at the bottom of each story to move on to the next one.

I'm not sure what else those arrows would be for if not to navigate through the fics in a simple way.

I think my reviews aren't helping anypony much this time, so I'm probably done.

>>RogerDodger
Actually, it could be nice to have a built-in way of randomly suggesting when to do a self-review. The way I'm doing it is this time is just reviewing my slate, and then using Random.org to essentially roll a die to tell me if I should hit "add another" and read/review it, or if it's time to do my own.

>>Trick_Question
Nonsense! I can't confirm if you've reviewed mine yet or not, but either you gave me useful feedback, or the feedback you've given others seems consistent with what I might hope to receive.

This story feels like it's trying to go in too many directions at once, and muddying the waters with too many things that distract from the plotline and ultimately go nowhere: Twilight's debilitating OCD which is the focus of the opening scenes, Starlight's night on the town...

And then there's the ending, which is frankly unsatisfying. The story begins with some diplomats arriving and sternly commanding Twilight to do something, and in the end, after some token resistance, she, uh... does just that. And the ending scene is basically just Twilight and Spike grousing over how inconvenient this new arrangement is - and nothing besides that. This might work as the start of a longer story, but not the end of one.

I liked this one. It was kinda funny.

The beginning with the babies was adorable enough to get my attention. Still, as others noted, there isn't really any conflict in here that would make things interesting. Almost the entire story is just waiting for when will the guy finally realize he loves the girl; and once he does... the story ends almost right away.

This is another entry which, similarly to "My Castle Is Your Castle", feels like a promising prologue to some longer narrative, rather than a story which could stand on its own.

I do like the idea here (treating your past selves as separate individuals, each of whom is a valuable personality in their own right? Makes a frightening amount of sense!), but the story doesn't really go anywhere. Something suddenly happens, someone provides a long-winded explanation of the thing that has happened, the protagonist says "Oh. I see", the end.

In fact, I'd say this story is barely pony related. OK, this is based on a somewhat well-known MLP fanfic series, but ultimately it feels more like a generic sci-fi story in which one of the characters happens to be named after Celestia and MLP is namedropped. You could, say, exchange Celestia for Galadriel and Equestria for Middle-Earth and it'd work exactly as well.

>>Trick_Question
Double nonsense! Your feedback is valuable, doubly so if it runs counter to what everyone else says. That's why we workshop, and that's how we all become better writers :heart:

Awful. Your writing is way too telly. And you practically shoving words in my mouth isn't just stupid, it's rude, especially for an obvious author tract like this.

...Ok, obvious joke made. Seriously though...

I really liked the story - even though I'm not sure I understand everything about the ending. (And becoming someone else after death doesn't sound at all appealing to me.) "You are Ruby Pinch" made me think this was going to be a "MS Paint Adventures" homage, but then it was something else entirely, something pleasantly original and delightfully tragic.

EDIT: I'm elaborating on the beginning/ending parts in a separate comment.

>>BlazzingInferno Triple nonsense!

I don't know what we're talking about. I just want to be included.

>>Posh
The nonsense has been tripled!

“Well, we might as well get to it. I am the Princess of Love, after all. It’s my duty to at least read them.” Cadance grabbed the nearest letter and tore it open. “Dear Princess Cadance. U R Hot. And then there’s a little drawing of a penis, see?”

Aww, she got my letter! How sweet.

“Like what? Track down this mysterious admirer and invite them into our bed for a threesome?” Cadance playfully nipped at his ear. “While I’m sure that might be fun, with a letter like that, their aching heart won’t be soothed by physical lust. I’m sure it would make things even more painful.”

...Cadance, you're the one who brought that up, not him. I'm not sure that suggestion was entirely made in jest; it sounds as though she's trying to talk herself out of it, actually.

Makes more sense for her to be a sexual dynamo than Blueblood, though.

“Ooh, do you want to help Mommy read all of her love letters? Let's do it together!”

"Here, you can start with this one that Mommy opened earlier. See this little doodle right here? Someday, someone's gonna use that to make little eenie-weenie baby Flurries! Even eenie-weenier than you!"

"Cadance, you promised you'd stop exposing our daughter to phallic imagery."

“Look, Flurry Heart! This one says they want to be your second momma! Isn’t that kind of them?”

Alright, that one's actually funnier than mine.

Every maid, every butler, every gardener, every chef. The entire palace staff. And, judging by the lack of ponies Cadance could see from the palace balcony, likely the entirety of the Crystal Empire was affected as well.

They were all still asleep. Trapped in some sort of some nightmare they couldn’t wake from, with no response to prodding, screaming, or magic of any sort.

Oh, I know this one!

They're all in Science Heaven!

This was stupid. She was the Princess of Love, not of asskicking. She needed to figure out another way to reach him.

I have an issue with this story, and it's summed up quite neatly by this line. Cadance does not behave like the Princess of Love in confronting Sunburst. I get that it's her husband under attack here, and she's naturally protective of him, but she also realizes that Sunburst isn't doing this consciously. Yet she treats him with a remarkable lack of sensitivity or understanding.

The fact that this is her second course of action after trying out the action hero shtick makes zero sense, considering who she's supposed to be.

Okay, that was a lot quotier and snarkier than I usually make these reviews. Make no mistake, I liked it, but I share my esteemed fellows' thoughts about its shortcomings. The puppet show thing was a cute and clever, and appropriately dreamlike, way to approach Sunburst's backstory, but it breezes by too quickly. Another victim of the word limit, I'll bet. In a revision, you could always play that part up. Maybe have Sunburst imitating the voices of all the different players, or whatever.

Also, personal note, but I really don't care for the headcanon that Equestria has some sort of widespread homophobia, when Lyra and Bon-Bon are constantly horse-scissoring in background scenes and Big Mac can wander around in a dress and high-heels and no one judges him for it.

And the story does just wrap up a little too quickly and neatly.

Overall, a good and valiant effort, and one that made me smile. But one with some noticeable narrative and structural flaws, to be sure. Not that that's necessarily a judgment; I don't think any story submitted for this round has been perfect, except, obviously, for mine. 8/10, my friend. You've earned it.

Genre: Rogue One Backstory set immediately before the first movie episode

Thoughts: I bounced off the opening section during my initial attempt to read this. It tries to establish the scene and set an appropriately heavy tone but it drags hard with a vengeance. On my second read through, I made it to the "Walk with me" line, and then it was like the story began.

The latter part of the story is heavy and slow, but satisfying. I thought the references to Cadance and Sunset made sense and worked well. Celestia's agony comes through clearly. Actually, the thing with the bat pony guy toward the beginning was interesting, if a little overdone. (Man I hope we get some bat pone background in S7.)

But I digress. How to rank this? I think it Needs Work on the one hand, but most of the Work it Needs is taking an axe to that beginning. So I can be persuaded to go up to:

Tier: Almost There

Bonus thoughts: I was actually expecting the plan to backfire because Starlight ended up in Pony Hell, and for it to end with Starlight and Celestia looking at Spike, then giving each other evil grins, implying he's about to be attempt #2. Black comedy might not be my thing, but IMO that would've been way funnier than the plan going off without a hitch.

(Also, I've filled this somewhere in my Almost There tier. It isn't my thing but it's pretty well done.)

An attempt at original, speculative material doesn't quite achieve its goals.

On the surface, there is an Equestria which is slowly dying as its population "leaves" to be part of the Eternal Dream. No small amount of time is spent laying out the breadth of wonder of the Eternal, which, while beautiful and quite competently-executed, is relegated to the role of surface and setting. (There are parallels to be drawn with "Friendship is Optimal" (relevant to another story on my slate) and the film "Inception", but they are not crucial to discussing this particular work.) This exodus serves as a backdrop to the core of the story: Celestia struggling with her feelings.

It is slowly revealed--somewhat evident from early in the first section but carefully expounded upon--that Celestia is conflicted about her responsibility to the real Equestria and a deep sense of loss, both towards her people, her friends, and--most of all--her sister. Indeed, Luna's stubbornness to remain within the Eternal in opposition to Celestia's dedication to Eqeustria, is at the story's heart. Unfortunately, because so little is provided (or even intuitable) about Luna's rationale, this conflict is little more than an "unstoppable force meets immovable object" stalemate, leaving the reader wanting for a "third option".

Ultimately, the resolution supplies itself, with Luna--at the prompting from two of Celestia's subjects--exculpating Celetia of the unthinkable task of concession. Yet, as relieved as the sisters are to meet once more, there seems to be no discussion of the issues that separated them to begin with, draining the resolution of lasting significance.

Accordingly, the essential conflict deserves attention. Make the resolution also a reunion--connect the sisters' disagreement with the heartfelt meeting and this will be a much stronger story.

The exclusion of articles and pronouns (e.g., Celestia began, and turned [her] head away to) lends a poetic air to the work, but is a very sophomoric choice as it reduces clarity and serves little apparent purpose than declaring sophistication. Additionally, while the actual count is low enough, the number of "said softly"s and other such diminution of speech was striking; like the above, create context and tone with structure and context as much as with mere words.

TAILS (sum of 20 points)
Technical (Correctness) : 5
Abstract (Clarity) : 3
Impact (Consequence) : 3
Language (Congruence) : 3
Structure (Composition) : 6
Gestalt (Considered): Strong

The curious nature of the Blueblood line.

The story here serves the sole purpose of exposing a highly unorthodox--if imaginative--nature of Celestia and her "nephews". There is little to no discussion of why this is, little exploration of a very complex and novel relationship, no discussion of other qualities to be expected of an Equestrian prince (ability to perform administrative duties, e.g.), etc. There is much more this idea can touch upon than has been presented.

Furthermore, as mentioned by others, there is no conflict to be overcome. The perspective character is presented with choices, but answers them out of his essential nature rather than in spite of it; he faces no risk and sacrifices nothing.

TAILS (sum of 20 points)
Technical (Correctness) : 4
Abstract (Clarity) : 3
Impact (Consequence) : 5
Language (Congruence) : 3
Structure (Composition) : 5
Gestalt (Considered) : Appreciable

Discord pulls an inter-dimensional prank?

Little to say for this one. Clearly rushed, even without the title suggesting so, with numerous, scattered copy errors; poorly suited to the short story format (i.e., word count) ; heavy exaggeration of characters.

TAILS (sum of 20 points)
Technical (Correctness) : 3
Abstract (Clarity) : 6
Impact (Consequence) : 2
Language (Congruence) : 4
Structure (Composition) : 5
Gestalt (Considered) : Poor

"Friendship is Optimal" offshoot aims at explaining "Forks".

The story here exists in two forms: first, as a framing setting where the viewpoint character starts his existence in a Shard and has questions answered; second, the actions of the Origin who created this character as a Fork--a splinter consciousness derived from an original human mind.

The work, then, is not a story but a series of explanations in a setting.

Enough of this goes against its referential work that the entire time I was shaking my head, 'no'. Then i re-read it, 'hmmm'd at the points made, and decided I didn't care enough because nothing happens with what is explained. Use these ideas to tell a story--don't use the story to tell the ideas. (EDIT: Unless you are Isaac Asimov.)

TAILS (sum of 20 points)
Technical (Correctness) : 6
Abstract (Clarity) : 5
Impact (Consequence) : 2
Language (Congruence) : 4
Structure (Composition) : 3
Gestalt (Considered) : Poor

Backstory answers questions already answered (mostly).

This story wants to be shorter. The undercurrent of grief and uncertainty runs through the entire work, but its course is so familiar that it is boring for its length. The introspection is exhaustingly tangential, with each ray lending itself to concision or greater integration to improve the whole; compounding the issue is that this path is quite well-trodden.

Twilight's presence is mostly auxiliary: partly as mnemonic or springboard, form which more of Celestia's thoughts emerge, and partly as a frame, providing a contextual border for irrelevant forward references. The pertinent activity of naming her friends could have as easily been presented in a letter.

TAILS (sum of 20 points)
Technical (Correctness) : 4
Abstract (Clarity) : 4
Impact (Consequence) : 4
Language (Congruence) : 4
Structure (Composition) : 4
Gestalt (Considered): Acceptable

Unrequited love in the wrong place imperils the Crystal Kingdom.

The problems here are in the little things. Why didn't these problems start sooner? How does the Heart have anything to do with dreams? Where are nightmares more important and frightening than impending arctic apocalypse? Why did he react so intensely when challenged, especially given the earlier nonchalance? Wasn't that resolution really quick? Because pony!

These misgivings, aside, the story carries its weight. Love causes a problem and understanding fixes it, with the necessary hiccups in between. The teasing dynamic between Cadance and Shining are convincing and fun as well.

TAILS (sum of 20 points)
Technical (Correctness) : 5
Abstract (Clarity) : 3
Impact (Consequence) : 4
Language (Congruence) : 4
Structure (Composition) : 4
Gestalt (Considered) : Acceptable

>>CoffeeMinion
I'm sorry. I'm out.

I don't have the emotional fortitude to do this anymore, and it's just as well because I have party prep to handle.

I've already determined how to fix my fic up. I think it's pretty flawed, mostly due to me finishing it at the last minute when I was extremely tired. I dunno if I'll bother with a retro or not.

There is a floating, unblinking eye in Sunset Shimmer's kitchen.

The abruptness of "we need to get rid of this thing, now" and the means to do so is jarring. Oh, and the take-away seems superficial--I'd like to have that tied in a little more than is given; more science...ing... the thing could fill it out, maybe?

Now that that is out of the way, I adore this story. The characters and their repartee are fantastic; the situation is hilarious and surreal and met with near-impeccable degree of shock and bewilderment. Curious native Twilight (bi-curious native Twilight?) is unexpected and amazing.

TAILS (sum of 20 points)
Technical (Correctness) : 4
Abstract (Clarity) : 4
Impact (Consequence) : 5 (for the wrong reasons)
Language (Congruence) : 4
Structure (Composition) : 3
Gestalt (Considered): Outstanding

Genre: D'aww

Thoughts: It's probably time Enough for me to stop defacing the comments section of this one and write an actual review.

... unless I wrote this, and that's totally a Starswirl cameo, and the deal is that he and Future!Vinyl have retired to the Future!/Past? and they help out with the school in their spare time. :trollestia:

But in all seriousness, this was a thoroughly enjoyable read that fits into canon like a glove. I have the vague impression that some minor editing could tune it up even more, but it was compelling and well-executed and I'm running out of other unhelpful ways to describe my satisfaction with this.

It wasn't as ambitious or quite as brilliant as the fics I'm putting higher than it, but it does what it does with aplomb.

Tier: Top Competitor

This was the cutest damn thing I've ever read. Weak in some areas, to be sure, but the protagonist is adorable and precocious, and her journey from start to finish is brimming with enough childish exuberance to make a mundane series of conversations seem like an epic journey of self-discovery.

I'll go ahead and second/third/fourth the criticisms that the buncha jokers above me have already mentioned, but I'm gonna break ranks with them and offer a different solution to the deus ex machina problem. Have Petunia seek out Zecora in the Everfree Forest instead of going home and crying. The conflict isn't resolved by anything the protagonist does, after all. It's a string that Twilight pulls offscreen.

So how about this: Twilight says that her friend, Zecora, who lives in the Everfree Forest, might be able to help her, and Petunia goes after her. She meets Zecora, asks her to take her to Zebrica, and Zecora says she can't. Petunia cries because her dream is dead, until Zecora calms her by telling her "do not cry, Petunia dear, for I can bring Zebrica here." Then she drugs Petunia.

Or... maybe the potion doesn't make her fall unconscious?

On a final note, I thought that Zecora's rhymes were pretty weak. I get that it's difficult to convincingly write dialogue for a whimsical rhyming zebra, and it's far from the most important thing in the story, but it should be something that you address in future revisions. It's unfortunately dragging down your score to a mere 8/10.

In the spirit of egalitarianism, here's a long review for the only story with two. EDIT: And while I wrote that, it got another. :P But now it's even with the rest of the low-count stories, at least.

I'll be honest here, I'm not entirely sure I can recommend much in the way of specific improvements here. This story is dense, in a good way; it's filled to the brim with interesting situations, humor, characters, and prose, and it doesn't go more than a few lines without being interesting in clever or intriguing ways. That's great stuff.

However, reaching the end, I didn't find myself blown away overall. Sure, the general impression was very good, but it lacked a 'wow' factor for me, a strong depth of meaning, and at first I wasn't sure why. This definitely seems to be trying for it; all the elements are there. Multiple sources of conflict, meaningful character interaction, variation in tone and a final resolution, but it didn't hit as hard as I felt it should have.

After some pondering, here's my thoughts on why that was. I'm going to go overboard on explanations, in hopes you find it useful; hopefully I'm not simply missing something important and going off on pointless tangents. :P

By my reading, this story presents two sources of conflict. One is external, the eye floating in the kitchen and how it's removed. The other is internal, Sunset Shimmer feeling dissatisfied with her place in the world and relationships, and ends with her getting closer to Twilight. The eye appearing began the arc for both of these, which was great; Sunset's tryst with Flash is clearly shown to be a symptom of her unhappiness. And, maybe, if the fact that he's Twilight's not-boyfriend is important, points to how she would like to relate to Twilight - but maybe not, I dunno.

Using two sources of conflict in one story can be good. It can complicate the plot, and that's often a great way to keep scenes interesting and fresh, because there's more to work with. However it can also make it difficult to create cohesion, because the conflicts need to relate to each other or a unifying thread to tie everything together. They need to be two parts of one meaning, not two different, unrelated meanings that happen in the same story.

This is, I think, part of my dissatisfaction. I like cohesion.

I liked the tone of both conflicts. The eye is kooky and random, and the story ran with that. Sunset's problems are serious and dramatic, and that's also followed through on, even if they're described in a lighthearted manner. But... they seem too separate. I never felt the eye was symbolizing Sunset's problems, or it was a response to them, or that the two conflicts strongly informed each other. Maybe they did, and I missed it? Maybe a better reader would dig it out? But for me, although each problem was fairly entertaining, I didn't feel the whole was greater than the sum of the parts.

So, that's my first... I hesitate to call it a problem. Weakness? I guess all I can say is that, in my opinion, the story might be better with a stronger relationship between those two problems.

Secondly is how Sunset deals with each conflict; I feel her reactions lacks emotional weight. Let me sketch out how I perceived the arc of each one.

Internal: Twilight arrives, forcing Sunset to confront what she was doing. -> Discussion about Starlight, intensifying things. -> Squeegee the eyeball, self-reflection and setup for the ending -> Sunset apologizes to Twilight, and everything is good.

External: Twilight shows up and agrees to help. -> Twilight and Twilight technobabble at Sunset in front of a computer. -> Sunset squeegee's the eyeball, building some sort of emotional rapport? -> The eye vanishes the burglars, possibly returning her goodwill. -> Sunset freaks out to Twilight over coffee, the plan is accelerated. -> They vanish the Eye and get the burglars back-> Reflection over coffee, consider the emotional rapport?

Anyways, that's how I saw it. Hopefully it's something like what your intent. Here's where I think I'm dissatisfied. Firstly, the eyeball is clearly marked as A Problem from the get-go, and this continues throughout the story. However, Sunset doesn't have much input into removing it, (which is presented as the solution) except for summoning Twilight. She cooperates in the final scene, but follows Twilight's lead - the eye isn't a challenge, as presented, except (slightly) in the squeegee scene, where she finds communicating with it challenging.

That could be written around. As long as removing the Eye presents some sort of challenge, it deserves its status as A Problem. That could mean complicating the other problem, her uncertainty about her place in the world. There were also hints at an emotional rapport between them, especially in the last scenes; that could be developed as a challenge. Maybe she could grow to like having a giant eye in her kitchen? Maybe she has second thoughts about banishing it? I dunno. As it is, though, most of the things she chooses to do in relation to the eye are fairly emotionally inert, so I have a hard time feeling much emotional depth from them.

Then about her place in the world and her relationships. This does present her with challenges, and some of them are great. Her rant at Twilight about Flash, the whole Starlight Glimmer thing, etc, all that's really good. And her self-reflection with the Eye does seem to set her up for the resolution of this.

But… that scene with the squeegee, which I sorta consider the peak of this arc, is two whole scenes from the resolution, where she actually apologizes to Twilight. And though I think that apology is a good enough resolution, it's not obvious what it cost her to get there, how it's a challenge. So it feels a little… light? Some of that might come from lack of proximity; if she pulled out her cell and called Twilight as she finished squeegeeing, it might have hit harder. Or maybe the apology was harder than it looked, and gathering everyone to banish the eye pushed her past a mental roadblock? Any number of things could work, but as it is, that apology seems too disconnected from the rest of the arc to be properly satisfying.

That's… a lot of explanation. Sorry about that. >.<

One last small consideration. As far as I can tell, this story is mostly about Sunset Shimmer. Since it seems to be written third-person-limited, it might be worth switching the first two scenes from a close perspective on Twilight to a close perspective on Sunset; I don't think you'd lose much, and it would be marginally clearer from the get-go who the story is about.

I don't think that's a very big deal, but I thought I'd mention it.

Overall, this story was really good. I apologize for the length, and I hope I've presented my mild dissatisfactions clearly enough that they were worth reading about, or at the very least entertaining.

Thanks for writing.

I gotta admit, I wasn't loving this story's chances at the outset. A lot of little errors that took me out of it (the Manhattan weather ponies? Seriously? Easy mistake to make, I know, but... seriously?).

It wasn't until Starlight came into the story that I really started to get into it. By the time the conflict was introduced, I was sold. This is another well-paced, slow-burning adventure/mystery that I'd liken to The Melancholy of Twaluhi Sparklemiya in terms of how compelling and just flat-out WELL WRITTEN it is. It's another piece with strong character work and solid interplay between two main characters.

It's hard to tell who is supposed to be the focus here, however. Who is this story about? Trixie's actions drive the story along, because she's the only one with any agency between the two of them, but Starlight's the focus of the story's conflict. And, arguably, it could be either Starlight or Trixie, since we spend an equal amount of time in both characters' heads, and the perspective switches don't help matters a great deal either. But I'm not actually going to hold that against the story, because it delves into and explores facets of both characters, developing both Trixie and Starlight in equal measure.

In short, the answer to the question of "who is this story about?" could be "both, yet neither." It's not a story about either Trixie or Starlight specifically; it's a story about the friendship that develops between them, and the lengths to which they'd go for one another. And I love the way you wrote their friendship; you hit me in the Feels while avoiding sap-laden territory.

This story does have a weakness, though, and that's the character of Blackstone. I must disagree with my esteemed colleague, the honorable Rep. >>Trick_Question. I don't mind a villain whose goals and motivations are ambiguous, as long as there's some indication as to what they might be. An implication, if not an outright statement, of who this person is and what they want. But Blackstone is completely impenetrable, and very little about her makes sense. Certainly, not enough to draw any conclusions about her.

Who is she? Well, she apparently fought Sombra a long long time ago. What does she want? To take Starlight's powers because Starlight was a bitch. Why does she want to do this? Why does she target Starlight? Does she target Starlight, specifically, or was she hoping to teach a lesson to any old asshole who stumbled upon her shop? How does she know who Starlight Glimmer and Trixie are, and why does she dislike them both to the extent that she does? Why does she change her mind about giving back Trixie's and Starlight's powers? Why does she do the whole song-and-dance about not being able to return them when Trixie delivers her ultimatum, only to renege at the last second and give us our happy ending? What does she stand to gain by doing so? What does she stand to lose by not? Why doesn't Trixie find something unusual about a five-decade-old magic shop being run by a crystal pony when the crystal ponies only returned within recent memory?

In short, to loosely quote our lord and savior, Harry S. Plinkett: "I'd be alright with the concept of a mystery villain if the basics were at least clear."

Other than that, the ending feels pat, and I think it's silly that Sunburst knew everything about the Blackstone rebels off the top of his head, but couldn't recall their name until Starlight jogged his memory.

But those are ultimately minor concerns, and a story this good is capable of easily transcending them. 8/10.

A damn weird story where a damn lot of damn things happen, and it ultimately resolves in a really damn unsatisfying way. Feels like the set-up to a sitcom where Twilight and Spike have to share an apartment with Ambassador Jerkbutt and Krystal Kramer shows up now and then to be kooky.

I really enjoyed the political nature of this story, but I found parts of its set-up to be seriously contrived. It's odd that the Empire are such assholes to Twilight when Twilight was partially responsible for saving them from King "NURRR CRYSTULZ" Sombra, and odder still that Twilight would flip her lid over having to give back the castle when she doesn't even seem all that attached to it (I know it's her home and all, but the narration emphasizes how tiny and out of place she feels inside of it; I don't get the impression that she's grown attached to it in the slightest).

Also, why aren't there any artistic depictions of the Reliquary? That seemed convenient. Nobody painted a picture of the Empire's Magic Friendship Castle before Sombra came along and tried to eat it? The heck, man?

Cadance is a bad friend who, at best, told a half-truth to Twilight regarding her living situation, and in the end, Twilight capitulates to the demands of foreign dignitaries and surrenders her seat of power on the grounds that one of their number visited when he was a little boy and swears up and down that it used to belong to the Empire. Thus, she and Spike and Starlight get shunted off into a corner of the house while the rest of it becomes a foreign embassy? I'm not feeling that in the slightest.

Lemme leave you with a suggestion here. Other reviewers have emphasized how pointless Starlight's inclusion in the story is. I agree; you need to do more to justify her presence besides using her drunkenness as a source of comic relief. How about this: Twilight has a conversation with drunk!Starlight while helping her nurse a hangover, and the resulting conversation does something to put the conflict into perspective for her. If it doesn't offer a resolution to the problem (and it shouldn't; that'd be hokey), then it should, at the very least, give Twilight an idea about what the proper course of action should be.

Overall, the quality of the prose, narration, and character work elevates a story that sits on some pretty rickety stilts, resulting in a final product that's... kinda middling. Not bad, but unremarkable. 8/10.

Sadly, the most commented on story on writeoff.

>>bloons3

Only appropriate for literature of that caliber.

Two things I found annoying when reading this.

1. The cast is very unsympathetic to Sweetie Belle's plight, and the only one who takes the trouble to sit down and hear her out is Rarity. Not saying she wouldn't, but the fact that she's the only one who took Sweetie Belle's concerns seriously enough to address them sticks in my craw.

Especially Cheerilee. Surely this isn't the first time a foal has asked her a question like that.

2. Sweetie Belle and the others got their cutie marks in helping other people figure out what their cutie marks meant. Or how to find their cutie marks. This is completely lost on both her and the rest of the cast.

Beyond those issues, this was a cute story with some fine dialogue and banter. I think DT hews a little too closely to old!DT for my taste, but her dialogue's at least some of the better stuff in the story.

8/10.

>>Scramblers and Shadows

Tantalising is a word better suited to adverts for posh food

I do enjoy eating things that are tantalizing...

Can't believe I missed that in my review; I'm usually so good at picking up references to the word I chose as my username...

I just now noticed this story has a lot of comments.

I had the fortune to join the writeoff voice chat during the reading of this.

I may not be able to review for this story on a technical level, but I will say that I did enjoy reading it.

I felt that it had good flow, and I did enjoy the humor. Thanks for writing.

Cute and fluffy.

The most immediate issue I have is that the narrative voice is unsteady. This is REALLY evident in the first scene, where I just don't buy the Free Indirect Speech. To pull a decent example sentence...

His indecision was eased when Mommy turned around and sat down on a bench next to some other Not-Mommy mare and smiled at him. Mommy was close, and that made everything okay!

I don't think you can get away with the word indecision right next to Mommy. So yeah, you need to commit. Either narrate through the character's lens or narrate through the narrator's lens.

Otherwise, while it is a cute story, it is also an inevitable story. The basic shape is obvious after a scene or three, and there doesn't end up being any tension or drama. This is not to say conflict-less slice of life is inherently bad, but I feel these factors add together in such a way that the result is a little dull. They're gonna get together, and that's it.

All told, this is a story that really feels like it needs... more to shine. Some sort of conflict, or much more distinct characters (our two leads aren't really interesting, unfortunately), or something.

That said, it is cute and it is reasonably well realized. I think it just needs some shine, as it were.

This just plain didn't work for me.

For starters, the main character kinda starts out insufferable and doesn't really improve.

For seconds, doing an overlap fic like this can be off-putting. It didn't take too much effort to figure out what CelestAI was and I think I've at least heard of the source fic, but it kicked me straight out of the story as I tried to figure out what the hell she was and why the protag knew what she was.

Third, as other have pointed out, this isn't really a story so much as the prologue to a story. The actual words on the page are cute, but they're not quite cute enough to hold my interest. If you're gonna bank on wit and cleverness to pull the reader in and hold them, you have to be 100% on point, and this just isn't quite there. (Not to say that there isn't some funny and clever stuff. I just don't think there's enough.)

Four, I played (well, watched a Let's Play of) Soma. This story is more or less Soma's core conceit (brain scans being used to preserve people and the idea of multiple yous being around and what you is the real you and all that, but without any of the existential horror that really made Soma interesting.

To do the good, you've got strong voice all through. I can't honestly comment on the nature of 2nd Person because I keep ignoring my wife's request to read Strauss, so I'm pretty unfamiliar with how many authors actually structure it. You've got a pretty solid rhythm to your diction though, so reading was pleasant enough.

Ruby Pinch's perspective is hella confusing because I can't figure out who she is. Her age feels really ambiguous, and I kept being unsure whether she was a young or teen or tween or whatever filly. Having looked her up, I'm actually -more- confused now, because she seems to be a fanon filly, but given the details in the story, I feel like she should be older. Except she isn't?

Now, onto the crux of the issue. I'm just... not sure what I'm supposed to get out of this story.

You can't help but wonder if it would be so bad to end up in Big Mac's horseshoes, or Pinchy's, or her mom's, or anypony else's for that matter.

I mean, to be blunt, yeah, it kinda would. The core event in the story is... grim. Big Mac dies a pointless death (heroism is appreciable, but he failed), Ruby Pinch dies to bad luck, and Berry Punch kills herself. A statement is made earlier about the deaths not being defining, but the problems are the lives aren't that meaningful either. Those are unhappy and unsatisfying too. Honestly, the story kinda actively pushes me -out- of engaging with it once I realize what's going on.

Life sucks and then you die is not a message I enjoy.

I dunno, I feel like the core problem here is that this feels like a pointlessly grim series of events, rather than an actual story, capped off with "but isn't it neat"? But it undermines itself by cancelling the tragedy with the Luna bit making it all a dream, then it further undermines itself with the meta. And then the meta itself is undermined by not connecting back to the narrative!

This story would probably benefit from being cut down to 2000 words or less. As is, it just sort of ends up dragging because, ultimately... nothing happens. The story is mostly fluff. Emotive fluff, but fluff nevertheless. Celestia gives Twilight a book. That's the whole story. To be honest, I'm pretty sure you could cut everything before the line "Walk with me, Twilight Sparkle" and you'd still have a functional piece.

Moreover, I have trouble coming to grips with the emotional core of the story because I can't quite work out what the core issue Celestia is actually wrestling with is. I guess it is talking about what happened with her sister? But it kinda reads as if she is reluctant to tell Twilight NMM is her sister, which seems like common knowledge considering the fairy tail version of it is literally what the series opens on.

You are CoffeeMinion.

You were trying to come up with a funny way to review this super-meta story, but then >>AndrewRogue said everything you wanted to, and more succinctly than you probably could have on your own. So you post "me too" and allow your consciousness to continue drifting through the multiverse--

You are the very model of a modern major general.

You awaken into a meta-commentary that has become too dank, and you asphyxiate before you have the chance to wax poetic about subjects vegetable and mineral. Subsequently, your remains are eaten by a grue.

8/10.

Tier: Almost There (for brilliant writing in the middle section)

So... I like my comedy to have some meat. It's why I love Pratchett so much. You get some seriously absurd stuff positioned right next to excellent drama.

The problem is that requires being careful, because the two elements have to support (or, at the least, not undermine) each other. I expect what this is trying to do is riff on Starlight's rather blase reaction to mind control. The problem is that this is actually way grimmer, which, in turn, makes it far more absurdist, particular with exactly how blase things get. There is no hint of remorse/regret until the Celestia scene, which, in turn, robs it of all its weight. And, of course, that scene totally derails the weird, surreal journey we're on.

If you want the emotion, you need to add some weight earlier in the narrative. If you want the absurd gallows light humor, you need to go even further with it.

In the original version of my comment, I ragged quite a bit on the beginning/ending scenes written from the reader's perspective. I'd like to elaborate a bit on what makes these parts feel pretty grating.

You start reading yet another boring Writeoff entry. You were already half-asleep to begin with, and your mind begins to wander. The text is blurry and your eyelids close most of the way.

In retrospect, these parts are likely meant to be written from the viewpoint of a [fictional] Writeoff reader, not the actual real-world reader. But I didn't know that right away, and - what with the tone of eye-rolling exasperation - it felt like the author was making borderline insulting assumptions about me, my opinions, and/or the rest of the contest entries. Not the best of first impressions.

And then there's the last scene. The in-story reader whines about how much he disliked the story, but also thinks that, maybe, it wasn't that awful... Now, I think I understand the general concept of the ending (something about how fiction puts us in another's shoes? -- not the most original subject, but a potentially beautiful one); however the way you're putting it across is rather grating.

The way you've shown the reader-character's opinions -- both in the first sentence of the story ("yet another boring Writeoff entry") and through the complaints in the final scene -- he feels like he's meant to be a "strawman critic" character, a nitpicking, complaining reader who dislikes your entry for petty reasons. And this is pretty putting off, because it feels like you're pre-emptively mocking anyone who disliked the story.

Again: after a careful re-read, it's likely you didn't meant it to be this way. But it sure came across like this on the first reading. The meta concept isn't that bad, but I suggest revising these parts carefully if you want to publish this story later. For starters, you might make it clearer right away that the in-story reader is a character in his own right, and not the actual reader.