Hey! It looks like you're new here. You might want to check out the introduction.
Show rules for this event
From the Top
"You don't know?" Dash stared at Flim—or Flam: she'd never been sure which was which. This was the one without the mustache, anyway. "How can you not know?"
He shrugged, the glow of his horn the only light anywhere in the thick gray fog that drifted around them. "Well, when Flam and I, uhh, acquired the Portal Popper XTE, it didn't come with a manual. After weeks of careful study, however, we were absolutely certain we'd ascertained the proper procedure for operating the game." His words flowed out every bit as flowery as they always did, but his eyes kept shifting back and forth at every splash and slithery sound off in the mist.
Which told Dash everything she needed to know. "You mean you stole the thing, thought you knew how to work it, aimed it wrong, and now I'm stuck wherever your weird machine sent us racing you instead of Applejack."
"Stuck?" Flim touched a hoof to his chest. "Not at all, Captain Dash!" He moved the hoof to point at the green vest they'd given her to put on after she'd wheedled AJ into plunking down the bits for them to take a run through what the Flimflam Brothers called 'a unique competitive opportunity.' Because it was the Ponyville Fun and Frolic Festival, right? And Dash knew that AJ wouldn't want to pass up the chance to play against the greatest speedster Equestria had ever known, the new captain of the Wonderbolts, and her own sweet and cuddly marefriend.
Blinking, Dash realized she'd missed what Flim had just finished saying. "Run that by me again?"
Flim waved at her right shoulder. "We have two distinct options, Captain. We can follow the tracer in your vest through this no doubt charming landscape to whatever spot the Portal Popper has designated as this game's finish line." The grin that jerked across the big jerk's face didn't fool Dash in the slightest: he had no idea where they were or what was happening. "Once either of us reaches it, we'll both be instantly transported to the fairgrounds whence we began."
"You hope." She couldn't stop her own grin from spreading at the beads of sweat glistening along his forehead. But she couldn't deny the little blue arrow pointing to the right that flashed above her shoulder either. "And what's the other way to get back?"
"Simply touch the forfeit button." He waved at her left shoulder, a tiny scowl tightening his quivering lower lip. "We went through all this before Flam activated the device, you know."
"Yeah, yeah." She glanced down at the big red button on her vest. "Of course, if I do that second one, it'll technically mean I lost, won't it? That'd make a nice sign to put over your booth: 'Play the game that beat the great Rainbow Dash!'"
His eyes went wide. "I...I assure you, Captain Dash! That thought never even began to cross our minds!"
Dash cocked her head. "'Our minds'?"
He froze. "I mean—"
Something off to Dash's left gave a low grunting moan. Flim jumped sideways, his straw hat flying off.
"Yep, yep, yep." Dash smacked her lips. "It'd serve you right, me leaving you here to play with whatever's creeping around in the fog till I find the finish line."
The quiver spread from his lip to his whole snout.
"But y'see, Flim?" She stepped closer to him in case she had to swoop them both away in a hurry. "I've pretty much proved any point I ever needed to prove, don't you think? Leading the 'Bolts, saving the world a dozen times, being part of the council that rules the whole country, getting to wake up every day beside the second-awesomest mare Equestria's ever known..." She waved to the mist. "I do this sort of stuff now for fun, not because I need to show anycreature anything anymore. And without AJ, I've got no reason to be here. Speaking of—"
She slapped her vest's forfeit button, and the mist whirled away like an instant cyclone to reveal AJ, her green vest shredded, her frown thunderous and her forehoof raised over Flam flat on his back in the remains of the carnival booth, his fear a stink that overpowered even the deep-fried smell of the midway and his voice shouting, "Not in the face! Not in the face!"
Dash gave Flim her sweetest smile. "You might want to start shouting the word 'refund' about now."
He shrugged, the glow of his horn the only light anywhere in the thick gray fog that drifted around them. "Well, when Flam and I, uhh, acquired the Portal Popper XTE, it didn't come with a manual. After weeks of careful study, however, we were absolutely certain we'd ascertained the proper procedure for operating the game." His words flowed out every bit as flowery as they always did, but his eyes kept shifting back and forth at every splash and slithery sound off in the mist.
Which told Dash everything she needed to know. "You mean you stole the thing, thought you knew how to work it, aimed it wrong, and now I'm stuck wherever your weird machine sent us racing you instead of Applejack."
"Stuck?" Flim touched a hoof to his chest. "Not at all, Captain Dash!" He moved the hoof to point at the green vest they'd given her to put on after she'd wheedled AJ into plunking down the bits for them to take a run through what the Flimflam Brothers called 'a unique competitive opportunity.' Because it was the Ponyville Fun and Frolic Festival, right? And Dash knew that AJ wouldn't want to pass up the chance to play against the greatest speedster Equestria had ever known, the new captain of the Wonderbolts, and her own sweet and cuddly marefriend.
Blinking, Dash realized she'd missed what Flim had just finished saying. "Run that by me again?"
Flim waved at her right shoulder. "We have two distinct options, Captain. We can follow the tracer in your vest through this no doubt charming landscape to whatever spot the Portal Popper has designated as this game's finish line." The grin that jerked across the big jerk's face didn't fool Dash in the slightest: he had no idea where they were or what was happening. "Once either of us reaches it, we'll both be instantly transported to the fairgrounds whence we began."
"You hope." She couldn't stop her own grin from spreading at the beads of sweat glistening along his forehead. But she couldn't deny the little blue arrow pointing to the right that flashed above her shoulder either. "And what's the other way to get back?"
"Simply touch the forfeit button." He waved at her left shoulder, a tiny scowl tightening his quivering lower lip. "We went through all this before Flam activated the device, you know."
"Yeah, yeah." She glanced down at the big red button on her vest. "Of course, if I do that second one, it'll technically mean I lost, won't it? That'd make a nice sign to put over your booth: 'Play the game that beat the great Rainbow Dash!'"
His eyes went wide. "I...I assure you, Captain Dash! That thought never even began to cross our minds!"
Dash cocked her head. "'Our minds'?"
He froze. "I mean—"
Something off to Dash's left gave a low grunting moan. Flim jumped sideways, his straw hat flying off.
"Yep, yep, yep." Dash smacked her lips. "It'd serve you right, me leaving you here to play with whatever's creeping around in the fog till I find the finish line."
The quiver spread from his lip to his whole snout.
"But y'see, Flim?" She stepped closer to him in case she had to swoop them both away in a hurry. "I've pretty much proved any point I ever needed to prove, don't you think? Leading the 'Bolts, saving the world a dozen times, being part of the council that rules the whole country, getting to wake up every day beside the second-awesomest mare Equestria's ever known..." She waved to the mist. "I do this sort of stuff now for fun, not because I need to show anycreature anything anymore. And without AJ, I've got no reason to be here. Speaking of—"
She slapped her vest's forfeit button, and the mist whirled away like an instant cyclone to reveal AJ, her green vest shredded, her frown thunderous and her forehoof raised over Flam flat on his back in the remains of the carnival booth, his fear a stink that overpowered even the deep-fried smell of the midway and his voice shouting, "Not in the face! Not in the face!"
Dash gave Flim her sweetest smile. "You might want to start shouting the word 'refund' about now."
I felt unfulfilled by this story. RD's forfeit dialogue felt a bit rushed and forced. The ending didn't seem to flow well.
The premise here is really creative, and I thought the first paragraph worked well to get me interested ASAP. On a whole, the prose does a good job of carrying me along from beginning to end.
Now, I think I had a bit of trouble with the high-level structuring of this story. The way things are set up, we spend most of our time getting caught back up to events that have already happened via exposition dumps. I have to admit that these did tax my attention somewhat, since they start coming off a little like "As you know..." talking points. The fact that we didn't get to see these events play out also distances us somewhat from the stakes.
So what happened to me is that while I understand the ending was supposed to be a reveal about Dash's emotional growth, since I didn't feel very invested in the conflict itself, the ending came off as a bit anticlimactic to me. It felt like we got a lot of build-up and explanation for a pretty simple resolution.
Overall, I think this piece would benefit from a greater sense of immediacy, and I can't help but think that spending some of your word count describing what happens just before the portal accident would be a more economic use of your words than giving it to us in lengthy second-hand dialogue. There's a neat message that it's trying to convey about Dash's character growth, but right now the delivery isn't 100% there yet.
Thanks for writing!
Now, I think I had a bit of trouble with the high-level structuring of this story. The way things are set up, we spend most of our time getting caught back up to events that have already happened via exposition dumps. I have to admit that these did tax my attention somewhat, since they start coming off a little like "As you know..." talking points. The fact that we didn't get to see these events play out also distances us somewhat from the stakes.
So what happened to me is that while I understand the ending was supposed to be a reveal about Dash's emotional growth, since I didn't feel very invested in the conflict itself, the ending came off as a bit anticlimactic to me. It felt like we got a lot of build-up and explanation for a pretty simple resolution.
Overall, I think this piece would benefit from a greater sense of immediacy, and I can't help but think that spending some of your word count describing what happens just before the portal accident would be a more economic use of your words than giving it to us in lengthy second-hand dialogue. There's a neat message that it's trying to convey about Dash's character growth, but right now the delivery isn't 100% there yet.
Thanks for writing!
Part of me thinks the author shoved in some AppleDash just to spite me.
Something I liked:
Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...
Something I didn't like:
I was seriously left wondering what to make of this entry the first time I read it, and that remained the case upon a second reading as well. At first I couldn't figure out why, but reading Bachi's review gave me some clarity. The big problem here is that this is one of those stories where the actual conflict of the thing has pretty much been resolved by the time it starts. We're reading the third act of something, but without the first two to provide a more thorough sense of what's at stake here. I get that this is a Dash-centered story, but I don't feel connected to her, because I don't see her grow or make a big decision within the story given to me.
Verdict: It's technically sound, but I'm just not a fan of it. Sorry.
Something I liked:
Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...
Something I didn't like:
I was seriously left wondering what to make of this entry the first time I read it, and that remained the case upon a second reading as well. At first I couldn't figure out why, but reading Bachi's review gave me some clarity. The big problem here is that this is one of those stories where the actual conflict of the thing has pretty much been resolved by the time it starts. We're reading the third act of something, but without the first two to provide a more thorough sense of what's at stake here. I get that this is a Dash-centered story, but I don't feel connected to her, because I don't see her grow or make a big decision within the story given to me.
Verdict: It's technically sound, but I'm just not a fan of it. Sorry.
Adding my voice:
To >>Bachiavellian and >>No_Raisin calling for this to begin earlier. Give us the set-up in real time--AppleDash and all, if need be--and the scene here will have a lot more impact.
Mike
To >>Bachiavellian and >>No_Raisin calling for this to begin earlier. Give us the set-up in real time--AppleDash and all, if need be--and the scene here will have a lot more impact.
Mike
>>LoftyWithers
>>Bachiavellian
>>No_Raisin
Thanks for the comments, folks:
And congrats to our medalists, especially No_Raisin!
As for this, it was a free-writing exercise, trying to come up with something I could enter in the 6th AppleDash Contest over on Fimfiction. The theme for the contest is "Go Big or Go Home," and the story I'll putting together will be called "Going Home." This here, I figure, will be pretty much the beginning of chapter 3, but when Dash pushes the forfeit button, nothing happens. Meanwhile, AJ and Flam will have been swept off into a different game realm, and the story will be the two groups trying to solve their respective puzzles in order to get back to Ponyville.
Something like that, anyway. :)
Mike
>>Bachiavellian
>>No_Raisin
Thanks for the comments, folks:
And congrats to our medalists, especially No_Raisin!
As for this, it was a free-writing exercise, trying to come up with something I could enter in the 6th AppleDash Contest over on Fimfiction. The theme for the contest is "Go Big or Go Home," and the story I'll putting together will be called "Going Home." This here, I figure, will be pretty much the beginning of chapter 3, but when Dash pushes the forfeit button, nothing happens. Meanwhile, AJ and Flam will have been swept off into a different game realm, and the story will be the two groups trying to solve their respective puzzles in order to get back to Ponyville.
Something like that, anyway. :)
Mike