So:

Take Jan. 25th to write a minific here, then take the 26th and 27th to write for the concurrent Poetry event?

Yes. What could be simpler?

Mike

>>Baal Bunny A 400 word limrick. What could be easier?

>>georg

400 hundred words:

That's pretty much four sonnets, actually...

Mike

Wow:

For the first time in the five-and-a-half years I've been hanging around this place, my prompt got picked!

I suppose I'd better write something for it then.

Mike

What am I doing, contributing at the last possible moment to pony rounds? Am I crazy?

That title sure is ungainly and obtuse. Not unlike a modern art piece, actually.

Something I liked:

Okay, so a couple months ago I came to the realization that I kinda like Tempest Shadow stories. She's a character with a lot of potential. This entry fulfills some of that potential, mainly through its tone, which has to be my favorite part. It's slightly comedic, but it's not a comedy. It's a bit melancholic, but that melancholy doesn't permeate the story. It's kind of tranquil. Nothing big is at stake here. Yet despite not being able to paint for the life of me, I can still relate to Tempest's need to express what's been causing her pain, and the obvious Bob Ross reference only makes it sweeter.

Something I didn't like:

While I can appreciate using a deep-cut show character like Spearhead, I get the impression that he could be more fluidly integrated into the story. I also feel like there's a lot that can be done between him and Tempest that's only lightly touched on here, which is disappointing. You have two ponies who have fought in battles and who seek painting as a method of therapy, but the story more or less implies this connection, as opposed to having that be the focus. Basically what I'm saying is that when expanding this one, you should give Tempest and Spearhead more of a point in relation to each other.

Verdict: A nice little character piece. What it lacks in punch it makes up for in tone. I like it.

I imagine there are a lot of bartenders named Chaser.

Something I liked:

Not gonna lie, I have a soft spot for stories that put Cadance in a less-than-ideal position. This is no different. I feel like too often she's put in the position of the character who always knows what she's doing, and that's boring. It'd be like writing a story about Jesus and having him be Christ-like, I don't wanna hear about it. So imagine my grin as I was reading this, especially for the first half or so, when it's not entirely clear why Cadance is reaching for a drink. The dialogue between her and Chaser also feels pretty natural, although I say this as someone who has a fetish for ellipses. I just like naturalistic dialogue like that.

Something I didn't like:

I do feel, however, that the reason for Cadance being in this situation should be a little more creative. Her and Shining having their obligatory annual blowout is not something I would think of as deserving this behavior. Then again, I have to wonder what exactly caused them to have a blowout in the first place, considering Shining is a total bottom. Not to say healthy relationships can't involve fights, because obviously they do every now and again, but the way Chaser treats Cadance's plight makes it come off like she endorses fighting between partners on a regular basis. And I'm pretty sure that's not healthy.

Verdict: Some pretty strong dialogue elevates this entry into a good-but-not-great spot. I like it.

Look, I don't wanna judge anyone... but Nightingale is a thot.

Something I liked:

Hard to describe precisely how it does this, but I like how this entry builds tension without anything really being at stake. There's something about the interaction between Twilight and Nightingale that feels off, and the prose doesn't feel the need to make this underlying tension too obvious. It's a relationship that feels low-key unhealthy, more so because Twilight doesn't seem like she's in the right emotional state to care for somepony like she did before. I think how Twilight deals with her lover's clear imperfections says more about her own imperfections than her lover's.

Something I didn't like:

Unfortunately, my investment in this otherwise engrossing tale is stunted by several big questions I have. I understand the need to use an OC in this case, but I have to wonder why Twilight went for Nightingale in the first place. We know nothing about their history together, and we don't learn anything about Nightingale outside of this very narrow context. I also find it hard to believe that not only would it take over a thousand years for Twilight to "get over" the loss of her friends, but that she would roll in the hay with somepony who doesn't seem that special. Some suspension-of-disbelief problems here.

Verdict: A well-paced piece that could really use some expansion. It's fine, though.

I think this is a RariDash fic. I think it might be one, not entirely sure though.

Something I liked:

Tempting to make jokes about this one, but I have to kind of stand back and admire how weirdly wholesome it is. I didn't think that one could take this particular premise and make it pure in a way, but I think that's what happened here. It's just a really good vibe, watching Dash and Rarity work around each other and try their best to have a good time with what is clearly unfamiliar territory to at least one of them. Having Dash fantasize about being a bottom while also being uncomfortable with actually being in that position at first is both different and believable for her, and Rarity is also well-realized here.

Something I didn't like:

Sadly, the story does kind of run at odds with the word ceiling. Things are paced pretty smoothly up until the last quarter, when Rarity finds a solution to Dash's problem and the story hits the fast-forward button. Keep in mind, you could easily expand on this without making it a clopfic. I think it's very much possible to keep this kinky-yet-wholesome tone and leave it at that. I just think that it would be nice to read more about the stuff that happens between Rarity getting the feather and the last sentence, otherwise it feels too abrupt. The last sentence also feels a tad cliche, but that feels more like a nitpick honestly.

Verdict: Very cute and very dedicated to how happy its mission statement is. I really like it.

Solid entry, but doesn't really stand out to me. I liked the ponies of the deep, but their appearance felt brief, delayed (in terms of narrative introduction to the concept), and unthreatening. The directional inversion (lying on the sea-floor overhead) was a bit confusing and I never quite understood it on first read. The concept and prose otherwise worked well for me.

Ocellus felt alien to me--in a good way. Kinda terrifying. Nice take on the topic.

I felt unfulfilled by this story. RD's forfeit dialogue felt a bit rushed and forced. The ending didn't seem to flow well.

I hate your title. I want to insert an extra schwa sound at the end.

That got dark fast. The dialogue needs tweaking to be a bit more childlike. Curious about how the corpse got there.

Not my thing, but it was presented in a way that made me comfortable with the story. Going to skip the macro as I don't feel really comfortable commenting on it with authority.

I wasn't really oriented in the story until the 4th paragraph. Not a big deal, but I think shuffling the start a bit would be a slight improvement.

Rainbow raised a confused brow
Rainbow started to laugh uncontrollably.
said Rarity in a concerned tone.

This style of writing bugs me a bit. A brow isn't confused and the word shouldn't (and in this case doesn't) need to be there for me to understand her state of mind. "started/began to" is usually a red flag for me as it's generally unnecessary or abandoned without conclusion. The "concerned tone" is the one I'd keep of the three as she's speaking tonally here and I'm not sure how else that could be portrayed.

The story kinda worked for me, but the details of the story didn't. The time skip was unbelievably long, leaving me with the feeling that Twilight was lying about other lovers, which maybe fit with the encroaching darkness (as if she was considering murder to hide her secret trysts). Maybe this story was too subtle about what's really happening rather than too far-fetched about the surface narrative. But if the surface narrative was supposed to be interpreted as false, then it's probably too unbelievable in-universe so that ponies can too-easily find the cracks in the story.

Argh. I'm just going around in frustrating circles with how I should interpret this. One or more possible interpretations need to be more believable / better-supported.

This story hooked me by the end of the first paragraph and kept reeling me in the whole way through. I enjoyed the story, the message, the dialogue. There're a few things to clean up (tense shift in second sentence for example). I think you could improve the description of at least the first silences; I had to reread this part to understand it better.

It almost sounds like this is their first big fight, but that stretches belief. A brief lampshade referencing previous, lesser fights might improve the scene with better context. Might.

This story seems fine, but even after a second reading it just doesn't click for me. Not sure I could point to any one cause. I did like the bit about anger. It got my hopes up that Tempest would draw angry little trees and have angry accidents, like a death-metal Bob Ross or something. Alas, it was not to be.

Maybe I'm just tired and it'll look better tomorrow, but, right now, this one just misses my cut.

This is:

A great start, and I'd love to read a version that expands it into a true chronicle of how Toola Roola became a necromancer. What's here isn't that yet, but it's got a lot of very fun potential.

Mike

The premise here is really creative, and I thought the first paragraph worked well to get me interested ASAP. On a whole, the prose does a good job of carrying me along from beginning to end.

Now, I think I had a bit of trouble with the high-level structuring of this story. The way things are set up, we spend most of our time getting caught back up to events that have already happened via exposition dumps. I have to admit that these did tax my attention somewhat, since they start coming off a little like "As you know..." talking points. The fact that we didn't get to see these events play out also distances us somewhat from the stakes.

So what happened to me is that while I understand the ending was supposed to be a reveal about Dash's emotional growth, since I didn't feel very invested in the conflict itself, the ending came off as a bit anticlimactic to me. It felt like we got a lot of build-up and explanation for a pretty simple resolution.

Overall, I think this piece would benefit from a greater sense of immediacy, and I can't help but think that spending some of your word count describing what happens just before the portal accident would be a more economic use of your words than giving it to us in lengthy second-hand dialogue. There's a neat message that it's trying to convey about Dash's character growth, but right now the delivery isn't 100% there yet.

Thanks for writing!

I like:

The idea of Ocellus as school counselor, tasting the emotions of the kids to help discover what their real problems are.

But a lot of the story's details didn't make sense to me. The 2nd paragraph, for instance, seems to pop us out of Ocellus's point of view and into Chip's head for one line. And the line itself--"Just like his mother and father told him how to show respect or contempt, in this matter." I'm not quite sure what that means. Are Diamond Tiara and Pipsqueak teaching their son how to show contempt for other ponies? From the rest of the story, it sounds like Tiara hasn't fallen back into her former nastiness. She's just busy and pushing her son to attend the Friendship School. And for all that the conflict seems to be resolved at the end, I don't really know what the conflict is: Chip doesn't want to be at the school, and taking with Tiara about her past will... Make him want to be there? Make her realize that he doesn't need to be there? I couldn't untangle it.

Also, when Chip sees the bowl on her desk and asks, "Can I have one?" I found myself wondering "One what?" We're not told till the end of the story that the bowl has candy in it. And Scootaloo is referred to as "Miss," "Mrs." and "Professor." She can't be Mrs. and Miss at the same time. :)

Mike

I really like the sense of style and imagery here. The whole upside-down ice trekking thing was a really cool mental shapshot, and the little details like seeing air pool "below" Lorechaser's hooves were nice touches.

Now, this is a really impactful decision to take the approach of really high-level narration with no dialogue and mostly descriptive sentences. There are definitely pros and cons to this choice. While it definitely condenses your prose and lets you pack in a lot of informative detail in the minific framework, it does cost you some sense of immediacy. The writing itself is solid (I never got the sense that I was reading a list of things that happened, which is a common pitfall), but when we're dealing with the kind of text that casually skips a couple of hours between paragraphs, it's hard to switch gears and tune in to the action when it happens. Which makes the bit with the monsters feel like the weakest part of your story, when it should be your climax.

My other concern is more of a personal thing, but I tend to have trouble connecting to OCs unless I'm given very strong character traits to latch on to. Lorechaser's name is a pretty good signal for the kind of pony she is, but outside of that (and the very last sentence) we don't get much about her as a person. So was a little hard to transplant her satisfaction at the story's end and make it my own.

I kind of end up wishing this were a 2-3K word piece, because while there is already a lot here, there's definitely a lot more that can be fleshed out to make it really impactful. And what is already here maybe could use a little more breathing room to help us switch gears from high-level narration to the moment-to-moment work. Fitting big ideas into minifics is hard, and you're definitely owed kudos for what you were able to manage.

Thanks for entering!

Toola Roola can resurrect the dead, but can she resurrect my marriage?

Something I liked:

On paper, this is really funny and creative. I would've never thought in a million years to give a character like Toola Roola this kind of backstory, and I've thought up some real bullshit in my time. Like what Mike said, this feels like a proof of concept more than a story, like we're just getting the first test of seeing Toola in this light, but I would not be opposed to seeing an expansion. In fact, I'd say expanding this and bringing out its best qualities is the best way to go. Please, go nuts, burn a house down, give Toola Roola a zombie army, just don't forget what made it alluring in the first place.

Something I didn't like:

I'm gonna be honest with you, my fellow homo sapien: this is rough. Mind you, it's not just the typos, although they did distract me during my reading, it's more that there's some awkward syntax and pacing that keep this from feeling finished. The word "directionlessly" feels like the last act of a desperate man, and that final line is just too awkwardly worded to land. On top of that you have what feels like a horror story for the first half, only to suddenly become a comedy, complete with a punchline at the very end. Now, you can make a horror-comedy, and I would encourage that, but this ain't it.

Verdict: Kind of fails in its current state, but that doesn't mean the author shouldn't try to improve it.

Part of me thinks the author shoved in some AppleDash just to spite me.

Something I liked:

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...

Something I didn't like:

I was seriously left wondering what to make of this entry the first time I read it, and that remained the case upon a second reading as well. At first I couldn't figure out why, but reading Bachi's review gave me some clarity. The big problem here is that this is one of those stories where the actual conflict of the thing has pretty much been resolved by the time it starts. We're reading the third act of something, but without the first two to provide a more thorough sense of what's at stake here. I get that this is a Dash-centered story, but I don't feel connected to her, because I don't see her grow or make a big decision within the story given to me.

Verdict: It's technically sound, but I'm just not a fan of it. Sorry.

I have to admit, I had to google Toola Roola before I was sure that she wasn't an OC. But that aside, I think I really like what you're going for here, with the inversion of cuteness and the dark humor. It's certainly very ambitious in the scope of what it's trying to make the reader feel (confused, amused, slightly repulsed), so props to you for pushing the envelope.

Now, I do think that there might be a bit of a tonal disconnect in some parts of the story that prevent me from fully enjoying the concept. I do understand that this is a horror/comedy hybrid, but up until Toola says "Cool", there's virtually no indication that we shouldn't be taking the premise completely seriously. I personally think that there does need to me some signaling that we're supposed to be viewing things through at least a little bit of a silly lens. It is a tough balancing act to blend horror with absurdity, and I think you might have learned a bit too hard on the former.

The problem that arises when we're not completely queued in to the more ridiculous facets of the tone is that when you try to pay off on the comedy, it feels like it comes out of left field. I like the idea of the middle scene, with the contrast between a serious Redheart and a happy-go-lucky Toola, but I have to admit that on my fist reading (while I still hadn't noticed the comedy elements) this scene just confused me. In fact, it wasn't really until the final sentence that I finally realized what you were going for from the beginning, which is a bit of a problem in a minific where the payoff needs to be so condensed.

So in the end, I think I'd suggest trying to work in some humor signposts into the first half of the story. It could just be something as simple as giving us a couple more indications that Toola thinks the whole dead body deal is rad. IMO, setting the readers' expectations as quickly as possible is usually a good indicator of a minific that's on-track to paying off in a satisfying way.

Thank you for writing!

My major difficulty here:

Is that the piece stops before it comes to any sort of an ending. To me, that makes it a scene rather than a story, something that happens a lot in minific rounds. It's a nice scene, yes, and like the Toola Roola story, I'd really like to see it expanded into an actual story.

Mike

Echoing >>No_Raisin:

I love not just how wholesome this is, but how friendly it is. No one's calling anyone "mistress" or "slave" or even being stereotypically dominant or submissive. There wouldn't be any need for safe words here because neither of them are playing a part. And the curtain of discretion falls at exactly the right point. Very fun.

My only nitpick is the line "they caused less chafing than the cheaper kind Rarity had bought". As if Rarity would buy cheap bondage supplies! The very idea's simply preposterous!

Mike

I'd like a lot more:

Setting detail. Are they in a windowless room? Is that the best place to try and paint a landscape when you're just starting out? Is it just the two of them? I always thought that "workshop" meant a larger group of folks?

The content here is very nice, but right now, it's just two figures talking. Open it up and give us the space around them to make the whole thing come to life.

Mike

Bit of a straightforward one in spite of its title. Everything's presented rather candidly here, giving this entry a gentle feeling of ease and honesty as I read through it. In a sense, the matter-of-fact approach of the narration somewhat expresses Tempest's perspective rather well, which I believe adds to the story's character. I do think, however, that it trades away a little bit too much in the process to really let the serenity stick with me.

There's a multitude of issues I personally have with the story that I could list off, though most of them, I think, stem plainly from the uneven weighing scales of showing and telling. Right now, I think there's too much of telling to really allow myself to perceive what Tempest is perceiving. This is especially glaring when the stuff that really kicks the story off is the painting. What about it does she find dissatisfying to the point of calling it a failure? What do the trees actually look like in comparison to what she envisioned? With the story hinging on a visual medium, I really wanted to see her struggles conveyed to me through that display rather than taking someone's word for it.

I do think that's why the ending falters for me as well, in that we're left off with Tempest stating that she'll make a change and never seeing the result of that change, which leaves the entry hanging in lieu of a proper resolution. We don't get to see whether or not Tempest gets to have her cathartic moment, so it comes across as a bit anticlimactic.

Part of me's inclined to believe from the overall prose that the story would've been better off written from a first-person perspective, specifically Tempest's. I think it'll build upon the narration better, perhaps even help condense it a little more to make room for more things as well. We're pretty much seeing everything from Tempest's point of view anyway so it wouldn't be too dramatic of a shift to make to put the readers into Tempest's horseshoes.

Thanks for writing, and good luck!

A deceptively straightforward entry, this one. I like the ideas at play here, dear Author, even if they don't exactly mesh completely with the narrative as it moves along. I can somewhat buy the absurdity of Cadance flying halfway across Equestria to a bar after an argument, mostly cause the show itself has done a lot more absurd things in the past. That aside, the exchanges between her and Chase is fantastic. Definitely a highlight of this entry.

I also think there's a charm with this story being a mere conversation between two pillars of uncertainty. I don't really mind them not coming together to find an answer that satisfies them, though I can't say the same for everyone else. The ending's something that fluctuates depending on one's mileages, I'd wager. I do believe that there can be more done to bring about Chaser's character, not through the dialogue but maybe through the environment of the bar she's tending. It'll certainly give us a better idea of who this bartender is beyond just another ear for her problems.

I do admit that were it not for the story's title, I would've missed what you were going for completely. Perhaps there's a way to better juxtapose Cadance's consumption of beer with her intake of knowledge? Perhaps Chaser could play a more active participant in the story to really get to the heart of Cadance's problem? All I can say is that the story has a lot of potential complexities that I can only speculate given how little we know of their circumstances at this point, which is something that can be solved with a nonexistent word limit. To which I say shoot for the moon.

Thanks for writing, and good luck!

I'm a sucker for stories that are mischievous with their subtlety, so it's nice to stumble upon one that checks all those boxes in brief passing. The dialogue definitely is the main highlight of the story, with the imagery of flames and shadows coming in a close second. There's this general feeling of vexation permeating throughout that leaves us with more questions than answers, which leaves me excited to know more.

I do agree with >>No_Raisin that I wished we had a glimpse of the significance of Nightingale in Twilight's life. Perhaps give a little insight into an encounter between the two that might further bring emphasis on how small Nightingale feels in comparison to Princess Twilight. Granted, it'll be hard to pull off in a minific without it sounding like a manufactured exposition dump. Would like to see it in the expanded version though, especially considering this version is this compelling already.

Thanks for writing, and good luck!

For my part:

I found the set-up very confusing. I had to read the opening paragraphs three or four times before I could unscramble what was going on. And once I did get it, I found myself wondering why? Why couldn't they just walk across the top of the frozen lake? What conditions prevailed here that made the whole rigamarole described here the only way to reach the wreck?

I'll suggest starting the story a scene or two earlier while the explorers are in camp trying to argue Lorechaser out of doing things this way while she's convinced no other approach will work. That'll give us a chance to get to know her, too, so we'll care more about her when the dangerous stuff starts happening.

Mike

Adding my voice:

To >>Bachiavellian and >>No_Raisin calling for this to begin earlier. Give us the set-up in real time--AppleDash and all, if need be--and the scene here will have a lot more impact.

Mike

Who the hell names their kid Credit Chip?

Something I liked:

It takes a lot of leg work to make me relate to an OC in this short amount of time, which is why I gotta give this entry props. Sure, it's called "Ocellus' Office," but it's not really about her. We get a bit of changeling lore, but only enough to provide context for the real star of the show, Credit Chip. I like future timeline stories that use characters we're already familiar with to explore new people and places, and this does a pretty good job at that. Especially on a second reading, I found the ending to be just the right amount of sweet. Not a sugar high, despite the candy, but it makes for a refreshingly optimistic reading.

Something I didn't like:

Hard to expound on what didn't sit right with me, since Mike already thoroughly dissected the cracks in the armor. More specifically, author, I think you ought to give Chip a clearer backstory. Keep in mind that when detailing Chip's backstory you're also detailing Diamond Tiara's backstory. Never mind the fact that the show basically ditched her after her redemption episode, I want a better picture of what she is like in adulthood, and how her parenting affects her son. Did she revert back to her old ways? The story kind of implies this, but it doesn't give even the slightest explanation as to why. I want more.

Verdict: Very solid young six/future timeline story, but deserves expansion. I like it.

Another that doesn't:

Quite add together in my mind. First off, if "when the reporter took a picture of you you panicked and wiped the film. And their mind a little," then how did the information get into this Taffy Tavern Tabloid for Nightingale to find it 1,500 years later? Also, what motivates Nightingale to bring it up? The line "to have one last nugget of revenge" near the end makes Nightingale sound spiteful, like she's the sort of pony who purposefully plans to ambush her lover while they're in bed together. So, yeah, I need to know more about her and what's she's up to for this to start working for me.

Mike

I'll be perfectly honest here, I'm a little indifferent towards this story. Not that it's bad or anything, it's just how I usually feel when it comes to reading these kinds of stories. I guess I just want this entry to be more than just some light-hearted foreplay, as nice as it is. I'm thinking maybe a more dynamic narrative progression and oblique prose would help this story leave a longer-lasting impression than it currently does now.

Personal preferences aside, I echo the sentiments of my fellow reviewers above about how pleasant everything is presented here. In a sense, it feels grounded to the show's playbook, subject matter notwithstanding. I do think their names are a bit overused throughout the prose though, which hinders the tone and pacing of the whole story for me. Nevertheless, I like what it represents. With a bit more focus, hopefully it'll be able to captivate me as much as the other stories did.

Thanks for writing, and good luck!

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARK!

Something I liked:

Okay, so when I say anything positive or negative about this entry, I'm doing it with the mindset that this entry will eventually be expanded. So when I say that I like what the author is going for, and that it's very ambitious, I say so on the assumption that we'll get more of this. Now, there are several things to appreciate here, not the least of them being the usage of the word "spellless," which tells me the author has some brass gonads. Another is that this story focuses on an OC who touches on lore, but then her name is Lorechaser, so... And I like how unorthodox this expedition is, impractical as it may be.

Something I didn't like:

Writing a minific without dialogue is a very risky move, and usually it doesn't pay off. The biggest reason is that lack of dialogue prevents the reader from getting to know the main character to a certain degree, and that's the case here. I don't know anything about Lorechaser aside from her occupation and that apparently she's not the most conventional of explorers. We don't get to know anything about her crew or the sea ponies(?) who get maybe a paragraph each. It's honestly hard to follow what's happening on a first reading because so much action is crammed in and we get to digest very little of it.

Verdict: Expand pls k thnx bye.

Oh hey! There's a writeoff?
Frantically assembles art at the last minute.

>>Rocket Lawn Chair
I just finished my own manic assembly. Good luck on yours! :P

Not sure how to feel about this one. It's drawn in such a way as to be ghostly, even ominous, but... is Twilight sticking her tongue out? I assume that's Twilight, I think I see a horn and a pair of wings. Not sure about the wings part. Those eyes are also giving me the creeps, but that might be more intentional.

You know I'm a sucker for black canvas, though.

Have to wonder why Tempest is wearing her armor at a painting workshop, but aside from that... this is pretty nice. I like how we're shown this at such an angle that we get a clear profile shot of Tempest but are denied what her painting looks like. Yeah, if you thought the fic that inspired this was too spare in how it described what Tempest was working on, I've got some bad news for you...

She angry.

Man, this is so good. I imagine It must've been hell just to get Tempest's face right, and that's not including the lightning surrounding her, or the watercolor(?) background. I originally saw this pic on my phone, which did not do it justice. I imagine if Tempest did a self-portrait (and could paint worth a damn), it would look like this.

Give my fellow homo sapien the gold please.

This story's certainly a diamond in the rough. My initial impressions of it definitely improved after my first few reads, though I'd say it's not all the better for it. I must say though, there's a lot of intriguing ideas at play here in spite of the haphazard structure of the whole tale. Seeing a filly being this morbidly curious about a dead corpse is in of itself strangely fascinating to watch happen. The absurdity of the whole situation is striking enough to leave an impression so kudos.

Execution-wise, there's a lot of room for improvement. I could go on and on about all the minute details that bothered me, but I think all of these problems really come from the story's lack of a focal point. I agree with >>Bachiavellian that the crux of the whole scene seems to be the conversation between Toola Roola and Nurse Redheart. It's certainly the most vividly purposeful scene in the vignette, and most of the stuff that happens before and after could definitely fit snugly into the conversation between nurse and filly, perhaps with some less important bits extracted and removed.

I would add that I don't think it's really so important to see the whole sequence of how Toola Roola found the body in the first place. After all, the notion of a child finding a body on its own paints a striking enough picture; a child wanting to see more of it is awe-inspiring. Sometimes, the 'how's and 'why's don't matter, and it's the careful picking and choosing — the balance between what we see vs. what we don't — that separates a good story from a great one, especially so when there's a wordcount involved. With the ideas alone, there's something to glean at here. All it needs is a little more polish.

Thanks for writing, and good luck!

As little as I know about the Young 6, I do really like the idea of Ocellus being some kind of student counselor when she's all grown up. It's such a cozy idea, between her academic tendencies and being a changeling, and I have to admit I got a lot of mileage out of that alone.

In terms of areas that might need improvement, I do need to note that the central conflict here feels vague to me. It took me several readings before I felt like I had a handle on what was making Chip act out, despite it being fairly simple. I think what threw me off was actually really minor:

“Sorry! I didn’t mean to pry!” Ocellus cowered back in her chair, shifting her persona to make herself seem less threatening. “Have you talked to your mother about this?”

When I first read this sentence, I assumed Ocellus was redirecting the conversation to a new subject, instead of continuing on the old one. So I ended up not immediately making the connection between his parents forcing him to attend the school and the following bits of conflict description. It's a really small thing, but for some reason it was enough to throw off two or three of my readings before I realized it, so it might be worth considering as a data point.

I think I also want to mention that the resolution of the conflict itself felt a little out-of-the-blue to me. Our only indication that Chip has come to a change of heart is the single sentence "Chip's expression softened" before we are told that the conflict is resolved. It's a tad abrupt, and considering all of the attention the story paid to Ocellus during that same time, there's an implication that the conflict was resolved by something Ocellus did rather than something Chip did. Which, of course, undermines the payoff of portraying Chip has having grown more mature.

So basically, I think there's a little bit of dusting to do to clean up the conflict and its resolution and make them really clear to the reader. Right now, it takes just a little too much effort for me to internalize what was happening, which took me out of the story that little bit.

Thanks for writing!

I really, really like how quickly this piece establishes its OC perspective character. We get her name (Nightingale), her role (to smooch Twilight) and her personality (bold and flirty) in the first five short sentences. As a whole, I thought this was a very effective opening, and it immediately made me want to read the rest.

After reading the whole thing, though, I think I ended up with some questions about Nightingale's motivations. I've ended up questioning whether or not she genuinely cares for Twilight, which is something I'm not totally sure was intended. In short, this is because I don't know why she's springing an obviously loaded conversation on Twilight. She deliberately asks emotionally provocative questions, and we're not really told why. It could be that she's dealing with insecurities herself, or it could be that she's sadistically enjoying the reaction she's getting from Twilight. Both of these very different interpretations are equally supported by what we see.

So basically, we see one (or maybe even both) characters get very close to being very upset, and we're not entirely sure why. It's a little strange to me that despite Nightingale being the perspective character, I ended up feeling a bit alienated from her. So I think that in any kind of revision/rewrite, it might be a good idea to pay extra attention to how Nightingale (who is, by design, largely an unknown) comes across to the reader. Giving her a more well-defined and/or sympathetic goal to having this conversation would go a long way towards making her interactions with Twilight feel meaningfully developed.

Thank you for submitting!

This one is just really cozy, and it helps that the prose is smooth enough to let the whole thing go down easily (pun completely intended). Dash and Rarity's voicing feel good, and I thought you made good use of your wordcount.

I think one of my only complaints would be that the scope of the payoff did feel a little small to me, even for a minific. I was kind of expecting the story to go into why Dash was a nervous mess in the beginning, but Rarity ends up resolving the problem without worrying too much about the details. Now, I know that not every story needs to go into the realm of daddy issues and grand epiphanies, but I did end up coming out of this one wishing that the ending was a little more substantial.

So overall, this was comfy and very well self-contained, even though it doesn't quite satisfy the appetite it whets in me.

Thanks for entering!

Okay, so you've won extra credit points from me for writing about Tempest. And the idea to pair her up with Spearpoint is such a good one that I'm jealous that I didn't come up with it myself. Overall, I really like how the characters bounce off of each other here. There's a lot of pleasant momentum to their back-and-forth, which ended up being my favorite part of the story.

Now, I'd be lying if I said I didn't have any nitpicks about the story, still. This entry is another story where the conflict's solution/payoff feels a little simple/obvious. I'm almost positive that every reader is familiar with the idea of painting from one's emotions, which definitely isn't a bad thing in and of itself. But whenever you do have a character learn a pretty simple lesson like this, it becomes easy for the reader to start to lose attention once they've figured it out. Tempest's reaction to the revelation feels straightforward, and in the end I'm not quite sure what I've learned about her as a character.

So while I definitely enjoyed the flow and the tone of this piece, I think I ended up feeling a little constrained by the scale of conflict. I would like to learn more about these characters and how they play off with each other, which is a testament to how well-wrtiten their chemistry/dialogue is. But right now, I'm not quite getting all of the satisfaction that I wanted.

Thanks for submitting!

>>LoftyWithers
>>Bachiavellian
>>No_Raisin

Thanks for the comments, folks:

And congrats to our medalists, especially No_Raisin!

As for this, it was a free-writing exercise, trying to come up with something I could enter in the 6th AppleDash Contest over on Fimfiction. The theme for the contest is "Go Big or Go Home," and the story I'll putting together will be called "Going Home." This here, I figure, will be pretty much the beginning of chapter 3, but when Dash pushes the forfeit button, nothing happens. Meanwhile, AJ and Flam will have been swept off into a different game realm, and the story will be the two groups trying to solve their respective puzzles in order to get back to Ponyville.

Something like that, anyway. :)

Mike

THIS GIRL ANGERY

On the whole this piece is really solid. Scribbling over the horn like you did was a genius move. It's so meta and it captures Tempest's anger in such a clever way.

>>LoftyWithers
>>Baal Bunny
>>WritingSpirit
>>Bachiavellian

I don't know nothin' about painting.

Believe it or not, the title was originally slightly less verbose. "The Fine Line Between Remembering and Being." But because I felt like the entry as a whole wasn't connected enough to the prompt, I decided to change something. I basically used this as a springboard for my other entry, since I wanted to write a story like that involving Rainbow Dash, but didn't have the motivation to do so yet. So I wrote something that would motivate me, and that is basically the function of this entry. It's got a very simple message, but that's by design, and I don't think there's anything wrong about telling the reader to be true to themselves. That is, after all, what I felt I needed to tell myself at the time.

Having Tempest interact with Spearhead was something I'd been wanting to do for a long time, actually. Maybe not specifically Spearhead (it could be Shining Armor, but in a different context), but I wanted to write a story about Tempest doing something therapeutic with a fellow veteran. Now, there are two ways I can revise this entry. I can expand what I have and have Tempest be part of an art therapy workshop for ex-military ponies, or I could go more overtly comedic and have the whole thing be basically a parody of The Joy of Painting. But with Tempest. Both sound great.

I'm pretty torn, guys. Nice to get the gold, though.

Kudos go to my fellow medalists.

>>LoftyWithers
>>Baal Bunny
>>WritingSpirit
>>Bachiavellian

Hey man, writing something this unabashedly hedonistic while also sticking to the fluffy tone of the show's slice-of-life episodes is no easy task. On that note, it's weirdly nice to be on the receiving end of the "Well, you have two entries in the top three, but you can't get two medals, so the next person in line gets the bronze" quirk.

Yeah, I don't know how to dive deep into this. It's basically a 750-word sugar high, with the "conflict" being as inane as possible and the pursuit of having a good time being the end goal. I guess I should say that I originally was going to write an AppleDash fic with a similarly hedonistic premise (with the same title no less!), but I guess my conscience stopped me from committing such a sinful act. RariDash it was, then, and instead of competitive wrestling it would be light bondage. Emphasis being put on "light" here, because I kind of went out of my way to make this situation as comfy as possible. Not to say I couldn't go harder, I've entered more brazenly sexual stories to the WriteOff, but I wanted to reach a tonal balance that would pull something wholesome out of a decidedly not-wholesome set-up. I guess it worked, because I didn't even get a Most Controversial badge for this thing.

Anyway, I wanted to write something that was unequivocally happy, and I needed some extra motivation for that. I'm not a naturally happy person. And then of course on the day we had all submitted our entries, the world of basketball was forever changed for the worse. I don't know what I would've done if I had to write something like this even a day later than I did. Probably nothing. I probably would've just not done anything. But I'm glad I was able to submit something, and more specifically this entry. It reminds me of happier days, and um... I'm waiting for those days to come back around at some point.

Congrats to my fellow medalists.

Rest in peace, Kobe, for real and forever.

>>No_Raisin

Whenever Bob Ross comes up:

I always feel obliged to point out is that he learned everything he knew about painting--including the phrase "happy little trees"--from Bill Alexander. This article here sums the whole thing up and has some clips of Alexander's show, too.

Mike

>>Baal Bunny

So I had already known about this, although most people wouldn't. Bob Ross is highly influential, both in amateur painting and pop culture at large, but I don't think I've seen anyone argue that he was the most innovative of instructors. He basically took Alexander's formula and perfected it, at least if we're going by popular consensus. For me personally, I think Ross's true innovation came with his persona, which was charismatic and even photogenic but also distinctively laid-back. On average an audience member would have an easier time digesting what Ross is saying while also finding comfort and inspiration in what he's saying. How you say something is just as important as what you say, and I think Ross knew this.

And hey, if the philosophy behind both Alexander and Ross's works was to inspire more people to find their inner painters, then I can't fault them for it. Funnily enough, this very entry would inspire two of the three art pieces this round.

What is that goofy book horse up to now? Despite the dark color composition, this still manages to feel light and fun. I think the proportions of the face are very good, but the drawing lacks depth. This is mainly due to the light source (the candle) being a flat piece of background scenery, and not adding any striking contrast to the foreground elements. I'd suggest adding a bit of ambient glow around the candle's flame, and some bolder highlights on the covers to match.

The biggest strength of this drawing comes from the character it evokes from the story: Twilight is a relatable goofball, even when she's ancient.

Okay, artist, how did you know that I love Tempest depicted as a Cutie Mark Crusader?

As a straightforward scene that reflects the source story, I think this hits the mark. Tempest is visibly frustrated as she attempts to paint something we can't see. Nice work!

A few suggestions for improvement: Take a look at dem leg proportions. The back legs look like they're slightly too long. I'd also add a slight curve between each piece of Tempest's back armor, similar to how you've excellently drawn the neckplate meeting the shoulderplate.

I think Tempest's sketchy outline might be due to a deadline constraint, but I'm not entirely sure. You should smooth out those outlines, or else make it clear why you're thematically leaving the outlines so sketchy.

>>No_Raisin

Very true:

For me, though, half the charm of Bill Alexander was this guy exhorting us to "fire in that happy little ochre color" with the fervid accent of a Prussian drill sergeant. :)

Mike Again

I will always be a fan of the whole white-on-black thing. It's just such an immediately evocative move. :P

I the kind of minimalist-ish way you blended your colors, like with the tip of Twilight's horn and the candle. It helps maintain the dark/lightless feeling of the scene while still giving us a lot of visual information.

Unfortunately, I think I got a twinge of uncanny valley due to something about the way Twilight's right eye is angled or positioned or something. I don't know enough about pony facial proportions to put a pin in it, but the feeling is there.

Thanks for arting!

Okay, so it took me like 5 seconds before I even registered the rubbed out horn, but when I did I laughed out loud. I love how it gives the piece a sense of a meta feel, as though Tempest is directly angry with the artist.

Speaking of which, Tempest's expression is really well telegraphed, and I also really like the shading work you did around her eyes and snout. There's a real sense of three-dimensionality here. Overall, really cool stuff!

Thanks for entering!

I also just realized:

That the first contest ever where my prompt got selected, I came in dead last... :)

Mike

The main backstory to this piece is how I like to recover from this disaster last year. I decided to give another take on Ocellus. That’s just about it― don’t want to go on a tangent.

>>LoftyWithers
Thank you for your kind remarks. This started the Writeoff on the right foot (or hoof― whichever you prefer)

>>Baal Bunny
I could see where that sentence lost it. In my head, it made sense, but it would require another reader to spot it. [I really should get an editor for these type of things]. My thought process was: Diamond Tiara unintentionally treats her son like her mother treated her (she is subconsciously doing this, not on purpose), only in a very separate way. Instead of forcing him to become a jerk (like Spoiled did to Diamond) she is forcing him to do the opposite (which isn’t going well for the kid). Either way, the concept of forcing someone to do or become something isn’t a healthy relationship. This is where Ocellus comes in to help. The kid isn’t saying anything because he is used to being silenced (mostly from him complaining or back-talking to his parents).

However, I see how this doesn’t work because Pipsqueak may reason with Diamond that she is being too harsh. Plothole! Other than that, most of the other problems are very easy fixes.

Thank you for your review!

>>No_Raisin
Baal really spotted the Chinks in the Armor. I already covered the major chink of the type of mother Diamond Tiara is to Chip in Baal’s review. It’s a good thing that this is the only major problem, and thereby, sorta-easy fix.

It’s good to hear that this is a solid piece and it accomplishes what it is set out to do.

Thank you for your review!

>>Bachiavellian
Thank you for the elaboration. Not only I know where the problem is, but the origin of the confusion. You probably already spotted it, but since this is a 750, it hit the ceiling fairly quickly. I felt it was alright, but the resolve comes off as way too fast. There is only a few things you can do in 750. But, with expansion and elaboration, the problem will be taken care of.

Thank you for reviewing!

Final Thoughts

Ocellus really shines in this piece; it is the OC having trouble. Originally, the idea behind it was that Chip is suffering from neglect in a different way. Diamond Tiara probably had learned that the kid needs friends, but her decision to force him to make friends is not exactly the best (this is subliminal from how she was raised. As much as she doesn’t want to be her mother, she inadvertently does so).

This time, Moral of the Story: I need to have a editor to look over the piece for the fine-tuning.